I’m fighting off the common cold, swine flu or for all I know bubonic plague tonight, so I’ll make this quick. I got an e-mail from mlb.com pointing out that they’re having a post-season sale. Batting practice caps — those ugly variants on regular caps with goofy curved side panels — are just $9.99.

I followed the link and was tickled to see this Chicago Cubs cold-weather cap with ear flaps — the ultimate accessory for the franchise that for a century has rarely played in the post-season chill wafting off Lake Michigan.

Last October, I noted the flap cap worn by the Phillies’ Jimmy Rollins, who will likely pull it out of his locker for home games against the Los Angeles Dodgers in the National League Championship Series starting with Game 3 on Sunday. Oddly, I could find no Phillies model like the Cubs version. For northern franchises like Boston, Cleveland and Milwaukee, I’d think they’d be a natural.

They might come in handy for home openers, too.

UPDATE: The earflap caps are made by New Era, and I was able to find the Phillies model at this link. The New Era site also has them for the Red Sox, Indians and Brewers. I’ll bet there are more, too. Good news!

“The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.” 

-William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing

           A cap has a visor or bill. A visor is a device placed on the front of a cap that is intended to improve vision.  It has a function.  I hate to be so dreadfully obvious, but it really looks ridiculous when it is worn backwards.  This is not true for everyone. There are some in this world who do wear it well. Of course they all either under the age of 10 or have names like Puff Doggy or Master G Funky Fresh.  Respectively, their moms either purchased the caps they wear or, it goes with their urban fashion ensemble.

          For my players it is a discipline issue.  They should be excited that they representing  their school or town by being on the baseball team.  Therefore, they should display the logo on the front proudly, in front.  Next, if my players care enough to wear their caps properly, they will be more likely to care about improving their game at practice that day.  Besides, if they don’t wear that bill in front I prescribe a cure that consists of an undetermined amount of push-ups.  During the season, I’ve been known to carry this rule to the real world as well. 

         One of my favorite players was driving by my house while I was cutting my grass. Of course, he had his school cap reversed.  He honked and waved, which was really, a very nice gesture.  What coach wouldn’t like that? So, I thought I would return the gesture by waving back.  I really liked this player so I raised both hands to wave.  At this point this player realized that my showing of ten fingers meant he had ten push-ups at practice the next day. Needless to say he turned his cap around.  By the way, I know ten push-ups may seem light, but it quickly turns into 30 or 40 if I get any guff.   It multiplies for repeat offenders.

         This rule carries over to my former players as well.  I welcome them back to workout in the weightroom, Throw in the gym, or even hit in our cage.  It is very encouraging for younger players to see a former player, that may be playing college ball somewhere, come back to workout.  That returning player better abide by your rules while he’s back, otherwise a poor example will be set.  Once, we had an off-season strength training session with about 25 players in attendance.  Into the weightroom walked one of a former pitcher who was back for winter break.  He came in with his grubby college cap as backwards as backwards could be.  I was on it quick. I said, “Hey Bill, whose house are you in?”

He respectfully replied, “Yours, coach.”

“Then turn that cap around and get in here and show these guys how to workout.” The rest of the players got a good chuckle and got to workout with one the hardest working players I’ve ever been around.  But the real victory was that he respected our team rules because he knew it was important to the team. In turn, the players saw that even the simplest rules apply to the best players, past or present.

          Another reason for this practice is the impression it gives others outside your program.  Your players send messages to opposing players and coaches with their appearance. What impression do you want them to send?  I have mixed emotions when my team shows up to a road game and the other team has players running around during warm ups with their caps backward.  My first reaction is jubilation.  I see an undisciplined team. I know that when the game is on, we’ll have the edge. Inevitably, that team will do calisthenics poorly, or not at all.  They will get their arms loose in an unorganized manner.   Then, I feel disappointed for those players.  I’m sorry that their coach isn’t setting a better example by allowing them to run around like clowns.   Simply wearing your hat incorrectly does not cause these problems, but it’s a big red flag for a poor club.

          Also, let’s not forget that these athletes are students first.  They shouldn’t be wearing their caps in a juvenile fashion around teachers.  The cooperation of the other teachers in your building is essential to your program’s success or failure.  The least your players can do is present themselves and their caps in a respectful manner.  You don’t want your players being labeled as immature or disrespectful.  The simple, proper presentation of a cap is enough for some teachers is enough. Lastly, good programs have players that play beyond high school.  A college coach wants players with a positive “field presence”.  A 180-degree flip of the visor could tear that first impression made on a college coach to shreds.  I’m not saying that by wearing your hat correctly your players will automatically get college scholarships, but why spoil the possibility over something so simple to correct.

If you enjoyed this post you will probably like the following:

http://coach5150.wordpress.com/2009/06/29/baseball-softball-uniforms-to-tuck-or-not-to-tuck/

http://coach5150.wordpress.com/2009/07/20/baseball-chewing-tobacco/

The elves are back. Or Smurfs or something similar.

At my age there are some trends I absolutely love and conveniently forget that I am in my 50’s so that I can do them. I love to wear baseball caps, trainers, baggy jeans, bright Tshirts – in other words just like a teenager!  There are other trends that make no sense to me at all: the dead gallus tuned to the moon positioning of Burberry-fabric baseball caps, jeans that are halfway down the persons bottom.

And one more.

We were through in Livingston today at the McArthur Glen outlet centre looking for suitcases and found elves. Lots of them. Every time I turned a corner there was another one wearing its little elf hat made from grey ribbed fabric. The shops don’t let on that they are elf hats. They’re called beanie hats. You see that sounds trendy to the very young: call it an elf hat and suddenly sales would drop through the floor of the toadstool.

Next time you’re out and about watch for the elves and count them. Today I counted about 12 in the space of two hours. Strange thing is I think the hats are unisex and curiously enough the elves become unisex elves once they put on their elf hats. It’s extremely difficult to decide if its a girl elf or a boy elf  because the hats cover up their hair.

Elves are mischievous beings so watch out and don’t upset them or you might find yourself under some kind of spell.

Check out this site once we get closer to Christmas:  http://www.elfyourself.com/?userid=e01338fb1bdf3ef8bcd8c3f_20061205

Oh, and by the way I don’t hate elves, I just hate those whose elf esteem is so low that they have to dress like elves.

JohnelF

Looking for the perfect gift? Tee shirts, baseball caps and loungewear can all make great gifts for birthdays, graduations and more.  Let our dedicated staff members here at Tea Garden Gifts help you decide what would be best.

When it comes to finding a great tshirt at a great price, Tea Garden Gifts is the place to shop!  Mens tee shirts in the Crusher series are designed to look weathered and feel soft yet be completely durable at the same time.  Guys, for the most comfortable shirts you have ever worn, check out our mens tee shirts!  We offer a few varieties of womens tee shirts, as well.  The Crusher series is offered for women with narrow ribbing on the neck.  The same wonderfully soft, weathered look is available with a tee shirt from the women’s line.  Womens tee shirts for sleeping and creamy tees have scoop necks and a slightly more fitted silhouette than the Crusher series.  The capped sleeve and feminine neckline make this a perfect gift for a woman who wants both comfort and style.

If you are looking for baseball caps and visors, you have come to the right place!  Chill caps are comfortable and prewashed to achieve that great weathered look.  These caps are of the one-size-fits-all variety and are suited for both men and women.  As one of the most versatile pieces of clothing you can wear, get matching hats for you and whoever you are celebrating a great event with!  Many colors and applique graphics are available for you to choose what you prefer.  Visors are perfect for keeping the sun out of your eyes in a stylish way.  Perfect for men and women, a low-cut style in blue or white are available.

A great personal gift for someone you are close to could be some comfortable loungewear.  Tea Garden Gifts offers women’s lounge pants that are extremely comfortable, both in the softness of the fabric and the relaxed fit.  The mini pocket adds to the function of the loungewear and the drawstring ensures a comfortable fit at the waist.  As you shop for others, do not hesitate to buy a gift for yourself, too.  Great prices on tshirts, caps and loungewear make a great way to reward yourself and your friends for your accomplishments!

O.K. so, I’m usually not one to go too far off topic, especially with a huge series against the Rays starting tonight at 7:08 (what the hell is with the effed up starting times around baseball right now: 7:07 in Toronto, 7:08 in Tampa. At least when they start at 7:10 the Sox start on a round number.), but this has been pissing me off for far too long to go unmentioned.

These Are My Hats, There Are Many Like Them But These Ones Are Mine. Without My Hat I Am Nothing. Without Me My Hat Is Nothing.

They changed my hat. In August of 2007, as the Sox were marching towards their second World Series title (thats infinity times as many as the Yankees have since 2000) MLB and New Era, the company that has made the official on field cap of Major League Baseball since forever, changed the caps over from the traditional wool to polyester. I didn’t notice until the Sox won the ALCS that year and before the Series started I went over to Twins to buy my new cap. It looked the same (other than the World Series logo on the side which made it incalculably cooler), was the same size, and had all of the normal logos, but there was something wrong. I knew that they had done something to change how the hat breathed and dealt with moisture, but I didn’t know it would be this bad.

Polyester Crap Hat

I wore the hat until the Sox finished off the sweep of the Rockies and then went back to my beaten, bruised and beloved old cap. They last about two years, and by the end they are all more grey than blue, have lost most of the interior, and the headband has gone so brown that it looks like the leather in the 70’s era cap that my uncle gave me a few years back. When the start of the next season came along, my girlfriend (they make us do all kinds of unnatural things) convinced me that it was time for a new one. So I waltzed on down to Twins (again, it’s the only place I buy hats, because coming from the ballpark makes them more official) and picked up a new hat. It was all wrong. It didn’t stretch, didn’t shrink, didn’t mold to my head, and had a weird black underbrim. In short, it wasn’t the hat that I had been wearing since I had my Bar Mitzvah and got my first fitted cap. I have now been wearing my 2004 World Series on field cap since then.

This One Is Wool, Why Can't They Just Make The Good One Wool?

I understand why they made the switch. Polyester is cheaper to produce, the ballplayers’ heads need to breathe, and any time people think that something old has a new technology they will pay more for it. It was a decision made jointly by MLB and New Era (no matter what the customer service people there tell you, yes, I called and asked what was going on over there) and they discontinued the wool ones, making them impossible to find. I can’t understand why there hasn’t been more backlash over this, like there was when the NBA switched balls. The players where these things every day for their jobs and the league just goes out and changes them to something that has a different fit, not to mention the millions of fans who wear them daily.

Now this had been pissing me off for a good year and a half, but the other day I wandered into a Lids and took a look at the caps, just to see if the people at New Era had gotten the picture from my repeated emails and hate letters. Sure enough I picked up a grey “fashion series” Red Sox hat and it was 100% wool. Enthused, I looked at a few more of the off color ones and they were all the same, but when I went not one rack over and looked at the official hats, still polyester. I’ve even done some digging online, and on sites such as this one you can get a Wool fashion cap (in this case pinstripes) but the official one is moisture wick crap.

Yup, They Still Suck Ass.

To bring this around to a pointed argument as opposed to a sudafed and orange juice fueled rant (I hate late summer colds, but then again maybe waiting in the rain for a cab on Friday night worked against me in that one), the Sox are starting a key three game series this week against the Rays, who became good right when they made the switch to the new caps and took the devil out of their names. I think it’s a conspiracy, or that might just be the drugs talking.

Go Sox.

Done.

I got a blue one.

One of my hobbies is collecting baseball caps. But the caveat is that I have to either get them as a gift (hint, hint) or be in the town in which that team plays, I can’t just buy a Wasington Nationals cap in a Lids at the mall. It’s especially fun to get a minor league cap, since they’re relatively unknown. When I was at the recent SABR convention in DC, I eschewed that Washington chapeau for that of their class A farm the, the Potomac Nationals.

I bring this up because of this article in today’s New York Times which considers how the recession has impacted on the baseball cap business. No longer is it enough to merely reproduce an official version (remember when there used to be just one per team?), now they come in different colors (yech) and styles.

The New York Times reports today on the state of the baseball cap industry, and it is certainly not immune to the recession. Sales are off 10 percent over last year at New Era, one of the industry leaders.

“We’re seeing a very jittery landscape,” the company president tells the Times. “People are trying to stick to their most conservative plans. Even Yankee hats are down despite the year they are having.”

This is 2009, and Google pretty much rules the world. For no particular reason, tonight I typed “baseball caps” into the Google Images search bar to see what would come up first.

And here it is, at right: the “6 Panels Baseball Cap with Brass Buckle” as displayed on made-in-china.com.

The irony cannot be escaped. The first image for the All-American baseball cap is a generic black hat on a Web site in China where, for all I know, the people are banned from viewing my blog (poor comrades!).

I did a quick check of several of the caps in my closet, and at least half were made in China. Of the Major League Baseball caps I checked, the Giants, Cubs and Nationals all said “made in China.” My Phillies and Mariners caps are from Macau, and the Marlins lid is from Bangladesh. I couldn’t determine the origin of my Brewers lid, which is from New Era.

I’ve come to two conclusions. The Chinese must love our national pastime, if only for economic reasons. And I need to find a few more caps from the American League.

I like hats. Hats are fun. The mad hatter loved his hat but then he was quite mad, from felting those hats. Mad as a hatter was once a popular saying. Though there is dispute as to whether it actually came from hat making, once hatters used mercury to felt the hats and that drove them quite mad as it was absorbed into their skin.

In a later era, World War II, my mother worked for a hatter in Calgary. Because so many men were on the front lines, women’s emancipation happened. Women had to work the jobs that were once held almost exclusively by men, which had left nursing, secretarial and teaching as traditional women’s jobs. My mother worked one of the machines that made or felted the hats. At one point an inspector came in and noticed she was not being paid adequately. Women were to be paid a man’s wage if they were doing a man’s job, not less because they were women. So my mother was paid more and the world changed, with women never going back  completely to the way it had been before the war.

And hats changed too. In the earlier decades of the 20th century hats were a required form of dress. This style had come up through the ages, where hats were used before central heating to keep the person warm. Headwear had, at points, indicated the marital status of a woman, with unmarried women sometimes allowed to go hatless or with hair down. And sometimes hats indicated a religious status or belief (this is still the case today).

But any well-dressed man or woman in the 40s and 50s always wore a hat. A woman’s was not as necessary but a man was rarely seen without one. And men doffed their hats to the ladies and were required to remove them when inside, or for ceremonies, to show respect. Ladies hats became small fripperies worn in various ways, as adornment to their hair. They had veils, feathers and odd decorations of flowers and birds (sometimes stuffed). In fact not much had changed in the decorations of hats since the 17th century when women went so far as to wear galleons in their hair. (The Baroque and Rococo periods saw some amazingly ornate hats of towering proportions, not to mention the hair.)

Men’s hats settled into the fedora as the most popular form in North America. A man would probably only have one hat most of his life, unless he was well-to-do. But that hat would fit well. Hats were made in sizes going up in increments so one could find a hat for any head. Women’s were too, unless they were the ornaments that sat atop the head where size mattered little.

However as time progressed through the 60s and 70s, hats were worn less and less. They were also now being made of materialsother  than straw and felt. The process of felting with mercury, for felt hats, actually involved the use of animal furs (beaver, rabbit) that were felted and blocked to make hats. They’re more durable and softer than wool. And they were expensive. I actually have one vintage pillbox hat that says it’s made of velour which is in fact felted fur, the softest type.

So hats are now mostly novelty items, at least those super duper, fancy cocktail hats that few of us wear. But people still wear them; models and stars who show up for elaborate or public functions. Royalty still wear hats. Others also wear hats but the headwear has changed in style and size. Women’s hats rarely come in sizes anymore, which is hugely annoying. I have a large head, or a small man’s size. But women, hatmakers now believe, have one size of head. I can’t buy many hats unless I go for the custom hats and although I have a couple (a tricorn and a high pillbox), they are very expensive.

The most banal or common hat in this era is the baseball cap, synonymous with every guy in jeans and T-shirt or track pants. Of course, not every guy wears these caps, which I classify as the MacDonald’s of hats. They are rarely classy (though there are designer ones) and often denote the good ole party boy from the hicks. Still there was most likely the equivalent in all eras. And hats are often functional items to keep the weather at bay, whether sun, snow or rain.

Hats do evolve and the wearing of them waxes and wanes with styles and fashion. They are fun to wear for more than just a costume. They can be functional and fancy all at once. Dressing up with a hat can make you feel like a star. I actually haven’t worn most of my hats for a while. Perhaps I’ll start again.

And for people wanting to look at hats and different styles, some reminiscent of earlier eras, here are a few sites:

http://www.berkeleyhat.com/index.html

http://ediehats.com/store-theatre

http://www.ilovehats.ca/home.html

As I write this post, the New York Yankees are playing the Athletics in Oakland. It’s a fair bet that the Yankees will draw more cheers than the A’s, a common occurrence when the Yanks play on the road. The Yankees have been so dominant for so long that no other team approaches their influence on baseball and on American culture.

Above is an image of two of the greatest Yankees, Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth. They’re sporting classic Yankees caps with the intertwined “N” and “Y,” one of the most iconic images in all of sport. That ligature symbolizes what for decades has been the Yankee ethic of professionalism, superb skill applied diligently without pretension or showboating. It’s DiMaggio smacking a home run, circling the bases in workmanlike fashion, crossing the plate and heading straight to the dugout. It’s Jeter streaking to the sidelines and tumbling into the seats to snare a pop foul, then trotting resolutely back onto the diamond to signal “two outs, let’s get this next batter.”

No pointing to the sky.  No flashy hand-slapping routine between the plate and the dugout. No facial hair.

No matter what team you root for, like it or not, we Americans are known to the rest of the world as Yankees. For its simple, direct, unequivocal statement of Yankees baseball, I award the Yankees cap my highest rating, five.

So apparently these days its “thug” and “badass” to keep the sticker of your head size ontop of the hat. I however find that this isnt a way to findout how cool someone is but a way to point out the douchebags while in a croud of people. So if you dont want me and the other 99% of the population to think down on you just because of your hat follow these steps and you will be free from your douchebag status almost right away!

In the market for a new cap or two? Major League Baseball has a sale on at its online store: Buy one cap, get the second of equal or lesser value at a 50 percent discount.  The sale runs through Aug. 3. It’s a great way to build your collection. A Seattle Mariners trident model, anyone?

Promotional Merchandise offers an extensive selection of suppliers of promotional products including Promotional Baseball Caps Visit our site to search through promotional products UK suppliers.

While not wearing a cap, Prince Fielder won the Home Run Derby tonight in St. Louis on the eve of the All-Star Game. In fact, several sluggers went capless in taking their hacks at Busch Stadium, and maybe that’s just as well. I was not keen on either of the league’s cap and jersey styles. To me, the All-Star Game always has been special, and seeing all the caps and colors from the various teams represented made it so.

One of my Twitter buddies, who posts a San Francisco Giants blog called Nuschlers News, asked during the derby if anyone besides him preferred the old days when the players wore their own team uniforms or at least their team caps while at the All-Star Game. I’m not sure how many replies he received, but all but two preferred players wearing their own apparel.

The derby is a lot of fun, and our family usually makes a point to watch, although it’s a little more difficult out here in the Pacific time zone than it was when we lived in the Eastern.

The kids running loose in the outfield to retrieve flyballs is a nice, if calculated, touch. You can imagine the baseball marketing guys saying, “Let’s remind everybody that this is a game for kids played by men who still are kids at heart.” Yeah, yeah. And let’s all profit richly (by selling All-Star uniforms and caps, say?).

But I shan’t crab anymore. The All-Star Game and the hoopla surrounding it are genuine American creations and traditions. I can’t remember if the players revert to their own uniforms and caps in the game itself, but I certainly hope that’s what happens tomorrow night. I want to see Tim Lincecum in San Francisco orange and black standing on the sidelines for the anthem with Manny Ramirez in his Dodger blue, Derek Jeter in Yankee pinstripes and Ichiro sporting the Mariners’ compass rose. Those “ordinary” uniforms gathered on one diamond underscore just how special a night it is.

The San Francisco Giants placed Randy Johnson on the 15-day disabled list after he hurt his left (throwing) shoulder while swinging the bat in a game against the Houston Astros. With the All-Star break on the horizon, the Giants hope the Big Unit will mend quickly and miss no more than a regularly scheduled start or two.

I’m tempted to attribute Johnson’s injury to bad fortune brought on by bad cap karma. The Giants wore the patriotic red caps in the weekend series. By itself, the cap is OK. But paired with the orange and black? Blech. The late Mr. Blackwell would surely disapprove of the color clash.

Here’s the deal gentlemen; Hats are meant to be worn outside to protect your eyes from the sun, your head from the elements or to blunt head trauma in the event of a particularly nasty accident on the highway or work site. Removing your “chapeau” indoors is a sign of respect, good breeding and common sense, since it is very unlikely that it will begin raining at the kitchen table or that falling rocks will tumble out of your living room ceiling and whomp you on the head.

I’m confounded.  Many young men  look as if their grimey baseball caps have been permanently epoxied to their scalps. It makes me wonder what is going on in the world when young women are happily revealing their thongs and young men are positively adamant about concealing their skulls.

As one might expect of someone who blogs about baseball caps, I spend a little bit of time every now and then scouting the Internet for information on the subject. In a serendipitous search last night, I wound up on ballcap.com, which is the site for the Cooperstown Ball Cap Co. The company is in Cherry Valley, N.Y., not far from Cooperstown and the Baseball Hall of Fame.

The firm makes authentic replicas of old-time ballcaps. I was familiar with their major league and Federal League caps, having ogled them in many a catalog and Web site. But I had no idea of the depth of caps the company recreates. There are caps from Negro Leagues teams, railroad teams, military schools, Native American tribes, even night clubs!

The caps come in a variety of styles, including those 19th Century ones with the band-like crowns and short brims. With only a few photograph exceptions, the Cooperstown site offers only artist renderings of its caps, such as the 1910 model above from the Alameda, Calif., professional team. Having lived on that wonderful San Francisco Bay island town for several years, I’ve put that cap on my wish list along with a few others. (Hint to any relatives with $48 to spend – the 1920 Cleveland Indians cap looks mighty fine.)

A baseball fan could spend a lot of time — and probably money — on the site. I recommend it.

Over the last several years, I have noticed some disturbing trends creeping into global culture. These trends are made even more disturbing by the realization that most are coming from The United States of America. I believe that the fixation with all things American is largely attributable to the endless hours of televisual and cinematic fodder that has been exported from that country on a regular basis from the day the first film was put in a can with a postage stamp on it!

For instance. At some point maybe in the mid 1800’s someone in America invented the baseball cap. This was designed to keep the sun out of one’s eyes. Clearly, it needs to come with better instructions, because so many Americans (and the odd Australian tennis player) don’t know which way the peak is supposed to face. In the early 90’s kids all over the world adopted the back to front baseball cap as cool and trendy. Of course if you are blind, have your eyes in the back of your head or routinely walk backwards into the sun then it makes sense. If none of these things apply then let’s face it, you are just trying to be trendy.

I hold the rather outmoded belief that these trends and the mass franchise invasion of fast food chains, department stores, supermarkets and so on, threaten the individual culture of separate countries and make for a boring and beige world. Why bother to go to the good old U.S of A. when every second city in the world is full of McDonald’s, Starbucks and people effecting trendy Americanisations. Now, to be fair, we can’t blame the Americans for all of these problems. I notice Marks & Spencer have invaded Asia, so little by little, the global village is becoming one big, flat, colorless, boring reality.

In a genuine effort to protect the culture of individual countries I thought I’d start the ball rolling with a new set of laws that can be adopted by various concerned governments.

Let’s look at one of my favourites; the “shaka“, which involves tucking in the three middle fingers and waving the extended thumb and pinkie. The Polynesian Cultural Center in Hawaii credits this gesture to one Kalili Hamana, who lost the three middle fingers of his right hand while working in a Hawaiian Sugar Mill. Hamana subsequently became a guard on the sugar train, and his all-clear wave, which due to tragic circumstances could only involve his thumb and pinkie, is said to have evolved over the years into the “shaka“. This gesture sort of came to mean “I’m Hawaiian and proud of it“. So what the hell has this hand signal got to do with a teenager on a freezing cold winters day in Prague? Nothing: so the willful enacting of an illegal “shaka” could be met with penalties ranging from having to listen to 15 hours of ukulele music while locked in a cool store clad only in a loud Hawaiian shirt (for first offenders), to having the thumb and pinkie removed (for recidivists), thus rendering the wave more or less multicultural.

Just like GBH, OMG crimes are on the increase and need to be sorted with some serious penalties. If the letters OMG appear in text or emails then the obvious penalty is the confiscation of the offending cell phone or computer. If on the other hand the OMG takes the more serious form of the spoken ‘Oh…. my God“, then the perpetrator should be sentenced to a term in the presence of Paris Hilton and her friends. The length of the sentence will be determined by the number of seconds elapsed between the Oh and the my God. I know it’s cruel, but clearly necessary.

The mention of Paris Hilton raises the issue of Canine Ornamentalism. The crime of purchasing a pet for use as a fashion accessory should be dealt with on a kind of ‘eye for an eye’ basis. Perpetrators could do 1 to 5 sealed in a suitcase with just their head sticking out.

There needs to be penalties for inappropriate use of cell phones at places such as cinemas, churches and cemeterys. Inappropriate use will be punished with inappropriate insertion. Let your fingers do the walking now you thoughtless bastard, but just make sure you clip your fingernails before you try to recover your phone. Now as much as I’d like to penalise the people who walk around in public places, apparently talking to themselves, but actually conversing via the bluetooth cockroach jammed in their ear, there’s no point. At some stage they are going to walk blithely into the path of the number 9 bus anyway. So let’s go straight to the inventor and put him away before he can perpetrate another such heinous crime. I think he should be screwed by his ear to one of those old red phone boxes like Doctor Who drives around in!

Certainly not endemic to, but definitely prevalent in America is the crime of Assumptive Headlining. Here’s a very current example “The World Mourns the Loss of Michael Jackson“. No it doesn’t; a certain number of people might and that could be a very large number of people indeed, but I know for a fact that there are tribes deep in the Amazon Jungle who have never heard of Michael Jackson, and if they have, they couldn’t give a rats. Also falling into this category are the current affairs shows that regularly promise “You’ll be amazed”, and you never are. Let’s sentence them to 12 months in front of a television marathon that regularly advises… “coming up next, where to buy the world’s biggest diamond for one dollar” …and then never runs that segment.

And finally, we come to tennis and courtus interruptus. This is the practice of unsettling your opponent (and your spectators) with what the officials mistakenly refer to as a ‘grunt’. Believe me, this is no grunt. Maria Sharapova measures in at 101 decibels, which is almost as loud as a lion’s roar at 110 decibels. Monica Seles hits 93.2 and it’s not just on serve, it’s every stroke and it’s getting worse. Now I know that hitting a tennis ball is not really that painful, I’ve done it and all I got was a slight twinge in the elbow. But nowadays these banshees manage to make this ‘roar’ last right up to the point where the opponent plays their stroke. I like watching tennis on the telly, but as soon as the screaming starts, off goes the set. If I want somebody screaming in my face incessantly I’ll watch a Neil Simon movie. Maybe we should apply punitive therapy here. Let’s fine them $1000 for every scream. That should shut them up, or at the very least give them something to scream about.

So… is it just me or does anybody else think the statute books need a bit of revision?

I always get a charge out of the games in which major league ball clubs wear “throwback” uniforms, such as the Pittsburgh Pirates did last night. The Pirates wore the uniforms of the Homestead Grays in defeating the Kansas City Royals, who were wearing Kansas City Monarchs uniforms. Virgil Vasquez (in photo) sports a Grays cap as he delivers a pitch.

There was one strange experiment a few years back in which major league teams wore so-called “uniforms of the future,” and I can recall pictures of the Oakland Athletics in jerseys with quirky sans-serif script that looked like it was out of “Blade Runner.” Better that the teams stick to the throwbacks.

I’m on vacation for a week, and I celebrated by watching the San Francisco Giants host the Oakland Athletics in their first interleague games of the season.

I wish I had one of those A’s-Giants combo caps that were available during the 1989 Bay Bridge World Series, the one that was interrupted by the Loma Prieta Earthquake.  A good friend back east still has his, but I can’t even find a photo of one. This ersatz Giants’ cap in the A’s green and gold will have to do.

The San Francisco Bay area is the only market where a twin logo cap could exist. In New York, would any fan of either the Yankees or Mets want to share space on the crown with the other team’s NY? No way.

In Chicago, would a Cubs or Sox fan tolerate such? Never.

In LA? Angels and Dodgers together? Inconceivable.

Around San Francisco Bay, fans have fierce allegiance to their team, but it’s a market that appreciates both franchises. I take the twin logo cap as a signal that Bay Area people are true fans of the game, recognizing the value of both the American and National leagues.

(The Giants won tonight on a 3-0 shutout by Tim Lincecum. I was rooting for the Giants.)