I have always said that if I were a victim of domestic abuse or violence at the hands of a loved one, that I would walk away.  I just didn’t get how women would allow themselves or their children to suffer over and over again at the vicious hands of another.

That was until the other day.

On Sunday I posted a light hearted, humorous post called The Faulty Model, needing to offload the hurt I was feeling about an incident that had happened the night before.

The day after that post, the Faulty Model in question was around my house, apologising, shouting at me, then talking softly to me and trying to convince me that he was regretful, devastated and deeply shocked about the fact he had knocked me about the night before.  I was already blaming myself anyway.  After-all, I am a wayward person with a feisty and somewhat challenging personality.  When I get drunk I do it in style and I can be a first class bitch.  I even felt ashamed that a male friend of mine had called round out of the blue at an inappropriate hour, asking for me by name, apparently; naturally causing the suspicion that warranted the anger and abuse that followed.

I looked at my black eye, swollen, incredibly tender arm, and bruised legs, full of self shame – that I could have pushed someone so laid back, to lash out in such a horrible way, further more in front of my son.  I lied to my son, telling him that the black eye was caused by my falling over drunk and that things weren’t as bad as they looked.  He believed me, naturally.

All my friends have been warning me against being so stupid as to allow this person anywhere near me again.  They pointed out that this wasn’t the first incident.  A few weeks back, he pushed me over in the garden as I was trying to calm down a potential argument which could have woken my kids.  Then last weekend, I found myself fearing for my life in a hotel room after he mistakenly thought he could take from me, what he wanted.

The latter incident, I also blamed myself for.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I had led him on a sexual journey of excitement and adventure that he clearly didn’t understand.  In hind-sight, there is no excuse for him not stopping.  I used a safe word, 2 in-fact, and he ignored them.  Of course I was going to be frightened for my life and maybe I was right to have been.  Who knows what would have happened if the hotel manager hadn’t knocked the door.  All that said, I heard from him the next day that he was in A&E after trying to take his life in the back of a police car, which racked me with guilt.  I had taken him into that world, therefore I felt responsible.

I also felt responsible for what happened on Saturday night.  I had really been looking forward to him coming home from his time out, which he needed in order to gather himself back together and visit his roots.  Although I had been looking forward to him coming back, I felt quite happy being in the local pub, being a social butterfly whilst he was away and I did end up getting quite drunk, playing pool and having fun.  As he arrived I was struck with guilt, that I had allowed myself to get drunk and for some strange reason, I ignored him when he got back.  If he had have done that to me I would have gone nuts.  Naturally he felt he had received a kick in the teeth.  Later at home, I felt bad and invited him round.  It was then we ‘made up’ and it was not long after that, my friend called round.

What ensued was a catalogue of accusations, that I was cheating on him etc.  The rest was a blur.  I remember being thrown around the room, I remember being thrown out of my house against a brick wall and I remember clutching my son as the faulty model tried kicking my door in.  I hid behind a car, called my father who arrived and took my son away for the night.

The next morning I wake barely able to put any pressure on my arm, I notice a fat lip and black eye.  Later in the day I notice bruises all over my calf muscles.

I digress.

Monday Morning, Faulty Model had convinced me he was sorry, that he’d never done it before (except he had, twice to me) and that he would never do it again.  I convinced myself that it was all my fault.  I loved him, the sex was amazing, our teamwork was amazing and we were happy.  I didn’t want to let him go.

Last night I barely slept, I had resigned myself to the fact that if I was going to continue seeing him (despite the fact our holiday was now a no-go, I had to cancel work because I couldn’t have his help any more and our children could no longer be friends), it was going to have to be in total secret from the world.  Last night I missed him terribly.  My bed felt empty and cold.  I was insatiably horny and could think of no one else who could satisfy me.  I missed his smile.  I missed his soft skin.  I missed his body.

This morning, my male friend got in touch with me. I asked him why he didn’t stick around.  He told me he felt awkward and so he told the faulty model that he was looking for John and obviously had the wrong house.  At this point I remind you that the barrage of abuse I received was due to the fact that, apparently, the male had asked for me by name, then scampered.  When in-fact the truth of the matter is, that in the eyes of the faulty model, there was actually no reason to be suspicious at all.  No reason to be jealous and certainly no reason to throw me here, there and everywhere.

Suddenly the words of my friends rang true.  I realised that I had done very little to deserve the bruises I now wear.  According to my friends, even if I had been cheating, I still didn’t deserve these bruises.  My son didn’t deserve to hear lies telling him that I was on drugs.  They are right.  I didn’t deserve it in the first place, let alone now.  Yet the Faulty Model was quite happy to use my own shame and insecurities against me in order to not lose me.

It doesn’t stop there.  I have received yet more abuse today.  Apparently I am a waste of space.  He has posted sick notes through my door, which my son could have found.  He is trying to manipulate me still, by saying he is now signed off sick for depression.

The scary thing is, as strong as I am, ( believe me I am one of the hardest mother f**king B*tches on this planet) I still felt like I owed him. I blamed myself.  I believed that everything that has gone wrong, was my fault.

I am now totally gutted.  How could someone I loved so dearly, be so nasty to me?  How could he strike me, then call me every name under the sun because I haven’t bowed to him?

I tell you how, because he is insecure, a bully and he knows he has totally messed up the best thing he ever could have had.

If I didn’t have my friends, my inner strength and my delayed intuition, I could have easily been sucked into a full blow violent relationship.

Now, I understand.

Jason Sweeton of Vision of Hope Ministries gave us some dose of this sad reality and much more as we talk about domestic violence.

ROCK Ministry: First let me ask about your ministry and who do you minister?

Jason Sweeton: Vision of Hope Ministries is a Christian counseling ministry. We were started to minister to the victims of domestic violence. We also counsel teens in their many issues from cutting, depression, and sexual abuse. We counsel the victims of sexual abuse and post traumatic stress disorder. Our counseling centers also provide family and marriage counseling. Our centers treat much more though. We have counseled everyone from people that don’t go to church to pastors and missionaries and their families.

V.O.H.M. was started as an answer to a local problem in the Chattanooga, Tennessee area. God had been dealing with my mother Joyce Sweeton for some time to start a ministry for battered women. At the time I was serving as the chaplain of the Chattanooga Rescue Mission. C.R.M. is a emergency homeless shelter in Chattanooga. I noticed women and children being brought to the shelter by the police from domestic assault situations. The women and children would stay at the most a couple of days and return to there abusers. I realized the women felt they had no choice. C.R.M. didn’t have the facilities to help them.

In 1997 I resigned from C.R.M. and with my mother we started V.O.H.M. to help the victims of domestic violence. The ministry God called us to do has grown beyond our expectations. We have ministered to 4,745 women 23,725 children 1,265 men in the past thirteen years. God has blessed us with the opportunity to lead 14,867 people to Lord Jesus Christ. We now have ministries in four states here in the U.S.

V.O.H.M. administers counseling centers, clothing and food distributing ministries for the homeless and poverty-stricken. V.O.H.M. has three 24/7 hour mission churches in Georgia and Tennessee. We have 11 full time missionaries and 54 volunteers. God has allowed us to counsel women and men in sixty five countries by way of the internet. Men and women who need help but we would never be able to reach any other way. God has blessed us so much. Our key purpose is to help people. We know no better way to help people than to share Jesus Christ with them. Jesus is at the center of everything we do here at V.O.H.M.

ROCK Ministry: I have a straight forward question: Why do guys sometimes beat girls?

Jason Sweeton: A batterer abuses because he wants to, and thinks he has a “right” to his behavior. He may think he is superior to his partner and is entitled to use whatever means necessary to control her.

ROCK Minstry:  Why does this kind of violence commonly happens in a relationship?

Jason Sweeton: Domestic violence often occurs because men may believe:
1 they have the right to “control” their female partners in any way necessary.
2 “masculinity” is physical aggressiveness
3 they “possess” their partner.
4 they should demand intimacy.
5 they may lose respect if they are attentive and supportive toward their girlfriends.

ROCK Ministry: What are common abuse women undergoes in domestic violence
Jason Sweeton: Domestic Violence includes a wide range of abuse including:
1 Physical Assaults
2 Sexual Assault
3 Psychological abuse
4 Threats
5 Intimidation
6 Emotional abuse
7Isolation
8 Manipulation of children
9 Economic control
10 Destruction of property or pets

RM: What are the physical and emotional trauma attached to those experience?

JS: Victims of domestic violence often experience emotional systems like:
1 Having unwanted thoughts or pictures in the mind about the abuse when nothing’s happening to remind you;
2 Suddenly reliving the abuse as if it’s happening again;
3 Getting distressed or upset when reminded of the abuse;
4 Having the kinds of physical reactions when being reminded of the abuse that it’s usual for people to get when they’re frightened, like the heart beating faster, the breathing speeding up, the muscles getting tense, getting butterflies in the stomach, and other things;
5 Trying to avoid thoughts and feelings that remind you of the abuse;
6 Trying to avoid conversations, activities, people and places that remind you of the abuse;
7 Being unable to remember some important things about the abuse;
8 Losing interest in things like the job you were doing before, or the social activities or other things you used to like;
9 Feeling detached or cut off from people around you;
10 Feeling emotionally numb; so that would mean being unable to experience some feelings, perhaps loving or joyful ones, and being unable to cry;
11 Feeling as if you’re bound to die before your time or that you won’t achieve anything in life; not expecting to live to raise children to adulthood, or to be able to get a good job, and so on.
12 Having difficulty falling or staying asleep;
13 Feeling anger and grief about what happened.

RM: How can someone who says he loves a girl ever raise his hands to that girl?

JS: This one will be fairly simple, he can’t. love is not just word and feelings it is actions. Violence at it’s root is an action of selfishness and hate not love.

RM: What are the signs that most likely identify an abusive partner?

JS: Early warning signs that your date may eventually become abusive:
1 Extreme jealousy
2 Controlling behavior
3 Quick involvement
4 Unpredictable mood swings
5 Alcohol and drug use
6 Explosive anger
7 Isolates you from friends and family
8 Uses force during an argument
9 Shows hypersensitivity
10 Believes in rigid sex roles
11 Blames others for his problems or feelings
12 Cruel to animals or children
13 Verbally abusive
14 Abused former partners
15 Threatens violence

Common clues that indicate a teenager may be experiencing dating violence:
1 Physical signs of injury
2 Truancy, dropping out of school
3 Failing grades
4 Indecision
5 Changes in mood or personality
6 Use of drugs/alcohol
7 Pregnancy
8 Emotional outburst

RM:  What should a girlfriend do if she wants to get out of this relationship?

JS: Gather the support of your friends and family. Confide in your friends about your situation. Your friends and family should help for the first couple of weeks after your break up.

Make sure your mind is clear when you break up with your boyfriend.

If your afraid your boyfriend may harm you after you tell him you want to break up, take at least one friend with you, keep a cell phone by you at all times, and have another one of your friends waiting in a car outside so you can quickly escape.

If you are afraid of him harming your friends and family, do not even tell him about breaking up. Gather all your belongings ( Without him noticing of course) and leave immediately. Notify him that you have left him, and tell him that you are going to file a restraining order against him. This should be enough incentive for him to leave you alone.

File a restraining order against him. Do not answer his calls or texts.

Make sure he doesn’t know where you are. You may have to live in motels for a couple of weeks, but in the end, it will be better than having him find you. If you have children, keep your children with you at all times.

RM: There are girls who undergone this abuse and feels that no one will ever love them. What can you say to those girls who feel hopeless?

JS: The thing you need to keep in mind domestic and dating violence is an isolating experience. Let them know they are not alone. Simply put be a friend. Never push them to do anything they are not ready for. It will only make them feel more isolated and alone. Let them know you love them and will always be there for them. Above all else let them know Jesus loves them and is concerned about there suffering. When they are ready to seek help be prepared to act quickly.

Kasi naman.

To Chris Brown:

You vermin-ridden draft-dodgin’ witless smegging weiner GTH!

What Chris Brown did to Rihanna.