Over at Womanist Musings, Renee has a great breakdown of her perspective of what happened with Dr. Walsh during the segment. I particularly liked the places where she attends to “hipster racism” and satire. As someone who produces comedians every once in a while, I get to see whats happening in comedy writing and how super sharp and conscious comedians of color are responding to this sort of ‘new’ way of talking about race that somehow ends up being just as racist as generations ago.

My favorite so far isn’t even about the CNN thing, but is Whitney Teal’s article, “Sandra Bullock, Transracial Adoption, and the Worship of White Motherhood”, an amazing analysis of the way white privilege and white womanhood can get conflated to replicate what, (if we believed everyone who keeps telling us that racism doesn’t exist, and if we would just stop talking about it it would go away) we would like to think are dated ideas about how the construction of white and black womanhood are created in opposition to each other and what that has to do with adoption and race. I love this analysis because i spent an entire chapter of my dissertation talking and theorizing about this.

Apparently some message boards and email lists are also discussing how crazy the segment was with the limited time, but also how interesting it was that the segment about TRA issues was put right before Soledad O’Brien’s special report “Rescued”, but there wasn’t really any attempt to talk about the Haitian children who are being brought to the US to isolated, all white places. sigh.

For many of us scholars who are adoptees / fostercare alumni, the questions that are raised by SB adoption, and that were asked in this interview / panel were the same questions people have been asking over and over since transracial adoption became more of a public issue politically and racially during the 50′s when the Korean War adoptions began and the 1970′s when the Vietnamese Baby Lifts happened. So for us, So Sandra Bullock is like one tiny bump in a long history of black and brown children being adopted by white families. The issues remain the same except now we have moved to a place where we aren’t only concerned with domestic adoption but with the connections between child exploitation, paper orphaning, continued resistance to family preservation, devaluation of families of color and the entire economic market of children of color that continues to exploit unwed mothers who if they had the economic means, societal approval and support, would otherwise keep their children.

So regarding Sandra, its not really about her or her choices. Its unfortunate they have to be all over the media, but for us, its about an entire history and continue replication of a specific narrative around adoption and race and one that usually never includes adult adoptee researchers. So first, I have to hand it to CNN for taking the leap on putting someone, specifically an adoptee, who is a researcher and scholar on adoption issues who actually knows what they are talking about on their programming.

So. . . back to me. Personally, the whole day was super surreal, but I had a great time. I had my first ‘superstar’ moment when CNN ‘sent a car’ to pick me up. I actually found this incredibly important because everything happened so quickly, I really needed the time from my house to the studio in SF to go over notes, focus and stop giggling with excitement with my other AFAAD board member, Lisa Walker, who went with me for moral and technical support.

Talk back:

First, I couldn’t see either Don or Wendy in while I was set up in the satellite room, so I had no idea what Wendy looked like. I don’t have cable, so I don’t even watch CNN, so I had no sense of what they were putting on screen while any of us were talking. Overall, I’m pleased with how it went down, I was nervous but it felt great when I was done. yay!

For the most part, I will let the video speak for itself. My only overall comment is that I think its incredibly important for us to recognize the distinctions between mixed race biological children who are raised by a white parent and transracially adopted children of color raised in white families. As much as adoptive parents want to act like race doesn’t matter, sometimes they want to forget that adoption matters just as much.

Certainly for the mixed race person or adoptee, issues of struggling with the whiteness of your parent, the privilege of your parent who doesn’t want to recognize you as a person of color is similar. But what people forget is how the negotiation of two family histories is always part of the adoptee history, whether or not that adoptee acknowledges it or not or has the support from their family to explore issues what it might be like to think about a connection to a birth family and how that connection changes the parent – child relationship. (its not a good or bad change, its just a shift thats important to recognize.) In other words, a mixed race person with a white mother IS connected to that mother in a way where they can see their origins, their heritage, their family history as DIRECTLY connected to them. In a TRA family where the parent or parents are white, that connection is NOT there. Its there because of shared memories, its there because of a shared history since the adoptive relationship began, but not because the adoptee can look at the family and say, oh, i look like Aunt Edna, my nose is my mothers, I look like my brother, or I understand how great grandpa came over on the Mayflower and that’s a part of me. For and adoptee, that part is missing. There is no mirror of recognition in the faces of our families, or a history that spans back generation. Imagine how powerful it was for me to find out after 40 years that on the Filipino side of my family my grandfather came from the Philippines to work in the fields in Hawaii, and how amazing it was to find out that on my Black side of the family had a few active Black Panthers. Two tiny details that have given a kind of grounding to place my feet in. I am from somewhere.

Finally, I’m concerned about Ms. Walsh’s comment regarding her and her daughters being a ‘welcome racial curiosity’. Its this kind of language that forces me to remind parents of children of color that what is cool for you, is certainly NOT always cool for your kids. You may get off walking down the street with your beautiful exotic mixed race kid, who gets stares and comments. But how exactly do you think your child feels about being on display, about being stared at, about having people think that you dont really belong to your family. This is where the connection between mixed race children and adoptees DOES cross. Its not either or. Try to hold both at the same time folks.

Please comment and share. I’d love to get your thoughts on Don, Wendy and I. Lets talk folks!

What a great day. oh and to my OAKLAND folks. dudes, I’m SOOORRRY okay? I was looking at the reflection of myself in the screen with the picture of the GG Bridge behind me and SF just came out, I love and REP Oakland folks!! lol!

Thurs – Saturday June 3,4 +5
Thurs- Saturday June 10, 11 + 12

Please come!!

HTML Code:

AFAAD — Adopted and Fostered Adults of the African Diaspora is looking for qualified volunteers to work with our organization. We are looking for one interns and a few volunteers who will work collaboratively with the existing board and founding members, as well as the larger community to assist with our annual projects.

About AFAAD: AFAAD is an adoptee and foster care alumni led organization that connects, supports, and advocates for the needs of the African diasporic adoption and foster care community on a global level through community outreach, legislative advocacy, research, and social gatherings.

AFAAD believes that providing connections for and creating space to make visible the adoption and foster community in Black/ African diasporic cultures worldwide will give support to those who otherwise remain isolated in their experiences. Another of AFAAD objectives is to ensure that conversations around adoption in both academia and in populate culture progress in a way that include contributions by adult adoptees. We support those who are conducting cutting-edge research, restructuring child welfare laws and policies, and creating new artwork, performance and films that reflect our unique experiences and perspectives. We place race, culture and connection at the forefront of our stories. We are committed to voicing a powerful message about kinship, family, race, survival, and global black identities.

===========
Volunteer Position Commitment
5 -10 hours a week
May 15 – August 15, 2010

What we need:
-
- Nov 2010 conference planning support
- fundraising campaign support
- marketing and membership communication support (website, twitter, email lists, blog)
- newsletter development and editing
- website development support
- someone with their own laptop / portable
- administrative support (mailing, database entry, editing)

What you will get:
- experience developing a project from beginning to end
- experience with web marketing and communication
- development of professional relationships with a diverse group of adoptees and foster care alumni
- strong programming skills in a environment that respects your contributions
- volunteer appreciation lunch
- support for your future endeavors

Please contact Lisa Marie Rollins with a resume and brief letter of interest, stating your interest in volunteering at afaadinfo@gmail.com DEADLINE May 10, 2010

deets:
MIT
Friday April 30th
Bldg 32-Room 123
7:30-10:30pm

I’m so excited! I hope if you are near you can come out and say hello.

I’m super excited, I’ve been getting some press for it already, check it:

OMG! a whole page! (I rode my bike to go check it out)

Both of these articles came out today, and whats so interesting to me about them is the way that they are as wide as can possibly be in how they approach the story. Anyone who knows me knows that I (and most adult adoptees who have been doing this work for a while) am WAY past using “just” my own personal story to talk about the trauma and social justice work that must be done around adoption, people in foster care and for adoptees themselves. But its always amazing to me that no matter what, some journalists continue to focus on the fact that ‘back in the day’ adoptive parents had it all wrong and that today, adoptive parents have it all right because they’ve taken a few anti-racism classes or they are still, just concerned about providing a good home for the children. and whats wrong with that?

In Swan’s article, there is NO mention of my work that in global in nature and that it VERY much connects to the people who are adopting right this minute, and that Haiti and Ethiopia are on my radar when I’m writing creatively and doing social justice work. There is a mention of AFAAD, but only in a cursory way, saying I support adoptees who are looking to search. Okaaayyy… thats one thing I do, but its like one thing out of 50 that AFAAD focuses on. I get it, you cant do everything, and I am thankful for the press around my show, for real, but I also continue to be frustrated that the amazing press comes at the cost of my overall message about gender, race and the global politics of adoption.

And don’t get me started on the exotification of me as a mixed race girl in the Bay, and the title. Anyone who also knows me.. knows that I identify as BLACK/ Afropina and that I have deep, deep resistance to ‘mixed race’ identity politics that continue to claim transracial adoption as part of ‘their’ issues. WTH with the “Asian” in the title?”. No No. I get it, its about readers buying into the article and its the EBX, not Mother Jones. But hey, maybe I’ll get a date out of it. sweet!

The article itself is actually well written, strong in its emotionality and I’ve gotten LOTS of my friend commenting and emailing me who were very moved by the way that it was written. Overall, I like it. But to be clear, my critique is about the ways that media, writers and notably white adoptive parents continue to ignore the interests of adult adoptees, and actually many times fear that adult adoptee perspective.

Nexica’s article is brief, but certainly I appreciate the ways in which she attends to the context of our current moment and really understands that my story has implications beyond just some black girl whining about racist moments in her childhood.

just sayin.

Come to my show or please please – donate to the development so I can bring a fully realized piece to your city!!

March 3
Excerpt at WordsFirst at Counterpulse in SF, 7:30pm
For Tickets go HERE

Tickets, sliding scale: $15-$20
Half-price discount code: firstwords
Discount tix: $7.50-$10

April 8
Ungrateful Daughter full solo show Debut at StageWerks in SF, 8pm
and
April 22
Ungrateful Daughter full solo show Debut at StageWerks in SF, 8pm

TICKETS to the April 8th or 22nd shows Go here to BrownPaperTickets!

VOTE HERE!

I’m writing this to encourage those of us who are constantly fighting with ourselves around the guilt and fear we sometimes carry when we do this kind of work.

I’m also writing this to ask any of you to consider why its important for you to keep sending me these emails to tell me that you love your parents, as if I don’t love mine. Im also asking you to consider why its important for you to keep telling everyone around you that you are grateful. What happens if for a few days out of the year you are sad? or angry? or feeling the loss of your other family? what . . . that’s not okay?

Let me say, for the record. I love my parents. I love the HELL outta my parents. I would not be able to do what I do with out my parents and without my aunt and uncle who provide me with emotional, financial and spiritual support. My family is the shit. You don’t know me, so don’t assume I can’t love my parents and also have a social consciousness. One does not preclude the other.

I am grateful. Even as I counter, resist and push back against the discourse of gratefulness in adoption, I am thankful, I am blessed that my family is my family. I like who I am. I like my life. and I resist and push back at the same time, I can be both, without shame.

So, what?

Me loving my parents and my larger family, doesn’t preclude me from critiquing their racism, (and the racism of their geographical and church community) and how their and their communities personal racism and white privilege is microcosm of larger systems of white supremacy around the globe. It doesn’t make me able to forget or excuse the completely messed up stuff that happened to me as a child, the white boys that fucked with me, the white girls who betrayed me, the complete isolation I felt in an all white community, or the fact that my parents and family and their community still just have no idea what its like to be black person (let alone a black adopted person) in the U.S.

My love for them helps me forgive, but it doesn’t make me forget, ignore, or deny. Not anymore.

Most of you know I have a show called, “Ungrateful Daughter”. It’s funny to me how people respond to this title, but just so you know, the show is not about ‘actual’ ungratefulness toward my parents. It’s a comment about the discourse of gratefulness in adoption as a whole. Duh. Buy a ticket. Come see the show.

As an activist and performer who writes and speaks regularly about my family in my work, like most writers who tread into this territory, I carry a ridiculous amount of guilt that I am hurting them while I am working through my own demons around this. I’m sure the things I’m saying make them feel guilty, or angry at me or maybe shocks them, sometime they didn’t even know. But they still love me, just like I love them. They still support me, just like I support them. Even if I don’t understand them and if they don’t understand me. That’s what family does. and I will kick your ass if you talk about my momma, my daddy or my brothers.

If I would have waited until everyone dies or not written anything at all – I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have been able to heal at all around anything!! and for me – more importantly – outside of just the me in all this — I wouldn’t be able to hear from people who are in so much pain that they want to commit suicide, and that they read my blog and knew they weren’t crazy, or that tell me when they see my story on stage, they cried because that they never have spoken these words to anyone about how they felt. I wouldn’t be able to sit with the adopted youth that I work with, and tell them I actually do know how they feel when they tell me they got pulled over right in front of their own house in their all white neighborhood.

Healing wounds sometimes causes pain. Sometimes truth has to be spoken in order for true communication and healing to begin. What keeps me doing what I am doing is other adoptees, who tell me that what I am doing keeps them sane.

Ya’ll keep me sane too, you – telling me your stories, telling me about your struggle to find your birth parents and their rejection or inability to accept you. Your pain around not hurting your aunt who raised you and wont talk about your birth mother. Your parents who have lied to you about what they know about your birth country and your birth circumstances because they are afraid that you will reject them. Your sibling who raped you. Your uncle who says ‘nigger’ like it doesn’t mean anything. Your teachers in school who treated you like crap. The gym teacher who told you – you were an ugly black girl, and no one would ever want you, but then felt you up one day after class. Your fear of telling your parents they can’t say “Oriental” because its racist and hurts people. Your fears of being written out of the will if you even hint of thinking about searching for your birth family. These stories keep me sane. I am not alone.

Ya’ll keep me sane. Because I still struggle, even today, after doing all the healing I have done around this, the purging from the past, the exorcising on stage with poetry and stories, the academic research; I still struggle this very moment with what it means to be living in an in-between space. This space that is a part fully loving and being loved by my family, but still acknowledging and accepting myself as partially and always separate from them, and a developing part of myself that includes my birth family, but still separate from them – so where does that really leave me?

I’ve been able to partially negotiate this by creating “family” on my own, in my own community and by recognizing family in my global community of adoptees.

and really, more importantly what happens if I don’t talk? What happens if we don’t fight back? If we stay silent?

Haitian Baby Lifts, that’s what.

and you know what I have to say about that.

Here’s the link to the video sketch i was talking about around 35:40.

Please download the interview here, check it out and leave me comments and questions here.

and by the way, here’s another one I’ve done.. in case you wanna hear this too.

Me on NPR in 2007 after the Chad child trafficking scandal.

“This statement reflects the position of an international community of adoptees of color who wish to pose a critical intervention in the discourse and actions affecting the child victims of the recent earthquake in Haiti. We are domestic and international adoptees with many years of research and both personal and professional experience in adoption studies and activism. We are a community of scholars, activists, professors, artists, lawyers, social workers and health care workers who speak with the knowledge that North Americans and Europeans are lining up to adopt the “orphaned children” of the Haitian earthquake, and who feel compelled to voice our opinion about what it means to be “saved” or “rescued” through adoption.”

“We understand that in a time of crisis there is a tendency to want to act quickly to support those considered the most vulnerable and directly affected, including children. However, we urge caution in determining how best to help. We have arrived at a time when the licenses of adoption agencies in various countries are being reviewed for the widespread practice of misrepresenting the social histories of children. There is evidence of the production of documents stating that a child is “available for adoption” based on a legal “paper” and not literal orphaning as seen in recent cases of intercountry adoption of children from Malawi, Guatemala, South Korea and China. We bear testimony to the ways in which the intercountry adoption industry has profited from and reinforced neo-liberal structural adjustment policies, aid dependency, population control policies, unsustainable development, corruption, and child trafficking.”

“For more than fifty years “orphaned children” have been shipped from areas of war, natural disasters, and poverty to supposedly better lives in Europe and North America. Our adoptions from Vietnam, South Korea, Guatemala and many other countries are no different from what is happening to the children of Haiti today. Like us, these “disaster orphans” will grow into adulthood and begin to grasp the magnitude of the abuse, fraud, negligence, suffering, and deprivation of human rights involved in their displacements.”

“We uphold that Haitian children have a right to a family and a history that is their own and that Haitians themselves have a right to determine what happens to their own children. We resist the racist, colonialist mentality that positions the Western nuclear family as superior to other conceptions of family, and we seek to challenge those who abuse the phrase “Every child deserves a family”  to rethink how this phrase is used to justify the removal of children from Haiti for the fulfillment of their own needs and desires. Western and Northern desire for ownership of Haitian children directly contributes to the destruction of existing family and community structures in Haiti. This individualistic desire is supported by the historical and global anti-African sentiment which negates the validity of black mothers and fathers and condones the separation of black children from their families, cultures, and countries of origin.”

“As adoptees of color many of us have inherited a history of dubious adoptions. We are dismayed to hear that Haitian adoptions may be “fast-tracked” due to the massive destruction of buildings in Haiti that hold important records and documents. We oppose this plan and argue that the loss of records requires slowing down of the processes of adoption while important information is gathered and re-documented for these children. Removing children from Haiti without proper documentation and without proper reunification efforts is a violation of their basic human rights and leaves any family members who may be searching for them with no recourse. We insist on the absolute necessity of taking the time required to conduct a thorough search, and we support an expanded set of methods for creating these records, including recording oral histories.”

“We urge the international community to remember that the children in question have suffered the overwhelming trauma of the earthquake and separation from their loved ones. We have learned first-hand that adoption (domestic or intercountry) itself as a process forces children to negate their true feelings of grief, anger, pain or loss, and to assimilate to meet the desires and expectations of strangers. Immediate removal of traumatized children for adoption—including children whose adoptions were finalized prior to the quake— compounds their trauma, and denies their right to mourn and heal with the support of their community.”

“We affirm the spirit of Cultural Sovereignty, Sovereignty and Self-determination embodied as rights for all peoples to determine their own economic, social and cultural development included in the Convention on the Rights of the Child; the Charter of the United Nations; the UN Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples; and the International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights. The mobilization of European and North American courts, legislative bodies, and social work practices to implement forced removal through intercountry adoption is a direct challenge to cultural sovereignty. We support the legal and policy application of cultural rights such as rights to language, rights to ways of being/religion, collective existence, and a representation of Haiti’s histories and existence using Haiti’s own terms.”

“We offer this statement in solidarity with the people of Haiti and with all those who are seeking ways to intentionally support the long-term sustainability and self-determination of the Haitian people. As adoptees of color we bear a unique understanding of the trauma, and the sense of loss and abandonment that are part of the adoptee experience, and we demand that our voices be heard. All adoptions from Haiti must be stopped and all efforts to help children be refocused on giving aid to organizations working toward family reunification and caring for children in their own communities. We urge you to join us in supporting Haitian children’s rights to life, survival, and development within their own families and communities.”

Please contact the Adoptees of Color Roundtable by leaving a comment on the statement page if you would like to endorse this statement, and keep checking back as the site will soon be expanded.

“This statement reflects the position of an international community of adoptees of color who wish to pose a critical intervention in the discourse and actions affecting the child victims of the recent earthquake in Haiti. We are domestic and international adoptees with many years of research and both personal and professional experience in adoption studies and activism. We are a community of scholars, activists, professors, artists, lawyers, social workers and health care workers who speak with the knowledge that North Americans and Europeans are lining up to adopt the “orphaned children” of the Haitian earthquake, and who feel compelled to voice our opinion about what it means to be “saved” or “rescued” through adoption.”

“We understand that in a time of crisis there is a tendency to want to act quickly to support those considered the most vulnerable and directly affected, including children. However, we urge caution in determining how best to help. We have arrived at a time when the licenses of adoption agencies in various countries are being reviewed for the widespread practice of misrepresenting the social histories of children. There is evidence of the production of documents stating that a child is “available for adoption” based on a legal “paper” and not literal orphaning as seen in recent cases of intercountry adoption of children from Malawi, Guatemala, South Korea and China. We bear testimony to the ways in which the intercountry adoption industry has profited from and reinforced neo-liberal structural adjustment policies, aid dependency, population control policies, unsustainable development, corruption, and child trafficking.”

“For more than fifty years “orphaned children” have been shipped from areas of war, natural disasters, and poverty to supposedly better lives in Europe and North America. Our adoptions from Vietnam, South Korea, Guatemala and many other countries are no different from what is happening to the children of Haiti today. Like us, these “disaster orphans” will grow into adulthood and begin to grasp the magnitude of the abuse, fraud, negligence, suffering, and deprivation of human rights involved in their displacements.”

“We uphold that Haitian children have a right to a family and a history that is their own and that Haitians themselves have a right to determine what happens to their own children. We resist the racist, colonialist mentality that positions the Western nuclear family as superior to other conceptions of family, and we seek to challenge those who abuse the phrase “Every child deserves a family” to rethink how this phrase is used to justify the removal of children from Haiti for the fulfillment of their own needs and desires. Western and Northern desire for ownership of Haitian children directly contributes to the destruction of existing family and community structures in Haiti. This individualistic desire is supported by the historical and global anti-African sentiment which negates the validity of black mothers and fathers and condones the separation of black children from their families, cultures, and countries of origin.”

“As adoptees of color many of us have inherited a history of dubious adoptions. We are dismayed to hear that Haitian adoptions may be “fast-tracked” due to the massive destruction of buildings in Haiti that hold important records and documents. We oppose this plan and argue that the loss of records requires slowing down of the processes of adoption while important information is gathered and re-documented for these children. Removing children from Haiti without proper documentation and without proper reunification efforts is a violation of their basic human rights and leaves any family members who may be searching for them with no recourse. We insist on the absolute necessity of taking the time required to conduct a thorough search, and we support an expanded set of methods for creating these records, including recording oral histories.”

“We urge the international community to remember that the children in question have suffered the overwhelming trauma of the earthquake and separation from their loved ones. We have learned first-hand that adoption (domestic or intercountry) itself as a process forces children to negate their true feelings of grief, anger, pain or loss, and to assimilate to meet the desires and expectations of strangers. Immediate removal of traumatized children for adoption—including children whose adoptions were finalized prior to the quake— compounds their trauma, and denies their right to mourn and heal with the support of their community.”

“We affirm the spirit of Cultural Sovereignty, Sovereignty and Self-determination embodied as rights for all peoples to determine their own economic, social and cultural development included in the Convention on the Rights of the Child; the Charter of the United Nations; the UN Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples; and the International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights. The mobilization of European and North American courts, legislative bodies, and social work practices to implement forced removal through intercountry adoption is a direct challenge to cultural sovereignty. We support the legal and policy application of cultural rights such as rights to language, rights to ways of being/religion, collective existence, and a representation of Haiti’s histories and existence using Haiti’s own terms.”

“We offer this statement in solidarity with the people of Haiti and with all those who are seeking ways to intentionally support the long-term sustainability and self-determination of the Haitian people. As adoptees of color we bear a unique understanding of the trauma, and the sense of loss and abandonment that are part of the adoptee experience, and we demand that our voices be heard. All adoptions from Haiti must be stopped and all efforts to help children be refocused on giving aid to organizations working toward family reunification and caring for children in their own communities. We urge you to join us in supporting Haitian children’s rights to life, survival, and development within their own families and communities.”

Please contact the Adoptees of Color Roundtable by leaving a comment on the statement page if you would like to endorse this statement, and keep checking back as the site will soon be expanded.

Overall, I have to say, what’s happening for me is that the rhetoric of United States is reflective of the rhetoric they spouted during “Operation Baby Lift” in the Vietnam War. Its troubling and frightening, and its the same old story about the colonialist paternalism that appears whenever the US thinks they understand what a country and black people need better than the country knows themselves.

I continue to ask. Why is removal the only answer? I want to issue a direct challenge to the ‘good intentioned’, monied, Christian, white folks who are lusting after the “new crop” of Haitian disaster orphans.
Can you please, sit an rethink, can you TRY to re-imagine the discourse of ‘orphan’, ‘savior’ and ‘adoption’? Can you think of alternatives that can address the immediate and dire needs of these children besides removing them from their country & culture. What about utilizing your adoption fee to rebuilding infrastructure of the country? or one town? or support existing organizations IN the country that support keeping families & communities together? Removal is not always the answer!

My colleague and adoptee activist, Outlandish – has written a post that reflects my deep feelings about the language of ownership that is already being thrown around, that is a language of potential adoptive parents who are only concerned with their desire to have a child, and not with the trauma of separation and loss.

“Whites Make Pact With God, Expedite Haitian Adoptions”

—————
Organizations I know and have checked out to donate to:

Haiti Soliel and
Partners in Health

another video explaining Operation Babylift.

Here You Come Again

Here you come again
Just when I’ve begun to get myself together
You waltz right in the door
Just like you’ve done before
And wrap my heart ’round your little finger

This is just a bit of the song and really it’s about a woman’s relationship with a cheating man/husband/lover, but much of this song aptly describes my feelings about my daughter…and possibly even her feelings about me.

Now that Sri is 18 years old…we are attempting to navigate our relationship without Dee.  Mainly I’m relieved, but I’m also at the mercy of my daughter from here on out (and likewise).   I’m not sure either of us know how to survive in this vast expanse of “newly found freedom”.  It is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time, at least for me, as I cannot speak for Sri.

I am attempting to decipher what it is that Sri wants in our relationship-the how oftens and whats-(especially now during the holidays, and yes! I do understand how difficult this time of year can be for all in the adoption triad) but I’m somewhat baffled.  She may give me the verbal answer I hope for, but when it comes down to the actual event…it is tending to be either a “no-go” or “short and sweet” or I’m receiving mixed messages with “we can get together, BUT”.  And so there it is…ambivalence (a common theme in adoption triads).  Thus I find I am more confused, sometimes irritated and/or sad,  and frustrated lately with our communication…frustrated mostly with the pain of being so close and yet so far from my “relinquished” daughter.  When I am disappointed by the realities of our relationship, I tend to take up the “relinquishment scourge” to flog my emotions into their rightful place:  submission to “you should be grateful you are even in her life” and “it’s what you deserve for what you did”.  It is just that in this place…this  constant reminder of how this pain-inducing decision (made over 18 years ago) is still tearing me up inside to this day…I find very little peace and self- acceptance.

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have been in a closed adoption and to have maybe moved on with my life (if there is such a thing…probably not so much “to have moved on”, but to not have the pain of relinquishment so frequently “in my face”).  Yet I’m not sure whether I still would have chosen to go through with adoption, if closed adoption had been the only option.  I realize parenting, too, would have brought the intense emotions above and would have been much harder work.  But at least I could have laid my own foundations and our relationship wouldn’t be such a doggone mystery.  If I had parented her, my daughter could be about the challenging job of learning what it means to embark on her own independence (with values I have  instilled vs someone else’s values) without having to expend precious energy and time attempting to figure out how to live in two+ worlds (the everyday real world, the “mysterious birthfamily world”,  the adoption world, in general, etc.)  Ahhh…the woulda, coulda, shouldas…they are possibly going to cost me my health, if I don’t figure out how to quit them.

As I’m attempting to understand and be prepared for what may happen during this holiday season and the years ahead of navigating our daughter-birthmom relationship with little or no guidance…i’m once again turning to adoption blogs for clarification and sanity and hopefully a reality check.  Today I found a blog-Adoption Animal House-written by a mother-daughter team (birthmother-daughter in reunion) and wanted to share their blog and a post by the daughter early on in the blog (reunion).  Check it out!

I traced my dad… and discovered he is Charles Manson | The Sun |Features.

When:
Friday November 6, 2009
7:30pm – 9:30pm

Where:
Rhythmix Cultural Works,
2513 Blanding Avenue,
Alameda, CA 94501,
directly off the Fruitvale exit, off 880 South
http://www.rhythmix.org/

Donation:
$5 to $50
All donations go directly to benefit AFAAD’s work supporting adopted and foster care people and are tax deductible. This event is teen and family appropriate. Pact, An adoption Alliance will be on site selling books about adoption, race and identity.

Some Writers & Performers Featured

Screening of “Running Dragon”, a film by Kim Noonan. (Vietnamese adoptee)

Screening of “”Jagadamba, Mother of the Universe” by Amber Field (Korean adoptee, singer, filmmaker),

Korean Drums by Korean Adoptees: Amie Kim, Adria Otte and Codie Otte, are part of a Korean drum troupe called Jamaesori (SisterSound). Jamaesori uses traditional Korean drumming to support social justice movements.

James Cagney: (black, same race adoptee, poet)
Oakland native and Cave Canem fellow James Cagney is a writer, poet and performer. He has appeared as a featured artist at venues the San Francisco Public Library, The Starry Plough, La Pena Cultural Center, Above Paradise Lounge, Spasso’s Cafe, The Jahva House, Mahogany Restaurant, and OK Hotel among others. He has appeared on stage in the Afro-Solo Performance series, Four Brothers Featuring Will Power, Ritual Theater 2000, and Celebration of the Word with Maya Angelou and Quincy Troupe. He is the author of four volumes of poetry including Transmitting The Disease and Hot Death. He can be contacted at incagnegro@yahoo.com
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Liberty Hultberg: (mulitracial TRA, novelist, blogger)
Liberty Hultberg teaches composition and creative writing at the University of Pittsburgh, where she is also pursuing an MFA in creative nonfiction. She is working on a memoir about the symbolic nature of hair within a particular experience of transracial adoption.
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Susan Ito: (hapa adoptee, novelist, blogger)
Susan Ito is a hapa transracial adoptee and writer. She edited the literary anthology A Ghost At Heart’s Edge: Stories & Poems of Adoption and has published stories and essays in Growing Up Asian American, CHOICE, Making More Waves, the Bellevue Literary Review and elsewhere. She is a columnist and creative nonfiction editor at Literary Mama, and teaches writing at UC Berkeley Extension and privately. She has coordinated the family camp for Pact, An Adoption Alliance for the past five years.
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Amber Field: is a queer transnational/transracial adoptee writer, musician, and filmmaker.
She studied classical Indian music at Viswa Bharati University in India and plays many obscure instruments from around the world. Her first short doc “Jagadamba, Mother of the Universe” about adoption and her healing journey through music has screened at numerous film festivals around the world. She is currently working on a documentary on the queer scene in Peru. Check her out at amberfieldmusic.com
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Music Contributed by:
dj fflood
dj fflood (aka Richard Wright, a 1st generation Jamaican born in New York City and loving living in OAKLAND) is a dj, producer, activist and writer. As a dj he has been musically transporting crowds with his intuitive, driving, and eclectic style for over 23 years now. He is the founder of the Oakland Love Uprising known as New Life. He can be heard every Saturday at Kingman’s Lucky Lounge in Oakland, California. fflood also writes in his fem.men.ist blog, where he expresses some of his feminist/activist/gender politic stances. fflood sees himself as community oriented, a strong feminist, an advocate of polyamory, and an unapologetic straight ally.He is a music lover who aims to build spaces where communities can find healing, rejuvenation, connection, and inspiration, and has a really good time doing it.

Bookstore Contributed by
Pact, an adoption alliance.

Lots of great folks scheduled to come through. We hope you can make it!

Time again for another Gathering of adoptees and foster care alumni! I’m so excited to be working towards another event that brings us together. Check out the info below and please pass on to your networks, other adoptees and foster care alumni that you know and if you are a supporter – PLEASE SPONSOR or DONATE!!!

Full information is on the AFAAD WEBSITE HERE.

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For Immediate Release (to be included in your newsletters and calendars)

What:
2nd Annual Gathering for Adoptees and Foster Care Alumni of African Descent:
Growing and Creating Together: Organizing Across Differences

When:
Friday through Sunday, November 6-8, 2009
8am-5pm, with some evening activities – Oakland, CA

Announcing the 2nd Annual gathering of adoptees (transracial/international and same race) and foster care alumni of African descent in Oakland, California, Friday – Sunday, November 6-8, 2009.

AFAAD (Adopted and Fostered Adults of the African Diaspora) was formed specifically to support adopted and fostered people, to share our common and divergent experiences around race, adoption, joy, loss, family, search and reunion, and self identity and to celebrate our unique creativity, stories and community. AFAAD’s Second Annual Gathering, Growing and Creating Together: Organizing Across Differences is designed with you mind.

The purpose of our annual Gathering is to make connections, network, educate, provide healing space, and to celebrate the diversity of our amazing diaspora of transracial, international, domestic adoptees and foster care alumni. AFAAD uses “Black” in the widest diasporic sense, which includes African, African American, AfroAsian and AfroLatino, bi-racial and multi-heritage peoples. Growing and Creating Together: Organizing Across Differences will continue to develop our own contributions to the conversations about adoption, foster care, race, social welfare and African diasporic identity – not to mention just bringing all of us together for community. It is time to share our stories with one another, rather than always teaching other people. We will also take some time for the strategic planning for the long-term goals of AFAAD as a social justice and community support organization.

Where:
AFAAD’s 2009 Gathering is being hosted by the Washington Inn, at 462 Tenth Street, ideally situated in the center of downtown Oakland, CA; close to all forms of public transportation. Individuals visiting the Bay Area must make their own hotel reservations separately from AFAAD Gathering registration. Please see the website for more details about the Gathering schedule, hotel and conference registration information and for more information about our mission, community and legislative advocacy work and how to donate to our work.

Contact Info:
AFAAD – Adopted and Fostered Adults of the African Diaspora
PO Box 24771
Oakland, CA 94607
Website: afaad.wordpress.com
E-mail: afaadinfo@gmail.com
Phone: 510.836.0133

AFAAD — Adopted and Fostered Adults of the African Diaspora is looking for qualified volunteers to work with our organization. We are looking for two interns who will work collaboratively with the existing board and founding members, as well as the larger community to assist with our annual projects.

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Volunteer Position Commitment
5 -10 hours a week
July – Nov 2009
Location: Oakland, CA (but MN and ATL positions soon!!)

what we need:
- marketing and communication support (website, twitter, email lists, blog)
- newsletter development and editing
- website development support
- Nov 2009 conference planning
- fund raising campaign support
- someone with their own laptop / portable
- administrative support (mailing, database entry, editing)

what you will get:
- experience with a project from beginning to end
- experience with web marketing and communication
- development of professional relationships with a diverse group of adoptees and foster care alumni
- strong skills in a environment that respects your contributions
- volunteer appreciation lunch or happy hour

please contact Lisa Marie with a resume and brief letter of interest, stating your interest in the project at afaadinfo@gmail.com by July 20th, 2009. QLGBT and people of color encouraged to apply.