I’m sinking in the deepest ocean,

beaten by waves and eaten by sharks.

From time to time I wash up on shore,

but the sand is too slippery to stand on

and I taste regret and fear whenever I lick my lips.

My head is full of a thousand “no’s”.

That resounding sound pierces my skin

and leaves me shivering in the sun

with a bitter taste in my mouth.

Like seeing an ex with some one new, as they look happy,

like last summer in St.Paul when I saw him with her.

I thought lightning never strikes twice, but it did, and I died.

I’m gradually falling out of touch with reality,

but I don’t want to sleep with the fishes just yet.

And why is it that the handsome Prince of my dreams,

can’t seem to find his horse?

Or that nobody notices that I walk around and talk

with my eyes open, but I am deeply asleep.

And yet I want to aim for the moon,

so I can sleep amongst the stars.

Or wake up somewhere over the rainbow.

But “Strid the Kid” rides alone, and she will die as she lives.

For now though, you will be my temporary soul mate,

because I would trade a hundred starry nights

for a thousand rainy days with you.

Then the French girls sing “La vie en rose”,

but they are in black and white, and the music falls flat,

as the moon stares down and whispers immortal secrets

that I’ll never be able to tell because I only talk silly talk,

as I continue to drown in the heavy waves

and be eaten by sharks.

The prettiest girl I’ve ever known is also the saddest, but she wasn’t always sad and she isn’t pretty anymore.  Sometimes on a certain kind of night, in the right place, when the alcohol is flowing and cigar smoke forms soft clouds above the bar, you just might hear her story. The moment has to be right. You’ll know when it happens, voices will become louder and hushed at the same time. A breeze will creep in from somewhere or nowhere, and the temperature will drop a couple of degrees which you might not even notice as you adjust your shirt collar or fold your arms across your chest. When this happens, pull your chair in closer and listen to the tale that won’t be told again until it is meant to be, until you need to hear it.

Yes, she was a pretty girl they say, but there have been many pretty girls in the history of the world. Despite her face, she was just an average girl, nothing special. She was just a pretty girl, until she became the girl. The treasured girl. The girl that shed the coveted tears.

She was always a happy child. And maybe that’s why no one noticed her tears until she was a young girl. Her mother discovered the girl’s gift the day she experienced true pain for the first time.  Her grandmother had just passed away. When her mother was telling her that her grandmother was gone and wouldn’t be coming back, the girl shed a single tear. Before it fell to the ground, the tear turned into a sparkling diamond. The mother was stunned. To be sure that this wasn’t just a miracle or a mirage, she told her daughter that the grandmother’s death was her fault. To the mother’s delight, diamonds trickled down her daughter’s face. “We’re rich!” she cried out loud.  At first, the mother told only the father, wanting to keep her daughter’s gift a secret. But soon the magical tears and the girl were the talk of the town. People came from all over to get a glimpse of this girl who cried diamonds.  They haggled and pleaded, and bargained and begged with the girl’s parents to let them see her, talk to her, make her cry.

Her parents were soon intoxicated by their sudden fortune and fame. The  girl quickly learned to cry on demand. But one day, she found that she couldn’t cry anymore. No matter what her parents said to her, she couldn’t manage to mine one diamond tear. “Please, darling” they begged her, “just a few tears. You can cry a few more tears can’t you?” But she couldn’t. No commanding or sweet talking could entice the tears out of her. They tried begging, and then resorted to name calling, insults, and threats. Nothing seemed to be working, and the townspeople were starting to become uninterested in the girl who couldn’t cry diamonds.

Her parents, afraid of losing all they had gained, then did what they had to do. “We’re sorry baby,” they said to her as they slapped her face and pulled her hair until a stream of diamonds danced down from her sad eyes, “this hurts us, more than it hurts you.” And so their prosperity continued.

As time passed, her family’s wealth, and her parent’s happiness grew. Every day they would tell her how they hated her, how they wished she had never been born, how no one could love a girl like her. “Thank you, sweetheart” they would say as they collected her precious tears one by one.  Her mother would apply creams around her daughter’s eyes which were collecting small red cuts at the corners from all of her painful, beautiful tears. “You are so special to us,” They’d say, and kiss her goodnight.All was right with the world.

But then gradually, as before, their tough love could no longer draw the diamonds from her tired eyes. They decided to resort to sharper methods.  Every day they would cut hearts into her skin with a knife. “It’s because we love you so much, honey” they would tell her, slice after slice, “We’re doing this for you, think about how much this will help us.” There was nothing for the girl to do but sit there and cry. Everyone loved her, the girl who could cry diamonds; she didn’t want to think about what would happen if she stopped. Who would love her then? So she cried until her family was the wealthiest and most famous family for miles and miles.

By the time the girl was a teenager, her tears were starting to take their toll on her pretty face. Even tear sized diamonds cut deep. Small angry cuts circumferenced her eyes. At first,the glint and sparkle from her diamond tears were all that people saw. But after a long time, after so many tears, it became too ugly to ignore. People came to collect her tears, but couldn’t stand to look at her disfigured face. Her parents tried using more creams and make-up, but her tears cut right through them. People stopped coming. They didn’t want to look this once special girl.

Her parents tried so hard to hold on to everything they had accumulated: the fame, the wealth, the status. They tried everything to make her cry. They held her down and ripped out her fingernails one by one. “Please, please, just a few more tears, that’s all we need” they begged her “just a couple of tears, is that too much to ask?” But it was no use; their daughter was numb to all the pain, to any kind of torture they came up with. It didn’t matter anyways, because no one wanted to come see the girl anymore. No one wanted to look at her face that was scarred with the truth. Her parents were distraught at their sudden change in status and fortune. No more tears, no more diamonds, no more friends. They blamed their daughter for letting them down. Now having no more use for her, they let her go. If only she loved us, like we love her, her parents thought. Then maybe she wouldn’t be so selfish.

Before she disappeared from the eyes of people, it was rumored that she was seen sitting on a bench in the park, watching the parents play with their children. She was crying. A stray ball rolled up to her bench, and when a child came over to retrieve it, she threw it back to him, smiling through her tears.  When the child asked her why she was crying, she grinned, “Because I’m happy.”

LDL (Bad) Cholesterol
When too much LDL (bad) cholesterol circulates in the blood, it can slowly build up in the inner walls of the arteries that feed the heart and brain. Together with other substances, it can form plaque, a thick, hard deposit that can narrow the arteries and make them less flexible. This condition is known as atherosclerosis. If a clot forms and blocks a narrowed artery, heart attack or stroke can result.

HDL (Good) Cholesterol
About one-fourth to one-third of blood cholesterol is carried by high-density lipoprotein (HDL). HDL cholesterol is known as “good” cholesterol, because high levels of HDL seem to protect against heart attack. Low levels of HDL (less than 40 mg/dL) also increase the risk of heart disease. Medical experts think that HDL tends to carry cholesterol away from the arteries and back to the liver, where it’s passed from the body. Some experts believe that HDL removes excess cholesterol from arterial plaque, slowing its buildup.

Lower you LDL and raise you HDL

1. Oatmeal, oat bran and high-fiber foods

Oatmeal contains soluble fiber, which reduces your low-density lipoprotein (LDL), the “bad,” cholesterol. Soluble fiber is also found in such foods as kidney beans, apples, pears, barley and prunes.

Soluble fiber can reduce the absorption of cholesterol into your bloodstream. Five to 10 grams or more of soluble fiber a day decreases your total and LDL cholesterol. Eating 1 1/2 cups of cooked oatmeal provides 6 grams of fiber. If you add fruit, such as bananas, you’ll add about 4 more grams of fiber. To mix it up a little, try steel-cut oatmeal or cold cereal made with oatmeal or oat bran.

2. Fish and omega-3 fatty acids

Eating fatty fish can be heart healthy because of its high levels of omega-3 fatty acids, which can reduce your blood pressure and risk of developing blood clots. In people who have already had heart attacks, fish oil — or omega-3 fatty acids — reduces the risk of sudden death.

The American Heart Association recommends eating at least two servings of fish a week. The highest levels of omega-3 fatty acids are in:

• Mackerel
• Lake trout
• Herring
• Sardines
• Albacore tuna
• Salmon
• Halibut

You should bake or grill the fish to avoid adding unhealthy fats. If you don’t like fish, you can also get small amounts of omega-3 fatty acids from foods like ground flaxseed or canola oil.

You can take an omega-3 or fish oil supplement to get some of the benefits, but you won’t get other nutrients in fish, such as selenium. If you decide to take a supplement, just remember to watch your diet and eat lean meat or vegetables in place of fish.

3. Walnuts, almonds and other nuts

Walnuts, almonds and other nuts can reduce blood cholesterol. Rich in polyunsaturated fatty acids, walnuts also help keep blood vessels healthy.

Eating about a handful (1.5 ounces, or 42.5 grams) a day of most nuts, such as almonds, hazelnuts, peanuts, pecans, some pine nuts, pistachio nuts and walnuts, may reduce your risk of heart disease. Just make sure the nuts you eat aren’t salted or coated with sugar.

All nuts are high in calories, so a handful will do. To avoid eating too many nuts and gaining weight, replace foods high in saturated fat with nuts. For example, instead of using cheese, meat or croutons in your salad, add a handful of walnuts or almonds.

4. Olive oil

Olive oil contains a potent mix of antioxidants that can lower your “bad” (LDL) cholesterol but leave your “good” (HDL) cholesterol untouched.

Try using about 2 tablespoons (23 grams) of olive oil a day in place of other fats in your diet to get its heart-healthy benefits. To add olive oil to your diet, you can saute vegetables in it, add it to a marinade or mix it with vinegar as a salad dressing. You can also use olive oil as a substitute for butter when basting meat or as a dip for bread. Olive oil is high in calories, so don’t eat more than the recommended amount.

The cholesterol-lowering effects of olive oil are even greater if you choose extra-virgin olive oil, meaning the oil is less processed and contains more heart-healthy antioxidants. But keep in mind that “light” olive oils are usually more processed than extra-virgin or virgin olive oils and are lighter in color, not fat or calories.

5. Foods with added plant sterols or stanols

Foods are now available e that have been fortified with sterols or stanols — substances found in plants that help block the absorption of cholesterol.

Orange juice and yogurt drinks with added plant sterols can help reduce LDL cholesterol by more than 10 percent. The amount of daily plant sterols needed for results is at least 2 grams — which equals about two 8-ounce (237-milliliter) servings of plant sterol-fortified orange juice a day.

Plant sterols or stanols in fortified foods don’t appear to affect levels of triglycerides or of high-density lipoprotein (HDL), the “good” cholesterol.

Resource: http://www.heart.org, http://www.mayoclinic.com

AdvoCare Products that I take to help lower my LDL and raise my HDL:

OmegaPlex -Omega 3 fatty acids (AdvoCare on Dr. Oz 

Fiber Drink- Citrus, Peaches and Cream -10 grams of fiber per serving (6 grams of soluble fiber, 4 grams of insoluble)

Fibo-Trim - Helps the body eliminate fatty waste materials*.  Helps maintain healthy cholesterol levels already within the normal range*

Avocado-Corn Salsa

in between inspiration and relaxation….

“What, damage control?”

“If you want to look at it that way, yes.”

“Well, my ex did a lot of hurting, but I’ve advanced in my recovery. I know that I did everything right in my marriage and that he fell out of love for me. The reasons why will always be a question for me. It’s all a work in progress but I will get to where I should be one day. That I know for sure.”

This guy and I kept exchanging emails until the universe intervened and let me know it was time for us to part ways again.

It was a natural thing. I stopped writing because I had nothing else to say and he had been more than a good doctor, he had been a good friend as well, the one I always wished for.

It was time for me to move on and start practicing the medicine he applied to me.

And just like that, one day while walking to work and about to cross the street, I see a small convertible car being driven by a guy coming my way.

I let it pass and looked at it while crossing. It was beyond a surreal moment. It was living that moment when I was a teenager all over again.

All those memories came back on a flash. At first I felt sad, but later I felt good. I finally came to terms to that time of my life like I have with so many other moments.

What we shared was meant for that time and only then. Now we’re living different lives and he returned to my life to help me give closure.

Like I said before, one day my life will shift gears and find the man I deserve to have. In the meantime, there will be many roads to cross and walk, but, you know what?

I’m going to be just fine.

Our sweet sister Angela is writing for us today. I have to say that I have an amazing support system that never fails to pick me up when I need help and support. I am in love with these W3 ladies and so thankful  for all of Gods blessing. Thank you sister. May your day be filled with sweet surprises.

Blessings!!

I try to notice them and be thankful for them. I am quite sure I miss some along the way, but I try hard not to. It’s a matter of mindset, I believe.

When I am stuck in traffic, I literally thank God for slowing me down. I pray that whatever I am about to be late for– that he will pave the way for my late arrival. It’s hard sometimes when you are frustrated to remember to thank God for your frustrations!

But, we should.

There’s a plan.

There’s a reason.

That obstacle is there for a reason. Appreciate it.

Proverbs 29:11 says “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”

Don’t’ be angry when things don’t go as planned.

There’s a reason.

Be thankful for the obstacle.

I recently wanted to change career paths. I had put my resume’ out and as I started talking to different companies I found a company I really wanted to join. The job was exactly what I had hoped for, the company was strong and in an industry that would give me the challenge I needed. I thought it would be a perfect fit for me.

The offer never came through.

I had prayed really hard for this. I had even employed those closest to me to pray for me too. Didn’t GOD know how badly I wanted the change? I even tried to convince him of all the reasons it would make me a better person.

Isn’t that funny?

Me… trying to convince him of what is best for my future?

I decided to be thankful. It didn’t come easily but I knew I must at least try.

It worked.

A better offer came along from a terrific company. The position is an even better fit for me than I had imagined. It’s in an industry I would have never have thought to pursue.

He knew.

Let Go and Let God……

I really try to focus on this when frustrations start to set in. He knows what is best for our lives. But we have to stop, pray and listen. It sounds so simple. We know we should do it….yet when adversity strikes, is it our first response? Not always mine as much as I would like to think it would be. I know it should be, yet I sometimes let the devil get me all stirred up before I remember….Let Go, Let God.

Strangely enough, 3 ½ months later, I read a news article shortly after elections. The company I thought was such a strong, solid company with the perfect position for me…..announced nationwide lay offs. What do you think I did when I read that article? I immediately smiled. Then I thanked GOD for my amazing job and for always guiding my path. I thanked him for that road block. Thankful he knows what is best for me.

And maybe the heart has no closures.  It only beats.  Our children are still not accountable, and I wish not to confuse them.  I don’t know if I should ever mention his music.  They have it.  In his times with them.  I see other men with the same hopes the same fears what comes out in their loneliness.  And maybe one can make me a servant to the love I know I have to give what I gave him once but somehow time rejected it into another story some other ending I can’t say I haven’t read…  And where does it come from?  The trust?  From me or him?  All I know in the reasons I feel is that something must be right must get right for me to remember any day and remember it with a peace and a smile I don’t manufacture for someone else… It’s near the time when our boy will be seven—Benjy will be seven, and Dulcinea to follow and most of the time when I think upon them I think upon him in a rather misdirected way as in a face a smile and what I’m sorry about is I can’t trade places with him.  In what fell apart.  I know his place but I don’t know his time and this how I know the poor have but vices they can afford for their time and money and if given the chance how would they spend their time and money and is this so much better than the tenements in which they live with the liquor store nearby and the ground for cigarettes and closed doors the blinds down for other private adventures in which to drag this our holy spirit the only temple into such places, and I trying to judge that time in a place I wish not to take myself.  How my god is in you and my god is in me and how it all must be well in love even in places where love is not there because by not being there it is somewhere ready to refurbish the memory and forgive you—make you ready to forgive me…  Yes I do remember.  For the good times.  David is a man I love because I wanted to.  This my own free will what he has what we all have when we try to remember a day another remembers and our place the same in it.  And it doesn’t matter if it’s cold.  If it’s broken.  It is praise just the same.  And that (I have found) is everyone’s church.  And so I go to church now.  I take our children to church.  Because someone has to teach them the word of Jesus and not what’s just found in his music.  Because they’re not old enough yet.  They’re not old enough to learn anything beyond the roles they play in that tree house.  Here in our home in Texas.  And David isn’t always in Texas though his music finds itself here.  Maybe it will linger in the tree house where our children now play and what will happen… His father just died.  His brother.  And he says he’s going back to New Orleans.  That’s what he says, but I don’t know what he’ll do.  All I know is what I remember and I remember New Orleans.  God knows what he’ll do there again…

But that isn’t what he did.  David didn’t go to New Orleans.  He stayed in East St. Louis with his mother.  He stayed ten months.  Most of the year 1955.  He didn’t write those songs we remember from his third album in New Orleans.  He just recorded them there.  After… after what Bethany said about him what he didn’t know she was or was not saying for this is what makes our place different, but not our time…

Who’d a thunk that saying yes to AdvoCare would get me in the best shape I have ever been and improving my health every day. I feel like the luckiest person in the world but the truth is anyone can have this.

We are the best of the best in nutrition which is why we are the only nutrition company approved by the Olympics, professional & collegiate athletes because we are certified contaminate and banned substance free.

To be straight up, it’s even kind of scary to put all of this out there. Sort of the thought of jinxing it.. ugh! I can have the mindset of ‘who am I to share anything since I just started on this, and haven’t made it to the end?’ But.. I’m going to look at it in the sense of supporting one another. If we were sitting across from each other, we could just talk through this, as in the recovery group. I’m very new to all of it, ..not the weight issue, but the openness about it. Talking within the recovery group, having a support system and connecting. Frankly, I need all the support and help I can get. Yes, a daily surrender to God, but the fact is, He uses people for His purposes.

The truth that sets us free, is the truth within us. The Lord has blessed me with little tidbits lately from others, and reflections from the past. I thought I’d share a few of those especially while they are fresh in my mind.

A sister called me yesterday to share a word in due season. She said to look up the verses on healing and claim them.. which I intend to do. Since there is a connection between our hands and brains, I like to write out verses when I read the Bible. Specific for the time. At this moment I cannot hand write much because it’s winter, and my fingers dry up, and split at the tips. It’s painful. I’ve used lots of lotions and Neosporin, go through the band-aids, and wait. I may be typing some of those verses today because I know God’s word is in fact the sword of the Spirit, and I need His Word to be saturated within me. I’m reading ‘Made to Crave’ by Lysa Terkeurst, and she has lots of scripture in that also, I just haven’t been able to write them out, but I will!

Some years ago I had been exercising faithfully. Yep, to those who have no idea, I actually exercise. In fact, I have for years. I had been exercising at that time to a DVD. Then I fell and pulled a hamstring. When people say ‘I was black, blue and purple’.. let me tell you, it was a massive amount of dark colors on the entire upper half of the back of my leg. Very painful, and I couldn’t do much for a few weeks. Depressing.

I was about to give up..yet again. Anyone going through this is also aware of the onslaught of yo-yo, ..going great for a time, and it doesn’t take much to get off track. Just throw in the stinking towel. ‘Falling off the wagon’ is a normal way to put it. Janet Jackson was on Oprah one day, had gained lots of weight for a movie, and then lost it all right away. When asked ‘how?’, she said… “The body remembers.” It was a God moment for me, because it gave me hope again. I started to try to exercise again, slowly because of that hope.

It’s very easy when I have the more painful days of aches, no energy and to choose not to exercise. To feel it is hopeless, and give it up for crying out loud. But the Lord reminds me.. ‘The body remembers’, so these days, I’m trying to get back into the swing of exercising more faithfully.

Another friend gives me support with the reminders that any exercise is better than no exercise. If today I can only do a mile, then I’m hanging on to that as a victory! Although there are times when I can feel the pressure, there are ‘more’ times when I feel the support, as we have been accountability partners when it comes to exercise.

When a person has an addiction, quits for a time, however long, the minute they come back to it, it takes a brief amount of time to get right back to where you left off. It must be that way with the body, ..since it remembers. I’m hoping it will remember these days and retain that memory!

Lysa Terkeurst says the more she ate vegetables, the more she started to desire them. I’m hanging onto that thought. It is one day at a time and I am hanging on to victories instead of looking at defeats. I’m not trying to go full blast into HUGE changes, I’m taking it one measure at a time. I have not made it a law within myself to never do this or that, but I know, for this moment what I really cannot do. An alcoholic cannot have the first sip, and for me right now, I really don’t want to have sweets. Not a law, but a change. I can’t eat just one without the insanity of more cravings, so I don’t want to go there.

Another beautiful sister says we are new creations in Christ, the old is passed away. To say I ‘am’ an addict is a ‘past’, and to say I ‘was’ is the ‘new’. Although it’s my understanding ..once an addict, always an addict, and to be a “recovering” addict, means it is a constant recovery, meaning we can slip back into it. I want to hang onto the ‘new creation’. Although I’m not quite ready to replace the ‘was’ just yet. It’s refreshing to see that I ‘was’ a smoker, so I have hope.

Just one more thought, …I’m not alone in this. We all have issues in one way or another, some of them are just more out in the open.

Proverbs 9:6 (NIV) Leave your simple ways and you will live; walk in the way of understanding.

Gracious Heavenly Father, thank You. You lead us in the way we should go. You have a good plan for us, plans of good and not of evil. I trust You, as I leave the ways I have known, and walk in a way of understanding. Not at all in my own strength, but in Yours. In Your Name I pray, Amen

*September 28th of 2012, I finished pastry school and received my Associates degree from Le Cordon Bleu.  Awesome! Chapter closed now moving along.

*In November I locked Silver leadership level in my AdvoCare business and gave myself a $12,000 raise!  Building my team of difference makers and equipping them with the tools to do the same and help them change lives of others by paying it forward.

*In December I started Ruby Boot Camp (business boot camp) and learning so much to recognize and improve my abilities to better help others and becoming an evolved leader.

* January is here!  We all survived the end of the world… hardy har har!  Yeah I know lame :0/

Oh yeah, my journey from fat to fit is coming right along!  Down a total of 156 lbs and counting.  I feel amazing!  The weight that I have lost has improved my quality of life immensely!  Looking forward to the months ahead as I am only 80 lbs away from my goal weight.

Right now I am participating in an AdvoCare $40,000 Transformation Contest.  It’s a 72 day challenge and is aligned with our Can You 24 workout series DVD.

I am having a blast meeting new people and being a part of a company that is all about helping people.

Until next time…

Nathan

Some folks can have just one beer, one drink, one cigarette, one drug… one chip.  The problem is, for the rest of us with addictive issues, we cannot have just one.

I can’t go to meetings often. But the Lord is gracious to place just a few loving brothers and sisters in my path who can accept me just as I am, be straight up about their own walk, their own struggles and issues. I’ve been blessed by some of their words these days, and am holding on to those words.

One word is ‘victory’.  I’m doing my best to look at the victories and not staying focused on the defeats.  I like that much better.  Years ago, I struggled with sharing my testimony, my life story with Christ Jesus as my Lord.  Don’t get me wrong in this, I LOVE talking about things of God and what He has done in my own life.  The struggle was that I had so many things from my past.  A blessed sister said to focus on the great blessings God has done, all the rejoicing, and not on the details of the bad-past stuff.  The idea is desiring to show His victories.

I feel it’s kind of the same with the addiction.  I’m trying not to beat myself up mentally over one bad moment, or even a bad day.  More than ever, I’m seeing the looks of surprise when it’s realized I have an addiction.  The quiet inhale, eyes wide open, and …’wow’, really?

For those that don’t know, I smoked for over 22 years.  I don’t mean a few cigarettes here and there.  I mean, on a good day, a calm day.. for normal folks, was still 2 packs a day for me.  On a really serious bad day, it could mean up to 4 packs.  Those that know me today cannot see that picture at all… because I am a new creation in Christ, all praise to God.

I haven’t smoked since 1995, which I consider a great miracle from the Lord!  Although I had quit, my husband did not quit smoking.  It was VERY hard to learn to do life with no cigarettes in my hand.  I had smoked since I was 10 years old, and by the time I was 14, my parents bought my cigarettes.  I had quit for a couple of years, and then it takes only one to get started again… clearly an addiction.

Life went on, and some bad days came about.  My husband could smoke, and I could not.  I cried.  I got mad.  As I read in these books, they have also cried and got mad, so I’m in good company with addiction issues.  So this week I was reminded of that battle all the years ago, when my husband brought home a pail of ice cream.

A victory is #1 ..I didn’t get mad, maybe a little irritated.  But the truth is, I can’t be mad because he doesn’t get it.  #2 A victory is, ..I didn’t cry.    #3 ..through that, the Lord reminded me of quitting smoking.  In that moment, I realized the victory.  Not a small victory at that time.  I had quit smoking ‘even though’ my husband didn’t.  It gives me hope for this new victory.

Many years ago I was dating a guy who gave me ‘speed’.  It was not a ‘relationship’ in the sense of boyfriend-girlfriend, but a companionship of sorts.  I was ready for it to end, and as I got ready for work one morning, I realized that I had only a half of bottle or so of ‘black beauties’.  I knew that if I ended it with him that would also end it with the speed.  I panicked for a minute about the thought of not having the drug.  Only the Lord knows that in that split-second in time, He made it clear my inner panic about this meant I was addicted.  I knew it and so did He… and I flushed all of the drug in the toilet.  A victory.

I was scared to do life without cigarettes, and scared to go to work without speed, but thanks be to God… who gives the victories in our lives, He makes me able.  I trust the fact that God is not finished with me yet.  He completes me.  He knows what I need and when.

With 8 kids in our family, I am the 3rd oldest and the oldest daughter.  I always baby-sat my siblings, began to have kids when I was 16, and have now baby-sat my grandkids for the last 14 years.  The Lord has rearranged things at this time, and I’m not babysitting daily.  It’s like, ..for the first time in my whole life I don’t have lots of outside distractions to keep me from dealing with my own inner struggles.  A time to heal.  Just one day at a time.

During the early days, the days when Jude and Art were peanut butter and golden syrup. The days when he would text her first thing, the days where her heart pounded each morning in anticipation of those words on her tiny screen. “What’s up?” That was all she lived for, because after those words came a plan of their day. Yes they were supposed to be going to class but out of the eight hours a day that they were supposed to attend they were lucky if they made it to four lectures a week. It didn’t help that he was studying economics and she was a law major. Separation was agony to her. After his text her reply was always, “Not much, u?” She wanted to keep it short, she wanted to mould into him which was impossible because he was absolutely fucking nuts. Their crazy days would always start with a bottle of Vodka on the WITS lawns. They’d been drinking Smirnoff or Stolychniya on a daily basis.

She remembered one of those days with particular clarity. They had met up and started the day off with some vodka and sprite. Thereafter he had to go to work. His dad owned a paintball park where he worked on occasion, but was always available to party with her at the same time. She thought that she might attend a lecture and met up with her friend Tina. As Tina and her walked into the decrepit lift at the university to the third floor Jude thought that it would be funny, nay hilarious, to astonish her fellow travellers. So she turned to face the corner and took out her fluffy pink pencil bag, she whispered to it, “it’s okay baby, no one’s watching!” The only thing was that everyone was watching, Tina was pissing herself in the other corner, turning a beet red colour. When they finally got to class they had calmed down somewhat but halfway through the lecturer’s droning Tina whispered, “Fuck this shit!!” They both got up and left the class midway, with complete and utter disregard for the three hundred other students. The lecturers were already used to their antics and the only reason that they never did anything about it was that the girls genuinely did their work. Tina and Jude settled on the lawns and started drinking. Soon after they were joined by their whole crew, all misfits, all very cool. Someone (actually it was Jude) went to the supermarket and bought a portable cd player. How they got away with it in broad daylight astounded everyone, especially the other students.

Jude felt her phone vibrate in her pocket, wow she had not though of Art for a couple of hours. “Party tonight.” She received a second text informing her of the address. Jude was drunk and she screamed the address at the twenty something people say in her group. It was only 2pm and they had plenty of time. But she knew if she was partying in the West of Joburg she would need to sober up for the drive home to the North. The cops were relentless and she didn’t want to waste money on bribes. So she took a puff of whatever it was that was being passed around and sank into the perfectly tended grass to contemplate nothing at all. Life was bliss. She was wondering what new shenanegins that night would bring.