I love to make things from scratch for the holidays, and with the holidays upon us, I am off to the store to buy all the ingredients I will need to bake my ass off again this year. Much of it will be shipped to friends and family across the country, some of it will be offered as gifts to our new friends in our new home. As it turns out, the phrase “from scratch” also applies to my love life. I’ve got a fresh start here and I can pick and choose my own ingredients for whatever recipe for love I decide to cook up!

The dream recipe for my guy has taken years to perfect (in my mind). He’s around 5″11, beautiful smile, strong features, and amazing hands that fit perfectly in mine. He’s usually bald, or salt and pepper, little dimples, and it matters little what he does for a living or what his body type is, because when I am with him, the whole universe evaporates anyway. I am safe and warm and I fantasize (see my blog Destiny—- from August 2009) he is the one I run into in my new downtown on December 15th. He’s the guy that will pick up my bags as I clumsily drop them enroute to my car (or something like that!).

But in all actuality, what if he’s not there? What if I have to continue to bake this dream, define it, test it in the kitchen before I can offer it to someone else wrapped up with love along with all the other homemade confections? As I “cook up” this fantasy of finding my dream man in the beautifully decorated streets of my town, what if he’s still in the oven? What if he’s still friggin married, separated or recently widowed? Crap, what chance do I have then? My warm, chewy, delicious gingerbread man, isn’t running down the street away from the little old woman looking for his wonderful new woman, he’s still laying on the cookie sheet in a toasty 350 degree oven…..wait for it….. getting crispy and perfect without ME! But, but, I’m ready NOW! Out of the oven, dammit, I’ve waiting long enough to frost your cute little face!

Baking is an art. Finding the love of your life is evidently a culinary art of its’ own. You don’t just throw some flour and sugar and a couple of large Grade A eggs into a bowl, mix for 4 minutes or until smooth, and roll it all into Mr. Perfect! Even on my best baking day, I couldn’t pull THAT off! It’d be nice… but that’s another blog entirely…

I’m going to bake this year. And as the eternal optimist I am going to be on that square on December 15th. I will look fabulous – for me. I’ve accomplished all I’ve ever wanted so far in life and being here only solidifies my certainty that I will very soon fufill the rest of my dreams. Of course they include my dream man, but I’ve been “baking” long enough to know that even if I am “done”, he might not be. He might need some more time in the oven so to speak. He might need to catch up with me, like the gingerbread man in the book begging all to join in the chase for the elusive warm cookie.

My melt in my mouth moment has already happened. I am living it every day of my life. I savor in every bite, enjoy the flavor, and go back for seconds, just because my life is sooo delicious right now!

I’m going to look for love – from scratch this time. I love the possibilities it offers. Like a recipe, I will try to follow the directions, I’ll put alot of love into the bowl of life, and hopefully if it all makes its’ way into the oven and I time it just right, the end result will be a perfectly baked love – from scratch!

I am exactly the girl I knew I would be when I was five. The trick is finding the guy who makes this cookie feel “whole” and frosted from head to toe – with love. I pray for all my readers to find the “sweet love” of their life!

Love,

Mel

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They tell me to forgive him. They tell me to forget about him. They tell me to be the bigger person and not to even react. Not to fall into his trap of being his little toy, complying with the emotions he wants me to feel: hurt, angry, upset. But it’s not so easy, when all I want is to make him feel my pain.

But really I think I am just more angry with myself than I am with him. I expected this behaviour from him. For him to just run away. And so precariously did I tread the waters, so afraid of him doing exactly that. But I am angry with myself because I knew from the start, deep down, that this was what he was going to do. And I let him. I willingly let him hurt me. When I could have been stronger and just turned him away. I just make myself so vulnerable to him. My heart is weak in that way. My heart cares not much for my sanity.

And although I want to expend all sorts of violence towards him, in the end, what would it matter? I wanted to hurt him by taking back every word, taking back anything that was borne between us, and leaving him with nothing but the mere memory of me, nothing even tangible. I still have the urge to march up to his apartment and do so, but I am small, and not much of a knight-in-shining-armor for myself. But I realise the best punishment for me to bestow is for me not to even give him significance in my world. It would flatter him if I ever gave him the same status as J back in the day. It would tickle his ego for me to pine after him for years on end. But from this day forth, he means nothing to me, he never meant anything to me. He is dead. I am going to finally live my life.

No point in pointing fingers in who’s to blame. We just were not meant to be.

The following are the last entries that I will ever dedicate to him:

ODW: Sunday, November 15, 2009
12:15 am

Brian.
I told him last week through text that I no longer wanted to continue our clandestine affair, with M in mind. And I ended up telling him I hated him. Which come on, we all know could never be true. I love him so much that it gets confused with other emotions. Then this, Wednesday night I received a text in the middle of the night while I was at M’s place. And against the advisement of E and indirectly M, I replied back. And in the end it was revealed that he still loved me and that the sex was never as casual as he made it seem. He was doing the same thing I was doing, protecting ourselves by pretending we didn’t care. And that was all I needed to make my move. The next day, I texted him. I was freaking out. Majorly. And I had no idea what to say. I guess really I was just so scared that I would say the wrong thing and he would run away and hurt me all over again. so I had E and R the entire way, telling me what to say. And I guess they were right. Because I found out Brian still wants to be with me and he agreed to trying things out with me and asked me out that very same night, which would have been Thursday night. WE took a walk around campus. It was dark and cold but it was a dream come true. Just being there with him, walking around campus, with him. It was perfectly innocent at first, almost if not fully awkward. But then suddenly a hand held, some excuse to get our bodies close. He picked me a white rose from in front of some hall. It was so sweet. And then we decided to explore off the beaten path and found a hillside with large boulders. We climbed up the hill, him leading the way, while he held my hand. We sat on the rock admiring the city lights. Then decided to make shapes out of the clouds in the sky. He said to me he would never let anything or anyone hurt me. He said he loved any moment he had with me. We kissed and kept each other warm. He stopped it before it went too far because he knew I didn’t want to be all about sex with us. He respected that. And that’s how I knew he was serious. We were really going to try to make this work. On the way back his hands were cold, and I had a pair of gloves. The same pair his mother gave me a year ago for Christmas. And I gave him one hand and kept th eother and held hands with the gloved hand and kept the other in our pockets to keep them warm. He walked me to my door that night and gave me a kiss goodnight. The next day, he invited me over for movies. And we also did laundry together. It was absolutely perfect. And we did it three time. However though how happy this should be making me, I cannot but think about things. This is only a trial run. What if we find it is better when we are not together? Why doesn’t he introduce me to his friends? Why is he withholding information from me? what if we have already drifted apart and the love is really gone? and why do I still feel like I cannot talk to him? But I really shouldn’t be thinking these things. I am only subjecting myselt to paranoia and thus sabotaging myself. I just won’t think or feel any of this. This has to work.

ODW: Thursday, November 19, 2009
11:18 pm

Nowadays with Brian, I feel like we are just beating a dead horse. Remember how I kept wishing for J and I was finally given that chance and I realised it was no longer what I wanted? Perhaps it is the same way now with Brian? Too much has happened, too much time has passed. And even when you put something broken back together, even if you are very careful, it is never really quite the same. And perhaps had we tried patching things up months before, we could have worked  out, but after so many months apart, so many revelations and feelings felt between then, I just cannot go back to the way things were even if I really wanted to make things work. And I really wish they would. But I cannot erase the things that were said and felt. I really did at one point hate him. He took away my dreams. He pushed me to the edge. He made me lose my faith in love. And why should he do this now? Right when I was starting to turn things around for myself and I found someone I could be happy with? He doesn’t make me feel special. He doesn’t give me that butterfly feeling like he used to. I don’t even feel compelled to use the L word around him. I feel like he is just using me to substitute a girlfriendless void. Just something to occupy himself when he has nothing better else tod o. He is sweet enough when we are together, but I feel like we are just going through the motions just for the sake of going through them and making it seem like everything is alright between us again. But there is so much that needs to be said, but I am too scared to bring it up and he probably wouldn’t want to talk about it. It was always his way to run in the other direction. And it has always been my way to need persistent persuasion to finally reveal how I feel. Communication has always been our downfall. but I am trying to change that. I loved him once. That has to count for something. And if in the end it still doesn’t work, well then I can walk away from it at last with my head held high, knowing I tired my hardest. And then mayhap I will finally find love. He cannot hurt me anymore.

I just want someone to defend me for once.
I am tired of fighting my own battles all the time.

I had this long drawn out post containing all the thoughts and feelings I have been harboring within me, letting brew into what may become the perfect storm. Everything from my family being a constant facet of frustration in my life, from the many doubts about every move I make, and the uncertainty of the relationships I hold. But I took a shower in which during that while I realised there is no point in blasting my heart out. All I want is for someone to talk to, someone who will listen, let me know everything will be alright, and will have answers to my many questions. But the internet cannot talk back to me, hold me, basically it cannot act as friend. And so, the only option left to me is just to keep it in, and let it fester until I snap. Until then, I will uphold a façade of peace and serenity.

One of my greatest and most cherished pastimes has been to garden. The above images are the bouquets I arranged and took photos of when I last went home. They were the last of the roses. I know my mother adores it when I arrange flowers to keep in her home and I find my center when I do. To me, handling flowers makes me feel beautiful and empowered. However, it is winter time now, cold it is, and no flowers grow.

This Supra was one of my most inexpensive Ebbro models I have purchased and yet is a great piece to have gotten. The detail is perfect and the old school flavor is there in all its glory!

I received an email from an online diecast dealer that they were liquidating their inventory and marked a lot of items down 60%. I headed over to their site and grabbed a few items for a fairly good price. These DB9R’s are gorgeous. One happened to get broken up pretty bad during shipment, but with a steady hand and some monster monkey super glue I got it back together. It looks great from far but closeup inspection will tell the tale. These both are hand made ,resin built, 1:24 scale models by Spark. Not only is the detail superb but the weight it AMAZINGLY HEAVY!Terrific additions to my collection!

This was the one that I received broken to pieces

Here we are in this big old empty room, staring each other down
U want me just as much as I want U, let’s stop fooling around
Take me baby… kiss me all over… play with my love
Bring out what’s been in me for far too long
Baby, u know that’s all I’ve been dreaming of
Do Me Baby, like u never done before
Give it to me til I just can’t take no more
Do Me Baby, like u never done before
I want u now, I just can’t wait no more, can’t wait…

Here we are looking for a reason for u to lay me down
For a love like ours is never out of season, so baby please stop teasing me
what ya do, I can never love no other, u’re the best I ever had
Whenever we’re not close to one another, I just want u so bad

So Do Me Baby, like u never done before
Give it to me till I just can’t take no more
C’mon, Do Me Baby, like u never done before
I want u now, I just can’t wait no more

I said ooo…ooo…oooo…ooooooo
Do Me Baby, Do Me Baby, give it to me
Do Me Baby, I want u now
Do Me Baby, give it to me
Do Me Baby, Do Me baby, don’t wanna do it all alone
I want your love.
Do Me Baby, give it to me
Do Me Baby, This feeling is too strong, make me wait 2 long, I want u now

scene: it is cold. it is dark. people are bustling to get home. car drives by me, back seat window rolled down.

“i love your ass.” window rolls up.

i smile. thought: thank you kindly, sir. i love it too.

Dati, some different persons  told me these things.

Lately ko lang na realize, when I was able to experience them for myself.

Oras na para mag labas ng sama ng loob.

Please forgive me if some of these will hurt some of you.

1. “It is better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all.”
Yeah, to those who never took the shot, you missed a great part of your life. Eh ano ngayon kung masasaktan ka? Suck it up. Deal it with.

2. “Kung talagang mahal mo, you have to let go.”
Yeah, para lumigaya siya and para lumigaya ka na.

3. “Hindi ka niya kayang mahalin.”
Yeah, not because he doesn’t love you, but because your love is too much to be returned.

4. “People cheat.”
Yeah, more often than you’d like to imagine.

5. “I love you.”
Yeah, I know you still do.

6. “Pag nag break kayo, rule #1 is to stop all means of communication.”
Yeah, now I understand why.

7. “Bakit ka pa sumasama sa kanya? Eh kung may GF na siya! Ano iisipin ng GF niya sayo?”
Yeah, I don’t want to be someone who doesn’t know how to respect yung relationship ng iba.

8. “Hindi maganda ang rebound relationship.”
Yeah, because you’re lonely, it’s not fair to the new person.

0. “Give me some time to heal.”
Yeah, because I knew how it felt to need time to heal myself.

10.  “You will get over this, and one day, you will look back at this moment na umiiyak ka and you will be very proud of it.”
Yeah, I am proud. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

These lips were meant to be kissed, and kissed often.

Fuck you.

Why do you always do this to me?

Ok, today is a better time now, than ever to let you know whats going on in my life in a weird super natural way.

I still have to write my blog about my Kalalau trip and all the supernatural things that took place out there, but this is a post to that in the sense that its all starting to make sense and come together however the 143 thing has been with me my entire life.

The Start…

When I was young child I started to notice that every time I looked at a clock, watch, odometer or anything that had digital time on it, I would almost ALWAYS see it. I was starting to really trip me out and up until last summer none of it made sense so I just took it as a “143 means (I love you) so its just a constant reminder that Im always loved or thought of”… you know, the little things that make the big differences in life.

Well…

I went to Kalalau in the jungle and met a guy who lived in the jungle and he started to blow my mind and explain things to me on a very real foundational simplified level on what people think are just “odd circumstances” and “strange coincidences” and I learned more than ever that nothing in life is a coincidence. Fate is a crazy thing and being able to read and understand signs in your life is a huge advantage in knowing that you are indeed on the right path.

As i started to understand more and more that the things I was putting out into the universe were all happening for me, I started to see more and more of these “signs” if you will that my life was on a path that was aligning with the things that god wanted for me, the universe, and me for me. As i started to eliminate all the things that were holding me back from my path and I started accepting my path and stopped resisting it so much, everything started to unfold in rapid succession as it is even more so today.

All of my other blogs that are coming and will be linked here (Kalalau, Ukraine, Guanaja) will help alot of this make sense but for now. I want to show you something that you cant make up…

I have been writing and traveling to get this new record done and when I set it in stone that I wasnt going to procrastinate anything any longer and just keep moving forward with it I really started to make itself scarily apparent. I would wake up, its 143, i would go to bed its 143, the signs on the road 143, the odometer 143, my phone 143 all just too much.

So…

Im in bed, and 143 pops up on right before im headed to the airport. I land, grab my bags, look down at my phone and it says… 143. I get picked up and start to tell my buddy about this really strange phenomenon happening in my life and he is like “yeah man thats crazy I wonder what it means” Well… We go to bed that night and I wake up the next morning to start tracking and…

Woke up to this...

Then… we start tracking and spend all day knocking out this song and making sure its as rocking as possible. We get offered to go enjoy a dinner at this spanish italian place called Barcelona, which by the way, has THE BEST food ever! When we pulled up, we threw all the quarters we had on us in the meter and…

The Meter

We hang out with this acter named Carmine and he out of nowhere is like “im gonna pay for everything, its all on me, i got a new big film coming out and I wanna take the tab” We were like… wow, this guy is very generous and awesome. So, my buddy at diner starts to tell Carmine “hey man, you need to hear this crazy thing thats happening to Danny… hes got the 143 number popping up everywhere and he cant make sense of it”, so I start to show everyone at the table all this snapshots I took of everytime I see this number sequence. Everyone at the table starts their own theories…”1+4+3=8 and 8 is the infinity sign” and many things of this sort.

The waiter comes up after our AMAZING dinner and hands us our bill and I just hear Carlos gasp and point at the bill and…

The Bill

Everyone at our table is looking at me like “WTF, this is SCARY, like seriously some David Copperfield type ish!” and I am pretty blown away as well. Never in one day have I experienced this many 143’s in succession. Carmines arms are covered in goosebumps and he is like “man this is really crazy, i cant even think straight” and I assure him that I have been dealing with this my whole life and nothing but amazing blessed things have followed even tho my life has been one that also had some really sad and unfortunate things that came as well, much like anyone i think.

We finish up our drinks and everyone walks away mind blown. We had to get back to the house for some finishing touches on the song So we walk in the house, get down into the studio, flip on the monitor and start running the tracks to hear it from the start. As im listening to the track I look down and Oh My God! The track is exactly 143 measures!!!! Look at this below…

Song Track Measures

Lastly… im laying in bed and playing Monopoly on my iPhone and sure enough…

Monopo143

I honestly dont know what the heck is going on… Its really crazy. If you have any thoughts or ideas, or whatever. I would sincerely appreciate it. All I know, is that is HAS to be a good thing because in the last month that this has all been coming in rapid succession I have got 2 offered for reality shows, a major business venture in China, 3 major producers on board to do this new record without a record deal! I dont know whats happening but whatever it is, its really good and as long as I keep seeing it… then life is going right on path!

Below are a FEW of the snapshots ive saved…

A Few Snapshots...

Doraemon: Kung tunay kang nagmamahal, hihintayin mo sya kahit gaano pa katagal.

I am so sick of being the girl in the pretty dress
That boys want to teach a lesson
I get it.

But what exactly are you all trying to say?
Am I really  just not good enough?
For you to choose me over another?
For you to stop being so damn proud?
For you not to want to change who I am?

Why can’t you just let me be happy?
Happy with You?

Ma intreb, de cate ori pe zi o persoana spune “Te iubesc”?

De cate ori e sincera si de cate ori nu?

La ce se gandeste cand spune asta?

Primul “Te iubesc” nu mi-a apartinut.

Primul  “Te iubesc” a venit din partea unui baiat de care acum  imi amintesc mai putin decat mi-as dori.Stiu doar ca il placeam foarte mult,era noapte,stateam intr-un leagan si ascultam fara sa vrem  “Wind of change” de la blocul de alaturi.Nu am stiut cum sa reactionez in momentul ala:imi batea inima de parca era un pacient cu epilepsie internat la spitalul de nebuni,aveam un gol in stomac si tot ce am putut sa zic a fost un “Si eu..” penibil(realizez acum).Nu am putut sa ma gandesc la nimic altceva.Ma blocasem.Dar stiu ca eram sincera…

Timpul a trecut,alti oameni au intrat in viata mea,am auzit alte “te iubesc-uri”,insa de fiecare data cand le raspundeam,gandeam…Ma gandeam la primul “Te iubesc”,la leagan si la “Wind of change”.De fiecare data cand rosteam acele 2 cuvinte simteam cum ma intorceam in trecut,cum reveneam in prezent si cum schimbam planurile realitatii.Diferenta era ca de aceasta data nu eram sincera.Comparam senzatiile si stiam ca sunt cu mult mai  ieftine decat ceea ce traisem initial…

Viata mea a mers inainte.Oameni noi.Alte “te iubesc-uri”…Si multe,prea multe,ametitoare,teatrale.Au devenit brate ale unui mecanism prea bine pus la punct.Nu am raspuns la ele,nici macar nu m-am obosit sa le gandesc.Stiam ca sunt false.Ma gandeam inca la “Wind of change”…Am inceput sa traiesc din fiecare cate putin,imi placeau senzatiile si sentimentele diluate,nu vroiam totul.Refuzam sa spun “Te iubesc”.

Dupa o lunga perioada de timp am ajuns sa spun “Te iubesc” din nou.Poate prea des si fara rost.Uneori simt ce spun,alteori nu.E ca atunci cand mananci din ceva ce iti place foarte mult si ajungi la suprasaturatie.Ti se face rau.Cand spun “Te iubesc”  nu ma mai gandesc la leagan,la “Wind of change”,la nimic:vad  doar  doua maini ce se tin strans langa schimbatorul de viteze.E trista destinatia cuvantului.Uneori nici macar la asta nu ma mai gandesc,poate doar la niste cifre…

La 143.

Stiti ce inseamna,nu?

You know who you are.
You’re the fucking best.
Listen to our song, over and over.
Realise every word is about us.

It’s never too late.

I noticed new grass growth around my apartment today from when the groundskeeper spread seeds a few weeks ago. They grew so fast and so unexpectedly. But their surprise exhilarated me. I am all about symbolism and to me this new growth represented to me the start of my new life. This new chapter that will write about all my ”new growth”. 

For too long now I have been bogged down by leaves falling from the heavy trees I once looked up to. And underneath those rotting leaves, I was stunted, suffocated, discolored. But now it is my time to grow. My time to be a great tree to be looked up to.

I feel that nothing can feel better than the sun shining on my face, wind cooling the sweat off my back, as I smile at all who come across my way today. And is there nothing a clean white oxford shirt can’t make look amazing? Because I know I look amazing today. I feel amazing today and I think that confidence is attending karma to treat me well.

I was able to purchase my class catalogue for UCR, pay my bills, acquire student information, and learn something substantial in my anthropology class. I received in the mail my Daisy Owl posters. I just have to put them up now. Then later I am going to purchase the movie Up. In between classes I am going to make spaghetti, cheese biscuits, and pineapple upside down cake. After classes I am heading over to LA (with all that food) for the night and all of Wednesday to spend time with a guy who respects me.

Life is turning up. It is just a good day.

Maybe I’ll die today? Because that would be highly ironic.

I really need to talk to you. Give me a sign.
I don’t think I can win this.

I miss you.                    I miss you.                    I miss you.

i saw words written in white across the sky
but i think it was just because of the
sleepless three nights in a row with you.

they didn’t really say anything
but they were beautiful nonetheless.