I wish I was crazy for Chinese New Year just as I was for Christmas… But I’m really not.

And I find it extremely unfortunate.

It wasn’t always this way. I loved CNY as a little kid. I remember fighting to play ‘TV game’ with the other kiddy cousins in my aunt’s room and counting ang pows on the bed at the end of the first day. There was a huge rambutan tree outside the house which was always full of fruits by the time CNY came. Under the tree were the goldfish tanks that grandpa kept. He had ariwana and catfish and a tonne of other random fish that I used to torment by poking them. The house was full of buzz!! Noisy and plenty to see and do. Reunion dinners were lavish dinners held at home. My grandpa used to serve soup in a carved melon which impressed me every year.

Things have changed a great deal now.

The cousins are all grown up and we live in our own world – the English speaking world and the Mandarin speaking world. The English speaking ones are overseas… and well… thats that.

They chopped down the rambutan tree.

Grandpa passed and all the fishes did too.

No one can do cool dinners anymore so we just pay a whole lot to go to a noisy Chinese restaurant for dinner.

I pass my days by watching DVDs.

What is there to look forward to for CNY??

I don’t have cute baby nieces or nephews to play with… I don’t have cousins to talk crap to… All I have are loads of aunties and uncles who will probably comment about how I look and make me talk about work. Last CNY I was humiliated when they just could not stop talking about how fat I was. I just came back from UK!! Can they give me a break?! Instead of asking me how my whole UK/Sabah experience was, they asked me how I got so damn FAT?!?!! Did I really travel over 300kms to Johor Bahru just so they can judge me on how I look?!

I know it’s not going to happen this time and I only hope that they won’t pull out any pills from their bags and start going “So ahh.. this medicine rite.. good ahh? Which one is the best ahh?? I heard people say horrr………..”

*sigH*

Please tell me what is there to look forward to for CNY?

The fact that I don’t have to go to work?? Yes.

Maybe I can hop over to Singapore for a little shopping spree?? Yes.

That is all I can look forward to.

They are my family. It should come naturally to be happy to see them but I don’t know how to be.

It’s so sad.

Really.

I’m really feeling the concequences of all my procrastination now. Research project is real shit right now and everything else is not moving. BOO to freaking ol’ me!

First the flu made my nose peel and look like a monster.. the sore throat is really taking the joy out of dispensing.. and I went to sleep with a headache and got up because it got worse! T_T

And now, still with the damn headache I need to do up a thing for the research shit by tomorrow. And that’s not it! I’m dispensing at the pharmacy over at the psychiatric clinic ALONE.. well with this Kak but I might as well be alone cause she’s just shit. And so many are Chinese patients (wonder why??) and psych patients just ask so many questions!…. In all sorts of Chinese dialects!… Shit….

You know what will make all of it a bigger pile of crap?? Is if I wake up with the bloody fever tomorrow!!! Bullshit!

I’ll be so glad for the end of tomorrow.

I had the oppotrunity to meet a man today.. who was missing a part of his skull.. Hmm..

It all happened over lunch @ Blossom.

Well basically, this limping Indian man came to our table to ask us to buy kacang. Okay.. Not unusual.

But neither of us wanted any (Yannee was going healthy by eating her ‘lui cha’ and well I just didn’t want to be any more of a piece of pork) so we politely declined.

He went on to saying “tolong lah.. beli lah.. saya ada 6 anak.. “ blabla.. yknow.. in an almost.. begging kind of tone..

How do you ask a person to go away after he says all those things?!! It’s just kacang damnit.. buy from him only lah (I’m such a sucker right?)…

2 ringgit for a pack of horsenuts (err.. kacang kuda) which was.. hmm.. oily.

So normally they would walk away and leave you to peacefully have your pan mee lah.

But he pulled the chair beside me and sat down… HMM~~…. I feel uncomfortable now..

Engaged in some small talk and when he knew we were working in Seremban GH he went on to saying he was in some kind of accident and had to have part of his skull removed..

He then PRODDED his head and it was SOFT. Like… like… prodding a fat person’s butt. I think Yannee almost regurgitated her green lui cha crap (lol sorry). I guess it doesn’t hurt.. But doesn’t it like give you some sort of headache for directly prodding your brain like that??

Uhh.. I had nothing to say.. It was extremely uncomfortable with him sitting in our table with his basket of kacang.. And I sure as hell didn’t feel like making eye contact or anymore small talk with this peculiar Indian man who decided to take away our appetite for lunch by poking his brain in front of us.

He eventually left to sell more kacang.

And we left after not finishing my pan mee.. I was so weirded out by the incident I left the kacang behind.

I don’t know why I’m still thinking about it now. It’s a one-off weird encounter that happens sometimes.

I think I feel bad.. For not taking his kacang.. I feel like I’m insulting him in some ways.. By giving him the 2 ringgit and not taking his damn kacang and acknowledging his way of making a living. I was prejudiced from the start.

He’s just a man.. in an unfortunate situation of which he did not chose to be in. All he’s doing is trying to put bread on the table for his family and perhaps got carried away with his tragic life story. And I looked at him like he was some kind of crazy person.

Well I feel bad.

Sorry Mr. KacangMan.

Internet is back!

I’m gonna take a loooooong bath… Battle the breakouts with Dermalogica kau kau.. *sigH* Wish I bought that set of 3 masks from Origins…

*Hydrating mask + deep pore cleansing + 10 minute mask to rescue problem skin* Mask Marvels RM150 on promo!

After that I’m gonna do a body scrub *sigH* Wish I bought that Body Shop special edition Black Velvet body scrub. Smells sooo awesome…

Black Velvet Apricot body smoother. Special edition!! RM49

Unfortunately I didn’t buy either… So I’ll just have to settle with what I have…

After the long bath I think I’m gonna stay home and try out that instant scallop porridge for dinner.. With my sotong balls… And a cup of Milo??

It’s ok. I’m going home tomorrow. I’ll have home cooked food. With fresh green vege. And soup.

My Seremban home has been internetless for nearly 2 weeks now! And out of desperation my housemate and I have come to Foodtiam to heal our soul with FB.

So I last left off with Genting Trailblazer. I surprised myself by completing the whole 14km of running, hiking, sliding, climbing, falling, crawling and wading through mud pools.

Well I definitely didn’t die doing it, although I did come home with a limp. Barely halfway through the course, I sprained my ankle while running through the starting bits of the jungle hike. Just imagine slamming your ankle sideways on uneven ground with the full weight of your body. The PAIN. And that sickening CRACK. It’s still fresh in my memory. Ughh. By far the worst in my history of sprains. PF being my darling partner applied muscle rub for me and so many random people stopped to ask whether I was ok. This guy even offered to carry me. Wah.

After a while, we just had to be on our way. Slowly but surely, km after km, we came closer to the finish line.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought. The jungle bit made it an interesting course and the obstacle course made it downright dirty!

The water is salty.. How can highland water be salty??… Eww.

*slide into mudpool wheee~*

The VERY LAST obstacle before the finish line!!

No more shoez. Threw mine away in the hotel =P

We made it girls!! All 14km =)

We finished in 4 hours at 25th place in the Women’s Adventure category.

Everything was great. No regrets at all. I had an amazing time with the girls =) The next time we go up there, there will be no running and waking up early. It will be purely lazing around like pigs yeaH!!

Only bad thing that came out of it is my inability to walk in my pretty heels for the next few months =( =(

So this weekend is unlike any other.

Other happy weekends will consist of me waking up without an alarm clock at 10am, rolling around in bed for half an hour before getting out of it to go disturb the boyfriend. Ahh~ happy days.

This weekend I’m all EMO-ed and STRESS-ed out from this Genting Trailblazer thing. It’s a freaking con job ok. After registration for the 14KM run CLOSED onie they open registration for this charitable ‘GreenAid 3KM Fun Run’. Like WTH rite I register for 14KM of hell when I can take that RM190 to give to charity and guarantee won’t die running 3KM.

No. Cannot transfer registration to the 3KM run. I check already. Stupid.

You know how badly I’m going to suffer? I tell you ok.

The only ‘training’ I had was ONE time jog last week. They said we did about 3.5KM.

I ached for THREE DAYS.

And I was so traumatized I didn’t want to jog anymore.

So that’s my training.

*sigh*

Maybe I should go sprain my ankle tomorrow.. Hmm…

What do you do when all you need is someone to ask, “hey. u ok? tell me whats bothering u.”

It’s kind of the only comfort you need.

But you don’t get it.

Because letting out all your concerns (whether they are real or made up by PMS) would just add to someone elses stresses of the day.

But you hope that they get it and ask you anyway.

It’s just silly to hope and expect that isn’t it! Because you didn’t tell anyone you were upset in the first place.

But then again that’s the point because you don’t want to be someone’s responsibility.

It was raining.

He obviously was a victim of hydroplaning.

His car was smashed to pieces as he hit the divider.

And I don’t even know what happened to the oncoming car….

I hope someone spared them a miracle.

=(

Traumatized…

If I was 1 car behind… it would have been me smashing into him….

You know how 30 minutes can feel like an extremely long and painful hour?

When you’re a freaking pork (according to the boyfriend) and try to train for a 14km marathon run by the name of Genting-freaking-Trailblazer 2 weeks before the actual day.

You know I probably can’t even walk 14 km.

What more rush through 14km of golf course, jungle and muddy obstacle courses – all before lunch.

What got into us?

I think we got possessed by the temporary overwhelming ‘girl power’-spirit or whatever.

I PAID 190BUX to torture myself.. ohmygod..

I totally jinxed myself last weekend.

During an Old Town session with ChiChi & WeeN I proudly bragged how fortunate I was to have reasonable working hours and that the work itself isn’t all that stressfull (most times anyway). I went on to say, “I just don’t get how you guys can work till the sky turns dark!!”. Till today that’s still incomprehensable to me.

Everyone punches in at 8 then chills for 20 mins before they dissipate. As for me I almost always have donuts and coffee about 10.30 (just like those fat American policeman/Homer Simpson). Then at 4.30 everyone waits around for 5. And everyone seems jealous of this.

You know what!! Don’t be.

You chose your line and I chose mine!!

….

I regret bragging now. Cause I’ve been running around madly these past few days cause my more experienced colleagues are clearing their off hours; leaving me with a noobie and all the counsellings to myself. And what is with all 4 medical wards not having ANY PRP’s?!?!!

And as always.. everyone else is pretty hesitant when it comes to doing counsellings (why? – lazy/noobies)

I know.. When counselling wasn’t  my responsibility, I also lazy! *sigh* Now I have no choice =.=

Thankgoodness it’s another Friday tomorrow. I need PJ to heal my soul.

***

I think I’m worried now. I’m not falling asleep as well as I used to (despite me buying a 30rm bolster).

Research project not yet start (no title oso omg die), a zillion PCP’s not done, haven’t clerk enough CP2’s, DIS article review not yet start, DIS querries not enough, CDR article review (stupidfcking R**za).

Runsing betul. Tidur pun tak lena.

All you finishing PRP’s don’t you come ere and brag ar. Claw off your privates then you know. MAOO~!!

*sigh*

Feel like going for a good drink tomorrow night.

i bought a bolster! i can’t wait to sleep.

My housie and I went to dinner at Jusco last night and I ended up shopping!! Ahhhh~ feels damn good…..

My housie picked it out! Freaking hottt… Come lets go out!

Totally unnecessary purchase!! YAY!!

***

This week feels so long! See ya’ll back in PJ tomorrow!! Off tomorrow afternoon and Monday! =) =)

Last weekend I went for a friend’s wedding. My very first ‘friend’s wedding’.

We’ve all gone for a wedding of our ‘parents friend’s daughter’ which turned out to be a total bore. But when it’s your own friend it’s TOTALLY different!! I’m really happy for her eventhough I don’t know her THAT well.

They put on one of those slide shows.. Y’know the ones that show her growing up and all.. And her wedding pictures.. Wahhhh after that I turned to my friend and said, “WalaoO make me damn ‘han ka’ now” (itchy to get married). Shit after I said that I terus regret. She went around telling people and I think they think I’m desperate to get married di =.=”

Dumdum photographer make us do an ugly half-squat pose…

Oh this picture is here because I think Yannee looks so shweeeet~!! (Free advertising for her larr…)

***

So after the yummy wedding dinner (got sharks fin soup ok!! Damn I pantang eating sharks fin for years dii.. Couldn’t help myself that night AIH damn fail…), I went over to celebrate ChiChi’s birthday at Cavell’s! Aww~ A night full of celebration =) Which usually involves alot of alcohol because my Chinese friends are half-Indian =.=

Do you see the Oreo? (With a hint of strawberry cream)

Aww~ The 3 people I absolutely adore!! BFF!! LOL

*

So weird not getting your call at 3am

My phone is officially non-functional.

The important buttons don’t work.. making it only frustrating to keep it on when I can’t answer/make calls/sms.

*SIGH*

And Palm Pre isn’t out yet…. No news! No news!!!

The more I read.. The more I want it…

Ugh have to last 3 days without a phone.. So sanfu..

*

Since I can’t call… Goodnight xoxo

The week is so much easier to go through when I know I have this Friday afternoon ANDD whole of next Monday OFF!!!!

Puan R agreed to let me use my 14 accumulated hours over Raya holidays!

It’s such an awesome feeling y’know! I don’t even feel bad for not working cause I earned it! Wohohohohoo!

I’m gonna book me an Aster Spring facial session for Monday. Then have some ‘me’ time shopping in Pyramid.

It’s my last session from the ~rm800 package I signed up for.. Meaning have burn another hole to buy a new package dii…

I think I’ve spent close to 2K on Dermalogica treatments and facial products since starting work 6 months ago =P =P

So that’s over 600rm with of Dermalogica products =P

I LOVE their products! And I absolutely swear by their Daily Microfoliant.

Haiyah.. Spend so much but some people still say I got face problem =.=”

And that hair brush.. looks like it’s used for brushing horses… I just bought it for 30rm. It has ‘natural bristles’ and built in ‘antibacterial protection’!! Omg I’m such a sucker. Ok seriously I just needed a brush cause I left mine in PJ and I can’t go to work looking like a homeless dog. And all the plastic-ey ones didn’t apeal to me so there.

And behold the pink bottle behind the brush that leaked water onto my handphone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I spent 23 bucks on that Rubbermaid bottle that I thought was awesome!) And now I’m frantically trying to hairdry my poor freaking phone cause I don’t think I can live without one for another hour. I think my hairdryer is going to choke and die on me pretty soon now.

Hopefully this hardy Nokia phone will surive till Palm Pre comes out!! I’m loving it more and more by the day I tell you it’ll outshine iPhone 3GS anyday!!!!!

Come to mama babehhh.. I’d pay a whole lot for youu….

You know life can be so funny sometimes (okay honestly.. not so funny).

Life’s experiences teaches me and reminds me time and time again that when something good happens, it’s not actually good. Something will creep up and ruin it. It’s like.. life is telling me that everything great is short-lived.

Personal experiences have proven it to me and when I’m supposed to be all-out-happy, I tell myself it’s “too good to be true” and this automatic barrier comes up and blocks part of me that wants to jump up with joy.

Not too long ago I was in ‘cloud nine’. Happy. Contented. I could not ask for more. True enough, it came crashing down right before my eyes.

Now I’ve got exactly what I’ve been hoping and waiting for. It’s what I’ve dreamed of hearing. I’ve heard those words that I need to wipe away the worry and pain that has been plaguing me for 7 long months. It was the promise I thought I would never hear.

But I can’t bring myself to enjoy it.

I can’t seem to savour this moment because at the back of my head I’m going, “this is too good to be true. Where is the catch? I must be missing something.”

WHAT IS IT? What is the illusion that makes this magic?

I’m skeptical that this is the end of my worries.

It’s all confusing again when it should be crystal clear.

The boyfriend selamba-ly tore out a page from my Female magazine during Sunday brunch…

Right in front of my eyes.. with no shame….

Then Yannee stole the torn-out-page from me at dinner today…

Right in front of my eyes.. with no shame….

At least she’s putting him to good use… Plastered on her room door to ‘improve the flow of lengchai chi’ into her room.

LOL if only I could upload the picture I took of PF, Yannee & J nearly drooling over his picture at dinner.

Silly silly girls.

(Happy la you now. Manage to get rid of him)

Hello.

I’m using Bio-Oil.

I hope it works.

So skeptical. But more desperate. So had to try.

From the outside I say “Bahh who cares bout the scars” but deep inside it kinda matters.

And yea I’m actually talking bout something else.

I’m feeling much better now.

But I’m not sure whether I’ve really learned to accept or that I’ve just ignored and forgotten.

Maybe a bit of both?

I think I’m okay with it now.. Well.. until it comes up again and I go bezerk and mad.

I hope Bio-Oil gives me pretty legs.

Maybe that will help a tad bit.

I have an impossible load of work to finish by the end of the week.

So much that I’m already giving up because unless I’m inhuman (which I’m pretty sure I’m not), it’s a guarantee that I would not be able to complete it.

I really wanna watch Top Gear now. But I’ll feel bad.

So I’ll go to sleep then I’ve got the excuse that I’m ‘resting’ so I won’t feel so bad.

I don’t wanna do all of this work already.

I don’t want to be in Seremban.

I just want to go home.

I don’t want to be away. I don’t care how ‘near’ it is because it’s not near enough.

I don’t want to be away from mummy and daddy who are the only two people who love me unconditionally.

I want to lay in bed.

I want you to tell me it’s going to be okay.

The incompetence of others kept me busy today. And for once it was a good thing. It kept my mind too occupied to wonder off into dangerous territory.

For the heart, it was a much calmer day. The tides have gone down and I can breathe a little better.

***

It’s another Friday night in Seremban.

And it was spent healing the soul… the girls way..

Clothes. Jewellery. Lingerie. Food.

I was so committed to save for my Palm Pre that I resisted a good offer for a facial package at Aster Spring.. saving me 876rm.

But I couldn’t resist getting myself a white gold ring at 321K.. putting me back by 149rm.

My first piece of real jewellery. Bought with my own hard earned money.

I’m all grown up now.

THE SAVING STARTS TODAY!!

I am SO getting this phone and NOTHING will stop me!!

Palm Pre you are so beautiful. You’re the phone I’ve been waiting for.

You have no idea how excited I am.

I guess I’ve figured it out.

I’ve been cracking my skull trying to combine logic, practicality and reality with complicated human emotions.

But the answer came to me when I wasn’t actively searching for one. Funny.

I’ve taken so many things into consideration. But this is how I’ll simply put it…

I don’t know many things for sure.

But one thing I’m certain of is that it makes me incredibly happy. I feel warm and fuzzy inside and out. I go to bed feeling complete, whole and content.

Is it wise to sacrifice all that for something I don’t know for sure?

No. At least not for now.

Yes. There are underlying unresolved issues that I’ll just have to face head on when it decides to come.

Things are just as hard. But at least my mind isn’t such a wreck now.

I’ve made a decision not based purely on the heart and I’m counting on it being a wise one.

And so the days continue and it remains, keeping my heart whole.

It was the first day in over 5 months in which I experienced slight relief upon arriving in the hospital for work.

Because when I did, my problems seemed less important, naturally because of all the people with broken bones, infection in weird places and sorts.

So working serves as a good distraction.

Only a simple distraction.

And so the hurt and disappointment still intermittently presents itself at every minute that my mind gets a little rest.

It’s baffling how somethings could be so darn important.

To lose it is almost like losing myself.

And to keep it close and dear to me, I chose to put it way up my priority list.

More than willing to do so because having it is having happiness.

And when there is so much happiness, there is nothing I won’t do; almost nothing I wouldn’t give and sacrificing becomes easy.

Sacrificing is one thing, but being a fool is another.

How much to sacrifice before I turn into a bloody fool?

There’s fine line between that one and I’ve yet to figure it out.