Well, it’s that time of year again, time for Thanksgiving and Black Friday, the two busiest days of my life. One day I spent cooking and eating the greatest food on Earth, then I have a midday nap and I get ready to stand out in the cold so that I can get amazing shopping deals.  Now, all of us go through the movie aisles and grab our favorite horrible movies.  If you want to pick them up… I suggest when they are uber cheap to do it.  I have been looking around recently for a copy of Troll 2 to add to my collection and hopefully this will be the year.

Though, I have figure out a way to even get more off on my Black Friday sales.  My master plan this year is to get gift certificates that at a discount on sites like citydeals or others and then use them for payment on my items.  This is what I call a double bonus, a genius move on my part!

No!  Don’t go in there!  They’re right behind you!  That’s what she said!  Run, bitch, run!

He has modeled his movie going experience after Statler and Waldorf from The Muppet Show.  Thinking it is his own personal Mystery Science Theater 3000 and he’s sitting front row center between Crow and Servo, he throws up zingers and one liners like the actors in the movie can actually hear him.  Hopefully he’s at a screening of Rocky Horror Picture Show because if not, his “audience participation” will be frowned upon more than when he tries to discretely take that ever so important phone call an hour into the movie.

No, we don’t care if the actor is obviously going to get killed when they walk into the deserted cabin.  It makes sense that they are slowly searching closets on the second floor of the house whose power has been cut when there is a serial killer on the loose.  Of course the scantily clad sorority girl will be able to outrun the killer through the woods and there’s no chance at all that she’ll trip, fall, and twist an ankle.  Really, what could go wrong with midnight skinny dipping in Crystal Lake?

I usually don’t talk about pop culture, but Twilight is too big and too wrong to let off the hook.

The target audience of Twilight is young girls between the ages of 9 and 20.  This demographic is extremely impressionable, and as with anybody they’re most likely to be influenced by those they respect and admire. If your child owns a Twilight poster with Edward and Bella’s faces on it, they obviously look up to those people even if they’re fictional characters…especially since children have a hard time distinguishing between reality and fantasy. So of course children are going to be influenced by the role models of Edward and Bella.

 

..As a parent it would be irresponsible to allow your children to read and watch Twilight because it’s chalked full of themes that provide horrible influences on young, impressionable girls. I’m going to analyze these themes and pull 6 reasons out of them not to let your children read/watch Twilight. None of the things I’m going to say here haven’t been said somewhere else 1000 times, which is all the more reason why you should be ashamed of yourself for failing your children if you’ve encouraged their exposure to Twilight.

1. Pedophilia is acceptable.

Edward is 109. Bella is 17. This is the definition of pedophilia, but in the story it’s okay for them to have this relationship because Edward looks 17. In real life girls idolize Edward. They want to fall in love with Edward. Since they can’t have Edward they need a substitute: someone real who is much older, wiser and stronger than them. The only stipulation is that the older person has to look young. Twilight drives home the theme that pedophilia is okay by the fact that Edward is a monster who society won’t accept, yet his affair with Bella (which he has behind Bella’s parents’ back) is portrayed as a beautiful thing. This might seem like anal nitpicking to an adult, but what does it look like to an impressionable, hormonal teen following the lead of her idol?

2. You’re incomplete without a man…or at least, it’s of the utmost importance to be in a relationship.

Obviously, this message sets women’s right 20 years back, but that’s so obvious I’m not even going to talk about it further. I want to talk about the more subtle message that it’s of the utmost importance to be in a relationship at all. There’s a lot to be said for relationships and marriage, but those are adult themes for the adult phase of your life. Tween and teen girls need to be focusing on finding themselves and establishing their independence so that when it comes time to date they don’t become codependently attached to the first guy who tells her she loves her. Barraging young girls with the message that their life isn’t worth living unless they’re in a relationship cripples them for life.

3. Rushing into a committed relationship is virtuous.

This is similar to #2, but a little different. Twilight shows that it’s not just enough to lock yourself into a relationship with someone you barely know, but you should do it as quickly as possible. If you can’t understand why that’s bad then you don’t deserve to be a parent. Then again, maybe that’s why you’re a parent.

4. Men have to be superhuman.

Edward is portrayed as not only super strong but also super refined, super selfless and super courteous. Twilight is setting young girls’ expectations at this standard. That’s not to say that men shouldn’t be strong, refined, altruistic and courteous, but nobody is perfect…especially not teenage boys. This unrealistic standard is setting up young girls for heartbreak. I guarantee you that before this whole Twilight fad is over it will have caused someone to commit suicide. Even without that, it’s going to stress out already overstressed teen boys, and it’s going to send girls into adulthood resenting men for not being perfect.

5. Love leads to sex.

Twilight doesn’t say this. In fact, Bella and Edward stay celibate, but that’s not how real life works. Every male “player” knows that the quickest way to sleep with a girl is to tell her you love her. The reason this works is because girls want sex to mean something. So if a man tells her he loves her then she views it as meaningful and thus it’s okay. Twilight tells girls they have to fall in love…immediately. It also says you need to prove your love. What do you think is going to happen in real life once your daughter falls in love with a stranger and sex ceases to be as taboo and she wants to prove her love?

6. There are better books/movies your children should be reading/watching than Twilight anyway.

The simple fact that they’re occupying their time reading/watching Twilight means they’re wasting irreplaceable time during their formative years that they could be using to read good books and watch good movies. That’s reason enough to keep them away from Twilight.

2nd edition of Nostalgic Tendencies. During the summer, I had to endure horrid animated sequels and this film was as bad as Guns And Roses’ latest album.

Night of the Museum 2

**

Don’t forget to bring your pitchforks with your torches. The ones that are on fire, that is

Very rarely has a sequel of a film progressed to a point where it has achieved brilliance. The Lord of the Rings; Harry Potter ; GodFather ; Toy Story – films with such depth, intelligence and the ability to channel the wide range of human emotions and ideas.

Forgive me for diving into nostalgia but it is there where I can take solace from this below average sequel that is Night of the Museum 2: a film – which somehow managed to attract Hollywood stars such as Robin Williams, Ricky Gervais and the star of the show, Ben Stiller – that relies too much on CGI and silly gimmicks.

The predecessor was predictable, unoriginal and basically a great way for the cast to earn a lot of green. But here, the film is – well, pretty much the same really. The exhibitions come to life, chaos ensues, great villains of the past in either fact or fiction revived and protagonist Larry Dalley (Stiller) has to make sure everyone is in their rightful, motionless positions before dawn.

Considering the fact that this is a sequel, there is of course a slight “twist.” The exhibits are considered to be behind the times and the Natural History Museum lacked interactive features and technology and are moved to another museum, the famous Smithsonian Institute of Washington D.C. and from there, arises a villainous pharaoh named Kah Mun Rah (Hank Azaria) who seeks to (this is the part where I sighed) take over the world. Larry is aided by Amelia Earhart (Amy Adams) and chaotically tries to stop Kah Mun Rah.

Cue the appearances of possible merchandise ranging from Einstein bobble heads to airplanes; mini cowboy figurines to squirrels; Darth Vader to Sesame Street. I’ll give credit where it’s due here: the producers certainly knows how to make a lot of money from a recession. I’ll give more credit if they hired acceptable script writers.

Sadly, this isn’t the case. The inevitable dry humour is present – with the worst offender in the form of The Thinker, acting as a stereotypical jock and exclaiming with a combination of swagger and nasal “firepowa!“ Cringe worthy moment if there ever was one; the dialogue seems to be written by a stuttering anti-social monkey – seriously, my 4 year old cousin has more of an imagination and ability to conjure up realistic script writing. Why an earth does Abraham Lincoln have a British accent I’ll never know.

Anything in store for the adults and teens? A good nap.

And yes, that cursed slapping monkey is present.

Not all of it bad news. It is far more, er, should I say “entertaining” than the previous film and Azaria’s main role gives it a more classy feel.And that seems to be all the good news I can conjure up. Oh wait, at least Stiller’s finances has been injected by enough greens to be kept safe from the Credit Crunch.

Please, don’t forget to visit my Gift Shop: Sequel Ruins.

Another sequel? You bet. Unfortunately, it will be 100% guaranteed to have “crap” written all over it.

Whoah! New Moon is making  box office history! The biggest opening of all time?!! Beating out the Dark Night?! Start boarding the doors and windows because this movie is turning people into mindless zombies with horrible taste in movies!!  I knew it! Wow, I must say It is a sad day in the world with news like this…

This what was reported Zap 2 It just reported:

 “Twilight: New Moon” has surpassed “The Dark Knight” to have the most successful opening day at the box office ever, earning $72.7 million.

It hardly comes as a surprise, considering “New Moon” took in a record-setting $26 million at its midnight showings Thursday night. However, the $72 million on opening day absolutely smashed the previous record of $67 million, held by “The Dark Knight.”

It will be interesting to see what “New Moon” does to the three-day weekend numbers of “The Dark Knight,” which earned $158.4 million its first box office weekend. Critics have not been kind to “New Moon,” but we don’t think it will effect the numbers too much.

“New Moon” has doubled the $36 million opening day take for “Twilight” from a year ago. If this trend continues, “Breaking Dawn” will open to almost $290 million in one

The ironing is delicious, as Bart Simpson once said. Here I am, carping about people who don’t get their facts straight, and I go and make the same mistake myself. I’ve been telling people all day that Roland Emmerich’s 2012 was written by two Germans. However, Emmerich’s co-writer, Harald Kloser, is Austrian. Oh, the indignity! I hang my head in shame.

Why am I writing about 2012, which I had the misfortune to sit through yesterday? Well, while it isn’t a horror movie, it most certainly is capable of instilling horror in the poor viewer. But not in a way the filmmakers intended.

In its own empty-headed way, 2012 is far more reprehensible than even the most morally dubious horror movie could ever be. The message seems to be that as long as we see global mayhem from a distance, in slow motion and aided by an elegiac orchestral score, this is good, clean spectacle. And I’m fine with that. 2012 isn’t competent enough, story wise, to provoke indignity. But I’ll bet dollars to doughnuts that a lot of the viewers who lap up this dehumanizing carnage, would sniff at the tactile, direct, brutally honest approach of a good horror movie. Because that stuff’s for sickos and pervs, right? Like that Nutsferatu guy over at OP-dEaD. Let’s just watch a toppling St. John’s Basilica grind people to a fine paste and enjoy the ride. Hypocrites.

“The two-hour-and-40-minute 2012 is overstuffed with special-effects set-pieces, but the Curtis family’s mad dash out of town is the closest the movie gets to actually being fun, if only because it’s easier to relate to a man navigating bad traffic than one trying to outrun a newly formed volcano.”

– Chuck Wilson, The Village Voice. (Read his full review here.)

I agree. That sequence, in which Los Angeles goes up in cataclysmic smoke, really is the balls. Otherwise, 2012 is crud. Seriously, if you’ve seen the trailer, the movie has nothing more to offer. Nada. El zilcho. Bupkis. In fact, it’s even more emotionally hollow than you might have feared. The talented cast give it their all, but when the last shred of momentum is lost about halfway through, you have to sit there for 75 more minutes and watch everybody perform CPR on the dead material. Eventually, even the grand special effects become dull, and that takes some doing.

My major beef is with the sloppy storytelling. Are we expected to be so distracted by the wholesale destruction so as not to notice the glitches in the script? Example: A woman thanks her limo driver ex-husband for bringing the kids home early from a camping trip, only for a waiting client to call and criticize him for being late—in the same scene! Yeesh! The dialogue is horrendous, the heavy-handed symbolism is enough to give you bruises, and much of the humor is just plain terrible. At one point, a couple behind me actually laughed and clapped at one of the jokes. Yes, mankind is doomed, but not because of shifting tectonic plates. It might seem we’re doomed because of our rock-bottom standards.

Oh well, at least I still had a nice night out with friends.

But you know what? Raking 2012 over the coals has left me feeling kind of dirty and grumpy. I need something to help cleanse my mental palate. I need something a little more sophisticated and refined. The night is still youngish, and I think I’ll go and watch something with zombies tearing people limb from limb.

Toodle-oo!

My day job is teaching Bible to public High School students. For a bonus on my Old Testament exam I asked my students to give their “top 10 reasons why Twilight is stupid” in honor of the release of New Moon today. Here are some of the best responses:

> Vampires don’t need to drive cars

> Bella is in love with a dead guy and a dog

> Edward is a pedophile

> Edward can’t decide if he wants to eat Bella or love her

> Edward is still going to High School for some reason

> Only a girl would think it’s cool that a vampire sparkles

> Stalkers don’t usually make great boyfriends

And my personal favorite…

> Edward is in love with his food…what if you loved a hamburger, people would think you were crazy

Got any more?

Meanwhile, check out some of Douglas Wilson’s serious commentary with Twilight.

Oh, and please tell me you clicked the New Moon link above…just do it.

So the big deal all around the world is that New Moon, the sequel to Twilight (like anyone doesn’t know that) is opening this week. Everyone seems to be losing their damn minds over this! My question, what is wrong with everyone?!! Twilight was hands down the WORST vampire movie I have ever seen! It had all the ingredients for the the ultimate shit-fest which is quite an accomplishment really. Terrible acting, an ultra boring story, super incredibly lame vampires that didn’t even have fangs and sparkled, irritating teenagers and terrible unthreatening vampire villains who probably work at Hot Topic on their off-time. But still people seem to think that movie was somehow epic! 

Has the general public ever even seen a real vampire movie?! ’30 Days of Night’ was shown in theaters right? Have people never seen Fright Night or Near Dark? I would understand if this series was just popular with teenage girls and guys that may think Robert Pattinson is the bee knees but grown men and women are pumped up for this crap-tastic vampire romance!  I’ve heard they are going to have lots of werewolves in this one, I am sure they will find some new way to make werewolves suck even more than vampires!

I am convinced that the first movie had some sort of subliminal messages encoded in it to make you keep watching even though you knew that what you were watching was actually making you less intelligent and damaging your brain. That was what I myself was baffled at. I actually sat through the whole damn movie. From start to FINISH! You know how many movies I watch about 15 minutes of and then eject from the DVD player that are twenty times better than Twilight? Countless! But some how I could not stop watching Twilight, even knowing how many brain cells I was losing just by viewing it! The movie didn’t even suck in a good way! Someone please explain this to me. Am I going to wake up standing in line, waiting to see New Moon this week?

 I am convinced that Hollywood has figured out a way to get people addicted to shitty movies that they’re are not actually enjoying watching. They had me watching Twilight on my couch like a zombie. So now I know the danger of seeing New Moon, this sequel would most likely leave me comatose and perhaps could actually start a real life zombie epidemic all around the world….. 

There’s proof that this movie’s got lame werewolves in it too!

I thought Jigsaw died in the 5th movie !??? I loved the first 3 … but how many times can you really milk the story? Come on people – where is the originality? This movie runs 120 minutes. I give this a thumbs-down ALL the way.

That’s right, I said it, I hate it.  It just doesn’t seem right, and its way overhyped.  But, I’m getting ahead of myself…

So, the other day, I was reading an entrainment magazine.  Now, before you tell me, “what more should I expect from them?”, I would like to say that there are a lot of great reviews in there.  Now, I don’t mind an article on what movies are going to come out for a specific movie season.  Actually, I consider it a little like the pre-season for football.

What got under my skin was the fact that they were already talking about who was the most likely to win which Oscar.  I can’t believe that there are movies that haven’t even come out, that haven’t been measured and weighed by the general populus, that are considered front-runners.  Call me crazy, but I do think that public opinion does carry some weight in this conversation.

Let tell you a little about a movie from a couple of years ago.  It starred a major Hollywood star, that had just come off of a string of massive hits.  Not only was there one star, but I line up of many other Hollywood A-listers and legends in the genre of the film.  The writing included timely and classic pop culture references, and there we plenty of plot twist.  It had a huge budget, special effects, and was set to be a massive  hit.  That movie:  The Adventure of Pluto Nash. 

Yep, when that movie hit the main stream, it stunk so bad that I think it brought other movies down in its wake.  Oh, and if you haven’t heard, this is often listed in the top 10 worst movies of all time.  So, let’s see what the public thinks, we might just be surprised.  So until then, let’s keep the Oscar prognosticating to a minimum.

Thir13en Ghosts (2001)
★ / ★★★★

I decided to revisit this movie because it scared me when I saw it back in middle school. Directed by Steve Beck, “Thir13en Ghosts” was a mess in every sense of the word. A father (Tony Shalhoub), his two kids and the nanny (Rah Digga) were invited to visit a home they inherited from an uncle (F. Murray Abraham) who dedicated his life collecting spirits. Not knowing that there were ghosts locked up in a basement of a mansion made out of glass, the family decided to visit, along with a psychic (Matthew Lillard) and a man (JR Bourne) who let the family know about the inheritance. This movie did not make sense to me. It spent about half of its running time showing the characters walking around the place and arguing. It quickly got annoying because it didn’t help the story to get anywhere near interesting. In fact, I really wanted the ghosts to escape their respective cells and start killing off the characters because maybe then they’d stop arguing and finally face the mission at hand. I was astounded that there were twelve very interesting ghosts (various methods of scaring and killing their victims, for instance) but the audiences never really get to know them other than their names. Some of them were obviously angry and were prone to attack anyone, while some of them looked more sad and just stayed in one corner. It made me wonder about their varying reactions to their visitors. The “scary” scenes were aided by a booming soundtrack so I didn’t find it to be truly scary. The violent scenes might have been gory and kinetic but my actions of flinching and looking away had nothing to do with genuine fear that is requisite of truly chilling horror pictures. If the movie didn’t take itself too seriously, it might have worked in some angle. There were some lines voiced out by the nanny that were very amusing but none of it was enough to save this sinking ship. If Beck spent more of his time actually helming the suspense instead of the violence and loud sountrack, this definitely would have been a rewarding experience. Instead, the audiences unjustly got a movie with loud barks and no bite.

So, how did I spend my Friday the 13th? I watched a Friday the 13th movie, of course! (I know, I’m so predictable.) The fifth entry, A New Beginning, was my choice for the evening. You might remember that I ranked this guilty pleasure as number ten in the series, but that doesn’t make it unwatchable … even though the acting is uneven enough to make you seasick, the story is bad, the dialogue is worse, the picture has the flat look of a TV movie, and a Jason impostor is committing all the murders.

Reggie (Shavar Ross) is clearly thrilled to see Pam.

Aside from the entertainment value, we can also learn useful people skills from bad horror movies. Like how to make your presence known. Pay close attention, folks—this is important. If it’s a dark and stormy night, you’re out in the middle of nowhere, and people have begun to disappear, don’t honk your horn when you get back to the house. Also, don’t call out as you enter, don’t jingle your keys, and make sure to close the door as softly as possible behind you. Then, walk around on tippy-toe, and climb the stairs without emitting so much as the faintest creak. (This can be tricky if you’re wearing boots like Melanie Kinnaman’s Pam, but she proves that it can be done!) When you finally come across someone, don’t say “Hello” or “There you are” or “Where’s everybody else?” In fact, don’t say a word. Instead, after having made sure that they haven’t seen you yet, slap your hand down on their shoulder. If you’re a counselor of some kind, at a halfway house for severely troubled teens, this approach is even more advisable. So there you have it. No need to thank me.

"What is it, Reggie? It’s Pam. What’s the matter? What’s the matter? It’s me! What is it? What is it?"

Note: Let me just point out that we don’t see Pam until she appears by Reggie’s side upstairs. Her silent progress through yard and house is purely out of my imagination. But that’s how it must have gone down, right, for her to suddenly be standing there?

This 1983 Australian classic features hurl worthy stunts, freakishly bad hair, laughable graphics and a horrifically costumed 16 year old Nicole Kidman. What more could you ask?

Film Junk’s homage HERE

I had no idea what I was going to write about this week until my brother sent me the following link via the technological wonder that is AOL Instant Messenger.

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news/15573/three-geriatric-men-and-an-ex-baby-

Yes, it’s exactly what it looks like – Ted Danson, Tom Selleck and Steve Guttenberg are in talks to star in a third Three Men and a Baby film.

I’ll give you a moment to sit back down in your chair.

I kid, of course – there are exactly 3 people who are excited by this news – Steve Guttenberg, Steve Guttenberg’s agent and my mom – who’s been in love with Tom Selleck since 1980. (And really who wouldn’t be infatuated – awesome PI job in Hawaii, sweet car, a mustache as thick as the verdant rainforests of Madagascar).

In case you don’t remember the original film, or its sequel Three Men and a Little Lady – which is entirely possible – the movies centered around three men who had been banging the same chick and then one of them knocked her up, but she didn’t know who because she was a gigantic ho. This, obviously, is much like plot of the long running sitcom My Two Dads, except the mom on that show only gave two dudes Chlamydia.  In the new film, these three bachelors would be planning their daughter’s wedding.

Can you imagine how many people they’d have to invite?  You’d have to invite the family of all three dads, plus the mom’s family, plus the groom’s family, plus the entire casts of Cocoon, Cheers and Quigley Down Under.  What an effing mess.

And why wouldn’t they all have gone on Maury at some point in the last 20 years and have a paternity test done?  It would have saved everyone a lot of time and the caterer a lot of plates.  Incidentally, I bet ten bucks that all three dads order the fish.  (Ignore the whole Maury thing, btw – my fiancee, who is my censor/spiritual advisor for this blog and actually remembers these films, informs me that Ted Danson is officially the baby daddy, which makes the whole thing weirder and more stupid.)

This movie – if it’s ever made – will be just another example of Hollywood foisting an unwanted and unneeded sequel upon the American populous.  Do we really need another Saw movie?  Did we need four Fast and Furious movies? Do we really need another Ghostbusters? I just read that they are making a third one of those, too.

I’m gravely concerned about this last possibility.  I loved the Ghostbuster movies.  Loved them.  And I’m convinced that any new Ghostbusters film will be awful and destroy my fond memories – a phenomenon I’m going to dub the Crystal Skull Effect.  I’m still pissed about the Crystal Skull  – the fourth installment of what was once my favorite movie trilogy, Indiana Jones – and will forever hold George Lucas and Shia Labeouf ( who, disappointingly is no way related to Sabrina Le Beauf) responsible for destroying  a great franchise. It was easily the single most disappointing film I’ve ever seen (and I was a TA for four different film 101 classes while I was in grad school – trust me when I say I’ve seen a lot of disappointing films).

What I’m saying is this – if Harrison Ford can’t pull off playing Indiana Jones anymore, what hope does Bill Murray have to play Peter Venkman?  What hope does Slimer have?

Does anyone really think Steve Gutenberg can succeed where Han Solo can’t?

Yes, I realize that Halloween is past, but I am behind on my Netflix queue, and the shitshow that is “Drag Me to Hell” was, therefore in my DVD player last night.

Gabs and I had a fantastic dinner and then curled up in bed for what we thought was to be a nice little creepout before we turned in on this Tuesday night. Annnnd - NO. Creepfest was NOT what we got. This movie somehow blurred the lines between an intriguing and disturbing story of a Gypsy curse and a damn parody written by the Wayans folk.

Here is a clip:

Terrible.

Caro and I even discussed on gchat:

caroline.calvillo: hey
so
drag me to hell
what the dealio
me: horrid
just sooo bad
caroline.calvillo: i saw the footage of the corpse vomiting into the girls face/mouth and it was awful
me: EXACTLY
it was almost like a parady at points
*parody
caroline.calvillo: interesting
I thought about watching it
because
you know, corpses don’t do that
me: LMAO
no, they don’t.
caroline.calvillo: so I was intrigued
lol
me: it was terrible.

So, bottom line, stay away from it.  Not even cutie Mac Guy, Justin Long could save this trash.

XOXO,
Teri Ann Hagen, Part-Time Movie Critic

Do you not know what Megafault is?  Don’t worry.  Until this morning, neither did I, but now I do, and it’s time to spread the gospel.  People, this is Megafault:

Without so much as a trailer, the first thing that occurred to me was that I really need to put Brittany Murphy on Google alert.  Between this and The Ramen Girl, I’m beginning to suspect that any movie starring Brittany Murphy is a film destined bad movie excellence. Coming from the producers that brought us Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and originally airing on SyFy are just shitshow icing on the train wreck cake.  Seriously, I need only this bargain bin DVD cover to know that this movie’s destined for greatness.

Of course, saying that would discount the Megafault trailer, which is a whole new realm of terrible I never actually believed attainable:

Erm.  Wow.  Just wow.  

There are bad B-movies, and there are deliberately bad B-movies, and then there’s the totally scientifically plausible movie about a massive fault that threatens to rip the world in half that stars a rather haggard looking Brittany Murphy and features this quip:

What’re you gonna do?  Declare war on an earthquake?

Basically what I’m saying is that Megafault is a profound work of art.  And the work of a serious auteur:

Et tu, 2012?

Please enjoy this moment from The Galaxy Invader, an extremely craptastic piece of cinema from 1985 and one of my personal favorite bad movies.

I believe there are usually redeeming features in most movies, sometimes you really have to search for them but they are there.  ”Kingdom of Heaven” is one of those movies that I struggle to find one.   In all the ancient war movies like “Gladiator & 300″, this one doesn’t hold a candle to them.  I found an article that pretty thoroughly points to the flaws in this film.

“Kingdom of Heaven” Sought to Be an Epic Film, But Became a Disaster in Production

By Ed Bagley

Kingdom of Heaven – 1 Star (Terrible)

Unfortunately for the “Kingdom of Heaven”, what started out as an ambitious epic film about a little known time in history, became an almost disaster at its release and was only average at best. There is enough blame to spread around.

First, there is a reason why the immortal “Gone with the Wind”, which involved a turbulent love affair in the American south during the Civil War and Reconstruction, took almost 4 hours to see. You apparently cannot make a quality, classic film about the Civil War in less time. Ken Burns’ acclaimed documentary film “The Civil War” consisted of 9 episodes and took 11 hours to view.

Second, there may be a market for a film in the Middle Ages about the Christian Crusades, a series of military expeditions by Europeans to recover the Holy Land from the Muslims in the 11th, 12th and 13th Centuries. That market, regrettably, is very small compared to an epic about the Civil War, World War I or World War II.

Third, when 3-time, Best Director Oscar-nominee Ridley Scott (“Black Hawk Down”, “Gladiator” and “Thelma and Louise”) presented the film to the studio at 194 minutes (3 hours and 14 minutes), the studio execs demanded that it be cut to two hours, believing that moviegoers would not sit through a 3-hour film.

This proved to be a critical mistake in judgment. It was nearly impossible for Scott to tell the Kingdom of Heaven story in 2 hours, and when the movie received really mixed reviews and proved to be a financial disappointment in the United States, the error was clearly noticeable.

Fourth, not only was this film to be an epic story, its production cost was enormous. Most of the filming was in Morocco, and Mohammad VI, King of Morocco, provided 1,500 of his military personnel with accompanying equipment to help in the filming.

In addition, there were apparently 15,000 handmade costumes for the film that also required helmets, boots, gloves, chainmail, belts and scabbards. The flag budget for the film was $250,000. There were 7,500 weapons, 3,000 shields and 20,000 arrows used in the film. In one scene alone, there were 143 extras, 60 military personnel, 125 horses and 60 camels.

A massive replica of Jerusalem was constructed in the Sahara Desert, containing 28,000 square meters of wall that required 6,000 tons of plaster. The front set was 1,200 feet long and the walls were 56 feet tall. Good grief.

Fifth, writer William Monahan’s first draft of the script was 186 pages. Executive producer Lisa Ellzey thought Fox would never approve the script because of its length, so she cut it to only 20 pages before submitting it.

Sixth, Orlando Bloom was not ready to play the leading role as Balian of Ibelin, and his performance did not reflect the kind of command and presence necessary to pull it off.

Seventh, I had great difficulty as a moviegoer following the story as its presentation required much more help in context, or from a narrator, to understand what was happening when and why it was important.

Eighth, the sound in the film was terrible. There were times when it was impossible to understand the dialog and, without this essential element, there is no way the film would be rated good by my standards. Sound is too basic of a need to succeed and, when it goes unnoticed because it is well done, it is not an issue.

Ninth, this whole project was sad from start to finish. What could have become a good film could not overcome the obstacles along the way. Two bright spots in the film were the performances of Liam Neeson as Godfrey de Ibelin and Ghassan Massoud as Saladin, the great Muslim leader.

In his quest to be noble, Liam Neeson was able to deliver this dialog as Godfrey de Ibelin: “Be without fear in the face of our enemies. Be brave and upright that God may love thee. Speak the truth always, even if it leads to your death. Safeguard the helpless and do no wrong. That is your oath.” (Spoken to his son, Balian, when making him a knight.)

History records that Saladin and his Muslim troops did recapture Jerusalem after defeating the King of Jerusalem at the Battle of Hattin near the Lake of Galilee. When Saladin’s soldiers enter the City of Jerusalem, they were not allowed to kill civilians, rob people, or damage the city.

In many ways, the Muslims come out looking better than the Christians in Kingdom of Heaven, and historically, they were.

Copyright © 2009 Ed Bagley

Read more of my movie reviews on films with a lot of substance, depth and feeling, including:

“A Christmas Story”
“My Big Fat Greek Wedding”
“Secondhand Lions”
“The Chorus (Les Choristes in French)”
“Waking Ned Devine”
“Chariots of Fire”

These are all excellent films that can make you smile, laugh, cry and feel better for the experience. Don’t just live life, experience life at its best.

For my more sensitive, feminine readers, read my salute to Audrey Hepburn:
” Pardon Me, I Am Gushing Again About Hollywood’s Incomparable Actress: Audrey Hepburn – She Was Grace and Humility Personified”

For my more tough, masculine readers, read my salute to the Spaghetti Westerns:
“A Fistful of Dollars” Started Sergio Leone’s Masterpiece Trilogy of Spaghetti Westerns”
“For a Few Dollars More” Establishes Leone As a Master of Creating Emotion”
“The Good, The Bad and the Ugly” Ends Sergio Leone’s Spaghetti Western Trilogy”

Also for both guys and gals, piracy and romance in:
“Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl” with Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow.
“Pirates of the Caribbean: “Dead Man’s Chest” with Johnny Depp as the perfect pirate.
“Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” with Johnny Depp.

Find my articles at:
http://www.edbagleyblog.com
http://www.edbagleyblog.com/MovieReviews.html

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Ed_Bagley

This 7th Planet Zen Moment brought to you by The Philippines.

The other day, I posted some Friar-O-Lantern cartoons.   One made a reference to 2001 Space Odyssey:

Well, last night, after the trick-or-treating was done and his kids in bed, Brett came over, and he brought over a real-life version.

Best.    Friar-O-Lantern.  Ever.

Well done, Brett.     (He even got the quote right).  Eyeteaguy will be proud.

It was the perfect accessory to our decadent evening of beer,  Zesty-Mordant Nachos,  left-over candy and a bad Zombie movie.

Wow. This movie was painfully bad. There are many reasons why, here’s a few of them:

-Brendan Fraiser. Does this guy even try any more?

-No chemistry between the son and that ninja girl, yet they were supposed to have witty banter apparently.

-So he has a kid in college now, but hasn’t aged? Like, at all?

-Painfully long and unoriginal action scenes.

- Many, many more.

Overall, awful movie.

1/10