“On such a day each road is planned
To lead to some enchanted land;
Each turning meets expectancy.
The signs I read on every hand.
I know by autumn’s wizardry
On such a day the world can be
Only a great glad dream for me–
Only a great glad dream for me!”
-   Eleanor Myers Jewett, An Autumn Day

What a truly perfect word for this day, this first day of Autumn: expectancy.  I, in one sense have an eternal abundance of expectancy; in another sense, I cannot even begin to dream of what to expect.  I learned of our approval to be adoptive parents on a day where I was thoroughly medicated for my migraine/sinus headache.  Although I did the Facebook and email rounds with lots of caps and exclamation marks, I am not sure I was really feeling it – I was out of it to say the least.  Even Abraham was wondering if maybe I had changed my mind about the whole thing.  I have not changed my mind, but I cannot seem to wrap my mind around it now.  Someone (or a few someones) have decided that I (we) are fit to be a parent.  Most people do not choose this route, they simply decide they want to be parents and have a child naturally.  What of those who have kids without even planning for them?  No one sits aside and goes over their lives and judges them accordingly.  In a way, I feel like it places a heap of expectations on me from a source that most parents never have to deal with.  I was judged to be adequate; now I sure had better be!  (Yes, I know every parent dreads any kind of failure – I know my feelings are not unique.)  It is a lot to take in right now; and sadly, I simply do not have the time to take it in.  My brain is too busy turning over topics like Human Services, Counseling, Ethics, Psychology, and all the papers I have to write about those said topics.  Right now I am kicking myself for writing this blog post because I have a Journal Review Paper I should be writing instead.  I had to take a moment though. 

I have one expectation I hope comes to pass.  In the Summer, I bought some tulip bulbs that will be delivered in October.  They say to plant them in the Fall is best.  I couldn’t help but image a scene where my daughter and I plant them together as a bonding moment.  To plant the bulbs and water them and watch them grow – just like our relationship.  Maybe, just maybe it will be.          

They would also prefer if we do foster care first to get more experience with their kids or go through a different agency that would have different (tamer?) kids to choose from. A different agency would translate into us spending up to $30,000 in adoption fees, whereas the DSS is free.

We have told them that if doing foster care first is what it takes, then we are up for it. We originally had thought we were going to have to go that route anyway. It was not until the end of our MAPP classes that we realized we had the option to do straight adoption. We liked the idea of being able to form our family with permanence, instead of wondering how many kids would pass through our home before we found the perfect fit.

Another reason they are pushing foster care is that you are required to do continued training every year. I mentioned to Amanda that I will be starting my Master’s program in Family Counseling this month, just for the purpose of getting more training. I hope that if she presents that to the adoption committee, it will make an impact.

We also have requested to look at the full file of the SC girl we are interested in, to see if she has issue that would be beyond our control, as well as any kids from the NC DSS that our adoption worker thinks might work.

I was a little surprised when Amanda mentioned that the committee wanted to know how we felt about keeping the birth family connections. It was in our individual interviews that I had expressed the importance of siblings. I even shared how when Abraham and I were first married, I kept inviting his younger sisters to do things with us, much to his annoyance. As an only child, I knew what a special thing he had, even though he didn’t realize it yet. I honestly don’t believe he would have the relationship he has with them now if I hadn’t been there to constantly remind him how special they were/are. Knowing that I had already mentioned this to Amanda, I am wondering why the committee is still concerned about this issue. As far as parents and grandparents are concerned – as long as it is healthier for the child to stay in contact with them, then Abraham and I do not mind.

I received the email from Amanda on Monday about these “concerns.” I was hit kind of hard with it because I honestly didn’t think there would be a chance that we would be denied. As Abraham says, they haven’t made their final decision yet, but it is still a possibility. The few people I have shared this with have all said the basically the same thing. Why leave these kids in the system when there is a loving and stable environment for them to go to with Abraham and me? This news came about the same time I was getting sick with a fever/cold, and I haven’t really recovered emotionally yet. I’m hoping to feel better both emotionally and physically this weekend, so I can just process it all.