I am taking the afternoon off to cull journals and diaries from 1983 to the present for worthy entries.  I’ll use Dragon Natural Speaking and transcribe them verbally rather than prop them open and grow frustrated as I attempt to establish any flow by typing them.  This will emulate thumbing through them and reading my better entries to a close friend or my children, for whom I hope to compile a significant amount of their material and possibly have that material bound and printed. 

Is the self-publishing? Out of vanity?

No. I’ve spent my writing energy over the years keeping journals.  Effectively, I’ve no short stories, poems, or essays to show for all the hours I’ve spent writing and this is the raw material that may best reveal who I am in what I’ve written.

If this is the bulk of my effort, my children and friends may well want to read it.  Their choice.  But it’ll never get read otherwise.  If I don’t do it, the journals will be thrown out and the effort lost, or I’ll be unable to control what I wanted to convey and destroy the insignificant entries, which are the majority.

The idea was born when I was given my late birth father’s pocket New Testament and Book of Psalms.  I could read for the first and only time intimations of his 20s, as he avoided Vietnam by working in the chapel, protected by a priest who empathized that as a protestor my father could spend the six months between being drafted and eligible for discharge cleaning and maintaining the chapel rather than endure boot camp and be deployed.  These musings are precious to me, and I immediately considered how valuable my written musings might be to my own children.

I could create two volumes: one that collects what could be massaged into personal essay and that conveys the intensity and introspection I sometimes achieved in writing.  I could share this before my 50th birthday. Subjects like finding my birth parents, my adoptive mother’s terminal illness, struggles in jobs and with people, sketches, worlds internal, and the struggle with and recovery from my mental illness.  Similar to this blog.

The second would contain the more controversial material, which is dominated by marital issues.  Maybe this should never be seen.  I cannot yet know.  This second volume must be shared later, perhaps post mortem.

Perhaps I’ll find the courage — or recklessness — to not separate them.  I doubt it.  Why hurt anyone now?  Or ever?

And here I am blogging and already exposing, however anonymously, my days.  Hopefully harming no one, including myself.  Hopefully helping someone somewhere.

I wouldn’t have known about the new reality-TV show “Find My Family” if a friend hadn’t emailed me with an urgent “THIS MUST BE STOPPED!” message.  It raised my eyebrow. I clicked on the link. I was like, “Errr… really?”

For one thing, I happen to LIKE a couple of reality shows. Top Chef and Biggest Loser are my favorites.

For the second thing, I do not feel equipped to condemn anything that I haven’t actually seen with my own eyeballs. So I decided to withhold judgment until watching it.

I emailed another (adopted) friend and invited her to smoke some adoptee crack with me.  Adoptee crack is something that you KNOW is probably Wrong on some level, but that you are inherently and uncontrollably drawn to. In this case, people finding their birth families.  I’m a sucker. I can’t help it.

I arrived at my friends M & M’s house at the appointed hour last night. For the record, M1 is an adoptee AND an adoptive parent. M2 is an adoptive parent and a stalwart ally of adoptees.

Folks over at Rainbow Kids seem to have their panties all in a twist because, according to them (presumably BEFORE having watched the show!) “producers completely discount any worth of the adoptive families who have loved and raised these children. Instead the show emphasizes the loss of a child’s Real family’ as the one-and-only central issue of all adopted children’s lives.” Ummm, projection much?? (also: “THESE CHILDREN?” The woman in question was in her 30s! WHEN will we stop being referred to as CHILDREN?!!?!?” Ughhhh.)

I was prepared to dismiss the show, but I was also very curious to see how this was all going to be portrayed.  M1 remarked, in this vein, “I have to watch every single lesbian movie ever made, and even though some of them are really poor quality, it is still important to me to see.. a representation of myself.” AMEN. I feel the same way about adoption in media and literature. Gotta check it out.

OK. So to start out, the two hosts of the show are both adoptees themselves. I give them huge props for that. Because HOW many times are these things produced or created by other people, who just think it is a dramatic and/or romantic idea? Tim Green, the male host was clearly moved by what he was seeing. At one point, the female host, Lisa Joyner, said to the adoptee woman, “I know how you feel.” This annoyed M1 who said, “That’s bull! How presumptuous”!

I sat with that for a minute. I said, “But how many times have *I* said something, and YOU say, “I know how you feel,” and that makes me feel good because it makes me feel seen and understood?” She said, yeah, but we’re FRIENDS. Who knows, maybe LJ and the AW have bonded and become fast friends through this process. I don’t know. So that didn’t bug me the way it bugged her.

OK, back to the show! (I can tell this is gonna be a loooooong post!) The first episode features a couple who faced a pregnancy back in high school (she was 16 I think). Then they ended up marrying each other, having 3 other kids and staying together for 22 years. I’d say this is pretty rare.  The birthmother has gone to a ton of agencies and investigators, and everyone has come up blank.

ABC to the rescue!! They put their team of 20 sleuths on the project, and within short order they have come up with the amended birth certificate of the daughter. They go find her. She is 8 miles “down the road.” Of course she is in shock.  She says she wants to meet them. Then male host tells the parents that she’s been found, and he shares a picture (while wiping away a tear) of her and her son. They’re grandparents, wowee!

Lots of exclamations of “O my GOD!” Which is, of course, quite understandable. Tears. Of course.

Then comes the absolutely cheesiest thing I have EVER SEEN. They have to bring both parties to reunite at The Family Tree – which is an actual TREE up on a HILL, with a path leading up to it! It is a long path.  So (we remarked) does this exclude people with disabilities or poor cardiovascular health?

And the funniest thing. These people all live 8 miles apart in WISCONSIN. So now they’re all going to have to fly across the country (presumably to California: this hill looks very much like the place that the Biggest Losers work out on) to reunite under The Family Tree? Ha ha ha ha. O-kayyyyyyyy, people.

We spent about 15 minutes mocking and laughing the Tree.

They have their tearful reunion, with more “O my GOD!” and hugging and carrying on. Thoughtfully, the producers have provided a nice wide bench, suitable for six family members to sit abreast and catch  their breath while on One Tree Hill.

They’ve brought her a scrapbook with letters and pictures. Which is the part where my adoptee heart drops out of my chest. The dad reads his letter out loud. In my opinion, it is loving, humble, apologetic and open. He makes a BIG DEAL out of saying, maybe he doesn’t have the right to know ANYthing about this daughter because he gave up all rights. He gives BIG PROPS to her adoptive parents for loving and raising her (see that, Rainbow Kids people?????).  He says he does not want to hurt her A-parents, he’s not looking to replace them, only to connect if it is what she wants. It is the picture of restraint.

I whimper and clutch at my heart a bit while hearing this part. I say, “What I wouldn’t give for a letter like that.” M1 says, “Hmm, when I hear that letter, I think, I’ve gotten letters like that and it makes me feel like I have to be grateful when I’m still really pissed off.” She has a point there.

Meanwhile M2 is getting misty eyed and unable to pull herself away, in spite of a big writing project that is calling her name. See, this stuff IS crack!

After the big meeting on the hill, everyone reconvenes for a picnic in Wisconsin, including the adoptee’s ADOPTIVE PARENTS. (ahem) They seem gracious and open, for the two seconds they are on screen. The birthparents thank them.  Although everyone seems pretty much blown out of the water, they also seem to be behaving quite well.  Adoptee’s son seems not quite clear who All These New People are, but he seems to be having a good time. End of show. Fade to sunset.

OKAY! Soooooo…my two cents (or my two hundred cents, right?) is that this show is not an evil Product of Satan. I do not think it is (at all) “anti-adoption.”

As I was watching the show I kept asking (out loud) the question, “Is this exploitive? Is it bad? WHO is being exploited here?”

I decided to look up the definition of that explosive word.

Exploitive: unfairly or cynically using another person or group for profit or advantage

Well, profit and advantage, definitely. They want their ratings. But is it UNFAIR? Is it CYNICAL? Hm. I don’t know about that.

I’ll tell you what’s UNFAIR. It’s UNFAIR that a show like this is even feasible in the FIRST place, because if ADULTS had access to their OWN birth records, it’s unlikely that these decade-long dramas would be playing out like this.  It wouldn’t hold the enormous charge and people wouldn’t have to be paying agents and investigators for fruitless searches.

I asked my fellow watchers, “Is this show hurting anyone? Helping anyone? What’s the point?”

We devil’s advocated it back and forth. On ONE hand, it sucks that these people have their private stuff paraded around. It was like they had to sell their souls to the devil in order to get the information they so desperately wanted and needed. (aside: Would I?????? Answer: It Depends.) On the OTHER hand, it might serve to inform the public that no matter how “all-good” adoption seems to be for many parties involved, no matter how much an adoptive family is full of love and care, it is still perfectly NORMAL for adoptees and birth relatives to wonder about each other.  Everyone has unanswered questions that follow them around for their lives. (OK, not EVERYone, but MANY people.)

This show is produced by the same folks who do the Home Makeover show, where people who live in horrible homes are given the chance to have their house remodeled in massive splendor.  Are THEY being exploited?  It seems to be pretty wide accepted that THAT show is a fairy-tale generosity feel good thing.  Hey, maybe it would be great if some megarich TV station gave people a house and DIDN’T FILM IT, but that is not exactly what they’re about. They wouldn’t BE megarich and have the capacity to be giving away houses if they didn’t have a show that raked in ratings.

Same with this show. How lovely it would be if anybody who wanted to find birthfamily could just contact ABC and they’d put their dozens of sleuths on the trail, and people could discreetly and privately reunite without cameras bearing down on them. But, same thing. The two things sorta go hand in hand.

What would be ever NICER (and I’m just repeating myself, but I think it bears repeating) would be if all adopted adults had access to their own vital records and didn’t need a television station to do this for them.

So, that’s my two hundred cents. Will I watch it again? Probably. Do I KNOW that the show ends at the spot when everyone’s journey is just beginning, and that it will most likely be fraught with complexity and drama and some degree of suffering?? I know that, people. I was not born yesterday. (ha ha ha)

M1 said that of course they have to show those ultimate dramatic moments: The Letter. The revelation. The finding. The dramatic moment on the Hill.

But face it, those ARE the dramatic moments. I will never in my life forget what those moments were like for me. They were life-changing.  Sure, there are a million other small moments that make up the journey of a Reunited Adoptee, but if you only have 30 minutes including commercials, that’s what you have to show.

(ha, speaking of commercials, this was the FIRST time I ever begged for commercials to interrupt because I had SO much to say and I needed a break in which to share and express!)

That’s it, I think. For now. But my opinion is that while the show is cheesy, melodramatic and emotionally manipulative, it also showed some real truths. It was hosted by real adoptees. The people seemed stable and reasonable, for the most part. And their journey is just beginning. Y’all can watch the whole thing here.

Oh, and one more thing, Mrs Rainbow-Kids-Mom-Who-Cant-Stand-Having it Not-Be-All-About YOU:For anybody who knows ANYthing about me, you’ll know that you’ll be hard pressed to find anybody more fiercely loyal, protective and loving of their adoptive family. AND guess what, I also want to know who and where I came from! Guess what, in this complex world of adoption, these two things CAN coexist. (duh)

Anyway, anybody want to watch with me on a Monday night, let me know. I’ll make popcorn.

My birth father having died at 54 – hepatic failure – his family – my own family? – say from a transfusion, and I suppose that’s true. An unchecked poison was introduced that haunted him.

And haunts me, the thoughts of Fate: peculiar, paranoid, humbling, and although clandestine appear realistic.

You wind up wondering if you, too, aren’t dated for an early exit, not that his life was supposed to end at 54, but it did – w/ that stone-hard facticity that death wraps around the entirety of a person – so that soul and vessel are alike in their motionless solidity.

You wonder: will that be me? So young?

My birth father having died at 54 – hepatic failure – his family – my own family? – say from a transfusion, and I suppose that’s true. An unchecked poison was introduced that haunted him.

And haunts me, the thoughts of Fate: peculiar, paranoid, humbling, and although clandestine appear realistic.

You wind up wondering if you, too, aren’t dated for an early exit, not that his life was supposed to end at 54, but it did – w/ that stone-hard facticity that death wraps around the entirety of a person – so that soul and vessel are alike in their motionless solidity.

You wonder: will that be me? So young?

As I write this blog post, I’m mad…really mad. I got a phone call from an adoptee. This isn’t an adoptee that I know, it’s a complete stranger who reached out to me, knowing that I had been running an online reunion registry for many years. Her issue? Her adoptive parents refuse to tell her one single thing about her birth family!

This young woman was very upset. It was clear that finding her birth family was important to her. It was something that she wanted very badly. Her voice was filled with emotion, and it was obvious that she was crying. If the importance of this was so very clear to me, an absolute stranger, how could the parents that raised her turn their backs on her and refuse to help or support her?

I’m sorry, people, but I don’t and never will understand this mindset. As a mother myself, I can’t imagine refusing to help one of my kids with something as important to them as finding her birthfamily was to this adoptee.

It’s bad enough that government conspires against adoptees in most states, and refuses to let them find out who they are and where they come from. Even something as basic and critical as family medical history is denied adoptees. I have personally known several adoptees who died because they were unaware of a medical history that put them at risk. This is unacceptable!

In my mind, the final insult is the refusal of some parents to support their sons and daughters in their desire to find their families of origin. Not every adoptee wants to search, but many adoptees feel that this is of importance in their lives, and when this is the case, it is vital for adoptive parents to support their sons and daughters through this process.

This is NOT a post including a lovely tapping script, because the main person who needs to tap right now is ME!

“Even though it infuriates me that this young woman’s parents refuse to support her in her search…”

Back to EFT4adoption.

I just watched these and wanted to share. I’ll post more soon.

There are many online Adoption Registries that claim to help you in your Adoption Search, but how many of these can really deliver? The answer is very few- almost none. This has begun to change with IwasAdopted.com. They are a Central Online Adoption Registry which can really help Adopted Children and Parents both to be successful in their Adoption Search

IwasAdopted.com is a Central Online Adoption Registry which provides one central platform for Adopted Children and Parents to get in touch with each other. IwasAdopted.com is a place for everyone in the world to come together, making the search so much easier! With one central place for all people to register and search, so many more matches are made, even with no access to adoption records.

Iwasadopted.com accepts registrations from around the world, which makes it possible for you to get in touch with family members no matter where they may have roamed. IwasAdopted.com also provides the facility of free registration and Multi Language Viewing which makes it a truly global Online Adoption Registry for everyone.

If you have been wondering how to find parents you have been unable to find due to closed adoption records or other difficult circumstances, you will be pleased to learn about our online adoption registry. We help people in their Adoption Search even without access to actual records of adoption.

The reason IwasAdopted.com can help is that it can put you in touch with biological parents or adopted children by way of Mutual Consent. This is when adopted children and birth parents both register with the same adoption registry voluntarily. This results in an adoption reunion where both parties came forward with the same intention of reuniting. This is how IwasAdopted.com is set up. There is no need to open adoption records, and you can register any time you like.

Finding your birth parents or adopted children has never been so easy. With IwasAdopted.com you can search for your birth parents without accessing your actual Adoption Records.

We welcome you on IwasAdopted.com and we are sincerely hope that you will be successful in your Adoption Search.

Adoption search is a complex topic. There are so many things that can happen during or at the end of a search that it boggles the mind.

Adoptees in search of birth families seem to have the best track record. Since they have access to non-identifying information, they have an advantage over birth family members. Their adoptive parents may also have information, even identifying information, concerning their family of origin. All of this can be extremely helpful in a search.

At the end of an adoptee’s search, the situation can go in different ways. They can find a birthmother or other birthfamily member that welcomes them with open arms. This is the happy ending that most adoptees hope for. Unfortunately, adoptees can find that their birth family (usually their birthmother) wants nothing to do with them. This is most often due to the fact that the birthmom has never confided to anyone about the child that she gave up, and years down the road, after keeping the secret for decades, they are afraid to tell the truth. This is a sad situation, but is not uncommon. Adoptees can also find at the end of their search that their birthmother is deceased. There may still be siblings who welcome them, but not all birthmoms go on to have other children, or tell the children they have about “their secret”.

A birthmother searching is more complicated. Since they are usually not entitled to non-identifying information, they often have a lot less information to use when searching. Some states have birth indexes which help in searches, but access to a birth index depends on the state in which the child was born. Birthmoms often have to bite the bullet, and pay a professional searcher to find their child. The end of a birthmom search is more up in the air than an adoptee search. Birthmothers are rejected by adoptees far more often than adoptees are rejected by birthmoms. A complicating factor for birthmoms is that once they’ve found their child, the adoptive parents may feel threatened by them, and when this happens, it usually prevents any kind of a relationship from happening, sadly.

More and more often over the last few years, I’ve seen adoptive parents helping their kids to search. These kinds of searches have the best chance of a happy ending, since the searcher has the support of their parents in their search. I’ve seen a number of wonderful reunions that came about when adoptive parents helped their children to search. When everyone is involved, and adoptive family, birthfamily and adoptee all come together as an extended family, wonderful things happen.

The most important thing for any searcher to remember is that you never know what you’ll find at the end of your search, and you need to be as prepared as possible for any eventuality.

If you are currently searching, and are feeling stressed, why not try a little EFT to rid yourself of the stress?

Setup Statement:
Even though I am really scared about what I may find at the end of my search, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Reminder Phrases:
This fear, what will I find?, this fear, searching is scary, I choose to transform this fear, into an energy of healing, I choose to release negative feelings, and embrace positive feelings.

Back to No More Adoption Pain

As an Adoptee looking for your Birth Parents you may have tried to access your adoption records, hired an adoption agency, or you may have used an Online Adoption Registry, but all your efforts might have resulted in failure as happens with many Adopted People in their Search. But now it is possible that success for your Adoption Search is just clicks away. Experience it yourself by Visiting IwasAdopted.com.

IwasAdopted.com is the Online Adoption Registry with a difference. For many of you out there who want to find your parents and for parents who are looking for children, you may have felt like giving up the search. Please don’t because IwasAdopted.com can really help you!

IwasAdopted.com is the Global Online Adoption Registry, providing a platform for everyone in the world to come together, making the search so much easier! Information is updated instantly on the site. With one central place for all people to register and search, so many more matches are made, even with no access to adoption records. You can register for free on IwasAdopted.com and it also provides you the facility of Multi Language Viewing.

This is exciting news! Many features are provided free of charge. So go ahead and start your adoption search on IwasAdopted.com today. I wish you best of luck in your search.

Have you been trying to find adopted family members without a lot of information to go on? Or are you an adoptee searching for your parents without access to your adoption papers? The problem that most people face in their Adoption Search is a lack of Information to search with. Many adopted people stop searching because they discover that they cannot Search for their Birth Family with so little Adoption Information but now there is renewed hope for all the people who want success in their Adoption Search, even with little information. And that renewed hope is a result of IwasAdopted.com.

IwasAdopted.com is an excellent place to search since it is designed to search in a highly effective manner even with very little information to go on. IwasAdopted.com has thousands of registrations every month and many adopted children have found their parents and many parents have found their children using this service.

I strongly recommend IwasAdopted.com to all adoptees and parents who want to be successful in their Adoption Search. Go ahead and start your search today on IwasAdopted.com. Best of luck with your Adoption Search.

Anger — we all feel it, but not many people find it acceptable. When we were children, most of us were encouraged not to show our anger, and we carried that habit over into adulthood. We get angry about all kinds of things, but we’ve learned over time how to “stuff those feelings down”. Maybe we smoke a cigarette, maybe we have a drink, or maybe we go around the block until we’ve walked it off, but we seldom let others see or know that we’re angry.

There is lots of anger in the adoption triad. We’ve got angry adoptees, angry birthmothers and angry adoptive parents. To each of us, our anger feel justified, and it may be.

Adoptees are often angry because they feel that they’ve been abandoned. In their minds, their birthmother saw them as an inconvenience, and it was far easier to let somebody else raise their child than to raise it themselves. Very seldom is this actually true, but lots of adoptees feel this way.

Other adoptees are angry that they have been, as they see it, victimized by the adoption community. The decision about where and how they would live their lives was made by others, and even as adults they’re not allowed to know about their families of origin. This is an anger that I feel is well justified, and I’d like to think that at some point the system will be reformed so that adult adoptees can always find out where they came from. Everyone deserves that right.

Birthmothers have their share of anger. Many are angry at their families and “the system” for forcing them to relinquish children that they didn’t want to give up. That anger is intensified by the fact that birthmoms are not expected to or encouraged to express grief over the loss of their child, but are instead told to “forget it and move on”.

Birthmothers have virtually no rights when it comes to getting non-identifying information so that they can find their children. That makes it mighty hard for a birthmom to search and find. This is still another reason (again, justified) for anger on the part of birthmoms.

Adoptive parents feel that they have plenty to be angry about, too. Many get angry at their children if they decide to search for their birthfamily. They feel betrayed, theatened, or just plain jealous, and therefore they are angry. Some are also angry at birth family members who have found their children. These parents harbor the feeling that once relinquishment papers are signed, a birth parent has given up any right to ever know the child.

So much anger, for so many reasons… Anger is usually an uncomfortable thing to deal with, and we end up with guilt on top of that anger. EFT is the most effective method that I’ve ever found for dealing with anger. Once you zero in on an incident that made you angry, and tap through 2 or 3 rounds, the anger is often totally gone, and you are left with a feeling of peace and calmness that is far more pleasant than anger.

Why not give EFT a try for your anger? Five minutes of tapping might just give you the relief that you’ve been hoping for.

Back to No More Adoption Pain

Its been a painful and powerful trip home. Every time I come home I’m more and more overwhelmed with the isolation of my family and their community from the realities of people of color not only in their own backyard, Indigenous people, Mexicans and Islander peoples but people of color across the world. I continue to try my hardest keep myself separate from my parents friends who are evangelical Christians and who live in their white privilege, and live inside it in ways that are SO similar to the liberal, educated white folks of the Bay area I cant begin to talk about it. Its so time for me to begin to start speaking some truths around that again that I cant believe how long I feel I’ve been silent. I’m just now able to talk about how the past work I did doing adoption education has had an major impact on my relationships with white people. I thought I had worked through a lot of my anger, its been renewed with a vengeance and vigor I had forgotten. All I can say here is, AFAAD is my response, a response that is solely about the children who grow up in transracial adoptive families.

At the same time I’m channeling positive responses to the pain I feel when I am reminded of how deeply racist our world is, I’m more and more impacted by how much I love my family, my parents, my cousins and aunts and uncles, and how much they love me. It was actually evident to me this year that they really missed me being here since the snowstorm prevented me from being here for Christmas, and they like it when I come around. It was so nice to just be my immediate family and miss all the Christmas hullabaloo that forces me to have to be around a bunch of people I don’t give a shit about and who don’t give a shit about me, and who in every other instance would never be interested in knowing who I am. and for the most part, still aren’t. This may be a change in the way I spend my holidays. I’m just sayin.

Its such a contradiction to live inside such love and such pain at the same time.

I spent a few days in Seattle, networking for AFAAD and Third Root a little, but mostly just catching up with the new friends who I’ve made who are meaningful to me and hiding in a coffee shop for hours on University Ave working on my chapters.

One significant thing that happened is that I spend some time in the amazing Seattle Public School archives looking at high school yearbooks from the 1960’s. I was looking for my birth fathers photo, based on a name my birth mother gave me.

I got lost on the way to the archives, but it was in this great building, the John Stanford Educational Center, where it looks like the Seattle school district offices are located. Ah teachers. How do I love thee? I made it there about a ½ hour before they closed and a lovely young woman, with a rockin vintage shirt and cool ass glasses with a green tint, (I love Seattle!) Althea, came up to take me upstairs to the archives.  I love the smell and look of historical archives. Being an academic, I have a healthy respect for history and the preservation of it. and to see the history of the Seattle schools being care for so lovingly and .. I always worry about funding for these things. If you can – after you donate to AFAAD (ha!) – donate some money to them or to your local school district historical archive!

Althea brought me the years 1966-1969. I had estimated that since he was supposedly 20 to 22 when I was conceived, that those were reasonable years to think he had graduated. I put on the white gloves and started though, reading over pages, laughing at hairstyles and clothes, while trying not to listen to my internal voice. In my head I kept saying, what if she lied to me to keep me off track? What if she doesn’t want me to know who he is? What if she just picked some random person? (which is still a possibility).

I couldn’t find it. It wasn’t anywhere! I kept looking over and over the pages, thinking I had missed something. Parrish, Patton, Peterman, Perkins, Peth. Pittman, Powell, Purvis, . . . nothing. Finally, after looking through 2 high school 4 years each, I stopped and started packing up. Althea came up and asked how it was going. I sighed and told her that I hadn’t found anything. She asked me a few questions about who I was looking for. I hesitated, because as an adoptee who has done mad reading on the negative responses to when we are searching for our birth families, we have been warned to be cautious about what we share with people.

I looked deep into her face, took a breath and said, “well, it’s a name that someone, well, it’s a name that my birth mother gave me for my birth father. Perhaps its not the right name. Perhaps it was just one of those leads that I have to live with not working out.” But inside, I wasn’t connecting to how much I was putting on this. I was really hoping to find something. I was disappointed, and it was starting to hurt. Althea’s eyes looked at me and she said, “why don’t we try 1965, just for the heck of it? Just to say you did it?” I shrugged, thinking, sure, why not, whatever.

When she brought back the books, she paused and then told me her story. A story about her own family, and so closely aligned with the narrative of lifelong secrets and lies, shame, truth, longing and have that impacts our adoptive families. I am always overwhelmed and honored when strangers can open themselves to me and share their stories.

I put the white gloves back on and began to thumb through the pages, starting with the seniors. It was a flash. There it was. 1965. on the bottom corner of the page. I felt the tears start coming, I took a deep breath, don’t cry, don’t cry, it may not be him, it may be a wrong lead, don’t cry.

Its him. His face looks light in the photo, but all of the photos at that time look like they are lightened, so I think he is medium or brown skinned. In another photo I found of him posing for the Dance planning committee, he look much darker than his senior photo.  It lists some of his interests and his honors. I found it.

I wanted to start dialing a phone right then, but I didn’t have a middle name. Something that would distinguish him from all the other people in Washington state who have the same name who I have come across. We got copies, and I think I made it part way back to the elevator before I started crying and just had to be me and give mad love and a hug to Althea to thank her for the help.

I got back to where I was staying and checked my email and whaaaatt? Got an email from Althea, with his middle name and his birth date. Are you kidding me? Dammit, started crying again but with a big cheese smile.

Look people, if you are in a position of power, if you are an archivist, I want to just reiterate how important your job is and not just on the organizational, administrative tip. You being open to people, being non-judgmental about the people who come to your world – people who need histories, need truths, need the stories of our lives – your not questioning our personal motivations is SO extraordinarily important in an archivist and as someone who has ‘control’ over the archives. So many adoptees experience people being ‘gatekeepers’ and trying to keep us away from the truths of our lives. The narrative of the outside world is that we don’t need to know and that we shouldn’t want to know. and thats just bullshit.

I have no idea what I’m going to do next, knowing me I’ll sit on this for another 6 months to a few years. I still haven’t processed this at all, but I just wanted to share and thank Althea deeply and publicly for her consideration, patience and openness. Gurl, you rock, and you just changed my life.

At some point in time for every adoptee or birthmother who chooses to search, this becomes the big question. Am I good enough? Do I have a good enough job, make enough money, have a successful enough career, and on and on. Whether you want to go to this place or not, you can’t help it — you’ll end up there sooner or later.

Adoptees think about their birthmoms and worry. If she went on to have other children, will she favor them? Will I be good enough? Will I be too fat, too thin, too tall, too short? What does she expect of me?

The fact is that for most birthmoms, they have no particular expectations. They just want to get to know YOU, no matter how you look, no matter what level your education, no matter what kind of job you have. It’s pretty hard to disappoint a birthmom when it comes to a found son or daughter.

Adoptees also think about birth siblings they may have. Will they accept me? Will they like me? Will I be able to be a real sister or brother? Birth siblings are a bit harder to predict. Many are thrilled to connect with a long lost sibling, but the reality is that there are some who are jealous, or who want nothing to do with you. This is a part f searching that you have to be ready for. Acceptance is wonderful, but not everyone has a happy ending.

Birthmoms worry in the same way that adoptees do. The truth is that they have more to worry about. I know far more birthmoms who were rejected by their found kids than I do adoptees who were rejected by their birthmoms. If, however, you are fortunate enough to be accepted by the child you find, they probably won’t have a lot of expectations to live up to. They’ll probably be glad just to get to know you, and maybe to have you in their life. Chances are they won’t give a darn about what kind of job you have, where you live, or what kind of clothes you wear.

Adoption search is always a crap shoot. I’m being honest here, because you never know what you’ll find at the end of the road. If, however, you don’t have the courage to take that road, you’ll never know whether or not you can have a happy ending.

Back to No More Adoption Pain

Being a birthmom myself, this is an issue that is near and dear to my heart. I spent many years feeling that I did not have the right to search for my son.

When the social worker at the adoption agency told me that by signing the relinquishment papers I was giving up my right to ever have my son in my life again, I believed her. Emotionally, I tucked my son away in a corner of my mind, and only acknowledged him when he snuck out for birthdays, holidays or other special occasions. For me, and for many other birthmoms, searching was a non-issue.

What turned the tide for me was attending a conference of the American Adoption Congress. It was amazing. For the first time ever, I spoke with other birthmoms about my experience. I spoke with adoptees. I interacted in mixed groups, and came away from the conference a changed person.

Most of the other birthmoms encouraged me to search. They assured me that I DID have the right, now that my son was an adult.

The biggest difference for me, though, was what the adult adoptees had to say. To a person, their message was the same. SEARCH!!! You have the right! You have important information for your son. Your son may be hoping that you search. If I were your son, I’d want you to be searching for me.

The message was loud and clear. The past is the past. Today your son is an adult. You have much to share with him, and he has much to share with you. Don’t waste another day worrying about whether you have the right — get out there NOW and search!

My message to you is the same. You may have been told that you didn’t have the right either. If your son or daughter is grown, and your heart tells you to search, follow your heart, and you may find a happy ending one of these days.

Back to No More Adoption Pain

The issue that many adopted people face is that adoption records are often sealed, which makes finding biological parents very difficult. To find real parents you may have to hire a lawyer in order to get adoption records opened. But in many cases, even with legal representation, it is simply not possible to get access to adoption records. The same problem is encountered by Parents who are attempting to find adopted children.

When adopted children and Parents face this situation where access to Adoption Records is denied, it is very disappointing for them. Some Adopted Children search for their real parents for years but all their efforts result in failure. Adoption Searching is not only time consuming but also is very costly, and when there is no positive result then many adoptees stop searching out of frustration.

But now there is good news for adopted children who are finding their real parents and parents who are searching for their adopted children, because IwasAdopted.com has reduced the difficulty in adoption reunion to a large extent.

The reason IwasAdopted.com can help is that it can put you in touch with biological parents or adopted children by way of Mutual Consent. This is when adoptees and birth parents both register with the same adoption registry voluntarily. This results in an adoption reunion where both parties came forward with the same intention of reuniting. This is how IwasAdopted.com is set up. There is no need to open adoption records, and you can register any time you like.

Finding out you were adopted can be a difficult thing. Often children who were involved in an adoption would like to see their adoption records and locate their birth parents. But often access to adoption records is denied, which makes it really difficult for Adopted children to locate their parents. But don’t worry; there is a new tool to help you find your birth family with IwasAdopted.com!

An adoptee searching for a birth family can register on IwasAdopted.com in order to find birth parents or arrange an adoption reunion. Sometimes people find adopted family members they didn’t know you had, such as a sibling they did not know about.

Whether you are just beginning your adoption search or have been trying for years with no results, IwasAdopted.com is the platform which can lead you to an adoption reunion. Iwasadopted.com is the central online adoption registry with thousands of people registering every month.

I suggest to all adoptees from around the world to register with IwasAdopted.com, and I wish you the best of luck with your search.

Many People ask why an Online Adoption Registry is better option for their Adoption Search. Here is the Answer,

One Central Platform for All
A Central Online Adoption Registry provides one central platform for Adopted Children and Parents both to get in touch with each other.

Global Scope
The scope of Online Adoption Registry is global because it handles registrations from around the world, so you can get in touch with family members no matter where they may have roamed.

A Cost Effective Solution
An Online Adoption Registry is very cost effective solution for Adoption Searching. Some online registries let you search first and if you have some matches for your search criteria then you only pay a very nominal amount to view your matches.

Start Searching with Little Information
On Online Adoption Registries you can start searching with very little information and often little information can get you matches and ultimately can lead to adoption reunion.

Mutual Consent Service
Online Adoption Registries provide mutual consent service where adoptees and birth parents both register with the same adoption registry voluntarily. This results in an adoption reunion where both parties came forward with the intention of a reunion.

I have been analyzing Online Adoption Registries for years now and according to my analysis, IwasAdopted.com is the best Online Adoption Registry. IwasAdopted.com has made possible many reunions. Whether you are starting your Adoption Search or have been doing so for years with no results, I recommend the service offered by IwasAdopted.com.

When people discover they are adopted, right away many of them start searching for their biological parents. To find their birth family, they look for free adoption records, a local adoption registry, or a national adoption registry, but they find it very difficult to navigate through all this. Now there is one website which has made it very easy to search for birth parents with very simple process, and that website is iwasadopted.com.

Iwasadopted.com is the central online adoption registry with thousands of people registering every month. Monthly registrations are increasing at a rapid rate. Iwasadopted.com has provided one central platform for everybody to search and given a great opportunity to adopted children to reunite with their parents.

Iwasadopted.com provides you the facility for free registration. You don’t have to pay unless you choose to and that means that you can see if there are any matches on the site before you pay. Being a truly global adoption registry iwasadopted.com also provides you the function of viewing the website in multiple languages.

Finding your birth parents has never been so easy. With iwasadopted.com you can search for your birth parents without accessing any Adoption Records. Iwasadopted.com is an online global adoption registry which can really help you finding your Birth Parents

From Wikipedia:

In philosophy, moral relativism is the position that moral or ethical propositions do not reflect objective and/or universal moral truths, but instead make claims relative to social, cultural, historical or personal circumstances. Moral relativists hold that no universal standard exists by which to assess an ethical proposition’s truth; moral subjectivism is thus the opposite of moral absolutism.

Relativistic positions often see moral values as applicable only within certain cultural boundaries … or in the context of individual preferences …. An extreme relativist position might suggest that judging the moral or ethical judgments or acts of another person or group has no meaning, though most relativists propound a more limited version of the theory. In moral relativism there are no absolute rights and wrongs, only different situations.

Some moral relativists — for example, the existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre — hold that a personal and subjective moral core lies or ought to lie at the base of individuals’ moral acts. In this view public morality reflects social convention, and only personal, subjective morality expresses true authenticity.

My uncle died yesterday.

He was a nice man, the youngest of 7 children on my mother’s side. He worked hard, raised four kids. A quiet man, married to a vivacious French Canadian woman. Once he told me that when he was a little kid, the teacher in kindergarten thought he was so cute that she used to hug him all the time.

When the older members of your family pass away, you realize a door is closing that will never be re-opened. The people of your childhood are disappearing. Opportunities to learn more about who you are have been lost. That the visit you were meaning to make, well it’s too late now.

His oldest daughter, my cousin, relinquished a child, a boy, to adoption. She’s had some trouble in her life. (I wonder why?) She’s never looked for her son. She knows I found mine. She’s met him. When I’ve hit rocky patches in my reunion, she’s said maybe it’s just as well she never looked. I guess she’s frightened.

Her son would have been my uncle’s first grandchild. I wonder if they look alike, blonde hair blue eyes. Good looking. He’d be almost 40 now. He probably has a wife and some kids.

I wonder if he felt a little tug on his heart from somewhere yesterday? A little something wrong? Did he hear the click of a door closing in front of him – forever?

About ten years ago, the same cousin’s youngest brother fathered a child. He was not in a committed relationship with the woman but she had the baby and he shares custody and brings his son to many family occasions.

Sunday my husband and I are driving to attend the memorial service. That son, no doubt, will be there with his father, helping to remind him that life goes on and family matters.

People tell me that when I write fiction “moral relativism” is one of my recurring themes. I like to think they say that because I create sympathetic characters who the reader understands and even approves of when they do things society usually frowns upon. ( I wonder why?)

Forty years ago my cousin did one of the worst things a girl could possibly do. She got pregnant. Her son is lost to her and us. A terrible price to pay.

Ten years ago her brother did the same thing.

Her brother’s son is part of the family. The same people who took attitudes of moral indignation over her situation (and my own), welcome his son with open arms.

That is a perfect example of moral relativism to me.  And why on my Facebook page I describe my religious views as flexible.

Peace

UM

Good Morning!

The title of yesterday’s post “At the Corner of Lost and Found” was partly inspired by the experience of a friend of mine.

She found her daughter by putting an ad in the “Lost and Found” column of the local hip youth-oriented weekly newspaper. She was going to use the personals column but when she read what was in the “Personals” she changed her mind. There was some connecting going on but not the kind she was hoping for. The woman at the newspaper suggested the “Lost and Found” column.

And it worked.

Her daughter’s friends saw it first and told her about it.

She met her daughter the same day I met my son and the adoption group suggested we might want to connect and share our experiences and support each other.

Just in case there is anyone out there looking, I just thought I’d share this rather unique approach.

Of course the records should be open but while you are waiting, and if you are searching, a little creativity never hurts.

Peace

UM