I want to admit something to the masses knowing that my Gorgeous will never see this.

I am afraid.

Seriously, I am scared shitless- and it scares me that I’m so scared.

If I never would have stopped his friend, if he never would have smiled over at me, if I hadn’t giggled like a bashful little school girl and took his card when he offered it – I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t feel this way and he would be just another man.

But I did, and he did; now I’m burgeoning with this feeling so big and exciting, but so calm and I want to keep scream out loud and keep it to myself at the same time. It’s been so long since I wanted—or even cared about my future in terms of family; he makes me feel like home though, and I want to build a home with him.

I know, how strange is it that this in your face no apologies (canbe) straight up bitch is seriously sitting here thinking about marriage. We’ll see where things go, of course; I’m trying to practice letting life just happen to me.

And do I? Yes I do believe I do honestly love him. I crave him, I covet him, I want a union and a family and home with him. This is fucking crazy! Only one man ever made me think about settling down and he didn’t have the cajones to tame this heart, maybe I’ve met my match. My Gorgeous.

I think he’s afraid too—afraid of what he’s feeling, afraid to lose me. Honestly, how insane is it that two people that could have just passed by each other if it weren’t for one smile and one giggle, should be so scared to lose each other? It’s been a long hard year and I think I’ve finally made peace with everything because I want to give all of myself to him and I pray with everything in me that he can do the same.

I think the hardest thing is accepting that we’re not on the same level of emotion right now. It makes him very hard to deal with at times. I want to hold him and tell him I love him and I want him to stay in my life forever, but I can’t– or rather I won’t cross that line. He has made it perfectly clear that he wants to be with me for a long time, but he’s not ready to let go of everything and I fear that this will be our undoing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This is my open letter to him that he will never see… well maybe he will.

Dear Gorgeous,

I want you to know that this heart that I have given you comes with thorns, jagged edges, and dead ends. I am strong, fragile, beautiful, impetuous, and imperfect. I whirl around with arms wide open through the eye of the hurricane; I run straight through licking, searing flames.

I want you to know that my breath catches and my heart stops when I see those lips slide up into that gorgeous smile. The way you breathe when you sleep and the sound of your slowing heartbeat get to me and I want to wrap myself up in you.

 I want you to know that I am much too much. Too much love; too much hate; too harsh, too sensitive; maybe too much for one man. Prove me wrong. I have never prayed so hard that I was wrong.

I want you to know you move me in a way that makes me want to close my eyes and when you press your silent lips to mine the world falls away. I could spend forevers with your brawny arms drawn tight around me and your nose pressed into the crook of my neck; I never felt so safe and warm.

I want you to know that I am hard to be with; a frustrating, maddening, confused, crying, broken mess. This is me and I make no apologies; I am imperfect and I won’t change my colors, but my heart is burgeoning for you.

          Love,

                    Me

Now what’s next.  I should write about my new path.  But not yet.  I want to write about something else.  I want to go more in depth of how much I lived in a fantasy.  I’m not sure you understand the gravity of me living in a fantasy world.

I remember when ever I had any free time or had time to just day dream my thoughts would go straight to fantasizing.  It was my hobby.  I could write books and books about what I day dreamed.  In years how much have I fantasized in my life?  I would have to say about five years of my life.  That’s if you put every minute that I day dream side by side.  I would have spent probably more than five years.  But I’m giving you an assumption of how much I would day dream.

I remember during recess time I didn’t play with the kids I would go off on my own and day dream.  I would even draw obscene drawings about a man and a women having sex.  But with my barbie dolls I would have two barbies having sex with one another.  The fantasies ran deep within.

I would fall asleep fantasizing and wake up and add to the imagination.  It was if I was living in a never ending day dream and my world was what I had to put up with.  I lived in an constant bubble.  Not letting reality hit me and not allowing myself to get hurt.  It was glass menagerie.  My illusion that I was living some what of a reality but stayed in my dreams when anything wrong was going on.  Never taking responsibility because I didn’t have to.  Especially since I had an older sister and two younger that took up my parents time.  I just slipped through the cracks and made it by as well as I could.  I remember when I was bored in church I would fantasize there too.  I didn’t know any better.  It was my reality.

I sometimes wonder if I were to go mad would I slip into one of my fantasies and believe it to be reality?  If I would forget my family and think that all the celebrities that I have made love to were my loved ones.  How much of me was lost in those daydreams?  How much of me was lost to the imagination?

I now live in the real world but I still day dream.  I still regress into myself right before falling asleep.  It helps keep the monsters at bay.  What monsters?  This is were I try to combine my Christianity.

When I was younger I would feel like there was some kind of presence in my room.  I never knew if it was safe or if it was some presence that shouldn’t be around.  I have always had some kind of spiritual experience.  A year hasn’t gone by in my life when I have had some kind of abnormal experience more like supernatural experience happen to me.  Now please understand that I believe that I have been redeemed with the blood of Jesus Christ and I have spoken in tongues.

Well that was then.  I don’t know about now…

Anyway I have been baptized, I have danced in the spirit, I had a demon casted out of me, and I have spoken in tongues.  I have also given someone a tiny prophesy.  I know you might think she is crazy.  That there is no way that these things could happen to someone but please believe that I am not crazy and I have had these things happen to me.  They are real.  If you do not believe that their are demons, angels, or that you have been redeemed by the son of God then stop reading altogether.  Stop reading because you might not understand or care for the rest of this post.

There are things I cannot not explain that have happened.  That I wish I could scientifically explain and give proof but alas I have none of it.  All of my life I’ve had people say “If you just let go He can do great things in your life!”  If I could go back to them and say “I have let go not in the way you might have wanted it but what now?  What happens to this lost child of His?  I am even lost?  Or was this the plan all along?”  I know that Jesus loves us no matter what.  But I have had a huge fight with myself wondering if He does love the ones that have decided to become homosexual.  Sure sex can be perverted, if you pervert it.  But what if two women or two men have sex in love.  Two people of the same sex love each other and are faithful, have been with each other for years with no other partner… Does not God consider a partnership between two straight people that have had sex with only one another to be husband and wife?  So would they not be a married couple?

For Christians I’m sorry if this may seem blasphemous but do not preach to me what the doctrine says.  Come to me with an open heart and try to explain to me what you think… Not what you know or what it says in black and white.  Come to me with open arms and minds and answer me that.  Answer me what does God do with those who are born one way but in their heart they know its not.  But yet myself who has ran and ran from being a lesbian has had all these spiritual experiences.  Experiences where I should have been frightened but I have ran into God’s arms and have been covered.

I don’t know what else to say.  I don’t know where else to go with this.  This has been one heavy post but it was needed to be said.  I will elaborate more on another one.  But for now I will leave you with that.  Take it in.  If its too much, than I’m sorry but this is me.  I will not apologize for it anymore.  Take it or leave it…

XOXO

~RoMa

Unappreciated . . . Unwanted . . . Unloved . . .

The child in me cries every time those emotions erupt. They come too often for me to ignore, and I finally meditated and traced my ”anger” to its source and saw a truth: I felt unappreciated, unwanted and unloved when the latest PTSD  explosion occurred. And maybe now, after looking within and seeing how  those feelings may have surfaced, I can cope with them better .

From what I learned, my mother nearly died during my child-birth. The baby Michael was shipped off to a “farm” in Mays Landing, New Jersey, where the grandmother raised the infant.

The boy’s father had been quoted as saying he would have preferred to see the son dead, and not see the pain such a birth caused his wife.

Could any of this have been absorbed by an infant, and more importantly, could those long suppressed feelings affect the man in middle age? Could they have contributed to events experienced in Vietnam and now mingle with fears, anxieties and a sense of loss I feel? 

That’s my struggle with PTSD. I learn more  about myself every day. Like today, I stopped at an “outlet” bread store for rolls. Picked up a dozen in a bag  and walked to the counter. An older man was standing there, waiting for an order he made the day before. The young man, behind the counter, appeared rushed. It was the day before Thanksgiving, and the store was crowded, even before noon.

I placed my bag on the empty counter, hoping that I could quickly pay and get out to complete some other chore. But the young man did not look at me. He simply said to “wait a second” when I moved my bag closer to his line of vision. No luck in getting quick service here.

The clerk left the counter. Returned and said something beneath his breath, only to leave the sales area a second time for the bakery in back. Other customers had walked up behind me with multiple bags of breads, rolls, pies and what not.

When the clerk returned, he lay two big boxes on the counter. I had to remove my bag and place it behind the cash register. The older man paid for his goods and had trouble getting them out of the door some eight feet away.

“Here, let me help you,” I said, opening and holding the door for him to get by. I felt good to have provided him service. But when I returned to the register, the couple that were behind me were now being waited upon. Their order seemed to go on and on.

My patience, however, did  not!

“A good deed never goes unpunished,” I said, loud enough for the cashier to hear me. Either he did not, or worse, he ignored me. The woman in line, however, did hear and offered an apology. “I’m not mad at you,”  I said to her and the man accompanying her.

“I mad at this asshole,” I barked, my anger rising  as I still was unable to get the sombitch attention. He continued to look toward the register, ignoring my challenge to his lack of courtesy.

As the man and woman looked at me, I knew I had done wrong. “I’m sorry,” I said, and added . “I have PTSD,” as if that could explain my rude behavior. I threw the bag of rolls to the floor and walked out of the store, blowing all other chores I had intended to complete.

“God, why am I  hyper-alert, hyper sensitive?” I asked. Please make me calm, mellow. Just don’t make death the only way for me to find that peace.

From www.verseoftheday.com comes today’s bible verse:

The LORD is my light and my salvation– whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life– of whom shall I be afraid?

–Psalm 27:1 (New Internation Version)

What this verse represents to me at this point my journey:

To me, it means that as long as I place my trust in the Lord that there is nothing on this Earth that I should fear.  He is with me, and I know that when the Lord calls me home it will be in His time, not mine–so what should I fear?  When my time here is done, I’ll go, and there is nothing that can be done to avoid that.

A small miracle is happening right before our eyes if we only open our hearts to see.

A minister, a rabbi and a Muslim sheik put their differences on the line and walked away clearing  an unobstructed path to God.

They met together and spoke of the greatest aspects of their respective faiths, as well as what they believed were the most divisive.

What they most valued as the core teachings of their tradition:

• the minister “unconditional love.”

• the sheik “compassion.”

• the rabbi “oneness.”

What they regarded as the “untruths” in their own faith:

• the minister: “Christianity is the only way to God.”

• the rabbi: the notion of Jews as “the chosen people.”

• the sheik: the “sword verses” in the Koran, like “kill the unbeliever.”

Now, I’m simply using my poetic license here. About that “unobstructed path to God,” that is. But read this  story submitted by Dustin.

It is from a newspaper article of the “three amigos” who may, one can only hope, help to unite all again. (See if you don’t agree!)

great story of friendship

The terrorists won.

They pushed my face into the dirt. Made me low crawl through those metal detectors. Violated me like no prison incarceration could ever have make me feel.

None of this actually happened. But that is the way the Philadelphia Veterans Adminstration Center made me feel this morning with its new security measure that left me with very little dignity upon entering the building.

The guards asked me if I had any “sharp objects” before I entered. They probably meant a knife, but I wondered if a key or even a pen could  fit that description. I hesitated, but kept my mouth shut. Didn’t want to cause any trouble with uniformed guards who appeared to have  loaded guns at their sides.

But then the female guard told me to take off my belt.

My belt, I thought, what the hell is that going to secure? My pants needed the belt  to stay up. Why did I have to feel I was about to be ridiculed like that woman did to an Iraqi prisoner at Abu Ghraib. I kept thinking an accident would occur while stripping in front of this woman.

And what the hell is a metal detector going to detect from an unattached belt, that a metal detector could not detect while the belt is safely holding up a pair of pants? You can see if the metal of a belt buckle is hiding something while the person is wearing a belt, can’t you? What is the purpose of going beltless?

Now, you have to know that I have never been subjected to this routine before, except at Graterford Prison, Pennsylvania’s biggest and baddest prison facility. Most attorneys I know dislike the procedure. But we overcome our distaste for this invasive practice for our criminal clients.

None of the Philadelphia prisons require such action. At least they haven’t during the 20 years I have practiced, and the several months serving as the “prison chief” while working at the Defender Association of Philadelphia.

Also, I have visited this VA office more than a dozen times over the past four years. The first time I needed help (and was turned down, by the way) was shortly after returning from Vietnam and complained of a hearing loss I suffered while employed as a grunt in a combat infantry platoon. Never in all my trips to the VA have I been subjected to such mistrust. Stripping off my belt made me feel like a criminal, plain and simple. (See  VA indignity for Part 2)

Tuesday November 24, 2009 By Kevin Morrow

Now social conditioning to me merely means how the mind sees reality. How you grow up and the environment you live in determines the values put inside of your mind. It does this until you decide to be in charge. Social conditioning structures things like how we view marriage, sex, relationships, and boundaries of what is acceptable and not acceptable.

The difference between a girl that is your friend and a “girlfriend” is a social label. It’s a conditioning of the mind to recognize the difference between a casual and a not so casual “friend.” What I’m getting at is these things get downloaded into our mental programs of reality.

One of my girlfriends and I got along way better after the energy of a “label” was taken away in our interactions. The label puts the mind into separation, which is a separation from love. Think about this, if you have a conversation with a married person you may automatically close of doors to certain forms of love because you feel that persons love is reserved for one person.

I’m not talking about sex here, or intimate things of that nature. I’m talking about closing the doors to potential mind healing because you hear the label married, and assume that you have to close yourself of to certain types of love.

This is not the case, people in perfect love are responsible for their actions and would be open to all forms of love instead of closing them self off to the possibility. Again I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about communication.

It’s just been socially conditioned into the minds and it takes an element of freedom away. When freedom is no longer free, things become uncomfortable. You can still talk to a married person and share energy, but that doesn’t mean you have to sleep with them. Sex is not love anyway. Sex is to reproduce, and that’s it. It is viewed as fun because it is the representation of union. Love separated and then combined. It’s an attempt to reconnect with perfect love through the body.

Ever notice though that sex is more mental? Love is not sex, but sex can be love. It’s the separation of mind that creates the labels and creates illusion through its “perceived” separation from love.

Do you know why sex is one of the most dominant urges of the human experience? The reason is it’s a material attempt to reconnect with G-D and perfect love. Separation and union, separation and union, just like the mind has done with LOVE.

WHY DO PEOPLE GET HURT OVER BREAKUPS?

People get hurt over breakups because they don’t understand love. They are trying to make something perfect that cannot be if it’s not perfect love. In order to have perfect love your mind cannot have separation from love.

The mind is creating a social conditioning image of love through the eyes of the EGO. So you build up all these expectations of how “”PERFECT” something should be, and then when it’s not “PERFECT” your expectations are shattered. When expectations don’t live to what you see, your EGO get’s pissed. The only way to support a separation from perfect love is to make you see it through foggy classes.

So you chase something you can’t really see, and you keep chasing because you really think your seeing it. Like a cat chases the light of a flashlight across the floor. The cat can never actually catch the light, because what it is actually seeing is not what it thinks it’s seeing.

When you label yourself as only giving your love to one person, you severely restrict yourself. Once again I’m not talking about sex. The spirit which is PERFECT LOVE doesn’t need sex, and probably experiences orgasmic energy all the time because it’s not separated from reality.

Now if you flip the script and dedicate yourself to be intimately in love with yourself, out of perfect love, then situations of perfect love will be yours to experience. EXACTLY how you believe them to be possible.

Now back to social conditioning

If you look to the outside world to figure out what love is, all you will see is fear. Things in the world pass away, therefore fear will be in the outside world. When you get married you say “Till death do us part.” Strong statement, but death can be of the mind as well. But death can only be of the mind that isn’t real.

Anything real will last, anything not real will pass away. Real love has no boundaries. You see this sometimes in mother child interactions. There are mothers that have unconditional love for their children no matter what they do in life. They see them through perfect love vision.
Nothing can destroy perfect love, but illusions can make it seem that way.

The thing that ego fears worth is death. All EGO is, is the separation from perfect love. So when you fear love, you are fearing the death of love, not love itself. Just remember that love cannot die.

<

Tuesday November 24, 2009 By Kevin Morrow

Hi everyone, what’s up?

Funny how I ask that question but I don’t really know your answer until you comment. So comment after you read this blog post and tell me what’s up. Here’s an even better idea, comment what you think about this topic.

I was on facebook and I saw this as a “status update” on my friends page. I thought I would talk about it especially since what I have to say wouldn’t fit on facebook.

So let’s get into this…

Why Are You Afraid to love?

I’ve heard some people say because they are not in control, and as a result they feel the other person is. Let’s look at this from TRUTH. If it is not perfect, unconditional love, it’s illusion. The reason a person would feel like they have no control has nothing to do with love. It has everything to do with fear of love. People are associating love with hurt and pain because they “think” that love can be taken from them.

Love cannot be taken from you. Love is something that is eternal within you, it doesn’t leave. The difference between love and “emotions” is that emotions are created by the mind that separates itself from the feeling of perfect love.

You are the only person that can control your reactions, so thinking somebody else is in control is in your own mind. If you believe things to be this way, that is the way it will be for you.

But check this out…If you love yourself, like perfect love DOES, you cannot be hurt by love. Hurt is the opposite of love and the opposite of love is not real. The opposite of love is an illusion of your mind. That’s why it doesn’t feel right.

Wherever there is fear, there is a calling out for LOVE.

Some say they are afraid of love because you can’t guarantee what will happen in the end. This is also an illusion. You can’t guarantee that you will wake up tomorrow but you still go to sleep. The only thing you can guarantee is that you control your reactions.

Love is not a thought, love is REALITY. This is why everybody seeks it, because they feel they are separate from it. Fears are thoughts. They come from a mind that “thinks” it is separated from love. If you didn’t think you were separated from love you would not have these fears. So the question to ask is, why do you feel like you are separate from love?

If you are afraid of love, you are most likely looking for love outside of yourself. From another person, or valentines day card, or roses, or chocolates, something external that has no real value. The real value of love is internal. That’s why people who love themselves do not fear love. Because they are love.

Think about it…The world is always changing, why would you look for love outside of yourself? It would always change. Your inner beliefs are what make the reality you “think” you see outside of your self.

You are afraid of love because you are afraid to take responsibility in the fact that it’s your fault that you are not experiencing it the way you know you should. This is what causes the conflict. The spirit is perfect love, the mind thinks it’s separated. The two cannot exist together because one of them is not real.

I’m not pointing fingers, I know this to be reality within myself, and this is how I heal my mind.

If I feel like love is outside of me, and I’m not responsible for whether or not I experience it correctly, then I will blame things, people,events, and I will create fear. None of these things are real, they all pass away.

It’s similar to associating success with a car. If you feel like you are successful because of a car, what are you after you don’t have the car, or grow tired of the car. Are you back down at the bottom of the barrel? Do you have to go out and get another car to be successful again.

The more you do something like that, the more you create illusions of reality for yourself. Love is the only reality there is, everything else is illusion. When I say Love, I mean perfect unconditional love. Not the love that is subject to the “perceptions” of the split mind, and the “gratifications” of the ego. I’m talking about the perfect love that everybody is pursuing without even realizing it.

The only way to heal fear of love is to forgive it’s existence. If you can forgive the fact that you see the fear in others, it begins to heal your mind. Once you realize that if you forgive the fear of love in others, you will begin to forgive the fear of love within yourself. This will heal your mind from the false reality that you are not LOVE.

The link below is to The Escape the Matrix Radio Show “Forgiveness is the New Sexy.”

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/freeyourself/2009/11/15/forgiveness-is-the-new-sexy

I honestly don’t know anything about this band

other than that they’re doing the in rainbows thing where they’re selling their album for whatever you want (Y)

Vacation – I Was Bikini/But Rain Afraid

Hello there, how are you?

Today I was browsing the Internet, acquiring some knowledge if you prefer to call it like that, and I came across a posting that had the right path of creativity, therefore, I decided to re-invent it, edit it, and change it for your delightful entertainment.  Hopefully all of us girls can identify.. By all means, if you want to add another point, be my guest, this list can only keep getting better, that way we will find PRINCE CHARMING…

My Boyfriend Application and Test

First, a little about me. I’m a 26-year-old, very  good looking and intelligent Latina, with a full time Job and  attending University. I’m tired of wasting my time, so I have formulated some mandatory criteria in part A, and part B is based on points.

Part A

1) You must be born male. I’ll need to see a birth certificate proving so.

2) You must own something to wear to a formal reception. And at least a couple formal shoes.
3) You must not own or ever wear Birkenstocks, crocs footwear or wrangler jeans. Or wear your jeans so low, that  I can see the end of your briefs.
4) All your parts need to be in good working order, further testing will need to be conducted of course.
5) I can’t accept a regular drug user. Despite CA culture, I am including weed.
6) You must own at least four collared dress shirts. You need to look presentable standing next to me.
7) Your height must be proportional to your weight using the standard AMA guidelines. (fyi, I do prefer them taller than me, so you have to be at least 6 feet) .
You must have a couple photos which were  taken in the last 2 months.
9) English must be your first language. However you need to have a pretty good understanding of Spanish and Latin culture, or at least a desire to learn.

If you meet all of the requirements above then you may continue, if not, then you are now dismissed but thank you for applying to be my boyfriend.

Now: give yourself two points for each of the following criteria you meet

Part B

1) You have (or are working on) a degree.
2) You own a car and have a valid driver’s license. Suspended for DUIs: minus 10 points.

3) If your car is better and newer than mine add 5 points
4) You’ve never worn Ed Hardy, Affliction or any other Christian Audigier affiliated brand.

5) If 80% of your shoes can be described as sneakers take minus 5 points.
6) You follow at least one professional sport.
7) You have skills in bed. Not because you think you do, because your past experiences have told you.
You are not a born again Christian, Jehovah’s Witness or any other kind of religious fanatic.
9) You have been to at least three countries outside of the US.
10) You don’t need to call a handy man if something breaks around the house.
11) You know how to cook a meal for two. (Eggs, instant noodles, sandwiches, lean cuisine do not count as a meal)

12) You actually do shores around the house, like doing dishes after I cooked, help cleaning the kitchen, bringing flowers, wine etc..
13) You like stepping out of your bubble and trying new things like different cuisine, bungee jumping, salsa dancing.
14) You can make it through a romantic comedy without complaining (don’t worry we don’t have to tell your friends).
15) You have a great sense of humor. Are people laughing with you, or at you?
16) You can plan a good date without any help or advice from me. “I don’t know, what do you want to do” isn’t an answer.
17) You work out and enjoy being physically active. I hit the gym regularly, you should too.
18) You have a job that requires more than a high school diploma.
19) You read books, or at least you read the newspaper, so we can talk about worldwide subjects.  

20) You are an educated individual. You challenge my intellectual abilities.
21) You have a 5 year goal.
22) You aren’t afraid of being yourself, even if you have a dorky, nerdy side. (that’s kinda hot).
23) You’re competitive, and I don’t mean you like to battle it out on Wii with your buddies on the weekends.
24) You know how to dance.

25) You are spontaneous and creative.

26) You are secure about yourself and us. Meaning I’m not looking for a jealous, immature, insecure chauvinistic pig. People are going to check us out. Just enjoy the ride, at the end of the night I’m going home with you.

27) Last but not least, you can acknowledge when you screw up, and say sorry;  flowers and a romantic dinner might help you get some points back.

If you have a score of 40+ then please contact me immediately. If you scored between 20-35 pts, you can contact me, but I don’t have a lot of hope for our future relationship. If you did not score high enough, then please do not contact me, but if at some time in the future you are able to improve yourself and meet the minimum requirements, then you may re-apply.

You MUST respond with your age (this is a creeper free zone, 25-36 year olds only please) and your picture.

I thank you in advance for your application, however, only successful candidates will receive a response.

fyi.. I’m not trying to be rude or insult anyone..

This blog is just for fun, and to make you laugh!

With Love

xoxoxoxo Ment@l Fashion Addict

These are exciting days for the Church of Christ! Not only are God’s blessings to come upon us, but they are to overtake us according to Deuteronomy 28. We are not talking about some blessings; we are talking about all the blessings! There will not be a place where you will go or can go that you will not be blessed. Your children are declared blessed because they are the “considered” fruit of your body. Everything from the land being blessed by producing and increasing with food and possessions to satisfy your physical needs, so also will be the prosperity and increase of your family! You will have no need of want, for your cupboards will be supplied because of God’s Word. As you labor in your workplace, the promise of blessings are assured despite economic conditions. Because of the promise and our inheritance in Christ, the enemies that rise up against us, that oppose us are guaranteed defeat before our very eyes – they may try to plot and scheme to overtake us, but they will be met by numerous ways of failure and they will fall by their own swords.

Our Precious Lord has decreed and has commanded the blessings over us because of His promise to Abraham and the fulfillment of Christ. Our houses will be full and everything we set our hands to will be blessed by the Lord! Even now, this day, God is establishing us as His Holy people – His Spirit is producing within us a perfect presence of His Image, His nature, His character, and His integrity. We are blessed in this land that God has given to us! Because of what Christ is doing on the inside and outside of us – people, the world will see that our God has not abandoned us and His Name goes before us and He will do great signs and wonders through His people and the world will see and be afraid of us because our God is on our side and no one will be able to rise their hand, their arm against us!

Our inheritance promises us plenty of goods. We will increase and produce fruits, treasures, supplies, and blessings from the storehouse of God. We will receive the necessary rainfall for produce but also the rains, mists, and showers of His Spirit raining upon us producing life, health, and the healing on our nation and world. Our vats will be overflowing for our borrowing days will have to cease. We will be set above and be the leaders and authority over the land which God has given to us!

The Declaration of the Blessings is found in Deuteronomy 28:1-14. God is bringing everything He promised to reality in these days. Now you may say that these blessings are Old Testament Biblical blessings and they were for that particular time and not for today. Well, the awesome truth about the time we live in is that we are living in the days of the fulfillment of the blessings. All of the blessings are being manifested in our days because these are the days that Christ is restoring the Church to its inheritance (Romans 4). We no longer have to perform acts of the Old Testament law for blessings fulfillment. It will not be by might, by power, but by My Spirit says the Lord.

Encouragement: Kingdom Blessings Come to Kingdom Children

We still must be a follower of Jesus Christ and keep the standards within His Word. It is walking God’s ways and experiencing His blessings, for in these days God is favoring His Children. May we walk humbly before Him in love, gratitude, and thanksgiving as we wait and watch His Word coming forth into our lives!

Blessings and honor and praise be unto You, our God, our Sustainer, our Redeemer, our Life!

Now the years after graduating from high school and the years beginning college (because I took a 2 year hiatus) were kinda of a blur.  Working from job to job and just getting by until my younger sister, sister S, graduated from high school and asked me to go to school with her.

Now I had applied to two schools before taking my hiatus.  One was a fashion school in NYC and the other was in another school at the southwest tip of New York.  I got into both and was deciding to go to the fashion school but things were impeding me to arrive to the school when they needed me to show for testing and what not.  Therefore I did not go to either school.  Now the school sister S was interested in going to is a Christian school.  A christian private school that was on News Weeks 100th best schools.  It is a GREAT school, it has great morals, wonderful people… yadda, yadda, yadda…

Once I started school there when I was 20 I started to realize how truly wrong it was to lust after women, to crave women, and to watch pornography.  Yes as a women I was very interested in porn.  Honestly I am still interested in it.  If  I’m putting my stuff out in the open why not just do it and put it ALL out there!

Apparently I had not been upholding the standards that I was supposed to as a Christian girl.  Yet nonetheless I came out of my shell.  I started to become more outgoing, more relaxed with myself, funny, and well liked.  I finally felt I some what belonged.  I felt during my high school years no one understood me because I had to always wear skirts and I was ridiculed about it.  But in college I was accepted for who and what I was (well at the time).  These years I believe have been my most dissatisfying and joyous years by far.

The first few years I think I didn’t care as to what I looked like, who I befriended, what my grades were and just of who I was.  I was just a fresh person on this new campus in a new world!  So I took it in as much as I could!  But slowly, looking back now, I realize how much the school thrusts upon us to get married have children and be happy.  That’s all…

Even though I was there to get an education it felt it was more guided with who was dating who, and for how long.  There was even a running joke.  That many women only came to the school to get their M.R.S. degree.  Which is sad!  I had never heard of that term until I started going to that school.  Also why would you claim that ALL women that go to that school only come to get that degree.  It was as if that was the only reason to go if you were a woman.

Well as naive as I used to be I was so excited that it could happen but never once did I actually go out and look for someone to date.  I wasn’t interested. Nor am I interested still to get that M.R.S. degree unless the laws change and I can actually marry a woman.

But I had become that girl that the school wanted me to become.  The meek, servant of God, loved by all, while being sweet and charming.  But those weren’t the only parts of me.  I had more.  Much more lurking in the dark (as people want to think).  I had so many doors in my soul that I had kept secret.  That I had barred with anything and everything so that I would never look at or even approach.  I was scared to pretend that they were even there.  So I tried not to think of things that would make our wonderful God angry.

Yet this following year all that changed.  I evolved and I became more.  With more understanding and with acceptance I transformed.

Well lovies I will leave this post here.  I will keep you wanting and come back another day to add to sed story!

~RoMa

Quantum Physics is something I can hardly spell, let alone want to learn more about.

But the little exposure I have received so far makes me believe its part of a “New Age” revival. And may have possibly been prophesied about more than two millenniums ago.

Next time that you are in a book store, ask to see the “Gospel according to Mary Magdalene.” (see mary) Damn if she ain’t referring to Quantum Physics. And no wonder Peter gets pissed. “Why would Jesus reveal this to you, and not to us?” Peter asks, with me paraphrasing his words. He also noted — correctly in that day and age of male chauvinism and domination — that none of the Jews in Jerusalem would accept this kind of presentation from a mere woman. (His indication, not mine!)

Peter asks the rest of the apostles: Would Jesus prefer her (Mary) over us?

Read it!

The passage is very small. Most of the book is commentaries, along with an author’s view of what the writings purport to say. You don’t have to be a Christian or even believe in any or all the Bible, whether according to King James or the Vatican, to appreciate the text .

But see if Jesus is not talking about some “New Age” stuff right out of our 20th century (21st century?) physics teachings. Perhaps Mary was given this info 2,000 years ago and someone in the early Church could not comprehend it, and therefore, banned it, as “heresy.”

Nah, that would be too far-fetched to believe of the beginnings of Christianity.

Wouldn’t it?

As a Son or Daughter of God, as a Believer, Dreamer, or Visionary, you don’t have to be afraid of anything! Don’d be afraid to overcome, win, succeed, prosper, or to fulfill your destiny and purpose!

This Spiritual Song, “I’M NOT AFRAID”, is an encouragement and reminder of strength, supply, help, and foresight that is available to you RIGHT NOW!

For a FREE DOWNLOAD: Click Here! 

The Literary World of Sylvia Hubbard

 

Sylvia Hubbard’s Stories

---

Posted: 20 Nov 2009 05:29 PM PST READER QUESTION: why do you create these mean guys? and how do you get them to be so damn likable.Read free stories from romance suspense, sensual noir author from Detroit, Sylvia Hubbard

Posted: 20 Nov 2009 10:18 AM PST There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.Read free stories from romance suspense, sensual noir author from Detroit, Sylvia Hubbard

You are subscribed to email updates from The Literary World of Sylvia Hubbard

Now if you are a HARDCORE Jesus Freak……… like I was when I was younger you lived your life as holy as possible!  No pants, no cutting of the hair, no boys, no anything!  I was SO reserved! I never let anyone into the realm of my soul.  Not even my sisters who I would say were my best friends.

I knew I was afraid to step outside of me because I would fall into “gayisms”.  Is that even a word?  I remember growing up the only friends I somewhat had were in church, and they were my friends because they had to be.  How sad is that… I believed they were truly close to me.  But alas it was because of convenience.

Anyways I grew up the quiet reserved teenager who wore the same jacket everyday to school even though I changed my clothing underneath.  But the same jacket over top of my clothes.  I became that pathetic girl that no one notices in the corner.  The one that people make fun of because of her hair… Come on… I know you’ve done it!  Made fun of the quiet weird girl.  I say it because when I got older I did it to the other weird quiet girls.  I know sad that you make fun of the ones that still look weird.  Well finally the little girl graduates high school.  I took a boy that didn’t even want to go with me to the prom.  I kinda wished I stayed home that night.  I spent money I didn’t have and never once did I dance.  What’s the point of going if you don’t dance?  Well after that I spent two years working and not once saving money to go to college.

Now to add to this confusion of my sexual preference (this might get a little dark for some but please bare with me) when I was a little girl I was sexual molested.  Now many here will say “OH GOT IT! THAT’S WHY she likes women…” Then this is where the big piano will fall on your head for being stupid!  Sure I can say that it might have had some kind of affect but the only affect it had with me was to think that this is what men do and that I need to marry a man that will not do that.  Sure I have insecurities with men.  But ladies and gentlemen tell me what woman does not have insecurities with men?  I believe a lot of insecurities with men come from their father growing up.  And I know that my father wasn’t a great father but he tried I believe he did, to do his best.  My parents came to this country as many say as “wet backs”.  They had to work hard to become citizens and get rights here in the United States.  I am proud that they were able to achieve that!  But because of all the setbacks that they had, the limitations, the lack of help, they had to by pass many things for their daughters to survive.  Remember those kids that you would see go home and there were no parents home.  That would be us.  We would have some random adult living in our house that would not be near us but from a far take care of us.  Otherwise we were left alone most of the time.

ANY WHO… Insecurities with men…  I have a lot of guy friends now.  They all love me and believe me to be a great friend.  I am a very good confidant.  I love to listen to them because they just need a friend.  I believe I can trust them all with many things.  But like friends you will not reveal everything to I do the same with my guy friends.  I do believe some to be very handsome but I am not in any way attracted to them.  I don’t dream of marrying them and having hot sex with these men.  As a matter of fact I can’t seem to realize when their is a very handsome man in my presence.  Not until another woman realizes their hotness then I look over and I see what the fuss is and see them as somewhat “doable”.  I just can’t seem to find myself wanting men.  But when I see an older woman so sex-sally walk in my presence my heart jumps and I get like a giddy little girl.

I remember I had a crush on a trainer at a job I used to have.  Her name was Michelle.  I didn’t believe her to be extremely beautiful but her personally won me over!  I would get butterflies whenever she was near.  Yet I disregarded those emotions.  As I did with any emotion that I had with women.  I even had a problem being TOO touchy felly with women because I was afraid that my touching would go too far.

DAMN!  ALL THE SIGNS WERE THERE!  I only just recently, this past June, decided I would allow myself to be loved and love women.  Ok this has been a long post.  Not expecting it to be… and it kinda was ALL over the place.  But here’s something to keep you wanting until next time!  See ya lovies!

~RoMa

I am by no means an actress. At fourteen years old, I dabbled in the art. I wrote a Shakespearean themed play to act out with a friend on a stage in front of parents, teachers and classmates. My monotone lines and blank stare were enough to scare me away. It just was not for me. I prefer to write the lines, and watch others perform. I’m a puppeteer; I run the show.

One might attribute my lack of acting skills to stage fright. It is an easy excuse. “My lines suffered from my stage fright.” No, thank you. I just cannot act. Now, you may presently be thinking: “What in hell does this have to do with writing?”

Everything.

Page fright, publication fright, whatever you would like to call it. It is the reason you have yet to submit a piece of your work to any type of publication.  You are afraid of rejection, of not being good enough. Who knows, you may not be.

Rejection means everything. It is the water to your seed of writing. You may pinch yourself to see if you are dreaming, what I am telling you is not a nightmare. Without rejection, you will be lead to think your writing does not need room to grow. It does, all writing needs room to grow. Rejection forces it to do so.

My first submission to a literary magazine took place at Rider University two years ago. I sat in my dorm, horrified. I had the guidelines in one screen, and my pieces in others. I refused to pick what to send to the magazine, I was afraid of what the outcome would be. I forced myself to submit a short story, and various poems. Not everything was accepted. To my surprise, that was thrilling. I was forced to confront the fact that my writing has yet to become perfect.

Now, I am daring you. Write a short story; write it about anything. Then, when you have tortured every last sentence to your idea of perfection, search for a literary magazine currently accepting submissions.

Submit.

Indecisive.

The very word itself creeps me out.

Can’t think of anything more debilitating than this four-syllable word. It ranks up there with “impotent.” At least to someone who’s always seen himself  a “man of action.” Military might have had something to do with me. Take action, is what I learned,  so that no one can see how unsure you really are at times. Whatever you do, don’t freeze. Even a bad decision is better than none; appearing immobile is just like showing you’re “afraid.”

Oh boy, there goes another one of those words I hate to mention in public, “afraid.” How often have I been afraid to do something in life? Afraid to start something new, afraid to follow a different path. Afraid to Love?

Afraid that no one would care what I had to say or give a hoot if they even listened to me in the first place.

How, you may ask, did I get to this point? I can trace it directly to an article on “discernment,” provided by my internet friend, Steven Goodheart. Your actions set in motion your “intent,” is what I got out of this reading, and you before you act, you should know what “intent” you intend . . .

You understand that? Well, neither do I, and that is the crux of the matter. I don’t know what my “intent” is or what it should be in the first place.

I guess the bigger question is “what is one’s intention for life?”

Beats the hell out of me. And there’s the rub, as Shakespeare once said with his full intent aimed directly at me. I guess I’m looking for intent today. How can I choose to take a step, if I can not see where my next movement will take me, or what chain reaction it could possibly start?

So I’m stuck. Almost afraid to share this, believing that such an admission would only show weakness and make me too vulnerable to  what, I don’t know. See. I can’t even name the object of my fears! It’s almost as if I am waiting for something, someone to guide me, to point me into a direction to go, and give me a gentle little nudge.

And then I ask myself, “what would Woody Allen do in a situation like this? Because, that is exactly how I feel. Insecure and anxious. WoodyAllen-like. We share the same birth day, have the same biorhythms. Why not the same neurosis? (Or is that neuroses?)

Let me think about this. But not too long. I don’t “intend” to wait and hang around here all day! 

There is a widespread belief that many women hold. They really think that men are afraid of commitment. This argument is easily refuted. Men are not afraid of commitment. They are committed to what they want.

I wrote a similar article on this point. If a man wants to have the cake and butter should work. The sad truth of our culture that dates back today is that men do not have enough mental challenge by women to encourage them to be truly captivated bymind. They are used for women are easy and desperate.

The women giving men men before their appointment. Not really working on capturing the attention of a man or to enter the mind of a man.

If you give a man of bacon, eggs, your attention, your body, your secrets, sex, because he wanted to give a commitment?

Think about it. If you move with your boyfriend, behave like a woman and you get to see the pants with faded, what shouldwait?

The problem is that women do not keep a secret, the men and make them work hard enough for them. They respond to people to encourage them to become lazy. The men were made to work. They may not value what they have unless they work for it.

The best way to find a man to commit to you is to use its control now and create enough space to carry in your forever without giving SEX.

You may think it's a little behind, but calls for men of quality if theywait a wonderful woman and I'll tell you two things:

1. Yes I can wait.
2. And I respect more.

The men agree that they want … not only for women who do not ask enough respect.

On a different note… this is something i wrote about the person who broke my heart… its a song… its long but it needs to be posted… for me… Here it is!

How I still hate you
but I want you everyday,
my heart yearns for you
and it calls for you somehow,
wishing that I never met you
but I don’t know how to let you go,
how long will I sit
in this bottomless pit

how long how long how long will you keep me here
I want to change
I want to grow but
I’m afraid to let go
I want to be
I want to see
but I can’t let there be

how do you keep me bound
when you have no ground
to say anything at all
how do you keep me here
when there’s nothing left
I just want to be free
I want to run from you
I want to run from me
oh lover stay away
stay stay away
you say your gonna go one way
but you go in circles

how many times
how many times
how many times
do I have to fall for it over again
how many times will I think its the same
until I realize its a game

let me run cuz I want to stay
you’ve gone far away so far
yet my heart cries for you

how long how long how long will I ask for you
how long how long how long will I keep crying for you
how long how long how long till I break free from you
from this
from your constant battle
from your constant game
how long how long how long how long how long till I break free
leave me be
leave me be oh lover

BRIDGE
March in a different direction because this heart is breaking in pieces
March in another direction because your starting to change me to something I don’t want to be
stupid
broken
hearted
lover
I can’t
keep going on
there’s nothing left here all you see is rubble all you see is brokenness all you feel is ashes running through your hands ashes ashes ashes

how long how long how long till I’m sane again,
how long how long how long how long till I can walk tall
how long how long how long how long how long till I can look you in the eyes and not feel anything at all
look you in the eyes and tell you go away run away leave me be
how long how long how long till your touch is nothing to me
nothing to me
when your kisses feel like poison to my skin
when your gaze feels like its burning my flesh alive
how long how long how long how long how long till I feel sick of calling your name
calling your heart
crying out for you
running to you
and the smell of you
how long how long how long

I had a dream the other night.
In my dream, my father had climbed up on a ladder outside my windows (mind you, I live on the 3rd floor). He wanted to fix something – I don`t remember what – and started to remove one of the widows. But instead of handling it with care, he just tossed the window down into the backyard, shattering it into a thousand pieces before moving on to the next one.I was shouting to him and urging him to stop what he was doing and climb down, but he just ignored me and kept on.I was so angry and frustrated and afraid for his safety all at the same time….And then I woke up.

Guess it doesn`t take a brain surgeon to figure that dream out…

The great Americans who post comments on Fox Nation’s Web site, the blogging cesspool that is a product of the Fox News empire, have a new target: entertainer Stevie Wonder.

Here is what is written to get things started:

Grammy award-winning musician Stevie Wonder said President Barack Obama’s popularity has been decreasing because “people are afraid of change.” Regarding health care reform, Wonder said people are “bickering over something that we should have had a long time ago.”
 
“I think as far as his [Obama's] popularity decreasing, I think it’s because people are so used to, they’re so afraid of change and I think you have politics playing too much a role in what should be a natural, given that health care in this country needs to be improved and that’s just a reality,” Wonder told CNSNews.com in an exclusive interview before his performance at a benefit concert for the Maya Foundation, a Washington D.C.-based non-profit group that raises money for special education programs in private schools

Now, let us take a look at some sample comments from some of the readers:

Obama Approval Down ‘Cause People “Afraid Of Change”
Is he blind or something? He sure can’t seem to see the damn truth. If he could see whats happening around him he’d have a different view about how things are.

Here’s another:

Stevie should just stick too singing, otherwise shut up.
All ya gotta do is open your eyes and look around at what’s happening.

More classy words from Fox Nation:

Another black entertainer/sports star that doesn’t know what he’s talking about and should keep his mouth shut.

There’s more:

Stevie, I love your music, so, shut up and sing.

Lets keep it going:

I AM NOT stevie………………….I heard your music and Smokey Robinson and Ray Charles and the Commadors and on and on and on.
I was NEVER afraid of change. WE faught for the right to have change when we defeated Germany and Japan and Korea and so on…………….I have NEVER been afraid of change.
Change is ALL around us….around us ALL!
Maybe stevie it’s because you have NEVER seen our FLAG wave in the wind….sung God Bless America or shed tears when a Flag covered coffin passes
by.
ONE thing we the people are NOT afraid of is change………………………………………
BUT
when we are given the choice to be SOLD out vs being PROUD…GIVE me the PRIDE in country over the offering of our gov now.
YES……………stevie…..we can HAVE change…….even in music…….or do YOU NOT remember that hit YOU had that ALL of us loved.
BUT……………………..this change is UN FIT for human consumption!
NOT even good music can MAKE us hum along!
I ……………… WISH…………………you could see what I wrote about above…but until that changes for you………give me WAHT I know and WHAT I LOVE!

And the last few:

Since Stevey wonder is blind, I will give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s only physically blinded, not ideologically blinded, as is all the Obama-ites are..

Poor Stevie blind as a bat in all ways.

Too bad Stevie can’t see what Obama is doing to this counttry…

Well, by now you get the picture.

You can see how viciously these good Americans who love Fox News attack a blind man.

Apparently I have enough time to update my post tag list, nothing new in the land of N yet, trying to figure out how I’m going to interlink all of my story’s into movuies and stuff.