the biggest problem with being in california is that when i feel alone at night, there’s no one to talk to. all of my friends are in bed. and tonight i feel so very lonely. i’m trying to find something that will make me feel better on the internet, but it’s just emphasizing the aloneness. i think i’ll go to bed.

It is time to cool myself down, I really have been one selfish son-of-a-chip in my life in that I have not really bothered to relate with people in my life.  This shows in my blog, too; I have been ranting on my own problems and you don’t see how this could affect your life.

I still have a lot of problems in my life, of course; such as (finally I accept this, and SOMEONE will read it as a sign of weakness!)  lack of success with women, lack of interpersonal skills and a general lack of appreciation of what I do right.  I chose very early on in life to improve in other areas, and now I pay the price.

Do you consider yourself a Genius?  Do you have unrivalled talent in any area of life, making you a level 51 in a room of level 10s?  Are you so far up the chain that no-one can really relate with you, despite you and them being so similar in so many ways?

In fact, to save me  explaining this to minute detail when it has already been done-to-death, here I present to you two poignant articles which will point you there if you are lost:

• 5 Things You Think Will Make You Happy (But Won’t)
• Why Intelligent People Tend To Be Unhappy

If you do consider yourself a genius, you will almost certainly know how it is bury your head in the cogs of your inspiration because you feel so hopeless at being human.  You will also know what kind of fury you feel when people try to take these things away from you because it is somehow unfair to have talent and that means being punished by having no friends.

So to all those who can understand my position in life, you may not hove your girls, friends or even any thanks; but mark these words:

“The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone” Henrik Ibsen

LSL

I spent most of Christmas, alone, at home, with flu. No time to mope though. I have reports to craft, things to do, mountain of feeds uncleared, bills unpaid, mail unread.

]]> http://obsidian8.wordpress.com/2009/12/26/inside/ Sat, 26 Dec 2009 05:48:33 +0000 Will http://obsidian8.wordpress.com/2009/12/26/inside/

Sometimes I wish I could eviscerates myself like a sea cucumber.  Get all the darkness inside out of my body.  It’s like being on a mad see-saw.  From day to day (sometimes minute to minute) I go from feeling good to feeling bad.  Back and forth…back and forth…back and forth.  One day I think I have it figured out and then I turn around and find out I’m farther away.  The Buddha was right–life is suffering.  I must learn to let go of myself.  Let go of my fears.  The key to freedom.  Meditate for the good of all.  Doubt may be the greatest barrier.

Santiago has gone home to Ecuador, leaving me boyfriendless for twenty-some-odd days. I miss him an unbelievable amount, and it’s only been three days so far. It’s hard not being near him, kissing him, sleeping on his chest, touching him while we talk and smelling him and looking at him and seeing the way he looks at me like I’m the best thing ever made. Those are things even modern technology can’t replace. Santiago is the only person or thing on Earth who can keep me calm and safe and happy all at once without doing anything at all.

I am looking forward to time alone, though, to days spent reading in coffee shops and revisiting places with my friends. I am looking forward to shopping and sleeping in and, a little, almost, not quite, looking forward to learning how to sleep alone again. But there is a part of me who would prefer to spend all of that time in his arms, kissing and touching and smelling, and the worst part is that, when that part takes over and I can’t help but cry and hurt and feel nauseous, I am alone.  There is no one there to hold and bury my face in and cry to, there is no one to convince me that it will be okay, no one who can kiss it away or make me laugh until I can’t cry anymore, no one to touch my hair and my sides and my lips and my neck and make me feel like I’m a part of him, too.

But alone is important. I can do alone, I did it for almost nineteen years, and, after all, the word I prefer is “independent.” So I’ll do alone until he comes back and then I’ll do both, both Catie and Catie & Santiago, which is better that just one or the other. I’ll learn to feel good with both, and hopefully he will too, and then we’ll be even better than we were before.

Also, I’m in Boston and it’s Christmas and it’s nice here, but I can’t wait to get home to Philadelphia, to my little bed and my cat and dog and my hometown places, which all feel warm and soft in my mind.

I touched on this briefly in my last post. Loneliness.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m the more social one in the relationship. My DH has his core group of good guy friends, but they’re pretty much spread all over the US and beyond at this point. And at the very least most of them have married off if not started a family. And because he’s from out east originally, all of his family is out there as well. I know this has been a source of loneliness for him. Not having many local friends, and while there certainly are pros to living far away from family…in times of need and hardship, it sure makes things easier to be closer. So I really feel for him in both of these situations.

See, I’ve never really left my home town. Sure, I went “away” to college. A whopping 1.5 hours south of where I grew up. I *almost* moved to NY, and *almost* traveled abroad to Italy once, but *almost* is as far as both of those went. This means that for better or worse, my family is close by. And almost all of my friends are within a 30 mile radius. The natural progression seemed to be high school, state school for college, then move to the city to live it up as 20-somethings, before settling down, getting married, having kids and (most likely) moving to the chicago burbs. Sure there are a handful of people who buck the trend and move out of state, don’t have kids or never actually live in the city “on their own”—but I was not one of them.

I also happened to acquire friends along the way at every stop in my life. Which means I have a lot of acquaintances, and a handful of close friends. I was the VP of recruitment at my college sorority. I love throwing a good party, I’m the queen of “keeping in touch” and things like facebook make that all the more possible.  I like just about every environment I’m in to be somewhat lively, social and “fun”—even when working very hard at the tasks at hand.

My DH and I have often joked about our opposite traits in this area in the past. But this area of being so seemingly “different” has proved to be a lot more similar than I think even he realizes.

Sure, I have friends, and network, and keep in touch. I love my facebook and groups and parties. I traditionally send christmas cards to about 200 people (none this year, thank you very much) and tend to thrive on this kind of social interactivity. But when it comes to mental illness, and the things he and I have been confronted in the past few years, I feel so very alone.

It’s true I can share with friends and some family what’s been going on. But at the end of the day, they don’t truly understand unless they’ve been there. And because it’s such an ongoing illness, I start to feel like a broken record. I’ve found a great group of moms online that I met on a birth board when I was pregnant with my daughter, and unfortunately for them, they seem to get the brunt of my venting and sharing…because they’re safe. They’re amazing women, very supportive, have wonderful insight…and they will probably never, ever meet my husband (though I do hope I get to meet them at some point!).

But in times of confusion: feeling like I should walk away from my marriage one second and clinging to it the next. I’m feeling like I’m stranded on my own little island. Because at the end of the day, only I know what I should do. I’m the one who has to make the decision. I can’t look to anyone else. And the very person I want to talk to about all of this…is the one person who is at the heart of all of the issues in the first place.

I guess I feel like not only have I lost my husband along the way, but I’ve lost my best friend. And I miss him more than anything. Which adds to the loneliness. Or maybe is the cause of it. Either way, I’m tired of feeling alone. And knowing he feels the same.

Because at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many or few friends we have…we’re still missing each other.

I am spending my first Christmas alone. Who can be ready for that? No one, really, even if they are expecting it. I found out pretty early on that going home wasn’t terribly likely. Snowmaggedon was upon us again.

But Christmas alone, just isn’t Christmas. I went to Christmas Eve Mass instead of having it said in my living room. I had frozen food for lunch and dinner. I saw Sherlock Holmes. Alone. (Great movie, though. And I definitely think there will be enough interest for them to produce the sequel that they’ve already admitted wanting to make.) I completed my application to Washington State University. I talked to my parents. I watched the best James Bond movie ever.

Yep, pretty much feels like a normal day.

Except I don’t always get told I’m on the naughty list.

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.

The journey is difficult. There is nothing easy about it. I mean my journey has been semi hard. But when I hear and think about other people’s testimonies… OH MY DANG!!!!!  Sometimes it’s like … why God…? Other times it’s like … oh my dang a lang God! This is ridic! What the heck is your plan?!?…

Either way… it isn’t easy. It’s really hard when you’re like

… okay…this hurts… what’s your answer God?…

….okay God. it still hurts… it’s been a long time… will you please answer me?

…. dude. God. mas rapido por favor. what the heck is going on?!?

But it’s the right road. We’re diamonds being purified. He brings out beauty from the ashes. And makes us as gold purified as these flames. He never said it’d be easy. But we deserve hell. I’d rather keep going on with this… than the alternative… just saying. God gives us a relationship through this all. God is with us through all of this. God is still God. Through ALL of this.

When we can’t hold on anymore, He carries us. He is glorified in our weakness. He gets glory when we fall short.

I don’t want to live a lie. I don’t want to live alone. I want to live Life.

He remembers us. Even when we can’t see Him. Even when we can’t hear His voice. Even when we can’t feel His presence. He’s our anchor. I don’t want to wear masks to hide what I’m feeling. The storms raging in my soul don’t have to be covered up. Because He is glorified in them. We can be us. We can be real. We don’t have to wear a happy mask. We can be honest. We don’t have to act like everything is alright when it so isn’t. I want His Joy.

I’m not sayin’ I’m perfect. I’m everything but. Everything but. But God saves the day. Constantly. Every single thing I do wrong, he makes right. Everything I do wrong. As long as I repent, He forgives me of all that I do that separates me from Him. And there is A LOT that separates me from Him. I’m impure and He’s the most Holy. But He washes me clean when I ask.

He takes away our yesterday chains. Our today chains. And any future chains that might entangle us. He purifies us after we walk this really difficult road. He blesses us with Himself. It’s so worth it. So dang worth it.

Yet so dang difficult to walk through these storms. But we ain’t alone. Ever. We are never alone.

I choose difficulty. I choose the pits with the lions on the snowy days. That’s when God works His miracles.

struggle-roaded with joy,

coop

D'ya Remember Jem? Will I Ever Forget (side b)

I’d very much like to welcome the Skytec vinyl player to the Fallon household. She’s a gem. You take a 7″ vinyl, give her a spin, and via Audacity – there it is. An MP3 file. Put the song in your pocket, put it on Youtube, do what you will- you have it now. Brilliant.

So this morning, the younger lad finds Santa left this thing. A few hours later, and I’ve already hijacked it.

The ‘Official Millenium Single‘, on 7″ vinyl, has been sitting in my room for some time now. My Dad built up a great collection of 7″ traditional vinyls, ranging from the likes of Planxty and Jim Page to one off oddities like ‘The Magnificent Seven’, a rushed out propaganda type tune about the seven prisioners who escaped from the Maidstone in Belfast. All these records offer interesting historical insight. What better place to start however, seeing as this is a “Dublin blog”, than with the Millenium Single of the capital, issued in 1988 by K-Tel.

The Official Millennium Anthem- Performed By The ‘Band Of Dubs’

The Record

Performers list:
Paddy Moloney (Chieftains)
Maire Ní Bhráionáin (Clannad)
Leslie Dowdall (In Tua Nua)
Maura O’ Connell
Mary Black
Finbar Furey
Johnny Logan
Jim McCann
Christy Moore
Paul Brady
Colm Wilkinson
Ronnie Drew
Shay Healy
Tony Kelly
The Dubliners
The Fureys/Davey Arthur

While Side A, a performence of ‘Molly Malone’ does nothing for me, Side B is absolutely fantastic. A spoken word performance from the late Ronnie Drew. Witty as ever, I recommend you give it a listen. It’s amazing this 7″ hasn’t found its way online before now.

And the day we went to the Phoenix Park
To look at the deer and sit in the grass.
And you held my hand and asked for a kiss
But I wouldn’t give in, cause I knew it was a mortal sin.
And then you said you loved me and promised a ring.
Do you remember Jem? Do I remember, will I ever forget?

SIDE A: Band Of Dubs- Molly Malone

SIDE B: Ronnie Drew- Jem

Of course, with a large enough collection of vinyl, the dad couldn’t originally be entirely sure of the backstory on this one. The back of the 7″ however notes that “All royalties from this single go to ALONE” ALONE is a “voluntary action group” that was founded by Dublin firefighter Willie Bermingham. By this logic, I presume it was through the job that this vinyl arrived in the household originally.

In the Dublin Fire Brigade museum you can find a great piece Willie wrote about himself hanging on the wall, which I’ve always considered one of the best examples of Dublin wit I’ve laid eyes on:

Joined the Dublin Fire Brigade in 1964 and spent a long time pushing for the pension. Favourite food, good old irish stew and lots of fish. For breakfast – several mugs of tea at work. Also loves to eat lots of red tape to teach the bureaucrats a little manners.

Classic. So anyway, give this 7″ a play. Side B in particular.

Lastly, if you have a copy of the complete album ‘Official Dublin Millenium Album: Dublin Songs’ issued by K-Tel (cat no. Dub1000) on vinyl, get in touch!

Now run off to Tower Records to nab yourself a Skytech Expect plenty more posts like this in the coming months.

ALONE still exists today and can be found online HERE

So, last night I was going to live stream the special Music Bank. I was super excited. Then, my dad decided he didn’t want our guests screwing with the settings on our wireless and disconnected our internet. This I did not know, so I just thought something was screwy. The result, no live stream. Lucky, we have youtube! All the gifts have been unwrapped (I got a serious killing this year! All sorts of kpop goodies! Win!)and it is time to go through the footage!!

First up, battle of the boy bands! Allkpop asked if the combo stage of Beast and MBLAQ could beat the Dirty Eyed Girls. I loved this stage, but honestly, nothing can beat the Dirty Eyed Girls. Still, their combo tribute stage to the hottest songs/dances of the year was amazing. They danced to SNSD-Gee, Son Dambi-Saturday Night, Suju-Sorry Sorry, 2PM-Again&Again, 2PM-Heartbeat, and the Brown Eyed Girls-Abracadabra. I have to say, I have a major weak spot for hot boys dancing girl choreo. So, well. I’m happy. lol. During the Son Dambi section, man, Jun Hyung looked HOT!!! And then Hyun Seung looked super hot during Abracadabra! Oh mo mo!

MBLAQ’s performance of GOOD Luv. (Better this time, more powerful) With a little help from Beast.

And Beast’s performance of Mystery. Okay, all of the guys look soooo freaking hot! I don’t know if it is the outfit or something the stylists did, but the look FINE! All of them!

Oh man! That end combined dance break… HHHHHOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!

Okay, wow, taking some time to pull myself off the floor…..

Since I’m not an SNSD fan I’m not going to post their performance of Gee but here is SNSD, f(x) and SHINee sing Jingle Bell Rock and it is super duper cute!! Dubu with a rudolf nose! Win!

Wah! Super Junior ftw!! I really like their remixed version of Sorry Sorry, more than the Sorry Sorry Answer. It stays true to Sorry Sorry, but gives it some great new twists!! Win! It was so great to see them perform live! I miss my Suju!! They looked so fine and Eunhyuk’s dance was as on point as I expect from him! So hot!

Insanely fast rapper Outsider performed Alone featuring Song Joong Ki. It blows my mind how fast this guy can spit out those words. It is crazy! And, man, both of the guys look super smokin!

Hwanhee and Kim Tae Woo sang Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas and Santa Clause Is Coming to Town. I have to say, I love to hear my Koreans singing in English, it is my first language after all. So nice!!

Side note: The MC’s look super duper cute in all their Christmas outfits!

2PM performed AAA, Heartbeat and Silent Night!! So nice! I love these boys!! And I love the Heartbeat ending, but thought the Silent Night was kind of creepy… Still, 2PM Saranghae!

Okay kids, that is all for now. I hope that you enjoyed Music Bank and I also hope that you are having a WONDERFUL Christmas! Saranghae!!

I’m not really sure how it happened exactly but here I sit, on Christmas, with my family in the other room and I’m waiting by my phone hoping that he can find a minute away from her to wish me a Merry Christmas, to say he loves me, to say how much he misses me etc. But I know he won’t, because he’s with her. And he says he doesn’t love her, but ultimately, she is the one he is with on Christmas.

As a side  note, this post is outside of the context of my ongoing story on this blog, which I sort of lost track of once that man left and this new one, who has a girlfriend, entered. (I really know how to pick them don’t I?)

So to get back on point though, I’m the other woman and I don’t know how this happened. Again. I’ve been here before and vowed I would never go through this again. So here’s the long story short: This guy with the girlfriend had a thing for me years ago and I never gave him the light of day. Just recently, we ran into each other. Still didn’t give him the light of day. BUT I have this neurosis you see where a man tells me he’s leaving and suddenly, he becomes very very attractive to me. So this guy calls me one day and tells me he’s joining the army, and suddenly I think he’s the hottest thing ever, invite him over etc etc etc. Now, when he’s not with his girlfriend, he’s in my bedroom telling me how much he loves me and wants me to be his army wife and he’s going to leave her, he just needs the money she owes him and blah blah blah. But I’ve been here before, I know they never actually leave when they say they’re going to leave and I know that if he did leave, it would probably take all the thrill out of our current tryst. So here I am, on Christmas, trying to figure out how I let this happen again.

Honestly, I was fine with it and having a lot of fun until last night a friend called me. She was crying and told me she had just broken up with her own boyfriend. I asked her why. She explained he was cheating on her and she described the situation. It sounded just like my situation, only I was like the other woman, the girl who the dude was cheating with. I felt terrible to think that somewhere, another girl, just like my friend, is going to be hurt because her boyfriend is cheating on her and I will be partly responsible for her hurting. And that feeling sucks.

So I am alone, and feeling horribly guilty, and on top of it all, there isn’t even any alcohol left here in my parents’ house. *sigh* Well, Merry Christmas everyone, I’m sorry if that was a downer of a post on a day like today but I feel better to have gotten it off my chest. Time to go put on a pretty face, smile and enjoy more family time. I truly do hope that everyone is having a good holiday!

Sometimes life is ironic, and sometimes irony just kind of finds you–and in my case, I think I look for irony.

Because nothing is ever simple and straightforward for me in my relationship with Mistress–Thanksgiving she ended up being alone as I at sort of the last-minute ended up with a packed car making a three-hour drive to a cousin’s house–kind of my inability to say no to my mom.

This Christmas holiday I am bouncing between my house and the hospitals as I try to keep the spirits of my kids up while their mom is hospitalized.  This morning at the hospital came a whole situation where the girls watched their mother refuse treatment in a very weird manner.  And here I am alone with the girls, trying to work them through it.  Understanding what its like to be alone for the holiday.

Mistress headed out to PA to be with the family of a friend, and I don’t begrudge her because while I am here with the girls, when she is alone, she is alone.

During our last fight, in an almost taunting way, Mistress told me, “And I have a date for New Year’s Eve.”  And again I don’t begrudge her that (and as it turns out Mistress and I will end up being together in some sort of strange setting for New Year) but sometimes lonely takes on many faces-and it’s not one size fits all.

Alone and together with an Yin and Yang–holidays are an interesting time of year.

I’m beginning to think I’m a regular, boring person after all. I have this strong urge to write and it’s not that words and ideas aren’t coming to me, it’s that they’re all so boring that I myself have no attention span for any of it.

Oh wait, aren’t all blogs, especially sonny blogs, full of boring crap?

I was thinking the other day that I go through these spurts where I have SO MUCH to write about and get out and process and analyze and seek advice on, and then it’s like I burn out and just have no interest in writing. Life marches on and it seems that I’m caught in this thing where I’m too busy living to stop and think, much less write, about any of it all. Or when I feel like taking a moment to put it all in writing, it’s too much of a blur to capture it all in any meaningful way.

But hell, I’m here.
Mainly my little nephew, it’s the words that amaze me. He’s doing that thing where he repeats everything you tell him, testing new words out, repeating them over and over until he’s comfortable with them. There is a questioning tone in his voice when he first tries a word out, but as he grows more accustomed to the word, it becomes less questioning and more imperative.

He has an impressive level of enthusiasm over his new words, most of which he shouts out, his excitement so acute sometimes that his voice is squeaky, high-pitched, the words almost choked out of his tooth-less mouth.

And there is, too, the repetitiveness of the words. As he learns a new word or phrase, he asks me, over and over again, about.

 
And I love it. I love every syllable, every lisp, every shriek, every discovery. This uncle hood thing keeps opening my eyes in new ways. So that even the boring is ultimately wonderful to me. He has grown a little cranky these days because his grandma not keeping well and thus the everyday change is difficult to adapt.

So comes today, I am home alone dreadfully waiting for the sun to show so I could be with mom during her surgery. The night is boring and I wish I could be with mom before the surgery commences. I know all will be fine and she’ll be hope walking on her own feet. These everyday changes have thrown me, down in the dumps. A peaceful quiet home changed into a hall with hundreds of guest, this is driving me crazy. I hope this phase progresses fast. I can hear swishes everyday that I am not responsible and a heavy burden on mom and dad, thus people are just feeding me with grass, I shall attack soon… Good Luck Sweet Hearts J

ひとり by Mika Nakashima

1.) ひとり (single version)
2.) ひとり (album version)
3.) ひとり (endroll version)
4.) ひとり (instrumental)

Released: June 8th, 2005 ~ Highest Chart Position: #15 ~ Total Sales: 26,275

ひとり is Mika’s 15th single and her 1st re-cut single. ひとり is a track from her MUSIC album. The single version was used in a video game titled DRAG-ON DRAGOON 2.

ひとり (single version) is vastly different from the album counterpart. Instead of starting out with a faint piano, we get strings right away. I think I liked the piano better because it established a great atmosphere. But the strings are nice nonetheless xP But then the thing I dread the most comes in. It’s soft-rock instrumentation with a BASSLINE. WHY JESUS!?! WHY?!? Anyway, Yeah the instrumentation is really different. Reminds me a lot of 火の鳥. Mika’s voice from the original album version just don’t fit with the soft-rock stuff going on in the background =/

Thank goodness ひとり (album version) is here in it’s amazingly awesome originalness! You can go ahead to my MUSIC review to see what I said about this song ;D I wrote like a freaking paragraph just on it! Mika just did so well on this track, and I wish that this was the theme song for that video game. Rather than the single version D:

ひとり (endroll version) could have been released by itself and would have had me gasming! It’s just an orchestra of strings playing out the melody of ひとり. So you can probably assume how much I love this track I love the part at around 2:20 however! It gets really dramatic and I just fell so hard for it XD This track is amazing. I guess I’m a stan when it comes to strings =P

ひとり (instrumental) is the instrumental for the single version. So you know that I do not like this instrumental xD I would have preferred the album version.

ひとり was a nice re-release. The album version and endroll version would have been better by themselves though. I just did not enjoy the single version all too much =/ But yeah, album version and endroll version save this single for me xD <3

A-

Omg.

I just realized I had this blog running… it’s been like more than 6 months since I wrote anything on here… lol.

Shit. I never finish anything! Bahhh!

So like reading back on my old entries… I know I talked a lot about diet issues… and yeah… I weigh 155lbs now! I lost like 10 pounds… which is relatively good no?

Also I would like post photos of myself and such on here but I think I’ll be moving my blog soon… because it’s like under someone elses name and I don’t really want to bother with it later on if it causes any complication.

Oh, oh! and I don’t know what to update coz nothing really happened… I went to the ER because my grandma had a bad stomach ache and thought she was ganna die or something. She’s almost 90 but mentally she’s good for another 10~15 years. I know I’m being a little fucked up but I truly believe that she’ll live on, so yeah.

During her stay at the ER I don’t know what happened but I got sick as well and had the worst stomach ache in my life. There was this cute doctor who took care of me but damn it! he saw my petty granny underwear(you know you wear them too ladies!) while examining me.

Anyway yeah… plus I had a colonoscopy… kinda? The doctor said it was a MRI but that fucker lied! Like my boyfriend was beside me while I had the interview and once we got to the clinic we were like WTF?! because we pacifically heard it as MRI.

So.. what choice did I have? Cause I paid for the damn thing already.. and thought it wouldn’t hurt, right? I had to take some funny looking medicine and BAM! I knocked out. Lol! But, my bf says he heard me whimpering/screaming while I was medicated. The scopy thingy poked my stomach and FUCK! it hurt.

Finally after me sleeping for like… 3~4 hours we got the result and turns out I had GERD… ): eww right? We left a little relieved cause bf was mad worried about me and me too. Still, til’ this day I have pain and like constipation/nausea…, etc. Probably go to the hospital again for a checkup since I finally got my cover insurance meaning I don’t have to pay anything! Unless I need an operation but the insurance company is suppose to pay back after. Bloody Koreans and their trust issues. In US the insurance just pays for the operation if I’m right. I never had to go through this hell there so ieruno.

Ehh… let’s think… do I have any more update? hmm. Oh! Today is Christmas!!! and I’m spending it alone!! ): Reason is because I’m going to where my bf lives next week and we’re trying to conserve our money.. LDR is mad hard. So much money into it.

In addition, my phone broke & my laptop as well…!! Which is another downer coz the phone is worth $600 or so… and I
(more like my boyfriend) still have to make payments for it.. so no phone for like a month now. For the computer my bf bought me a netbook as a replacement. He was planning to get me a laptop anyway so cool right? However he became broke afterwards because it was suppose to be spent on my X-mas gift but.. yeah. So no more presents for me!! ):

So much freaking crap going on…!! I was ganna mad complain about my relationship with my boyfriend and some updates on traveling/moving back to the states thing but maybe next time. I think I’ll post up more shit about what I am doing in Korea and some celebrity gossip I love!

One wish though(since it’s xmas and all).. I wish for my boyfriend to be as passionate as the first time we met or as the rise of our relationship… somewhere along those lines, yeah.

Cool! Anyway, I’m off to bed.. it’s 12:01 here… so day after christmas! I have a exam in 4 days and did not prepare what so ever! Quite worried.. yes.. quite.

P.s.- I don’t know why but I go to “sleep” at 12 but I don’t “fall a sleep” until 3/4 in the AM. Mmm…

It’s Christmas Morning! I didn’t do a Christmas-themed Otto. I didn’t see the point in it. But I think this sums up the holidays quite nicely. I send Wintery Greetings and a wish for a little well deserved happiness and love to all Otto’s faithful blogfriends.

mr. winter – the maine
2 am on christmas morning. gonna be a good day.

—

this is for everyone who feels like they are alone this christmas.
i know it’s hard to look up.
this time of year is the hardest when you feel like you’re alone.

but it’s christmas today.
and i realized that this season, i lost sight in what was truly important.
i looked closer at what i didn’t have rather than what i did.
it’s hard… but now i know i have to keep in mind the reason for the season.

for all the lonely hearts out there tonight, you’re not the only ones.
you don’t need someone else to bring you happiness.
you can be happy all by yourself.
hang in there.
remember, there’s always someone on your side.

this christmas, i’m finally starting to realize that there’s more to life. so i have to go out and find it for myself.
it’s cold outside, but i refuse to let my heart become as cold as the winter air.

this will be a good break. i can feel it. one more week until this year is gone forever. good riddance..?

this time around, i’m keeping my priorities in mind and having more faith in what i can’t see.

please be good, mr. winter.

merry christmas!

“let no man imagine that he has no influence. whoever he may be and wherever he may be placed, the man who thinks becomes a light and a power.” -Henry George

i’m sick of seeing engagement/wedding rings and or pregnant bellies. it just reminds me how lonely i’ve been. i may be “young” but i’m old enough to find someone to love aren’t i? besides, i’ve learned that age has a whole lot to do with nothing.

on to my poor dog. we took her back to the vet when she started collapsing (not seizing) and it turned out her heart rate was waaay low. it wasn’t keeping a steady beat and eventually, (last thursday actually) we had to put her down. her heart was going to fail her and we couldn’t handle putting her through pain and having to find her dead…so we had to say goodbye. i was an absolute wreck. everything reminded me of her. it’s only been a week, but i feel like i’m getting back to normal. last night i had a dream. i was getting ready for work in my house just like any old day, but my dog was running around the house all happy and normal just like she used to. and all that kept going through my head was “she’s here but she’s not here”. it was like a broken record just repeating over and over through the whole dream.

i had to send my macbook in to headquarters for all sorts of different issues on monday and i hadn’t been able to use it before that because my charger cable broke. so i’ve basically been without a laptop for a week which truly sucks. welp i finally got it back today and guess which picture happened to be the desktop background when i opened it up for the first time in 9 days? thats right, my baby girl with the christmas bow on her head that you all have seen (previous post). it kinda hit hard after the dream…and the card…

work is going well. learned how to open today. you’d think customers would be a little nicer considering the fact of christmas but no. most of them were grumpy and aloof. except for the large irish family who left us a $10 tip after ordering $35 worth of food. thats a lot of money

and by the way if you’re reading
(you know who you are)
i doubt you care enough to read
but if you happen to be stopping by
know that i want nothing to do with you ever again.
you’re selfish
you’re wrong
and i know you’ll never change
so keep inside your perfect little world
and keep the rest of us out of it.
merry christmas

Days like this make me sad.  Yesterday, Christmas Day, was a nice one but now here I sit at home at the end of the day … about 1:30 am and I’m just sad.  Sad that I don’t have my own family.  I mean, I have siblings, nieces, nephews, etc., and they all love me and I them – but I don’t have my own little family.  I miss that.  I never had kids but I do miss having my own home and a husband … and all the traditions we created over the years.  I miss decorating the house and cooking my own turkey dinner.  I really do.

Now I’m the relative who travels on her own.  Going to family gatherings alone – all the time.  I know they love me, even like me – that’s not what I’m talking about.  And my family doesn’t have traditional expectations of me, I know some people whose families are always after them to get married, have children, etc. – my family is not like that.  They accept me, don’t put pressures one me, and basically understand me.  So I’m very lucky that way.

But even knowing all of that … I’m still just feeling sad.  I find I feel this way about 5 days of the year, usually around big family holidays.  Oh sure, I feel sad at other times … but this type of sad is different.  It’s the sadness of not having made different choices in my life.  The sadness of not wanting children when I was younger, the sadness of not having maintained a relationship throughout the years.  The sadness of being alone.

Anyway, I guess 5 days out of 365 ain’t bad.  But right now I have a feeling I’m in for a long night of shoulda, coulda, wouldas … and a few tears.  And maybe that’s okay.  Maybe it’s okay to feel that kind of sadness once in a while.