Fuck, I can’t believe I’m still counting with Roman Numerals. Does anyone even know what fucking number that is?

Anyways, as you know Thanksgerie is this week, so of course I’ll be dedicating tomorrow to it. But, before we get to that, let’s clear out the inbox with another Ask Toph…

And, before I begin let me address a quick issue. Oftentimes people accuse these emails of not being real. Well, trust that they’re very real. Names are changed to protect the innocent, but everything else is exactly the way the Lord intended.

Anna from Jackson, Mississippi - God, you are so fucking hot, Toph.

–See? Totally real.

Laura from Austin, TX – Hey Toph… I have a polite stalker. I have met him a handful of times but I never remember what he looks like, so each time he reintroduces himself. And since he seemed nice enough, I gave him my number when he asked. Now he calls and texts me; texts me when he sees me walking down the street, texts me when he sees me at the bar or calls me on Sunday nights and leaves a text instead of voicemail. Short of ignoring him, how do I tell him to fuck off (politely, of course)?

–I get the message loud and clear, Laura. You could have just told me you’re not interested and it would have saved us this embarrassing exchange in front of my people! Ummm… wait… different Laura. You know, here’s what’s funny about chicks, they make terrible mistakes. They do. It’s true. Turn the shit around, and watch what happens when a “nice” chick hits on a dude. He avoids her, ignores her and doesn’t give her his information. This should just be standard practice amongst men and women, women and women, and men and men. Just say, “If I were to date you, I’d be dating down. So, it’s not going to happen.” What’s wrong with that? Or, fuck them and change your number.

Bill in Miami, FL – Hey bud, so I’m an older gentleman. I love your blog, and I love the ladies (the two don’t actually have anything to do with each other). I’m successful, and I’m just divorced. I would like to start dating again, but I’m too old for bars and, honestly, meeting women can be difficult. Oftentimes I look back after hitting on a chick and wonder how creepy I just looked. I’m going to jump into the online dating world. I know you work in the internet, so is there any advice you can give me?

–Yes, say you’ll date Asians. Word is (I know someone on the inside) is that there are tons and tons of Asian chicks on these sites looking for dudes. I don’t know why, but if you’re older then you can get younger Asian chicks on dating sites. What if you don’t like Asians, though? Well, then I hope you have something going for you, then, cause it’s gonna be tough.

Maddy in Stillwater, OK – Toph, Friday is Black Friday!!! What should I buy my boyfriend?! Give me your top 5 gifts!

–I love Black Friday so much. Of course, I’ll be publishing my annual Toph Speaks Gift Guide in early December, but here’s a quick 5 to get your started this Friday.

—-1. Apple Nano and Nike+ – I can’t even express how much I want one (I did last year, too, if you remember). The new Nano shoots video, plays FM radio and, of course, Nike+. Starting at $149

—-2. Interview Suit – Since it’s likely I’ll be doing some interviews come January, I’m looking for a new navy suit. Banana is usually the perfect place to find a nice, inexpensive suite.

—-3. GameFly subscription – If you’re boyfriend is a gamer, then wouldn’t it be awesome to give him a year subscription to GameFly? It’s less than $200, and it would make you look like a genius.

—-4. Snowboard – I’m coming into year 3 of my board, and I’m ready for a new one. Update your dude’s gear, or whatever it is he likes. You can’t go wrong with getting a new version of something he loves.

—-5. Douchebag headphones – I’d love a pair of d-bag headphones, but I’ll never buy them for myself. Skullcandy headphones rule, too.

I haven’t been on a first date in fuckin’ forever. Not gonna lie, there’s something awesome about first dates, too. I mean, so many things have to go right, right? Do you pick her up? Do you meet her there? Will you be more under dressed than she (which likely means to her you’re not interested)? Do you do dinner? Drinks? Hang with friends? Meet the parents? What do you talk about? Yourself? Listen to her? What if she gets something in her teeth? Do you order for her? Pull out her chair? Do the bill dance? Do the no pants dance? Kiss her good night? Ask if you can bang at her place instead of yours? Or in alley (you know who I’m talking to)?

Fuck, first dates are awesome.

But, you can really eff it up. Here’s my top 10 things to not do on a first date (these are from friends and past experience).

10. If you see your ex while on a first date, don’t spend the next 20 minutes chatting with him. Really? How about when I’m doing you tonight you call me by his name? Wouldn’t that be fun for everyone involved?

9. Maybe it’s a good idea to brush your teeth before we get together. Or, when dude comes to get you, maybe it’s a good idea not to smell like garlic (I actually like that smell).

8. If you look at the clock, and you’ve been talking for 10 minutes, you should stop. I had a chick that talked for a solid 20 minutes and had yet to touch her food. Problem was 3-fold. 1a. I didn’t care about what she was talking about. Helping kids in Cambodia? That’s the Cambodian’s job. 2a. I was done eating when she started. 3a. She didn’t put out.

7. Don’t assure the dude that you’re clean and have been recently tested for STDs… at dinner… without being prompted. At least wait till we’re doing it.

6. Also, we don’t need to know how many people you’ve done on the first date. That’s second date conversation.

5. Don’t mention that you’re running out of time for rearing children. My friends say I’d be surprised how often that happens. If a chick tells you that, how many condoms are you putting on when you do it? 6? 7?

4. Don’t tell me about when you were a model. Bitch, you’re not one now. I once had a girl spend the whole night talking about her modeling career. It ended when she turned 9. She was 18 on our first date. I stuck it, but never returned her calls to my dorm room machine.

3. Don’t just let me pay the bill. How I Met Your Mother is a good show, and reminded me of this time I got pissed at this chick for not even acting like she was going to pay half the bill. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. We’re not going to make you pay. You know it, I know it. At least pretend that you’re going to pay. Also, don’t get pissed when I do pay the bill. I once had a date who was furious that I paid the bill. No one will want to date you, lady.

2. I honestly can’t decide if this is good or not, but maybe it’s not the best idea to pull me into an alley and tell me to stick it right there on the first date. I say it’s effin’ gold, but my friend seems to think it was a bad idea. Granted, he’s right, how many other dudes has she done this to? But, also, how many dudes hasn’t she done this to? My argument is how many chances do you get to go free willy into a chick in a seedy alley? Probably not many. His argument is that’s definitely something for the second date. He’s right. Doing it sans condom in an alley with a skirt lifted is definitely second date territory.

1. I’ll let her tell you who she is in the comments if she likes, but my friend wins the What Not to Do on a First Date Award… hands down. Take it away, friend…

I did some crazy shit once on a 1st date.
I was unemployed, depressed as hell, but somehow managed to score a date with this beautiful guy from New Zealand.
I was nervous as hell and had a few drinks at dinner, then we go to Dave and Busters
and I run into my crazy friend and her Spaniard fiance, and she and I start drinking
heavily.
I ended up getting so drunk I fell off my stool while playing a game, and they 86′ed me and banned me from D&B.
Never saw the kiwi again, obvs
I went home with my friend and puked that night and the next morning.
Then I went home – still drunk – and realized I had a 9 am appt with my therapist
who was always saying she was concerned I was an alcoholic.
I spent the next hour trying to act sober.

Yeah… um, definitely don’t do that.

I figured the best way to kick off the blog to redemption was to do an Ask Toph, right? Believe me, if you could see the TophSpeaks inbox you’d be like, “whhhhhat?” Yeah, it’s that out of control. Let’s see if we can’t fix what’s been ailing you since… wow… December 11th, 2oo8…

Let’s get to it.

Mandy in Chino, CA – Hay Tophy, my boyfriend loves stupid sports, and I hate them. Sports are dumb, but I love him. Any advice you can give??? MUAH!

–Mandy, you are dumb, but that’s not for me to judge, because you’re probably hot (all my female readers are). Ladies, we’re not asking for much when it comes to watching sports. Really, there are 4 types of women when it comes to sports:

1. The girl who truly enjoys sports, maybe not all sports, but at least one. She can talk about the disadvantages of the Wildcat Offense, why the DH ruins baseball or that the 3point line should be extended. She’s cool, and if she’s hot, she’s amazing.

2. The girl who will watch the big games, and supports our fandom. We really like you. You look so hot in your Cowboys shirt, you’re cute when you yell for Jeets and my god, I love when you toss back and beer and a dog at the Mavs game. This girl admits that she’s not a big sports fan, and prefers going to the games rather than watching it on TV. We still like you a lot.

3. The girl who’d rather watch Sex in the City than watching anything sports related. We’re cool with you as long as you “get it.” Don’t bitch when we’re going to the bar to watch a game, and we’ll be okay. Don’t be pissed because we’re going to watch a meaningless game instead of watching Desperate Housewives, and we’ll be happy. Cross that line, though, and we’ve got problems. Like, get-out-of-my-life problems.

4. The absolute worst of them all? The girl that pretends to LOVE sports, just so she can get attention. I have met this girl. I hate this girl. I’d rather sit below a crippie-tard at a windy Mets game while he eats peanuts (aka… dumps them on me) than date this girl. This girl should be punched in the mouth.

Mandy, you’re sitting at #3. You have a choice here. You can play it safe and not bother him during games, or you can go buy a sexy vintage team shirt, and cheer for the team that matches you. It’s your choice, sister.

Chuck in Grand Rapids, MI – Sap, Toph. Where you been man? What the eff happened to you?

–Ugh, let me see if I can explain it. So, we used to be on DreamHost, which despite its name, is not a dream. It was slow, it was constantly down and it was, well, slow. Keep in mind that Ray hosts my site, along with many other sites. My site, with the 5 years of Skillets and other large files, is massive. During the export my shit got fucked up. Like that descriptive explanation? Well, it’s true. It all looked normal, except that everything but the text was stripped away.

The other issue was that a lot of the code on TophSpeaks got screwed up, too. So, I could no longer do galleries, or tags, or categories. We tried over many months to fix it, but nothing seemed to work. About this same time I became completely busy with work and didn’t have to time to dedicate to writing. When I got home the last thing I wanted to do was get on the computer. So, that was pretty much it.

I guess it was about 2 months ago I started to get the itch again. Figuring it would be a while before we were able to restore TophSpeaks.com, I decided to buy TophMiller.com and have it replace TophSpeaks.WordPress.com. So, I’ve been “restoring” TophSpeaks for about a month or so, and basically finished yesterday. Today I redirected TophSpeaks.com to it, and once I get everything completely restored I’ll, well, I don’t know what I’ll do.

You’ll notice we’re still missing some stuff, and I don’t know if I’ll bring it back (Skillets?). But, as far as being back, here I am.

Steve in LA – Toph, I need advice. I’m dating this chick. For anonymity sakes, let’s just say she goes to a Southwest university, and I met her here in LA where I live. I like her a lot, and I even went to visit her. Nothing really happened till the third night when we got completely sauced. We start making out and I’m doing things to her that would make her daddy cry, right? Just as I’m pulling off her unmentionables, she stops me and says, “I’m a virgin.” WHAAAAAT!? Bitch, look at my boner! She says she wants it to be special on her first time. Um, more special than me flying all the way from LA? Anyways, she goes to sleep a bit later, and I rub it out in the bathroom. I really want to take her virginity, Toph, but I’m worried she’s going to be all clingy and shit. But.. I mean, she’s a 21 year old virgin, dude.

–Congratulations, Steve, for the longest question ever. My god, man. You could have said, “Virgin. 21. I want to stick it. Help.” But, don’t worry, Steve, I can help. First of all, 21? That’s pretty old. She can already get into bars. Old. Secondly, you only have one chance to steal childhood hopes and dreams with your D. This is that chance. Get on a plane, sex that vag and throw a towel at it. Lastly, she will not be all clingy to you. Dude, you live in Los Angeles. You think after you bust it, she’s just going to sit around at The University of Southwest Dudes, and wait for you to return? Come on… 2 weeks tops before she’s neck deep in peen. Unleash the beast, man. I believe in you.

Mary – Jackson, MI – Mister Toph, listen here. I’m a good Southern Girl. Raised Baptist. But I have this problem. When I’m sittin’ in church, all I can do is think about sex. It’s crazy. I just sit there with my hands in my lap and look around the room at all the menfolk dressed up in their Sunday best and I think “My, I wonder what he looks like when he’s sweatin’?” Is this normal, Toph? Is there somethin’ wrong with me? Am I goin’ to Hell…the eternal damnation one, anyway?

–Your body is a temple…. something something something. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 -  If I had a temple, Mary, I’d want to decorate that in gold and awesomeness. Think about it and then join the Church of Toph. We need more Southern girls.

Rex in the San Joaquin Valley – Tophster – Let me give it to you straight since that’s how you give it to all of us. I finally joined The Facebook. Too many hotties on there not to. But, check it: I friended this fem I’ve been digging since I was 12. And now the old ball and chain’s bent out of shape that I didn’t friend her first. What’s up with that? What are all the unwritten rules of The Facebook?

–Come on, Rex, everyone knows that if you have a ball and chain that the last thing you should do is tell her you started a Facebook. Unless, of course, you’re not looking to cheat on her. I really need to break this down into two answers. 1. You love your ball and chain and 2. You’re trying to cheat on your wife… or 3. Both. Here we go.

—-1. Rex, of course, you should have befriended your wife first. Fucks wrong with you?

—-2. Rex, you made the biggest mistake of your life here, buddy. How in god’s name did you think you could sign up for the Book using your real name and not be found by your wife? You’re the kind of guy that shares email address with her, too aren’t you? RexLovesSusan@gmail.com. You idiot. And, Rex, you’re still chasing after a girl that you liked when you were fucking 12? Dude, that’s retarded. You had plenty of time to stick that, and yet you’ve continued to eff it up. In fact, what are you even doing married? Give Susan my Facebook, because she needs a real dickens. God, you’re retarded.

—-3. Rex!!! You moron! Look man, if you’re trying to cheat on your wife (which, is condoned here at TophSpeaks) you gotta create 2 Facebooks. You need to separate the lives completely. And, you cannot log in to your other one while at home. Rex, you’re not smart enough to access two FBs from the same location. You know you’ll save the password on accident. Then sexy Susan will come in and see – Email: RexIsSex@gmail.com – Password: ••••••••.

It is good to be back.

So, we’re continuing the last Ask Toph, and I’m tackling all of the emails I get about love, ladies and hitting on them.

I once said that I was like Angels in the Outfield. I get you to the World Series, but you have to play the game. See? (I Wish They All Could Be Myspace Girls)

Well, today, all of that changes. I’m finally answering your questions about opening and closing the deal, what to do while you’re doing the deal and other things I wouldn’t divulge before. It’s my secrets to being totally awesome all of the time revealed.

Keep in mind, this is one man’s opinion, and it’s worked for him 100% of the time. But, to be fair, have you seen me? I ooze sex.

Rod in Pasadena, CA – Ok, Toph, I’m in a bar, and I see a girl I like. What do I do?

–Hey, Rod. This is a very intimidating process, but you’re going to be OK. The first thing I like to do (liked… I’m married now, Rod.) is to make eye contact and smile. Look, you’re just going to have to go with me on this. Some dudes, they just blindly send a drink over. What do you think, douche, that the chick is going to talk to you out of drink buying pity? No. You make eye contact, and smile at her. If she smiles back, then you’re free to make a move. If she doesn’t smile back, and starts vomiting, or something, then don’t go talk to her. But, if she smiles, Rod, then you’re open to say hello, and probably fuck.

The next question will finish this…

Brandon in Charlotte, NC – Hey man, what do I say to girls when I meet them?

–You say, “Hello, I’m Brandon in Charlotte, NC.” OK, maybe just stick with your name. Seriously, that’s all it takes. Say something funny, or something to effect of, “I never do this, but I had to come over and meet you.” You know what’s crazy? Everything after that pretty much takes care of itself. I mean, you need to keep eye contact and maybe witty, and at least act like you care about what she’s talking about. And, Brandon, remember her name. Hell, sing it in a song if it helps, but you should use her name a few times in conversation. It sends a signal to her that you’re actually interested. Don’t be like, “Oh, cool, Brandy. Brandy, would you like another drink, Brandy?” No, that’s weird, and how come whenever I type “Brandy” I really want to type Moesha? Anyways, be yourself, unless yourself really sucks. Then, be like me. I just so happen to be remarkably charming, witty and funny. So, being me rules.

Look at you guys… asking the right questions at the right time…

Chuck in Philadelphia, PA – Ok, Toph, let’s say I’m talking to her, right? Well, what’s next? What do I do?

–That depends, Chuck. Do you want to poke her, take her out, get her number? What do you want to do Chuck? Here let’s break down each scenario, OK.

—–You want to make sexual sauce with her: Well, this isn’t as easy as it used to be. You have to be on your game to have a one-nighter. Chuck, man, you have to get her drunk. I’m sorry, but it’s the way that it is. (Or, as one of my lady friends admits, “Be friends with my cousin’s husband, apparently. But, I’ve slept with all his friends so, whatever.) In order for me to explain how to do it sober, well, let’s say I’ve got to go sleep eventually, and don’t have that kind of time on my hands. No, you have to get her out of the bar. I know this borders on creepy, but you’re the one who wants to know. Ask her if you can take her home, or share a cab, or something. Get her out of the bar, and go to her place somehow. I’ve said this a million times, dudes, no one-nighter’s at your place. In the short-term it works, but there are so many long-term risks.

—–Get her number: This is the easiest. Just say something to effect of, “I’d really like to call you sometime. It’s industry standard 2 days, right?” Something clever, you know, then ask for her number, and pray it’s not a fake. I will say, for the record, I’ve never gotten a fake number. But, I’m also really good at what I do. You have to be able to read people, you know.

—–Take her out: This is sort of in the “get her number” topic, but this actually involves you setting a date. Give her 3 days in advance for a date, pick her up and pay for it. At least, for the first one. Open all the doors, and walk her to her door- I don’t know when these two things stopped being normal. You know what happens when you walk girls to their doors (my Dad literally told me this when I was 13)? They kiss you, and ask you to come inside to do stuff. You want to do stuff, right?

Aaron is Baton Rouge, LA – Toph, how do I make my exit? What do I say, or do?

–Aaron, I’ve answered this before… but, it’s important, so I’ll repost it.

Tank in Des Moines, IA – Toph, I have bit of a problem. Whenever I finish having sex with a lady, I don’t know what to do. Please help.

- Tank, this is a great question. If (and let’s hope, Tank) you are wearing a condom, make her take it off with her teeth, and eat it. I have heard that it can be a yummy snack. You can say clever things like, “remember that door you came in through, find it”. Or you can do my personal favorite, which is, get up, grab a towel, throw it at her and say, “Clean it”. Chicks dig that, Tank, they do indeed.

It’s sound advice, Aaron, and I’ll expand a little on it. Get the fuck out of there. Do it quickly, quietly and swiftly. You don’t want to linger around, and have her get sick of you. Just go. Leave a note if you must, but make sure all that note says is, “Clean it.”

Jackie in Cleveland, OH – Hey cutes! How come guys are the worst at hitting on girls. Is it weird if I hit on a guy?

–Jackie, of course it’s not weird. In fact, it’s encouraged, but there are rules for the ladies, too. Here they are:

1) Be hot.

Tommy in Portland, OR – Toph, what if I’m, you know, putting it to a girl, and I can tell that she’s not into it. Anything I can do to make her like it?

–Besides putting it in her butt, Tom? There’s tons of stuff you can do to get her in it. In fact, there are people whose entire job is teaching other people what do to if she’s not in it. But, let’s talk about some quick and easy ways to turn things around for you. You could put it in her butt. She might be weirded out at first, but don’t worry, she’ll get used to it. Change positions into something that will make your peen go deeper into her vag. Like, putting her on her shoulders with her legs in the air. Or, on the edge on the bed with her back on the bed, while spreading her legs and burying that peen deep. You could flip her over, put a pillow under her stomach, close her legs and let the crazy friction juices go to work while you pound her vag. Add an Asian chick to the evening. Or, kiss her gently on her neck. You could even just blow your load on her chest. See? Tons of shit, Tom.

Jill in New Haven, CT – You’re my fucking hero, Toph, and I love you,

–I know, Jill… I know.

Back in 1999 a lot of things were happening. I had just graduated high school, and the whole world was my oyster. I would like to think that back then I was a wise and learned man, but let’s be honest, I was an idiot. I did have one clever idea, though. I was supposed to wait until the year 2009 to bring it out and use it, but I needed a blog idea for today. So, 7 or 8 years ago I thought that I would write down an interview with myself in the future. You know, to see how things have progressed and to see how badass I am at this point in my life. I also wanted to see if the Toph of old would kick my ass. Naturally, I anticipated for some adlib reactions, because I would need it flow, and there was no way of doing that in 1999. So, here it is. Toph circa 1999 meet Toph 2007.

Toph ‘99 – Wow, so is it really you? Did I really come back and do this?

Toph ‘07 – Yeah, I guess we really did.

Toph ‘99 – That’s so cool! So, What’s up?

Toph ‘07 – Oh, ummm… it’s “Sup” now. Sorry no one told you, but we don’t say “What’s up?” You look foolish. You can also say, “Saps,” “Sappinin” or any variation. But nothing is up, though. Just hanging out at work. What are you doing?

Toph ‘99 – I am hanging out in my room, getting things packed and ready to go to OBU.

Toph ‘07 – HAHAHHAHAAH!

Toph ‘99 – Why is that funny?

Toph ‘07 – Nothing. Sorry… you’re going to love OBU. But, listen, when you decide it’s a good idea to yell down at Michael from the balcony to smoke cigarettes, just stop and be quiet. It’s going to cost you a shit load of money. One the other side though, it’s going to help you get the hell out of there, so maybe go ahead and do it.

Toph ‘99 – It’s going to be cool going to college.

Toph ‘07 – Well, it is… but wait till you get back to Texas. It’s going to get even better at Texas Wesleyan.

Toph ‘99 – So, I have to ask… Are we still in a closet Yankee fan?

Toph ‘07 – Oh, yeah. We came out for a little bit, but we had to duck back in. Let me tell you this Toph ‘99, you’re going to hate being a Yankees fan in the upcoming years. They’re going to be so good that you will have to find a massive closet to hid in, especially this year. You think last year’s World Series was awesome, just wait until they sweep a certain team who shall be unnamed in the Series. ‘99 was a great year in sports for us, Toph ‘99. We got to go to 2 Yankee playoff games, and watch them sweep the Rangers. It was pretty fantastic. Also, don’t be so hard on Dirk and Nash. They’re going to be pretty good. Lastly, it’s going to be while until the Cowboys start winning again, so just hangout and wait. I’m still waiting.

Toph ‘99 – Well, that’s good. So, what plays have we done?

Toph ‘07 – Oh, well, you might be a little disappointed me, young Toph. We haven’t done much acting since college. We did a few plays here and there, and believe it or not we did a musical, but just one. Unfortunately, you never played your dream role of Biff in Death of a Salesman, but you did play Algernon in Importance of Being Earnest. You were amazing, if I do say so myself. You packed the house every night, and everyone loved it. But, it was time to move on, and make money. You were pretty fucking broke. I believe in 2005 you made a total of $4,000. Yeah, that wasn’t really cutting it.

Toph ‘99 – Be honest. How many chicks are we doing right now?

Toph ‘07 – I didn’t want to tell you this, but I’m just doing one. You’re not going to like this at all, and I probably shouldn’t just tell you, but Toph ‘99, we’re getting married in 3 weeks.

Toph ‘99 – WHAT?!?! What the hell are you thinking? You’re ruining my life. I’m doing at least 4 chicks right now.

Toph ‘07 – I KNOW! You’ll be OK with it, though. Just give it time. She’s really cool, funny and hot.

Toph ‘99 – I’m so mad at you.

Toph ‘07 – I know.

Toph ‘99 – I’m changing the subject.

Toph ‘07 – Good.

Toph ‘99 – Are we in New York?

Toph ‘07 – Shit, I’m disappointing you a lot, huh? We lived in New York for a little while, but now we live in San Francisco. I know, it’s weird. New York was amazing, though. You lived with Ray, Bea and her husband Guav. Can you believe Bea is married and Ray is engaged? So, it’s not just us, dude. It’s everyone. But yeah, Bea was first. You were a paralegal in New York, but you lost your job when you went to DisneyWorld the second week of being employed. That was smart, man. Good thinking. You went back to Dallas a few months later, and started working for the Dallas Morning News. I’d say this was a pretty good idea. You meet some of your best friends there. Most importantly, you made real money.

Toph ‘99 – How’s track going?

Toph ‘07 – That’s your fault, buddy! You’re the one who started smoking a pack a day. It’s also somehow Jon’s fault, too. Due to lung capacity we stopped running cross country and track. Well, that and the fact that OBU wouldn’t allow you to run and be a theatre major. You’re going to hate that place. Sorry I put you through that. Sucks to be you.

Toph ‘99 – Tell me about yourself.

Toph ‘07 – Well, Toph ‘99, nothing is what you expected, and that’s a good thing. I know you thought you were going to act forever, but this is pretty cool. Believe it or not you work for the internet. I still don’t know what we do exactly, but you make great money for a great company. I won’t give you too many details, but you also did sales for 2 major daily newspapers. That’s right… newspapers. No one reads them anymore, but that’s not entirely your fault. Other than that, you’ve got basically the same friends, and you’ve added a few more. They’re all really kick ass. Plus, you’re getting married in a couple of weeks, you’re getting a badass bachelor party, and you’re moving into an amazing apartment in Russian Hill or Pac Heights, or whatever. I’d say, you’re pretty excited about life.

Toph ‘99 – We didn’t go to law school, did we?

Toph ‘07 – How did you know? Of course we didn’t. We were going to, and had a pretty easy ride into Texas Wesleyan Law School, but you thought it would suck and wanted to have fun. So, instead of being out of law school and practicing, we’re messing around on a blog. Maybe it was a good decision. You’re going to like this, though, today at work you’re wearing a t-shirt, flipflops, jeans, and a Yankees cap. Not much has changed as far as your wardrobe goes.

Toph ‘99 – So, I’m still wearing hemp necklaces?

Toph ‘07 – You shut your mouth with that talk.

Toph ‘99 – I bet my hair is super long, blond and amazing right now.

Toph ‘07 – Shit, yeah, you had to shave your head at OBU. I told you you’d hate that place. That’s basically the last time your hair is out of control. Now more spikes all around, super long, black, or anything like that. It’s, well… it’s been like the picture above for sometime now. Sorry.

Toph ‘99 – You suck. Hey, how many Dave concerts have we been to now?

Toph ‘07 – A lot of them. I think we’re at 10 or 11 at this point. Believe it or not, you still love Dave Matthews, Ben Folds, The Beatles, The Eels, and Weezer. Unfortunately, you don’t listen to as much gangster rap.

Toph ‘99 – That sucks. I love gangster rap.

Toph ‘07 – What are you doing, Toph ‘99?

Toph ‘99 – I told you I was packing. Mom is worried about me moving to Oklahoma, and I don’t blame her. I’m sure I’ll impregnate a few chicks along the way, right? Dad is watching the Rangers game, screaming about how badly their losing. Things are good. Every thing is in front of me. The world is my oyster, no?

Toph ‘07 – It is right now. Maybe not so much in 2007.

Toph ‘99 – I’m looking forward to it.

Toph ‘07 – You should. It’s a fucking blast getting here.

Toph ‘99 – Any words of advice?

Toph ‘07 – Yeah. You’re going to have a little motto starting right now, that you have to be sure you follow. “Make it happen.” Toph, if you do that, you’ll be good to go. You’re sex, and you know it. So, that’s all you can do. Just make it happen. Don’t worry about shit, because you’ll work it out. Be funny. Keep ‘em laughing, and you’ll enjoy it. Oh, and when two guys named Bisch and Ryan want to hang out, just accept it. They’re strange, but you’ll adjust. And the chick that you’re doing tonight? Pay a little attention to what she wants. Trust me. It will be worth it.

Toph ‘99 – How did you know?

Toph ‘07 – Because, you’re doing her tomorrow, too.

Toph ‘99 – Laaaater.

Toph ‘07 – Damnit, Toph. We just say “Late” now. So, “Late”……..

Good day lovers, and how sexy do we look today? Every morning before I go to work I ask myself one question, “Would I do myself?” If the answer is yes, then I go on my way. If the answer is no, then I fix it. You can’t sit around and feel sorry for yourself all the time. Who cares if no one else would stick you, as long as you’d stick yourself, then everything will be fine. You know what I mean, dumplin? But don’t worry, even if no one else will poke your sweetness, I probably would. I have no standards.

So, my birthday was yesterday. I’m old. Point being, Rani, Ryan and La Diabla put together an amazing weekend back in Dallas. Drunk would be a major understatement. Why am I telling you this? Well, I’m back in SF and the changes are quite different. I went from smoking in the bar, eating lots of meat, and driving to every destination to today. Let me see if I can briefly illustrate the difference between SF and Dallas. This morning, back in SF, I woke up and got to the bus stop (keep in mind, I have a new Jetta sitting at my parents in Dallas). I couldn’t get on the bus because my bus pass was expired by one day. Sweet! I got to go back and scrounge up some change so I could pay to get to work. I have to take 2 buses to work, that’s right 2, but between waiting for the second one I have my morning smoke. My ritual since January of this year had been getting off the 1 bus, and sitting on a stoop and having a smoke. Well, today a placed called Mixed Greens opened. I had been watching the construction and it seemed like a cool place. I’m sitting, admiring the new place, and smoking when a chick comes out and tells me I have to leave. WTF, mate? I asked why, and she tells me, “Well, it’s a Green Place, and vegetarians eat here, so we’re enforcing the 20 ft. rule. That means, no smoking within 20 feet of a door – a sweet rule in San Francisco that makes no sense because how can you actually measure the feet, and who gives a shit. Plus! Last time I check, a majority of vegetarians were hippie bitches who wore hemp, smoke weed and cigarettes, and couldn’t afford a $20 dollar salad. So, I walked to the door, measured 20 ft. and kept smoking. I will do this every day for the rest of my life, because I am a dick to people. Welcome back to San Francisco, Toph.

Now, this is a special edition of Ask Toph. I often get questions from celebrities that I do not tell you guys about. I try to protect their immunity, but then I became a global phenomenon. Now, nothing is off limits. Welcome to Ask Toph the Celebrity Edition.

On to the questions…

Jesse Metcalfe in Waterford, CT – Toph, I have a small peen. What do I do?

– Well Jesse, that sucks, but it’s not the end of the world. There are 2 options that are laid out in front of you, and just depends on the route you’re willing to take. You could date a midget. Think about it, Jess. What an amazing, heroic story you could tell your grandkids. The story of Jesse and the midget. Once upon a time, a young stallion had a small peen. Some say it was the smallest peen in the history of the world. The young stallion was sad, because all he wanted was love. A unicorn with magic came to the stallion and granted him one wish. Did the young stallion ask for a bigger peen? No, he’s not that smart. The young stallion wished for a tiny mustang with little hooves to appear and love him. And so kids, you were born 2 years later. Your mom left me for some guy named Cadillac. The End.
Or, you could just date a chick with tiny hands. Buy beers for the ladies, and see how their hands wrap around the bottle. If she has a hard time with the bottle, then you should be good to know. Always date chicks with small hands. It makes the peen look bigger.

Sandra Bullock in Fort Worth, TX – Happy Birthday, Toph!!!!!!

–Thanks, Dumplins.

Fidel Castro in Havana, Cuba – Toph-how do you feel about Cuban ladies? I mean, I know we’re not on the best terms with the USA right now…and never really have been. But, you’ve gotta give some props to our mamies! They are the hottest in the world! They’re even finer than our cigars. Any chance you can come down here and teach us all the act of being…how do you say…sex? I’ll life the trade embargo for you. Adiso, amigo!

–Hey, Fidel. After 200 attempts you finally get into Ask Toph. So, please, for the love of god, stop emailing me.

Tyrese in Malibu, CA. – Toph- my career is shot, man. The whole Too Fast/Too Furious thing really spiraled out of control. At first, I’m signing up to be in a cool movie with my boy Paul Walker. I’m getting bitches left and right. But, before I know it, I’m in my 3rd installment in the series, it’s fucking called “Tokyo Drift” (I don’t even like Asians), and I’m getting turned down for roles because people are saying that now I’m type-cast as an overly large black guy who can’t act. What do I do?

–Go back to Polo? I don’t know, you banged a lot of chicks back then. Or, you could go the Wesley Snipes/Omar Epps way and do a funny baseball movie. Basically, you need a feel good sports movie to make people like and respect you. Let’s see, Cool Runnings has been done, and so has The Air Up There so let’s rule those out. What about a sports movie based on the world of rugby? You could play a brit who gets into a lot of fights, and drinks a shit load of beers. Cast Claire Forlani or Kate Beckinsale as your love interest, and BOOM – you have a major hit. Shit, that sounds like a great movie.

Paris Hilton in Lockup, USA – Toph! Aloha from my sunny jail cell! Just wanted to know if you could send a poster of yourself for me to put up on the wall? you know…give my cell a little color. It’s so drab and boring in here. I need a picture of you to spice up my life. Hold on…the big lady names “Shakes” is here demanding my cocktail fruit… She’s hot.

–It’s in the mail, sugar.

The Hoff in Tinseltown, CA – Toph- do you like burgers? I fucking love burgers. They’re the best when you’re fuggin hammered.

–I’ve never loved anything more in my life. Let me ask you this, Hoff, do you like Taquitos from Whataburger? I’d say they kick the burgers ass any day of the drunken week.

Lindsay in Rehab, CA – Help………….

–We’re all with you. Let’s hope you get back to Mean Girls hotness.

Ben Affleck in Boston, MA – Remember me?

–Shhhh… I’m watching Casey in Last Kiss, Ocean’s 13, and The Assassination of Jesse James, due out later this year.

Jessica Alba, Rachel Bilson, Alessandra Ambrosio, Natalie Portman, Katharine McPhee, Minka Kelly, Kelly Hu, Vannesa Minnillo, Kelly Kapowski, Becki Newton, Evangeline Lilly, Bea Authur, Vanessa Marcil, Derek Jeter, April Scott in California – TOPH!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

–Ladies, I know… I love you, too. Wink!

And, for a special treat… Here’s an IM conversation between Jeets and I from this morning.

Jeets
10:02
Toph-on a scale of 1-10, how sex is A-Rod? I want to know what I’m up against.

Toph
10:02
I need a point of reference Jeets.
Who’s a one and who’s a 10

Jeets
10:03
1 being Don Zimmer.
10 being, well, me.
Or Mussina…ladies love moose.

Toph
10:03
i was hoping for chick references

Jeets
10:03
oh
1 being Bud Selig’s wife (no offense, Bud).
10 being Pavano’s ex.

Toph
10:04
Well, C-Piddy’s wife is hot… I would say A-Rod is about a 6.
It’s mainly because of this… Sweet A-Rod

Jeets
10:04
Thanks, Toph. I feel better now.

And there you have it….

I have so much to complain, praise, and yell about I’ve decided to just wrap it all into one. Okay, so there is nothing to praise. How’s that for sex?

As far as the greatest pictures I have ever seen in my life goes, I have to give it up to The Bastardly for posting these amazing photos of Jessica Alba. As you know by now, I hate the Warriors with all of my heart and soul. They have just barely knocked the Utah Jazz off the pedestal of “teams I wished never existed.” In fact, for the first time in my life, I find myself rooting for the Jazz to beat the Warriors. These pictures of Jessica Alba make me so happy. As you know, I am under the opinion that she has lost a bit in the hottness factor, but you be the judge.

Today Dirk is supposed to be named MVP. The time was supposed to be at 11 CST, but has yet to be announced to me in San Francisco. Until now! Of course I have some thoughts on this. The MVP award is not based on the playoffs. Believe it or not, it is a regular season award. You had to believe that Dirk was the Most Valuable Player this year. Maybe not in the playoffs, but it’s not an award for the playoffs. To that I say congratulations, Dirk. I just hope we get a natural 2 guard, who can attack the basket, by next year. Go Mavs!

I have officially canceled my subscription to Maxim. What a joke of a magazine. I encourage all of you to do so as well. Just go with Playboy. All we want is to see boobs anyways, right? Why did I cancel my subscription that I have had for 5 years?  In this month’s issue you will see Maxim’s Top 100, and you will know the problems I have. I’ve been a fan for as long as it has been around, and I’ve even disagreed with them. This time, though? This time they’ve gone over the edge. They have placed Lindsay Lohan as #1. Are you freaking kidding me? Sure she looks hot in that photo, but I’m sure it has something to do with it being taken 3 years ago. Hell, Noureen Dewulf, whoever that is at 100, is hotter than Lindsay Lohan. You’re telling me that this is your #1?  Wow, Maxim. You’re stupid. Just stick with my Top 10. Trust me, it’s better.

And what the shit is up with Trilogies? I mean, my god, are they that big of a deal? Let’s do a quick run down, shall we? Shrek 3, Spiderman 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Bourne 3, Ocean’s 13, and the lesser hyped Rush Hour 3. Here’s an idea, come up with a new story. It’s not that hard, really. I mean, at some point you have to make a new movie. I know people are writing novels. Go steal their ideas. Just give us something new to watch. I think we’ve earned that much haven’t we? No? Well, fuck you, too.

GP are you with me? Does anyone remember Kirk Franklin? I used to love Kirk and God’s Property. Unfortunately, Kirk and I had something in common, we both love porn. That’s not unfortunate for me, but for a guy with a Christian gospel group? Yeah, it’s not good. Haven’t heard much from GP since then. You know who else loves porn? Jared from Subway. I know! Check this out. Why is today so much about porn? Well, it’s not to see how many visitors I can get by writing the word porn. What kind of blogger would I be if that were the case? Completely off topic, I hate the Warriors. Now, on to the questions…

Melinda in Belin, Germany – Toph, I live in Germany. So, it’s OK to shit on people during sex where I come from. In fact, it’s encouraged. Would you shit on me?

–Maybe, I mean, I need to see a picture. I’m very choosy about who my turds touch.

Bill in Brooklyn, NY – Toph, How do I get my girl to be cool with having sex while we watch porn? Cause, I mean, I’ve seen her tits and ass a bunch of times… so it would be nice see some new boobies while we’re doing the bang bang.

–I just want Bang Bang Bang. Bill, there are a couple of ways to introduce porn into your relationship, and I’ll break them down for you. I love breaking things down, and today is no different. A popular way is to just flip through the channels, arrive at porn on HBO (softcore, but we’ll get to that), get a boner, and look at the lady and make it happen. Then, once she settles with the softcore, you’re money after that. Another angle is to let her walk in while making yourself happen, and see how she reacts. Most girls, if they have any dignity, will finish the job. My favorite is starting her out on tape, then allowing the natural progression of sex happen. She’ll start to come through in the clutch, plus you’ll see just how freaky your chick really is. And trust me, Bill. You’re chick is really freaky.

Bob in Perth, Australia – Toph, some of the people I work with are real dicks. I want to quit my job and/or kill them – What should I do?

–Go with your head, Bob. I wouldn’t quit your job or kill them, though. I would slowly break each one down one by one. Get into their heads, and psych them out. Steal stuff from them, call in sick on their behalf, and sleep with their wives. I believe in you, Bob.

Ray in Somewhere, Hawaii – Hey Toph, now that I live in the land of hot, tan ladies, and I don’t even have a job, what should I do? I mean my lady works and takes care of me…so I’m bored. Help me?

–It’s all going to start in here. I’m pointing to my heart, Ray. There are tons of fun, yet educational activities to stimulate your happy factor. I’m leaving out the obvious, of course. I once knew a guy who reinvented the wheel. Maybe you should try to reinvent something. Here’s a list of things you could reinvent: Cheetos, the telephone, Jenga, chafing, and how about rap music. That should hold you over for a while.

Rebecca in Denver, CO. – Hey Toph, is Lost really about purgatory?

– At this point, who the hell knows? This was one of my, and many others, predictions early on. I had abandoned that theory by the time I learned that there was a submarine that took people back and forth from life and the island. Now, with that said, we saw Juliet arrive on the island. She was not dead, and it’s going to be a stretch to get me to believe she somehow died on her way to the island. Last week, we even saw when Ben arrived on the island. How crazy was last week? Seeing him kill all the Darma people was nuts. Ben freaks me out. What was with that Jacob stuff? Some say that Jack is Jacob. After Jacob was reviled last week, we see that it can’t be Jack who is Jacob. However, now people are saying it could be Jack’s Dad. Check the slowed down video. This might further the idea of purgatory, because then you’ve seen the return of Jack and Locke’s fathers. What I do wonder is that we’ve seen people die on the island, have we not? Now, when the chick fell from the skies, the Purgatory theory was again evaluated. I mean, she said that they found the plane they crashed in, and there are no survivors. The only problem I have with this theory is where are all the survivors? Did they immediately go to Heaven or Hell? Basically, I freaking love Lost, and I’m sorry if people don’t.

I love you. Toph.

Snappinin, my loves? Let’s get dirty, shall we? Today is a beautiful 70 degree day here in San Francisco, and I feel alive. It’s the kind day where you want to answer a question with, “Up your butt and around the corner.” Try it! When your boss comes up to you today and says, “Mary, where are your TPS reports?” You tell him, “I’m sorry, sir, but I could have sworn I put those up your butt and around the corner.” I think today should be 80’s day. There are some things that I miss, and what to bring back. First off, I’m putting Tetherball in the office. I was boss at Tetherball. When I feel totally awesome, I’ll scream out cowabunga! More importantly, I’m going to make sure everyone has a coodie shot today. Psych!

Paul in Kansas City, MO – Toph, where did The Old 97’s go?

– Up your butt and around the corner. SCORE! Actually, I’m not sure where they are. I know Rhett put out his solo album, The Instigator, but other than that I’m not sure. Let me check their site. Wow! Thanks for question. Here’s a quote from Rhett, written today, “Two last things: Who’s in a Dallas studio next week, laying down demos for their new album? Uh-huh. ” You can read more by clicking HERE. I can’t wait for the new CD. I’m a big Old 97’s fan. You should be too.

Jess in Philadelphia, Penn – Love the site Toph!!! ~

– Yeah, it pretty much gives me boners, too.

Stacy in Tallahassee, FL – Hey Toph, what are you doing?

– Not much. I’m actually sitting here at work, doing an Ask Toph. I was also reading an article printed about my friend Beau. It’s pretty cool. I have smart friends. Check it out HERE, and make sure to use his site which can be found HERE. Other than that, I’m gearing up for the Mavs game tonight. Game 3 here in the Bay Area. We say Bay Area when we don’t want to admit something is in Oakland. See, I’m sorting this place out.

Brad in San Diego, CA – Seriously, how do you find time for all of this?

– Listen, Brad. I just make it happen. It’s all you can do, you know. I wake up every morning and look in the mirror. I says, “Toph, make shit happen.” Then, I go out and I make shit happen. Is it a curse or a blessing? It’s neither. It’s something I have accepted and continue to believe in. It started at a young age, too. I believe I was 5 when I first made it happen. Superman has his role, and I have mine. I just do a better job of it.

Tom in Fort Myers, FL – Toph, where do all these chicks come from in your blogs?

– Some of them I know, and some of them I borrow and give credit where it’s due. Just know, that I have or will sleep with them.

Erika in Chapel Hill, NC – So, the big day’s coming soon… nervous?

– Not all. I am pretty pumped about it. I’ve mastered everything I’ve ever touched, so this won’t be too hard. A lot of my readers think this marriage is a joke, or some publicity stunt, and I want to assure you it’s not. Come July The Toph will be married. I better be at least, I dropped a shit load on the honeymoon. Speaking of which, we’re going HERE. My little foreigner had no idea the level of awesome she was getting herself into. I expect wedding presents, too.

Ashley in Charlotte, NC – Hey, Toph!!! Why no American Idol review this week? What else can we expect from this?

– Sorry about that, Ash. I was actually at a conference this week, and couldn’t catch up. Besides, no one was voted off. I’ll be sure to be back with one next week.

You can expect a lot more. I just added a possible weekly, or bi-weekly music portion of the blog, that should make people happy. Other than that, same ol’ Toph. Oh, and be sure to check out my friend Bob’s new blog HERE. He’s going to get deep on your asses. Lastly if you don’t know already, download a feeder and subscribe to my blog. I recommend Vienna, it’s what I use, and it works great. When you download it, be sure to click that little guy in your url bar, and you’ll always be in the know.

Alright… back to work. GO MAVS!!!!

I thought, since I have picked up so many new readers, I should give you the Best of Ask Toph. It’s nothing much really, just a little insider to what you have been missing for the past 4 years. Here you go…

Steve in Seattle, WA – Hey Toph, there’s this chick in my speech class and I have to get her notice me. I want to make the sex with her and I may even stay to cuddle. Please help.

- Steve, I would just make an awesome speech about flowers. Chicks love flower speeches. Make sure you talk about how you stole flowers from a neighbor’s garden and how lovely it was. Then, after scoring a righteous A on the speech, sit down and tell her the story was about the neighbor’s daughter. No doubt she’ll ask you to start making babies immediately. Take it slow, Steve. There’s really no reason you can’t start making gravy noodles immediately.

Anonymous in Cleveland, OH – Man, I have been prematurely ejaculating. It happens all the time, dude. The other night I was with a lady and I saw a magazine with the chick from Soprano’s on it and I started making gravy. That chick was pissed, seriously. It’s not just that though, it happens all the time. What do I do?

- First thing, Anon, is not to panic. I make gravy every time I see Meadow Soprano. Did you play a sport growing up? Here’s what I do when entertaining a lady. First, I make shrimp and grits 3 times before she comes over. That way I can last a while when it’s time to eat. Then, while eating the main course, I think about what it was like when I used to play First Base. I start with the first inning and work my way through 9 innings. If your lady is still breathing at the bottom of the ninth, then maybe you can take it extra innings.

Sarah in Pittsburg, PA – Toph, what’s the first thing you notice on a girl?

– Her naked. Most guys will say they notice a girl’s eyes, their hair, or their smile. Most immature guys will say they notice a girl’s tits, ass and legs. But a gentleman doesn’t notice anything on a women until she is completely naked in front of him. Then we will decide if we like it when she is on top of us. If we don’t, we’ll finish and never talk to you again. If we do, then we’ll go on that first date you’ve been waiting for. By the way, Sarah, thanks for sending those naked pics.

Jill in Mystic, CT – It’s a cold winter, Toph. What are some ways to keep warm during these harsh winters?

– Lots of finger banging and blankets.

Everyman in Everywhere, USA – Toph, what happens when your girlfriend starts to suck?

- Break up with her. There comes a time in every man’s life when he must make a decision to leave a lady or stay with her. Now, it could easily happen when you decide that, “Shit, I’m 25. If I get rid of this bitch, then I could live the dream. I make plenty of money, I could get a sweet place of my own, put in a foosball table and a flat screen, and fuck bitches all night. I could be invincible.” But, listen, you are not me, so you might want to rethink it. She cooks for you. You’re almost guaranteed sex when she’s not pissed at you. She’ll show up to events with you, and she won’t complain all the time. I mean sure, sometimes when you’re at an amazing party she’ll get a headache and ruin your fun. Or, if you want steak, she’ll want a salad. Of course, that makes you look like a fat ass. You can go a head and count on her not laughing at your jokes, and making you feel like shit on a daily basis. She will also hate you looking at porn, watching football, well, every sport, and sitting around in your boxers and socks scratching your balls. She doesn’t like that. Also, go ahead and tell your friends goodbye, unless they’re in a relationship with a girl she likes, because you won’t get to see them ever again. She won’t tolerate the friend whose with a different chick every time either.
WHOA!!! Dump her and make noodles with every lady you see!!!

Diane in Jackson, MS – Toph, I was thinking of killing myself. Should I?

- Eh… it’s definitely something to think about. You’re kinda hot, so I don’t know. I’m so indecisive when it comes to saving other people’s lives. Okay, if you’re not planning on changing anything, then go ahead and kill yourself. Here’s why. You’re very kind of hot. You confuse me with the kind-of-hotness factor. Whenever I am confused with the kind-of-hotness factor, that I will do you and that’s it. Everyone feels that way, but most won’t admit it. So, you’re going to have to step it up if you want me to tell you to live. First off, move out of Mississippi, and join a gym. I want tight abs, a tight ass, and your boobs are great as is. Go to a salon and fix your hair. Then, get your nails done. Get your eyebrows waxed, and maybe go ahead and get your lip waxed. Laser surgery your underarms, and go ahead and get you vag lasered, too. Listen, I shouldn’t have to tell you what I want to fuck. Pick up a Maxim and start emulating. You think we have unrealistic expectations? We don’t, they’re very realistic. Look at the magazines. Women like that do exist, and you can be one. You think the Hometown Hotties aren’t real? Step it up. Wear nice thongs, a skirt, and a sexy little shirt and we’re in business.

Lucy in Miami, OH – Toph, I have an STD and can’t get rid of it. I promised myself I’d never be a statistic, what do I do?

- Lucy, it’s too late, you are now a statistic. But, there is no reason that you can’t be the #1 statistic. Here’s how, sleep with as many Ohio boys as possible. Then, there will be a new stat that comes out. It will be: Number of boys with Lucy’s STD. Don’t be a statistic, be the statistic.

Tank in Des Moines, IA – Toph, I have bit of a problem. Whenever I finish having sex with a lady, I don’t know what to do. Please help.

- Tank, this is a great question. If (and let’s hope, Tank) you are wearing a condom, make her take it off with her teeth, and eat it. I have heard that it can be a yummy snack. You can say clever things like, “remember that door you came in through, find it”. Or you can do my personal favorite, which is, get up, grab a towel, throw it at her and say, “Clean it”. Chicks dig that, Tank, they do indeed.

Chuck in Dallas, TX – Toph, I bought a nice pair of brown leather pants, and I love them. But, for some reason I have been getting weird looks from men, and some slaps on the ass, too. Is it because of the pants?

- Chuck, I want you to know that I put forth a lot of effort in answering these questions, and really do want to help. With that said, I went and bought a pair of brown leather pants as research for your question. I put on my pants this morning and wore them to work. On my way in a group of construction guys whooped and hollered as I came in. After I arrived I was greeted with butt slaps and strange smiles. It was nice, but it was definitely the pants. Get rid of them. I’m keeping mine though… for research…

Phil in Charlotte, NC – Toph, I hate you.

- Phil, I am sorry. I understand it, though. You probably hate me because I am completely awesome. Yes, I have a website that is blowing up called TheToph.com, a clothing line that is being worn by Rachel Bilson and all of her hot friends called Toph T’s, and I have sex with multiple partners a week, each one hotter than the other. I understand it Phil, and I don’t blame you. Here’s my advice. Shades in rotation. It’ll help you. When I was a child, I was a bit nerdy, until I came upon my first pair of sunglasses. At that moment, my life became clear. I grew a mustache and started kicking ass. I was 8, Phil. Do you know what an 8 year with a ’stache and sunglasses looks like? Badass. That’s what. Get you’re shit together, Phil. It’s about time you did so…

(From Ask Toph I) – From Micheal in Baltimore, MD – “Toph, I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. What do I do?”

- Well, Mike, do you mind if I call you Mike, the best thing to do is start cheating on her. Make sure you are having the sex at your place and invite her over. When she sees you churning the butter with the other girl her reaction will tell you all you need to know. If she’s like, “eh, what can you do.” Then, chances are she is cheating. If she says, “you asshole”, and shoots the girl, she probably wasn’t cheating. You never know, you might get real lucky and she’ll join you.

Chicks I’m sleeping with: Lebanese | Half Asian both are so good.

What Been Listening to Since Ask Toph I – Ben Folds | Greg Laswell | Razorlight | She Wants Revenge | The 88 | The Bens | Lilly Allen | Gym Class Heroes | Social Distortion | Ludacris | James Brown | 8mm | Fallout Boy | Kanye | Group X | Toadies | Citizen Cope | Supergrass | Jack’s Mannequin | Bea | Electric President | Jackopierce | matt pond PA | OAR | Vanishing Kids | Gnarls Barkley | Ben Lee | Beatles | Weezer | The Toadies

Skillets of the week – April Scott – Who is she? She is some hot chick in the straight to DVD Dukes of Hazzard – Kate Beckinsale. Where has she been lately? I miss her. – Maria Sharapova – She was just named top seed at the Australian Open. She’s top seed in my heart. – The incomparable Raven Riley (Why wouldn’t I start with her?)

Somehow, Glamour magazine gets delivered to my door every month. I’m not sure how, but I think it has something to do La Diabla (how’s that Jon?) trying to understand the American ways. There was a top 10 poll recently on the Sexiest Bodies in the World. I couldn’t help but to think it was completely wrong. They must have surveyed all chicks, or people from 5 years ago. I showed it to my friend, Christian, and he laughed in its face. He then set it on fire, and started cursing the skies. It was fucked up, but warranted. It’s time to update it. First, I’ll give you the Glamour list, and then I’ll give you Christian and I’s conversation.

Worst List Ever

1. Scarlett Johansson
2. Jessica Alba
3. Gisele Bundchen
4. Jennifer Aniston
5. Angelina Jolie
6. Mischa Barton
7. Rachel Bilson
8. Beyonce
9. Jennifer Lopez
10. Kelly Brook

Here we go…

10. April Scott
9. Eva Longoria
8. Kate Beckinsale
7. Elisha Cuthbert
6. Vanessa Marcil
5. Evangeline Lilly
4. Halle Berry
3. Adriana Lima
2. Rachel Bilson
1. Marisa Miller

And here’s how we came about the decisions…

Toph
11:05
Hey
Where you at?

Christian
11:06
I’m here

Toph
11:06
Sweet… okay. Let’s start at number 10.
We’re excluding porn chicks, by the way…
no raven or kate… it’s just not fair

Christian
11:07
true
Ok.
Number ten…

Toph
11:08
April Scott is amazing

Christian
11:09
Not famous enough
Don’t even know who she is

Toph
11:09
do they have to be famous? you didn’t know kelly brook… it’s hottest body in the world competition.

Christian
11:09
oh…right
How about Biel?

Toph
11:10
she’s awfully manish… but she is tight

Christian
11:10
Her shit is really tight

Toph
11:11
Okay… we’ll pencil her in for 10

Christian
11:12
Vanessa Marcil might be good on the lower half, too

Toph
11:12
Yeah, but 9 is kind of mean, isn’t it?

Christian
11:12
is it?

Toph
11:12
I was looking at Eva

Christian
11:13
I like that pic

Toph
11:13
which one?

Christian
11:14
I meant “pick” not “pic”

Toph
11:14
oh… eva it is
Alright… number 8
you know whose body is amazing… kate beckinsale… plus, she’s british
makes it “worldy”

Christian
11:15
ehhhhh

Toph
11:15
she was the vampire chick…

Christian
11:16
Ok..that picture works for me

Toph
11:16
hahaha…
moving on to #7

Christian
11:18
#7
Halle Berry needs to be in here somewhere

Toph
11:18
as number 7?

Christian
11:18
Well, you’re saving all these top spots…and we’re going to run out of places

Toph
11:19
we have lima, miller, bilson, ambrosio… we have room
even jenn sterger from SI

Christian
11:20
I don’t like Ambrosio

Toph
11:20
jessica alba

Christian
11:20
She’s number 11

Toph
11:20
hahaha
hottest bodies!

Christian
11:20
aka….not on the list

Toph
11:20
sophia bush

Christian
11:21
what about dudes?!?!?!

Toph
11:20
you’re killing me…

Christian
11:22
Doesn’t Alyssa Milano make it in?

Toph
11:22
we’ll see… it’s lunch time.

Christian
2:44
sup
so, funny you bastards walked by when you did

Toph
2:44
yeah?
where were you going?

Christian
2:45
interview

Toph
2:45
with wells fargo?

Christian
2:45
I was on a phone interview, going to another interview
yahoo again

Toph
2:45
i’m glad we walked by calling you a fucker. must have been sweet for the interview.

Christian
2:46
i know, thanks for that.
And I wanted to stop and chat with you and then all of a sudden I remember that I was listening to someone talk on the phone who I was supposed to be interviewing with

Toph
2:47
i kept telling them that i thought you were on a phone interview…

Christian
2:47
i totally was

Toph
2:47
sweet… we sound like fucking girls… Let’s finish the list…
where were we?

Christian
2:48
7

Toph
2:48
okay…
10. jessica beil
9. eva longoria
8. kate beckinsale

Christian
2:49
who is growing on me, by the way

Toph
2:49
she’s really hot
did you see click?

Christian
2:50
yup

Toph
2:50
she was so hot in that

Christian
2:50
yes she was
Anywho
Elisha Cuthbert?

Toph
2:52
so, for 7, i’m looking at X-tina, Milano…
but, she’s good

Christian
2:52
Milano/Xtina is good
Not sure which
Milano might be getting old, though I hate to say it
But Xtina’s kind of gross looking sometimes

Toph
2:52
yeah… and her stomach looked off in that bikini photo
she is…
i’m thinking we go with cuthbert

Christian
2:53
done
Plus, she’s banging a hockey player…that puck-fucker’s gotta keep her in shape

Toph
2:53
it’s true… even without teeth
and that scene from old school… so good

Christian
2:53
precisely… i got boners

Christian
2:53
#6
Jaime Pressly?

Toph
2:54
for number 6?

Christian
2:54
Or can we not do her because she’s preggers

Toph
2:54
you don’t want her #1 then?

Christian
2:54
no way, Jose
She’s not #1

Toph
2:54
even if she’s preggers?

Christian
2:55
That’s personal preference. I’m trying to be objective

Toph
2:55
Right…

Christian
2:55
Can Simpson be on the list, based on tits alone?

Toph
2:55
maybe… she’s gotten fat since john mayer.
we could go with vanessa marcil or penelope cruz…

Christian
2:56
No Penelope
She’s too on and off again

Toph
2:56
fine

Christian
2:56
Marcil it is

Toph
2:56
and her name sucks
penelope?
that’s just stupid

Christian
2:56
Maybe not…
Don’t you think it would be fun to say you were banging a chick named Penelope in real life?

Toph
2:57
not penelope ann miller

Christian
2:57
Toph, I’m fucking this incredibly hot chick right now
Oh yeah?
Yeah- get this- her name’s PENELOPE
that shit’s hot

Toph
2:57
Penelope ann miller?

Christian
2:57
Ann Miller is a hot name, too

Toph
2:57
she was amazing in kindergarden cop

Christian
2:57
So was Arnold
Can he be #1?

Toph
2:58
the phamp video alone
i mean, shit

Christian
2:58
That would be really funny if he was our number one
3. Adriana Lima
2. Marissa miller
1. THE GOVERNATOR?

Toph
2:58
ummm…
let’s get through 5

Christian
2:59
ok
sorry

Toph
2:59
we’ll see…

Christian
2:59
So 6…Vanessa
5?

Toph
2:59
right

Christian
2:59
Halle Berry?

Toph
2:59
thinking….
yes
google that
3:00

Toph
3:00
did you see her in boomerang?
so good

Christian
3:01
yeah, man. I love her thighs

Toph
3:02
okay… #4

Christian
3:02
shit
this gets tough

Toph
3:03
yes it does…

Christian
3:03
Marissa/Lima/ who else is in the running for tops?

Toph
3:04
lima, miller, alba, aniston

Christian
3:04
Aniston doesn’t get it

Toph
3:04
not even with her nips?

Christian
3:04
I don’t think her shit’s that tight anymore
I’ve never seen her nips

Toph
3:05
not even in every friends episode?

Christian
3:05
I just saw the roundness of her nobs…never the actual nip presentation

Toph
3:05
demoted!!! she’s out
i think jenn sterger should be in here

Christian
3:06
I can’t get with you on the Sterger thing
What about Scarlett?

Toph
3:06
she’s just boobs

Christian
3:06
the problem with that is?

Toph
3:06
it’s hottest body…
head to toe

Christian
3:07
I can’t do it
Sterger just isn’t there

Toph
3:07
okay
jessica alba?

Christian
3:07
Bruce says he would jam her hard

Toph
3:07
which one?

Christian
3:07
Alba

Toph
3:07
who wouldn’t bruce jam hard?

Christian
3:08
he likes that one

Toph
3:08
alba as 4?

Christian
3:08
ok
She’s gone flat though

Toph
3:09
flat?

Christian
3:09
She’s losing her edge
She used to be so voloptuous
now she’s tapering off

Toph
3:09
have you seen the trailer from her new movie?
you hate evangeline lilly don’t you?

Christian
3:11
Bruce just mentioned her

Toph
3:12
i’m sold her for the 4 spot

Christian
3:12
Who’s THAT?

Toph
3:12
evangeline lilly

Christian
3:12
NO!

Toph
3:12
no??

Christian
3:12
It doesn’t even look like her

Toph
3:13
yes it does

Christian
3:13
I’ll go with it
I love her tanned, with wet hair and freckles

Toph
3:13
done
and she canadian… so we’re worldly…
Top 3

Christian
3:14
Raven Riley, Raven Riley, Raven Riley

Toph
3:14
and kate

Christian
3:14
Raven, Kate, Raven and Kate
I say Marissa is 1, Lima is 2, and I don’t know about three

Toph
3:15
lima 3

Christian
3:16
Ok
2?

Toph
3:16
number 2

Christian
3:17
Natalie Imbruglia?

Toph
3:17
Courtney love?

Christian
3:17
Vanessa Rabbit?

Toph
3:18
Jessica Rabbit?

Christian
3:18
fuck
didn’t sound right when it came out
Vanessa Rabbit is her hot cousin

Toph
3:19
with blonde hair?
have you seen Kelly Hu?

Christian
3:19
No

Toph
3:20
no you haven’t seen her… or no!!!

Christian
3:21
You know, I like her
But she doesn’t have the second hottest body in all of the world

Toph
3:21
ummm…
okay

Christian
3:21
Can I vote Toph?

Toph
3:21
it’s a given

Christian
3:22
Roy Hibbert?

Toph
3:22
Imus

Christian
3:22
done

Toph
3:23
Bilson

Christian
3:23
Done
Shit

Toph
3:23
Miller for 1

Christian
3:23
Ok, if Marissa Miller is 1
Can Wes Welker be 1a?

Toph
3:23
in my heart
alright…
let’s double check…
10) Jessica Beil
9) Eva Longoria
Kate Beckinsale
7) Elisha Cuthbert
6) Vanessa Marcil
5) Halle Berry
4) Evangeline Lilly
3) Adriana Lima
2) Rachel Bilson
1) Marisa Miller

i could trade jessica beil for kelly hu
OR…
Jarah Mariano… the new VS model…

Christian
3:28
Halle Berry needs to be above Evangeline
And I’m willing to trade Biel out if you are…for alba or Kelly hu

Toph
3:28
okay…
but…
isn’t jessica alba and eva longoria besically the same person?

Christian
3:29
Not at all
Longoria’s better for my tastes because she’s little

Toph
3:30
let’s go kelly hu then eva

Christian
3:31
deal

Toph
3:31
halle berry at 4? and you said no to this girl? http://www.aprilscott.com/gallery/
are you sure?

Christian
4:31
holy moley
she’s like Josie Maran, but hotter

Toph
4:32
and bigger boobs
and younger

Toph
4:32
i think she should replace cuthbert

Christian
4:34
NO!
I love Elisha

Toph
4:34
she must be on the list

Christian
4:35
11

Toph
4:35
we could bump kelly hu…
that takes out our asian flavor…
which will piss off ray
but he moved to hawaii today, so he gets no say!

Christian
3:33
Do it… I may need some alone time in the bathroom for her. Dear god. Wait, when did the Patriots get Sammy Morris from the dolphins?

Toph
3:34
no idea…
where’d you see that?

Christian
3:35
I’m reading an issue of Sports Illustrated that Dan brought me on my bday
i’m REALLY busy today

Toph
3:35
I see that
have you seen the trailer for the american idol girl sex tape? It’s not safe for work. Maybe not safe for home.

Christian
3:36
YES!
Can’t wait

Toph
3:37
how did she not win?
should she be added as #1

Christian
3:40
She’s an asterisk

Toph
3:40
I love sex tapes so much.

Christian
3:40
I know you do…

Christian
3:55
I feel like there should have been more arguments and jockeying for position

Toph
3:56
we did agree on a lot

Christian
3:56
especially for two kids that have opposite appreciation of women

Toph
3:56
right

Christian
3:56
perhaps we just both appreciate the intrinsic beauty of both

Toph
3:56
that’s what i was hoping for

Christian
3:57
Not bad for the first Tang debate though.

Toph
3:57
i can’t say that i’m not impressed…

Christian
3:57
i want to sex all of them

Toph
3:58
and with time we will…

Christian
3:58
I gotta shit now.

Toph
3:58
wipe hard…

Christian
3:58
we’ll see…

My favorite part was the 3 hour lunch. Anyhow, there you go. That’s how two dudes figure out who has the hottest body in the world. Fuck you, Glamour Magazine.

Am I now a Niners fan? No. Is she hot? Yes. And that’s what I am here to do, bring you hotness, and relieve your Friday work boredoms. Why do we have to work on Friday’s anyway?
I actually have nothing to rant about today. What’s my life coming to? I mean, it’s a beautiful day here in San Francisco. You know what I love about beautiful SF days? Otherwise ugly people start to get hot. It’s usually so cold here that everyone is bundled up all the time. You can only see their bodies when you hit the gym. Believe it or not, I have been going to the gym to both look at the sexy ladies, and lose this belly that’s grown with beer and time. San Francisco, as I’ve said before, is a land of ugly. However, this place is very sexually free, so you start seeing a lot of naked people around this time. You take the good with the bad, naturally, but this city loves to wear skirts. I love chicks that wear skirts. Well, I have one rant. Fucking UNC. Now, on to the questions…

Joe in Bald Knob, AK – How do I attract the ladies?

Hahah… Bald Knob.

Heather in Johnson City, KS – Hey Toph, I’m seriously considering becoming a lesbian. What has happened to the men of the world?

Seriously? What’s up these cities today? So funny. Heather, I’m not sure what’s happening to the men of the world. I would like to chalk it up to trying too hard. I’m actually going to answer both yours and Joe’s question together. In order to attract the ladies you can’t be too aggressive, and above all, you can’t be a douche bag. (I love that douche bag is still in my vernacular.) The more I go out, the more I see it. Why are you people having such a hard time picking up the ladies? It’s the easiest thing in the world. It really is. The hard part is what to do after, but getting them is easy. Please follow these steps, and you should succeed 99.8% of the time.

1. Dress normal. Leave the collar down, iron your shirt, keep the pants balanced between baggy and tight, fix your hair, and brush your teeth. Do not wear a suit (unless you’re at that place). Don’t put too much shit in your hair, and don’t be tanner than she is. Seriously, dude, you look like an idiot.
2. Smile. Don’t be the creepy guy that looks like he is about to rape and kill her. You know what never works? Rape. I have never met a girl who has said to me, “You’re cute, but I really want you to rape me.” You know why? Because, chicks don’t like it. Stop doing that look. Smile and be friendly.
3. Look at her, it helps, and not just her tits. (But you should know what her body looks like)
4. Listen to her. I’ve said these things so many times, and it seems like no one listens to me! I know you don’t give a shit about her hopes and dreams. I know you don’t give a shit that her boyfriend left her for another chick. No one cares, trust me, but you have to seem like you do care. Don’t sit and wait for your turn to talk. It gets you no where. Although, I’ve meet a couple of chicks who won’t shut the hell up, and don’t allow me to talk. Avoid them, because they never change. I’ve known a couple of chicks for a few years now, and I think I have said 5 words to them. The worst part is, I couldn’t care less what they’re saying me. I will never want, nor need to sex these chicks. They probably won’t shut up while we’re doing it.
5. Don’t buy her drinks. You can buy her one, but that’s it. Why? You don’t want sloppy sex. Guys who say they do want sloppy sex, suck in bed, and that’s the only they can get the chicks to enjoy it. It really sucks for them. Plus, you become her meal ticket, and do you want that? I know you have money, but there’s no reason she needs to know it.
Now, Heather, the reason you want to be lesbian is because there’s a terrible trend of overall douchiness happening with my fellow dudes. I’m trying to fix it. Spend a night with, and I’ll change your mind. I’m in the book, under Toph. No last name.

Sanjaya – Hollywood, CA – Toph, I just want to say you’re brilliant. I asked you how I could survive on AI, and what you said worked. You are a true master of the world.

I held up my end of the deal, now, bring me your sister. Seriously, or you’re gone next week.

Ray in SF, CA – Are you sure don’t want to go back to Dallas? I mean, look at this.

My mom asked to stop using this language, but… Fuck! Maybe I do…

Phil in Dallas – Toph, please explain, if you can. You lived in Dallas, and the Mavs, Rangers, Cowboys, and Stars sucked. You move and the Mavs have the best record in the league, the Cowboys made the playoffs, the Stars have clinched the playoffs, and Rangers are looking to make the playoffs. The Mavs visit Golden State, where you live now, you go to the games, and they lose. And, UNT makes the NCAA tournament. Please, explain.

Win one for the Toph? Listen, Phil, I can’t explain it. The only difference is I live here and not there. I mean, I watch every game still, and I go to them when they are here. One of the hardest things to do is be a transplant fan. Do you know how many times I have to open up my wallet to prove I’m not on a glorified all-Dallas bandwagoner? I get called out in every bar, and at every game. It’s the reason I won’t get a California drivers license. (Well, that and the fact my license is suspended due to too many unpaid Dallas speeding tickets.) You have no clue what it’s like having to prove you’re a fan. So, you know what Phil, suck it. Suck it hard. Please remember, while I live in Dallas the Stars won a Cup, the Cowboys won 3 championships, the Horns won the National Championship in Football and Baseball, and the Texas Wesleyan Rams won the NAIA National Basketball Championship, plus numerous Table Tennis titles. I can’t believe I just said that.

Charlotte in Syracuse, NY – I love you, Toph.

I love you too, Dumplins.

(Toph’s note: There will be a Toph’s Sextionary coming soon. It’s in development. Also, the Toph Blog may be moving over to Blogger or something. If you care, or don’t want it to, say something. If you don’t give a shit, say nothing. But know this, I hate you.)

What I’m Watching – Not a damn thing while I anticipate the new shows next week.
What I am Listening to – Ben Folds | Gym Class Heroes | Lily Allen | Greg Laswell | Razorlight | She Wants Revenge

Skillet of the Week – April Scott – Who is she? She is some hot chick in the straight to DVD Dukes of Hazzard.

Late.

Howdy! As you can see, I have the Texas blues. It’s okay, guys, it happens. I’ll be okay. Let me just say, thank you all. Every time I login to myspace, my inbox is over flowing with Ask Toph questions. I can’t believe how big this has gotten, nor can I believe how fucked up ya’ll are. It really is amazing the kind of advice you guys are seeking. Actually, I can sum up most of it by saying get a shot of penicillin. With that said, let’s get right to it…

Amy in Pembroke Pines, FL. – So, the O.C. has been canceled. Where do you rank it with past teen dramas?

Actually, surprisingly high, and I have reasons, in which I will explain. Obviously, 90210 and Melrose are the North Carolina and Duke of teen dramas. Fittingly, they are what great teen dramas should be compared to. They were two great dramas that battled it out, and lasted for years. Some might say, too long. Why does OC rank so high? It’s simple. It’s because The OC got out at the perfect time. They were starting to fall out of the ratings ranks, with the loss of Misha Barton, and they had to fold. Sure, it was fine when OC was matched up against Laguna Beach and The Hills, who are really just a Middle Tennessee wanna-be, you know? The OC is like what Florida was last year, and for the most of this year. They are an amazing team, but when compares to the emergence of Grey’s, Lost, Housewives, and Heroes, there’s no competition. Those dramas are more mature than OC. Durant, Oden, Law IV, and Wright are the new drama’s that will beat Florida. I have been reading way too much Sports Guy. Agreed?

Jon in Alpine, Utah – Sup, Toph? Dude, I saw that you went boarding. Did you shred the nar? Fuck Yeah. Was that your first time? Aight, I have a question. Considering that you have lived in SF, Dallas, New York, and been to Tahoe, Miami, and shit like that, where would you say the hottest chicks are? Word.

God, you know, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this for a while now. There is going to have to be some parameters set-up that make this fair for everyone involved. Or, better yet, two types of judging. The first set is naturalized hotties. Meaning, it matters not where they live, but where they’re from. The other, obviously, is who has the hottest women period. Here’s why. Let’s look at people born and raised in New York. The ugly outweighs the hot 15 to 1. (Note: we’re sticking with 20 – 30 year olds) Now, factor in the amount of transplants that move to New York and it’s more like 15 to 10. That’s a huge difference. Could you imagine what LA would look like if it wasn’t filled with transplants? I won’t even try! I will toss out Miami, because it’s too Latina focused, and while I love that, it doesn’t have enough variety. I will also toss out Tahoe and every other place in Florida, because I don’t want to the fooled by vacation spots. LA will be tossed out for obvious reasons, and that will leave Texas (I’ve looped in Dallas, Austin and San Antonio because those are the hottest cities in Texas and all together they have the size they need.) As far as naturally born and bred, Texas wins, just barely beating out Arizona. There are so many hot chicks from Arizona. I don’t get it, but they don’t top Texas. Not yet, at least. Now, when you factor in transplants, I have to go with New York. There are so many hot chicks walking around, who live there, but aren’t from there. They have a dream, and it was my job to make sure their dreams of sleeping with a random guy who was gone the next morning was filled. Ugliest city? I live in it.

Steve in Jefferson, NH – Toph, I am going to college, and will be on my own for the first time ever. GO AUBURN! Anyhow, I’ve never washed my clothes and shit, and I am worried. What does “Wash with like colors” mean? How they hell do I find like colors with a blue, yellow, and white button up shirt? Help, dude. Kegs to you, bro.

How the fuck should I know? So, I consulted president of Tide laundry detergent, (who’s name isn’t worth mentioning, because he’s not paying me to promote them) who states, “How the fuck should I know? You think I do my laundry, idiot?” So, no one knows, Steve. Good luck with that.

Mary in Richmond, VA – Toph, how’s the mail-order engagement going? I hate that you’re engaged! I wanted to do you so hard!!!!lol ~

Mary, never give up your dreams. I’ll buy the ticket. Luckily, she doesn’t understand much of what’s going on right now. Although, lucky for us, it’s going surprisingly well. I am teaching English, and our customs. She makes a mean steak, and sucks a mean… what? She loves to go shopping. It’s so funny, too, because I gave her a fake credit card and told her to go buy whatever she wanted. HAHA. i had to bail her out of jail 30 minutes later. It was really great, because no one could understand her!!! She’s fantastic in bed, and let’s me do whatever I want, when ever I want. She looks amazing in everything she wears, because she’s Brazilian and they look hot. She’s real sweet, and nice to all my friends. I couldn’t be happier right now. I can’t wait to marry Toph Girl. We’re going to do it a lot. Getting a mail order bride was the best idea. Ray liked it so much, he went 2 weeks ago to get one for himself. His is Chinese, though. You will not be seeing any pictures of mine, because as I said, I am keeping her anonymity.

I’m done here, as I must run home and make sweet jungle love to my mail-order Toph Girl.

What I’m watching: Monday – Heroes | Tuesday – Gilmore Girls, Boston Legal | Wednesday – Lost, Jericho | Thursday – Earl, The Office, 30 Rock, Scrubs | Friday – Ghost Whisperer, Las Vegas

What I’m listening to: The 88 | The Bens | Lilly Allen | Gym Class Heroes | Greg Laswell

Skillet of the Week – Kate Beckinsale. Where has she been lately? I miss her. Best Kate Quote – “A friend made me wear this top for an interview. I had one tit entirely hanging out in front of this Japanese man. I think I really scared him. He was fumbling around and couldn’t get his tape recorder to work.” I wish I was a Japanese man.

Dear god it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Have you all missed me? Well, fuck you, too. I’m going to go right into my rants and things I hate, and get right to the questions. There are so many that who knows if I will find the time to get to them all. By the by, thank you guys for keeping the questions pouring in. I’m starting to get a lot of questions that have already been answered, whether it’s your lack of creativity or something else, but please check past ask toph’s to see if you already have an answer. Just subscribe and you’ll get the whole list of the blogs.

OH! Real quick, the Laces Out Romo shirts. I’m sorry you all missed out. Some of you got your orders in, but some of you waited too long. Romo’s agent email Ray and told him that he couldn’t keep our shirts up or he would sue us for using the copy written name. So, we were forced to take them down. I apologize to those who didn’t get one, but you can always get a nice skillet, kitchens, or gravy noodles shirt for yourself. Word.

Now, what about things I hate? Oh, yeah, I get to tell you about them. Asians. I don’t hate asians, in fact, I love them. They’re great for sexin’, massages, and cooking, but they hit an age when all that goes away. I’m not sure what age that is, but it happens somewhere between being hot and going to Chinatown everyday. The older Asian ladies are possibly the most evil people alive. They spit, push, hit and do everything else possible to get you out of the way. For instance, one morning on the 1 California (the new bus I take for my new job) I was seated calmly, listening to my iPod, minding my own business. That’s when this little old Chinese lady came and stood in front in front of me. I didn’t get up for her, because I don’t have to get up for her. The first six seats are for old people, handicap, and homeless people, not the back. She spit at my feet, cussed me, and possibly put a curse on me. I don’t know, I don’t speak Chinese. Anyhow, the older Asian ladies, for the most part, look like they are 20 years past their death days. The younger Asians look amazingly hot, and young. So, at what point does this change? When they hit 50 do they expire? Is this what happens when you look hot all your life? Why can’t they just look hot forever? WHY?!?

Paul in St. Petersburg, FL. – Hey, Toph. So, I feel weird for asking this, but how do I make man-friends? I’m not gay or nothing, I just don’t have any friends. I need help.

Congratulations on coming out. This is supposed to be a big day for you, isn’t it? I mean, shouldn’t you have some sort of a parade? Some people think that I, being the ladies sexer that I am, think you people should be treated like the paper I wipe my ass with. Well guess what. I don’t. I think you should be embraced by the gay community. Typically, gays workout a lot. They are sensitive, and they love to go shopping. All things that I hate doing. So, if you’re gay, then I can pawn the chick off on you. Thanks for being a gay-bo.

Raymond in O.C. CA – Toph, where has Lost been? When does it come back?

Sup, Ray… mond. Lost has gone through what people call sweeps. Basically, sweeps set the advertising cost for each major TV station (ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX). If I recall the number 1 through 4 went, CBS, ABC, NBC and Fox was a distant last. But, I could be wrong. All shows go through 2 seasons within a season. You get the season premier, shows, season finale, then a break, and then they come back with the same thing. Lost is on a high pedestal and they pretty much do whatever they want, and that’s the reason they aren’t coming back till February. However, we get like 16 new episodes in a row when they do come back, and that might be a first for Lost.
While I’m on the subject of TV, I will keep it going for a bit longer. First of, Rachel Bilson and Adam Brody have broken up. That means, I have a chance. She was seen getting her stuff from his place. I was seen behind the bushes. TV will mourn now that the OC has been canceled. Sorry, Raymond, but that’s about your city. Black Groundhog’s Day, otherwise known as Taye Diggs in Black Groundhog’s Day was canceled. Amazing, Big Day, is still going. Marla Sokolof is hot, so you should watch. NBC is kicking my ass. Thursday night is amazing. Watch it. Earl, The Office, Scrubs, 30 Rock… BRILLIANT! Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have broken up, too. Apparently, he’s trying to hook up with Scarlett Johansson. I’ve killed for less than that. And, you thought ‘06 was the year of K-Fed? Just wait for the amazing stories you’ll hear this year. Apparently, he tried to return $15K worth of clothes Brit bought him. Hilarious. He was denied. Beckham is now with the L.A. Galaxy and surprisingly no one in America cares about soccer.

Diane in Jackson, MS – Toph, I was thinking of killing myself. Should I?

Eh… it’s definitely something to think about. You’re kinda hot, so I don’t know. I’m so indecisive when it comes to saving other people’s lives. Okay, if you’re not planning on changing anything, then go ahead and kill yourself. Here’s why. You’re very kind of hot. You confuse me with the kind of hotness factor. I know that whenever i am confused with the kind of hotness factor, that I will do you and that’s it. That’s how we all feel. So, you’re going to have to step it up if you want me to tell you to live. First off, move out of Mississippi, and work out. I want tight abs, a tight ass, and your boobs are great. Go to a salon and fix your hair. Then, get your nails done. Get your eyebrows waxed, and maybe go ahead and get your lip waxed. Laser surgery your underarms, and go ahead and get you vag lasered, too. Listen, I shouldn’t have to tell you what I want to fuck. Pick up a Maxim and start emulating. You think we have unrealistic expectations? We don’t, they’re very realistic. Look at the magazines. Women like that do exist, and you can be one. You think the Hometown Hotties aren’t real? Step it up. Wear nice thongs, a skirt, and a sexy little shirt and we’re in business.

Everyman in Everywhere, USA – Toph, what happens when your girlfriend starts to suck?

Break up with her. There comes a time in every man’s life when he must make a decision to keep a lady or stay with her. Now, it could easily happen when you decide that, “Shit, I’m 25. If I get rid of this bitch then I could live the dream. I make plenty of money to where I could get a sweet place of my own, put in a pool table and a flat screen, and fuck bitches all night. I could be invincible.” But, listen, no one is me. You might want to rethink it. She cooks for you, you’re almost guaranteed sex when she’s not pissed at you. She’ll show up to events with you, and she won’t complain all the time. I mean sure, sometimes when you’re at am amazing party she’ll get a headache and ruin your fun. Or, if you want steak, she’ll want a salad. Of course, that makes you look like a fat ass. You can go a head and count on her not laughing at your jokes, and making you feel like shit on a daily basis. She will also hate you looking at porn, watching football, well, every sport, and sitting around in your boxers and socks scratching your balls. She doesn’t like that. Also, go ahead and tell your friends goodbye. Unless they’re in a relationship with a girl she likes, then you won’t get to see them ever again. She won’t tolerate the friend who’s with a different chick every time either.
WHOA!!! Dump her and fuck every lady you see!!!

What I am watching – Football Playoffs | Gray’s Anatomy | Earl | The Office | Scrubs | 30 Rock

What’s Playing on my iPod – Social Distortion | Ludacris | James Brown | 8mm

Skillet of the week – Maria Sharapova – She was just named top seed at the Australian Open. She’s top seed in my heart.

2006 was crazy. What more can I say? It started off in a large cozy apartment in Dallas. I was working for the Dallas Morning News, and sexing the ladies as much as possible. It’s going to end in a tiny apartment in San Francisco, working for the San Francisco Chronicle, sexing as many ladies as I can. Some thing’s don’t change. The job has again, as the new year will bring a new job for Relevant Searches working with Ray, Beau and Blake. Here’s my ‘06 year in review.

Best Sports Moment – New Orleans Saints. What the Saints have done this year has not only been impressive, it has been touching. For a city that desperately wanted something to hold on to, the Saints have been exactly what it needed. Joe Horn, Drew Brees, and Reggie Bush have revitalize the city. Even as a Cowboy fan, it has been fun to watch.

Also receiving votes – UT wins National Championship, Tony Romo, LT scores again, Mavs in Finals, World Cup.

Worst Sports Moment – Cory Lidle. Shocked by news of a plane crashing into a New York apartment building, the world sat and waited to hear the details. Terrorist? News came down that it was New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle who was flying his personal jet to be home with his family. Cory Lidle died in the crash. Leaving his family behind.

Also receiving votes – The passing of Lamar Hunt, Barry Bonds, The Bengal’s All-Jail Team, The Knicks, The NBA’s New Ball

Best Quote – “With the psychotic, middle-aged Madonna out there on the loose buying up all the stolen Negro babies in Africa, I felt it my social and humanitarian duty to take in any young, beautiful and sexy orphaned Jew teens running wild in Beverly Hills.” – Vincent Gallo on dating 16 year old, blogger Cory Kennedy.

Also receiving votes – George Bush

Worst Quote (maybe best) – “I enjoy cocaine because it’s a fun thing to do… I enjoy the company of prostitutes for the following reasons: it’s a fun thing to do. … If you combine the two together it’s probably even more fun.” –Rep. Robert Wexler (D-Fla.), after being egged on to make those statement during an interview with Stephen Colbert

Also receiving votes – George Bush

Best News Story – Dick and his guns. The Vice President shot his friend while Quail Hunting and nothing happened. Let’s say Ryan, Bisch and I went Quail Hunting and I shot Bisch. Wouldn’t I go to jail? This would be hilarious on so many levels.

Also receiving votes – War on Terror, James Kim, SF Chronicle in jail

Worst News Story – John Mark Karr – After weeks of hearing about Karr being the murderer of Jon Benet Ramsey, we learned that it wasn’t him. He’s still creepy, though.

Also receiving votes – Hurricane Katrina, Celebrity Weddings

Best Gadget – Nike + iPod Sport Kit. You don’t just take iPod nano on your run. You let it take you. Music is your motivation. But what if you want to go further? Thanks to a unique partnership between NIKE and Apple, your iPod nano becomes your coach. Your personal trainer. Your favorite workout companion. Introducing Nike + iPod.

Also receiving votes – MacBook Pro, Palm Treo

Worst Gadget – Kazza 3. Okay, so it’s not really a gadget, but it does let you put music on your iPod. Except, of course, doing so could get you arrested. I’m not getting arrested for Jay-Z. Kelly Clarkson? Maybe….

Also receiving votes – Sony Walkman Bean, Intel’s Voice-Activated Remote Control.

Best Song – Sexy Back. Whether you’d like to admit it or not JT made us move in ‘06. Let’s just admit it. I’ve been sexy for a long time. Take me to the bridge.

Also receiving votes – Kelly Clarkson, Snow Patrol, Jack’s Mannequin, Dave Matthews Band

Worst Song - Paris Hilton Stars are Blind. Paris, please stick to sex videos and being hot.

Also receiving votes – Taylor Hicks, Mary J. Blige, and many more.

Best Fashion Trend – High Heels and Shorts. Dear god. It got out of control. Step aside High Boots and skirts. The first time I saw this trend was with Jennifer Aniston. I didn’t think it could get much better. Well… it did. Thanks, Adriana Lima.

Also receiving votes – High Boots and skirts, Tube Tops, Leg Warmers and skirts

Worst Fashion Trend – Huge sweaters and leggings. Ladies, attention! You are not Siena Miller, and you never will be. Take off the leggings, now and more on with your life. Guess what? This isn’t the 80’s either.

Also receiving votes – MoMo’s, Oversized Belts, Uggs.

Best Lifestyle – Tophinal. Basically, living like me. It’s pretty great, and a lot of people are doing very well for themselves by following my simple life rules.

Also receiving votes – Lesbian

Worst Lifestyle – Emo. Where have you little guys gone? Try not to get upset, but emo-kids are done.

Also receiving votes – Homeless.

Best Breast – Scarlett Johannson. Nothing more to say.

Also receiving votes – Jessica Simpson, Jenn Sterger, Rachel Bilson, Angelina Jolie, Marisa Miller, Adriana Lima

Worst Breast – Tara Reid. What happened? I used to love her. Her deep raspy voice, amazing body, and funny, to boot. However, botch surgeries killed her year and mine. Here’s to a speedy recovery Tara.

Also receiving votes – Pam Anderson, Tori Spelling, Vivica A. Fox

Worst Skillet – Helena Bonham Carter. There is nothing hot about this British chick. Why people think this is beyond me!

Skillet of the Year – Rachel Bilson. Things change. Rachel Bilson may be the breakout of the year. Not only is she stunning, but she has had a breakout year. She was simplyamazing in Last Kiss. Only aided by the nude scene. The O.C. may be cancelled, but she will always be in my heart. It doesn’t hurt that she is newly single. I might have a chance.

She could be my favorite for some time to come.

Well, I hope you have enjoyed your 2006. Please feel free to call me an idiot and add your own. I may make a few changes based on it, because I probably missed some things. But no matter how you feel, Ray and Blake, Rachel Bilson is the skillet of the year. Late. See you in ‘07!

Gobble, gobble, bitches. I’d like to take the chance to do some sexy reflecting of all the things that I am thankful for. I am most thankful for all the ladies that I get to sex every night. You ladies don’t know what you mean to me. I just want you all to know that I think each one of you is special in your own unique way. I will never call out someone else’s name while I’m in bed with you, because you’re the only one who matters at that given time. Thank you for all the things you send me. I am also thankful for my friends. I don’t know how I could live without our drunken antics, causing a ruckus in local eateries at 2:30 am, taking chicks home with us, and vomiting like there is no tomorrow. You know what, dudes? There is no tomorrow. Well, okay. Tomorrow there is a tomorrow, because it’s Turkey Day. I can’t help but to feel a little sad for the upcoming holidays. For the first time in my life this Thanksgiving will be spent without my Uncle Walter. I will miss him, but he did send me this photo. Apparently, since he’s so lonely he will be going around the neighborhood dressed as a Turkey. I think it’s sweet… and creepy. Now, on to the questions, from real emailers.

Uncle Walter… so weird…

Paul in Dallas, TX – Hey Toph, what’s the best way to fuck a turkey?

Well, you start off by making sure the turkey is warm. Use the thermometer to make sure that the turkey is about 75 degrees. This is warm enough to make it feel like a lady. Fill the turkey hole with stuffing, and make sure you leave out a majority of the veggies. You pretty much just want the breaded part. Then go to town, cause you’re fuckin’ a turkey! Best. Readers. Ever.

Melissa in Palo Alto, CA – Buenos Noches, Toph… I will be so lonely on Thanksgiving. My family in is Cabo for the holidays, and I have no where to go. I’m at Stanford and all of my friends are back East. Do you have any suggestions?

Well, Melissa, I used to have that same problem. My mom, Mayor Laura Miller of Dallas, and my dad, Pope Benedict, have always been pretty busy. All of my friends would spend their Thanksgivings with their families, and I was left out to dry. However, I have found that there is nothing better to do on a lonely Thanksgiving than go to the Strip Club. They typically put out a nice buffet, and the girls that are working are way lonelier than you’ll ever be. They will sit with you for hours, while rubbing your bizzo’s, and tell you why they have no family. It’s interesting. I remember Jasmine the most. She worked at a place called The Lodge, over in Dallas. Anyway, her dad was a coke dealer who got busted and was in jail. Her mom exploded when she tried to eat dynamite. Some people say that her coke dealing dad tried to make her eat the dynamite, it got stuck and he got out before it exploded, but that’s crazy according to Jasmine. But shit, she was left with nothing, and had to dance to pay her rent. She was sweet. My point is… try it.

Unikta in Maui, HI – Aloha, Toph! Now that the year is almost up, who are your best dressed, and hottest ladies of the year?

Well, Unikta, I can only assume you’re a chick, and I can only wonder why you’re asking me this question. I do hate to give out my favorites, because people (mainly Ray) disapprove of them and tell me who I should have in, but I will go ahead and answer. However, Ray… I mean Unikta, I will most likely do a whole story on all my favorites of the year. Keep in mind this is of the year, not all time.

3.Eva Longoria

2.Rachel Bilson

1. Adriana Lima

What can I say? I like my ladies brown…

Jill in Mystic, CT – It’s a cold winter, Toph. What are some ways to keep warm during these harsh winters?

Lots of finger banging and blankets.

Mike in Tallahassee, FL – A’ight, Toph. Break down the shows I should be watching right now, and why.

Well, Mike, this is a blog of it’s own, but what the hell? You should be watching Studio 60. I don’t think it’s lived up to it’s hype at all, but nonetheless it’s still interesting. I think, since ABC has given it the full season, you should get into it now. Sorkin will make this show work if it kills him. Watch it. It’s witty and sarcastic. On the same night, Monday, just stay home and sit on your couch, because Monday has become Must See TV. It used to be a throw away night, but with Heroes taking over, you need to stay in. Last week they “saved the cheerleader, and the world”, and it can only get better from here. It’s a pretty cool show, if you’re in to awesome. If you’re not then watch MNF. We’ve seen some real thrillers, huh? Huh?? Leave The CW alone. It’s not even fun to watch the hot chicks anymore, but I still watch OTH. Did you see them on the cover of Maxim? Thank you! Watch Boston Legal. I took a long time to come around on this show, even though Jimmy, Loren and Andrea kept telling me how awesome it is. Well, I am here, and I love it! I also encourage you to watch NBC’s new amazing Thursday lineup. Must See TV Thursday is back, and so is Scrubs! You have Earl, The Office, 30 Rock, and Scrubs. 30 Rock, to me, has been the surprise of the year. It’s hilarious. Tina Fey is hot, that’s right. Hot. So is the show. I am happy Scrubs will be back. Don’t, I repeat don’t, watch Black Groundhog’s Day, otherwise known as Daybreak. It looks terrible, and it’s replacing Lost for a bit. I hate it for that reason. Of course, watch any and all Cowboys and Maverick’s games.

Sam in Rough & Ready, CA – Toph, I’m in a pickle. I have a lady coming over for Turkey Day. I need to impress her, and turn her on. What’s the sexiest side dish?

Yams. That’s right, Sam. Yams. Hot, steaming yams. For some reason women can’t resist yams. Get your yam in hand, and feel it real good. Stroke it, make love to it. The lady can’t hold back when a man presents his delicious yams to her. Make it happen.

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful, love-filled Thanksgiving. Eats lots of Turkey and yams, watch lots of football, and have lots of sex. Since, I basically told you what I am watching, here’s what I am listening to. Also, a new portion of Ask Toph will be the Skillet of the week. Let me know what you think. Please send your Skillet of the week votes to my email for their consideration. This can be a normal girl, famous girl, porn girl, whatever. Just provide a name and a picture. Do it!

What I am listening to: Fallout Boy | Kanye | Group X | Toadies | Citizen Cope

Skillet of the week – The incomparable Raven Riley (Why wouldn’t I start with her?)

No, I am not doing a Malcolm X thing, this is the 10th installment of Ask Toph. I can’t believe it is only the 10th one. It seems like I would have done more in the 2 years since starting Ask Toph, but apparently not.

Sup, sup, sappinin, ladies. Do you realize that before my little Halloween Hotties I had not written in a month? Of course you do, because you won’t quit emailing me about it. Well, I’m sorry. I’m back, and to really get things back into high gear, I am back with your favorite Q & A, Ask Toph. Just as a side note, I am writing this totally naked. You heard me right, flamingo bitches, I am totally nude. Stop touching yourself, and read my rant. Here’s what I really hate. Go. I hate that I live in a city that rains from November 1st to March 31st. Does March even have a 31st? Who cares, because it sucks. Do you know what it’s like to wake up when it’s raining? Of course you fucking do. I guess I better trade in my beloved flip-flops for some dress shoes. Who the fuck wants to wear dress shoes? I only have two hands. One for a cigarette and the other for coffee, which I make at home. I think that’s important to note. I’m domesticated, suckas. I have no room in my sweetness to carry an umbrella. I look like a tool with an umbrella. I look classy with a smoke and a coffee mug. I get bitches throwing themselves at me with coffee and a smoke. Add in an umbrella and they think I’m gay. Fuckin’ rain. On to the questions…

Leo in Charlotte, NC – Toph, my man. Hottest chick on tv right now, who is it?

Oh Leo, where to start? This is a loaded question. I mean, do I take the easy road and say Jennifer Love Hewitt? Sure she’s on a shitty Friday night CBS show, but I still love her. How about Rachel Bilson? Is this only because we saw her boobies in Last Kiss? Does that count? I wouldn’t think so. How about the CW hotties? Is that too easy? It is to me. I will go out on a limb and uncover a new TV hottie. Here’s a girl you might not know, yet. Sarah Carter on the CBS Show, Shark. She’s so sassy I may just start tuning in. Let the complaints and pissed off people begin.

Sarah in Pittsburg, PA – Toph, what’s the first thing you notice on a girl?

Her naked. Most guys will say they notice a girl’s eyes, their hair, or their smile. Most immature guys will say they notice a girl’s tits, ass and legs. But a gentleman doesn’t notice anything on a women until she is completely naked in front of him. Then we will decide if we like it when she is on top of us. If we don’t we’ll finish and never talk to you again. If we do, then we’ll go on that first date you’ve been waiting for. By the way, Sarah, thanks for sending those naked pics.

Shelly in Spokane, WA – Hey Daddy, I’ve heard you’re a successful businessman. Is it true? How do you do it?

I’m confused. Is this a pet name, or am I really your Dad and you’re trying to get child support. If it’s a pet name, then if by successful you mean do I make tons of money and do my secretary in the back of a Volvo, then yes, I am successful. Business success is simple. One sentence will make all difference in the world for you. Never work with men. You can’t fuck a dude, and you damn sure don’t want their business. If I am your Dad, then no. I am a broke ass, motha.

Steve in Mexico City, Mexico – Hola, Senior Toph. In your classy opinion, who is the sexist senorita to come out of Brazil? Adriana Lima or Alessandra Ambrosio?

Steve, you are creepy. This is a good question though. This has been a debate with a friend of mine, Christian, for some time now. In fact, we had an email going back and forth today trying to top the others picture. This has a lot to do with why I am writing this naked. I choose Alessandra as my favorite and he chooses Adriana. This question may never have an answer, but I am for the underdog. So, my Brazilian Hottie goes to Alessandra Ambrosio (Ale’s on the right. Adriana is on the Left).

Jenn in Reno, NV – Hey, Toph!!!!!!! Oh my gosh! So, what TV show you would be in, if you could be in a TV show?!?!?!

Jenn, it’s not a question of if I could be in a TV show. No TV shows are ready for me. However, the show that’s the closest to being ready for is Estudio 2 on Telemundo. 4 mariachi bands compete against each other to win some prize. The show has a midget that takes off the bad ones, a la Apollo, a big dude in a cage, oh! and all these chicks jumping around in bikini’s. It’s wonderful.

Red in Lawrence, KA – They don’t call me Red for nothing.

Good.

Whitney in SF, CA – Toph, how come I can’t get to orgasm when I have sex? What am I doing wrong?

Oh, Whitney, you could be doing a number of things wrong. Come over tonight and I’ll show you.

Charlie in For Worth, TX – Toph, my girlfriend and I have been fighting a lot. I’m getting so tired of it. What do I do?

You have a girlfriend? Whatthefuck’s wrong with you, boy? Have you learned nothing!

You know what? I’m done today. Nobody can fuckin’ listen.

What I’m watching: Monday – How I Met Your Mother, Studio 60 | Tuesday – Friday Night Lights, Boston Legal | Wednesday – Jericho, One Tree Hill | Thursday – Earl, The Office, Gray’s Anatomy, Smallville | Friday – Ghost Whisperer

What I’m listening to: Supergrass | Jack’s Mannequin | Bea | Electric President | Jackopierce | matt pond PA

I love you.

– Toph, shown here with children who hate him.

It’s simple: Some people don’t like me, and I don’t like some people. I can’t help it. I love me some me. Some people don’t love them some me. What’s a guy to do? I typically shrug off the hate mail I get, but today when I got in from a long weekend, I couldn’t ignore it. I had received 75 emails from people who hate me. I couldn’t let that fall by the waste side, could I? Sharing 75 emails from the Ask Toph would be ridiculous for both you and I, but sharing a few of them might be joyous for us both. With that said, here is the first edition of I Hate Toph or Ask Toph XI (Is that 11? I don’t do Roman Numerals.).

Mike in Charlotte, NC – Toph, I hate you.

Mike, I am sorry. I understand it, though. You probably hate me because I am completely awesome. Yes, I have a website that is blowing up called TheToph.com, a clothing line that is being worn by Jennifer Love Hewitt and all of her hot friends called Toph T’s, and I have sex with multiple partners a week, each one hotter than the other. I understand it Mike, and I don’t blame you. Here’s my advice. Shades in rotation. It’ll help you. When I was a child, I was a bit nerdy. That was until I came upon my first pair of sunglasses. At that moment, my life became clear. I grew a mustache and started kicking ass. I was 8, Mike. Do you know what an 8 year with a ’stache and sunglasses looks like? Badass. That’s what. Get you’re shit together, Mike. It’s about time you did so…

Maggie in Spokane, WA – You belittle women, asshole. You make us look like idiots. You make it seem like all want is to fuck all the time. You’re a sexist son of a bitch.

Maggie! That is not true in the least. I love the ladies, and the ladies love me. I can’t help it. Respecting women is what gets them naked in my bed. I tell them they’re pretty, make them take me dinner, open a door or two and their panties end up circling the room on my ceiling fan. Is it a crime to effectively woo the ladies causing them to ultimately drop their dainties? NO! I may sound sexist, but the truth is I am an equal opportunist. I’ll sit beside you and cheer on Hugh Grant in another romantic comedy. I’ll lick your toes, and drink champaign out of your high heel. Then, I’ll stick you. But, you want to know something, Maggie? I stick you good… real good.

Champ in London, EN – Hi, Chap. You’re increasingly becoming less funny by the minute. Why don’t you go ahead and kill yourself?

I don’t recall asking you to read. Let me check, pick up groceries, get dry cleaning and bang the 70 year old Chinese woman behind the counter, because, let’s be honest, she hasn’t been done in quite some time, go to happy hour, solve world hunger, ask Phil to become a reader, and sex up the new neighbor on the 1st floor who is so freaking hot. Nope, didn’t ask you to read. What’s on your list today, “Champ?”

Bonnie in SF, CA – Toph, I thought we had something. Why did you never return my calls after last Friday? It was special. I love you. Please call me. I need you.

Bonnie, I’m sorry. First off, your name is Bonnie. I could never date a Bonnie. Maybe a Connie, or possibly a Lonnie, but not a Bonnie. It’s a bad name. When we were doing it, I couldn’t help but to picture an 80 year old lady. Believe it or not, it kept Captain Toph up and moving. Here’s the thing, Bonnie. I’ll give you one night to week of my life. It’s all I have time for. Think about how many of you there are. It’s a lot. I have to pleasure 156 women a year. That’s roughly 3 a week. Now, if I spend 2 weeks with you, then how can I catch up with my quotas? I can’t. Some of you are thinking, “Man, Toph, that seems like a lot.” Well, type in your zip code and check women in myspace’s search. How many came up? 75,000? I know. Do you know how long that will take me? Shit. I need to start a team of sexers that take the uglies, or something. It would be sweet.

That about does it for people hating me today. I’ll try to keep these going in the normal Ask Toph’s. I think they’re fun.

Here’s what I am watching: Monday – Monday Night Football | Tuesday – Porn, preferably Raven Riley | Wednesday – Lost | Thursday – The Office | Friday – Ghost Whisperer (I mean she is wearing my clothes now)

Here’s what I am listening to – OAR | Vanishing Kids | Gnarls Barkley | Ben Lee

photo by Ray
I have a lot of emails to catch up on, so let’s get started. No rants this week. I like everything.
Christian in San Francisco, CA – Toph, I just bought the new Madden ‘07 last night. I’m sure you remember yesterday when we both went and bought the new Madden. Is it possibly the greatest sports game of all time? We both know these things should be ranked by genre. P.S. I thought about the fat lingerie girl all night.
Yes, I do remember buying that last night. It’s hard for me to remember, because I spent the next 10 hours playing it. I rank it up there close to the top of greatest all time sports games. The game play is much faster, and it allows for a better running game. Vince Young is simply amazing. Regardless how many interceptions he throws. The stadiums look so much better, and I like that Madden keeps quite. Although, I can’t rank it as # 1 because it is missing Pat Summerall. I miss that man. Here are my top 5 sports video games.
#1 Tecmo Bowl – The 1st one. It was amazing. No one could stop the Dolphins. How could you? They had 3 passing plays.
#2 RBI Baseball – Again, another NES great. Andre Dawson was the man.
#3 Madden ‘92 on Genesis – Why? Because Chris Miller was the starting QB for the Atlanta Falcons. In front of who? Some guy named Brett Farve. 14 years ago.
#4 Madden ‘07 on PS2 – I’ve played 13 games in 10 hours. I need a life.
#5 Jordan vs Bird on NES – I made a tough choice and I am sticking with it. Greatest basketball game ever.
Charles in Trenton, New Jersey – Toph, why don’t you talk about sports and those crappy shows you watch more often?
Good question Charles, I need to talk about sports more. But, let’s be honest, how many people want to know whether or not Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush’s divorce and then CMM getting engaged to what can only be speculated as an underaged girl, will affect their chemistry on One Tree Hill? I don’t know. What I can only hope is that Haley and Nathan can remain together, despite Chris being back in the picture. Who’s pregnant or dead? Also, will The CW survive? How will the success of One Tree Hill affect Smallville? Who will Dr. Gray go to? Will it be, still trying a comeback, Chris O’Donnell? Or will she go to the one we all want her to go to? I’m pulling for Dr. Shephard. Why can’t those two just work it out!!! How does Mischa Barton feel about all of this? Will Eva Longoria continue to get hotter? Will she break up with, most hated Texas athlete, Tony Parker? Has Britney done herself in? Why is K-Fed alive? I mean, seriously, what do I know about celebrity gossip and girly shows?
By the way, I think the Cowboys have a solid chance to go deep in the playoffs. I just want to see T.O. get healthy and back on the field. I’m looking for the Falcons to get back into form, after last year’s disappointing season. I am now going to go beat off to a Raven Riley porn and get my manhood back.
Loren in Dallas, TX – Toph, I have laughed with you for a year now, but I feel like you are losing it. What gives? Come back to Texas.
I know you do Loren, but stay with me for a bit. I am still getting settled in this new city, and I don’t know many people. Give it time, and I’ll hit my stride again. I’ve only been here for 3 months, you know.
Charlotte in West Palm Beach, FL – Toph, did you hear about the new Segregated Survivor? What do you think?
Actually, I read up on that today. Why would they do this? Is it bad enough that black men are better at sports and have bigger penis’? Now, that have to win at Survivor. I’m all about equal rights, but I hate hockey. Survivor was the last important thing crackers will ever win at. I’m going to go ahead and start my Samuel L. Jackson for President campaign. Let’s be honest, he’d be the best President ever. Snakes in Mother Fucking Iraq.
Walt in Ok City, OK – Did you hear that Bin Laden loves Whitney Houston?
Can’t be any worse than dating Bobby Brown. What happened to Bobby Brown? When New Edition came out, I thought he was going to make it happen. Now he’s shitting on floors? They need a show called Flava of Brown.
John Mark Karr in LA, CA – I fuckin’ love JonBenet.
Why wouldn’t you?
Music that I’m Listening to: www.pandora.com It’s amazing. You program the musicians you like, and they give you their songs along with artist who sound like them. You will love it.
What I am Watching: I only have ABC right now, so I am only watching ABC reruns. According to Jim is actually not too bad.
Late.

Sup, Bitches. It’s me Grandma Winters in my first edition of Ask G-Dub. Let’s see, WWTD. Oh, rants. I have a rant. Don’t you hate it when your panties ride up your cheeks? I mean, I have some sweet thongs that I wear, what can I say, I’m a Original Skillet, but I hate when that shit gets up there so tight that I have to dig it out with the jaws of life. I really hate it. Now, on to the questions.

Phil in Portland, OR – Grandma, why haven’t you returned any of my calls. I love you.

Oh, Phil. You exploded in .3 seconds. Grandma can’t handle that shit, bitch.

Mary in Manchester, England – G-Dub, what was life like growing up as an Original Skillet? Do you think I’ll ever get top that level?

Of course you won’t Mary. I had to go through some tough times to be dubbed the Original Skillet. I’ve been bringing skillets up before you could even walk, girl. I remember back in 1920, January I think it was. There was this fellow named Babe, who played for the Red Sox. He wanted these kitchens so bad, but I was in New York at the time. I’m not gonna lie, I wanted that bologn pretty bad, so I poked a guy named Harry Frazee so that we would trade the Babe to New York. Let’s put it this way, Mary, the curse was all about my Vag. When you cause that many people that much heartache with your Vag, then we’ll talk, sugar.

Mike in Torino, Canada – G-ma, is it true you stopped World War II?

Oh Mike, of course it is. I fucked Adolph to death… all of the 3rd Riech, too. Word.

Ryan in Dallas, TX – I love you.

We’ve gone over this young man… No more 3 somes. You end up watching me and your lady rub monkeys.

Amy in Ithica, NY – What’s the meaning of life.

Drinkin’, Fuckin’, and Fightin’.

Michelle in Chapel Hill, NC – G-Dub, may I have Toph’s number? I want to make babies with him.

Oh, Michelle, no grandchild of mine is going to have children until I am dead and gone. I am already the hottest G-Ma alive. No way do I want to be hottest Great G-Ma Alive. I would have to change nicknames. 2 G’s Winters? I think not. We all know what happened to the last person named 2 G’s. I killed him.

Rani in Dallas, TX – G-Dub, how do you stay so fabulous?

I have sex 2 times a day. I eat as much as possible. I walk on a treadmill. And I have the cure for cancer. What else do you need.

That’s all the time I have for today. I’ll finish this up Toph style.

Here’s what I am watching: Monday: Golden Girls | Tuesday: Cosby Show | Wednesday: Project Runway | Thursday: Trading Spaces | Friday – Sunday: Drinkin’, Fuckin’, Fightin’

Here’s what I am listening to: Beatles: Abbey Road | Weezer: Blue Album | Toadies: Possum Kingdom

Lata, Bitches.

(Written a few days ago)

Man alive, I have not been able to answer any of your important questions lately. I haven’t had internet, and I am not sure how my new job feels about me spending 50 percent of my time on myspace, so I have been putting you guys on the back burner. I truly am sorry about that, so let’s do it. I don’t have any rants right now, well okay maybe a couple. It’s so fucking expensive out here in San Francisco. I took out a loan so I could buy a pack of cigarettes. I mean damn, cigarettes this expensive should be repairing my lungs as I smoke. They should cure cancer and give me sexual satisfaction at the same time. Also, what is Tom Petty doing singing the intro for the NBA playoffs? Not that it matters because it’s playoff time at the AAC. I can’t believe I am here and not there right now. It’s going to be really hard to focus on this with the Mavs game on, but I’ll try.

Ryan in Dallas, TX – Toph, sappinin? Do you think that the Mavs can beat the Spurs? If so, do you think they are automatic to go all the way? What kind of series do you think this is going to be?

Sup? I think they can beat the Spurs in a 7 game series as long as they take care of home court. If San Antonio wins one at the AAC then I am going to worry whether or not it is possible. Let’s not deny San Antonio, I mean, it’s one of the best teams they have ever had. However, I think the Mavs have the best chance they have ever had. If they beat San Antonio it will not be smooth sailing to trophy night. Both Phoenix and LA are good teams, and then you have Detroit who is phenomenal. Can you believe the Clippers? This series between the Mavs and Spurs is going to be out of control. The Mavs have to play tight D and challenge the Spurs on every shot. I’m going out on a limb and saying Mavs in 6, then Phoenix in 5, and finally Detroit in 6. That should mean that the Mavs will win it all at home, but I may not have done the math.

Joanne in San Francisco, CA – Hello, Toph. I was browsing profiles and I saw you were online. I want to rip your pants off. I’m a Mom and all I want for Mother’s Day is Charles Dickens. I hope you know what mean…

Joanne, I know what you mean and a Tale of Two Cities is on the way.

Anonymous in Cleveland, OH – Man, I have been prematurely ejaculating. It happens all the time, dude. The other night I was with a lady and I saw a magazine with the chick from Soprano’s on it and I started making gravy. That chick was pissed, seriously. It’s not just that though, it happens all the time. What do I do?

First thing, Anon is not to panic, I make gravy every time I see Meadow Soprano. Did you play a sport growing up? Here’s what I do when entertaining a lady. First, I make shrimp and grits 3 times before she comes over. That way, I can last a while when it’s time to eat. Then, while eating the main course, I think about what it like when I used to play First Base. I start with the first inning and work my way through 9 innings. If your lady is still breathing at the bottom of the ninth, then maybe you can take it extra innings.

Aussie in USA – Toph, my skillets keeps making me go to a certain kind of, how do I say, bar. She has all these friends who are men that like, uh, men. I’m beginning to question everything I’ve ever known. I have to stop this. WHAT DO I DO?!?

Well, Beau, I mean, Aussie, Here are a few things I suggest. First, you have got to make sure your chick doesn’t have a dick. I don’t care how many times you have slept with her or gone down under on her, you have to make damn sure. Check for some things that she may have missed. Look for back hair, beards, balls, hairy feet, and the size of her bum hole. When you are absolutely sure she’s not a dude, check again. Look for her birth certificate to just be damned sure. Is she wanting from behind a lot? Ask yourself. Now, if all that checks out, put your pants on. Just take them back from her and say, “Listen, I want to see titties and I want a poon to tickle my nose hair. With me or not?” You should be golden from here on out.

Alright, we have made it the second quarter so I have to dedicate it all to the Mavs. As usual, here’s what I am listening to and watching.

Here’s what I am listening to: Jack’s Mannequin | Saints and Sinners | Al Green | Hot Hot Heat | Charlie Robinson | Kriss Kross | Social Distortion

Here’s what I am watching: Monday: How I Meet Your Mother | Tuesday: Scrubs, Boston Legal | Wednesday: Lost, Invasion | Thursday: Smallville, My Name is Earl, The Office (what a brilliant season finale) | Friday: Ghost Whisperer (and I know what you’re thinking, “Ghost Whisperer? What the hell’s wrong with you?” Well, I’m sorry Jennifer Love Hewitt will always have a special place in my heart.) | Saturday: I’m drinking | Sunday: Gray’s Anatomy | Other than that, NBA playoffs and now that I live with Ray, the horrible shows he likes. All having to do with building cars or motorcycles. Neither of us have a clue how to do that, but he likes them. I guess that leaves us with a simple later, bitches.

What a wonderful weekend last weekend was. The NBA All Star game was in Houston, the Daytona 500, Olympics, College Basketball, it was a sports filled weekend. Mix in a few beers and you have the formula for a great weekend. I think everything is coming together on the myspace front. Most everyone is back, some subscribers are back, and still people haven’t deleted the old Toph. I still haven’t figured that out yet. My only rant is about iPods. Don’t get me wrong, I love my iPod, but there are things I wish they’d fix. Cover art. How is it that when I pop a cd to add to my itunes it doesn’t pick up the cover art? I mean, it can scan the name of the band, the name of the song, the type of music, and the name of the album, but not the cover art. It’s a senseless act really. I find myself throwing things because of it. On to the questions.

Andre in Chicago, IL – Toph, what the hell happened? I’m still not clear why you had to switch myspaces. Fill me in.

Andre, I’m still not clear. I went to log in one day and it told me my password wasn’t correct. So, I tried again and nothing. I though, “My this is strange.” So I went to enter my email address so they could send me my password. It said there was no such email address. DO WHAT NOW?!? I gave it a few weeks. Constant emails to the worst help desk in the world (the myspace help) and only received auto-replies. After a few weeks I gave up and created a new one. I am now trying to get the other deleted for identity theft. Make sense?

Lisa in Scranton, PA – Toph, how is it that you are able to have the love with so many ladies, yet never come up with a disease? When will you settle down?

Lisa, that’s a valid question and as soon as I come up to Scranton you’ll find out. Seriously though, there are 5 days in a week and 2 weekend days. There are so many opportunities for the relations. I settle down with every lady I am with. I just can’t commit.

Steve in Seattle, WA – Hey Toph, there’s this chick in my speech class and I have to get her notice me. I want to make the sex with her and I may even stay to cuddle. Please help.

Steve, I would just make an awesome speech about flowers. Chicks love flower speeches. Make sure you talk about how you stole flowers from a neighbor’s garden and how lovely it was. Then, after scoring a righteous A , sit down and tell her it was about the neighbor’s daughter. No doubt she’ll ask you to start making babies immediately. Take it slow, Steve, but no reason you can’t start making gravy noodles immediately.

Mike in Charlotte, NC – Toph, I was thinking of asking my girlfriend to marry me. That’s cool right.

Mike, not cool.

Ashley in Gainsville, FL – I have the drive of a guy. I want it all the time. Is that bad?

Last time I checked… no. Just be safe. Wash the crowbar after each use.

Here’s what I’m watching: Mondays – Two and a Half Men | Tuesdays – I’m still upset about the cancellation of Love Monkey. I boycott TV. | Wednesday – American Idol results show (rocks!) | Thursday – Sunday – Sports and Drinking

Here’s what I’m listening to: Jack’s Mannequin (so good) | Hot Hot Heat | Mos Def | and old school flavor of the week Another Bad Creation at the Playground.

Chicks I’m sleeping with: Lebanese | Half Asian both are so good.

It has been a while since I have posted an Ask Toph, and I apologize to all those who’s questions have been overlooked. I have been getting your emails and I will answer them. Actually, I’m going to answer them right now, so you can rest easy. I hope the Ask Toph layoff will not have caused you any problems. I have added something new to the bottom, so I hope you like it. Now, a little about me before we get into you. I probably have some of the coolest friends alive, and they are helping me put out my book. I am thinking it should be ready by the first weekend in February, but that may be jumping the gun a little. Ray has found a way for me to publish the book and he is apparently doing my cover art. That’s pretty kick ass if you ask me. I have also found an editor. Lanie is the smartest, most beautiful, and cleverest lady I have meet, so I am lucky to have her helping me out. All she wants in return is me as a sex slave, and you can’t argue with that. So, you are all going to buy my book right? Damn well better. Now, on to the questions…

Brian in Portland, OR – Toph, I hear you’re putting out a book. I can’t wait to get it. Anyhow, I recently got a bad case of the love virus. What can I do to fix it?

Brian, I am putting out a book. How nice of you to mention that. I’ll send you an autographed copy. Now, about the love virus, first off, never call it that again. It’s weird, dude. Secondly, it can be cured. Call her up and ask her to meet you at a local bar. When she arrives be hitting on someone else, and ask her if she’d mind if you guys included a new addition. She will break up with you, or say yes. You win either way.

Brittany in Roanoke, VA – I started dating this guy. It was great. Then, I meet his brother and slept with him. I also slept with both of their friends. I also slept with Ray, Ryan, Bisch, Beau, Jimmy, Loren, and Jon. Oh, and you. What should I do?

Brit, it sounds like you’ve done enough. Take a nap and let that tang rest.

Mark in Steam Boat Springs, CO – What’s up, Toph. Can’t wait for the book. So, I’m 42 and I met this girl. She’s fantastic. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted. She’s smart, funny, 18, hot, and great in bed. She’s also still in high school. Is that weird?

Mark, buy the book, and yes it is weird. Why haven’t you included her mom in on the action. I have mixed feelings of disappointed and proudness (totally not a word). Just make me proud Mark.

Sweet Sugar J in Atlanta, GA – Toph, I’m a rapper. How can I make it happen?

SSJ – I would guess by emulating 8 Mile. That guy had all the luck. Do what he did, and move to Detroit.

Key Low Drama in Detroit, MI – Toph, dog, wassup wit you tellin’ SSJ to move to D-town. We don’t need his type in this. Back off, dog. Can’t wait to buy yo’ book. You’s hilarious.

KLD, sorry, I didn’t know. I just assumed.

Jill in Austin, TX – Toph, I am babysitting and someone keeps calling the phone and hanging up. It’s raining out and I am really scared. The police said, “it’s coming from inside the house.” WHAT DO I DO?

Jill, I just saw the preview to this movie. I’m sure you live. I love babysitters. I am definitely going to have to sleep with you. Give me a call, dumplin’.

Well, I think that just about does it for this week’s Ask Toph. Can you believe this is the 8th one? I’ve decided to add a what I’m watching and listening to, maybe you’ll like it, maybe not.

Here’s what I am watching; Monday – How I Met Your Mother | Tuesday – Scrubs, American Idol, Love Monkey (Brilliant) | Wednesday – One Tree Hill (yeah, I just admitted that) | Thursday – Smallville, My Name is Earl, The Office | I’m drunk the rest of the time.

Here’s what I am listening to; James Blunt, Stephen Fretwell, Ben Folds, Marjorie Fair, Artic Monkeys (thank you, Sally), Bone Thugs and Harmony.

Remember, keep the questions coming and keep reading. Late.

I thought I would start this edition of Ask Toph with a holiday song. So, sit back and prepare your ears for this amazing rendition of Silver Bells. UGHHUH (clearing throat). Silver bells…. (silver bells)… silver bells… (silver bells)… soon it will be… Christmas Day… Ring a ding… (ring a ding)… ring a ling… (ring a ling)… Soon it will be… CHRISTMAS DAY.

Do you like how I built it at the end there? I thought it was real passionate. I’m a passionate guy. This edition of Ask Toph is one that is near and dear to my heart. We will address questions and concerns for the holiday season. Let’s get right to it shall we?

Charles in Columbus, OH – Toph, Why are Christmas colors red and green? I don’t look good in red and green.

Charles, I don’t know. I’m going to have to consult the professionals. Dr. Mike Wallace of Cornell University says, “Green is used because we use Evergreens and red is because of holly and drops of Christ’s blood.” That’s all well and good, but I needed another source. I consulted with Dr. Ryan Owens of Greenville Ave. University who said, “After I spend the green, I beat their skillet red, gravy noodles.” That’s right, Charles, gravy mo’ flackin’ noodles. And you don’t look good in it because you are ugly.

Melissa in Denver, CO – Toph, what are the chances you would come to my families Christmas celebration? I told them I was dating someone very serious and that he would be here for Christmas. Would you do it?

Melissa, I appreciate you considering me for your fake boyfriend. However, what will happen is your family will love me, you will fall in love with me, and I won’t like the present that you will give me. It will end with you crying and me returning the gift. I am sorry.

Sam in Union City, GA – Yo Toph, is you Santa? You know, cause, people are talking.

Sam, if by Santa you mean, do I live in the North Pole? Am I married to Mrs. Claus? Do I have elves and reindeer? Do I make toys and deliver them to the children all over the world? If by all this you ask if I am Santa Claus, then yes, I am.

Rebecca in Philly, PA – Toph, I am making my first holiday meal for my husband and his family. Any suggestions on making it go well?

Yes. Pay someone else to make it. I know excited you are, but let’s be honest, you have never done anything of this magnitude. You will inevitably fail, his family will hate you, and the rest of your life will be miserable. Do you want that? I didn’t think so.

Doug in Roanoke, VA – Tiggidy Toph Toph. Man, I can’t believe I got one my emails on this, yo. Check this. I super glued some mistletoe around my bizzos and you know it ain’t comin’ off. What the hell do I do, dog?

Doug, why would you want to get it off? I understand the long term, and you can just run it under hot water or something. But, Doug, people have to follow what the mistletoe says. Leave it on, at least till after New Years. I’m proud of you today.

Well, guys, that about wraps it up for this edition of Ask Toph. See what I did there? Wraps it up, like a present. I thought it was good. Thank you for all the emails and keep them coming. I will have New Years tips coming up. I’m going to give you some advice that I gave the three wise men a long time ago. “Listen, wise guys, how about you take a left a follow that star. It will lead you to Jeeze Creeze everyone likes that kid.”