So, I was not looking forward to Thanksgiving in the first place… I made bread that did not rise enough and was a bit to “garlicee” and salty, the Pumpkin pie crust was great, but the filling a bit too spicy… However, people ate it
Anyway, I waited till about 5 to actually appear at my friends’ place. I did not think it could actually be fun, I really thought it would be horrible, boring and awkward, but it was good. The food and the games and the fun. BUT I binged and purged. I do not know why. I did not really eat too much there, but the piece of pie and the ice cream were a suboptimal idea at almost 12pm… I went home and binged… and purged… ridiculous. Why? I promised my nutritionist that if I would do that I would not work out at all during the entire weekend because it is too dangerous for me. But I eventually went running on Sunday and to the Gym as well… which could be acceptable if I hadn’t had another slip-up Saturday night and again. Ridiculous. I had a great day. It was a beautiful and sunny day. My friend’s friend took me out for a Harley ride and it was simply amazing. But home alone I slipped. I made pancakes and all… binged and purged the food I still had and wished again I had not done it.
It is so difficult to get away from it. I wished I never had this illness. I wished I was normal and had real problems… ruining my health is really self destructive and I am scared to die, because I am finally coming back to life. Which is painful, because it shows me how many people I have been hurting and lost to Bulimia.
I need a new start. Again. But again just tonight I slipped again. 3 times in 5 days. Wow. It’s been a while.
I think there are many factors:
a) stress
b) that professor
c) feelings about Cedar Springs
d) stuff I have to do (paperwork and such)
e) making decisions
f) friends (here and abroad)
g) alcohol/spendings = other addictions
h) men (the ones I am dating, the one I lost, me realizing that I can actually chose, that I do not have to take whoever shows interest, weird isn’t it?)
i) the future

–> I am simply scared and yes, b/p relieves me if even only for a little while.

And Yes, I want to quit, but it is just not as easy at it may sound.

I think I think about my body image, on average, a couple of times every hour I’m awake. I think about it when I get dressed, when I look in the mirror, when I go to the bathroom, when I see skinnier friends, when I see bigger friends, when I see an old picture of me, when I see skinny customers, when I see a celebrity, when I see someone of the opposite sex I find attractive, etc. That’s a lot of things. It’s a real bummer.

It’s so irrational I’ve thought things like, “If I met Johnny Depp, he’d probably think I looked like a cow.” When in realty, I’m never going to meet Johnny Depp, and if I did, he’d have no reason to find me unattractive, and even if he did find me attractive, it’s not like he’d fall in love with me! I WORRY OVER MY WEIGHT BECAUSE I MAY JUST SO HAPPEN TO BUMP INTO JOHNNY DEPP! That’s SO STUPID!

Anyway — I don’t know how many times I’ve rambled on about how unhappy I am with my weight. How many times have I said I was going to exercise? A billion. Anyone who reads this blog is probably sick and tired of it.

All I know is I DO NOT want to be at this weight. I just took some “modeling” pictures and I hate how I look in most of them. It’s really amazing how much weight I’ve gained. Don’t get me wrong — I’m at an average weight. I’m not fat. Not even chubby. I’m still slender but in my eyes — I’m “fat.”

My recovery is still going. Still going to program and still working the steps. Or at least trying to. My job is stressing me out — I think I’m going to give a two weeks notice in two weeks. I got another job as a tutor.

Sunday.

Karina drew in a breath of air and looked up at the purple sky that enslaved her. She crept across the parking lot, unmindful of the world around her, and plopped onto the passenger seat of her aunt’s car.

Why, why, why has my mood shifted?

Earlier that day, she was the embodiment of elation. She awoke that morning with a sense of optimism that lit up her dingy room. No strange compulsions. No exercise rituals. No nothing. Just the sound of birds chirping and the standard Sunday morning slothfulness. It would be a good day.

She sat straight up in bed, surprised that her ED was not ordering her to “get the fu** up!” and caught up on as many blogs as she could before her tummy outcried.

“Breakfast time,” she sighed with a smile daubed on her face.

Karina danced down the stairs and greeted her family with a warm hello…. that is, until her father argued with her about why alcohol could be legal but not marijuana. Why this topic was brought up? She had no idea.

1 packet instant oats cooked in Celestial Seasonings gingerbread spice tea, hemp milk, 1 packet of Alive! vanilla soy protein powder, and nutmeg/cinnamon/pumpkin pie spice. Topped with 2 tbsp. almond butter, 1 oz. pumpkin seeds, and maple syrup.

Despite the petulant and unnecessary quarrel, breakfast proved to be a success.

Karina bolted back up to her room and chose to fritter away her time on YouTube…. where she came across the undercover Rainbow World Exotics PeTA video, revealing the true conditions of the poor animals bred at this massive animal breeding mill, which is one of PetSmart’s suppliers.

As a strong animal lover, seeing the environment those defenseless creatures lived in just to be sold in a pet store brought tears to her eyes. She decided to visit the PeTA website and inform herself on what other companies continued to mistreat animals and test their products on them… the results blew her away.

She hurtled to her desk, pulled out her Strawberry Shortcake notebook, and produced a list of stores and companies she would no longer be a customer of. Among the list were PetSmart, Lowes, Neutrogena, Olay and Aveeno products. She promised to finish whatever animal tested products she had, since the damage of purchase was already done, and then revamp her body care/cosmetics collection with new, cruelty-free items.

They don’t deserve it! (R.I.P. Cosmo <3)

************

At around 2:30 P.M., the sun played a game of hide-and-go-seek with the people it once warmed. It was chilly and humid outside, with a grey tone that seeped into the houses and hearts of innocent folk… one of those folks being Karina Pinzon.

Her stomach felt like a skunk had sprayed in it, slapped it with its tail, and then sprayed it once more.

“This stinks,” she moaned as she stared into her refrigerator. Nothing enticed her.

But just because her stomach felt sick did not mean this meal could be an “ED Freebie.” There are no cheaters allowed in recovery!

She measured out 2 tbsp. of hummus with 8 Triscuits as an appetizer, then made a high calorie meal replacement shake:

1 c. hemp milk
Jay Robb’s vanilla whey protein
1/2 c. blueberries
2 tbsp. Maranatha peanut butter

A stinky concoction (I don’t know why it smelled funky?), but a delicious one.

Karina still felt sick after lunch, almost depressed, but ignored her body (bad!) and went to the mall with her mother and aunt.

At the mall, everything around her felt wrong. Everything around her felt doleful and hopeless. Her stomach wailed and wept, and her heart sniffled and sobbed… but she had no idea why. Eventually, she asked her aunt to take her home because she just couldn’t bear the shopping center any longer.

She ate her snack on the way home, tears on the verge of bursting, and tried to dig deeply inside of herself: Why am I so sad?

1 Vitabrownie with Oikos Greek yogurt.

When she polished off her snack, it all became very clear to her.

“You didn’t exercise today… you really shouldn’t have eaten that.”

“I don’t need to exercise every day,” Karina replied to the gravelly whisper. “I am supposed to give my body a rest.”

“Now, who told you that?” it scorned. “Your nutritionist?” It let out a boisterous, grating laugh.

“As a matter of fact, yes. And she knows a hell of a lot more than you do.”

“Well, that doesn’t change the fact that you still have that copier running amok. You better watch your back, and your weight, or she may just be better than you.”

Karina lumbered her feet onto the pavement and pounded up her driveway, afraid to choke on that rapidly swelling lump in her throat.

Once her front door slammed shut, she leaned against it for a moment to catch her breath. She wiped a tear off her cheek, wormed up to her room, and read the previous night’s blog comments. They put a smile on her face and she tried to believe the beautiful words as best she could. Karina began to write up a new post, but eventually the dejected feelings crept back in, interrupting her writing.

After a while, her family pulled the morose adolescent out of her bedroom, and dragged her to Jason’s Deli for a meal. After her nourishment, she played the Sims, ate yet another snack, and went to bed.

Monday.

Sanura, the Siamese cat slinked onto Karina’s bed and rubbed her nose against Karina’s forehead.

“Baby!” Karina beamed and nose-rubbed her back.

Hunger gamboled inside of her, as usual, so she placed the cat on the floor with heed and cooked up another bowl of oats, as usual.

1 packet instant oats mixed into chai tea prepared in hemp milk, chai tea Spiru-tein protein powder, and cinnamon/nutmeg/cardamom/ginger/pumpkin pie spice. Topped with whole almonds, sunflower seeds, cottage cheese, 2 tbsp. peanut butter, and blueberries.

After breakfast, Karina reminisced of yesterday’s gloomy spirit. She was proud of herself for not restricting, but was still shocked at the effect this new girl had on her. It was ridiculous, but there was nothing she could do to solve the matter. She could never tell someone with the same problem as her to stop copying her. It seemed too cruel and Karina’s heart was too big to hurt someone.

“Oh, kind, kind heart,” Karina sighed. “You owe me one for brushing this off.”

The End. My apologies for the very unclimactic ending.

~~~~

It is 1:12 P.M., I am in a relatively good mood, and I can not wait until 5:45 P.M when I leave for ballet class. I need to dance off some steam. I had two dreams last night, one of them was wonderful because I was with two of my favorite people (Maya & Eliza) and the other one sucked because my teeth hurt and my mouth would not close. I have no idea what the significance of that is supposed to be, but something tells me that it’s not a good foretelling. Yes, I am one of those people who believes that dreams hint at the future.

I am going to take a shower soon, eat my mother’s three-bean pasta for lunch, and strive to make this a good day. So far it has been alright, so I have hope!

Strive to make your days wonderful too, yes?

Love you all.

P.S. Listen to Staggolee by Pacific Gas & Electric. I always like to pretend that I am Staggolee and that Billy DeLyon, the hangman, and the devil are ED since Staggolee is so badass that he wins in the end. It is a nice, motivational scenario, isn’t it?

Tillbaka igen från en trevlig fika-dejt!

Det är så sjukt kul att träffa folk som man inte har träffat på så många år. Alltid lika spännande att se om personen är sig lik och om man fortfarande funkar bra ihop.  I detta fall var allting precis som vanligt, superskönt för jag var rätt skakis innan ska jag villigt erkänna…

Vi slog båda till på blåbärspajen o så lite vaniljsås på det. När vi suttit en lång stund så slog det mig plötsligt (som det brukar göra när jag utmanar mig själv) hur glad jag är som trots allt har styrkan och kraften att då och då rycka upp mig och fortsätta göra sånt som verkligen betyder något. Jag menar om jag skulle ha sagt nej till träffen pga att det skulle innebära en fika ihop så vore jag mer än lovligt dum. Det är sånt man förstår först efteråt.

Jag skulle ha gått miste om den här underbara människans positiva energi, roligt skvaller, alla komplimanger och alla skratten (hans humor är helt sjuk, men jag älskar den!). Jag lovar er, jag kan nästan känna hur en särskild del i min hjärna vaknar till liv och liksom stimuleras på något mystiskt vis. En hjärndel som har fått stå tillbaka för anorexiatankarna och inte använts på jättelänge men som väcks till liv när jag träffar och umgås med människor som är viktiga för mig.

Jag tror verkligen på att ett skratt förlänger livet. Därför är jag också övertygad om att jag kommer dö tidigare än många andra pga ätstörningarna eftersom det så sällan har varit att jag kännt genuin glädje och inte haft något energi över i olika situationer för att kunna avgöra vad som egentligen är roligt – skulle den friska Anna i vanliga fall ha skrattat här?! Men att skratta är ansträngande och därför låter vi anorektiker hellre bli. Kroppen går på sparlåga och den lilla energin vi har över använder vi till att tänka på mat. Stört och sorgligt på samma gång, eller hur?

Och som ni vet så fikar jag faktiskt vaje dag med mig själv men jag kan lova er att det är stor skillnad på att fika med en god vän eller att sitta ensam hemma och göra samma sak. Det är en jätteskillnad, pajen blir så mycket godare med sällskap och hjärnan stimlueras och du tänker inte fokuserat på “nu ska jag äta paj, ja nu tar jag en bit, en bit till, en liten till…” utan det blir så självklart och normalt när du har en frisk person framför dig som du liksom kan “tjuvkika på” och “härma” för att påminna dig själv om att vägen tillbaka till ett friskt liv inte nödvändigtvis måste vara en lång väg.

Det kanske bara handlar om en liten rörelse? Ett beslut. Ett avslut. Dvs ett litet kliv över det svarta hålet? Du avgör nämligen själv hur komplicerat du vill att det ska vara att hitta tillbaka till ett friskt liv igen. Jag tror att man kan göra det svårare än vad det egentligen är eftersom det sitter i ryggraden att det SKA VARA SVÅRT att bli frisk från ätstörningar (det är ju det alla säger, läkare, dietister, diverse “experter”, etc). När alla säger en sak är det lätt att man gör det till en sanning.

Vad är sanningen för dig? Bestäm dig på riktigt! Jag är på god väg och idag tvivlar jag inte en sekund på att jag kommer bli helt frisk. Det är så underbart att veta att när jag till slut kommer att vara där så kommer jag kunna ha sådana här dagar varje dag. Inga matritualer, inga mattider, inget krångel, inga speciella maträtter eller andra konstigheter. Jag kommer kunna träffa vem jag vill och när jag vill.

En fika är mer än bara mat för magen. En fika fördjupar din sociala förmåga och ditt sällskap kommer uppleva dig som en varm människa när du orkar engagera dig och intressera dig för personens tankar och åsikter. Testa vettja, du kommer inte ångra dig! Tänk inte kalorier, tänk istället personlig utveckling och stimulans för hjärnan. Detta är också viktigt men lätt att glömma bort eftersom du inte kan se och ta på det på samma sätt som kroppen. Det är mer abstrakt än kroppen som du kan se, mäta och klämma på. Just därför får du inte glömma bort att även de värden som du inte kan mäta och väga med blicken också räknas och viktigt att kämpa för.

Du behöver fika och umgås, det är jätteviktigt!

wow. i really havent been on in a while. school is just WAY too stressful!!

everything is getting in the way. i wish is was normal or thin enough. iv been havin to eat more lately just to keep my energy up for school and what not.
my therapist said it was a good idea to do homework with friends, so i have been. but when ever my friends come over i always eat a lot. like upwards of 1200 cals for that day.
i still havent told my therapist about my ED, i dont think i plan on it either.

i got a psychiatrist and i am now on anti-depressants along with the ADHD med i was already taking. iv been on the antidepressants for about a month. and i secretly stopped taking them about a week ago. it made me feel “not me”. and when i told my therapist about it she said i would have to be on trial with them for about 6 months before she made a decision on whether or not to take me off them. i guess its really not my choice anymore. but when im happy i eat more and then i want to be skinny but i cant bring myself to do it because im “happy”. and then when i did stop taking them i was losing weight again. i could finally see some of my bones. it had been so long. but then thanksgiving came, but that another story. i guess i just wanted to update everyone about how im doing. im still about 106-105 these days. not very happy about it.

might post more later but it have a LOT of work to do for school. i hate school -____-

27 years on planet earth and no ones kicked this woman off yet, throwing my heels and purse behind me. That’s kind of an accomplishment yeah? I’ll go with yeah. “They” (those that are “they”) say 27 is a hard year. I spoke with one of “they” a 34-year-old dude who was in my evening religious studies class in college. He said, “27 is a hard one. You start evaluating what you thought your life would be like and what it is. More often than not people are disappointed with what it is.” Nineteen and naïve I asked, “Why?” He said, “Well you find that things you wanted to accomplish in life are a lot harder to accomplish than you thought and maybe even you’ve missed your boat to success.” My thoughts at 19? “Lose the windbreaker old man and I’ll buy you a shot with my fake ID…you need one.”

 But, in all honesty when I turned 27-yesterday morning I did wake up with an “itch”. A discontentment if you will. I would like to pawn it off straight to my father for repeatedly telling me over the past 4 months…”You gotta get pregnant HonestChitChat! Women who have children after 30 have a higher risk of developing ovarian cancer. I am worried about you getting cancer. (He lets out a dramatic sigh of dissaproval and scratches his head as if I have passed my itch to him… like this…cute huh? )I am worried about you getting cancer. Leave it to daddy to put, cancer, sex and mortality all in the same sentence. Then there’s that AMAZING children’s book I wrote that’s been rejected from 5 publishers….the writing career I’m sitting on….the charity that’s taking a gazillion years for me to start up with the articles of incorporation sitting in a lawyers office…the fact that I don’t have a “career” but starting today 4 part time jobs….and no home boy to say, “honey I’m home!” to. My itch is turning into a rash.

 Cause like what if there really is a bald spot on the back of my head that’s grossing out potential suitors, that no body is telling me about? What if my writing is just more Internet commotion adding to the loco motion? What if my inability to focus in an office environment of fluorescent lights and wear khaki pants and collared shirts 4 days a week keeps me in 4 part time jobs with no health insurance! OMG! I feel the need for an anti-biotic. What kind of freakin’ life is that right?…I guess it would be my 27 year old life and ya know, now that I think about it….. that ain’t so bad. I mean I’m not advocating no health insurance (BTW Obama baby…make it happen) But, I am saying there comes a point in all of our lives that we need to take full responsibility for our birds nest and the twigs that it is. (I’m still itchy!)

 When I was a little honestchitchat with pigtails and white pinafores I used to take loooooooooong drives all over the place with my mom and dad. One day we were driving in Downtown LA. (Where when I needed to go to the bathroom they would pull over, grab a newspaper to cover my caboose and tell me to go in the gutter of Sunset Boulevard, but that’s another story) I started getting nauseous from the up and down from the potholes in the street I asked my mom, “Why are they always fixing the streets in Newport Beach when they are already fixed and not fixing these streets? These streets need them more. My stomach hurts mom.” My mom laughed at my observation and looked at me in the rear view mirror and said, “Tax dollars cutie. The people in Newport make more money and are taxed more so they can put more money into their own city.” I replied, “They should share with LA!” Mom’s reply, “That’s not how it works.”  What I gather from that conversation is, my life, my surroundings are the result of how much time and work I put into my goals. No one else can change my life, but me. If I was to guess, I would say that the itch derives from the the thought, “Man I still have more work to do? When can I just move to Costa Rica, drink my pina colada, write for ½ the day and lay out for the rest?” Maybe the itch would have some reprieve if it got that super cool ointment called “Man I still have a lot of work to do and dude, I’m so excited to do it!” I will not focus on the destination; instead I will enjoy the journey.

I will not focus on the destination; instead I will enjoy the journey.

I will not focus on the destination; instead I will enjoy the journey.

I will not focus on the destination; instead I will enjoy the journey.

I will not focus on the destination; instead I will enjoy the journey.

I don’t know where my head is lately. Okay, I know where it is. It’s in the fat zone. I honestly cannot stand myself lately.. I havn’t worn jeans in two weeks because, ugh, I just feel SO unbelievably disgusting. And no matter how much I restrict, I feel like I eat SO much, even if it isin’t much. Or maybe it is. I can’t tell anymore. I’m so focused on the number on my scale that nothing else revolving anything can be made up clearly in my mind. And the sad thing is, I’m not getting thinner. I’m not gaining either, I mean, I still fit in my size 3s and 0s, I just choose not to wear them.

Tomorrow’s a fresh start. I’ll get my head back on track. With my school, and my calories, and my social life.
Tomorrow.

Well, things with J are going extreamly well. She’s a great girl. I really like this girl. There’s not many words to say, it’s just the feeling. It’s THE feeling. You know, the one where you know you’ll fall in love.

As for S, I’ve completely deleted her out of my life. Or actually, she did. I cannot believe how heartless she’s being after EVERYTHING we’ve been through. This was my first love, I was hers. Now she’s seeing this guy I went to school with for four years.. that she met through ME. What bothers me the most about this is that she dated me for a whole year. I feel like SUCH an expierement to her. Like christ. You don’t date a girl for a year if you’re NOT gay.
I’d like to say I’m over her. I am over her. What I’m not over is all the pain she caused me. Whenever her name is uttered, or the thought of her sneaks into my head, I get so incredibly bitter and angry. This girl royally fucked me over.

As for my father.. I feel as if I need closure. So often lately I’ve caught myself thinking of my father, and ways of getting conttact with him just to be able to hear from his own mouth that he does not love me. I’m tired of his MIA’ness. Wish he would just step up. I need closure. I just do. Nobody understands this. Everyone I Talk to about this tells me to just forget about it cause I’ll just end up being hurt again and they don’t think I can handle that once more. But, it’s so heartbreaking to not know WHY your father wants nothing to do with you. Especially when you’ve been in each other’s life for so long. This doesn’t just go for parents, this basicly goes for anyone who’se known someone for years and years, someone who’se been so prominent in your like and all of a sudden goes MIA. Ofcourse, you need to know WHY? I wish I could just get into his head.. I have SO much I’d like to say to him.. Most of it is nasty and hurtfull. But, I have to admit, some of it is pretty loving and forgivefull. As much as I tel lmyself (And everyone) that I have a bitter htred for my father and I do not want him in my life, I know I would welcome him back in it if he’d ask… Damn.

Well, this is the last week of class!! Then my first semester of my first university year is overrr! Woooh, only 3 1/2 more years and I’ve got a bachelor hehe, yay me!!

Gonna get going, Grandparents are visiting and I’m gonna go play some cribbage, wooh hooo :p

Amandah

This is the way we sign the books!

Well, my goodness, that’s the first two Brisbane launches of Willow Farrington Bites Back, under my belt.  The excitement and build-up surrounding a book launch is quite a deal more than I had anticipated.  Why?  Well it’s the reading you see.  Reading others a small piece of your heart, tends to make one a little weepy.  However, I made it through on both occasions with just the barest vocal quiver and did not wreck my mascara.  

The signing process is much more fun.  Signing a book for someone is a celebration.  It’s about anticipation, completion and renewal all in the one process.  Because authors can’t control the readers impressions, which are created by their own experiences and understandings, our writing, when we hand it to someone else for reading, changes shape.  It grows and morphs with every reading.  I can’t wait to hear about how Willow has been interpreted by readers. 

Of course the fun isn’t over yet, in fact it’s only just begun.  Tomorrow Willow and I will be interviewed by the lovely Bridgit from the Queensland Times newspaper.  Saturday the 5th (at three pm just in case you’d like to come) will be my book signing at my favourite Mary Ryans book shop in Orion Springfield.  You won’t be able to miss the staff or me, we’ll be the ones wearing tiaras and eating lollipops!

Then it’s off down to Melbourne on the 6th and Sydney on the 12th where the reading and signing process will hopefully be a little easier due to the fact that nearly no-one will know me (so if I’m awful,

Me reading to a crowd...much different from a classroom.

can fade quietly into oblivion).     The lack of peeps in the crowd will also hopefully mean less imbibing of celebratory alcohol, which may serve to keep the aftermath to a minimum.

While undertaking this process though, I have a few tips for beginners (like me) who may be about to embark on their own signing tour soon.

1. Don’t be shy.  Not everyone in the room knows you, but if they did, they’d all want to buy your book.  So say hello to people, find out about them and let them know you’re happy to sign their book for them.
2. Be visible.  Wear a colour, look like fun and you’d be amazed at how many people want to talk to you!
3. Bring your own pen.  Yep, I went to a book launch and forgot my pen!
4. Check spelling.  People sometimes spell their names differently to what you might imagine.  Check before you start writing.
5. Get a new signature.  Don’t sign your books the same way you sign your credit card receipts, that’s just asking for trouble. 
6. Have a contingency plan.  Sometimes technology fails, if it does, you should be ready to do a song and dance without the back up crew of powerpoint and slideshow.

Making friends and discussing writing...

That’s it so far.  I’ll let you know what else I learn as I go along.  Wish me luck!

Har ångest, över min kropp, för första gången på evigheter. Det riktigt kryper i mig och jag vill inte visa mig för nån, för jag skäms. Känner….äckel. Hade glömt hur det känns!

Ända sen jag kom hem i Onsdags har jag bara suttit still, i princip. Det enda jag har att göra, som jag gillar att göra, här ute innebär att sitta still. Sitta och rita, sitta vid datan, sitta och titta på film, sitta och plugga, sitta och övningsköra,  sitta och dricka kaffe, sitta och redigera bilder. Att fota är nästan omöjligt i skitvädret, att motionera är något jag knappt gjort för jag har väntat på mamma eller pappa att komma hem för en promenad eller löptur, men när dom kommer hem orkar dom inte efter att ha jobbat hela dan och jag vågar inte gå ut i mörkret själv. Den här veckan har jag inte heller jobbat, vilket brukar vara det som håller mig igång någorlunda. Fan, låt mig jobba mina två dagar den här veckan!!

Jag ser hur kläderna sitter åt, idag har jag ful putmage och låren går ihop. Jag vill inte ha den där kroppen jag hade i somras, jag vill ha den jag hade för två veckor sen!! Jag vill ha flytt. Jag vill flytta, kunna styra över mitt liv, träffa människor, dela saker med vänner. Jag blir tokig av att sitta här ute, för det är inte jag!

Nubbly.

Det är helt sant!

Jag tvivlar på att någon annan blogg har lika omtänksamma, kloka, smarta och intelligenta läsare som jag själv har.

Jag älskar när ni delar med er av era egna erfarenheter. Och som ni vet började min lördag riktigt dåligt igår. Jag hade ångest och föraktade mig själv. Äcklades av mig själv!

Men responsen på inlägget om att känna ångest över frukt var precis vad jag behövde höra. Det är sjukt och lite läskigt att vi alla fungerar på samma sätt. Det är såklart inte roligt att höra att ni också har problem med sötsuget och har svårt att hantera det men på något vis blir det ändå lättare att acceptera när man vet att man inte är ensam om det.

Under dagen blev jag dock så trött på att gå runt och vara irriterad och bestämde mig återigen för att maten inte ska få uppta så mycket tid av mitt liv. Gick därför och köpte hasselnötter och sesamfrön som jag rostade i ugnen när jag kom hem.

Efter kvällsmaten gjorde jag sedan en kaffe latte och bredde en dansk fullkornskiva med mjukost. Strödde över hasselnötter och sesamfrön och käkade alltsammans framför datorn innan jag skulle lägga mig. Blev rätt mycket nötter men jag hade ett skönt lugn i kroppen och sov jättebra hela natten. Skönt att se att kroppen faktiskt är villig att samarbeta, bara man ger den vad den vill ha så löser det sig.

Men visst, det blev mycket kalorier igen och det är jobbigt. När jag skriver “mycket” innebär det att dagsintaget slutade på cirka 2 500 kcal. Vet att det inte är mycket egentligen, rätt normalt har jag fått höra? Men som f.d anorektiker är det mycket mer kalorier än vad jag (läs: anorexin) är van vid och det är jobbigt att vänja sig vid det här. Jag tänker att 2 500 kcal inte  är normalt och att det är alldeles för mycket. Jag tänker att jag kommer utveckla bulimi och är en dumbom som inte klarar av svältleken längre. Jag är svag som börjar ge efter. Svag för att jag börjar bli som alla andra…

Men!

När jag skriver det här inser jag ju att det inte är fel att börja äta “som alla andra”. Det är friskt och normalt och det är så alla gör. Jag är inte svag även om anorexin försöker lura mig att tro det. Tvärtom borde jag vara jävligt stark som fortsätter käka på även fast att kroppen blir mjukare och jag allt oftare är lättirriterad. Jag måste komma ihåg att det inte är jag – Anna – som är irriterad utan det är anorexin som reagerar så starkt när jag inte gör som hon vill.

Jag har börjat välja livet igen och det är fan klart att det inte kommer bli lätt. Det vet jag ju egentligen om. Ätstörningarna har varit mina bästa vänner i åtta år så det är väl klart att dem inte kommer ge upp så lätt. Dem vill äta upp och döda mig.

Jag vill inte dö. Vill inte heller gå omkring och bara finnas till…

Jag vill känna att jag lever. Och det känner jag när jag äter!

La anorexia y la bulimia son trastornos en la conducta alimenticia, cuyo origen esta ligado a problemas psicológicos, emocionales. La anorexia es un trastorno que desarrolla, en la persona que la padece, un gran pavor a la comida. Les aterra. Les asusta porque piensan que al comer se convertirán en hipopótamo. Quienes sufren de anorexia también están obsesionadas con tener un cuerpo hiperdelgado, como de niñas alargadas. Por eso no comen nada o ingieren pequeñísimas cantidades de comida, que luego (por pánico a ganar peso) eliminan con intensas horas de ejercicio, purgantes y diuréticos.

¿Como se comporta una persona anoréxica?

• Se preocupa exageradamente por el peso y la figura.
• Distorsiona su imagen corporal: aunque este demasiado delgada, se sigue viendo y sintiendo gorda
• Le tiene pánico y fobia a la comida
• Se pone nerviosa cuando llega la hora de comer
• Tiene un miedo terrible a engordar
• Hace ejercicio obsesivamente
• Usa laxantes y diuréticos para no ganar peso
• Se pesa todos los días e incluso mas de una vez al día
• Se aísla
• No deja de sentirse culpable después de comer
• No deja que nadie le prepare su comida
• Tiene poca resistencia al frío

Y lo peor es que las anoréxicas no tienen un cuerpo perfecto.¡Para nada! Todo lo contrario. Porque, a pesar que quieren estar siempre flacas, el no comer tiene consecuencias muy graves en nuestro cuerpo.

• Cerebro y nervios: No puedes pensar bien, te pones triste e irritables, te falla la memoria y sufres desmayos
• Cabello: Se te cae el cabello
• Corazón: Tu corazón se pone muy débil y empieza a fallar. Disminuye tu presión arterial.
• Sangre: te da anemia
• Músculos, huesos y articulaciones: Tus músculos se debilitan y tus huesos se descalifican. Puedes sufrir fracturas espontáneas. Te duelen las articulaciones
• Hormonas: Te desaparece el periodo menstrual, tu cuerpo deja de crecer y tienes problemas de infertilidad.
• Piel: Se pone reseca y amarilla y se recubre de pelos muy delgados
• Te puedes morir

Welcome to my first book review, unsolicited by the author, my cousin through marriage, Nicole Barker.  What Mrs. Barker did ask me to do, as a Licensed Social Worker who works with teenage girls, was to see if the book could be used within my practice and whether or not, in my opinion, my clients would like to read the book.  I read the book and was inspired to write a review.   I have read none of the other reviews about Dancing with Ana.  Since I really don’t know how this is done, I wanted to be able to formulate my own opinion and offer it here, free of the bias of others.  There were things I really liked about this book, and things that as a social worker I didn’t.  The rub is I’m a little out of touch.  I don’t have children of my own, and the ones I do work with have deep end psychiatric and behavioral issues. Many of those issues are addressed in Mrs. Barker’s debut work of fiction, Dancing with Ana.

Dancing with Ana is about the life of Beth Baxter, a 16-year-old female from Florida who has what is presumed to be a fairly average middle-class life until her father abandons the family.  She is supported by her mother, younger brother, and three close friends, all of whom cope with life in a variety of ways.  Beth has none of the early warning signs of any sort of “troubled teenager.”  She was raised in a faith-based home, has plenty of activities, nobody does drugs, etc.  Her friends are fairly representative of the microcosm of society.  Melanie appears to have it all together, Rachel comes from a dysfunctional home and flirts with danger in her own way, and Jenny seems to float and follow.  Themes of young love, identity formation, and peer pressure abound.

The book itself is attention grabbing and the plot runs smoothly.  It has received great reviews from its target audience, the young readers who previewed it in pre-production stages.  It took me two nights to read it, only because life interfered.  As an adult I liked the throwbacks to my childhood, such as the Grateful Dead music and T-shirt that could easily be found in mom’s drawer or a trend shop.  Body image is an age-old struggle for young women, one that is more intense than ever in this media age complicated by the Internet.  It’s just not enough anymore to be healthy, affluent, smart and ridiculously athletic.

My critiques are relatively minor in comparison to the strength of the message of the book.  The strength of the message of this book is that everyone has problems, even if you’re leading a middle to upper-middle class life with perfect hair and wardrobe.   Have concern that my clientele may balk at the lack of diversity in the book.  They may on first glance see only that Melanie is “half white” and Rachel is “so white trash she has to cut to cope.” 

Mrs. Barker does an amazing job with the development of Beth, the main character.  Most of the supporting characters do just that and are likeable in their own right. This is certainly a book about girl power.  It concerns me, however, that Jeremy and Corey are a bit too perfect and Beth’s father is a bit too dastardly.  I further felt that Rachel’s dangerous coping skill of cutting was abandoned all too quickly and conveniently once her luck turned around.  In my experience* this is not an accurate portrayal and a widely misunderstood affliction by both the adolescents who suffer from it and the people who are close to them.  To portray the message that some good support will “cure them” could be an inaccurate message to send. Not to mention the author potentially cuts herself off from what could be an awesome plot device for a second book.  Rachel was definitely my favorite character of the supporting three!

Overall this was a great book.  I ran an eating disorders group a couple of weeks ago (unfortunately before the book came out) and the girls were able to relate to feeling fat in the presence of others, and feeling like it was ok to “do anything” to lose 10 pounds.  Most of them were far more willing to restrict calories than exercise more, and few saw the inherent dangers to their health, both mentally and physically.  I certainly plan to order a few more copies of the book to make available to anyone who chooses to read them, and suggest that parents read the book to see what their children are up against, and to use it as a springboard and backdoor for discussing important topics with their children.  I will certainly use excerpts from the book in the groups. 

As an aside, the book also highlighted teenage drinking, which I didn’t really get into in this review.  I certainly hope that Mrs. Barker will writer about this theme with the same clarity and honesty that she wrote about eating disorders in Dancing with Ana.  The same attention and detail would be a boon to the topic of cutting, a topic that parents tell me over and over they just cannot understand, and wish they could.  The current material out there is too clinical for the majority of those in need of understanding.  Books like this on these topics, written so that parents and daughters could read and discuss together would certainly be a gift and a treasure.

Here’s a thought…What a perfect holiday gift for a special girl or mom of a girl in your life!

Idag är jag så tacksam att jag har bloggen så jag kan få ventilera det här. Jag är så otroligt arg, sur och irriterad. Så himla besviken på mig själv!

Anledningen?

Återigen gjorde jag igår kväll precis det som jag har lovat mig själv att inte göra. Fattar inte att det ska var så jävla svårt för mig att fatta alltså? Why liksom?! Dessa jävla ovanor och rutiner som jag har skaffat mig! Fan, piss, jävla skit. Åt helvete är vad det är!

Scenario:

Jag är jättehungrig när jag kommer hem på kvällen och det är rätt sent (dvs längesen jag åt lunch). Steker lax och omelett som jag äter med bönor och avokado. So far so good.

Är mätt och belåten men känner att jag är sötsugen. Vill äta något men har svårt att bestämma mig för vad. Jag gör då som jag brukar (hatar att erkänna detta, tur jag är anonym här):

Jag skär upp lite frukt; honungmelon, äpple och mandariner. Käkar rostade majskorn till. Blir inte nöjd. Skär upp mer frukt, äter mer majskorn. Men vad fan, känns om att kroppen skriker efter ännu mer socker (but why?! Det är socker i fruken ju?!).

Fortsätter äta. Sammanlagt 500 gr äpple, två mandariner och ett x antal melonskivor + stor mängd med majskorn. Kroppen känns orolig och jag har svårt att fokusera mina tankar på annat än socker. Kommer på att jag har torkade fikon och Marabou Vinter i skafferiet. Gör en smoothie på lättyoghurt och lättmjölk. Dricker upp smoothien, äter fem fikon, en ruta choklad och en banan. Äntligen nöjd.

Kroppen och tankarna lugnar ner sig.

Jag skäms. Mår illa över mitt sjuka ätbeteende. Vet att det inte är friskt och normalt att äta de här mängderna på samma gång. Svär och slår på mig själv.

“Varför gör du så här? Din idiot! Nu har ju ju överstigit ditt kaloriintag igen med mat som du bara äter för att bli mätt. När ska du lära dig att direkt välja det som du verkligen är sugen på?”

Poängen här är att jag kunde ha ätit en stor kladdig chokladkaka med grädde och blivit nöjd. Istället är jag tvungen att fortsätta äta och äta men kroppen känner ingen själslig tillfredställelse så jag proppar i mig mer o mer frukt. Det är på det här viset folk blir “fruktfeta” gissar jag… man blir inte lika nöjd som man blir efter en mörk chokladkaka eller en skål med vispgrädde. Och det är detta som stör mig, jag kunde ha valt det som jag, Anna, verkligen var sugen på istället för att överäta av sånt som jag egentligen inte kände något sug efter.  Suck!

Har hellre lite ångest över att jag är onyttig som moffar i mig choklad och nötter (detta är ju friskt, sånt gör alla!) än att jag avviker på ett ätstört sätt genom att smälla i mig över ett halv kilo frukt utan  att bli nöjd. Får ju tokmycket ångest av det här och känner nu att jag vill svälta (=äta “ren” o nyttig mat) i flera dagar framåt. Som straff och för att kunna börja om igen på nytt om några dagar. Suck, jag hör ju hur jag själv låter. Hatar det här. Jävla ortorexi/anorexiamonster.

Hatar mig själv just nu. Detta ätbeteende är nämligen såååå typiskt för mig! Jag och min jävla frukt. Jag blir alltid sötsugen på kvällen och direkt efter maten. Varför? Vad kan man äta istället för att bli nöjd? Mer feta produkter eller vad är problemet? Vad är det för fel på min hjärna? Magen är ju mätt, varför känner jag det här sötsuget?

Vad gör ni andra?

Usch, det här var ingen bra start på dagen.

Fy fan.

I’ve been reading Marya’s book again. The last time I read it, it triggered me into a summer of long-term fasts (lost 20 pounds in 3 months), so I’m wondering what will happen to me now that “I’ve been rehabilitated.” It’s such a wonderful account of her journey. Those of you who’ve commented that you enjoy reading my stuff, I HIGHLY recommend you read this book. She’s a fucking fantastic writer. She’s a freakin’ phenom, and I aspire to be her one day.

I’m not in ana-mode right now. No. Not that I don’t want to. I’ve been back out on my own for several months now, but I’m still not entirely sure that I’m not being watched. But I can see the ana creeping back in. I’m back to my daily routine-making, gaining control. I’ve been having a bowl of cereal for breakfast (300 cals), a salad for lunch (440 cals), and a latte for dinner (260 cals), followed by 8-10 miles at the gym (950 cals) every day for the past few weeks. Some days work has gotten in the way, and I’ve had to switch to have the latte for lunch and the salad for dinner. And weekends are way harder when I’m out with friends. But for the most part I’ve been able to stick to it.

I’m not weighing myself. The scale is in the bathroom, and it’s a struggle in my head every morning deciding whether to look or not. I don’t want to know. I just know that I’m not even close to my all-time low weight, so I know I’ll hate myself and relaspe for sure if I look. I’m scared to look. But I’m dying to know. I hate myself.

A little bit of trauma in my life lately. Same boy who left me for “fat cow”, then broke up with her in November just shortly after I got sent away, then tried to get back with me when I got out… hasn’t talked to me for about 3 months. I was ok with that. Until last week when he randomly decided to call me up for dinner, only to let me know that he’d met another girl and he’s going to marry her. (SFX bomb-drop) Not that I ever really expected to marry him, but shit. Who decides to marry someone after only 3 or 4 dates? Apparently he does.

So yeah, that’s been a little bit triggering. Had a helluva 11-mile run at the gym that night. But unfortunately that tipped me over the edge: I twisted my right hip and it’s been aggravated since, keeping me from going to the gym the past 5 days. So trauma is just that much more… shitty.

I hate this life. Why do I bother to persist?

Dying to be Thin

After a very stressful few weeks, and a very naughty weekend, I am feeling quite… (how shall we say) unqualified to fit into my skinny jeans this week.

So, now that I feel like a lot of the heat has let off, it’s time for a good old-fashioned FAST. Just a little one, to see if anyone notices. It’s 6 pm here on the east coast, and I have a party to go to tonight, followed by 2 auditions tomorrow, and another party tomorrow night. Evenings are usually my gym-time, so without an outlet for my persistent anxiety, I feel like I’d rather control my food intake if I can’t get a grip on my energy output.

To keep eyebrows from raising, I’m going to try to keep pushing the fluids, keeping a drink of some kind with me at all times, to give an illusion of intake. However, I will try to keep these calorie counts down as well. Mostly water, maybe a little bit of VitaminWater, a sip or two of soymilk for breakfast, and coke zero if I MUST have caffeination. But no food. Until at least midnight tomorrow (Monday night).

I’m already anticipating the high!! And looking forward to telling ya’ll how it went. God, I hope I get away with this. Depending on how it goes, who knows what I might do after this?

Who’s fasting with me? 30 hours food-free! Let’s do it! Think beautiful thoughts, girls! XOXO!

We had to write a review of a non-fiction text for English, so here it is -

Eli’s Wings, written by Elizabeth Best, is an autobiography about Best’s fight with anorexia. She has a pretty ‘normal’ childhood, but everything begins to go downhill when her parents divorce. Elizabeth doesn’t know how to cope, so she reverts to drugs. After a series of other misfortunes, such as the death of her childhood best friend, she eventually is diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. Then, as the story progresses, Elizabeth is diagnosed with the eating disorder known as anorexia nervosa. In the end of the story, Elizabeth manages to overcome her condition and resumes a normal life, and becomes Eli – the girl she always wanted to be.

I quite liked this book for several reasons. For one, the story is obviously very touching. It’s an uplifting story of a girl overcoming the worst thing that ever happens to her. There is something for everyone in a novel like this. The other major reason I enjoyed the book is the fact that anorexia is becoming a huge problem for young girls in society today and it’s very interesting to have a first-hand perspective on what it’s like to be affected by such a condition, and the major mental effects it has on a person.

But for other reasons, I strongly disliked this book. The writing I found was pretty bad, with Best using too many adjectives, and over-writing everything. She says she adored cooking for her family at that time in her life, and “loved to watch them happily enjoying the little delights I had created”. She over-dramatizes, and extremely often uses one-sentence paragraphs. She often leaves out important information, and then adds it in later on. She totally discounts the fact that she was sexually abused as a child, and then skims over it in just four paragraphs near the end of the novel. Another reason I disliked Eli’s Wings was because Best’s writing causes a feeling in the reader that almost nobody survives anorexia, and that Best was so very lucky. It is true, it’s lucky she survived her condition considering how bad it got for her, but many people do survive, and Best’s is not a particularly significant or amazing case.

That is the main reason for my leaning to dislike this novel – it’s a little too full of itself. Best has created a book that she hopes will be extremely individualistic, but there are a few hundred autobiographies across the world about dealing with anorexia, and each story is basically the same – girl tragically contracts a potentially deadly condition, girl either dies or more often miraculously pulls through. This is not an original story. And if Elizabeth Best really felt strongly about wanting to share her story, I felt it overall required a lot of editing, and she probably should have focused a lot on that when she was writing. Although it is uplifting, I found Eli’s Wings to be too dreamy, and waffles on too much.

I did not particularly enjoy Eli’s Wings, and I would not recommend it to many people. 

Comment and tell us what you think about Eli’s Wings!

Hey, people! We had to write a review of a non-fiction text for English, so here’s mine -

Eli’s Wings, written by Elizabeth Best, is an autobiography about Best’s fight with anorexia. She has a pretty ‘normal’ childhood, but everything begins to go downhill when her parents divorce. Elizabeth doesn’t know how to cope, so she reverts to drugs. After a series of other misfortunes, such as the death of her childhood best friend, she eventually is diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. Then, as the story progresses, Elizabeth is diagnosed with the eating disorder known as anorexia nervosa. In the end of the story, Elizabeth manages to overcome her condition and resumes a normal life, and becomes Eli – the girl she always wanted to be.

I quite liked this book for several reasons. For one, the story is obviously very touching. It’s an uplifting story of a girl overcoming the worst thing that ever happens to her. There is something for everyone in a novel like this. The other major reason I enjoyed the book is the fact that anorexia is becoming a huge problem for young girls in society today and it’s very interesting to have a first-hand perspective on what it’s like to be affected by such a condition, and the major mental effects it has on a person.

But for other reasons, I strongly disliked this book. The writing I found was pretty bad, with Best using too many adjectives, and over-writing everything. She says she adored cooking for her family at that time in her life, and “loved to watch them happily enjoying the little delights I had created”. She over-dramatizes, and extremely often uses one-sentence paragraphs. She often leaves out important information, and then adds it in later on. She totally discounts the fact that she was sexually abused as a child, and then skims over it in just four paragraphs near the end of the novel. Another reason I disliked Eli’s Wings was because Best’s writing causes a feeling in the reader that almost nobody survives anorexia, and that Best was so very lucky. It is true, it’s lucky she survived her condition considering how bad it got for her, but many people do survive, and Best’s is not a particularly significant or amazing case.

That is the main reason for my leaning to dislike this novel – it’s a little too full of itself. Best has created a book that she hopes will be extremely individualistic, but there are a few hundred autobiographies across the world about dealing with anorexia, and each story is basically the same – girl tragically contracts a potentially deadly condition, girl either dies or more often miraculously pulls through. This is not an original story. And if Elizabeth Best really felt strongly about wanting to share her story, I felt it overall required a lot of editing, and she probably should have focused a lot on that when she was writing. Although it is uplifting, I found Eli’s Wings to be too dreamy, and waffles on too much.

I did not particularly enjoy Eli’s Wings, and I would not recommend it to many people.

Comment and tell us what you think about Eli’s Wings.

anorexia |ˌanəˈreksēə|noun

a lack or loss of appetite for food (as a medical condition).

• (also anorexia nervosa |nərˈvōsə|) an emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat;

compare with bulimia .

ORIGIN late 16th cent.: via late Latin from Greek, from an- ‘without’+ orexis ‘appetite.’

“What better way to spend Thanksgiving than with family?”

Ever heard that rhetorical proverb? Well, how about 22 members of someone else’s family?

The neighbors invited us (my actual family and I) over for a Turkey day get-together. We felt rather out of place among strangers. Mom got jittery being a guest, doing nothing–you could practically see her holding herself back from helping the hostess. Kind of funny.

Also funny that the food was stone cold. Why the hilarity? Well, one of the neighbor’s family members took absolut control of the kitchen. When we came over, the house smelled like hot food. My brother joked with the man: “Wow, it smells awful in here.” If looks could kill, my bro would be dead. Dad tried to cut the bread that he’d brought over. Kitchen-man was over his shoulder the whole time.

Then, after all the effort Kitchen-man put into making the layout of the food absolutly perfect in his minds’ eye, an hour had passed and everything was cold. Irony.

Overall, though, it was a fairly good day. I started out with a fruit salad (1 whole apple, 1 whole persimmon, blueberries), a homemade protein muffin, and the rest of a jar of pb (about 1/3 cup). A few hours later, I felt so sick I could hardly stand. Napped for 2 hours, then took an Advil and headed next door.

At first I thought there was no way I could make it over. Of all the days to be sick! I told my mom I was feeling crummy, and she gave me the disbelieving look and said, “Come on, Katherine.”

It’s so frustrating being sick and having an ED. My parents won’t believe when I’m sick–they think I’m faking to get out of eating. What sucks is that I’ve never faked sick to avoid meals. It’s just one of those stereotypes that I’ve been pinned with because of ED. Life’s a b&*%.

The Advil helped, though, and I tried a little of everything. For once, I didn’t worry about calories, nutritional value or fat content. I just ate what I wanted to. Despite the chilly weather and food, it was liberating.

After a bit, the family and I went AWOL to walk the dog, came back to the neighbors’ for desert. I’d had a bit of mom’s pumpkin pie before the walk. After, I pretty much had a second dinner. 3 servings of mousse cake, 1 smear of lemon cheesecake, 1 dollop of some other cakey thing, then 3 pieces of pumpkin bread. I hit the cold bar again, too, for a repeat of sweet potatoes and veggie/lentil medley.

So, I pretty much had 2 dinners. Did I count cals? Nope. Did I exercise after? Nope. Just watched some tube with my folks, stretched my stiff muscles and went to bed on time (for once!).

I was so proud of myself for not calorie-counting that day, and eating again even though no one would have made me. I just hope that showed my parents (who’ve been wary lately about ED alluva sudden) that, at least for a day, I was capable of being ‘normal’.

I need to consider the extra nutrition as a way of giving thanks to my body–for being strong for me even when I deprived it and made it work harder than any body should–and to my parents–who have managed to remain loving and caring despite my self-destructive yo-yo for 4 years. What else am I thankful for?

-That it’s sunny today

-That we have coupons to Evos (omfg yesss!)

-That I have a room, a bed, a roof over my head

-For my brother, who’s been my rock since day 1 of life

-For Beauregard, our little dog with a little tail and a big personality (and name) to compensate

-For the friends that still talk to me

-For the friendships that have passed but remain fond memories

-For the wide variety of teas in the world, warming me on cold mornings

-For exercise, which despite the usual connotations, has kept me sane and able to quell anorexic thoughts

-For rest, which is sort of like a supernatural phenomenon–rare and wonderful

SELF poll reveals 65 percent of American women are disordered eaters

inmagine.com

SELF’s groundbreaking survey reveals that more than six in 10 women are disordered eaters. Another one in 10 has an eating disorder. Find out if you’re at risk and how to get healthier, starting today:

Michelle Marsh, 32, of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, seems like the perfect dieter. If you ran into the 5-foot-1-inch, 103-pound marketing specialist checking food labels for calories in the supermarket or powering through one of her seven weekly workouts, you’d envy her ability to control her intake and burn off any excess, too. But Marsh, who had her first baby nine months ago and is now below her prepregnancy weight (“I’m the tiniest I’ve ever been!” she says), could be the poster girl for an unrecognized epidemic among women: disordered eating.

No, she doesn’t starve herself to an unnatural weight (like anorexics) or throw up daily (like some bulimics), but she doesn’t seem to have a healthy relationship with food or her body, either. “I spend about half my time thinking about food and meal planning,” she says, although her meals don’t require much planning — she usually restricts herself to the same foods every day (oatmeal, brown rice and two small corn tortillas with chicken and a sweet potato). “I weigh myself every morning, and if the scale goes up a pound, I exercise more. If I gained 5 pounds, I’d be very upset.”

Sound familiar? It should: Sixty-five percent of American women who responded to a national survey by SELF are disordered eaters. Eating habits that women think are normal — such as banishing carbs, skipping meals and, in some cases, even dieting itself — may actually be symptoms of the syndrome. Although disordered eating doesn’t have the lethal potential of anorexia or bulimia, it can wreck your emotional and physical health, says Cynthia Bulik, Ph.D., director of the eating disorders program at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and SELF’s partner in the survey. And it’s everywhere, afflicting women like your sister, your friend, your co-worker — or you.

The online SELF survey garnered responses from 4,000 women ages 25 to 45 to a detailed questionnaire about their eating habits and found that most disordered eaters fall into one or more of six categories. “Calorie prisoners” are terrified of gaining weight, tend to see food as good or bad and feel extremely guilty if they indulge in something that’s off-limits. Secret eaters binge on junk food at home, in the car — wherever they won’t be found out. Career dieters may not know what to eat without a plan to follow; despite their efforts, they’re more likely than other types to be overweight or obese. Purgers are obsessed with ridding their body of unwanted calories and bloat by using laxatives, diuretics or occasional vomiting. Food addicts eat to soothe stress, deal with anger, even celebrate a happy event; they think about food nearly all the time. Extreme exercisers work out despite illness, injury or exhaustion and solely for weight loss; they are devastated if they miss a session. Like Marsh, who Bulik describes as a calorie prisoner and an exercise addict, many disordered eaters piece together a painful mix of destructive habits. Others may shift between categories over the years, ricocheting from restricting to bingeing to purging, for instance.

Even more frightening, the SELF survey reveals that an additional 10 percent of women suffer from outright eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia, meaning that a total of 75 percent of all American women — three out of four — eat, think and behave abnormally around food.

And despite the stereotype that eating issues affect mostly young women, SELF found that those in their 30s and 40s suffer from disordered eating at virtually the same rates. No wonder, given that we live in a culture that spawns best sellers with titles such as “Skinny Bitch” and fetishizes stick-thin, ageless celebs on tabloid shows and Web sites even as our obesity rate continues to rise. “Dieting is a national pastime for women,” says Margo Maine, Ph.D., an eating disorders specialist in West Hartford, Connecticut. “As a society, we don’t see the problem.”

Indeed, 67 percent of women surveyed (excluding those with diagnosed eating disorders) are trying to lose weight, mirroring the number who are overweight or obese. A few eat nutritiously and exercise moderately. The rest turn to risky tricks: Thirty-five percent use diet pills, 26 percent cut out entire food groups and 13 percent even smoke to slim down, they confessed to SELF.

The result is failure; extreme measures don’t work. Just ask career dieter Kathie, 42, a mother of two in Fairfax Station, Virginia, who asked that we not print her last name. Raised in a clean-your-plate house where sweets were locked away in a metal cabinet in the basement, Kathie went on her first diet at age 10. “A neighbor and I tried to see how long we could go without eating,” she says. “We lasted three days.” Because her access to treats was restricted, Kathie didn’t know how to handle them when she got to college. “The freshman 15 was more like the freshman 80,” she says. “I inhaled everything.” Two decades of dieting followed. “I did the grapefruit diet, the cabbage soup diet, Atkins, everything,” Kathie says. “My mother joked that I had my fat closet and my skinny closet, and I could never get rid of my fat clothes. I felt doomed to be fat.”

Kathie is finally on the road to a healthy weight, but not due to dieting. She opted for gastric bypass surgery four years ago and has lost 110 pounds. (She weighs 192.) “I’m raising my kids differently,” she says. “I put food down, and if they’re hungry, they eat it. If not, that’s OK. We have cookies out. The last thing I want is for them to battle their weight their whole life.”

The fact is, Kathie might never have been able to permanently lose weight by restricting her food intake. “Low-calorie dieting — going below 1,200 a day — can cause your metabolism to slow to a crawl,” says Sondra Kronberg, R.D., director of the Eating Disorder Associates Treatment and Referral Center in Westbury, New York. The upshot: You can gain weight on a low-calorie diet because your body will burn off fewer calories and store more of them to protect against starvation.

But not all disordered eaters are obese or even overweight; 53 percent of dieters in our survey are already at a healthy weight and are putting themselves at risk by attempting to change it. “For many women, dieting is about trying to exert control,” Kronberg says. Your job may be stressful and your boyfriend halfway out the door, but you can control what you eat and how often you work out. “When a woman who isn’t overweight tries to drive her body lower than it wants to go, she could do herself permanent harm,” warns Diane Mickley, M.D., director of the Wilkins Center for eating disorders in Greenwich, Connecticut. Without adequate body fat to supply hormones critical to bone health, you can develop an aggressive, irreversible form of osteoporosis as early as your 20s, leaving you with the easily broken bones more common to women in their 70s. Malnutrition can also cause hair loss, brittle nails and even nerve damage.

Dieting can be psychologically harmful, too. How many of us live in a state of misery because of the size of our thighs? A lot: Thirty-nine percent of women say concerns about what they eat or weigh interfere with their happiness. “I exercise every day,” says 30-year-old Alisa, who typically runs an hour on the treadmill and lifts weights for 30 minutes. “If I eat dessert, I run 20 more minutes. I don’t have time for my family and friends,” she says tearfully. “It’s an issue I deal with every day.”

So does 28-year-old Patricia of Nashville, who shuns trendy clothing and covers up in modest outfits because she’s embarrassed by her body. At 5 feet 8 inches and 178 pounds, she admits her overeating pushed her to try laxatives, skip meals and fast, all to no avail. She gave up laxatives because they didn’t keep the pounds off, but Patricia still overeats sometimes, usually fast food. “I don’t want anyone to see me,” she says. So she hits a drive-through, eating two cheeseburgers, fries and a Coke in her car in minutes. “I’m numb while I do it, and I feel guilty afterward,” she says. “I think about food 20 percent of the time.” Four percent think about it nearly every waking moment. “Imagine what women could accomplish if they spent that time and energy on things other than body issues,” Bulik says.

But if you’re dieting, you can’t think about anything else. “Dieting causes you to obsess about food by altering serotonin levels in the brain,” says Timothy D. Brewerton, M.D., clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston. “Diets around 1,000 calories may cause symptoms of depression, such as low sex drive, irritability, anger and social withdrawal.” But even moderate-sounding plans can make you miserable. When Yolanda Castellini, 31, of Clarksville, Tennessee, goes below 1,400 calories a day, “I get physically ill,” she says. “But I’m always on a diet.” At 5″6 inches and 155 pounds, Castellini is just barely overweight but firmly in the calorie-prisoner category. “It’s a cycle,” Dr. Brewerton says. “Women diet to feel and look better, but they inadvertently make themselves feel worse.”

Even skipping a meal — something 37 percent of the women surveyed do regularly to try to lose weight — can cause emotional symptoms within hours. More worrisome, withholding calories can lead to another disordered behavior: repeated binges. Everybody has inhaled too many cookies at one sitting now and then. While not exactly healthy, scarfing whatever’s in reach when your blood sugar is low isn’t technically a binge. What is? Eating an unusually large amount of food quickly and feeling out of control while doing it. One in four women binge. “I do it when I feel rejected, especially in love,” says Rochelle, 41, a teacher in New York City. “I’ve gone from one pizzeria to another, eating slice after slice and worrying whether there were hidden cameras that would record my eating. I’ll eat until I feel sick.”

“Bingers eat instead of dealing with their feelings,” says Kathryn Zerbe, M.D., professor of psychiatry at the Oregon Health & Science University in Portland. Jamie, a 31-year-old in Bremerton, Washington, doesn’t know what used to push her to overeat. “My son would be playing, my daughter napping and my husband wasn’t home — that’s when I’d do it,” says the stay-at-home mom. “An entire cake would be gone. I’d feel horrible afterward and wouldn’t eat for the rest of the day. I never got on a scale because I didn’t want to know how much I gained.” Even though she gradually began to eat healthier and lost 34 pounds, “I could eat a cake right now,” she confesses.

Despite her struggle, Jamie is lucky. Often, bingeing causes weight gain and anxiety, in turn leading to calorie restricting, fasting and purging. Even frequent overeating, if not technically bingeing, is risky. “If you habitually push past your satiety boundary, you lose touch with your internal stop signs,” Bulik says, possibly putting you on the road to bingeing and restricting.

The survey also found glimmers of hope in women such as Amey Cramer, 27, of Orrtanna, Pennsylvania, who weighs 210 pounds and says she’s a former food addict. “I used to eat anything I wanted,” she says. “I’d eat when I was happy, sad; it didn’t matter. I felt awful all the time, and one day I realized I can’t do this anymore. I’ve made little changes — exercising three times a week — and already lost 15 pounds,” she says. “I still eat chocolate, but in smaller amounts, and I use olive oil instead of butter. Now I think life is great.” That’s a happy mind-set we can all aspire to.

Diet dangers: What’s normal, what’s not?
All of the habits listed below can be disordered. “The litmus test is whether the behavior negatively affects your health or interferes with your daily functioning,” says clinical psychiatry professor Timothy D. Brewerton, M.D. If you’re worried, see “How to Get (and Stay) Healthy Again.”

• A very strong fear of gaining 5 pounds
• Following strict food rules
• Dieting for more than three-quarters of your life
• Use of diet pills or laxatives
• Fasting or juice cleanses to lose weight
• Overexercising
• Cutting entire food groups from your diet, except for religious reasons
• Eating the same “safe” foods every day
• Extreme calorie restriction
• Thinking about food more than 50 percent of the time
• Obsessive calorie counting
• Intentionally skipping meals to lose weight
• Bingeing or vomiting
• Smoking for weight loss
• Lying about how much you’ve eaten
• Weighing yourself daily, if it becomes obsessive. (See “Weight Debate.”)
• Consistently overeating when you’re not hungry
• Eating a lot of no- or low-calorie foods
• Having concerns about your eating or weight that interfere with your life (e.g., you won’t see the doctor)
• Considering foods to be good or bad
• Visiting pro-anorexia or pro-bulimia Web sites
• Adopting a vegetarian diet solely for weight loss

Can you stop eating when you’ve had enough?
Sure, everybody takes a bite or two (or three) too many now and then — but overdoing it too often may indicate disordered eating. In the SELF survey, we asked women to tell us how much their hunger levels have to do with their eating habits.

Healthy behavior
21% of those surveyed eat only when hungry.
18% rarely eat when they’re not hungry.
49% sometimes eat when they’re not hungry.
12% often eat when they’re not hungry.

Is getting on the scale daily healthy?
It may actually be a trap for some women. Sondra Kronberg, R.D., advises against daily weigh-ins. “The danger is that you may give up on healthy eating or binge if the needle doesn’t drop.” There are other ways to gauge weight and health — like how your clothes fit or whether you can walk 30 minutes without getting winded. But some experts say regular weighing is crucial to maintaining a loss.

Ultimately, the decision comes down to the individual. If small changes on the scale stress you out, focus instead on how eating well and exercising regularly make you feel. But if a daily weight check keeps you honest without causing angst, step right up.

A shocking rise in eating disorders
More than 10 percent of women ages 25 to 45 in our survey have a true eating disorder, separate from the disordered eaters discussed in this story. “This is a very high number, although we can’t compare it to other studies because there really isn’t comparable research,” says Cynthia Bulik, Ph.D. “But when we included women who are just outside the diagnostic boundaries, we found that many more are struggling than we knew. The definitions need to be expanded so women at risk can be treated.” New terms from the American Psychiatric Association aren’t expected until 2012; the current ones are below. (Many of the symptoms are similar to those for disordered eaters but more extreme and/or frequent.) To find a referral to a therapist in your area, go to NationalEatingDisorders.com.

Anorexia may be diagnosed in women who weigh 15 percent below normal for their height and age and who starve their body and do not menstruate because of low body fat but still believe they’re heavy.
Bulimia is defined by binge eating at least twice a week for three months while feeling out of control, followed by self-induced vomiting, starvation or purging.
Binge eating is ingesting an unusually large amount of food very fast while feeling out of control at least twice a week for six months. Binge eaters don’t purge.

How to get (and stay) healthy again
More than one in four women cling to restrictive diet rules (never eating after 6 p.m. or eating only nonfat foods, for instance), fearing they’ll gain pounds without these guidelines. Reality check: “In my practice, relinquishing rules often leads to permanent weight loss,” Bulik says. The formula for success is to add healthy foods and habits rather than restrict or force yourself to overexercise. The payoff will be both psychological (you’ll be happier) and physical — if you treat your body well, chances are it will naturally settle at a healthy weight.

Even out your eating
Disordered eating is all about extremes (too few or too many calories, hating your body when it’s big and loving it when it’s skinny), so a moderate approach can head off unhealthy choices. Step one: Eat breakfast every day, Bulik says. “It’s key to avoiding bingeing later.”

Separate mood from food
The next time a bad day sends you to the cookie jar, walk into another room and set a timer for five minutes, Bulik suggests. While it ticks, talk to yourself: What is bothering you? Is there a better way to deal with it? Even if you do go back to the snacks, you’ll at least have begun examining how your feelings drive your eating, an important first step.

Think differently
Focus on whether you’re getting nine small servings of veggies and fruit every day rather than what you think you need to cut out of your diet. “It’s the difference between having an attitude of self-care and one of punishment,” says Sondra Kronberg, R.D.

Take it slowly
If you do need to lose weight, make doable changes one day at a time: Add a veggie to dinner; take a walk after lunch. If you want help eating healthfully, consult a nutritionist. (Find one near you at EatRight.org.)

Embrace change
“No matter how fit you are when you’re young, your body will be different when you’re older,” Kronberg says. “If you don’t value who you are besides that body, you’re in trouble.” Instead of trying to reclaim the thighs of your youth with brutal workouts, buy clothes that make you look amazing right now.

Find relatable role models
Victoria Beckham? We’re sure she’s a nice person, but as a body type to emulate, she doesn’t make the cut. Choose someone who reflects your values, such as a friend or a more down-to-earth celeb.

Do it for the girls in your life
When you announce in front of children how fat you feel, think about this: Do you want them to hate their body, too? Kids pick up on everything, and you can be a positive role model. Try saying things such as, “I really like the way this dress looks on me,” and unapologetically enjoy a variety of foods around them. Your confidence will send the message that it’s possible to love your body at any size. (msnbc.com)

Alanis Morissette ha confesado a la revista Health que padeció bulimia y anorexia a los 14 años, justo cuando comenzaba a bucear en el mundo de la música.

La actriz considera que estar “en el centro del ojo público” le hizo desestabilizarse y que, para “adormecer esos sentimientos” sufrió un trastorno con la comida que le duró hasta los 18 años, cuando un buen amigo habló con ella del problema. Afirma que lo más gravé duró entre cuatro o seis meses: “apenas comía. Vivía en dieta permanente de tostadas, zanahorias y café”.

Hace unos meses la cantante también se quejaba en la revista Reforma de la frivolidad de los medios de comunicación a la hora de valorar el talento, demasiado pendientes de la imagen.

Esto trae unas consecuencias, no solo para las mujeres y los hombres que cada día llenan los medios de caracteres, sino también para la sociedad en general. Muchas veces olvidamos la importancia de ser auténticos en beneficio de gastar demasiado tiempo cuidando (o lastimando en el caso de algunos excesos) nuestra belleza.

Sin embargo, debemos ser realistas. Todos elegimos hasta qué punto cedemos a la presión y, aunque queramos lograr cosas para lo cual se haga imprescindible nuestra imagen, debemos establecer los límites de lo que estamos dispuesto a hacer o no, igual que los establecemos a lo largo de nuestra vida en otros aspectos.

Solo una nota más. Cada día estas fotos (que son de las más normalitas) pasan desapercibidas por miles de sitios y es cierto que son esos mismos cantantes los que deciden sacarse fotos tan sinuosas, pero ¿no crees que además de la imagen cuenta la responsabilidad social?, ¿el hecho de saber que puedes crear trastornos con ciertas imágenes no es casi tan importante como verte sensualmente impresionante?

Seguramente no, vivimos en un mundo en el que “todo vale” y en el que lo que ocurra al vecino nos es indiferente. Pero no seamos hipócritas, es así porque nosotros hacemos que sea así cada día, no porque el mundo nos lo haya impuesto.

Your 20s

These are the last years that your body is building new bones, so you want to do everything you can to maximize stores.  A critical first step is to give up smoking, which directly interferes with bone formulation.

Diet/Fitness  You need 1,000 milligrams of calcium each day.  Aim for at least three servings of calcium-rich foods, and take a supplement on the days you’re not making it.  Start a regimen of weight-bearing exercise:  workouts (walking, jogging, dancing tennis, aerobics) that put some impact on your bones.  (Swimming and biking, although great exercise, aren’t weight-bearing.)  Get in at least three 30-minutes session per week.

Doctor visit  If you’ve suffered from anorexia or amenorrhea (the absence of your period for several months), ask your doctor about having a bone-density test. 

Your 30s

You’ve reached your peak bone mass:  your goal for this decade is to hold on to it by following a healthy lifestyle.

Diet/Fitness  Most women in this age group get only half the recommended amount of calcium; take a supplement if that’s you.  Your life may be busier, but keep exercising.  “If you stop, you lose whatever bone gains you’ve made,” warns Kenneth Saag, M.D., an osteoporosis expert at the University of Alabama at Birmingham, US.

Doctor visit  have you been on steroids, such as prednisone?  A bone-density test may be in order.