1. Keep it short. I want a date, not a pen pal. Keep your message short, with a few fun facts about you and a few questions about me and I’ll do the same. And once we go back and forth twice, decide if you want to ask me out or not. I write enough emails for work, I don’t want to come home and read something with multiple paragraphs unless it’s this or this.

2. Never ever mention someone’s booty (or their labia, or their toes). True story–every girl I know on the site receives several messages–sent between the hours of 1 and 4 a.m., that read something like this: “Hello sexy fresh bootlicious, I want to cum ovr rite now and suck your toes and smack yERr boo-TAY!”(Spelling and punctuation borrowed from real life messages). The thing is, even if I wanted to respond, it’s incredibly difficult to dream up a response that could top your literary genius and complexity.

3. Write me a personalized message. You (presumably) just read a bunch of information about me on my profile. I didn’t put it there for myself to read. Just add a few sentences, personalize the message. Do we have something in common? Did you think something in my profile was funny or interesting? Do you have any thoughts at all? Do not just say, “hi-what’s up?” or “how are you?” First, that’s lazy. Second, How AM I? Well I just got over a UTI, I threw up in my sink last week, I ate crackers for dinner, and I’ve been listening to “Dancing on my Own” on repeat. The point is, I’m not comfortable sharing my weird little habits and worries with a stranger (I’d like to get to know you and THEN let all my ugly secrets come out).   And if I follow your lead and respond with a generic “good, how are you?” we’ve learned nothing about each other.  Keep those kind of pleasantries for when you pass a co-worker in the hallway.

4. Don’t use that terrifying AIM like “chat” feature. It’s not 1995 and this is not a chat room. 

5. Getting belligerent is scary. A little teasing and some friendly debate is great for a first date, but can be really off-putting in a first message. For instance, if I really like the Washington Redskins, don’t message me with “RGIII SUCKS! GO COWBOYS!” First of all, CAPS LOCK is terrifying–you’re yelling and I don’t know you yet. Second of all, the Cowboys suck, and so do you.

6. Be yourself, but don’t reveal your deepest darkest fears. Admitting you’re new to the site, you’re awkward, or you don’t understand messaging protocol is fine with me. A little humility is refreshing. However, don’t start a message with, “most people think my messages are annoying but I am trying to get better at them so I finally get a date cuz i’ve been on the site forever and no one likes me.” Instead of responding, I’d like to direct you to my therapist so you can work on your self esteem issues.

Lastly, ladies and gents, we believe personalized messages deserve a response. Unless someone looks and sounds like a serial killer, if they take the time to write you a nice message crafted with details from your profile, do them a favor and respond. If you’re interested, continue the conversation. That’s easy enough. If you’re not interested, respond anyway. Would you ever ignore a real live person who asked you a polite question at a bar? (Oh god, I bet some of you just silently answered yes. I hope I never meet you–at a bar or otherwise.) Just thank them for messaging you and let them know. While I felt like an admissions officer sending my first “thanks but no thanks and best of luck” message, I also felt like a brave, direct person. A brave direct person whose karma will be improved so people will answer her perfectly normal, wittily-crafted, messages.

-L & D

Given 5 Phases

Before I get into my style in how to open never get rejected I’m going to get nerdy and briefly talk about Givens 5 phases of courtship. I have a different type of style because of my studies, I look at courtship as pretty simple though I have a mix of all the courtship processes I studied in my head I like to use the simplest to outline the process and the rest of them sort of interact to create the rest of my courtship process.

Attention

First phase is to get the interest of the intended target. Peacocks use their bright tells to get attention.

Recognition

The second phase is recognition, this is usually eye contact when the two identify the initial attraction and agree on it.

Interaction

Talking is the third step for Givens I prefer to call it interaction as I’ve watched a kid not talk to a woman for 45 minutes kiss her, then talked and got her number. We interact with people we like if we have a choice.

Touch

When you close the distance you eventually get to touch. We start to touch those we are attracted to.

Sex

His final phase is sex, obvious and pretty simple really.

We are only going to go into the first 3 phases.

My Style

Now when it comes to my style of pick up I use a game that really lets me never get shot down, because I never make the first move and I build initial interest. It’s a weird tactic but I use peacocking behaviors to attract attention. I happen to have a loud personality, I laugh, I joke, I have fun, and I have charisma. I say witty things and my body language seems to have presence (as I’ve had people remark). This sounds egotistical but really I am trying to describe things I’ve worked hard to gain, so if it sounds like an ego stroke I apologize it is really me trying to describe my personality to you guys and how I am.

Normally if I have a target I might walk over with a friend to the area, maybe while she is grabbing a drink so it is natural. Then I joke with my friend and laugh a little, I have enough wit to make a few remarks sitting there in line. Eventually she looks over and you gain recognition, she is at least for the moment interested enough in the situation to look at you.

You must respond to her recognition or the moment passes. I happen to have spent years studying body language, so I notice a small reaction. Microexpressions (Paul Ekman discovered these, Cal Lightman of Lie to Me is based off of him) are the most honest expression men and women use. So if I say something and I notice an expression or reaction with her body language I will use it. You don’t need to read Microexpressions to use this stuff it just allows me to see anyone’s reaction(they never go away).

Examples:

Two Fridays ago on the way back from the bar we stopped at Del Taco and I waited in line as I was talking with my buddy, there was a few cute girls there but there was one right in front of us in line. I was kind of drunk so I don’t remember the words but basically I bullshitted with my buddy joking around and I waited for her to react. I knew I could get her to smile or laugh. When she reacted I responded to her reaction by saying see she feels bla bla bla too. She turned and started a small talk then turned back as I talked to my buddy again. The guys in front gave it a go talking to her but she came back to me later.

Last Friday I went to the club and as I waited in line I was bull shitting with my sister and there was this cute woman in front of me in line. Same old thing I just kind of joked around about something got a slight smile and said see she feels the same. Then she turned and looked and talked for a second. Ok I’d been bsing for a minute and I couldn’t help but wonder why I couldn’t get her attention. I see later on she had a boyfriend. See this technique works regardless of whether they are interested in finding someone but at the same time it makes it innocent but fun and funny conversation to begin with thus it’s not threatening, an attractive conversation(making you more attractive) and impossible to ignore.

Summing up No Rejection

It is a very simple move that works very well as long as you have the character to handle it and the body language skills to notice something so you can capitalize on the moment. I have a pretty unique style because with my style I have them join the conversation naturally and it’s almost like they are picking up on me the way the conversation works out. After all you used how they felt at a time to open them. You were reacting to their body language open.

This is basically a no rejection technique for checking to see if she is attracted to you and your personality before you actually open, and because you are literally reacting to her body language. If you have the character to pull it off I highly recommend adding this tool to your natural open closet.

Obviously, we need to revise, polish and proof our writing before it goes out in the world. Even with the informality of a blog, it makes sense to let a draft rest, then return to do what needs to done to make the writing make sense.

But there comes a point when polishing and proofing go past the point of diminishing returns and become “perfectionation,” which is what I call the procrastination of giving the writing “just one more edit” even when there’s nothing left to edit.

I noticed this is one of the ways I do resistance. When I get an idea for a query for example, I brain dump it and its possible permutations, do some research, then come back and tailor the idea into a query appropriate for the particular publication I have in mind. I revise, I tweak, I polish and proof and polish and proof and polish and proof… and yes, I know I wrote “polish and proof” three times. I’m abbreviating what really happens to spare you the tedium of endless “perfectionation.”

The logic – well the thinking anyway, I don’t know how much logic there is in this – is that I have one chance to grab the editor’s attention and demonstrate that this is something she or he will want. So I’d better make sure I’ve double-checked the guidelines, provided enough evidence to intrigue and convince without giving away too much, crossed all my “t”s, dotted all my “i”s, spell-checked, grammar-checked, etc.

In other words, if I can just make this query perfect enough, I can guarantee it won’t be rejected. It can’t be rejected – I made it perfect.

What better way to avoid rejection than to keep a query (or any other piece of writing) on my To Do list under “Polish and Proof” indefinitely?

Just as there is a point when polishing becomes “perfectionation,” there is a point when research becomes retreat (avoiding having to move forward where something bad might happen like getting rejected or corrected or finding out your idea sucks). Likewise, there is a point when exploring possibilities becomes “possi-debilitating” (crippling yourself by refusing to choose one course of action, again to avoid having to move forward where something bad might happen).

What good thing that any professional writer does as a matter of course do you occasionally take past the point of good writing practice into a form of resistance?

As a freelancer, I live with uncertainty. It’s just the way of it:

• I can’t control whether or not my work is accepted for publication.
• I can’t make a publisher stay solvent long enough to publish my work.
• I can’t influence an editor’s decision to kill or not kill a topic.
• I can’t change current events that might alter a publishing schedule.
• I can’t determine when I get paid.

But I can do some things to generate more regular income:

• Do my homework (especially market research).
• Submit, submit, and submit some more.
• Submit only to those publications that pay on acceptance.
• Submit only cleanly edited, well-written articles.
• Do everything within my power to avoid rejection.
• Retain copyrights.
• Follow guidelines.
• Meet deadlines.
• Always have works in progress (develop a project board).
• Track my projects, assignments, and submissions.
• Identify and establish a few key (paying) clients; write regularly for them.
• Treat freelancing professionally (regular hours, professional work ethic, etc.).

I have to admit, after my initial joy over writing my stuff again, I’m nervous about the uncertainty that comes with freelancing, especially on the pay front. I didn’t think I’d be, but I am.

If my freelancing history is any indication, I should be able to generate multiple submissions and contracts (and regular pay). But it’s been three years since I’ve been in that saddle, and the market has changed.

Can I find work as a freelancer in today’s market?

I think I can. And I’ll try.

But I won’t know the outcome unless I start submitting.

I guess that means I’ll have to live with uncertainty again. That’s the price I’m paying for freedom — the freedom to write as I choose.

I hope it’s worth it.

‘Til next time,

Joan

In honor of teaching at an all-day writers’ conference today, I thought I’d pass on one of the tip sheets I give to my students. I hope you find it useful!

TEN WAYS TO (almost) INSTANTLY IMPROVE YOUR WRITING:

1. CUT CLICHÉS.
2. POUND OUT PREACHINESS.
3. PITCH PASSIVE VOICE.
4. AVOID ADJECTIVES AND ADVERBS.
5. QUIT USING QUALIFIERS.
6. REMOVE REDUNDANCIES.
7. TAKE OUT TECHIE WORDS.
8. VARY SENTENCE LENGTH.
9. USE VIVID VERBS AND NOUNS.
10. ADD ANECDOTES.

I hope you find something useful here!

‘Til next time,
Joan

While driving to my speaking engagement lasted weekend, I took my usual shortcut to the turnpike over back roads that wind through open farmland. As I rounded a familiar bend my eyes were drawn to a straw, dome-top, wide-brimmed gardening hat sitting in the center of the on-coming traffic’s lane. It looked so peaceful and ordinary, like someone had put it there on purpose, but it rested smack dab in the middle of the road.

And it kept grabbing my attention as I drove by.

Now, I like gardening hats. I often wear one when I work in our flower beds. They keep my hair out of my eyes, the sweat off my brow, and those nastly little gnats away from my face. And they protect me from the sun.

But they don’t belong on a macadem highway. They’re too distracting.

And that reminded me of writing.

Sometimes I put “straw hat” anecdotes or stories–things I like, things with which I have experience, things to which I’m drawn–in the middle of my writing. The problem is I sometimes insert them in places they don’t belong. And like the hat in the road the other day, they become distracting. They divert the reader’s attention from the main thrust of the piece (the story line or main point) and make my writing weaker. Sometimes my writings are better without straw hats, no matter how much I like them. They don’t belong in the middle of my story road.

Don’t get me wrong; straw hats do have a place: in the garden, or on my head, or on a hat rack. It’s not that straw hats never belong or can’t ever be used. The sames goes for “straw hat” illustrations–there is a place that suits them. I’m just learning that I need to be more judicious in where I hang my hats.

This week, I’m keeping an eye out for distracting illustrations in my writing. If I give my pieces enough sit time, distracting illustrations jump out at me like a straw hat in the middle of the road. They become ease to see and even easier easy to cut.

And my writing is stronger for it.

How about you? Do you ever put straw hats in the middle of the road? It doesn’t take much to stop and remove them, and your readers will be less distracted. You just have to be willing.

‘Til next time,
Joan

“In writing, your audience is one single reader. I have found that sometimes it helps to pick out one person–a real person you know, or an imagined person–and write to that one.”

I took Steinbeck’s words literally. When I started writing Our Mighty Fortress: Finding Refuge in God, I identified a woman from my church who best represented my target audience, taped her picture from our church directory on to my computer monitor, and referred to her image every time I encountered difficulty articulating my topic.

When I felt I sounded too theological or when I couldn’t find the right words, I’d say to myself, How would I explain this to __________ (the woman whose picture hung on my computer) if she were sitting here with me now sharing a pot of tea?

That trick helped me write a readable, accessible manuscript on an abstract, deeply theological topic. And the comment I receive most about that book today is that readers hear my voice in its pages; they feel as though we’re sitting side-by-side carrying on a warm, inviting conversation. I couldn’t be more pleased.

But I couldn’t have done it without applying Steinbeck’s words to “write to that one.” And I certainly couldn’t have done it had God not given me grace to envision my reader.

To whom are you writing? Do you know? Envision her now. And if you can’t see her, ask God to show that reader to you. It’s best to know who she is before you begin; it will make the writing process that much easier in the long run.

‘Til next time,
Joan

Now that I’ve summarized my feelings about editing my work, I’ll reveal something further: though I don’t enjoy editing (yuk), I’m secretly thankful for the process. It’s another skill that makes me a better writer.

The best $50 I ever spent I paid to a freelancer who edited one of my early book proposals. She helped me identify style issues I would never have seen: I tended to end sentences with prepositions; I occasionally included subject/pronoun disagreements; I double-spaced after periods (a throwback to my typing days–something I still do). Because someone else’s fresh eyes (sound familiar?) edited my work, I learned something about my writing style and habits, and I learned how to improve them.

So today is a day when I must begin editing (yuk) my manuscript in earnest:

• I’ll edit (yuk) for things like punctuation, grammar, word use, and all the things you’d think I’d look for when I’m editing (yuk).
• But I’ll also look for those style issues others have pointed out to me in the past.
• I’ll edit (yuk) for content accuracy and consistency.
• I’ll edit (yuk) for POV consistency.
• I’ll edit (yuk) according to my publishing house’s list of style issues and guidelines.
• And I’ll edit (yuk) not just content, but bullets and sidebars and appendices and glossaries and all the rest of my front and back matter, too.

Today I must edit (yuk) my work. Oh well. It’s another mark of a professional writer to provide clean manuscripts. And I am (I must remind myself) a professional.

It’d be so much easier to be an amateur.

‘Til next time,
Joan

P.S. Please note that my parenthetical yuks appear only when I refer to editing I have to do. I have the deepest respect and appreciation for content editors and copy-editors and others of their breed who make editing their profession. Where would we be without them?

I spent the last thirty minutes “pre-writing”:

• I watched the sunrise (my office window provides an unobstructed view of the eastern horizon).
• I warmed my coffee in the microwave.
• I stared at the computer screen.
• I let the dogs out.
• I picked at my fingernails.
• I let the dogs in.
• I wiggled my mouse.
• I paid a visit to bathroom.
• I glanced at my keyboard.
• I warmed my coffee again.
• I checked my e-mail.
• I stared at my monitor some more.

Lest you think I was wasting time, my brain wasn’t idle. I engaged several topics in my head during this restlessness: how tired I am; how I might develop the remaining four chapters of the book I’m under contract to complete; what I might pull from the freezer for dinner; which writing projects need to be today’s priorities (for my staff writing position); how neurotic our oldest Lab’s behavior can be (we have three Labrador retrievers); how difficult it is to write sometimes; what I have teach next Tuesday; the question of what I could write about today; a speaking engagement I have next Wednesday; how crazy this blog thing is; how I need to get to work; how it’s going to be a long day; how I wish the words would just flow.

My muse didn’t show up this morning. And then it hit me: write!

When I feel least like writing or when words elude me, that’s most often when I just need to begin.

Well, I did. Today’s blog got me started.

Now I have to get back to work.

‘Til next time, Joan