The mummy thing’s not working. Let’s see what’s up here.

Hmmmm? This is a strange looking sippy cup.

It looks safe enough.

Minty! It feels great on my gums too.

Oh….Hey mom. Just so you know. You suck as a babysitter.

One day Mudslide was going to come down to visit Booty (he lived in a city about an hour and a half away for the first half of their relationship) and Booty was super excited to introduce us as she thought, and rightly so, that we would get along famously.  She came into my office (I shared it with our other friend and our two supervisors – we were in charge of book ordering) and was like “he’ll be here really soon, I can’t wait!”.

After she left the room, however, I realized something.  I had to shit.  Serious business.  This wasn’t some sort of quick trip either, it was going to be an event.  I figured that I had at least fifteen more minutes to take care of things before Mudslide (who of course didn’t have this nickname yet) arrived for the grand introduction so I walked out of the bookstore and around the corner and barely made it into the stall.  Mind you, this bathroom was HUGE.  It had like ten stalls and eight urinals or something like that and went on for ages.  I politely took the stall furthest away from the door and prepared to drop the kids off at the pool.  I am not kidding you when I say that this was the biggest dump I have ever taken in my life.  I should have taken a picture of it as it literally wrapped the bowl like three times.  I didn’t even know I could hold that much, you know?

So I am just getting ready to flush the evidence when I hear the door open – up until now I had been the only one in the bathroom – and I’m slightly embarrassed because I can already tell that the stench of my deed has spread to all corners of the porcelain kingdom.  Still, I thought, I will never see this person again so who gives a shit? (apparently I did).  I flush it down and walk out of the stall to wash my hands and there is this guy about my height with curly black hair.  I can tell he is surprised by the gravity of the stench I have created, but he is polite and says “hey, what’s up” and I reply, “hey bro, how’s things?” and we nod like the men that we are.  I wash my hands and go out of the bathroom laughing thinking “sucks for him!” and confident that I will never see him again.

I get back to my office to get ready to leave for the day and I hear “Steamy!” (which is what we all call each other) “This is mudslide my boyfriend!” I turn around and it’s the same god damn guy from the bathroom.  We both sort of jump a little in surprise but maintain our cool and shake hands (he was a brave one) and say “Man it’s great to meet you,” and act like the bathroom never happened.

We told Booty this story about six months later when we were all at a party at our other friends house and laugh about it to this day.  Booty still can’t figure out why neither of us mentioned it for six months, and honestly neither can we.

So if you smell your friends poop, you’ll have a good friendship for life – that was five years ago.

4 miles, 42:45, 10:41 pace.

“Too Far!”

I signal to Simon that I am getting off.  We find a CVS.  I take James in while Simon stays with Sophia.  I ask for the bathroom.  I am told it is locked, but I can ask Linda in cosmetics to unlock it.  Of course, Linda isn’t in cosmetics.  I look for her, but she is nowhere.  I decide I can’t wait.  Back to the car.  I ask Simon to take James into the Outback.  He returns a few minutes later to tell me it is closed.  Great.  Simon wants to get on the road.  I say good bye to him, and head off to a Wauldbaum’s down the road.  All the time, Sophia is asking a million questions…Why are we going this way, Why are we stopping, Where is daddy,  What’s that?  She is driving me crazy.  I am now heading into Wauldbaum’s with both children.  I ask for the bathroom.  It is out a back door, through a store room, up a dreary stairwell and through the staff lunch room.  I find the men’s room first, but decide not to use it, as it is also a locker room.  I finally find the women’s room.  James is desperate by now.  He dashes into the bathroom, then stops dead in his tracks.  He turns to me, and in a disgusted voice, he proclaims, “It’s Pink!”

I could have killed him!

Authorities say a bullet from a gun that was accidentally dropped injured a Tampa woman sitting in a bathroom stall.

Police say the bullet hit 53-year-old Janifer Bliss in the lower left leg. She was taken to a hospital with minor injuries.

Bliss was sitting on the toilet in a hotel bathroom when a woman in the next stall accidentally let her handgun slip out of her waist holster. The weapon discharged when it hit the ground.

Police say the gun belonged to 56-year-old Debra Monce who has a concealed weapons permit.

I just thought the shit was mad funny. Can you imagine just sitting there on the shitter doing your business and getting shot, haha. I know that whenever I’m doing my bizness in a public restroom, which is extremely rare as it has to be a situation where I’m pretty much already touching fabric, I get annoyed when someone enters the stall next to me. It’s like what the fuck here we are two people that don’t even know each other and we’re taking a shit with only about a 1 inch thick piece of plasterboard separating us.

I know it’s different for women, since they have to go into the stall for everything. Still, I hate it just the same when someone is using the urinal next to me. If its a two urinal setup, and somebody is at one, I’ll go piss in the stall. I don’t want to use the urinal right next to someone either. The only times I do are in situations where the bathroom is absolutely packed constantly  such as a sporting event, a busy bar, the mall at Christmas time, or a casual Mexican restaurant.

This reminds me of some other interesting incidents I’ve had in bathrooms.

I remember one time when I was at Chilli’s or Friday’s or one of those places their all the same, and I was taking a piss and this guy came and sidled right up in the urinal next to me in a at least 5 urinal setup. I was annoyed and though what the hell is this guy’s problem. Then he did the unthinkable, he started talking to me. He had a cowboy hat on I remember cause he said “howdy partner” and then proceded to ask me how my day was going. Now I don’t know if this is a Texas thing, I’ll have to ask SLAYER, but where I’m from you don’t make small talk at the urinal.

Another time I remember walking around the corner into  the bathroom at the Gardens Mall and seeing a kid who must have been about 10 years old and he had dropped his pants completley to the floor as was at the urinal bareass to the world. Now I immediattly turned to avoid the urinals and head toward a stall, but there was that huge bathroom mirror with his bare ass all over it. Now this just ain’t right, doesn’t this kid have anyone to teach him about what is acceptable. Nevermind the fact that it’s inconsiderate to others, but what about the hygenic aspects of it. His pants are sitting directly on a mall bathroom floor, how disgusting can you get. Furthermore, there he is bare ass to the world at a mall, perhaps the biggest pedophile hangout around. I even have a friend, HOBE PLAYBOY, who dress up like a pedophile and goes to the mall just for his own shits and giggles at people’s reactions. He’s even been asked to leave by security before.

Now let’s get back to our woman in Tampa. So here she is either pissing or shitting, oddly it doesn’t say, minding her own buisness. Then some other woman enters the stall next to her, drops her knickers causing her gun to fall out and hit the floor. Once again this seems like something that should happen in Texas, cause I don’t imagine too many woman around here walking around with guns in holsters. Anyway, the gun discharges and hits our friend in the leg. Now the paramediccs have to be notified and come and get this partially undressed woman to the hospital. I wonder if she finished. I imagine that if your in the middle of taking a shit and get shot. That immediattly causes all the remaining shit in your system to immediattly flush, that’s just my guy feeling. If your taking a piss on the other hand, I think it would stop in midstream and be quite painful. Then again, I’m no doctor.