You know, I must be some kind of magnet for seeing random woodworking on trucks.

Like this. I’m not entirely sure, but I think this could be illegal. I mean, it’s not like you can use your rearview mirror with that thing. Unless you have the X-ray vision?

There are some super cheap glass replacement type places out there, legit or not-otherwise-specified. Come on, fucker, at least try.

Also, does it affect your speed? Because you drive like it does. Maybe you’re afraid that shit might pop off every time you hit a bump on the road?

Yeah, I’d be afraid of that, too. Thus, I would not do it.

You are some of the most useless drivers on the road. Unless inciting ire constitutes “use” and then you would be fucking excellent at it.

So, seriously, what is even the point of rubbernecking except to increase traffic? It’s not like you’re actually doing anything useful. You’re not stopping to help or calling the cops or paramedics. All you are doing is slowing everyone down to have to deal with your stupid, puttering ass looking like a moron staring at something shiny. If you want to see blood and explosions, watch a movie. They make that shit bigger than real life, anyway.

Are you envious of the previous accident and want to receive the same attention by having your own? Because rubbernecking on the freeway is certainly a good way to try.

Seriously, what is wrong with you? Foggy conditions simply require you to be a little more careful, not to hit the brakes at the drop of a hat. That’s a good way to go about getting in an accident.

If you’re too fucking scared to drive in the fog, do us all a favor AND DON’T DRIVE.

Some of us come from places where they teach you some pretty basic things you can do to ease driving in fog. For example: don’t tailgate. Don’t have your highbeams on – if you have fog lamps, use them. If you’re uncomfortable maintaining the speed of traffic on the freeway, stay in the slowest lane possible so that people can pass you. Simple, right? SO SIMPLE YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO IT.

Every day I am amazed by the people on the road in Southern Cali… although amazed is probably not the correct adjective. I haven’t had coffee yet, so the brain isn’t coming up with too many alternatives. Stupefied could be a more appropriate word, though.

Yes.

You drive like a fucking idiot. I can’t even begin to describe how shitty your driving is.

Oh wait, yes I can. You cut people off, just to brake right in front of them. You change lanes without using signals and with no regard for the people behind you…or in front of you, really. You nearly side-swipe other vehicles when changing lanes or attempting to pass. What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you have a problem with depth perception?

For example, here’s a photo of you switching lanes, yet again without using your signal, and also slamming on your brakes. (Notice the tilt to the truck.)

Um, why the fuck are you braking so hard? You’re not that close to the bug in front of you, and the red car isn’t even in your lane. Traffic wasn’t even going that fast, as you  can sort of see by my speedometer (that’s right, cops who could potentially be looking at my speed! Someone else took this picture, and I was goin’ with the flow of traffic. No broken laws here.)

I think maybe you have a problem with depth perception, like Kevin Nealon in that old SNL skit, “Mr. No Depth Perception.”

Think about it.

And stay off the road while you do it.

Oooh shit, I’m totally late writing this entry. So sorry.

Anyway, yes, my dear, dear pacers. You fuckers know who you are: the annoying little shits on the freeway who have to go the same speed as the car in the next lane over. If you don’t know whether or not you do that, you should. You better start fucking paying attention before someone road rages on your stupid ass.

Pacing is totally fucking bullshit, you morons. If you’re going the same speed as the car next to you, then you shouldn’t be in a different lane. Lanes to the left are meant for passing, so get the fuck over. It doesn’t matter if you’re going the speed limit – flow of traffic is most important. If cars are coming up close behind you, rapidly, YOU ARE IN THE WAY. MOVE.

Take a look around you the next time you’re on a freeway, and make sure you’re not pacing the car next to you. If you are, that means you are either ignorant or purposely being shitty to anyone who wants to pass you. SO what if they willfully want to break the speed limit? It’s not your place to impede them. Maybe they just want to get where they need to go faster than you do. Let them get tickets or whatever, just GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.
Jesus.

Well then, hopefully I’ve made my point clear. Remember: If you think you’re in the way, you are. Get out of it.

That’s our motto, anyway.

In fact, Ludacris has a nice little song about that…

holy fucking shit, Southern California, your people cannot drive in the rain at all. And it wasn’t even hard rain! I was going to write a different post today, but given how my 1 hour, 15 minute commute turned into 3 hours this morning, I just had to get it off my chest.

FUCK YOU GUYS.

I don’t even feel like writing. I feel like breaking something. ARGH!

I realize, belatedly, that a number of these car models are going to be repeated (particularly BMW and Mercedes, I’m pretty sure,) so using them in the post titles might get confusing. Hindsight, what can I tell ya?

Anyway, that’s not the point. The point of today’s post is: YOU ARE A DUMB BITCH. Seriously. What is the point of cutting someone off to enter a lane and then tailgate so closely that you have to step on the brakes every five seconds? I’d ask, “Are you stupid?” but we all already know the answer to that one.

Fucking dumbass.

I almost hoped you’d rear-end that poor truck that had nowhere to go (I know this because I could see in front of his truck. There were cars in front of him. Why would you think he would accelerate just because you’re riding his ass?) just so I could be a witness. But seriously, who’d want to deal with that shit?

Bitch, I’m sure you’re going to get in an accident at some point with the way you drive. Just try not to do it in front of me.

I hate you. All of you. SO HARD.

Let me explain to you a few things; granted, you should have learned this in drivers’ education, but given eyewitness testimony, it is clear a refresher is in order. The other day on the radio I heard some show hosts talk about how they’ve abused carpool lane privileges when traffic is bad. HATE THEM. They add to the overall shittiness of traffic. I now don’t listen to that station anymore, because I am a judgy, vindictive bitch with a memory longer than an elephant’s. I WILL HATE FOREVER.

Back to the message at hand: what a carpool (or HOV) lane is for:
- cars with 2 or more occupants in the vehicle (in some areas, this number is 3), which is often dependent on traffic times. Be careful about that; I’ve actually made that mistake before, so I completely understand if you fuck up once.

What a carpool lane is not for:
- passing. There are double (usually triple) solid lines separating the carpool lane from the rest of the freeway. As a general rule, you do not cross solid lane lines, remember? Because I do. I remember.
- single occupancy cars. Do I even really need to explain this? Hybrids with the stickers, you are some lucky motherfuckers.
- escaping traffic. While you can theoretically switch into the lane if it saves you from rear-ending the car in front of you in traffic, it says more about your inability to pay attention to the road and the cars around you. If you enter the carpool lane as a result of a combination of the previous two listed ‘don’ts’ then you really shouldn’t be driving. For fuck’s sake, you cannot hop into the carpool if the fast lane is clogged unless you’re at a marked opening and you have the correct number of people in the car. This works in reverse, too. You can’t just ditch the carpool whenever you feel like it.
Here, I took some pictures while stopped in traffic:

See that? The broken line? That is the approved location for a carpool lane change – as in, this is where you can enter or leave the carpool lane.

Now, see that? Those are solid lines. SOLID. And there’s three of them! That means you don’t cross them at any time. Unless I dunno, maybe your car is on fire and you have to get over to the shoulder.
Did you know, in California, a carpool violation is typically at least $341? I once had a friend who was also speeding while violating carpool rules. Bastard. His ticket was over $500. That’s half a grand. I wonder, if all you carpool violators got tickets, would our state budget deficit be smaller? The answer is: possibly.

I passed by your white, snail-loving vehicle too quickly to catch the make of your car, other than that it is ugly. Besides, I was too busy driving and paying attention to the road and not being a hindrance to everyone around me. Anyway, I mean this with all due respect (which, I’m sure you realize, is not a lot), but YOU SHOULD NEVER DRIVE IN THE FAST LANE. Ever. You impede the flow of traffic, forcing cars to pass you on the wrong side. It’s not as if it was bumper-to-bumper traffic, oh no. Everyone was proceeding along at a fairly good pace until they all got stuck behind you, having to brake suddenly, and perform admittedly unsafe lane changes to get by. Are you clueless, unobservant, or spiteful? Any one of those three (or a combination thereof) is no good. This is a freeway. You should be aware of your surroundings, and your impact on traffic, at all times. I mean, do you even check your rearview mirror? Side view? Any mirror? Because if you did, you should certainly be able to see the cars rushing up behind you. And you should be getting the fuck out of the way. California is a ’slower traffic keep right’ kind of state. Do you know what that means? That’s right, SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT. That means you should not be in the fast lane if everyone is passing you on the right. People are supposed to pass you on the left. Thus, that means you should GET OVER.

Look, I’ll even provide state law excerpts for you:

CA Vehicle Code, section 21650a
Upon all highways, a vehicle shall be driven upon the right half of the roadway, except as follows: When overtaking and passing another vehicle proceeding in the same direction under the rules governing that movement.

CA Vehicle Code, section 21654 Slow-Moving Vehicles
(a) Notwithstanding the prima facie speed limits, any vehicle proceeding upon a highway at a speed less than the normal speed of traffic moving in the same direction at such time shall be driven in the right-hand lane for traffic or as close as practicable to the right-hand edge or curb, except when overtaking and passing another vehicle proceeding in the same direction or when preparing for a left turn at an intersection or into a private road or driveway.

(b) If a vehicle is being driven at a speed less than the normal speed of traffic moving in the same direction at such time, and is not being driven in the right-hand lane for traffic or as close as practicable to the right-hand edge or curb, it shall constitute prima facie evidence that the driver is operating the vehicle in violation of subdivision (a) of this section.
(c) The Department of Transportation, with respect to state highways, and local authorities, with respect to highways under their jurisdiction, may place and maintain upon highways official signs directing slow-moving traffic to use the right-hand traffic lane except when overtaking and passing another vehicle or preparing for a left turn.

Amended Ch. 545, Stats. 1974. Effective January 1, 1975

In some states you can be ticketed for obstructing traffic. That’s right. TICKETED. So please, stay to the right. It’s the law.

Anyone who hangs out with me knows I love to complain about my commute. What can I say, it is a very long, traffic filled commute.

I drive 35 miles each way from Long Beach to Beverly Hills. Now, in many parts of the country 35 miles is a very manageable distance. Unfortunately, my drive includes 20 miles of driving on The 405 Freeway (the most congested freeway in the United States), and 15 miles of stoplight and traffic filled surface streets. On average, this drive takes me around 1 hour, 15 minutes. I have made it as quick as 45 minutes…of course it has taken me as long as 3 hours.

I have made this drive almost 350 times. Ahhhh….good times.

Thanks to the magic of time lapse video, you can enjoy my commute in under 3 minutes. I filmed this on a Friday around 10am so the traffic was thankfully light.

How not to lose to the 405 freeway…

1. Resist all urges to gesture or punch anything/anyone–it/he or she will hurt you.
2. Listen to music, preferably happy and easy-going music like Jack Johnson or A Charlie Brown Christmas.  (Try to steer clear of any group with the words “metal,” “stank,” or “Poison” in their name.)
3. Consider all the others who are clogging the freeway as friends and comrades who share your pain.  Think “we’re all in this together…” and while you’re at it, sing it–with the High School Musical gang–squealy voices and all.
4. Remember what it feels like to be honked at/cut off/tailgated.  It sucks!  And it won’t make you feel better to do it to someone else… trust me.
5. Pray.  Whether it be about your upcoming day, your family, or even that you’ll make it to work on time… doesn’t hurt to try.
6. Don’t let yourself consider what it’s like living somewhere other than Southern California.  The weather and the beach and Disneyland are like the rock to the world’s scissors–dominant.
7. Look forward to what’s to come when you finally reach your exit!  
8. Look for license plate numbers that are similar to yours.  (It’s actually pretty fun)
9. Make up theories for the backgrounds of other cars (and drivers) came from.  
10.  Count how many Honda Civics you’ll see on the freeway.  So far I’ve seen as many as 38 on my drive to work.

According to reports, five people were found shot to death early Sunday morning in a makeshift homeless encampment near the 405 Freeway in Long Beach, California.

From the Los Angeles Times:

The crime upset neighbors and puzzled police, who had no suspects and struggled to comb the rugged terrain surrounding the crime scene near the freeway’s intersection with the 710 Freeway.

Residents in a nearby apartment complex on West Wardlow Road said they heard several gunshots and shouting early Sunday morning.

Another resident, Tippi Briggs, said that about the same time, she heard a woman scream and then a man shout “Get in the car! Get in the car! Let’s go!”

“In West Philadelphia, born and raised on the playground is…” Ok so this isn’t about the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. A wildfire burned through brush early this morning, shutting down the San Diego Freeway for several hours and forcing the nearby Getty Center to close for the day as a precaution.

Credit: Dan Steinberg, Associated Press

From the Associated Press:

The fire started at about 12:50 a.m. and burned at least 150 acres west of the San Diego Freeway, which was closed for several hours. The fire was two miles from the hilltop Getty Center and more than a mile from the nearest homes, Los Angeles fire spokesman Brian Humphrey said.

The blaze moved south toward the Getty Center and Mount St. Mary’s College, but both were “well-protected by a large number of firefighters,” Humphrey said.

The Getty Center, which houses one of the world’s richest art collections and a research institute, was closed Thursday as a precaution, and the college canceled morning classes due to the blaze.

All lanes of the San Diego Freeway were shut down in both directions for about four hours. The four-mile long stretch of the heavily traveled freeway reopened just before the morning rush.

Authorities warned that the freeway could be closed again at any time if the fire flares up, and several onramps in the area remained closed.

I know this isn’t the best way for my friends to find out I was in an accident, but it’s on my mind, so I must write about it.

Yesterday coming home an Explorer rear-ended my 5 month old Rav4. We were going about 30, there was a bit of traffic (like always in So Cal) and she was tailgating. I was so concerned about being 7 months pregnant and in an accident (not to mention the other nerves associated with being hit) that until David got there, I didn’t even realize my back window had been blown out. Got to love that aderaline.

But I have to give props, where props are due. A Freeway Service Patrol tow-truck had seen the whole thing and saw the glass fly so he pulled over with us. He asked if we needed medical attention and he called CHP for us. He was off-duty, too. Very nice guy. Didn’t get his name in the rush of everything but – THANK YOU, SIR!

I called my doctor after calling David. I told her that even though I believed I didn’t hit the steering wheel with my belly, she wanted me to go the hospital for 4 hours of observation. He had kicked once and my contractions had seemed to stop (I was having them before the accident), so we waited for the wonderous CHP to do their jobs in collecting our sides of the story. And then I looked at the damage to my car…

My back window blew out, my back cargo door is completely dented (so much that spare tire is now sitting crooked) and my bumper is completely jacked. 5 months old, did I mention that already?

So we went to the hospital where I was hooked up to monitors to measure my baby’s heart rate and my contractions. I even had an ultrasound to check for internal bleeding. My son, much to my utter delight, moved around and kicked me the entire 4 hours we were there. He made it a pain to get some readings on the monitor sometimes, but the nurse was not upset at all. So we were released with a clean bill of health. YAY!

Now today, is picking up the pieces. I’ve got to get a rental car (and because this is on their dime, I’m making sure I get a good one!) and I’ve got to find a reputable body shop to fix my car. I’ve got to talk to insurance companies and now it starts with them.

But the important thing is my baby is fine and I am fine…no MAJOR damage to our bodies. I’m a little sore, but that’s to be expected. We’ll see what the next 24 hours brings in way of pain for me…but my baby is fine. And that is the good news.

peace and love.

If you have been using your flashcards properly, then you should remember that Nate Dogg was arrested on June 23 after allegedly threatening to kill his wife and chasing her in his car on LA’s 405 Freeway.

Yesterday, the Los Angeles D.A.’s office filed a criminal complaint against the former rapper, charging him with: (1) three felony counts of making criminal threats and stalking; and (2) one misdemeanor count of driving on a suspended license.

While we await Nate Dogg’s inevitable jail time, enjoy this ‘N Sync classic, “Bye, Bye, Bye.”

Popsquire’s Prior Posts…

Vicious Nate Dogg

Nate Dogg’s Punch and Run

Neighborhood of the Day
I love what I do – helping my clients find their home investment.  Mulholland Drives seems to divide neighborhoods of  West Los Angeles, from the neighborhoods of San Fernando Valley and has a very special appeal from either side. You haven’t experienced the amazing views of LA basin & beyond until you have perched yourself at the top of Mulholland. Looking toward the South from East, the beautiful skyline of dowtown to the West, reaching out to the ocean and the curves of the coastline. And yet across the road overlooking the San Fernando Valley, facing North from the East, as far as you can see, your eyes can follow the magnificent mountain ranges, as they sweep around to the west offering some of the most beautiful sunsets imaginable. Getting close to the 405 freeway, it is a stop above Bel Air and Sherman Oaks that you want to be sure to visit.