Day 1926

This was our first true empty nest Thanksgiving. It was . . . different. Zach was off to his in-laws, Eric was with his in-laws to be (heck, he’s LIVING there, it’s sort of a command performance), leaving Cindy and I to our own devices all weekend. Well, for Thursday & Friday anyway.

Thanksgiving dinner was a little different for us. We did turkey, but smoked only a breast (well, both breasteses). We did dressing, but cornbread, with apples and cranberries in it. We did green beans too but not the casserole, just steamed beans. The smoked turkey was, as always, excellent. Steamed green beans are very high on my list of favorite veggies and the dressing, while new to us, was really, really good. Even the second & third times.

Of course, all that good eating we did on Thursday was blown right out the window Saturday. THAT’s when the kids came over. Cindy & I partook of a spin class Saturday morning, (first one for me in 5 months!) then got to working on some of our (her) to-do list items. Someplace in there, I snuck a few racks of ribs in the smoker and let them get happy all Saturday afternoon.

Trying to remember what else we had with the ribs. Fresh winter squash (a mix of butter nut and butter cup I call “nutter cup”) – oh yeah! Black beans & rice. Hard to forget that when it took 5 hours of simmering to get the beans tender. Worth the wait though.

All in all, not that bad a meal. Bit of meat, nice complex carbs, some decent veggies. The killer was the pumpkin cheesecake dessert. Granted, it was home made pumpkin stuff, not store bought, and we used 1/3 less fat cream cheese (quick aside – did you know that Philadelphia brand cream cheese was named after Philadelphia NY, NOT the big Philly in Pa???), but still – cheese cake. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Went out deer hunting twice. The deer won. The turkey were apparently aware that their season was over and deer season was in full swing. Saw and/or heard more turkey than deer. Might get out again one more morning this season, but the deer get real skittish late in the season and are nearly 100% nocturnal. You almost have to step on them to get them to move. It’s almost like you only see the dumb ones late in the season. Not sure they taste any worse, but what if the dumb is contagious?

Things on the drinking front have been well, slow. Bottle of vodka appears then evaporates over 2 weeks or so.
Box of wine also sloooooowly disappears. I’m sitting in my “pretending to not notice” mode again. When it gets bad enough, I’ll play my “I feel xxx” card again and pop her little bubble of denial. Again. Or, I’ll just ignore it and let it blow up.

At counseling tonight, I made two points about Cindy’s methods of trying to exert control. #1 – Thursday I was presented a list of things to do (chores) for the weekend. Items were tagged with B’s, C’s or both – indicating who was to be doing what. This list was created and presented with no input from me, no inquiring as to MY intentions for the weekend. I pointed out to Cindy that that is a controlling tactic. Cindy disagreed, Janine (the counselor) kinda had to agree that it was an attempt at control. #2 – withholding information. One of my per peeves – I ask a question that has a yes or no answer. What I get is all sorts of reasons why something can’t be done, why it isn’t liked, why it’s a pain in the ass. But I don’t get an answer. So we called a little bullshit on that tactic tonight too.

My last little point tonight surrounded an Al Anon gathering I wanted to have at the house. The last meeting before summer, all the GR’s meet at someone’s house for a picnic and a quick business meeting. Takes 2 – 3 hours tops. I asked Cindy about my hosting it this past June, asked if she was comfortable with it, told her she was invited, could have dinner with us, and I gave her over a months notice. She was uncomfortable with it, felt it was forcing her out of the house, didn’t want a bunch of people she didn’t know at the house, would rather I hosted something we could do as a couple.

My counter? What about the candle parties, Lia Sophia parties, Tupperware, Mary Kay events, what about all the times you invite a shitload of women I don’t know over for some party? I get “I’m having a party for xyz on such and such a date, do what you want that day”. My choice is stay and enjoy the estrofest (Riiiiight) or look at it as an opportunity and go golfing. But do I get a say in whether or not I’m comfortable with a whole boatload of people I don’t really know hanging out at my house for something that is decidedly NOT a couples thing? No.

What’s the difference? To me there IS no difference in the events. To Janine, they are also on par with each other. To Cindy, my hosting an Al Anon gathering is allowing a bunch of strangers into her house (that I remodeled with my own two hands) for a non-couples event, which is COMPLETELY different from HER hosting an event inviting a bunch of people I don’t know into MY house for some lame ass party I want nothing to do with. She just expects me to deal with it. (Yeah, I know. It’s different sides of the same coin.)

Bottom line? Fuck that noise. With Janine’s support, Cindy relented. But she had to try and play the guilt card. Three times. Janine and I both called her on that, all three times. When I ask a question, provide an answer. Yes or no. Red or green. If you really don’t have an answer, say so but promise to resolve the issue in a reasonable amount of time. And handing me a to do list with out ever asking for my input IS a control tactic. I will spit that bit every time.

Gah, it’s late, I gotta run.

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WAIMEA’S 49TH CHRISTMAS TWILIGHT PARADE AND LOKAHI DAY IN-GATHERING:  ‘ALOHA KALIKIMAKA O WAIMEA:  SHARING OUR BLESSINGS!

50 minus 1 = Gratitude!

( Traffic Advisory:  Waimea Town Road Closure 6-7 p.m., Sat., Dec. 5, 2009)

This, in a nutshell, is the theme of the 49^th Annual Waimea Christmas Parade at 6 p.m., Sat., Dec. 5, 2009. Formally themed “Aloha Kalikimaka O Waimea: Sharing Our Blessings!”, it will indeed be a time to express gratitude for being part of an island community that cares and shares — generously.

Waimea’s “caring and sharing” town-wide celebration will begin early on parade day with two farmers markets that spotlight the edible bounty of North Hawai’i, and will end with free late-evening state-of-the-art star-gazing.  Sandwiched in between will be exceptional free island entertainment including two award winning halau and the likes of Kunia Galdeira and Lorna Lim, plus dozens of arts and crafts vendors, delicious foods, visits and photos with Santa and much more.

But the foundation is gratitude and everyone is encouraged to participate in the day-long Lokahi Giving in-gathering from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. at Waimea Center near KTA and the cowboy statue.  VIP guest Manolo Morales from KHON-TV2 will co-emcee with Waimea’s own Penny Keli’i Vredenburg during a full day of entertainment, and, as important, the 3^rd year of accepting new, unwrapped gifts for the Lokahi Giving Project.

Created in 1985 by Leslie Wilcox and Mariellen Jones, the Lokahi Giving Project reaches out to help those not eligible for other assistance.  All items collected on Hawai’i Island stay on island and dozens of local charities, social services and churches help recommend recipients.  If you know of an individual or family in need, please call Leona Martin (887-0541) or Gina Lu’uloa (756-3008).  Also, if you know of a group willing to adopted one or several individuals or families, please call Gina.

Recommended Lokahi donations are mostly essentials though include treats especially for children.  A flyer of suggested gifts is posted on bulletin boards throughout Waimea.  It’s also available online at www.WaimeaCommunityAssociation.org.  Look for the button at the top of the Home Page that reads: Waimea Christmas Twilight Parade.

WAIMEA TOWN LOKAHI DAY FESTIVITIES:  Sat., Dec. 5, 2009:

WAIMEA HAWAIIAN HOMESTEADERS FARMERS MARKET – ‘FIRST SATURDAY’ CELEBRATION:  7 a.m. – Noon.  What’s new?  $5 gift certificates – perfect for holiday and everyday gift giving because they can be redeemed at any booth. They may be purchased at the Honopua Farm or Tepa’s Farm tents from Roen and Joey.  Also, don’t miss superb Christmas wreaths, baked goodies, jams and other holiday gift ideas.

WAIMEA TOWN MARKET AT PARKER SCHOOL:  8 a.m. – 1 p.m. featuring fresh produce, baked breads, spa gifts, arts, crafts and fresh hot coffee, breakfast and lunch items.  There will be special activities throughout the day and the market will move “up front” of the school come 3 p.m.  Info: Betsy Sanderson (938-2897).

FOOD COLLECTION FOR WAIMEA PANTRIES:  8 a.m. – 2 p.m.

Foodland at Parker Ranch Center for Annunciation’s Food Pantry.

• KTA SuperStores/Waimea Center for New Hope Fellowship Food Pantry.
• Waimea Center at the Lokahi In-Gathering near the cowboy statue (10-4)
• Parker Ranch Store for The Food Basket during store hours.

LOKAHI IN-GATHERING & ‘UPCOUNTRY CHRISTMAS FAIR’ AT WAIMEA CENTER:  10 a.m. – 4 p.m.  40 Big Island artists and craft vendors and Lokahi gift collection plus co-emcees Manolo Morales and Penny Keli’i Vredenburg with the Beamer-Solomon Halau O Po`ohala at 10 a.m.; Esther Zamora at 11 a.m.; Kunia Galdeira at 12:30 p.m.; Ka Malie at 2 p.m. and Kevin Haleamau & Friends at 3 p.m.  Also from 10-3: Keiki Kraft Korner and Christmas Wreath Contest Entries on display and from 11:30 a.m. – 1:30 p.m. visit with Santa!

PARKER RANCH CENTER:  More than 20 Hawai’i arts and crafts vendors Dec. 5-6, 12-13 & 19-20.  Santa and Mrs. Claus will visit with keiki and take photos after the parade from 7:30-8:30 p.m.  Santa will return to the Fireside Food Court from noon to 3 p.m. Sun., Dec. 6 and also on Dec.12 & 19.  A free photo with Santa will be offered with mahalo donations accepted to benefit North Hawaii Hospice and Waimea Lions Club for their volunteer kokua.  Also, on parade day at 1 p.m., Hoku-award winning recording artist Lorna Lim will perform at Parker Ranch Store, and staring at 3 p.m., free flashing light Santa Hats with any $10 or more purchase.

WAIMEA CHRISTMAS ‘CRAFTY HANDS & GIFTS TOO!’ CRAFT FAIR:  10 a.m. – 4 p.m.  Thelma Parker Memorial Gym.  Waimea’s biggest indoor craft show featuring many local artisans and delicious food vendors.  Free with door prizes throughout the day.  Look for keiki crafts booth where children can make and take a Christmas centerpiece for their family.  Face painting, too.  Info: Benita Salazar (960-9944).

HALAU HULA KA NO’EAU PRESENTS ‘A CHRISTMAS CALABASH’:  2 p.m.  Kahilu Theater.   Join this halau’s haumana as they share an adventure in hula of “Na Menehune & Rainforest Fairies,” travel around the world, and revive holiday favorites by the entire halau.  There is a charge.  Info: 885-6868.

KEIKI PHOTOS WITH CHRISTMAS PONY AT FIREHOUSE GALLERY:  2-4 p.m.  It’s free but a donation is suggested and volunteers will be on hand to take pictures for those without their own camera.

PARKER SCHOOL’s ANNUAL GINGERBREAD BAZAAR & NARRATOR STATION:  3-7 p.m. on the front porch and lawn of historic Barbara Hall. Students will be selling hot-off-the-grill Big Island grass-fed beef hamburgers, spam musubi, popcorn, gingerbread and also poinsettias and Maren Oom and students will narrate. Info:  Emily Pagliaro (885-7933 Ext. 110).

WAIMEA COMMUNITY EDUCATION NARRATOR STATION:  Community Education volunteers and Waimea Middle School students will be selling hot beverages, snacks and light sticks before and throughout the parade and will serve as narrators.

HPA ‘OHANA’S NARRATOR STATION ON BANK OF HAWAII LANAI:  Students and family will be selling hot cocoa and snacks and serving as narrators.

ANNUAL WINTER STAR GAZING PARTY AFTER THE PARADE AT CANADA-FRANCE-HAWAII

TELESCOPE:  7-10 p.m. on the front lawn.  CFHT staff, along with members of the West Hawai’i Amateur Astronomy Club, will set up telescopes.  If inclement weather, the large conference room and remote observing room will be open for watching live scientific observations being conducted at the summit as well as past observations.  Free coffee, cocoa and cookies.   Everyone welcome – regardless of the weather!  Info:  Mary Beth (885-3131 or 885-7944).

IMPORTANT WAIMEA CHRISTMAS TWILIGHT PARADE NOTES:

TRAFFIC ADVISORY:  Mamalahoa Highway will be closed from 6-7 p.m. Sat., Dec. 5, 2009, from historic Church Row Park to Lindsey Road intersection, then turning right (north) onto Lindsey Road past Parker School to Waimea Park.  Only emergency vehicles will be allowed thru during the parade.  Please plan ahead and anticipate delays.

SPECTATOR SAFETY:  Spectators are asked to stay on the curb during the parade both to stay out of the path of large vehicles and because emergency vehicles may need to pass by quickly!   Please keep a close eye on keiki especially when floats/trucks are nearby.  Parade entries are asked to refrain from throwing candy.  This is for the safety of spectators, especially children.  Parade units may have volunteers walk along the edge of the roadway handing out goodies.  Please kokua!

NARRATOR STATIONS:  There will be seven along the parade route including W.M. Keck Observatory, Historic Spencer House, Burger King, Waimea Community Education, Bank of Hawaii’s front lanai near the main Lindsey-Mamalahoa Highway intersection, Shell Gas Station Parking Lot facing Lindsey Road and Parker School’s historic Barbara Hall lanai.

LIGHTED TRUCK BRIGAGE:  Waimea’s parade is famous for its lighted brigade of trucks and this year is no exception, says Sonny Miranda, who reports that truckers from all over the Big Island plan to show off their community spirit and generosity.  Truckers are asked not to blow their horns until after passing the hospital and spectators who find the horn blowing a challenge might consider finding a spot near Keck’s narrator station across from the hospital to enjoy the parade.

PARADE PARKING:  Please do not park on the lawns or landscaped areas at North Hawai’i Community Hospital or landscaped areas at the shopping centers to avoid damaging plants and irrigation.  There will be special parking provided parade day and evening on the soccer field adjacent to Waimea Civic Center – look for signage.

KEEPING WAIMEA GREEN & BEAUTIFUL:  Spectators are urged to please pick up their trash after the parade!  Please also refrain for pitching tents on private property along the parade route.

PARADE SPONSORS & EVENT PARTNERS:  Waimea Community Association, Waimea truckers, Waimea Instant Printing, Around The Clock, North Hawai’i Community Hospital, W.M. Keck Observatory, Canada-France-Hawai’i Telescope, West Hawai’i County Band, Waimea Middle School, HPA ‘Ohana Association, Parker School, Waimea Community Education, American Savings Bank, Nona’z Volleyball, HFS Federal Credit Union, Bank of Hawaii, Parker Ranch Center, Parker Ranch Store, Hawai’i Johns, Waimea Outdoor Circle, South Kohala Police and County of Hawai’i Department of Parks & Recreation.  Also, Annunciation Catholic Church, St. James Episcopal Church, New Hope Christian Fellowship, Imiola Congregational Church and Mana Christian ‘Ohana.  A very special thanks to North Hawai’i Rotary for providing essential liability insurance, Puna Plantation Hawai’i, Ltd./KTA SuperStores and Waimea Center for underwriting all parade expenses, and KHON-TV and the Lokahi Giving Project volunteers for their collaboration.

INFORMATION & PARADE APPLICATIONS:  There’s still time to participate in the parade.  For parade rules and an application, go to www.WaimeaCommunityAssociation.org and click on the parade link at the top of the Home Page, or call Parade Co-Chairs: Lani Olsen-Chong (936-0670) and Kalae Kawamura (936-4376).  Or call Patti Cook (937-2833).

OTHER COMING NORTH HAWAI’I EVENTS:

ANNUAL PARKER RANCH TREE LIGHTING:  5-7 p.m., Fri., Dec. 4, 2009.  Puuopelu Historic Homes.  Everyone invited for hot chocolate and cookies and to enjoy the world-famous HPA Handbell Choir at 5:30 p.m., the Parker School Chorus at 5:50 p.m., and the Waimea Community Chorus led by Barbara Kopra at 6 p.m.  A welcome by Parker Ranch Trustees and Board members will precede the lighting of the giant Cook Pine about 6:15 p.m.  Free and everyone encouraged to bring canned or other non-perishable goods to contribute to the goal of gathering in 500 pounds for the Food Basket.  (This is a stand-alone event – North Hawai’i Hospice’s Light Up A Life gathering is the following weekend.)

FESTIVE FRIDAYS IN HAWI:  4:30-7 p.m., Fridays throughout December at The Living Arts Gallery, a cooperative featuring fine art by local artists.  Dec. 4: Slack key guitar and cello with Richard Russell (Ricardo) and Nelson Denman and classic and new age piano by Bonnie Bowen;  Dec. 11: Joey Bradley with original ‘ukulele and vocals.  Dec. 18:  Harpsichord by Karen Miller and cello and guitar with Nelson Denman.  Located on the main road in Hawi.  Info: 889-0739.

‘FUR BALL’ FUNDRAISER:  5-9 p.m., Fri., Dec. 4, 2009.  Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel.  Benefitting the Rainbow Friends Animal Sanctuary.  Will begin with a Christmas Market that is open to the public free of charge and will include a doggie fashion show, Christmas music and no host bar along with dozens of vendors.  Then, from 7 p.m. in the Grand Ballroom will be dinner and dancing with a buffet and entertainment until 11 p.m.  Door prizes and silent auction, too.  Info: Fur Ball Hotline: 333-6299.

9^th ANNUAL HOKU CONCERT SERIES STARRING TONY NOMINEE:  Fri., Dec. 4, 2009.  At a private estate overlooking the Kona Coast.  Miss Joohee Choi, a Tony Nominee, will present “I Have Dreamed” concert.  Info: 322-1648 or go to www.apachawaii.org.

DEC. 17 DEADLINE TO PURCHASE CHRISTMAS IMU FUNDRAISER TICKETS:  To support Waimea Middle School’s 8^th Grade East Coast Educational Trip in May 2010, the families of the travelers will again host this now annual tradition.  Bring pans of food to campus between 4-6 p.m., Fri., Dec. 18, 2009 for pickup between 8 and 10 a.m. the next morning, Sat., Dec. 19.  Pans will be hot so bring a box or hotpads/towels.  $20 donation per pan of food.  Foods must be thawed, seasoned and double wrapped in a foil pan with heavy strength foil.  Ideally food is first wrapped in ti-leaves or parchment so not touching the foil.  Tickets available from student “Trippers” and families, teacher-advisor Eunice_Lazarus@notes.k12.hi.us, or Patti Cook (937-2833).  No walk-ins.

2^nd ANNUAL HOKU KIDS CONCERT:  Sat., Dec. 5, 2009.  At a private estate overlooking the Kona Coast.  Exclusively for children accompanied by parents.  Info: 322-1648 or go to www.apachawaii.org.

21^st ANNUAL CHRISTMAS AT KONA VILLAGE:  5:30-8 p.m., Sat., Dec. 5, 2009.  The Big Island’s premier holiday extravaganza presented by the American Culinary Federation (ACF) Kona Kohala Chefs Association.  Tantalizing cuisine prepared by over 20 top Hawai‘i chefs under the stars with island music and a live auction of exclusive, private dinner parties and receptions expertly hosted by local chefs.  Sponsored by HFM Foodservice.  Tickets $90 and complete tables available at Kailua Candy Company (329-2522), Clark Realty/Kona, Kona Wine Market and Kona Village Resort.

WAIKOLOA HOLIDAY CARDS CLASS:  1- 3 p.m., Sun., Dec. 6, 2009.  Community Room in Waikoloa Village near Golf Course.  Paper artists Vivian Green to share four different cards.  Cost $4 per class for materials.  Please call to register: 883-2804 or e-mail VivianMarita@hotmail.com to ensure adequate supply of materials.  Please bring a glue stick, pencil and scissors.

ANNUAL HPA HOLIDAY CONCERT:  4 p.m., Sun., Dec. 6, 2009.  Davies Chapel.  More than 50 students in the orchestra, guitar class and choir will perform under the direction of Dr. Madeline Schatz and Marina Tichotsky.  Holiday music as well as favorites from the theatre and classics.  The orchestra will play the Hallelujah Chorus from Messiah and the “Overture from the Barber of Seville.”  Free and everyone invited.  Info: 881-4099.

KAWAIHAE LOCAL RESOURCE COUNCIL (KLRC) MONTHLY MEETING: 2-4 p.m., Sun., Dec. 6, 2009. Old Hamakua MacNut Factory, 61-3251 Maluokalani Street. Info: Sara Peck 329-2861. Everyone welcome

DECEMBER DISCOUNTS FOR COMMUNITY ED CLASSES:  Take a class at the regular fee and bring a friend for 50% off from Waimea Community Education.  You decide who gets the discount, or split it between yourselves.  Discount applies to all classes that meet at least minimum enrollment except Adult CPR/First Aid.  Info or to refer friend (885-1539).   Payments must be made in advance. www.waimeaeducation.com.

AL ANON MEETINGS IN NORTH HAWAI’I:  A long established source of support for anyone struggling with the effects of a loved ones’ substance abuse.  Groups are confidential and free (except for a small donation to keep the group going).  More info:  http://www.afghawaii.org.

• North Kohala Family Group: Mondays 7 – 8 p.m.- Kohala Family Center, Hawi
• Waimea Family Group:  Tuesdays, 5:30-6:30 p.m. – Tutu’s House.
• Puako Family Group: Tuesdays, 7 – 8 p.m.- Holualoa UCC.
• Waimea Family Group: Thursdays 7 – 8p.m. – First Baptist Church.
• Waikoloa Family Group:  Fridays 7:30 – 8:30 p.m. – Waikoloa Community Church.

WAIMEA HAWAIIAN CIVIC CLUB MONTHLY MEEING:  6:30 p.m., Mon., Dec. 7, 2009.  Imiola Church Hall.  Info:  Newly elected President Mabel Tolentino.

SOUTH KOHALA TRAFFIC SAFETY COMMITTEE MONTHLY MEETING:  4 p.m., Tues., Dec.  8, 2009.  Waimea Civic Center near the Courts and Police Station.  All welcome to attend.  Info:  Chair Mike Price email:  whao@hawaii.rr.com.

SADDLE ROAD PUBLIC HEARINGS & PUBLIC COMMENT SOUGHT:  The public is invited to view displays including maps, hear a brief presentation on the project’s history, characteristics of the proposed highway, findings of environmental studies and the project’s completion schedule, and then offer testimony and ask questions regarding realignment of proposed Saddle Road improvements from Mamalahoa Highway (190) east to Milepost 41 on Saddle Road, primarily thru the Ke’amuku track – to be relocated to the southern boundary. Hearings:

• 5-9 p.m., Wed., Dec. 9, 2009 – Aunty Sally’s Luau Hale in Hilo
• 3:30-7 p.m., Thurs., Dec. 10 – NELHA’s Gateway Center.

Written comments must be submitted no later than Jan. 7, 2010 to Ken Tatsuguchi, State Department of Transportation, 869 Punchbowl Room 301, Honolulu, HI 96813 or emailed to: Ken.Tatsuguchi@Hawaii.gov.  Project maps are available at both the Hilo and Kona libraries.  More info:  Dina Lau (808) 587-6307.

16^TH ANNUAL FESTIVAL OF CHARITY TREES:  Begins Wed., Dec. 9, 2009 and runs thru the holidays.  Mauna Lani Bay Hotel and Bungalows showcases trees created by local not-for-profits to raise awareness of the group’s mission and also raise charitable funds.  Everyone invited to view and vote for their favorite tree at $1 donation per vote.  Winners announced Dec. 22.  Cash prizes awarded by the resort for trees receiving the most votes.  Info:  Ranie Fukumoto (881-7002) or rfukumoto@maunalani.com or go to www.maunalani.com.

WAIMEA’S ANNUAL ‘LIGHT UP A LIFE’ CELEBRATION & TREE LIGHTING:  6 p.m., Thurs., Dec. 10, 2009.  Back at Parker Square!  A lovely, thoughtful tribute to loved ones past and present.  Music, light treats and many community friends.  Not to be missed.  Ornaments to decorate the tree will go on sale in Waimea the weekend after Thanksgiving.  All to support North Hawai’i Hospice.   Info: 885-7547.

3^RD WINTER ‘EAT, DANCE & ENJOY!’ BENEFIT FOR HAWAI’I SUSTAINABILE EDUCATION INITIATIVE (HSEI):  6 p.m., Thurs., Dec. 10, 2009.  Honoka’a People’s Theatre.  Prepare to be impressed by the multi-media pieces created by students under the guidance of local artists Sally Lundburg, Vikki Catellacci and Winter Anderson.  Art pieces available on a limited basis, including some ceramic Christmas ornaments.  Dance to live music by NONAMI; indulge in organic cuisine and desserts for sale; participate in the silent auction.  Also, Friendly Aquaponics, a local organic farm, will host an information exhibit.  Tickets $12 in advance at Hamakua Health Foods, Hula Moon Boutique, and from any of HSEI students and parents. $15 at the door, if any left.  Proceeds underwrite tuition assistance for the school. Contributions for silent auction welcome. Info: Koh Ming Wei (443-9231) or email: kohmingwei@gmail.com.

WAIMEA COMMUNITY CHORUS HOLIDAY CONCERTS:  Fri.-Sun., Dec. 11-13, 2009.  Parker School Theatre.  7:30 p.m. Fri. & Sat.; 3 p.m. Sunday matinee.  Under the direction of Barbara Kopra with Everett Knowles on piano and additional classical instrumentalists, “Carols Olde and New” will feature traditional and classical selections sung by 50 choral members with the centerpiece being an innovative cantata juxtaposing masterworks by Bizet, Chopin, Debussey and Handel with familiar favorites.  Also will include carols from Africa, Catalonia, Haiti and Puerto Rico.  Tickets available from chorus members, at Waimea General Store and at the door:  Advance tickets $10/Adults – $12 at the door: $8/Seniors & Students – $10 at the door; $6/Children 10 and under – $8 at the door.  Info. 885-5525 or 883-2526.

‘TIS THE SEASON’ GALA HOLIDAY CONCERT & AUDIENCE SING-ALONG BENEFITTING HAWAII PERFORMING ARTS FESTIVAL:  Fri., Dec. 11, 2009.  Four Seasons Resort at Hualalai Ballroom.  Doors open 6:30; concert at 7 p.m.  Sponsored by Monks Delight Kona Coffee, Four Seasons Resort and Tiffany & Company.  Includes Iggy Jang, Charles Michael Brotman, Val Underwood and special guest 9-year-old Elliot Reddekopp of Paauilo.  Tickets $40 each; $75 for two.  Go to www.hawaiiperformingartsfestival.org.

MALA’AI SCHOOL GARDEN WORK & LEARN DAY:  9 a.m. to noon, Sat., Dec. 12, 2009.  Community members, students, teachers, staff and families are invited.  Work will focus on tucking the garden in for winter and wheelbarrow repair.  A pot luck lunch will follow and chilled lemongrass tea will be provided made from herbs grown by students in the garden.  If the weather is inclement, please call ahead to confirm that the work day is being held.
Info: Garden Leader Amanda Rieux (640-3637).

GRANT WRITING WORKSHOP – NHERC NON-CREDIT CLASS:  9 a.m. – 3 p.m., Sat., Dec. 12, 2009.  KTA/Waimea Center – second floor conference room – behind McDonalds.  Instructor Jeani Navarro.  More info and to register:  775-8890.  There is a modest charge.  Many other courses also available – for credit, plus academic support, distance learning and proctoring, computer and facility use and video conferencing.

HOLIDAY ORCHID SALE & SHOW:  9 a.m. – 2 p.m., Sat., Dec. 12, 2009.  Waimea Community Center (across from Daniel Thiebaut’s).  Featuring three North Hawaii Orchid Nurseries: OrchidPeople, Kamuela Greenhouse/Speciality Orchids and The Song of Orchids nursery.
Will include Cymbidiums, Miltonias, Paphiopediliums & Intergenerics and information on How to Grow, Care and Feeding, Disease and Pests.  Also, the Honoka’a Quilters will display and sell their hand crafts.  Info: Bob Harris (885-5589).

MAUNA KEA QUILTERS MONTHLY MEETINGS:  9:30 a.m. – Noon, Sat., Dec. 12, 2009 (and 2^nd Saturday of every month).  Thelma Parker Memorial Library Conference Room.  All welcome, both experienced and first-timers to attend gatherings of this group of patchwork quilters – founded in 1997 – and who enjoy sharing their expertise with others.  Groupr makes quilts to support community projects (Mala’ai school garden, Relay for Life) and donated quilts to the police and fire departments and hospital and are making quilted stockings for children in need.  Christmas meeting is potluck and includes food bank collection.  Info: Becky Parkinson (937-2159).

5^th ANNUAL WAIKOLOA VILLAGE CHRISTMAS PARADE & KEIKI FESTIVAL 10 a.m., Sat., Dec. 12, 2009.  From the main intersection along Paniolo Drive to Waikoloa School.  Sponsored by the Waikoloa Lions Club and Waikoloa Village Association.  A wonderful keiki program follows at the school with food booths and crafts.  REMINDER:  Paniolo Road will be closed for the duration of the parade.  Anticipate delays!  Free and everyone invited to participate or attend.  Info:  Sue McCord (989-0215) or email: sue.mccord@gmail.com or Bernadette Seto (557-0102).

KOHALA CULTURAL CENTER CHRISTMAS CRAFT FAIR:  10 a.m., Sat., Dec. 12, 2009.  Everyone invited.

PARKER SCHOOL’S 7^TH ANNUAL FAIRWAYS & FRIENDS GOLF BENEFIT:  Sat., Dec. 12, 2009.  At Hualalai Resort.  12:30 pm shotgun start.  Info or to explore sponsorship, call Jennifer Schack (885-8309) or email jschack@parkerschool.net.

1^ST ANNUAL WELLNESS WITH ALOHA CULTURAL & HEALING FESTIVAL:  9 a.m. – 5 p.m., Sat., Dec. 12, 2009. Waimea Park.  Learn from respected spiritual practitioners who are making themselves available for complimentary personal healing sessions. Live music and hula performances, special teachings by Aunty Aka (who gave President Obama’s post-inaugural blessing) and M. Kalani Souza on the sacred way of living ho’oponopono.  Info: go to www.WellnessWithAloha.com or call David Gaynes (877-433-7222).

NORTH HAWAI’I HOSPICE HOLIDAY HIGH-TEA HONORING COMMUNITY KUPUNA:  2-5 p.m., Sat., Dec. 12, 2009.  At Pu’uopelu.  ”A Kupuna Christmas” will feature Christmas music, champagne and a silent auction featuring 12 beautifully decorated Christmas trees by local artists.  Tickets $100.  For reservations, call Gayle (885-7547).

BIG ISLAND PEN WOMEN TEA:  Sat., Dec. 12, 2009.  Hawaiian Vanilla Co. in Pa’auilo.   2:30 p.m. Registration; 3 p.m. meeting; 3:30 tea service. Women writers invited – carpool suggested.  Meeting includes presentation by State President Joan Gencarelli as well as presentation by the Reddekopp family on their vanilla farm.  $30 includes soup, salad, chef’s “Tower of Delights” and teas.  R.S.V.P. Dec. 4: Cathey Tarleton (883-0669) or email BigIslandPenWomen@gmail.com.

NORTH KOHALA CDP ACTION COMMITTEE MEETINGS:  2^nd Monday of every month at 4:30 p.m. at the Kohala Senior Center, Kapa’au.  (Dec. 14, Jan. 11, Feb. 8, March 8, April 12 and thereafter.)  Entire North Kohala community invited.

SLOW FOOD HAWAII CHRISTMAS POTLUCK:  Noon – 2 p.m., Sun., Dec. 13, 2009.  Anna Ranch Tea Room.  Will celebrate Terra Madre Day (officially Dec. 10) with Ken Love of the Tropical Fruit Growers Assn. talking about food communities in India and Hawai’i.  In addition to a dish or two, participants are asked to bring their own plates, bowls, eating and serving utensils, napkins, glass or cup.  Water, cold herb tea and coffee provided.  Free for members; $15/guests.  Membership $60 at www.slowfoodusa.org.  Info:  Shelby Floyd (351-0723) or email: slowfoodhawaii@gmail.com.

FREE H1N1 (SWINE FLU) CLINIC FOR STUDENTS/FACULTY AT WAIMEA MIDDLE SCHOOL:  Mon., Dec. 14, 2009.

HAWAI’I ISLAND COMMERCIAL HARBORS 2035 MASTER PLAN PLANNING WORKSHOPS FOR KAWAIHAE HARBOR:  Mon., Dec. 14, 2009.  From 1-3 p.m. for Stakeholders and 5:30-7 p.m. for general public.  At Hamakua Macadamia Nut Factory.  Meeting facilitated by SSFM International, Inc. in partnership with port facility planning firm Moffat & Nichol.  Will include presentations on special studies, cargo and passenger forecasts and conceptual alternatives for the harbor in the future.  RSVP please: Luana Kai (808-628-5828) or email lkai@ssfm.com.  Meeting agenda and directions will be provided.  If unable to attend but with to provide iput, sent to SSFM International at 501 Sumner Street, Suite 620, Honolulu, HI 96817.  Special needs will be accommodated.  Contact Dean Watase (808-587-1883) or dean.watase@hwaii.gov 7 days prior to meeting.

DATE CHANGE:  CHRISTMAS IMU TO SUPPORT WAIMEA MIDDLE SCHOOL’S 8^TH GRADE EAST COAST EDUCATIONAL TRIP:  Pans of food may be dropped off between 1-3 p.m., Fri., Dec. 18, 2009, and picked back up between 8-10 a.m., Sat., Dec. 19.  $20 per pan donation.  Foods must be thawed, seasoned and placed in a heavy-duty foil pan, and double-wrapped with heavy-duty foil to seal.  Tickets must be purchased no later than Thurs., Dec. 17 from any of the East Coast Tripper students or family members, or by emailing the project’s teacher-advisor (Eunice_Lazarus@notes.k12.hi.us), stopping by the school office or calling Patti Cook (937-2833).  No walk-ins.

WAIMEA HAWAIIAN HOMESTEAD FARMERS MARKET HOLIDAY NEWS:  $5 gift certificates are now available which can be redeemed at any booth making them perfect gifts for the holidays and every day.  May be purchased at the Honopua Farms and Tepa’s Farm booths from Roen or  Joey.  Also — special Holiday Hours due to Christmas and New Years falling on  Fridays:  The market will be held on Wed., Dec. 23 and Dec. 30 from Noon to 5:30 p.m.  There will be no market on Sat., Dec. 26 and Jan. 2.  Info: Roen Hufford, honopua@msn.com.

MERRY CHRISTMAS – Dec. 25, 2009!

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NEW CELL PHONE RESTRICTION WHILE DRIVING KICKS OFF JANUARY 1, 2010:  It will be illegal to use a cell phone or other mobile electronic device while driving – except with a hands-free mechanism – beginning January 1, 2010.  Hawai’i Police will begin issuing citations as required by the new County Council approved ordinance.  Penalty up to $150 and up to $500 if use of device causes a collision.  Penalties do not apply to emergency responders using a mobile electronic device in the performance of their job, drivers using two-way radios for work-related duties and drivers holding a valid amateur radio operator license issued by the FCC and using half-duplex two-way radio.  The ban includes but is not limited to cell phones, text messaging devices, paging devices, personal digital assistants, laptop computers, video games and digital cameras.  Does not include audio equipment or equipment installed in a vehicle to provide navigation or emergency assistance to the driver.  Also, use of a cell phone to make an emergency 911 call shall be an “affirmative defense.” That means it is not illegal to make a 911 call on a cell phone but a driver who claims to have been doing so might still be cited and have to prove that a legitimate 911 call was made.

(Mahalo!) Patti Cook (937-2833)

The sun rose quickly and bright Thanksgiving Day morning.  But, because the kids were making too much noise, my wife declared at 11:00am that this Thanksgiving day was to be the worst day ever.

They were having a good time and once or twice during their brotherly fighting some fun broke out.  We have ten, eight and five year old boys.  She established the tradition for our young family of cinnamon rolls and Macy’s parade on Thanksgiving morning.  This is what boys on sugar do especially when one gets a bigger cinnamon roll than another.

On Thursday, as the parade wrapped up and they got their glimpse of Santa Claus, we had them get dressed for a brief road trip to my brother’s home in the low country.  With them neatly dressed and hair combed we decided to take a stab at their annual Christmas picture.  Outside on our front lawn in front of the rose bushes, I snapped off about 40 shots of my boys hanging on each other, pulling rabbit ears above with the digital camera and came back inside to see how we did.

Not bad.  There were probably 3 good candidates for the postcard.  I left my laptop running the slide show of pictures as I ran off to take a shower.  As I was rinsing the shampoo out of my hair, I heard my wife come into the bathroom.  The cadence and tone of her voice told me something was wrong.  “Your son was clicking around on your computer and pulled up pictures of wine bottles,” she said dryly.

I paused.  I started to shut off the water.  I thought about running in to the kitchen and shut down the computer.  Then I stopped and started laughing, not out loud though inside I felt like it. I calmly finished my shower.

The wife left the bathroom.  I stepped out to dry off and got dressed to go.  As I stepped into our bedroom, I saw her sitting in the corner chair glaring angrily at me. She was sitting in sweat pants and t-shirt having removed her nice clothes she spent an hour that morning pulling from her closet.

“I have no idea what you were going to do with those pictures.  You told me you didn’t want to see the wine anywhere.  And now your sneaking around taking pictures of it.”

“You’re right.  This is why I go to Al Anon,” I told her.

“Oh, is that what they tell you to do.  Sneak around and take pictures of my drinking.”

“No, that’s not what Al Anon teaches me.  It helps me respond appropriately to your disease and not get angry and resentful when you drink.  It was insane for me to pull empty bottles out of the trash can to take pictures of them.  Since I started working the steps, I haven’t taken any pictures of your wine. The last one I took was probably in August or September.  Now, I’m focused on my own recovery.  And, I’m really sorry he pulled those pictures up.”

I was more ambivalent than sorry in the moment. At some point in working my steps, I had thought I would apologize to my wife for invading her privacy to document her drinking.  I have taken lots of pictures.  My intention in taking pictures of her stash was to use them in the divorce filing to get full custody of the boys.

In finding my way toward recovery, I realize in going through my wife’s closet and snapping pictures of wine and vodka bottles, I violated something within myself more than anything.  She may feel different about it.  It was one thing for which I intend to make amends.

In spite of her earlier protestations, she decided to go with us to my brother’s for Thanksgiving.    I had a good time visiting with my family and didn’t think twice about her reaction to the pictures nor the obvious drinking.  She got drunk. My parents loved visiting with their grandsons.

As we were loading up the car to leave, a small box of her wine tumbled out of the diaper bag she carries her juice in. She didn’t even notice it though I think the boys did.

I felt the anger well up inside.  I started to throw it at her, but refrained.  For the next 20 minutes in the car I stewed about it.  I thought about pulling into the next gas station and tossing it in the trash.

Then I remembered.  Oh, I need to turn this over to my higher power.  I began following my breath and worked on being present.  I stayed with my anger for a period of time and witnessed it melting away.  This Thanksgiving day, I am thankful to God for giving me the peace to handle the moment.  It was far from the worst day ever.  In looking at the smiles on my son’s faces, it was a picture perfect day.

“I need somebody to love,” sang the Beatles, and they got it right. Love and health are intertwined in surprising ways. Humans are wired for connection, and when we cultivate good relationships, the rewards are immense. But we’re not necessarily talking about spine-tingling romance.

10 Benefits of Love.

I woke up this morning so happy to be alive and so grateful that I have been given, through my books and personal interactions at workshops and lectures, millions of opportunities to connect with all of you.  In 1974 when I first entered a 12 Step room in Minneapolis, MN, I was terrified and hopeless.  I couldn’t fathom that I’d ever feel the way all of you looked that night.  The laughter didn’t penetrate, at first.  I was convinced there was nothing to laugh about.  But the message to come back got through to me.  And I have been coming back ever since.  AA and Al-Anon are mainstays for me.  And after all of these years, I still attend 4 or 5 meetings a week.  Surprising?  I love what happens when we gather in those most sacred circles.  And my life is a bit better every time I show up to share my experience, strength and hope.  I know that I can trust my life, my deepest secrets, my heart with you and you can do the same.  When I first came into these rooms I wanted to spread the word of what happens “here” to every one, convinced that the world would shift in a positive way if we all applied these principles.  And actually, I still believe that.  However, I think, now, that we can still help the world shift by being living examples of gratitude on a daily basis.  Before you turn in for the night, tell at least three other people that you are grateful for their presence in your life.  Also, begin a list of the things that happened throughout the day that made you grateful or happy.  Leave it by your bed and read it before you even get out of bed in the morning.  It’s a sure way to see the day ahead with a more positive set of expectations.  Let’s be the change the world is awaiting for.

      Acum câteva zile, alături de câțiva membri Al-Anon și AA, am hotărât să mergem la Roman, impulsionați de dorința de a da și noi un mic ajutor și de a pune în practică pasul 12.

      Am aflat cu bucurie că la Roman, 2 tineri încearcă să pună bazele unui grup Al-Anon și a unui grup AA, convinși fiind că sunt mulți oameni a căror viață s-ar putea schimba în bine dacă ar beneficia de instrumentele programului.

     Am luat cu noi materiale informative și drumul Iași – Roman l-am parcurs discutând tot despre viața codependenților și alcoolicilor, așa cum o înțelege fiecare dintre noi, după luni sau ani de participare la grup.

     La Roman ne-au întâmpinat cu emoție și căldură cei 5 proaspeți membri ai ambelor grupuri. După obișnuitele prezentări și amabilități am hotărât ca e mai bine să ne separăm și să discutăm problematica fiecărui grup în parte. Ca întotdeauna la întâlnirile noastre de grup, atunci când sunt membrii noi, seniorii aleg sa facă una-două mărturii în care povestesc pe scurt cum era viața lor înainte și cum s-a schimbat ea odată cu venirea la grup. Aici, noi cei de la Iași am făcut același lucru, insistând asupra schimbărilor pe care le-am produs asupra noastră, schimbări care ne-au readus liniștea sufletească, înțelegerea și seninătatea de care avem nevoie pentru a ne continua viața în condiții de normalitate.

     Nu era poate ceea ce noii membri își doreau să audă… fiecare dintre noi când a venit la grup era hotărât să caute soluții pentru a-l ajuta pe alcoolicul din viața lui, și aceeași atitudine am simțit-o și aici: “Nu cred ca eu am vreo problemă, el, alcoolicul e problema mea, el mă face să fiu tristă, nervoasă, irascibilă, mânioasă, din cauza lui am ajuns să nu mă mai recunosc”. Da, e posibil sa fie așa, dar asta s-a întâmplat și pentru că am permis noi să se întâmple…pentru că în final, fiecare este responsabil 100% de ceea ce simte, spune sau gândește. Apoi, odată ce am ajuns în acest punct al vieții noastre în care simțim că nu mai putem continua, e limpede că a venit vremea să ne concentrăm asupra noastră și să ne acordăm șansa de a trai și o altfel de viață, fără durere, fără încrâncenare.

     E timpul să renunțăm la tot ce am făcut până atunci (care nu numai că nu a funcționat, dar ne-a umplut de frustrări și disperare) și să încercăm ceva nou. Ceva nou, dar ce? Cine dintre noi, cei care am făcut aproape imposibilul pentru a ne fi și a le fi mai bine (alcoolicilor noștri), mai crede că mai există ceva care ne-ar putea ajuta să ne recăpătăm încrederea, optimismul, bucuria de a trai?!…

     Și totuși, venind la întâlnirile de grup, detașându-ne de alcoolic și de ce tot ce face sau nu face el, urmând pașii programului, citind literatura propusă de Al-Anon, concentrându-ne, poate pentru prima dată în viață doar asupra noastră, cei mai mulți dintre noi am reușit sa ne recâștigăm controlul asupra propriei persoane.

        Acesta a fost mesajul pe care am încercat să-l transmitem noilor membrii din grupul de la Roman și chiar dacă nu a fost chiar speranța pe care au așteptat-o, credem că le-am sădit măcar sămânța ce în timp va rodi în sufletele lor. La un moment dat, cineva cu lacrimi în ochi, ne-a spus că ceea ce îi transmitem noi o face să se descurajeze și mai tare și am înțeles foarte bine ce a vrut să spună, pentru că nimic din mesajul nostru nu făcea referire la alcoolic, nu oferea speranțe că el se va opri cumva din băut.

      Și în ochii aceia plini de lacrimi, în vocea tremurândă, am văzut o părticică din acel suflet îndurerat, un suflet cum era și al meu acum câteva luni, un suflet străpuns de mii de ace de gheață, gânduri, emoții, speranțe, trăiri, toate înghețate. Viața alături de un alcoolic ne face să ne înghețăm până și propriile emoții, pentru că nu mai avem timp de ele, toată ființa noastră se axează pe el, cel care bea și suferă, în același timp.

         În timp, toate cele ale noastre, pe care le înghețăm, ajung sa ne străpungă sufletul și să trăim cu o durere mereu vie și din ce în ce mai pătrunzătoare. Când învățăm, însă, să ne detașăm de o boală pe care nu noi am provocat-o și nu noi o vom vindeca, când începem să ne redescoperim pe noi, vom simți treptat cum acele ace de gheață se topesc, rănile se vindecă și sufletul nostru redevine cald și luminos.

        Am dorit însa să le transmitem noilor membri și faptul că prin tot ceea ce facem pentru noi, le oferim o speranță și celor apropiați, care sunt alcoolici: le transmitem mesajul că viața poate fi și altfel, că există o speranță ca ei să poată reveni la o viață normală, fără băutură, că noi cunoaștem oameni care au reușit, că există programe și suport pe care ei le pot accesa gratuit.

      Ne dorim ca grupul de la Roman să crească și să fie un sprijin pentru cei care își doresc să găsească izbăvire de orice formă de dependență și codependență.

Cu gânduri calde,

Romina

25 noiembrie 2009

If you are struggling with the acceptance of a higher power in your life, then that’s OK.  I’ve been there as well.   So have many others.

For me it’s been the struggle between the ego self established by my brain and that of a wholistic self.  Syd articulates well how we can get lost being attached to our ego self.

As I’ve struggled with gaining a more wholistic sense of self, I have encountered some intriguing questions that have helped shaped my path.

Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way asks some good questions for those of us wrestling with Step Two in the Al Anon program.  I don’t necessarily agree that we owe some tribute to this higher power, but the questions are important in the asking.

It’s my experience that we’re much more afraid that there might be a God than we are that there might not be.

If God-by which I do not necessarily mean a single pointed Christian concept but an all-powerful and all-knowing force-does not exist, well then, we’re all of the hook, aren’t we.  There’s no divine retribution, no divine consolation. And if the whole experience stinks – ah well.  What did you expect?

If there is no God, or if that God is disinterested in our puny little affairs, then everything can roll along as always and we can feel quite justified in declaring certain things impossible, other things unfair.  If God, or the lack of God, is responsible for the state of the world, then we can easily wax cynical and resign ourselves to apathy.  What’s the use?  Why try changing anything?….

If we do, in fact, have to deal with a force beyond ourselves that involves itself in our lives, then we may have to move into action on those previously impossible dreams.

This blog post isn’t about whether or not there is a creator God.  Evolutionary biologists like David Sloan Wilson have alot to say about group selection that seems compelling to that question.

However, this blog post is about my own discovery process.  The understanding I have in the moment is a reflection that the existence of a higher power is necessary for me to achieve a sense of happiness, peace, and be respectful and loving to others.

I agree with what I have heard from others when they say “I don’t need a God to be nice to my neighbor.” I don’t.  If being nice to your neighbor was the full extent of enlightenment, then I’m almost there.  For me, I need a God to help me figure things out.

As I have explored my own problems and those of my marriage, I realized my brain cannot be trusted alone to provide the right response and guide my choices in a way consistent with my own understanding of an integrated self.  I have to reach for another source of energy and comprehension to sustain these goals and maintain my self worth.

There’s this analogy from this Audio Dharma podcast. If a fly buzzes around and lands on an ant, this fly is a big nuisance to the ant. It dominates his point of view.   But if the same fly buzzes around an elephant, the elephant hardly notices.

Until I began walking the Al Anon walk, my life was that of the ant.  I viewed my wife’s alcoholism like the giant fly buzzing around my head.  I couldn’t get past to focus on anything but her drinking and coniving.  I am just beginning this journey.  As I look ahead, I can see that I can look ahead.  My horizon is expanding.  Yet my wife still drinks.

As Gil Fronsdal explains in the podcast, the Dharma suggests we have the option of living like the elephant, and not like the ant.   So too it is with Al Anon, by working the 12 Steps, I am told I can learn to live in peace and happiness with or without my alcoholic wife.

“Hey Jude, don’t be afraid.” A few lines of that old Beatles tune has been running through my head lately, but in a little different fashion than usual. “Hey Jude, don’t be afraid. You have found Him, now go and get Him. The minute you let him under your skin, then you can begin, to make it better.” The “Him” I am referring to is my Higher Power.

I remember a time, not to long ago, when I thought my life was in shambles. My husband was a drunk, my children were good kids, but they couldn’t do anything for themselves despite the fact that they were old enough to do so, and I had 30 years of marriage under my belt and I wanted out. O-U-T…. out! My father, who lives with me, couldn’t do anything for himself and he did absolutely nothing except make my life more burdensome than it already was. He was messy and didn’t clean up after himself. My lawn was meticulously kept by him, but I’d find tools out in the yard and go into a screaming fit about the condition of the yard…or the house…or the car. I had lost all self-respect but I hadn’t realized it. I was blaming someone else for controlling my life when in fact it was me that was doing or attempting to do all the controlling. I attempted to control who went where, what everyone should do, how they should do it and in what time frame it should be accomplished. I was exhausted. It’s a tough job controlling everybody’s life when you can’t even control your own.

I had gone to several Al-Anon meetings while my husband was still drinking and they “weren’t for me.” They were nothing more than a quilting circle without the quilt. I wanted to bash the reputation of the alcoholic in my life but I couldn’t. Nobody at the meeting was bashing the alcoholic in their life and frankly, it just plain pissed me off. I stopped going. I wanted some judgement to come down from some place and smash the alcoholic in the face but it just wasn’t happening in my eyes. He continued to drink, I continued to point out all his bad habits, he continued to pass out and black out, and I continued to fume and steam. Let me tell you… that worked real well for me…. NOT.

Then it happened. The awful thing that I had dreaded for so long. Oh my God, HE QUIT DRINKING! That’s right. He stopped. He went to AA and worked the 12 steps of recovery and starting talking about a spiritual awakening and how he didn’t want to be a drunk even when he was drinking. He started talking smack about how when he left the house he didn’t want to drink but found that he could not stop himself from doing so no matter what he tried. I wasn’t having it. He had stopped drinking for AA and not for me? Well, that just didn’t settle right with me. He should have been able to stop drinking because he loved me but he couldn’t. To hell with him. Almost 31 years of marriage and I was ready and willing to toss it out the window now that he had stopped drinking. I kept telling myself I could no longer live on the hopes and dreams that he would remain sober “this time.” I couldn’t do that to myself…. no I WOULD NOT do that to myself ever again.

Yes, he still lived at the house only because my father kept telling me, “there is good in him.” Pfffttt. My husband began to change. Slowly I saw things in him that I hadn’t seen in years. I saw hope. HOPE, what a huge word. He told me that he “hoped” he’d never drink again but this time he made no promises. I think had he made a “promise” he would have been gone out of my life forever because I had had too many promises broken and had already shed way to many tears. I began to see the recovery from alcoholism in his life. He was attending AA meetings, reading, working the steps, doing all those things and the more he grew into a spiritual awakening, the more I grew into a vile and hateful wench. My life was out of control and I didn’t understand it. He had stopped drinking, wasn’t that the reason for all of my problems?

Begrudgingly, I went to some AA functions with him. I think originally I went just to be spiteful. I met some wives and husbands of alcoholics and I saw that they were happy. Happy? How could that be for goodness sake, they married to drunkards! Didn’t they understand the seriousness of the situation? They began talking to me about Al-Anon and how the program had changed their lives. I relayed the story of my Al-Anon experience and told them flat-out that I was not going to be a grinning quilting idiot like the Al-Anon people I had met. They explained to me that some (not most) Al-Anon groups can be “dysfunctional” and that I needed to find an Al-Anon program that wasn’t. I needed to find a meeting where I fit. Hmmm. Fine, I’ll go to one more meeting in attempt to get in a good swing at the alcoholic but that was it. They directed me to a few meetings. I went. Maybe this time I went with an open mind, maybe the meeting I attended was different from the others, but I felt “at home.” I was welcomed, understood, wasn’t pushed to speak, wasn’t hushed, wasn’t controlled or manipulated. They let me be me and understood as no others could, exactly where I was coming from. At the end of the meeting a woman came up to me and said simply, “Give us 6 meetings. If after those 6 meetings you find that we are not for you, we will gladly return your misery.”

I went back, and back, and back… and have been going to Al-Anon for 1 year now. I have found that Al-Anon is for ME whether or not the alcoholic in my life is drinking or not. Al-Anon focuses on me and how alcohol has changed my life. My story is no different from most people who have been affected by alcohol. We build walls, we judge, we keep the family secret, we hurt but look happy and functional. I am rebuilding my life and my relationships. I have damaged my children by the way *I* acted and if I don’t stop the cycle, my children will damage their future because they will behave exactly as I have behaved.

Al-Anon makes me stop and think about me. The focus is not on the alcoholic. I didn’t get it at first, but now the reality of a program that is all mine is near and dear to my heart. I willingly go to 3 meetings a week in addition to going to an AA meeting. I go to the Al-Anon meetings for the fellowship and the common thread we share. I go to the AA meeting because I needed to hear from other alcoholics because frankly, I didn’t believe anything my husband said. In the AA meetings, I hear the same things my husband has been trying to tell me about his inability to stop drinking despite the fact that he was ashamed, humiliated and didn’t want to be a drunk. I needed to hear that, not everyone does, but I did.

I now have a sponsor and have worked the 12 steps of Al-Anon but via the “Big Book.” I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, I was insane (my behavior proved that) and I needed a Power greater than myself to see me through the rest of my life. Do I struggle? Of course I do, I am human, but I have more “tools” that are available to me to help me through my fear and trepidation. I am less angry with myself, my children, and my alcoholic. I choose to be happy rather than to be right.

I hope that this piece of me has helped in at least a small way. I wish I had the answers to all of your questions but I do not. I do know that the answers are within you, you just have to open up to yourself and let those answers out. I encourage you to go to Al-Anon meetings…find one where you fit…and give it 6 chances.

“Am admis că eram neputincioşi în faţa alcoolului şi că nu mai suntem stăpâni pe viaţa noastră.” 

Mulţi dintre noi vin la Al-Anon plini de disperare. Unii dintre noi vin pentru a afla cum să îl faci pe cineva abstinent; alţii au crescut în familii de alcoolici sau şi-au părăsit partenerii alcoolici şi nu mai locuiesc alături de un alcoolic activ. Poate că nu ne dăm seama de impactul pe care îl are viaţa alături de un alcoolic până nu începem să acceptam că există greutăţi “familiare” în viaţa şi relaţiile noastre actuale. Mulţi dintre noi nu ar fi deschis voluntar uşile Al-Anon-ului dacă nu ar fi fost într-un fel de criză sau durere care ne-a forţat să căutăm ajutor. Deşi, poate, nu ne-am gândit la asta, venim la Al-Anon pentru că vieţile noastre au devenit de necontrolat şi căutăm să ne eliberăm.

            Primul cuvânt din cei 12 Paşi ilustrează un concept important în recuperarea în Al-Anon: nu suntem singuri! Ne dăm seama de asta chiar din primele întâlniri. Aşa cum spune mesajul de bun-venit (sugerat pentru Al-Anon), ‘noi, cei care trăim sau am trăit cu problema alcoolismului, înţelegem aşa cum puţini o fac. Şi noi eram singuri şi frustraţi, dar în Al-Anon descoperim că nici o situaţie nu este complet lipsită de speranţă şi că e posibil şi pentru noi să găsim mulţumire şi chiar fericire, indiferent dacă alcoolicul bea sau nu.” Doar auzirea acestor cuvinte poate să ne ajute simţim că şi pentru noi există speranţă.

            Odată ce recunoaştem că băutul cuiva ne-a afectat viaţa, s-ar putea să vrem să dăm vina pe băut pentru orice. Suntem siguri că trebuie să fie ceva mai mult de spus sau de făcut pentru a-l convinge pe alcoolic să înceteze băutul, aceasta rezolvându-ne problemele. Habar nu avem că suntem la fel de neputincioşi în faţa alcoolului ca şi alcoolicul însuşi.

            Neînţelegând că alcoolismul este o boală, mulţi dintre noi am încercat să luăm situaţia în mâinile noastre. Poate că am aruncat băutura la chiuvetă, am inventat tot felul de scuze,  am rugat, am protejat sau pedepsit alcoolicul. Poate ne-am ascuns sentimentele, ne-am izolat şi am evitat orice contact cu alcoolicul, gândindu-ne că problemele noastre vor dispărea. Poate că am preluat proiectele neterminate ale alcoolicului, am răspuns la telefoane în locul lui sau i-am acoperit greşelile. Însă, indiferent  de ce am făcut, vieţile noastre nu s-au îmbunătăţit şi alcoolicul nu s-a schimbat.

            Pentru a face Pasul Unu şi a ne recunoaşte neputinţa, trebuie să înţelegem şi să acceptăm mai întâi alcoolismul ca şi boală. Medicii sunt de acord că alcoolismul este o boală progresivă care poate fi stopată, dar nu vindecată – e o boală cronică. Una dintre simptome este dorinţa necontrolabilă de a bea; atât timp cât alcoolicul va continua să bea, această dorinţa va continua să crească. Unii alcoolici încearcă să îşi convingă familia că sunt consumatori sociali, bând doar la sfârşit de săptămână sau abţinându-se o perioadă de timp. Dar compulsia (n.tr. repetarea necontrolată a unei acţiuni) de a bea reapare, de obicei. Singura cale de a stopa boala este abstinenţa totală. Mulţi alcoolici se tratează cu succes prin diferite metode. Programul Alcoolicilor Anonimi (AA) este privit, în general, ca fiind cel mai eficient. Experienţa noastră arată că nu putem obliga pe nimeni să se oprească din băut. Aceasta este o alegere individuala a alcoolicului.

            Alcoolismul este o boală de familie. Asta înseamnă că “…alcoolismul unui membru al familiei afectează întreaga familie şi toţi devin bolnavi. De ce se întâmplă aşa? Pentru că, spre deosebire de diabet, alcoolismul nu există doar în corpul bolnavului, ci este , în acelaşi timp, o boală a relaţiilor. Multe dintre simptomele alcoolismului se regăsesc în comportamentul acestuia. Cei care au de-a face cu un alcoolic reacţionează la aceste comportamente. Încearcă să îl controleze, să îl mascheze sau să îl ascundă. Adesea, se auto-învinovăţesc pentru asta şi se simt răniţi. În cele din urmă, ei înşişi vor avea tulburări emoţionale.” (din Alateen – Speranţă pentru Copiii Alcoolicilor, pag. 6).

            În Al-Anon se vorbeşte despre acei “C.T.C.” care descrie neputinţa noastră asupra alcoolismului: noi nu am cauzat boala, nu o putem trata şi nu o putem controla. Începem să învăţăm ideea de bază în Al-Anon, şi anume cea de a lua accentul de pe alcoolic şi de a ne concentra asupra a nouă înşine. Chiar dacă e greu să ne uităm la rolul nostru în problemele pe care le avem, acceptarea Pasului Unu ne va elibera de responsabilităţi imposibile. Încercam să “reparăm” o boală şi încă una a altcuiva!

            Pentru a regăsi pacea şi seninătatea în viaţa noastră, trebuie să ne schimbăm – un gând provocator şi, poate, şi înfricoşător. S-ar putea să trebuiască să re-învăţăm să avem grijă de noi înşine. Atunci când ne concentrăm asupra alcoolismului şi comportamentului altei persoane, mulţi dintre noi ajungem să punem pe prim plan nevoile acestei persoane. S-ar putea să suferim de stimă de sine scăzută şi să nu credem că merităm să ne acordăm puţin timp doar pentru noi. Însă, indiferent dacă ne vedem ca buni sau răi, alcoolismul tot ne va înfrânge. În Al-Anon vom găsi sprijin.

            Ne poate fi foarte greu să ne recunoaştem neputinţa. Până la urmă, noi suntem cei competenţi care am ţinut laolaltă familia, serviciul şi lumea întreagă, în timp ce alcoolicul de lângă noi crea haos. Cum adică, tot noi, cei responsabili, suntem neputincioşi? În Al-Anon învăţăm că vieţile noastre pot fi de necontrolat tocmai pentru că încercăm să controlăm oameni şi situaţii din viaţa noastră. E greu de acceptat că toate eforturile noastre – bine intenţionate, de altfel – au putut fi o parte din problemă, dar, pe când ajungem la Al-Anon, suntem în sfârşit gata să încercăm ceva – orice – nou. Trebuie să recunoaştem că nimic din ce am făcut sau nu am făcut nu a  putut controla băutul altei persoane. Cum putem să ajutăm un alcoolic? În Al-Anon învăţăm să acceptăm lucrurile pe care nu le putem schimba (alcoolicul) şi să schimbăm ceea ce putem (pe noi înşine). Pentru a ne recupera din această boală trebuie să învăţăm să menţinem accentul pe noi înşine. 

            Uitându-ne înapoi în viaţa noastră, ni se cere să ne recunoaştem neputinţa în faţa alcoolului, asupra alcoolicului şi a fiecărei persoane sau eveniment pe care am crezut că îl putem controla prin voinţa noastră. Prin renunţarea la iluzia că avem control asupra altor oameni, a acţiunilor lor şi a dependenţei ori faţă de alcool, simţim că o imensă greutate ne-a fost ridicată de pe umeri şi începem să descoperim libertatea şi puterea pe care o avem – puterea de a decide şi de a ne trăi propriile vieţi. Lipsa controlului se micşorează. Începem să vedem drumul spre recuperarea noastră.

            In Al-Anon descoperim principii care funcţionează şi pentru noi şi care ne ajută să relaţionăm cu ceilalţi. Al-Anon ne învaţă  noi căi de a avea relaţii sănătoase în toate domeniile vieţii noastre. Pasul Unu ne aduce aminte de relaţia cea mai potrivită pe care o putem avea cu ceilalţi – totala lipsă de putere asupra lor. Asta ne pune în postura corectă faţă de noi înşine – atunci când încercăm să îi controlăm pe ceilalţi ne pierdem capacitatea de a ne controla propriile vieţi. Pasul Unu este adevăratul început de drum în recuperarea noastră.

Membrii îşi împărtăşesc Experienţa, Puterea şi Speranţa

• Am acceptat adevărul…

Am admis că viaţa mea devenise de necontrolat, dar mult timp nu am acceptat ca sunt neputincioasă în faţa alcoolului. Eram sigură că voi reuşi să îl fac pe alcoolic să nu mai bea, spunându-i “dacă m-ai iubi, nu ai mai bea niciodată”. Câteva expresii de genul ăsta mi se păreau foarte normale în acea perioadă. Eram o persoană foarte pretenţioasă. Înainte de Al-Anon nu am ştiut că aceste aşteptări sunt dincolo de posibilităţile alcoolicului de a le realiza. Nu ştiam că alcoolismul este o boală. Mi-a spus că nu îl înţeleg, că nu e aşa de uşor să se oprească din băut, precum credeam eu.

            Câteva întrebări mă “vânau” şi îmi tulburau liniştea. Ce se va întâmpla dacă voi admite că sunt neputincioasă şi voi renunţa să mai controlez situaţia? Va crede că nu îl mai iubesc dacă nu îl voi mai chestiona cu privire la băutul lui? Va crede că nu mă mai interesează ce se întâmplă cu el sau ca m-ar interesa altcineva? Va cheltui mai mulţi bani pe alcool?

            Ce m-a determinat până la urmă să fac Pasul Unu a fost că nu conta ce făceam sau nu făceam. De exemplu, puteam să plâng, să îl rog, să mă înfurii sau orice altceva şi el continua să bea. Treptat totul s-a înrăutăţit. Mi-a luat mult timp să îmi dau seama că nu am nici o putere asupra bolii acesteia. Zilele mele în Al-Anon s-au transformat în săptămâni şi mai apoi în luni. Cu cât ascultam mai mult la întâlniri, cu atât ştiam mai bine că trebuia să “le las şi să îl las pe Dumnezeu”. A trebuit să “trăiesc şi să îl las să trăiască”. În cele din urmă, am lăsat situaţia din mâini şi mi-am acceptat neputinţa.

Mi-am dat seama că, dacă situaţia nu se îmbunătăţea, nu am mai fi putut fi împreună. Era foarte bolnav datorită alcoolismului, atât fizic, cât şi psihic. Am renunţat să mai rog sau să mai controlez şi am lăsat situaţia “de capul ei”. Am acceptat adevărul că nu aveam puterea să îl opresc din băut. Îi mulţumesc lui Dumnezeu şi Al-Anon-ului că am reuşit să fac ce trebuia. Alcoolicul din viaţa mea a mers la un program de consiliere şi este acum membru în Alcoolicii Anonimi; e abstinent de 10 luni – dar au fost 10 luni minunate. Deşi abstinenţa nu e mereu roz, mă bucur că pot acum să fac faţă schimbărilor.”

•  Viaţa mea e exact asta – viaţa mea!

            Pasul Unu a fost cel mai greu de acceptat pentru mine. Neputinţă în faţa alcoolului? A unei halbe de bere? A unei sticle de vodcă? Astea sunt doar obiecte, chestii lipsite de viaţă. Cum ar fi posibil ca eu, o fiinţă umană să fiu neputincioasă în faţă unei sticle de alcool? Cum aş putea să admit că o sticlă a câştigat, că m-a învins din nou şi din nou?

            Era ca şi cum ar fi trebuit să recunosc că sunt neputincioasă în faţa unui balon de săpun. Îmi rănea ego-ul şi era împotriva oricăror convingeri pe care le aveam. Uram alcoolul. El a transformat-o pe mama mea dintr-o femeie drăguţă, raţională într-o nebună care striga şi blestema mereu. Alcoolul l-a făcut pe soţul meu să îşi piardă în şapte ani de cinci ori serviciul şi să aibă două accidente de maşină în doar două luni. Îi uram mirosul, gustul, nici măcar nu suportam să îl văd. Credeam însă că voi reuşi să fiu eu învingătoare, şi nu alcoolul.

Toate astea pânã am citit un pasaj din Fiecare zi la rândul ei în Al-Anon care m-a atins. Acceptarea acestui pas nu înseamnã o slãbiciune de caracter. Înseamnã recunoaşterea cu sinceritate cã existã lucruri pe care nu le putem schimba. Acceptarea cã sunt neputincioasã în faţa alcoolului a însemnat încetarea unei lupte şi eliberarea mea pentru a putea lupta cu lucrurile pe care le pot schimba. A însemnat sã îi spun Puterii mele Superioare cã “nu pot sã fac asta de una singurã; am nevoie de ajutorul Tãu”.

            Citind acest pasaj a fost întrezãrirea luminii. Puteam, în cele din urmã, sã fiu sincerã faţã de mine însãmi. Eram, sunt şi voi fi neputincioasã în faţa alcoolului. Recunoaşterea mi-a ridicat o greutate de pe umeri pentru cã nu mai trebuia sã mã lupt în mod constant. Puteam sã lupt pentru a mã schimba eu şi pentru a-mi elibera mintea de toate acele gânduri ce-mi iroseau energia.

            Înainte de a veni la Al-Anon nu puteam accepta Pasul Unu, însã acum, dupã câţiva ani petrecuţi aici, mi se pare uşor sã îl fac şi sã îl cred. Viaţa mea a devenit de necontrolat. Mulţumitã Al-Anon-ului şi practicând acest Pas din nou şi din nou, viaţa mea este doar atât – viaţa mea – şi asupra ei vreau sã mã concentrez şi sã o trãiesc cât de bine pot.

• ››› Puteam sã vãd rezultatele…

Înainte de Al-Anon nu aş fi acceptat nici o parte a Pasului Unu. Credeam cã sunt bine şi cã totul ar fi perfect dacã aş putea sã îl fac pe alcoolic sã nu mai bea. Dupã ce am început să studiez şi sã lucrez Pasul Unu, mi-a fost mai uşor sã accept prima parte a pasului decât partea a doua.

            Sunt o persoanã orientatã spre vizual. Uitându-mã la Pasul Unu şi la cuvântul “alcool”, mi-am închipuit o sticlã de vodcã. Mai târziu, vizualizam o persoanã bând din sticlã; puteam sã vãd alcoolul “intrând” în corp şi transformându-l în alcoolic. Puteam sã vãd cã sunt neputincios în faţa alcoolicului atunci când bea, dar mi-a luat mult timp sã vãd cã neputinţa mea e valabilã pentru orice moment. Mai târziu, puteam sã vizualizez sticla, persoana care bea din ea şi alcoolul care, de data asta, curgea spre mine, spre membrii familiei mele şi spre colegii de serviciu ai alcoolicului. Vedeam cum înotam cu toţii într-o mare de alcool, apoi cum ieşeam din ea, cum ne scuturam şi aruncam astfel boala şi spre alţi oameni.

            Mi-a luat mult timp sã înţeleg cã, deşi nu eu beam alcoolul, boala putea sã “treacã prin mine” şi sã îi afecteze şi pe ceilalţi. Reacţionam faţã de ceilalţi aşa cum reacţionam faţã de alcoolism. Vedeam cum rolul meu de martir preluase o serie de responsabilitãţi de la ceilalţi. Mi-am dat seama cã viaţa mea devenise de necontrolat pentru cã eram aşa de ocupatã sã am grijã de ceilalţi, astfel încât nu mai aveam timp sã am grijã şi de mine. Pregãteam hainele pentru toţi membrii familiei, dar nu aveam timp sã vãd dacã ţinuta mea era potrivitã. Fãceam programãri la medic şi dentist pentru ceilalţi, dar neglijam complet sãnãtatea mea. Nu mi-am dat seama de toate astea peste noapte, ci cu timpul. În cele din urmã am reuşit sã înţeleg Pasul Unu. Mi-am dat seama cã şi eu sufãr de o boalã, cauzatã de contactul cu toţi alcoolicii din viaţã mea. Azi ştiu cã sunt neputincioasã asupra tuturor substantivelor şi pronumelor din viaţa mea – persoane, locuri, lucruri.

            Prin eliminare mi-am dat seama cã nu sunt neputincioasã asupra mea. Sunt responsabilã pentru mine, şi nu pentru fericirea celorlalţi, aşa cum nici ei nu sunt pentru a mea. Ştiu cã nimeni altcineva nu e responsabil de sentimentele mele. Nimeni nu mã poate face mânios, trist, fericit sau altcumva fãrã ca eu sã le dau permisiunea de a-mi controla emoţiile. Sentimentele îmi aparţin.

            Astãzi înţeleg cã sunt neputincioasã în faţa alcoolului şi cã viaţa mea e de necontrolat. Ştiu cã prin ajutorul Al-Anon-ului şi a Puterii Superioare pe care am ales sã o numesc Dumnezeu ea devine mai uşor de  fãcut faţã.

• ››› „CTC”-ul a schimbat cel mai mult pentru mine…

Când am venit la Al-Anon eram implicatã într-o relaţie specialã cu un bãrbat al cãrui temperament izbucnea neaşteptat şi inadecvat. Mã deranja, mai ales, sã merg cu el cu maşina; dacã cineva nu pornea maşina imediat ce semaforul se fãcea verde sau dacã o altã maşinã ne depãşea, prietenul meu exploda. Iniţial mã simţeam pozitiv faţã de aceste izbucniri pentru cã mã gândeam cã voi fi în stare sã controlez situaţia sau, mãcar, sã îi controlez gravitatea “exploziei”.

            Cineva din Al-Anon mi-a povestit despre „CTC” – nu am cauzat boala, nu o pot trata şi nu o pot controla. Treptat, o nouã perspectivã, atitudine şi comportament au luat locul celor vechi prin care încercam sã preiau o parte din responsabilitãţile prietenului meu. Nu a fost o stare confortabilã cea pe care o aveam atunci când îmi “recitam” în cap cã nu sunt eu vinovatã de ce se întâmplã; era ceva foarte nou. Cu toate astea, eram încã dornicã sã pot controla cea ce se întâmpla. I-am urmãrit comportamentul şi am observat cã lui nu îi pãsa deloc de ieşirile lui şi nici nu a remarcat schimbarea din comportamentul meu.

            Am început sã folosesc CTC-ul în mai multe aspecte ale vieţii mele; uneori era mai greu, alteori mai uşor, dar el îmi dãdea curajul de a-mi examina relaţiile în orice situaţie. Am început sã îmi analizez rolul pe care îl aveam în orice situaţie. Am învãţat sã spun cã mã deranjeazã foarte tare comportamentul lui şi cã putem sã mergem şi cu maşini diferite. De aceea sunt foarte recunoscãtoare multor instrumente din Al-Anon.

Cum să lucrezi Pasul Unu?

“Am admis că suntem neputincioşi în faţa alcoolului şi că vieţile noastre au devenit de necontrolat.”

Fiecare dintre noi este liber să îşi găsească rezolvarea la probleme, folosindu-se de experienţa, puterea şi speranţa a celor care au fost înaintea noastră. Următoarele întrebări pentru studiu individual sau de grup pot să te ajute să faci Pasul Unu. Pe parcurs ce vei face fiecare pas, aminteşte-ţi să apreciezi efortul pe care îl depui pentru asta. Sună un prieten sau naşul tău şi împărtăşeşte-ţi şi cu ei succesul.

• › Accept faptul că nu pot controla băutul altei persoane? Sau comportamentul ei?
• › Cum recunosc că alcoolicul este un individ cu obiceiuri, caracteristici şi moduri de a reacţiona la ce se întâmplă şi care sunt diferite de ale mele?
• › Accept că alcoolismul este o boală? În ce fel schimbă asta modul meu de a mă purta cu alcoolicul?
• › Cum am încercat să îi schimb pe ceilalţi oameni din viaţa mea? Care au fost consecinţele?
• › Cum mă simt atunci când alcoolicul refuză să facă sau să fie ceea ce vreau eu? Cum reacţionez la asta?
• › Ce s-ar întâmpla dacă aş înceta să îl schimb pe alcoolic sau pe oricine altcineva?
• › Cum aş putea renunţa la problemele celorlalţi în loc să încerc să le rezolv?
• › Încerc să găsesc o rezolvare rapidă la problemele mele? Există vreuna?
• › În ce situaţii mă simt extrem de responsabil pentru ceilalţi? În ce situaţii mă simt ruşinat sau jenat de comportamentul altcuiva?
• › Ce m-a adus la Al-Anon? Ce mă aşteptam să obţin atunci? Cum s-au schimbat aşteptările mele?
• › Cine s-a arătat îngrijorat de comportamentul meu? De sănătatea mea? De copiii mei?
• › Cum îmi dau seama atunci când viaţa mea e de necontrolat?
• › Cum anume am căutat să obţin aprobarea şi confirmarea de la ceilalţi?
• › Spun “da” atunci când vreau să spun “nu”? ce se întâmplă cu abilitatea mea de a-mi controla viaţa atunci când fac asta?
• › Îmi e uşor să am grijă de ceilalţi, dar îmi e greu să am grijă de mine însămi?
• › Cum mă simt atunci când viaţa merge…bine? Continui să anticipez problemele? Mă simt mai “vie” în timpul unei crize?
• › Cât de bine am grijă de mine?
• › Cum mă simt atunci când sunt singur/ă?
• › Care e diferenţa între dragoste şi milă?
• › Mă simt atras/ă de alcoolici sau alţi oameni car par să aibă nevoie de mine pentru a-i “repara”? Cum am încercat să fac asta?
• › Am încredere în sentimentele mele? Îmi cunosc sentimentele?

ZIDUL

de Gloria Jay Evans

Traducere de Ioana Ciobanu

Nu știu când am început să construiesc zidul. Cred că s-a întâmplat atunci când mi-am dat seama că astfel puteam să-i țin pe oameni la distanță. Zidul urma să fie un fel de graniță – un fel de protecție.

La început, micul zid era numai până la genunchi. Era chiar frumușel, construit din pietrele pe care le găsisem în viața mea. Zidul era atât de mic încât unii oameni nici nu îl observau, se împiedicau de el și cădeau cu fața la pământ. Alții îl vedeau, dar treceau peste el și veneau foarte aproape de mine. Acest lucru mi s-a părut foarte inconfortabil, așa că am mai înălțat zidul.

Acum era mult mai bine, dar, am descoperit că unii oameni veneau și își sprijineau brațele pe zid în timp ce stăteau de vorbă cu mine. Unii stăteau prea mult. Alții nu erau “genul” meu. Chiar și atunci când am pus pietre ascuțite pe marginea zidului, oamenii ăștia păreau că nu observă.
Într-o zi, unul din ei a sărit peste zid și a venit înăuntru. Asta m-a înfuriat și am decis să înalț zidul și mai mult. Pe măsură ce mi-am continuat construcția, am devenit din ce în ce mai independentă și, în curând, nimeni nu mai putea vedea înauntru, dar nici în afară…

Dar, atunci mi-am dat seama că nimeni nu se mai oprise să-mi vorbească de ceva timp. Unii treceau pe lângă mine și păreau că nu mă observă nici pe mine, nici zidul meu. Alții stăteau și se uitau triști la mine, cum îmi construiam zidul. M-am gândit că erau geloși pe zidul meu și i-am detestat – pe toți…

Unele dintre pietre îmi erau atât de dragi încât le lustruiam cu grijă, de câteva ori pe zi.

Într-o zi, mi-am dat seama că zidul era atât de înalt încât nu mai vedeam pe nimeni trecând și nici nu mai auzeam pe nimeni. Am strigat: “E cineva acolo?”. Nu am primit niciun răspuns. Era întuneric și aerul era îmbâcsit. Am stat acolo mult timp. Era liniște, întuneric și pustiu. Se auzeau doar șoaptele propriilor amintiri…

Într-o bună zi, cineva mi-a strigat de afară: “Zidul tău e urât. E strâmb, gri și diform!”. Acum, nu am acceptat asta de bună voie. Îmi plăcea zidul meu. Unele dintre pietrele pe care le folosisem la construcție îmi erau atât de dragi…

În ziua în care o floare mi-a căzut la picioare am început să plâng, am alergat la zid și m-am cățărat pe el, să văd cine o aruncase. Dar, până am ajuns în vârf, nu mai era nimeni acolo. M-am întors la floare și am stat acolo mult timp, uitându-mă la imperfecțiunile ei. Râuri de lacrimi m-au adus pe genunchi. “Sunt atât de singură. Zidul meu este prea înalt, prea gros și prea urât… Nu mi-a mai rămas nimic. Poate să mă ajute cineva…vă rog?”

Atunci s-a întâmplat un lucru ciudat. Ceva s-a mișcat în mine, ca o memorie a unor vremuri pline de pace. Și, în nemișcarea lumii mele sfărâmate, am știut…Dumnezeu era acolo, o prezență binecuvântată. Am știut că Dumnezeu venise la mine, că întunericul meu fusese străpuns de lumina binecuvântată… Simțeam bucuria acestei prezențe. Știam că Dumnezeu mă privise în timp ce îmi construiam zidul și că așteptase răbdător să-mi dau seama cât era de inutil.

În sfârșit, mi-a trecut prin minte că Divinul Creator știa de ce zidul meu era atât de urât. Atunci când L-am întrebat, Dumnezeu a început să mă învețe despre… greșelile mele. Dumnezeu a început să le dea pietrelor un nume: “Piatra asta este gelozia. Trebuie să o îndepărtezi!”.

Câteodată… protestam. Era piatra mea preferată, pe care am păstrat-o și am iubit-o atâția ani. Atunci când am fost gata, Dumnezeu m-a ajutat să îndepărtez piatra… (Și așa au continuat lucrurile, cu pietrele numite “invidie”, “deziluzii”, “resentimente”, “naivitate”, “încăpățânare”, unele fiind îndepărtate cu ajutorul lui Dumnezeu, altele cu ajutorul unor străini…)

Pe măsură ce îndepărtam mai multe pietre, lumina pătrundea înauntru. Într-o zi am simțit o mână care pătrunsese printr-o deschizătură mică.

Într-o zi un străin a intrat înauntru și mi-a spus că el Îl lăsase pe Dumnezeu să-i dărâme zidul. I-am povestit cât de mult suferisem și că nu voi uita niciodată cât de părăsită și de singură mă simțisem înconjurată de zidul meu. “Da,” mi-a spus el, “autocompătimirea este un lucru îngrozitor.” Când a plecat, mi-am cautat piatra autocompătimirii în zid. Era udă de la lacrimile mele. Am șters-o și am pus-o laolaltă cu celelalte pietre pe care le îndepărtasem din zid.

Copleșită de tot ceea ce Dumnezeu făcuse pentru mine și de tot ceea ce El mă învățase, m-am așezat pe o piatră mare care îmi rămăsese și am început să le povestesc tuturor care treceau pe acolo despre ce făcuse Dumnezeu pentru mine. Am fost îngrozită să descopăr că nimeni nu părea să audă ce spuneam… Am văzut cum alți oameni lucrau la construirea propriilor ziduri și am alergat la ei, rugindu-i să se oprească, dar nimeni nu mă asculta.

Frustrată, mi-am lipit fața de piatra pe care fusesem așezată. Era foarte mare și foarte atent lustruită… Dumnezeu m-a întrebat: “Deci, vrei răspunsul la întrebarea ta? Ridică-ți fața și uită-te la piatra pe care stai.”. Mi-am ridicat capul și am tresărit când mi-am văzut reflecția în piatra masivă. Am văzut că piatra era “mândria”. Am îndepărtat-o în tăcere.

Apoi, Dumnezeu a spus un lucru ciudat. “Acum trebuie să pleci. Voi merge cu tine și voi sta și aici, în același timp”. Am început să protestez: “Mai sunt și alte pietre de îndepărtat. Vreau să fii aici!”.

“Am spus că voi merge cu tine. Îți amintești de floarea care ți-a căzut la picioare, de mâna care ți s-a întins, de străinul care ți-a arătat autocompătimirea?” “Da”, am oftat, “da, îmi amintesc”.

“Atunci trebuie să pleci și să faci și tu la fel. De la cel căruia i s-a dăruit mult, se așteaptă să dăruiască mult. Oriunde mergi, voi merge cu tine. Și, oricând te vei întoarce aici din pricina ispitelor, sau ca să mai îndepărtezi pietre, voi fi aici pentru tine.”

Am plecat. Am văzut zidurile altora și, atunci când am putut, am aruncat o floare peste ele sau mi-am băgat mâna prin vreo deschizătură. Zidurile erau incredibil de urâte. Am auzit suspine adânci de dincolo de ziduri și inima m-a durut. “Nu vrei să-l ajuți și pe omul ăsta?”, I-am strigat lui Dumnezeu într-o zi.

M-am întors la zidul meu și prezența binecuvântată a lui Dumnezeu era acolo. Împreună, am îndepărtat pietrele “frica”, “neîncredere” și “indiferența”.

Apoi, Dumnezeu a spus “Acum începi să înțelegi iubirea. Fără iubire, lucrurile pe care ți le-am spus nu ar avea nici un sens. Vei începe să trăiești în pace și înțelegându-i pe toți acei oameni din jurul tău despre care credeai că nu sunt tău.”

Așa am continuat, încercând să ajut – uneori doar așteptând lângă un zid, uneori aruncând o floare, alteori apucând o mână.

Preluat de aici.

Am I just doomed to be around dysfunctional addicts all my life? No. I want to be around, to love people who question the “functional” world we live in, but are willing to create new ways to be functional in a dysfunctional world. I want to be around creative, courageous people how are willing to face their overwhelming feelings, not always dealing with the perfectly, but having the courage to face them, not run from them.

- journal entry from September 10, 2003

Clarity in Chaos

I’m always a little shocked how insightful I was early in my waking up, how little my desires have changed in the past 6 years. My memory of that time period was that I was completely confused and lost. I don’t remember having any capacity to know what my feelings or desires were, much less any ability to express them with clarity in the first 20 pages of ever keeping a journal in my life. I remember fumbling through work with my first therapist, catching a glimmer even then that I needed more space in my workaholic life and more attention to my disordered eating patterns. Yet I remember resisting even the smallest changes, like taking a full year to put pen to paper after my therapist gave me a journal. I don’t remember anything resembling the clarity I obviously had. Confirmation of clarity only comes when we have some hindsight that yes, even 6 years later this is still what I want.
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Picture credit: Graffiti Research Lab

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This is absolutely nuts but I have noticed how gratitude for my wife’s alcoholism is leaking into my conscious state of being.  Had this crisis not affected my life, I never would have recognized my own quest for perfection and how this has shaped my journey.

Unfortunately, my perfectionism presents itself in many forms, the most debilitating symptom has been procrastination and indecision.  Neither my house, my office or any other aspect of my life is neat and clean.  In fact, its quite disorganized.  I keep alot of old journal articles, magazines and newspapers because I want to post a blog on them….someday.  I also have alot of data DVDs with pdf docs saved on them because you never know if they will disappear off of the host site servers.

Another way my perfectionism presents itself is in my relationships with myself and others.  At work (when I was employed) I accepted every task and assignment and volunteered to be on every work group.  I tried to respond to every email with the perfect words in response.

Yet as much as I aspired to do this, I couldn’t pull it off.  My inbox grew to exceed over 800 unread emails.  I was number 2 in the company for clogged space on the outlook server. (The number 1 person was certified nuts.)  I developed a reputation for not being responsive – though I sought to respond to everything.  Key projects which should have taken 6 weeks took 4 months because I insisted on the perfect design.  So not only was I blocking my own development and progress, I was also a hurdle for others.

A lecturer at a local church talked about this sort of expectation for perfection as original sin.

If you’ve grown up in the Christian faith tradition, you know the story.  Eve talks to the snake.  The snake convinces Eve she would be as smart as God if she bit fruit off of the tree of knowledge.  Eve talks to Adam.  He bites.  And they lose their home while all of humanity for the ages carries this stain.

People in the Christian tradition are baptized with water to wash away this original sin and are welcomed into the family of believers.  Of course, most Christians have rejected the concept that babies are born with sin and see the story of The Garden of Eden as metaphoric.

While there are many interpretations on the story, the lecturer I listened to had a rather compelling take on this first sin.  She asks the question what if the first sin was in the metaphorical act itself carried out by Adam and Eve – the hubris of belief that we human beings can be all-knowing, perfect like the creator.   To paraphrase her, if you understand that God never intended any of us to be perfect, then why should you harbor this expectation for yourself or others.

So why do I continue to take a bite out of that poisonous apple.  This irrational belief that I have to be the perfect husband, father, son, brother, employee etc has driven me to insanity.

So, today I am feeling the stress of the job hunt.  I have a decision to make.  I am coping with the stress by worrying about the consequences.  I have spent several hours ruminating about the mistakes I made in the past in making this type of decision and I am no better off or closer to making a decision.

When I became aware of this pattern, I turned to read the reflection from today’s Al Anon Courage to Change:

Let me make this day a celebration of the spirit. There is a part of me that retains a childlike sense of curiosity, wonder, enthusiasm, and delight. I may have lost touch with it, but I know it still exists. I will set my problems to the side for a little while and appreciate what it means to be vitally alive.

I can’t make a good decision through rumination and fear.  But I can when I am engaged with my sense of self and pursue it with a sense of curiosity and enthusiasm.  This might be the best decision I have ever made for myself.  This is what it means to be alive – taking chances for a better life.

And, today I am grateful for Al Anon and the opportunity to feel alive through its lessons – a path toward cultivating my own garden and making it as perfect as I am capable.

Hi, my name is……and I’m a recovering perfectionist.