Ok, das mit Wochenende gibts was neues ist dann doch nix geworden, weil ich kurzfristig mit dem Zug zu meinen Verwanten gefahren bin. Und als ich da so eine Stunde rumsaß, hab ich mich einmal fast totgelacht… und dann saß heute auch noch ein seeehr seltsamer Mann im Bus.

Ich bin eingestiegen und habe mich auf meinen Platz in der ersten Klasse gesetzt…ein paar Minuten kam ein Paar aus dem Speisewagen, er mit einem Kaffeebecher in der Hand, und…ich musste mir das Lachen echt verkneifen, einem Thermometer dadrin. Kurz darauf holte er es heraus, sah darauf und sagte zu seiner freundin: ” Ich habs gewusst…keine gute Qualität…ein Grad zu kalt!!!” Beide schüttelten den Kopf und setzten sich in den Vierer, der nur durch den Gang von mir getrennt war.Sie hatten alles mit ihren Taschen vollgestellt, die beiden freien Sizte, den Boden und sogar der Sitz hinter mir war voll. Sie sah sich arrogant um, bemerkte mich und machte einen Gessichtsausdruck als wäre ich eine Fliege in ihrem 5-Sterne Essen. Er kramte in seiner Tasche und legte ein nagelneues iPhone auf den Tisch, mit allem Zubehör, tippte darauf herum  und blickte dabei im Abteil herum, als ob er allen zeigen wollte, dass ER ein SOOOO tolles iPhone hat. Kurz darauf rief ihn jemand an. Er redete so laut, dass jeder es hören mussste: “…nein, der Urlaub war nicht gelungen. Es war kein 5-Sterne Hotel, den 5. Stern hatten die da grade verloren. Ich hab denen da auch gesagt, dass das keine tragbaren Umstände sind, und ich hab nur die hälfte bezahlt.” ich musste mir das Lachen so vewrkneifen, ich bin fast geplatzt! ja, und nach wieder 20 Minuten holten sie ihre Bücher raus: Sie :Liebe im Portmonee (der sowas in der Art) Er: Finanzen und wie man das Geld der Welt besitzen kann (jedenfalls um das ganze Geld der Welt). Kurt danach musste ich leider auch schon aussteigen, aber sobald der Zug aus dem Bahnhof rausgefahren war, hab ich mich nicht mehr vor Lachen halten und alle Leute auf den Bahnsteigen  runterum haben zu mir geschaut und sich gewundert, aber ich konnte einfach nicht aufhören…

Ihr könnt echt nict nachvollziehen wie lustig die wahren, besonders weil beide Frisuren wie Millionäre aus alten “Cloumbo”-Filmen hatten.

Naja, bis bald!

Arminiastern *

Hello.

I’m 19, a business student at Oxford. I’m a narcissist. I’m arrogant. I’m a general egomaniac. . You probably think I’m a bit of a dick. You’re probably right.

So why blog? Mostly because of my never ending need for attention, twinned with a desire for a platform.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to my platform.

This venerable and much honored WW II vet is well known in Hawaii for his seventy-plus years of service to patriotic organizations and causes all over the country. A humble man without a political bone in his body, he has never spoken out before about a government official, until now. He dictated this letter to a friend, signed it and mailed it to the president.

Dear President Obama,

My name is Harold Estes, approaching 95 on December 13 of this year. People meeting me for the first time don’t believe my age because I remain wrinkle free and pretty much mentally alert.

I enlisted in the U.S. Navy in 1934 and served proudly before, during and after WW II, retiring as a Master Chief Bos’n Mate. Now I live in a “rest home” located on the western end of Pearl Harbor allowing me to keep alive the memories of 23 years of service to my country.

One of the benefits of my age, perhaps the only one, is to speak my mind, blunt and direct even to the head man.

So here goes.

I am amazed, angry and determined not to see my country die before I do but you seem hell bent not to grant me that wish.

I can’t figure out what country you are the president of.

You fly around the world telling our friends and enemies despicable lies like:

“We’re no longer a Christian nation” and “America is arrogant” - (Your wife even announced to the world, “America is mean-spirited.” Please tell her to try preaching that nonsense to 23 generations of our war dead buried all over the globe who died for no other reason than to free a whole lot of strangers from tyranny and hopelessness.)

I’d say shame on the both of you, but I don’t think you like America nor do I see an ounce of gratefulness in anything you do for the obvious gifts this country has given you. To be without shame or gratefulness is a dangerous thing for a man sitting in the White House.

After 9/11 you said, “America hasn’t lived up to her ideals.”

Which ones did you mean? Was it the notion of personal liberty that 11,000 farmers and shopkeepers died for to win independence from the British? Or maybe the ideal that no man should be a slave to another man that 500,000 men died for in the Civil War? I hope you didn’t mean the ideal 470,000 fathers, brothers, husbands, and a lot of fellas I knew personally died for in WWII, because we felt real strongly about not letting any nation push us around because we stand for freedom.

I don’t think you mean the ideal that says equality is better than discrimination. You know the one that a whole lot of white people understood when they helped to get you elected.

Take a little advice from a very old geezer, young man.

Shape up and start acting like an American. If you don’t, I’ll do what I can to see you get shipped out of that fancy rental on Pennsylvania Avenue. You were elected to lead not to bow, apologize and kiss the hands of murderers and corrupt leaders who still treat their people like slaves.

And just who do you think you are telling the American people not to jump to conclusions and condemn that Muslim major who killed 13 of his fellow soldiers and wounded dozens more. You mean you don’t want us to do what you did when that white cop used force to subdue that black college professor in Massachusetts who was putting up a fight? You don’t mind offending the police calling them stupid but you don’t want us to offend Muslim fanatics by calling them what they are, terrorists.

One more thing… I realize you never served in the military and never had to defend your country with your life but you’re the Commander-in-Chief now, son. Do your job.  When your battle-hardened field General asks you for 40,000 more troops to complete the mission, give them to him. But if you’re not in this fight to win, then get out. The life of one American soldier is not worth the best political strategy you’re thinking of.

You could be our greatest president because you face the greatest challenge ever presented to any president.

You’re not going to restore American greatness by bringing back our bloated economy. That’s not our greatest threat. Losing the heart and soul of who we are as Americans is our big fight now. And I sure as hell don’t want to think my president is the enemy in this final battle.

Sincerely,

Harold B. Estes

——————-

When a 95 year old hero of the “Greatest Generation” stands up and speaks out like this, everyone listens!!

The lessons that I am learning are vast and plentiful. However, the biggest area of learning is about myself, my own naivety, arrogance and shortsightedness. I guess the positive spin on this is that I am learning.

I honestly think that I expected something for nothing. I thought I could start the chapel without it becoming something I owned. I thought that I could have a run at this and if it didnt work quickly I could give up without being bothered.

I also didnt realise how privileged I am. The Chapel is not a church plant, it is an evening meeting for Christ Church Manchester. However, because CCM meets in Hyde (miles away from The Chapels target audience) it is possible that the two groups of people will not meet very often. This means we get to behave a little bit like a church plant while getting lots of cover from the larger church. This leaves me being very well looked after as part of the CCM leadership team as well as being employed by the church. Not many church planters get that.

We have been doing this for 3 months and I ready feel so different about it. Where we will we been in 12 months?

1 Corinthians 11:1 AMP  Pattern yourselves after me [follow my example], as I imitate and follow Christ (the Messiah).

Paul spoke this sentence to the believers in Corinth.  Paul – the one who has been portrayed by many teachers and preachers through the years as proud and arrogant.  Paul – the one who has been made out to be a chauvinist.  Paul – who went after Christians in every way he could, even going so far as having them killed, attempting to stop the spread of the gospel prior to his dramatic conversion on the road to Damascus.  This same Paul has the audacity to say to believers to pattern themselves after him as he imitates and follows Christ.  How dare he say that?!  Would a humble Christian say that?!

Paul’s confidence appears to many to be self-confidence.  His boldness to declare in Acts 20:26, “I am innocent of the blood of all men,” looks like an outright lie to those who know his past.  That’s what stops most of us from telling others that we are innocent, or to follow us and imitate our example as we follow Christ.  We know the wrongs of our past, and we know others know them, too.  We would never consider ourselves good enough, pure enough, or righteous enough, so the last thing we’d want is for others to imitate us.  But is that what we are to consider?

Paul was not deceived, in denial, or suffering amnesia.  He practiced what he taught, and he taught what the Lord taught him – that we are to leave the past behind (even the positive) and press on toward the mark (Phil. 3:13-14).  He understood that when Jesus forgave His sins, they were no longer to be his focus, as they were truly washed away by His blood.  He needed but to go forward in the Lord, seeking to know Him more and to make Him known (Phil. 3:10) – not continually re-examining past sins, or receiving the judgments of others who wanted to do so.

When Paul called others to imitate him, there was no pride or self-confidence at all.  There was complete confidence in Who Jesus Christ is, knowing the power of the Holy Spirit alive in him, enabling him to follow Christ and lead others in the same way.  He knew the authority and the righteousness of Christ in him, and that God saw him as righteous because of Christ.  His focus was not on his sin, but on the completeness of Christ in him, Who is so much greater than all sin.  Jesus called Paul to follow Him and become His disciple, so he chose to do likewise.

As believers, we can have this same confidence in Christ – this same boldness to call others to follow our example.  It comes from focusing on our risen Savior, not on our old, fallen nature.  It also comes from believing the Word.  We have a new nature.  We are God’s righteousness, risen with Christ, seated with Him in heavenly realms.  It is not based on our feelings, but on His Word and what He has done.  He did it for Paul.  He’s done it for us.  Making disciples means giving them an example to follow.  So, like Paul, we can choose to say, “Follow me, as I follow Christ.”

Philippine government Press Secretary Cerge Remonde should take issue over big-time boxing promoter Bob Arum’s statement saying, “The Philippines has only one social welfare system, and it’s Manny Pacquiao.”

At least somebody in government should stand up and admonish this uncouth American for issue false, malicious and insulting statement. In fact he should be made to apologize for his unfair and bigoted view of the Philippines.

While nobody will dispute Manny Pacquiao’s generosity since he became a successful and renowned boxer, it is, however, offensive to hear and presumptuous for someone who does not know much about the country to belittle and take for granted the benevolence and largesse given by many unnamed Filipinos.

To know better the millions of Filipinos, all arrogant Arum has to do is come and see for himself when something disastrous happens in the country. How government, the public and the private sector, and the people, in general, responds.

If there is someone who is benefitting a great deal of Pacquiao’s ‘social welfare system,’ it is no other than the bigot Bob Arum himself.

I know, I know. You’re thinking, ’surely he’s too young to be in love’. I’ve heard it so many times. It just gets me so sick when i hear people saying how teenagers like me don’t have to reasoning to make big decisions this early in our lives. Well you know what? I say, ‘piss off!’ to those people. I can make the choices i want in life, okay? Maybe there are some people who have no idea what they’re getting into, but i have perfectly good reasoning skills thank you very much. And i have used those reasoning skills and come to the conclusion that Cal is the one i want to spend the rest of my life with.

Yesterday afternoon was so nice. We went back to Cal’s place after school and went and sat up on the roof, in the warmth, looking over the town, possibly the best view ever. And i was so lucky to share it with the best girl in the world. Yes, that’s you California Jane.

I am so utterly in love with you right now. So much so that i am writing this post about you rather than doing my essay which is due in two days. And just so everyone knows, I am not one to do badly in school. Not trying to sound arrogant there either.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say, Cal, is that I love you so so much, and I think I want to spend the rest of my life with you, if you’re up for it.

(Adapted from the original author’s work at CosmicWalk blog: Recognising Narcissism – Observing Them at Work)

See if you recognize any of the following.  The Narcissist will have many of these traits.  It is not necessary to have all of them for Narcissism to be present.

• When they are good, they are wonderful. When they are bad, they are a waking nightmare.

• They are always right and everyone else is always wrong. They defend their opinions and habits to the “death”.

• They will not accept criticism of any sort.

• They do not respond to requests for heart-to-heart talks about your relationship.  This is done by stonewalling and/or causing arguments.

• Their public image and how they are perceived are extremely important to them. Far more important than genuine interactions and relationships.  If someone agrees wtih them, or does not challenge them, all is well.  If challenged, they “devalue and discard” the challenger.

• They get angry in an instant – usually when challenged, pressed, and may also for things they have imagined or for no apparent or reasonably valid cause.

• When they are angry for something that they have imagined or misunderstood, you can try to prove the facts to them, drag in a hundred witnesses – they will still not change their mind.

• They twist facts to suit themselves and sometimes “rewrite history” to match what they want themselves and others to believe.

• They have a natural tendency to believe the worst about you, while often denying that outwardly – especially if they are involved in religious or spiritual pursuits.  Their private disdain is couched publicly to others as spiritual concern or pity or fatalism.  Secretly they enjoy your misery.

• They are an extremist and fickle. They can be absolutely loyal to someone, sing their praises and defend them to the death – then at the slightest disappointment, turn on them completely and in an instant.

• They are not there for you in a medical emergency, or some other legitimate need.  If this happens more than once, take note.

• Their conversations are often about criticizing someone close to them, and running them down. This is especially true of the people who are their victims.   When they do this it is with an air of authority, as if they really know what is going on inside that person – better even than the person does. They know exactly what the other person’s “problem” is, as well as the solutions.

• Their conversations revolve around themselves: their thoughts, their opinions, their life, their feelings, their attitudes, their woes, their ailments, their achievements, and their cleverness. “Me, I and My.”

• They will ask you how you are, and then carry on speaking before you can answer, or cut you short and speak over you – or never ask in the first place.

• They are not a good host or hostess.  They take phone calls while you are visiting, watch their TV shows while you are there, offer you refreshment then take forever to serve it.

• If you speak loud enough and they are forced to listen because someone else is nearby who doesn’t know the real them and they’re “posing”, you can see that they are not listening at all. They are distracted, possibly looking around and shuffling, tapping their feet, making faces or nodding their head too vigorously to speed you up.  Perhaps they have simply gone glassy-eyed or turned away. You get the distinct feeling that they just want you to shut up so that they can speak again.  (This is called being “devalued and discarded.”)

• When they respond to something you have said, it is often either just a kind of grunt or it seems over the top, or they are correcting you or they give a look that says “that’s not something I agree with” or “you don’t know what you’re talking about”.

• On the few occasions they do praise you or acknowledge something you have done, it will normally be cursory, condescending, grudging, sarcastic or a backhanded compliment.

• Often, what they say and what they do can seem like two opposite worlds.  Sometimes this is not readily evident.  You just sense something is’nt right.  Pay attention.

• When they are with outsiders, they are such a charming, friendly person.  People tend to like them and admire them.  You are amazed at how rational they are with these people, how phony it is, and different from the person you know privately.  In other words, they treat you differently than outsiders.

• They are often in a position of leadership.  They are very possibly a type of pillar of society (for example: any position of authority, including religious or spiritual). They are often looked up to by those who deal with them, but they are not really close to these people.

• They have had power struggles and failures with peers, such as fellow teachers.  These fellow teachers (or whomever) have often seen right through them, sometimes because they have some of the same traits.

• They go on at length and with quite some passion about things that they themselves do.  For example, a man might loudly complain about men who beat their wives and speak about what harsh punishments they should be subjected to – then go home and assault their own wife.  A spiritual person might criticize someone who is outwardly doing something they themselves covertly do.

• They know how to do everything better. They can preach better, run the church better, do a job better, run the country better, analyze politics better, play board and computer games better …

• They know the answer to all of the world’s biggest problems … if only someone would listen to them/finance them/whatever.

• They are a victim of everyone and everything: those in authority over them, their family, their circumstances, their health, their past. They are a victim and a martyr, period. What other people accept as part of life, they take as a personal affront, if not attack.  People just “don’t understand” them.

• When something bad happens to someone even remotely close to them, they make it about themselves and create huge drama around the situation to elicit sympathy from anyone who will listen.

• When someone close to him achieves something noteworthy, they make it about themselves and in some way will take the credit for it, ensuring that they are in the limelight, not the person who actually deserves it.

• They ask for feedback (such as in a class setting), then don’t really listen to it.

• They inflict pain on others and actually enjoy doing it.

• They strategically plan how to break people down and hurt them or make them weak. This is done in either a surreptitious manner,  an overt manner, or both.

• They are a control freak.

• If they know something is important to you, they will use it to punish or control you, or try to prevent it from taking place (such as a goal you are working toward).

• If they see you about to accomplish something that will elevate you over them, they will secretly undermine you so that you won’t succeed.

• If they know something is important to you, they will in some way try to deprive you of it or make you jump through hoops for it.

• They are the worst possible gift giver – if they even give gifts at all – seldom if ever giving you what you really want. Most times, you will get something that you really don’t want or an extremely inferior version of what you want – then woe betide you if you are not overcome with gratitude for it.

• They give you their discards and expect you to be really grateful. After all, even their junk has more value than anything new you could buy or own.

• They do you favors that bear a high price, and often that price is simply providing Narcissistic Supply via the dysfunctional relationship.  They may expect outrageous things in return (i.e., your time, your never-ending public gratitude, etc). Everything they do for you requires your eternal gratitude and any “debts” to them are never paid off, no matter what you do. And whatever you might do to reciprocate is inferior and never good enough, or not really welcomed.

• They forgive you when asked for forgiveness, but it isn’t really sincere.

Remember, the Narcissist in your life may have several, many or all – but it is not necessary to have all for the person to have NPD.

One Big Ass Mistake America

I have seen it all now. Barack Obama is not a president and I will refuse to use the word president until he is voted out in 2012. This libtard knew about the situation down at Ft. Hood in Texas and started giving shoutouts as if he was standing in front of an audience at the MTV Music Awards. It’s just another reminder that we don’t have a leader, we have a campaigner-in-chief.

I’m surprised Obama didn’t give shout-outs to his babies momma and all the radical peeps in his administration. Thanking people for hosting a damn conference while our soldiers were being ambushed and killed. The number one priority should have been to address the situation happening down at Ft. Hood.

I want to give Obama my shout-out. You are the most arrogant, narcissistic, dithering fool we have ever had in the White House. I have tried to give you every benefit of the doubt and all you have done is turn your nose up in the air. This act has been one of the most disrespectful acts I have ever seen. Giving shout-outs before condolences shows your true character. I’m ashamed to have you in the White House.

Obama, again, shows his disdain for U.S. troops.

Each month author Lucy Harmer dedicates her journal entries to the theme of “transformative and inspirational living” – finding the fun, magic and laughter in everyday occurrences! She explores ideas, thoughts and quotes from her two books, Discovering Your Spirit Animal and Shamanic Astrology.

November 2009

Shamanic Astrology
Exploring the Personality of your Spirit Animal Sign

© Copyright 2009 Lucy Harmer

Last month in my journal (October 2009), I gave an overview of what Shamanic Astrology is. This month, I am going to explore the twelve spirit animal signs of the medicine wheel a little deeper, so that you can begin to discover the special qualities each sign possesses.

There are twelve astrological “signs” on the medicine wheel, which are represented by twelve different spirit animals. Shamanic Astrology teaches us that inner power derives from knowing the properties, characteristics, and qualities of each spirit animal (known as their “medicine”), and applying this in our own lives.

To get you started, here are some of the main strengths and weaknesses of each of the twelve spirit animals. It is really interesting to note that weaknesses are often just a mirror of our strengths and qualities. What we see as “weaknesses” can often be transformed into “strengths.” Take Falcon people, for example, whose “weaknesses” can be their tendency to be impulsive and headstrong. Transformed, these qualities become Falcon people’s strengths – their spontaneity and pioneering nature.

(If you are not sure which spirit animal sign you are, you can find out by looking your birthday up in the second table below – “Which animal sign are you?”)

Strengths and Weaknesses of the twelve spirit animal signs:

I always find it fascinating to look up the qualities of my friends, family and work colleagues. It is amazing how much their spirit animal sign can tell you about why they may behave in certain ways!

You can find out more about the personality of your own spirit animal and how you relate to the other signs, in my book Shamanic Astrology: Understanding Your Spirit Animal Sign. You can also discover the different spirit animal clans that you, your friends and family belong to, and your own special plant, stone, element, color and life path.

Which animal sign are you?
To find your spirit animal sign, just locate your birthday from the dates below, according to your place of birth. If you were born north of the equator (eg; USA, Canada, Europe), then look for your date of birth in the column headed “Northern Hemisphere.” If you were born south of the equator (eg; Australia, New Zealand, South Africa), then look for your date of birth in the column headed “Southern Hemisphere.”

This month, I wish you lots of fun and magic in exploring the strengths and qualities of your own spirit animal sign, and discovering those of your friends, family and work colleagues too!

Love and blessings,
Lucy

Shamanic Astrology is available for purchase directly through NorthAtlanticBooks.com, as well as major book stores and online retailers.

CLICK HERE to learn more about courses, seminars and workshops offered by Lucy Harmer.

CLICK HERE to learn more about Shamanic Astrology.

CLICK HERE to learn more about Discovering Your Spirit Animal.

It’s understandable that the Republican Party is pointing to New Jersey and Virginia and concluding that it means the tide is turning and that there will major changes in Congress in 2010.  But, at least today, they are at best wrong and at worst arrogant. 

There is, of course, the Democratic victory in upstate New York, however, that is not the reason why significant movement in 2010 is not a lock for the GOP.  If people were voting against something on November 3^rd, they may a year later, want also to be voting for something.  Republicans have time to create an action agenda.  Unless conditions worsen, they will have to do that.

The biggest misread of November 3^rd has to do with the election of Republican Chris Christie.  Anytime an incumbent loses, in this case, Jon Corzine, much of the reason has to do with the incumbent’s performance or perceptions of the incumbent.  Christie won in part because of how hard he ran and how smartly he ran.  His image was more moderate than conservative.  For those outside New Jersey you need to know he did not wear social conservatism on his sleeve.  Social issues were a not a factor in the New Jersey Governor’s race.  His focus was on fiscal conservatism, jobs and Jon Corzine.  This was not, except for some motivated Republicans, a referendum on Barack Obama.  Exit polling shows most voters approve of President Obama’s handling of the economy.

The main reason Corzine lost is Jon Corzine.  In 4 years as governor, he failed to emotionally connect with voters and he failed to tell them of the good things he has done, or, at least the actions that they would approve of.  This failure is primarily a function of his personality and management style.  He is a businessman who I believe failed to realize the public component of being an elected official.  I base this in part on his public work schedule and his campaign schedule.  It was light to moderate at best.  I believe Corzine was working, but you’d have to try really hard sometimes to see it in a state that New York and Philadelphia media don’t cover.  He also rejected some overtures by free media for interviews during the campaign.  Retail politics still matter in New Jersey, especially when the going gets tough.

In the absence of knowing what Corzine stands for and what he has done, Christie was successful in getting enough voters to believe the greatest economic national downturn in 80 years and the state’s high taxes were Corzine’s fault.  The Goldman Sachs resume probably didn’t help Corzine.  And, this brings in the 2^nd main reason Jon Corzine lost: the voters.

In the greatest recession since the depression, with unemployment near 10-percent, with a controversial President and two controversial wars, preliminary figures show only about 45-percent of New Jerseyans voted in the November 3^rd election.  Republicans and Republican-leaning voters appear to have turned out a little more and despite the Democratic edge, Democrats did not.  (In New Jersey, the largest block of registered voters is “unaffiliated.”)  The Obama turnout never materialized.  And this is the lesson both parties have to learn.  Why did solid Democrats not turn out in higher numbers?  Why did the unaffiliated lean right?  The GOP will say because the Democrats are being rejected, but the numbers are not so overwhelming as to suggest that as a big wave.  Turnout in vote total was only slightly higher overall than 4 years ago (less than 1-percent) and that year an earnest but bland candidate, Doug Forrester, was trying to defeat Corzine.  This year, Corzine lost by only around 100,000 votes, or less than 2 –percent of the total number of registered voters in the state.

 Jon Corzine failed to define who he was because it appears he thought it was obvious.  He also got some bad advice.  The tv ad attacking Chris Christie’s weight backfired.  Corzine failed to define Christie, except for momentarily when it appeared Christie might lose women voters over the issue of a mammogram mandate in health care insurance.  Corzine failed to connect the terrible economy with Republican policies.  Christie successfully tied the terrible economy to Corzine.

 And then there was Independent Chris Daggett.  Daggett probably changed the outcome of the election, despite what most pundits will tell you.  He did so in 2 ways.  One, by getting a few percentage points.  He took most of those from one of the two candidates. (Some would have not voted or would have voted for another third party.)  Much of Daggett’s core support came from the Sierra Club and other environmentalists.  They usually vote Democratic.  Put that together with what I consider flawed polling or reporting of polling and Daggett had an effect.  Pollsters weeks before the election began reporting that Daggett had climbed to 15 to 20-percent of the likely vote.  Though they reported a dwindling of that in recent days, they had done a disservice.  They and the media should have known that 10 to 15 of those points were soft and reported it as such.  Chris Daggett was a good candidate and would have been an interesting, maybe even good governor, but if you know New Jersey, you know that 20-percent was a myth and in a low to moderate turnout election the revolution needed for that to happen cannot happen.  But with that number reported and repeated, the campaign dynamic changed.  It is reasonable to conclude that Christie still might have won had the polling or the reporting been different, but it would have been closer.

 In the end, the blame goes not primarily on Daggett, or on President Obama, or even the economy (that’s true but too simplistic.)  And, the credit goes only partly to Chris Christie.  Democrats are divided, have lost some motivation and Republicans are finding footing, though not the firmness yet that they claim.   The big factor, the blame rests with Jon Corzine.  I asked him once a few years ago why he wanted to leave the U.S. Senate and be governor.  He candidly said because his “skill set” better fit the executive roll.  I think he was telling the truth, but what Corzine and many Democrats don’t get is that if you are perceived as aloof or arrogant, you will more likely than not fail.  The public wants to like its leaders, especially in hard times.  It wants to know that their leaders get it.  Jon Corzine probably believes he does get it and that he did the best someone could do in these times, with the cards handed him and looking long term.  If so, it must be tough dealing with a result that concluded that either he doesn’t get it or that so many people are ill-informed.  Tough, that is, unless you are arrogant or aloof.

PART 12

Ending Comments

There have been many Narcissists in my life – my mother, the high school friend, H, members of my extended family, people I knew socially and in my spiritual community, romantic partners, co-workers.

I once read on a message board “Sometimes I believe a Narcissist can almost cause these other defects in people who fall for them.” How true that is. How insidious it is.

By this story, I am not asserting that one person alone is responsible for all my troubles though the friendship certainly exacerbated them. We are ultimately responsible for our own lives, and I am no exception.

For many years — approximately 14 — I had lost my way. I had once been a long-term highly functioning person. Even amidst long-term severe challenges, stress and PTSD, I managed to stay functional.  Everyone, however, has their breaking point and I learned what mine was.

I have never had drug or alcohol or any other addiction issue (well…. coffee! ). I had simply had too many traumatic experiences, due to both luck of the draw and poor choices.  I had lost the ability to cope. I was in too much pain, too much chaos, too much confusion, too many hurts, and I had too many concepts and preconceived notions to see life and people clearly.

Prayer and affirmations have served to provide palliative care, but their usage had never brought me full healing or even the degree of healing I needed. I do strongly believe in the power of prayer and positive thought, however. I still use it all the time.  I use something called Scientific Prayer Treatment, and I talk to my angels.  I also repeat certain Bible passages like Psalm 23 or 91.  It works for me, in both clear and subtle ways. Each person has to find what works for them, and that is part of what works for me.

We must quiet our mind and emotions and ask what we need to do in order to improve our lives. It is only when the dust begins to settle that the answers can start to reveal themselves.  Only then can we hear them.

At first I didn’t like those answers. I fought them. I thought I could help people change. I thought I could help my former friend change.  If things weren’t going well, I thought I could “make her see” the error of her ways.  I carried that concept over into other situations too.

I know now what a delusional idea that is, and how utterly futile it is. Now, I just walk away. That may seem cold but it’s better than entanglement in something larger than I can handle. I have noticed in recent years that many people now simply dismiss others at the first sign of stress or trouble. They even misperceive people (far too much, I believe). There are too many knee-jerk responses.  Life is not the movies or TV.  I can certainly understand why people do it though. I do it myself sometimes. It’s a new feeling for someone who is so outgoing, sympathetic and understanding. I’ve changed — in very fundamental ways. I find it exciting.

Epilogue

There is so much I did not write here. I miss the good stuff with H. I do have many fond memories of our friendship. I do have a lot of gratitude for the nice things H did for me through the years. I always will. I wish that I had been in a position to reciprocate in many more ways than I was able to. However, I see now that part of the Narcissistic construct means preventing people from reciprocating (“I’m perfect, I don’t need your help.” “I have things under control.”)

I cannot continue wading through the escalated negativity with H to try and salvage whatever slight good might remain. How I wish that were not true! I would still like to deny it is true. I want to make it go away, make it be different – for both me and for H.

I know with every fiber of my being that H and I must now part ways and stay parted. I hope she will never have to experience the things I have experienced in my life. For different reasons, those cumulative things are just as traumatic as what H went through as a child.

There is a difference in us, however.  While I am a flawed person – something I fully admit to myself, to H, and to others in my life – I don’t have an untreatable personality disorder. It is now clear to me, though, that H might. I checked the four signs of what precipitates a personality disorder. H has the last three of them; I have the first two. (My mother has the first three. H’s family may also have the first risk factor. I am not aware of any full blown mental illness in her family of origin, but there may be. Importantly, her father married what H termed “a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic” one year after her mother died.)

Risk Factors

• A family history of personality disorders or other mental illness

• Verbal, physical or sexual abuse during childhood, especially sexual abuse as a child

• An unstable or chaotic family life during childhood

• Loss of parents through death or divorce during childhood

Credit: Kellevision – Musings on Mental Health by a Licensed Therapist

Is it any wonder there are so many people with personality disorders these days?  Too many people have more than one or two of these risk factors.

Therapy is recommended, and medications should only be used in conjunction with therapy.

I may still feel depressed from time to time, and I may still not be completely sure how I will resurrect some areas of my life, but those feelings are normal.  I realize that certain things take time.  I’m still recovering from being the Family Scapegoat.  I’m still recovering from all the experiences I’ve had since 1989 when I was kicked out of my own home by my ex-husband when the children were toddlers.

I don’t live in the dark place that NPD seems to be — a place that H may well live in.  I’m thankful for that, because life is hard enough.  If anything I have always engaged in too much subjective self-introspection, and that is something I must guard against.  I hope I never lose the capacity for self-examination and taking responsibility for my life improving.

I still don’t understand Narcissism. We may not as a society ever understand it, and more importantly, we may not ever be able to solve its unfortunate dilemma. I hope we can, for the sake of so many suffering people.

H thinks she has found an effective coping mechanism for her life. I know she’s convinced she has been coping for many years. I also know that she is becoming less and less convinced that is so.

I know that I was often the object of H’s scorn all those years because I couldn’t seem to find a sustained level of coping. I am sure H does not see how she contributed to that. And I am sure H still does feel scorn for me. I am certain there are others who still do like her family.

I am certain H is convinced that because of my “karma” and “my chart” I probably won’t ever be able to have a better life. That is yet one more reason why I cannot continue with her.

I have some severe battle scars, but I’m still standing. Not only am I still standing, I’m sane. I am still vibrant and energetic, though less so as I age. But I can build on that. I believe in possibilities – hell, probabilities. I believe in resurrection.

I am better for these experiences, though sometimes it does not feel that way. It’s been a long road, and there is still a long way to go. If one looks at the odds, the pure facts, the odds are against me. But I now have greater strength and insight to deal with the journey. And I know that I still believe in miracles.  I know that miracles do happen, and they’re happening to me.

I now have wonderful, supportive friends. They aren’t passive aggressive. They don’t try to elevate themselves over me. They don’t haughtily correct me.  We discuss and debate rationally on a level playing field. They don’t talk me down behind my back to their families or other people. They support me. They have my best interests at heart. And they don’t play unproductive games. Beside the No Contact with H, my current friends – along with journaling, prayer and gentle self-examination – are the reason why there is no more chaos in my life, no more frequent “catastrophes.”

There really is no other choice than choosing to create a better life. Yes, there is no other choice for this flawed, intelligent, vibrant and dynamic woman – me – who lost her way so many years ago.

Resources (books)

PART 11: A Warning to Victims of Narcissists (VoNPD’s)

Victims of Narcissists, beware:

Be wary of those who set themselves up as an authority in any field or pursuit. Be wary of any authority figure, especially one who claims to be adept at teaching spiritual principles and practices, or simply claims to be qualified as a spiritual teacher or guide.

The self-help and spiritual world is full of pathologically wounded people who set themselves up as experts. In too many cases, these people have serious issues. Many times their underlying motivation is to obtain a never-ending source of Narcissistic Supply, and no doubt power, wealth and status. Check them out thoroughly first.

At the first sign of Narcissistic behavior in anyone you know or meet, leave. Do not engage. Just nip it in the bud.

If you are already entangled – disentangle. It really is just as simple as that.

These days there are many resources – even in this economy – for leaving an abuser. You can do it if you want to. You really can. If you are addicted or simply caught up in the maddening, fruitless scenario of Narcissistic abuse – stop. (Especially if you are a Codependent/Invert Narcissist like I was for so many years, which is usually the case.) That’s right. JUST STOP. Cut it off. Do not look back… do not go back!

You have to take the first steps so you can feel how it works. I was terrified, but I did it. I was heartbroken to end a three-decade “best friendship” but I did. (What a pitiful delusion: H never considered me her best friend!) I was heartbroken to look at the pieces of my shattered fantasy. Now I am incredulous that I was ever convinced I had a best friend in her — or even a friend at all in the later years.

“If we are really honest with ourselves we have to ask the question – what is it really that we are scared of losing? The answer, if you choose to base it on reality that is supported by evidence – is that we are scared of losing something that does not exist to begin with. ” from CosmicWalk.co.za/change.html

Now that I am through the brick wall I’ve been banging my head on for all these years, I find it quite “interesting” how I no longer have these “cataclysms” in my life from which I “need rescuing”. “Funny” how that works… funny how that works.

Get rid of people who feed on your anxiety. Get rid of people who feed on your despair, your disorientation, your low self-esteem, your subservience, your poor choices, your never-ending crises… just put a stop to it. You will be amazed at how your life changes. The progress may be slow, but it is steady if you are resolute.

If you even have a slight suspicion that someone – anyone – does not have your best interests at heart, heed this warning. Heed this call.

As VoNPD’s we must ensure that we no longer play into the hands of a Narcissist. It is up to us, because they are cunning. Do not play your hand, do not give out unnecessary information. Do not allow them to see you as vulnerable.  They don’t have the normal capacity for sympathy.  Do not let them take advantage of any vulnerability you might be experiencing in your life.

If you look back over your life, you will realize that you were probably warned – no doubt more than once. I certainly was! There are signs, and there are people who love you who have warned you.

For me that first warning was J, the woman who came to me all the way back in 1977 ranting about H. I just didn’t realize at the time that H was actually a Narcissist. We didn’t use such words then.  Heck, the word “stress” had hardly even come into common usage – incredible as that seems now. We didn’t know about such things as Narcissism. Even those of us who were studying human nature and pursuing spiritual ideals and methods were not aware of the disorder. We sure had plenty of Narcissists in our (spiritual) arena, though. Both male and female.  But in reality, of course, they were everywhere.

Back in 1977, society didn’t have the awareness of mental illness and personality disorders that society has now. Back in 1977, I thought L was over the top. Nevertheless, L did warn me. If L were still alive, I’d call her up and thank her for trying to get through to me, and apologize to her for thinking she was so “unspiritual” for her harsh words about H. I prefer now to think it was a much-needed warning. L was a hardscrabble survivor. L was a smart, strong and beautiful woman who became an extremely successful businesswoman before she died too much too young of cancer.

Because I have had to deal with so many Narcissists in my life, I no longer give people the benefit of the doubt nearly as much as I once did. My ex-husband was right about some things. He told me I was too gullible, too forgiving, too naïve, too quick to give too many people the benefit of the doubt. He saw so clearly – even though he was very young – that people took advantage of me frequently in both social situations and at work. (That is another story too – the corporate world and big-city law. Holy hell… another story, indeed!)

Please go to Part 12:  Ending Comments, Epilogue and Some Suggested Resources

Part 10: What I would say to H Now

Here is what I would say to H now, if I had the chance. Of course, she would never deign to listen and it wouldn’t do any good.  But this exercise is important to write, and I have read it out loud to myself as well:

“We are done. It’s over. It hurts. Yes, it still hurts sometimes, but mostly it’s about what could have been, what should be. I know you thought it was going to be easy to suck me back in this past year. Why wouldn’t you? I always made it so easy for you! Thanks to the vast amount of resources on the Internet and well-written books, I know now what I was involved in – your tangled Narcissistic web. Lording it over me, controlling me, maligning me inside your head and aloud to your family and some of our mutual acquaintances and friends, rewriting history and so much more. It is what I allowed for so many years. What I actually did to myself for so long. Well, no longer.There was so much potential for a wonderful, fulfilling friendship between us. But I look back now, and I see that it never could have happened. I fell into your trap and I stayed there. Because of my own childhood trauma and my Narcissistic mother, I couldn’t get out of that trap until cultural trends finally caused Narcissism to be widely experienced, named, and discussed on the Internet, talk shows, and in academic and popular books.At least it happened. Better late than never. Better than being your tool for the rest of my life. Better than letting you jerk my chain for the next however many years.So go and find yourself another incredibly convenient source of Narcissistic Supply. It will be more difficult to find, since you’re new in town. You’ll have to work people harder. But honey, you’re up to it! Why? Because you are “perfect”! You are “special!” You are so “spiritual!” You are such a “born leader” and you are “so insightful!”With you, it is always “someone else” who has it wrong, someone else who needs correcting. Someone else who is not quite as good as you are. You drive people crazy with ad infinitum repetitions of the same things during the course of any discussion (How many hundreds of dollars did I waste on that alone, because I did not want to offend you??) I thought it was only me who felt that way, until you mentioned one of your daughters called you on it. That embolded me about something I’d long wanted to do: gently remind you that you were repeating yourself more than once. You gave me a withering look. How dare I expect you to change? (An intrinsic trait of the Narcissist.)

please go to Part 11: A Warning to Victims of Narcissist (VoNPD’s)

Part 9:  Narcissism = Incorrigible H never once in our friendship responded to verbal requests for a deep and balanced discussion about our friendship, nor did she ever offer any apologies or take responsibility for her attitude and behavior toward me. She never offered any ideas about how some things between us could improve. We had the kind of disagreements that every normal friendship has. But the subject was verboten. I could either put up or shut up, though she never said that directly. She didn’t have to. Her body language and facial expressions told me she felt my requests were outrageous and unwarranted.  I learned never to ask, because the tension in the room would soar off the charts. H also never responded to letters . She never even read them. There were only two or three letters written inside of a year or two. It was not as if I were frequently begging.  I never stopped to consider what it truly meant that she was stonewalling me.  (I know now that is a game of the Narcissist.) The fact is, H has never responded to reason, to logic, to common sense, to pleas for truthful dialogue and especially she did not respond to the idea of compromise. Nothing. It was The Silent Treatment. (Yet another Narcissistic trait.) H simply cannot go there. She has even shouted at me (while towering over me) “Your mother just can’t. She just CAN’T” when I complained that my Narcissistic mother has never submitted to therapy or co-counseling with me.  Methinks thou doth protest too much, H. When H wanted to control a situation, she would simply go silent. She simply did not respond. She actually believed that people were not worth responding to; in fact, they probably deserved punishment – but in any case ignored – for challenging her.

She did it to her sister in law and she did it to me. No doubt she does it to others… how many I cannot guess. I wonder if H has anyone she allows to remain in her life – beside her husband – who stands up to her (thereby standing up for themselves). I doubt it. H does have her long-term trusty stable of supporters — both healthy and not so healthy — she makes plenty sure of that. (Just like my Narcissist mother always did and still does.)

Please go to Part 10 — What I Would Say To H Now

Part 8: Turning Point (A Fortunate Online Meeting)

Six months after H blasted me, during which time she was emailing vague hooks, the fortunate meeting came with my online friend C. It was C who had reached out to me, complimenting me on standing up to an entrenched foolish poster on some message board.

Over the months, our friendship has blossomed into something far beyond simply discussing Narcissism and its effect upon our lives. How boring Narcissistic drama actually is anyway, eh? There is LIFE to be lived out there!

After a few weeks of getting to know C via emails and hearing about her own malignant narcissist mother (who was physically as well as psychologically abusive), I mentioned to C that I wanted to tell her part of my story about H. It was a few weeks before I took the risk of revealing myself.  I really wanted to know what C thought, so I took a chance. I think my intuition was working overtime, because it turned out to be a very fortuitous decision.

However, at that point, I still — incredulously — thought I could get through to H, still see a change in the friendship.  Even typing it up didn’t convince me that the friendship was toxic and needed to end.

I wrote out part of the story, touching on the highlights, and sent it to C. Writing it helped me really connect with how I was tired of being used, tired of being corrected, tired of being watched like a hawk in H’s home for no good reason. I was tired of being told to do this and not do that. I was tired of being told to do this a certain way, and that a certain way. I was tired of being treated “less than”. I was tired of being made out a fool, especially to H’s family and friends.

I was tired of being a minion. I was tired of being made to feel like a silly little panting/wagging puppy dog or a 5-year-old. I was tired of hearing that my interests and tastes were silly. I was tired of meeting with gritted teeth and clenched jaw when I would bring up a subject she wasn’t interested in.  If I pushed it, she would clench her jaw or jump up and leave the room, exhaling derisively.  (Whatever happened to “oh, Bob and I will talk about anything for a few minutes, we’ve both got a lot of air in our charts!”) I got tired of being dismissed if I brought up something she wasn’t interested in or considered frivolous or uninteresting or not worth her time. I had to learn what she would listen to and talk about, and abide by it. (Controlling and self-absorbed: a trait of the Narcissist.)

And I was especially tired of H blocking all of my attempts at improving our friendship. Just plain tired, angry and by then bitter – and creeped out by the vague one-liner emails she had started sending me. I was growing colder and more determined each day to end the “friendship” with H.

When I received C’s response, I was floored. I had never before considered Narcissism with respect to H. I knew she had some serious issues, but I’d never put a description to it. She was “too nice, too spiritual, too much of a committed spiritual seeker, she had been good to me through the years” — even though it was always intermixed with what I now knew was Abuse.

C directed me to some websites and message boards about Narcissism. I spent days reading them. I recognized H (and my mother and high school friend) in so many of the stories that were posted, in the DSM-IV and in other professional resources on the disorder.

I couldn’t deny it. I wanted to, but I could no longer.

H moved to the Midwest between 2 and 3 months after she told me she needed a break. She left town without saying goodbye – even though I had emailed to say “good luck, it would be good to say our goodbyes in person over tea since you are moving so far away.” I was simply trying to use proper etiquette and social graces. I never received a response. I wasn’t surprised, but tossed it off. It was nothing new.

The Hooks

A couple of months later — after No Contact from my end because she “needed a break” — H started sending me a few strangely vague, very brief emails. Little did I know that the reason for those emails was not because she truly missed me. Narcissists convince themselves they miss you, but it is for all the wrong reasons.

The real reason “they miss you” is that when you go No Contact, their Narcissistic Supply vanishes and they literally start needing a fix.

It’s very important to remember that with a Narcissist it’s all about them, while they are often accusing you of being the self-centered and selfish, messed-up one. After all, you are usually not handling life well, and you are probably Codependent – both which make you seem self-centered, needy, histrionic, and well… a bit crazy.  It’s very important to educate yourself about Narcissistic Supply.  It is very real, though some try to deny that.  If you’ve been a pawn of a Narcissist, you understand that Supply all too well.

Here H was, emailing me out of the blue like nothing happened! No explanation! No “hey, I’m here, have gotten settled, how are you, what’s going on?” I’ll bet somewhere in her mind she was thinking, “This will be so easy! Let’s see what kind of idiocy my best source of Narcissistic Supply will provide to me this time.”

A few weeks after after my cursory response, H emailed again with a one-liner (nothing else!) wanting to know if I had gone to hear Harry Manx, who had played my city the previous week. H knew me well – I probably wouldn’t have known about it because I often forgot to check that sort of thing, even though Harry Manx is one of my favorite musicians. I was on his concert notification list, but somehow it had not arrived or I had missed it.

H could have sent that email the week before the concert. She well knew about it — she keeps up with stuff like that. I am convinced that she wanted me to miss the concert. I wasn’t quick enough to catch that theme in her “innocuous” email though. I wrote back with frowning smilies and an OMG!

She never responded. It took me a day or two to realize that she was probably gloating – something H would never admit. She’s too “spiritual!” She’s such a “good person!” “She’s not manipulative!”  ”She’s not jealous!”  ”She’s not passive-aggressive!”  (Side Note: Sarcasm is how we VoNPD’s start to react after we wake up. Sarcasm is a good protective shield. It’s a necessary part of the process of healing, and helps you steer clear of the abusers in your life. Ultimately one arrives at the point of no emotional response.)

Another couple of months passed with No Contact. There was yet another email from H.  I responded cursorily; never received a reply. There was starting to be a pattern.  Every couple months, it was some hook or other from H. My cursory responses never went anywhere. She never responded back. She simply needed to know whether she could keep me tied in. Surely I would give in sooner or later! Surely those old floodgates would open at some point!  Surely it would be so entertaining to scorn my latest “silliness”.

Recently, H did not email me for a few months. I thought she was finally starting to get the picture. However, she started up again around our close-together birthdays three weeks ago by sending me an electronic birthday card, which I have not picked up. I ignored it. It’s over.

I keep getting reminders from American Greetings. Thanks but no, I will not be picking up the card. I want H to know that it is over. We are done. I no longer want her in my life. I no longer want to be H – or anyone’s – Narcissistic Supply. I no longer want to be an Invert, Codependent Narcissist. (Being intensely involved with a Narcissist makes you Codependent. It’s so deceptive and addictive that you don’t know it’s even happened.)

Once you get it, you get it. Until you do, you just don’t! It’s sad but true. So many shattered pieces to pick up and discard, or somehow put back together. So much wasted time and lost experiences. (A common circumstance of VoNPD’s.)

What I want – what most people want! – is a healthy, balanced, open, flowing, loving friendship that successfully survives the ups and downs and revels in the good times. I am starting to have that! It’s early days, but it’s working. I have a protective shield around me while I look – and really try to see – who and what I am really dealing with.

I no longer play into the hands of people who hold me in contempt for being flawed and vulnerable, which is only human. Instead, I have started holding my cards to my chest, and I do not play them unless absolutely necessary. The old saying is true: Most people can count the true friends they make in the period of a lifetime on the fingers of one hand. I am no exception, and I’m at peace with that.

Therefore — with the help of C — my wonderful, insightful, generous online friend — I ultimately decided to just go “No Contact” with H. That is the best way to handle someone like H.

If I wrote, as C suggested, “please do not contact me again” I know H would find a way to spin it to make me look bad to other people – especially those in our former spiritual community. Not worth it. I already have to deal with my Narcissistic mother’s stable of supporters, and that is difficult enough. I do feel it is very good advice in other circumstances, though.

Please go to Part 9:  Narcissism = Incorrigible

PART 7: A Cruel Blow

Backing up to one year ago, before the “poem” incident. H and I had yet again band-aided our friendship without really discussing or solving anything (classic Narcissist M.O.) We’d been hanging out again for about 9 months.

As mentioned, a few months prior H had refused to drive 13 miles to assist me when I had pleurisy. Instead, H called a mutual friend, B, and asked him to check on me. B was on a date at a sports game, without his vehicle. He couldn’t just drop everything right then.

A few days later B called to see how I was. I was surprised he had waited that long. I told him that H had not come to help me. B said sarcastically, “why didn’t H just get up off her ass and drive up there to help you”? I knew why: she couldn’t be bothered, and she is a miser. It was during the $5/gallon summer of 2007, yet she regularly spends hundreds of dollars on computer equipment and manages to fly places 2-3 time a year. That shows where her values and priorities lie.

That question was the most B has ever admitted to me that something is very wrong with H, but he won’t discuss it. The only other thing B’s ever said is “H needs to learn that if she asks for feedback during a class, she has to actually listen to the response.”

B knows better than to deny that there is something very wrong with H.  I became convinced that B actually does know, but he’s very conflicted about it.  He didn’t want to come between us and he didn’t want his words possibly used against her in our ever-increasing conflicts.

B is also very emotionally attached to H, who has been like a big sister to him for many years.  He’s also long had a crush on and held a torch for her, convincing himself that she should never have married BD, but should have been with him instead.  He still rants about it.  Little does B know that H is actually very angry with him, and for various reasons does not respect him.  (She keeps him tied in; she has need for “elevation over” him [and me]: a Narcissistic Trait.)

Soon after the pleurisy healed, H told me that B had said something to her about my “latest crisis” from which I “needed rescuing”. I pressed H about it. She started hemming and hawing as if she were trying to bail herself out of something. I asked her if he’d really said that. She was sure he had. I suspected it was actually her idea and she was passing it off on him. I knew her too well.

I confronted B. He told me that H was the one who said it. I believe him. But I also know that B thinks I am a calamity case and he hadn’t really believed that the emergency was serious (believe me, pleurisy is serious and extremely painful). And of course, H had convinced herself I was crying wolf and could handle it myself.  Did she even stop to think I would have dropped whatever I was doing had I received the same type of call from her?

I was still recovering from the pleurisy, the housing incidents and the resultant emotional and financial issues. I was also having to deal with my mother more frequently as she deteriorated in very challenging ways. She had become even more difficult than she’d always been, and I was trying to carry a full academic load in my final year of school.  I had just moved a couple months before, and was still trying to get settled.  I moved 3 times in 11 months, twice during the final 2 weeks of term when papers and projects are due.  It was chaos and ruined me financially.

I knew that the comment was made by H and that B had simply agreed with her.

You might be asking yourself: Did I confront H about that comment? I ask you: Would it have done any good??

I was so hurt by it that I hit the skids – badly. I knew it meant that H and B didn’t consider me the kind of friend they would help in an emergency — not even a medical one. After 30 years of knowing them both, that was where things were.

With that, and everything I had been through for the previous 20 years since my divorce (which hasn’t been described here aside from this friendship), I fell apart mentally and emotionally. I could no longer do my schoolwork. I was carrying a full load of four strongly academic classes year round. I was close to graduation, and I became completely unable to handle my final year of classes.

I simply lost the ability to think. I couldn’t read a paragraph. I forgot how to do academic research or write a paper, though I’d had a 3.9 grade point average, and had written excellent papers. I’d never experienced that phenomenon in my life and it scared me silly.

At the same time my Narcissist mother was becoming senile and losing her eyesight, hearing, and memory. She became even more abusive than before, and especially needy and demanding. My mother had already turned me into the Family Scapegoat with her side of the family here, as she had done with my father’s side of the family during my childhood in another state. They had become no support, though when I arrived they liked me just fine and we had a fair amount of contact and were developing nice cursory friendships. My mother put a stop to that by creating conflict and then whining about me. By this time, I was in the process of going No Contact with them.

I simply could not believe that H and B — whom I thought were good friends, whom I’d known for 30 years through our spiritual community, would not think of themselves as someone I could call in a medical emergency. I hadn’t lived here that long, and it is difficult and time-consuming to make close friends of that type in this fast-moving technological world where we have the paradox of constantly staying in touch while actually being more isolated.

I fell into a protracted period of despair, despondency and confusion. I lost interest in everything and everyone. I just didn’t care about anything anymore. I could only go through the basic motions of everyday life. The harsh reality that I meant so little to H and B was too much to bear after the trauma of recent years.

Even though the comment regarding my medical emergency should have been the absolute final straw, I still wanted H’s friendship. (Is your jaw dropping incredulously?!) We continue.  

I still would not face what a sick, dysfunctional friendship I was locked in to.

14 months ago, I made what H considered a highly questionable request about a difficult situation I was potentially in. I had just moved again so I could be closer to a new job (that’s 4 moves in 2 years). I had spent all my resources accomplishing the move. Not a month later, my new landlord (who is a great person, by the way, and a wonderful landlord) was suddenly laid off from his longterm professional job. He warned me that he might need his in-law apartment back so he coul rent out the main house. Fortunately, the situation quickly resolved in my favor a day or two later.

The situation having resolved quickly, I notified H. As usual, she didn’t read my email.  She often ignored my emails and only opened them when she felt like it, many times after the material was outdated and useless. Instead of reading the email, in the middle of the night she took it upon herself to write me a blistering email for being unethical, immoral, unspiritual, opportunistic, implying that I was unworthy of her friendship. “How dare I” ask her to help me think up something that would help me safely get from point A to point B in a potentially disastrous situation?

What I had asked H to do was similar to other ideas she has come up with in the past, but she conveniently forgot that. She is quite self-serving.  And what about the fact that I knew she was being very calculating about what she was doing to prepare her house for sale (nothing) and how long she was dragging it out (for several years).

It was clear to me that H had absolutely no concept I might need a break from her as well, and that I had needed one long before this incident. Of course she wouldn’t! She had never deigned to listen to any of my considerations, my requests for frank talks… nothing. It was simply not allowed. I was so Codependent with her that I never even considered taking a break from her except when things were so egregious that we periodically became estranged.

The email was at the same time cold and vitriolic.  I knew I was quickly getting to the point of being completely done with H. She didn’t know it though. She still thought I was addicted to her. I was – but at that point, I knew that I finally wanted out. I just didn’t know how I was going to go about it.

Little did I know how easy it would be.

Please go to Part 8: Turning Point (A Fortunate Online Meeting)

PART 6: The Beginning of The End

It is difficult to say exactly when I knew it was the end with H. There had been so many signs. It was certainly long overdue. I think there are many signposts along our journey but we don’t heed them because we are too entangled in the chaotic dysfunction.

Certainly, one sign was the incident in which H unfairly accused me of making someone attempt suicide.

Certainly, it was the betrayal of our friendship regarding my impossible living situation with S, which she had played a direct part in causing, then did nothing to listen or sympathize.

Certainly, it was H’s refusal to drive 13 miles and assist me in getting to a doctor while I was in agony with pleurisy – made worse by the fact I didn’t know what was wrong.

Certainly, it was when I realized that H did not want me calling her in any kind of emergency – not even a medical one. Certainly, it was when she left town without saying goodbye. Certainly, it was when she strangely contacted me with vague emails.

Certainly, it was when she asked after the fact whether I had gone to hear Harry Manx and learned I had missed it.

The Final Straw

Most of all, it certainly was when H did not directly respond to my news several months ago — sent via group email to friends and family — that my daughter was doing her first triathlon in Hawaii, having trained for months with her team while raising over $5100 for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society on her personal fundraising page.

Instead, H responded with that poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer entitled “The Invitation”.   There was no other comment. No greeting. No ending. Just the poem.

When I opened that email, I was stunned. I felt kicked in the stomach, and I had been. I was simply sharing my daughter’s good news. Clearly H had perceived it as me bragging about my daughter, and she was going to sock it to me for that. It was a jaw-droppingly self-righteous and offensive thing to do.

Am I not allowed to be proud of and share my daughter’s accomplishments? Apparently not.  Do I really deserve to be punished because I share my joy with my friends and family? Apparently so.  Did H really feel I was lording it over her? Apparently so.  Because that is what she would do — what she had always done — without realizing it. (Another trait of the Narcissist.)

And did H not remember that I had supported her own daughter’s Appalachian Trail journey?

If ever there were a sign that this woman was not my friend, this was finally it. Especially since there was no personal greeting and no acknowledgement of its message.

During the past year, I had supported over a several week period H’s daughter’s journey with her boyfriend on The Appalachian Trail. I had even followed it on the Internet with H. I showed an ongoing interest. I applauded it. I cared.

So that preachy, offensive, self-righteous email was the final straw. It was the final blow to the “friendship.” What more evidence did I possibly need?

Several weeks later, I went to visit my daughter out of state. I told her about H’s response to my daughter’s news. My daughter just looked at me and said “Mom, that’s really f-d up. That is obnoxious. That is psycho. Just ignore the b-. I never felt comfortable around her anyway. She’s weird.”

Not 30 minutes later, we returned home and I checked my email. There was an email from H, sent while I was having that conversation with my daughter. It was a “puppies, bunnies and kitties” type of electronic Easter greeting. Mind you, H is not a “puppies, bunnies and kitties” type of person at al, but she well knows that I am.

What a ploy.

I ignored it.

please go to Part 7: A Cruel Blow

Part 5: The Pot Boils Over

The second estrangement from H came two years later when my house mate was getting married suddenly and I needed a new place to live. H put me together with a friend of hers, S. S had been one of the friends H initially kept me away from. S was in financial trouble due to a sharp downsizing of her salary. She needed a renter in order to keep her house. I didn’t know just how unhappy and dysfunctional and difficult to deal with S would be.

The arrangement ended up being a disaster. Indeed, from the very beginning the signs of failure became obvious. S and I had different personalities, lifestyle and viewpoints, different schedules, different needs. It just wasn’t going to work. But S needed my money so badly that in order to save her mortgage she played her part well when we met to discuss the arrangement. I did not see any signs there would be a problem. Everything seemed on the up and up. She was very nice, I trusted her as H’s friend, and I had no reason to think S might be a complete disaster as a house mate.

S told me I could move my piano into her downstairs family room, then later denied ever saying it. She came home late one night from work to find the front door wide open and accused me of doing it. Another night she came home at midnight and found the toaster oven on at full blast. She accused me of leaving it on. I rarely used her filthy kitchen.  She had 6 cats and there were 3-4 litter boxes sitting underfoot in the kitchen.  (Is your jaw dropping??)  I rarely went in there.  All my stuff was stored in boxes downstairs and there was room for only a few things in the refrigerator.  And I certainly hadn’t been using her toaster oven late at night.  I had a toaster oven of my own in a makeshift space in my bathroom.

S never made a place for me in either of her two refrigerators, nor in her many cupboards. She just wanted my money so she wouldn’t lose her house, and she wanted me to abide by all her cockamamie, paranoid rules. The 6 cats alone were so high-maintenance that I went crazy. They were everywhere and I couldn’t move about the house without having to constantly open and close doors and make sure they didn’t get into certain rooms. It was crazy making.

And of course, the 6 cats came first! My pecking order was bottom rung. One would think S would show more consideration for someone who was literally helping her keep her house. It ended up costing me thousands of dollars I could not afford; I was a student at the time. I kept quiet for several weeks and finally I approached her about the refrigerator and the cupboards. My stuff was still in boxes. How had she not seen that?

How, as a landlord, had S thought she didn’t need to provide space for my food?? I had felt reluctant to approach her about it. She was under a great deal of stress and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or embarrass her. I grew increasingly uncomfortable.  Finally, after 4 months, I blew up. I spent the last 2-3 weeks living there without speaking to her. We avoided each other. The final straw came when I asked her “If I had talked to you about this at the very beginning, would it have made a difference?” She said no. I was absolutely floored.  I became enraged.  I lost it.  It made no sense at all, and she didn’t even care about my needs.  She never took responsibility for failing at the basics of being a landlord.  Of course, she ran to H and told her I had blown up at her.

I knew that H blamed me for what happened with S.  She had zero sympathy for my plight.  I felt betrayed and abandoned.  H adamantly refused to discuss it, saying that she was taking “the high road” and refused to “come between us.”  I knew full well that H was actually discussing it with S and I knew that she was siding with her because according to H, I am always in the wrong. And I knew H would want the gory details so she could stroke herself yet again about how much better a person she is than me. (Another trait of Narcissism.)

I began to suspect that H set me up with S knowing it would probably not work out with her.  Was she not thinking about our many differences?  Did she not see that S really didn’t want anyone living in her home, but only did it because she had to?  That is a recipe for failure, and the tenant is always the loser.

I cut off contact with H again for the next 18 months, but the damage was done. I had begun to realize that I was really getting screwed by her. This was no friend at all. It didn’t matter what the situation was, I was in the wrong, because I was… (insert H’s negative descriptions). And it didn’t matter what was going on, H never wanted to listen to my side of the story in difficult situations, because she was already convinced I was wrong. For the remaining 3 months out of 7 I lived with S, I had No Contact with H and S and I avoided each other as much as possible.

Even Hotter….

I moved to another location to get away from the madness of that situation. It cost a lot of money I didn’t have. I had to borrow it because I was on student loans. The new landlady, HS, turned out to be a Malignant Narcissist. Unfortunately HS happened to know S through her husband’s career. Without my knowledge, there ensued much gossip and backbiting about me, by people who did not even know me, and by H and S, and S’s sister and brother-in-law who worked with HS’s husband. In addition, my cousin’s boyfriend also knew my new landlords through his career, so my cousin heard all about it too.

So it was that many lies were told about my supposed actions and words, all to my discredit. And since by that time I was really losing my cool, I must be in the wrong! Of course! Case closed!

please go to Part 6: The Beginning of The End

PART 4: The Pot Heats Up

Six years ago, I moved to H’s area to be near my aging mother who was 80 and becoming frail.  I also wanted to make a fresh start after 14 devastating years.  It was a long drive. Part of the time, I thought about H and how it might be between us now that we would be living near each other. I concluded that H and I might not get along very well because I knew that I had become much more assertive. I wasn’t in a mood to back down like I always had. Through trials and tribulations, I was now much less like the Invert Narcissist H had always conveniently had at her disposal (back then I called it being her puppy dog). Looking back, I still had not fully accepted that I had a long way to go in winding out of the friendship, or that I even needed to.

After I arrived and got settled, H seemed pleased that I was there, but she kept me away from her friends. I had already known she would, so I wasn’t surprised. I suspected that she had some trepidation about my living close to her. (“What would that bring? I need her for my Narcissistic Supply but she gets so over the top!”) I knew H continued to complain and snark about me to her daughters and husband, something she’d always done judging by the way they treated me. They were all convinced I was a wacko. (Narcissists need their sources of Supply to appear “less than.”)

H never wanted to go anywhere or do anything — not even take a neighborhood walk. It became very frustrating. All we’d do is sit around talking for endless hours, watching TV (always cable news) and working on computers. She didn’t want to do anything spontaneous unless it was under her control. When we did infrequently do something outside her home, it always had to be what she wanted to do or it simply didn’t happen. And it was always her home where we got together, never mine. I felt H was a bit agoraphobic and definitely a control freak, but I was still willing to overlook all that.

There opened up whole new ways for H to intimidate me: “You drink too much coffee”. “Your chicken soup is too greasy.” “The TV shows you like are frivolous.”  ”You pay too much attention to my cats.” “You don’t understand how to handle my cats.”  Just a few examples of many.

Shortly after my arrival, the job interview I’d been promised beforehand fizzled out. It turned out the person who offered it had engaged in some very wishful thinking about her employer. (She was also a recovering meth addict and an ex-convict, and traveled with an open bottle of brandy wherever she went which I only found out after moving in.)

I was trained in therapeutic massage and had practiced for 10 years, so H put me together with a long ago former acquaintance of hers, J, who was ill with cancer and with whom she had very recently reconnected (found out he was living in our city). J was disabled and terminally ill, and could use some therapeutic massage due to being wheelchair bound. He was a former radio personality in the Midwest. He was sarcastic and passive-aggressive. He was a difficult client. He made promises he didn’t keep. He denied saying things. He would often keep me waiting, without communicating the reason why.

J never took responsibility for his words and actions, and was very snarky about “spiritual types” (i.e. me, and he was conflicted about H though fond of her). He mocked anyone who was not exactly like him or who did not impress him, which was pretty much everyone since he had a lot of money. He mocked people online, yet went around to several nice restaurants where he had made sure everyone knew him. He was “hail fellow well met” in those situations, which took place on a daily basis.

Not surprisingly, I soon became exasperated by the chaos and negativity with J.  I wrote him a letter calling him nicely but firmly on several of his broken promises, his denials, and his changing things up at the last minute. I politely asked him to take care of that so we could have a proper business relationship.

In response (or should I say reaction), J immediately thereafter attempted suicide. For several days, he was in the hospital at the brink of death. I learned that J had attempted suicide several times in the past. I wasn’t surprised. J was a “cry wolf” type of person, and I had already experienced him as a vituperative pathological liar — a Narcissist, really.

It was easy to see right through J, even though we had just met. J knew I was struggling financially, and he held me in contempt for that, calling me a loser. I should have walked away, but no — I just had to convince J of how terribly he was behaving, as if that would somehow magically solve the problem. (Something VoNPD’s do all too often.)

When H learned of my letter to J (clearly he had used the letter as an excuse for his suicide attempt), she wrote me a ferocious dismissive email, accusing me of making J attempt suicide. I have worked in suicide prevention. No one “makes someone” attempt suicide. It was J’s choice. He had done it before, and it was clearly an act of spite. It was an excuse to act out and get attention.

The ploy sure worked on H, though. She accused me of “changing”, she “thought she knew me” and she blasted me for how she “just couldn’t believe what I had done.”

Excuse me. I asserted myself thoughtfully and politely to a master manipulator and he made a personal choice. There was nothing mean-spirited at all in my letter. J just didn’t like being called out for what he was doing — not even politely.

That became my first estrangement with H, within months of my moving here. The estrangement lasted almost 2 years, until we ran into each other at a meeting. I had known I might run in to her, and I was planning to avoid her. Unfortunately, when I walked in there was no place to sit except directly behind her.

Of course, we simply picked up where we had left off. Nothing was ever said about the suicide incident and H never went near J’s name. She never even once admitted that suicide is a choice which is common knowledge if you know anything about the field. She claimed to know so much about life and people, but she didn’t know that basic fact. She never apologized for her accusations. Now, if you had said such awful things to someone and really believed them, would you let them back into your life? I wouldn’t, because I wouldn’t say them unless I had strong evidence the accusations were true. But Narcissists do let the people they lambaste back in. It’s all a part of the game.

In my estimation, H made herself look foolish with regard to the subject of suicide while pretending to be knowledgeable about life, people and spirituality. I found out much later from someone else that J had died from the cancer not long after that suicide attempt.

please go to Part 5: The Pot Boils Over

Part 3 – REWRITTEN HISTORY

In our late twenties H and I lost contact for a couple of years. One day out of the blue, she called me to announce the birth of her first child the day before. I was a little surprised, but I was basically OK with the call. It did make sense to reconnect, since she had just given birth and I had just gotten married 9 days before.

Many years later, H told me that she had felt abandoned by many women in our spiritual community after she moved 2200 miles away, and that it had deeply hurt her. I pointed out that I had done the same thing, and had felt the very same way. I suggested to her that it was just modern life. While not always intentional, it happens more frequently than we would like. But as I probed deeper, I discovered that she had expected them to keep in touch with her, even though she was the one who moved away. In my experience the one who moves away usually needs to make the effort to stay in contact much more than the ones who remain behind. It’s pretty much of out of sight/out of mind, especially when your friends are part of a large spiritual community in a very large metro area.

A little over a year ago, I learned that in her own mind H has rewritten part of her personal history — stuff that was going on in her life when we first met all those years ago. I’m sure there is more rewritten history. (Rewriting history is a significant theme in Narcissism.)

While we were hanging out one day, H stated out of the blue that her ex-boyfriend, SC, with whom we both lived in the same house for a few months, had been “ganged-upon by his entire family”. They had “forced him to break up” with her “because she was lazy”. They felt that she “would not be a responsible mother”. I acknowledged her statements, but it didn’t sound quite right.

I called the ex-boyfriend. I asked SC if it were true, because that is not how I remembered it. He reminded me that he alone had decided to break up with H, because he could not trust her to make joint decisions about their future together while he was still in school. He had asked her to wait about children. He said that soon after that request, there had been a pregnancy scare after an abortion within a month after they got together.

All those years we’d had so many deep conversations about so many things, and she had never once mentioned it. She knew some things about my life that were just as negative in a different way, yet it was never mentioned. I had known about the abortion, having just moved in with them.  I had even helped her through it because she had chosen to do it by herself with some herb. Why did H feel the need to hide the pregnancy scare?  Why had she allowed me to think for 30 years that she had broken up with him instead of the other way around?

A couple of years after her relationship with SC ended, H left the region to start living with BD, a former college boyfriend with whom she had begun communicating again. I realize now that she trapped him into a relationship and marriage by becoming pregnant. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I see that H was determined to be pregnant by someone.

H had become convinced that at age 29 she was not going to be able to find a spiritual man to marry.  Certainly not in our spiritual community. Many of them were slackers, flyboys or wusses – not real men.  (This was a view I shared, as did many other women.)  Had H left BD (when she arrived after driving 2200 miles, she found him with another woman), she would have returned to continue with a man, A, whom I never knew about until recently.

Several months after H told me she “needed a break” from me, and after she’d started sending me strange email “hooks”, I called A to tell him that my friendship with H was done. It was my way of doing preliminary damage control, because I was preparing to go completely No Contact with H. I knew how she talked about me to her family and friends, and it wasn’t nice. I knew that she was still friendly with A and I knew she has complained about me to him before.

A told me that H almost went back to him after finding BD — her future and current husband — with another woman. I told A I had never known about their affair. A made some comment about public appearances because it wasn’t a committed relationship.

I remarked to A that he had probably avoided being trapped into fatherhood. He left that alone. (What did I expect? He’s an attorney!) As the conversation wound down, A remarked that he felt I would reconsider my decision after some time had passed. It was obvious he felt that’s what I should do. I told A it would never happen because I was 100% done and I was sure of it.

I suspect A, as a member of our former spiritual community, thought I was being “unspiritual” and “unforgiving” and “too harsh”. I don’t care. A has no idea what I have been through with H. A still nurtures (along with several other men) his long-held fantasies about her, which will probably never die seeing as how most men are about female physical beauty, unattainable women and their fantasy lives.

please go to Part 4: The Pot Heats Up