Below is the letter I wrote to my baby.

It was on the evening of February 13th 2012 that a dollar store home-pregnancy test showed positive results. The next morning, Valentine’s Day, I took a more expensive brand-name test just to be sure. That too showed that I was pregnant. This should have been a great and joyous discovery, as we were trying to conceive you. We had ignorantly assumed that we could pretty much conceive whenever we were ready. Around the time your big brother, Roger, was 5 months old we began trying. We wanted so much for Roger and his brother or sister to be very close in age. Even after my brutal cesarean and slow recovery I was ready to suffer another long and possibly very painful pregnancy that would most likely end in yet another cesarean. The moment I felt fully healed, about 4 months postpartum from Roger, I began an exercise routine to strengthen my whole body in preparation for my next pregnancy and in hopes of a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) delivery. We are unsure of when it really happened. We kept a detailed calendar of my cycles and of our attempts to conceive. I am remarkably predictable and almost always get my period on the 23rd of each month. January 23rd came and went with no sign of bleeding. Even before that day I had a premonition that I was pregnant, but because I was so hopeful, I believed that my desire might have clouded my judgment. Finally 4 days late, on the 27th my period arrived. This was the latest it had ever been without a pregnancy. Even one month after Roger was born and while breast-feeding I still got my period on the 23rd. I had thought that maybe an egg had been fertilized but was flushed out by other things happening in my mysterious female parts. And something of that nature had caused my cycle to shift and be late. Other than the time of it’s arrival, my period was very normal, brief and basically cramp-free. February 7th, I began spotting. I am not one to have this problem and it bothered me and finally began to panic me after 6 days of it getting more and more frequent and slightly heavier day by day. I read up on what the cause might be and to my horror the symptoms I displayed matched those of an ectopic pregnancy. Fearing the worst I took the test and instead of joy at seeing those long awaited two lines, I was struck with fear: the fear of death, the fear of losing a baby, and just the fear of the unknown. I was missing a key symptom: pain. I felt no pain of any kind. Not so much as a cramp. This was of little comfort, because the more I lost the fear of my own death, the more I began to worry about the loss of you. Somehow I knew in the depths of my being that you would never get a chance to see this world. Valentine’s Day, already overshadowed by a hectic schedule of your father’s school and work, was now over loaded with my panic and need to get to the doctor and simultaneously procure medical coverage. Turns out my doctor had zero interest in physically looking at me and just set me up for what seems to be never ending series of blood tests that still continue on to this day even as I write this. My HGC levels were low, my Progesterone level was even more low. They offered a prescription to possibly raise the levels of the progesterone, but not only was the results of that medication not guaranteed, Medicaid refused to cover it. I refused this option, not because I would not do anything to save you, but because I knew in my heart it was already too late. It was sad and frightening that after a few tests proving that my levels were moving up far too slowly, I was told in so many words that I would miscarry and being do so at home. Somehow this seemed barbaric and frightening beyond words. In a sense I would be giving “birth”, unassisted and possible very much alone. I feared the pain. I feared the grief that would overtake me. I feared never getting to see you or hold you. No matter how tiny and unformed you were, I wanted so much to see you and give you a proper resting place. They said it was hard to tell my cycle and hormone levels just how far along I was, but with the combined information I have, I would have to guess you were about five weeks along, six at the most. Saturday, February 18th, 2012, is the day I believe you ever so briefly entered this world. I had researched online as to what you may look like in your current stage of development and every time I used the bathroom and bled, I looked down to see if you were there. Something the size of a golf ball emerged painlessly from me that day and it was the largest thing I passed during this time. So I think that was you, snuggled in a tiny placenta and exiting this world as quickly as you arrived. It still makes me cry that I could not give you a proper birth and burial. I can’t bare the thought of my beloved child entering this world by being dropped into the arctic filthy waters of a toilet and being flushed into the sewer system. Please forgive me that I did not know for sure until later that what was in that bloody sack was you. Had I been sure I would have gotten you out, cleaned you off and lovingly prepared your tiny seed like body for a proper burial. I know that being so tiny and so young, that God had his hand in everything and my faith would have me believe that you never felt the cold of the water or the pain of being separated from the body that kept you alive. For all I know your soul departed long before your body ever had a chance to experience it’s first heartbeat. I believe strongly in God and maybe even more so following this loss. This experience has not caused me to question God or to lose faith in Him. It has in fact strengthened it as God has shown me many mercies in this that others have not been spared. I am thankful that this miscarriage was not physically painful. I am thankful that it happened so early on in the pregnancy. This would have been far more tragic had it happened after an ultrasound or had it been a stillbirth. I am also thankful for how it made your father and me closer. I would have never guessed that of all my friends and family, your father would be the one who remained hopeful and optimistic. At times he would tell me how this pregnancy may yet be healthy and I may carry you to full term. Your father is a man of facts and reality. Hope and faith are foreign to him. So just that he even expressed such things made me love him all the more and brought us closer. I believe that when the Lord takes a baby, especially one not yet born, He has a truly great purpose for that child. So to be so blessed as to be chosen as a vessel to carry something so special to the Lord is a great burden, but more a great honor. We wanted another boy, one to be best friends with Roger and to be honest a second boy would save us a pile of money by just passing everything from one child to the next. But through this I realized how accepting I would be if I had a girl this time. I just wanted a healthy baby. I don’t know what your gender was. I somehow imagine you as boy, but I can’t be sure, so it was tough coming up with a name that fit either gender. Lots of people had input about this, but your Grandmother on my side was actually most helpful by suggesting initials, such as C.J. I instantly liked the initials but felt every child no matter how small deserves a full name. So after much thought I came up with “Christian”, because it is a testament to my faith and it is somewhat unisex. Your middle name took longer. I want all my children to have strong classic first names, followed by more creative middle names that are the names of places I have been or want to go. So we I came up with “Jersey”, because me and your Aunt Kate always joke around about going to the Jersey shore, just like on the TV show. So finally, at the end of February, I picked a name for you. You probably already go by a different name in Heaven or perhaps the Lord already knew what name I would choose, so the name is more of a surprise to me than to you. Many of my online friends had also suffered miscarriages or losses of children. This comforted me a bit in thinking that perhaps you are up there right now playing with those children and happily waiting for your parents to join you someday. There are no others on either side of your family of our Faith. So I can’t imagine who you’re with up there other than the children of my friends. I know the Lord will care for you either way and you will never be alone. You are blessed that you never knew pain and the cruelty of this world, and we are blessed to have had you with us even for this very brief time. Mommy loves you so much. I do not say “rest in peace” instead I say “be joyous with the Lord my baby”…Christian Jersey 2/18/2012 – 2/18/2012

I was 18 years old, my dad had cancer, my mom is an alcoholic. I was still in high school, I dated a guy over ten years my senior (we worked together and even had the same birthday).  On January 16, 1998 I conceived.  In February of that same year we got into a car accident (urine tests were negative but I was slightly cramping was told this was due to stress so I had xrays taken). I still thought I wasn’t pregnant.  I started having morning sickness in March.  On March 18th I had such bad cramps I signed myself out of school at lunch.  I ended up crawling home (I lived thankfully one block from the school).  When I got home I sat on the toilet and passed a blood clot that scared me.  I tried to tell my mom but she was drunk and told me to quit faking and go to school.  I made it back by last hour after passing out once on the block walk to school.  Everyone worked in the neighborhood so no one saw me.  In chorus upon talking to my friends we figured out it was a miscarriage. 14 years later and March 18th still hits like a brick. I didnt know I was pregnant until I miscarried but now as a mom of 2 live births I have to say I don’t love the first one any less. I know in my heart she is a girl and her name is Meghan Elizabeth and she’s in heaven with my dad.

I found out I was pregnant right after my husband left me. We had been together for 2 1/2 years. This was a planned pregnancy. I was devastated that I would be raising this baby alone. But I was joyful about the baby. Right from the get go I was having morning sickness. It was so bad that the doctor had to prescribe Zofran. A couple weeks into the pregnancy I was having bleeding. I went to the emergency room and they told me that I was having a miscarriage. So I went home. When I called the doctors office they believed me that it was a miscarriage and canceled my next appointment. About ten days after that I was still having breast tenderness and I was still throwing up. I was having a lot of cramping, but I did with my first son as well due to constipation. So I didn’t really think much about it. So I rang the doctor’s and told them that I still felt pregnant. That something wasn’t right. So they sent me in to having blood work done. When it came back it had tripled the levels it had been in the hospital. I WAS ECSTATIC. My baby was okay. I had picked out names, bedding, crib, car seat. In my head it was a she. Seventy-Two hours later they had me go in for a tider. A second blood test to make sure the levels were rising properly. I got a call later that day, saying they weren’t. So I rushed to the doctors office. Once there, he wheeled in his ultra-sound cart and proceeded to look at my baby. He told me my uterus was empty. Even as I write this I have to stop. close my eyes and breathe. I didn’t understand what that meant. I was pregnant. My uterus was empty. Where was my beautiful baby? The answer? They didn’t know. So I went in for more blood work. Sure enough I was still pregnant. So that night I got a call from the doctor letting me know he needed me in surgery the next morning. I called my ex-mother in law and filled her in on all the information. I was crushed. She then informed her son of the situation, and he had offered to take me to the surgery and to take care of me. But he hadn’t been there for the 6 weeks of pregnancy. I wanted to do this the way it was supposed to be. Me and my baby. I ended up having him take care of me. But I got myself to and from surgery. That night I was having horrid cramping. Once again I chalked it up to constipation pain. So I took a xanex and went to bed. The next morning was the procedure. I Can’t get into it much this morning. I’m not feeling strong enough. It was the worst moment of my life. I think about that baby every day. I loved her so much.

(this story will be continued when Brittany is ready to add to it….)

I was trying to comfort someone through a loss recently. She is a friend of a friend, so she didn’t fully understand my losses. My friend had no experience in the matter and sent her to me thinking I could help. After sharing with her and doing the best I could to relieve some of her anguish I decided to put my experience into words. It was by far the hardest loss I had ever experienced and I didn’t know if I would even be able to. I was very surprised to find how therapeutic it was. My hope is that other women who might be going through the same thing may feel a little less alone in such a lonely time. In 2005 after 6yrs of marriage and trying to concieve unsuccessfully I was blessed to find a doctor who actually listened to me. I was diagnosed with Insulin Resistant PCOS. I started a strict low carb diet and Metformin, I was able to lose 20 lbs without really even trying and for the 1st time in a long time I was able to walk more than a few feet without feeling like my knees were going to buckle under my own weight. Once I was able to exercise the weight came off like crazy. I lost 100lbs but we still weren’t pregnant, so on to Clomid, an ovulation stimulant. I started it in October 2005, 3 cycles at 50mg but nothing. We went to 100mg and on Valentines day 2006, I was shocked when I got my first positive pregnancy test, ever. I was so excited, the first thing I did was call my Doctor’s office. That’s when I was told for the first time they could no longer treat me as they didn’t take OB patients with my insurance.I was so upset because I know how hard it is to find a Doctor that gives a damn, but what else could I do? I found a large Ob/Gyn that took my insurance, and they were highly recommended. They did all the normal expensive blood work, had me come in to talk about how I would pay them, but wouldn’t allow me see a doctor. Not until I was 14 weeks anyway, even with all the problems I had just getting pregnant. Hindsight is 20/20, had I known then what I know now, I would have demanded I see a Dr. immediately. At about 9.5 weeks I got very sad, no explanation, but I felt something was wrong. My mom asked me to come up and see them, thinking it might cheer me up. They live about an hour from here. On my way up I had this ominous feeling come over me. I couldn’t explain it, but I just had this feeling and it wouldn’t go away. When I got to my Mom’s she had a surprise she was putting a stroller together for me. I put my feelings aside and helped her finish putting it together. We finished about 20 minutes after I got there. When I stood up I thought I had peed myself, as I felt warm fluid run down my legs.I went to the bathroom and that’s when everythiing changed. I was bleeding bright red. I screamed for my mom as I sat there on the toilet and felt something drop out of me. When I stood up and looked I saw my baby. In that moment I knew utter devestation. My mom scooped my little one into a container and my parents got me into their car and we sped to the hospital. I was bleeding pretty heavily and blacking out every few minutes. When we got to the ER the doctor on call, not an OB, looked in the container and solemly confirmed what we thought. That we had miscarried. They called the on-call OB. (Who turned out to be our amazing home waterbirth Dr. David Hayes, but that’s another post) When he arrived an ultrasound was ordered to make sure everything was gone so we wouldn’t have to do a D&C. Shockingly during the U/S there was a baby alive and moving around with a healthy heartbeat. I didn’t even know I had been pregnant with twins. Unfortunately, they also found alot of blood in the uterus. Baby 2 made it another 24hrs and I was able to see my little one one more time on an U/S an hour before my body betrayed me and expelled our little one. My doctor told me he recommended a D&C, so that physically I wouldn’t have to deal with the M/C as long. That’s what I did. Besides the physical pain, I was an emotional wreck for weeks. I would wake up in the middle of the night and for a split second it wouldn’t seem real but then reality would overwhelm me and I would feel so empty. My poor husband woke up many times to me sobbing in the middle of the night. I would do so well, consiously forgetting the loss so I could make it through the day. Then my breasts would ache or my uterus would contract and then a flood of hormones, sadness and tears would follow. I was in school for massage therapy at the time and I couldn’t make it through the day without an emotional breakdown. It didn’t help that there were two other students that were pregnant at the time. I was eventually asked to take a leave as I was a distraction to the other students. We compromised and I moved into a night class, I only had 2 months left and I somehow made it. We started trying again as soon as the next cycle arrived. Another round of 100mg Clomid and amazingly another positive home pregnancy test. This time I wasn’t ecstatic I was petrified would God really give me something so special only to take it away again. I tested positive 2 days before graduation. Which worked out well since I was so worried about losing this little one. I am not exaggerating here, I literally sat on my couch for 5 months afraid to move or sneeze. January 24th, 2007 we had an all natural waterbirth and our little blessing Ava was born with the help of Dr. Hayes. When Ava was 6 months we decided to try again just in case it took us another 6 years. We actually got pregnant rather quickly this time. September 24th, 2007 I got my 3rd Positive pregnancy test, but sadly started spotting a week later, all pregnancy symptoms dissappeared and after a beta another M/C was confirmed. This time was much easier both physically and emotionally. I don’t know if it is because I didn’t have the fear of never knowing motherhood in the back of my mind or that the pregnancy never really took which meant less changes to have to deal with. Either way it was easier to deal with, but in retrospect still a loss, and I still shed tears for what may have been. We started trying again right away and January 4th, 2008 we got our second “sticky BFP”. That’s what every woman who has ever visited a website for infertility/pregnancy loss is hoping for. A Big Fat Postive that turns into a baby that “sticks”. Well this sticky baby turned into Josie, our second home water birth assisted by Dr. Hayes. Life in itself is such a curious thing though, I remember those little ones lost and I mourn them, sometimes at the most random of moments. However I remind myself, had those spirits not moved on and made room in my womb. I would not have my two blessings here with me, for which I can’t imagine life without…

I hope this helps anyone who is or has gone through this, I truly know the pain you are feeling right now it is unexplainable and overwhelming, but I can say it get’s easier. You will never forget your little one, it doesn’t matter if you give birth to a live baby or lose them in utero, you are still a mom and have all the emotions that go along with it. Including the unbelievable pain of losing your child too soon.

I am a single Graduate student who found out about my pregnancy at the emergency room. I went to the hospital emergency room because I was in severe pain. Then I soon learned that I had an ectopic prenancy. At the time of the announcement I thought I was okay with the idea that I could not fulfill my pregnancy due to the medical condition I was in. Two months after my recovery and returning to work and school the grief of my loss hit me hard. This website is a blessing to me as it is a gateway to my healing. As I searched through this site I felt inspired to write a poem to my baby I lost.

YOU

At the announcing of your existence shock filled the room

Next I was notified that you can’t stay and surgery will be soon

My eyes met with loved ones who offered their support and sympathy

While our family arrived to the scene and I announced that you are leaving me

After the surgery and recovery I sat alone thinking about where you went

I longed for the chance to meet you but in reality this was never meant

I let go of you but keep you in my heart

Now I realize that we will never be apart

I trust Gods will for my life

So the next time this happens, I’ll be someone’s wife

I am a mother to 10 precious children – we are raising 5 and Jesus is raising 5.   I have had 3 early miscarriages, a loss at 16 weeks – our son, Isaiah, and then on July 8, 2008 our daughter Harper was born sleeping at 40 weeks.  The day Harper died I experienced a pain that is indescribable but I also had the most amazing feeling of peace wash over me.  ” The Lord is close to the broke hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18  I was beyond devastated that my daughter was gone but I also knew that God had plans for me and I needed to fully lean on Him.  If our family had not had Jesus in our lives, I don’t know how we would have survived those first few months.  Our family started a ministry called Harpers Hands.   We make quilt squares and on the back is a place for parents to put their child’s footprints or handprints on.   I helped to start a support group with a friend to help mom’s who have lost a child and we are in the process of working with hospitals and funeral homes to help educate on how to best help grieving families and items to help remember their children.   Our family welcomed our rainbow baby in 2009.    Going through a pregnancy after the death of a child was quite a journey.  I used to think that if I made it past 12 weeks, or 16 weeks that I was safe but Harpers death changed all that.  My innocence and sense of magic during pregnancy was gone.   I had found out an ugly truth – not all pregnancies have a happy ending and sometimes babies die.   Through it all though – miscarriages & a stillbirth – I have been blessed with 5 beautiful children , a supportive husband, and a deeper faith in God.

My story of loss begins with the pregnancy and first months of my oldest daughter’s life.  My husband and I got married when she was about 18 months old.  I thought this new pregnancy was a way of God showing me that he had blessed our relationship.  We had lived across the street from each other and having sons about the same age gave us something in common.  I had wandered from my path as a Christian although I was still attending church when we got together.  It was a turbulent relationship from the beginning. Not long into the relationship I became pregnant, and discovered I had cancer.  I sought God; he sought addiction to deal with the cancer.  I left the relationship.   After our daughter was born, he started going to church with us.  I wanted a Godly father for her while he just wanted time with us.  When she was a year old, we discovered she had a minor heart defect.  It pulled us closer and we decided it was time to make a commitment to our family.  I prayed about it and felt that God was saying yes but to wait until we were more solid in our walk.  I wanted another baby, maybe two, as I was in my mid thirties, time seemed important.   We started planning the wedding.  The sooner the better, what was the point in waiting.  We were a family and thought it was best for the children that we be settled into a marriage.  We had been celibate since the discovery of cancer and became pregnant within weeks of being married. I was thrilled; he was not.  I felt God had blessed our marriage and my wishes for a family.  He felt we should have waited and gotten financially stable.   At about 10 weeks into the pregnancy, I started to bleed.  We went into the emergency room and they did an ultrasound. They said the pregnancy looked to be about 5 weeks and there was no fetal heart movement. I could not believe it.  Maybe I had been wrong about my dates. Maybe I had ovulated and conceived at two different times and had only miscarried one of the babies. It is rare but happens. I just could not believe that God was not going to allow this baby to come earthside.  I cried out to God “this is your blessing on my family”.  They wanted to do a D&C. I would not let them.  I went home on bedrest.  The next day was Father’s Day. My husband took the boys to play their hockey games. My mom took my daughter to watch. I was sad to be missing their games but I didn’t want to risk anything.  I got up to the bathroom and saw blood when I pulled back the blankets.  Lots of blood.  It poured out of me as I tried to stand up. I was hemorrhaging.  The mother in me left and the nurse took over.  I called my husband to come and get me.  I lay back down and elevated my feet on pillows. I could now feel the blood pouring out.  I told myself to stay calm for my husband.  I thought back to how much I water I had drank and when was the last time I ate. They would want to know that at the hospital.  I even looked to see how much blood I was losing so I could tell them.  I took my pulse and would have taken my blood pressure if my cuff were close.   I was doing everything to distance myself from the fact that I would never hold this baby in my arms.   I was dumb for a long time after this. I felt betrayed by my Lord. Had I been wrong to get married? Did I really hear the voice of God?  Was I selfish to want another child? Was I being punished for the sins of my past?  With time and prayer I have came to realize that God doesn’t work that way.    I feel that certain souls are just too fragile for this world. That they must be conceived and returned to God’s Hand.  I feel blessed now that God allowed me to be a part of this little one’s beginning.  I feel honored to be a wounded healer  and help others on this journey.

We had our first child in 2008.  We conceived quickly and the pregnancy progressed normally; he was born healthy and so we decided when he was just two
months old to try for our second.   Itwas January 2009 and we took a relaxed approach.

Wefound out in May of 2010 that we were pregnant, but blood tests showed lowBHcG, and I miscarried just prior to the 7th week.  We were told that its normal, that at least
one miscarriage per woman is expected, so in July we began trying again in the hopes that they were right.

I used BTT and so in late September of 2010 I took a pregnancy test.

We were pregnant!

We couldn’t believe how quickly it happened but were overjoyed!

But, just hours after our wedding, I started heavily bleeding.

On October 16th, a scan revealed I was 7 weeks along and carrying twins but the
heavy bleeding continued and on the 20th I started having severe cramps.

A scan confirmed my losses. Devastated, we tried to carry on; we were moving into
a new house and so held off from trying, but in January I felt crampy, and then on February 6^th, no period!

A test on the 14th confirmed that we were pregnant, but I was worried, and on the 23^rd I started to bleed.  The hospital didn’t think that it was a miscarriage as blood loss was minimal, but I had a scan for the week later anyway.  I knew I’d miscarried as I had a
negative test shortly before my scan and it was confirmed on March 1, 2011.

We underwent tests, including clotting, chromosomal analysis, hormones and other
gynecological tests, all of which were normal, so there’s no reason for the loss of all of my babies. It’s now August and we are trying again, but we are very scared.

“The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away: may the name of the Lord be praised.  In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.” Job 1:21,22

I must share that our sweet baby’s heart has stopped beating, and she will not see the light of day.

I am thankful for being granted the faith to have peace that the Lord does His sovereign will, and always has my best interests at heart!  I do not need to like my circumstances in order to praise my Lord and Saviour.

“But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, “Why have you made me like this?” Romans 9:20 and Job 36:23 “Who has prescribed his ways for him, or said to him, “You have done wrong? Remember to extol his work.”

We know full well the truth of Psalm 139:15-16

“My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for me,

When as yet there were none of them.”

He makes no mistakes, and is never taken by surprise!

I am thankful for the daily tasks that demand my attention, and for the privilege of carrying a new life, even if it was only for a short while.

I used to feel that the Lord had been unfair to David and Bathsheba, taking their child. After all, why punish the baby when the adults were the naughty ones!

Then I came to see that the Lord was sparing that baby!

There would be no tears, no illness, no pain, nor sorrow.

Straight to the arms of Christ that baby went.

That baby was not punished at all!  Only David and Bathsheba!

I do not believe that I am being punished, and don’t worry, this pregnancy was not from an adulterous affair !

I do believe that our baby has been spared the evils that lurk on this earth.

Praise God for another soul!  I am proud to be the mother of 16, where 5 have gone straight into the gates of heaven without ever needing to shed a tear, and where the light that shines for them is the glory of God, rather than the sun.

They are blessed!

I am blessed!

And I can say in truth that whether the Lord gives or takes away , praise be His name!

May He bless me with children again and fill my womb!

If not, may I continue to walk in thankfulness just the same!

Philippians 4:12

“I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in
all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and
to suffer need.”

I know that some women have felt that they could not possibly risk future
pregnancies after a loss,  as the emotional trial is too hard.

However, I feel that the creative power of God is at work and whether I am honoured to only be a part of the creative process of an eternal soul for a short while, or whether I am allowed the privilege of stewardship of a child for a time on earth, I am richly blessed!

I will gladly continue to trust the Lord with my womb, and we as a family will hope for more babies to hold in our arms, if it be God’s will.  The clock has not stopped ticking yet!  I am only 41!  I am certainly not without hope!

I leave you with  2 Corinthians 4:8, 17-18:

“We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not
in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far
more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

Our baby is eternal and is in eternity now!

Michelle Kauenhofen works at Above Rubies, and is
married to Cam, parents to Bryson(18), Jacinda (17),  Dalton (16), Brielle (13),
Logan (11), Havenne (10), Gideon (8), Jilissa (6), Tressa Leigh (4), Drayden
(3), Solana (5 mon).  Sadly, lost 4 babies along the way.

Addison Jean
Born sleeping on 10-24-08
Here is her story:

I was 8 weeks when I wiped and saw blood. Please, God…not again! Sure enough after an ultrasound and bloodwork, our baby had died. After discussing our options with my OB, we decided to just let my body work, since it seemed to have already figured it out. It only took 2 days to give birth. Here is my story.

I was bleeding heavily by the 24th. I made it to the bathroom and had a “hat” to pee in, given from the hospital. I peed, and I felt something come out and plop in the water (pee, rather). I had a strainer (also from the hospital) so I poured it in and what remained was a large clot. We thought it was the baby and I was a bit scared, but my husband got me a disposable gladware container to examine it in. I was convinced it wasn’t the baby, but we saved it in the container (from the hospital) just in case. Then I was feeling a bit more crampy, so I went to sit down. In a matter of about 10-15 minutes I had to pee again! I got up, took 3 steps and something else came out. I waddled to the bathroom and pulled down my pants to see the amniotic sac and a large blood clot together on my pad. I knew it was the sac because it was grayish and whole, like a little bigger than a grape. I put it into the container to examine it and noticed a section where I could see into it and saw my baby floating around inside! I was in awe! After some debate, we decided to cut open the bag of waters and hold her skin to skin, as this was our only chance. I gently cut the sac and the waters spilled out. Her little flipper arm was hanging out of the hole, so I turned it and gently squeezed and she slid out onto my hand. I was amazed. She was perfect and looked just like the pictures in the books! She had arms and legs, a slight tail left. We could see her heart through her chest and see her vertebrae through her back. Her skull bones were forming. It was incredible. She measured 2.2 cm. I thought maybe people would think I was weird for wanting to hold her, but after speaking with the nurse who deals with losses here, she said “Who cares what people think! Its YOUR baby! Hold her if you want to!” And I realized she was right. In the end, I was so glad and feel such a sense of peace about it. I brought in the baby and had a burial for her in April where her brother is buried. Another service for my child. Very depressing. We did chromosomal testing and found out it was a girl.

But in the end, the experience was beautiful and I got to hold and see my miraculous child, which I consider myself very lucky for. Everyone deals and heals differently but I say its easier for us for 3 reasons. 1) Our Faith. Without God, where would we be? 2) Eachother. What a huge support system we have been to one another. I couldn’t do this without him. 3) Our terms. Everything was done on our terms and we experienced our losses the way we hoped to. Anything that felt right to do at the time, we did. And that brings a sense of peace about it.

If you want to read about my other miscarried and stillborn children, please see Ariel in Blighted Ovum, Adam in 17 weeks, and Aemon‘s story is here too.

If you’d like to view a photo of my Addison, you can click here.

A week after we saw the ultrasound with an empty gestational sac I still had no physical signs of a miscarriage. It was a tough decision to make but after talking with my Dr and much prayer I decided to move forward with a D&C. From the time I scheduled the D&C I still had 5 days to wait before the actual procedure but I prayed each day that the Lord would allow me to have the D&C since he had given me such a peace about that decision.

What a day! It started early with a 6:45 check in. The kids ended up spending the night with my parents last night so my mom wouldn’t have to come in so early. It ended up being really nice not having the kids to worry about waking up while we were trying to get out the door.

I was doing fine until I saw Dr Daily. Then I had a complete break down and could hardly stop the tears once they started flowing. Even thinking about it now brings back those tears. Dr. Daily and I a connection that is hard to explain. We have had many tough
conversations and I have always appreciated her tenderness and her reliance on faith. She has not been ashamed to speak of her faith and encourage me in that in the worst of situations. She seems to be able to read me like a book and respond to my needs without me even speaking at times. She ordered some meds to calm my nerves as I waited to go to the operating room.

I have only one memory of the operating room. Just the sweet faces of Dr Daily and the nurses telling me everything except the temperature in the OR revolved around me. They
would take good care of me and have me in recovery soon.

I don’t know how long the operation and recovery lasted but I was home by noon and resting comfortably. I have taken pain meds twice but it was more to stay on top of the
pain than actual pain. Tomorrow I will be more conservative with the pain meds.

When I came home I had some relatively heavy bleeding but since that 1st pad change it has been more like spotting. Praise the Lord!

The kids are at my parents again tonight and I will be staying out there until probably Friday. I’m not sure about when Ed comes home. I think its Thursday but usually that means 11pm. I am restricted to picking up 10 pounds or less for the next 3 days so Thursday would be the earliest I can pick up Rylee. Its possible I will be up for it and be able to be home Thursday night but I’m playing that by ear.

At this point I’m planning on the kids going to preschool tomorrow and I plan to spend at least a couple of hours working.

God has given me some cool verses today I thought I would share with you guys.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Philippians 1:12, 19-20
12Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel.Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.[a] 20I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.

I love verse 19 because it speaks of each of my suppport people, friends and loved ones. Through their prayers and the help of the Holy Spirit what has happened will turn out for my deliverance! This is not meant for my bondage but for my deliverance.

The other verse I have been pondering a lot the past couple of weeks is Isaiah 57:1
1 Good people pass away;the godly often die before their time.  But no one seems to care or wonder why.  No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to 0come.

In many ways this speaks to me specifically dealing with miscarriage because it is so
often not really acknowledged or spoken of. But it is hope to me that God has protected my baby from the evil to come. I believe this child is in heaven without having to experience all the hurt of this world. Praise God!

My story of the little baby I never got to hold. My husband and I have been married since Feb 17th 2005 and we decided to have children quickly because I already had one from my previous marriage. I became pregnant at the end of May beginning of June. I followed proper procedures and called to schedule my first appointment at my said 10 week date. Everything seemed fine I went in and seen the nurse practisoner we went through the whole check up and then she went to measure me and find the heart beat. She smiled at me and re-asked all the general questions for finding my due date and how far along I was. She measured again and said it appears that I am not measuring as far along as I should be, I was only about 6 weeks. They scheduled a sonogram later that day. They did all the measuring of the baby and said that I was 6 weeks along and that they were going to have me come back in 2 weeks to do a another sonogram to make sure I was progressing. I went home scared and upset not really knowing what was going on. I had to continue with work and taking care of my 1st born it was so hard because I was still having all the normal 1st trimester issues, nausea, tiredness, and dizziness.

The two weeks went by so slow but the day finally came we went in and waited our turn for the sonogram when we went in our hearts were pounding and they started measuring and looking. She stopped put everything down and turned to us and said the Dr. would be in soon. We both knew at that moment that there was something wrong and we both broke down crying.

The Dr. came in and said that the pregnancy did not progress pass 6 weeks and there was no heart beat. We of course were so upset that we had lost our baby. He then turned to us and said “don’t think of it as a baby but just a house for the baby, at 6 weeks the baby had not really began to form but just the house for the baby to live in.” I was even more crushed; he referred to my baby as nothing more than a shell or house. I was so upset I could not speak. They scheduled another appointment with my OB about a week later to have a check up and see where and how things were. I was so confused, scared, and upset it was all I could think about it consumed my every thought but they refused to put me on any kind of disability to keep me home from work so I was also scared I was going to “pass” my baby at work alone and in pain.

The week went by and nothing changed I was so confused we went in and they re-measured and listened for the heart beat one more time and nothing. So at this point I should be about 14 weeks so I had carried the baby for 8 weeks without progressing.

When my Dr. came in she told me she was concerned about infection setting in if my body was not going to pass the baby. She said that a D&C may be something to think about. I did not know what to do. I do not believe in abortion but I was being told my baby was dead and all I could think about was that I was going to be alone when everything was going to happen or I would end up really sick with a infection, so feeling like I had no other choice I scheduled the D&C for a week later.

The day had come and still nothing so I went in everything seemed to go as scheduled. I was upset and relieved all at the same time. I know I did not kill my baby but I felt like I did something wrong but I was also relieved that I would be able to move forward. I went home with several prescriptions, thought I did not know much about them since I was so loopy from surgery. Everything was going the way they said it would. I went to bed and woke up in the middle of the night in horrible pain I thought I need to go to the bathroom and because of the surgery it was making it worse. I tried everything but nothing and I was still in so much pain and it was getting worse. I was doubled over on the floor most of the night not knowing what to do. Eventually the pain was so bad I had my husband take me back to the hospital. They gave me an IV and put in a cal filter so they could give me pain killers to make me more comfortable. They then scheduled a sonogram but it was going to take a little while to get me in. When they finally did they found several large blood clots in my uterus. My OB was in the same hospital and was keeping up with me in the ER she said that it could have been from one of the medications she had given me because I was bleeding a little more that she would have liked after surgery. They gave me some major pain killers and said that as long as I was passing them over a reasonable amount of time I would be OK. They put me on disability for the week and sent me home but said that if I had not started passing them over the next couple days to come back in.

So I went home and waited. I was now even more upset thinking I was being punished for the D&C and was now blaming myself for my baby’s death thinking that maybe he/she was still alive at the time of my D&C even though I had been monitored for weeks with no progression. As the days went by I passed the clots and things became more normal I continued to pray and ask God for forgiveness and guidance.

My husband and my relationship grew and we became closer and I felt like we should not stop trying to have children so we continued to pray and God quickly allowed us to become pregnant again. Things were getting better but I was very scared of losing another baby. We did not tell people right away and did not get very excited about it till more than half way through the pregnancy. I did end up having problems with preeclampsia but did not lose her and we now have a wonderful little girl. We are very open with our children about the baby and do talk about the baby from time to time. I think I would have done things very different if I had had better resources.

Today is the anniversary of a dear friend of mine who lost her son at 13 weeks. This friend is an inspiration in how she lives and handled those difficult times in her life. Not only did she lose her son, but also had an early miscarriage and had a 39 week old stillbirth daughter. Wow. Talk about grief. She now has 2 beautiful girls, who I hope will marry into my family someday But the way she talks and glorifies the Lord through her pain blows me away. I never thought I would have to walk that path. Until 3 weeks ago…
3 weeks ago tomorrow my husband and I lost the precious baby living inside of me. That day was probably one of the hardest of my life. Knowing what was happening, and knowing there was nothing I could do to change it. Gut wrenching are the only words to
describe the feeling of grief that comes over you. That type of cry that comes from the deepest part of your soul. How and why did this happen? This has never happened to me before. I have had 3 healthy pregnancies and 3 amazing little boys to show for it. God why?!?
After the birth of Joshua, our 2nd son, we felt the Lord asking us to trust Him with the size of our family. “Ummm, excuse me Lord? You SURE about that??” I mean, I don’t want to be the Duggers with 20 kids right?! This is where the Lord in His tender loving kindness
chastised us. Do we really believe God’s word when He proclaims children are a blessing from Him? How can we say we trust the Lord with our WHOLE life then not lay down this part at the cross? So that September of 2008 we decided to give that part to Jesus, and would except whatever He had for us. Even if it meant having 20 kids. Yep, I said it. SHOCK AND AWE! Fast forward to February 2011. I take a pregnancy test because I am 4 days late, and I’m NEVER late unless it’s for a reason YAY! Pregnant with number 4! And as fast as it happened it was ending. But Lord, I don’t understand!! I gave this part of our life to You, expecting children from it! I NEVER expected death. Never. With my heart ripped open, sore and tattered I went to the Lord in worship and prayer. The enemy
tried to attack so hard, to bring fear and depression. Fear of being intimate with my husband for fear of becoming pregnant again. Depression over feelings like I caused it. It has been a really hard, hard journey, but the Lord has been so faithful to treat me gently as He heals my heart and soul.
1 in 5 women miscarry. Some never know it and some do. I think unfortunately it’s one
of those “hush hush” things in our culture. But it NEEDS to be talked about. Cried over with your closest girlfriends. Dealt with before the Lord. That’s how healing comes. I’m so blessed to have some amazing women that surrounded me when I lost my baby. One of my friends came soon after it started, and just sat crying with me. The day after several of my friends came together to love on me and cook meals for our family. One of my best friends took me to the chiropractor so I could get adjusted and acupuncture to help the healing
process. My amazing chiropractors cried with us and held me as we all wept. Then that bestie took me out for a stiff drink and dinner They would call persistently when I wouldn’t answer my phone, even find tricky ways to stop by my house to check on me. My friend with teenage daughters lent her girls to us for a date night so Keith and I could go out and talk and reconnect. Because lets face it, for guys it’s a totally different experience. And they might not be sensitive to that. But they come around Promise.
Through this I have learned alot. First and foremost, as always, God is sovereign. He IS GOOD! He is kind. And that’s a hard thing to believe when your in the midst of pain. I
have learned that we aren’t guaranteed tomorrow. Heck we aren’t guaranteed the next second! Enjoy what God has given you. I look at my babies and will NEVER take pregnancy for granted again. I didn’t think I did before but I did. And yes, I am still the mom who losses patience and yells at her kids, or tells them to go play so I can get one last thing done, but I am looking more carefully at that these days. Can the chores wait? Yes. Your kids will be grown up before you know it. Or they could die tomorrow. Enjoy the time you have been blessed with. And as moms I think we are to hard on ourselves. We live in a “suck it up and get over it” type of world. Well I have decided not to embrace that ideal
anymore. I cried ALOT when this happened, and still cry. And will probably still cry years from now at our loss. Because it’s just that, a loss. They will never be replaced. And yes our baby is dancing with Jesus, but in my selfish flesh I wanted that baby to be with me. To birth that baby, nurse and sleep with that baby, watch that baby grow into a child, then an adult, get married and give me some grandbabies! But that will never happen with that child. So I sit here and grieve my baby, rejoice in the ones I have, thank the Lord that He is good in the midst of life hurting, and look forward to the rest of the journey, whatever that is.

Told by: Michelle

Two weeks before Bill left, I realized I was pregnant. I was angry at God. This was not my plan.

Three days later, I had names and Godparents picked out. I was mentally rearranging the car seats in the van, thinking ahead to bedroom assignments, and wondering if I should spend time and effort to fix and paint the crib or if I should just get a new one. I wouldn’t
say that I was joyful, but I was definitely making room in my heart for
another.

Three days before Bill left, I started bleeding. The day he left, I had an ultrasound and confirmed the miscarriage, the “abnormal pregnancy.”

The night before, Bill asked me, “You said you were angry at God when you found out you were pregnant…did you ever wish you weren’t?”

“Yes. And you?”

“Yes.”

And there it was, our collective guilt. We wished we weren’t having a baby, and now our baby was dead.
And we were grieving.

I do not know how a man feels when he has to leave his family for six months. I know that Bill’s eyes were moist and his jaw was clenched as four children clung to him, wailing and
begging for him not to go. They were hurting, and it was his fault. It’s a heavy burden. I didn’t want to add to it, but I could not change the reality that I was having a miscarriage. How helpless he must have felt.

When I got back from the doctor’s, I tried to comfort him and myself as well. “God
does not grant the impetuous wishes of someone if they are not also His will.”
He was leaving so soon, and we had not a moment to ourselves. Our every conversation, our every embrace had many little witnesses who often wedged themselves between us. It was important to me that the kids not know. I could not add to their grief. This was just between Bill and I, but we could not talk about it. We could not work through our loss together.

Two days after Bill left, I passed the baby. It was unexpected, in the shower. I held it in my hands and then it was gone the very second I realized what it was.  Not only was the baby gone, it was washed into the public sewer system. That was when I first really cried.

I am reminded that these are not our children. They belong to God, and He decides how long they are in our care. This one was with me so briefly, but, nonetheless, I feel that our family dynamic has changed. In my head, my family litany goes from oldest to youngest and ends with the baby, as yet unnamed. “God has given us a saint in Heaven to watch over us,” I told Bill, pointing out that we might be concerned that He feels we need one.

Bill and I have been in phone contact while he is down South getting equipment. But our opportunities for intimate conversations have been limited. I was finally able to voice to him my concern that this would be something that happened to me, and that it would not
be a shared memory. He assured me that the wound was a deep one, and that I was not alone in my sorrow.

This pregnancy was not the first unexpected and unwelcome child to enter my life. But always my passion for the child grew with the circumference of my waist. Never have I birthed an unloved and unwanted child, and always have I been able to make up for my
initial resentment with years of kisses and caresses and nurturing. I am sad I lost the baby, but I am also sad that I will have to wait a lifetime to prove to him or her and to God that my heart did, in fact, have room to love this child.