Alfa Romeo has teamed with fashion specialists Italia Independent to create a special edition Brera.

On the outside, it gets a titanium paint shade, 18″ turbine style wheels, red-brake calipers and an aluminum fuel cap.

The inside gets some changes as well. There are carbon fibre bits everywhere, along with black leather and red stitching, as well as some Italia Independent logos.

As for the underpinnings, the car is available with either a 2.2L four-cylinder engine developing 185hp or a 3.2L V6 putting out 260hp. You can choose between FWD and AWD as well.

Only 900 units will be made, and they will be sold in Europe, Japan and Australia.  Pricing starts at about 41,000 USD for the 2.2 and 57,000 USD for the 3.2.

This looks interesting, but I’m not too sure about that paintjob, looks a bit odd on the pictures.

Source: Autoblog

So then, you voted for Car of the Year awards, and we’re organizing them. There will be quite a few crummy prestigious awards: Worst Car of the Year, Tuned Car of the Year, Family Car of the Year, Cheap Car of the Year, Executive Car of the Year, Supercar of the Year, and of course, an overall winner, the Car of the Year. This has to excel in as many areas as possible. A car has to have been released, put on sale, or updated during 2009 to be eligible for any of the awards. We will release nominees 2 categories at a time, with the exception of The Car of the Year, which will get it’s own post after all the others are posted. So then, here are the nominees for the first two categories, Worst Car of the Year and Tuned Car of the Year.

Worst Car of the Year

Now this is one of my favourites and quite important – it’s the WORST car of the year. Yes, we save you the pain of searching through 2009’s pile of misery as we nominate those cars so awful they’d make you think the ZAZ 968 was a brilliant machine.

Scion xB Release Series 7.0: A dull box with a bodykit taped on and then painted in the most hideous shade of paint we’ve ever seen

Citroen C3 Pluriel Charleston: As if the C3 Pluriel wasn’t embarrassing enough, this one tries to be a 2cv. That’s like saying “I’m awful but I will try to be even worse!”

BMW X6M: A hideous and pointless disgrace to the M division

DC Designs Tata Nano: What they’ve done here is take a cheap, slow, ugly car, and glue on a plastic bodykit.

Tuned Car of the Year

Trying to improve a car is a disease which some of us have. We look for the men who did their job the best in 2009 trying to bring us the best Tuned Car of the Year.

9ff BT-2: A deadly GT2, but with added deadliness, and an awesome Gulf livery so you can go through the pearly gates in style.

Autodelta Alfa Romeo Brera S: The Brera looks beautiful, but always needed a bit more power, and this car fixes that.

MTM RS6 R: A sensible, German, family estate…with 730hp and 785nm of torque. A car good enough to scare your wife to death on a track day but take you comfortably to work every day is worthy of our call.

9ff GT9-R: A last minute entry in our nominations award, again from Porsche fanatics 9ff. These guys really know what they’re doing and now they managed to extract a truly massive 1120 bhp! The result is that this power monster will hit 414 kph.

That’s it for this time. More will be released later. Feel free to express your opinions on who should win each category and why. You may also suggest that certain cars aren’t eligible and we will look into it.

Alfa Romeo has unveiled its successor to the 147. As I posted earlier, the name was under dispute, but they’ve settled on calling it the Giulietta.

It will released in 2010 as part of Alfa’s celebrations of their 100th anniversary. Company bosses believe it come become Alfa’s best-selling car ever.

The car will be made as a five-door only. The rear door handles have been cleverly disguised (See if you can spot them).

The suspension is MacPherson struts up front and a new multi-link design at the rear.

There will be three different designs of 16, 17 and 18-inch wheels: Thick-spoke, multi-spoke and Alfa’s “telephone dial” design.

Engines on offer include a 120hp 1.4L gasoline and a 170hp 2.0L diesel. All engines will be turbocharged and have four-cylinder. There will later be a 230hp Cloverleaf model, which I’m definitely looking forward to. All cars will be front wheel drive, and will come with either a five or six-speed manual gearbox. Autocar mentions nothing about an automatic, but I presume one will be available. Not that I’d want one. Fiat is working on a semi-auto twin-clutch alternative to add to the Giulietta.

All Giuliettas will come with automatic start-stop as standard.

Alfa Romeo aims to make over 100,000 units a year. They say it is too early to predict pricing, but they claim it will be very competitive compared to its main rival, the VW Golf.

Very few pictures have been released, but so far it looks quite nice. I’d still prefer that they use the 159/Brera front styling instead, but this isn’t too bad.

Source: Autocar

Alfa Romeo Brera: o masina facuta sa fie admirata…mai putin  pentru a calatori in ea.

De ce se spune asta despre Alfa Romeo Brera? Pentru ca are un exterior fabulos si e si normal sa fie asa. Doar e desenat de Giorgetto Giugiaro la Italdesign si asamblata de Pininfarina la San Giorgio Canavese. Dar spatiul interior? Cu el cum ramane? De ce trebuia sa fie neglijat atat de mult? In spate nu poate sta nimeni ! Nimeni ! Mda…sacrificiul pentru un exterior atat de reusit, este un interior cat o cutie de chibrituri.

Prezentat in 2005, Brera imparte platforma cu 159. Din 2006 avem si varianta Spider.

Motoarele livrate pe aceasta masina sunt 2.2 JTS 185 cp si 3.2 V6 260 cp (pentru versiunea Q4 – tractiune integrala cu diferential Torsen).  Se ofera si un diesel plin de steroizi: 2.4 JTD, 5 cilindrii, 210 cp.

Din 2008 motorul V6 de la Alfa Romeo poate fi comandat si doar cu tractiune fata si diferential electronic Q2 pentru eliminarea pierderilor de tractiune in viraje abordate in viteza.

Anul acesta a fost introdus si noul motor TBi dezvoltat de Alfa Romeo cu capacitate de 1.75 litrii, turbo, injectie directa, si sistem de mamangement al timpilor de admisie si evacuare. Puterea dezvoltata de acest motor este de 200 cp cu un cuplu de 320 nm. Se asteapta si o versiune de 230 de cp, ce va avea un timp de demaraj 0-100km/h in 7.3 secunde. Mda…este o acceleratie greoaie pentru o asemenea putere. Si asta pentru ca masina in sine este foarte grea !

Exista si o versiune Brera S dezvoltata impreuna cu inginerii englezi de la Prodrive special pentru piata britanica. Aceasta e produsa pentru a infirma criticile care sustin ca Brera este o masina greoaie in ceea ce priveste controlul si nu prea ofera placerea de a conduce.

O comparatie intre Audi TT, Alfa Romeo Brera si Mazda RX-8, de la Top Gear:

Why? Because it turns out, and sorry for not finding out earlier, that along with the modified 159 they released earlier, they also did a Brera S.

The damn thing is gorgeous, and now it’s got some power to go with it. By bolting a supercharger to the engine (Along with an intercooler), they’ve managed to up the power from 260hp to 347 rampaging, Italian stallions. Torque has gone up from 322Nm to a staggering 435Nm. To make it handle as well as it looks, they’ve fitted it with a limited-slip diff, and there is a new, adjustable suspension kit, so you can choose between performance and comfort (4o different settings to be exact). That differential better be damn good though, because while the 159 might be AWD (Note the might, as it could be FWD, not quite sure), this is definitely FWD, and so much power, and especially torque, to the front wheels can provide insane results.

Now then, I’m going to get a change of pants, and then I’ll go look for my cheque book.

Source: Autoblog

I’ve decided it’s time for a new car and am now at the book a test drive point. I don’t remember seeing this ad when it came out but found it while looking for more info on the Brera…

There’s not many car makers that can wait for a nearly a minute into their ad before showing the car itself but then Alfa have never really been normal in their advertising.  While I don’t really think there’s much of a message behind it I like the idea of a car carved out of the air by ninja robots from the future. Now there’s a Bruce Campbell movie.

A motoring journo recently said that “if it’s pretty, sexy and uber cool then it’s probably an Alfa Romeo.” While this isn’t exactly a low-slung coupe, I’m really liking the Alfa Romeo Brera. Medway dealers aren’t going to be in for too much of a hard-sell with this one.

While the motoring press is clamouring for looks at new production cars and new concepts at this year’s Frankfurt Motor Show, I started wondering about how many of these lovely concepts will make production and what of them will change.

It’s something that often happens – a great looking concept that becomes watered down and loses that edge that caused all the attention. Take the Alfa Romeo Brera, for example. When it was first shown at 2002 Geneva motor show it was clearly the best looking concept-set-for-production at the stand, but when launched in 2005 something had changed, see:

alfa romeo brera

Despite being longer and taller, the production car manages to look shorter and squatter. It’s not to say the Brera isn’t a good looking car – it was once named the most beautiful car of the world, I just think too much of the concept was lost. Makes you wonder how much of the flair of their Giulia concept will remain.

Właśnie dotarły do nas nowej informacje dotyczące Alfy Romeo. Otóż pod maskę modeli 159 i Brera zawitają dwa nowe silniki. Pierwszy o pojemności 1.8 i mocy 200 koni, a to za sprawą właściwej turbosprężarki i odpowiednio zaprogramowanego wtrysku. Jednostka ta osiąga moment obrotowy o wartości 320 Nm przy 1400 obrotach na minutę. 159 TBi, czyli 200 konny Włoch pierwszą setkę osiąga w 7,7 s, a prędkość maksymalna to 235 km/h. Producent deklaruje, że auto spala około 8 litrów na 100 km, ale prawda może być brutalna. Alfa pomyślała również o oszczędnych i do modelu 159 trafi również 2-litrowy turbodoładowany diesel o mocy 170 koni. Pierwsza setka w tym przypadku pojawi się po 8,8 s. A prędkość maksymalna to 218 km/h.  Według producenta Alfa z tym silnikiem zużywa jedynie 5,4 l na 100 km. Jak będzie na prawdę, zobaczymy.

Alfa Romeo’nun lüks spor otomobil sınıfında yer alan Brera ve Spider modellerinin 2.2 litre 185 HP ve Selespeed şanzımanlı versiyonları için stoklarla sınırlı bir kampanya düzenleyen Alfa Romeo Türkiye, 5 bin Euro’yu aşan cazip indirim imkanı sunuyor. Kampanya kapsamına dahil edilen zengin donanımlı Alfa Romeo Brera 2.2 JTS Selespeed 53 bin 004 Euro; Alfa Romeo Spider 2.2 JTS Selespeed ise 55 bin 290 Euro’dan başlayan anahtar teslim fiyatıyla dikkat çekiyor.

Adını Milano’daki çok ünlü bir sanat akademisinden alan Alfa Romeo Brera, Alfa 159 ile aynı platform üzerinde yükseliyor. Alfa Romeo Brera, 4.41 metre uzunluğu, 1.83 metre genişliği ve 1.34 metre yüksekliğiyle kompakt boyutlara sahip olduğunu net biçimde ortaya koyuyor. Hatchback-coupe melezi Alfa Romeo Brera’nın global anlamda birçok ödüle layık görülen cesur tasarımında, üç lensli kızgın bakışlı farları, V biçimli 147 stili ızgarası ve alt hava girişleri ön plana çıkıyor. Bununla birlikte Alfa logosunu da kapsayan daha kaslı motor kaputu ise belirgin biçimde araca sportif bir dinamizm katıyor. Guigiaro tarafından tasarımı tamamlanan Alfa Romeo Brera’daki sert omuz çizgileri, kabarık çamurluklar ve C sütununa kadar gelen ön camla bütünleşik cam tavan (Skywindow), dinamizm dolu bir profil elde edilmesine yardımcı oluyor.

Kampanya kapsamında 5 bin Euro’yu aşan indirim fırsatıyla dikkat çeken stoklarla sınırlı Alfa Romeo Brera’da görev yapan 2.2 litre JTS motor, 185 HP güç ve 230 Nm tork üretiyor. 1470 kg’lik boş ağırlığa sahip Alfa Romeo Brera 2.2 JTS’in Selespeed şanzımanlı versiyonu, 224 km/s’lik son hıza erişirken, 0-100 km/s hızlanmasını 8.6 saniyede tamamlıyor. 70 litrelik yakıt deposu hacmine sahip Alfa Romeo Brera’nın Selespeed şanzıman ve 2.2 litre JTS motorlu versiyonu, 100 km’de 9.1 litrelik ortalama yakıt tüketim değeri sunuyor.

Alfa Romeo’nun bir başka tasarım ikonu olarak dikkat çeken Spider modeli ise Brera’nın cabrio versiyonu olarak dikkat çekiyor. Alfa Romeo Spider 2.2 JTS Selespeed ise 224 km/s’lik son hız ve 8.8 sn’lik 0-100 km/s hızlanma değeri gibi performans verileriyle lüks spor otomobil severlere hitap ediyor.

Alfa Romeo está demostrando en la feria de Paris el estado de euforia que vive. Además de la presentación estrella del Alfa MiTo, también han mostrado el nuevo Alfa Romeo Brera Ti.

Vía Autoblog

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BMW X1Concept, BMW 7series ActiveHybrid, BMW 320d Xdrive, BMW M3 & more

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Chrysler, Jeep si Dodge

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Maserati, Lancia

Alfa Romeo MiTo, Alfa Romeo Brera, Alfa Romeo 8C Spider, Competizione

[Source: Automarket.ro]

A few days ago, we have recast with the Alfa Romeo 159 sedan and family rooms. Alfa seems very affûté this time, they have two more Liftings today – the beautiful Brera Spider and surprising. Like 159, the changes are quite subtle, but important around.

Mainly, the considerable weight of the vehicles has been reduced by the use of light alloy wheels, suspension parts made of aluminium, aluminium and Bremszangen mono-block brake.

Read more(foto)!!!

External changes include the introduction of a new color (white), with a new 10-spoke 18-inch wheels. Inside, the seats are sporty and ergonomic, and like in the 159 and the scoreboard has many new things, including the recasting of controls for the two climate zones of control system, the new satellite navigation systems and more.

What in the center, the customer can choose between the new 2.2-liter 185 hp and six cylinders with 3.2-litre petrol engine with 260 hp, or go to the outgoing 210/200 hp 2.4-litre diesel JTDM engine.

En tanke slog mig under förra året, den lyckades bita sig fast på ett eller annat sett och slog mig härom dagen igen. Jag tänkte på grund av detta då delge er med min tanke. Det handlar om det italienska bilmärket Alfa Romeo. Ett märke som för de flesta går relativt anonymt, en vanlig bil men som på något vis ändå inte syns alltför ofta. Det som då slog mig angående detta bilmärke är att många bilentusiaster har en viss kärlek till denna italienare. Skulle till och med kunna ta det så långt som är man intresserad av sportbilar och till viss del bilar rent allmänt så gillar man Alfa Romeo. Detta är ett faktum vill jag nästan påstå. Gillar man verkligen bilar, så gillar man också Alfa. Konstigt kanske många tänker då de associerar märket med “vanliga trista bilar”. Men ack så fel ni har. Ta bara en titt på denna Alfa Romeo Brera:

Att kalla denna bil ful, finns inte. De tre runda lyktorna som bildar en enhet är genomgående fantastiskt stilig, hela fronten är ett mästerverk enligt konstens alla regler. Ett andra alternativ är då denna bil:

Precis, Alfa Romeo 147. Ett trevligt alternativ i golf-klassen enligt mig. Inte heller denna kan man klandra för att ha ett fult yttre? Nej, ni börjar nog förstå vart jag vill komma. Alfa Romeo har en mycket trevlig design som väldigt få INTE tilltalas av. Tacksamt nog för de som är ute efter lite mer kraft så kan vi inom en relativt kort framtid förvänta oss att se denna bil som ett alternativ:

Alfa Romeo 8C Competizione heter den och beräknas vara i produktion 2009. Ni som inte tilltalas utav denna bil har antingen en skev bild av hur en bil ska se ut eller lider utav en oförklarlig sjukdom. Ni får mer än gärna i sådana fall utförligt beskriva vad som inte ser bra ut på denna bil. Så, nu vet ni varför Alfa Romeo är ett bilmärke som förknippas med kunnande och som därtill ligger som ett litet kärleksbarn till oss bilentusiaster.

Tonight Hugh Grant stars in our Reasonably-Priced Car, and is the new Audi TT any good? We find out by playing golf.

In the studio, Clarkson: Hello and welcome. Thank you for that. Now, now, as I’m sure you know, James May is the slowest man in the entire world. By the time he sets off anywhere, normally his hair has grown another inch. So, plainly, he was the ideal man to try and max the fastest car in the world.

We cut to a monochrome view of a track in a wooded area, looking at the vapor trails of a car that’s just offscreen. May (with satisfaction): Vlad the Impaler is back. (To accompany that slightly bizarre statement, we get some wet car porn of a very sleek, dangerous-looking car just ripping up the track.) Last year the mighty Bugatti Veyron starred in our greatest Top Gear Challenge ever when it raced an airplane across the continent. To the swell of a dramatic chorus, he continues: In that film, Jeremy talked endlessly about the Veyron’s ferocious power and its incredible top speed. But because he was on public roads, he had to stick to the speed limit. (How frustrating was that!) But today we’re not going to talk about it. We’re going to do it. We’re going to take the fastest production car in the world up to its top speed. That top speed is 253 mph. Much faster than a Formula One car. And when you think that the Veyron has air bags, air conditioning, a stereo, a boot, and all the other stuff F1 cars aren’t burdened with, you realize what an incredible machine this is. (We get some interior shots–there’s a raised center console, sleek leather seats, and it’s a left-hand drive.) The Veyron is about pushing the outside of the envelope. It’s about doing things people said were just not possible. This car is sort of a Concord moment. Getting a car to do 155 frankly isn’t very difficult. (The very formidable car drives toward the camera; it’s very low to the ground, just a matter of inches. Dark and mean, this is the car Batman would be driving if he had a lick of sense.) The Veyron needs just a piffling 270 hp to reach that speed, but 253–crikey. The faster you go, the more Mother Nature tries to hold you back. So to do the next 100 mph, the 100 mph that takes you up to 250 mph, needs another 730 hp. So what you end up with is a 16 cylinder engine with four turbochargers producing 1001 hp and a lot of heat. That’s why your car has one radiator and this car has ten. (No, that is not a misprint, it’s what he said. Ten radiators. One car.) The engineers really were in uncharted territory with this car. Here’s an example–when they wanted to sort out the high-speed aerodynamics, they went to the Sauber F1 team and they said, ‘do you mind awfully if we use your wind tunnel?’ and they said, ‘terribly sorry, but we don’t go up to those speeds.’ In fact, cracking 253 mph caused nightmare after nighttmare, but Bugatti insists that this 850 000 pound car can do it. Mind you, actually testing their bold claim is a bit of a palaver. This is Ehro-Lessien, Volkswagen’s maximum security test track in Germany.

May fills us in on the history of the track: When it was built during the Cold War, it was deliberately sited in a no-fly zone near the East German border in order to stop prying eyes from seeing secret prototypes. (Shots of the track are showing high banked curves.) It has over 60 miles of private track, but the bit we’re interested in is the main straight, which is a whopping 5.5 miles long. Although it is technically a flat and level road, if you stand here, you can’t actually see the other end, and that’s because it’s following the curvature of the earth. But even when you’ve sorted the venue, you can’t just jump in the car and go. This is Germany. There are procedures to go through. (He looks quite pleased.) I like procedures. You have to insert a special key in a slot by the door. And when you do, the diffuser flaps close, the rear spoiler retracts, and the whole car hunkers down to be as slippery as possible. (The engine revs, a wonderful throaty growl, and he’s off.) He comes off the bank at 200 km/hr and puts his foot down. The climb from 200 to 300 km takes 9.4 seconds. “Captain Slow is doing 360km! 370! It’s no wonder Michael Schumacher retired–he’s slower than me!” The world outside goes by in a blur. He’s now faster than the F1 cars. May tells us that right now, the engine is sucking in as much air in one minute as he breathes in four days. At close to the maximum speed, the tires will only last another 15 minutes, but this is ok because he’s only got enough fuel for 12 more minutes. He’s at 407 km now, covering the legnth of a football pitch every second. Incredible speed. He hits the magic number, the top speed, and the film goes silent as he shoots down the track. As he decelerates, in his understated way he says: It’s made my eyes water.

Back in the studio, Clarkson concedes that he is impressed with May’s performance and talks shop a bit: Ok, thing is though, ok, you know when you take a Ferrari or a Lamborghini, or particularly a Koenigsegg up to its top speed– May: No. Clarkson: No, James, no, actually you wouldn’t, but when you do, they fizz and they buzz, and it feels like the body panels are peeling away cause you’re right on the edge of what’s physically and technically possible. May: Really. I didn’t get any of that with this to be honest. The only thing I got was at the end of the straight, had to touch the brakes, you can see the spoiler come up to slow it down, you get a sort of..(moves his head from side to side.) Clarkson: And that’s it? May: Yeah… Clarkson: So it’s kind of safe and relaxing even at 250 mph? May: Absolutely, yeah. It’s totally undramatic. But I would give you a bit of a warning. Which is it’s disorientating, doing that sort of speed, because after I’d come off the banking, I was slowing down to stop, and you know how you get a bit impatient, and you think, oh, I’ll just open the door. Fortunately I looked back at the speedo and I was still doing 70. Clarkson: So we’ve established that this is faster across Europe than your light airplane. May: Yep. Clarkson: We’ve established that it really will do 250 mph, but we’ve never been able to find out how fast it will go round our track. Now the problem is, is Bugatti are happy for us to have one here; they’re happy for you (gestures to May) to do that, but they won’t lend the Stig one. So really, this is an appeal. If you’ve got a Veyron and you’d like to lend it to us, we are prepared to pay anything up to 30 pounds.

Now we get Hammond with the news. He tells us that the new Porsche Cayenne is out. It’s never been a good-looking car, and it may be assumed that it hasn’t been improved by the look of its new ad. The official photo issued by Porsche shows three dark cars driving down a track at night, and the only light is from the headlights. Hammond can’t believe it: What? What? (laughing) May: I can hear the discussion that the photographer had actually with the director. He said is the light good for you? And he said, no, there still is some. Clarkson turns to a party that TVR owners are having for the workers who were laid off when the Blackpool plant closed. It includes a buffet dinner, bar, disco, and a live band. Hammond: Wow! A TVR band! So they’ll play presumably really loud, really fast, and then burst into flames. Clarkson has a picture of the new Renault R27 with the four Renault F1 drivers. The new driver really, really likes the car. They get a chuckle out of this. Hammond: What I love as well if you look around, the other guys who’ve clearly spotted the problem–well, you could hardly miss it, could you?–are all very embarassed. ‘Don’t look!’ Clarkson got the picture off a French website. In the official picture, the one Renault issued, the embarassment has been averted by herding all the drivers behind the car. No one is visible below the waist.

Clarkson moves on to other topics: Now, if you’re looking to spend between 20-25 000 pounds on a coupe, your choice jsut got a lot more complicated. So, to see if we could help you out, the three of us have been to Scotland for a row.

We’re looking down on a suspension bridge: on the right hand lanes, red, white and blue cars speed toward us. Clarkson: These are the cars that have caused the problem. There’s the new Audi TT (the white one), the Alfa Romeo Brera (the blue one), and the not-so-new but still quite interesting Mazda RX-8 (the red one). Since Clarkson is talking and he’s driving the Audi, that’s what we hear about first. He didn’t like the old TT because it was just a Golf in a pretty dress. “And that’s like putting a cow in a track suit. Still not going to win any running races.” This new one, though, is different: it’s longer, wider, more agressive, more technical. The back half is steel, the front aluminum; beside dropping weight, it improves the weight distribution. The suspension fluid is loaded with iron filings; when you turn on a magnet, the filings move, and the suspension becomes stiffer. “It’s no longer a cow in a track suit. It’s now a cow GTI in racing overalls.” Whatever. Moving away from the barnyard analogies, he says it’s a proper sports car now, and we get some car porn of the TT.

May: “Rubbish. What you want is one of these; this is a new Alfa Romeo Brera. (in an Italian accent) Is a pretty car. Superficially, both these cars are the same: 4 seat coupes, 4 cylinder engines, 6 speed gearboxes, and both cost about 24 000 pounds.” Both also ofer similar options on larger engines and four wheel drive. However, it really isn’t like the TT. The official Top Gear position is that you can’t consider yourself a true petrol-head unless you’ve owned an Alfa as they aren’t cars for posers but for real drivers because they aren’t boring. Uh-huh. May claims that the Alfa has soul and passion and a heart. Love to see that one; is it located by the alternator, or perhaps by the reservoir for brake fluid? Anyway, comparing the two interiors, May claims that the Audi makes you feel like you’re stuck in a Berlin post office, whereas the Alfa feels more like a Milanese espresso bar. The sunroof retracts, and the interior is brushed metal and leather.

Cut to the two cars parked nose to nose, with May and Clarkson each seated on a piece of tree. Clarkson forces May to admit it takes 8.1 seconds to go from 0-60, and Clarkson claims that a canal boat could out-drag the Brera. May defends his Alfa, conceding that it’s not as quick as the TT, which is a car for people who use moisturizing products anyway. Clarkson agrees that he prefers an Alfa to an Audi, but not this Alfa because it’s pokey. They’re interrupted by a horn honking, and the Mazda shoots by. Hammond laughs and says that if you want power, this is it, as the Wankle engine gives the Mazda 0-60 in 6.4 seconds, and the top speed is a reasonable 150. The engine is different too; it’s a rotary, which means all the power is at the top end. Unlike the others, the RX-8 is bespoke, designed from the ground up. It’s also the only one with rear wheel drive. “This is a proper, blue-blooded drivers’ car.” It has four doors: two big front ones, and two little ones that open on the reverse. There are disadvantages: low gas mmileage, burns a lot of oil, and the depreciation is pretty bad. However, it’s 2 000 pounds cheaper and just as much better. “And I don’t care what those other idiots say.”

Back on the bridge, Clarkson muses: A tricky decision, then–three similar cars but three different opinions. To see if we could find a winner, the three of us needed to meet up, so this being Scotland, the home of golf, we decided to break out the Pringle. On the course, to May: What would you be using here? May: How the hell do I know? Hammond assumes a stance: and it’s like that. Clarkson: I can’t believe–you seem to look like somebody who’d done it–laughs as Hammond hits a very poor shot, perhaps four yards, and he actually falls to the green, he’s laughing so hard. (They do seem to be in a tee box, so Hammond’s use of a wood makes sense.) Clarkson: You got dressed up in that outfit–(Hammond has on an Argyle sweater-vest and bright blue shirt and pants, but Clarkson really has no room to talk in his black and white striped pants and gray Argyle sweater. For the record, May is attired in yet another Argyle sweater, white shirt, and salmon-colored pants.) –to do that. Hammond is unpeturbed by the mirth: Honestly, I could have carried it that far.

Clarkson: We were extremely quick getting to a new hole. (They’re driving their carts along at a really good clip, forcing each other off the path in turns.) But every time we got there, things slowed down again. (We see why: May is in the rough, hacking at his ball awkwardly. He hits it out, but may have pinged Hammond with it, as he hops quickly out of his cart rubbing his hip. He’s on the green, but no more graceful than May. As Clarkson observes these antics, his cart glides down the hill behind without its driver.) As you might expect, the conversation is about cars: they’re bickering while Clarkson thinks he’s addressing his ball. They’re completely ignoring the golfers behind them who want to play through; one bends over his club in despair of ever getting to play again. May is rattling on; Clarkson tries to tee off on his head, and Hammond stomps off, retrieves May’s golf bag, and empties it on the green. May: That’s childish and doesn’t solve the arguement. Clarkson: After this, we were asked to leave and all we’d managed to agree on was that the Alfa was the least golf-clubbish.

Cut back to the studio. Clarkson: My guest tonight is a global megastar. Really, he’s made his name playing the kind of dithering Englishman we all know and love, so it was only a matter of time before he’s asked to pl ay the lead in “James May, The Movie.” Please welcome, to this pokey motoring show, Hugh Grant!

Clarkson: I’ve gotta say, this is a thrill for me. Grant (politely): It’s a thrill for me. Clarkson: No, but really, it is because for the first time ever in a guest interview, we’ve got girls all around the front. Normally at this point, they’re all outside talking to Hammond. Now he’s out there all by himself.

They start out the discussion with Grant’s car-owning history. Clarkson expects that as a big Hollywood star, Grant would own a Prius. Grant laughs: You’d have thought. No, in my life, I’ve had two modes of car, little, tiny tossers’ cars and great big (bleep) cars. For the first time, he’s right between the two. He’d started with a Citroen Dyane, then moved to an Aston Martin Vanquish, a beautiful car “you want to lick it, or…mate with it or something.” Then a Bentley GT Continental. He’s got a bad back, and for some reason it occasionally manifests itself as back pain and sometimes as bollock pain. “And with the GT Continental, I got terrible bollock pain. Some car seats do it to me– my brother’s Golf GTI was the first one; hence, the syndrom is now known as Golf Ball.” After the Bentley, a Porsche, “It’s so exhausting, all I want is a comfy environment, and a nice arm chair, and for my balls not to hurt.”

They talk about road rage, and how for Grant it becomes road mildness at lightning speeds when he actually confronts the other driver. His film “Music and Lyrics” is coming out. Clarkson claims that they don’t plug projects, but they play the clip anyway. The audience applauds. Clarkson and Grant are roughly they same age; they commiserate over falling apart. Grant caps the tales with this about his appointment with a doctor for Golf Ball: Bent me over, and I swear to God, stuck his head up my bottom. Because when he said ‘does that hurt’ it was muffled…and it was the worst pain I’ve ever had in my life.”

How did his lap go? “I thought quite badly. Um…I like the Stig very much, he was very kind to me, but, ah, it’s not easy, Jeremy, it’s not easy.” “You didn’t think so?” “It’s counterintutive. You know, just when you’re thinking ‘Well, now, I’m going to die, so I’ll break,’ he says ‘Flat down with the accelerator.’ and, ah, the other way around. I– I know I’m going to be bad. ” Clarkson asks who there wants to see Grant’s lap, and of course they all do. There are some good things about the lap, some bad things, and he goes wide around Gambon, completely off the track and onto the grass. Grant confesses: I feel I’ve let everyone down, including the Stig. Clarkson: No, it’s only yourself. Grant would like to beat Gambon and Ewan MacGregor in the standings, which he does at 1:47:7, and also beats chef Jamie Oliver. Clarkson: I think you’re better, and funnier, and much better looking, with a smaller tongue.

Oookay.

We’re back in Scotland, and Clarkson is taunting the other two: Can you set the sat-nav in your car ok? May: ah, no, I haven’t got sat-nav. Clarkson: Could you do that, Richard? Hammond: I go by instinct in here. So it’s the driver’s car, or the navigator’s car. Or the air hostess, in the case of yours, Jeremy. Clarkson: I think I’ve got a bit of dust on my headlamps. I’ll just wash that off. Hammond: yes, I’ve done that with my headlamp washers. Have you done that, James? May: Well, I did that earlier, with a wet hankie and the end of my finger. Clarkson: Have either of you two got a DSG gearbox? May: no. Hammond: No. Clarkson: Have you got adjustable suspension, either of you? May: No. Hammond: No. May gets in a shot of his own: Jeremy, can I just ask, how much of that stuff is standard? Clarkson: Almost everything, really, is an optional extra. Hammond titters in delight. May dogs him: How much does that lot cost? Clarkson: The optional extras on this car add up to (mumble) pounds. Hammond: How much? Clarkson: Six (mumble) thousand pounds. Hammond: Six grand?! Clarkson to the camera: It’s actually eight grand, but shh.

Clarkson: It was tit for tat all the way, and nobody was going to give in. Hammond: Coupes are all about looks, and to find out which of ours is the best looking, we’d been told to go to the Scottish National Gallery of Modern Art (which is housed rather oddly in an old, neo-classic temple-style building) in Edinburgh. The challenge was simple: if this prestigious gallery was to accept just one of our cars based on styling alone, which would it be?

The boys are given five minutes in the gallery’s bookstore to bone up on their subjects. Or try to find a successful line of bullshit. Whichever. Then it’s two minutes in front of a panel of three experts to argue the merits of each car.

Clarkson: Unfortunately, the crash course in the bookstore just confused us even more. May is the first one up, and begins: Can a car be a piece of art? No, but can we find any art in that piece of design? In the antechamber, Hammond is busily cribbing notes onto his hand as Clarkson frets that he can’t say that the Audi was a reaction to the overly complicated ceiling roses of Victorian houses. May goes on to the judges, citing the influence of the Scottish colorists in the design of the headlamps of the Alfa. Clarkson thinks Hammond has an advantage since he’s been to art school, but Hammond disabuses him of this notion: Did you go to art school? Then you wouldn’t know. What you do at art school is drink and pursue women. May is now beating the concepts of truth and beauty into the ground. One judge wants him to go away and calls time. May has not yet managed to bring in the Renaissance, which seems to be fine with the judges. He emerges from his examination as Clarkson moans that his trousers are not Bauhaus. Clarkson asks him: Were we made to look a bit like a minky? May: Their brains are huge. (makes a ‘the fish was thiiiiis big’ gesture.) Clarkson heads in next.

He is asked to justify why his car should be in the gallery. Clarkson: One can see influences of the Bauhaus in so many of the things around us today… And he’s off. May finds Clarkson’s notes: trousers, fat, Hitler, tiger, Mazda, Alfa, modernism, minimalism. They read like moot court notes, which you’re encouraged to jot down keywords so that you won’t read off your cards to your judges. Clarkson is now being corrected on his Cubist thinking as his collegues peek around the door. He gets pounded for hanging everything on Bauhaus, and one art expert quotes German to him. He looks lost. Clarkson: The Audi symbolizes…Freedom! Oh, my god, it’s the Braveheart argument, and it goes nowhere. Bagpipes play as the judges are stonefaced. Clarkson is dismissed. After he leaves, Hammond waves his inky palm: warm in there, isn’t it. Clarkson is just glad to have escaped.

Hammond has a novel opening: Gentlemen, God is the reason you might look at this car…and see it as something a bit unusual. He displays a picture of the interior, which looks pretty standard. He explains that it’s Japanese and therefore a little different to our eyes. One judge isn’t buying this, and also requires that Hammond put his hands in his pockets so that he can’t cheat off his notes. Busted. Amiably, Hammond: I can do that. But now he’s without his safety net, and it shows: If you refer to “Catching Catfish With A Gourd”…from the fifteenth century…by Jujitsu…As Hammond stammers along, May tells Clarkson that one of the judges is an expert in Asian art. Clarkson laughs. From here, it’s all downhill for the Hamster. When asked to reiterate the points he’s just made, he clutches. Clarkson asks May: did you feel a bit thick when you’d finished in there? May (thickly): Thick? Clarkson: How do you think he’s going to feel? May: He’ll probably punch one of them. (Indeed, Hammond looks as if he’s reaching his limit.) Clarkson: I’ve eaten brighter vegetables than he is. Hammond is being asked what else he’d display with the Mazda if it went in. Hammond: Japanese paintings. Asian art expert: Anyone in particular? Hammond (trying to recover some dignity after the reference to Jujitsu): That would be for perhaps, you know, specialists to choose. He finally emerges, looking bloody but unbowed. Clarkson: How did that go? Hammond (possibly still vapor-locked): I think well. I think well. Clarkson: You know you’re bright red. Hammond: Yeah, I’m hot. very hot.

The experts consult, and the lads are brought back in to hear the verdict. One expert has been persuaded the most by the Alfa. May: I agree entirely. Yes. The Asian expert also prefers the Alfa. The last expert says that they’d be happy to show the Alfa. Clarkson whinges: It’d break down before it got here. Hammond contributes: You’d get oil all over your nice floors. May admonishes them: You can stop being petty and infantile. They squabble loudly as the judges, perhaps not used to the unacademic tone of the discussion, look dazed and dismayed.

Back in the studio, Clarkson declaims: Well, rubbish. As Richard said, they were wrong. So we’re going to do a much more important test: which one is fastest around our track? Now, obviously, to find that out, we have to hand them over to our tame racing driver.

Some say that he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner and that he is in no way implicated in the ‘Cash for Honors’ scandal. All we know is he’s called Lord Stig! The Mazda is up first. Clarkson: Well, that’s wasted about an hour with wheel spin. Hammond: Get off! He’s started off with the best car and the only proper sports car, the Mazda. The Stig is listening to a trashy romance novel and really goes wide around Hammerhead. There’s lots of understeer. May: That is miles off. Hamond: That is elegant and controlled. He’s really wide through Gambon, and across the line. The Alfa’s next, and dips a bit in the first corner. Clarkson: oh ho! Did you see that dive? Hammond: It’s like watching the actual studio go round. May corrects them: It’s balanced, its– Hammond: It’s boring! The Stig understeers; it seems a little hard to control through Gambon. Clarkson: Is that oil coming out the bottom? And its across the line. As the Audi starts, Clarkson crows: Behold the magnificent! Hammond: Oh, you off to the hairdressers, sir? Clarkson tries to tell us it was the old TT that was for air hostesses and people who are orange, and that “This is a completely different animal.” Hammond: Front wheel drive, unlike a sports car, which would have rear wheel drive. May also pounces: I saw the front nod. There’s understeer through Gambon, and it’s off onto the grass, like the other two cars.

In the studio, the boys group around a board on which are their times. Clarkson reveals the Audi’s time: 1:31:4. May scoffs, and whips off the concealing barrier to reveal the Alfa’s time: 1:36:9. oh. Hammond predicts victory in confident tones and reveals the Mazda’s time: 1:32:0. Clarkson: Damn. Hammond: No, no, no, you’ve won. I’ve lost. Clarkson: No, I’m going to oen up now. Secretly, all along, I’ve preferred the Alfa. Hammond whispers as May hops in glee: What? Clarkson: Seriously, if it were my money, that’s what I’d buy and I bet you any money it’s the same for you. Hammond: yeah. May, practically dizzy with excitement: I knew it! I knew it! Clarkson puts the brakes on a little: Before you get too cocky, I would not recommend one to a friend. That’s the thing. May is taken aback, but Clarkson continues: Well, you wouldn’t…they’d spend their lives in a cloud of steam on the side of the motorway. Hammond wouldn’t recommend one either. May would like to but honestly could not. Clarkson: So what we’ve managed to establish is that the best car here is the worst! Hammond: Yep. Aren’t we good at this? Clarkson: We are. And that’s the end of the show. Thanks very much for watching and next week we’ve got a Top Gear special. See you then. Good night!

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