A patient came in today complaining of having a sore throat, runny nose and feeling awful… 

Aaarg- tichoooooooooo!

I assessed him and advised him that he appeared to have a virus…not an uncommon occurence, but the fact he told me he was feeling awful sort of amused me, then started my brain ticking…(oh no!!)

Why do viruses have to make us feel awful?  I appreciate this microscopic life forms need to reproduce and spread from person to person to keep their existence, and as annoying as this is, it is basically the same as any other life form on the planet, so good luck to it. If the survival of their species is the only reason colds and other viruses exist, would it make evolutionary sense to encourage the host (AKA us!) to stop trying to get rid of them?

Surely if viruses evolved to make us (the host) feel good it would become a happy symbiotic relationship, a bit like the bird that eats the annoying bugs off the hippos back, leaving the hippo less irritated and the bird fed (only the poor bug loses out!)

3 birds on his back…Sounds like being married with two daughters to me!

Why can’t we have airborne viruses that make us feel energised and full of the joys of spring with a euphoric bounce in our step?  If this was the case then people would want viruses, we would feel great when we had them and the virus would be encouraged to thrive.  Sure you’d have some virus abusers, trying to get a viral fix all the time, but perhaps it’d cut down on drug abuse.  See now I’ve ruined this idea with a vision of slutty dressed girls going up to greasy old men in clubs, and slyly whispering in their ear…”Eh mate, fancy a virus?  20 quid???”

There is a down side to every nice thought…what’s that expression…Every silver lining has a cloud?

My original nice thought was this…

Pt: “Good morning Max!  I’ve had a virus and I think it’s gone to my chest”

Max: “So what symptoms did you have and when did they start?”

Pt: “Well before the weekend I started with a tickle in my throat, really made me giggle and feel happy, then I think I had a raised temperature because I felt like someone was giving me a nice warm hug all day, but over the last few days my chest has been tickly as well.  I’m sure it’s just a virus, but would you mind listening to my lungs and check?”

Max after throughly examining the patient: “Your chest is as clear as a bell, it must just be an Upper resp-giggle-tory infection. The bad news is it’ll be cleared up in a few days”.

Ahhhh….how nice….

Max!! Max!!! STOP dreaming….my nose is streaming!

I was finally able to speak with my RE a couple of days ago. He is so funny. We’ve been playing phone tag for almost a week now and when we spoke he finally said “young lady I’m not used to being treated like this. You are one difficult lady to talk to”

I felt so bad. I know how busy he is and he’s called me so many times and could never reach me. We were playing cat and mouse for a while there.

Anyway. I had to ask him the many questions that I had.

I explained to him that Tom (my hubby) knows quite a bit about this whole IF business but he didn’t really know much about this surgery so he didn’t really understand what Dr.Synn said after my surgery was done.

Dr.S then said “well we removed a fibroid”.

My question was “what is the difference between a polyp and a fibroid?”

Dr.S’s answer :
“A polyp is a tumor of the lining of the uterus, wheres a fibroid is a tumor of the wall of the uterus”  he then said “a polyp is softer and a fibroid is harder, meatier”.

I couldn’t help but think “Did he just say TUMOR!!!!?” It was freaking me out but I didn’t want to interrupt him so I let him finish.

Before I could ask he says “Don’t you worry, I already got the pathology report and it was a benign tumor. Everything looks great.”

OMG!!! That was such wonderful news. I was so freaking happy to hear that. It’s amazing how in just a matter of seconds of hearing the word tumor my brain processed it and went to the worst possible scenerios.

I was then told that they have to great pictures of the surgery to show me. I couldn’t help and said “Oh my,  I hope you took pictures of my good side” we both laughed and he asked if I had any other questions.

Well, I said “since everything looks so great now, you’ll get me pregnant with twins next time, right?”
I could so tell that he didn’t know how to answer that. All he said was “we’ll see, we’ll see” then he gave me a chuckle.

I get it, he wouldn’t want to put my hopes up for saying yes and he didn’t want to crush them if he said not either. I got it doc.

I asked him if it was ok for me to take the H1N1 vaccine and he said that he would love if I could and that he has no problem with it. So, I did get it. (a whole other story to write about this).T

This is it for now. I get to see him (or one of his nurses) on the 10th before my trip.

I hope that when we get back we can get back on the saddle and start trying again.

Below are some links if you’re interested on knowing more about Fibroids:

http://www.womenshealth.gov/faq/uterine-fibroids.cfm

http://www.medicinenet.com/uterine_fibroids/article.htm

PART 12

Ending Comments

There have been many Narcissists in my life – my mother, the high school friend, H, members of my extended family, people I knew socially and in my spiritual community, romantic partners, co-workers.

I once read on a message board “Sometimes I believe a Narcissist can almost cause these other defects in people who fall for them.” How true that is. How insidious it is.

By this story, I am not asserting that one person alone is responsible for all my troubles though the friendship certainly exacerbated them. We are ultimately responsible for our own lives, and I am no exception.

For many years — approximately 14 — I had lost my way. I had once been a long-term highly functioning person. Even amidst long-term severe challenges, stress and PTSD, I managed to stay functional.  Everyone, however, has their breaking point and I learned what mine was.

I have never had drug or alcohol or any other addiction issue (well…. coffee! ). I had simply had too many traumatic experiences, due to both luck of the draw and poor choices.  I had lost the ability to cope. I was in too much pain, too much chaos, too much confusion, too many hurts, and I had too many concepts and preconceived notions to see life and people clearly.

Prayer and affirmations have served to provide palliative care, but their usage had never brought me full healing or even the degree of healing I needed. I do strongly believe in the power of prayer and positive thought, however. I still use it all the time.  I use something called Scientific Prayer Treatment, and I talk to my angels.  I also repeat certain Bible passages like Psalm 23 or 91.  It works for me, in both clear and subtle ways. Each person has to find what works for them, and that is part of what works for me.

We must quiet our mind and emotions and ask what we need to do in order to improve our lives. It is only when the dust begins to settle that the answers can start to reveal themselves.  Only then can we hear them.

At first I didn’t like those answers. I fought them. I thought I could help people change. I thought I could help my former friend change.  If things weren’t going well, I thought I could “make her see” the error of her ways.  I carried that concept over into other situations too.

I know now what a delusional idea that is, and how utterly futile it is. Now, I just walk away. That may seem cold but it’s better than entanglement in something larger than I can handle. I have noticed in recent years that many people now simply dismiss others at the first sign of stress or trouble. They even misperceive people (far too much, I believe). There are too many knee-jerk responses.  Life is not the movies or TV.  I can certainly understand why people do it though. I do it myself sometimes. It’s a new feeling for someone who is so outgoing, sympathetic and understanding. I’ve changed — in very fundamental ways. I find it exciting.

Epilogue

There is so much I did not write here. I miss the good stuff with H. I do have many fond memories of our friendship. I do have a lot of gratitude for the nice things H did for me through the years. I always will. I wish that I had been in a position to reciprocate in many more ways than I was able to. However, I see now that part of the Narcissistic construct means preventing people from reciprocating (“I’m perfect, I don’t need your help.” “I have things under control.”)

I cannot continue wading through the escalated negativity with H to try and salvage whatever slight good might remain. How I wish that were not true! I would still like to deny it is true. I want to make it go away, make it be different – for both me and for H.

I know with every fiber of my being that H and I must now part ways and stay parted. I hope she will never have to experience the things I have experienced in my life. For different reasons, those cumulative things are just as traumatic as what H went through as a child.

There is a difference in us, however.  While I am a flawed person – something I fully admit to myself, to H, and to others in my life – I don’t have an untreatable personality disorder. It is now clear to me, though, that H might. I checked the four signs of what precipitates a personality disorder. H has the last three of them; I have the first two. (My mother has the first three. H’s family may also have the first risk factor. I am not aware of any full blown mental illness in her family of origin, but there may be. Importantly, her father married what H termed “a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic” one year after her mother died.)

Risk Factors

• A family history of personality disorders or other mental illness

• Verbal, physical or sexual abuse during childhood, especially sexual abuse as a child

• An unstable or chaotic family life during childhood

• Loss of parents through death or divorce during childhood

Credit: Kellevision – Musings on Mental Health by a Licensed Therapist

Is it any wonder there are so many people with personality disorders these days?  Too many people have more than one or two of these risk factors.

Therapy is recommended, and medications should only be used in conjunction with therapy.

I may still feel depressed from time to time, and I may still not be completely sure how I will resurrect some areas of my life, but those feelings are normal.  I realize that certain things take time.  I’m still recovering from being the Family Scapegoat.  I’m still recovering from all the experiences I’ve had since 1989 when I was kicked out of my own home by my ex-husband when the children were toddlers.

I don’t live in the dark place that NPD seems to be — a place that H may well live in.  I’m thankful for that, because life is hard enough.  If anything I have always engaged in too much subjective self-introspection, and that is something I must guard against.  I hope I never lose the capacity for self-examination and taking responsibility for my life improving.

I still don’t understand Narcissism. We may not as a society ever understand it, and more importantly, we may not ever be able to solve its unfortunate dilemma. I hope we can, for the sake of so many suffering people.

H thinks she has found an effective coping mechanism for her life. I know she’s convinced she has been coping for many years. I also know that she is becoming less and less convinced that is so.

I know that I was often the object of H’s scorn all those years because I couldn’t seem to find a sustained level of coping. I am sure H does not see how she contributed to that. And I am sure H still does feel scorn for me. I am certain there are others who still do like her family.

I am certain H is convinced that because of my “karma” and “my chart” I probably won’t ever be able to have a better life. That is yet one more reason why I cannot continue with her.

I have some severe battle scars, but I’m still standing. Not only am I still standing, I’m sane. I am still vibrant and energetic, though less so as I age. But I can build on that. I believe in possibilities – hell, probabilities. I believe in resurrection.

I am better for these experiences, though sometimes it does not feel that way. It’s been a long road, and there is still a long way to go. If one looks at the odds, the pure facts, the odds are against me. But I now have greater strength and insight to deal with the journey. And I know that I still believe in miracles.  I know that miracles do happen, and they’re happening to me.

I now have wonderful, supportive friends. They aren’t passive aggressive. They don’t try to elevate themselves over me. They don’t haughtily correct me.  We discuss and debate rationally on a level playing field. They don’t talk me down behind my back to their families or other people. They support me. They have my best interests at heart. And they don’t play unproductive games. Beside the No Contact with H, my current friends – along with journaling, prayer and gentle self-examination – are the reason why there is no more chaos in my life, no more frequent “catastrophes.”

There really is no other choice than choosing to create a better life. Yes, there is no other choice for this flawed, intelligent, vibrant and dynamic woman – me – who lost her way so many years ago.

Resources (books)

PART 11: A Warning to Victims of Narcissists (VoNPD’s)

Victims of Narcissists, beware:

Be wary of those who set themselves up as an authority in any field or pursuit. Be wary of any authority figure, especially one who claims to be adept at teaching spiritual principles and practices, or simply claims to be qualified as a spiritual teacher or guide.

The self-help and spiritual world is full of pathologically wounded people who set themselves up as experts. In too many cases, these people have serious issues. Many times their underlying motivation is to obtain a never-ending source of Narcissistic Supply, and no doubt power, wealth and status. Check them out thoroughly first.

At the first sign of Narcissistic behavior in anyone you know or meet, leave. Do not engage. Just nip it in the bud.

If you are already entangled – disentangle. It really is just as simple as that.

These days there are many resources – even in this economy – for leaving an abuser. You can do it if you want to. You really can. If you are addicted or simply caught up in the maddening, fruitless scenario of Narcissistic abuse – stop. (Especially if you are a Codependent/Invert Narcissist like I was for so many years, which is usually the case.) That’s right. JUST STOP. Cut it off. Do not look back… do not go back!

You have to take the first steps so you can feel how it works. I was terrified, but I did it. I was heartbroken to end a three-decade “best friendship” but I did. (What a pitiful delusion: H never considered me her best friend!) I was heartbroken to look at the pieces of my shattered fantasy. Now I am incredulous that I was ever convinced I had a best friend in her — or even a friend at all in the later years.

“If we are really honest with ourselves we have to ask the question – what is it really that we are scared of losing? The answer, if you choose to base it on reality that is supported by evidence – is that we are scared of losing something that does not exist to begin with. ” from CosmicWalk.co.za/change.html

Now that I am through the brick wall I’ve been banging my head on for all these years, I find it quite “interesting” how I no longer have these “cataclysms” in my life from which I “need rescuing”. “Funny” how that works… funny how that works.

Get rid of people who feed on your anxiety. Get rid of people who feed on your despair, your disorientation, your low self-esteem, your subservience, your poor choices, your never-ending crises… just put a stop to it. You will be amazed at how your life changes. The progress may be slow, but it is steady if you are resolute.

If you even have a slight suspicion that someone – anyone – does not have your best interests at heart, heed this warning. Heed this call.

As VoNPD’s we must ensure that we no longer play into the hands of a Narcissist. It is up to us, because they are cunning. Do not play your hand, do not give out unnecessary information. Do not allow them to see you as vulnerable.  They don’t have the normal capacity for sympathy.  Do not let them take advantage of any vulnerability you might be experiencing in your life.

If you look back over your life, you will realize that you were probably warned – no doubt more than once. I certainly was! There are signs, and there are people who love you who have warned you.

For me that first warning was J, the woman who came to me all the way back in 1977 ranting about H. I just didn’t realize at the time that H was actually a Narcissist. We didn’t use such words then.  Heck, the word “stress” had hardly even come into common usage – incredible as that seems now. We didn’t know about such things as Narcissism. Even those of us who were studying human nature and pursuing spiritual ideals and methods were not aware of the disorder. We sure had plenty of Narcissists in our (spiritual) arena, though. Both male and female.  But in reality, of course, they were everywhere.

Back in 1977, society didn’t have the awareness of mental illness and personality disorders that society has now. Back in 1977, I thought L was over the top. Nevertheless, L did warn me. If L were still alive, I’d call her up and thank her for trying to get through to me, and apologize to her for thinking she was so “unspiritual” for her harsh words about H. I prefer now to think it was a much-needed warning. L was a hardscrabble survivor. L was a smart, strong and beautiful woman who became an extremely successful businesswoman before she died too much too young of cancer.

Because I have had to deal with so many Narcissists in my life, I no longer give people the benefit of the doubt nearly as much as I once did. My ex-husband was right about some things. He told me I was too gullible, too forgiving, too naïve, too quick to give too many people the benefit of the doubt. He saw so clearly – even though he was very young – that people took advantage of me frequently in both social situations and at work. (That is another story too – the corporate world and big-city law. Holy hell… another story, indeed!)

Please go to Part 12:  Ending Comments, Epilogue and Some Suggested Resources

Part 10: What I would say to H Now

Here is what I would say to H now, if I had the chance. Of course, she would never deign to listen and it wouldn’t do any good.  But this exercise is important to write, and I have read it out loud to myself as well:

“We are done. It’s over. It hurts. Yes, it still hurts sometimes, but mostly it’s about what could have been, what should be. I know you thought it was going to be easy to suck me back in this past year. Why wouldn’t you? I always made it so easy for you! Thanks to the vast amount of resources on the Internet and well-written books, I know now what I was involved in – your tangled Narcissistic web. Lording it over me, controlling me, maligning me inside your head and aloud to your family and some of our mutual acquaintances and friends, rewriting history and so much more. It is what I allowed for so many years. What I actually did to myself for so long. Well, no longer.There was so much potential for a wonderful, fulfilling friendship between us. But I look back now, and I see that it never could have happened. I fell into your trap and I stayed there. Because of my own childhood trauma and my Narcissistic mother, I couldn’t get out of that trap until cultural trends finally caused Narcissism to be widely experienced, named, and discussed on the Internet, talk shows, and in academic and popular books.At least it happened. Better late than never. Better than being your tool for the rest of my life. Better than letting you jerk my chain for the next however many years.So go and find yourself another incredibly convenient source of Narcissistic Supply. It will be more difficult to find, since you’re new in town. You’ll have to work people harder. But honey, you’re up to it! Why? Because you are “perfect”! You are “special!” You are so “spiritual!” You are such a “born leader” and you are “so insightful!”With you, it is always “someone else” who has it wrong, someone else who needs correcting. Someone else who is not quite as good as you are. You drive people crazy with ad infinitum repetitions of the same things during the course of any discussion (How many hundreds of dollars did I waste on that alone, because I did not want to offend you??) I thought it was only me who felt that way, until you mentioned one of your daughters called you on it. That embolded me about something I’d long wanted to do: gently remind you that you were repeating yourself more than once. You gave me a withering look. How dare I expect you to change? (An intrinsic trait of the Narcissist.)

please go to Part 11: A Warning to Victims of Narcissist (VoNPD’s)

Part 9:  Narcissism = Incorrigible H never once in our friendship responded to verbal requests for a deep and balanced discussion about our friendship, nor did she ever offer any apologies or take responsibility for her attitude and behavior toward me. She never offered any ideas about how some things between us could improve. We had the kind of disagreements that every normal friendship has. But the subject was verboten. I could either put up or shut up, though she never said that directly. She didn’t have to. Her body language and facial expressions told me she felt my requests were outrageous and unwarranted.  I learned never to ask, because the tension in the room would soar off the charts. H also never responded to letters . She never even read them. There were only two or three letters written inside of a year or two. It was not as if I were frequently begging.  I never stopped to consider what it truly meant that she was stonewalling me.  (I know now that is a game of the Narcissist.) The fact is, H has never responded to reason, to logic, to common sense, to pleas for truthful dialogue and especially she did not respond to the idea of compromise. Nothing. It was The Silent Treatment. (Yet another Narcissistic trait.) H simply cannot go there. She has even shouted at me (while towering over me) “Your mother just can’t. She just CAN’T” when I complained that my Narcissistic mother has never submitted to therapy or co-counseling with me.  Methinks thou doth protest too much, H. When H wanted to control a situation, she would simply go silent. She simply did not respond. She actually believed that people were not worth responding to; in fact, they probably deserved punishment – but in any case ignored – for challenging her.

She did it to her sister in law and she did it to me. No doubt she does it to others… how many I cannot guess. I wonder if H has anyone she allows to remain in her life – beside her husband – who stands up to her (thereby standing up for themselves). I doubt it. H does have her long-term trusty stable of supporters — both healthy and not so healthy — she makes plenty sure of that. (Just like my Narcissist mother always did and still does.)

Please go to Part 10 — What I Would Say To H Now

Part 8: Turning Point (A Fortunate Online Meeting)

Six months after H blasted me, during which time she was emailing vague hooks, the fortunate meeting came with my online friend C. It was C who had reached out to me, complimenting me on standing up to an entrenched foolish poster on some message board.

Over the months, our friendship has blossomed into something far beyond simply discussing Narcissism and its effect upon our lives. How boring Narcissistic drama actually is anyway, eh? There is LIFE to be lived out there!

After a few weeks of getting to know C via emails and hearing about her own malignant narcissist mother (who was physically as well as psychologically abusive), I mentioned to C that I wanted to tell her part of my story about H. It was a few weeks before I took the risk of revealing myself.  I really wanted to know what C thought, so I took a chance. I think my intuition was working overtime, because it turned out to be a very fortuitous decision.

However, at that point, I still — incredulously — thought I could get through to H, still see a change in the friendship.  Even typing it up didn’t convince me that the friendship was toxic and needed to end.

I wrote out part of the story, touching on the highlights, and sent it to C. Writing it helped me really connect with how I was tired of being used, tired of being corrected, tired of being watched like a hawk in H’s home for no good reason. I was tired of being told to do this and not do that. I was tired of being told to do this a certain way, and that a certain way. I was tired of being treated “less than”. I was tired of being made out a fool, especially to H’s family and friends.

I was tired of being a minion. I was tired of being made to feel like a silly little panting/wagging puppy dog or a 5-year-old. I was tired of hearing that my interests and tastes were silly. I was tired of meeting with gritted teeth and clenched jaw when I would bring up a subject she wasn’t interested in.  If I pushed it, she would clench her jaw or jump up and leave the room, exhaling derisively.  (Whatever happened to “oh, Bob and I will talk about anything for a few minutes, we’ve both got a lot of air in our charts!”) I got tired of being dismissed if I brought up something she wasn’t interested in or considered frivolous or uninteresting or not worth her time. I had to learn what she would listen to and talk about, and abide by it. (Controlling and self-absorbed: a trait of the Narcissist.)

And I was especially tired of H blocking all of my attempts at improving our friendship. Just plain tired, angry and by then bitter – and creeped out by the vague one-liner emails she had started sending me. I was growing colder and more determined each day to end the “friendship” with H.

When I received C’s response, I was floored. I had never before considered Narcissism with respect to H. I knew she had some serious issues, but I’d never put a description to it. She was “too nice, too spiritual, too much of a committed spiritual seeker, she had been good to me through the years” — even though it was always intermixed with what I now knew was Abuse.

C directed me to some websites and message boards about Narcissism. I spent days reading them. I recognized H (and my mother and high school friend) in so many of the stories that were posted, in the DSM-IV and in other professional resources on the disorder.

I couldn’t deny it. I wanted to, but I could no longer.

H moved to the Midwest between 2 and 3 months after she told me she needed a break. She left town without saying goodbye – even though I had emailed to say “good luck, it would be good to say our goodbyes in person over tea since you are moving so far away.” I was simply trying to use proper etiquette and social graces. I never received a response. I wasn’t surprised, but tossed it off. It was nothing new.

The Hooks

A couple of months later — after No Contact from my end because she “needed a break” — H started sending me a few strangely vague, very brief emails. Little did I know that the reason for those emails was not because she truly missed me. Narcissists convince themselves they miss you, but it is for all the wrong reasons.

The real reason “they miss you” is that when you go No Contact, their Narcissistic Supply vanishes and they literally start needing a fix.

It’s very important to remember that with a Narcissist it’s all about them, while they are often accusing you of being the self-centered and selfish, messed-up one. After all, you are usually not handling life well, and you are probably Codependent – both which make you seem self-centered, needy, histrionic, and well… a bit crazy.  It’s very important to educate yourself about Narcissistic Supply.  It is very real, though some try to deny that.  If you’ve been a pawn of a Narcissist, you understand that Supply all too well.

Here H was, emailing me out of the blue like nothing happened! No explanation! No “hey, I’m here, have gotten settled, how are you, what’s going on?” I’ll bet somewhere in her mind she was thinking, “This will be so easy! Let’s see what kind of idiocy my best source of Narcissistic Supply will provide to me this time.”

A few weeks after after my cursory response, H emailed again with a one-liner (nothing else!) wanting to know if I had gone to hear Harry Manx, who had played my city the previous week. H knew me well – I probably wouldn’t have known about it because I often forgot to check that sort of thing, even though Harry Manx is one of my favorite musicians. I was on his concert notification list, but somehow it had not arrived or I had missed it.

H could have sent that email the week before the concert. She well knew about it — she keeps up with stuff like that. I am convinced that she wanted me to miss the concert. I wasn’t quick enough to catch that theme in her “innocuous” email though. I wrote back with frowning smilies and an OMG!

She never responded. It took me a day or two to realize that she was probably gloating – something H would never admit. She’s too “spiritual!” She’s such a “good person!” “She’s not manipulative!”  ”She’s not jealous!”  ”She’s not passive-aggressive!”  (Side Note: Sarcasm is how we VoNPD’s start to react after we wake up. Sarcasm is a good protective shield. It’s a necessary part of the process of healing, and helps you steer clear of the abusers in your life. Ultimately one arrives at the point of no emotional response.)

Another couple of months passed with No Contact. There was yet another email from H.  I responded cursorily; never received a reply. There was starting to be a pattern.  Every couple months, it was some hook or other from H. My cursory responses never went anywhere. She never responded back. She simply needed to know whether she could keep me tied in. Surely I would give in sooner or later! Surely those old floodgates would open at some point!  Surely it would be so entertaining to scorn my latest “silliness”.

Recently, H did not email me for a few months. I thought she was finally starting to get the picture. However, she started up again around our close-together birthdays three weeks ago by sending me an electronic birthday card, which I have not picked up. I ignored it. It’s over.

I keep getting reminders from American Greetings. Thanks but no, I will not be picking up the card. I want H to know that it is over. We are done. I no longer want her in my life. I no longer want to be H – or anyone’s – Narcissistic Supply. I no longer want to be an Invert, Codependent Narcissist. (Being intensely involved with a Narcissist makes you Codependent. It’s so deceptive and addictive that you don’t know it’s even happened.)

Once you get it, you get it. Until you do, you just don’t! It’s sad but true. So many shattered pieces to pick up and discard, or somehow put back together. So much wasted time and lost experiences. (A common circumstance of VoNPD’s.)

What I want – what most people want! – is a healthy, balanced, open, flowing, loving friendship that successfully survives the ups and downs and revels in the good times. I am starting to have that! It’s early days, but it’s working. I have a protective shield around me while I look – and really try to see – who and what I am really dealing with.

I no longer play into the hands of people who hold me in contempt for being flawed and vulnerable, which is only human. Instead, I have started holding my cards to my chest, and I do not play them unless absolutely necessary. The old saying is true: Most people can count the true friends they make in the period of a lifetime on the fingers of one hand. I am no exception, and I’m at peace with that.

Therefore — with the help of C — my wonderful, insightful, generous online friend — I ultimately decided to just go “No Contact” with H. That is the best way to handle someone like H.

If I wrote, as C suggested, “please do not contact me again” I know H would find a way to spin it to make me look bad to other people – especially those in our former spiritual community. Not worth it. I already have to deal with my Narcissistic mother’s stable of supporters, and that is difficult enough. I do feel it is very good advice in other circumstances, though.

Please go to Part 9:  Narcissism = Incorrigible

PART 7: A Cruel Blow

Backing up to one year ago, before the “poem” incident. H and I had yet again band-aided our friendship without really discussing or solving anything (classic Narcissist M.O.) We’d been hanging out again for about 9 months.

As mentioned, a few months prior H had refused to drive 13 miles to assist me when I had pleurisy. Instead, H called a mutual friend, B, and asked him to check on me. B was on a date at a sports game, without his vehicle. He couldn’t just drop everything right then.

A few days later B called to see how I was. I was surprised he had waited that long. I told him that H had not come to help me. B said sarcastically, “why didn’t H just get up off her ass and drive up there to help you”? I knew why: she couldn’t be bothered, and she is a miser. It was during the $5/gallon summer of 2007, yet she regularly spends hundreds of dollars on computer equipment and manages to fly places 2-3 time a year. That shows where her values and priorities lie.

That question was the most B has ever admitted to me that something is very wrong with H, but he won’t discuss it. The only other thing B’s ever said is “H needs to learn that if she asks for feedback during a class, she has to actually listen to the response.”

B knows better than to deny that there is something very wrong with H.  I became convinced that B actually does know, but he’s very conflicted about it.  He didn’t want to come between us and he didn’t want his words possibly used against her in our ever-increasing conflicts.

B is also very emotionally attached to H, who has been like a big sister to him for many years.  He’s also long had a crush on and held a torch for her, convincing himself that she should never have married BD, but should have been with him instead.  He still rants about it.  Little does B know that H is actually very angry with him, and for various reasons does not respect him.  (She keeps him tied in; she has need for “elevation over” him [and me]: a Narcissistic Trait.)

Soon after the pleurisy healed, H told me that B had said something to her about my “latest crisis” from which I “needed rescuing”. I pressed H about it. She started hemming and hawing as if she were trying to bail herself out of something. I asked her if he’d really said that. She was sure he had. I suspected it was actually her idea and she was passing it off on him. I knew her too well.

I confronted B. He told me that H was the one who said it. I believe him. But I also know that B thinks I am a calamity case and he hadn’t really believed that the emergency was serious (believe me, pleurisy is serious and extremely painful). And of course, H had convinced herself I was crying wolf and could handle it myself.  Did she even stop to think I would have dropped whatever I was doing had I received the same type of call from her?

I was still recovering from the pleurisy, the housing incidents and the resultant emotional and financial issues. I was also having to deal with my mother more frequently as she deteriorated in very challenging ways. She had become even more difficult than she’d always been, and I was trying to carry a full academic load in my final year of school.  I had just moved a couple months before, and was still trying to get settled.  I moved 3 times in 11 months, twice during the final 2 weeks of term when papers and projects are due.  It was chaos and ruined me financially.

I knew that the comment was made by H and that B had simply agreed with her.

You might be asking yourself: Did I confront H about that comment? I ask you: Would it have done any good??

I was so hurt by it that I hit the skids – badly. I knew it meant that H and B didn’t consider me the kind of friend they would help in an emergency — not even a medical one. After 30 years of knowing them both, that was where things were.

With that, and everything I had been through for the previous 20 years since my divorce (which hasn’t been described here aside from this friendship), I fell apart mentally and emotionally. I could no longer do my schoolwork. I was carrying a full load of four strongly academic classes year round. I was close to graduation, and I became completely unable to handle my final year of classes.

I simply lost the ability to think. I couldn’t read a paragraph. I forgot how to do academic research or write a paper, though I’d had a 3.9 grade point average, and had written excellent papers. I’d never experienced that phenomenon in my life and it scared me silly.

At the same time my Narcissist mother was becoming senile and losing her eyesight, hearing, and memory. She became even more abusive than before, and especially needy and demanding. My mother had already turned me into the Family Scapegoat with her side of the family here, as she had done with my father’s side of the family during my childhood in another state. They had become no support, though when I arrived they liked me just fine and we had a fair amount of contact and were developing nice cursory friendships. My mother put a stop to that by creating conflict and then whining about me. By this time, I was in the process of going No Contact with them.

I simply could not believe that H and B — whom I thought were good friends, whom I’d known for 30 years through our spiritual community, would not think of themselves as someone I could call in a medical emergency. I hadn’t lived here that long, and it is difficult and time-consuming to make close friends of that type in this fast-moving technological world where we have the paradox of constantly staying in touch while actually being more isolated.

I fell into a protracted period of despair, despondency and confusion. I lost interest in everything and everyone. I just didn’t care about anything anymore. I could only go through the basic motions of everyday life. The harsh reality that I meant so little to H and B was too much to bear after the trauma of recent years.

Even though the comment regarding my medical emergency should have been the absolute final straw, I still wanted H’s friendship. (Is your jaw dropping incredulously?!) We continue.  

I still would not face what a sick, dysfunctional friendship I was locked in to.

14 months ago, I made what H considered a highly questionable request about a difficult situation I was potentially in. I had just moved again so I could be closer to a new job (that’s 4 moves in 2 years). I had spent all my resources accomplishing the move. Not a month later, my new landlord (who is a great person, by the way, and a wonderful landlord) was suddenly laid off from his longterm professional job. He warned me that he might need his in-law apartment back so he coul rent out the main house. Fortunately, the situation quickly resolved in my favor a day or two later.

The situation having resolved quickly, I notified H. As usual, she didn’t read my email.  She often ignored my emails and only opened them when she felt like it, many times after the material was outdated and useless. Instead of reading the email, in the middle of the night she took it upon herself to write me a blistering email for being unethical, immoral, unspiritual, opportunistic, implying that I was unworthy of her friendship. “How dare I” ask her to help me think up something that would help me safely get from point A to point B in a potentially disastrous situation?

What I had asked H to do was similar to other ideas she has come up with in the past, but she conveniently forgot that. She is quite self-serving.  And what about the fact that I knew she was being very calculating about what she was doing to prepare her house for sale (nothing) and how long she was dragging it out (for several years).

It was clear to me that H had absolutely no concept I might need a break from her as well, and that I had needed one long before this incident. Of course she wouldn’t! She had never deigned to listen to any of my considerations, my requests for frank talks… nothing. It was simply not allowed. I was so Codependent with her that I never even considered taking a break from her except when things were so egregious that we periodically became estranged.

The email was at the same time cold and vitriolic.  I knew I was quickly getting to the point of being completely done with H. She didn’t know it though. She still thought I was addicted to her. I was – but at that point, I knew that I finally wanted out. I just didn’t know how I was going to go about it.

Little did I know how easy it would be.

Please go to Part 8: Turning Point (A Fortunate Online Meeting)

PART 6: The Beginning of The End

It is difficult to say exactly when I knew it was the end with H. There had been so many signs. It was certainly long overdue. I think there are many signposts along our journey but we don’t heed them because we are too entangled in the chaotic dysfunction.

Certainly, one sign was the incident in which H unfairly accused me of making someone attempt suicide.

Certainly, it was the betrayal of our friendship regarding my impossible living situation with S, which she had played a direct part in causing, then did nothing to listen or sympathize.

Certainly, it was H’s refusal to drive 13 miles and assist me in getting to a doctor while I was in agony with pleurisy – made worse by the fact I didn’t know what was wrong.

Certainly, it was when I realized that H did not want me calling her in any kind of emergency – not even a medical one. Certainly, it was when she left town without saying goodbye. Certainly, it was when she strangely contacted me with vague emails.

Certainly, it was when she asked after the fact whether I had gone to hear Harry Manx and learned I had missed it.

The Final Straw

Most of all, it certainly was when H did not directly respond to my news several months ago — sent via group email to friends and family — that my daughter was doing her first triathlon in Hawaii, having trained for months with her team while raising over $5100 for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society on her personal fundraising page.

Instead, H responded with that poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer entitled “The Invitation”.   There was no other comment. No greeting. No ending. Just the poem.

When I opened that email, I was stunned. I felt kicked in the stomach, and I had been. I was simply sharing my daughter’s good news. Clearly H had perceived it as me bragging about my daughter, and she was going to sock it to me for that. It was a jaw-droppingly self-righteous and offensive thing to do.

Am I not allowed to be proud of and share my daughter’s accomplishments? Apparently not.  Do I really deserve to be punished because I share my joy with my friends and family? Apparently so.  Did H really feel I was lording it over her? Apparently so.  Because that is what she would do — what she had always done — without realizing it. (Another trait of the Narcissist.)

And did H not remember that I had supported her own daughter’s Appalachian Trail journey?

If ever there were a sign that this woman was not my friend, this was finally it. Especially since there was no personal greeting and no acknowledgement of its message.

During the past year, I had supported over a several week period H’s daughter’s journey with her boyfriend on The Appalachian Trail. I had even followed it on the Internet with H. I showed an ongoing interest. I applauded it. I cared.

So that preachy, offensive, self-righteous email was the final straw. It was the final blow to the “friendship.” What more evidence did I possibly need?

Several weeks later, I went to visit my daughter out of state. I told her about H’s response to my daughter’s news. My daughter just looked at me and said “Mom, that’s really f-d up. That is obnoxious. That is psycho. Just ignore the b-. I never felt comfortable around her anyway. She’s weird.”

Not 30 minutes later, we returned home and I checked my email. There was an email from H, sent while I was having that conversation with my daughter. It was a “puppies, bunnies and kitties” type of electronic Easter greeting. Mind you, H is not a “puppies, bunnies and kitties” type of person at al, but she well knows that I am.

What a ploy.

I ignored it.

please go to Part 7: A Cruel Blow

Part 5: The Pot Boils Over

The second estrangement from H came two years later when my house mate was getting married suddenly and I needed a new place to live. H put me together with a friend of hers, S. S had been one of the friends H initially kept me away from. S was in financial trouble due to a sharp downsizing of her salary. She needed a renter in order to keep her house. I didn’t know just how unhappy and dysfunctional and difficult to deal with S would be.

The arrangement ended up being a disaster. Indeed, from the very beginning the signs of failure became obvious. S and I had different personalities, lifestyle and viewpoints, different schedules, different needs. It just wasn’t going to work. But S needed my money so badly that in order to save her mortgage she played her part well when we met to discuss the arrangement. I did not see any signs there would be a problem. Everything seemed on the up and up. She was very nice, I trusted her as H’s friend, and I had no reason to think S might be a complete disaster as a house mate.

S told me I could move my piano into her downstairs family room, then later denied ever saying it. She came home late one night from work to find the front door wide open and accused me of doing it. Another night she came home at midnight and found the toaster oven on at full blast. She accused me of leaving it on. I rarely used her filthy kitchen.  She had 6 cats and there were 3-4 litter boxes sitting underfoot in the kitchen.  (Is your jaw dropping??)  I rarely went in there.  All my stuff was stored in boxes downstairs and there was room for only a few things in the refrigerator.  And I certainly hadn’t been using her toaster oven late at night.  I had a toaster oven of my own in a makeshift space in my bathroom.

S never made a place for me in either of her two refrigerators, nor in her many cupboards. She just wanted my money so she wouldn’t lose her house, and she wanted me to abide by all her cockamamie, paranoid rules. The 6 cats alone were so high-maintenance that I went crazy. They were everywhere and I couldn’t move about the house without having to constantly open and close doors and make sure they didn’t get into certain rooms. It was crazy making.

And of course, the 6 cats came first! My pecking order was bottom rung. One would think S would show more consideration for someone who was literally helping her keep her house. It ended up costing me thousands of dollars I could not afford; I was a student at the time. I kept quiet for several weeks and finally I approached her about the refrigerator and the cupboards. My stuff was still in boxes. How had she not seen that?

How, as a landlord, had S thought she didn’t need to provide space for my food?? I had felt reluctant to approach her about it. She was under a great deal of stress and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or embarrass her. I grew increasingly uncomfortable.  Finally, after 4 months, I blew up. I spent the last 2-3 weeks living there without speaking to her. We avoided each other. The final straw came when I asked her “If I had talked to you about this at the very beginning, would it have made a difference?” She said no. I was absolutely floored.  I became enraged.  I lost it.  It made no sense at all, and she didn’t even care about my needs.  She never took responsibility for failing at the basics of being a landlord.  Of course, she ran to H and told her I had blown up at her.

I knew that H blamed me for what happened with S.  She had zero sympathy for my plight.  I felt betrayed and abandoned.  H adamantly refused to discuss it, saying that she was taking “the high road” and refused to “come between us.”  I knew full well that H was actually discussing it with S and I knew that she was siding with her because according to H, I am always in the wrong. And I knew H would want the gory details so she could stroke herself yet again about how much better a person she is than me. (Another trait of Narcissism.)

I began to suspect that H set me up with S knowing it would probably not work out with her.  Was she not thinking about our many differences?  Did she not see that S really didn’t want anyone living in her home, but only did it because she had to?  That is a recipe for failure, and the tenant is always the loser.

I cut off contact with H again for the next 18 months, but the damage was done. I had begun to realize that I was really getting screwed by her. This was no friend at all. It didn’t matter what the situation was, I was in the wrong, because I was… (insert H’s negative descriptions). And it didn’t matter what was going on, H never wanted to listen to my side of the story in difficult situations, because she was already convinced I was wrong. For the remaining 3 months out of 7 I lived with S, I had No Contact with H and S and I avoided each other as much as possible.

Even Hotter….

I moved to another location to get away from the madness of that situation. It cost a lot of money I didn’t have. I had to borrow it because I was on student loans. The new landlady, HS, turned out to be a Malignant Narcissist. Unfortunately HS happened to know S through her husband’s career. Without my knowledge, there ensued much gossip and backbiting about me, by people who did not even know me, and by H and S, and S’s sister and brother-in-law who worked with HS’s husband. In addition, my cousin’s boyfriend also knew my new landlords through his career, so my cousin heard all about it too.

So it was that many lies were told about my supposed actions and words, all to my discredit. And since by that time I was really losing my cool, I must be in the wrong! Of course! Case closed!

please go to Part 6: The Beginning of The End

PART 4: The Pot Heats Up

Six years ago, I moved to H’s area to be near my aging mother who was 80 and becoming frail.  I also wanted to make a fresh start after 14 devastating years.  It was a long drive. Part of the time, I thought about H and how it might be between us now that we would be living near each other. I concluded that H and I might not get along very well because I knew that I had become much more assertive. I wasn’t in a mood to back down like I always had. Through trials and tribulations, I was now much less like the Invert Narcissist H had always conveniently had at her disposal (back then I called it being her puppy dog). Looking back, I still had not fully accepted that I had a long way to go in winding out of the friendship, or that I even needed to.

After I arrived and got settled, H seemed pleased that I was there, but she kept me away from her friends. I had already known she would, so I wasn’t surprised. I suspected that she had some trepidation about my living close to her. (“What would that bring? I need her for my Narcissistic Supply but she gets so over the top!”) I knew H continued to complain and snark about me to her daughters and husband, something she’d always done judging by the way they treated me. They were all convinced I was a wacko. (Narcissists need their sources of Supply to appear “less than.”)

H never wanted to go anywhere or do anything — not even take a neighborhood walk. It became very frustrating. All we’d do is sit around talking for endless hours, watching TV (always cable news) and working on computers. She didn’t want to do anything spontaneous unless it was under her control. When we did infrequently do something outside her home, it always had to be what she wanted to do or it simply didn’t happen. And it was always her home where we got together, never mine. I felt H was a bit agoraphobic and definitely a control freak, but I was still willing to overlook all that.

There opened up whole new ways for H to intimidate me: “You drink too much coffee”. “Your chicken soup is too greasy.” “The TV shows you like are frivolous.”  ”You pay too much attention to my cats.” “You don’t understand how to handle my cats.”  Just a few examples of many.

Shortly after my arrival, the job interview I’d been promised beforehand fizzled out. It turned out the person who offered it had engaged in some very wishful thinking about her employer. (She was also a recovering meth addict and an ex-convict, and traveled with an open bottle of brandy wherever she went which I only found out after moving in.)

I was trained in therapeutic massage and had practiced for 10 years, so H put me together with a long ago former acquaintance of hers, J, who was ill with cancer and with whom she had very recently reconnected (found out he was living in our city). J was disabled and terminally ill, and could use some therapeutic massage due to being wheelchair bound. He was a former radio personality in the Midwest. He was sarcastic and passive-aggressive. He was a difficult client. He made promises he didn’t keep. He denied saying things. He would often keep me waiting, without communicating the reason why.

J never took responsibility for his words and actions, and was very snarky about “spiritual types” (i.e. me, and he was conflicted about H though fond of her). He mocked anyone who was not exactly like him or who did not impress him, which was pretty much everyone since he had a lot of money. He mocked people online, yet went around to several nice restaurants where he had made sure everyone knew him. He was “hail fellow well met” in those situations, which took place on a daily basis.

Not surprisingly, I soon became exasperated by the chaos and negativity with J.  I wrote him a letter calling him nicely but firmly on several of his broken promises, his denials, and his changing things up at the last minute. I politely asked him to take care of that so we could have a proper business relationship.

In response (or should I say reaction), J immediately thereafter attempted suicide. For several days, he was in the hospital at the brink of death. I learned that J had attempted suicide several times in the past. I wasn’t surprised. J was a “cry wolf” type of person, and I had already experienced him as a vituperative pathological liar — a Narcissist, really.

It was easy to see right through J, even though we had just met. J knew I was struggling financially, and he held me in contempt for that, calling me a loser. I should have walked away, but no — I just had to convince J of how terribly he was behaving, as if that would somehow magically solve the problem. (Something VoNPD’s do all too often.)

When H learned of my letter to J (clearly he had used the letter as an excuse for his suicide attempt), she wrote me a ferocious dismissive email, accusing me of making J attempt suicide. I have worked in suicide prevention. No one “makes someone” attempt suicide. It was J’s choice. He had done it before, and it was clearly an act of spite. It was an excuse to act out and get attention.

The ploy sure worked on H, though. She accused me of “changing”, she “thought she knew me” and she blasted me for how she “just couldn’t believe what I had done.”

Excuse me. I asserted myself thoughtfully and politely to a master manipulator and he made a personal choice. There was nothing mean-spirited at all in my letter. J just didn’t like being called out for what he was doing — not even politely.

That became my first estrangement with H, within months of my moving here. The estrangement lasted almost 2 years, until we ran into each other at a meeting. I had known I might run in to her, and I was planning to avoid her. Unfortunately, when I walked in there was no place to sit except directly behind her.

Of course, we simply picked up where we had left off. Nothing was ever said about the suicide incident and H never went near J’s name. She never even once admitted that suicide is a choice which is common knowledge if you know anything about the field. She claimed to know so much about life and people, but she didn’t know that basic fact. She never apologized for her accusations. Now, if you had said such awful things to someone and really believed them, would you let them back into your life? I wouldn’t, because I wouldn’t say them unless I had strong evidence the accusations were true. But Narcissists do let the people they lambaste back in. It’s all a part of the game.

In my estimation, H made herself look foolish with regard to the subject of suicide while pretending to be knowledgeable about life, people and spirituality. I found out much later from someone else that J had died from the cancer not long after that suicide attempt.

please go to Part 5: The Pot Boils Over

Part 3 – REWRITTEN HISTORY

In our late twenties H and I lost contact for a couple of years. One day out of the blue, she called me to announce the birth of her first child the day before. I was a little surprised, but I was basically OK with the call. It did make sense to reconnect, since she had just given birth and I had just gotten married 9 days before.

Many years later, H told me that she had felt abandoned by many women in our spiritual community after she moved 2200 miles away, and that it had deeply hurt her. I pointed out that I had done the same thing, and had felt the very same way. I suggested to her that it was just modern life. While not always intentional, it happens more frequently than we would like. But as I probed deeper, I discovered that she had expected them to keep in touch with her, even though she was the one who moved away. In my experience the one who moves away usually needs to make the effort to stay in contact much more than the ones who remain behind. It’s pretty much of out of sight/out of mind, especially when your friends are part of a large spiritual community in a very large metro area.

A little over a year ago, I learned that in her own mind H has rewritten part of her personal history — stuff that was going on in her life when we first met all those years ago. I’m sure there is more rewritten history. (Rewriting history is a significant theme in Narcissism.)

While we were hanging out one day, H stated out of the blue that her ex-boyfriend, SC, with whom we both lived in the same house for a few months, had been “ganged-upon by his entire family”. They had “forced him to break up” with her “because she was lazy”. They felt that she “would not be a responsible mother”. I acknowledged her statements, but it didn’t sound quite right.

I called the ex-boyfriend. I asked SC if it were true, because that is not how I remembered it. He reminded me that he alone had decided to break up with H, because he could not trust her to make joint decisions about their future together while he was still in school. He had asked her to wait about children. He said that soon after that request, there had been a pregnancy scare after an abortion within a month after they got together.

All those years we’d had so many deep conversations about so many things, and she had never once mentioned it. She knew some things about my life that were just as negative in a different way, yet it was never mentioned. I had known about the abortion, having just moved in with them.  I had even helped her through it because she had chosen to do it by herself with some herb. Why did H feel the need to hide the pregnancy scare?  Why had she allowed me to think for 30 years that she had broken up with him instead of the other way around?

A couple of years after her relationship with SC ended, H left the region to start living with BD, a former college boyfriend with whom she had begun communicating again. I realize now that she trapped him into a relationship and marriage by becoming pregnant. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I see that H was determined to be pregnant by someone.

H had become convinced that at age 29 she was not going to be able to find a spiritual man to marry.  Certainly not in our spiritual community. Many of them were slackers, flyboys or wusses – not real men.  (This was a view I shared, as did many other women.)  Had H left BD (when she arrived after driving 2200 miles, she found him with another woman), she would have returned to continue with a man, A, whom I never knew about until recently.

Several months after H told me she “needed a break” from me, and after she’d started sending me strange email “hooks”, I called A to tell him that my friendship with H was done. It was my way of doing preliminary damage control, because I was preparing to go completely No Contact with H. I knew how she talked about me to her family and friends, and it wasn’t nice. I knew that she was still friendly with A and I knew she has complained about me to him before.

A told me that H almost went back to him after finding BD — her future and current husband — with another woman. I told A I had never known about their affair. A made some comment about public appearances because it wasn’t a committed relationship.

I remarked to A that he had probably avoided being trapped into fatherhood. He left that alone. (What did I expect? He’s an attorney!) As the conversation wound down, A remarked that he felt I would reconsider my decision after some time had passed. It was obvious he felt that’s what I should do. I told A it would never happen because I was 100% done and I was sure of it.

I suspect A, as a member of our former spiritual community, thought I was being “unspiritual” and “unforgiving” and “too harsh”. I don’t care. A has no idea what I have been through with H. A still nurtures (along with several other men) his long-held fantasies about her, which will probably never die seeing as how most men are about female physical beauty, unattainable women and their fantasy lives.

please go to Part 4: The Pot Heats Up

Introduction

As part of my healing, and at the request of a therapist and a support group, I have endeavored to write this account, as many people do who are journeying this particular road.  Only the highlights have been included – those that best portray the issues.

Far more has been written about the Male Narcissist than the Female Narcissist. I often see statements that claim 75% of narcissists are men. I don’t agree with that – not in our present society. Those of us studying the subject — and experts on the subject no doubt realize — that there are more Female Narcissists than ever before. In fact, I believe that the current numbers are staggering, especially amongst America’s youth and young adults.

I’ve had a few Female Narcissists in my life. They are intrinsic; my mother, my high-school “best friend” G and my adult “best friend” H whom I met 32-1/2 years ago. There were other minor female Narcissists in my life who fortunately passed through pretty quickly but not without wreaking some serious havoc.

There have also been a fair number of Male Narcissists in my life. I am not sure whether he is a Narcissist, but my ex-husband was very abusive and stubborn and once stated to me “I don’t care about your happiness”. As far as I can see, he had many Narcissistic Traits. That’s another story I may or may not write about. It would be difficult to tell it without revealing easily identifiable information about the parties involved, and I don’t think that would be appropriate. If I can find a way to tell the story in a manner that protects the privacy of others, I’ll write it.

My first post – written in 11 parts – describes my former friendship with H. It skips ahead of my relationship with my mother D, and the former high school “best friend” G. I plan to write about them. For now though, H has been at the forefront of my mind these past several days. Our birthdays – five days apart – were 2-1/2 weeks ago. After a few months of No Contact, H sent me an electronic birthday card, though I had ignored her birthday a few days prior.

************

For the past six years, I have been winding out of my challenging, complicated, decades-long friendship with H. I would not be so presumptuous as to diagnose H with full-on (Narcissistic Personality Disorder “NPD”), though that might well be true. That is for a qualified psychologist to evaluate and diagnose, which will probably never happen given how adept those with Narcissistic traits are at avoiding therapy or convincing an ineffective therapist that there is nothing wrong with them. It will probably never happen in this case, given how invested H is in holding on to her construct for dear life. For that is what Narcissists do — hold on to their inner madness for dear life.

What a painful existence it must be. And the pain they cause others is just as bad — in a different way.

All through three decades I have known that H is a control freak and a tightly controlled person due to childhood trauma in a privileged family, but I had never considered the idea that the fundamental problem might be the many Traits of Narcissism resulting from her early Narcissistic Wound(s).  Until recently, I had always given H the benefit of the doubt.  Finally, I realized that I could no longer afford to cut H such amazing slack.  I sensed that if I continued to do so, it was ultimately going to do me in – in a very big way.  My life was already in serious trouble, and I didn’t need any more chaos and destruction.

Since going No Contact with H during the past year, my life has been less chaotic. It is more peaceful, less driven, more focused. I dare say my life is slowly resurrecting. Sometimes I do not quite believe it but I know it’s true, and I know that I must keep believing it. My very survival depends upon it.  In addition, I am no longer afraid — well, for the most part!

I met C, a wonderful online friend, several months ago. After we initially got to know one another, C mentioned her Narcissist mother and that she had finally gone No Contact with her after a lifetime of struggle. I began to realize that my mother has many of the same traits and behaviors that C’s mother has.

Soon I started considering asking my friend C her opinion about my former friend H. I finally did write it out, and sent it with some trepidation. (I was still shell-shocked by a group of cyberpaths 2-3 years ago.)

Because of my story, C not only helped me to realize that H may have a mild form of NPD, but that my mother is probably a Narcissist as well.

C’s mother is a Malignant Narcissist.  Malignant Narcissism is different in that it contains elements of sadism.  C suffered greatly — both physically and mentally — at the hands of her mother, starting in the womb (a botched self-abortion). C has been studying NPD (“Narcissistic Personality Disorder”) for the past 10 years.  She steered me toward some websites and discussion boards where one can read about the characteristics of Narcissism, how to deal with a Narcissist, and how to disengage.

Some sites are much better than others. One does have to use critical thinking with some of these sites. “Buyer” beware. I would especially beware of sites that claim Narcissism can be healed or that Narcissists can become more “normal”.

So I finally began my journey away from Narcissistic relationships in my life.

I recognized a lot of Narcissistic Traits in H and my mother too. I started learning how to disengage, why I had to disengage, and how to heal. While doing all that reading, I had to face the fact that I have actually drawn many Narcissists into my life. Worse, I allowed them to stay. I was even addicted to them staying. I have begun the journey to understanding why. Writing this blog is the second stage of that process.

I am very grateful to C. She took the time to nail me to the wall about H. As mentioned, she made me face not only that H probably has NPD (or at least is a person with many traits), but that my mother probably has NPD as well. Indeed, the relationship with my mother is probably how I fell into the friendship with H, and it is probably why I married my ex-husband and why I have allowed so many other Narcissists into my life.

The fact that I never engaged in therapy as a child — something my parents knew I sorely needed — was also a huge factor.  (I have a birth defect from my father’s side that causes me severe health problems and social/employment issues.  All of my vital organs are reversed.  It is called “dextrocardia, situs inversus totalis” which causes “Primary Ciliary Dyskinesis” (“PCD”) and leads to “Kartagener’s Syndrome”. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.)

Therefore, when I entered high school I had already been well-bullied and ostracized in elementary school and I had become the Family Scapegoat (thanks to my  mother’s childhood Narcissistic Wound).  I became “best friends” with G.  My parents hated her.  They both saw right through G.  I was her little minion.  She was always thinner, better at cheerleading jumps, had more boyfriends and boys liking her, had thicker prettier hair, could grow it longer… there was no end to her superiority over me. When I confided in G that I had a crush on a cute popular basketball player – a Big Man On Campus as we used to say, she told people and it got back to him.  She made sure I knew he had made a face.  I was hurt and humiliated.  When our cheerleader shorts arrived from the seamstress, G told me to hold mine up next to hers.  A satisfied little smile came over her face.   Hers were smaller.   Not by much, but enough to make a difference to her.  At the time, I thought she was strange.  I didn’t know then that it was a destructive non-friendship.  I didn’t know then that I was mostly just Narcissistic Supply for H, and not much else.

It is no easy task to face that you are a VoNPD (“Victim of Narcissistic Personality Disorder”), or that you are an Invert Narcissist providing Narcissistic Supply to a Narcissist.  First, you are usually both Victim and Invert. Invert Narcissism is also sometimes referred to as Codependency. As I understand it, at the very least it goes hand in hand with Codependency. You have to recognize that you are not only a victim, but that you demonstrate many qualities of Narcissism while locked into the N relationship.

My mother survived childhood trauma, and probably incest (father).  She has never discussed it. To this day, at the age of 86, my mother still exhibits many Narcissistic Traits. She can be a very difficult person to deal with, and has been all my life. One of her worst traumas took place at age 14, therefore it is no surprise that when I reached age 14 things turned ugly in my household.  Thereafter, I was a perfect target for someone like the high school “best friend” G, and H who I met several years later in a spiritual community in the Bay Area of San Francisco.

My mother was very conflicted about me.  First, she did love me.  She was very upset about my health problems, and tried in vain for  many years to cure it until I put a stop to it (severely painful allergy scratch tests covering my back).  Many times I felt that love, and I still do even sometimes to this day.  Second, no doctor or specialist had ever told her that my birth defect could not be cured.  They never made her understand that my health could only be managed, not cured.  She kept refusing to face that nothing was working, and I suffered greatly at the hands of many doctors and their theories and experiments on me.  Some of them were ridiculously primitive.  Of course, none of it ever worked.

Third, she projected her childhood trauma onto me and saw me as her own mother.  When I was an adult, she once told me I was her mother reincarnated to haunt and harass her. The Family Scapegoat abuse started when I was about 8 or 9, and escalated when I was 14, the age she had been when “the church people” confronted my grandmother about my grandfather and my mother sleeping in the same bed.  That is when the main Narcissistic wound took place, along with probably having slept with her father in the same bed for X number of years; how many I’ll probably never know.

It takes a lot of courage to understand what the many traits of Narcissism are, how they manifest, and that you have become entangled in them.  It takes a lot of courage to disengage, which is always necessary. Last but not least, you still have the task of becoming increasingly healthy after disengaging.  And you must prevent a Narcissist from ever entering your life again.  That is a tall order.  It is certainly do-able though.

Please go to Part 2: The Meeting

What is sovereignty and does anyone still have any?

Autoritatile si cadrele medicale britanice au pornit o campanie de presa in care atrag atentia asupra pericolului care le pandeste pe impatimitele saloanelor de bronzare artificiala. Demersul a aparut in urma cazului unei tinere care si-a pierdut definitiv vederea in urma sedintelor prelungite de bronzare la solar.

Sam Laining, o tanara in varsta de 23 de ani din orasul Sunderland, s-a ales cu tumori benigne la ambii ochi in urma sedintelor prelungite de solar, medicii declarand ca nici macar o interventie chirurgicala nu-i mai poate salva vederea. Tanara a ajuns in acesta situatie dramatica in urma deciziei de a se bronza fara ochelari de protectie, motivandu-si alegerea prin faptul ca dorea sa se bronzeze uniform pe fata, fara zone deschise la culoare in jurul ochilor. Asociatia Saloanelor de Bronzare Artificiala din Marea Britanie declara, la randul ei, ca salonul in cauza nu poate fi tras la raspundere penala, deoarece tanara a ales in mod intentionat sa ignore masurile de protectie oferite.

La varsta de 19 ani, Sam Laining a inceput sa frecventeze saloanele de bronzare artificiala. In urma cu trei luni a inceput sa acuze o senzatie de uscaciune in ochi, alaturi de aparitia unor pete rosii pe iris. Verdictul medicilor oftalmologi, in urma unui consult amanuntit, a fost acela de pterygium, o tumoare benigna cauzata de expunerea indelungala la lumina ultravioleta.

Sursa: www.descopera.ro

I made the appointment for the needle biopsy that was required of me….

The whole thing did scare me, but I didn’t want to completely freak out before the procedure.  I imagined them sticking in a little needle that would just poke through my skin and suck goo out of my mystery tumor through a little syringe.  The whole thing didn’t seem at all violent or traumatic, so I decided not to think about it.

What I did think about was how sad I would be if I did have cancer and never got the chance to be married.  Even if I did live long enough to get married, that I wouldn’t get to see my first child.  The whole thing had me severly depressed for a day or two.   When my boyfriend and I were driving in the car on the way to church and he started singing a love song to me that was on his CD player, I started bawling.  He probably thought I was just mad or upset at him, but I was actually mourning our relationship if I had to die early in life.  Thinking that you might have cancer really puts everything in perspective.  I know how much I love him now, and that is unconditionally and eternally.

My appointment was at 8:30am, so I got up bright and early and headed down to SCCA Breast Imaging.  Before my procedure started, they asked me if I would give blood and be part of a study on people who get cancer versus those who don’t.  After I agreed and donated 4 viles, I headed into the biopsy room a.k.a. a normal ultrasound room….

Let’s just say it wasn’t a small needle..

They luckily numbed me very well… and I could watch the whole thing on the ultrasound screen and not see the gross stuff  right in front of my face.   If anyone is facing a needle biopsy on their breast, just know it takes a little while.  They took 4 samples with their giant needle, using a guide.  The guide went in before the needle, to make sure the needle would line up with the tumor.  it’s this plastic tube, like a straw.  It makes a slight “pop” when it goes in.  I didn’t feel a single thing, though.

All in all it wasn’t horrible.  I had breakfast with my mother afterward and felt minimal pain.  I took Tylenol only and iced it.  A week later I still have a bruise, but I’m healed.

3 days ago I heard the news that the tumor was benign, so I am happy girl. I am resolving to eat more breast healthy foods, and exercise regularly to stay on the right track.  Even though I never had cancer, I still feel to some degree that I’ve been given another chance at life.

Hopefully nothing develops in the next 6 months…

Arrg…it’s happened again. So busy the week has disappeared and my blog has remained unposted…. Kim can relate…in fact read her post…

One thing did get my attention this week….Yes I was fasinated by a story about combatting erectile dysfunction. Apparently the venom from a poisonous spider can help as a remedy for erectile dysfunction.  Seems quite obvious really, any insect bite can cause redness, heat and swelling….well what more do you need to combat ED (That’s Erectile Dysfunction not Emergency department…..nobody knows the cure for the latter!)

Quite how the researchers came up with the hypothesis -Toxic Spider bite cures ED,  I don’t know, and if I did have ED I’m not sure how keen I’d be to try this approach…. “Well hello, nice legs, fancy going down for a bite???” (Sorry I’m feeling smutty this week!)

Hmmm, I think I’ll have to stop there, sorry it is short and random, this week, next week promises to be worse…but I’ll try my best…

OK, so I’ve had three weeks off and returned to 200+ emails and a stack of post

My room looked like it had been tidied when in fact it had been stripped of all essential goods, (gloves, urine sticks, prescriptions etc.) Someone had even found a half rotten apple in my cupboard, and rather than usefully thowing it away, they’d gone to the effort of writing on it some sarcastic comment about it being “not exactly fresh fruit”, and nobody had bothered to water my plant.  Needless to say I’ve some catching up to do, and writing my blog is going to have to go on hold for another week. Well sort of… 3 weeks with no post is bad enough, but 4 is terrible, so I’ve found a relevent email I though you might enjoy…and I’ll try to restore normal service next week…. 

Disclaimer for the stupid…the following is supposed to be funny and not to be taken for advice!!!!!!!

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: ‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a Ride’ AND….. For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

When I am being good and reading medical blogs rather than wasting time playing Facebook games, I check in on Musings of a Dinosaur, she was recently reflecting back over her “Laws of dinosaur”. It’s in her right hand column and worth checking out…  This inspired me to try writing my own laws of clinical practice for Primary Care Nurse Practitioners…

Here goes….

Law One: They say common diagnosis are common but you can bet your arse, you get the uncommon one when you are running late.

Law Two: Always assume that the last clinician to see your patient was incompetent and therefore start from scratch with your history taking and assessment.  Especially if the last clinician to see them was you!

Law Three: Remember all your patients are going to die, just make sure it isn’t today and it isn’t your fault!

Law Four (a): Always follow your instincts. If your sixth sense is telling you to get a coffee…get a coffee! (or do an ECG or whatever…but always get a coffee).

Law Four (b- subsection 1): Always trust you first impressions, you are not being prejudice but trusting your senses.

Law Four (b – subsection 2): Believe your nose, rather that an alcoholic in denial.

Law Five: Finding the diagnosis of a patient is not as important as finding out their agenda.

Law Sicks (a): Patients obviously think that you don’t know what a cough sounds like until they have demonstrated it.

Law Sicks (b): A limping patient can walk away from the surgery without a limp.

Law Seven: Unravelling the confusion behind a simple statement, is as difficult as unravelling a simple statement from behind the confusion, because too much information when you need less is as distracting as too little when you need more.

Law Seven (revised): Keep it simple but insure you understand all the facts.

Law Eight: Advising patients not to believe what they have found out on the internet, and then printing off an information leaflet from a web page may appear slightly hypocritical.

Law Nine: Always assume your patient is a specialist consultant professor in whatever you are assessing them for, but also assume they no nothing about what you are telling them about, and then try not to patronise them.

Law Ten: The most important things to know is what you don’t know (AKA know your limitations).

These are not to replace the Dinosaurs laws which I think are fabulous,  especially “there is no cure for stupid” and “poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part”, but merely my shallow attempt to add to them. Please add your own in the comments box!

Strange fact for the day…despite it’s unpleasant nature, in someones notes I just wrote “Penis erythemous” and it felt strangely poetic.

Communication is a constant activity. It is universal and essential feature of human expression and organization. Its scope is as broad as society itself, for every social act involves communication. Communication is concerned with sending and receiving knowledge, ideas, facts, figures, goals, emotions and values. It is much more than an occasional technique employed to convey a message. It is a ceaseless activity of all human beings, and therefore also of all human organizations. Communication is also a central element of the way in which people relate to and cooperate with each other, interpersonal event which is the building block of society. Individuals not only send and receive information in order to cooperate, but parallel with this individuals are constantly communicating their self-images to all around them. Whether we like it or not, whatever a person does as a social act will be observed by others, and is therefore a communication about themselves.

 Communication is more than a marketing tool. It is also an important basis of culture. It has fostered language and music, literature and philosophy, science and poetry. So in one sense, communication can be viewed as neutral and benign, a form of human interaction which helps society and the organizations within it to work well, and which can only benefit those who take part in it. This would be a reasonable approach to a definition if every communication included everything that could possibly be said on a subject, but of course this would be impossible. Communication is a selective art, as important for what it does not convey as for what it does convey.

 Communication is also a human skill, so it is concerned with the state of mind of the communicator, and with the state of mind of the person intended to receive the communication. Communications objectives are often specified as outcomes of attitude change.

 Does this mean that marketing communication is propaganda? To qualify as propaganda, business communication must be seeking to influence the emotional attitudes of others without allowing them to make an effective or rational choice. This is never the situation in business, where in every market there are competitors, and for every product or service there is an alternative or substitute. Indeed, the existence of competition is now arguably a necessary precondition for business strategy. Communication by a business is a creative form of differentiation, always competitive, always seeking to persuade customers, shareholders and employees that its own market offerings are the best choice available. That is the sales pitch of the marketplace, not the imperative of propaganda.

 My Consultancy–Asif J. Mir - Management Consultant–transforms organizations where people have the freedom to be creative, a place that brings out the best in everybody–an open, fair place where people have a sense that what they do matters. For details please visit www.asifjmir.com, Line of Sight

Back in June Kim posted a rather poetic account of a shift in the ER where lots of her regulars turned up at once, bit of a “four weddings and a funeral” post, well more of a “one recovering drug addict, a few births, one wedding and a funeral”.  I posted a comment and then felt the need to go on… so to save her comment box space, I’ve poached her topic…(mine will be less romantic no doubt…)

Less romantic regulars!!

Both in my past life as an Emergency Department nurse and in my present Nurse Practitioner life I’ve had “regulars”.

It’s expected in Primary care, after all they lack much option but to come back and see you, but some do more than others. Obviously the mums with lots of children come a lot and it’s lovely to get to know them. You get to see the kids grow up and then finally issue the kids with contraceptives, which they forget to use and you get to watch their kids grow up…I’ve not been here quite long enough for that part yet.

I have some regulars who will only see me.  We all have them.  But sometimes it’s a bit of a heart-sink.  I sometimes have the urge to say: “Well your depression is quite bad, and seems to be induced due to problems with family members/partners/work, so perhaps you’d be better moving to a new area…starting afresh and somewhere preferably outside our catchment area…bye!”  I of course refrain.

Mostly it is a nice bond that forms though. 

One for the girls!! A nice Bond?  I prefer a nice blonde!

For Emergency departments it is a different issue all together. The regulars there are typically social drop outs, addicts and of course just the damn right clumsy.

Years after leaving the Emergency department a few characters remain in my subconscious, one of which I expect is no longer around.

One such example was a young chap, who every weekend (twice or three times some weekends), would be bought in by ambulance after a concerned member of the public rang for help having found him bleeding and unconscious in the street.  He was a mess, so drunk that he couldn’t remember how he cut his head open (again), it may have been a drunken brawl or perhaps just an alcohol and gravity induced kiss with concrete.  He would swear, dribble and invariable smelt of urine. 

Now if you didn’t know him you would probably stitch him up and turn him out, but if you did know him you knew that he would be returned in 30 minutes by another concerned member of the public. So we’d lay him in a corner to sleep and then very nicely presented him with a cup of coffee and some toast before the next shift came on…by which time he had sobered adequately into a nice professional sounding gentleman, who apologised in case he’d caused any problems and said “See you!” (which of course we knew we would) A real case of Jekyll and Hyde alcoholic!

Then there was our elderly “gentleman”, who would come in under similar circumstances; nissed as a pewt and shout abuse at everyone who would pay attention to him…quite a vile chap. We knew the best thing to do was leave him alone until he was sober enough to storm out. You knew when he was in the department as patients relatives would come up to you in a worried frenzy: “Urrmm, nurse, nurse, that man’s trying to hang himself on the cord in his room”. It seemed harsh, but we used to reply:

“Thanks, but don’t worry about him.  He normally does that.”

Obviously if you are going to hang yourself you do it somewhere where you won’t get attention and certainly not on a nurse call cord!  We always left him to it and never did he so much as pull the cord hard enough to ring for a nurse, let alone hang himself!

Then there was the poison dwarf…

She regularly tried to do self harm…but not simple wrist cutting…oh no, she would do the bizarre and scary. She ate things…then have to be admitted for surgery. Then she would open her surgical abdo wounds and insert spoons etcetera!  On one occasion she came in with an entourage of men in uniform (Paramedics and Police), spraying blood from her mouth as she was chewing on several razor blades.  She wouldn’t spit them out, and nobody would put their hand into her mouth to retrieve them for fear of loosing a finger to a bite or a razor blade.

Ahhhh, yes, the Emergency department regulars…how I miss them?!

Now I’m just going to eat the Kit Kat one of my Primary Care regulars bought me…ahhh!

An acute syndrome defined by:

1. fatty liver/cirrhosis
2. severe (right upper quadrant) abdominal pain
3. jaundice
4. hyperlipidemia
5. hemolytic anemia

It is often precipitated by excessive alcohol consumption.

Leslie Zieve is an American physician (b. 1919) who served as a military surgeon.  He described the syndrome in 1946 while he was a resident at the University of Minnesota Veteran’s Hospital.