I’m on the train heading into the city for work. Today should be a good day, it would be if I wasn’t hurting so much. The office will be empty, I’ll spend the first few hours doing filing and other mindless tasks while listening to gorgeous music. Then Al’s coming in and we’ll be working on some HR stuff together, that’ll be fun, we’ll catch up and get some good work done. What a awesome life, oh wait, no, it’s filled with panic. This morning it took an incredible amount of effort to get out of bed, to put clothes on, to get on this train. It took an incredible amount of effort and a Valium to not give up.
I decided to get another pack of Valium 5 days ago and I’ve since taken a tablet on 3 of those 5 days, this morning included. Usually I’d fight the anxiety until at least the afternoon before I’d taken a Valium. In fact, this is the first time I’ve taken one in the morning. I don’t like taking Valium at all, let alone so quickly. But I am simply not in the mood to experience agony today, just can’t take the struggle today.
About 5 minutes ago I felt a sense of calmness and peace in my mind and heart. “Ah, 30 minutes after taking a tablet, just on time,” I thought. Although a few minutes later, it’s back, the pain is back. Another tablet? More time? *Sigh.* I no longer want to write these posts where I write while in a panic and all it is is a description of the agony. I write like this because I truly wish someone could know what it feels like for me, I feel so alone and scared in this place. Writing in this state helps for a short moment but I’m not getting closer to working out the cause and ‘cure.’ Next time I’ll explore more on the incompetency thing, but right now my train approaches and Flinder’s Street and my body approaches pure panic.

This weeks music are some of my favorites that speak to me and comfort my spirit the most.  I hope you find them to be worth a listen.  God bless!  Allan

Song List

1.  How He Loves Us-  Kim Walker/Jesus Culture

2.  The World Needs Jesus-  Malcolm & Alwyn

3.  My Redeemer Lives-  Nicole C. Mullen

4.  Fall On Me (Set Me Free)-  Vineyard

5.  Revelation Song-  Kari Jobe

6.  Fix You-  Coldplay

7.  In Christ Alone-  Vineyard

8.  All My Tears-  The Gordons

9.  Holy Is The Lord-  Chris Tomlin

10.  Breathe-  Marie Barnett/Vineyard

11.  Praise Is Rising (Hosanna)-  Brenton Brown

12.  My Soul Longs For You-  Misty Edwards

13.  Light The Fire Again-  Brian Doerksen

Things that Help with Bad Nerves:

1. Vitamins.
2. The smell of citrus fruits & lavender.
3. Deep breathing & meditation.
4. REM sleep.
5. Listening to music.
6.  Exercise, especially stretching, dancing, & wandering.
7.  Passionflower tea.
8. Paste of almonds, with ginger & honey, in warm milk.
9.  Laughing.

Things that Make Nerves Worse:

1. Cigarettes.
2. Coffee.
3. Excessive booze.
4. Poor sleep quality.
5. Computer/t.v. screens.
6.  Weed.
7.  Lack of sunlight.
8.  Being cold for too long.
9. Garbage & clutter.

There’s quiet and then there’s winter quiet.  You know the quiet I’m talking about — a cold winter morning when the wind is calm and everything in the world just seems to be….settled.  The crisp air seems to bring with it a sense of peace and easiness.  Today is one of those mornings.  Sitting in the living room looking out the wall of windows I can just now see  dawn peeking through the trees.  A doe just walked along the opposite bank of the lake and somewhere in the woods just beyond I can hear birds chattering away at each other.  The Christmas Tree lights are still on and as the morning sun comes through the window behind, its golden rays are reflected off the ornaments and it casts a theatrical light display on the walls and ceiling.  I like these mornings.

The quiet outside allows for a little quiet inside as well.  Sometimes noise is a nice distraction and helps keep me from going to far inside where I don’t want to be; but, sometimes it’s nice to have a quiet, calm morning.  It’s nice to be able to go to that place in peace and then have a calm place to come back to.  Today is one of those days and I’m thankful for it.  Praise God for quiet winter mornings!

I haven’t done a lot of writing these last few months.  I don’t know whether it was writers block or maybe I just didn’t have anything to say.  A lot of people have asked why and I wish I had the answer, but I don’t.  Because they haven’t had updates to read, they also ask how I’m doing.  I guess I’m one of the few people in the world who actually appreciates being asked and believes that the people doing the asking are genuinely concerned.  My answer, of late, has been two-fold — I have good days and bad days, but more good than bad lately.  There are times, most of the time, when I wish that all of them were good, but I know that’s not life and I’m becoming OK with it.  Gradually, I’m getting to a place where I can accept the bad days and celebrate the good ones.

Accepting the bad days….

It’s hard for someone like me who has been given a gift of expression like writing, music, art or theater to understand not being able to adequately express how we feel.  This burden of anxiety and depression is something that is very hard for me to explain to anyone.  How do I tell someone that there are days when I am just scared?  There’s no reason for it, nothing has cuased it and often times nothing seems to help much.  People who don’t suffer with anxiety attacks have a very hard time understanding how suddenly and unexpectedly they can happen.  Oddly enough, I don’t understand it either and I live with it.  So, the place I’ve come to recently is a place of ceasing my attempts to understand the bad days and simply accept them as they come.  Everyone has bad days — even the most successful and happy among us — everyone!  I’m trying to just accept them and move on.

People who know me only casually don’t see what people who know me intimately see — I’m a perfectionist…I’m the definition of perfectionist!  I like order and symmetry in everything around me and everything I do.  I always have a plan, I live on a schedule and the slightest deviation from routine is unnerving to me.  So, you can understand how difficult it is for me to say I’m just going to accept something as it is.  There are few things in the world that I accept as they are.  Unfortunately, life isn’t perfect and from time to time it throws days that don’t fit the plan and moments that are not in the schedule.  Learning to just live with these days as they come is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life.

In the past, a bad day might have led to a bad week or even several bad weeks.  I let bad days determine my course for days to come.  After they came I would reverse that course and have to start all over again.  The best way I know to describe it would be as is to liken it to having one train derail from a track and that track never being used again.  Even that analogy is weak, but perhaps it helps describe the way it feels to have one bad day cause a complete re-do off all my days.

Believe it or not, I consdier learning to accept bad days and move on from them a gift.  It’s a gift that has been given to me, but also a gift I can give to the people who love and care about me.  If I can learn to accept the bad days as they come, my family and friends won’t have to suffer through them with me.  They will be mine to do with as I please and the burden that comes with them will no longer spill over into the lives of others.  Yes, accepting the bad days is a gift!

Celebrating the good days…

As important as it is for me to learn to accept the bad days, I’m learning that it is equally, perhaps more important that I learn to celebrate the good ones.  For so many years now, my life has revolved around the negative things in it.  I never have been one to look at the brighter side of things.  I realize now that this constant focus on the negative aspects of life has served only to perpetuate them — it’s a proverbial ‘viscious cycle’ if you will.  I’m trying, and I’m learning ever so slowly to celebrate all of the good!

It’s terribly cliched and borderline corny to say, but life itself is a gift and a good thing.  I am a blessed person.  I have an awesome family and amazing friends who love me and who I love.  I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, a vehicle to drive and plenty of things to keep me entertained.  I see stories of people – I even know people who have far less and whose lives are not nearly as comfortable as mine.  I’ve been given an incredible second (or third or fourth or fifth) chance to return to school and finish what I’ve started so many years ago and I’m doing very well!  I’ve been given gifts of being able to make music and tell stories which is incredible to me.  More than any other gift is the gift of a loving God who looks beyond my faults and sees my need and a saviour who called me friend and gave his life for mine!

With all of these good things in life, how could I not celebrate?  I don’t make New Year’s resolutions because I never keep them, but I am resolved about this.  I am resolved that I am going to celebrate the good days to the fullest extent possible.  I will get out of the house and into the sunshine and fresh air.  I will do things I enjoy doing and I will renew relationships with friends who have been inadvertently pushed to the side during all of the bad days.  I am resolved to smiling and laughing more and before 2010 is out, I am going to sing again with a group of people I love singing with so very much!  As much as celebrating the good days, I’m also going to learn to celebrate the good things even on the bad days. 

Yes, I enjoy mornings like this one — peaceful, quiet and all is well.  Praise God for winter quiet that allows us to sit and be still with Him and with ourselves.  Winter is not a time when living things die.  Winter is a time for rest and rejuvination — a time for learning to appreciate the beauty of this life we have been given!

Blessings to you all!!  And, may each of you learn to accept the bad days and celebrate the good ones!

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I had another long, crazy ass train dream again last night. I was visiting my sister, back when she still lived in New York, and we were taking the subway all around the city–but the city was more like Paris than New York, including the subway system (very dark, and the trains were small). There wasn’t much to it except for getting from A to B with trains, and occasionally getting lost and having to read indecipherable transit maps. And there was particular emphasis on the number 6 train, which was coded pink on the map (so definitely not NYC).

Then at some point I became a bit lucid and started driving a flying VW Beetle. It was a murky greenish teal color. Then I got back on the trains. Then I was trying to find a gym to work out in temporarily (which I am in Berlin at the moment), but I didn’t have gym clothes so I was going through the lost and found, trying to decide if it would be too weird to use someone else’s gym shoes.

Again, I’m not sure about most dream interpretations… But a lot of them say that mundane things that are part of your normal life (ie, taking public transit) don’t mean as much as the process of using them. So whenever I dream about trains, it’s usually in this sort of chaotic context of not really having a destination as much as just having to change trains over and over. Metaphor…?

Dunno what the flying Beetle is about, but that was fun.

A Time For Woolgathering and Healing

Author: sean sandvik

It was a worldwide day of reckoning. On September 11, 2001, the entire world became a witness to the darkest evil as well as the highest good that man was capable of doing. On that day, it was as if time had stopped and everyting stood at a standstill. It was a time when most people began to ponder about their lives and how they lived, individually and collectively as human beings.
Amidst the concrete rubble and stench of death, people from all walks of life came together to lend each other a hand. Each came to bring their skills to save the trapped and wounded; all worked together with a heart that wanted to provide comfort in a time of great crisis for the people of New York and the rest of the United States. Yet the cries of shock and protest against that act of terrorism resounded from different countries around the globe. It was a defining moment in modern history, a turning point in the on-going war against terror.
Reminiscent of the horrors of the holocaust during World War II, and the devastation wrought by the atomic bomb in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the events of 9/11 has been recorded as one of the most destructive man-made disasters of the 21st century.
Surely, even relatively smaller scale incidents produce the same kind of gried and sense of loss. Day after day, other tragedies happen to people around the world, around the clock. Vehicular accidents, kidnappings, robberies, rapes, hurricanes and other natural disasters all bring death and destruction.
The tragic 9/11 bombings of the World Trade Center generated extensive media coverage worlwide. Millions of viewers who are not really closely related to any of the victims felt a great sense of loss, fear, anger, surprise, shock and disbelief.
Those who escaped and survived the collapse of the World Trade Center bore scars on their body and within themselves. Many of the survivors, including their families now suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This is a type of anxiety disorder is acquired when an individual’s undergoes a life-threatening experience or a very traumatic event. Those with PTSD have an anxiety attack whenever they remember the traumatic incident. Some of of the symptoms of PTSD include having a feeling of history repeating itself; sleep problems like insomia; nightmares; a feeling of isolation; agitation or irritability; and even guilt.
Many PTSD sufferers report that they always feel and think that the tragic event is happening all over again. These painful memories are called flashbacks and may consist of images, sounds, smells, or feelings that can be triggered by even the most ordinary things. A person having a flashback may lose touch with reality and believe that the traumatic incident is happening all over again. The anxiety can be very distressing and could lead to another panic attack. PTSD usually occurs about three weeks after the traumatic incident. In some cases, signs of PTSD may be delayed and would only start to appear after a couple of years later.
Insomia or having some troubles getting sleep may be caused by worrying or unresolved feelings about the tragic event. Nightmares may be about the same traumatic experience or it could be anything that is frightening and threatening to the person. Survivors of the 9/11 terrorist attack may even develop a feeling of isolation characterized by not feeling close to people. It is similar to socio phobia in the sense that there is fear in being with strangers, and sometimes, even with their own loved ones. People experiencing PTSD are highly irritable and get angry even at the slightest provocation. Guilt haunts people with PTSD. They feel guilty about surviving the tragedy while others did not. They feel irrational guilt that they could have done something for others who were in the same tragedy, or blame themselves for being the cause of the incident or accident.
Anti-anxiety medications may help people with PTSD feel less afraid and tense. It may take weeks before they experience its full medical benefits. Consulting with health care specialists and counselor for therapy may greatly help.
It is important that we keep family ties and other relationships tight. We need to surround ourselves with people who will always be there to reassure us, affirm us and comfort us in times of life’s great challenges. People suffering from PTSD need a lot of reassurance, comfort, and encouragement. Survivors of 9/11, as well as other people suffering from PTSD, need enough time for “wool gathering” in order to heal from the hurts and pains of their tragic memories.

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A Close Encounter with GAD

Author: sean sandvik

Watching a child struggle with anxiety can be very difficult for parents. Anxiety may begin to mask their perception and

convince them that their child is already psychologically or emotionally impaired. Many parents find it helpful to keep

track of the child’s accomplishments and abilities so that they don’t begin thinking of their child as overly anxious and

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fearful. Instead they can recognize what abilities their child has that might be useful in dealing with anxiety. A little

anxiety isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, it can even be used to help motivate a person. Being aware of one’s anxiety can

also help a person better respond to danger.
Anxiety, the body’s reaction to a perceived, anticipated or imagined danger or threatening situation, is a common and normal

occurrence among children. All children experience anxiety. Anxiety in children is expected and normal at specific times in

development. For example, from around 8 months through the preschool years, healthy youngsters may show intense distress

(anxiety) at times of separation from their parents or other persons with whom they are close. Anxious children are often

overly tense or uptight. Some may seek a lot of reassurance, and their worries may interfere with activities.
There are different types of child anxiety. One such anxiety disorder very common among them is Generalized Anxiety Disorder

(GAD). GAD is defined as chronic, excessive worry and fear that seems to have no real cause. Children with GAD often worry a

lot about things such as future events, past behaviors, social acceptance, family matters, relationship, their personal

abilities, and/or school performance. Although younger children can show signs of excessive worry, children usually develop

GAD at about 12 years old. Studies also revealed that many children with GAD also have other anxiety problems. The most

common of which are social anxiety, depression, separation anxiety, and attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Worrying too much about things before they actually happen or being too concerned about friends, school or activities are the

most common symptoms of GAD. However, each child may experience symptoms differently. It may also include:
constant thoughts and fears about safety of self and/or safety of parents
refusing to go to school
frequent stomach aches, headaches, or other physical complaints
muscle aches or tension
sleep disturbance
excessive worry about sleeping away from home
clingy behavior with family members
feeling as though there is a lump in the throat
fatigue
lack of concentration
being easily startled
irritability
inability to relax
Several anxiety medications are available for the effective treatment of GAD. A few of these medications include Zoloft,

Paxil, Xanax, and Prozac. All of these medications are known as SSRIs, or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. These

medications are all fairly new anti-depressants and have very little side effects. When a child takes any of these drugs, he

or she may experience overly nervous at first. However, after several weeks the feeling typically fades away. Some side

consequences of anti-depressants that children may experience are: sleepiness, tiredness, and confusion.
These medications should only be taken after consultation with the child’s physician. A physician’s decision on what

medications to be taken by a child depends on the child’s physical structure, blood chemistry, as well as how severe the

child’s anxiety is.
Parents should not discount a child’s fears. Aside from the symptoms mentioned above, anxious children may also be quiet,

compliant and eager to please, thus their difficulties may be missed. Parents should always be alert to the signs of severe

anxiety so they can intervene early to prevent future complications.

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Its late

I’ve been crying, can’t sleep.

My head is spinning, there is a lumpy cactus of pain inside me. I don’t really know what I can do to fix, it. Been writing all kinds of crap down, It helps a little.

When I lose the chance to be a workaholic the bad stuff comes to the surface and tries to tip me over. But I am coping the best I can, it going to be fine. With time, I tend to get this way. Specially at holydays, pathetic but natural.

Think there is something wrong with my parent’s cat, he’s been all fussy and warm all day. His energy reads to me something like, I’m lonely please play with me. Don’t leave me, he follows me around the house all day. I give him much attention, I know he likes me. Something about his eyes, he stares at me all the time. What does he mean by that? He crawls up in my bed when I sleep and purrs, loud calm purring. It’s nice.

I’m going to get even better in 2010, each year I get better at coping with life, friends, relationship, school and other people. But what I don’t cope all well with is myself at times, I’m going to cut myself some more slack. Not staying up too late, like now. Hang with friends, and not live at the school like I did this year. It’s important to make time for friends, I should do that more often.

Im going to do more of the things I like to do, like swimming, fixing and playing with my computers, read more books, go to the movies, play games. It’s important to not be serious all the time, I should do that.

Im trying to have fun with the things I love now, it’s not going so well. I’m in some sort of shock, and I don’t really have a good reason to be. But it feels like shock, so strange. Aching stomach, numb body, loss of sleep and apatite. Emotions all crumbled up, not being able to enjoy things I should enjoy. Sounds like depression too me, but I have no reason to be depressed.

I should not stay inside all day sleeping late, staying on the couch watching bad TV and playing Pokémon platinum. I need to get out soon, I should take a walk tomorrow. Take some more pictures, my arts been just crap lately, photos as well. It gets that way when I’m down.

I’m down because now I have time to feel my emotions, I can’t run away from them here.

Thing is, I don’t think anyone can help me. We all have our burdens, I just need to accept this. I let go of my past last holyday, I accepted the past as the past and moved on. Acknowledged the fact that I should not suffer for the past anymore, it worked as well as it could.

The trick in 2010 is accepting the fact that I’m always going to have distorted strange confusing unpleasant emotions at time. And the fact that I will never just have one or two emotions a day, I’m a crumbled radio antenna trying to find the right frequency.

I need to accept the fact that I’m not going to find the right channel.

This is how I am, and I have to stop trying to change that and just accept myself for the damaged way I am. And then maybe I will be able to feel at times appropriate emotions, maybe then I will be able to be “better” For myself

It’s really tiring to have so many shifting emotions all the time.

I have come far, and I’m not going back to therapy I think. I should though call my shrink to ask her if I’m free to come back for closure, the plan was for me to come back in January. Not sure what is going on, but I’m guessing sicker people are prioritized. I’m fine with it, I managed fine.

I’m going to do some research on emotions, and how to stabilize them. How to Snap out of apathy bubble, I’m going to do some more research. Maybe there is help for me out there, I don’t know. But I’m going to try.

I think 2010 will be a good year

Hope School Starts soon, I really want things to go back to how they usually are. I really don’t like holydays that much, I’m fragile that way. I’m more found of free days in the middle of the semester, one or two days are good, refreshing. Two weeks, just too much. Unless I’m traveling with friends, that usually goes just fine.

I do love my parents, I just guess I don’t like to spend so much time at their place. I get lonely quickly here, I used to be very lonely here when I grew up. Maybe my old teenage emotions are stuck to the wall and are making me lonely?

The most constructive thing I can do now is go back to sleep, then I can start my research tomorrow.

Good night

Merry Christmas everyone! I have to say, it’s been a great Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We spent Christmas Eve at my parents’ house, opening the requisite one gift each and playing a board game that my mom opened (at my dad’s urging). Mi.Vida got the Roku box for streaming Netflix he’s been pining over for the past month and was very excited to set it up when we got home.

This morning we were at Mi.Vida’s parents’ house and it was great fun. We ate homemade cinnamon rolls and opened presents. The CD set I picked out for his dad and the digital picture frame I thought up for him mom both went over VERY well. I was quite proud indeed.

Right now we are back at my parents’ house, awaiting Christmas dinner and then present opening afterwards. I haven’t been feeling too well today and am hoping to get through dinner without feeling worse. I made the mistake of upping my Zo.loft to 50mg today and that was a mistake. I guess there is nothing I can do but wait it out. I should feel better again soon.

Tomorrow morning I’m heading to Kaiser pharmacy bright and early to get my 2nd trimester blood test. In 3 to 7 days I should have the results of my genetic screening. I’ve realized that there is a good chance they will not give me the answers or assurances that I so desperately desire and I’m making my peace with that. I really do think I can handle whatever results are given to me.

In the meantime I just worry about Frijolito. I worry that something will happen to him and that I will be totally and utterly heartbroken. I know there is no way to know and nothing to do even if I did. I keep telling myself that until I know otherwise, everything is fine. Still, I have a foreboding feeling right now of something not being quite right. I can’t decide exactly what it is, but I can’t seem to shake it. I hope it’s just the remnants of my anxiety rearing their ugly heads.

I just want to clarify that I am very thankful for all I have this Christmas. I truly am. I know I can not mourn a tragedy that has not, and may never happen, and I’m not doing that. I’m just in a little bit of a funk, despite all the holiday cheer. It’s not keeping me from enjoying my family and Mi.Vida though, so I shall return to them all. I’m sure I’ll feel better when we start with the present carnage.

A Happy Holidays to all in 2009!

Well it is almost 1am and I made it through Xmas day. I sat here til after 5pm before deciding to go for a shower and just take it all one step at a time. I had some tablets to help with the anxiety. I finally got to my parents at 6.30pm, they didn’t ask any questions but did wait on me before having their meal. It was torturous at points as I just sat there feeling so out of place and uncomfortable, every one was in good spirits and full of laughs and I spent the whole time thinking how to escape. A couple of people asked me how I was these days and I did my best to smile and say “I’m getting there”

A few more tablets enabled me to sit there and listen to them all laughing for another couple of hours and I came home just before midnight. I am really pleased with myself for managing it that long, even if it did require medication to do it and I didn’t enjoy it very much. However at least that’s it over with for another twelve months, thank God.

I am going to see if I can watch a couple of programmes that I missed earlier on the iplayer thing online then go to bed.

Goodnight bloggers.

All right … last post wasn’t very specific in terms of anything. So, here goes my explanation for why Nochebuena –the Spanish term for Christmas Eve, which translates to English as good night– turned out to be a Nochemala (bad night).

I hadn’t been feeling so well the day before, but I didn’t think too much of it. I thought that it was still the result of something I ate a few days earlier, and that it would go away before the time of the big dinner.

Too bad I thought wrong.

The 24th wasn’t well-met, as I woke up with pain in my stomach and a tightness in my throat. A tightness that will usually get worse to the point where I must throw up, and that is just what I did. It was a lot. I’m not completely sure, but I think that all of dinner, including a slice of cold pizza that my brother brought later that night.

I told my mother what I’d just done, and she offered to take me to the emergency room. I said no, because every time I go see a doctor they say something different. Gastritis, gastroenteritis, stomach ulcers, throat infection … and the problem goes away on its own, regardless of all the different medication I’ve been given for the different things that are supposed to be the cause of the problem. I complained that I was tired of feeling like this, of feeling like throwing up, especially when I had to go out. Such is the life of your author and, this year, the spike in health issues decided to overlap with the holidays.

As it was early in the morning, I was sent back to bed. I went back and sat on the bed. My mother walked in and I complained some more. At one point, she told me to be “thankful to God” that my problems weren’t worse than they were, and I replied by telling her, one more time, that I am an atheist. She said “What? Are you hearing this?” and my sister walked out from her room saying that she already knew. I had told her earlier in the month (I had previously told her that I was simply not religious). Just like last time I’d told my mother about my atheism, she said “You have to believe in something!”, and my answer was that I believed in people. Maybe not true, but I couldn’t leave it like that.

Anyway, while I was sure that I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep, I was proven wrong again. I woke up sometime in the afternoon. I had not been able to digest anything since lunch from the day before, so I was treated with something light: soda crackers and cheese. For some reason, every bite felt … not right.

I was given fluids all throughout the day, mainly tea and Gatorade. Night came closer, and I already knew that dinner was out of the question for me. My stomach still hurt and the tightness in my throat remained.

Night came, and some time before the guests –my brother-in-law and my brother’s girlfriend– arrived, I was feeling as terrible as I did in the morning. Out went some of the fluids I’d taken and part of the light lunch. I tried to cover up the retching noise by leaving the sink faucet open, but my sister managed to hear it and told my mother.

At this point, I decided to stay in bed for the rest of the day, even though I had dressed up to be there with the guests.

As I lay on the bed, with me going back and forth between having my head between two pillows or just wrapped in one, I could hear the sound of the two guests arriving and some neighbors passing by to give greetings. Every now and then, my mother would check up on me and then go back out to see how dinner was doing.

I felt terrible. I hoped that I’d be able to close my eyes and that would be the end of it all. The feeling got worse when I heard the call for dinner, and much worse when I heard everyone gathering in the living room to open the presents –it’s customary to do that right after dinner here–. Every time I heard my mother saying to x person from x person as she handed out the presents, I knew that I had completely missed out on what was supposed to be a great day. One day where the family could be together and have a good time, and we’d all say “Awww!” with each present given out.

The guests left shortly afterwards, without me even bothering to greet them. My mother brought in the presents I got, which consisted in clothing and some care products. Not too shabby, but I wasn’t feeling well enough to say anything positive or negative about them at the time (and right now I don’t remember them all).

So, Christmas Eve sucked. For me, at least, as I could hear everyone else having a blast.

For now, reader, Christmas Eve of 2008 remains as the last good one I’ve had, and will be my last good one of the decade. Read that post if you wish to see a happier side of me and to see some photos of how this year didn’t turn out.

Happy holidays. Of fail.

I cried to for two hours last night before I finally passed out.

For some reason it’s been hard for me to.. I’m not even sure how to describe this. Maybe I’ve bee in shock or I don’t know. Last night I realized that my mom has cancer. I know I’ve been writing about it for days now. But last night I realized the severity of it.

My mom has stage 4 cervical cancer. She has 3 masses and there are 2 lymph nodes that are affected as well. She’s been having horrible reactions to the combo of chemo that she’s been going through. After several emergency room visits, ICU, respirator, tons of doctors trying to figure out what the deal was and finally determining an allergy to heparin, physical rehab because she’s at least 80 lbs overweight and her body was recovering slowly, she’s finally at home (with my brother).

He’s been driving her to chemo and radiation treatments, dealing with doctors, and taking an unpaid leave of absence from his work in another state to be with her.

Last night I realized how bad this is.

I didn’t have time to think about it when I was there before my brother. Before Thanksgiving. When I was there by myself going through all of it, I was just on “go” I couldn’t stop to breathe. Last night I finally stopped to breathe and it all came out.

I don’t know how this is going to end. I’m scared. I don’t think it’s going to end well. I’ve been getting myself ready. I’ve been distancing myself. I’ve been dealing with a ridiculous amount of anger. I know it’s all valid. But there is just more than my anger going on here. There is my dying mom.

i am an extremely excited, shaky, bruised beyond belief but contented CK on this all too early Boxing Day.
happy holidays to one and all, no matter what you’re celebrating/not celebrating/vetoing on grounds of consumerist horror that Xmas seems to have become –

i live next door to a mega-mall. Xmas is weird. most days of the year the place is packed with hoards of shoppers. today it will be hellish, once again. ahhh, normality

but the whole place shut today/yesterday. it was a little eerie. however, the drunken Christian neighbours made up for it with rousing renditions of “Happy Birthday” to Christ. somewhat worrying, if endearing. and given how drunk they really were i’m surprised they remembered the date, let alone the words!

a quick update, because my excitement is over what is very possibly the best gift the Universe could possibly bestow on me short of instant Enlightenment. my guy, Shiv, arrives today (and then the 31st, our dear friend and fellow blogger, Svasti, which is the icing on the cake of all this).

i’m importing Shiv from London. we haven’t seen each other in 6 months (ack!) and that has not been easy but gosh, nor is this waiting thing. i’m not good at that at the best of times! so i’ve been cleaning all day (hence the bruises. oops. didn’t notice at the time.) keeps my hands/mind too busy to notice that time drags on and on. not long now, though.

ok. taken my Xanax and it’s slooooowly helping but the real cure is being together again, i’m sure. also sleep. suspect i may end up being more jet-lagged than my Honey.

really wanted to thank each and every one of you who visits here, reads, gets something out of it (i hope) –
whether you guys know it or not, you help. your wisdom and generosity, well, that just means a whole lot, in my world.

have a whole bunch of family stuff going on over the next couple of weeks. not sure how much blogging will happen. apologies in advance for that but will be thinking of all my bloggy friends for whom i know this time of year can be so terribly difficult. please take care, and i will hold you all in my heart.

the aim is to try to do short blog bursts when/if i get a free moment over the next couple of weeks. my brother, sis-in-law and niece from NYC arrive about an hour after Shiv. it ain’t nothing but a family thing. total chaos, but of course. nice, though. for the most part. difficult. but nice. especially my niece time. i treasure that!

it won’t be easy to set aside my fears, self-doubt and troubled feeling-thoughts but i’m going to do it. if only for 2 weeks but hopefully, in the long run, by doing this…

involving my whole heart to the best of my ability: things shift. i don’t know how. i’ve never had the glimmer of a chance at this sort of reality before, nor thought i ever would…

but it is what we want. need. and there is no choice, to put it simply. there is only a coming together that, even though i’m not sure i believe in destiny, seems simply to fit. and that seems right. doesn’t it?

So, Happy Holidays to everybody who reads here, and here’s to Life!

enjoy the little things. they count for more than we’d dare imagine.

15:53 – Xmas Day

The plan was that I was going to go up to my parents house around 11am and exchange presents then come home, get showered and go back up around 3pm for the rest of the family coming down. It is 3.30 pm and I am still sitting in my pyjamas, ignoring the world. I just cannot do it today, I can’t face everyone, I just want to be left on my own so that I know I will be ok. They have been ringing my phone all morning and I ignored and ignored it, until I finally text just there saying “Merry Xmas, I will be up later” – now they will hopefully leave me alone as they know I am alive.

I am searching for strength just now to start thinking “Come on, lets do this, lets get this day over and done with” but the feeling just won’t come. Instead I am sitting here in my pj’s watching the dogs play with their new toys and surrounded with presents for my family. Why is it that such a happy day for millions is also such a terrifying day for millions more? Why does everyone think of Xmas as being some extremely happy family day, that special day of the year when the reality for so many people is the total opposite of that? I know that even though I feel like the only person in the world who is sitting on my own right now (through choice) that the reality is there are hundreds of thousands of other people just like me, sitting on their own right now, simply unable to face it.

And why? Why does it feel so awful? What do I really think is going to happen that will be so terrible? I think I am going to go fucking nuts if I go there, that’s what. I feel so fragile and so on edge that if one person says the slightest thing, the tiniest thing that causes any sort of irrational reaction in my brain then I am going to lose it completely. I feel like I will fall apart in front of all of them. I feel like I do not have the strength to even put on an act. Like there is only so much that I can hide: my slashed arms can be hidden with long sleeves, my panic could temporarily be hidden with some Diazepam, my sadness could be hidden with a fake smile stuck on my lips. But everything is so fake.

This here is the reality – the me sitting here with last night’s make up still smudged all over my face, sitting in my pyjamas at almost 4pm in the day – sitting alone – with just my dogs for company – with my cuts all over my arms and bits of plaster holding me together.

I just can’t find anything to hold all of me together. I am falling apart all over, anxious and panicked, depressed and giving up the fight. I know they just want me to be normal, I know they don’t understand, I know they don’t want to have to lie or think of excuses for the rest of the family as to my whereabouts. But would it be so bloody awful for them just to say “you know, she’s ill and she is finding it really difficult to be around people right now, so we are just going to leave her alone until she feels a bit better and comes to us, we aren’t going to pressure her” – if they were to do that it would be so much better. If I was sitting here thinking that their was a family gathering on today that I could go to if I wanted to, if I chose to, but nobody expected me to, then maybe I would be dealing with it better. But as the clock ticks on and it gets later and later I feel the pressure building up inside me to be there. I feel like I am waiting for someone to appear at my door and drag me kicking and screaming.

I feel like I am letting them all down. I feel like I am being a disappointment and embarrassment to them.

Am I alone? Is someone else reading this and in the exact same boat? Are you in hibernation for Xmas as well?

Luke 2:4-8 (NLT)

And because Joseph was a descendant of King David, he had to go to Bethlehem in Judea, David’s ancient home. He traveled there from the village of Nazareth in Galilee. He took with him Mary, his fiancée, who was now obviously pregnant. And while they were there, the time came for her baby to be born. She gave birth to her first child, a son. She wrapped him snugly in strips of cloth and laid him in a manger, because there was no lodging available for them.

Silent Night is an ever popular Christmas hymn/song that resonates throughout the holiday season. Its lyric and melody depict a tranquil arrival of our Lord on that night so very long ago. The time and place which Jesus Christ entered this world was anything but that! First, his mother, Mary and step-father, Joseph, had endured much scrutiny and rejection because of the way in which God chose to send His Only Son. God is known for using totally unconventional methods and many people had rejected God’s Chosen vessels as the Truth was not evident to them and they refused to believe it. Imagine doing nothing wrong yet enduring days of glaring looks and constant gossip. In the midst of such pressure, a census was called which required them to travel a great distance to register. It was mandatory. Mary was far along in her pregnancy which delayed the journey further as she was unable to travel at a fast pace for obvious reasons. Upon their arrival, the town was full of people. Every inn was full and people were everywhere. It was loud and noisy with the people and filled with the animals that brought them to this one place for this appointed time. Chaos was the order of the day as is often the case when a large number of people gather in an unfamiliar place and agitated nerves from exhaustion often rule human emotions under such circumstances. Finally finding a stable to sleep for the night, it became apparent that their child would enter the world in such a place. What possibly could have been peaceful about that night? Animals braying, people laughing, babies crying, and the sights and sounds of the city full to overflowing. Yet in the night as the Savior entered the world, He brought with Him something that would make people call this night – Silent Night!

Christmas has brought full houses, bustling with activity, and even the occasional frazzled nerves. Family and friends join together with large meals and planned activities. Christmas music in the background or maybe your favorite Christmas movie with the children tucked in bed and the day finally here. Christmas! In the darkness when Christmas Eve meets Christmas Day, there is a stillness that comes after the children finally close their eyes and tired parents sit for a well-earned break. Exhaustion from cooking, entertaining, shopping, wrapping, preparing and executing numbs our mind to the chaos of Christmas and there is finally a moment of silence. In the manger is baby Jesus, He is finally here. It is in that moment that I realized what He brought with Him that busy night all those Christmas’ ago. Jesus brought peace with Him! He is the Prince of Peace! Anyone who experiences the Presence of Jesus Christ in their life will have this peace! He brings it with Him! His Birth resonated stillness and quiet peace over a city bursting at the seams with humanity and craziness. It was irrelevant of its surroundings – peace won the atmosphere! Silent Night, Holy Night, All is calm, All is bright!

Isaiah 9:6-7 (NLT)

For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. His government and its peace will never end.

The night that Jesus Christ was born, He brought with Him – Peace! In the moments after His birth, it captivated the environment. His Presence has a way of doing that even in the most chaotic circumstances and craziest situations. He always brings Peace with Him. He is the Prince of Peace. This Christmas no matter how many gifts you are blessed with there is no greater gift than a house filled with the Peace of God available through Jesus Christ! It started the night of His Birth and continues into today! Seek it! Desire it! Live in it!

On behalf of Pure Devotion and our family, Merry Christmas to all of you! Happy Birthday Jesus! We love you and worship you today and always! Thank you for your peace! May God bless you and your families in the coming year with every good and perfect gift that He has promised beginning with His Peace!

So, what’s going on?  Not a whole lot.  Today is Christmas Eve, and it’s been a good day.  I haven’t done much today, went out to the store to pick up a few things, cleaned up my room a bit, wrapped a few gifts…just normal things.  I did actually accomplish something big today.  I finished my book.  I am a world famous author, but you probably haven’t heard of me.  I’ve written tons of books, had hundreds published and made millions.  Yeah, right.  Give me a few years and I might be able to make that a reality, but for now I’ve just got my one book.  I started working on it in January of this year and have been plugging away at it for damn near a year.  Well, early January to Christmas Eve.  Doesn’t get much closer to a year, does it?  Now comes the butchery…also known as editing.  I don’t think that I’m going to change a lot about it, though.  Mostly just look for any kind of grammatical errors and stuff that doesn’t flow how I like it.  I’m pretty satisfied with the book as-is to tell you the truth.  It has been a labor of love.  I’ve found that I really enjoy writing.  Well, I’ve known that for years, have always loved writing, but I must say that I really enjoyed working on something as big as a novel.  I’m already thinking of the sequel, and I also have a few ideas for completely different books rattling around in my mind.  I think I’ll try my hand at something new before I write the sequel.  As much as I’ve loved immersing myself in the story, I think I’m ready for a change.  Take a break, you know?  Not a break from writing in general, but a break from the story I’ve been writing.

After I’ve finished with all the edits, I do plan on trying my damnedest to get this thing published.  I’ll be marketing it as being a “fiction”, kind of a sci-fi/fantasy deal, but the book is actually based on a true story.  Sort of.  My story.  The whole basis of the book is that there is a guy who enters into a life like my delusion was when I first went crazy, except in the book it is all real.  It actually happens to him.  He develops all sorts of powers, becomes a living god, etc.  Probably half of the book comes from things that actually happened in my mind.  Of course, some of the details were changed to make for a better story, but the meat of it is true.  It’s not exactly an autobiography, but not truly fiction, either.  Kind of a blend of both.  I’ll market it as straight fiction, though.  At least for starters.  Maybe when I go on Oprah I’ll tell the world I’m crazy and so on, but that’s a few years in the future.

I’ve been doing something that might make “real” authors cringe with my book.  I’ve been posting every chapter on my MySpace page as a blog for my friends to read.  It’s been fun.  Really only two of my friends have been following it, but they have been avid readers.  Every time a chapter gets posted they jump on it and read it, leaving comments and ideas.  I’ve got to give them some credit here; “Thomas” and “Gig” have been a great help with this book.  Two ways, really.  Of course they’ve given me some ideas and good positive criticism, but also they have been great motivators.  I don’t know if I would have written the whole thing without them.  I knew I couldn’t just give up and drop the idea with two great fans hanging on every chapter – they would have kicked my ass if I tried to quit!

I’ve really got to give credit to two people for me deciding to tackle the book in the first place:  my boss and my Dad.  Let me start with my boss.  A few months before I decided to try writing my book she asked me something that really got me thinking.  One day I was in her office, just chatting with her, when she said “So, Travis, tell me…what did you always want to be when you grew up?”  I thought for a minute, then said “Well, I always wanted to be an author.”  Then she asked “Why aren’t you?”  I couldn’t answer her.  Why wasn’t I?  What was stopping me from being one?  Just the fact that I hadn’t written a book, I guess.  That conversation nagged at me for awhile, and finally I decided to do something about it.  So I wrote a book.  Also, my Dad was another reason I decided to start writing it.  Early this year he decided to take up painting.  He started watching shows on painting, reading books about it and stuff.  He bought a bunch of brushes, paint, all the tools needed.  Then he started painting.  He’s done some really nice paintings, too.  I said to myself “if Dad can be a painter, why can’t I be an author?”  Again, I didn’t have an answer, so I decided to try my hand at it.  Glad I did, too.  I’ve really enjoyed this whole writing thing.

So, after the edits is the publishing.  Or rather, attempts at publishing.  I’m a little nervous about that.  Not the rejection, really.  I can handle rejection, and besides, there are hundreds of publishing companies.  If some won’t give me the time of the day, there are always others.  I worry a bit about meeting with the people and stuff.  I don’t do well in meetings, not with my anxiety issues, but this is important to me and I know I’ll deal with it.  I’ll just take my beta-blocker and try to keep calm.  So, wish me luck!  Hopefully one day I’ll be the next Stephen King.  Hey, who knows?  I may even get a movie deal out of it!  If anyone has any advice about publishing a book, please comment.  I’ve done a bit of reading on it, and the jury is out about agents.  Some people say you don’t need one, others say you do.  A lot of the big publishers won’t even accept work from authors – only from established agents.  Ah well, we’ll see.  I’ll try on my own to get this book in print, and if that doesn’t work I’ll see about getting an agent on board.

Well, tomorrow is Christmas, so I wish you all a very merry one.  Enjoy the time with family and friends.  Think about all our men and women serving abroad and say a prayer to whichever Deity you like.  Send some positive energy their way.  I’ve got a friend over in the desert, and I wish him all the best.  That’s it for tonight.  Have a good night and don’t go crazy

There are many bloggable things going on in my life at the moment. Although my current mental and emotional state doesn’t make it easy for me to settle on one to write about it, explore it and then release it’s hold on me. Instead I jump back and forth between emotions and run circles around varying thoughts in a hectic, unsettling kind of way. It’s cool though, right now I’m at peace with the lack of peace. It’s like, you know, whatever. I’m sitting on my fitness ball in the empty office, The Kinks currently plays and I drink green tea and eat mango and yogurt, how can I not be at peace? Some of the bloggable parts of my life, namely, are Marc; questions and uncertainties grow, work; boy howdy this place has shaken me in the last few months and I only see it continuing that way, and family; which should only be mentioned in a passworded post. If I try to write on any of the aforementioned topics my head blurs and heart races and I then remember that there is a brand new pack of Valium in my draw, ‘just a quarter,’ ‘no, you don’t need it.’

People ask me what it is that triggers my anxiety and when they do I think about the answer in terms of specific situations; work, home, crowds, whatever, and proceed to tell them that there is no specific trigger. I say that nothing specific is a trigger because it occurs across all areas of my life, beginning in Thailand, moving to Uni, then work and all along hanging in the background of whatever situation I am in. Recently I’ve been thinking about what is the common theme in all these situation when the anxiety has a strong presence. And I had an insight. It’s being (or feeling) incompetent! Thinking about the situations in which the anxiety has been a major player what also exists is feeling like I’ve done something stupid or that I’m not as good as I should be at something. It’s not failure that I speak of, if I try something and perform as good as one could be expected to but fail, that’s cool, no stress over that. I’d prefer to try something, give it a good go and fail then have not tried at all. And on the flip side, I could still feel this sense of incompentancy if the end result was success if I took a stupid way if getting there. It’s the means that gets to me and inparticular, it’s my stupid methods and actions. Am I too hard on myself? Do I expect more of myself than I would someone else? Do I see incompentancy and stupidity in myself when it doesn’t exist at all? I don’t know, perhaps, perhaps not. It’s no secret I can be pretty stupid at times but I’m not a stupid girl. Now I’m just typing thoughts as they come. Let me explore my thoughts more on this and come back to you. Right now I’m going to eat a delicious Xmas lunch at Lentils and enjoy doing some good for the people there.

It is 50 minutes into Christmas Day. I have just got back from the cemetery, I went at midnight to do the balloon release for my little angel that I mentioned a few posts back. I took a little candle with me that’s sitting next to his stone (which is still covered in thick snow) and bought a silver star shaped balloon for him. A big star for my little star. It was emotional and I shed a few tears and shouted as loud as I could to him to catch it in Heaven. I really hope he does. I also attached a note to the balloon, I won’t say everything it said on it but I will say that I told him that never a day goes by where I don’t think of him and that if he ever needs his Mummy up there with him to just give me a sign and I will be there in a flash. I meant every word on my note, I would like to believe it will reach him somehow.

This afternoon was odd, I met my social worker for a while and she came with me while I got some last minute Xmas shopping. I couldn’t face going alone when it was so busy; yes it is a tiny place but it was still super busy. I freaked at one point but didn’t say anything to her, because I saw my ex getting out his car further down the street, that was all I needed to see when I was already panicking. However, it went ok in the end and I got what I needed then came home.

Then came the odd bit, I literally walked into the house, put my bags down then cut myself. For no real reason at all. Everything is just building up and up in me and I hadn’t cut for a couple of days so I just did it. It is currently being held together with strips of plaster cut like steri strip skin closures because the shops were all closed by then and I really couldn’t face the hospital.

After doing that and getting myself together I went up to the cemetery with flowers for my little man, but it was pitch black by then and the flower pots were frozen solid, so I just had to lay them on the snow. I came home after that and cut again, only deeper this time, and again fixed it up with strips of plaster. The thing is that when I am cutting I do not care about the consequences, I do not care if I go too deep, I do not care how much blood I lose, I do not care if I cut deep enough to hit a vein or artery or anything else. I just need to do it. But afterwards I find myself staring at the damage and wanting to make sure the scar isn’t going to be too bad. None of it makes sense really because the majority of the time I do not bother to put any kind of dressing on, I just give it a wash with TCP then rub some savlon in and leave it alone. But when it comes to scarring, well I want to keep it minimal. There are a few cuts on me at the moment which are going to scar and I know that due to using stanley blades at the moment instead of just a normal razor is making them deeper and more likely to scar. Nothing makes sense, as I said.

Thankfully I have a long sleeved top to wear tomorrow so I can keep it all hidden. The last thing I need on an already stressful day is people noticing my cuts. My friend text me earlier to tell me she was still in hospital, I feel pretty sad for her being in there on Xmas day but at the same time I am having quite a few unstable moments myself right now. The temptation is growing bigger and stronger to be that balloon that I felt so jealous of.

I feel such a mix of emotion right now: sadness, anxiety, fear, instability, stressed, hurt, tired, worried, self conscious and totally brain frazzled. I really truly just want to hide from the world for the next 24 hours. It’s killing me and the more it wears me down and the more I panic about it all, the more I keep looking for signs. If I see one definite sign that I should be with my little one then that’s exactly where I will be. Parents always say they would do anything for their kids, and trust me, just because one isn’t here on earth, that doesn’t change. Of course if I tell anyone else I saw a sign they will just think I’m barking mad. Irrational thinking. Something like that.

Actually it’s perfectly rational and perfectly logical. My little family got destroyed and I want to put one piece of it back together. I’ve had 28 years in this world, my angel got none. I don’t need any more, I just need to be with him. Why is that so hard for anyone to understand? The next seven days are decision time, decisions about my plans and everything else. Time to put plans into action – the new year = having a new life whether that be in Heaven or on Earth is yet to be decided…

Happy Christmas Everyone

Canadian Parliament Building at Christmas

 Wishing all my blog buddies a great Christmas or whatever you celebrate this time of year.

Glad to be clean, sober, happy, warm, fed, loved, sane, serene, forgiven and recovering.  What more could anyone ask for?

Gratefully,

Chaz

I can understand her comment. It wasn’t “you’re bipolar” or “I think you could be” or anything. She was letting me know the different options we had for medication if the current ones weren’t panning out as planned and that certain meds work better with people who are more in the bipolar range rather than simply just depression. That was basically her comment. It’s the first time she’s said as much, hence my strong reaction. I can understand, now that time has passed, why she said it. I just wasn’t prepared for it. I also knew that Lithium may come up because one time when I got my meds filled, the pharmacist asked me if I’d been on lithium when he was explaining one of my meds.

I just hate to be labelled, first of all, and second, while I know that bipolar people can lead normal lives and everything, I’ve known people who’ve been in and out of hospitals for years because of it. That is such a great fear of mine…I cannot even explain to you how scared I am of that.

I genuinely feel better. I really think the depression cloud has finally lifted (and I hope for some time or permanently!) and am happy about that. Although anxiety has rushed into fill it’s place, it’s a good change.

I still am pondering the whole “bipolar” issue. How do you know if you have a mental illness or if you’re just struggling as a result of situations/events? Does that make you have a mental illness?

[Private journal entry written on August 6, 2009]

My work schedule is about to jump back to fulltime this coming week (I work for the school district). I have been feeling emotionally stable lately . . even to the point of being happy. I am sure it has a lot to do with how relaxed my schedule has been.

I am concerned about my ability to remain mostly stabilized as the school year starts. I can feel the pressure starting to build . . I’m frantically aware of the fact I only have a little over three days of free time left before I have to ramp up my self-discipline and time management skills.

Ali Mountain by Martin Chen

In the past, my usual response to the anticipated ramp-up would be to make a very complex schedule and to-do list. It sounds like a very good idea . . . but, within the first 24-48 hours, I invariably get triggered, end up in a heap under my bedcovers, and don’t get even the basics done. Then, I feel like a failure – and shame takes over my body, mind and soul.

In the past, I have repeatedly told myself it will all be okay if I could just get my act together – if I could just grit my teeth hard enough.

I could easily see the repeated breakdown of my system. Yet, I really believed there was no other workable structure – anything less structured would be irresponsible – if anything, more structure would be the ultimate answer. The problem was obviously me – my weakness as a human being. There was no way the problem could be with the system.

Well, this summer, I have been entertaining the possibility the problem lays mostly within my system. I have been entertaining the possibility that I could be productive in the absence of such extensive structure. My work in the “Courage to Heal” book has been instrumental in my willingness to consider those possibilities.

So . . . here is what I am going to do in these last few days of free time . . .

I will create a list of things that need to get done each day/week/month. I’m not going to put time values on them, I’m not going to commit to doing them at a particular time of day. I’m not going to track how many of them I get done (or don’t) each day. I’m not going to have a points system.

I will place a priority on each one . . . and I will do them in order of priority. That way, I know I’m not missing the really important stuff. But, I’m not going to attach any meaning to how far down the list I get each day.

I am not going to plan my meals. Instead, I’m going to continue to embrace emotions like I have been doing . . . and trust that this practice will minimize my desire to binge eat and overeat. It has been ten days since I last binged (that half-eaten pint of ice cream is still in the freezer) – so, I’m starting to put some stock in this practice.

In the absence of binging, I have been eating fresh produce and plenty of protein. I am taking the time to prepare whole grain dishes. I am doing this despite not having a plan to do so. I’m just doing it because I want to do it. This has never happened before. That is why I’m placing stock in this practice of embracing my emotions. I don’t think I really need an eating plan right now – I seem to be doing better without one.

I am not going to track what I put into my mouth. I know most nutritionists would recommend doing that – but it has a very negative effect on me. I’m just going to trust that I’m eating well – I think it is safe to assume that my nutritional intake is much improved since binging has gone away and fresh produce has made an appearance for the first time in months.

I’m not going to track my weight – I might check it once in a blue moon, but I’m not going to weigh myself everyday. I weighed this week and I know I have gained back 12 of the 21 pounds I lost this spring. However, given the fact I have eaten gallons of very rich ice cream since the weight loss challenge and have done virtually no exercise, that’s not too bad!

I’m not going to plan my exercise. Instead, I’ll go hike (or whatever) when I feel like it. I’m going to listen to what my body wants – instead of doing what some charted plan says I’m supposed to do. I’m not going to write down how much exercise I performed. I’m just going to enjoy the endorphins running around my body in the afterglow.

As I’m writing this, I can feel my body starting to relax. This is exactly what I needed to hear from myself. I needed a reprieve from perfectionism. Good. I’m learning to listen to my body – and to honor what it is saying.

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Speaking about “control” . . .

The posts that are being published right now (in August) are the ones about the last days of my relationship with Dr. Barb. As I have been reading through them, I am seeing something interesting . . .

I couldn’t see it at the time, but I can see it now . . . how powerless I felt with her. Instead of empowering me to follow my instincts, she just kept trying to tighten control over me by regulating what I said in session, by regulating what I wrote in my journal, by trying to regulate what I thought and ate and how I exercised.

Instead of helping me to work through stuff, she just re-created the suffocating control I experienced with my parents. It could have been an opportunity, through “transference”, for me to learn how to shift my experience with authority figures.

However, I don’t think she was a “blank screen”. I think she was blindly entrenched in her part of the dance. I don’t think she was detachedly reflecting back to me. I think I was seeing her in our sessions, not a mirror.

When I selected her as a therapist, I selected an updated version of my parents. No wonder my relationship with my parents was re-enacted with her. Hmmmmm . . . .