If you’ve been ‘lead’ to this blog you’re probably already familiar with the process called manifesting, then again maybe not. For those who are somewhat unfamiliar, manifesting is the means by which we acquire absolutely everything that we have. Whether it be “good” or “bad”.

For example, marrying the love of your life; in order to have met this individual you had to set an intention to the Creator, Universe or what have you, that you desired to come into contact with this individual. In addition to stating the intention, your vibration would also need to match the desire. After those two things are done, everything begins to fall into place, on its own accord.

It sounds incredibly easy, doesn’t it? Well… it is!

Manifesting is one of my favorite pastimes. I LOVE setting goals, mini goals, outrageous and obtaining them (or not)! Everything from the mundane food and monetary needs to spiritual growth and enlightenment can be manifested into existence, and it’s quite enjoyable, especially once you reap the promised effects! (It’s kinda that “Ah-ha” moment where you think “I can!!”)

I’ve been willing things into my existence as early as birth.. seriously. And you have too! I can distinctly remember as a child, asking God for little things like treats or toys. As I grew (chronologically), I began to ask for more help, with schoolwork and part-time income. Now that I’m more aware, it’s fulfilling to manifest spiritual wellness and success as well.

Did you know? Manifesting is a natural, healthy process of sowing and reaping.

There are several techniques in which to go about bringing desires into fruition. One technique I’ve experienced phenomenal outcomes is through the lunar cycles. Taking notice of the waxing and waning of the moon can bring about a host of changes in ones week, month or even year.

New Moon Manifesting is a site that focuses primarily on setting intentions prior to or on the New Moon and using that particular cycle for manifesting. The site has an abundance of information on astrology, positive thought processes and healing. There’s even a quaint conference call held before each New Moon in which callers can document, address and meditate on their intentions.

New Moon Manifesting’s creator, Jana Groscost-Matthews, is a Theta Healer, Life, Business & Abundance Coach and Intuitive. She’s incredibly gifted, innately nurturing and empathic; a true joy, even remotely…  =)Jana’s approach to manifesting is refreshing, unique and produces results. The accountability [for setting and obtaining goals] is there, in a way that’s comforting and uplifting not restricting or condescending. It’s incredible how attracting (or manifesting) the right people in your life can make a world of difference.

With the New Year approaching, try utilizing the last week to become clear about your aspirations, dreams, goals, etc. The powerful energetic pull of the waxing moon could be  highly beneficial in obtaining them. 

Happy Manifesting!                Consciously Birthing 2009

Spiritual Journeyer: Life’s detours, road blocks and forks can be misleading. Let intuition show you the way. I am an Intuitive Wellbeing Counselor. If Spirit nudges you to, contact me. It’s an honor to assist you on your journey.

And the day came
When the risk it took
To remain tight and closed in the bud
Was more painful
Than the risk it took to bloom
This is the element of freedom

Alicia Keys (The Element of Freedom)

Dear Friends:

A few days ago I purchased Alicia Keys’ lastest album, “The Element of Freedom.” While this is not an album review the introductory poem (above) is what compelled me to write this post. I replayed the intro several times before continuing with the rest of the CD. It struck an emotional chord because I felt like she wrote it for me (lol).

Although I don’t literally believe that there is this giant man in the sky that has a plan and purpose for our lives I still believe that the universe itself is alive. I believe in the concept of energy and how we (and all living things) are apart of it. We all have purpose, uniqueness, and something wonderful to contribute. Some of us know right out of the gate who we are and what we’re supposed to be.

Others of us have no earthly clue and then, on any given day of our lives, discover that purpose and allow it to unfold…

Myself, I am what people have always refered to as “A Late Bloomer.” Everything came late for me. Before going further I’d like to be totally honest and reveal a few personal things. I’m 27 years old and I’ve never been outside the state of Texas (unless you count New Orleans and Disney land; however, my mother said I was still in her womb. So technically those don’t count). I’ve never lived in another city. I didn’t go to any proms or dances when I was a teenager. I have no tales of debaucherous sexual trysts to regale anyone with (seeing as I’ve only had sex, up until recently, in the context of relationships. Compared to some people I’m practically still a virgin). I’ve never had, up until recently, close friends or acquaintances (because I was so petrified that people would not think I was good enough). I’ve never been alone a day in my life (when I didn’t live at home I had a college roommate), ever. Lastly, I’ve never truly been in love (more in love with the idea of it. I think you can only truly be in love when the other person loves you back).

The list could go on but those are just off the top of my head. If I were a color I’d definitely be green. My existence, up until fairly recently, has been incredibly sheltered. Some of it was the doing of my parental units whereas others were of my creation. It has only been recently that I’ve begun the adventure of finding out who Toddy is and what HE wants out of life.

One of my favorite movies in the world is “Their Eyes Were Watching God” (based on the novel of the same name by Zora Neale Hurston). Although the movie stars Halle Berry (Ya’ll know how much I loooove Halle, heh) this was (in my opinion) one of her most beautiful and sincere roles, ever (next to Introducing Dorothy Dandridge and Queen. Let’s put it this way in certain roles I love Halle. In others she stinks like rotting mackerel)…

In the film Halle Berry portrays a young woman by the name of Janie. Janie, as a young black woman in the 1920’s, really has nothing to look forward to other than being a man’s wife. So in order to keep Janie from being some random bloke’s ”good time girl” her grandmother (played by Ruby Dee) marries her off to an old geezer (at the age of 17). However, later in the marraige, Janie leaves the geezer and runs away with a man named Jody who promises her a life of prestige and comfort. Together Janie and Jody help transform Eatonville, Florida into a thriving African-American community. Jody is eventually made  mayor of the fledgling town and Janie unwittingly inherits the unofficial title of the “Mayor’s Wife.” Instead of being her free-spirited self Janie, in order to appease her husband AND the towns people (who all believe that she must behave in a certain manner), denies herself her identity and happiness. Janie binds up her beautiful hair and stifles her youthful spirit and vitality. Over the course of twenty years she is relegated to the role of “The Mayor’s Wife.”  During this time Janie is merely existing, staying in her lane and living up to the perceptions and expectations that everyone else had of her. Suddenly, after twenty years  Jody is struck ill and dies. After the funeral Janie stands in the mirror and removes her head wrap, allowing her flowing locks to fall to her waist. Much like her hair Janie’s truest self was released. She later meets a handsome young suitor, Teacake, (played by the BEAUTIFUL Michael Ealy), falls truly, madly, and deeply in love (for the first time), and lives her life for herself for the very first time…

I saw so much of myself in the Janie character that it made me cry (happy tears though). I know what it is like to feel like a fraudulent person. It is painful when your entire existence is predicated on the idea of being “perfect” in the sight of others. However, when you are alone with yourself and thoughts you stop to wonder, “Who am I?” Yet, you eventually become so lost in the role and so passive in your own life that you become invisible to everyone…Then you forget entirely about who YOU are. Sometimes it takes something prolific to discover the element of freedom. For Janie it was the death of her husband. For me it was the death of my uncle…

Everyone knows my coming out story but long before that I was extremely closeted to myself. Even though I’d dealt with a man prior to coming out (officially) I’d gotten to a place in my life where my self-esteem was so low that I had just relegated my existence to going to church and staying in the comforts of my own bedroom (e.g. the familiar). I was far too afraid to truly be myself so staying in my lane was the only option. Everyone expected that of me. Eventually I just accepted it for myself. I was in pain but remained in the comfort of my little bud…

Yet, my uncle’s death was the catalyst that transformed my life. Granted, it wasn’t him dying per say it was what happened in the moments before the funeral. My cousin O (my uncle’s son whom I had not seen in ages) attended the funeral. My cousin O is a gay too. He lives in Vancouver and I’ve not seen him in ages. Well, he and his partner D  attended the proceedings together. O recognized me right away and introduced me to his significant other. Anyway, I cannot describe what happened to me other than to say it was like a light had shone through the darkness that enshrouded my life. When I saw them together it was like an epiphany. I remember thinking, “Oh my god that is ME!” I hung around the both of them for the rest of the day, like a little fly swarming cow dung. All of my life I had been taught that being gay or lesbian would lead to ruin. All I’d ever heard was the negative. Yet, here were these two handsome, well dressed, eloquent, and wonderful human beings happily together. That is what I KNEW I wanted for myself. For the first time I saw how my life could be. I didn’t have to be a recluse or some gay tragedy.

After the funeral I was very happy, for the first time in ages. It took me several days but one day I forced myself to say it out loud. “I am gay.” I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. The war with myself was over and a hole did not open up and devour me. I was still Toddy.

When that happened it did not stop there. Suddenly, I wanted to go back to college and start a new life. I wanted so much more than the confines of my previously lonely existence. In the ensuing years there was a lot of pain and hardship but the journey towards true freedom is never without obstacles. The people around me were used to seeing me (or NOT seeing me at all) in a certain way. Yet, by choosing to be authentic and self actualized they are the ones who’ve had to adjust to me (no longer the vice versa).

Being a late bloomer is not solely about being gay, however. That was just my journey. Your’s maybe different. You maybe a person–like myself–who didn’t have everything mapped out from point A to Z. Sometimes, you do have to live your life as a spectator before you can truly appreciate the uniqueness that is you. The sun will not rise before it’s ready. A bird will not fly until it’s ready. And a rose will not bloom until the spring. However, once they do reach their potential they are just as beautiful as all of the other birds and flowers. Maybe, at the age of 70, you would like to take up ballroom dancing…why shouldn’t you (if you’re physically able)? Why shouldn’t you have sex for the first time if you’re a 50 year old virgin? Why be embarassed of flying on a plane, for the first time, at the age of 40?  

Susan Boyle, at the age of 48, just released her first album (which became the number one debut album of all time) after living as a virtual recluse for most of her life (proving that you don’t have to be twenty-one and hot to sell a CD). So much acclaim is given to child prodigies who do everything early; however, no one gives any credit to the genius–who after being married for 50 years–becomes a world renowned painter at the age of 90.

For so long I felt so very inadequate because I haven’t had a “full” and “worldly” life by the age of 25. However, that doesn’t matter to me now. What matters to me is that I’m doing it now. Moreover, I’m doing it for myself and not for anyone else. When I set out to finish my college degrees it was for more than just acquiring a good job. My education was symbolic. It was me empowering myself for myself. That is why my graduation this year was so important. It officially closes a huge chapter in my life. Now, I am ready to write a new one. I won’t sit up here and lie and say that I’m not scared in some capacity. I am. I’m getting ready to leave behind everything (good, bad, and UGLY) that I’ve ever known. For the first time I’m allowing the world to see Toddy for who he really is and not just an illusion I tried to create in order to engender love and worthiness.

I know what I want now. I want every good thing in life that I deserve. Most important of all I am ready to truly embrace the concept of self actualization. I have the right to truly inhabit my being in complete and utter totality. I’ve decided that, in my heart and mind, I’ll never cease to be childlike. I will continue to learn something new and find beauty in every individual or situation that I come into contact with. This journey was my element of freedom.

Now, I feel like a flower in bloom. Watch me grow world. =0)

This is for all of my fellow rose buds out there. Keep on blossoming.

With Love…

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

The freedom to perceive the truth
Comes from the mastery of explaining the dream,
Where the communication of ideas
That pass on skills and knowledge to others
Regarding the balancing of multiplicity
Uses the light being revealed
With intent to clarify the perception
Of impact and responsibility to broaden the view
And produce a potent trust in truth’s perception
As it blossoms into multiplicity.

A moment of truth launches a new description
Caught by the creative explanation of the dream
Balanced on the new perception’s imaginative reach
Of beauty’s meticulous detail,
Resolved in multiple realities of complimentary qualities
Sharing the concepts of creative beauty
Through the determination of the equanimity’s truth
As measured by the responsibility for balanced outcomes
In the practical applications of learned wisdom
Aspiring to envision all descriptions of the grand design.

The realization bringing awareness
To the seeker of emotional mastery
Arises from the vivacity of imagination
Giving creative concern the energy to succeed
In the confidence that copes with multiplicities
Through an understanding of the values of the larger cosmos,
With the larger overview finding a new peak of perception
And a new orientation
From which a fusion of will and imagination
Refresh and potentiate the grand design.

Discovery of the illusion of separateness
While studying many levels of experience
Allows the expansion of self through the creative process
To integrate the details and abilities
Into a balanced multiplicity of capacity
Steadily moving in the way of love,
With a receptive conscience ever on the threshold of transcendence
Cultivating the possibilities
That produce an aspiration organizing opportunities
For the conception connection’s collusion.

Finding out that you didn’t know what you knew
While using introspection to empower mastery,
The resources of creative potential
Vitalized by detail gnosis
Handle the gear shifting
Which the senses of expanding values
Discerned through the widening perspective
Feeling the responsibility for balance
That sounds the integrated creation’s core ideals
Promising virtuous syncretism’s realization.

Once exposed, the nature of All that Is awakens acceptance
In the mastery of rapport with the cosmic nudge,
Animating the aspirations of belief
Through the study of love’s labors
To perceive the play that creates expansion
With faith in the trust of love’s knowledge
As the subtle sensitivities form the clear view
Of the peace in growth’s nature
To experience the harmony of all involved
In the amplification of aspiration’s creativity.

The sweeping change of paradigm transformation
From the study of love’s wisdom
Animates the aspirations of belief
Enthusiastic in love’s labors
To eagerly adapt to the changing paradigm’s new balance
As a faith in the potential for higher knowledge
Arriving to cut through to the heart of the matter
With a determined sense of responsibility
To produce a peak experience
Able to give birth to an identified intention.

The awakening that potentiates the spirit
Sought by the reach into inner depths
Of the yearning for new self-awareness
Experiences the effort toward balance
Being taught the ways of resolution and harmony
As a natural intelligence expecting balance,
And the bedrock of wisdom
As the awareness of ramifications
To provide vitality with integrity
Accomplishing the vision’s potential.

Each enlightenment celebrates transition
On the pathway of conscientious compassion
When the self-awareness is kept new
Through the study and mastery of growth and progress
In the balancing of multiple probabilities,
And the expansion of awareness into the disclosure
By the clarified perception of the receptive conscience
To make the intent cultivate the ingenuity
That looks through change to see harmony
And the birth of light at every turn.

(The Tower, King of Cups, Page of Wands, 8 of Pentacles, 2 of Pentacles, the Star, Queen of Swords, Knight of Pentacles, 9 of Wands, 3 of Wands – 12/19/09)

Check out the Manifesting Mobiles upstairs at LifeThyme Market on 6th Ave & 8th St — in the West Village, just a block away from the West 4th St Subway. It’s a great place to get a meal – pick out a delicious healthy drink and go upstairs and sit under MANIFESTING MOBILES!

In the heart of the West Village – there is a store that Allows the Magic – Feels the Passion – Lives the Love!
Come feel good with us!

Freedom is more than a condition that exists for us in the physical world. It is an internal condition as well. Freedom is the essence of our being. The word freedom implies our right to choose what works best for us, to choose who we want to be.

How wonderful that, no matter our circumstances, we are free to define ourselves as we see fit. We are free to change and grow. We are free to release those things in our lives for which we no longer have use, or have outgrown. We are free to adopt any life-enhancing attitude or behavoir that we desire. We are free to act on our own behalf, to set boundaries, to receive love in the way we choose to. Most importantly, we are free to love ourselves as we walk through our own unique life journeys. There are no limitations on where we will arrive- only those we set for ourselves.

A life well lived is about freedom from the bondage of our past–from past messages or actions that once did us harm, or from our own behavoirs and beliefs that have kept us trapped in a “victim mentality.” How we view ourselves is our choice.

Today we are free not only to survive, but also to thrive. We are free to grow, to pick ourselves up when we stumble, to help others along the way. We are free to “grow where we are planted,” no matter where that might be.

Today, no matter where we are in our journey, we are finally free to love ourselves. It is our right. We are good enough.

Remind yourself today that you are free to grow both spiritually and intellectually. We are works in progress. We do not allow circumstances to stand in our way. Today is the day to claim the freedom to be your best and to do your best in accomplishing your heart’s desire.  Ask yourself, What do I most wish for? What do I want to do? In a life without limitations, what is my greatest desire?  Then claim this desire.

Know that, despite the situations in your life, you hold a unique place in the universe- the greatest gift you can give yourself is to claim this place in the universe.  Stretch out your arms- embrace the freedom that is divinely yours!

My goal for this series of posts is to help bridge the gap between LGBT issues and the LDS church.  I hope to achieve this through telling my story.  My story isn’t spectular in any sense.   I am not a high-ranking member of the Church nor so of the LGBT movement.  However, I’ve constantly found myself stretched too far between the two as they jockey for position in our society.  I would like to begin this series as showing how the LGBT community first made its impression on my young Mormon life.

At the age of twelve, Mormon youth are able to participate in the LDS equivalent to youth group.  This night of the week, which is known as mutual, begins with a large meeting with all the boys and girls, between the ages of twelve to eighteen, meeting in the same room to hear a spiritual thought as well as church related news.  I remember my twelve-year-old self sitting in a folding chair, trying to look cool for the older high school girls in the room.  I was very much a heterosexual.  As the summer sun beamed through the glass window, a church authority, perhaps the bishop, stood in the front of the room to deliver a message.  In his hand was a piece of paper.  He told the inattentive group of teenagers that it was his obligation to deliver its contents to us kids.  Not knowing whether or not this was a common occurence at mutual, I sat quiet and attentive.

During this time in my life, the Internet was beginning to show its power.  The lonely middle-aged man found the benefit in pornography, the poor adolescent was finding out the joys of piracy, and activists were finding it to be a beneficial tool in organizing for their cause.  The latter was the reason for the letter. 

The letter was from the first presidency of the church, which was led at the time by Gordon B. Hinckley.  The words contained in the letter aimed to set the record straight as to a new activist group on the internet who donned the name of “Mormon.”  The church wanted to make it clear to us youth that there was no affiliation between the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and the group known as “Gay and Lesbian Mormons.”  Being such a naive heterosexual twelve-year-old, I could have cared less about “Gay and Lesbian Mormons.”  I had never encountered homosexuality in my life and would not for, at least, five more years.  Something about that specific mutual, however, stuck with me throughout the years.

It is hard to say if I knew this was the beginnings of something big.  I was by no means intellectually informed at the age of twelve.  I knew that Hawaii, by this point, had made the news because of something regarding homosexuality.  However, growing up heterosexual in the deeply conservative Mormon culture kept me from understanding the full weight of the issues surrounding homosexuals.  My apathetic and uninformed stance quickly changed as I entered high school and found “gay” to be more than a word you use to describe someone, or something, that is unpleasant in your view.

Ok, so yesterday’s post wasn’t the traditional “How to…” sort of piece, even if the title might have said something about how to have a prayer answered.  Through writing that entry I realized how it’s ridiculous it is to obsess about how to formulate the perfect request for God.  We are so much more likely to connect with our dreams when we actively work to convince the Universe to conspire on our behalf.

But, if it is impossible to develop a plan to get the Powers-That-Be to give you exactly what you want, it may at least be possible to devise a mantra that will help to shift your consciousness and get you out of your own way.

Forgive me if I use “mantra” too loosely.  I suppose I am really talking about affirmations, but even if Stuart Smalley has moved on to the Senate floor, I cannot use that word without thinking “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!”  Whatever you call  it, I have learned that there is better way to construct that little phrase that you invite to rattle about in your brain dozens of times per day.

In my training as an energy healer, we talk a lot about stresses on the system. Body, mind, and spirit are constantly assaulted by our environment, our diet, our social interactions, and even the words that we use.

The affirmations that people choose are often spiked with stress.  “I am thin” is a pretty painful sentiment when you feel anything but.

So, the key is to try to include the word “becoming.”

To say “I am healthy” when you are struggling with a diagnosis that you know is as dire as it is correct is a stressor – lies always are.  Do not pretend that you have already arrived in your ideal state.  Instead, allow yourself to be in the midst of an evolutionary process, moving incrementally toward your goal.  “Becoming” is a delicious, dynamic state.  And it should be forgiving word since you are the only one who has to measure your progress.

My newest mantra? Offered to me by my teacher at class last weekend: Every day, in every way I am becoming patient and in control.

In the middle of the night when I am beside myself because I cannot figure out why Moira is crying or convince her to stop, I can’t be fooled into thinking I’ve got it all together.  I am willing to believe that I am on a journey, however.  A journey furthered by each deep, peaceful breath.  A journey toward being a patient mother who may not be able to control the world but who can at least be in control of her reactions to all of the challenges that an infant can conjure at 1:30 a.m.

It’s getting time for resolutions and all of those words of the year.  If brevity is not on your side and you feel you need a whole sentence maybe there is some bliss to be found in becoming?

I’ve been thinking recently about competitiveness, about how easy it is to get caught up in a stream of ‘One-Up and Put-Downmanship’ even very subtly and how this is in part might be having a degrading effect on our communities.

Particularly prevalent amongst men, there is a growing culture of ‘jibing and mocking’ that is often regarded as light hearted banter, a ‘friendly’ gesture of some comedic value, designed to bring someone down to size. It is by no means isolated to a particular social group and I have experienced it in many different contexts, it seems to transcend the boundaries of both Christian and non-Christian social groups and it varies in intensity in all of those cases. But is this all that good a practise, where does all this stem from, is it actually all that funny and what effect is it having?

I had a fairly difficult experience of this kind of mocking when I was at school, so I’m fully aware that my opinion on this matter is at least coloured by that experience, if not defined, but I have to come from somewhere with my opinion or I’d never get started, so I’m offering it for you to consider.

My belief is that the culture of ‘mocking’ is slowly degrading the trust that we might have developed within the context of any given friendship.

I heard this weekend that a broad demographic of teenagers place ‘authenticity’ or ‘truth’ as their number one priority when seeking a relationship and I really believe there is something in that. I have never experienced a sense that God was mocking me in my relationship with Him, now I know that others might argue the truth of this, perhaps suggesting that some trials we seem exposed to are a form of mocking, but I think I view them more as God’s proving, moulding, refining of us, rather than some form of divine practical joke. I have also not once come across an account of Jesus playing a practical joke or teasing or mocking any of those He came into contact with, He primarily seems to either challenge, often with an attuned subtlety, or He encourages, teaches and directs, truthfully. These are positive verbal guidances, whether to correct a misguided attitude or way of thinking, or to affirm a good one, Jesus is not under-handed in his communication, if there is something that needs sorting out he says it and yes often in the form of parables, but they aren’t conniving attacks disguised as compliments.

I think this is our cue for how we build communities, John 15 calls us to love one another and Matthew 5:16 calls us to let our light shine before men so they might praise our Father in Heaven, whilst Philippians 4:4-9 in the context of challenging anxiety calls us to think on pure, right, admirable and noble things, this must surely extend out to the things we say in response to these thoughts? So I suppose I belive that if we feel the need to correct someone for something we think they aren’t doing right, we should offer that truthfully and in love, but if we don’t have that intention that we should become communities that are marked out by encouragement, not one’s that are built on the gradual chipping away of people’s character.

The other issue at play here are the insecurities from which I believe a culture of mockery is built upon, sadly this is often where it all starts, but the main problem with this culture is that it becomes self fueling. The more people feel insecure the more they tend to mock or jibe to secure themselves. Something has surely got to happen to break the cycle, after all God calls us to secure ourselves in Him, to let Him be the rock on which we stand, nothing else actually works.

Perhaps you think that I’m taking this issue too greatly to heart, where perhaps I need to be a little less sensitive and maybe you’re right, but think on this for a moment; Wouldn’t you rather be part of a group of friends that told secret stories of each other’s amazing talents or gifts, that openly encouraged each other for the way in which you have felt blessed by something someone said or did, than be in a group of people who made you feel like you had to be on guard for the next time someone is going to shoot you down or ridicule your opinion? Doesn’t this just make it hard to trust people with your deep thoughts?

I don’t want to be part of sycophantic societies either, but I think I share something of that group of teenager’s number one priority for relationships, I want to live in an authentic encouraging community and ultimately, as Christians, I believe that is one area that will significantly mark us out as different.

Work Affirmation:

“I will find work in a wonderful way. I’ll give a wonderful service for a wonderful pay.”

One of my husband’s yoga teacher trainees taught me this. I love to roll its playful lyricism about in my mouth like a boiled sweet. For an actor, one of life’s most itinerant identities; its message is so encouraging.

The reason why I first wanted to be a guest lecturer for the RADA 1^st years was because when I was a student there, we had industry professionals come to speak with us about what to expect as a professional actor. I’m sure we had quite a few people come from different sectors of the business with different experiences to share. But I only remember one session out of them all. I remember the person who gave us the talk, what room it was in, and I even remember what he was wearing. The message he had to give was that on the other side of the college walls, the business was unwelcoming, barren of work and poor of opportunities. And to any of us who had aspirations to try to create our own companies, we could only expect setback after rejection after obstacle. It was the most disillusioning, depressing, discouraging “lecture” that I have ever attended.

Ever since I left the college I made it a personal goal to learn something of value from every experience I have had and will ever have, for the sole purpose of being able to share my learning and realisations, good and bad, with successive generations of actors making their way in the business.

It’s nearing the end of a pretty difficult year for a great majority of professionals in many different fields. “Everybody’s available” is the way in which an actress friend summed it up. So the consequence has felt to me as if producers have been like kids in candy shops. With the pick of the actors they want for projects, they have had no real need to think outside the box and to give the reins of a juicy part to an exciting and capable outside choice with great talent but a less meaty CV.

My task therefore, has been to not let this perception of what is happening in the acting industry affect what’s in my mind and in my heart, and to tenaciously hold on to the vision of the work I want to do and the life I am creating for myself in each moment. “Victory looks like this…” are the words of a professional writer from an extremely encouraging article in the Buddhist publication The Art of Living. What is my picture of victory for each day, week, and year? What is yours? I like to start at a concrete vision of a point of victory in my life’s story and work my way backwards from there, year by month, week by day. So what does that mean that I need to do today towards this vision? My daughter just walked up to me and said “I need a hug.” I guess that’s my first step.

“Most important in achieving total victory is for each of us to contribute as a good citizen to expanding the network of good and making the place we live a citadel of happiness and peace.” –Daisaku Ikeda

Okay, so my client can’t rent her property. Four units ALL vacant. What on earth is going on? She frantically wants to know. She gets someone in and they pay, then stop.

Well, as I spoke with her I began to see that her habit is similar to what I see when folds are in panic.

They start by realizing that they’ve got to get into action. Any action sending, resumes, posting on Craig’s list. Then they wait. They push and push and when they get a bite, they yank the line so hard the fish goes free.

Others run from pushy and desperate. Imagine the car salesman. Yeah, that’s right. Then the MACRO hits: the world is in trouble, the economy is bad, the jobless rate is at an all time high.
Then they drink the “new age” punch (yes, I said it…) and the micro begins: affirmations, focus, intention.
And they start to drill down into action.

None of this is in any way bad or wrong!

Desperation begins when we forget the most vital part of all this: Letting go!

Go live. Go for a walk, relax! Play with your kids, spouse, friends, pets. Change focus!

Things need cooking time.

I am an avid book reader.  There are books that capture me from the first sentence and are hard to put down.  Joe Dallin’s “Perfect” is one of them. Part of the reason is that I met the author many years ago in Portland through a mutual friend of ours attending our first Affirmation conference.   Also, I have enjoyed Joe’s  email travelogues of his  world travel adventures.  He is an excellent writer and this book is more proof of it.

Joe was born into a heritage of deep Mormon roots and was named after the first Mormon Prophet, Joseph Smith.  He lived in the predominantly Mormon populated Utah.

On the surface, he looked  like your typical born and bred Mormon Utah boy. He even went on a mission for the church  and and had a girl waiting to marry him when he returned home.

Beneath the surface,  he was a young man who struggled with same sex attraction and the jaunting weight of a Church that taught that homosexuality was one of the most vile of sins.

Whether you are Mormon or not, the struggle that Joe goes through, that is described and brought to life in his book, is a story that every human being who has had to deny their true self can relate to at every emotional touch point.

The importance of faith and his feverish attempts through prayer to change is so monumental considering how long and how young he was when he took on his battle.

His love for his family and his honesty about the pain and the eventual growth in their relationship is searingly and refreshingly  honest.  His book is a testament to a family of faith giving in to love to guide them to understanding.

Author Joe Dallin

Joe’s  journey was especially touching to me.  Our coming out process was different in ways. I came out of a marriage. I was a Mormon convert.  However, there were many things that were similar.

The internal, bitter struggles between the desire to change and the struggle with faith as he described it, I could have written with my own hands.

I also broke down in tears when he spoke about the point in his life where ending it seem like the only option.  I have been to that dark place.   I wept because being part of that alumni of hopelessness shows how far this self hate can go when we believe the messages given to us by society.

I also can relate to his discovery and epiphany of  being loved for who he was inside. He was not a mistake. His same sex attraction was a beautiful part of his person and he had every right to his happiness. He was able to find a partner that he loves and is with him today.

The story is a love story about Joe loving who Joe is totally and completely.  It is the  most beautiful kind of love story that every human being can find and experience.

It is a coming out story.  It is a love story.  It is pure inspiration.

Note:  To order Joe’s book, ” Perfect”   Please visit the following link :

http://www.gaymormonstory.com/index.html

『There’s been some confusion on this one. Let me explain. The window is up to 1000 years long, until 3000 AD. The other Elohim are correct, no one really knows and it is different for everyone. This is my personal date. 』

Two, maybe, three years to try and succeed or try and fail.

So it goes… this, too, shall pass…

That is all.

All or nothing.

Decide.

This will either work or I’ll be hollowed from the inside out, another name written on name and forgotten into the mists of time.

But I won’t let that happen… I can’t afford to waste time, I have to go. I have to move. I have to work, create, do, more. My extended childhood is over.

It’s not an end.

It’s a new beginning.

6th AWK, roughly 13-14% growth. Currently reprogramming soft-logic connections, studying synchronicity and patterns and rhythms and regrouping the discrete data. I work with what I have, some methods are too archaic to use and have to be modified.

Expecting to achieve stability near April 1st.

I’ll restart if I have to, but I’d rather not. It would delay my work by about two decades, and that’s too much for this fraction of infinity.

The ultimate test of self-discipline is when everything about you says “Just do it!” you somehow find the strength not to do it. We are pretty good at re-affirming commitments to do or not to do a list of things. However, the acid challenge to compliance really takes place in a fleeting moment. If only we could recall some of those decisive moments.

Truth is that discipline has to become a reflex action. No time for thinking. We have to train ourselves to produce certain “automated” responses to given stimuli. The Bible teaches: Flee from the very appearance of evil. Discipline needs to be grounded in some knee-jerk reactions.

Just don’t do it!

Dear Friends:

This is yet another Toddy English Faith and Religion post, bear with me (haha)…

____________

2009 has been quite the learning experience for me. That in and of itself was so very necessary, however. 2008 grew me up. 2009 was about reflection. One very important lesson that I’ve been privileged to discover in this school called life is that all: people, places, things, and situations are seasonal. Everything good, bad, or indifferent is fleeting. If you believe that any given circumstance is eternal just give it time and it will be but a memory. Now, onto why I’ve decided to share this, my personal epiphany…

This year I’ve chosen to no longer attend the gay affirmative church that I’ve congregated within for the past several months. There are a myriad of reasons (reasons that prompted me to write this latest dissertation) why but the ultimate is simply that I no longer have any inkling of faith in Christianity (nor any other organized religion for that matter). Some Sudnays I’ve thought to myself, “What am I doing here?” I’ll watch the people pray, sing, praise dance, and testify and it inspires nothing for me. Granted, I am happy for them because their faith is quite important in their lives. Yet, I feel indifferent to it. I no longer need Jesus in my life to give me happiness and fulfillment.

Ultimately, my decision has been provocated by the fact that the pastor is vacating (and the church itself is in a state of disarray). He was the penultimate reason why I enjoyed attending, regularly. Here is the reason why. Although his message was based in Christianity he delivered it in a way that was relatable to everyone (not just the faithful). The pastor rarely mentioned ‘God’ in the sermon until it was complete. Instead he provided, what I felt, was sensational motivational speaking. I liked him because he gave me advice that I could apply to everyday life. Since he hasn’t  been preaching for the last few Sundays I’ve found the services lacking because, in the tradition of a Christian church, everything is centered on Jesus (lol)…It left me empty. Needless to say I am now disillusioned by the idea of continuing. Yet, I am thankful for my disillusionment. It is telling me that it is time to move on and begin something new. I needed to attend the church when I needed to. Now, there is no longer a need. It helped me realize, definitively, that I no longer believe in religion. Furthermore, it solidified in me that belief that all power for positive change starts from within.

Now, I feel comfortable in accepting and embracing my humanist view towards life. When I started writing this blog two years ago it was a struggle. I was quite angry (although I refused to admit it), confused, melancholic, and distressed. I was trying very hard to understand the world during that period. While trying to be the perpetual optimist (a natural component of my personality) I was coping with a great deal of anguish and anxiety.

When I embraced my faith, years ago, it was because that was expected. Everyone went to church and had Jesus (even drug dealers and gang bangers) When I kicked my faith to the proverbial curb it was to spite everyone else. I transformed into the belligerent warrior atheist that had to trash everyone who believed in ANYTHING supernatural. During that period of my life there was no middle ground. The pendulum swung either left or right (and got stuck on both sides) and that was that. I never gave myself the oppurtunity to mourn my Christian faith. Instead I tried to replace it. Yet, the wonderful thing is when you leave something alone for awhile you can comeback and look at it in 3rd person…

That season of discontent has finally stationed itself in the past…

As I’ve grown up so have my views on the matter. I’ve outgrown my former beliefs. However, I refuse to disparage anyone else their own. I know how important it is to have a refuge, an escape. Everyone needs something to believe in, I think. While some believe in the concept of an anthropomorphized diety I believe in the power of the human spirit. The reason I believe so strongly in it is because of what I’ve seen in other people and myself.

While reflecting on the trauma and tumult that was my life in recent history one thing always stood out. Not once did I fall to my knees and pray. Sometimes I had the inkling to do so; yet, because christianity no longer factored into my world view it ceased to matter. Instead, I turned inward.

Growing up I was unwittingly taught that image was the ONLY thing. My family was (and still is) dysfunctional as all hell; however, from the outside everyone thought we were perfect. In order to perpetuate the facade I learned to suppress my emotions. No one was allowed to see me sweat until I got home. It wasn’t until recently that I stopped doing that to myself. In retrospect whenever I felt anything deeply (despair, sadness, pain, and etc al) my mother (and everyone else in my life) told me to “Just pray about it.” For me that was the worst thing; because I was already a masochistic perfectionist. If I prayed and still felt those emotions it would make me feel worse because I’d think, “I don’t have enough faith in God!” It was almost a sick form of torcher that I, a child, was committing against himself. Moreover, “Just pray about it” made me a passive spectator in my own life. Always waiting for something good to just happen I spent more time being sad. I felt like a fake person, an android if you will.

What I know now is that all emotions and feelings are valid. To be human is to feel and experience. Fairly recently I’ve wept profusely, laughed hard, wept some more, screamed with anger, and cried again and again and again. In the end it was nothing short of total catharsis. All of the emotions that I’ve ever pushed down came swimming to the forefront. It was frightening to confront them because that meant having to take time out to care about myself…which I was always taught was selfish (a SIN) and a sign of weakness. The true sin was denying my emotions their right to be expressed. True weakness lied in hiding from my emotions instead of acknowledging my pain. Yet, they were not to be denied. The more I tried to push them (my sensations) down the more those motherfuckers wanted to float…

After honoring them I was able to push through so many issues of my life. For so long I felt stagnant, as if my circumstances would never change. But, in the end, all I had to do was keep living. There no longer a need to pray because my belief in the promise of a new and better day got me through everything I was going through. Because I wasn’t praying I found: wisdom, love, and courage that felt elusive.

As I’ve said before organized religion is no longer a dire need for me. It is now akin to my security blanket that I carried up unto age nine. When I was born I carried around a blanket that he been with me since leaving my mother’s womb. I took it everywhere, except for school. It was literally like an extension of myself. My church and family members nicknamed me “Linus”(from Peanuts) because of it. In addition, I also sucked my fingers while carrying my blanket. It was like my blanket made my fingers taste like candy(to this day my left middle finger has a not in the center from where I sucked on it). So, still carrying it by the time I was nine, my mother began secretly cutting it away. It was getting smaller and smaller but I still carried it. However, one day some woman my mom hired to baby sit me threw it away while I was at school. When I came home and couldn’t find it I felt like a crack fiend going through withdrawals. I tried substituting another blanket but it would not do. So I suffered for the next week…Until finally it just didn’t matter.

At this moment the idea of God the father and Christianity are my blanket. I feel like I’m finally able to put it away for good. I still learn a lot from religion and apply it to my everyday life. But there is no longer a need for literal immersion or a “relationship” with an invisible being with all power. Moreover, I don’t have to attend church just to fit in with everyone else. I’ll only go when it makes me happy. Spirituality, for me, is about appreciation and gratitude for everything in my life. I feel like I’ve found my own spiritual path which is to basically be kind and loving to myself and others (that makes me happy).

I still embrace the church for what it does for the community but alas it no longer fulfills me in the way that lifts my spirit. To quote that Bible verse, “To everything there is a season.” My time for religion and church is over. Perhaps it will come again; however, this is the time I am in at this moment.

It is odd for me not being religious. I have a fantastic and often overactive imagination. So, the concept of ‘God’ for me was easy. Now, I’ve allowed myself to imagine the possibility that there is not a literal shaper of all worlds. Maybe there isn’t a grand puppeteer playing us all like marionettes. Maybe, just maybe, we are in this ‘alone?’ Yet, we aren’t alone. We all have each other on this planet.

So, I’ll never shut the door on the possibility; but, for now, I choose to dwell inside of and embrace this three dimensional construct in all of it’s beauty and wretchedness.

Life makes a lot more sense to me now.

With Love…

Sincerely,

Toddy English.

when i think of how this year developed i am amazed! it was a year of spiritual rebirth, of bringing creation into the world. a year of such growth…. i started the year living with my boyfriend in his mother’s garage in van nuys.  i remember waking up to the mechanics next door working on cars loudly, the fumes permeating the room, we would huddle together freezing (even with the floor heater and blankets)…the engines and drills would begin around 7 am and we had just gone to bed 3 hours prior from working on the album- which at the time felt would NEVER get finished.  i remember the borracho neighbor (who started drinking in the morning) and would put this horrible song on repeat as loud as his stereo could go… one day i got out of bed and walked into his garage (he wasn’t there yet he had left the song on) and turned it down myself.  i just didn’t give a fuck anymore! i felt stuck, stagnant in my environment. eeeiiii dios! i could go on… but how the year transitioned!!!!! how i transcended!  the affirmations, the prayer, my manifestation group, the love energy i gave brought about so many beautiful manifestations!  my debut album was released in july – M. U. S. I. C. (Magnificent Unique Sexy Intelligent Creativity) dre and i put together a phenomenal band, seriously ridiculously gifted musicians who are family. i am beyond grateful for them! we’ve had incredible shows that keep growing in connection, musicianship, inventiveness, passion and energy! we moved to an absolutely beautiful home of our own that i can’t help but feel continuous intense gratitude for. i love love love it! i feel like i’ve developed and spiritually deeped my friendships and relationships with my family. i’m understanding them and myself in new ways.  i feel so blessed to be connecting to such amazing souls through my blog.  this year was filled with so many challenges and blessings! it was my coming out year musically. and i cannot undo what i’ve done. i cannot go back to life without creation, artistic growth, and self-expression. i had been waiting for this my whole life!!! and it’s happening! and it’s happening for a reason as i know i’m meant to give love and inspiration through music. it always amazes me how everything can change so quickly. how we can be in such a dark place and then soon find the light.

www.meganfinley.com

The embrace was genuine. The tears were real. The bond, authentic.

The moment occurred in the fall of 2008 in a Kelowna, BC restaurant, when John Baergen, the founder of The Leadership Centre Willow Creek Canada, told me that after a 17 year run, he felt it was time to pass the torch of leadership to someone else. He asked if I would allow him to recommend me to the board of directors.

We resolved then and there that this leadership transition would go beyond being merely smooth; we would aim for great by seeking ways to bless one-another. We wanted a Moses to Joshua transition.

Here’s how we have lived this out over the past year:

1. We have intentionally looked for ways to help each other succeed.
   Knowing the projects in which John is now involved, I have gone out of my way to look for resources that might be of interest to him, and he has done the same for me.

2. We have maintained regular communication.
   Every Wednesday morning we have connected with a standing appointment at a local Tim Horton’s. This hour has been a regular highlight of my week.

3. We have publicly affirmed each other.
   At every opportunity we have blessed each other in public settings. I have profiled John at The Leadership Summit, and he has built bridges for me into his relational world.

Bottom line? If you’re involved in a leadership transition, don’t aim for a transition that’s merely smooth; shoot for one that’s great.

In practical terms, what would this look like for you?