Turns out it’s indeed one of his assured specialties: rhythmic gymnastics. Bachelor Pad loves anything in which the dudes will be embarrassed because they suck at it and likely have to wear very tight clothing. I can only assume the challenge card read “Even though you guys will Strug-le with this challenge, just be sure to Hamm it up as Mikey Stags Karolyis this whole team on his back. Moceanu, Mo Problems.”

“You can’t do it! You can’t cut off my mustache!”

The rest of the guys are predictably disastrous — the bags under Body by Nick’s eyes reveal that he hasn’t slept in weeks, since he’s been pounding out chest flys 23.5 hours a day, while the bags under Ed’s eyes reveal that he’s pounded all the Jager in the greater Los Angeles area — but overall the chicks are, astoundingly, worse. Tiara for some reason wore a dress and keeps flashing the thing she, um, subpoenas out of. Their saviors: Donna DiBooty, who can do layouts and roundoffs and other moves I learned from Bring it On, and Blakeley, who can do all those same things while flying off poles and wearing 7-inch lucite heels with fish swimming around in them. People seem to see Jamie as being solid too, but I’m not buying it given her rhythmic lap dance skills for Brad.

Of course the guys are forced to shoehorn into the tightest leotards since Andre the Giant accidentally put on Rey Mysterio’s outfit because he just drank three kegs of Kronenbourg. The girls suit up in some USA-ish bikinis, and it’s revealed that this is all in honor of the Olympics. Considering last season’s traditional Scottish Games in Croatia, I’m shocked they didn’t honor the Olympics by making everyone compete like they were on the syndicated Mongolian version of Iron Chef.

Our not-at-all esteemed judges for the day: JP and Ashley, although as per usual Ashley is the only one allowed to talk, along with US gymnast Tasha Schwikert, who won a team Bronze in the 2000 Olympics and, obviously, a silver in the junior division floor exercise at the 1998 City of Popes competition, which records show exactly zero Popes attended. Come routines-time, Blakeley indeed looks like a stripper, but one who also studied jazz at some point to pretend like she wasn’t a stripper, and Erica is disastrous, basically resembling like a Rockette on morphine who’s had three hip replacements.

For the dudes, it’s a full-on Stags party. Leaps high into the air with a knowing flourish and a kick of the legs, worming about on the ground, working his ribbon like it was the flagellum he was born with: he’s got it all. It’s all pretty remarkable, mainly in that he’s reportedly straight. He gets the easy vote from the judges out of the guys, and Blakeley nails it for the gals like she nailed so many customers who owned late-model Porsches. For their extreme skills, they get to go on dates with no less than three people each, which Blakeley calls “the least men I’ve ever been on a date with, by about six.” The shittiest dancers get an auto-strike against them like last week. That’s Ed, who only rhythmic-gymnastics well when he’s got between 20 and 25 drinks in him, and, obviously, Erica Rose.

Apparently the very classy Blakeley also enjoys expensive domestic cars

Politics and boobs are the main ways to get yourself picked to go on these dates. Let the campaigning/boobing begin! Donna humbly tells us that normally she can get literally any dude she wants, but Stags doesn’t immediately fall for her adorable charms like deep-throating bananas in the kitchen. Tiara makes a futile play for one, but Mikey goes with Lindzi, Donna’s jugs, and my girl Rachel, who hopes the square footage in Stagliano’s pants is up to her standards. Donna is very sexcited for this chance to rub her body up against the dude she’s been crushing on for so long.

The date’s a concert by some crappy acoustic band with asymmetrical haircuts at the Fox Theater Pomona (Yelp review from Jerry T: “Upon entering, security made me empty out my pockets and treated my chewing gum like it was contraband. They apparently don’t allow people to bring in chewing gum for fear of getting their floors clean. To make things worst, I tried to salvage a few pieces before throwing it away but they wouldn’t allow that either.” I really hope it wasn’t Trident Layers, that shit is delicious.) As everyone in the place claps along to the music like annoying white people, Rach proves that she’s somehow bad at clapping. Poor clappers don’t seem to bother Stags, though, as they make out for quite some time right in front of Donna, who is none too psyched that a girl whose ass has less than a 7-inch rise is working up on her man.

Eventually he takes some time with Donna, who clearly worked at least three summers on the Jersey Shore boardwalk drawing caricatures, because the one she draws of Mike is kinda weirdly awesome. If you want a very accurate look but a much stronger jaw than you really have, ask for Donna. This is enough for Mike to “fulfill her fantasy,” which amounts to him letting her basically lick the outside of his mouth for a while. We don’t even see Lindzi’s part of the date, which is total horseshit, although its smell doesn’t bother Lindzi because if you love horses you just learn to love EVERYTHING about them. Rach makes out some more, she gets the rose, and Donna considers getting her brothers who’re in the pipefitters union to beat up Stagliano.

Proving that unlike on the actual show, contestants on Bachelor Pad are allowed to know what day and year it is, everyone’s taking shots for Jamie’s 26th birthday. Ryan the Virgin spells out “Happy Birthday” on her bed in Twizzlers… not even Pull & Peels! No wonder he’s a virgin. He’s kinda into her, and would love to take her home to meet his mother, then not have sex with her in the bed he grew up not having sex in. But she’s not into this dude even though he was in the NFL and is very pure of heart, and instead she demands Chris giver her a kiss.

Chris does, but then hops into bed with Blakeley. Which of course Jamie sees, because she’s bunkmates with Blakeley, and Chris is too immature to invite Blakeley back to his room that Jamie doesn’t live in. And it’s her birthday, and she’s in love with stupid Chris for some reason, and so she cries a bunch. He does all this because he thinks it’s important for him “to be in good standing in the house.” Chris is basically like Kasey from last Bachelor Pad: completely misguided and amazingly dumb, except he sleeps with everybody instead of just talking shit behind their backs. Surely this will work out for the best.

Well now that Blakeley thinks Chris likes her even though he hates her and is only banging her for tactical reasons, while Jamie watches, she’s gotta “choose three men to make this day racey.” She goes with Chris for obvious reasons, Ed for no obvious reasons, and Superfan David for the least obvious reasons of them all. That raciness turns out to have nothing to do with making out with Arie, and instead is all about soapbox derby racing. I’m honestly more of a Pushcart Darby fan, which is dominated by a certain driver named Sanka Coffie, before he crashes into a t-shirt stand and someone asks him if he’s dead, mon.

After watching young children expertly demonstrate how to get pulled down a hill, by gravity, our four daters get assigned their own cars to decorate. Chris paints his with “Team Bliss” (Blakeley + Chris… no, it’s not good), even though they’re not on the same team for this, and neither is stern but fair like Miss Bliss. Ed’s going with “In a Pickle,” because he painted his car like a pickle, and he hit his stepdad’s Babe Ruth-autographed baseball over the fence to the yard that The Beast lives in. For a constantly drunk person who seems to care about nothing, Ed is extremely good at theming and painting soap box derby cars. Chris is extremely good at promising that “someone might die” if David wins. Presumably David. Also, David will never win any roses, because Chris is “more powerful than David.” Immature!

Even though he probably would’ve blown a .24 had he been pulled over, Ed wins the race. He proceeds to push that BAC to at least a .4 by drinking nonstop out of his trophy, which is made of a giant, awesome gold cup. With Ed busy getting shithammered, Superfan David and the Chris who wants to murder him take runs at Blakeley for the date-rose. David plays some pretty strong opening moves, working the fact that they’re both outsiders, but he can’t quite close, and Chris of course gets it. I mean, let’s be honest: even if she knew Chris hates her and is only plowing her strippery booty in an attempt to win the cash, she’d still be foolish not to pick him — he’s her partner. So, much like sex with Drunk Ed, this whole thing is totally without climax.

Back at the Pad, everyone hooks up with everyone in the hot tub: Superfan David & Superfan One of the Twins, Stags & Rach, Ed & Jaclyn, proving just how drunk he is, and Ed & Sarah, proving that she’s still on this show. Then the twins yell at each other for literally 11 hours straight somehow. Like, from party time until the sun comes up, at which point they decide to leave the show and go back to being slutty/not slutty. Blah, blah, blah, WHO CARES. The only thing these chicks were good for was staying inside wooden hearts that Chris Harrison periodically tilted forward.

And now it’s time for the part of the episode where people are terrible at plotting. Stags, Chris, Rachel, and Blakeley are all safe. Also, so are all the chicks, because the Twins left and they transparently want to keep the numbers even. So now let’s wait half an hour while all the ladies decide they are in fact going to cut David. Oh but wait! Talon wants to send home Ryan the Virgin, and deftly employs partner/love-bunny-horse Lindzi to plant the seeds of dissent. She hoofs around from girl to girl and proves herself to be remarkably good at convincing people to do shit without seeming like some evil schemer. Like, she’s the only one who’s good at this in the history of the show. Never saw it coming.

She’s got a landslide going until Reid remembers that he hates Ed, and starts organizing chicks himself. Superfan David, congratulations! You’re the next benefactor of foolish plotting and counter-plotting, and will get to stay on this show another week even though nobody likes you! Come on down!! Sarah’s obviously going to vote for not-Ed, because he banged her while saying humorous things about pickles, but wait, no she’s not. Reid tells her that Ed is aligning with Stupid Chris, and so Sarah gets all pissed that she wasn’t in on any of this. So pissed that she tells Ed that she was mad and voted against him…BEFORE THE VOTING IS OVER!!! O. M. G. How. Could. You. Do. That. You. Silly. Person. Why. Did. You. Do. That. This. Is. Definitely. The. Longest. Anyone. Has. Done. This. Stupid. One. Word. Sentence. Thing. In. History. Sorry. About. That.

Reid’s not exposed as being the bespectacled mastermind behind this whole thing just yet, but the plan’s out in the open and Ed is now hellbent on getting rid of virgins at any cost. Looks like it’s all going to come down to Jamie, but she could never vote her own partner out, right? RIGHT? Wrong. She’s wearing some weird leather gloves that kinda make her look like some kind of future-hooker, so she’s liable to just about anything.

Roses. Let’s go. Again, all ladies are safe, as is the man who dances better than any of them (Stags) and the man who is determined to bang them all, just to make sure nobody gets mad at him (Chris). Talon, Reid, Body by Nick (who has given up on even getting dressed up for these things), Tony, come on down! Up next: David! He pulled it off, which is pretty amazing considering everyone hates him.

This leaves Ed and Ryan… who did Jamie vote off?!? Ryan, because his virgin-ness will not allow him to accept terrible lap dances from her. Reid is pissed, mainly because he’s going to be found out, unless Ed gets into Chris’s absinthe closet and loses interest/the power of speech. Ryan is also pissed, saying “as a 32 year old virgin, I’m always looking for love, so I’m certainly disappointed that there was no love AND no money.” Wait, so this guy is actively trying to bang but just can’t get any? After being in the NFL? So confused. Whatever, he was more boring than that scene in Airplane 2 in which they didn’t make a pun. Next week, get ready for some obstacle courses and Ed v. Reid showdowns, which will hopefully be attended by Ed Reed, who is definitely not a virgin.

This is not the aforementioned scene

Airplane!

Airplane II: The Sequel
Starring Hays, Hagerty, Bridges, and William Shatner
Directed by Ken Finkleman
Year: 1982
IMDB / Wikipedia

To be funny often times means being topical. When theJim Abrahams and the Zucker brothers made the original Airplane! in 1980 they certainly did it at the right time. They saw the disaster movies made about airplanes and commercial airlines in the past few years, most notably Airport 1975, and decided that this was a topic they could twist and make funny juice come forth.

Now, don’t be fooled by the spoof movies you may have seen in the last 10-15 years. The Scary Movie, Date Movie, and Meet the Spartans all got their insipration (and sometimes their crew) from these movies. It can be said that these Airplane movies are the birth of the modern cinematic spoof.

But the comedy was topical at the time. Many of the gags and references made in both films are very dated when seen now and younger audiences may miss some of the truly funny parts. Thankfully, the filmmakers (perhaps) thought of this and made other funny references and pratfalls to appeal to a wider-range of audience. I think that’s why these movies are truly funny: they are timeless in their own way. That’s why nobody really remembers the Folger’s coffee ad references but everyone remembers Leslie Nielsen asking not to be referred to by a woman’s name.

The first movie was a classic, but the second movie received mixed reviews and rightfully so. It treads the line of being as funny as the original and another pointless sequel cash-grab. On the surface, the sequel is essentially the same story as the first movie–crew is incapacitated and an ex-military pilot with a haunted past must take the controls and save the day–and many of the jokes are recycled from the first film.

But this movie, held alone, does a great job spoofing its own unique genre. While the first movie spoofed the airport movies of the 1970s, the sequel spoofed the then-recent onslaught of science fiction movies and television shows by taking shots at everything from Star Wars, Star Trek, Buck Rogers, and Battlestar Galactica. And, true to form, it needed its own special cameo crew to pull it off, anchored by the great William Shatner.

And that’s something that makes these films great: the cameos. If it’s not Robert Stack, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Barbara Billingsley in the first film, it’s Shatner, Chuck Connors, and Sonny Bono in the second. Each of them is used to poke lightly at the fourth-wall and bring their own comedic senses to the screen.

So, while the films may not have the same appeal to the younger crowd (who may need a map to find the jokes) these movies are truly inspirational and truly funny pieces of cinema that can only be imitated, never copied.

Most Valuable Actor: Stephen Stucker as Johnny. The name  may not mean anything but the character was an undeniable comedic force in both films. As Johnny the outrageous balding controller, he provided many memorable quips that provided a nice cut of absurdity amongst all of the straight-men comedians in the film (no pun intended).

Trailer (Airplane!):

Trailer (Airplane II: The Sequel):

I don’t know about you but no matter what your age some of your favorite movies might just come from the time when you were in High School or College. For me that was the 1970s and 1980s.

I have always been a fan of slapstick and silliness and in my book some of the most creative and even hysterical films ever made came out of that era.

Of course there are all of the Mel Brooks films which I have mentioned in previous articles.  I absolutely love Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles, Spaceballs and History of the World Part I.

But I also love others such as Burt Reynolds films like the Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball Run films where Reynolds teamed up with people like Dom DeLouise, Sally Field and Jackie Gleason as well as The End, The Longest Yard and Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.

There were others such as Foul Play with Chevy Chase and Goldie Hawn, Stripes, Caddie Shack and Meatballs with Bill Murray. Then there were was the Pink Panther series with Peter Sellers in the role of Inspector Clouseau, in a great series of comic misadventures.

Then there are the military dark comedies such as Kelly’s Heroes and the movie version of M*A*S*H, Private Benjamin and Catch 22.

I cannot ever forget the Zucker, Abrams, Zucker films, Airplane and Airplane II, the Naked Gun series with Leslie Nielsen and spoofs like Hot Shots and Hot Shots Part Deux. Then of course I cannot leave out films like the Blues Brothers, Ghostbusters, Animal House and English imports like Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Some of favorites include sports comedies such as Major League, Bull Durham, the Longest Yard and Slapshot, and cop comedies such as 48 Hours, and Beverley Hills Cop and then films like Trading Places.

I love these films because I get a laugh out of them and on days like today where I had to undergo more cognitive testing ordered by the Neurologist to see if the Mad Cow is getting me.

So anyway those are some of my favorites and if I took a boit more time I probably could add to these in a big way.

Peace

Padre Steve+