I have yet to understand why the symptoms of PMS and early pregnancy are so strikingly similar.   It’s so frustrating!   Why can’t there be one set of symptoms for each so it’s easier to figure out when there is a bun in the oven?   It seems like the never ending joke–I take a test in the morning and get the BFN and then the same evening my breasts are sore and tingly, I’m flat out exhausted, and a little bit crampy.    So then I go back to the proverbial question…should I take a test tomorrow or should I continue with my original game plan to wait until Tuesday?   Inevitably, the willpower is not strong enough but I’m going to try really hard not to waste a test tomorrow morning.

I knew it wasn’t a great idea to take a pregnancy test today.   All day yesterday I surfed the internet and saw all of these beautiful BFP’s at 10 DPO–so I figured why not me too?   I could be one of those lucky ladies too, right???    Wrong…all I got was another BFN and disappointment at 6:00 in the morning.  I now wish I had just stuck with my original idea to not even test until Tuesday–12 DPO and hubby’s birthday.   Even then it will still be really early.   I probably won’t know for sure that I am again not pregnant until I go back to the Dr. on January 5th, which will be CD 35 and definitely game over.

well, I was hoping that I was going to get the write the “it worked” post, however, it appears not this time.  Jo started spotting today – 3 days late.  We did take a test on 14dpo which was negative but we decided that if she hadn’t started by tomorrow – we would buy another test.  At least we saved some money on that.  I am really kinda bummed and I know she is too…we both really thought this was the one.  OH WELL…moving on- hopefully in a “positive” direction.  Fucking santa…what a disappointment.

Today has been a wonderful day.   DS got way too much loot from Santa, his parents, grandparents, and uncle.   We had a great breakfast, played all morning, spent part of the afternoon playing in the swimming pool in my in-laws’ hotel, and now I am cooking a feast for dinner.   I have so much to be grateful for and thankful for.   We are all happy and healthy, and have the blessing of good jobs and money to buy presents and Christmas dinner.   We truly are blessed.

Here’s the thing–and the reason for this post because I’m sure you’re wondering how this relates to infertility and TTC.    Well, this morning I got it in my head to take a pregnancy test.   Of course it came out as a BFN because it has only been 7 days since ovulation.   Duh!    I thought maybe I would get my Christmas miracle and be happy and glowing all day.   Mind you, I have zero symptoms of pregnancy at all.     I just psyched myself up and wasted a buck by peeing on a stick.   Oh well.   

I am really going to try hard to not test until Tuesday–hubby’s birthday.   I figure that will be 12 DPO, so that has more of a chance of a positive.  If not, I’ll test again on New Years Day (maybe eve) since I’ll need to know if I can drink that champagne.    I have my fingers crossed, but really don’t think it happened again this month.   I’m hopeful that the start of 2010 will be better for us and we can get this baby making thing done.  It would be awesome to have a little one in my arms this time next year!

I don’t know what else there is to say about the BFN today.  I was hoping that some elegant words would come to mind, but most of the words that have come to mind have been less than elegant.

Mostly the words are born out of frustration and anger.  Oh, and a ton of sadness.

This month was more difficult than most.  It marked a full year of trying.  Yes, I totally understand that most people try for a year before they think something is wrong and get checked out.  We were just fortunate (or unfortunate?) enough that it was evident that we had a problem on our hands four months in to trying.

For the past eight months I have been on and off of Clomid.  I have been stuck and poked and prodded countless numbers of times.  I am pretty sure I could give myself an ultrasound if the technician were to accidentally pass out.

This is not how I imagined how this process would go.

I know that I am blessed beyond comprehension in so many ways.  I remind myself of that daily when I get sad or upset about this situation.

But this situation just sucks.

I’ve learned a lot of fertility lingo in the past year.

TTC = trying to conceive

Luteal Phase = time between ovulation and the next menstrual cycle

Trigger Shot = an injection of hormones to trigger ovulation

BFN = Big Freaking Negative pregnancy test

Today was another BFN.

I don’t even know how many BFNs we’ve had in 2009 because I had some weird cycles - 12? 13?

It’s getting old.

Any patience I had has gone. I am thoroughly and utterly pissed off.

 Hi everyone! I first just want to say how grateful I am for all the comments you’ve written about this last BFN. They are so supportive and mean so much, especially since I know all of you are going through so much too.

So, we’re officially on a break. Well, we’re gonna meet a new doctor and have some tests done – but as for assisted TTC – we’re on a break. That means…

• I’ve taken Nyquil

• I’ve done crunches

• I’ve had a glass of wine with dinner

• I’m gonna start EXERCISING without fear of disrupting implantation

OH THE LIFE I’M GONNA HAVE!!!!

I was gonna start exercising today – but it didn’t happen…tomorrow it is! I’m hoping the holidays will keep me busy…then IVF for February!

Yesterday I waited all day for the clinic to call me with the results.  By 3:30 I hadn’t heard anything (and their call line closes at 4, and you always have to wait about 15- 20 minutes to get through) so I decided to call.  After waiting for about 15 minutes a nurse gets on and says “I’m so sorry, the test came back negative.”  I said “ok” or something and then she said bye and hung up…she didn’t even give me a chance to breathe or remember that I need them to call in a refill for my Metformin.  I’m done with that place.  I don’t blame them for my not being pregnant, I just don’t like how they run things.

So December 18^th is our new start at a new clinic.  We’ll take a month or 2 off to get organized and get a little back in shape and then we’ll begin the IVF.  I have to be very hopeful about the IVF, cause after that I don’t think there’s anything left to try to have a baby that grows inside of me.  I could still be a mom, I know that – but IVF looks like our last shot.  I NEVER EVER NEVER thought it was going to come to this.

… Except a blindingly white space where there should be a second line. I really don’t think I’m pregnant.

The contigency plan is seeking answers. I want to know why, at 26, I didn’t respond properly. 36 follies that only grew to roughly 10mm? What’s that about?? Will different drug regimes yield better results? We can’t keep doing stim cycles for 1 egg, we might as well do iui’s!

(interestingly, they’re happy to do dIUI, but when it comes to Ivf with donor sperm, they insist on ICSI, because apparently they have more success!! What’s that saying about the real success rates for dIUI?)

I feel defective. The egg meets sperm part was supposed to be the biggest hurdle. What if I have crappy egg issues to deal with too?

Is the strongest feeling I have right now.

I POAS (FRER for those who might be curious) yesterday, and for a second I thought I saw a line.

I looked again, and no, there wasn’t anything.

I kept looking, and almost convinced myself that there was the smallest imaginable suggestion of a colour change where the line should be. But no.

It was 9dp2dt, and it was a BFN. However much I tried willing it to be otherwise.

I haven’t tested since.

I flit between thinking ‘maybe’, and then ‘it’s just the crinone’.

I don’t know what I feel. I don’t think I feel pregnant. But then, what does pregnant feel like?

I might test tomorrow.

I might wait for my Beta / Period.

I might be pregnant.

I might not be.

Today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday, the next day is Sunday, and the day after that I will know for sure.

Baby, please stay.

You won’t believe it – but this morning we woke up to go for the BETA…I POAS as I do every morning – negative – and I was too tired to go on.  I had been up all night with a horrible sore throat, runny nose and cough – and I was just too tired to get ready, go over there and then have a full day of work.  Don’t worry, we’re going tomorrow – thank you all so much for your positive comments – I feel like I let you all down by not going…I mean what kind of IFer DOESN’T go for her BETA test?!?!  Sorry everyone…but at 15dpo with BFNs everyday, I felt like 1 more day would be fine…like, let the hcg build up or something

Because that’s what I do for every failed cycle. This time, I have the Veuve in the fridge, and counting out the change jar should yield us enough shrapnel to pay for dinner at Aria – whenever we can get a booking in the what will now be a rest cycle.

I went for bloods this morning, but didn’t even make it to the phone call before I started spotting. And I just got off the call with the clinic and hcg level was only 3.5 They usually don’t mention it if it’s below 5, but dammit, I HAD a positive test. And it was still showing slightly positive the next day. I KNOW something happened. I am so pathetic I even took the three tests out with me yesterday to get some friends to analyse them IRL.

But whatthefuckever. Tonight, I am going to have a scaldingly hot bubble bath with a selection of expensive fizzy smelly stuff from Lush, I’ll drink my Veuve out of my favourite posh Riedel crystal flute, and I’ll eat a selection of expensive French cheeses. If I can find something unpasteurised, I’ll get it.

And then I’ll cry myself to sleep.

FS appointment Monday. $10 says he’ll put me on a Puregon FET after insisting on a cycle off. Thanks be to ye Gods that I have a leftover pen of Puregon from my last cycle. They aren’t cheap and apparently the clinic won’t cover them for a frozen cycle.

Maybe I’m in denial, or maybe I’m still numb, but I’m starting to become a little bit more “okay” with this pregnancy not being viable and it only took four hours. If you take the money out of the equation (this frozen embryo transfer cost me and my husband $2,200), I’m just back where I started. Nothing gained, nothing lost (well, except for $2,200).

It’s time to look at the upside of not being pregnant for a moment. I can once again drink Diet Coke and eat sushi. I may even smoke a cigarette or two. New Year’s Eve just got a whole lot more fun. I don’t have to feel guilty about graduating to the ranks of pregnant while a couple of my close friends still suffer among the unpregnant. Oh, and then there’s the big Shroom Fest this summer.

You read it right. Shroom Fest, baby.

To clarify, I am not a big druggie. Or rather, I’m not a druggie at all. In fact, I’m pretty much what we used to call “straight-edge” back in the 90s. I quit drinking in 2001, just days before September 11th and never went back. Not even once. Not even on September 12th, when the cloud of the obliterated Twin Towers blew over my Brooklyn apartment. Not even in the face of all the recent turmoil in my life when perhaps a less committed person would have taken a drink.

But, for some reason, I feel compelled to take mushrooms in my thirties. I was inspired by an article in the New York Times about a 3D Bjork video which had been directed with the aid of psychedelics, and for the first time, I thought that shrooms may be more interesting–and maybe even useful–than simply watching “Wizard of Oz” to “The Dark Side of the Moon.”

The last time I ate a mushroom cap, was about ten years ago, mixed in with a half tab of ecstacy and about eight drinks. It did nothing for me. But now, with a clear mind and an adult’s consciousness, I think it might be a real experience. My husband thinks it’s weird and wants nothing to do with it, and my friends think I’m bluffing. But I just want to do mushrooms and do them once on a beautiful summer day in the heart of Central Park.

So, assuming that I’m not knocked up by June (and the likelihood is very there now), then I have more thing to be thankful for.

Thanks everyone for all of your positive comments!  I know I keep writing in the “maybe /maybe not” voice, but I have to incase things don’t turn out as planned.  I’m so close to Beta it’s driving me nuts!!!  How do we survive these 2WWs – it’s unreal!!!

Just last night I started to have some sore BB, but of course AF could be on her way –plus it only lasted for about 10 minutes…Think positive!  Think positive!

Today I got to work and during my bathroom break saw pink on the TP – I started to cry.  I know it could be implantation bleeding, but I’ve had this happen right around this day every other time and the results have not been so great.  Now tonight it’s red on the TP – not happy.

I went out and bought that ornament I love so much  (see Nov. 19th post).    Baby Baker’s  My Fertility post inspired me to.  The ornament says “Mom to Be” and that’s what I am.  I may or may not have a baby growing inside right now – but I will be a mom – so I bought it.

OK- I’m gonna post this and then do some online shopping to take my mind off of things – I’ll be checking in with you all soon.

I know it’s still early – but MAN I HATE BFNs.  I feel like I’ve had so many symptoms, but they could all be mental, or something else. I’m just still so hopeful that each time I get AF I’m crushed!  So here’s the symptoms the past few days: crazy dreams, CM, thirsty, SO TIRED and yesterday I had awful pain on my right side – so much so that as I was walking home with DH I had to stop, I had horrible cramps and I thought I was going to throw up.  I started crying, it was weird, so we took a cab home instead.  I rested for a while and then felt better.  The rest of the night I had a stitch in my side and I still kinda have it this morning.

In a strange way, I’ve had opposite symptoms too…my face is clearing up a little and I’m not as bloated.

I know, not a very interesting update.  Just thought I’d throw out some symptoms for other 2WWers to obsess over.

I guess I could share part of the weird dreams I had – here’s some parts I remember…

-So most of them have to do with people in my past, like elementary school past.  I remember I was riding in a limo with them somewhere- weird…did I mention I never got along with these people?

-Another piece was, I was trying to get into a knitting class at NYU (what?!) and then decided I wanted to get a second Masters, but the interviewer was an old restaurant manager of mine and he couldn’t finish the interview because his 8 year old just broke up with his girlfriend.  Then I got home (to a house I never saw before) and told my mom I wanted to go back to school and my mom freaked out and said NO (which she’d never do).  She wanted to know why I wanted to change what I was doing and that she never had to go and spend so much money on school (again, my parents would never say this to me, they are supportive of everything, in every way).  Then I yelled back “because all I want is to be a mom and that’s not happening – you are living my dream!”  (aha! infertility has crossed over into my dreams.) Then AF came – in a very heavy, scary way. (TMI, even for a dream, sorry)

-last memory of the dreams: DH and I are living somewhere (I don’t know where) and apparently I’m also renting out a hotel room that cost $145 a night (why I remember that, IDK) so that I can keep my stuff there – because I am a slob (I’m not really a slob, I’m sort of  a hoarder)…but then as the dream goes on, months go by and I forget about the hotel room – until I finally remember it and how much it’s costing me-so we have to drive over there and clear it out – but it’s an impossible task, so we just keep the room for longer.

Ok- please don’t think I’m insane – just thought I’d share a little of the CRAZINESS of my dreams the last 2 nights!

AF is here.  I am trying to stay positive…but it’s not working.  Why does this have to suck so bad?

Podeu escoltar, en exclusiva, l’entrevista íntegre (i sense interrupcions) amb Berto Romero.

foto: Cesar Nuñez

Berto Romero (Cardona, 1974) se considera humorista y guionista. Actualmente es colaborador del programa televisivo Buenafuente y miembro fundador de la compañía teatral El Cansancio. Empezó estudiando periodismo; dejó la carrera para entrar en el mundo radiofónico, de ámbito local, con pequeñas secciones humorísticas. Hasta 2007 colaboró en el programa  El matí i la mare que el va parir de Ràdio Flaixbac y recientemente ha escrito el libro Cero estrellas (2008) con Xavi Tribó. En 2007 se introdujo en el mundo televisivo presentando el programa de TV3 El Gran Què (2007), pero no acabó de cuajar, como tampoco lo hizo con El Programa de Berto (2008), donde fue director, presentador y guionista.

L’ entrevista va tenir lloc el 16 de Novembre en la redacció de El Terrat a Sant Just Desvern. La naturalitat i el bon rotllo en que ens va tractar demostren que a demés de ser un gran professional, també ho és com a persona. Li agrada el seu treball i està disposat a explicar les seves vivències als estudiants que ens iniciem en el món de la comunicació.

Esperem que us agradi l’entrevista.

Moltes gràcies Berto per oferir-nos aquesta entrevista!

Hoy he tirado la casa por la ventana y me he comprado una botella de cava para inaugurar, como se merece, una nueva sección en mi blog. Se llamará news al minute (en castellano “ni más ni menos”) y en ella podremos informarnos de la actualidad vallejística, es decir, de la actualidad de mis hobbys (Buenafuente, Spamalot, Teatro, música, cine, etc)

Y así queda inaugurada esta nueva sección: con dos noticias que a los seguidores del humorista catalán  van a agradar bastante.

La primera, es que Andreu Buenafuente presentará ya definitivamente la gala de los Goya 2010 elpróximo 14 de Febrero. Tras el polémico y divertido misterio que creó Alex de la Iglesia, actual presidente de la Academia del cine, en torno a quién sería el presentador de la gala, hoy se ha desvelado en Madrid el misterio. Aquí os dejo el video donde se anuncia:

Y la segunda es que este año volveremos a ver las campanadas en la Sexta. Sí amigos. Berto Romero y Ana Morgade presentarán las campanadas de este año en nuestra cadena ecológica, la cadena verde, La Sexta.

Y hasta aquí las noticias de hoy. Buenas tardes.

The beta confirmed a BFN for IUI #4. Wanna know what that means? I’m partying like crazy tonight! And for the entire month of November, actually! People, keep your bottles of wine hidden! Starbucks, I might buy you out of Gingerbread Lattes! I might actually have an awesome sex life this month! THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!!!

We’ll begin the IVF process when AF shows up in December but until then, it’s nonstop whatever I feel like.

I’m smiling hugely and excited/scared.

UPDATE:

I almost forgot about sushi! And deli meats! And bacon! And soft cheeses! Omg, I never thought a break could be so awesome!

I indulged in lots of sushi and a couple glasses of champagne last night. Siiiiigh. (More huge smiles.)

Delicious Salmon (bad iPhone pic)

Off to make some mulled wine.

So I ‘m not really sure what to write about today.  I have been so tired lately.  I am totally going to blame it on the time change.  It gets dark so early.  I have been a huge ball of stress this week.  Between T’s surgery and constantly thinking about a baby.  I am going insane.  I did something I haven’t done yet.  I googled adoption.  It was crazy all the stuff that comes up.  We are already talking about our next step.  It is so funny how we have not even done IUI#3 yet, but we are already assuming that it’s not going to work.  Or maybe it’s not that we don’t think it’s going to work, we just feel like we need a backup plan.  Because this is it, I am only going to go through this one more time.  It is just way to hard to get that BFN.  I just wish life wasn’t so unfair sometimes.  Why do we have to go through all of this just to have a baby.  I am so sick of being the girl at work that can’t have a baby.  Well I think my pity party is over for now.  Just feeling stressed out and somewhat depressed.  I think it’s because AF is here and we were suppose to start our 3rd IUI this month, but because of my hubby’s surgery we have to wait another month.  Oh well I guess that gives me more time to get into shape.  Thanks for listening to my problems.

Hay cosas que caen por su propio peso y entradas que se sabe que van a ser publicadas en este blog. Por ejemplo ayer miércoles 4 de Noviembre, Buenafuente volvió a lucirse y junto a él mi querido Berto Romero.

Si, ya lo sé. Últimamente con tanto Spamalot no hablaba de Buenafuente, pero eso no significa que me haya dejado de gustar. ¡¡¡Para nada!!! Pero si os recomiendo que vayáis a verla todos aquellos que no hayáis tenido la oportunidad porque de verdad merece mucho la pena. Spamalot sigue en el teatro Lope de Vega de Madrid, así que ya estáis perdiendo el culo. Es una orden,¡¡¡ sé donde vivís!!!

El caso (que me pierdo). Salieron los dos presentando su sección “la nave de la risa” como siempre y dentro de ella…bueno, ¡qué leches! Mejor os lo dejo aquí y os lo miráis.

Increíble…¿verdad?

Another sad trombone: BFN. But you know what, I’m doing all that I can and it is what it is. Nothing I can do to change it now and there’s nothing I could have done to change the outcome.

I’ll strong arm the RE into doing the beta today (thanks IF crossroads!) and stop progesterone immediately. Good bye Clomid! God bye IUIs!  Let’s get this IVF show on the motha effing road!

We’re baby bound!