How mind acquired knowledge? (Nov. 25, 2009)

Berkeley, the British philosopher of the 19^th century, insists that we cannot directly comprehend objects with just our senses: our senses are causally linked to phenomena that are affected by the objects. In this case, the “existence of objects” becomes problematic if we try to insert a third transmission factor between the subject and the object to account for our comprehension. The traditional reflection that we need a speculative concept-based system of thinking to mediate between object and subject has been disrupted by physical sciences.

By the by, the conviction that transformations of our senses lead to comprehending brute matters relied on a double proof: first, the impossibility of acquiring knowledge by the sole speculative thinking and second, empirical research enhanced our knowledge base.

Hume, another British philosopher, claimed that causal relations, among other concepts considered essential, cannot be understood from matters that are offered to our senses.  According to Hume, the sensed brute matter is our only source of knowledge and thus, it modifies our understanding but never leads us to formulating laws: “empirical knowledge is never certain”. Hume warned against indulging into metaphysical concept (as the true opposite to objectivity); this word “metaphysic” aroused this erroneous fear that got the subsequent contemporary philosophers rattled and wrote thousand of obscure pages just to sounding objective. This anxious fear of extending metaphysical notions prompted philosophers into describing objects as equivalent to their qualities or characteristics, thus, evaluating relations is equivalent to evaluating qualities.

Consequently, contemporary philosophers reached this understanding that sure and stable knowledge has to be founded on reasoning such as it is done in geometry and the principle of causality. The paradox, said Einstein, is that we learned that most reasoning systems do not necessarily generate certainty in any field of science or that are intimately necessary for our knowledge development.

Bertrand Russell in his “Inquiry into meaning and truth” stated: “We all start with the realism that objects are what they appear: grass is green, snow is cold, and stone is hard. Then physics teaches us that color, heat, or hardness are different in quality or characteristics of what we might have experienced. The observer is in fact registering the impressions of the grass, snow, or stone. When science attempts to be objective it sinks, against its will, into subjectivity. Thus, naïf realism leads to physics, physics then demonstrates that realism is false. Logically false, and thus false.”

To avoid their concepts being labeled “metaphysical” then Scientists have been formulating boundaries or axioms to their concepts; for example, in order for a concept not to degenerate into metaphysic then first, enough numbers of propositions must be linked to the sensed world and second, the conceptual system must have essential functions of re-arranging, organizing, and synthesizing the sensed “reality”. A system expresses a game of logical symbols ruled by logical arbitrary given propositions.

Einstein is not bothered at all by the term metaphysic; he does not mind accepting an object as an independent concept in spatial-temporal structures. As he views it, it is unavoidable bypassing metaphysical concepts and thus, there should be no need to be apprehensive of a concept being considered metaphysical. Einstein thinks that concepts are logically creations of the mind, that it cannot be due to inductive reasoning from the sensed experiences. For example, prime numbers are considered invention of the mind. Yes, that concepts are extracted from the sensed brute matters is a reasonable contention, what is wrong is to exclude all concepts not considered to be related to the sensed world as metaphysical concepts.

What is so fishy about contemporary philosophy is that they avoid dwelling on the processes of hundreds of thousands of years that was necessary for human brain to acquire the necessary associations and images of objects and expressions, of metaphors, and then abstract analogies. It is my contention that reasoning methods of induction, deduction, and logical systems of rules are but organizations and descriptions of mental processes of the brain and memories for retrieving and recalling stored information. I believe that the neo-cortex has been undergoing specialized connected areas for expert specialized and restricted disciplines for work or labor divisions. General knowledge is going down the drain that will result in man destruction and moral oblivion.

Você já foi em algum  “sing-a-long” na sua vida? Eu também nunca tinha ido até uns anos atrás quando lí no jornal que um cinema no centro de Berkeley teria um “sing-a-long” da Noviça Rebelde.

Eu – P., o que é um sing-a-long?

P.- É quando todo mundo canta acompanhando as músicas do filme, uma coisa bem americana, você não vai gostar.

Eu – Você tá brincando? É da Noviça Rebelde, isso quer dizer que eu vou ver o filme na tela e vou poder cantar junto, sem ninguém achar que eu sou louca?

P.- Exatamente, mas você vai reclamar, porque tem gente que vai fantasiada, senso de ridículo zero, etc.

Eu- Mas eu quero ir, e tenho certeza que vou ficar até o fim. ( tenho que contar também que “A Noviça Rebelde” é o filme que mais gosto na vida, aquele que meu pai me levou no cinema quando eu era pequeninha, e me ensinou a cantar todas as músicas).

Bom, o que aconteceu é que nesse dia minha sogra estava aqui conosco e acabamos indo pro sing-a-long da Noviça Rebelde em 2 carros, porque o P. e ela  disseram que ficariam só um pouquinho, que só estavam indo pra fazer companhia.

Acho que você já adivinharam o final da história: o negócio era tão animado e tão divertido que todo mundo ficou lá até o último momento. Cantamos, dançamos, demos muita risada com as pessoas fantasiadas de personagens do filme.

Contei toda essa hostória pra dizer que tem sing-a-long da Noviça Rebelde essa semana lá no Castro Theater. É muito engraçado, muito divertido, um programa que você vai lembrar pra sempre, e que não está em nenhum livro de turismo de São Francisco. Passa lá pra cantar com eles.

“Sing-a-long Sound of Music “

27-28-29 de novembro no Castro Theater

The biggest debates from the day was between those who think that this protest was ‘pointless’ and ’stupid’ vs those who think that it is ‘important’ and ‘worthy’. I’m fascinated about this question – about strategies for bringing about change, and the enormous gaps between how the debate is framed by both kinds of people.

I’ve been giving some thought to the objections that have been raised by those who see anthropocentricity as an objection to creationism or even theism. The epistemological gap is fundamental and cannot be avoided. I can only see the universe through my perceptions and then rely on my perceptions of others to come to what really amounts to a perception-consensus about what truth is. Nobody in the RichardDawkins.net forum seems to account for the fact that even a unity of thought, as to what scientific observations/perception mean, does not warrant the conclusion that the issue of how the universe or Man came to be is resolved.

Name one scientific rule that is wholly infallible and which can never be changed. Does evolution theory get a special dispensation from its believers? Why not admit that evolution may very well be only a partial answer, a best answer, but certainly not the final answer? Until one ‘gets off the dime’ on the position of absolutism, there cannot be the possibility of argument. If either the the evolutionists or the creationists have the absolute final answer, there is nothing to talk about. If there are, among them, those who are willing to come off the absolutism platform, at least for purposes of argument, a discussion can be had.

As Denish D’Souza points out, for example, it may very well be that is has been accepted as a rule that light travels at 186,000 mph. However, no scientist knows whether that is true in all places in the universe or near wormholes or blackholes, assuming these exist. If there is a background noise, we don’t know what happens to light at the ‘edge of the universe.’ The law of physics as they apply to light, for example, are subject to revision. In several places in the God Delusion, and in Dawkins’ Darwin Lecture at Stanford, he does unequivocally claim that natural selection and evolution are the only plausible answer(s) for all that is — thereby allowing him to eliminate one more god from the list of others who have fallen at the hands of intellectualism and science. Nevertheless, he has not, and cannot, defeat the human conception that there is something higher than genetic destiny and that higher thing sits outside of our personal/human condition.

The response that I see to the anthropocentricity objection is essentially as follows:

I am the center of my perception as you are to yours. The further we look into the world the more we come to an understanding of the atomic universe and the principles that govern it. Incredibly, microbiology seems to be coming up with many of the same findings or observations that the astrophysicists are (i.e., as to the atomic structure of all that is and the rules that govern it).

Similarly, the further out we look into the universe, we revert to a principled view of the atomic universe. Under either analysis, we come back to the same place and remain the center of our universe. We are the center of our universe and we always come back to the same place — as we must. Can you separate yourself from your perceptions? What is it that you know about the universe that has not come through and by perception?

Just think about it — at any given time, you are at a center of Earth since it is a sphere. (unless there is a desire to get into a discussion about the earth’s magnetic fields and pole alignment). Indeed, you can begin measuring away from yourself in any direction and will reach the same infinitude in terms of space and time. Prove otherwise. Until the astrophysicists can measure from Earth to the ‘background noise’, the presumption seems to be in favor of treating the Universe as though it is infinite in any direction.

It shouldn’t be a surprise that we are so anthropocentric and limited by our human condition. My own anthropocentric perception is unique and cannot be the mere byproduct of a genetic destiny and yet be so vastly different from the perceptions of others. Again, animals seem to have a limited sense of self and the ability to change the self. Humans seem to be created by evolution, or otherwise, as something completely different as to function and purpose (or lack thereof).

We are each undeniably the center of the universe known for us. Separate yourself from your perception and you might have the opportunity to live the life of an animal. Our awareness of our own perception dictates our ability to strive for change in the self, environment, and a glimpse of something higher than ourselves. Our perception is the beginning of freewill. The question seems to be whether our ability to engage in freewill (moral behavior by ‘choice’) is the result of being created/evolved from something higher or different than the general animal kingdom. In any event, the anthropocentric position is equally applicable to evolutionists as well as the creationists. Self loathing by either side doesn’t seem to fix this fundamental problem.

Absolutism has absolutely no place in human existence where it has to be admitted that human perception, even in groups, is subject to revision.

Some time ago I came across a website (I no longer recall the details) which was running what I thought was a particularly silly survey: it was asking its readers to ‘vote’ in an online poll whether universities should be more like corporations. It was silly in the sense that at that level of generality the question was completely meaningless: more like corporations in what sense? Some modern companies have adopted what we might call traditional academic values and methodologies; and I guess that understanding the ability of well-run companies to manage and maximise resources is something that wouldn’t necessarily harm us.

However, the relationship between universities and business organisations is an important issue and deserves both analysis and comment. It is important in two different ways: (i) is there anything we can learn from the corporate world? – and (ii) what kind of relationship should we have, or allow ourselves to have, with corporate partners?

For this post I shall focus on the second of these questions. I may come back to the first on another occasion, and I might just point out in passing that modern organisation theory applies an analysis to companies that could be helpful to academic institutions, whether they might want to adopt business insights or indeed avoid them. But that’s for another time.

But what about relationships with industry? Just over ten years ago the University of California at Berkeley caused some academic observers to raise their eyebrows when it announced a special relationship with the Swiss pharmaceutical company Novartis. The agreement was confined to agricultural biotechnology, and under its terms the company provided the university with $25 million of research funding, and in return it acquired rights in a share of the resulting discoveries. A number of concerns were expressed at the time, with some arguing that the deal created conflicts of interest and the possibility that academic integrity might be compromised by the industrial partner’s commercial interests. The arrangement came to an end in 2003, and was subsequently assessed by a team of outside experts. The resulting report was fairly critical. It found no ethical misconduct, but it questioned whether the arrangement had had any real impact on research output, and wondered whether the intellectual property aspects had been efficiently and fairly handled.

Whether the Berkeley/Novartis agreement was good or not so good, it is now a matter of general consensus at least amongst state agencies and government departments across the industrialised world that academic-industry links are to be welcomed. The major funding programmes of Science Foundation Ireland, for example, are based on the requirement to assemble university-industry collaborations, and in this country most of the high value research centres across more or less all of the universities have such collaborations in place. The major motivation for such relationships is that they may accelerate the commercialisation of discovery, as industry partners apply their skills in financing, developing and marketing products that are derived from the research. The risk, as some might see it, could be that the commercial imperatives applied by the industry partners may skew the research, or that the prominence given to these projects might crowd out the also necessary basic or blue skies research that should have a home in the universities.

There is little evidence to date that industry links have undermined university research, though the risks are always likely to be there to some extent and this requires strong ethics monitoring and a clear university research strategy (that goes beyond industry partnerships) to be in place. An external analysis of SFI and its funded programmes published in 2008 suggested that the industry dimension was positive and should be developed further.

It is probably also arguable that industry links should be developed, where appropriate, on the teaching side. DCU has from its establishment operated a work placement programme as part of all the university’s programmes of study that has had the effect of creating close links with the employers that take on our students, without giving our industry partners any direct influence over programme content or assessment.

Academic and intellectual integrity must always be at the heart of everything a university does; but being ‘networked’ has many benefits, not least that it allows a university to understand better what society’s needs are and how we can contribute to their resolution. Industry links are an important part of that mission.

For a little history click, Freezing to Kushner>

I toast and applaud the Berkeley Rep, happy that the Thrust Theatre’s arctic conditions will soon be a thing of the past.

The Unreasonable Institute is looking for 25 high-impact entrepreneurs, between ages 20-30, who will develop social ventures that history may one day recall defined progress in the 21st century – ventures with the ability to measurably improve the lives of millions of people around the globe. The 25 selected entrepreneurs will gather in Boulder, Colorado in May 2010 for a 10-week Intensive Institute where they will receive rigorous entrepreneurial training, daily mentorship from seasoned changemakers, and connections to the seed capital they require to launch their ideas and scale their ventures. Furthermore they will have access to an exclusive pool of capital that will be dedicated to their ventures and to prototype development.  All interested applicants can apply immediately and will find all of the details for applying by clicking this link. Official applications opened on November 15th and will close on December 15th. We firmly believe that the Unreasonable Institute is onto something great and we are happy to be helping them in their efforts to identify, incubate, and invest in the world’s most brilliant social entrepreneurs.  Furthermore we are convinced that a few of you will fit that profile perfectly.

British Petroleum lady claims that if UCB becomes private, Cal Bears will be the champions. UC Berkeley signed a $500 contract with BP. “If BP hadn’t come along we would find an alternative strategy, whether it was with another Oil Company errr… Energy Company or what you have,” Chancellor Birgeneau.

John and Ken are really good at what they do. One is good at social science, the other one is a musician. Every now and then they meet up to play Halo on X-Box. You will never find them unhappy or glum, except for when they fight bad guys online.

Vegan Ice-Cream...Yum!

Everyone’s talking about veganism—from my college roommate to talk show host Ellen DeGeneres. Alicia Silverstone even wrote a new book about her experiences as a vegan.

That’s Why We Don’t Eat Animals couldn’t have come at a better time. Author and illustrator Ruby Roth explains vegan- and vegetarianism to kids using simple text and striking artwork. Praised by Booklist as “A unique effort that is to be applauded,” this book has been discussed all over the web. If you haven’t had a chance to read That’s Why We Don’t Eat Animals, or if you’ve read it and want more, bring your children by Café Gratitude in Berkeley on December 12 for a vegan ice-cream social, reading, and book signing! Admission is FREE!

December 12, 2009, 1-3pm
Café Gratitude
www.CafeGratitude.com
1730 Shattuck Ave @ Virginia
Berkeley, CA 94709
510-725-4418

To learn more about Ruby Roth, That’s Why We Don’t Eat Animals, and the upcoming vegan ice-cream social, please visit www.WeDontEatAnimals.com.

The Warriors approach.

Fully geared, armed and ready.

The unsuspecting oppponents await in the canopy shade.

A battle ensues.

The crowd goes wild, years of therapy to follow.

Fighting till the end to no avail. For liberty and justice for all.

Oh yeah, and Mango met his (actual) sister there, too.

I'm the fastest pooch alive.

Sneaky in the bushes.

  

I can do this all day. No seriously, I can.

(click on photos if you wish them to become Ron Jeremy size)

Last week, at BATS, a colleague from a research lab was asking me what exactly is going on with the budget of the University of California. The conversation went like this:

“How much does the state contribute to the UC Budget?”

“About a third”

“And how much has the state contribution decreased this year”

“About 20%”

“So that’s about 6% of the total budget. How come they need to cut salaries by 8% and increase tuition by 32% in order to recover from a 6% budget cut?”

How come, indeed? Over the weekend I have tried to make sense of this question, but unfortunately it is very difficult to make sense of the UC budget, not to mention that the numbers in the 2008-09 budget document from the office of the president are quite different from the number in the 2008-09 audit.

Here is, however, what I have understood so far:

• Overall, the University of California has an annual budget of slightly less than $20 billions. This is about the same as the revenues of Google or of Amazon, and about 2/3 of the revenues of Apple.
• About $5.5 billions relate to non-academic entities that the University administers breaking even or at a slight profit:
  • The hospitals associated with the medical schools have a budget of about $4.8 billions;
  • The University gets about $0.6 billions to run federal (weapon-related) research labs, including part of Los Alamos.
• About $4.5 billions come from outside research grants, from NSF, NIH, DoE, DoD, and similar three-letter-named federal agencies.

  Of this money, the university keeps about a third for “administering” the grant, while the rest are spent to run the labs, pay the grad students and so on.

• This leaves about $9.5 billions to pay salaries of administrators and faculty, maintain the buildings, operate the libraries and so on. Most of this money is spent on teaching, although some expenses benefit research too. (E.g. the libraries benefit both, maintaining the buildings benefits both, and so on.)
• Of these $9.5 billions, the university got about $3.5 billions from the state last year, which is down to about $2.9 this year, hence the sudden crisis. Adjusted for inflation, this is about half the money per student that the University was getting in 1990.
• Student fees (tuition) accounts for another roughly $2 billions and gifts are around $1 billion. I am a little lost as of where the other $3 billions are coming from. (More than $2 billions are listed as “other sources” in the budget reports I have seen.)

When fees (tuition) are increased, about a third of the increase is set aside for additional financial aid. This means that even a 32% increase of fees will “only” raise $600 million, of which only $400 million can be used to cover the budget gap, which is about $700 millions. Hence the other $300 million have to come from elsewhere. I couldn’t find out how much money the University spends on salaries from the $9.5 billions above. A random guess of $7 billion implies that this year’s salary reductions saved about $500 millions, and more money was saved through layoffs. The numbers now more or less add up. Only a quarter of the tuition increase has effect this year (because there was only half of the increase and only for one semester), so it was $100 millions from the increased tuition, $500 millions from salary cuts and $100 millions from layoffs. Next year the salary reductions will expire, so all the shortfall has to be made up for with tuition increase and further economies (hence more layoffs etc.).

Now, next time someone asks me what is going on at the U.C., they will regret they ever asked such questions.

And if any reader has a better understanding of the budget, and he or she can explain it without waving away $3 billions, then please leave a comment.

E’ passato il terzo mese a Berkeley. E’ passato da un po’. E io non scrivo. Non scrivo più. E il non scrivere mi fa star male. Ancor di più.

Forse ho perso il Dono, ma quando? Quando? Scavo ogni giorno dentro me cercando di capire il giorno esatto in cui ho smesso di scrivere. E il motivo. E non so darmi una risposta specifica. Perché anche ora, in realtà, non sto scrivendo. Sto lasciando scorrere pensieri sconnessi su un file di word. E aspetto l’ispirazione. Che forse non tornerà.

Dov’è finito il mio entusiasmo di bambino curioso del mondo? Dov’è quella smania di piccolo reporter che osservava la realtà, masticava le parole nella propria mente, e le ricombinava in mille modi, prima di correre a casa per trascriverle con gioia, per condividerle con spensieratezza con quelli che da casa lo leggevano e gli stavano…vicini. Dov’è quella spensieratezza? Dove si è andata a nascondere? Forse l’ho dimenticata da qualche parte, forse mi è stata rubata, forse si è offesa ed è scappata. Quello che so è che non è qui.

Passano i giorni nella baia di San Francisco, uno dei posti più belli che abbia mai visitato. Anzi, il più bello, quello dove forse vorrei passare il resto dei miei giorni. Eppure, non lo sento. Non lo sento dentro. Non lo sento mio. Da quando sono tornato una patina opaca è scesa sui miei occhi, una crepa si è aperta nel mio cuore, un vuoto mi sta lentamente risucchiando. E quell’entusiasmo di bambino dov’è finito? Neppure le cose più assurde che vedo ogni giorno mi smuovono più. Tiro un sorriso o una smorfia sulle mie labbra e penso: “due anni fa queste cose mi avrebbero scosso, mi avrebbero emozionato, sarei subito corso a casa a trascriverle, perché ora non mi succede più? Perché non provo più quello che provavo allora?” Tutto mi sembra normale. Forse è un bene. Forse no. Il tempo passa veloce a Berkeley, veloce che nemmeno te ne accorgi. Io cammino veloce. Così veloce che raramente ho il tempo di fermarmi ad assaporare un momento. Ma quando ho perso la gioia di vivere? Quando sono diventato così? Corro. Corro da solo. Come uniche amiche: due scarpe da ginnastica. Come asfalto: il mondo. A volte corro sul tapiroulant, e la corsa è solo un’impressione temporanea, perché non mi porta da nessuna parte. Altre volte invece corro per strada, per avere la sensazione di andare da qualche parte, fino a quando ho fiato per lo meno. Corro anche con le vesciche ai piedi, anche sotto la pioggia, anche al buio, corro cercando l’ombra che ho perduto. L’ombra di me stesso. Che ho lasciato da qualche parte ma non ricordo bene dove.

E’ strano come ogni volta io pensi che sia sufficiente volare via per cambiare chi si è davvero. Volare per ricominciare. Volare per scappare. Purtroppo quando parti porti con te il meglio…ma anche il peggio di te. Quello ti segue sempre. Io corro per capire chi sono davvero, perché ho smarrito la parte migliore di me, e per cercare di recuperare quel buono che mi caratterizzava. Ma corro anche per autodeterminarmi. Per raggiungere il mio scopo. Per realizzare il mio sogno. Credevo che gettando via un peso ne avrei guadagnato in velocità, ma se guardo nello specchietto retrovisore mi accorgo che forse…era il motore.

Mi manca il Marco-Peter Pan, mi manca il Marco che ero in Michigan, quello che si emozionava guardando le piccole cose; quello che non progettava la sua vita come se fosse un’agenda di una multinazionale; che camminava nella neve fino alle caviglie, ascoltando la sua musica preferita, fantasticando sul futuro; quello che credeva nelle persone e nelle seconde opportunità; quello che si esaltava per ogni piccola cosa; che guardava al mondo con più ingenuità ma anche con più tenerezza. Mi manca il Marco che scendeva le scale per andare a cena dal suo migliore amico, che si fermava con lui a parlare del mondo davanti ad un planisfero, che lo ascoltava ed era ascoltato, con cui si divertiva, da cui traeva esempio. Mi manca il Marco che attraversava la strada innevata, percorreva un paio di blocks a zig-zag e abbracciava la sua migliore amica, quella su cui poteva sempre contare, quella che gli aveva insegnato ad amare in maniera più profonda, quella che lo aveva rassicurato nelle notti buie, che lo aveva abbracciato per fargli forza, e con cui scherzava fino a piangere dalle risate. Mi manca quel Marco che ero e che ho perso laggiù. Quello che dava tanto valore ai sentimenti, quello che si emozionava anche solo alla vista di uno scoiattolo in mezzo al campus, quello che – soprattutto – sapeva cogliere il meglio dalle persone attorno a lui.

Vivere a Berkeley è davvero straordinario. Non vorrei essere mai e poi mai a casa. Mai vorrei tornare. L’Italia non mi manca affatto. Sono contento della mia scelta, di tutte le mie scelte. E lo rifarei, altre cento, mille volte. Quello sbagliato sono io…! Sono io che ho la costante sensazione di vivere la seconda stagione riuscita male di un primo, grande colossal. Sono io che non la smetto di paragonare il presente al passato e di vivere proiettato nel futuro. Il mio presente non esiste. E’ una dimensione temprale relativa: risucchiata dalle malinconie dei miei ricordi e trascinata dall’ambizione e dalla fretta di portare a compimento i miei piani futuri. In questo modo Berkeley proprio non me la sto godendo, anzi, forse mi sta solo infliggendo ulteriore angoscia. Il problema è che Berkeley non è il Michigan, ed io non sono lo stesso Marco.

Descriverei la mia permanenza qua come una lunga montagna russa (metafora della quale, a quanto pare, non posso proprio fare a meno). Una di quelle fatte in legno bianco interlacciato. Ripercorrendo questi mesi indietro mi rendo conto di aver vissuto dei momenti davvero bellissimi che mi hanno portato moltissima gioia e soddisfazione. Forse alcuni dei momenti più forti della mia vita. San Francisco per esempio: è una città che ogni volta mi sorprende e mi affascina, che ha saputo conquistarmi fin dal primo sguardo, una città che amo prendere a piccole dosi, quartiere per quartiere. Una città che non smette di mostrare le sue mille facce. Mille città in un unico universo facilmente accessibile. Con le sue ripide colline, le sue viste mozzafiato, le sue spiagge selvagge, i suoi quartieri tematici, il suo verde contaminato. E’ una città indescrivibile. Non la posso spiegare, perché nemmeno io ancora l’ho completamente capita, perché ogni volta mi pare diversa e assolutamente affascinate. La mia prima partita di baseball mi ha emozionato. La mia prima gita al Castro mi ha emozionato, con il suo spirito di libertà, la sua tolleranza, la totale mancanza di clichè e di stupide convenzioni sociali. A San Francisco mi sento libero. Quando corro con sole che mi abbaglia nella fresca brezza mattutina di novembre mi sento libero. Rivedere Maria dopo quasi due anni e conoscere il suo promesso sposo mi ha emozionato. Il LoveFestival, la Castro Street Fair, il concerto di Mika mi hanno emozionato. Vestirmi da Peter Pan per Halloween ed impersonificare il mio personaggio mi ha divertito. (Ri)vivere l’atmosfera di questa festività americana, vedere migliaia di persone vestite come pazzi, essere pienamente me stesso pur vestendo panni diversi, poter andare in giro per la strada come cavolo mi pare perche nessuno ti giudica…tutte queste cose ancora mi emozionano. Girare per le distese verdeggianti del Golden Gate Park, camminando per chilometri fino ad arrivare alla spiaggia all’ora del tramonto per vedere l’oceano Pacifico. Lì, immenso e maestoso, di fronte a me, piccolo insignificante uomo in cima ad una collina. Togliersi le scarpe e sprofondare nella sabbia gelida e grigia della spiaggia selvaggia dove i ragazzi fanno i falò per vedere il sole morire all’orizzonte ed improvvisamente sentire calare la temperatura sulla tua pelle…tutto ciò mi ha emozionato. Per non parlare poi del noleggiare una bicicletta e costeggiare l’oceano fino a raggiungere il magnifico Golden Gate Bridge per poi attraversarlo. Pedalare sospeso sull’oceano su uno dei ponti più famosi al mondo, col sole che scende verso l’acqua, le onde centinaia di metri sotto di te, e migliaia di cavi d’acciaio rosso sopra la testa. E in quel momento non puoi che dare il massimo sui pedali, aprire le braccia e volare…sentendoti il re del mondo. Un ponte che collega due mondi: quello dei sogni e quello delle cose possibili, le cose che accadono davvero quando metti passione nelle cose che fai, quando lavori sodo per ottenerle, quando ci metti coraggio e determinazione…io quel ponte l’ho attraversato davvero. E mi ha dato una sensazione di libertà che non avevo mai provato prima d’allora in vita mia. Indescrivibile. Una delle più belle giornate mai trascorse, davvero. Mi sono anche emozionato guidando sulla Highway 1 verso sud con Diletta, costeggiando la scogliera pacifica e fermandoci a visitare le più belle località e gli scorci più suggestivi. Mi emoziono anche camminando per il bellissimo campus di Berkeley, scoprendo nuove parti nascoste di questa cittadina assolutamente fuori di testa, ascoltando canzoni sempre nuove, seguendo corsi che mi spalancheranno le porte del futuro, ma anche semplicemente sdraiandomi sull’erba al centro del campus sotto il caldo sole di novembre osservando gli edifici intorno a me e sentendomi al centro del mondo. Mi emoziono anche quando parlo con mia madre su skype e avverto quel suo sguardo malinconico di mamma a cui mancano tanto i suoi figli e che forse nel suo cuore non vorrà mai ammettere che stiamo diventando grandi e stiamo lentamente prendendo la nostra via. O forse già lo ha capito. Quando ricevo i pacchi di zia Anuscka, con quintali di caffè Lavazza, una moka nuova (perché la mia l’ho bruciata), pacchetti monodose di Nutella e le mie caramelle preferite (meno male che qualcuno pensa alla mia dieta). Quando parlo per ore con Marco e ricordiamo i bei vecchi tempi, li rimpiangiamo un po’ e poi ci aggiorniamo sulle novità. Stessa pasta noi due! Ogni volta che alzo gli occhi e guardo le pareti della mia stanza che mi ricordano chi “tenere sempre nel cuore”, o quando inconsciamente mi tocco l’anulare e al posto di ciò che c’era prima ora c’è solo un callo da sollevamento pesi. Mi emoziono pensando che tra due giorni sarò a Los Angeles a visitare una cara amica che uno dei miei viaggi nell’anno in Michigan mi ha regalato e che con lei andrò a Las Vegas e nel deserto per 5 giorni di vacanza per il Thanksgiving break. Mi emoziono pensando che tra meno di un mese il mio folle viaggio di “ritorno alle origini” avrà luogo. Tre settimane verso est: Chicago, Michigan, Washington DC, e New York City. Praticamente i quattro luoghi al mondo che più contano per me e che mi hanno regalato le emozioni più belle con le persone più importanti. Laggiù trascorrerò il mio Natale, il mio capodanno e il mio compleanno. E finalmente, dopo tanto tempo, sarà la resa dei conti con i ricordi, l’occasione forse per mettermi il cuore in pace.

Provo tante emozioni…ne ho provate tante in questi mesi. E allora, perché non sono felice? Non studio forse in una delle migliori università del mondo? Non sono orgoglioso? Non vivo forse a due passi dalla mia città preferita – San Francisco – in una delle aree più affascinanti e più ricche d’opportunità della California. Che cazzo hai da lamentarti Dio Cristo??? Me lo chiedo tutti i santi giorni. Perché non sono felice? Perché non so cogliere il meglio che quest’esperienza può offrirmi. La risposta è semplice, secca, e tuonante…

…perché mi sento TOTALMENTE SOLO.

E qual è il senso di vivere un’esperienza del genere se non puoi condividere questi momenti con delle persone importanti, quelle che nella tua vita fanno la differenza. Qua siamo tutti naviganti di passaggio. Nessuno ha gettato le ancore nel mio porto. Sono un marinaio solitario. Mi manca da morire scrivere il mio blog ogni settimana, come facevo in Michigan, quando credevo che a qualcuno davvero gliene importasse qualcosa di quello che facevo. Quando credevo di essere circondato da fantastici amici e da persone meravigliose. Ma ora che senso ha scrivere se è solo per me stesso. Ha solo senso perché mi posso rileggere. Rileggo spesso quello che scrivevo durante l’esperienza più importante della mia vita…e mi fa paura, mi terrorizza, perché non mi riconosco più. Non so più come vivere quelle emozioni, non so più trascriverle, sento di non avere più nessuno a cui raccontarle, nessuno a cui possano interessare, nessuno che possa veramente capirle fino in fondo. Il primo forse a non capirle più sono proprio io. Poi, qua non ci sono Marchi, Giuseppi o Cat, non ci sono Katerine o Anne o Sare. Solo gente con cui condivido chiacchiere e ore di studio in biblioteca, nulla di più (a parte il roadtrip a Santa Cruz con Diletta che ha davvero per un attimo messo a tacere il mio malessere). Gente di passaggio. Ho la perenne sensazione di vivere in una parentesi in cui si susseguono tante persone che mi passano accanto velocemente, mi urtano, ma poi se ne vanno. Ho bisogno di qualcuno che lasci il segno. Ho bisogno di qualcuno a cui lasciare un segno…altrimenti tutto questo che senso ha?

Oggi camminavo verso casa dopo lezione. Solo, tanto per cambiare (ma ci sto facendo l’abitudine). Buio pesto alle 17.30. Ho deciso di fare una deviazione per visitare un nuovo quartiere di Berkeley. Ho iniziato a camminare su College Avenue, per 5, 10, 15 minuti, in mezzo a case residenziali organizzate ordinatamente intorno ai blocks. La strada non illuminata e il freddo serale della baia. A un certo punto si è aperto davanti a me, dal nulla un nuovo frizzante quartiere animato di luci natalizi e botteghe antiche. Così, all’improvviso mi ci sono ritrovato in mezzo e mi ha affascinato scoprire dopo tre mesi, una nuova area della città. Tre o quattro blocks di negozietti strampalati ma adorabili, ristorantini ricercati, botteghe di una volta e un’atmosfera prematuramente natalizia ma comunque gradevole. La tappa fissa è stata da A.G. Ferrari, questa catena di drogherie italiane fondate da un immigrato italiano in America nel 1919. C’ero già stato a San Francisco ma mai a Berkeley. E’ incredibile la quantità di formaggi, salse, antipasti, dolci, cioccolata, salumi, pane che hanno: tutto autenticamente importato da tutte le regioni d’Italia. Mi sono fatto fare una ciabatta con speck dell’Alto Adige, fontina, mozzarella e lattuga. Non potete capire la gioia di mangiare qualcosa di così semplice e genuino a migliaia di chilometri da casa. Mi sono seduto sui lori tavolini vista borgo a godermi il mio panino morso dopo morso (delizia per il palato), sorseggiando un’aranciata amara San Pellegrino e pregustando il mio dolcetto al gianduia. Ero felice, certo che mi sono sentito felice, però, guardando fuori dalla finestra ed ammirando la bellezza di quel posto, ho pensato a quanto sarebbe piaciuto a mia mamma, poi ho guardato il mio riflesso sul vetro e di nuovo, mi sono sentito solo. Simone sarebbe stato così felice di essere lì a mangiarsi quel panino. So raffigurarmi esattamente l’espressione del suo viso soddisfatto, l’emozione che sprizza dai suoi occhi, la tenera impacciatezza con cui quel panino l’avrebbe ordinato, e quello che una cosa così semplice come quella di prendere quel panino lì con me, dall’altra parte del mondo, per lui, per noi, avrebbe significato. Mi capita ancora di pensare “che bello questo posto, ci devo troppo portare Simone”, poi realizzo il lapsus e mi scende la tristezza. Da A.G. Ferrari, prima di andare via ho comprato dei tarallucci pugliesi al finocchio che mi ricordano mia mamma. Poi nel tornare a casa da quel bel quartiere che ho visitato nel silenzio della mia solitudine, mi sono ritrovato di fronte al Rose Inn, l’hotel dove avevo intenzione di far soggiornare i miei quando a dicembre mi sarebbero venuti a trovare. Ma non verranno più. Li rivedrò solo una volta tornato in Italia, e mi si spezza il cuore ogni volta che ci penso, perché almeno con loro avrei voluto condividere questi luoghi, quello per cui mi hanno sostenuto, quello per cui hanno anche loro in fondo lavorato. Volevo che mi vedessero qua mentre lavoro per realizzare i miei sogni, mentre lotto per diventare una persona migliore, mentre cerco di stare forte nonostante i momenti di tristezza che mi impediscono a volte di cogliere il meglio da tutto ciò. Avrei voluto rivedere quello sguardo orgoglioso che solo un’altra volta ho visto nei loro occhi. Avrei voluto sentirmi importante per loro, e portarli in giro a visitare le meraviglie di questa terra. Ma purtroppo, per motivi di causa maggiore, nessuno di loro potrà venire. E per me è come se una grossa parte di quest’esperienza intera fosse andata in fumo. Anzi, due. Però vado avanti, nonostante tutto, questa è una grande palestra di vita e, in fondo, non c’è un altro posto nel mondo in cui ora vorrei essere. Perché non mi manca casa. Stavolta è diverso. Non ho voglia di tornare. Perché ho fatto in modo di non lasciarmi niente indietro. In fondo, sono consapevole che il vero viaggio che devo fare è dentro di me. Non riuscirò mai a stare bene in nessun luogo del mondo se prima non sto bene con me stesso, se prima non metto a tacere e non placo questa inquietudine profonda. Non riuscirò mai a stare con una persona, a dargli il mio cuore, se prima non ho capito cosa succede nel mio. Non potrò mai costruire un nostro futuro se prima non capisco cosa ne sarà di me. Non sto cercando il mio posto nel mondo: posso stare bene o male in qualsiasi angolo del globo. Quello che sto cercando io è la mia ombra. Quello che sto cercando di fare è di rimettere in sesto questo Marco che nell’ultimo anno ha dato segni di cedimento. Ho bisogno di riorganizzare i pezzi del mio ingranaggio. E so che ce la farò: perché sono forte, perché credo in me, perché so che tutto andrà bene. Spero che questo semestre sia stato solo un rodaggio per mettermi alla prova, per dimostrare che anche da solo che la posso fare a rimanere in piedi e ad andare avanti. E spero anche che il prossimo semestre e il nuovo anno abbiano delle sorprese in serbo per me e che le cose vadano meglio. E se non sarà così, pazienza, mi tirerò su le maniche e imperterrito andrò avanti. Ora che sono così vicino alla meta non permetterò a nulla e nessuno di farmi lo sgambetto. L’obiettivo è nel mirino e alla fine sarò io a fare centro. Davvero l’ambizione litiga con l’amore? Me lo domando ogni giorno…

Un anello sul comodino. Per ricordare a me stesso che quello che sfili dal dito non necessariamente si allontana dal cuore…

I got the rest of my inking done yesterday for my half-sleeve tattoo.  Jason Phillips at FTW Tattoo yet again did a great job.  If you’re in the East Bay and looking for a great artist, can’t recommend him enough.  Proof of his great work I’ve posted below in photographic form.

The inside of my arm wasn’t as painful this time, maybe because I twisted the hell out of my ankle in Indiana my last night there and it’s been throbbing ever since.  X-Rays show it’s not broken thankfully.

I joked with Jason that if I wanted to get a full sleeve the rest would have to be an underwater theme since it’s under the boat.  Awesome idea, but I don’t know if the full sleeve is for me, at least at this point in life.  The other arm is open for anything and of course I’ve always toyed with the idea of getting more stuff on my back other than a robot and demon.

Honestly, I still love my first two tattoos, but almost regret them now because of the arm tattoo.  The two images on my back mean something to me but they’re kinda just floating there all alone.  This arm tattoo just makes me wish I had included them into a mosaic, something bigger than just themselves.  I kinda wish now the arm tattoo was my first one, but I’m hoping I can work the other two into some type of pattern.

Anyways, I can’t make the arm tattoo one big photo like they do in tattoo magazines, so here are just a bunch of shots of it.  Enjoy!

Here are some pictures from last Thursday’s Katovich Law Group + Hub Bay Area event, Cutting Edge Capital Raising for Small Business.  With close to 80 guests in attendance and a panel of 7 speakers, The Hub was filled with questions and discussion.  To keep involved in the dialogue started this Hub Bay Area event, check out the Ning link here.

On Thursday, the Regents of the University of California met at UCLA and voted to increase student fees (tuition) by about 32%. There will be a 15% increase this Spring, and another 15% increase in Fall 2010.

Friday, while the theoreticians where at the Bay Area Theory Symposium, was a day of protest on campus, which showed the best and the worst of Berkeley.

Protesters went around campus buildings pulling fire alarms (bad), resulting in my colleague David Tse teaching probability and combinatorics outside in the rain (very good — or as one of the youtube commenters put it, “epic WIN”):

A group of about 40 students tried to occupy some rooms of Wheeler hall, the English department building, and up to 2,000 students showed up outside the building on a cold (by California standards) and rainy day (very good).

A few days of occupation at Wheeler would have probably received ample news coverage and would have publicized the fundamental fact of the present situation: that the University of California, and U.C. Berkeley in particular, will lose its character of public university if the funding crisis persists, and that the budget cuts are not free money for the tax-payers; they will have real negative consequences of hundreds of thousands of middle-class families.

Yet, the administration (very bad) instead of supporting the students sent the campus police first, and then police in riot gear from the Berkeley police department and the Alameda county’s Sheriff’s force (and possibly Oakland police, whose presence is disputed) to arrest the would-be occupiers and beat up the crowd outside Wheeler.

It’s anybody’s guess what the Chancellor might have been thinking.

I often wonder why people are rushing to make it!  Whatever that ‘it’ may be.  There is usually a strong motivation, a need that makes people rush towards something.  I myself am in no hurry most of the time.  I guess I fool myself into thinking that I have all the time in the world.  I have learnt that desperation gets you nowhere.  There is no one standing in judgment, there is no ticking clock unless we put one just for kicks and there is no trophy at the finish line.  Dad once told me ‘Aparna, the problem with the rat race is that even if you win the race you are still a rat at the end of the day’.  Then there was that brilliant and depressing film by Sidney Pollack, They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? where the marathon is rigged even before you win it.  And then there is my own version of things.  I always feel most empty after a hard earned win.  It’s like I spend all this energy and time and resources to create something and the post-win is so anti climactic.

Today a friend of mine, an aspiring director had an accident.  On my way to the hospital, I was remembering that just two days ago she had told me the story of the film she was aspiring to shoot.  I was touched by why she wanted to make it and her vision and her various motivations.  We were sharing a hotel room at an outdoor shoot that she was working on.  She almost fell asleep exhausted towards the end of her storytelling session.  As I saw her being wheeled from surgery to the ICU today I could not help thinking that there is indeed a clock on all of us.

I have seen whole film crews burn their blood to create films that was crap.  I have seen teams of professionals work towards making this world a crazier and more complicated place.  I have seen passion being wasted on things that will amount to more bad than good.  So when I hear a good story, a story worth telling, I want that on screen.

Before shooting ‘Mitsein’, while at the Kabana Restuarant in Berkeley, I bumped into Zakir Hussain and we shared a great conversation.  I had been introduced to Zakir at one of those Bay Area Indian Association parties and he remembered that I was making a film with Smriti Mishra.  I guess he knows her dance teacher Birju Maharaj.  He wanted to know how my film was progressing and I told him that I was on course, but I feared often about what if I made a bad film.  What a waste of all the money and the efforts of my cast and crew.  Zakir gave me the best advice I could have gotten in that moment.  He told me ‘Aparna, I would rather you burned the entire resources of the universe because your creative expression is more important than all of that’.  It was such a relief knowing that a week before production.

Imagine spending my entire life burning my time on earth spinning stories on screen.  Imagine that I am spent completely and all I have to show for at the end of my life is some films.  Imagine that the net production of my life was some moments of creative expression.  Imagine that at the end of it all, I had created myself only to be zeroed out.  Imagine I live that life everyday.  All this activity and I have nothing.  Imagine I do it even if I know so.  Imagine I play into the illusion knowing that it is so.  Imagine I honor that self imposed time clock and rush like crazy.  Imagine that the story of my life is more interesting than any of my screenplays and films.  Imagine that all I am is creative expression.  Imagine I am a filmmaker who is bursting to tell a story.  Imagine the only reward I get is that I get to tell it and perhaps a chance to tell so again.  Imagine the pain of not living my life and not being able to realize my dream.

I have a film to make, I have a clock and I have the entire universe of resources to burn.

Aparna

Hey everyone! I hope you all had a lot of fun this weekend! For me, it was all a blur. I don’t really remember what happened during Gracepoint Berkeley’s Thanksgiving Celebration. What was your favorite moment? Please comment to help us remember what happened throughout the night. Many people said their favorite part was the ribbon dance or Element.

Well, we do know what was our most memorable moment. It was our performance!

If you’re going to be around for this week, check again soon for our announcements for this week! For those of you who will not be around, I hope you all have a good break, and I’ll see you when you get back! Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday: Since we will be smaller, we will have Bible Study this Tuesday with our Berkeley groups in Berkeley. Please contact Will.
When | Tuesday – 6:30-8pm – Prayer Meeting
8-9pm – Bible Study
Where | First Presbyterian Church, Berkeley

Wednesday: We will be having a crab fest! We will have a crab fest dinner at Matthew and Helen’s (from USF Koinonia) house! Please let a staff know if you are interested.

Thursday: If you do not have any Thanksgiving plans, Daemin and Ahmi are opening up their house for a thanksgiving dinner at their place! It will be a Thanksgiving potluck! Please let a staff know if you would like to come. However, if you have family plans, you should eat with your family. =)

Sunday: We will be having service in Berkeley with Gracepoint Berkeley
What | Sunday Worship Service
Where | Willard High School @ Berkeley
When | 1-2pm
Rides | Check again for more information

Yep, it’s that time of year again—and as usual I haven’t even started thinking about holiday shopping yet. Luckily, though, this Friday is Plaid Friday in the East Bay—which means it’s time for indie holiday shopping! “Plaid Friday” is a concept created by two independent East Bay businesses to help encourage Bay Area shoppers to go local on the Friday after Thanksgiving, traditionally the biggest shopping day of the year.What you need to do to participate:

1. Wear plaid on Friday, November 27, 2009 in support of local independent businesses.
2. Look for plaid placards in shop windows or visit the Plaid Friday website to find independent East Bay businesses near you that are offering special discounts or hours.
3. Buy stuff from local independent businesses on Plaid Friday and in the weeks to come!

There are dozens of independent businesses participating in the day of festivities, so here’s a quick sampling of just a few near my ‘hood. Check the website for their special Plaid Friday discounts and hours.

• 1-2-3-4 Go! Records (423 40th St. in Temescal)
• 17 jewels salon + spa (4801 Telegraph in Temescal)
• Bella Ceramica (3982 Piedmont)
• East Bay Depot for Creative Reuse (4695 Telegraph in Temescal)
• Farley’s East (33 Grand in Uptown)
• The Hat Library (1946 Broadway in Uptown)
• Issues (20 Glen near Piedmont)
• It’s Your Move Game & Hobbies (4920 Telegraph in Temescal)
• Johansson Projects (2300 Telegraph in Uptown)
• Kuhl Frames + Art (412 22nd St. in Uptown)
• Little Luxuries Bath and Body Boutique (391 17th St. in Uptown)
• Manifesto Bicycles (421 40th St. in Temescal)
• Mercury 20 Gallery (25 Grand in Uptown)
• The Moon (447 25th St. in Uptown)
• Oaklandish (Plaid Friday mobile opps at Piedmont and Pleasant Valley!)
• oo la la! gift & accessories lounge (386 17th Street in Uptown)
• Rowan Morrison (330 40th St. in Temescal)
• Rock Paper Scissors Collective (2278 Telegraph in Uptown)
• Ruby’s Garden Local-Grown Kidwear (5095 Telegraph in Temescal)
• Sagrada (4926 Telegraph in Temescal)
• SubRosa Coffee (419 40th St. in Temescal)
• WE artspace (768 40th St. in Longfellow)

And don’t miss the after-party:

Penelope Bar and La Borinquena Mex-icatessen
Corner of 11th & Clay, Oakland | Plaid Friday Hours: 6-11pm

Penelope Bar and Tina Tamale of La Borinquena are joining forces for a Plaid Friday afterparty. Once everyone is worn out from shopping at fine indie businesses, we are inviting everyone to quench their thirst and fill their bellies with us.

$3 Plaid Friday Shots | $6 Select Signature Drinks | 1 cent Indie Special shot if you wear plaid | $6 Tamale Plate with tortilla chips & salsa

Since the Ottoman royal harems were filled with women from both the Mediterranean and the Baltic – Italian families even casting their daughters on the Adriatic to be picked up by the sultan’s sailors — my Turkish husband jokes he finally brought me back to Istanbul where I belong.

I don’t know, in the span of history and forgotten connections of family, anything’s possible. My Lithuanian family name, echoing a town and river on today’s Belarus border, also sounds a lot like the imperial Turkish bloodline of Osman.

As a fourth generation immigrant, I’m so far removed from who and where I come from I’m visited by ghost urges from genes and culture long ago severed. Today I post at expat+HAREM, the global niche about how the mysteries of our extended lineage often crop up as synchronicity, wanderlust, and quirks of taste.

For instance, why does this Northern California girl raised on turkey burgers crave the beet soup borscht? When I feel kinship with my Ukrainian, Estonian, Jewish, Italian and Greek friends, what do their wide brows or brown eyes, their stoicism or talkative personality, remind me of? Do they mirror the mix that is me?

What ethnic or regional mystery reverberates in you?

This weekend has just been all kinds of wonderful.  On Thursday, I skipped rehearsal (heh) to go home early and watch the New Moon premier as part of G.’s birthday present!  Making t-shirts, flipping through magazines, catching up on life, squealing about Taylor Lautner’s abs, and just being really girly was a nice change of pace from school.  And then I slept over at her house and we talked until 5 or 6 am, which was really nice.  I love love love how I can go home and visit one of my best friends!

Friday, I sadly had to stay in and do my physics homework, but it was nice having the house to myself and being able to sing obnoxiously loudly, take a really long shower, and play piano kind of badly.  My dad took me out to dinner which was amazing.  Seriously, the food is one of the best parts about going home.  My mom was at a convention in Vegas, so I missed seeing her.  But at the same time, it was nice to just hang out with my dad and let him take care of me and watch tv.

SATURDAY.  BIG GAME DAY.  A. was nice enough to drive our lovely group of seven over to Stanford.  Yeahhhhh 15 minute road trip!  As usual, we got there super early, but that’s just because we’re awesome fans.  What can I say?  Best football game I have ever been too, and a great last game of the season to watch.  My voice actually got hoarse by the end, which rarely ever happens because I guess I just have strong vocal chords!  But to sum it up: Bears dominated, we stormed their field, our band rocks and is way more classy, picture with Bryan Anger, and basking in the glory of winning.  Oh, and In-N-Out and singing in the car on the way home.  Hehehe you guys are the best.

And here I am, back in my dorm room.  But this is nice.  Everything is how it always is, E. and C. working, me wasting time on the computer, and J. visiting C.   Haha ohhh how predictable we all are.

I love happy weekends.  And I will be back home in another few days to see you all for Thanksgiving!

No more sorrow/We might not be here tomorrow/So just live for the moment/And dance your life away.