Silhouette of Family

It is the intensity of this relationship and Dr. Atkinson’s confirming findings that make the real-life drama of Rachael Clark’s life story so utterly amazing. Dane and Jennifer Clark waited for eight years and fostered more than 40 babies before finally getting the phone call that their county’s child protection service office had a baby girl ready for them to adopt.

RACHAEL’S STORY
On the September day in 1989 when Rachael was born, she was knotted in a dark, plastic garbage bag and thrown into a dumpster hard enough to cause her skull to fracture. She was badly injured and had hematomas, blood poolings, on both sides of her head. Her umbilical cord and placenta were still attached. Thomas Stephenson heard the baby crying in the back of his wife’s flower shop and rescued her, just moments before she ran out of oxygen.

The search for Rachael’s birth parent began, but they were never found. Rachael is now 23 years old and a straight-A student, graduating from the University of Maryland/ She is planning on getting married this summer and would like to have at least four children. She has set a goal to write a book about adoption and she also intends on pursuing her master’s degree in marriage and family therapy.

Today Rachael is okay, other than her issues with abandonment. Despite years of intensive therapy she still has some days that are just really rough getting through. But overall, Rachael is doing very well thanks to the continued love and support of Dane and Jennifer Clark. They have loved her unconditionally from the moment they first met her 23 years ago.

The Clarks have decided to make their story public for Rachael’s sake. Because, in spite of everything that has happened, Rachael has a deep desire to locate her birth parents. This desire is something that has persisted throughout her life. And as strange as it may sound, it is something that I too, as a foster mother of children, each with their own horror story about neglect, abandonment or abuse, who too, want nothing more in the world, than to ‘right’ the ‘wrong’ of the relationship with their natural parents. This attachment is something that pulls at each and every single child that has walked into our home over our our entire foster career.

ET

Like the ‘love-light’ in Spielberg’s ET, these children are connected to this yearning to reconnect, to get another chance to make it right, to be accepted this time, and not discarded, not rejected, not made to feel as if they are unworthy of their birth parent’s love. The light dims, and in many cases with older, angry children, it gets muddied and covered over with a lot of dirt; but it never gets extinguished… NEVER!

According to NBC Washington Rachael has ‘more questions than anger’ for her birth family. “I just want to be able to tell them that I forgive them,” she said. “I definitely would want to tell them that I forgive them, and that my life has been great without them,” she added. Rachael has gotten to this point in her life after years and years of intensive therapy and the miraculous love and support of her Dane and Jennifer Clark.

But for the hundreds of thousands of other foster children, many of whom have not been adopted, but who remain wards of the county protective agencies; the ones that get bounced from place to place and continue to learn more and more destructive, negative behaviors; the end result is certainly not aimed at forgiveness. If only people of all walks of life, no matter what paths they choose, could understand and internalize the massive impact of the parental bond they assume before they give birth to yet another child who they are not in a position to care for and love.

ABOUT ME

I’m a licensed clinical social worker and have worked extensively as a counselor with children, adolescents, couples and families. I combine professional experience in the mental health field along with my love of writing to provide insight into real-life experiences and relationships. I hope my down-to-earth approach to living a happier, more meaningful life is easy to understand and just as easy to start implementing right away for positive results!

My souls dies a little bit every day….ever passing day…..

“Well, this is new,” I say.  ”What brought this on?”

Shrugging shoulders, her usual reply, Daughter states, “Oh, I’ll still go ’cause it’s something to do on a Friday.  But it’s a waste of time.”

Since I won’t let her not go without a much better reason than that, she confesses that everyone who attends seems to get all of the attention and she sits by the sidelines, patiently waiting her turn and never getting it.  ”Well, that’s a much better reason, but the whole point of girls’ group is group participation by all the girls who attend.  What happened?  Don’t you speak to the group leader about feeling neglected?”

Again with the shoulder shrug.  Daughter admits to nothing.

A few days later, she stayed over a friend’s house for the weekend.  She comes from a not exactly religious background, but church-oriented.  This friend, Shanna, belongs to a Christian teen’s group run by her church.  It meets right after girls’ group, and since it didn’t conflict, Daughter wanted to know if she could attend.  I didn’t see any harm.  It met on a Friday, and although it ran a little later than I would have liked, it was within an acceptable time.

Apparently having an enjoyable time is what makes girls’ group less effective but seems to be perfect for Christian teen group, or that’s what Daughter intimated when asked.  Sitting on the kitchen stool as I made dinner, she struck up a conversation about her experience with the teen group.  ”It was a lot of fun!” she said, excitedly.  ”After we all arrived, there was snacks for us and we sat around, introducing ourselves.  Then there was a service, and the reverend said that we were all children of God and how Jesus loved us, no matter what our problems were.  Jesus would also help us during our darkest hour, and when we were tempted he’d help us make the right decisions.”

Pretty standard Christian stuff, I thought.  ”So what else did you do?” I asked.

“Well, we sang, then talked some more, then it was time to leave.”

“It doesn’t sound like a whole lot went on, really.  More like a service with some recreation thrown in.”

“NO!” Daughter insisted, “It was much more than that.  I felt like I belonged and that these people can really help me solve my problems.”

“How?” I asked.  ”Were there trained therapists that broke the teens into groups?  Did they choose a particular topic to discuss?”

“No, it wasn’t like that.  It was really special and I enjoyed going.  I don’t want to go to girls’ group anymore.  I want to go to this!”

That wasn’t going to happen.  While there’s really nothing objectionable about the Christian teen group, it’s no substitute for counseling.  To me, the teen group is structured social time with a religious message.  With girls’ group, it’s a therapist expertly guiding young women through issues to come to a resolution.  I told Daughter she wasn’t going to substitute one for the other.

That didn’t go over well with Daughter at all.  She became quite upset, saying that Jesus had been missing from her life and that he deserved a place within it.

“Since when?” Andrew asked her.  ”Your grandfather gave you a bible and you never read it.  You have never asked to go to church, and even when you visit your grandparents you only go when then insist or tell you they’ll take you out to breakfast.  Why the sudden change?”

If there’s one thing we’ve come to expect from Daughter, it’s not a straight answer.  ”You know,” she protests, “you guys always say that I should go out with my friends, that I should try to make myself a better person, and here I find this great group to attend and you won’t let me go.  It’s even free!  What could be better than that?  You just don’t want to let me go because you don’t go to church.”

While that might be the case, that isn’t the reason, nor did we ever say she could substitute one for the other.  ”They’re two different things, and you can attend both, but not only the church group.  There’s no counseling, there’s no trained therapist guiding you through issues, and where’s the confidentiality in case one of you decides to talk about something controversial?”

“You just don’t want me to go!  That’s it!” Daughter yells, storming off.

Later, when she’s calm, I say, “Look, if you have a problem with the girls’ group, why don’t you say something to the therapist in charge?  She really needs to know if you aren’t getting what you need from it, because if you aren’t, others aren’t.  That’s not fair to the whole group, either.”

“I just don’t want to go, okay?” Daughter states plainly.

There has to be more to this.  I take it upon myself to inform the girls’ group therapist about Daughter’s sudden change of heart.  GGT tells me that Daughter is welcome to bring up any issues she has just before the session begins.  This way, she’ll get it off of her chest.  But when the time comes, Daughter doesn’t, so I ask GGT if we can stay a few minutes later and speak about it.

We go in GGT’s office and sit.  Daughter suddenly becomes quiet when I ask her to voice her issue with the group. She retreats into her chair, saying that I am much better at doing these things.  ”But it’s not my group, and it’s your place to say to GGT what you need to tell her.  It’s important.”

Daughter finally manages to tell GGT that her group isn’t doing it for her, as it’s too social and doesn’t address any issues that have been helpful to her.  GGT is in shock.  ”But you always participate!” she surprisingly states.  ”What happened?  You also contribute great suggestions.  What’s missing?”

“Shall I leave the room?  Do you need confidentiality?”  Daughter says no, she just can’t speak up for herself, so I tell GGT about the Christian teen group that Daughter attended, and how she wishes to go to that instead.

GGT runs a similar program with her temple.  ”Look,” she smiles, “I do this as well for my temple.  The whole point is to have fun, toss in religion but also give teens a safe place to congregate for a few hours.  It’s not meant to be therapy, just religious-themed fun.  But in girls’ group, we do have some fun to take off the edge of the seriousness of all of your problems.  Laughter in the face of despair doesn’t make your problems any less important, it helps to ease your pain so that we can get all of you the assistance you need to face your issues to solve them.  Girls’ group also is a camaraderie, we have fun but we work, too.  If everyone doesn’t trust each other, then how can anyone help?  Trust takes a very long time.  You don’t get that in any social group.  People get to know and like each other, but they don’t rely on each other’s opinions like they do here.”

Daughter frowned.  As it turned out, she confessed that she often doesn’t like talking about what’s bothering her.  She does trust the other girls, but she lacks the courage to face her issues – an ongoing problem we’ve had since she became part of our family.

“No one likes to admit they have problems, but that’s the only way anything’s ever going to get solved,” GGT stated.  ”And while the teen group is a great thing and you should go because you enjoy it, please don’t think it can help you like this group can.  But remember, we can only help if you allow yourself to share.  Otherwise, you’ll get discouraged because everyone else will find solutions except you.  Don’t let that be the case.”

In the end, Daughter said that she would continue with girls’ group, trying harder to participate and baring her soul.  And yes, maybe even the teen group would help her develop it, too.  She can, after all, go to both.

Review for Mom at Last: How I Never Gave Up on Becoming a Mother

I’m not a mom, but still found plenty to identify with in Sharon Simons’s Mom at Last: How I Never Gave Up on Becoming a Mother. Whether because of failed first marriages or wasted time with boyfriends whose true motives and motivations don’t become clear until months into a relationship, many readers will find it easy to understand how Simons reached her late thirties without finding the husband — and future father — of her dreams. She’s fortunate enough to discover both in Rick, a surgeon who already had kids of his own, but was willing to give fatherhood another try for her sake. As it turns out, finding her prince was the easiest step on her long road to motherhood. Simons endures three in-vitro fertilization procedures, a miscarriage that almost kills her in both body and spirit, an almost-laughably bad Big Brothers/Big Sisters experience, and a harrowing journey to Siberia before finally becoming a Mom at Last, and I think many women will see some of their own lives in the path she took to get there.

Meet Dwayne! Dwayne is a big goofball who came in as a stray. He’s now looking for a forever home. Dwayne is a good boy but he’s very energetic so he’ll make a great running partner and would love to find himself a family that could match his activity level. He would REALLY love a home with older children and one without cats. If that’s you, can you come pick him up please? He’s ready to go home!

Hey there! I’m Casey and I’m a pretty typical Rottweiler. I’m big and goofy and oh so friendly. I drool some (it just means I’m super excited to see you and share my dog breath!) I ended up here because my family was moving and couldn’t take me with them. I’m just four and will fit in lovely with a nice family. I come with an added bonus – I have most of my training already. I love dogs and kids and adults and people and furry things, except cats, I’m not a huge fan of those. Here I am sitting pretty for a cookie. Are you my forever?

Dudley is new to CCSPCA but he is already charming the staff and volunteers. He was brought in as a stray and is now looking for his very own family! For a young,  energetic dude, he is amazingly docile, but needs a little time to warm up. When you’ve made friends though he’s butter on your toast (as you can see from this photo of him looking up fondly at one of the volunteers).

And finally I bring you ORBIT! This handsome man comes with his very own trick – he waves hello on cue! (For clicks and cookies please!) Orbit is a CCSPCA veteran. After he was returned because he didn’t get along so hot with his new dog siblings, he’s looking for a nice cozy lap to cuddle into, preferably where he can be the star of the show (as an only pet). If you think you’re ready for a star studded personality that threatens to sweep anyone off his/her feet, come by and meet Orbit!

That’s it for now. Stay tuned for more Photographer’s Favorites featuring the wonderful pets of the Chester County SPCA soon (I’ll be sure to have some featured cats next time)! And as always, thanks for visiting!

We definitely get the feeling that Lucy is not going to get us to panel before she goes on maternity leave. She was referring to ‘handing us over’ for other sections of the form and saying that she wanted to get some sections ‘complete’ before she leaves. Oh well, it was a very ambitious idea!

It is so strange because after every visit, we pour our hearts out and give so much of ourselves away to effectively a stranger and then the stranger goes, leaving us feeling empty and spent, and not quite knowing what to do with ourselves. The best thing I think is to meet up with friends and talk about something else with a nice glass of wine!

Another thing that happened is that my beloved’s mother and my sister met with Lucy and talked about us. It was quite exciting for the family to be involved and quite a nice feeling to know that the process is going through its motions. I think our family found it quite interesting to find out more and to meet Lucy. It sounded as if both visits went well and now two more references to go! This will be our two close friends who have known us a long time. They both have received the form so I guess we wait to hear when they will meet our SW.  

Another thing that happened (it was a while ago but I forgot to add it) is that we had our medicals done. Well, when I say medicals, I really mean a doctor who went through some notes and asked some questions. We met the same doctor on different days and times and it sounded as though he was having a bad day when she saw him as he was quite rude and inefficient. He didn’t check her weight, height and quite insensitively asked ‘can’t you have children of your own?’. Luckily, my beloved is made of stronger stuff and didn’t feel upset by this. However, this would be quite upsetting for someone who was infertile. So after hearing about her horror story, I was fully prepared to fight my corner. However, he seemed to be in a better mood and his so-called subtle version of asking me if I was infertile was ‘do you have any children of your own?’. After I had said, ‘no, not yet’, he looked at me for a moment, pondering whether he should push it any further but wisely, chose not to. He did some ridiulous medical check on me by bending and flexing my arms and legs. It’s quite astonishing that such a lack lustre approach could warrant him getting paid by our LA to write this report. I suppose it has to be doe but really, the doctor could have had more of a sensitive approach. I’m glad it’s done and over but waiting to hear back if the medical advisor from the LA wants to discuss anything further, which wouldn’t be surprising as the form is shoddily completed.

So now we are left with the question: who will we get when Lucy goes on maternity leave and will they be as nice as Lucy? I hope so!

This is one of my favorite verses. The simplicity of this truth is so encouraging and comforting. Sometimes our minds are so quick to go to places that will only cause us more anxiety and stress as we attempt to hande things on our own. While in a time of confusion, or when our mind is just filled with question after question, we simply need to let God whisper this to us. I imagine Him saying, “Jackie, wait on me. Be strong and take heart. Don’t worry about a thing. Just wait on me.”

My friend Jenna, who has become a treasured friend and mentor for wise counsel in my life, recently asked me what the Lord has been teaching me. The word that immediately came to mind was, “waiting.” He has me in a season of waiting. I went home with a yearning to dig deeper into what I needed to learn about this season. Why was the word “waiting” the first thing that had come to mind? What am I really waiting for? 

I started to run a list of things through my head that I often find myself waiting for. Once i’ve prayed, I’m waiting for a sign. When i’ve applied for a job, I’m waiting for an acceptance or a rejection. When I text someone, I’m wait for a text back. When i’m in an airplane, i’m waiting to land at my destination. When I watch the Spurs game, I’m waiting for 4 periods of play to see if they win. When I order a coffee from Starbucks, I wait at the end of the counter for the barista to say my name so I can grab my drink. I’m waiting to see who I will marry one day. I sometimes feel that I can’t even wait to be a mom. The list could go on, and on, and on. 

What i’ve realized about each and every thing on my list that I find myself waiting for, will only be restful if I wait on the Lord. I feel like it’s somewhat of a domino effect. If I wait on the Lord; if I take heart; if I am strong in Him, waiting on Him and His timing will be a time full of joy and excitement, even if it’s painful at times. It can be as small as waiting for my drink at Starbucks, or something as big as waiting to hear about a job. 

Understanding that I have been adopted by God himself through Jesus Christ in accordance with His pleasure and will (Ephesians 1:5) has given me new perspective on waiting on Him. I lived 17 years of my life in sin. Little did I know, God had planned to save me in that very moment of salvation when he changed my heart. He knew that I was an adopted daughter. Little did I know, I had been waiting 17 years to find and accept eternal life in Jesus. 

“I waitied patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.” -Psalm 40:1-3

In times of waiting, whatever is at the end of the road starts to feel like a prize. In Starbucks, the prize is my venti Chai Tea Latte. In an airplane, the prize is my destination. In waiting for my husband, the prize is a life glorifying the Lord with him. In waiting for a job, the prize is getting the position. While waiting through 4 periods of game play, the prize at the end of the Spurs game comes when they walk off the court with a victory. 

Ultimately, we have to remember what our ultimate prize is. It is eternal life in our Lord, Jesus Christ. He is who we are waiting for. 

“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self- controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope- the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all the wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.” -Titus 2:11-14

Just think about the moment of your salvation. How much peace did you feel when God became the Lord of your life? I remember feeling unspeakable and indescribable joy. It all just made sense. Jesus died for me so that I may have eternal life with Him in Heaven. I don’t deserve it one bit, but that’s the point. I have been saved by the grace of God. I did not, even for one second, think to myself during those 17 years, “man, I’m just waiting for God to save my soul.” But God knew exactly what He was doing. Now i’m able to spend the rest of my life learning more about Him, talking to Him, glorifying Him, and worshipping Him. What an unbelievable gift that is. 

There are always going to be things that i’m waiting for. Through my narrow lense I see myself waiting to walk down the aisle to be married. I see myself waiting 9 months to give birth to a beautiful baby. I see myself waiting to hear back from a possible employer. I see myself waiting to hear if my husband and I will be able to buy that house. I can see myself waiting to walk across the stage at my college graduation. I see myself waiting in excitement on the plane ride to Guatemala this summer. As I take a step back from my narrow way of thinking, I can see even just a little bit of the bigger picture. My life here on Earth is a season of waiting. I’m called to spend my life here spreading the good news, learning more about who He is through His word, and sharing the love of Jesus with the people that I meet. He’s called me to a specific purpose here as I wait to go home to spend eternity with Him, my perfect creator.

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.” -Psalm 130:5

About a month ago, a close friend of mine lost one of her high school students, Bailey, in a car accident. I had the blessing of serving alongside Bailey not too long ago, and i’m so thankful that I was given that sweet time with her. Yesterday, Bailey’s mom sat behind me in church. It was senior Sunday and all of the parents of graduating seniors were asked to come forward to be prayed over. Bailey was supposed to graduate in just a few short weeks and go to A&M. Her Mom and Dad walked up to the parents and their graduating teenagers and laid hands on them. As they came back to their seats, I could hear Desiree weeping. I couldn’t even imagine the pain that she must have been feeling in that moment. Her baby-girl had been taken from her so recently, so suddenly, so unexpectedly. The Cooper family absolutely loves the Lord. One things that’s beautiful about this tragedy is the perspective that has been given to us from the Lord. The Coopers, even through the pain and hurting, know that they will see Bailey again one day. Bailey has gone home to be with Jesus, and the rest of her family will continue to glorify the Lord here on Earth until it is their time. I’m sure that each one of the Coopers can’t wait to see Bailey again, but until then, they will wait on the Lord, and trust Him in their healing, and trust Him to bring them comfort. 

Regardless of what you’re going through, or what you are waiting for, know that even when you become tired in the waiting, the Lord knows what He is doing. He is working out every single perfect detail. Ultimately, we’re waiting here for Him. He is our treasure.

Expect, look, and long for Him. Trust Him. Wait on Him.

“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justive. Blessed are all who wait for him.” -Isaiah 30:18

Any way! In the process of God’s transformation in my life, He has been dealing with each thing, step by step, one thing at the time, as I allowed him to cleanse me. Did you realize that? He can NOT do it if you do not let him! I have had to realize this myself. And it works in every area of my life, one at the time!

As I have struggled  and I mean really struggled with this ONE, I will be sincere on telling you that I tried so hard to change, I had confessed so many times to my Father that I COULD NOT DO IT. I prayed, I made notes to myself, wrote Bible verses that would help me remember in the moment I was tempted, and NOTHING worked. Sammy and I argued about it many times, he tried to help me, but it did no good. We would make agreements on how to handle the situation, then I was back where I started!

One day, desperate, I asked God to do something because I was tired of trying. I did not know what to expect of course, but I have learned to believe him, because if I dispose myself to Him, HE WILL ANSWER!

Some weeks passed by, and everything continued as before, I would “dominate” my problem for a while, then I would fail terribly! I told my Father, DO SOMETHING!!! PLEASE!!!!

One day, it came by surprise  it came as something I did not expect, GOD REMOVED THE SOURCE OF MY TEMPTATION! When I noticed what had happened I was hurt for a few days, I missed it, it was like someone had cut off part of my freedom. But in a few days I recognized the truth, GOD HAD DONE IT! So I immediately thanked Him.

All of a sudden I felt free! I could let it go! My problem is not necessarily bad, but I took it to an extreme that was hurting my husband; he tried to help me but did not want to hurt me. God knows what is necessary for each one of us in each situation, I am so grateful, and trusting Him completely in this thing, I can not express how much!

God knew I could not handle this on my own, I was given it a very good try! But could not do it! So he took matters into his own hands! HALLELUJAH! HE IS A FAITHFUL GOD, AND A WONDERFUL FATHER.

THANK YOU FATHER FOR BEING PATIENT WITH ME AND FOR MAKING ME YOUR DAUGHTER. THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME!

Ok, so he actually just plunked out a few notes that will someday become Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, but as the parent, I’m allowed to exaggerate his abilities, right?

He’s a musical genius.

Oh, and you have to see him bow.  Bowing is his FAVORITE part of his weekly piano lessons.  It’s pretty amazing.

When he bowed at recital, he became thrilled by the fact that everyone was clapping for him!  He actually joined in and clapped for himself!

We enrolled Nasko in the Latta Suzuki School of Music during the last week of February.  Our worship minister suggested trying Nasko on the Suzuki method, as it is based on listening to rhythms, sounds, and tones, rather than reading music.

Nasko has impeccable rhythm, and we thought this experience would be good for him.

The Reverend and I have NO rhythm, so we had to seek outside help…

When I first met his instructor (you’ll see her sweet self in the video) I panicked.  Nasko has a waaaay with older ladies.  He learned to manipulate them in the orphanage, and he continues to use these skills daily.

For example, a month ago when Nasko’s preschool class went to an assisted living center to sing some songs for the residents, Nasko hung around at the back of the line as all the classes were lining up to leave the building.  Just as it was his turn to exit and board the bus, he went running back to one of the sweet, older ladies, grabbed her hand, and laid a huge kiss on it.  Then he ran back to line like nothing ever happened.

Of course the entire room of residents swooned…

Another example is from church; Nasko literally does not know the names of the other children in his Sunday School class, but he seeks out Cec, Bonnie, Carol, Linda, Roberta, Shirley, and Mary every week.  He sees them, hugs them, and greets each one of them by name.

So you can imagine my fears when I saw that Ms. Bonnie Latta was a sweet, older lady; I thought our money and time would be wasted.

Thankfully, I was wrong!

Mrs. Latta has worked with multiple special needs kids and while she is very sweet, she is determined to make Nasko listen.  He really respects her and mostly does what she asks! You know, as much as Nasko does what anyone asks…

So, without further ado, here is my musical genius performing “Pre-Twinkle”:

The musical talent got progressively better, but I dare say it did not get much cuter!

We’re excited to see what God does with Nasko’s rhythmic abilities and maybe even someday, hear the entire tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star…

Until then, did you see that bow?!

Anyone who has little people in their lives, whether their own children, children of friends, or nieces and nephews has heard the phrase uttered “What should I do? There’s nnoooottthhhiiinnnggg to do!” I don’t think anyone on the planet could understand them better than women in the long wait for motherhood.

We often face the question of what to do with ourselves while we wait, and wait, and wait. Sure, there is a world full of stuff to do, mountains to climb (proverbial and real), and checklists to tackle. Yet even so, it can feel like there is nothing to do, because in some sense there isn’t.

When children verbalize that feeling we tell them that there are a million things to do; go play with your friend, go read a book, go ride your bike, and on and on and on. Yet those of us living in the endless wait know just how those children feel; bored out of our unimaginative minds.

People will tell us that we just have to keep living our lives. Plan your vacations! Climb the ladder at work! Spend time with friends and family! Enjoy this time without children because you will miss it when they arrive!

Yet just as those children do with the advice of well meaning elders, we throw our hands up in disgust and say, “No you don’t understand, there is nothing to do!”

We can’t move forward into parenthood. We can’t move backwards into the bliss of ignorance. And we can’t stay here because time won’t let us stop moving.

So what do we do when there’s nothing to do?

We become the teachers of patience. We become the teachers of perseverance. And we become the keepers of endless disappointments.

People who love us will tell us that it makes us stronger, that it makes us wiser, that it makes us into the great parents we will one day be. Perhaps it does, perhaps it doesn’t. And all of these things we have time, so much time, to contemplate.

Even so, at some point for many of us it will come to the point where there truly is nothing more to do. No more paperwork, no more tests, no more procedures, no more home visits or adoption profiles. No more. There will be nothing more to do.

 And when we reach that point, though not the answer any of us wants to hear, all that we can do is sit in the uncomfortable Twister-like position of our lives and hold onto that contortion for as long as our hearts will take it. Because we know, we all know, that if we give into the shaking of our muscles, if we give into the fatigue, if we give into the sweat dripping down our brows, we will fall, and when we do we will lose the most important game of our lives.

We have too many pit bulls. All we have are pit bulls. We have a pit bull problem. Nobody wants to adopt our pit bulls.

Across the country, in interviews with the local news, these sound bites are repeated over and over. Usually intended to be a call for help, a positive plug for the dogs, or to evoke sympathy for the dogs, these kinds of blanket statements from animal shelters may be doing more damage than we realize. When we tell the public we have “too many pit bulls” we unintentionally frame the dogs as less valuable than other dogs at the shelter.

In other words, it makes the “pit bull” dogs sound like a problem: Dear Public, Our organization has a problem, because we have too many of these dogs who are a problem for us to adopt out. Can you help us with this overwhelming problem?

It is easier for us to value one individual than it is for us to value an entire group. It is easier for us to devalue a group than it is for us to devalue an individual.

By framing the dogs as a problem that needs fixing, we wind up teaching the public to view “pit bull” dogs as less valuable than other dogs who are not a problem. We teach the public to think less of the very dogs we’d like to inspire them to adopt. And these language habits of ours end up making the public numb to this grouping of dogs we have created.

That’s not to say that in some areas there aren’t large numbers of dogs labeled “pit bull” who are waiting for adoption. Or that in some areas, adopters are hesitant to adopt “pit bull” dogs, therefore making it more of a challenge to send the dogs home. That very well may be the case.

However, when we talk about the dogs – internally or publicly – it’s important that we consider how our words might be framing the dogs in such a way that the dogs become a negative abstraction – an overwhelming problem – rather than individual dogs who deserve our compassion. This is important to understand because it can actually stop people from adopting the dogs. Big problems, that feel overwhelming, can cause a freeze in the public’s willingness to help.

Psychologist Paul Slovic, author of “If I Look at the Mass I Will Never Act: Psychic Numbing and Genocide” found that the greater the number of victims, the more we depersonalized the individuals involved. And when we stop seeing others as individuals, it makes it easier to create psychological and emotional distance from them. This causes indifference to those in need.

If we feel overwhelmed by the number of those in need of help (in this case pit bulls at the shelter) we are less likely to see them as individuals, and therefore less likely to take action to help them.

Psychic numbing also affects shelter workers. If we feel overwhelmed by the volume of the dogs that are in need of our attention, it can cause us to throw up our hands. It’s not unusual to feel a sense of powerlessness or helplessness in the face of broad or complex problem such as homeless pets. This can cause us to feel numb and detached from the dogs, incapable of getting to know them as individuals. You may feel as though none of your personal efforts matter. And this can generate a sense of apathy towards the “problem dogs” in your care.

Slovic notes that the numbers of victims and psychic numbing are related. The blurring of individuals can start in as little as just two victims! In order for humans to feel compelled to help or take action, they must be able to recognize individuals who are in need of compassion or assistance. Seeing the victims as valued individuals – not just an abstract group – allows us to identify with and feel empathy for them. This compels us to act.

So what does this mean for shelters that have “too many pit bulls?” If you want to boost the staff’s enthusiasm for the dogs, as well as their sense of possibility, AND encourage the public to adopt, we need to stop devaluing the dogs. We can start to do this by ceasing to communicate about “pit bull” dogs as if they are a problem. Instead, we can celebrate the dogs.

Teach the public see the “pit bull” dogs as individuals who are worthy of their compassion. Help them get to know the personalities and preferences of some of the individual dogs in your care, so that they can appreciate the singular dogs that are a part of this big group called “pit bull” dogs. Help the public make a more personal connection to the dogs, to get them to care and then take action.

Overwhelming negative abstract problem = apathy and numbness.

Valuable individual with likes and dislikes = empathy and action.

Remember, when it comes to eliciting compassion and inspiring action, there is no better, more effective approach to snapping out of the numbness then identifying an individual in need, with a face and a name.

As Mother Theresa said, “If I look at the mass I will never act. If I look at the one, I will.”

At our last session she gave big girl some relaxation tips, the result were instant and incredible, but the novelty wore off quite quickly and she soon returned to her poor sleep pattern.

So today, armed with big girls sleep diary’s for the last 3 weeks I looked forward to some getting new advice on what we could try next.

No, it seems that they’re out of idea’s and I’ve had my full quota of 6 sessions.

So big girl just has to try harder it seems, great!

This little guy is such an amazing wonder!  He came to us at 7 months as ‘non-adoptable’.  He & his birth mother were our foster kids.  After a series of events & 2 years, he officially became our son at 2 1/2 years old.

He is a miracle….for a child that was non-verbal for almost 4 years, you’d never know it now.

We were told by specialists that he’d never talk, communicate, bond, etc, let alone be able to learn, read,write.  Well, our great big God showed otherwise.  Josh is finishing 1st grade and is reading at a mid-3rd grade level.  Has been finished with the grade level expectations for math, reading & spelling since last fall!!!!!  No longer has a need for an IEP (individualized education plan).  He is 100% miraculous.

Here’s Josh when he was about 1 1/2 years old.  He was such a sour puss for so long.  Now he is well aware of who he is and that he is unconditionally loved by us & by his heavenly father God.

Josh LOVES baseball.  So Dave & I decorated a cake for him that was sour patch kids vs. gummi bears.  He loved it.  

Josh is a Detroit Tigers FANATIC!!!!   The boy is practically obsessed with them.  So, of course, we got him what he asked for….Tigers stuff! My mom and dad got his baseball cards…the boy is in baseball heaven!

So happy birthday son of mine. You are so loved!!!!!!

We spend nearly 10 months in the adoption process plus another few years before that trying to get pregnant; seeing doctors; under-going tests, etc.  The journey has been long, but when I look back, the journey was right.  And I praise God that when things failed, when pregnancy tests came back negative, when doctors said there was nothing wrong with us, when we experienced two failed adoptions; that God was right there giving us the strength needed to endure; for God knew.  God knew about Mayah but couldn’t tell us quite yet.  God knew what the plan was, but we weren’t ready yet. God had a picture of our family, but he couldn’t show us yet.

And I am thankful that we went through what we went through.  I believe it made Connie and I who we are today.  It strengthened our relationship with God and with each other.  And I believe it made us better parents.  Sure…there is much for us to learn but considering God’s track record with us over the past few years, I am not at all worried; for God is indeed in control.

It is so easy to get frustrated with God when things don’t work out the way you think they should work out but remember:

God knows
God has a plan
God is faithful.

After all…who’s plan do you want to trust in?  Yours or God’s?  I’ll take God’s plan all the time

Thank you, God, for giving us strength, patience and endurance.  Thank you for not abandoning us in our time of need.  Thank you for using us to bring about your will.  And thank you God for bringing Mayah into our lives.  We have much to learn about you, each other and about Mayah, and I am going to enjoy that journey.  Thank you God; for you are awesome.  Amen!

~ Eric ~

We have $14,000 in adoption expenses left. We leave in 3 and 1/2 weeks. We need to come up with around $8,000 to make this happen! We are asking everyone to share and donate $5, $10, $25… whatever to help us reach this goal. We have two ways to donate, straight through our agency or through paypal. Both links are included below. We are putting this info out there humbly, and with a little bit of weirdness. We know we cannot get Lola home by ourselves and we are immensely thankful to anyone who would care to take part in her story. God has been faithful and He will see us through this journey!

Lola, 5 years old, coming home in June!

Donate through paypal here.

Donate directly through our agency here. Select Eternal Family Fund under designation and put Erica and Calvin Ho in the notes section. All funds given will go directly toward Lola’s adoption expenses.

Confused about how to make a gift to our current matching grant challenge? Please send all gifts made payable to “Hand in Hand Christian Adoption” postmarked by May 31, 2013 to: (for tax purposes please include our name on the outside of the envelope only…DO NOT PUT OUR NAME ON THE CHECK). If they receive gifts after that date, it will go towards the general adoption fund for their matching grants and not to us.
Hand in Hand Christian Adoption, Inc.
Brandt Family
18318 Mimosa Court
Gardner, KS 66030

We are in waiting stage right now a little longer than had been predicted due to delays with translation of our dossier (honestly nothing we could have done to have prevented it).  Praying that our dossier’s translation will be completed THIS week and that it will be submitted to courts on Monday 5/27/so that we can be considered for the official referral of the children.  At this point not sure if we will be able to travel in July as we had hoped.  It may be in August.  We appreciate your prayers, encouragement & gifts while we are in “the waiting room.”