Best friends are like diamonds, precious and rare
False friends are like leaves, found everywhere.                 

                                                    Anonymous

Recently I attended a meeting with a group of inspiring, intelligent and amusing women.   We had lots of fun, and I left thinking they were the type of people I would like to get to know better, and perhaps one day they would become real friends.    I went onto meet another friend at a cafe for lunch, only to look up to see the same bunch of women from the meeting having lunch together.

Childishly, I felt my stomach tighten and an overwhelming need overtook me to fold myself up and slide under the table to hide.    I was again the awkward twelve-year-old girl starting high school amongst strangers who stood giggling in huddled groups while I stood alone.    I was the new girl, sniggered at, and not included.

Once upon a time making new friends felt like gathering pretty shells along the sea-shore.   There were a multitude to choose from, in all shapes, sizes, colours and textures.   You could hear the ocean when you put one to your ear, others brightened your world with their rich earthy colours, and there were those rare few from the ocean’s depths shaped just right to give you a good belly-laugh every time.   Our friends widen our outlook and bring new worlds to our doorsteps.

These days I find my beaches much emptier and the search for true friendship much lonelier.   It is easy to be surrounded by smiling faces and companionship, but there are invisible walls between us, busy lives and careers to pursue, children to chase and scold, and a lot of fear and apprehension at letting our hearts be seen.

Thankfully, I have a handful of people I refer to as my ‘drop everything’ friends.   When a crisis hits we literally ‘drop everything’ for each other.  There is no guilt, fear or embarrassment in asking for help.    These friends are there for me, and I am there for them.

Yesterday I had a pedicure with such a friend and our time together having our feet massaged in perfumed oil, sinking into cushioned massage chairs, glasses of champagne in hand, was like gold.   These physical luxuries were nothing compared to our lively conversation.   There is never any doubt that my friend wants to hear about my life, and I love hearing about hers.   There is an equality to the exchange, giving and taking, laughing and crying, or sitting together, relaxing and feeling connected without the need for words.

It is painful to lose a true friend.   I had a friend once who was in the ‘drop everything’ category.  We spent lots of time together for a number of years – weekends in the country, evenings in Double Bay watching the rich people while eating mudcake and sipping coffee, and many nights sitting up until the small hours discussing our hopes and dreams.  She was like a sister to me.

However, when I got engaged and the wedding loomed closer, I felt a shift in her attitude toward me.    I tried to ignore my instinct.    A week before my wedding I checked my answering machine one evening and heard a very strange message.   My friend had accidentally recorded herself on my answering machine, speaking on her mobile phone about me to a friend.    Her words were venomous, cruel and dishonest.   I kept thinking she must be talking about somebody else, but then she mentioned my partner’s name and I knew that it was me.    I cried every night that week, leading up to the happiest day of my life.

She smiled at me sweetly and said kind words to me on my wedding day, and I smiled back through clenched teeth, holding in my hurt and anger.   After our honeymoon I wrote her a letter telling her what I had heard.  Even then, I would have accepted an apology or an explanation.   I hung onto hope.   Her reply finally came but was one line.   She was guilty as accused and she said goodbye.  That was it.

I am grateful for that bizarre twist of fate, or as I believe, divine intervention, which revealed her heart to me.   As sad as it was, it would have been much sadder to maintain such a dishonest friendship.

In the Gospels I read that Jesus had twelve best mates who he walked through life with.   He had gathered a rare assortment of shells from the beach, as each of his disciples had unique personalities and related to him in different ways.   Yet out of this group of true friends, Peter, who boldly professed his love for Jesus and said he would die for him, went on to deny even knowing him three times to a servant girl.    Then there was Judas who betrayed Jesus with a kiss leading to his death, for the price of some bags of silver.    Being hurt and disappointed by our friends certainly isn’t a new concept.

When I’m deeply hurt it takes a long time to recover, but I’m learning that the only way back to wholeness is to forgive, let it go and walk away.  I embrace the richness of my true friendships and cherish them as one of life’s greatest gifts.    I also continue to search the seashore for any shells hidden in the sand.   You can never tell how colourful and unique they are until you take the risk and reach out your hand.

I have so much to be thankful for.  I lost my son, and I’ll never face anything harder.  For a while, I wanted to die, too.  Even though I still miss Andy every hour of every day, I’ve found some beauty in my life again.  Just typing that makes me feel guilty.  All of us who have lost children, though, have to surround ourselves with the love and support of the people in our lives.  We have to push through somehow.

And for the people in my life, I am thankful.  For those who’ve sat and cried with me, I appreciate the depth of feeling and respect you show my son’s memory.  For those who’ve laughed with me, I appreciate your courage.  Not everyone is comfortable laughing with a bereaved parent.  It takes true courage to understand that we need laughter mixed with the tears.  And for those who’ve been absolutely silly with me, thanks for bringing sunshine to my life when days are dark.  For you who have done all of that, all I can say is I truly owe my life to you.

I’m thankful for eight years as well, even though there should have been so many more…

I have not watched Dancing with the Stars (DWTS) in a while but this time I started watching late in the season.  I love the Osbournes and routed for Kelly the whole way.  Until I watched Donnie Osmond’s first dance on Monday night.  Well I fell in love.  He won, Kelly came in third.  I am happy and well I will see how it goes with Season 10…  Watch or not to watch that is the question!?

Went to see New Moon this past week-end…  Not impressed.  I loved the book it was my fave of all four I read it in one day at the cottage.  The movie just didn’t do it justice!  Jake all the way for me peeps!  Not contest in my mind!  Love me some werewolves! 

Have been skimming through blog roll here some really good blogs and writing you should do the same when you have some time.

Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat, please put a penny in the old man’s hat if you haven’t got a penny a ha’penny will do if you haven’t got a ha’penny then god bless you!  Picture Miss Piggy and John Denver!  I love it.  Gotta break out the CD!!!!  I am so very excited, I am sure it is going to be a good year for us!  I have done most of the shopping only about two more to go! 

Work have been good nothing too much to report.  I for the first time actually enjoy coming to work. 

 Cell phone is busted.  Every timeJames calls it hangs up on him!  LOL!  I think it’s hilarious and it just really ticks him off!  Oh and I busted my Parking break in my car and with a manual trannie it ain’t a good thing!

 Love, happy to be in it! 

Was going to do a pic of the day but found this on YouTube instead!  And they say dogs are dumb!

Here’s a quick recipe too!  They have a new Budget wise section on Kraftfoods.com and a big Potluck section for Christmas and US thanksgiving coming!

http://www.kraftfoods.com/kf/recipes/chicken-parmesan-bundles-107338.aspx

So, I am going to the One of a Kind show with  my Mother-in-law and Grandmother this Sunday!  I have not been in years, should be fun! 

Along with the One of a Kind we used to go to the Sugar Plum Fair every year at Casa Loma, it was the National Ballet of Canada’s major fundraiser.  Kinda miss it.  We always got these chocolate and caramel covered apples from a place called Treemendous apples.  I don’t know if they still exist!

I am really very sad that  Eastwick has been cancelled it was really the only new show this season that I liked. 

Jon and Kate plus Eight signed off on Monday night!  I am really sad!  I am going to miss that show quite a bit.  STOOPIT  Jon.  Criminal Minds and Vampire Diaries have moved into my fave show category although I am really leaning towards Table for 12 as a replacement and in the end I still have 18 (soon to be 19) Kids and Counting! 

It’s kinda funny that this season I didn’t watch too much of the reality TV, I have not watched Survivor, missed a few of the Hell’s Kitchen, got board with ANTM to the point I PVR’d it and skipped to the end every week so I could just see who got kicked off!  I am getting back to the dramas except when it comes to TLC.  Oh who am  I fooling, still watching the Housewives and Tori and Dean.  Still watching Canada’s Worst Driver!  I love it!  My newly discovered Rescue Ink is GREAT too!

Had lunch with an old friend and her puppy last Friday!  It was nice!  This time of the year is always good to reconnect!  

I miss my best friend we don’t see nearly enough of each other.  Lives are too busy!

A shout of Sympathy to my long time friend MAB.  You have an angel watching down over you know.  Just know that Snoopy is with Tiny and Mowhawk now!  You will always have him in your memory! 

The loss of a loved and cherished pet is devastating especially when they are nearing their 20s.  Here is a website that helps with this…  http://www.pet-loss.net/index.shtml However you need to remember that you have to go through the stages or grief the same as you would with a Human being!  Don’t let anyone tell you any differently!  http://www.petloss.com/rainbowbridge.htm

Well that is me done!  Going to sign off now!  Have a good one!  I won’t leave it so long in between next time! 

My best friend, otherwise known as My Mango has agreed to doing a guest post for me.  She is probably the funniest person I know!  Such a pity she’s probably also the laziest blogger I know as well. 

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During a typical telephone conversation with BFF, I was of course having a good moan and groan about my work place, which just happens to be a government Department, BFF pipes up and say something so ridiculous that it automatically sent me on one of my even more ridiculous tangents. 

NOTE: before I embark on detailing this conversation, I feel that I need to warn you about the content, it is not suitable for those that have a particular liking for the government or our very renowned, law-abiding, not so well-respected in Xhosa clans , Zulu leader or such parties lead by the leader or any members of the leaders leading parties young folk of which I will not mentioned names, but Julius for you Zuma to know, for those who take great pride in our GOVERNMENTAL education system and simple for those who suffer with a weak bladder but not including those you just don’t give a damn.

 Firstly let me give you some information on Alet, if you are an avid blog reader and twit (*snigger* Get it? Twit?) Follower, then you will have a fairly good idea of whom and WHAT Alet is. 

My conclusion has also been psycho, but she has come up with her own conclusions, Alet is the type of girl who had aspirations of becoming a show girl…no not pole dancer show girl, but the dramatic, airy flarey type that prides them self by reciting “How Now Brown Cow” is an accent that sounds as if something is lodged in your lowest cavity on the rear side. She LOVES Cats, the musical, The sound of Crap…I mean music , the King and I ETC ETC ETC… HAhaha ( Get it?) Just a note, she now refuses to watch the King and I , simple because the little boy in it is an actor in Harry Potter, which apparently irritates her. Need I say more? 

Anyway the conversation went something like this: 

A: I think we should get people to vote for me as President.

T: Sure…. The school curriculum will consist of, Grade 1 CATS, Grade 2 CATS, Grade 3 Sound of music.

A: “Laughs so that she chokes”

T: All Matric students will have to DO the FULL Cats play for their Finals.

A: “Stops laughing to cough her left lung out”

T: Ballet will be compulsory for all girls even in matric..it will be something like you failed ballet you can’t be a scientist and the girl will be crying saying that she is good with maths.

A; * still laughing” I get worried because the loo is FAAAR AWAY

A: That’s unfair…I will make the boys do ballet compulsory too.

T: Yeah and they will be like this: the tight don’t fit my Balls are to big…and you will go Balls? You don’t have balls…you do ballet!

A: Why don’t you do something useful and turn this into a blog for ME!!!!

T: Well there goes our democracy… what next? is our anthem going to be MEMORY?

T And then are you going to change the dictionary as well…Describe Beautiful… Yes Madam President it means everything!!!!

A: * still laughs , I think she has stop breathing*

A: Put it down, make it a blog post…I neeed it

T: so , what are your plans for Logan’s party? 

Talk about an anti climax…. Needless to say I think the white mayor of the Western Cape stands a better chance , albeit not a much bigger chance,at being President than Alet does.

Photo Credit

It’s that time of year again–you know, that time when everyone starts thinking about all the things in their lives for which they’re thankful and begin deluging us with schmaltzy ruminations. Although I’m not a touchy-feely kind of girl, I’m not immune to the season.  Since I know you’re waiting with bated breath, here are the things in my life for which I am grateful, sans schmaltz.

• My cats. Because I have so many of them, I will not go hungry in a (brief) famine.

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• My job. I have one; that in itself is enough for which to be grateful. But the deliciously wacky people with which and for whom I work give me unlimited fodder for my writing, and that is priceless (names have been changed to protect the…innocent just doesn’t seem to fit here…)

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• My husband. Because I am married, it means that when I wake up in the middle of the night and start thinking about a movie I watched that wasn’t really scary when I watched it but which is now completely freaking me out, I have someone to wake up and share my misery. Of course, it also means I have to share the top-shelf scotch, but I suppose there must be some give-and-take.

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• My best friend. When I do idiot crap like lean on the dining room table to open the window and it collapses, shattering the rails underneath where the extra leaf goes, she makes fun of me in Southern (“You broked the table openin’ the winder?”).  She is delightfully quick on her mental feet, which means I must be on my toes and keep my wit sharpened at all times, but since I’m able to extend to you the fruits of such labor (i.e. my delightfully sarcastic sense of humor for which you are all grateful), it’s a price worth paying.

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• My children. While many times throughout their lives I’ve fully understood why some species eat their young, my children have provided me with many hours of hilarity, usually at their own expense. Such as the time my son shaved off his eyebrows because “it seemed like a good idea at the time,” and when my daughter looked her brother in the eye as he jumped in front of her, claiming to be a superhero, and she said “All I see is a dipshit with a blanket tied around his neck.” And the foster kid…oy; with that one we almost don’t need TV. And my Other Kids…you know who you are, and you know what you’ve done. And you know I won’t forget any of it.

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• My friends. From the one who lets me fall down in parking lots in front of all the hunky Heavy Equipment students and never lets me forget it to another who tries to mow down the campus ducks with her SUV and lets me call her Wide-Mouth Frog (well…”lets” is a strong word…”hasn’t beaten the crap outta me for it” is more like it) to another who is cooking my crazy meatball relatives…wait, I think I still have something wrong with that whole thing…to yet another who inspires desk envy and lets me dream I’ve lost my high heels (which I don’t wear) in his house (which I’ve never seen and which may or may not occupy land in two nonadjacent states) to all the others who let me be my crazy self and just shake their heads and make the sign to ward off evil spirits…er…ANYWAY…

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I have moments of levity (let me labor under the delusion that this is one of them) in the oddest moments, frequently at inappropriate times. My sense of humor is an wild entity that often seems completely separate from the rest of me, which explains so much. I have come to terms with a lot of my shortcomings—I will never be a diva or an artist of world renown; I have a very German nose and a dimple in my chin; and grace is definitely not a part of my genetic material—but I have grown comfortable in this neon-white signal-planes-from-the-ground skin in which I was born.

So my final expression of gratitude is toward my God (if He’s not your God or you have no God, you can ignore this part, but if you flame-broil me for expressing my faith then you will be subjected to that rapier wit I mentioned earlier and I will give no quarter) for making me the off-beat, slightly crazy girl I am, and for surrounding me with people who are either willing to overlook those qualities or who actually LIKE those qualities and love me anyway. Those people are loved from the bottom of my (some say cold-as-the-Arctic) heart.

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I have had some new experiences lately. I have been doing so many things with my friends and other people that I’ve managed to collect livings. The last week, I was planning to go with a friend to a pool and I had to think if that would be good, bad, wrong or right, and it turned to be interesting. The fact is that my best friend was going to be resented with me if I did not go, so I decided to go, reluctantly but I went. Interesting enough, when I arrived to his home, he tried to teach me how to play Gears of War, but I am so stupid for those things that I was an easy target for every monster in the game, well in the portion of the game. Later, I discovered that we were not going to get to Marcelo’s home on a private car; instead we had to take a bus, kind of “not-a-good-idea” for me. So this was the first time I took a bus, I didn’t feel wrong or something like that, the idea that he was next to me, really gave me some confidence, so I felt quite normal, quite calm. Suddenly two people appeared, although he seemed to worry and I thought they were weird, we got off the bus near, and so everything was OK. When I arrived to Marcelo’s home, I was given a GOOD recommendation, DON’T SPEAK! Why? Because I speak gay-ly. Well, it was fine for me; I was going to do, what Tito did, so wherever he went, I would go with him. Once the car was in movement, I told him: “It’s hard to hide yourself”, well it is difficult to appear to be someone you are not, WITH EVERYBODY, I also thought he had to teach me how to speak “manly”, that would be way better than learning how to play Gears of War.

The car rode was finished, we arrived to that place full of policemen, there was a pool, a few guys, a few girls, a lot of water. Umm, so I had to change myself, and well I did, I didn’t want to go to the pool at first, but I didn’t have “will” that day, Marcelo just got me and threw me there, so I, practically, had no opinion, no power of saying yes or no. First we went to a sauna, the first room was ok, at first it hurt but later you get used, so did I, however when we went to the steam room, I hated that, it was hell, so I knew that if I disliked that in-quotations “hell”, I would dislike even more the real one. Later came the sick part, my two friends were looking at women, I didn’t like that part much, you see, I felt really odd. It is like, I am a boy, but I have nothing to share with you, I don’t understand you. I was very gay that day, but it was not real.

That day, I told my best friend, when he was hugging me, that he was exciting me, well he was not doing that. He is my best friend, but I have still to tell him, that never in life I could do something against his integrity, but I have to keep in mind that he is a man too, but not any man, he is a like a brother to me, very close. Everyone tries to protect his family, so do I with him, even if I knew I can’t, I would still try, because he is worthy enough for me. The day was over, after going to eat some odd things, and well Marcelo’s dad left in the corner of San Marino, then I had to wait 15 minutes for my dad. That night I was expecting a movie, but tickets were all sold, so there was no movie for me, instead we went to eat pizza. I returned home, all tired, and went to sleep.

Today, I had to face another car thing. I was on a car, the driver, who turned to be a friend’s best friend, was driving, he was 19. I wanted to laugh when I saw that the maximum speed allowed was 40 Km/h and he was at 120 Km/h, 3 times the allowed speed. Getting near “El Condado” of Vicolinci, there is a kind of bridge and after that a very narrow turn, we were still at 120 Km/h, and he took that turn. The wheels started to sound crazy, they started to screech, and seconds later, as he was going out of the road, he decided to turn and/or stop the car, wildly the car started to shake, as if it was belly dancing, I foresaw a big wild spin on the car, so I decided to move from my seat and lay near the ground. Seconds later, the car hit with a pathway, the tires of my side, exploded and the girl in front of me, hit he head. I was fine after all. I had to call dad, I was safe and healthy but, I was on the “Perimetral” and well, I had to go to school. The girl said it was OK, she was not bleeding but her head and ears hurt. We called dad, he never knew what was going on as the car was in a perfect state, everything was ok besides the engine and the wheels, so, he never suspected of a crash. I didn’t told him either. I just said, the tires exploded and that’s all. I arrived to school and everything was fine. And now, I am tired, I want to sleep.

Regards,
Reivax Onirem

My best friend just sent me some photographs that I dont remeber taking haha! this was about 5 years ago now… but I dont think that I have changed that much. I’m on the left!

ME: haha..yeah

it’s not SungMin’s birthday today, is it?

RAE: jan 1 doode

ME: word!

RAE: if i still like him on jan 1, 2010, i, raemarie lee zejin, shall bake a cake and write his name on it

We’ll see, dude, we will see.

Visited a nearby town this weekend with Best Friend.  It was full of mildly awkward  moments.

First of all, I ran into the person mentioned in this post.

Then, Best Friend and I went into a sandwich shop to use the restroom. It was awkward enough telling the sandwich-maker person that I was only there to use the restroom, but while waiting for Best Friend to get out of the restroom, I knocked over the wet floor sign.

The sandwich-maker laughed and watched me while I tried to set it back up, then asked me to move it to another part of the floor, presumably because it would be more difficult for me to run into it over there.

After setting the sign back up, I rushed into the bathroom and dashed out of the shop as fast as I could without making a bigger fool of myself.

Later on, Best Friend and I were looking for somewhere to eat. We browsed the available restaurants for a while, and then saw a bar-type place that had a sign clearly stating “Lunch Served All Day.”

We got carded as we went in. Best Friend isn’t of drinking age yet, so the bouncer looked at his I.D., looked puzzled, and then said, “Well, just don’t drink.” It also happened to be 2 o’clock in the afternoon, not exactly prime getting-wasted hours.

We went in, and nobody looked at us. We decided to go up to the deck because the weather was nice. On the second floor, there were several servers around, but we still didn’t get any service. We sat down, waited for several minutes, and still nobody approached us. After feeling increasingly awkward about the situation, Best Friend and I decided to leave. We slunk out, being very careful to avoid eye contact with the bouncer we’d interacted with not ten minutes ago, and walked down the street to find somewhere else to eat.

We never found a place to eat; instead we met up with Best Friend’s parents and went shopping.

We were very hungry by the time we got home.

My son has a penis..I am sure you must be shocked that a small boy has a penis…unless of course you are a mom yourself and you have witnessed (with a great deal of laughter) your son tugging and pulling on his very best friend!
My son is going to be a champion athlete one day…in the dick pull! He yanks on that thing like it’s made out of polymer elastic. Then, when it stands at full attention, he is thrilled to see it actually responding!
Truly, his penis is his best friend. Listen in as I have a converstation with my son regarding his very best friend:

Son: Look at this momma! (pulls hard and manages to extend his penis about 4 feet away from his body)
Me: Nice honey, you probably shouldn’t pull it so far away from you. It might hurt.
Son: Watch this! (proceeds to pull it up, down, around, side to side…you get the picture)
Me: That’s nice honey…maybe you should do that in your bedroom privately.
Son: Why?
Me: Well, because it is perfectly fine to play with your penis, but it’s a good idea to do it in your bedroom, when you are in private.
Son: Why?
Me: Because that’s what daddy does (insert my small, manical grin here!)
Son: Oh, okay. Momma?
Me: Yes son.
Son: This is my best fwend!
Me: That’s nice. You are your father’s son!

So, that is how I found out who my son’s best friend is. It’s his penis. Shocking? Not really. After all, he is his father’s son, and when it comes to his penis, nothing will surprise me.

My best friend and I went out for a little celebration yesterday.  It was his birthday, which is definitely worth celebrating.  He is, as I’ve said many times and will likely say many more times, one of the few truly good people in the world.

He helped me through a *very* difficult time last week and told me we’d get through it together.  He didn’t say *I* would get through it.  He said *we* would.  That let me know he really means it when he says he won’t walk out of my life.  Yesterday, I felt myself relaxing into that knowledge, but one of mine popped up immediately  with a warning that that would only make us more vulnerable.

I feel like my best friend has a great amount of power over me.  We discussed this, he and I.  He, more than anyone, could break me apart.  He’s seen every flaw and every weakness.  He’s seen me shaking with anger, drawing back in fear, and sobbing with pain.  In other words, he has seen through to the core of me, and I mean that in a DID sense.  He was let in to the inner circle.  Kathy, one of the two most important members of my inside group, explained that to both of us last year.  My best friend has seen the absolute darkest of me.  It’s a great honour to be in his presence, and my absolute pleasure to be his best friend.

Trust issues are difficult, though.  I wish I could say I trust him completely, with absolutely no hesitance, but I can’t say that.  He could break me.  He chooses not to, but the thought that he *could* break me keeps some of mine from relaxing completely.

The point of this post, then, is to provide a ‘public’ thanks to one of the most amazing people and the greatest best friend I’ve ever known.  It’s also to help others out there who have these same kinds of trust issues.  I love my best friend with all of my heart, and I feel horrible about the hesitance some of mine feel.  We’ve heard that sort of ‘I’ll never leave’ talk before, though, and have been hurt many times by people we trusted.  Being on guard is a way of life for trauma survivors, *especially* for SRA survivors.  The ground was pulled out from under us far too many times.

And that’s the other reason I’m writing this post– I want to tell others who are friends and loved ones of SRA survivors that the random switches and fear that sometimes pops up in us does not mean we don’t love or trust you.  It just means that some of ours see you as a threat, simply because of the past.  It’s not fair, but it’s reality.  The closer we get, sometimes, the further some of our insiders try to drive us apart.  It’s so hard to believe that someone would like us, much less love us and want to stay in our lives.

So thank you, for putting up with all of the stress that comes along with being in the lives of SRA survivors.  Thanks for talking us through the tough times, reminding us that the cult was wrong, and showing us what love and family really means.  Thanks for your protection, even when you don’t know you’re giving it. 

And most of all, thanks for being the people who have made us think the unthinkable– that we are good people, not evil throughout, and that there are people who love us in spite of all the layers and puzzles we bring along.  Those of us who are SRA survivors *have* to deal with the effects of our pasts.  Those who love us take it on, even though they’d likely never had heard of that kind of horror if we hadn’t come into their lives.  I can’t speak for all SRA survivors, but I can say that I’ll always be amazed, grateful, and honoured to have people like my best friend standing beside me.

A lot of people want to say that being married is the reason for the demise of a friendship. But I’m of the opinion that friends “break up” because they are intended to break – not because of any other reason. Perhaps a marriage or a new baby or a new house or a new job speed up the break, but the break was on its way to occurring anyway.

You ever hear the adage about people being in your life for “a reason, a season or a lifetime?” It’s true.

I’ve found that, in the last five years, the relationships with my friends have changed, or evolved. I’ve grown closer to my friends who are in healthy, loving relationships with the opposite sex. I’ve grown closer to my siblings. I’ve also grown into a different relationship with my parents, a more adult relationship. As for my single friends (or friends who aren’t dating) I’ve found that I have more meaningful relationships with them now that I can better appreciate the time that I am able to carve out to spend with them.

My priorities have changed, and that means friendships change too. It used to be all about getting a raise and a better job, kicking it at the club, seeing how many numbers I could get from the guys at the bar and talking about what I want in a man… Now it’s more about enjoying life, having a long conversation over a cup of coffee and taking the time to wake up at 6 a.m. and watch the sun rise while walking on the lakefront. I doubt that marriage has much to do with any of this. Instead, I think this is a function of age and maturity.

This is not to say that my single self was bad. Not at all. I enjoyed being single. However, I also enjoy being not single. And mostly, I enjoy my new, more mature self. It’s easy to understand why friendships and relationships would then shift or strain when faced with that maturity. I also now have a better understanding of why my friends with children drifted away a bit and then came back later. I got it then, but I get it even better now. Priorities suddenly, and lovingly, changed.

The pastor said, during marriage counseling, that cleaving to your husband marks a separation from others. Some might not understand the intensity of that cleaving. And that’s ok, he said. The pastor’s wife (who was also involved in the counseling) said that for women in particular, it’s important to set boundaries when it comes to female relationships. Yes, you need them, she said. But some women are upset about your newly married status and they sometimes show their frustration even when they love you.

This marriage and friendship thing is a touchy subject.

But here’s my litmus test – and advice for those going through friendship issues at the beginning of a new marriage: If the friend is newlywed and you love her/him, you cut her/him some slack for at least a year as she/he gets used to the new marital status and the new, and permanent, roommate. For once, the friendship might not be 50-50. It might dip to 90-10 or 60-40 as the new relationships flatten out. (And trust, it will bounce back, just give it some time.)

Just like your mother and father get out the way and let you cleave to your husband, your friends must do the same. And you must do the same when that friend decides to cleave to another.

As my mother has said, friends are still there for one another, but not in the same way. The husband (or wife) becomes the most important friend. No one – save God – trumps the husband. It’s a difficult thing to understand unless you go through it. Insta-loyalty, if you will. But in the end, even if situations – i.e. marriage or maturity – dictate a slight change in the relationship, a true friend will understand and will simply holla back later.

little did rachel and mike know when they met in high school, that one day they’d be exchanging vows in front of their closest family and friends. they are perfectly matched . . . mike has a genuine soul and rachel has the biggest heart {and a gorgeous smile, look at those red lips . . . it takes a fabulous bride to be able to wear red lipstick}. they had an amazing wedding, 50’s inspired at two outstanding venues, the loring pasta bar and the varsity theater. i loved the uniqueness they infused throughout their day, not conventional, nor traditional . . . it was pure rachel and mike. thank you for standing outside the box and proving weddings are beautiful no matter how they are done. if there is love and the day reflects you, it makes for a fairy tale. thank you for allowing me to be a part of your day!
(and a special thank you to my husband, who selflessly allowed me to share his birthday with rachel + mike}

My two closest friends are both gone- one is fighting a war in Iraq and one is teaching English in Seoul, South Korea. I am without anyone here whom I closely trust enough to share my deepest thoughts and my heart with. So I feel that God may be bringing me to a test upon this lesson. I don’t trust easily and I don’t waste time letting in those that I know are not on the same spiritual plane. I don’t mean religion when I say spiritual, I mean actually that, spiritual, spirits.

So, this is a BIG reason for my desire to uproot. I am confident in where I am as a person and I know whatever I attempt in this life, I will succeed.

Earlier this week, I was told “quite honestly, you have no direction,” to which I responded with a stern “standing up” for myself. In one light, no, I do not have proper direction, in another, how off is that, I have a wicked direction that has never left me alone, that has never abonded me.

I know not why I seek moving, uprooting, but I do. I know not yet why I am being called to this particular location, but I know the one leading me, will not lead me wrong. I know if I help myself, I will be helped by He, who is greater.

With two besties gone, I feel that following their lead, is what I need as well. So fighting in Iraq is an inspiration and teaching English in Seoul is an inspiration as well. I will conquer my world as well. I am thankful for the one(s) leading me in my UPROOT.

Maybe after three years of wanting, wishing, fantasizing, pondering, pining, crying, screaming, lying, and keeping QUIET. I am finally just done with it all. TIRED of it. ABOUT TIME. I hope this feeling stays. Maybe after spilling my most secret letters and thoughts here, seeing it all in ACTUAL WORDS, I realize how weird I sound. Maybe I was just fantasizing this great love story in my head about how two best friends from completely opposite worlds, Romeo and Juliet style, fall in love. Or at least Juliet falls in love to be crushed by her one, perfect love. Weird. I feel weird. Could it be realization? Could it be reality finally hitting? Could this be?

Am I moving on? I feel a change coming. But I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch. Maybe I just feel happy in this moment. I think good things are to come.

It’s weird, I called you back but I didn’t feel that utter disappointment that you didn’t pick up. Weird. In fact, I didn’t really care. Maybe it’s that I’m getting used to it. But still I think this is a great step, finally it’s happening.

Thank God!!!!!!!

Let’s give it till next week.

A place was set for each of us,
quernTo rome this varied world,
And if we try to imitate one another,
Then the concept of individuality becomes blurred.
One heart beats as a single drum,
A pair of lungs breathe in and out,
Our eyes and ears perceive all that surrounds us,
A mouth was given to speak and shout,
Our own opinions from the depths of our souls,
To express each and every thought,
To show the world what we’re all about,
And to recount all that has been taught.

Friendships are formed on what we first see,
For what we like about an individual,
A personality forms a bind with another,
But when fused can cause certain misery.

we build ourselves upon what we are,
Adopt traits and tastes and views,
But some of us are incapable of that choice,
And start to copy, lend or use
Another’s identity that’s perceived to be cool,
Someone admired and looked upon to be
A strong individual and person with conviction,
And that someone turns into you from me?

You can’t take my identity and use it for your own,
It’s me all the way through,
I started the project off of my own back,
,
That’s why its called me and not called you.

Take a drawing from a child in school,
Take the credit for your own,
For when you try to impress me by being me,
Your imitation seems very drone.
You’re a fake me from top to bottom,
Threadbare as an old carpet tread,
You’re bad quality of the real thing,
You’re the old, fake bike thrown in the shed,
Abandoned for quality and something real,
A substance for what its worth,
Just remember being me as me is hard,
But being me as you is much worse.

People see through the mockery that you conjured,
They know the real deal,
It’s like having quern instead of good meat,
And you know how that makes people feel!
It angers them beyond belief,
It upsets them to their core,
And if you think friends are angry,
Then you have no idea what’s in store.

You’re trying to hallucinate my being,
You’re trying to replicate me,
You’re hurting me beyond all that is known,
And to me that’s a sheer clemency,
For until you can be strong and stand alone,
Be who you were placed to be,
Then there’s no more friendship between you and I,
And I go from being you to me!

I have noticed that lately I have been losing control of my own doings. Lately I have been living as if I knew no God; recently I have been living as if being alone, forgetting all my promises to you. I am sorry that I am so weak to carry them out. I am sorry to be so weak. You just don’t deserve a friend like me. Think it again, I am gay, why would you let someone like me into your friend’s circle?

I am sorry to put you through this. You are the only man on earth I can rely on, many may know about me, but, just in case you haven’t noticed, you are the only one who has won my entire trust. I am sorry. Lately I have been losing conscience and faith; I have been living just for me, in my own will, for pleasure. How stupid I am!

Still, even though I know I am wrong, I still can’t seem to do anything about it. So, can I ask you a favor? Would you make me think, would you remind me all those things that once I promised? Could you remind me what I need in order to restore my mental order? Please, make me think, go straight to my heart and make it shiver, make it tremble with righteousness.

Struck me with hope, with faith, please, pray for me, I just can’t seem to do it lately. I don’t want to die being gay, I don’t want this world to end before I can finally change, this is taking too long, and I can’t seem to figure out why. I am desperate to know what I should do. Please teach me, please make me think!

Tito, if you love me the way I love you, please, do something about me. I beg you.

In sorrow,
Reivax Onirem

My Best Friend

My best friend is a beautiful and friendly girl.

Her name is Nisa. She was born on 21st March 1991 in Demak. She lives in Karanganyar. She is 16
cm tall. Her weight is 45 kg. She has an oval face. Her hair is long and black. Her skin is fair-complexioned.

She is very kind to everyone. She always greets, smiles and speaks politely. Her hobby is reading.

Everyone is interested in her not only because of her beautifulness but also her behaviour.