This year I have so much to be thankful for.
My daughter came home from school this week with a turkey stuffed with things she is thankful for.
My son brought home a Thanksgiving necklace and turkey hat.  He is gobbling all over the house.
My friends have been beyond supportive and wonderful to me – continually listening and offering advice. I know for certain that I couldn’t have made it this far without them.
Work has also been great again this year! My “clients” are wonderful and they make me laugh every day.  I can get through the rest knowing that they make me laugh and work hard.

But there is one lingering question on my mind this week:
What to do this week during the Thanksgiving holiday?

This, is only what I imagine, divorced or separated couples feel like when dates and times are discussed about what to do with the kids…what will happen for the holidays or birthdays…who gets what time and for how long.
I have absolutely no idea what to do with DB.  Do I take him to my Aunt’s house?  How do I act if I do? Is it worth my sanity?  How much do I take-on for my kids?

Then, there’s DB’s family.   Is it really worth going to see his family and sitting there and dealing with his father’s cruel looks and biting comments while his mom tries to make everything ok?  How much will I, DB, or the kids be able to handle?

Overwhelmingly, I don’t want to give up my time or my kids time. I really would like to have family be the focus of this Thanksgiving. But, I know that this is impossible for DB.  He’s not thinking about me or us.  He really is only thinking of himself.

Despite all of the negativity in my life –being thankful for what I have means that I need to focus on myself and my kids.  Eventually, maybe, there will be more to be thankful for…but for now, I will focus on what I have.

I have blogged in the past about my relationship (or lack of a genuine one) with my father.  In my last post on the subject I was venting spleen over what I felt to be an incredibly insulting, patronising and vicious email from him.  I decided to write to him, telling him exactly what I thought, cathartically expunging from my soul the full list of pain and suffering that had built up since he walked out on us twenty-odd years ago.

Then my younger sister phoned me. She is still in contact with him (the only one of four children). She knew about the email.  She asked me not to write to him, or at least, not to send it. His cancer had returned.

It had been no longer than a couple of months since he’d had the news that his primary (a bowel tumour) had disappeared, and the secondaries on his liver and lungs were so small that the consultant believed them to be dead.

But back it had come. And this time it would mean a different course of chemotherapy. This time he would lose his hair. This time he would also not have fully recovered from the last treatment.

I thought long and hard about how I felt about the news. Was I upset – certainly. Did I want him to suffer? No, definitely not. Did it change my decision to break contact? No.

A few weeks later, on a Saturday morning, I bumped into him. J, I and the twins were back in our hometown, staying with J’s parents. The tiny High Street in the town is only perhaps 400 yards long, and he was walking towards me as I pushed the twins on their morning constitutional to take in the sea air. It was awkward. He was evidently delighted to see the twins, which didn’t sit altogether well with his statement (which is etched in my brain) that not to see the twins ‘wouldn’t be the hardship I obviously thought it would’.

We spoke briefly – I asked about the new treatment that was lined up to start in a month or so’s time, and he asked about the kids. As we parted and he walked away, he call back to ask if I’d send photos of them. Soon.  As I crossed the road away from him I said I’d see.

About a week or so later, he was already asking for pictures. I asked J what she thought of the situation. In her ever-wise way, she told me that I needed to decide for myself, but that any decision that I made, I would have to be comfortable with in light of the fact that he might not live too long. If I decided not to reopen contact (and didn’t ever tell him how I really felt), would I carry guilt/anger/sadness with me for the remaining 30-40 years of my life?

I still couldn’t really understand the turnaround from not wanting any contact with me or the kids, to wanting to see photos of them regularly.  Perhaps it’s the simple fact that he wanted to resolve things but couldn’t (or wouldn’t) apologise. Perhaps he felt he didn’t need to, that the problem was of my making. He is certainly stubborn and unable to see things from anything other than his own viewpoint.

I decided that I would not send the letter. I would send a few pictures. But they wouldn’t be accompanied by any real communication in the email.

His treatment started. I heard from my sister it wasn’t going well.  He was losing weight again, and rapidly.

But he replied to the photos email and was enthusiastic, effusive about the twins.

Another email request came in a few weeks later. I sent some more – again, wonderful praise for how gorgeous they were.

My mother informed me that he wasn’t doing well.  Was this a dying man reaching out?

I decided, after talking to other members of the family, that I had to say something.  I emailed that I couldn’t forget his email, especially the comment about the children. And that there was evidently talking to be done.  But now was not the time – he needed to focus on getting well again. And I included some more pictures.

He emailed back, again, so full of praise for the children, saying how the pictures brightened up his days. This time he included how bad he was feeling, how he’d lost a huge amount of weight, and couldn’t walk far; how he was sleeping for days straight and finding it difficult to get up and down stairs.

When I left J in Cape Town, she sent some pictures back of them all to comfort me in my loneliness.  I knew he would welcome seeing them too.

On Sunday, he phoned. He told me that he was too tired to email – found concentrating at the computer too difficult – but wanted to thank me for them. We spoke for a bit – staying on the same topics: he asked me about the children and I asked him about his treatment and how he was coping.

His voice sounded hollow.

I don’t think he’ll make it through this set of 12 chemotherapies. They’ve already postponed one because of his weight loss and have put him on steroids.

I knew he’d made a big effort to call. I reciprocated. I said that when J is home, it’s likely that she’ll want to head back to our hometown to see her parents and show them how Ella is crawling and all their new teeth. Would he like to see them? Definitely, but he told me he couldn’t get out. Would he like me to bring them round? Yes please. He had evidently changed his mind about me not being welcome in his house. Is this a sign that the nose that he cut off to spite his face is being slowly glued back in place? Perhaps.

I’m going to take the kids round and I hope that he cherishes the time. Unfortunately I think he may only have limited opportunities to spend with them. I’d love to turn the clock back twenty years, have all the conversations that we should have had, had the relationship we should have had. But that would have meant him changing massively, and sadly I don’t think he ever would have done. Perhaps this new reminder of his own mortality may be changing his attitude a little. I’d like to think so.

I have sent him more photos since the call. I may even phone to check that he’s had them.

At this point I don’t think I’ll ever have the real conversation that I need to have with him. Maybe children never really do, and that the scars inside just help us be better parents to our own.

Am I foolish? Am I heartless? Should I just put it all behind me at the risk of carrying it round as emotional baggage for the rest of my life? Should I try to talk it through with a stubborn, selfish, and decidedly sick old man? Am I doing the right thing?

I hope the pain is light for him.

From TheWashingtonPost.com:

One year ago, I stood with city leaders on a hill in Northeast as we broke ground for affordable housing in the District. When the St. Martin’s Apartments are completed, nearly 200 low-income families and individuals will get a fresh start on life in a wonderful example of the type of effective public-private partnerships the residents of our nation’s capital need.

St. Martin’s is being developed by Catholic Charities, on land owned by the Catholic Church and with funding sources that include the District of Columbia.

Catholic Charities and the Archdiocese of Washington are committed to continuing to serve the people of the District as we have for many decades. That includes partnerships such as St. Martin’s. Unfortunately, the D.C. Council is considering legislation that could end these kinds of partnerships.

It doesn’t need to be that way. While we do not agree with the council on redefining marriage, we recognize that it is firmly committed to opening marriage to homosexual couples. We are asking that new language be developed that more fairly balances different interests — those of the city to redefine marriage and those of faith groups so that they can continue to provide services without compromising their deeply held religious teachings and beliefs. The archdiocese has not been alone in requesting broader language. Other groups, including the American Civil Liberties Union, the InterFaith Conference of Metropolitan Washington and nationally recognized legal scholars all called for stronger protections for religious freedom in their testimony on the original bill.

For the archdiocese and Catholic Charities, two core tenets of our faith are at the heart of our concerns: our understanding of the nature of marriage and our commitment to expressing Christ’s love through service to others. Under the legislative language before the D.C. Council, the archdiocese would be forced to choose between these two principles. The archdiocese has long made clear that all people have equal dignity, regardless of sexual orientation. But marriage is reserved for husband and wife because of its essential connection with the creation of children.

The proposed legislation offers little protection for religious beliefs, including no protections for individuals, as is required under the federal Religious Freedom Restoration Act. Under the bill, religious organizations would be exempt from participating in ceremonies or from teaching about same-sex marriage in religion classes and retreats in accordance with their faith beliefs, but they would be required to recognize and promote same-sex marriage everywhere else, including in employment policies, and adoption and foster-care policies, against their beliefs.

The proposed legislation offers little protection for religious beliefs, including no protections for individuals, as is required under the federal Religious Freedom Restoration Act. Under the bill, religious organizations would be exempt from participating in ceremonies or from teaching about same-sex marriage in religion classes and retreats in accordance with their faith beliefs, but they would be required to recognize and promote same-sex marriage everywhere else, including in employment policies, and adoption and foster-care policies, against their beliefs.

So what does this mean?

The archdiocese and Catholic Charities are committed to continuing to provide services in the District. Despite the headlines, there has been no threat or ultimatum to end services, just a simple recognition that the new requirements by the city for religious organizations to recognize same-sex marriages in their policies could restrict our ability to provide the same level of services as we do now. This is so because the District requires Catholic Charities to certify its compliance with city laws when applying for contracts and grants. This includes contracts for homeless services, mental health services, foster care and more. Since Catholic Charities cannot comply with city mandates to recognize and promote same-sex marriages, the city would withhold contracts and licenses.

Each year, 68,000 people in the District rely on Catholic Charities for shelter, nutrition, medical and legal care, job training, immigration assistance and more. This assistance is offered to whoever needs it, regardless of race, religion, gender, nationality or sexual orientation. Many of the programs are offered in partnership with the city, which turns to Catholic Charities and other ministries when it cannot provide social services on its own. Catholic Charities has a proven track record of high-quality service, supported through caring, qualified staff, thousands of dedicated volunteers and millions of dollars in financial support from parishioners all over the region. This legislation won’t end Catholic Charities’ services, but it would reduce unnecessarily the resources available for outreach.

We recognize that the council is likely to legalize same-sex marriage. It is the hope of the archdiocese and Catholic Charities that council members will work with us to find a way to better balance interests so religious organizations that have served this city well for many decades may continue to provide services without compromising the tenets of their faith.

The writer is archbishop of Washington.

So once again I find myself sleepless, but not in Seattle. Never the less, it’s about a boy. I did not intend for this blogspot to be my diary on line, I very much loath those people who do that, but it seems to be working better than therapy anyways so what the hell. We are all failing humans. If it helps, the function of me writing here will help fulfill my dream of becoming a writer some day, so I feel that makes up for my shortcomings in the world of love. So once again I will bug you with the Andy blog, with a promise of that next time I will write of something different… Like a job I have wheeled in whist bitching and moaning about my long lost nemesis.

Apparently my stop start and again blog did not work quite as well as I hoped in the telepathic department. Being a complete mess after leaving him behind, I slowly started to shed my shell of anger after only one week. Feeling rather good about that, since I originally had lesser thoughts of myself, you cannot believe the panic I went through when I saw his name come up on my phone a slow Sunday afternoon, about four weeks later. Why the hell would he call? The thought have been running through my mind ever since I pressed the little red button and hoped to God he would only try once before giving up. He has always made me aware of his pride in leaving people behind, and I know I am not special, he has made that perfectly clear. So what diagnoses does the doctor then have left? A lie maybe?

I have always known I am a bit of a, well I will not brag here, but those of you who have read my blog must at some point have thought “why does she bother with this”. For that question there are so many answers, but first and foremost: I am driven by curiosity. Nuts as that makes me, I cannot control it and the text blinking back at him as he regretted his phone call said “what do you want?”. His response: “nothing”. See this really bugs me by now, I know he is lying because he will never do something he does not profit from, and he rarely even does that so what on earth would possess him to make this phone call? I’m a slow thinker. So I let a day pass and sent an “I’m not mad, but still want you to piss off”-kind of message. Of course he responds in the same manner as your mirror image would scratch its head if you scratched yours. If he agrees, then why? It is getting quite clear to me that I am dealing with a monkey dressed up in a cool hat and socks. It sucks.

So you see my problem: endless curiosity mixed with repetitive head scratching ends up like a meeting between five philosophers discussing whether trees make noise when they fall in the woods even if you not there. It’s going nowhere, or nowhere smart for that matter. The last week I have spent trying to date other people, but since I am writing about Andy and not them you can guess the success I’ve had, and wondering if I should be mad and not forgiving in this situation. Anger is like the extra kilos in your bag, it will only weigh you down, but if the weight is lighter than his words maybe I should give it a go?

I did. Boiling up trying to save everything for the next time he would have another lonely moment, my bubble burst and I decided there will not be a next time. I was not pleasant in my writings, but he deserves no less and if anything would ever get through his thick and remarkably resistant scull I was going to make sure that it was this. Pond the replay is apparently his thing, though the text was broken (by the love of God I presume, or I would yet again have crumbled for his…. I’m all out of words) and I resumed down the path I had chosen, bombarding the unknown enemy with an order for silence. What he meant to say, I have realized all too late, does not matter because I don’t understand his line of thought. I will never grasp the phenomenon which he articulates because I am sane (enough) and reasoning this with the fact that I would understand a sane persons line of though any other day, I find he must not be. Or it’s all a lie. Curiosity is getting the better of me in this downward spiral. Lie or not, I know my own stands and views in this chaos and if I do not let go I will spend all my time in front of the mirror, scratching my head like any other monkey. Let this telepathic thought be sent from all of you to the most stubborn man in the world: “Get a life”

Upon that I beg your pardon for all the ponds I have showered you with. I will refrain from quoting movies and song titles next time.

Tonight on my way home, I encountered my tube nemesis. I regularly encounter this rude gentleman on my way home – he gets on at Holborn and gets off at Liverpool Street, which is on my way home. He is aged around 50 years old I estimate, and I’ve never met someone as self-obsessed and openly maligned.

He will always persist in shoving people out of the way on the tube for his own personal gain and inconveniencing everyone at every possible account, wherever he can, however he can, to whoever he can – a reflection, he tells me angrily when I confront him (no one else will stand up for themselves), on his own life. He denotes proudly that selfishness is the only virtue that will get anyone anywhere, that it is the only way to live. How wrong he is. And how poorly this reflects on humanity.

If all humans thought as he did, they would speed up our species’ self destruct button, taking the rest of the ecosystem and the planet with it. If humans will not look out for each other, who will? Not a sky God keeping things ticking over from above – no. Humans have evolved to live differently from other animals, who collectively DO live selfishly in this manner in the animal kingdom in order to survive. Although it is often painted that way, human society does not have to reflect the animal kingdom in that sense. There is no one looking after us, no master plan in nature – merely what we have around us.

As one of the only fully self-aware species in a world faced with SO many global problems, it is alarming that people can be so extravagantly destructive of themselves and everyone around them. The way this man has lived his life – in a completely selfish manner as he so loudly proclaims – is a horrific example of this.

I’m no do-gooder. And certainly no preacher. I find no gratification in those things. But to encounter someone actively living such a destructive life like that just astounds me. He will consume and destroy, and no doubt his children too, until he dies, and leave behind a large footprint for those he’s selfishly passed his genes onto to suffer the consequences. Or maybe they will grow to assume his life stance, and also consume, have more children who’ll consume, and have more children…

So, he is my Tube Nemesis. Not in the sense that most people describe (i.e. “I always see X person and we always dash for the last seat!”) but in the sense that I cannot stand his ideals and aggressively destructive, intrusive, loudly offensive way of life. He is just one person. But how many more are just like him? I don’t  know.

I end this blog with a cynical video about the consequences of having children and being selfish. Pretty closely related to my encounter today, presented in a light hearted manner – but something I feel strongly about. And now, I return to my Management coursework for my adult learning class, feeling a little better after blogging this.

When I left AP’s place on Sunday after the argument, I’d literally stormed out and sent him a text saying how unfair I felt he’d been. He replied and I sent a text back saying I’d call him later when the children were in bed because I didn’t want to get into a back and forth text argument … but we needed to clear the air so that we could talk properly the next day. This was very much a “breathe in deeply and rise above it all” action. I am trying to work hard on those because ultimately I know damned well that I am so very much in love with AP and that I am lucky enough that the man I’ve totally fallen for is in love with me too! The arguments that we have are never over anything “split-up-able” and ultimately we both are very much in love with each other. AP is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and it is okay that occasionally things happen between us that bug each other. That’s life, especially when you put a Cancer female with an Aquarian male, but that is a whole other subject!!!

We both knew we needed to talk today, but events conspired against us! When my ex dropped the children off yesterday, he told me that our 9 year old son had been unwell all day, so I was half expecting him to still be unwell today and it didn’t surprise me when I woke him up and immediately knew he was NOT going to school! My son has ADHD and Aspergers (Autism Spectrum) so he is constantly on the go. When he gets ill, he literally just stops and I mean literally S-T-O-P-S. He’ll find himself a comfortable place, snuggle up and he won’t move unless he needs the toilet and even then he’ll ask me to carry him up the stairs because “his legs aren’t working!”

One tip I need to pass on here (sorry I digress) is to always take your kids temperatures when they are healthy so you KNOW what their healthy temperature is. My daughter and I are both naturally around 36°C when we are healthy and the normal guideline is 37.5° – but my son … normal for him is around 34°, so by the time he reaches what the experts consider “normal” he is already 3.5° hotter than his healthy temperature! I wouldn’t even really start to worry about my daughter until she reached around 38.5°C (with other symptoms) but for my son to reach 38.5° is a very poorly little boy indeed!

When my little man is ill, he gets a high temperature, he won’t eat anything, hardly drink unless you practically force him and he’ll barely speak to you as he drifts in and out of sleep/consciousness. Of course I had no choice but to keep him off school and stay home all day and it wasn’t exactly the best environment to have an adult conversation in, so talking to AP today was out. We both agree that when we need to have a serious conversation about something then it is best face to face.

I could have almost predicted that AP wouldn’t go down to work by himself after he found out I wasn’t going down. I could also have predicted that instead of running his own errands, he’s left them for tomorrow. I could have even more predicted that he’d go back to sleep after my 8.15am phone call to say my son wasn’t well and I wouldn’t be down to the workshop! I hadn’t predicted that when I spoke to him just before 2pm in the afternoon that he would still have been half asleep on his sofa!

I was a bit pissy I’ll admit – for so many different reasons, but I held onto it. It is NOT worth getting into an argument with AP about because as I’ve said before … fuck it if I could take a whole day to go back to bed and catch up on sleep then I bloody well would, so why should I begrudge somebody else – especially my boyfriend (who I know works VERY hard) the chance to do the same?

It really just isn’t worth making a big deal of … and if I know AP (which I do!) he’ll have known that I’d feel pissy about it anyway and is probably grateful for the fact that he didn’t get his head bitten off knowing that we still need to “talk” about the weekend.

At any rate my son made a recovery by late afternoon thanks to Calpol (Tylenol to my USA friends) that helped bring his temperature down and lots of hugs & snuggles on the sofa with his mum! I’d almost forgotten how nice it was to just SIT with my son, stroke his head and watch a movie together. It’s rare to get alone time with one of my children without the other, so I treasure it when it happens!

Aaaaaaaanyway back to the subject!!

AP had already thanked me for calling him last night to clear the air before going to bed – and I am glad I did too. It’s one of the reasons why I write all of this shit out because it gives me a chance to go RAAAA on my feelings without having to go RAAAA on my boyfriend! This is a very good thing!!

We voice chatted with headsets over MSN tonight (Monday eve) by which time I’d had enough time to calm down significantly from my previously-pissy-but-actually-slightly-very-jealous status of his extra naps today! There was absolutely NO POINT in being silly about him taking advantage of the chance to catch up on sleep because I know damned well I would if I could! LOL

It was a really good chat this evening and he said that he  really appreciated the way that I wasn’t being moody about the whole thing. I asked him point blank “do you know what upset me and what I want to talk to you about?” He replied yes straight away … and that is almost good enough for me. AP is not a stupid man – far from it and he isn’t blind either! In fact that is almost funny to say that because he is actually incredibly observant!

I think all I ever wanted really was a bit of acknowledgement that yes, he was acting like a bit of an ass and that he’ll try to be a bit more considerate of my feelings in the future. It’s all we can ask of each other really! Like I said, he isn’t stupid and he knows damned well why I was upset and why my feelings were hurt. Thanks to my blog and sitting up until late last night, I’ve got all of the crap and bad feeling out of my system so we can talk tomorrow and hopefully reach a point that I think we are finally getting to.

I know I am learning something from every single argument that we have – whether it’s that my boyfriend really appreciates a hug as a make-up gesture or that sometimes I just need to shut-the-fuck-up and say nothing …

and I miss him! We’ve not seen each other since I left just before 7pm on Sunday eve when I had to go get my kids …I really really miss him and need an AP hug right now xx

På min riksdags-PRAO för Vänsterpartiet – som slutade för ett par veckor sedan – skrev jag som jag berättat om här på bloggen ett dokument om IPRED som respons på Vänsterpartiets IPRED-motion, innehållande argument mot, bakgrundsfakta (lista över svenska fildelningsrättsfall och studier om fildelningens verkan på kulturskapande), samt analys av Socialdemokraternas nyliga kongressbeslut rörande IPRED. Dokumentet fick jag i uppgift att skriva av Mikael von Knorring (informationspolitiskt aktiv vänsterpartist på deras riksdagskansli; regelbunden bloggare; sympatisk människa). Sprid mycket gärna dokumentet; ju mer IPRED-förhandingarna mellan (S) och (V) uppmärksammas, desto mer lär (S) följa medborgarnas åsikt i den (så pusha gärna inlägget med pusha-länken i slutet). Jag skall inte uppehålla mig vid inledningen av detta blogginlägg, utan publicerar nedan helt enkelt dokumentet nedan.

Friday night was AMAZING … I won’t give details but damn and WOW!

Then Saturday afternoon AP said something that was a “joke” in the way that he does … he makes little “funny” comments that are generally digs at me in a humerous way and most of the time I laugh them off because I know he’s joking and I see where the joke is coming from … but sometimes they go a little too far. We ended up having an argument.

I never got a chance to truly explain to AP how I felt because … well … ugh it’s so hard to explain exactly everything that happened. I wrote him a letter late last night – haven’t given it to him yet but it made it easier to write it all down that way …

AP,
I do love you so very much and it drives me insane when we get ourselves caught up in stupid pointless arguments. Neither of us enjoys that knife cutting atmosphere because ultimately we are very much in love, want to be together and make each other happy for the rest of our lives! I know that when an argument sparks, we both want nothing more than for things to just be back to how they were – all happy, loving and wonderful again, because we both know just how terrific things are between us for the other 99.99% of the time … I know you feel the same way!

All of this started for me on Saturday when you were making one jokey insulting comment after another and grinning at me, so I knew you were joking. We’d had an amazing Friday night and the atmosphere between us was good, so I was letting it go and doing my best not to let it bug me – BUT it was the point that you said to me “don’t be moody and get all wound up” that I actually GOT moody because it was you that had just sat there winding me up and you that had told me I was being moody! Before that I was just trying to let your comments slide past me.

The big red flashing beacon that I have going off in my head is that from my point of view … I don’t always feel that I’ve been given the chance to say everything that I need to say during/after an argument. When I speak, you often interrupt me, and even if you ask me a question, you start talking over me as soon as I start to answer. Even when you realise you are doing it and say you will let me speak, I don’t always get a chance to finish what I am trying to say before you stop me again.

Most of the time I agree it is a joint decision to let something drop and that it is in the best interest of the pair of us, but on Saturday it was you literally stopping me from speaking mid-sentence and deciding that it wasn’t going to develop into an argument, therefore we weren’t going to talk about it! You blatantly cut me off while I was speaking with a Shhhh that left a lot unsaid for me. Honestly it felt like I was there telling you that you’d hurt my feelings and you didn’t really give a crap because you wouldn’t even listen to me speak. It felt like you thought my opinion was worthless. I’m absolutely sure this isn’t true because I know you care about my feelings – but it’s how it felt at the time.

The “jokey digs” you were making at me on Saturday hurt my feelings plain and simple and the things you were saying eventually went from joking to hurtful. I’ve mentioned this to you before and asked you to sometimes please be a bit more wary of what you are saying when you make a “joke”. Your response was that it seems to depend on my mood, and yes, we both know I am capable of being hypersensitive and an emotional wreck, but it doesn’t mean my feelings are less worthy (not saying you think that) but surely if it IS dependent on my mood and you notice I’m a little down … then a hug, a kiss and an ego boost would surely be better than insulting me?

It also really bothered me when I said to you on Saturday that you’d hurt my feelings, your response was pretty much tough luck, it’s the way you are and I have to deal with it! I don’t think that is fair when you are doing/saying something that your partner says is hurtful. Yes I’ve made jokes too, but nowhere near the types of things that you say to me, and I never ever resort to personal digs or insults to provoke a reaction whether it is as a joke or not … and if I know something bothers you or upsets you then I do my damndest to avoid doing/saying it again. I’ve always said sorry straight away when I’ve realised I’ve accidentally hurt your feelings!

I brought this up in our last argument (the spotty bum comment followed by 6 hours of silence despite the fact I apologised as soon as you told me I’d hurt your feelings) and I also tried to tell you then that me saying you had a spotty bum was very different to the way you make jokes and digs at me … you demanded I gave you examples of the digs and I couldn’t come up with any on the spot. This is an example…

Trust me, I KNOW you don’t do it on purpose or out of any sense of maliciousness! I know you are joking and you don’t mean it … but sometimes … sometimes your joke comments are a little bit toooooo much and they hurt my feelings. I should be able to tell you without it ending up in an argument or without me being afraid to speak because we (you) have decided it is a closed subject.

Just before I left today and we started arguing, you were asking me over and over again to tell you whether you apologised for it … I said yes because obviously you did eventually apologise, and admittedly I muttered something under my breath that wasn’t very nice at that point. You half heard correctly and said something about how your apology obviously wasn’t within my timescales, and to be honest, no it wasn’t!

I’d told you quite a few times on Saturday that you’d hurt my feelings and it felt like you were refusing to even see that there was a problem (that’s how it *felt*) because you wouldn’t talk about it. I even pointed out that you hadn’t said sorry … you said simply “no, I haven’t!” What you did was to sit there for a bit until I started skinning up, then you came behind me on the sofa, giving me puppy dog eyes and being all cute hiding behind me, looking up at me, but it wasn’t until you’d managed to extract a half smile from me that you actually said sorry…

At one point I started to say “what makes it worse is that…” and that is as far as I got before you decided we weren’t going to argue about it by shhhing me and ending the conversation.

Ultimately, I feel that you could have said sorry or given me a hug and a kiss as soon as you realised that maybe your comments had gone a bit too far instead of telling me I was wound up and moody (because I wasn’t!!) … and yes, it did take quite a while before you actually said sorry to me after I’d told you up front that you’d hurt my feelings, and after everything you’d put me through after the spotty bum comment after I had apologised to you … it just made me feel like “my” hurt feelings were somehow less important than yours.

Look at it as along the same lines as when you asked me to hug you more after an argument instead of holding your hand as a peace offering. For me, holding hands is a gesture of closeness that leads to a hug … but you need to feel closer sooner. You told me this and as soon as you said it, I filed it away under “important” and I’ve tried to do that since then. I’ve made a point of coming for a hug or at the very least sitting in closer to you for the possibility of a hug sooner instead of stewing or brooding on something – whether it’s an argument or something that has come up.

There have been quite a few other times in the past where you’ve asked me not to say or do certain things … recently like the combat t-shirt for example. As soon as I realised that you had even a very slight problem with it … it was off my back and in the bin without any question whatsoever! I’m not going to carry on my life wearing something that makes my boyfriend feel shit! I feel like I’ve been putting a lot of effort into our relationship, trying to change things about myself that bug you or annoy you and I am simply asking for the same without it resulting in an argument.

It’s little things, and yes I’ve noticed that you’ve done little things for me too, which I appreciate a lot – and this is me asking begging you to please just sometimes especially if I’m tired and cranky then don’t wind me up with joke insults and tell me not to get wound up! It’s like a red flag to a bull, but more importantly it hurts my feelings.

Well, the move of this journal to a new location is now complete. I apologize for any confusion or difficulty that anyone had to deal with.

The move was made to protect myself and my readers from a hateful individual that was in my life. Apparently, despite years of being open about it, I was “ambushed” by an uncle of mine over my religious beliefs. I think I can sum up how low the conversation went just by telling you that he repeatedly told me that if he ever sees me he will “stone” me for my “ridiculous beliefs.” He feels that my beliefs, which I’ve held since I was a child, are “just a cry for attention.” Several of my family members and friends are very angry over this… to the point that many of us have severed all ties. It is unfortunate that it came to that point, but I know that I personally have enough drama in my life without his contribution. I don’t need to associate with a man who hates me simply because I do not hold identical views to his when it comes to religion.

Friends,

I will no longer dabble in clipped, piddly little one-sided arguments against certain schools of thought.  Henceforth I will speak only on the most substantial of topics and silence peacock-feathered intellectual rogueness.

Say what you will about the blogs that follow.  Say what you want about whatever.  The true is always tried, and holds true to its name.

Truly yours,

Rice Cutgrass

…both sides of an argument have to suck?
Seriously. Read both sides of an issue and you’ll find that both sides are doing the exact same thing they complain of their opponents. It’s really pathetic and very, very frustrating.
Frustrating because it means we’ll never to come to solutions or even live in peace about any issue by agreeing to disagree. Frustrating because it makes it very hard to take anyone seriously. I love to read many opinions, viewpoints and sides, but when everyone is so damn polemic, it can painful. Pathetic becuase it makes it all so hopelessly hopeless.
And I don’t feel this way just when I read about an issue that doesn’t affect me or when I’m reading from someone who disagrees with me. That pain is actually worse when they do agree with me. I feel like they weaken my argument and kinda take it personally.
Faugh.

Do you have arguscussions or discussionments?  Question mark, right?

Most of us communicate in one of four ways:

We start talking, we open up, we listen and we learn about each other

We start arguing, we end arguing

We start discussing, we end up arguing – Discussionment

We start arguing, we end up discussing – Arguscussion

The best of these is when we talk, open up, listen and learn.  It’s hard because how many of us listen only for our turn to talk or overtalk our spouse? How many times do we REALLY listen?  Remember, hearing is the physical act of taking in sound.  Listening is physical, emotional and spiritual.

If you can’t start and end communication easily, then at least have an arguscussion.  Start rough, finish good.

Good life, good love,

CH & the IW

You respect the views of the man with whom you fight that is able to contend.

You do not respect the views of the man with whom you fight that is not able to contend.

From the Associated Press:

ALBANY, N.Y. — New York’s top court ruled Thursday that gay couples legally married elsewhere are entitled to some government benefits, boosting stalled legislative efforts to legalize same-sex marriage.

The Court of Appeals rejected a Christian legal group’s argument that same-sex marriage was akin to incest and polygamy, although the court avoided declaring that gay couples are entitled to all the rights of other married couples.

The 4-3 decision was on the narrow question of benefits; the court did not address whether the state must recognize same-sex marriage but encouraged the Legislature to settle the issue.

The Scottsdale, Ariz.-based Alliance Defense Fund, which challenged the benefits, said it was disappointed that the high court chose not to rule on the validity of what it calls “counterfeit marriages.”

“In New York, the only relationship recognized as marriage is the committed union of a man and a woman,” said Brian Raun, senior counsel for the group. “State and local officials should not attempt to use marriage laws from outside jurisdictions to place their political agendas ahead of the law.”

Gay rights advocates said the decision is the latest in a string of wins that bolsters their case for the state Senate to give final approval to a bill legalizing same-sex marriage.

The Democrat-led Assembly passed a bill this year to legalize same-sex marriage, but it hasn’t yet reached the floor in the Democrat-led Senate, which has promised to vote by the end of the year but where the measure appears a few votes short of passage.

“It absolutely builds momentum,” Empire State Pride Agenda Executive Director Alan Van Capelle said. “It’s another court saying the state Senate should act and clarify the issue.”

Now, 20 New York judges in different cases have supported government rights for same-sex couples, said Susan Sommer, director of constitutional litigation at Lambda Legal, a New York-based gay rights organization.

“The ball is now in the state Senate’s court,” she said.

One of the judges in Thursday’s decision warned that failing to address the larger question of recognizing same-sex marriages will create a problem.

“The effect of the majority’s rationale in affirming these orders will be to permit an unworkable pattern of conflicting executive and administrative directives … (at the) individual discretion of each agency head,” Judge Carmen Beauchamp Ciparick warned in an otherwise concurring opinion.

“We ought to avoid the confusion that would arise from a same-sex couple considered legally married by one agency for one purpose, but not married by another agency for a different purpose,” the judge wrote.

Many gay New Yorkers have been married in a handful of states and Canada but reside in New York and seek hundreds of government benefits and rights they say they’ve been denied.

Gay marriage is legal in Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts and Vermont and was for a time in California. A New Hampshire law takes effect next year, and voters in Maine repealed a law this month that would have allowed same-sex marriage.

With Thursday’s court decision, legally married same-sex couples will be entitled to public employee health insurance coverage and certain other benefits provided to heterosexual spouses.

The lawsuit challenged the granting of those benefits by the state Civil Service Department and Westchester County, and was upheld in a lower court. That ruling was challenged by the Alliance Defense Fund, which has fought similar decisions nationwide.

Marriages performed elsewhere that are considered abhorrent in New York, including incest and polygamy, are exempt from government benefits for spouses. Raum argued that same-sex marriage should be regarded as another exception.

The defendants had argued that a state rule recognizing common law marriages meant that same-sex unions performed elsewhere should be recognized in New York.

The court said in its decision that it didn’t have to consider that argument because of the narrowness of the case, pertaining only to certain benefits, but said it hoped the Legislature would address the question.

Activists are pressing for a law allowing gay marriage in New Jersey, where a recent poll found residents narrowly favor the measure. But key legislators have said there might not be enough support for the bill to pass before Gov. Jon Corzine, a Democrat, leaves office in January.

His elected successor, Republican Chris Christie, has promised to veto it.

Vi s-a intamplat sa iesiti din sala de sedinta tot asa cum ati intrat avand aceleasi pareri ca inainte ? Vi s-a intamplat sa faceti o oferta impecabila, prezentata minunat, punand pe masa argumente rationale si chiar pasiune si clientul sa ramana de lemn ? Vi s-a intamplat sa-i explicati sefului clar si concis ca trebuie luata o decizie de bun-simt, el sa clipeasca rar si sa ramana teapan pe decizia pe care o luase deja? Sunt convins ca da. Cele de mai sus sunt doar doua exemple despre cum functioneaza schimbarea. Schimbarea apare daca este dorita.

A cere un raspuns de tipul „to be or not to be” mai devreme decat e cazul genereaza un refuz in peste 95% din cazuri.

Mai exista o cale de a obtine schimbarea dorita. O schimbare minora, usor si natural de acceptat. Apoi inca una. Si iara una. Se declanseaza un mecanism. Cel care iti doresti sa schimbe incepe sa aiba o directie si vrea sa vada o finalitate. E un proces care trebuie sa se incheie cu ceva ce sa merite efortul. Deja se simt implicati.

Cam asa se intampla si cu campaniile de comunicare directa (de fapt e valabil pentru orice comunicare), mai ales cand se utilizeaza baze de date necalificate. Sa comunici catre cineva care nu vrea sa schimbe nimic e inutil. In situatia asta nu conteaza oferta ta, propunerea si orice altceva mai pui pe masa. Acesti oameni se afla intr-un context in care se simt bine, care le convine. De ce sa-si piarda timpul cu tine ?

De aici si unele campanii cu rezultate zero, iar cei care le deruleaza nu mai inteleg nimic – stiau ca statistic trebuie sa obtina o anumita rata de raspuns !

Concluzia: ori comunicati catre cei care accepta schimbarea, ori cereti schimbari mici care sa nu genereze o rezistenta puternica din partea celui catre care trimiteti mesajul si-i cereti sa actioneze.

It happens all the time: the topic of vegetarianism and if it’s right, normal, ethical, healthy. I try not to let it get to me because you really can’t convince people or at least let them understand where you’re coming from, let alone even listen sometimes. I was trying to think of good comebacks and things to prepare if in an argument with a meat eater, and I stumbled on this page, at PurifyMind.com. I couldn’t have said it better myself, here it is:

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How to Win an Argument with a Meat Eater

The Hunger Argument:
” Number of people worldwide who will die as a result of malnutrition this year: 20 million.
” Number of people who could be adequately fed using the land freed if Americans reduced their intake of meat by 10 percent: 100 million.
” Percentage of corn grown in the United States eaten by people: 20.
” Percentage of corn grown in the U.S. eaten by livestock: 80.
” Percentage of oats grown in the U.S. eaten by livestock: 95.
” Percentage of protein wasted by cycling grain through livestock: 90.
” How frequently a child dies as a result of malnutrition: every 2.3 seconds.
” Pounds of potatoes that can be grown on an acre: 40,000.
” Pounds of beef produced on an acre: 250.
” Percentage of U.S. farmland devoted to beef production: 56.
” Pounds of grain and soybeans needed to produce a pound of edible flesh from feedlot beef: 16.

The Environmental Argument
” Cause of global warming: greenhouse effect.
” Primary cause of greenhouse effect: carbon dioxide emissions from fossil fuels.
” Fossil fuels needed to produce a meat-centered diet vs. a meat-free diet: 3 times more.
” Percentage of U.S. topsoil lost to date: 75.
” Percentage of U.S. topsoil loss directly related to livestock raising: 85.
” Number of acres of U.S. forest cleared for cropland to produce meat-centered diet: 260 million.
” Amount of meat imported to U.S. annually from Central and South America: 300,000,000 pounds.
” Percentage of Central America children under the age of five who are undernourished: 75.
” Area of tropical rainforest consumed in every quarter-pound of rainforest beef: 55 square feet.
” Current rate of species extinction due to destruction of tropical rainforests for meat grazing and other uses: 1,000 per year.

The Cancer Argument
” Increased risk of breast cancer for women who eat meat daily compared to less than once a week: 3.8 times.
” For women who eat eggs daily compared to once a week: 2.8 times.
” For women who eat butter and cheese 2-4 times a week: 3.25 times.
” Increased risk of fatal ovarian cancer for women who eat eggs 3 or more times a week vs. less than once a week: 3 times.
” Increased risk of fatal prostate cancer for men who consume meat, cheese, eggs. and milk daily vs. sparingly or not at all: 3.6 times.

The Cholesterol Argument
” Number of U.S. medical schools: 125.
” Number requiring a course in nutrition: 30.
” Nutrition training received by average U.S. physician during four years in medical school: 2.5 hours.
” Most common cause of death in the U.S.: heart attack.
” How frequently a heart attack kills in the U.S.: every 45 seconds.
” Average U.S. man’s risk of death from heart attack: 50 percent.
” Risk of average U.S. man who eats no meat: 15 percent.
” Risk of average U.S. man who eats no meat, dairy or eggs: 4 percent.
” Amount you reduce risk if you reduce consumption by 50 percent: 45 percent.
” Amount you reduce risk if you eliminate meat, dairy and eggs from your diet: 90 percent.
” Average cholesterol level of people eating a meat-centered diet: 210 mg/dl.
” Chance of dying from heart disease if you are male and your blood cholesterol is 210 mg/dl: greater than 50 percent.

The Natural Resources Argument
” User of more than half of all water used for all purposes in the U.S.: livestock production.
” Amount of water used in production of average cow: sufficient to float a destroyer.
” Gallons of water needed to produce a pound of wheat : 25.
” Gallons of water needed to produce a pound of California beef: 5,000.
” Years the world’s known oil reserves would last if every human ate a meat-centered diet: 13.
” Years they would last if human beings no longer ate meat: 260.
” Calories of fossil fuel expended to get 1 calorie of protein from beef: 78.
” To get 1 calorie of protein from soybeans: 2.
” Percentage of all raw materials (base products of farming, forestry and mining including fossil fuels) consumed by the U.S. that is devoted to the production of livestock: 33.
” Percentage of all raw materials consumed by the U.S. needed to produce a complete vegetarian diet: 2.

The Antibiotic Argument
” Percentage of U.S. antibiotics fed to livestock: 55.
” Percentage of staphylococci infections resistant to penicillin in 1960: 13.
” Percentage resistant in 1988: 91.
” Response of European Economic Community to routine feeding of antibiotics to livestock: ban.
” Response of U.S. meat and pharmaceutical industries to routine feeding of antibiotics to livestock: full and complete support.

The Pesticide Argument
” Common belief: U.S. Department of Agriculture protects our health through meat inspection.
” Reality: Fewer than 1 out of every 250,000 slaughtered animals is tested for toxic chemical residues.
” Percentage of U.S. mother’s milk containing significant levels of DDT: 99.
” Percentage of U.S. vegetarian mother’s milk containing significant levels of DDT: 8.
” Contamination of breast milk, due to chlorinated hydrocarbon pesticides in animal products, found in meat-eating mothers vs. non-meat eating mothers: 35 times higher.
” Amount of Dieldrin ingested by the average breast-fed American infant: 9 times the permissible level.

The Ethical Argument
” Number of animals killed for meat per hour in U.S.: 660,000.
” Occupation with highest turnover rate in U.S.: slaughterhouse worker.
” Occupation with highest rate of on-the-job injury in U.S.: slaughterhouse worker.

The Survival Argument
” Athlete to win Ironman Triathlon more than twice: Dave Scott (6 time winner).
” Food choices of Dave Scott: Vegetarian.
” Largest meat eater that ever lived: Tyrannosaurus Rex.

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Usually I wouldn’t quote directly an article that long, but I really liked this one because:

• It’s clearly put and well-organized
• It has sourced information (from Earth Save organization, Box 949, Felton, California 95018-0949)
• It uses mere facts without any dissing of the meat-eaters’ lifestyle (letting the facts speak for themselves)
• It captures one’s attention

So, I hope you find some of these useful! Enjoy.

Be well,

Brian

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Here’s the link to the site again:

“How to win an argument with a meat eater” – PurifyMind.com -link-

The suggestion for today is about protecting the rights of children. Here in Australia it is sometimes said that children have more rights than their parents and to some extent this does appear to be a sound argument. More needs to be done to ensure parental rights in the area of discipline (note I didn’t say child abuse), etc.

However, throughout the world children face regular exploitation and abuse. The more that can be done to prevent this sort of abuse the better.

For more information on the rights of children visit:

www.unicef.org/crc

I will always seek to protect the rights of children wherever I see them threatened. This is something that I believe begins right where you live.

A response to reading ‘365 Ways to Change the World,’ by Michael Norton

Apparently I have enough time to update my post tag list, nothing new in the land of N yet, trying to figure out how I’m going to interlink all of my story’s into movuies and stuff.

To get things going, the first topic for discussion is:

What does Evolution 2.0 mean to you?

Ask questions, promote ideas, or define your perception of this abstract concept. All arguments will be published in hopes of creating the most objective debate and conversation.

Thoughts for consideration:

Will cell phones change the shape of our ears?

Is repetitive stress injury proof that even QWERTY cell phone keypads are encumbering our opposable thumbs?

Did the industrial revolution make the global impact even close to the evolutionary impact of the digital revolution that is today?

Do you know the difference between a friend and a friend?

The Darwinian forum of cell phone, computer, social networking and digital implications debate.

Evolution 2.0 is a discussion platform for all things intuitive and debatable concerning the advancements of the Internet and technology and the way it effects our lives.

Evolution 2.0 is NOT a conspiracy theory nor is it intended to promote your conspiracy theories: if you have an interesting topic for discussion, present it in a way that would encourage positive arguments.

Evolution 2.0 invites you to contribute by submitting whole ideas via blog posts or suggesting a topic for discussion by commenting on a previous work.

Evolution 2.0 is where you regurgitate an abstract thought you had but didn’t think anyone was willing to listen to due to its potential incomprehensibility or absurdity; if you can or can’t justify your reasoning, at least try to here.

Evolution 2.0 is interactive, contributor-focused, idea driven and is an important concept in an exciting era of change.

It is nice sometimes to be able to pick up a pen and write about nothing in particular. A river of writing, brooking no argument, obstacle, or dead ends. And years later, to find those lines and realize they were about something, after all.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Visit my website: Amloki.com

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