Well November is nearly past and it is time for another reflection on what was going on a year ago.  I think this will be the last of these “a year ago reflections.”  After this there were not too many events of note.  Just the long and slow grieving process which is still continuing of course…

…In the months following Abigail’s death we were pretty much in a daze to be honest.  A week after the funeral and I was back to work in a very public way heading the annual conference for the charity I work for.  The work was easy enough.  But having frequent head tilt “how are you” conversations with people was challenging.  Some people really wanted to know and could cope with the truth but others just wanted to go through the motions and hear that you were getting there (wherever there is) and that you could quote some vague religious platitude.

It wasn’t long before I found myself referred for more infertility tests picking up from where we had pulled out when we found out we were pregnant with Abigail.  Both my wife and I wanted to get as much of this behind us before we cared again.  We had had two and a half years of disappointment leading up to Abigail being conceived and we were not looking forward to the monthly rollercoaster of trying to conceive again.  So yes in the months that followed I had numerous opportunities to have intimate relations with a cup, go for physical examinations, blood tests, an ultrasound (on me this time!) and the rest.  I remember the first time I went to see the urologist consultant, I had to walk through the maternity unit and see lots of pregnant women waiting for their ultrasounds.  It was so unfair that here I was going to see if anything could be done to see if we could get pregnant when here were all these women who were already there.  If only we could reset and reboot – go back to when we were pregnant and play it again and see if we got a different outcome.

In the weeks following the funeral we knew that the first week of December was going to be especially jarring.  We had Abigail’s post-mortem results on 1 December and her due date was 6 December.  I booked the week off work and before long, these dates were upon us.

My wife and I discussed the PM results before the day and we both felt that anything less than a 1 in 4 chance of recurrence would not be enough to stop us trying for another baby.  1 in 4 might be enough.  We had a strong suspicion that Abigail had died from a genetic condition.  Some of her fingers and toes had been fused together and that seemed a strong indicator of a chromosomal cause.  Even as I write this now, I hate the idea that some readers might think “ah well in that case she was left than perfect/not normal so perhaps her dying was probably for the best.”  Someone said basically that in a card to us once!  Let me be as clear as I can.  Abigail may not have been perfect – nor are any of us! – but we loved her as if she was.  If she had lived we would have loved her with all our hearts no matter what challenges she would have faced.

The day of the post-mortem results came and we dropped our son off with friends and walked in to the hospital.  We had done this so many times for scans and now we repeated that well-known routine.  We parked the car and had five minutes to spare so we walked along the street outside.  We then went into the waiting area and this was the one time I felt the hospital let us down.  We were in a maternity waiting area surrounded by posters of babies, mothers with babies, mother’s breastfeeding their babies to “give them the best start in life”.  This was also the room where we had had anti-natal classes when we were pregnant with our son.

There was one mother-to-be and grandmother-to-be waiting.  They were very chirpy and talking excitedly about their pregnancy.  We were not chirpy but very sober.  At one point the grandmother-to-be even made a comment about how we seemed very serious.  I nearly told them we were there for our daughter’s PM results but restrained myself.  Altogether we waited about 25 minutes past our appointment time and that was hard in that room.

Finally we were taken into the consultant’s office.  Our doctor, Paul had been great during the pregnancy but by now we were quite on edge.  He had a student doctor with him.  A girl who seemed about 17 (probably 23).  I doubt she had done one of these before.  Paul came straight to the point and said that he was sorry for the delay but the formal PM report had not come back to him so he had been getting the results over the phone.  Abigail had had triploidy.  This was a condition that resulted in a lot of miscarriages but not many babies made it as far as birth.  All in all it accounted for about 1 in 50,000 live births.  It occurred when a baby had 69 instead of 46 chromosomes.  It was always fatal and no baby had lived beyond 10 months with triploidy.

The good news (!) was that it was a fairly random event and was not likely to recur for us.  Say 1 in 100.  There was no reason we couldn’t try for another baby – other than ongoing infertility problems that is.  Ironically the majority of triploidy cases occurred when 2 sperm fertilised one egg.  Madness – none of my sperm were good enough to get to the egg but when one finally did a second one did too!  Stupid sperm.  Grrrrrr.

Here is a final email I sent to all our friends and family who had been receiving updates during Abigail’s short life.

There are two ways to tell you about the PM, the first is medical – what we know and think.  We now know that Abigail had a genetic condition called triploidy.  This results in quite a lot of early miscarriages but it is very rare to last as long as we did.  It only affects about 1 in 50,000 births.  It is lethal with most triploidy babies being still born or with an average life expectancy of 10 hours after birth.  It is not hereditary – as the doctor puts it we were struck by lightning.  This is a relief as otherwise there would have been a chance that [our son] could have faced similar problems in his future.  That said we do face an increased risk of this or similar happening to us again of about 1 in 100.  This is a lot lot lot better than 1 in 4, but not as good as nothing!  Stating the obvious there.  So overall not as bad as we feared but not as good as we could have hoped.

The second way to talk about these results is not what we think or know, but how we feel.  Abigail was conceived into a fallen broken world as we all were.  But, we do not love her one tiny bit less for this.  We do not think of her as imperfect in any way more than everyone else alive today including you and me.  We certainly don’t want people telling us it was a mercy she died when she did, or that we have been saved from more heartache.  If we had had 10 hours with her we would have treasured those 10 hours.  We do treasure the limited time and limited contact we had with Abigail – we always will, it has tremendous value to us as her parents.  Even though we know now that she was never going to survive we still grieve the life and the potential that she had in our hearts and dreams.  We will remember the milestones that never occur even if they could never have been.  I share this side of it with you because as our friends and family we want you to understand and be comfortable with the simple fact that at this simple level Abigail remains part of our lives and part of our family.  We hope you can be part of this too and feel comfortable talking about this side of things with us.  We do not expect or want this to be a morbid thing but a way of valuing the person Abigail was and is.

One final thing, this verse has been helpful to us from Lamentations 3 v32-33

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,

so great is his unfailing love.

^For he does not willingly bring affliction

or grief to the children of men.

We do not expect to understand why this happened to us, but we will accept it.  And we know that God is good and faithful.

We had ended up arranging to visit friends for the weekend of Abigail’s due date.  This was probably a mistake.  We were struggling to function and it was all fairly chaotic at our friend’s house.  They had other people staying and four children so the house was quite crowded and we didn’t really have an opportunity to talk meaningfully.  In the middle of bedtime routines the Dad of the home said something to the effect that it felt like he had 18 children to put to bed.  I came close to saying “lucky you” but again restrained myself.  These people were (and are) good friends but we were not in a good place.

At one level Abigail’s due date didn’t have the meaning it might have had.  If Abigail had lived she would have been delivered by C-section much earlier than this date.  But looking back further to finding out we were pregnant, this was the date we had been told was her due date.  Over the entire length of Abigail’s pregnancy this was the date we had expected to be filled with joy.  Instead we were just getting stuck into the grieving process and wondering whether we would ever get pregnant again.  Not a very acceptable exchange really!

In the run up to Christmas we felt increasingly lonely in our grief.  The support that had been so tangible in the first few weeks now faded into normality for others and raging grief for us.  People moved on but we did not.  There was nothing new for people to say to show their support and we increasingly found it unsatisfying being around people.

We had a few days away with some friends in a holiday park and I remember getting into an argument about gender specific appropriate activities.  It got quite heated until I eventually explained that I was arguing from the point of view that Abigail had been a girl and therefore I wanted to imagine her in pink and doing ballet dancing not football lessons.  Stupid really.

We then stayed for a weekend with some friends who had driven an 800 mile roundtrip for the Abigail’s funeral and given a massive donation to Abigail’s fund.  We had hoped to catch up with them and share where we were at with Abigail.  But basically they couldn’t hack any conversation about Abigail at all.  Whenever she was mentioned they would immediately change the subject.  We hated that weekend more than anything.

But that was compensated by the fact that we then spent an evening with some friends who had suffered three miscarriages and ongoing infertility problems.  They were so understanding and happy to talk about Abigail.  This has been a valuable lesson to people – how comfortable people are with suffering seems directly related to how much they have themselves sufferred.

For Christmas we have always had a tradition of buying a new decoration for the tree each year.  This year we bought a bauble with Abigail’s name on it.  This was on the tree this first year and will continue to be part of our Christmas tree for years to come.  It was good to be able to recognise her in our family Christmas.

I’ve been meaning to do a post on Abby’s Livestock Guard Dog status here at Mud Ranch.  My dear friend, Lana, has requested very nicely a few times to do a post on Abby.

I’m very happy to report, that she’s doing an even better job than I had imagined.  I actually was thinking I had messed up somewhere along the way while raising her and was concerned about her not being a ‘true’ LGD.  A couple of weeks ago, I attended a Goat Education Day at our community college with a friend of mine.  She was going for the goats (she has two home milkers) and I thought maybe I could apply some of the topics to my sheep.  One of the topics was LGD’s so I went to that specific class while my friend went to a nutrition class.

I was concerned about Abby not being a true LGD because, well, she’s friendly to most any person who comes over and she doesn’t live with the sheep 24/7.  She will nap in our front yard, splayed out in the sun without a care in the world during the middle of the day.  She also will nap on our door step during the evening.  I had thought that according the strict standards that you find so prevalent on the internet regarding LGD’s that Abby was not, afterall, a real one.  Granted, we hadn’t lost any sheep since she’s been here and does seem real vigilant… I was just second guessing myself and her.

I received a new education at the Goat Day… Abby is a Family Farm Dog.  And that also means she is an LGD, because she certainly does protect all who are in her flock: Sheep, Cats, Horses, Annie and Hubby and I.  We’re all in her family and she counts us all as important.  Abby, though sunning herself in the day time, is very vigilant at night and early morning — when the predators are out and roaming.  She will bark and chase all night long (thus the naps during the day.)  She’s doing such a fabulous job taking care of our 40 acre place that I’ve taken to keeping the sheep out at night.  I know they’re in good hands.  I’ll most likely put them back in the barn when lambing starts again in February but until then, they’re just fine.

And though she is friendly to family and friends, I have found many packages delivered by UPS and FedEx haphazardly tossed out on to anything near by that is off the ground i.e. our quad, a vehicle… so I’m thinking she doesn’t exactly let strangers out of their cars.

The only trouble with Abby is… She needs back-up.  And I’m thinking a male pup is in order.

A first date after a while can be ‘interesting’ for all of the wrong reasons and not just because you are out of practice. When you get home you start to wonder whether you both had fun and of course whether either of you want to repeat the fun and have a second date.

So what should you do next? Well if you are a woman you are supposed to ruled by a convention that suggests that you wait to see if ‘he’ calls and if you are a man you are supposed to call if you had fun and want to see your new friend again.

That does seem to leave a lot to chance doesn’t it? So what you do next assuming that you want to see the other party again should be ruled by you not convention. Though of course what you do next should be governed by how well the date went.

If you have a nice time then there is no reason not to have another date is there? If on the other hand things didn’t go so well of course you should continue looking for what you want.

If you have a great time then call the other person and let them know and suggest another date, you will soon discover if they feel the same way about the date and are prepared to have another.

When you call, and this applies to both men and women be chatty, and make sure you say that you had a good time as quickly as possible, oddly enough few people seem to know that compliments work as well on men as women.

And tell them what you are doing now, and if you really liked him or her tell them that you are getting ready for bed and thinking of ‘them’ that works rather nicely because it is an innocent comment but just as a very slight edge.

Keep the conversation short though because you don’t want to run out of things to talk about on the second date, on the third of course you can mention the telephone conversation after the first date which is nice because it shows that you are developing some personal history that only you two share and that is the best way to start a dating regularly and building something that eventually will come to be a relationship and all from a little telephone call.

Here at www.easilyfriends.com we try to make finding a partner as easy as possible and of course ALL of our services are FREE and always will be free but pleased do take care when dating someone new for the first time.

Meet in them in a public place and leave them in a public place. Make sure that you tell someone where you are going and when you expect to return and if you are going to be late then call them and let them know.

Dating is fun and dating safely means that you will have fun safely.

I miss everybody at home. I can’t wait til Christmas and our holidays. I wish we could go home for the holidays. We started decorating our room today. It’s looking really good. On Fridays we always get pop and a snack. we sometimes take the baby (Akira) for walks.I really love her and play with her all the time!:)

I took care of a bird with a broken wing. It was a doctor bird and I fed him sugar water and made a nest for him to sleep. he died the next day.

Since Abigail was born still certain music has had a very special place in my heart.  It was hard to plan a funeral service for a baby that we never got to know, or even meet, but songs helped to express what we were feeling on that special day.  And, in the months that followed I kept coming across new songs which made me think about my beautiful baby daughter and how much I missed her.

More recently, I made a playlist of songs that spoke to me about Abigail as a gift for my lovely wife.  This was a good way to honour both of the special girls in my life.

Around the first anniversary of Abigail’s death I felt so much emotion but not the release of tears.  It was music once again that broke through my emotional reserves as I eventually sobbed my heart out listening to one particular song.

Anyway, I thought I would share here some of the special music that reminds me of Abigail.  Since the web is not as joined up as it should be, you might not be able to play all the music linked here.  If so hopefully a quick internet search will bring you somewhere where you can hear them or failing that, try spotify or youtube.  If I have already posted on this blog about a song I will link to that otherwise I will try and find a version online.

Songs about stillbirth

Some songs that seem to me to be about stillbirth or the loss of a child include:

- Still by Gerrit Hofsink is a very powerful song – “lost you before I met, gone before you came”.  Thanks to Sian for introducing me to this song

- Heaven is the face by Steve Curtis Chapman – I love this song and also With Hope and Beauty will Rise by the same grieving father.  I happily recommend the whole album in fact.

- A little more of you by Ashley Chambliss is a recent discovery for me – thanks to In the land of Broken Hearts

- Daughter of heaven by Kate Rusby

- Gone too soon by Michael Jackson also seems very appropriate for a grieving parent but I am not sure if that is what it was originally about

- I will take you hope by the Grateful Dead of all people

- Somewhere over the rainbow always reminds me of heaven

Some love songs (which still do it for me)

Two songs by snow patrol which I only discovered recently include the haunting lyrics of Chasing Cars and the rising anthem of Run.

High by Lighthouse Family was a song we very nearly had at Abigail’s funeral but in the end we went for Friends by Michael W Smith, mainly for the first few lines “packing up the dreams God planted, in the fertile soil of you.  I can’t believe the hopes he’d granted, now a chapter in our lives is through.  But we’ll keep you close as always”.  I can’t bring myself to type the next line because it isn’t even remotely true!

I will always love you by Whitney Houston reduced me to an emotional pulp a few months after Abigail died when it came on the ipod on random shuffle.  I had a similar response to One more day by Diamond Rio – forgive the video! 

Unchained Melody by Righteous Brothers is another love song that is now forever about Abigail.  As is Without you by Dixie Chicks and 20 Good Reasons by Thirsty Merc.

The current ringtone on my mobile is Sweet Child O’Mine by Guns and Roses – just the guitar solo at the start – still no one had picked up on the relevance.

Heaven by Live is another song which has Abigail written all over it for me.

Annie’s song by John Denver is a song that I sometimes listen to when I climb the hill where we scattered Abigail’s ashes.  Another such song is Go rest high on this mountain by Vince Gill or To where you are sung by Josh Groban

A Father’s love song for his daughter which reminded me of all the potential lost when Abigail died and also spoke of our ongoing infertility troubles is Cinderella.

Christian worship songs

The old children’s song Jesus loves me seems very appropriate for Abigail – risk searching youtube at your peril for this one.

As high as the heavens (voice of hope) – a song pointed out to be by Andthroughthestorm who had this song at the thanksgiving service for their daughter Abi.

A song by Matt and Beth Redman (who have had three miscarriages) is Blessed be your name. Also by Matt Redman is You never let go, a song based on Psalm 23.  Also further down in the same link is At the foot of the cross (Beauty for ashes) which helped me to start thinking about looking for beauty and God in our grief.

Two songs which we sang at Abigail’s funeral were How deep the Father’s love for us (which speaks about how God was himself a bereaved parent) and God of Grace (I stand complete in you) which includes the line “strivings and all anguished dreams in rags lie at my feet, but only grace provides the way for me to stand complete.”  A song played at the end of Abigail’s funeral was There is a Day which I absolutely love as it has such hope in it.

More recently I came across Jesus, draw me ever nearer by Keith and Kristyn Getty which spoke to me about letting God into my grief.

So as you can see quite a lot of songs have really touched me over the past 14 months.

What songs have really impacted you during your journey of grief?

(for a similar post on stillbirth poems click here)

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
It’s the morning of your very first day
You say hi to your friends you ain’t seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybody’s way
It’s your freshman year and you’re gonna be here
For the next four years in this town
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
You know I haven’t seen you around, before

(Chorus)
‘Cause when you’re fifteen and
Somebody tells you they love you
You’re gonna believe them
And when you’re fifteen feeling like
There’s nothing to figure out
But count to ten, take it in
This is life before you know
Who you’re gonna be
Fifteen

You sit in a class next to a redheaded Abigail
And soon enough you’re best friends
Laughing at the other girls
Who think they’re so cool
We’ll be out of here as soon as we can
And then you’re on you’re very first date
And he’s got a car and you’re feeling like flying
And you’re mamma’s waiting up and you’re thinking he’s the one
And you’re dancing ’round your room when the night ends
When the night ends

(Chorus)
‘Cause when you’re fifteen and
Somebody tells you they love you
You’re gonna believe them
When you’re fifteen and your first kiss
Makes you head spin ’round but
In your life you’ll do things greater
Than dating the boy on the football team
But I didn’t know it at fifteen

When all you wanted
Was to be wanted
Wish you could go back
And tell yourself what you know now

Back then I swore I was gonna
Marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind
And we both cried

(Chorus)
‘Cause when you’re fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You’re gonna believe them
And when you’re fifteen, don’t forget to look before you fall
I’ve found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you’re supposed to be
I didn’t know who I was supposed to be
At fifteen

la la la la la…la la la la la…la la la la la

Your very first day
Take a deep breath girl
Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors

Given how much Abigail loves to say her own name, I figured her first properly pronounced three-word sentence would include it, and sure enough, I was right. As we pulled into our driveway after a five-hour car trip last weekend, she looked at me and said, calmly but firmly, “Pick Abby up!”

This is also what I heard, off and on, for two hours yesterday afternoon as we stood in line to get her a swine flu shot. “Pick Abby up!”

And it’s what we hear when bathtime, mealtime, or naptime is over: “Pick Abby up!”

I have to say, a couple of times I’ve come close to telling her to pick herself up. She’s awfully heavy.

* * *

The December issue of The Atlantic arrived in our mailbox earlier this week, and as usual, I skipped right to the book reviews section, because Real News bores me. No, really: it does. And The Atlantic is simply lousy with Real News; have you ever noticed? I cannot for the life of me remember why I ever stopped subscribing to The New Yorker, which was my Snooty Magazine of Choice all through college and just after. Sure, The New Yorker was half-filled with events in or around New York City that I (resident of Baltimore and D.C.) could not attend, but at least it also included original fiction and the occasional ten-page feature about sandwiches. Sandwiches! Want to keep my interest, Atlantic? I hope you are taking notes here. The Atlantic doesn’t even publish fiction anymore, except in its much-touted, once-a-year, off-the-rack-only “fiction issue.” What is THAT? And isn’t a fiction issue that is not automatically sent to subscribers — like myself — the publishing equivalent of a tree falling in the woods when no one is there to hear it?

But enough of my whining. I really do enjoy Sandra Tsing Loh’s sporadic book review columns for The Atlantic, though lately she has been oversharing about the recent demise of her marriage, so that the simple act of reading her reviews makes me feel like a voyeur. In her latest offering, from the December 2009 issue, she reads about (and confesses to) bad mothering — in this day and age, is it inevitable, to some degree? Using Germaine Greer’s The Female Eunuch as a jumping-off point, Tsing Loh considers her own late marriage and the situations of mothers like her:

[T]hen I turned to [Greer's] chapter called “Family,” in which she argues that “stem”—or extended, multigenerational—households are inordinately stable; as opposed to today’s two-parent nuclear families, stem homes can never be “broken,” as their success does not “rest on the frail shoulders of two bewildered individuals trying to apply a contradictory blueprint.”

Bingo. What better phrase to describe marriage among those of my own bewildered demographic slice—parents of the Creative Class? We start with the best of intentions. In her 20s, the Creative Class female carves out a cool Creative Class career, like Writer. She meets a man with an equally cool Creative Class job—say, Devoted Documentary Filmmaker of the Obama 10-Year African Kiva Water Project. In their 30s, the baby comes: the Creative Class mom is pitched into hormonal bliss (at least at first); the very same week—argh, the timing!—Gates Foundation money suddenly comes through for the Obama-kiva-water-project documentary. Clinking champagne glasses, both spouses agree that Dad must fly to Africa for two months to finish filming while Mom cares for the baby. (The last thing she wants is be a 1950s nag—and how rarely does Gates money come through, how important is drinking water for Africa?)

After kissing her husband goodbye, the Creative Class mother now begins to care for their baby, alone, in New York, or Los Angeles, or whatever cool city they’ve moved to. She’s isolated from her stem family—the grandma, aunts, and in-laws (who all love children!) have long been left behind in notoriously un-Creative Lompoc, Fort Lauderdale, or Ohio. She can barely maneuver the stroller down the four flights of stairs to get to Gymboree ($20 for 45 minutes, and you have to actually stay with your nine-month-old and drum). Result: the 21st-century Creative Class mom’s life is actually far worse than that of her 1950s counterpart. Her husband works as many hours (and travels more), but life is uncomfortable on his salary alone, and the isolated mom has no bingo-playing moms’ group to ease the unnatural, teeth-chattering stress of one-on-one care of her child.

Greer argues that what the shift from stem to nuclear family primarily serves is capitalism, as single-family units represent, first and foremost, a “controllable pattern of consumption.” How much would industries suffer, she argues, if three families shared a washing machine?

I know, that’s quite an excerpt. So much to take in. Let’s get the obvious out of the way, first: Call me capitalist scum if you must, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to share my washing machine. Not with cloth diapers to wash every other day.

Next. I confess, I don’t think I am exactly one of the “Creative Class” Sandra is talking about here. I don’t know whether I can capitalize my Creativity. I did (sort of) “carve out” a “cool” “career” in nonprofit and freelance work — if we broaden the definition of “career” to “assorted jobs at which I make, in total, far less than I would tutoring rich kids not to blow the SAT.” And, unlike the true Creative Class moms as defined by Tsing Loh, I didn’t wait till my 30s to have a baby. My husband is not a member of the “Creative Class” at all; he is a weird hybrid of biologist and engineer, and so while I do occasionally worry about him never finishing graduate school, I don’t have to worry about him running off to save Africa, either.

But the part that really spoke to me in this article is the isolation of the anxious modern mother. It drives me absolutely batty when anyone I know talks about stay-at-home motherhood as “traditional,” because really, there is almost no time and place in history except for perhaps the last 50-60 years when (reasonably well-off) women even had the option not to work, at some sort of job, in or outside the home, to help support their families. And while those women throughout history were working and caring for and teaching and bringing up their children, they often had help and support in the form of older sisters, aunts, grandparents, etc. — the “stem”/multigenerational households to which Greer alludes. Not so for today’s mothers, navigating the choppy waters of modern parenting while being buffeted on all sides by the rigid ideologies, personal agendas, and unrealistic expectations of others.

I think about this often, actually, because I live a good 3,000 miles from my own mother and rarely see her. We don’t see my parents-in-law terribly often, either (about which I shall refrain from comment). I hear from people whose parents live close by that, frankly, they are not always very helpful, but for me and Dan it’s not even a possibility. Let’s face it, our fathers would probably be no help whatsoever; and even if we lived near our mothers, neither one of us relishes the thought of living with them again (I don’t think our moms are exactly clamoring to live with us, either).

As for support, I do have some great friends who are mothers, and I love them and their kids, but the support we offer each other is primarily the emotional sort. These women, many of whom live several states away, are all just as busy as I am. Of course they can’t do much to help if I just can’t deal with my dramatic toddler or find the motivation necessary to make dinner. Again, I love them and am so grateful to have them in our lives, but in terms of my day-to-day tasks and the isolation that comes along with staying home with Abby, knowing other moms doesn’t really alleviate the pressure, because we’re almost too busy to take the time to vent to one another.  Also, when I do get together with or talk to other mothers, the last thing I want to talk about is how stressful it is to be a mom — really, how relaxing is that?

My husband, who is a full-time student, still manages to do more child care and chores than about 99% of the other husbands we know.  The work of caring for and raising our daughter is far from mine alone, and we try to be supportive of one another and give each other the breaks we need.  But I think we both still feel somewhat isolated and overwhelmed much of the time, as we have, honestly, ever since we found out we were expecting our first child. I keep looking around, wondering, where the hell is my village? And dude, we only have the one kid so far; we still outnumber her — imagine what it will be like with one or two more.

It’s a great life, being Abby’s mother and squeezing my own life in around the edges, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I don’t mean to sound discouraging, truly.  I know how fortunate I am to be able to make the choice to be home with Abigail most of the time. All the same, I wouldn’t call this situation of ours perfect — in this day and age, living where and how we live, I’m damned if I even know what “perfect” would look like.

One of my early posts when starting out in this brave new world of blogging was this baby loss meme.  It helped me early on to be asked some challenging questions which perhaps I wouldn’t normally be asked.  It was also liberating to be able to answer them completely honestly rather than conform to polite social requirements.

I was made to think by Caz’s recent post taking up the challenge to answer these same questions too.  It made me wonder how my thinking has changed over the last few months so I thought I would answer them again and see how things have moved on.  I hope it isn’t a sign of desperation that I cannot think of new ideas for a post or new things to say!  You can judge.

1. What do you want people to know about the child you have lost?

I loved and still love Abigail very much.  I will love her to the day I die.  I will always remember her.  She was and is a very special part of our family. She is my daughter.  She is my wife’s daughter.  She is my son’s younger sister.

I want people to know that my “obsession” with her as my daughter is not in any way a morbid thing.  If you think that you need to get over it if you are going to be close to our family.  The fact that she died is of course very sad.  But the fact that I love her as my precious daughter is a good thing.  In the same way that any parent’s love for their child is good.  Just because we have been robbed of her here in this life does not mean we cannot and shouldn’t love her.

2. What names did you give your child and why?

We still love the name Abigail Joy which we gave her whilst she was still alive and kicking.  Abigail mean’s Father’s Joy.  I don’t think I have much to add here over the original post as this is very much reflecting on the past when we named her.

3. What rituals or ways of memorializing your child seem to best help you cope with their loss?

Well we are certainly going up the hill where we scattered Abigail’s ashes regularly.  My wife and I go together, sometimes with our son.  I go alone.  We have also invited some of our friends to come up there with us for a picnic.  This is a special place where I remember Abigail and feel closer to her.

I am listening to a lot of music too which reminds me of Abigail – perhaps a future post to share some of this.  Music often gets me at an emotional level in a way that mere thoughts or words cannot.

My wife and I are currently making a mosaic plant pot with Abigail’s name on it and with different images (sunflower, butterfly, rainbow) which remind us of her.  It will take us ages but we enjoy working on it.  It is good to make something with our own hands to remind us of Abigail and the fact that it takes a long time means it will be more worthy of her.

We also have a few things around the house too.  We have a photo up of her now in the lounge.  The frame is engraved with “Abigil Joy” at the top and “Born 19 October 2007, much loved and remembered” at the bottom using this design.

We have also ordered a bracelet for my wife and manly (hopefully) necklace for me from here for our Christmas presents.  We have both gone with Abigail’s footprint and it will be good to remember her in that way.

4. What are the kindest and/or most helpful things people have said to you? What are the worst?

I won’t repeat all the early things.  The best things people have said recently would include:

- andthroughthestorm in his first post saying he found my blog helpful and how he used one of my poems at the thanksgiving service for his daughter Abi.  It was encouraging to know that someone found a connection with my pain and it had helped them at such a difficult time

- similarly making a connection with so many people in this “blogging world”.  I am very grateful to the people who post comments here and for the interaction that we have.  This was especially helpful around about Abigail’s anniversary weekend.  Thank you all

- some good friends in the “real world” who accept Abigail and ongoing struggles we have and are consistently there for us.  We are enjoying showing these people Abigail’s photo at the moment.

The worst thing anyone said recently was yesterday.  I am staying away this week with someone I stayed with one year ago.  That was one month after Abigail died.  We had spoken last year a great deal about Abigail and how hard it had been.  This man is a minister and 30 years ago their second baby was stillborn.  I had looked forward to seeing them again since I thought they might want to hear about how we were getting on, one year on.  He asked me early on in conversation “remind me is it a son or a daughter you have?”  He appears to have forgotten everything I had shared with him.  The fact is I have a living son and a daughter in heaven.  The fact is I have BOTH.  The fact is I cannot even be bothered to talk about it if you cannot remember that our world fell apart one year ago!

5. Who is your hero? Who helps you make it through the dark days better than anyone else on the planet?

I think perhaps there is only one candidate for this now – my lovely wife.  She is the only person in the world who totally gets what it is like to not have our daughter Abigail with us here.  She is Abigail’s mum.  We have grown closer over this last year and I really really love her.  I think we are both beginning to look to the future now and that is encouraging, challenging and a little bit scary.  But I know we can face it together.  She isn’t the type to talk much in blogs but I am pleased to have welcomed her to a small extent here.

6. Is there anything you need to say or want to say but haven’t been able to? Can you say it now?

We haven’t made a decision yet, but it is increasingly feeling like we are going to go for Adoption.   Probably International Adoption.  We are not trying to replace Abigail.  We could never do that.  We are not trying to get the perfect 2.4 children family.  But we do feel that we have the capacity to love more than one child here on earth.  We would love for our son to have a brother or sister here that he can grow up with.  And we believe we would make good parents to another child.  It would be fantastic for us to care for a child whose life would otherwise have been so difficult.  We would love for good to come from bad in this amazing way and for us to see a future adopted child as being one example of this.

We are scared about the implications of this.  We fear the assessment process.  I am wondering whether it is wise for me to be blogging about this at all?  What if our assessing social worker in the future read this post?  I am not sure whether people would be interested in this part of our journey or whether I should stick to “babyloss” posts only.  What if we went for adoption and were rejected for one reason or another?  Would that not be like losing Abigail all over again?  What will it be like having someone prying into every aspect of our lives to see whether we would be “good enough parents”?  We should have Abigail HERE and NOW!  It is not fair!

7. How are you doing? How are you really doing?

To be honest, I am doing so much better than I was.  It was so hard even just a month ago during the anniversary weekend and the months leading up to it.  Things were so dark then as we relived the events of a year before with Abigail’s birth and death.  It is amazing how different things feel now.  Abigail is still very real to us and still painful.  But we are able to see her in the perspective of the rest of our lives.  And we have some hope for the future.  We are looking forward and not just back.

I am no longer agonising over how others do or do not relate to Abigail.  I don’t care as much whether they relate in the right way.  I now found that their responses do no not define me.  My wife and I know what we think and how we feel.  If they get it great, if they don’t then fine – they will be less a part of our lives but we don’t need them in quite the same way anymore.

Hmm, so that is me.  Is anyone else up to taking the challenge of answering these questions? If you do please post a link here as a comment so others can read what you have to say.

Those nice people at www.easilyfriends.com have just added what I think is a lovely feature – the ability to search for a friend, partner and more by using your Zodiac Sign.

This is a great way to discover that special friend who you can have fun with or… well who knows because you can use the compatibility of your Horoscope Sign to match with theirs.

As always when you are searching for a partner of friend you will be safer using www.easilyfriends.com than if you were to use most dating sites and that is because we carefully monitor applications to join the site which happily reduces access to the site for spammers and scammers and most importantly because we are free and will never charge you for any service ever we care about successfully finding you friends and possibly partners and we are not just after you money like pay sites.

Click through for micro-recaps!

How I Met Your Mother: B, Barney and Robin break up which is a major downer in the worst way (even though acceptable on some level). Lily’s grand idea saves this episode from a B- or lower by providing a hysterical robot gag and Ted bitches about money. (Last week: A)

Parks and Recreation: B+, Nearly the full cast comes together for an art project and fails miserably as expected. Leslie again proves to be just as strong as her weakest link and they throw together a mural that is absolute rubbish (literally and figuratively). As usual the plot explanation never sounds as clever, cute, or funny as it plays out so trust us on this one. You should be watching this show. It’s amazing. (Last week: A-)

30 Rock: A-, Lemon and Jack are on fire (literally and figuratively) in a business dispute that only ends well after drama with an agent who represents dogs, a show called Sports Shouting, and Padma from Top Chef. Also, Tracy and Jenna are teamed up again using t-shirts to get the message across: “The Problem” and “Solvers” gets better and better until the end when they’re both accurately wearing shirts that say “The Problem.” (Last week: B)

Bones: A, Dr./Chef Gordon Gordon returns to help Booth fire his gun. (Which sounds, as Gordon Gordon notes, desperately phallic.) See, because something’s gone wrong in Booth’s heart department and it’s showing itself in his shooting skillz. It all leads to Booth confessing (finally!) that he is in love with Brennan, and Gordon Gordon counseling him to have hope and patience. Oh, and Brennan is becoming “quite amusing.” And a leprechaun gets killed by his brother. (Last week: B+)

Gossip Girl: A, The only reason “They Shoot Humphreys, Don’t They?” didn’t get an A+ is because Georgina Sparks wasn’t in town. Blair and Serena affirm their love for one another in an elevator (just like in the books!), Nate and Chuck have a lost weekend, Jenny’s conversion to queen bitch is 94 percent complete, and the Dan/Olivia/Vanessa threesome is everything we hoped for. I’m bummed Hilary Duff’s last episode is tonight. She’s been surprisingly awesome. (Last week: B)

Ugly Betty: A, Ugly Betty feels so right again. Everything that was good about the first season is even better, because we know these characters now. Justin went deep into the closet this week, and Marc quietly helped him shut the door. Betty tried to seduce Hilda’s high school boyfriend. Hilda was amazing in a thousand ways, and finally got that homecoming crown she’d been wanting since she was a pregnant youth. Meanwhile, Daniel is in a cult, which:  shocking, I know. (Last week: B)

The Office: A-, “Murder” features Michael at his Michaelest, just in time for an ominous storyline that looks like it will be having repercussions for the rest of the season: Dunder Mifflin is in trouble again, and we all know how hilarious that can be (see: Season One, Season Three). While the actual Murder Mystery storyline wasn’t as funny as past office shenanigans (see: “Cafe Disco,” “Ben Franklin,” etc.), an ominous feeling of panic undercut the entire episode, which was basically sugar-coated with twenty-five Delta Burkes, I do declare. Plus: Tube City. (Last week: B+).

Glee: A-, “Wheels” is Glee at its finest (and most rare). While I personally tend to grade this show by how many songs it makes me download afterwards, other people like these things called stories and characters. “Wheels” had both at top form. The episode was tied together by actual themes — as New Directions raises money to rent the short bus so Artie can ride with them to Sectionals — and the final wheelchair number was spectacular, even if we do find out that Artie is kind of a wheelchair douchebag. Way to break Tina’s heart, fella, but keep it up, show. (Last Episode: B).

V: C-, Way to be a downer after last week. Cheesy, predictable, and not all exciting. Erica finds out that Jack is a priest (which probably pisses her off because of the whole No Sex thing), there’s a boring FBI task force looking into the V’s (with a Cylon as it’s leader), and Alan Tudyk isn’t dead, but everyone thinks he is. Erica’s boss (the yummy Roark Critchlow) suspects her of . . . something, and it’s all a mess. Erica’s kid is just creepy and annoying with his V obsession. The saving grace of this episode was the incredibly creepy interaction between Anna, the leader of the V’s, and Scott Wolf, who continues to push V buttons with his ageless face and political slitherings. (Last week: B-).

Grey’s Anatomy: B+, A little slippage after the awesome of the past three or four episodes, and it’s mostly because I was really upset that Izzy was back. When she’s back, it just reminds us how stupid and pointless her leaving really is (and we all know it’s because of IRL stuff, not character stuff). It was fun seeing Cristina get to play with a Cardio God, even if it was a mini one in Kim Raver shape, and the end reveal about the Chief’s fall into madness was really effective. Not too much on the Meredith front, despite it being her first week back from having a baby donating a piece of her liver to her alcoholic father. Overall, good, could have been better. (Last week: A-)

I’m not very good at music as a hobby, so I listen to the real radio (FM radio being it’s technical name) when I’m in the car and sometimes at home too. I enjoy it. I enjoy the DJs, I enjoy pop music, and I enjoy being a participant in popular culture. (Interestingly, that is also exactly why I am obsessed with American Idol. Ryan Seacrest, pop music, most watched show ever.)

The majority of music I hear is the same music over and over again. This week it’s Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, a new Five for Fighting song, and maybe one other thing I’m forgetting. So I was shocked to hear this happy ditty come on the radio. It feels so… not mainstream. (It probably is on account of it was on my FM radio, but it felt different.) If you haven’t heard this yet, enjoy. The music and the video feel like magic to me. Sometimes I play it over and over again.

“Fireflies” by Owl City

(Damn. Embedding doesn’t work. You’ll have to click through to the YouTubes. Sorryz.)

OMG! Mickie found a cat in the lobby and she needs someone to foster it! so we are fostering her I named her Abigail we don’t know how old she is but we think she is about how old Puddles and Duckie were back in April 1 and a half month old. But we have to bring her back next week:( mickie said there is no way we can keep her like we did Puddles and Duckie! But the best thing is that she is healthy and some other kittys at the kitty motel have colds:( I will try to post pics soon but I am at my grandparents house and my camera is’nt here becuase my dad dosen’t like cats so we can’t keep her there so that is why we are here. He says 3 is enough cats!!!!!! He ain’t got no sence at all!!!!!!!!! But our old 15 year old cat dosn’t really like anybody around exept me and my mom. so I’m at my grandparent’s house right now so bye

Hello again! Have you noticed I have become quite addicted to blogging, I do hope that it lasts because it is really great to talk.

One thing that I didn’t expect was that just writing a few tips about dating here has meant that more people are coming to my lovely free dating website www.easilyfriends.com.

You can call me old fashioned if you want to, but you know, for me it is such a pleasure to help people find each other and make friends and when they find love it is just wonderful.

If you haven’t been to www.easilyfriends.com do drop by sometime. It is one of the very few websites that can honestly and truthfully boast that it is free and always well be free.

The only pre-requisite we have here is that you must sincerely want to find friends and of course love if you can.

Some water-side heads, which (like the water) were none of the clearest, harboured muddled notions that, because of her dignity and firmness, she was named after, or in some sort related to, the Abbey at Westminster. But Abbey was only short for Abigail, by which name Miss Potterson had been christened at Limehouse Church, some sixty and odd years before.

(Charles Dickens, Our Mutual friend, 1864-5)

The train was leaving , and the girl got inside and she thought she might as well just give up on a talentless passion. As the story about a woman finding her other self was not going to work out anyways . So those thoughts about a passion that never had talent were left there, on the platform of Holborn station. October was a busy and crazy month , I really felt like I couldn’t even close my eyes for a second like I was living above the earth , given to the amount of pressure I put myself into…but there were happy moments, perhaps too many actually and among those happy events are these 5 that I would explain in the following lines:

Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind(Gondry,2004) is one of those films that I watch from time to time , just as I have mentioned before , whenever I watch it I pick up new things and well I have not seen High fidelity in a long time , but these two films pretty much revolve around the same theme that is explored (erm.. maybe exploited )in 500 days of summer(Mark Webb,2009).This film kept me thinking for ages, and it really fascinated me in every manner..yeah I know I’ve been nagging everyone by saying how great this film is , and it’s not because I’m infatuated with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. However when I get obsessed about something I just simply get obsessed and then it’s really hard to get it off my mind for days or even weeks. But oh well, to my eyes , this film tells the story of the side , what I mean by that is simply that is just a story that happened to the lead character of another perfect romantic comedy. The cruel reality of life, a chunk of life that it will obviously continue because that’s what life is all about. The film is composed of amazing editing techniques such as the split -screen sequence on one side we get to see  Tom’s happy  expectations  and the other one we get a sight of the cruel reality_(C’mon , how many of us have gone through the same experience, we dream of a world we cant have and that differs so much from our reality). This split screen sequence is one of the most powerful visual techniques for the audience used in the film , as it’s also followed by one of the most emotional sequence in the film , where the audience can feel the protagonist’s misery(it reminded me a little big of Bergman). There are  so many elements that in another case would definitely disrupt the narrative of a romantic comedy, like the musical and certain cliches that are created for entertainment, however all these elements put up together  make up for one of the films that have entered my top 20 of favourite films of all times.

District 9 (Neil Blompkamp, 2009)

I think the idea of mockumentary has  being overloading mainstream cinema in the last recent years, but again like everything that is exploited because overrated and it would sound more overrated if we combine two genres , a sci-fi film and a mockumentary . But this film transcends the expected unexpected . District 9 is a “realist” film , or at least has that feel  added to it , that makes you believe something that we know it wont happen in real life  , although it might do, Alien plaguing the air and there you are bound to believe they are really living in a slum in South africa, because you really feel like it’s all real . The plot of the film is so energetic, it pushes the  viewer to go beyond their senses in a moralistic and reflective way.Having said that , I  think there won’t be a film like this one in a long time. It’s like one of my housemates mentioned it’s the kind of film you want everyone to watch .

Fantastic Mr Fox(Anderson, 2009)

Black  long dress, cold weather, underground journeys, the red Carpet and Wes Anderson being interviewed just when I’m on way to the cinema while walking the red carpet (oh yeah, sorry I know I sound ridiculous, but it’s true). Fantastic Mr fox, I was in yellowish orangey mood and it just really fit the mood of the day, an autumnal animated film involving  talking foxes.As annoyed farmers attempt to get rid of those who steal their product-chickens-(they should be some vegetarian foxes out there, although I’m not bound to change the rules of nature).Unfortunately for some and fortunate for others, this is a children’s story told in the vision of American  filmmaker Wes Anderson,being this way of course it’s going to stop being a children’s story and would turn into this (oh yeah let’s resolve our problems that we’ve been avoiding to talk in the past).The film is really good for those who adore Anderson as it deals with the same topics found in his previous films, and wow the film is incredibly amazing in terms of visuals.However , I really doubt the film was faithful to the original Dahl’s story in many ways. Oh well it was ok and very enjoyable so I think people should still watch it and judge for themselves.

For the meantime , I’m gonna keep on trying to understand the idea of Direct cinema and the pointless idea of observational mode in Titicut Follies (Frederick Wiseman ,1961).How exciting!!!

Last Saturday, our dear friend Taylor Swift hosted SNL and was the musical guest. Her hosting was SO GOOD, you guys! Someone get that girl into my television all the time! Acting though, not singing. I like her singing in my radio. When she’s in my television her singing is weaker and her hand motions are way melodramatic. But her acting? AWESOME. Did you catch it? If not, we’ve got some of the best skits. Find the rest on the NBC site. For the first time in a while SNL made me laugh in at least half their skits. When they’re good, they’re real good. And Taylor owned this stuff.

Opening Monologue: “Monologue Song (La La La)”

“Roomies”

The best Twilight spoof evs: “Firelight”

I don’t know what this is about, but everyone is so awesome. We’ve got Natalie Merchant, Jennifer Hudson, Shakira, and more!: “Bunny Business”

And here’s a bonus clip for you Ellen and Taylor fans outs there:

We’re introducing a new feature at Big Damn Heroes this morning: TV Trajectory!

Now that you’ve had a chance to catch up with your DVR over the weeekend, we’re micro-recapping (and charting) what happened on TV last week.  Need a refresher before new episodes air this week? Want a place to talk rehash what happened? Want to know if your favorite shows soaring or plummeting? We’re here for you!

Micro-recaps after the break!

Office: B+, Incredibly awkward watching Michael Scott break up with Pam’s mom, but it was true to character, and some of his lines were spot on (still upset that they recast her). Felt kind of betrayed for the second week in a row by the appearance of Bitch Pam. The Andy/Dwight B plot was sufficiently amusing, but not as clever as past bits. (Last week: B+)

V: B-, Creepy, but still missing something. Would appreciate more humor, but it’s pretty solid for a pilot. Angry about Alan Tudyk being a bad guy again, hoping that it veers from the old show’s storylines a lot more.

Grey’s Anatomy: A-, Dare I say it? This show is pretty good again. The Chief keeps throwing hissy fits, but he got his ass kicked a little this week, and I like that with the disappearance of Izzy (thank GOD) and the recovery of Meredith from surgery, we get to know the supporting players more. The new doctors from the Mercy West merger are also pretty interesting (even if Nora Zehetner does need to grow her hair out). (Last Week: A)

Bones: B+, It’s hard to remember the murder plot when Booth and Brennan stare at each other as deeply as they did for ten solid minutes in the closing scene. As always, the best thing about Bones is the complex moral quandaries it poses but does not answer. (To save a single pig or not to save a single pig, that is the question.) Love the Angela/Wendell hook-up. Love the multilayered dialogue in the closing scene. “It can wait. I trust you.” (Last Week: B+)

Modern Family: A+, The best half hour of TV so far this season. Best lines: “It was the Emerald City at the end of my Yellow Brick Road.” “Wow, you’ve done it. You’ve made figure skating sound even gayer.” And, oh, that figure skating.(Last Week: A)

Ugly Betty: B, This season is infinitely better than last season. In fact, this season is what should have happened last season, and now Betty is in the death slot and it is too late to revive her! Last week, Betty finally attended a party by herself and realized she didn’t have to throw away career for a dude or her family. Bummed that the writers are taking the cheap way out with Daniel’s new grief-counseling friend, glad Willi’s daughter will be gone soon. Yaya DaCosta, you are no Gabrielle Union.(Last week: B)

Gossip Girl: B, The gayest episode of Gossip Girl ever. Which is saying something. (Something awesome.) (Last week: B)

HIMYM: A, solid A per the usual. We get Marshall doing his “I rock at being in relationships” shtick which always manages to beat out Barney’s “I’m a womanizer, what up” shtick. Plus, return of the slap bet! The only thing that’s keeping this from an A+ is the lack of significant flashforwards or backs. (Last week: A+)

30 Rock: B, There are a lot of extra people filling up 30 Rockefeller for TGS auditions so we don’t get very much Liz or Tracy, boo hoo. However, Jack falls in love with a robot so WIN! (Last week: A-)

Parks & Recreation: A-, Megan Mullaly guest stars as Ron Swanson’s ex-wife Tammy. Did you guys know they’re married IRL? It’s true. Ron rocks it (and her) (inappropriately) before Leslie fixes things. (Oh, Leslie.) Also, Andy talks about the economy. (Last week: A)

Check back next Monday for another edition of TV Trajectory. Let us know what you thought of last week’s TV in the comments!

So not only did SJP and Matthew Broderick have twins, they’ve generated double the press with their name choices.

First came the announcement that the girls were named Marion Loretta Elwell and Tabitha Hodge.  Which was followed by chatter about how Marion and Tabitha were mismatched, and wasn’t it unfair that poor Tabitha had just two given names?

Now we learn that  SJP and Matthew Broderick call their girls Loretta and Tabitha - and that firstborn James Wilkie was responsible for choosing the name Marion.  And he was wily enough to insist that it be legal, which is why the parents put Marion first, rather than tucking her in the middle.  (Weigh in on Yea or Nay: Loretta here.  So far, opinion is split pretty evenly.)

When I asked Aly what he wanted to name his pterodactyl (no, not a real one.  This isn’t Torchwood), he told me December.  Which I find strangely appealing.  Nonetheless, I’m glad we didn’t let him (seriously) weigh in on his sister’s name.

In other starbaby news:

• Jane Carrey has announced that her dad, funnyman Jim Carrey is about to be a grandpa. Apparently, Jane and boyfriend Alex Santana have already settled on the name Jackson Riley;
• Alicia Minshew of All My Children welcomed a daughter, Willow Lenora;
• Layla Kayleigh, host of America’s Best Dance Crew, and Steve Corvino, of Sirius Radio, announced the birth of a daughter, Melody Rain;
• Model Karolina Kurkova is new mom to son Tobin Jack;
• Footballer Wayne Rooney and wife Colleen are the parents of a son, Kai Wayne;
• And, of course, Mel Gibson is a father for the EIGHTH time.  He and girlfriend welcomed daughter Lucia.  Mel’s first seven kids are Hannah, Edward, Christian, William, Louis, Milo and Thomas.

Elsewhere online:

• I love the Nymbler stats!  October’s Top Ten is as follows: Charlotte, Ava, Amelia, Benjamin, Ella, Grace, Jack, Finn, Oliver and Abigail.  And the Top Five brand new names?  It’s quite the celeb-driven list: Sparrow, Anniston, Huckleberry, October and Pixie;
• Remind me to take Nancy along the next time I’m facing a long drive somewhere.  She’s traveling the highways and by-ways of Mississippi while reading the phone book to spot unusual real names!  Her lists are fascinating – check out the sixth in the series here, and follow the links back.  You just know there are stories behind names like Jaston, Tavarius and Hacksaw.  Plus she’s discovered several people with the name Toxie;
• Wladimir Lyra of the Max Planck Institute for Astronomy in Heidelberg is pushing to give names to the known exoplanets.  (Hat tip to Language Log.)  Scientists are discovering planets outside of the solar system at a gallop – they’re at 400 and counting.  The sage fonts of wisdom at the International Astronomical Union feel that it would be impractical to name them all.  Instead, they assign strings of numbers and letters.  Too bad – I know we could all put our heads together and name 400 planets in no time – Jaston, Tavarius and Hacksaw are all available;
• Over at For Real Baby Names, there’s mention of a British Minne Jane Snoo.  Please, please, please let Snoo be a family name and not a clever twist on Boo.  In happier news, her list also includes a Hero Charlotte Moranna and a Flora Isabella Minette;
• While I’m spotting trends that trouble me, Bewildertrix brings us Xzavia Paul William.  But there’s also a Serena Alice Louisa, little sister to Verity.  And I’ve seen Verity in a few other BAs recently;
• Lastly, check out Elisabeth’s post on Country baby names over at You Can’t Call It “It”.  While not all of these conjure up haystacks and John Deere for me, maybe that’s because I’m already hearing them on kids inside the DC Beltway – Clio has classmates called Mabel and Ida, and I know fashion-forward urbaniste parents with offspring answering to Polly, Earl and Roscoe;
• A year ago, I wrote about Matilda and Luke.

That’s all for this week – as always, thanks for reading.