The day was mostly uneventful as far as work goes. Talked to my mom a bit. She’s going to the cemetery with my brother tomorrow to look at cremation niches for my dad. She feels like it’s a loose end that needs to be tied up ASAP and I agree. They’re not actually interring him tomorrow, just going to check it out and see how much it will cost. Part of me wants to be there when he’s placed in the niche, part of me isn’t to worried about it. We’re not cemetery people, never were, and I don’t see myself becoming one. I love cemeteries from an aesthetic viewpoint as well as a historical viewpoint, we’re just not the type of people who regularly visit the graves of deceased loved ones. Anyway, so I’m waiting to hear how that goes tomorrow and if my mom needs me to fly home again at some point to help with the burial, or whatever they call it.

Today was also my boss’s last day at the company. It’s been such a pleasure working with him and he’s one of the top 3 bosses I’ve ever had so I’m very sad to see him go. It’s good to have a boss who, when he quits, you are sad and actually cry about it. Yeah, I cried because my boss left. So weird. I’m still not sure if it’s just another manifestation of the loss I’m already feeling or if I’m truly that sad about him leaving. It’s definitely odd though.

Something else that’s bothering me is that I’d like my mom or someone to come visit me. It’s been almost 2 years since we moved here and no one has come. She doesn’t want to come yet as it’s too soon she says. There are loose ends to be tied up at home. Then she doesn’t want to come in the “heat of the summer” which I don’t understand. It’s not any hotter here than in Michigan, it just gets warm a month sooner and stays warm thru November-ish. And she doesn’t want to come in winter. So that leaves September or October. Whatever. I’m not holding my breath. I did get an email from my BFF that she’d like to come down in May so I’m hoping like mad that she can swing it. We need a weekend together to be crazy and carefree.

I spent some time thinking about running. Seems like that’s always on my mind lately. Mostly because I’m trying very hard to stick to running (or trying to run is more like it) every other day. Today was an in-home workout day so I did a Firm DVD which is mostly strength training. I tend to avoid lower body stuff as I despise lunges and squats and the like, I feel that it’s necessary to work on strengthening my neglected lower body for general fitness and in the hopes that it will make this running endeavor more successful. We’ll see…. At any rate, the Firm workouts are getting easier.

I also love the Firm upper body workouts. I see and feel the results of those within just a few weeks so I’m psyched to start seeing a difference in my arms and shoulders sometime soon.

Today Jay asked if I was going to sign up for the Annapolis One Mile Challenge and I told him I’m unsure. Last year I said I wanted to run it this year but with the difficulty I’m having, I’m not sure that’s going to happen so I haven’t registered yet. He’s thinking of working at it and I’m thinking of joining a team of ladies from the police department but I’m not going to decide for a few weeks yet. It’s not until mid-May anyway so I’ve got some time to decide what I want to do.

Tomorrow I’m going to try running again but not use the Personal Running Trainer app on my iPhone. I’m just going to warm up at home and with some walking then do it at my own pace without waiting for the guy in my ear to tell me to run. I’m just gonna wing it and hope it feels OK.

So lots of loose ends in my head and emotions today. Kind of ironic since I’ve joined a bunch of yarn swaps on Ravelry this week.

Our plumber got here early and left before lunch so I took the opportunity of my lunch hour to do my run. Bonus points to me for not skipping it today. I prefer to get my workouts done first thing in the AM as the longer the day goes, the less likely I am to be motivated to do it. I like to get up, work out, shower, and go about my day.

So double bonus points for sticking to my program and heading out for a run.

But it was the. Crappiest. Run. EVAR. I mean, seriously. How the hell am I supposed to lose some weight and get fit if my body won’t cooperate?

Nothing changed since my last run except for time of day. I did all the normal stuff. Walked around on my heels, on my toes, did the step lifts on my staircase, stretched out my calves gently, did some top tappy things. Walked moderately on flat terrain to the track for 5 minutes then ran for 45 seconds on the grass. Piece of cake. I could have gone a bit longer.

But once I started walking after the run both shins started to tense up and felt like there were golfballs under the skin. Like all tight and not right. So I slowed the walk, ran again after 2 minutes and it was painful but I finished it. Ran the 3rd and finished it but had to stop to stretch after and didn’t bother even trying to do the 4th set of 45 seconds.

I just don’t understand why my body hates me. In its defense I had shinsplints when I was a kid. Not all the time but if I was trying to walk up or downhill too fast or with too long of a stride (for example, in marching band parades) I’d be in so much pain I’d have to drop out.

But I really just don’t understand why my body is fighting me so hard when my mind and full-body well-being wants this so bad. What else can I do?  Do I just give up and never become an actual runner? Do I lose 20 more pounds and try again? I’m asking this in all seriousness. If there are any runners out there who can help me answer that question or give me some advice, I’m all ears.

I’m not trying to run a marathon here. I’d just like to run a mile and perhaps a 5k once in a while. Hell, right now I just want to be able to run for more than one minute without being in pain. I’m so angry about this. For the first time in my life I’m really super committed to getting in shape and my body is fighting it. Am I destined for a life of boring ass workout DVDS? Ugh. So, so frustrated.

p.s. Plumber snaked out the drainage line. It’s connected to the same line as the kitchen sink/disposal so it had gunk. Under $500 though so that’s good.

However, I’m determined to follow thru this time and made the best effort possible to stick to the program by running every other day. So I finally dragged my butt out of bed at 8:30, got dressed, did my calf stretches and exercises and headed out.

The hip was still sort but not nearly as sore as it was on Friday and Saturday. And the more I ran and walked to warm it up, the better it felt. The run results were much like Friday’s so that was a plus. A moderately paced walk to the track, ran on flat pavement or grass where I could and did quite well. So things are definitely looking up. I think I’ll stick to the current run and walk times for the next 2 runs then increase the run times slightly on Sunday and see how that works for me. I still can’t imagine running even a half mile at this point, but I’m still hoping to get to that point by May 19th for the Annapolis One-Mile Challenge which supports Special Olympics Maryland. Last year I walked it and was the last person to cross the finish line. I was fairly mortified and vowed to run as much of it as possible in 2012 so that’s my first goal.

I’m also feeling better this week on the bereavement front. So maybe venting my anger with the grief counselor on Friday helped somewhat. I did cancel my appointment with her on Friday as I didn’t feel I got anything out of it, but maybe I actually did. Don’t know for sure, but I do feel better so I’m gonna let it be.

I am a beginning runner.

I started running in late January this year after feeling the need for a change. I jumped right into it and consistently ran for 4 days a week, and completed my first 5K race. It has been exhilarating! But, I also found running to be quite different from the group exercises I’ve done in the past. I found it challenging to be motivated to run some days.

My knees ached and my body was sore from the runs and the other exercises I continued to do.  I was starting to think, hmm…do I really like running and do I really want to do a half marathon? Is it worth the aches and pains?

I thought that signing up for the San Francisco half-marathon would force me to train and it does work. But, I didn’t want to force myself and make it something else I stressed about. I wanted to have fun.

So, I took some time and reflected on what I wanted to accomplish and my motivators. Here’s what I came up with.

I run because…
…I want a change…
…I want to be stronger…
…I want to challenge myself…
…I want to complete a half-marathon and full marathon
…I want to show people that you don’t have to wait until you lose 10, 20, 30, 40, etc. pounds before starting something

More importantly, I run because I can! I have a strong body and a determined mind. I just need to continually keep myself motivated. Running has really changed my life and how I view myself. I feel stronger and more confident. After my runs, even my “bad” runs, I still feel 100% better than if I never ran.

So, how do you stay motivated to run? Let me know by leaving a comment below.

Thanks and keep running!
~Mary

I’ve been struggling emotionally lately trying to express what trying to lose over 100lbs feels like and I think that sharing my journey with words may be exactly what I need, and hopefully inspire others.

So welcome! Read on for my first steps.

So I’ve read all I can about running.  I woke up this morning and it was drizzling, for a split second I thought about going back to bed but I had spent half of my night reading blogs about being a plus side runner and looking for information on how to overcome my fear. I got dressed.  Black tee, Black leggings–because god forbid I run in a pair of shorts, and then a hoodie.

I stretched, put on my Pandora workout station and started in for my first six minutes of walking and when the time came I…….kept walking. I wanted to lift my legs and become a “penguin” ( a penguin is the name for slow runners). This went on for 25 minutes, I was really enjoying the walk itself, the music was perfect, but cars kept driving by or people were on the street and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

But then I saw a mom and daughter walking to the bus stop. The girl looked like she was maybe a high school teen, and she was pretty large, dare I even say my size?? And I could tell that the short walk she was taking was really difficult for her. For some reason that was all I needed.

That was the moment, I knew right then and there it didn’t matter what anybody thought the reason I was doing this is because I don’t want to struggle to breath when I walk to the bus stop, because darn’t  I have the strength to run, so I should run! Because I need to do SOMETHING to control my emotions and find a release.  I NEED TO RUN!So I cut through an alley, walked it halfway and then ran the rest.

I couldn’t believe it!  I had just ran, and then I ran a little more, and then my fear of all fears happened. A car literally stopped in the middle of the street and watched me. I stopped in my tracks, but engaged full power walk status. I was a little mortified but I’m happy it happened because I lived through it AND  I didn’t die. I did a rest walk and tried again, and I’ll  keep doing it tommorow!!

I cannot explain the range of emotions that I had this morning, and though I probably only ran for a total of maybe 2 minutes. I ran, and I ran outside and in front of people darnit and I feel great!

I hate it. I really do. Working out is the most boring thing. In addition to eating way too many calories, it’s the main reason I’ve gained weight. When I’m done with work today I’m going to catch the last half hour of sunlight and attempt another run, only I’m going back to week one (run 45 seconds, walk 2 minutes, repeat 4x) to see what happens. Maybe if I just do that until it becomes very easy, I can then move on to week 2.

But running is not the boring part. The boring part is that I’m off to do a 30-minute workout DVD on my lunch hour. They are so hokey and super boring.  I mean, how many times can I hear the same overly happy banter and blah blah about how good this is for me before I kick the TV off the stand?  But this is just what I have to do to burn the calories, so off I go. After I finish this blog, that is.

I signed up for a preventing injury when running class at Fleet Feet on Sunday so we’ll see how that goes. I’m very much hoping that they are more helpful in person than they were on the telephone. I called there earlier this week for some advice and got a lot of yes and no replies rather than actual helpful info. I’m already worried about their reaction to my going in there asking for advice. I’m working on my assertiveness and confidence with regard to that, but I must admit that I’m somewhat nervous/apprehensive/ uncomfortable about the whole thing. So we’ll see…

I also read on Fleet Feet’s site that I should keep a running journal. I generally stay away from “should”ing on myself, but I know there is value in this. I’m generally kind of sucky about journaling about anything but I do understand the value. I’ve been doing this with other things like cooking and crafting, so it makes sense to apply it to activity. This running quest is important to me so I’m hoping by journaling about each run, even just the basics, it will help me see any progress more easily. Plus it will be a great way to use all those journals I have. For some reason (probably because I’m an office/school supply junkie) I’ve amassed a collection of blank journals that I never ever use.

So far my journal looks something like this:

January 31st 5:10pm

Warm up – 5 minutes on recumbent bike followed by shin exercises

Walk – from home to track (approx 5 minutes)

Run – From corner of xx and xx to 2nd driveway. Ran about one minute (half on grass, half on asphalt).

Walked – From 2nd driveway to corner.

Run – From corner almost to flagpoles. Not the full 90 seconds again. Shinsplints started here. Stopped at flagpoles to rest and stretch.

Walked – from flagpoles to parking attendant.

Run – from parking to main stadium entrance (on grass). Shinsplints too painful again (at 18 minutes total time elapsed) so I walked the rest of the 3rd 90-second round. Still feeling too much pain to attempt 4th 90-second round of running which began at bottom of large hill.

Walked – from main stadium entrance home.

1.42 miles/27 minutes

So off to boring workout I go. Have a great day!

First of all, I want you to know that I hate cardio. My body was not created for strenuous exercise. My lungs are not runner’s lungs. I practically hyperventilate after just one minute of aerobic exercise. I’ve done exercise to videos – Tae Bo, pilates, low-impact exercises – and walking, but that’s about as much as my body could take, and that was pushing it. I never envisioned myself as a runner!

So what made me, someone who hates cardio, decide to take up running? A couple years ago, my sister started running. It gave me that first inkling that I should think about running, but it didn’t last long. My sister is a natural athlete, so I just thought that wasn’t something I could do, but I was happy for her and proud of her.

Then a year or so later, I saw on facebook that a friend of mine started running, and like me, she didn’t seem to be naturally athletic. That really got me thinking! And the final straw was seeing another friend on facebook who started running. I watched their progress, saw them eventually post pictures of 5K’s they ran in, and I started to get the bug.

One weekend in June, amidst all of this, God placed on my heart to do a fast. The biggest reason for this three-day fast was that in the past year, I’d had no discipline in my eating and exercising. As most of you know, God has placed my husband and me in a time of unemployment, and it has been taking its toll on us mentally. I wanted to eat right, but I also wanted the comfort of food. I kept telling myself that I would get back to a healthy lifestyle when our life got happier. Finally, at the start of the summer, I decided that I couldn’t wait for happier times, I needed get some discipline back into my life. I needed to stop waiting for a better time, and just do it. I made the decision that the time is now, and I needed to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading and do this fast.

So I went on a three-day juice fast, and besides the headache on the first day from caffeine withdrawals, I was amazed at how easy it was. I devoted my time to my family and constant prayer. After the fast was over, I thought that I should do this once a week and maybe I could lose some weight in the process. I thought that maybe God was leading me into the discipline of fasting as a way of life. I tried it the next week, and it was awful! It was so hard, and I was miserable. I came away feeling that I had not been led into that second fast like I had been the first – that it came out of my own mind as a way to try to lose weight, and I did it for the wrong reasons.

After that, I began wondering if running was the discipline that God wanted me to take up, but I had so many excuses. I didn’t have good running shoes. I didn’t have the right clothing. My body can’t handle it. It took me a few weeks, but I finally decided that I just needed to go for it.

On June 18, I got up early. I put on my old, off-brand running shoes. I put on khaki shorts (that were SO not running shorts). I put on a cotton t-shirt (also, SO not meant for running). I said adios to my husband and daughter and got out there and did it.

Here’s what I did that day. I walked a few minutes to get warmed up. Then I ran for 60 steps. After the 60 steps, I was gasping for air, my lungs sounding asthmatic. It took several minutes of walking for my breathing to calm down. After I felt a little more back to normal, I ran for another 60 steps, and did the whole asthmatic breathing routine again. I did six running segments that day with walking in between, and I literally collapsed on the couch when I got back home. My husband tried asking me how it went, and I put my hand up and wheezed out the words “can’t talk!” I was so exhausted and out of breath. I was sweaty and hot and gasping for air.

After about an hour of recovery, it started to sink in … I DID IT! I could hardly believe that I had run! Even though it was six very short segments, I had done it! It was an incredible feeling! I had accomplished something that I had never even thought about trying before, something I thought I couldn’t do, and … I DID IT!

Everyone thinks that if you ran a marathon you must have run everyday for a year leading up to it. You must eat nothing but health food to fuel those grueling work outs. Athlete’s treat their bodies like temples after all. You must be long and lean. While I try not to dispel these rumors, because they make me look good, the fact is that none of those were true for me. Although, the fact that I am neither long nor lean could not be hidden. 

Did I want to be that person that people thought I was? Heck yeah I did. So I never told people I only ran once every few weeks, and actually only once in the month and half before the marathon. I eat whatever I want because I’m “marathon training”, and my muscles were so sore after the race that I hobbled around my house like an elderly with a hip fracture. I continued to be sore for weeks afterwards. Yes, in public I walked proud like my body wasn’t screaming in agony on the inside. A girl has to uphold her reputation. Oh, and I got a nice little stress fracture in my shin since my bones had not been conditioned for that constant rhythmic impact. I was the epitome of perfect health. A well-oiled machine. A fake.

Numerous times I heard “I would love to do something like that but where do you find the time?”. In those situations I’d  always reply something along the lines of ”you just have to make the time”, “it’s a real commitment”,  ”it’s easy to do when it’s something you want to do”. Pretty sure I had read those words of real runners in a magazine somewhere.  My uber-athletic, unearthly, sainthood continued. Oh and the lies, yeah those didn’t stop either.

Although, despite the exaggeration of my abilities the one truth I always told was “I run because I like it”. Sometimes it was hard to find the motivation and most days I never found it but when I did I never regretted it.

As I laid on my couch the day after the race, unable to lift my legs without using my hands and eating ibuprofen like Tic-Tacs, I looked outside longingly and wanted nothing more than to go for a run. That’s when I knew I was hooked and I knew I wanted to do this whole “training” thing the right way.

I’m in training (look, no air quotes! this is the real deal) for my second marathon. This one’s July 10, 2011. 

I’m not going to lie this time, after the first few weeks I lost motivation and went back to running just once or twice every couple of weeks. Somehow I’ve recently pulled myself out of that slump.

Along the way I’ve learned a lot about running (and running injuries). I’m by no means a seasoned pro  or an expert in anything but, since we’re all being honest now, odds are that you probably aren’t either. Whatever your experience level, we all have knowledge and stories to share.

What motivates you to run? What are you goals? And, am I the only person that has lied like this?(hint: the correct answer is no)