It is funny as for so many years Susan was my Halloween costume, not that she was any less important to me then now but it was a day I could dress up and go out and really no one cared as to them it was just a costume. Now that I have grown so much in who I am and how I view Susan and also because I can get out so much Susan has become more of a regular part of my life and now that means that at Halloween being Susan just won’t do. This means finding a female costume which can be hard as most really cute costumes are shall we say on the smaller side for me. It is funny as I put way more thought and effort into a costume for Susan then I ever did for my male self and also willing to spend more money on something that I will probably only wear once. Yes Susan does not like to wear the same costume twice, well maybe a few years down the road I can reuse my Wonder Woman costume

Well as I said I don’t have much time so this weekend I spent going around and looking for just that perfect costume for the party. I must have gone to 10 different places including places that rent costumes. It was actually fun as I did try on some well I tried to try some on as some there was just no way I was going to get into them as medium large I think is more like medium small. It was still a lot of fun.

Well I did find what I think is the perfect costume for Susan this year and it was actually on sale well kind of any way. When the lady wrong it up it rang up less than the tag. It was funny as she asked me I was buying it for someone else and I told her no it was for me. She then told me all sales are final and I just smiled and said I knew that and that was why I tried it on first. I think this caught her a little off guard as I said it like it was the most normal thing to do. She smiled and said I bet you will look great. I thanked her and left. I really think this makes such a big difference in how people see you and react to you.

Any way I have an awesome costume well almost, I needed one more thing which I ordered online so I am all set. I can’t say what the costume is as some of the members of the group read this and as always I want it to be a surprise. I will of course get pictures at the party and post them in future blogs so you will all get to see it. I hope everyone is ready for Halloween and has a fun safe night.

Thanks for reading

The question was what do I identify as and she (crossdresser, transgender, transsexual, t-girl, genderqueer, gay, lesbian, queer, etc.) now for me I have never really been big on titles but I gave it my best shot and in my mind you can fit into several categories. First I do think of myself as a crossdresser as I do not want to transition and live full time but it really is more than that to me as it is more to me than simply putting on female cloths. I like to dress completely and present as female. T-girl to me pretty much includes all transgender people so this also fits who I am. Now I am not gay and I will admit when I first started dressing this kind of bothered me that people would think that just because I dressed I would be gay but with time, experience I have come to understand why people think this and have also realized that since I am straight when I am out as Susan I am not interested in men but woman so I guess that would also make me a lesbian in a way as I do take on the female role in the way I act. Transgender is also one of those areas that can be hard to define. If you put gender on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being totally feminine and 10 totally masculine I think most people fall between 3 and 7 so I guess I would be the one right in the middle as I think I have a lot of characteristics of both genders and not really what I would call a dominate. That being said I can modify my actions so as male I suppress the feminine ones and as Susan well you guessed it I suppress the male ones which basically means that as Susan I would be more to the 3 range and as my male self more to the 7 range so really no one can tell. Now I am not sure this is a word but I almost think for me bi-gender would be a better term just because I do switch between genders in the way I act depending on how I present. Which leads to another question is how do you identify and I would say the same goes here, yes I am male and identify that way most of the time but as Susan I take on the feminine roll, I act and present as female and yes I even think that way so when I am Susan I do identify that way as female and that is how I think of myself. Any way I may be in her article in PQ monthly.

Well back to Friday night, I have been looking forward to this night all week so I got home from work around 5 and started to get ready, yes I love the time I spend getting ready as it relaxes me so I don’t mind how long it takes. A nice warm showed and shave and then time for my makeup. When I was satisfied with this it was time to dress and I chose my black dress and heels and was out the door by 6:45. I noticed that the sun has already set by this time and by 7 it is getting pretty dark out, now I really like the summer but yes it is way easier to get out after dark less chance of a neighbor seeing you. We were meeting at Sweethome bar & grill where we have gone several time, the owner actually invited us to come there after he heard about the P-club telling us not to come back. It was early and they weren’t very busy yet, Chris was the only one there from our group so far so we sat and talked for a while, I went ahead and ordered dinner because I was hungry. About 7:45 Cassandra showed up and it was just the 3 of us for a while and Cassandra wondered how many would be out tonight. Well it wasn’t long and others started to show up.

We had a good turnout, 17 that I counted and I am going to try to name them all. Me, Cassandra, Chris, Cristine, Bobbie, Victoria, Jan, Lynn, Lizzy, Michelle, Robin (in boy mode), Cassie, Joan, Jenn, Guinevere, and a couple new girls, Breena and I can’t remember the other, sorry as I am blonde. It was great to have such a big crowd out. I got a chance to talk to Cassandra about Diva Las Vegas as they have put the pictures from last year up. It is funny as we as a group do not take nearly the pictures we took just a year ago. Any way Cassandra told me that we have 4 of us planning on going next year to Diva Las Vegas, her and I along with Cristine and Guinevere.

Any way I did managed to talk with every one there this time probably the only reason this blonde could remember who was all there. It was great to spend time with them after missing so many weekends. Jenn and I had a chance to talk and things are still going well for her. She is transitioning but still not full time yet although she looks awesome and would have no trouble.

Also got to talk with the two new girl’s well they were out last Friday also when I was not. They were both really nice. Breena who is also really passable was awesome to talk with. She just moved here to Portland a couple weeks ago and again a blonde moment as I can’t remember from where she moved. I hope they both come out more and join our group.

Several of our group sang Karaoke including Victoria. I am not sure if this was her first time but was the first time I saw her sing and she was really good. Maybe one of these days I will try it. Well we talked about next weekend and going to Harvey’s Comedy club and I think we already have about 8 planning on going. We also talked about Halloween which is fast approaching and I still don’t have a costume. Funny just s few years ago Susan was my costume but now I need or want a feminine costume so yes that will be my weekend plans to go look at cute costumes for Halloween.

Now tonight I actually got hit on twice by 2 different men who as I said men I am not interested in but I will admit it does give one a self-confidence boost. Actually the first guy I didn’t even realize till lizzy pointed him out. He had had a lot to drink so he may not have been seeing to clear, but he was at a table and smiling at me and lifting up his beer can. Me being blonde just thought he was trying to get the bar tenders attention for another drink till I realized there was no one else around me or behind me. Now by no means am I an expert at picking up woman in a bar but holding up your drink this way is more of a way of saying get me a beer then wow I want to meat you. Any way I smiled back but kept on with my conversation with my friends as I was not interested. The second man was at the bar when I went to pay my bill. He had been sitting there looking towards me but again I really don’t pay attention to the men. He asked if I was leaving and why I hadn’t come over and had a drink with him, he even ask if I wanted a drink. Being late I just said I needed to go when he asked where my husband was. I just smiled and said I didn’t have a husband and actually I was looking for a wife. He accepted this and we chatted a bit while I paid my bill. Now I did look good last night but could they have actually thought I was female, a nice though but more than likely it was the amount of alcohol they had or maybe they just didn’t care. Either way it was flattering in an uneasy way.

Thanks for reading and have a great week

I was all I spent about an 1 ½ hours getting ready as this is something I enjoy and find relaxing so always nice when I don’t have to rush. I was ready to leave by 6:30 which gave me lots of time to get downtown Portland by 7. Fox & Hound was a little busier than normal on a Wednesday night but then again I don’t go there that mush during the week. Julie was there so I joined her while we waited to see if others would show up. It also gave us a chance to talk and get to know each other better. She also lives in SW Washington, so it seems we have several of us in the group from Washington.

It really wasn’t long and Diane showed up. The three of us sat and talked, Diane told us about her trip to SCC (Southern Comfort Conference) in Atlanta. This is the biggest transgender convention anyplace. She also showed us some of her pictures; she had a really good time. We ordered dinner and had a nice time talking. It really was nice to be out with friends for dinner.

About 9 we decided to head over to Boiler Room for a while which is just around the corner. The Boiler Room is a really nice place and we are always treated well there. They were not very busy but it was still early as they don’t even open till 9. A young lady came over and talked to me for a bit, she wanted to know if we were going to sing Karaoke and I assured her she really didn’t want to hear me sing. We talked for a bit and then she sang and she was really good.

Julie and Diane played a game of pool and I was going to play the winner which Diane did. Diane got off to a fast lead but I did make a good comeback but in the end Diane won. It was a fun night and as usual when I go out with my friends I stayed out way too late. It is so hard to leave when you are having fun but as I get up really early for work during the week I try to be in bed by 10, turns out I didn’t leave the Boiler Room till a little after 10 and as it is a ½ drive home made for a really short night. It really was a fun night and great to spend see Julie and Diane.

Well I plan on going out this Friday night with the group and we should have a good turnout. We should be at Sweethome Bar & Grill. It is a little smaller place but always sun and they also do Karaoke.

Also Diva Las Vegas announced their dates for 2013; it will be Sunday April 14 thru Friday April 19 2013. I am already making plans as these are great dates for me. This is an awesome vacation so if you are interested check out their web page at http://www.geekbabe.com/dlv/.

Thanks for reading

Well as I said it is a busy time and I am still not sure I will make it out tomorrow night with my friends as I may have to work really late. One of the reasons I really wanted to get out tonight even if just a couple hours here at Starbucks. Besides it gives me a chance to catch up on e-mails and a little work without distractions of being at home, yes the TV which I seem to have on way to much. I really hope that I can get out of work as I have missed the last two Fridays with my friends and I need my friends fix for the week. Yes we e-mail and chat but actually being out with them is awesome.

Well leaving my house tonight was hard as when I pulled out of the garage my next door neighbor was outside talking on her phone, she had her back towards my house but then one never knows if she turned around as I was driving by. It is fall now and soon the winter weather will set in but again it is also getting darker earlier and that means less people (neighbors) outside in the evenings when I leave. Always easier to get out in the winter as it gets dark so early. It is funny as T-girls especially crossdressers are really more of a late night person. I remember when I first started going out. It was always late at night, usually didn’t leave the house till at least 9 sometimes 10 as I needed the cover of darkness. I would have never thought of going out in the day or even someplace public. I have really come a long way as I really do feel pretty comfortable when I am out and sometimes I even forget that that I am dressed.

Well Starbucks is a little quiet tonight except for when I first got here. There was a line of about 7 people in front of me but they all got theirs to go but still had to stand in line. This would have scared me just a few years back but now it seems so natural. It is funny as I still get some people, male, female and even transsexuals who always wonder why I don’t want to transition. I really think it is easier for people to understand transsexuals than crossdressers. Someone who believes they are or should have been the opposite sex is just easier for people to understand then a man who just like to be female part time. For me it is so easy to understand, it is something I enjoy and like to do. I often refer to it as my hobby even though it is more than that as it really is a part of who I am. It shapes my life and defines who I am as much as my male side but that I think is the key for a crossdresser as both male and female side make them who they are. Transsexuals need to be the opposite sex where I need to be both. Now that being said when I am Susan I do identify as Susan, female and try to be as female as I can in thought and actions well with the exception of men just no interest there. So I guess in that way I would be called gender fluid as my gender is really based on if it is Susan or my male side. Susan has more hand movements and gestures and when she talks and yes Susan likes to talk and dare I say more graceful where my male self is more stiff and conversations are more for the exchange of information. It really is amazing when you break it down and notice the differences in the two sides.

Well I need to go for now and if I do make it out tomorrow there will be a blog about it Saturday. After this weekend I hope to get back into my twice a week routine

Thanks for reading

It wasn’t long and Cassandra, Victoria, Wilma and Veronica showed up. It is always nice to get together with your friends. A few of the girls ordered something to eat but most of us were waiting till we got top Harvey’s. Actually we eat so often at Fox & Hound I like to eat at Harvey’s as they are so nice to our group it is nice to spend our money there when we go. Jenn and Guinevere also showed up. This was really Guinevere first time out other than a couple private meetings. It is always fun to share someone’s first time out in public as we all remember our own first time. It was nice to talk with her and get to know her better. It was actually nice to talk with everyone and catch up on what’s new. About 8:30 we all left walked over to Harvey’s. It is about 8 blocks and on a nice summer’s eve a really pleasant walk. Being a Saturday night there were lots of people out on the streets.

We got to Harvey’s and got our tickets and went into the bar outside the show room to wait for the early show to get over. Jan & Lynn were already there waiting. There were not a lot of other people there yet as it was still early. It wasn’t long and the bar started to fill up. It really is fun to people watch here as you get such a diverse group, there was a group there for a bridal party. Robyn also showed up which gave us 12 for the show.

It was finally time to go in and we had already talked with our favorite waitress Kim, actually she came out and talked with us as she knows we come on the second Saturday every month and we wanted to get in her section which she had already arranged.

The comedians were awesome; I think we had seen the one before but still a really good show. The one comedian picked out some people up front and picked on them it was really good. I think when a comedian can do that off the top of his head it really shows talent. We have gone here so many times and always had a great time. After the show we talked with Kim our waitress, she was glad we came and thanked us, actually several of the waitresses came over and talked with us and told us it was great to see us there. On the way out we got a chance to talk with the comedian’s and told them how good they were. After the show we walked back to Boiler Room, some of the girls went in but as it was late it was time for me to go home. it was a really fun night which I needed as it will probably be a couple weeks till I get any Susan time again.

Thanks for reading.

Beth updated us on what was going on and how she wanted things to proceed and as our attorney we need to follow her. She brought up her concerns about the protest they had planned and thanked them for canceling it till we could talk. Right now we really don’t feel a protest is a good idea till we see where our complaint with the State goes. It was nice to meet these people who are supportive of us and answer their questions. It was about 5:30 when we were all done with the meeting and they left and it was just our group again. We talked a while amongst ourselves about the complaint and what was going on, this was the first chance for Amy, Veronica, Jan & Lynn to talk with the attorney the one thing we are all sure of is what we are doing is right. As we told the others that were there what we are looking for in this complaint is to make it clear you can’t discriminate on gender expression. We should be able to go in any public place and be treated no different by the owner than anyone else. If we can get enough news coverage to get this message out then we have won.

Well we all had dinner and then at 7 we walked over to the Boiler Room as that is when they open. Amanda the bar tender was happy to see us as it has been several weeks since we were there last as we have been trying other places on Friday nights. We talked with Amanda for awhile, she is really nice. Well we went over and got table and started to play pool. The Boiler room is really a nice place and they are not that busy till 9 when they start Karaoke so it gave us a nice chance to talk some more. We talked about where we wanted to go next Friday night and as I will not be out, actually after this weekend will be a couple weeks probably before I get out as Susan again. Any way I think they are thinking about 52 street sports bar next Friday. In a way I think it is good not to go to the same place every Friday. Now the Boiler Room is a nice place as it is a younger crowd and I think there are more females there then males and the girls also tend to wear more dresses which is nice. Some places we go our group may be the only females on dresses and skirts which makes us stand out a little more.

Well about 9 they started to get busy as they got Karaoke going. Some of the people who sing are really good and others well let’s just say they got up and sang which makes them winners as I don’t have the guts to do that even though I think it would be fun. Chris sang a few times and did an awesome job. Of course as you get more people inside it gets hotter and then you got to worry about your makeup as sweat is never a good thing for a crossdresser. We tend to need to use a little more makeup to help our look and if it starts to run well just not a good look. Luckily it never got really hot inside.

There were lots of really pretty girls there and the funny thing is being a crossdresser you are torn between how pretty they are and how cute their dress or heels are or how they did their makeup. We try to take it all in and wonder how we would look in their dress or could we do our makeup the way they did and of course how they would feel about us and would they ever date us? We were having a great time when a girl came over and started talking to us, her name was Michelle and she was there celebrating her 24^th birthday with her friends. Seems her boyfriend broke up with her the day before which sucks. She was really nice and also tall which I like for two reasons. First tall girls I think are hot and also they make me not look as tall when I am out as Susan. she was 5″10″ and had on these really hot high heels and since I wore my lower heels I was just a little taller so yes you guessed it I had to get a picture with her. She was really cute and had an awesome smile, wow if I was 10 years younger, oh and she was 10 years older, well I can dream. Well Cassandra, Michelle, Jan and I got our picture taken. Jan is hard to see in the picture but I looked better in this picture so I chose this one. I will also put the other picture in further down so Jan is more visible. We talked with her for about 10 minutes. She is one of the girls I was talking about, very beautiful but also had this really awesome dress and heels.

Well I did play I think 3 games of pool and did win one. The one thing that is hard to get use to is standing in line for the bathroom which is something guys do not have to worry about. Anyway the only reason I brought this up is I went to use it and there was one girl standing in line in front of me and we started chatting which again is something guys miss out on. Any way we talked for a few minutes waiting, she even knocked on the door to make sure someone was in there as it was taking a while. By this time there were about 7 other girls behind me and we all stood there talking and having a nice time. Well it had now been about 10 minutes and we were still waiting when one of the bar staff came up and said she had to check the bathroom real quick to make sure it was clean and opened the door only to find there was no one in there. So here we were all standing there for over 10 minutes waiting and the bathroom had been empty all the time. There girl who was first in line just looked at the rest of us and said, Oh well I am blonde’ and went in and we all broke up laughing.

Later on two girls and a guy came over and started talking to us. They were really nice and just wanted to meet us. I can’t remember their names but they introduced themselves. Wilma was the closest and got to talk with them the most. I was at the other end of the table and with the music had a hard time hearing them. Yes forgot to ad that Wilma, Robyn, Bob and Penelope also showed up. It was great to see them especially Wilma and Penelope as they don’t get out as much. Any way the two girls had on really cute dresses. The one thing I have noticed is here at the Boiler Room the girls always dress really nice and the guys are all pretty casual which I think tends to be the case most places as females tend to care more about how they look.

Any way I did get a chance to talk with Wilma a little but not as much as I would have liked. I am hopping she is going to Harvey’s Saturday night so we can talk more. It was a fun night and I think we left about 1:30 which was a long bight out for Susan. We walked over by CC’s as we saw Bo one of the drag queens we know out front and wanted to say hi. She was talking to a guy in a wheel chair. Now he was gay and I know this because that is how he introduced himself. He was really taken by Bo and interested in drag and Bo offered to dress him up in drag if he wanted which he did so they were exchanging information. Any way he asked my name and Jan’s name so we introduced ourselves to him. Now I don’t think he has ever met a crossdresser before because when he introduced me to his brother he made sure to mention that his brother was straight. Of course I without missing a beat just smiled and said that was nice because so was I which I think caught them both off guard. He looked at me and said he had to introduce me to someone else and would be right back. He brought his sister over and introduced her to me by saying, “this is Susan and she is straight”. Up to this point she really didn’t seem to impressed with us or the drag queens but she kind of cocked her head and looked at me smiled and said “Really” and then told me how pretty I looked. We chatted for a few minutes and I could tell they were trying to figure out why a straight guy would dress this way. I just smiled and told them I just enjoy it and dress this way a couple times a week and they seemed to accept this.

Well we left as it was now really late. Saturday night is our monthly night we go to Harvey’s Comedy club so I am really looking forward to that as it is always so much fun. I think we have about 14 of us going and we will meet at the Boiler Room between 7 & 8:30 before walking over to Harvey’s for the 10 pm show. Of course that will ve another blog.

Thanks for reading and have a great weekend. Wow just noticed I was a little long winded here.

Well I was all ready to leave by 6:45 and no signs of my neighbors so off I went. As I pulled out on the street just a few houses down 5 of the neighbor kids were riding their bikes down the street towards me and nothing I could do but keep going. Hopefully they were too interested in riding to pay much attention to me in the car. There was a little more traffic tonight so took me a little longer to get there so it was about 7:30 when I arrived. I found a parking spot on the street just a little way down from the door. Now there is always a little rush going in someplace totally new but not like it use to be a few years back. It use to be I would sit in the car and watch who was coming and going and who was around and build the courage to get out of the car. Now it is just get out and go and the rush is to see how people accept me or look at me but still fun to go to a new place.

Chris, Cassandra, Amy, Cristine and Bobbie were already there. I think it is just a little bigger than the Sweethome bar we went to the last couple weeks but it may just be the layout inside seemed more open. There were maybe 10 to 15 other people there also and it turns out Cassandra and Cristine got there about 5:30. We ordered some food and played some pool and yes I lost but had fun doing it. Bob, Samantha, Michelle and Alizabeth also showed up while we were eating.

A couple GG’s at the next table started talking to us, actually Chris was trying to download some music on their juke box and couldn’t get it to work so they helped us. Well we got talking to them and had a great time. Their names were Heather and Suzanne. They told us how great we looked and one never gets tired of hearing they look pretty at least I don’t. Somehow we got on to age and I of course told them I was sure I was older than they were and they both said they were older then I thought and Suzanne wanted to bet. Turns out I should have bet as I was a year older than Suzanne and 6 years older than Heather so I guess I still look good for a 48 year old of course the makeup helps a lot. Well Suzanne wanted a picture with me and you all know how much I love getting my picture taken, I couldn’t get my camera fast enough, this is me and Suzanne. They seemed totally okay with our group being there.

Jan, Lynn, Jenn, Kelly and Robyn showed up also so now we had 15 of us there. This was really good considering we were at a new place that we had never been to before. It was nice to get a chance to talk with everyone but as we were spread across 3 tables I kept moving from table to table. I chatted with Samantha for a bit, she had tried doing her nails the way I do but the tape wouldn’t hold. Turns out she bought the regular mounting tape and not the Scots indoor outdoor mounting tape, this tape is water proof and holds up so much better, you can see a picture of the tape in my blog “Great idea for fast beautiful nails“.

I also got to talk with Jenn which was nice as it has been about 6 weeks since we have both been out at the same time. It was nice to catch up on what is new, she has come out to her whole family about Jenn even though she is not yet full time yet. The funny thing is she has told all her neighbors about it but they are never out when she leaves and she keeps hoping they will be so they can see her. I on the other hand none of my neighbors know and it seem almost every time I leave they are out or around and I don’t want them to see me, funny how that works.

Got to talk with Jan and Lynn as it was nice to see them out, they are such a wonderful couple. Jan and I played doubles against a couple guys, don’t remember their names but they asked us to play. Jan and I won both games, we had a good time and they thanked us for the game. Jan did make an awesome shot, she had to shoot to the far end of the table and bounce it back to the same end between their balls and the two we had left. She called the one ball in the corner and in fact she hit it so perfect she split them and both went in opposite corners. I don’t think we could have set it up to do that, great shot. A couple other guys came up and wanted to play us their names were Rob and Jesse and they were good. They beat us 3 games in a row but we had fun. The fourth game was ours, we actually did really well and in the end we won and they had not sunk a ball.

At 10 they also do Karaoke here, Chris sang a couple songs. A couple GG’s came over, their names were Debbie and Gina. They chatted with us for awhile. Debbie asked Chris to sing the song boys of summer I think which he did. We had a lot of interaction with the people here and they seemed fine with us, most of the time actually almost all of the time they came to us to talk so it wasn’t like we were forcing the issue with them which made it nice.

Brenda the bar tender was awesome and so nice, she was a little over worked with us there as it was a lot more business but she did great. She told us we were welcome there any time which made us feel good. Even several of the regular customers, both male and female told us the same and hoped we would come back. Debbie came back over latter just to tell me her and her friend Gina thought I was very beautiful. I never get tired of hearing as it makes you feel so wonderful inside. It really was a fun night. I think we are still going to go to different places instead of the same one every week just to mix it up some though but I am sure we will be back here again. If you are looking for a friendly neighborhood bar check out 52^nd street sports bar.

Not sure if I will get out this week during the week but I will be out next Friday as we meet with our Attorney Friday between 3 & 5 which I hope to be there by 3 and then also Saturday we should do our monthly trip to Harvey’s comedy club which is always so much fun. Thanks for reading.

I got downtown by 7:30 and there was already a good group there. Chris, Roxy, Cassandra, Amy, Michelle, Cristine and Alizabeth were already there. It was nice to see so many out so early. It was nice to get a chance to enjoy dinner and nice conversation with friends. They actually have really good food at Fox & Hound.

We talked about what we were going to do Friday night. Seems Scotty one of the bar tenders recommended a bar on Sandy, actually he knows the bar manager and he told her about our group and she extended an invitation for our group to come there so that is our plan this Friday night. It will be fun to go to another new place for the night. Julie, Jan and Lynn also showed up. We also talked about next Friday. We are meeting at 3 pm as Our Attorney wants to meet with us and update us on what is going on and things we can do. It will be tough for me to get there that early but I am going to do my best.

After we ate we walked over to CC Slaughters. The girls like to go her as they have drink specials on Wednesday night and of course a pool table. I got a chance to talk with Roxy; she is still looking for a place to work but is doing nails for Victoria Sinclair. She actually did her own nails and they looked really good. She did gel nails so we talked about them. I have done acrylics many times but never the gel ones. Maybe someday I will try them.

I also got a chance to talk with Amy and Julie. It was nice to get to Know Julie better. Turns out she lives in Vancouver too and not that far from the Starbuck’s I go to. It was a really fun night and of course went by way to fast and soon it was time for me to leave. I actually stayed out to almost 10 which for a week night are late for this girl. Amy also had to leave so we walked out together. It was a really fun night and I must try to do this more.

Thanks for reading.

Have you ever reached a point where you wanted to go for a long walk alone, just so you can let your thought burn off? Just start moving and keep going with no destination in mind, just loosing yourself in the movement?

I wish I could do that now.

I’ve become lost in a haze and I don’t know where I am going or even why.

My thoughts are a rambling mess and I don’t know what I want to say, I know there are things I need to express but I just don’t know how. I’m sure this post is going to be a jumbled, confused mess and for that I am sorry. Usually I try to have something sensible to say, but today I just can’t.

For awhile now I have been feeling my self understanding slipping through my fingers. I just can’t get a grip on who I really am, on what I am. I have looked and looked for someone blogging about this feeling, I have done countless Google searches, and still I haven’t found anything…. anyone.

There is a very serious disconnect between how I feel about my body and how I feel about the way my mind works. While I have a terrible body image, I know I can live with this physical form. I don’t have body dysphoria. I don’t feel a driving need to make major changes to get a female body. Yes, I often think about HRT, I wonder if it would be a help or a curse. There are days when it is a desire I can almost taste and yet, there are just as many when it barely crosses my thoughts. No, at this point, I know I can live as I am physically, maybe not happily, but it isn’t torture.

Mentally, emotionally, is a very different story….

I can’t stand it when I fall back into masculine habits. Into those male dominated thought patterns. When I find myself thinking in the ways I did before, when I find myself thinking of myself in masculine terms.

Does any of that make sense?

When I find my thoughts and feelings taking such a turn, I become depressed, unsure of myself, and just falling into such a feeling of failure it rips away my will power. I want to curl up and die. It’s like someone has pulled the rug out from under me.

I hate my birth name… even when in full blown boy mode, I never liked it. In girl mode I despise it beyond words. When I find myself using it to think of myself, which thankfully has been slowly diminishing, I want to scream. If I could I would burn it from my thoughts forever.

For me, it represents everything I never wanted to be. It is the epitome of everything I hate. I know the people in my life, loved ones and just people who know me in passing, know me by that name, and so I am forced to tolerate it, but hearing it spoken is enough to make me want to throw up. It is disgusting and vile and I hate it. I hate it. I HATE IT.

I look in the mirror and all I see is me dressed up like a boy. I see something which is me and yet it isn’t and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to change it. Yes, I do find when I am properly expressing myself, I can see past the bits and pieces I think of as being male and embrace this image of my womanhood. When I speak of not being able to change the male image, I mean I cannot change how I am forced to express to the world at large, I can’t just throw all my boy clothes away and start over today as I really am. I feel trapped by a world which insists I conform to it’s comfort at the cost of my own.

The whole world is a stage and I’m forced to wear clown makeup.

Well I gambled they would open the street as they said and went ahead and took my shower and got as ready as I could. It was just a couple minutes after 6 when they did open the street so I went and got my car and drove home to my garage but by this time it was already 6:15 and I still had to do all my makeup, get dressed and nails and wig so again a rush to get ready. it was just a little after 7 when I was ready to go and of course my neighbors across the street were out working in there yard plus I did not know if any of my other neighbors down the street were out maybe getting their cars. Well I got in my car and opened the garage door and watched my neighbors till they turned their backs towards my house and thought this was my chance and out I went. I never looked towards them just focused on where I was going so not sure if they turned around and saw me leave. If they did I am sure they will have questions as it was very bright sunny day and I had on my blonde wig and of course red lipstick which would stand out. It will be interesting the next time I run into them.

The group was meeting at Sweethome the same place we went last week, next week we are going to try a different place. I got there and there was no parking so I was two blocks away which made for a little walk. Inside I was surprised by how many of our group was already there being only 7:30. Cassandra, Chris, Amy and her friend, Cristine, Bobbie, Michele (in boy mode), Victoria and Diane and shortly after I got there Elizabeth and one of her friends from school showed up which was good for as early as it was.

It was awesome to see Diane again as she only get to Portland about once a month. We sat together and talked for about 30 minutes which was awesome as I got to know a lot more about her. She really is a wonderful person and a good friend even though there are still things we don’t know about each other. It would seem strange to most people I guess to think you could have a really good friend and still know so little about them but to me and most crossdressers it is normal as we all know we have secrets and don’t share all about our lives. As we get closer we share more. There are members of the group I really know nothing about other then what they present when they are out and to me that is more than enough. It is the person that counts and not knowing every little detail and secret in their life. I guess my outlook is a little different than most but think what a wonderful world this would be if people just accepted others for who they are.

Well we all ordered dinner and had a wonderful time talking. Rachel, Danielle and Lorraine the GG’s we met at the P-Club were there. They have been so supportive about what happened and are the reason we have come to this new bar. Several of us played pool and although I didn’t do as well this week, won 1 and lost 1 which I guess is 500% but had a fun time. They had a good size crowd again last night, and of course they did Karaoke again but they didn’t get it set up till after 10.

They have some really talented people who sing there and of course some not so much but at least they try. Chris did get up and sing a couple times though and did an awesome job. It was a fun night and as usual went way to fast. It is always sad to see the evening come to an end but there is always next Friday night to look forward to. We are planning at this point to try another place not sure where but as long as I am out with my friends it will be fun.

Thanks for reading

Now you would think that this would upset me and the other girls in the group but as strange as it seems we are all just laughing at them as they are so concerned with us and our group and what we are doing that it takes up most of their time. They must check these things several times a day to post and they have said they still have a couple members of the group that forward them our posts from the group. Which I guess with over 200 members that is believable. It is funny as they seem way more worried about us. Most of us just feel sorry for them as they must have empty sad lives that the only joy they find is with our group. In a way I guess you could call them stalkers of our group, they have kind of become the jokes of the group. Well enough of this and on to more important things.

As I said I was able to get out tonight and so I went to Starbuck’s as it is a nice place to catch up on e-mails and some work. It is kind of fun to think about some of the people I work with and wonder what they would think if they knew I was doing this work as Susan. I think that is why I started coming to Starbuck’s in the first place as it is way more fun doing my work here like this than at home as a guy. It also allows me to chat with some of my friends online and also update my blog, yes this blonde can multi task.

It is funny as Susan is on so many things online and my male self only has an e-mail address and nothing else. I tend to get a lot of friends request on Flickr and Facebook from people with no information or picture and I wonder if they really think I would friend them? Now I am not being stuck up or selective but I am not just looking for numbers to make me feel like I am special. I want to know a little about the person as I would rather have 100 really good friends than 1,000 people I know nothing at all about. I have one contact that has over 2,000 friends on face book and I wonder how she can even know anything about most of them. Don’t get me wrong as there is a place for this and it is a great way to meet people and keep in touch with them and if what you like is having lots of contacts that is fine for you. Just like for me I like to crossdress and that may not be what you like or want. We all are different and that is fine as that is what makes us each interesting.

We are still looking for a regular place to go on Friday nights. I actually got an e-mail through yelp, yes I Susan is on yelp too, from one of the bar tenders from the P-Club. He quit working there and is at another bar and extended an invitation to the group to go there on Friday nights so we also have that option. It is nice to have a place that offers a lot to do so we can accommodate every ones needs and likes in the group but I have always said for me it is about the people I am out with and not where we go. Friends are what makes you happy and healthy.

I have so many wonderful friends and that is what made me able to accept this part of me and grow as a person. Without them I would probably be still dressing at home. I always brag about our group and how wonderful it is but that is because it is true. I think we have the most active transgender community in the country as far as numbers of girls that go out regular and we do things at least 2 if not 3 times a week. It is all because of the internet, makes me wish there had been an internet 30 years ago, yes I am dating myself a little but wow if I had had friends and places to go when I was 18 to 20 think of all the fun I could have had.

Well I have the friends now and am able to get out regular so all is good and I just look forward instead of back. I want to thank all my wonderful friends here in the group, those I have met being out and even those who I have yet to meet and only know online. You have all had an impact on my life and helped make Susan the lady she is today. You are all awesome!

Well must end here thanks for reading.

Have you ever read a book or other story you found touched you so deeply, you returned to it time and again? For me it is “Wandering Son” a Japanese manga written and illustrated by Takako Shimura.

It is the story of a boy who wants to become a girl… (Gee, I can’t imagine what I find so compelling about this story).

I could write a thousand words about this and still not explain the levels at which I connect with the main character, Shuichi Nitori.

But… This isn’t a review, though I do recommend reading the series which is available in hard back form from places like Amazon and Barnes & Nobel.

No, I mention it because I am rereading it from start to finish and I will make no bones about the fact it is the inspiration for “Rayou”.  I only hope my own attempt will be a tenth as touching.

Why this is so important to me is because I using my own thoughts, emotions, and yes, some experiences in writing “Rayou”. I am doing something I probably shouldn’t, laying my own soul bare to bring the story to life. I did this once before and I am still paying the cost, but for me, for this story, there is no other way I could write about such a personal issue.

The thing is, I have already started the emotional roller coaster and I have hardly started.

In thinking about this story and what I need to write, I find I am often thinking of the many times when I thought about becoming a girl, about the dreams I had, the wishes, the desires, the prayers. Things I pushed from my mind so long ago.

In reading Wandering son, I see these scenes played out. I know the story, like mine, is fiction, but it hits so close to home…

Even today, I think about living full time, about being able to do the things needed to bring that side of myself into the light of day and not being trapped in cyberspace. I know this is better than how I was living before. Living with desires which filled me with excitement and terror. Not just fear, but gut twisting terror, thinking of what I wanted to do, who and what I wanted to be in the deepest reaches of my being. Still, if I could….

What makes this so hard is it pulls me down emotionally, making it so hard to just make it through the day sometimes. Or more to the point, the nights, which is when I am up and about. There are times when all I want to do is cry, when my heart feels so broken it can never be repaired. There are times when I am angry. Angry at a world that refuses to accept me, that mocks me, that teases me. That seems forever out of reach. 

How much I wish real life was like a story in which the characters are free to be themselves, loved and accepted.

Though this isn’t the reality in Wandering Son…. there as in my life, while there are those who understand, those who are accepting, those who are loving, there are those who are hateful, those who are spiteful. There is fear and uncertainty. There is confusion and a struggle for understanding of the thoughts and desires that drive this need to be something other than as you were born.

I want to have that same sense of contradiction, that same sense of reality in my own story. There is no doubt I have the experience to write about them in a convincing manner.

There is the saying about suffering for your art, but I wonder if anyone thought of this?

I was out the door a little before 7 and made it to the Sweethome Bar & Grill by 7:20. Cassandra & Elizabeth (Veronica’s daughter) were already there talking to Rachel. Rachel is the one who talked to the owner about our group and that is how we got the invitation to go there. We all went in and got a table. Now we were not sure how many would show up tonight as no one posted in the group but we were hopeful.

Well it turns out we had a good turnout, not huge but a good showing for our first group outing here, I think 10 or so. Cristine & Bobbie showed up along with Victoria, Kelly, Samantha, Sophie and Lorna. It was nice to see some of them out as a few have not been out in a while. I got a chance to talk with Lorna for a while which is always nice as her and Sophie always have so much going on and nice to catch up with them.

Larraine also showed up, she is a GG we met at the P-Club and is so awesome. I got a chance to chat with her for a bit but not long enough. We really did meet some nice people at the P-Club so it is a shame about us being asked not to come back there but on the bright side we have had a lot of support from friends Like Larraine, Rachel, and Danielle. They heard what happened and won’t go back to the P-Club.

They do Karaoke here on Friday nights and this week Kelly sang and she did really well. Rachel also sang and also was very good. I give them both a lot of credit for being able to get up in front of people like that and sing. Rachel was talking to one of the girls from the group that comes for Karaoke and she came over and talked with us for a while. Her name was Danielle and she was very nice and complimented us on how we looked. Actually she said she felt under dressed as most of our group was in dresses or skirts. Like I told her though when you only dress a couple times a week you want to dress up as that is the point.

It was a fun night and we even played some pool. Cassandra was on a roll and won like 8 games in a row including a couple regulars. Finally it was my turn to play and of course I got to play Cassandra. She was down to the 8 ball and I still had 5 balls on the table. Well she missed and I ran the rest of my balls and sunk the 8 ball to win. I then played Bobbie and won, then Cristine and one and then one of the guys from the bar and also won that game. Not often I can win 4 in a row.

It was a fun night and I stayed out later than I planned but always hard to leave when you are having so much fun.

I was also out Wednesday night for dinner with the group and noticed I forgot to blog about it, actually just was too busy and it slipped my mind. It was a fun night even though I didn’t stay out late.

I met the group at Fox & Hound, Victoria, Kim, Cristine, Bobbie, Cassandra and Chris were there. It was great to see Kim out again. We had a nice dinner and got to talk with Kim, she is doing so much better which is awesome.

Kitty and Shania came in late. They had done the Drag Out in Portland. This is where several Drag Queens go to different places around town and usually go to Pioneer Square. I have never done this but it sounds like a lot of fun and would love to do it but they start too early for me to make.

It turned out to be a fun week as I made it out 3 time.

I got to Starbucks and they were a little busy which for a hot day surprised me but still a couple tables open so I am okay. I normally get a hot chocolate when I come here but as it is so hot out plus it is loaded with calories and this girl is really making an effort to eat better and watch my calorie intake I tried their new refresher. I got the coco lime refresher which is only 50 calories and no fat compared to the 370 calories and 16 grams of fat in the hot chocolate I think it is a good choice and it is pretty good.

I just got my Avon order the other day, yes Avon brought back my favorite item, Beyond color plumping lip conditioner. I love this product as it is way better than anything I have found to keep my lips soft and not chapped. I don’t think it really plumps your lips at least I haven’t noticed it but really good at conditioning your lips. It is clear and really looks no different than chap stick accept it stays on way better. So even men can wear it and no one will know. If you have not tried it you really should. The other cool thing is you can place your order online and they will even ship directly to you and a lot of the time the shipping is free depending on how much you order. Plus I have a really awesome Avon lady. Yes I am going to give her a plug, if you don’t have an Avon representative check her page out.

Well as you all know from my earlier blog several of us here filed a complaint about being asked not to come back to the P-Club by the owner and it hit the news here in Portland big last Wednesday and Thursday. It was on all the news channels and they even interviewed 3 of the girls. KPTV and KATU put the interviews online and of course that means lots of exposure in the area. I was reading through some of the comments and a lot of them really have nothing to do with the facts or what are going on, it is just people making rude comments and it includes a couple former members of the group that left or were kicked out for causing problems in the group and now they have a way to attack members of the group which really is sad. To think that they are still so preoccupied with our group that they spend so much time and effort to attack us makes me wonder what kind of life they have.

There are also lots of coverage in the news papers and of course on blogs. I was contacted by Erin Rook, a reporter from PQ monthly and she asked me a bunch of questions. She even used some of it in her article on their web page, wish I hadn’t given her my age though as she put that in. makes one feel older when you see it in print. Still an interesting experience and I am sure it will not be my last.

The funny thing is ever since the interviews he has not said anything to the reporters other than his attorney told him not to say anything. It really is a learning experience as I have never been involved in something like this. It will be interesting to see how this proceeds and what happened. Earlier I was talking about the rude comments and I should clarify there have been some really good and supportive ones also which is really nice. We even had one bar that the owner personally invited us to go there called Sweet home Bar and Grill. We went there last week and I think we will be back there again this week. It is a lot smaller so might be hard if we had a lot of girls turnout but as still summer our numbers are down as some of the girls like to wait till it is dark before going out and I can relate to that as it wasn’t many years back I would never leave my house till after dark. Any way it really made me feel good to be invited to come to this place.

Well I need to get a little work done before Starbuck’s closes so I will end here. Thanks for reading.

We have a former member of our group the Rose City T-Girls that left the group because she had a fight, disagreement with another member. We are not sure of what it was about as the girl who is still a member has not really made it public in the group what happened which shows a lot of class on her part.

The T-Girl who left started off making attacks against this one member and they have been public attacks online on public web pages. From there she started attacking other members of the group who had nothing to do with what happened other than being friends of the one T-Girl and even now is attacking everyone in the group with her posts and I guess in a broader look all transgender people who are larger than the average woman or older and can’t pass which is totally wrong and sad.

with what is going on with some of us filing a complaint against the P-Club for asking us not to come back because we are transgender there are now video interviews of several of the girls online from the different new channels and as always you can make comments which has given her a hug ability to make these attacks and some are pretty sad and petty. One has to think with the amount of time and effort she spends keeping track of a group she didn’t want to be a part of and the time involved in making these posts and attacks that she must be really unhappy with her own life as she can’t move on and forget about us and the only thing she can do is try to make our lives miserable. It really is sad.

Well any way she has been posting about all the problems we caused at the P-club which we did not and that we deserved to be kicked out which we did not, basically making this whole thing are fault which again it is not so I thought what better way to show this then use her own words as she has left many comments on my blog over the years. I guess she didn’t stop to think that things you put online stay for people to see over and over again. I will put all of them below but I wanted to highlight this comment first as back in February of 2011 we had heard a rumor there was an issue with us being at the P-Club which nothing ever happened and when we asked the bar staff they assured us there was no problems.

Possible issue with our group at the P-Club still a fun night February 12 2011

Great blog as usual, Susan! You always capture the evening perfectly. Yet another reason that I appreciate this blog so much is that on evenings where I drink a bit too much and my memory is foggy, I can always read your blog to jog my memory! I also agree that the owner of the P-Club has no legitimate reason to ask us not to come there. We have been model patrons (well, that is if you’re not upset by your patrons dressing like girls ). My opinion – if he doesn’t like us there, he should come and say it to our faces. Then I would leave with no complaints. But unless I hear it directly from him, I wouldn’t feel right about just ceasing to go there. That’s just my two cents. Too bad the parking is so horrible in my neighborhood. There are TONS of nightspots that would LOVE our business and welcome us with open arms! Unfortunately they all have on-street parking and usually that means you’re lucky to find a spot 4 or 5 blocks from the place that you want to go to. The upside would be that there are so many places in such close proximity that we could even “bar hop” from place to place, and that might be kinda fun. But the parking situation would have to be resolved before we even think about trying some places in my neighborhood. Oh well, I have faith that it’ll all work out.

Keep up the great blogging!

Hugs,
Jennifer

These are all of her comments and the post she left them on and all were very supportive of the group accept for one which was after she left the group. And they back up how much fun we and her had at the P-Club and that we never caused a problem there. Thanks for reading and allowing me to get this off my chest.

A new path on Friday nights June 23 2012 (notice on this comment no hugs Jennifer)

Your logic is severely flawed, Susan. How do you deduce from my statement that I’m putting down all transgendered people? Nothing in my comment makes a blanket statement towards all transgendered people. It’s obvious tat I was referring specifically to the obnoxious trannys who show up at the P-Club week after week making a spectacle of themselves. How that can be misconstrued as a statement towards all transgendered individuals is beyond my comprehension. Are you insinuating that anybody who considers themselves transgendered is above reproach, and therefore never at fault for anything? That’s silly. My point is simply that you’re fooling yourselves if you think that you were kicked out of the P-Club for any other reason than you own actions. You brought it on yourselves, and now you’re trying to make the owner the bad guy.

Tuesday night finally out again at Starbucks April 26 2011

Oh Susan, speaking of neighbors I am having some funny “neighbor issues” myself lately. There are multiple stories, and they’re a bit lengthy to post them all here, so I’ll have to tell them to you sometime soon. The one that I have to mention really quickly is that I have a new neighbor, and the first time that he met me was when I was dressed as Jennifer as he was moving his stuff in. He was blatantly ogling over my body, then he looked up at my face and I could tell from the look in his eye that he was instantly disgusted. The expression changed on his face so rapidly that it was hilarious, and I couldn’t help but let out a little chuckle. Days later when he formally met me when I was in guy mode, he refused to shake my hand. Anyway, there is much more to this story, plus a couple of other neighbor stories that I have to tell you sometime. They’re all hilarious, though!

Love the blog, as always!

Hugs,
Jennifer

Awesome Friday with friends March 19 2011

Yes Susan, count me as one of the ones who is definitely going to Diva Las Vegas next year! I’ll definitely miss seeing you the next several Fridays. I can’t make it to the P-Club this Friday because I have to get up really early on Saturday morning. This will be the first Friday that I’ve missed going to the P-Club since mid-December! Yikes! Also, like you, I HATE having my photo taken as a guy. But Jennifer can’t get enough of the camera! So I understand what you mean. It’s is so weird!

Hugs,
Jennifer

A cold night out for the girls here in Portland February 26 2011

Great blog as always, Susan! And yes, Misty already has some photos on the group page. I posted them last Saturday. So she has several of them posted on there, as a matter of fact. Good job of “finding” her, Susan! She is so much fun! Also, it’s not surprising that you get so many hits on your webpage(s). Norma and I were talking about your webpage and blog this past Sunday night, and we were discussing how great we think it is and what a good job that you do. We stop by and read it on an almost daily basis to see updates. Keep up the great blogging!

Hugs,
Jennifer

6 Weeks to Diva Las Vegas February 16 2011

“People go camping for a week or two but this does not mean they want to live in a tent for the rest of their lives…” Oh my god, that is such a perfect analogy! I love it!

Hugs,
Jennifer

Possible issue with our group at the P-Club still a fun night February 12 2011

Great blog as usual, Susan! You always capture the evening perfectly. Yet another reason that I appreciate this blog so much is that on evenings where I drink a bit too much and my memory is foggy, I can always read your blog to jog my memory! I also agree that the owner of the P-Club has no legitimate reason to ask us not to come there. We have been model patrons (well, that is if you’re not upset by your patrons dressing like girls ). My opinion – if he doesn’t like us there, he should come and say it to our faces. Then I would leave with no complaints. But unless I hear it directly from him, I wouldn’t feel right about just ceasing to go there. That’s just my two cents. Too bad the parking is so horrible in my neighborhood. There are TONS of nightspots that would LOVE our business and welcome us with open arms! Unfortunately they all have on-street parking and usually that means you’re lucky to find a spot 4 or 5 blocks from the place that you want to go to. The upside would be that there are so many places in such close proximity that we could even “bar hop” from place to place, and that might be kinda fun. But the parking situation would have to be resolved before we even think about trying some places in my neighborhood. Oh well, I have faith that it’ll all work out.

Keep up the great blogging!

Hugs,
Jennifer

Diva Las Vegas here I come February 5 2011

Well crap, there is no way that I can make Diva Las Vegas this year. Not only do I have a roller derby bout the weekend before, and a race the weekend after, but now I find out that I have to go to Hood River, Oregon for work for two and a half days in the middle of that week! I hardly ever have to travel for my job, but wouldn’t you know it that this would be the year and the week that I have to go out of town. I am DEFINITELY in for next year, though! That gives me plenty of time to schedule the time off and to shop, shop, shop for Vegas clothes. I’m bummed that I can’t make it this year, but put me down for next year for sure!

Hugs,
Jennifer

Passing in public February 2 2011

I am really shocked to read that you feel that you don’t pass, Susan! I’ve always thought of you as passing. I have shown your photo to a number of GG friends of mine and they all swear that you are a GG. As a matter of fact, I got into a heated argument with a GG friend of mine over you because she thought that I was lying to her. It wasn’t until I thought to show her your blog and website that she believed me! Then she was just shocked and kept saying how beautiful you are. Your makeup is always absolutely perfect and your eyes are gorgeous feminine eyes. I think that the eyes have a lot to do with passing. They’re not the only factor, of course, but they’re a big part. I think that you focus on what you perceive to be your flaws (we all do that). For example, you mentioned that you feel that your size has a lot to do with why you feel that you don’t pass. Well, that GG friend of mine who got into a heated argument with me over whether or not you’re a GG, is only 5’3″ and 118 lbs., and she swore up and down that you were a GG!!! So your size may only be a factor in your own mind. I know plenty of attractive GG’s that are as tall as or taller than you. I know that we all have our own definition of what “passing” is, but if you cause a big argument between two friends over the identity of your gender, then that’s passing in my book!

Hugs,
Jennifer

Shuffleboard, pool and dancing at the p-club January 29 2011

Great blog, Susan! Yes, it was a different DJ that night, and her music selection wasn’t that great. So I played with my new camera to keep myself busy. It was a great time! Enjoyed finally meeting Alice, too!

Hugs,
Jennifer

New Years eve with friends January 1 2011

Thank you so much for the compliment on the dress! As you know, you are my hero, so any compliment from you means a lot to me! I bought that dress for only $15 at an after Christmas sale at Deb at the Lloyd Center Mall. It was 75% off! It’s my new favorite dress, and it’s the least expensive one that I own! Imagine that. It was my first strapless dress, and it has inspired me, because I’ve since purchased another strapless one to wear on Valentine’s Day! I can’t wait!

Hugs,
Jennifer

Friday at the p-club January 8 2011

Yes Susan, it was a great night (from what I can remember of it)! I danced for hours, over the course of which I drank too much and paid dearly for it the next day. Oh well, I had a blast like I always do with you girls! Thank you so much again for the link to the makeup videos. I watched several of them last night. I like her style a lot, and she is very easy to watch/listen to. And you’re right, she DOES make it look easy! Thanks again and I can’t wait to see you again!

Hugs,
Jennifer

Small group at P-Club November 13 2010

Great blog! You captured the evening perfectly, Susan. And you’re correct, I DID have a great time and I could NOT stop smiling the whole time! So much fun! I can’t wait to go out again! You girls are the best!

Hugs,
Jennifer

I got there at 7:30 and they have a really small lot so found a parking spot on the street nearby. Now I am pretty comfortable walking into places as Susan but walking into a bar by yourself is always a little intimidating even for a GG (genetic girl). As I walked up I saw Rachel sitting at a table outside, actually she saw me first and came over and gave me a hug before I even got there. I guess I am a little easier to recognize from a distant.

Rachel introduced me to a couple of the people outside including Danielle, Yes this blonde can remember her name as I have met her also at the P-Club. Rachel also took me inside to show me around and introduced me to the staff and this blonde is horrible with names but all were nice and supportive of our group. I even met the owner Paul who really made me feel welcome and assured me our group was always welcome there.

Rachel, Danielle and I sat and talked and yes a lot was about the P-Club, they thought what happened to our group was wrong and were very supportive of us which is always nice to hear. I also got to know them a lot better and both are wonderful. Cristine did show up about 8:30 which was nice as I was not the only T-girl there now.

It is smaller on the inside maybe the size of the pool area at P-Club or just a little bigger. They have one pool table .50 a game and a good food selection and good prices equal to or cheaper than the P-Club. They have a small parking lot but easy street parking. A really nice friendly neighbor hood bar. They also do Karaoke on Friday nights. They have a group of about 10 to 15 girls that come every Friday for Karaoke and a few regulars they know will be there. Even some of the regulars came over and talked; now we will test my memory. Heather I think was her name came over and told me how cute my heels were and yes they were my favorite pair at least when I am not walking or standing a lot. We chatted for a few minutes and she seemed really nice and not at all bothered with us being there. Miz also came over to talk with us and told us how nice we looked; she even wished she had worn a dress after seeing us.

Cristine and I played a couple games of pool and wow tonight was not my night. I could not sink a ball to save my life so there is no need to tell you who won. A couple more of Rachel’s friends showed up, Heather and her friend Josh so of course they joined us and we had a nice conversation with them. It was a fun night and no one really gave us a second look. I would guess there were probably 25 people there last night.

Cristine left about midnight and I went and stayed about 20 minutes more talking with Heather and Rachel and thanked Rachel for letting me know about this place. On the way out several of the customers said goodbye and hoped they would see me back again. Even the owner thanked me for coming and again assured me our group was more than welcome to come there.

It was a nice fun evening.

Well I should have a little more time this next week for Susan so hopefully I will be able to blog a little more. Thanks for reading.

Well one of the attorney’s Beth Allen contacted Cassandra and wanted her to call her and talk to her about it which Cassandra did; she got a free half our phone interview. From this interview Beth Allen believed the Chris Penner violated the law as well as our right under discrimination laws and offered to represent us on contingency. She wanted to meet with Cassandra and a few others that were there on a regular basis. Cassandra said she would talk to a few that were there every week and get back to her. Any way Cassandra met with me, Victoria, Chris and Cristine on Wednesday July 11 at the Rainbow Room to get our opinions and to talk about if we should go forward or not and what kind of issues we might have. We all talked for over an hour and most of the discussion was on reasons we shouldn’t and what might happen or go wrong, mainly being outed for us and possibly members of the group as our group is the main concern. After all the discussion the group came to the conclusion what Chris Penner did was wrong and to keep this from happening at other places we may wish to go we needed to at least meet with Beth Allen and talk with her face to face and get our questions answered so Cassandra set up a meeting with the 5 of us and her on August 1 at her office. Mind you we still had not said yes or no we just had questions that needed being answered and all of us were in total agreement.

Now Beth Allen contacted the Oregon Bureau of Labor and Industries also known as BOLI to get some information on this and how to proceed. BOLI is the state agency who investigates among other things civil rights violations. Now normally how it works is you file a complaint with BOLI and they investigate, if they find that you have a valid complaint they will file the complaint for the persons making the claim in that persons name. Any way from the information they got from Beth’s questions and the YouTube video they contacted Beth Allen and asked to meet with her and the 5 of us on Wednesday July 25^th at 3 pm so Beth contacted Cassandra and asked to move our meeting up one week. So this is how we got to my interesting Wednesday afternoon, going downtown Portland in at 2 pm as Susan to meet with an Attorney and a representative for BOLI.

Now this was going to be a fast day as I got off work at 12 and it takes me ½ hour to get home and I need ½ hour to get back downtown Portland to Beth Allen’s office and that is if there is no traffic issues which left little time to get ready so I laid all my stuff out the night before. Turns out traffic was light and I was home by 12:30 and all ready to leave by 1:15 which I think is a personal record for Susan getting ready, shower, shave, makeup, cloths, jewelry and nails and I still looked pretty. Well I drove downtown and only hit a little traffic but easily made it. There is a parking garage about a block away. Now walking downtown on a nice warm day is really nice and there were so many people out. I met Chris out front of the office building about 1:45 and could see Cassandra and Cristine walk up the street so we waited for them and all went inside together. Pretty good timing so far. When the elevator opened we found Victoria who had parked in the garage under the building riding up so all 5 of us went up together. Peggy Cassandra’s wife was already in the office waiting for us.

We met with Beth Allen and her law clerk for about an hour and got to ask all kinds of questions and she told us a little about BOLI and how they wanted to proceed. Our biggest question about privacy for our group members and possibilities of being outed in public were answered and Beth assured us that was not an issue. Only those willing to be involved in the case and giving their names would be involved and the rest of the group would not be involved at all. With our questions answered we were all feeling better about this. Now it was almost 3 and we were already to meet with the representative of BOLI and answer their questions.

Now it was not one representative from BOLI but 4, an Administrator and 3 investigators so now the 6 of us were in an office with Beth Allen, her law clerk and 4 state officials from BOLI. Now to the funny part, they really didn’t have a lot of questions for us but rather told us what they wanted to do. Seems they have already started checking into Chris Penner and the P-Club. Turns out the Commissioner of BOLI feels pretty strong about this case, so much so that he wants to file the complaint in his name, he would be the plaintiff and we would be secondary, basically witnesses. Turns out the voice mail he left where he singled out us as tyranny’s they feel is incredibly strong evidence. They are actually ready to start the process all they need is a few of us which is different then what we thought. They are coming to us.

Anyway we talked with them for over an hour and a half again asking a lot of the same questions we asked Beth as I said our group is the main concern and we want to protect it above all else. Again they told us the same thing; it would only be those who were willing to be witnesses and be involved in the case, everyone else in the group would not be involved in any way.

Now mind you the goal we all have is to tell Chris Penner and any other business out there that they cannot discriminate against transgender people, be it transsexuals, t-girls, or crossdressers. Now we realize BOLI can and will probably place a fine on him as in anything you get people’s attention when you hit them in the pocket book. We are not out to bankrupt him or put him out of business as we really do like the employee’s there as they treated us so great for the two years we went there. But like I said this type of action against transgender people cannot be tolerated so we all decided as a group we should go forward. With that all that was left were to sign onto the complaint.

Now Victoria and Cristine are full time and have legally changed their name so they were the first to Sign. Chris who is a supporter of the transgender community and most of those who know him know this also signed. Cassandra also signed, she is not out publicly as far as both sides of her. I also signed but asked that my male name be left out unless absolutely necessary as I still have kept both sides separate. Now I know that even doing it this way there is a good chance I could be outed but I feel this is worth it as discrimination is wrong in any sense and I guess I am ready to stand up.

None of us knows what will happen but we are sure that there will be media coverage as these types of cases get played up in the news plus in a way that is the point. If this does not get out to the public so they know that they cannot discriminate then this is all for nothing as I said that is our goal. For Transgender people to be able to go where they want, work where they want and not be afraid of being discriminated against.

We also agreed to have Beth Allen represent us in this as our attorney which she is doing totally on contingency. It will cost us nothing. She feels that BOLI along with fines will probably ask for attorney fees to be paid, but even so she is taking this on realizing she may get nothing off of the case. That is how strong she feels about this. Turns out she does a lot of GBLT cases in Oregon and is a big supporter of this cause. From talking to her and meeting her I would highly recommend Beth Allen if you need an attorney.

It was about 4:45 when we were all done. The people from BOLI thanked us and said they would be in touch with Beth to help write the complaint and keep us up to date on the case. Seems this is the first of this type of case in Oregon. Hard to believe that just 4 or 5 years ago I was too scared to really go out of my house and now I am involved in something this big. I am still a little scared about the future and being outed but not nearly as much as I would have thought.

Well from here we all went over to Fox & Hound which I already blogged about.

This was a little longer than my normal blog but felt it needed to be to make sure I got it just right. Thanks for reading and of course I will update as I can.

I arrived about 7:15 fashionably late but still not bad considering when I got home from work. There were already lots of people out downtown as normal on warm summer days and I had to park about a block away which still is not bad plus I enjoyed the walk. Inside the Boiler room there were only a couple people, Amanda the bar tender greeted me by name which always makes you feel welcome. Chris was the only one there from our group so far so I guess I was not that late.

Chris and I talked a bit then we played a game of pool. Veronica was the next to show up, she is still in town till tomorrow so it was nice to see her out. To my surprise I won the game of pool against Chris so next I played Veronica. Again I won so that was 2 in a row and I was off to a good start. Victoria was here now so she was next up to play pool. I was on a roll and won twice against her to make 4 in a row. I could tell this was going to be a good night.

By now Cassandra, Cristine and Bobbie were all here and we once again had a good group out. Now after winning 4 games in a row it was time to play Bobbie. Yes again I won, this was my night at pool. Next up was Cristine and I was feeling pretty good. I was down to the 8 ball and as Cristine’s ball was blocking the one corner my only shot was to bank it off the rail and pull it back the whole length of the table to the opposite corner and I almost made it but it hit the edge and stopped right in front of the pocket, so close. Of course now with Cristine’s last ball right in front of one corner and the 8 in front of the other I had left her set up perfectly and of course she made both shots and won ending my streak but it was a good game.

Roxy also made it out tonight which was awesome as she is done with her schooling (Beauty school) and now should be able to get out more at least till she finds a job. Buffy and her girlfriend Scarlet also made it out. Buffy was out Wednesday night but it has been a while since I have seen Scarlet out. We had a smaller group tonight about 10 to 12 but still pretty good when you think back a couple years when we were thrilled to have 6 or more out at once.

At 9 they started to do Karaoke and Chris, Buffy and Scarlet all signed up to sing. I give them a lot of credit to be able to get up in front of people and sing. As much fun as that would be I just don’t have the courage. Funny just like dancing I worry what people would think of my singing or dancing ability and what would they think and yet I am totally fine with dressing as Susan and going out and never worry what others think about that. Funny what we worry about.

It was probably about 10 when they really started to get busy, guess people just waited till it started to cool off before going out. some of the people who sang were really good and others not so much well maybe a few were really bad but they still were willing to do it so no matter how bad they were at least they gave it a try.

There was also a group of girls there, it was ones Bachelorette party. Her name was Betsy, yes they were all wearing shirts that said Betsy so not hard to figure out but Roxy and I talked with them for a while. She is getting married this week and they were all out for a fun night. There was maybe 12 in there group and we had a nice chat.

Now one of the fun things about being downtown is that the girls at these clubs all seem to dress up. Most wear dresses or skirts and heels which is different from the P-club. The girls all look so beautiful and it is funny as we tend to notice their outfits first and how they would look on us before we notice how cute they are. This is the big drawback of being out as Susan, it is kind of hard to go up and hit on a girl while one is dressed as a female. I think this is the biggest dilemma for a heterosexual crossdresser. If we find a lady we like then we have to find a way to explain our crossdressing and hope they will understand and possibly support it. If we meet them when we are female then there is still our other half, male side that we need to explain to them. Either way when we meet them they really are only meeting half of us as we really do have 2 sides to us which puts us at a little bit of a disadvantage. The other thing is as my male self I am pretty shy, strange when I think about it as I go out as Susan and believe it or not Susan is way more outgoing but she has been working on it more too. The thing is as Susan I try to take on the whole female roll which also means I tend or want others to come up to me which when you are talking about other females who are also wanting someone else to make the first move I find myself at a standoff, just some of my thoughts.

We had another awesome night out as always and I can think of no better way to end a long week then with good friends having fun. The next two weeks my male self will be really busy but hop to get out on Friday nights. Any way I will always post when ever Susan is able to get out as it really is my way of keeping a diary of my life out as Susan.

Thanks for reading.