As I continue to count down until tomorrow night, I look back on this weekend.  Kristin and me broke up, although technically we’re “taking a break” which means the same thing.  It was another instance of me being too distant and me dating someone who was clingier than I was.  This is the second time in a row that I’ve done this.  I either need to find someone who is not as clingy or someone who I would want to work hard to change how distant I am.  I miss dating Melissa because even though she could be clingy as hell, I loved her and I wanted to make her happy so I worked hard to express my feelings and keep in contact with her.  Lets hope the future brings better things.

I did not go on the trip Saturday, all because of one person: John.  Because of him I stood outside my room for an hour in my towel and knocked on the door until Craig woke up and let me in.  I cannot wait until he is gone forever.  Although on the plus side he was gone for most of the weekend so me and Craig hung out.  We also watched Bleach for the first time and that was trippy as hell.

I cannot believe that its Thanksgiving already, the school year has flown by so fast.  It seems so weird to look back on move in day, orientation, and those first couple days of school.  It was like another life that has long since left me.  When we come back from break we only have two weeks of classes before finals and then I’m off for a month.

Looking forward

Drew

A strange month. Worst weekend ever. Well, a bad one.

Broken hearts, hours of consoling and pulling a suicidal girl off the road nearly getting killed myself. Absolute trauma. Accusations, inclinations. Hurting others, being hurt by others. Breakups, break-downs.

Too much alcohol. Being someone I am ashamed of. Life is a roller-coaster, everything cracked on the way down this time. I was doing so well – I shouldn’t have let it happen but well, I did and I fell.

I am strong, I am dedicated. I will fix me. You are strong. I have faith in you, you and you.

Apparently time heals all. Well let me tell you – that is bullshit.

Time helps with healing, especially with what doesn’t seem so trivial but in reality will later be laughed about. It helps to heal a lot. We all hurt, but time is all we’ve got.

No judgment, no justifications, no excuses, no regrets – only lessons. Lessons.

but in this moment, nothing seems to work..

I hate girls

Seriously

I’m bored, there’s no alcohol, there’s drama with Kristin, and I still have to freaking call Hanny about stupid shit

Fuck

At least I’ll be gone all day tomorrow

Drew

Even or maybe because of  the current economic downturn, the demand for talent remains high on the list of organisations’ concerns.  What is often missed is that those organisations that move now, taking advantage of others misfortune are most likely to thrive in any emerging new economy.

In short, now is the time to innovate your recruitment processes, embrace the new and potential ‘game changing’ solutions that will drive your business forward.  The employment market has moved from a scarcity of good candidates last year to a situation where there is an abundance of candidates in a very short space of time.  Those ‘passive’ candidates that people like me would hunt down are sitting tight, waiting for the large redundancy payment or not keen to move to an untested new employer.

So my thoughts… organisations need to take stock now, assess their requirements, look at the potential to invest in candidates that would otherwise not be available in the market but at the same time adjust their recruitment approach to ensure they investing in the wrong areas.

Organisations that invest now can take advantage of the fact there is less competition for that good talent, sure it is more difficult to help candidates make that move but that is where recruitment professionals like me can help.  Investing in my time now will reap dividends when you scale up as we emerge out of recession.

To talk more about this or any other people related topic contact Martin Dangerfield either on 0161 955 3647 or email martin.dangerfield@mckinleyresource.com.  As well as being a Regional Director for the IRP Martin is Director of the innovative search business mckinley|resource, a freelance people consultant specialising in talent attraction, assessment and recruitment and a provider of business coaching for high growth entrepreneurial organisations.

Search for ‘People Consultant’ or go straight to www.martindangerfield.com

I guess things will keep happening this way to me, it’s scaring me how easy it is to pretend. I don’t know what to say if you asked me whether I was alright. Like… it never happened.

handmade by yours truly!

As a fashionista, I always pride myself in showing up late, fashionably, of course. Dressed to the nines, featuring a BCBG wool dress with a  tail pinned to it, a handmade mask, bunny shoes, and my favorite thigh high leg warmers, I was a toasty addition to the party of everything from a stewardess, Lady GaGa, Snow White, and cross dressing men, showing exactly how terrible Uni boob really is, and some poor boy attached to a horse costume. Entering the party on the later side, I missed my usual carousing with the drunken boys I am familiar with, and found myself engulfed by family and friends that were neither my friends or my family. Needless to say, feeling out of place, considering I only knew a few of the people, and all of them not well, I was immediately glommed onto by what I would consider the most slimy of gentlemen, and I am using that term lightly. This particular gentleman struck me so much as a car sales person, I couldn’t help but wonder if that was his costume, considering he was wearing a just ill fitting suit and tie. Since I had no romantic inclinations, I tried to dodge him the rest of the evening, but everywhere I turned, bam. There he was in my grill. At the end of the evening for me, this poor gentleman makes the worst mistake ever: has one of his girlfriends approach me for my number. So unclassy it hurts. At this point, I am irritated, not in the slightest bit tipsy, and very grateful I live just two blocks away. I bid adieu to  my hosts, and wish her family and friends a safe Halloween, and headed for the door. Bam. Again. Now the bastard wants to try to guilt me out of my number by asking well, how am I supposed to see you again? I simply said chance. If it is meant to be, we will see each other again. But since I have control over the situation, it won’t be anytime soon or intentional. I felt rude, and flushed from saying something so heinous to someone else, but I felt the colder I was about it, the less likely he’ll keep up the efforts to win me over. Fortunately, it worked this time. The poor dear went off with his tail between his legs.

To make the hook up scene worse, the hostess’ husband kept on trying to tell me how much more wonderful my life would be with a man in my life. Being at the moment a devout singleton, I had to give the “oh, brother, how confused are you” look to the guy, and tried one last time to explain that if you are lonely because you have no one to “share your life with” typically means you live an unfulfilling life not worth sharing with anyone. Managing to fail to penetrate his alcohol laden skull, he tries to hook me up with two of his brothers, neither one catching my interest. After all this, I decide it is high time to leave.

So all in all, my Halloween was hi jacked by a not so great party highlighted by crappy costumes, girls complaining about how poorly their shoes fit (suckers, i tell them where to get good shoes, and they try to defend Nine West. Nine West has terrible shoes, really.), nasty looking desserts and snacks (kitty litter cake, with brownie poo. not the best to look at, and a culinary shamble), terribly behaved men, and some really awesome decorations. The hostess was fabulous too. Next year, it’s off to wherever the most people flock to… no more house parties with strangers with candy.

Skype isn’t amazing, decided to try it as my flat mate uses it…but no one i know has it…everyone i would talk too is either easier to talk face to face to or just ring up anyway. I’ll keep it for kicks and banter but probably never use it. If anyone fancies a chat add me (rosswaide) and see how it goes. Dirty voices allowed.

Had a really productive day, cracked out 3 applications a good CV and a great covering letter. Hopefully i will get a few more interviews to go on, feeling a lot more confident after being viciously rejected from Grant Thornton just because she was stupid, well she wasn’t i felt a little hard done by as i have all the credentials and answered well.

Tomorrow it’s back to Uni then going to a steady stroll in the evening i imagine, just to relax.

So far I’ve filled in 3 job applications. It’s taken me 4 hours, I’m fully depressed and i’ve got no where. 3 App’s for thing’s I’m not sure i wan’t to do any of these things.  I’m having to look for summer placements when I want year placements. All the same questions, worded slightly differently so you have to research everything all over again.  RAGE.

On top of that my laptop has started dying. Massively over heating and crashing every so often. This blog is not enough of a distraction, I’m off to row my boat.

Grrrr

The illness i developed yesterday has taken my voice hostage. And the tendon that runs down my back of my ankle has seized up again so i can’t walk properly.

I was hoping to go to the milkshake shop again and get another Oreo milkshake, but i don’t think i’ll be leaving the house at all today. In fact, i don’t think i’ll be leaving my room much today.

If someone could just go and get me an Oreo milkshake and some real Oreos, then that’d be magical, but noone who reads this lives close enough.

I’m all stoked up on Lemsip and Ibruprofen and i’m gonna go make some lunch and watch Rock n Roll Nerd. I don’t think much work will be achieved today.

♥

I got a letter yesterday from my health insurance stating that they are no longer covering my Dexcom sensors, starting from August. I was confused because they’ve covered them in the past. Based on the code they listed, I assumed I had hit my DME cap for the year (this was my first full year on the sensors) and would need to appeal.

However, after spending 1 hour talking to 5 reps, I found out that the health insurance has randomly decided they are “disposable” since I throw them out after 7 days and they don’t cover “disposables”.  I imagine that “disposables” is intended to cover things like alcohol wipes and cotton balls, which they should rightly not cover.  However, 7 days is hardly “disposable”.

Edgepark (the company that provides the sensors) is already working it and their argument is that they’re not considered “disposable” since they are used in conjunction with a Durable Medical Equipment (the receiver).

I won’t know anything for at least 5 business days, but it is good to know that Edgepark is trying to regain my coverage.  I really cannot afford to either a) pay full price for the sensors or b) limit my use of them to every other week or similar.  I just hope this gets straightened out.

The weekend was a lot of fun, I only had one class Friday and then I got to see a lot of my friends that night at the play.  The play was really good and really funny and Kristin did a great job in it.  We went back to Abel’s house to watch a movie and it was so nice to be in the company of my friends again.  I also noticed that it was the first time that Anderson and Jess were holding hands and stuff in front of me.  Although I haven’t seen both of them in a long time, so they probably have been doing that the whole time.  But having a better relationship with Anderson probably has something to do with it.  The next day I spent pretty much the whole day with my friends and I didn’t want the day to end.

But then I get to the confusing part.  Kristin asked me a couple days ago to become engaged on Facebook, which would make us more legit.  Then after the show she was telling me while everyone else was around about how she was researching getting an apartment with a studio in it.  It seems like she has all of a sudden become really attached to me, and that this is going to be a very successful long term relationship.  I have to question this because of how quickly it changed, early this week she asked me if I was still interested in being in a relationship, and when I called her later that week we didn’t really talk about much.  I will admit that it was nice coming home to someone who is definitely going to care about you, but I think this is moving a little fast, especially with me being here at college.  The other problem is that most of my friends think I’m crazy.  Anderson has told me a few times that I’m insane, and him and Abel asked me how I could possibly get turned on by her.  They also assume that I’m in it for sex, and that we have sex all the time.  Last night Mick called and pretended to be Kristin, and while I admit that it was amusing, it was hard knowing that my girlfriend is hated by so many people.  Although I have to give them some credit, they’ve been through a lot with Kristin, especially Mick and Anderson and they have every right to hold grudges, but it still doesn’t make me feel any better.

I’m going to try to go back to Ultimate again this week, my cough is gradually getting better and I’m not blowing my nose as much.  I’ll still have to take it easier than I’m used to.  I’m doubting that I should go back to the gym also this week, I think that might be too much at once and I’ll just get run down again.

I also called Dr. Wally finally, and I need to motivate myself to call them back again.  I received the disheartening news that his schedule doesn’t open up until early December.  It sucks having only one counselor here on campus, it would be so much easier if there was more than one.

Here’s hoping that I can make it through the week ok.

Drew

Welcome to my blog peoples! It’s been nearly a year since I last used this thing so I’ve cleaned it all up so I can start blogging again.

I’m not a huge blogger, i don’t seem to have the time but it will be good for my ‘Social Network’ so i though i would update mine. To start off i’ll tell you about my day today. It was dull.

Really dull, since 10am this morning until now (nearly 7pm) I’ve been working flat out doing my uni work, interview preparation, small amount of revision and household stuff. It was exceptionally dull.

Tomorrow should be better, i have no work, a full compliment of clean clothes, food (YES FOOD) and a meet up with my sister planned. On top of all that crazy amazing stuff my lush girlfriend get’s back from Rugby tomorrow so i get to cuddle up to her.

All in a days work.

The most useful thing i did today was find out A-trak’s remix of Heads Will Roll is amazing. Been on repeat since 4pm.

Later guys,

Getting Swine Flu has been the highlight of the week so far.  I’m really looking forward to this weekend though, Friday night is the high school play and Saturday is Abel’s birthday.  I get to see all of my friends back home and I get to get away for a little bit.  Seeing my friends on Saturday really lifted my spirits, but the one thing that I desired most I couldn’t get from them; all I wanted was a hug.  Yet I had to be quarantined a couple feet away from them.

I’ve also been suffering because I’m unable to go to Ultimate Frisbee for now.  Until I get better from the flu, I’m stuck doing nothing instead.  I never realized how much of an impact it made on my life until it was gone.  It gave me something to do for two hours, people to eat with, and it helped me meet new people that will hopefully one day become my friends.  Now that I can’t go I am virtually cut off except for CJ who is my RA.  Hopefully I’ll be able to start again next week, I don’t know if I’ll be able to last any longer.

But more importantly, I was able to realize something today as I put off calling Dr. Wally for about the thousandth day.  I realized how utterly useless I’ve become in my life.  I have little to live for here now that Craig is gone.  One of my few friends is gone and now I’m stuck everyday with John until he comes back.  The times when Blue is here to distract me and when I have to leave for class or the library or something are joyous.  And I’ve become useless to my friends.  I’m convinced that I contribute nothing positive to their lives, same with my family.  I have to call tomorrow, I keep putting it off because I keep hoping deep down that things will get better on their own, but they never do.  I did that before with Anderson, and I paid the price.

Lifeless

Drew

There has been a lot of catching up I need to portray.  I missed my work study job on Sunday, Monday I did really bad in Ultimate, Tuesday I started feeling sick and the internet completely died.  But the worst was Wednesday, I passed out in foundations and had to go to the hospital.  Several liters of fluid and some blood tests later, they basically said that I was really hungry, dehydrated, and overtired.  I tossed and turned that night in my unplanned visit home.  Thursday I went to the doctor where they told me I had Swine Flu.  Which made sense since I was feeling chills and I was coughing.  So I got until today to stay home and get better.  My leave of absence goes until Monday, but since I’ve been fever free for 24 hours I can go back tomorrow instead of Tuesday.

I also have good news: According to Craig who texted me, John is going home at the end of the semester.  That means that me and Craig will have a double room instead of a triple.  I’m excited! But I’m actually going to miss John a little, just a little.  But its going to be so much nicer having a double.

More tomorrow

Drew

Yesterday was quite eventful, much more than i’d planned.

The morning was dull, nothing happened really.

Went to Arch on the bus. Arch was normal except Rob appeared with red, swollen eyes. I asked around for a lift home but Mark was taking his brother out and Rob had no fuel. So i got the bus again, which involves getting a bus to town then another bus to the homeland.
On the bus there was just me and another woman sat nearer the back. We were going down this little stretch of road and i saw this group of lads by the side of the road. They saw the bus, picked up a handful of rocks and pelted the bus with them! I saw it coming so i didn’t really flinch when they bounced off my window. But the driver stopped to phone the police, i presumed. The woman behind me then said the window behind me had been shattered. I looked and there was a small hole in it and the rest of the pane was filled with cracks. I moved to the other side of the bus cos the glass was falling in and the driver carried on the town without stopping except to let the woman off, where they had a rant about the kids and how their kids wouldn’t ever do that etc.
I was a bit shaken, so for the rest of the journey i sat quietly, listening to my music and texting everyone about it. Rachel was really worried but i managed to calm her down. I decided not to tell mum cos i didn’t want to scare her too much. I’ll tell her tonight when she gets home.

I got to town and wandered through Piccadilly, avoiding the groups of dressed up people, not that they were bothered by me anyway. I got a text from Lee asking if i was in town. We met up and i ended up making  HUGE detour home.
We went to Rose’s house and then went to Xavs, where Lee was meeting some people to go to a party. We, foolishly, walked through Platt Fields cos it was quicker. I was terrified and almost ripped Lee’s shirt from holding it so tight. We were going down a path, nearing the gate when we saw a group of dark-clothed people and Lee told me to pretend i was on the phone. I did, then my mum really rang so i talked to her for a bit. As we were walking through, i noticed the group had split into two so that some were sat behind us and some in front. I tried to ignore them and carried on talking to mum while Lee was making up bullshit to try and scare the scary people away.

We made it to Xavs and I was planning to get the 46 home cos its easier and quicker than getting a bus to RNCM then getting the 86. However, when we got to the bus stop, we found out the 46 stops running at quarter past 6. The buses through Rusholme are fairly regular, but i was still nervous about waiting for the bus on my own. Lee felt bad but said he had to go meet everyone. We hugged and departed and i made my way to the other bus stop. There was a bus on the way so i marched quickly and just made it in time. There were some drunken uni lads on the bus who came downstairs a few stops too early, i didn’t appreciate their loudness and neither did some old guy sitting further down the bus.

The rest of the journey was fine. Nothing major happened. The only thing that bothered me then was what to have for tea, since by then all i’d had to eat was an omelette and a bag of Rainbow Drops. I got home at about 10ish. I was planning on dressing as death and scaring trick or treaters, but it was too late and i couldn’t be bothered. The porch door was slightly ajar so there’d obviously been some trick or treaters. I’d decided not to have a take away, but instead cook some sweet and sour chicken. It was quite surreal cooking myself tea and 10pm. I made the food then sat and watched Penelope and one and a half episodes of Black Books before realising i was too tired to stay awake any longer.

Today I was awoken by a text from Lee asking if anyone was going to the Zombie Walk today. I decided not to and instead i’m gonna do some more college work for tomorrow and have chips for lunch and toad in the hole for tea.

♥

We’re in a recession.  The economy is crap.  Its depressing.

It’s a new day… time to wake up and get ready.  Nothing like a good ‘ol stretch right before getting up from bed.  Go downstairs, grab a bowl and have some cereal while flipping through channels on the TV.  Jump in the shower, put on clothes and hurry along to do my weekday routine… get my mind challanged, interact socially with my peers, do daily tasks of reasoning and learn a few things. Take a break.  Interact again. LUNCHTIME. Half the day is done and its almost time to go home and wind down… only to do it all over again — while catching an episode or two of SpongeBob Squarepants or play a few games on the Wii…

I may never completely know what goes through my 8 year old son, but looking at  him everyday as we go through this recession sometimes makes me wish I was 8 again… with no cares in the world.  No worries about bills to pay, or wondering if I’ll still have a job tomorrow.  Wishing for a more simple time…

” Kharab se kharab time bhi aaye to tum yeh hi kehna ki , hum bahut khus hai , mere saath mera bhagwan hai “

                             —- A.V : )

[Even in the worst of times, you just say " i am very happy, my GOD is with me" ]

I guess its gonna be one of those days.

Brilliant

Come What May – Moulin Rouge

♥

I was supposed to go out with Lee, Flute, Rose and Dave today to see Up and job hunt. Then i was gonna meet some lovely people in the pub.

But now Up isn’t happening cos noones going.

I don’t know why, but its really got to me. And i’m actually quite upset/annoyed about it.

I’m seriously considering going to see up by myself.
Actually i’ll go see it with mum next week.

So i’m just going out job hunting by myself cos Lee is a lazy bastard. Then i’ll go have good times in the pub, with some people who will actually turn up.

♥

Bare with me for a bit.  While I understand all the problems in my marriage are not entirely due to my wife, and more likely my fault, I’m not completely unreasonable.  But the reason I started this diary was to provide away for me to vent and it’s a lot easier to bitch about things I don’t like than it is to be reflective and look inward.  WIth that in mind, I have a feeling my first few posts will be bitch sessions instead of any great dissertation on how I got here, who I am, what defines me and so on.

Now that I have that out-of-the-way, it’s time to kick back on the couch and let the griping begin.

The post subject pretty much says it all.  I hate coming home.  Because when I walk through that door in the evening I know 9 times out of 10, I’m in for a miserable evening of arguing, fighting or hearing how miserable I am.

It might not be my fault she’s in a bad mood, but somehow, in the end, it all ends up being my fault.  Usually because she’s stressed about something and if I would just do more around here, she wouldn’t be so miserable.

Whatever (how did this conversation get off track?  I thought I was going to be bitching not stating my wife’s case!) the problem de jure is, it really sucks to come home day in and day out to an unhappy wife and miserable kids (they’re not spared from the bitching either).

We typically have it out and find some peace by the end of the night, or at least pretend things are OK by bed time.  But let me tell you, the night sure does drag by when you’re arguing or hearing how much you suck from the time you walk in the house to the time you get ready for bed.  Makes for long nights.

I might be able suffer through a few nights here and there, but to make things worse, I hate answering my cell phone when I get a call from home too.  The bitching doesn’t just start when I walk through the door at night, it follows me to the office or wherever I go (if I’m ever lucky enough to get to go somewhere for even an hour on my own).

The only time I know I’m free of any bitching is the hours she is at work during the day.  I can come home for lunch and enjoy and hour of peace and quiet as I sit in an empty, quiet house.  If it weren’t for those few fleeting minutes I might go nuts.  Now, if I could just learn how to meditate, that hour may actually be more than a get away, it may be a chance to lower my blood pressure and focus on what’s important.  Maybe then, I could tolerate the ranting and raving and possible do something to work with her instead of just dreading opening that door.

Economy, Politics, War, Pestilence, Cancer. Wonderful words to start of a blog. I think that each one of us can think specific things that are bad in the world. In fact if I asked you to name 5 things you could come up with 5 independent of mine above. It is easy to remember the tough times. What we need to do is remember the good times. There have been and still are good times.

I have had great things happen to me. I can always remember good things in my life, a birth of a child, marriage to my wife. Watching the Denver Broncos win the Super Bowl, twice even,  . Hanging out with my family  in Jackson Hole, at a restaurant, and playing on the grass with all of the kids in the extended family.  Going to a concert with my wife. Great times. Nothing can take these experiences from me. I cherish them.

But what about real life. What about today? It’s up to you.

My wife and I set our evenings by the activities of our kids or needs of our church. We have football practice, soccer practice, cub scouts, sports games, church activities for the kids.  Friday night is date night though, thank heavens. A night alone with my wife without the kids.  In all of the hustle and bustle of our family sometimes things slip through the cracks.

This past couple of weeks our basement has flooded twice. So when the rain threatened again a couple of weeks ago I decided to stay home to make sure my home didn’t float away.  After I worked outside to fix the drainage and tons of prayers from my family the basement was safe. We had a great day that day.  I could have focused on the rain or the loss of work by my working from home.  I didn’t, I was so happy my home didn’t flood. We can choose which way we see things, positive or negative.

Later on that afternoon my kids came home and my oldest son tried to get a drink out of the faucet. Guess what no water. I had forgotten to pay the water bill. By this time it was 5pm. I called and got the bill paid but they couldn’t get the water on until the next morning. Nice. Really nice. In the end all I could do was laugh. If that is the worst that happens I can live with that. I am sorry that is happened but my basement was dry.  That is a great thing.

In the end there are many people with worse things that happen to them. I have good health, a family that loves me and employment. There are several things to be thankful for.  Sit down and try to write 5 bad things as quickly as you can. Next write down 5 good things, see which one takes longer.

We have great medicine, travel availability, connectivity and opportunities. Man the opportunities are outstanding. 

 Have a great day today and if I don’t see you tomorrow have a great day tomorrow. I know I will because I can remember all of the good things that have happened to me in my life.