Aren’t you glad I didn’t say shit happens? This week’s Thursday Thirteen is the true story about poop because …

… and I am thrilled that Super Tuesday media coverage has subsided. I’ll be ecstatic when this bullshit election and my super busy work week are both over. I have been so busy that I have had to pencil in time to poop on my calendar.

As much as I wish I could take credit for the shit that is about to happen in this entry, I had nothing and have to thank Smelly Poop for this craptacular Thursday Thirteen.

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

1. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and you are speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

2. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun’s pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

3. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water, and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

4. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. The WALK OF SHAME can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

5. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

6. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

7. SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

8. TURD BURGLAR: Pooper who does not realize that you’re in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been known to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

9. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. The CAMO-COUGH is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

10. ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

11. WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

12. HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. It is often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

13. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. He/she could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

BONUS ~ FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

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I have posted early (East coast time on the West side) and will be visiting late tomorrow or Friday, but I still love you all 13ers. I am sure you noticed that I have not used Mister Linky for a couple of weeks. I am tired of people adding their names to the Linky but not leaving comments. You comment; I follow.

13 Resignations I Have Typed As Recently as Yesterday … Wait for it

1. Fuck you. I quit. Strong message to follow.
2. I quit this bitch.
3. I had a life, but this job ate it.
4. I’d rather be skipping and blowing bubbles.
5. Fuck work.
6. Needless to say, I didn’t go to college and get two degrees for this shit.
7. I quit. That’s all.
8. Looking for a job? Have mine.
9. Am I fired yet?
10. I can only please one person a day. Today I choose me.
11. I am too cool to work for scum.
12. Lab rats have more meaningful careers than I do.
13. This is cruel and unusual employment.

I cannot hide my disdain much longer. Explain to me again why I should be happy where I am.

I am feeling a wee bit Craggy Island Irish today. Feck! Maybe it was the Guinness I just drowned by sorrows in due to twisting my ankle while following Boog as he walked The Terrorist. Perhaps. I have been trying to channel James Joyce since I have nothing today, and this writer’s block will not be tolerated during the year-long Cult of Insanity. Suddenly, like a blinding flash of the obvious (now forever to be known as BFO’s), I fecking remembered the fecktacular Father Ted.

Feck responsibly, or feck off!

Fecking teenage feckfaces! What a fecking week!

13 Bizarre Tactics I Will Resort to Using at Today’s Umpteenth Assistant Principal Interview If I Am Told They Are Looking for a Man for the Job

(Go back to my TT 25 for the no promo back story. This time my competition is my partner … a man with 1.5 years less experience than me. I am his mentor.)

1. Challenge interviewer to arm wrestle. What … thumb war more appropriate?

2. Agree to tattoo the school’s mascot on my big, white ass.

3. Move into the vacant office and refuse to leave until I am hired or they call the police.

4. Take my camera. Snap a picture of my interviewer. State that I am photographing all the people who have interviewed me and not hired me for my online hit list.

5. Walk in wearing only one shoe. State that the other shoe was stolen by a vicious biting ‘tard in the courtyard outside the office.

6. Arrive at the interview in a bathing suit and riding a skateboard. Ask if there will be a private office in which to store my imaginary homeboy Leroy’s prized skateboard.

7. Ask if anyone wants some cocaine from my highlighter crack pipe before we get started.

8. Vomit on the interviewer’s desk. Note the need for a universal clean-up STAT.

9. Don’t wear pantyhose, remove shoes, and bite my toenails throughout the interview.

10. Burp repeatedly saying it was the “other white meat” I ate for lunch.

11. Wear my iPod throughout the interview, singing at the top of my lungs for each question posed:

One way or another I’m gonna find ya
I’m gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I’m gonna win ya
I’ll getcha, I’ll getcha
One way or another I’m gonna see ya
I’m gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha
One day, maybe next week
I’m gonna meetcha, I’ll meetcha

12. Bring an enlarged copy of my profile avatar and state that my educational philosophy is “The beatings will continue until morale improves.”

13. Quote our illiterate leader: “Childrens do learn.”

Since I predict it will be an eventful day, I am posting this using East coast time from the West side. I’ll be visiting all of your Thursday 13’s a little later in the day from the West side. Hold on; leave me a comment not just a Mister Linky-link ’cause I’m comin’.

Pasty white, geeky, and dorkalicious ~ also known as Tripod.

Boog is a Gamer. Welcome to my world.

In honor of Mumbler’s 15th birthday today, I am reposting one of my favorite entries from July 2006 featuring His Stinkiness himself (back then he was still our little Monkey Boy). Now that he has Phoebecakes, let us pray that he can keep us grandchildless ten years or more longer.

After the umpteenth conversation we have had with Mumbler about personal hygiene, an interesting tangent was ridden on by Boog for a few minutes. I’ll pick up midway. Honestly, I participated in parts of it as well, but this section was more interesting to review with you, kind readers.

M: I took sex ed in school this year.

B: Do you have any questions that weren’t answered?

M: No, I’m not doing that. It’s gross.

A few other vague yet clinical comments about what he learned in the class and from his mom and stepdad were supplied by M. Then, B asked the unthinkable in front of M’s stepmom.

B: Do you masturbate?

M: What’s that?

B: You know, rub one out? Play with yourself?

M: (Dead silence)

B: So, are you noticing girls? Do you like the way they smell?

M: (Mumbles something incoherent)

B: So, are you noticing boys? If you are, that’s okay too.

M: No way!(Followed by more uncomfortable silence)

B: You know you can talk to us about anything anytime. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody does it at some point. “Cajunvegan” and I do; your mom and stepdad do.

M: Ohmygod!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Then the crying ensued.)

Should we be thankful or concerned that he’s still a little boy?

I have new readers since joining the Cult of Insanity otherwise known as Blog 365 (I am trademarking that; credit me if you use it.). Although I am not really here for your entertainment, my new 13 plus friends and other lurkers might be a little confused with some of the aliases used in this so-called blog o’mine.

Step right up and Looka! the Freak Show without a Tent (labeled “Fish and Relatives” in my previous posts but now will be known as “Freaks and Geeks”):

1. Cajunvegan (Duh, that’s me.)

I am a certified Cajun from the Louisiana’s Prairie Cajun Capital, who migrated to Sin City in 1996. That makes me a Vegan (vay-gun not vee-gun). Did you really think a Coonass would ever give up meat, pork, poultry, and seafood except during Lent? Ludicrous! I sometimes go by Fonky too.

2. Boog (Simplified for ‘08 from Booger Bear)

He’s my husband and best friend; we have been committed for 12 years (married for almost 8 of them). He hates people and is a geek for life. If he does not stop snoring soon, I will be forced to smother him with a pillow and bury him in the desert.

3. Monkey Boy (Seriously considering changing his name to Mumbler!)

He is my 15-year-old stepson; he lives with his mom and stepdad in a David Koresh’s secret compound in Colorado. He looks and smells like a homeless person but doesn’t fling his poo. Thankfully, he is not a wannabe anything. Praise Jebus, he now has a girlfriend. I pray that I am not made a G’ma until he is at least 25.

4. The Terrorist (Spenser for Hire)

I am obsessed with my four-year-old Boston Terrier. He’s a people too. He kisses on the lips, sleeps in the bed, and is smarter than your honor student. He was a one-time contributor on I Read Banned Books and wants to come back if you will have him.

5. Xoralundra (Queen of Fucking Everything; Beotch #1 )

She’s a Maine Coon, and the oldest of the furchildren. She allows us to live in her house. Be at my beck and call is her life existence. This entails keeping her away from everyone and everything, feeding her, cleaning her litter box, and petting and grooming her only when she commands you to do so. She’s Boog’s cat through and through.

6. Pekoe (Pissing Queen; Beotch #2)

She’s the middle furchild and the black sheep of the family. She suffers from separation anxiety, paranoia, OCD, and multiple personality disorder. To prove to us how crazy she really is, she whines constantly and pees on the carpet. I purchase Nature’s Miracle by the gallon because of this neurotic, psychotic feline freak.

7. Kittle (Cross-Eyed Princess; Beotch #3)

She’s the youngest furchild and the prettiest except you never know which eye to look at when talking to her. She is an attention whore. We adopted this skittish Persian/Siamese mix beauty when her previous owner declared that she did not match his other cat. She fits right in with the other freaks here.

8. Flea Fly (My younger sister)

She’s a single mom, a paramedic, and my other best friend. She is also a tall drink of water and a skinny bitch. She looks like a supermodel, seriously close to Brooke Shields meets Angelina Jolie. I swear she has the metabolism of a hummingbird. If I could get a fraction of her energy, strength, and perseverance, I would be a superwoman.

9. Bullhead (My 4-year-old nephew)

He’s Flea Fly’s stubborn wild child. He’s a little giant, towering 10-12 inches over most kids his age. He is obsessed with Thomas the Train and Shrek. I bet that means he’ll be a butt man someday.

10. Sybil (My momma)

Where do I begin? Sweet Jebus, grant me the strength to accept the multiple personalities of the original psycho hose beast, the courage to not have her committed, and the wisdom to go to therapy every week for the rest of my life. I swear that she was the inspiration for the book and movie of the same name.

11. Sanford (My daddy)

He is Grumpy Old Man … will change that in previous posts. He is 69 and was a heavy equipment mechanic retiree for about 9 years. He just returned to the work force because he was bored and tired of hoarding (collecting anything and everything like Fred Sanford), fishing, hunting, gardening, gambling, and being my momma’s bitch.

12. Sistah CJ (My mother-in-law)

Yes, she’s a nun. That makes Boog a “son of a nun.” She’s 32 flavors and then some.

13. Devil Wears Purple (My fucktacular boss)

She’s like my momma. I never know who I am going to talk to, but she will always be wearing purple. She claims to be my greatest supporter but has thrown me under the bus and made me feel like a piece of shit more than once. She has a dark side; hence, I have the Darth Vadar theme set as her ringtone on my cell phone.

These are my peeps … the reasons I drink … the Freaks and Geeks. Dude, I so miss that show … brilliant but canceled.

All caught up? Y’all come back now! Ya’ hear?

I am perusing the island of misfit blog drafts. Bear with me.

What is it about the tilde? You know the grapheme I am talking about just about the grave accent on a computer keyboard. I don’t know why, but I just love it!

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She’s such a bitch.

Howsyamammandem

- A collective term for your immediate family, as in “Hey dawlin’, how’s ya mamma ‘n’ dem?” Spoken as one word.

My answer this week: My family is like a circus freak show without the tents.

Las Vegas now runs on …

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No promotion, still, but I did get a complimentary email from the last interviewer.

Hi Cajunvegan!

I want to thank you for meeting with me last week. You answered our questions concisely and thoroughly. Although you were not my #1 recommendation to the region for AP, I know you will be promoted soon based upon your qualifications. I wish you the best of luck as you pursue a promotion. Have happy and successful New Year!

Blankety Blank, Principal
Random Middle School

“In a great teacher’s classroom every student feels like the favorite.” – Todd Whitaker

13 Questions to Ask Loudly for Shits and Giggles

1. What if the hokey-pokey is what it’s all about?
2. Saturday has a morning?
3. Got pudding?
4. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
5. Has anger solved your other problems?
6. Are you pondering what I’m pondering?
7. What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?
8. You’re one of Satan’s minions, aren’t you?
9. Am I the last sane person here?
10. How am I supposed to love my enemies when I can barely stand my friends?
11. Sarcastic? Moi?
12. Are you it?
13. What if I don’t want to get a life?

You know you want to play too in my comments. I dare you.

Thanks to my separated-at-birth blog friend, Scarlet Hip, I found out about the latest and greatest grammatastrophe from the Texas idiot: “Childrens do learn.” Of course, this got the wheels turning and brain juices flowing. The result is this week’s Thursday Thirteen:

13 Anti-Bush Sentiments I Wish I Had Thought of First:

1. The Bush Legacy: Leave No Child a Dime
2. Stop Mad Cowboy Disease
3. Somewhere in Texas There’s a Village Missing an Idiot
4. The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own
5. noo-klee-er
6. He’s Not My President
7. Give Bush an Inch, And He Thinks He’s a Ruler
8. My Dog Is Smarter Than Your President
9. Support the Troops ~ Impeach Bush
10. Goodbye, George, You Gotta Go, Me-Oh-My-Oh
11. Worst.President.Ever.
12. Bush bin-Lyin’
13. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

Bonus Round: If you can read this, you’re not the president.

This is an oldie but a goodie I received as a forwarded email. I am so doing some of these this coming week. You know you wanna play too. Updates are sure to follow.

ONE-POINT DARES

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2. Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
3. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,”Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
4. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
6. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT DARES

1. Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself, 10 if you sing it through to the end).
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob.”
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two.”
5. After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for 1 hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, all of you just shut up!”
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God as my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
9. In a colleague’s DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: “See how I look in tights.”(5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, “You wanna trade?”
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it.”
13. Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16. Hang a 2′ long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out, but don’t remove it.
17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?

1. An annoying little sixth grade boy walked up to me this week and inquired, “Mrs. Cajunvegan, do you know what the kids are calling you?” There are at least two dozen ways I could answer this open-ended question on a daily basis, but I bit instead. “No, Little-Nuisance-of-the-Universe, what are they calling me?” He paused and then whispered, “Snapping Turtle Lady … but I don’t know why because you are the nicest and prettiest dean I know.” I can’t make this stuff up.

2. I met with four separate students and their mothers this week for a conditional enrollment conference. This means they were referred for expulsion from another school in the district, completed a 18-36 week stay at a court continuation school, and are now enrolling at our school. Let’s Meet the Convicts:

• Rocky Balboa – He battered his teacher for waking him up when he was sleeping in class. BTW, he’s Italian.
• Firestarter – He set a sewer drain on fire near his school on the way home one day.
• Girl, Interrupted – She brought a knife fashioned out of a brush and a razor blade to school, and it fell out of her hoodie when she bent over to pick up a pencil she dropped. She needed it “to cut myself and for protection against those crazy bitches in my p.e. class.”

3. The Devil Wears Purple was absent on Thursday. It was a relaxing day without her 5, 861 radio calls asking if I was busy and could come by her office to ask me some lame question she could have asked over the radio in the first place.

4. Although Brit Brit was a hot mess at the VMA’s Monday night, I am McLovin the new single “Gimme More” so much that I downloaded it as my new known callers ringtone.

5. And speaking of Brit Brit, check out this Nickelbackesque spoof:

6. I put out 13 students for disciplinary infractions on Friday. I’m a badmammajamma. Zero tolerance for violence and ignorance. One of the incidents was with one of “the specials” also known as the “Mad Spitter.”

7. OJ Simpson is the lead story on the local news for the last two days. The next lead story might be “Cajunvegan Did It” if I have to hear about his stolen memorabilia one more time.

8. A chain-smoking lady who resembled Bea Arthur and smelled like my dead uncle’s house mowed down a student on his bicycle in front of school yesterday morning. Luckily, he just had cuts and bruises. She was cited by the police and wouldn’t even put her cigarette(s) down long enough to fill out a witness statement or to sign the ticket. I lost count at 8 cigs. Damn, I’m glad I don’t smoke. What a filthy addiction!

9. September 15 is my friend RDW’s thirtysomethingth birthday and the unusual holiday known as Felt Hat Day. I hope he is celebrating another year on this delightful Planet Earth with someone he loves. Happy Birthday and Felt Hat Day, Rob!

10. For shits and giggles, I’m getting a brand iron with CV initialized.

It’s still August 31, so this is officially my 300th post. I have nothing profound or funny to add to my post from earlier tonight. I just remembered what I said here and had to post one more time to make the official 300 before September 1st.

You can click this entire sentence to turn the page to my very first post.

The archives are all about me and why I march to the beat of a different drummer. Click away if you are new to IRBB, but be nice or leave. Thanks, Scarlet Hip, my new separated at birth blog friend who pimped my blog on her own “I’m not worthy” blog earlier today. What began as an avenue for me to vent privately has evolved into a very public (but still anonymous – yay!) avenue to spread the word according to Cajunvegan.

And, finally, as a brainy brunette beauty, I lurve me a funny blonde joke:

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
Last year’s hide and seek champ.

Objective of the day: Students will be able identify the United States on a map.

Not only am I a Southern belle and an educator, but I am also a former pageant girl. I think they go hand in hand. This is a poor representation of “girls raised in the South” and the American education system.

I have to admit that this was damn funny, and I did watch it more than once. I guarantee that the 86.3% minority population at my school (a large portion of whom have been in the country less than 5 years) can find the U.S. on a map.

It sounds to be like she may be the illegitimate love child of our illustrious leader, Umm-Dumb. Or, she could be the daughter of the parent who wrote on her daughter’s supplementary health card that she had Several Palsy.

You should see my To Do list. I forget every year how hard it is to get back into the swing of things. School does not start until August 27, but I feel a hint of the burn. I am going to stay focused, positive, and proactive this year. I spent the greater part of the summer researching productivity in the workplace. I am really excited to share some of my new philosophies in the blog. I am determined to start delegating, to stop procrastinating, and to getting the promotion I deserve.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a “drop off.” (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on.) On your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you .

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star (below).
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

One of the teachers at my school sent an email out over the staff chat advertising that she planned on instituting a “swear jar” for each period in her classroom for the upcoming year and rewarding the class with the fewest coins at the end of each quarter. I totally support encouraging students to make more appropriate word choices, but I do not believe in discouraging students to use profanity by allowing them to pay to swear. Besides, it opens a whole other can of worms in the realm of the life of a school disciplinarian. How long do you think it would be before I would be calling school police for theft and/or referring a student to an alternative program? Obviously, this will NOT happen if my administrative team feels the same way I do (which I think they will), but I found this “bleep”ing hilarious video to share.

In addition, it should be noted that I do believe that educators are sometimes the only moral compass students have in their daily lives. I think it is important that we continue to lead by example. Model it; don’t reward it.

If you live in a tent in the woods and don’t know by now, it is hotter than a hoot ‘n’ poot in Las Vegas this week. And, if another of my friends or relatives in the Deep South says “But it’s a dry heat,” I am going to throw a blood clot. Personally, I am waiting for a cooling trend of less than 110 degrees. Needless to say, I have not ventured out of the house nor away from a book, my laptop, or the TV very much. Obviously, I have way too much free time this month from the linky-links I’ve assigned to my last few posts.

Perez Hilton, one of my fave celebrity bloggers, has a regular entry entitled “If You Are Easily Offended.” Readers are further tempted with the line: “Then don’t click here.” When readers click on the “here,” they are transported to something controversial in the world of a celebrity, which is usually a compromising or NSFW photograph.

So, in the spirit of the self-professed Queen of All Media and while I … sarcasm alert … conserve energy and make a difference by watching up to 24 hours of the Live Earth concert on TV today, I am going to post my own version of If You Are Easily Offended. Let’s call it the Lucky Number Seven Edition, as I will give seven (7) official bulleted items.

IF YOU ARE …

… EASILY DISTURBED, then don’t click here. Forewarned is forearmed. If you are curious, click on some of the names. Sadly, once I clicked on Camille (top left column), I couldn’t stop until I had clicked over 20 names. How aberrant am I? Maybe I shouldn’t ask that, and maybe you shouldn’t answer it.

… A NEWLYWED, then don’t click here. Yeah, and thousands of people were hoping to improve the statistics by marrying on 7-7-7. HA!

… NOT A NEWLYWED, then don’t click here. We married couples have some interesting conversations. I just want to know why he asked her if she had any “used bras” in the first place. Well, having a husband of my own maybe I don’t want to know the answer to that question.

… FEELING SOUTHERN TODAY, then don’t click here. This GRITS also loves Deborah Ford’s column at Y’all.

… DRINKING LIKE A WINO, then don’t click here or here. And, the comment posted is true: “I’ve never tasted a white wine like this before.”

… STALKING ZACH BRAFF, then don’t click here. ZB’s got his own kickass blog and is dating Drew Barrymore, too.

… RIDING THE COTTON PONY, then click here. Wait, it gets better if you click here, too. Al Gore would be proud. If you are BB, RJW, or another male reader, I am giggling hysterically and maniacally with all my female readers right now.

Purposefully, I am adjusting the post time to 7:07 PM for this entry … that karma thing and all.

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1956 – Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack’s rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 – School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1956 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jason won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1956 – Jason sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 – Jason given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jason has a disability.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1956 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 – Billy’s Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy’s sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1956 – Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1956 : Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006 : Pedro’s cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can’t speak English.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed

1956 – Ants die.

2006 – BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1956 – In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

This was forwarded to me from Booger Bear. He so gets my job.

This chocolate sacrilege was found here. Click for hours of blasphemous fun in honor of our Lord and Saviour. Look for the one with Jebus as a Hobbit exiting the hole in the shire.

No, I really do not have entirely too much free time on my hands. I’ll be the one asking WWMD (What Will Machbyrd Do) when I am still writing annual teacher evaluations which are due this week at 3:00 in the morning on Monday. Do you think my sweet Jebus will answer my prayers by helping me find a way to stop procrastinating and get focused for once?

I’ll leave you with a joke instead of my almost hysterical despair:

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter, “Where is my father?” But St. Peter says he doesn’t know.

He asks the archangel Gabriel, “Where is my father?” But Gabriel doesn’t know.

He asks John the Baptist, “Where is my father?” But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. “Stop!” Jesus yells. “Who are you?”

“Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son.” Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? “Tell me of your son, old man.”

“Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know…”

“Father!!!!!” Screams Jesus.

“Pinocchio!!!!!!!” yells the old man.

… because I just realized that St. Patty’s Day and April Fool’s Day are both on weekends this year!

Dude, this seriously rocks when you are a disciplinarian in a middle school. I am stoked.

… had two alcoholic beverages within the first 45 minutes of coming home from work today.

In the immortal words of Chris Tucker: “’cause it’s Friday; you ain’t got no job… and you ain’t got shit to do.” What other reason did I need?

… I met Olive on CU today.

The Terrorist could use a little sistah. I think “Olive” would be an appropriate name because I would love her … get it?

… Rebelicious

Everyone in Las Vegas has Rebel Fever.

… my favorite Flavor of the Month reveals her artistic/comedic side in a second blog.

Check out her disclaimer. I think it is hilarious that a nun has to add a disclaimer on her blog.

This one might take a while so you may want to make yourself a spot of tea or click next blog.

• To the beotch cat who pees on the hallway carpet daily: Pack your litter box. You are out of here. I am sick and tired of opening my front door to the unmistakable aroma of Pekoe piss.
• To KDW and RJW: If you want a beotch cat, you can have her. I’ll even give you permission to let her live outdoors. Hell, if the coyotes want to make her their lunch or their bitch, they can have her crazy beotch ass.
• To the Devil Wears Purple: I’m sorry you were ill the last two days, but I so enjoyed the vacation. You might want to get some antibiotics. God forbid that you are sick for more than a couple of days in a row.
• To my lovely friends at Syzdekistan: He’s beautiful. Take care of yourselves. I hope to meet your latest progeny soon.
• To the pollen: GO AWAY! I’m miserable! It’s only March 14 (Happy Pi Day, BTW) and looks like this will be a long ass spring and hot summer.
• To the single white female campus security monitor I attempt to supervise on a daily basis: Don’t talk on the radio ever. You have the most irritating voice I have heard since my Sybil’s. No wonder you have two ex-husbands. Also, don’t wear shorts again until you get some sun or use a self-tanner. I so understand why you are a SWF.
• To the single black female campus security monitor I attempt to supervise on a daily basis: You have already received a written warning for your daily tardiness. Stop having babies and get to work on time.
• To Booger Bear: I love you to the sky, but I need you to … nevermind, too many things to list right now.
• To my sister: Hang in there. It’s almost over. I am so proud of you.
• To my parents: When did you become so mean? Get a clue. They are your blood.
• To my “festive” neighbors: Hey, when did you finally take the lights down? I have been too busy to notice.
• To my other neighbors: If that moving fan is a meth lab, I am so snitching on you to the po-po. Move it or lose it.
• To the young lady (and I use that term loosely)wearing the BeBe tube top under your open sweater at lunch today, don’t shake it like a Polaroid picture. It was not flattering at all. You may want to even consider breast reduction surgery when you are a little older.
• To the Gideon people: Thanks for honoring the separation of Church and State today by meeting students on the sidewalk. It was heartwarming to hear “Jose” ask for three little orange bibles so that he could give one to each of his little brothers too when he got home. I guess they aren’t all gang bangers after all.
• To the American Idol stylists: Leave Sanjaya Malakar’s hair alone. If he survives another week, I also hope he just comes out of the closet.
• To Paula Abdul: Have a little rum with your Coca Cola.
• To the Terrorist: What is up with your obsession with cat turds, rice cakes, and carrots? Yes, these truly are three of his favorite snacks in the house.
• To the W’s again: Seriously, you really can have her. She would fit right in with your growing hamster family.

And, last, but certainly not least:

• Note to myself: You finally made the appointment. Hopefully, they won’t take you away.