I think I think about my body image, on average, a couple of times every hour I’m awake. I think about it when I get dressed, when I look in the mirror, when I go to the bathroom, when I see skinnier friends, when I see bigger friends, when I see an old picture of me, when I see skinny customers, when I see a celebrity, when I see someone of the opposite sex I find attractive, etc. That’s a lot of things. It’s a real bummer.

It’s so irrational I’ve thought things like, “If I met Johnny Depp, he’d probably think I looked like a cow.” When in realty, I’m never going to meet Johnny Depp, and if I did, he’d have no reason to find me unattractive, and even if he did find me attractive, it’s not like he’d fall in love with me! I WORRY OVER MY WEIGHT BECAUSE I MAY JUST SO HAPPEN TO BUMP INTO JOHNNY DEPP! That’s SO STUPID!

Anyway — I don’t know how many times I’ve rambled on about how unhappy I am with my weight. How many times have I said I was going to exercise? A billion. Anyone who reads this blog is probably sick and tired of it.

All I know is I DO NOT want to be at this weight. I just took some “modeling” pictures and I hate how I look in most of them. It’s really amazing how much weight I’ve gained. Don’t get me wrong — I’m at an average weight. I’m not fat. Not even chubby. I’m still slender but in my eyes — I’m “fat.”

My recovery is still going. Still going to program and still working the steps. Or at least trying to. My job is stressing me out — I think I’m going to give a two weeks notice in two weeks. I got another job as a tutor.

Så er der nyt musik fra muckfaya!

Håber i kan lide det.

Smil,

Maya Muckfaya

One of the worst things about being married to an addict (other than all of the crying and despair) is the shame. I am ashamed of the fact that I haven’t run screaming from the situation by now. I’m ashamed that, even though I know I will only be hurt and let down, I keep allowing myself to get sucked back in. I know he’s lying, but I fool myself into believing that maybe he’s being honest, that this time is different, that everything will be ok. I’m always let down, and then I am so disappointed in myself for being so freakin’ stupid.

I’m too ashamed to tell anyone else…I don’t want then knowing what an idiot I am. I know the thoughts that will go through their minds. I’ve had those thoughts before about others who I’ve known to be in bad relationships: “Why doesn’t she just leave? Why does she put herself through that?” I know that at first, they’ll feel bad for me, pity me. But after several times around the block, always with the same outcome, they’ll just feel frustration. They’ll roll their eyes and feel contempt. They’ll think of me as stupid and weak…the way I think of myself.

There’s other shame too. We live in a small town. Everybody knows about my husband’s problem. He owes so many people money. He’s lied to and manipulated pretty much everybody we know. I can’t go anywhere without running into someone who’s familiar with the situation. I’m so ashamed of him, I just want to run and hide. I go out of my way to avoid people I know, because I can see what they’re thinking.

I feel terrible for my children. They don’t know what’s going on, but I know that other parents who know my husband look down on them because their father is a junkie. It kills me to think that someone thinks negatively about them because of him. That maybe their friends won’t be allowed to come over and play because of him. They don’t deserve that.

I also feel shame for being ashamed. They always say that “Drug addiction is a disease, like cancer. You wouldn’t look down on someone with cancer, would you?” No, I sure wouldn’t. But I have a hard time with that comparison. My husband knowingly began using drugs for the fun of it. He wasn’t one of those addicts that hurt themselves and became addicted to the pain management medication. He started using, knowing he would become addicted. He was well aware of the dangers of pills. His mother and cousin are horribly addicted to pills. He feels pity and disgust for them. And yet he still made the choice to start using. His disease was voluntary, and I have a hard time feeling sorry for that.

I’m ashamed of that, and I’m ashamed that I am still in this situation with practically no hope that it will improve. My trust has been broken so many times that I only expect the worst. Maybe it’s a self-fufilling prophecy, and things won’t get better until I change my outlook. I’m not sure I can do that.

My husband (I’ll call him Jerkface, because that’s the G-rated version of how I feel about him right now…if things get better, maybe he’ll graduate to a nicer name) and I have been together for more than a decade. We’ve been married for almost three years. We did things a bit backwards and had two children before the marriage thing. Our kids are great…they’re the only things that hold me together. They’re both super smart and have great hearts. They don’t deserve any of this.

Jerkface has always had a problem with addiction…it runs in his family. His grandfather was an alcoholic, his mother has a addiction to Xanax and god only knows what else (more about her later),  his cousin has his own heavy addiction to OxyContin. Before I even met him, Jerkface had a heroin habit, which he kicked. But he’s always had a preference towards pills. I was no angel when we met, either. We were very much into the party scene…extacy, lsd, special k, nitrous, coke, you name it. I was young and it was fun. I had no responsibilities and could throw my life away without affecting anyone. So Jerkface and I met when he was 19 and I was 20. We partied through 6 months, and then I got pregnant (oops). After that, I decided it was time to grow up. I quit all of the stuff, got a regular job and tried to fix the damage I had done to my life. Jerkface did the same, but never really quit the stuff. He still smoked pot (regularly) and occasionally popped pills. It was better, but the drug use was still present. He had his ups and downs, for sure, but there seemed to be more ups at that point. After a few months, we decided to get away from where we were living (no jobs, rent was too expensive) and moved in with his mother until we could find an apartment. Things went a bit downhill. His mother has quite the addiction to pills, and she has no qualms about sharing with her son. Jerkface started getting bad, and we moved across the country to get away from the temptations that Jerkface couldn’t resist and moved closer to my family up north.

Things were okay for a while. Jerkface got a good job, we found an apartment, I stayed home with the baby for a few months then also got a job as a receptionist. I even enrolled in a college degree program. After we met some locals, he got back into the recreational drug use.  We continued down this path for a few years. He began to use a bit more often, but it still didn’t seem to be anything that was too worrisome.

I got pregnant again and had a beautiful baby girl. After that, things got worse. Jerkface was out a lot doing god knows what. He was making a lot of money at his job, but was spending it almost as fast as he could make it. I had taken a waitressing job at night so we wouldn’t have to pay daycare for two small children. Jerkface seemed to resent that he had to stay home with the kids at night. We fought all of the time, and he constantly accused me of cheating on him (which I never ever did). He was paranoid and aggravated and made my life miserable. Eventually, he seemed to snap out of it, I went back to daytime work, and things were better again.

So we got married. It was one of the happiest times of my life. We had so much fun on our honeymoon and I felt like our life together would be nothing but sunshine. Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for the storms to come rolling in.

I don’t know what it was, but almost as soon as we got back, he got back into drugs (OxyContin, and heroin, and any other opioid he could get his hands on)…bad. Maybe he realized that we were married and he could get away with more, I don’t know. He began spending all of his paycheck on a regular basis, leaving the bills to me. I had a decent job at this point, so it was doable…not easy, but doable. We fought a lot. He lied all of the time. I didn’t know what to do. I just lived with things as they were for a while. He got worse and worse. Eventually, his  paycheck wasn’t enough to cover his habits and he began dipping into my money. He would take cash out of my wallet without me knowing. Then he began using my debit card and taking money out of my account without permission. I changed my PIN and wouldn’t give it to him. He found other ways of stealing from me…he would take my card and, using it like a credit card (no PIN necessary), would buy cartons of cigarettes or WalMart gift cards and trade them for drugs. Checks bounced, overdraft fees piled up, and he denied, denied, denied. He would steal checks from my checkbook and write them to himself (if he knew I had money in my account) or to his dealers or to someone who thought he was their friend, convincing them to give him money in exchange for the check.

He would stay up all night and sleep all day, missing work. He was never around, unless he was sleeping on the couch. He eventually lost his job of 8 years because of his addiction. He got another job a month later, only to do the same thing, losing that job about a month after he started. This was all around the time when the bottom dropped out of the economy, and there were no more jobs to be found.

He continued stealing from me, we fought constantly. He convinced me that he was depressed, and that was why he was turning to drugs. e went to the doctor and was put on depression meds. They didn’t help, at least not for very long. He kept stealing and lying and using. It was the darkest time in my life. My mortgage was falling further and further behind. I couldn’t make enough money to keep us afloat. I cried, screamed, fought, yelled, guilted…nothing worked.

Things got a little better, and Jerkface seemed to be on the upswing. He had finally admitted he had a problem and it seemed like he was really trying to overcome. He had found a job and was going to work every day. I hoped it was all over. I was out of town on business for a week. I made the mistake of leaving my checkbook behind. During the 5 days I was gone, he wrote over $1000 in bad checks (knowing I had no money in my account). He had pulled the trick of convincing a friend to give him cash for a check (actually, a few checks). When the checks bounced, she called me, pissed. She threatened to go to the police and tell them that Jerkface was forging checks in my name unless he paid her back immediately (about $350). He didn’t have any money and I wasn’t giving him any more money to fix his problems. He ended up giving her his car, which was worth about 15 times what he owed her, to avoid her going to the cops.

I found out he pulled the same check scam with a 17 year old girl that lives in our neighborhood and with several other people. My account was so far overdrawn, I couldn’t bring it current soon enough, and the bank closed it. I still can’t get another checking account. My credit cards are all gone, because he was stealing so much money from me that I couldn’t pay them.

After that, I was done. I told him I wanted a divorce. He moved in with a friend down the street for a while (he took our remaining car and left me without transportation), and I tried to begin putting my life back together. After about a month, he came back. He wanted to get better. He wanted to have a normal life. He began going to NA meetings. He really tried at first. I believed him. I let him move back in and sleep on the couch and tried to help him through. It didn’t take long for him to slip. He began to steal and lie again. We’ve been through this cycle a couple of times. And that’s pretty much where we are now.

He tells me he’s trying to wean himself off the pills, but he can’t quit cold turkey or he’ll go through terrible withdrawals. He’s still spending way too much money, and I have my doubts about his convictions. Right now, I’m taking it day by day, and I have no idea what today will bring. He used last night (at least he’s not trying to hide it anymore) and right now he’s sleeping on the couch as our children watch cartoons next to him. It breaks my heart. I miss the real him. This other person he’s become sucks. He’s either a pill-induced annoying idiot, or sleeping, or a complete jerk. I just want him to come back. He was so funny and sweet and loving and fun. Now he’s completely consumed and will do anything to get what he needs. I just want my best friend back, and I don’t know what to do to find him. He’s becoming more and more lost inside his addiction.

My husband is addicted to prescription painkillers, namely OxyContin. I’ve been battling this for several years. A few months ago, it came to mind that writing  about it might help me to process all of the crap I’ve gone through (and continue to go through). For me, one of the hardest things about this whole situation is feeling completely alone.

My husband has his first love (drugs), and as much as I try to be a part of his recovery, I’m not. I could never understand what he’s dealing with. I’ve never been very close with my family. My sister knows the most about my situation, but she lives across the country, and phone/email conversations just don’t translate very well. My life has been so consumed by this that I don’t have much of a network of friends for support, except for work friends, and unleashing all of this on them is embarrassing and not exactly good for my career. I’m a smart person, and I feel like anyone who knows what I’m going through just looks at me and wonders why the hell I don’t just leave him. I’ve become that girl…the one people feel sorry for, but not too sorry, because she ’s sticking around by choice. How sorry can you feel for someone like that? I know that much of it is probably in my head…that if I were to reach out, I could probably find support. I know that my shame and embarrassment facilitate my loneliness. But I’m not able to get past that just yet.

So I’m alone. And it’s hard…I’m faced with situations everyday that completely overwhelm me, and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. Even if I did, how could they relate unless they’ve been through it? I try to talk to my husband about how I feel, but he’s so consumed by his demons it doesn’t feel like I get through at all. I’ve become this solitary person (I’ve always been semi-solitary…but it has gotten worse lately). I’ve got all of this crap going on in my head that I need to process, and I’m sure there are other people out there who feel the same…there must be, right?

So I started this blog. Mainly to help me get my feelings down and to give me an outlet for my anger, frustrations, depression, fear, loneliness, rage, shame, and all of the other feelings that come along with living through the addiction of a loved one. And if someone else stumbles across this and they can relate, great! I know what it’s like to just need to know you’re not the only one going through this.

I’m not saying the way I’m dealing with my husband’s opiate addiction is right. I make mistakes all of the time…mistakes I know I shouldn’t be making, which are the worst kind. I just need a place to share my journey. I hope it helps.

Not Rated Women’s Addict Pump Review

Feature

Overview
This pump from Not Rated is a must for any fashion Addict. The plaid upper features glossy, perforated overlays at the toe and heel, while the textured rubber outsole is flexible and durable.
Specifications
Direct attention towards your style Plaid textile upper Cushioned footbed 3-1/4″ heel Trendy bow detail

Nov 28, 2009 06:15:07

Three reasons for Thai prostitutes to have sex with the guys.
1. They are so poor, and they and their families need to eat.
2. The gangsters force them to do.
3. The teenagers like to waste money so fast, so they want to make money so fast, too.

The Pink and Anywho, Drawing by Sw Eden
**This is censor version, because wordpress is public website (I want to keep it safe); and if you want to see un-censor, you have to be 18+ and just login via Yahoo account, then click on this picture and the next one is un-censor.

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1. They are so poor, and they and their families need to eat.
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The poor women who cannot find any other jobs also need to eat, and their families need to eat, too. This problems can have everywhere in the world, not only in Thailand. A friend of my friend had to prostitute herself because her mother got cancer. She was just a college student and she had no money. Her father did not be with her anymore. (I can say that most of Thai guys are not different from other countries, they like to have second wife. Thailand does not have a law as in USA that the ex-husband has to pay for his ex-wife.) Lastly she got HIV. I am so sorry for her, a nice daughter. I did talk with my friends about her. If anyone is in this situation, he/she should as other people for help rather than just hurting oneself. The mass media always love to help everyone. If there is really no way to do other things, they said that she should have let her mother died, because her mother would be so sad to see her daughter got HIV or being slut.

One of Thai Christian pedagogues I know went down into a brothel. He asked a slut why that have to work right here, and she answered that she was poor. These women do not have opportunity to meet nice people or high-class people. Most of them actually use many rude words. Some are nice to talk with, too. My music teacher had worked on coping illegal albums in Patpong, and he has a lot of slut friends. After that he just did something so opposite, that is he became a music teacher in Catholic school, and I was his student. In fact, Patpong is just one block away from that school. The afternoon and the evening are so different. We can walk as the students or businessmen in the afternoon, and if we are good enough, we have to escape at night.

Bus Window, Photo by Sw Eden on Flickr

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2. The gangsters force them to do.
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Unbelievable, Thailand still has a lot of Gangsters (abducting) as well as Japan has a lot of Yakuza gangs. Many times, they abduct Thai girls into the vans and sell them to other countries around Thailand. This also reflect in some Thai country music. Mike Piromporn sang that The evil yakusa drunken his girlfriend and force her to prostitute for their money.

All are just like in the movie that the police cannot disturb some big gangsters. All movies were token based on the reality. That is where the idea comes from. The gangsters do not catch the girls only for being sluts, but they also kidnap the children and cut out their arms and legs, and push them to be beggar. They dropped these poor kids on the street in the morning, and took them back at night. They can make a lot of money from this hell business.

Another way to force a girl to prostitute herself is taking the video of first-time raping, and then threaten her to continue next videos. Most of the girls are shy and scared to tell the police. Or they get detained in the windowless rooms. They may make the girls to be drug addict, and those girls have to do whatever for the drug.

Frabric in a Market, Photo by Sw Eden on Flickr

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3. The teenagers like to waste money so fast, so they want to make money so fast, too.
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The last reason is for the happy teenagers who love to be whores, because they waste money very fast. At Siam Center, Bangkok, many teenagers decorate their old shirts and trousers to sell to other teenagers on the street. When they get the money, they just walk into the stores and get the new things. Some teenagers think that this way to get the money is very slow. The prize of a shirt is just 100 bahts. If they were whores, they could earn 1,000 baht an hour.

Some parents do not care, and most parents do not know. This down-hell economy, all people get less money. The teenagers cannot live only with the food, but they want a luxurious life with brand-name goods, and some want to decorate their boyfriends’ motorcycle. If you walk on the street at night in Bangkok (some areas), you will see groups of girls waiting for their customers. Almost are pretty, as you know, almost Thai girls are so pretty. For example, comparing between New York subway and Thai subway, in the same capacity of subway car, Thailand has more beautiful girl than New York.

Many foreigners got confused between bad girls and good girls in Thailand. Some of them think that all women in Thailand are sluts. The middle class people do not teach their children to be sluts. They are all educated, and they have good places to work. Most of them work in office, and some own the business. The past government did some mistake about promoting Thailand. Thai government usually promotes the adventures in Thailand. The visitors always love to do journal into the ocean, do the hiking, float the boat in a dangerous water fall, camping and dancing around bonfire. Wow! I love that, too. One of those people in the past, did promote prostitution in Thailand, and after that Thailand is so well-known about this worst thing.

Sw Eden’s hand Drawing in Subway : Hideto Matsumoto (Hide)

Online whores still exist. The information they give online are the nick-name, height, weight, personal identity, ethnic, photo, body-shape, age, level of education, and they do not tell exactly where they study, but they say the location of their school; so people can guess very easy. Almost sweet, cute and love to dress up. I bet they are cuter than Japanese porn-star. They are much much cuter and younger than those Thai women you search via search engine. The prize is about 2,000-5,000 bahts, which is different from those on the street with the prize 500-1,000 bahts. I am not their supporter, and I do not want Thailand to be just like this. If half of teenagers did porn, how Thailand can grow up to be developed country. I love my country. I will talk about the part of bad boys later.

“Prostitution is revolution” a part of Cobra Starship’s Lyrics of Prostitution Is The World’s Oldest Profession (And I, Dear Madame, Am A Professional). This band is fun actually. Lately I could not get the ticket to get into their show. All are sold out.

Check out this video posted on you tube by a girl freaked out because of his boyfriends gaming addiction, she just smashes his Xbox 360, watch the vid

So, I dunno about everyone else, but, I have a thing for basics. I like the things that you can wear with anything; because of that, I decided to add some basic turtlenecks to my clothing collection for both men and women.  I also released a version that is a little more risque for anyone wanting to turn up the heat or…if you just want your man to look at you and see how cold it is outside.

For women, I released a version that I think looks pretty soft.  My friend said it looked like cashmere so it kinda got that as its name.  It comes in a wide assortment of colours to meet everyone’s taste (I hope).  It also comes in all layers with sculpted neck and sleeve attachments.

Since I make so many colours, I introduced colour packs at my store with this last release; since fatpacks of like, 20 colours can be a bit much for the inventory to handle.  Now you can get 4 colour Plump Packs of my newest female items and hopefully, some of the older ones in the near future.

I didn’t forget about the guys either.  I also released a set of turtlenecks for men.  It comes in not as many colours, simply because I don’t see many men running around in doll pink, peach or pale yellow.  It happens, just not often.  To make things a little better for the guys, I included two sleeve types, one that is long sleeved and the other that is slightly rolled up.  Again, they come in all layers for wear with jackets or as sleeves underneath tee shirts, etc. and have sculpted sleeve and neck attachments.  I also introduced colour packs for guys, all colours are available in the Husky Pack or get a set of 3 colours in the Lil Chub Packs.

Last but not least, the something risque…While I was working on the turtlenecks, a thought came to mind.  Winter = female built in thermostats.  I giggled a bit and made this crop.   Then I thought, hey, I never saw piercings done in SL under shirts.  They may have them but I’ve never seen them.  Well, the other two versions of this happened next.  This top also comes in like a gazillion colours and each colour has three options.  One for pierced with hoops, one for pierced with barbells and the last, non-pierced.  As always, all layers.

STYLE NOTES:

Photo 1 (from left to right)

1: Zarabella Ming

Skin: Redgrave (info coming soon) http://slurl.com/secondlife/REDGRAVE%20Womens%20Fashion/242/231/23

Hair: *SHOP SEU* –sexy hair [ black ]– http://slurl.com/secondlife/Shiradin/215/225/3330

Pants: *BOOM* Fall Tweeds (Forrest) http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/181/38/22

Shoes: (info coming soon)

Top: *BOOM* It’s Nipply (green) http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/181/38/22

Top2: *BOOM* The Cashmere (purple) http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/181/38/22

2: Claire Dallin

Skin: Cake-Bella Skin http://slurl.com/secondlife/FNKY%20Cake/129/76/26

Hair: Truth -Gabby http://slurl.com/secondlife/Truth%20Hair/107/26/25

Pants: *BOOM* Gettin Low V2 Blue http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/181/38/22

Top: *BOOM* The Cashmere (dark blue) http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/181/38/22

Shoes: Miel Janes -mono  http://slurl.com/secondlife/The%20Deck/73/58/21

Glasses: Miel (I think) http://slurl.com/secondlife/The%20Deck/73/58/21

3: Aranel Ah

Skin: FS Skin – Fiona (Red Gloss) http://slurl.com/secondlife/Inizio/189/180/26

Hair: >TRUTH< Trina – espresso http://slurl.com/secondlife/Truth%20Hair/107/26/25

Pants: *BOOM* Seaman Pants -Mud http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/181/38/22

Jacket:**DP** yumyum tweed jacket -brown http://slurl.com/secondlife/itutu/116/108/1001

Top: *BOOM* The Cashmere (cream) http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/181/38/22

Shoes: Redgrave  BOOTS-smoke http://slurl.com/secondlife/REDGRAVE%20Womens%20Fashion/242/231/23

Photo 2:

1/2&3: Trallion Suen

Skin: <TheAbyss> [ SKIN ][ Adam Crius_Origin ] http://slurl.com/secondlife/The%20Abyss/96/136/237

Hair: *SH* Magnoria-I Hair(Black) http://slurl.com/secondlife/Reishi/80/31/23

Jeans: *BOOM* Gettin Low Jean med v2 http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/181/38/22

Top: *BOOM* Basic Turtleneck versions (m1) and (m2) in (grey) & (cream) and (black) http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/181/38/22

Shoes: TonkTastic – Short Combat Boots http://slurl.com/secondlife/Rhododendron%20Island/222/230/2004

Pants: {Gisaci} Ruvido Slacks – Cioccolato http://slurl.com/secondlife/Armidi/135/127/26

Jacket: Armidi – (m) Classic Pinstripe Blazer [Chocolate] http://slurl.com/secondlife/Armidi/135/127/26

Photo3: (left to right) -

Pose Set:  Slash Me Poses  http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/182/86/21

1. Claire Dallin

Skin: Cake-Bella Skin http://slurl.com/secondlife/FNKY%20Cake/129/76/26

Hair: Maitreya (info coming soon) http://slurl.com/secondlife/Maitreya%20Isle/178/175/23

Top: *BOOM* It’s Nipply Barbells – black http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/181/38/22

Pants: *BOOM* Gettin Low V2 Indigo http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/181/38/22

Shoes: (info coming soon)

Necklace: (info coming soon)

2. Aranel Ah

Skin: Lelutka Eclat Light - http://slurl.com/secondlife/LeLutka/250/108/23

Hair:  fri. – Neva – Cynical Black http://slurl.com/secondlife/Friday/155/129/32

Top: *BOOM* It’s Nipply -hoops- (pink) http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/181/38/22

Pants: *BOOM* Gettin Low V2 Blue  http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/181/38/22

Shoes: Redgrave BOOTS -smoke  http://slurl.com/secondlife/REDGRAVE%20Womens%20Fashion/242/231/23

Earrings:  [[SHADE THRONE]] over drama earrings  http://slurl.com/secondlife/tamalou%20island/201/204/25

Tattoo:  Addict -swack-  http://slurl.com/secondlife/Golden%20Eye/215/57/26

Side photos show: *BOOM* It’s Nipply in Red (non pierced), Teal (barbells) and Pink (hoops)    http://slurl.com/secondlife/Existence/181/38/22

I’ve realized that my personal training and massage business has had its greatest year during the worst for the economy. Am I that good at instructing for proper exercise sets and reps; is my massage technique somehow better than my competitors’?

Usually when I consider the meaning of my profession and its success I am dumbfounded. Surely anyone can download a workout from the Internet or use computer software or a DVD to get in shape, or simply take a walk; and massage clinics are popping up everywhere.

That perhaps is the point. I am anything but clinical in my approach to training or treating. I care. I care about my clients as human beings. I have come out of my own saga and story understanding that my mistakes stemmed from a simultaneous fear of and need for human connection. Like any reformed addict, I can see the future ‘rock bottoms’ of many others. I can see the need, and it isn’t a physical one, though we always choose to attack the physical to affect the internal, don’t we? I certainly did while Chasing Beauty, the target of which was my outward image.

People have perhaps a collective, suppressed need to sense our internal selves. We have become a society of outwardly attainment-oriented analytics, and have little use for feelings. Or, so we’d like to intellectualize to ourselves.

One of my clients recently mused about me, “I wonder how it is that a women of your intellect can be so emotional.” It is maybe because my intellect, evidently unlike many, understands the need of the sensitive yin for its smart yang, for a balanced existence.

I used to approach my business from the mission statement of trying to coach clients out of their heads and into their bodies. Now I realize that my real success might be due to coaching some out of their heads and into their hearts. In my sessions during which I make a real human connection with a client, encourage him or her to pay attention to what psychology is guiding their logic, I feel that I have truly succeeded as a wellness provider.

So, in answer to the question from my client, my mind understands that emotion ultimately dominates intellect. When that happens in others, I hope that they will find somebody like myself. Somebody who can empathize. Somebody who has suffered, and survived.

Through helping others to connect with their own humanity I may have found the way to live with mine without fear…without useless beauty.

ChasingBeauty.com

During my childhood, I did not have choices. I had things forced upon on my little childlike body. The word “no” did not exist in my vocabulary. I had never heard the word boundaries. Let alone know I could have them.

However, within the past year I have figured out that now, I can choose things. I have chosen to return to school. I have chosen not fight therapy and to just let professionals help me. I am starting to choose who I show love to.

The most important thing that I did choose was to start my journey of healing. I could have picked a very different path than I did. I could have become an addict, or a criminal. I could have chosen to stay a victim but I decided to call myself a survivor.

Recently my mother told me “I am self-centered and selfish for not giving someone a hug”.

I thought about what she said, I realized something. The first 22 years of my life, it was about everyone else.

While I experienced long-term sadistic abuse as a child. I kept my abuse a secret unconsciously because I was worried about how it would ruin the family image. My family stole my childhood away from me because of the unrealistic image they choose to show others.  They enabled my abusers for years until one of them died.

Selfish actually means caring only about oneself and I do not see anything wrong with that. At this point in my journey, I need to work on self-care. I am learning that it is ok and very healthy to establish boundaries.

I will not let others control my life. I will not do anything that I do not feel comfortable doing. If someone gets offended by not getting a hug, too bad. I am an adult now and a survivor. I make decisions for myself based on what makes me feel safe.

Therefore, “Self-centered” and “selfish”…damn right I am!

Today.
I’m feeling a mixture of things.
Bummed, overwhelmed, dissatisfied, slow…I can go on.

I know what the problem is, and I know how it needs to be fixed. I find myself looking for those quick answers and solutions, but for this there are none.

I’m still having problems locating a good support group online for myself. I’ve found an abundance of groups set up for the addict, but none really exist for the spouse/partner side of things. Of these that do exist, those involved are so busy and wrapped up on labelling and tagging you with the co-dependent they tend to overlook that not everyone is. It’s incredibly frustrating…

One of the things that really have me bummed out are the success rates of relationships that have gone through something like this. Whether the addict has managed to become clean or not, the future from what I can see is bleak. One part of me, knows…knows full well that if help isn’t sought we are splitting. This does not cause me any concern because it’s a firm decision that I’ve made and ready for. There is the part of that wonders if he does manage to do this, if we are going to make it as a couple. I’ve never known him to be anything but a user.
Things will change, it is inevitable. This leads to “what if’s”. What if after we go through all of this, we discover that we just really don’t like each other? Seems an odd question, but one that is quite possible. What surprises me there, is that while I’m willing to let him go at this moment, the thought of things not working in a clean future makes me…well it makes me sad. I don’t know if this is normal to feel this way or not, so I ask.

Another thing that causes some concern for me personally is the severity of the problem. One thing I’ve quickly come to realize is that our situation could be a whole lot worse in regards to his addiction. Seeing and reading experience after experience, I know it could be a lot worse. There is a problem though, and while it’s not as severe as other it is still quite a real problem. How do I not minimize what is happening and keep the focus of what I need to do to get through this? And again I ask…

Telling me, “have faith in the high power!”, “what attracts you to this personality type?” or “did you grow up with alcoholics?” do not answer my questions. Telling me that people are not unique individuals, and the circumstances of how they got where they are do not vary, is not an answer. Hell, responding to an answer with a question is not an answer!

For once, just once I would like to hear that it is not my fault that he is the one that has chosen to put things to his mouth and inhaled or swallowed. I did not hold a gun to his head or a knife to his throat and tell him all life’s problem would be resolved, if he just inhaled, swallowed and remembered a towel and that the answer was 42! (A little galaxy hitchhiker reference there)

I accept my own role and responsibilities in this. It is well beyond time he accepted his.

“…And booze was always there for me,” he continued when the crowd had quieted.  “My favorite drink was Wild Turkey… cause they named it after me.  So I had to drink it.

“Anyway, coming from a poor family, I always had to earn everything I got.  I graduated from trade school, and I became an aerospace designer.  Then I graduated as an engineer, and I became one of them people… 27 years in engineering.  I worked on many aerospace projects, and I did it loaded.

“I got married at 20 – divorced at 22.  That was a good two years.  I stayed pretty loaded most of that time.

“But then I caught her in bed with my best friend…

“Divorced her; moved in with him.

“True story,” he decreed over the audience’s mirth.  “But it’s okay… cause I learned how to forgive.  I forgave them both because we were still partying.  It was all good.

“You know, I don’t know about most of you, but for me, drugs and alcohol was fabulous.  Fab-you-lous.  I had a great life.  I was using and abusing.  I was on fire in the fast lane.  Anybody here ever live life in the fast lane?”  He chuckled unabashed as many raised their hands.  “Yeah, we got some takers.

“You see, for me… drugs and alcohol worked real good.  They killed that pain; they took away that anger.  Drugs and alcohol were like a false courage.  And because of that, I proceeded to do things that were dangerous.  I proceeded to drag race cars.  I rolled a Datsun pickup truck… loaded… at 80 miles per hour… me and a buddy in there.

“You know, that was the first day ever that I didn’t wear seatbelts.  I was coming back from trade school in Arizona at Christmastime.  Me and my buddy had been driving all night when we made it to the last passing lane in Santa Paula.  I was trying to pass one more truck when I lost control of it, and it was gone.”  His hand shot outward, his fingers flicking as if the truck had just flew away.

“When that truck rolled, my buddy went out the side window and I stayed in it for one more roll; then I came out the side window.  Both of us got tossed up instead of out, and we landed on the side of the road.  Alive and unharmed.”

“So you see, there’s more times than you got fingers and toes that I should have been dead due to drugs and alcohol.  My life was sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll.  And it did not matter what order they came in.  It was all good for a long time… that career of drinking, drugging, and living life in the fast lane…

“Until that day.”  He sighed.  “Until that day… when it stopped working.

“And it did stop.

“Just to put the record straight, I been arrested four times for drugs and alcohol… cause I am a quick study… and I learn mighty quick.” He chuckled at himself.  “My first drunk driving was in 1978.  I was riding my motor scooter and a cop pulled me over.  He said I was weaving.

“So, I’m sitting on the bike when the cop comes up to me and says, ‘Get off the bike.’

“Well, I got off the bike, but I forgot to put the kickstand down.  The bike fell and I spun round.  Then I kicked it and said, ‘Stay!’

“The cop looks at me and says, ‘Are you drunk?’

“And I say, ‘I sure hope so, cause I don’t do this every day.’

“Well, he starts laughing.  Then he says, ‘Put your hands behind your back.’

“And that’s what I did…

“And he took me to jail.

“That was the first occurrence.”

It won’t let the lonely forget, this shade of desperation is just for you.

There I was, last night musing—isn’t musing cool? So much more elegant and sophisticated than merely thinking and I often find, a good deal less painful.

“Mmmm…” she mused intelligently, nibbling the leg of her glasses, a sardonic frown playing thoughtfully about her attractive, lightly furrowed eyebrows, “will I have another marshmallow?”

Anyway, there I was musing last night over the state of my expanding waistline. “Why? Why? Why?”  I pondered—pondering is fun too but a little too casual for my purposes last night, so I went back to musing.  I finished my chips and chocolate bar in a state of confusion. “What’s going wrong with my glands?” Alarmed and desperately seeking focus, I rushed off to the kitchen to graze on some of last nights leftovers.

Then it occurred to me!

Of course! That’s it!

I need to drink more water and watch telly sitting on a pilates ball!!!

Well my darlings the sorry truth of the matter is that little ole’ Arty shrew is an addict!

“Hello, My name is Arty Shrew and I’m a MORE addict!”

Yes! I really am! I am completely addicted to MORE.  More food, more drink, more fun, more shoes, more exercise (when I do it!) more telly, yes even…more work, more earings, more air, more bubble wrap, more tea (LOTS more)!  MORE, MORE give me MORE!

You name it I want more!

Moderation in all things…hmmmm! Isn’t moderation something strict to do with exams?

Moderation-schmoderation – I’m with Olvier Twist “Please Sir can I have some MORE”!  Mind you the poor boy DID have an excuse, unlike some others, not a million miles away…ahem!

Mama Shrew amazes me. She will have 2 squares of a chocolate bar, neatly fold it up and say “Lets put it away for tomorrow.”

“Noooooo don’t put it away..” I cry silently, dying of disappointment. Sometimes I go to visit her weeks later and the same bar is still sitting there in the cupboard – WHAT the…?? She assures me it’s another one but I think she’s only saying that to make me feel less of a pig – dear soul, she’s like that.

Phrases you will never hear Me say…

Let’s put it away for tomorrow

No really – half that much

Just give me 1 small potato

No pudding thanks – I’m full

I’ll just have the green salad

I’m saving mine for later

Small fries – actually no fries thanks

Phrases I say often..

Ok just another

Let’s finish the packet

Anyone for seconds?

Up-size mine please

My I see the pudding menu?

I’ll take 10 of those

Aren’t you going to eat that? Pass it ‘ere!

Well I’m off to eat my chocolate cereal and cream, buttered toast and marmalade whilst sitting on my pilates ball.

No seriously, I’m having a small bowl of cereal and fruit – I  SOOO AM!!!!

Let’s see…

The rut I was in a few weeks back has passed, although I’m still not thrilled with how life is going. My hours were raised after my boss found out I was complaining about my hours being cut. I think it’s his way of kissing my ass and reinstalling the fact that he has the power to do anything he wants. Every once in awhile he’ll throw in a, “I just want to make sure you have a ton of hours; you’re one of our best workers.” I hate that! YES, I’m grateful my hours were put back in place, but at the same time I wish he could just tell me the truth instead of kissing up.

I’m still looking for another job at the same time. I interviewed with a tutoring place, but they never called back. I’ll be following up tomorrow I suppose.

Working Step 2. I should post some of my answers in here. Trying to get to meetings; one of my friends from work has been interested in the program. That’s been helping me with recovery as well. We’ll see how that goes.

Not thrilled with my weight, either. I have these thoughts, “Just fuck OA. Just starve again. Just get back down to a decent weight and then do program again.” Of course, this would be going against what I tell virtually everybody on the planet who wants to lose weight. Losing weight doesn’t work with starvation or diets, it works with a lifestyle change that I must commit to. I just am too lazy.

And don’t get me started with our house — pig sty central. I wish I had the will and motivation to keep a house clean.

This blog and I have been mentioned as notebook addicts over at Notebook Stories. I agree, I love my notebooks and the written word. Oddly enough, I haven’t taken any photos of my recent additions, nor of my notes, so I’ll have to oblige later in the week.

I’ve noticed a couple of great posts about notebooks by Range over at Memoirs on a Rainy Day. I love it when people can just talk about their notebooks and why they like them and how they use them, as in this post: Notebook Obsession and Rhodia Love. He doesn’t have a photo of his whole collection, but he seems to be using 10 notebooks concurrently, as described in a post called Never Enough Notebooks, which I’ve excerpted below.

I also just received some swag from Karen at Exaclair, for Clairefontaine which makes Rhodia and Quo-Vadis. I’ll run some tests over the next few days, with some pics and post them. I was surprised at how small the webbie was, but it was oh-so-pretty in orange.

Today was a great day. I caught up on some grad school work, received some swag, finished early and ate a Vietnamese beef soup. I also played some Dragon Age: Origins. I’ve been wanting to play all week, but didn’t have them time. I’m about 44 hours in and completed 18% of the game. That gives you an idea how long it is!

As a lot of you know I play games almost constantly. I like to play Club Penguin, Card games, and now I’m getting hooked on Farmtown on Facebook. I want to play it almost constantly. I have a new lil me named Doodlebug. She runs around farms and harvests crops and plows like a John Deere tractor and harvests like the Grim Reeper. I get totally obsessed sometimes though. I only started playing Farmtown a couple of weeks ago and last weekend I was obsessed with moving up levels. Which I accomplished very well. It didn’t take me long to figure out some of the ropes of the game. Basically you get a small farm to start with. Plant it up immedialtly. If you run outta cash head to the market and try to get hired working on other farms. This will give you money to continue and if you are lucky enough to get hired plowing those points are exp points and will help you move up levels. With enough neighbors you can hire others to plow your farm and still get the exp points. I’m working on neighbors. If anybody wants to neighbor me let me know!