I had my ultrasound scan today. I hate hospitals – I really do. The last time I was in a hospital was when I had to have my tonsil out – yes, that’s right, tonsil, singular. It had decided to branch out and mutate into a rather strange shape which caused the words ‘cancer’ and ‘lymphoma’ to be mentioned during several doctors visits. You can safely assume I didn’t have either of these things though. I was however, pretty embarrassed upon discovering four days (and copious visitors) after my operation, that the arrow drawn on my neck to make sure they removed the correct tonsil had not been removed yet….wow. So there I am nodding away (it is near impossible to talk after having a tonsil removed but I still managed to eat a lot – it makes for a speedy recovery…either that or I am just a greedy bitch) and they are clearly wondering why I havent had a sodding wash yet!!!! Of course I had but having not looked into any mirrors (for fear of breaking them) I didn’t even realise I HAD an arrow on my neck – had I realised I would have braved the pain of rubbing my neck and removed said arrow. Thanks go to mum for that. So yes, I felt the need, after extreme amounts of pain in my foot due to a rather large lump around christmas time to get it checked out finally – Id had it eight months up to then. After rescheduling my ultrasound a few times to fit around uni I finally got my appointment and went today. I have, in recent months, taken to calling the lump, my ‘alien foot baby’. I’ve grown rather attached to it, even if it does sometimes give me jip. Anyway, the ultrasound – conducted by a rather lovely, but not my type, Welsh doctor – revealed…nothing. He couldn’t find anything there. He felt the lump but couldn’t see it on the screen. No ligament or tendon damage, nothing, zilch, zero, NADA. He suggested if it flairs up again I should go back and have another scan, so we’ll see but for now I will have to put up with the sometimes painful but mostly just noticeable funny feeling in my heel. It was weird-looking at it on the screen, I could see my tendons and stuff – all liney but beyond that it just looked a bit like grey jelly might if you shoved a camera inside it at night, all sort of blotchy. I was impressed with the old ultrasound department though. I went in 5 minutes after I got there was only actually in the building for about 30 minutes or so. I did get time to notice a chart that had the number of C. Diff and MRSA cases throughout the last year on it. 2 MRSA but rather a lot (or it seemed like a lot to me) of C. Diff. cases – between 3-8 per month. I didn’t fancy getting that, so I didn’t touch anything at all. Euch!  I don’t know why I always get strange medical things happen to me. My mother aptly put it as my extra terrestrial side trying to get out. I can’t say im inclined to disagree.

Talking about my mother. She rather joyfully embarrassed me today – she is getting worryingly good that this lately. We were at a picnic for a friend’s birthday – a spectacularly sunny day and very suitable for lazing in the park in good company. Anyway, we got to talking about tea and my mum mentioned a tea called ‘Mate’. Turns out this is pronounced Maa-te. In order to describe her previous confusion over this pronunciation whilst in the tea shop, my mum went on to outline a story about how she had said to my brother that perhaps they should purchase some for me, given that it might be useful for attracting a ‘mate’ – in the pro-creation sense. Oh joy! A bunch of people I never met, mixed in with a few who will have understood my withering look, are now fully aware of my enduring singledom, in the most embarrassing way possible. I have been single for so long, my mother thought it would be a good idea to buy me a TEA that might attract someone to me. I need to get laid and fast because if I don’t, I fear that she will soon be returning from trips, with presents along the lines of Indian sex charms and books entitled, ‘How to Attract a Man, Now’ or ‘You’re Getting On, Time To Get Laid’. It’s no secret in my family that I am the eternal single girl. In fact, when spreading the news of the conception of my older brothers imminent first child (my brother, who denied for YEARS he was ever to have children), everyone deferred their assumptions to my younger brother. Thinking that if my older brother was so adamant he wasnt going to have any children, it must be a slip up on the part of my younger brother that’s making my mother a grandparent (almost equally as embarrassing but consoling due to the fact that he actually is getting some) because ‘Ellie hasnt had sex in years!!’ Feel free to insert embarrassed and frustrated groans here. Naturally my family assume this because I havent had a boyfriend in years and they don’t appear to see me as a slapper, an assumption I am grateful for but still, not a single one thought that maybe, just maybe I had gotten lucky. Not that I actually want them to spend time thinking about this by the way – that would be weird and very very creepy!

Perhaps after I have posted this I might regret telling you but I’ll try to remind myself that out of my misery, perhaps some of you might raise a smile and laugh, if not with me, at least at me, brightening your day just a little. It’s safe to say Carrie Bradshaw never had this problem during a dry spell. It’s not much of a consolation to be fair but its the only one I’ve got…I dont own a vibrator.

Ellie xxxx

I wonder if she saw this coming?

You’d think somewhere between concept and production someone would have picked up on this one….

Also,

This is why people think blondes are dumb.

you’d think someone would have told her to tone down the lip liner a bit.

And,

you know this guy didn’t get so tan overnight, so why make no effort to even this out a bit?

Basically one can only conclude that *drum roll* people are dumb.