So, in all today was a good(ish) day. I woke up semi-early, as James decided to call. I couldn’t go back to sleep because my brother was playing his shitty music intensely loud throughout the house, and at 3pm I met up with Josh and Manny and Colleen and we hung out at Peter Pipers Pizza. good stuff.

Of course, in between the shitty music and my brother dropping me off at PPP, he and his friend Carlos decided it might be fun to go mudding in the lot next to ours. mudding. yes, they did it. I was held as the cameraman and they got some good video. I have shitty cell phone video, but alas, if i need to implicate them in something, I’ve got it.

So after PPP’s, Josh and Colleen had to take off to his uncle’s in Monte Alto to go to a fish fry. So, it being about 5p, we decided we’d hang out a little longer and went to the skating rink. I suck at roller blading. Of course, we stayed there for a long ass time and Manny and Noe still wanted to hang out. I didn’t so much anymore, but they made me. Which later developed into my parents being utterly angry with me. Not fun. But skating was fun. I fell a total of 4 times. Which is decidedly less than when I went ice skating, but then again, when I went ice skating I was holding on to the wall and I still sucked.

I’m just not good with finding my center of gravity.

Either way, after that, we headed to Manny’s house. Still didn’t get dropped off, and headed towards the outlets. Got some Whataburger, because, c’mon, that is GOOD. and eventually, after about 2 more calls from my mom, Noe and I headed back to drop me off. He decided to ignore his GPS’s directions the first time, and that’s where everything pretty much went south.

We got stuck about a mile from my house. 2 miles. whatever, it was pretty close. But fuck, that road has potholes like you would NOT believe. My mom kept texting me angrily, and when I called to see if they could come in the truck to pull us (finally, as we tried to get out by ourselves for a while) she yelled at me, threw the phone at my dad, he didn’t say anything… but he did hang up. SO, we were fucked. So, I called Abraham and he was at BK, but he said he’d come when he was done. Which was more than I could hope for anything, so yeah. We scraped around, sunk our feet into mud and Noe got really down and dirty. It was pretty bad. Finally, my mom called me that she was on her way and that there were at least 3 more pot holes from the one we got stuck in. Either way, we were going to be fucked.  She was yelling at me, told me to walk to the Jimmy and I did. But Noe didn’t want to leave, so I told him to call his dad. I called him after I reached the Jimmy, but he still insisted on staying and for me to leave (as the ‘rents were being atrocious) So I’m home.

Abraham just text me saying that he did go to our stuck site. Then kept texting me that he was helping Noe and that it was really stuck in there. Then he said that as he was leaving Noe’s sister was showing up. So as of 12:10a (we got stuck at 10p) Noe is still stuck over there on mile 1 1/2. FUCK THAT ROAD.

But, because I basically abandoned Noe there, in the mud… I gave him an avocado tree on FarmVille. It doesn’t help, but at least it adds to his tree collection. =]

and P.S. FUCK THAT ROAD.

and also P.P.S. I pretty much really really want to move out right now. I mean, wtf, my dad hung up on me when I actually needed his help with something. What the fuck!

La confiance n’est possible que dans la mesure où la trahison est elle-même possible. Plus grands sont l’amour et la loyauté, l’engagement et l’obligation, plus est complète la trahison. (…) De même que l’abandon enferme le germe de la trahison, la trahison enferme le germe du pardon. (…) Ni la confiance ni le pardon ne pourraient se réaliser pleinement sans la trahison.

James Hillman

C’est peut-être lorsque l’on accepte de totalement s’abandonner dans les bras de la vie que l’on se sent le moins abandonné par elle.

En tant qu’être humains nous avons sans cesse le réflexe de croire que tout dépend de notre propre capacité de contrôle.

Des milliards d’actions se produisent à chaque seconde à l’intérieur de notre propre corps comme sur l’ensemble de la planète et dans le système solaire, phénomènes sans lesquels nous ne pourrions ni vivre, ni même prendre conscience de quoi que ce soit.

D’une certaine façon, ce que l’on pourrait appeler la grande Mère universelle ne cesse de s’occuper de nous à chaque instant.

Et pourtant, nous ne voyons ni ne percevons la présence subtile de ses bras, tout occupé que nous le sommes à nos propres affaires. Il n’y a peut-être parfois que dans le véritable abandon, quand nous avons lâché prise de toute forme de contrôle, que nous reconnaissons la tendre plénitude de la vie qui nous habite et nous entoure. La majeure partie du temps, nous n’en avons même pas conscience, ce relâchement de toute tension ne se produisant que dans le sommeil profond.

Le processus de dessin est un peu comme ce lâcher prise au creux du nid de la vie, à la fois toute présence et conscience, et en même temps abandon total du nouveau-né dans les bras de sa mère.

Origine de l’image >>

Aider
Te permet l’abandon.
Si cela est ton choix d’apprendre à aimer plus
Alors, tu verras tous les signes qui t’ont amené
vers l’exercice de la thérapie.
Tu accueilles,
Tu donnes,
Tu reçois.
Si tu conçois ton approche
Dans l’esprit de la prière
du Lemniscate,
Alors tu sauras ce que tu reçois
En toute simplicité.
Et dans le Coeur de l’Esprit
L’argent dont tu parles
est une épine dans ton talon,
Une entrave
à la communion de guérison,
Si son feu attise ton âme.
Sois,
sans désir de cumul
Et sans attente aucune
Abandonnes l’esprit de gain
alors tu marcheras
Nu,
vers le chemin de l’abondance
Nu de la matière,
Riche de mon Coeur.

Ainsi est le Nous.

Sylvie Aline

Sébastien Josse et Jean-François Cuzon ont dû abandonnés la transat Jacques Vabre à cause de dégâts assez importants par une mer agitée ce vendredi 13 novembre. Une journée maudite pour eux.

En effet, les conditions difficiles de navigation dû à une mer forte, a provoqué des dommages qui ont mis la vie des deux navigateurs en danger car le bateau commençait à être peu à peu englouti par la mer.

Ne cédant pas à la panique, Sébastien Josse et Jean-François Cuzon ont alertés les secours qui ne sont arrivés assez rapidement. Ce sera un hélicoptère portugais qui réussira à les sauver car l’état de la mer renait impossible toute aide par voie maritime. Ils ont été rapatriés à Terceira où ils ont été menés pour leur apporter les premiers soins.

Sources:

–) NEWSWEB. Josse: “L’histoire se répète”. Accessible sur internet: http://sports.nouvelobs.com/cmc/voile/200946/josse-l-histoire-se-repete_254563.html (Consulté le 20/11/09)

–) LE MONDE.FR. Transat Jacques-Vabre. Accessible sur internet: http://www.lemonde.fr/sport/article/2009/11/13/transat-jacques-vabre-josse-et-cuzon-secourus-par-helicoptere_1266967_3242.html (Consulté le 20/11/09)

Créateur: Gido0907

Apparently I have enough time to update my post tag list, nothing new in the land of N yet, trying to figure out how I’m going to interlink all of my story’s into movuies and stuff.

Finally, something recent. These were taken this past weekend after I had joined my sister in checking out some houses she and her husband put a bid on. This one wasn’t the winner, but it was in my book for still having the past owners belongings here and there. And of course the windows, and how the light stretched across the walls. I loved it.

Get ahead of the  fashion pack this season and recreate Peaches edgy look!

Recreate Peaches Sexy Grunge look with the help of Abandon by USC – Grunge is huge this season and is set to carry on well into Spring Summer—so grab this dress before it sells out! This Ditsy carnation print dress is a bargain at £22 and mixed up with these rock-chick biker boots – will evoke wild nights of abandon. The concept is to take the wearer from day to night in strong, statement pieces. Easily wearable, yet every bit high-fashion, the Fleur dress is certain to update any fashionista’s wardrobe this season and carry her through to Spring/Summer.

Shop the grunge deluxe look now online

 Qu’ont en commun ces émotions : peur du changement, manque de confiance en soi, peur de l’engagement, peur de ne pas être à la hauteur, Hostilité exagérée dans des conflits de personnalités, abandon suite à des troubles anxieux?
 
 Ce sont toutes des causes directes et répertoriées d’abandons de poste, de pertes d’emploi ou d’opportunités professionnelles gâchées. Les compétences techniques ne sont pas en cause. La peur et son cortège d’émotions néfastes le sont. Et dans bien des cas, brûlant les ponts derrières soi, on n’a pas su gérer ces situations délicates de ruptures…
 
 Les organisations réalisent peu à peu qu’elles dépendent plus des aptitudes humaines des individus que de leurs compétences techniques, les unes étant tout simplement moins enseignées que les autres. Mais qui est responsable de ce développement?
 
 Avez-vous appris l’intelligence des émotions à l’école? Avez-vous appris à apprivoiser la peur? À canaliser la colère, à communiquer humainement, à conduire des Personnes en même temps que des « targets »? Bien sûr que non…
 
 C’est peut-être déplorable, mais sauf exceptions, les relations de travail supposent aujourd’hui que les individus ont acquis on ne sait où la confiance en soi, le leadership, la communication, la convivialité, etc.…
 
 Heureusement, il existe aujourd’hui des formations efficaces, parfois sous forme de « coaching », pour développer ces aptitudes humaines si indispensables à toutes les personnes et pas seulement aux gestionnaires de calibre.
 
 Ces ateliers visent généralement une meilleure connaissance de soi et favorisent l’éveil du potentiel humain, la maîtrise du pouvoir émotionnel et le développement des forces requises pour faire face aux constants changements de notre époque.
 
 S’il est reconnu que tout miser sur la carrière risque de nuire au bonheur de l’individu, en revanche, investir dans son propre développement humain devient de plus en plus un facteur de succès professionnel et de bonheur au travail.
 
 Pour en savoir plus sur le développement des aptitudes humaines indispensables.

La desindustrialisation de notre vieille Europe a laissé des traces dans le paysage urbain. Même si l’essentiel des grands complexes sidérurgiques furent démantelés, quelques vestiges témoignent encore de ce passé.

Véritable cathédrale de métal, les haut-fourneaux se dressent encore fièrement ça et là. Pénétrer à l’intérieur de ces labyrinthes de tuyaux et de couloirs sombres constitue une expérience étrange. Chaque pas porte un peu plus loin l’envie d’imaginer ce que la “vie” pouvait être à l’intérieur de cet enfer et pourquoi tout à coup, tout s’est arrêté.

A Clabecq, le site est en cours de démontage, la ville semble désormais endormie…

Vue aérienne

]]> http://fenilandbollywood.wordpress.com/2009/11/16/aditi-gowitrikar-behaved-unprofessionally/ Mon, 16 Nov 2009 08:21:41 +0000 fenilseta http://fenilandbollywood.wordpress.com/2009/11/16/aditi-gowitrikar-behaved-unprofessionally/ http://prestonutley.wordpress.com/2009/11/15/gilman-colorado/ Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:13:54 +0000 prestonutley http://prestonutley.wordpress.com/2009/11/15/gilman-colorado/

Gilman
This is a project I have been working on since May of this year and will continue working in until it is finished. Ever since I moved to the mountains I have wanted to photograph in this once bustling town filled with general stores, a doctors office, even a bowling alley. The town was suddenly shut down from years of digging, blasting and mining into the mountain. Zinc and lead contaminated the near by Eagle River. If you ever travel around the west much you know there are towns like Gilman spread all over the American landscape. People settling to take advantage of the nearby resources and just as soon as they arrive they leave. They leave nothing but a few relics of a forgotten time.

I photograph at Gilman for peace, for tranquility. It is a place where I can be alone with just my thoughts. Paranoia creeps in as I hear the new residences of the properties I photograph scurry across the floor. The wind blows doors open and shut. I take a deep breath. I find light, I find color, I find composition, most of all I find solitude.

M-am trezit, dar a durat mai mult pana sa ma dezmeticesc.

Despre asta vorbeam nu?

Pacienta intarzie la sedinta, lucru care de obicei nu i se intampla, iar acest lucru o inveseleste si il numeste “distractie hoteasca”. Tendintele ei agresive se manifesta pentru prima data, intr-o maniera aparent nevinovata, pentru ca pe ea insasi o enerveaza oamenii care nu sunt punctuali. Are in sfarsit curajul sa-si manifeste agresiunea impotriva analistului, substitut al tatalui. Cred ca a fost vorba si de sadism din partea analistului, pentru ca i-a retezat acest avant, vorbindu-i despre “consecintele acestei distractii”, pe care a avertizat-o ca nu le cunoaste. Amenintare, narcisism lezat, sau mi se pare mie?

In weekend prietenul ei o facuse sa astepte, de trei ori chiar, deci acum devenise din pasiva, activa, cand s-a hotarat sa ii faca ea asta analistului. Descopera ca si ea poate sa faca rau, nu doar sa fuga inainte ca ceilalti sa ii faca rau. Pacat ca ii este taiat elanul, mi s-ar fi parut mai ok ca analistul sa o lase o perioada sa isi exploreze aceasta latura.

Amana plata sedintelor, si isi aminteste ca si in ultima discutie cu prietenul tot despre asta era vorba, despre “a da si a lua”, doar ca era vorba despre afectiune si nu de lucruri materiale. Dar plata in bani este una simbolica, pacienta are rezerve in a-i acorda analistului dragostea sa.

De fapt, problema pacientei este frica de abandon. Asa a facut tatal ei, deci este posibil sa fie parasita si de ceilalti. Daca isi manifesta sentimentele, oamenii o pot rani. Prefera atunci sa nu se implice foarte mult sau, sa rupa o relatie atunci cand incepe sa devina serioasa.

O anxietate puternica vine din asteptarea replicii finale de la sfarsitul sedintei: “Timpul s-a terminat”. Pentru a evita angoasa separarii impuse de catre analist, prefera sa fie ea cea care pleaca inainte ca sedinta sa se termine.

Incearca sa fie ea stapana pe situatie, dar in acest fel obtine si mai putin. Iar acum ma gandesc la cursul Brandusei, cu temporalitatea. Pacienta se intoarce spre sine, prefera inactivitatea unor relatii care ar putea sa ii faca psihic rau, desi aceasta grija (practic) de a se conserva duce la cresterea fortei pulsiunii de moarte in defavoarea celei de viata, iar in final la disparitia vietii.

Si pentru ca in psihanaliza lucrurile sunt mai profunde decat par, ea nu doar devine activa si atat, sensul este ca pune in scena o durere pe care sa o simta analistul dar pe care ea anticipeaza ca ar simti-o. O proiecteaza in analist si se identifica apoi cu analistul. De unde inainte modalitatea ei de aparare era retragerea eului, acum trece la un mecanism defensiv ceva mai complex.

Se pare ca nu trebuise sa faca fata doar abandonului tatalui, dar si permanantei asteptari a mamei sale ca dorintele sa nu fie indeplinite. Internalizase aceasta expectatie: “A da si a lua reprezinta un joc placut, dar infricosator, care in mod NECESAR se termina dureror pentru pacienta”. Acest a da si a lua ma duce pe mine cu gandul la tulburari care tin de stadiul anal, dar pentru neamţ simptomatologia se incadreaza undeva in sfera imposibilitatii de a continua o relatie.

Mai, e bine ca poate sa le incepa:) Repeta practic o istorie: are o oarecare disponibilitate afectiva, pentru ca i s-a acordat afectiune, dar doar pana intr-un anumit punct, pentru ca si ei i-a fost retrasa brusc. Ca atare, şi afectele (chestie diferită de “afecţiune”, da?) şi le refuza, pe acelaşi principiu simplu si eficient al evitarii durerii.

Palace of Vine and Leaf

Originally uploaded by stonewall072

“There is a temple in ruins stands, Fashion’d by long forgotten hands: Two or three columns, and many a stone, Marble and granite, with grass o’ergrown!”–from The Seige of Cornith by Lord Byron.

If you’ve known me for a while then you may have noticed a photo gallery on my Facebook page that disappeared lately called “Traces.”

Traces is a project I started last year to photograph the myriad of abandon buildings I come across in my wanderings and present them with different pre- and post processing techniques. In addition to structures located around my East Tennessee home, I went back in my archive and pulled a handful of photos taken in New Mexico that fit the spirit of the project.

The project has been dormant since I left the Advocate & Democrat since I only recently acquired a new DSLR camera. Since then, the project has started rolling again and I’ve managed to add a few more buildings to the collection. In addition, I’ve scouted out several locations I’d like to shoot and will hopefully get to them soon.

I took the photo gallery down off Facebook to migrate to to my Flickr account. Here is a direct link to the set.

Over a year and a half ago, I wrote THIS blog about one of the most emotional days I’ve ever spent in China.  It was the day I found a baby abandoned outside our front gate.  While I don’t talk about it much, it’s something that’s often at the back of my mind.

I often wonder if that little baby ever got his surgery.  I wonder if he’s been adopted.  I wonder if he’s got a family now – complete with parents, siblings and pets.  It’s been less than two years, but he could very well be living a totally different life halfway around the world.  He could be the adorable, lovable bundle of joy that an adoptive family has been praying for.  I think of him often.  I hope and pray somewhere in the world he is healthy and experiencing the love of a family.

But perhaps more than thinking of him, lately my mind has been on his mom – his Chinese mom.  His mom probably lives somewhere in this village or in a town nearby.  She probably works on a farm or in a small factory.  More than likely, she buys produce from the same vendors as me.  Somewhere nearby, his mom is right here, walking the same dusty streets as me.

Even now, I am at a loss to describe how this makes me feel.  My heart hurts for this woman who gave up her child.  My mind can’t fathom the type of desperation she must have felt the day she left him outside our gate. 

I’ve never spoken of this before, but when I first saw that little baby, I didn’t want to pick him up.  Seeing him laying there all wrapped up in his dad’s blazer, I knew if I reached down and held him, it would change the course of his life forever.  In that moment, I wanted to walk away – hoping that his parents would change their minds and come back to scoop him up and take him home.  I didn’t want to admit that I was right in the middle of something that was very raw and deeply painful.  I was seeing that this world is broken and that terrible things can happen when people are desperate. 

I wanted to close my eyes or walk away, giving his parents the opportunity to come back.  I could feel so strongly that his parents were close by, hiding themselves and waiting to see who would stop to help their son. 

Later, when he was up in our nursery, I remember feeling such sadness when the nannies were getting ready to give him a bath and bottle.  Layer by layer, they peeled off his simple clothing.  I kept thinking of how it was his mom who had last tied his little overalls that particular way and put those cute lion booties on his feet.  Did she kiss his little toes before she slipped them on?  I wondered if her eyes were filled with tears as she fastened the buttons on his tiny quilted coat for the last time and put that dirty little beenie on his head.  As the nannies fussed around him, I remember desperately wanting to stop the clock.  I didn’t want him to be stripped of those final touches from his mom.  I didn’t want her smell to be washed away. 

After the nannies gave him a bath and they handed him to me with a bottle, I wondered if he’d ever taken a bottle before.   I wondered if another person had ever fed him in this way.  I remember thinking over and over, “This shouldn’t be happening.  This isn’t right.  He needs his mom.”  I repeated those sentences over and over in my head.  I wanted to tear outside to the street, looking for somebody who had lost their baby.  Irrationally, I wondered if maybe somebody just forgot him there and had no intention of actually leaving him.  What if I had stolen a baby and they were desperately looking for him?  All these thoughts and feelings raced through me as I fed him that bottle and looked in his sweet face.

There is such deep, raw pain that comes with abandonment.  In our work, we get to see the good side - the hope, joy, healing and restoration.  We get to play a small part in fixing something that is terribly broken.   There is nothing like seeing babies heal, both physically and emotionally.  And there is just no way to describe the beauty of seeing these children meet loving adoptive families – families who have prayed and waited for this child.  All of those are such beautiful things.

But I suppose to fully appreciate the beauty, sometimes I have to also recognize that it all began with indescribable pain.  Somewhere in my little village is a woman whose arms are empty because of a choice she made – a desperate choice.  I have no idea who she is.  I wonder who is there to ease her pain, to dry her tears, to take away the burden she must carry.  I wonder who is going to reach out and help heal the pain in her heart. 

I spend a lot of time praying for our kids.  But right now, my prayer is for her.

There is a quote from H. L. Mencken that reads, “Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats.” Since first reading it, I’ve been struck by those words and have remembered them. Every normal man must sometimes want to throw caution to the wind and be a pirate, it says, to slit throats with abandon and claim the spoils regardless of consequence. It is tempting. But I also read a deeper meaning in it. A rallying cry, a warning, a call-to-arms. There comes a time, these words say, when every man will have to take action, make a stand, and risk everything to fight for what they value or else lose it to another’s plundering.

I’ve never read that line in its original context. Those sentiments may not be remotely near what the author intended when writing it. But a learned man once told me that what we see on our own is more important than what we are told to see. You can be taught to see more, to see better, he said, but never fully trust what you are told. So Mr. Mencken will have to pardon my conclusions; they are mine alone.

Hoist the black flag, he said. Slit throats. To war, then, and to the victor goes the spoils. It strikes me that much of American society is already busy at pirating, or was until the Big Bust of 2008. Wanting a large payoff from a smaller, somewhat riskier investment seemed to be the prevailing modus operandi. Flip houses. Flip cars. Flip companies. Trust Bernie with your money. Cheat (but slyly) on your taxes. In fact, cheat at anything if you think you won’t get caught. Score as much credit as possible. Buy things you can’t afford with someone else’s money. Lie and steal from your government, your employer, your family, your fellow man. Anything for the almighty dollar.

If you were in construction, you threw together as many buildings as possible and waited for fat profits to roll in, and who cares about the structural integrity of those houses and business spaces. So what if the floor joists won’t last five years, and the basement leaks if so much as a dog takes a whizz two doors down, and the wallboard emits poisonous gas? Sorry, buddy, you were dumb enough to sail into my harbor and your throat just got slit. Thanks for the booty. Besides, that’s what homeowner’s insurance is for.

If you were in insurance you issued thousands of policies that were useless and refused to pay claims, slitting more throats and raking in treasure chests of booty. Your house burnt? Oh, so sorry, we won’t pay for anything damaged by smoke or water or heat or any wall left standing. Tell you what, we’ll give you this month’s mortgage payment plus an extra $50. We’re feeling very generous today. A hurricane you say? Your house flooded? Oh how awful. But no, sorry, we don’t pay off on damages from storm surge. Nope, it’s not a flood, it’s a wave, and we don’t cover that. Sorry. Don’t forget, your next payment is due in two weeks. Bye bye now.

And of course there were still the usual rackets of car sales, internet companies, Wall Street, and, well, anything run by the government. Anything to make another dollar, and the less honest the better. Hey, that’s the new American Dream: getting something for nothing. From the world’s largest corporation to grade schoolers, everyone’s playing pirate.

But someone somewhere is losing. Someone is watching their house or car or savings or future circle the drain when that newest chest is drug on board the winning ship and its golden contents are revealed. With a pirate on every side wondering how they can get their hands on it next.

So what does this have to do with Mencken’s quote? I think the deeper meaning behind it says you have to be your own pirate, be prepared to fight for anything you want, and if you really want it you can’t let others stand in your way. If keeping your job means someone else goes unemployed, so be it. If keeping your house means another family goes homeless, that’s something you’ll just have to face. It is, in a way, Darwin’s evolution in action. No one ever wrote a treatise on the survival of the nicest.

The sad fact of life on this planet is that not everyone will have what they want, and many will not have what they need. And to have anything at all, you will have to fight for it. We do not live in a global utopian society, and if you do not take it you will likely die waiting for it to be given to you.

That goes for liberty as much as for anything else. If you do not fight for your freedoms, you can hardly expect anyone to grace you with them out of the goodness of their heart. Governments, for instance, were not constructed out of goodness but out of fear and desire … even our own illustrious “city on a hill.” It’s nice to stand safely on the sidelines and speak of pacifism and conscientious objections, but in reality they don’t work. At some point, the theory breaks down. Even one man sitting alone in the middle of a garden will have to fight if he wants to eat, fight weeds and animals and drought and frost. Idealism has yet to feed a hungry belly.

I think Mencken’s words reveal that life is simply one fight after another, and if you want to do more than simply survive, you’ll have to do so at someone else’s expense. Is your life more important than someone else’s? Is someone else’s life more important than yours? How can anyone possibly know? So hoist your flag, brandish your sword and pistol, and let the blood run.

Here is the first of two posters which were created as a message to the future using only the contents in which i had found in a given issue of the 1976 Hockey News. This message was created for days far into the future when almost nothing is left of the earth to encourage those still inhabiting the earth to leave their homes and join others on the new colonies of other planets.

In a way this was supremely over thought in that to have this poster relate to my topic Salvaging i almost did not have to create a new message because by using the elements of The Hockey News i had already sucsessfully salvaged alot of material and information.

An interview discussing Alexandra Evans’ planned game, ‘Abandon’, and games in general.

AE = Alexandra Evans
I = Interviewer

I: So, I hear you’ve been designing a game?

AE: Yeah, it’s an idea I’ve had for a long while now. I was inspired a long time ago because it was brought to my attention how much I hate it when in games that are supposed to be ‘realistic’, you can get shot in the stomach five times and still live, y’know? It just gets on my nerves.

I: Well, there are games that go against that. In a lot of games nowadays you get one-hit kills from headshots, an-

AE: Yeah, yeah, I know, but in my opinion the realism is still, kind of, forced? You get what I mean? I mean, dying because you get shot in the head, that’s a bit obvious. But like, dying from bleeding to death from a stomach wound? Or a leg wound? You don’t see that often in games.

I: With those kind of rules inforced, though, it’s going to make the game very difficult, isn’t it?

AE: I think it depends on the situation completely. In a FPS or any other game where there’s going being bullets flying everywhere or intense fighting, then of course, realistic deaths would be irritating and make it too much of a challenge, but in something like a survival horror, it adds to the fear. In the words of Yahtzee, “If I’m not dreading every single moster encounter, then it’s not horror, is it?”

I: You’re a big fan of Zero Punctuation, I take it?

AE: Oh, yeah. I love it.

I: That’s from his review of Silent Hill Homecoming, isn’t it? Which he didn’t like.

AE: That’s right.

I: Your game, Abandon, like Silent Hill, is also going to be of the survival horror genre. People have said that your game seems to be influenced by it. Are you a fan of the Silent Hill series?

AE: I’ve actually never played any of the Silent Hill games except for Origins which I borrrow from my friend once, but couldn’t play because it scared me. The thing is, I have terrible.. and I mean terrible nerves. The jump-out scares in games and films and stuff mess with my head. I was never desenstized to horror when I was young, so I don’t watch horror films or play games like Silent Hill now.

I: You’re missing out.

AE: I know I am. But I just can’t cope. It creeps me out.

I: That’s kind of weird considering that you want to make a horror game.

AE: Well, yeah. But tension and fear doesn’t affect me as badly, it’s just, like I said, ‘jump-up scares’, that get me. The problem I have is that most modern horror games do use that. It’s a cop-out, it’s just an easy way to scare people so you can call what you’re doing a horror, along with excess gore. But that’s just what happens here. I love Japanese horror, because it uses the isolation and oppression to create the fear, it’s not relying on shocking you. From what I understand of the Silent Hill series, one of the main reasons it’s going downhill is because it’s stopped using that. America ruined it.

I: Harsh.

AE: Well, it’s true. And that’s why I want to make a game that uses that oppressive fear. I’m okay with it, because however it pans out, it won’t have any shock-scares in it.

I: What do you mean, “however it pans out”?

AE: Assuming that I’m still around during the production of the game if I do manage to get funding, then I’m not going to let it be a cop-out horror. Because that’s defeating the object completely.

I: I see. So, tell us more about the game itself. What is the plot?

AE: Without giving away too much, your character finds themselves in an abandoned hospital.

I: Hence the name?

AE: Yeah, well, it’s just a working title, I don’t know if I’ll stick with it yet. But, yeah, they wake up in this hospital. And no, they don’t have amnesia, I just want to make that clear now. That’s another cop-out that I hate in games.

I: Right.

AE: Mm.. and the point of the game is to get out of the hospital. That’s the plot from the outsiders point of view. But the rest of the story you find out through exploring and looking around.

I: You’ve mentioned before that there are ‘enemies’ as such, in the hospital. What are they?

AE: Well, you find out what they are while you’re looking around, like I said, I don’t want to give away too much, because the exploration and finding out what has happened is the secondary objective. You don’t actually have to search for clues about why the hospital is abandoned, or what the creatures are that you see, but if you don’t, you don’t get the full experience of the game. That’s the idea. You’re rewarded for your curiousity.

I: So, it’s a sandbox game, in that sense? A sandbox horror.

AE: Yeah, I suppose that is the genre it fits.

I: You have said previously that you get completely free roam of the area. Your aim is to achieve perfect realism.

AE: Exactly. I want to have a game that is completely realistic, without letting it boring because the situation is completely unrealistic.

I: Like living out a fantasy? If your fantasy was being scared out of your senses.

AE: *laugh* That’s right.

I: I’ve seen some of your preliminary drawings of the ‘creatures’ in the game. You did one particularly detailed one of th-.. Am I allowed to talk about this? Does it give away too much?

AE: Yeah, go for it. I need something to make it sound interesting.

I: Okay, well, the.. boss enemy? I don’t know, is that what it is?

AE: Essentially. Alongside the normal creatures, there is Zeta, who is one of the only characters that I’ve planned the appearance of completely, I know exactly what it’ll look like, although the drawing I showed you didn’t represent that very well. *laughs*

I: It was okay. Now, let’s start wrapping this up, before people get bored.

AE: That’s cool.

I: Last question; In the past, you’ve mentioned character customisation, use of the PS3 controller’s motion sensing, and super-intelligent AI, all of which you want to use and focus on in Abandon. Are these still desired goals for you in the final game?

AE: Oh, yes. Of course. I want character customisation so you can make the character yourself, or Batman, or whatever. If it’ll help you identify with the character visually, then that’s achieving my goal. I wanted to have the game use the motion sensing to help with movement and in combat, to add to the realism, but I’ll talk more about that later.. What was the other thing?

I: Intelligent AI.

AE: Oh, yeah. Well, that’s kind of an obvious thing, really. But I just wanted the creatures to have personalities, because in a lot of games, the ‘enemies’, as such, are just there to attack, and that’s all they do. But in Abandon, I wanted the creatures to act differently. Not just different types of creatures, but within types, so some will attack, some will ignore you, some will run away, etc, etc. And that would also tie in with the difficulty levels which you choose at the start of the game. So, if you choose a lower difficulty level, a lower percentage of creatures will be willing to attack you, and at higher difficulties, more will. But the actually amount of creatures in the hospital won’t change.

I: It’s an interesting idea. Well, that’s all we have time for. So, thank you for your time, Alex. And thank you for the.. insight into your ideas for the game.

AE: *laughs* No problem. Any time.

20 avril 2009

Therapy has helped me to just close the door and walk away…on old jobs, old relationships, and now therapy. After crying, feeling rejected, wondering what I had done wrong, I’m ready to just walk away.

I understand perfectly that I did nothing wrong and that she’s not rejecting me and I view this little exercise as very interesting. Now I’m ready to do more with the money I spend every month.

Like :

• Getting a massage twice a month (at least 60$ each)
• Getting a pedicure and a manicure every month (40$ pedicure, 15$ manicure)
• Saving for vacations
• Putting some aside so I can buy a house someday
• Hire a cleaning lady once a month to do the big stuff
• Going to the hairsalon more often than twice a year (at least 30$)
• Buy expensive shoes (between 50$ for a pair of Crocs and 200$ for leather shoes)
• Buy Lululemon athletic wear (mucho casho)
• Getting a special self-defense class (costs 350 $ for two days)
• Going to the vet with my cat (at least 200$)
• Seeing my other therapist more often