My hobbies are vast and numerous and include stamp collecting (or at least thinking about stamp collecting) and sending myself e-mails. Lo and behold, I went to check my e-mail today and came across the following e-mail from myself:

Dear Bill,

Do you endorse any particular religion?

-Bill.

Bill,

Thanks for the e-mail. I actually don’t endorse any one particular religion. I thought about being Catholic in high school, but then I found out that only girls get to wear those cool dresses, so that idea was a no-go.

Now that I think about it, though, it seems like nowadays anyone can have their own religion. Trust me, I went to college with Buddha and if that guy can have his own religion, anybody can.

(Editor’s note: Bill didn’t actually go to college.)

I guess where I’m going with this is I’m going to start my own religion. You really only need a few things to start a religion. A creation story, a savior and the ability to be judgmental. (It also doesn’t hurt to ax a few of your followers, but all in good time, friends…all in good time.) I only have two of those things, but I suppose I could learn to be judgmental. How’s this: Dave Matthews is a terrible person who owns a blender for the sole purpose of grinding up puppies.

I’m not sure if that’s being judgmental or just libelous. I suppose learning the difference is all just part of the spiritual growth process.

But first my creation story:

“Long ago, the universe was darkness. There existed just one being in the darkness and that was Keanu Reeves. Nobody knew who Keanu Reeves was, though, because a.) he was the only person alive and b.) Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey hadn’t been released in theaters yet.

“Keanu Reeves looked upon the darkness and loneliness and decided that it was stupid that no one could see how talented of an actor he was, so he created popsicles. He ate all the popsicles and made little popsicle stick people out of them and put on little plays for all his popsicle stick people.

“But lo, the popsicle stick people eventually got tired of Keanu Reeves’ plays because most of them were just poorly done Matrix sequels. (Is there any other kind of Matrix sequel?) So the popsicle stick people stopped watching Keanu Reeves’ plays and started putting on their own little plays. But Keanu Reeves was a wrathful actor and he set all the popsicle stick people on fire and the fire eventually expanded and started the Big Bang or something like that and life was created.

“No one really knows what happened to Keanu Reeves. To this day the search continues. Sometimes, they say, when the wind blows on a clear day, you can hear the soft sounds of Keanu Reeves saying ‘Whoa.’”

I defy you to write a more awesome creation story than that.

Now that that’s out of the way, my religion needs a name. As a steadfast proponent of capitalism and the American way, I find it only logical that I sell the naming rights to my religion. I don’t want to go overboard here and make some sort of official announcement, but the people in my Church will officially be called the McDonald’s Followers of the Faith of the Big Mac. Two All-Christ Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese.

Like I said, this is far from official, but we’re currently in talks. And by “in talks” I mean I have yet to have my lawyers contact the representatives of the McDonald’s corporation. And by “I have yet to have my lawyers contact the representatives of the McDonald’s corporation” I mean I haven’t hired a lawyer. (Thanks to the miracles of copy and paste, that joke can just keep going and going.) But don’t you judge me. I believe it was the almighty Keanu Reeves who said in 1 Judgmentations 7:21, “Let he who has no sin throw the first stone.” (Go ahead Bible writers, sue me for plagiarism. I dare you. Oh wait. You can’t. You’re dead.)

By Alexander Lawrie

RENOWNED actor Joss Ackland captivated his audience when he appeared at the Edinburgh Book Festival yesterday.

Ackland, 81, was reading from his moving and poignant memoir which covers his 50-year relationship with his wife Rosemary who passed away in 2002.

After Rosemary’s death, Ackland discovered her diaries which she had been writing since the age of 15.

In the book, My Better Half and Me, Ackland guides the reader through the loving couple’s life together, including his rise from struggling actor to world-famous movie star.

Ackland CBE has appeared in over 130 movies, and is most famous for his portrayal of the author C.S. Lewis in Shadowlands.

He has also played parts in The Hunt for Red October, Lethal Weapon 2 and Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey.

The respected thespian also had a walk-on part in the Pet Shops Boys’ video for their smash hit version of ‘Always on my Mind’ in 1987.

See more of our pictures at our Flickr site and videos at our dedicated channel,  Deadline TV.

The month of July is nearing it’s final days, yet a new prick has not been chosen.  There was good reason for this brash decision.  You see, the end of last few months have been laden with celebrity deaths; TEST of the WWE, Starlog, Dave Arneson, J. G. Ballard, Bea Arthur, Dom DeLuise, David Carradine, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson just to name a few.  I can’t remember the last time this many famous folk were sent to their afterlives before the year reached its mid-point.  Because all of these famous flames have been doused, I decided to wait a while and see if any other stars would be extinguished; it didn’t take long.  The only person thing that makes sense to choose for July’s Prick of the Month is none other than the greatest prick of all time.  It goes by many names, takes many forms, and we all must face this racketeer from The River Styx at some point in our lives (normally at the end).  Raise your scythes for the man in black…Death.

From the beginning of time, Death has been collecting souls faster than Ash Catchum collects Pokemon.  He as taken Walter Cronkite, Oscar G. Mayer the hot dog/bologna king, former NFL quarterback Steve McNair, and Mollie Sugden from the British tv show Are You Being Served? (why am JUST NOW learning about this?!!).  Holy Hammer of Hephaestus!  This year sucks!

Not only is Lord Hades a major lame-wad when it comes to clustering corpses, he is a total dork and one of the sorest losers in recorded history:

Far too many people have kicked it this year, so let us take a moment to say a prayer for all of those who have moved on to the next world.  With any luck, we can amass enough power to drive that royal douche-bag back to the underworld…at least for a few months.

See ya next month.  \m/

Bragging is totally great. I am actually a big fan of the well-executed brag (especially when it’s me doing it). But there is a certain type of person who takes it too far, and they are known as “that guy”.

Don’t pretend like you don’t know who I’m talking about. It’s the guy who, no matter what you bring up, has to story-top you. If you mention homework, he tells you that he has a photographic memory. If you mention how much you hate Guitar Hero, he tells you that he can play five instruments. If you mention that you’re in hell, he informs you that he actually just beat the devil in a game of Twister last week.

"How did that man manage to beat me and practice for his career as a drummer for Slipknot and read every book ever published on the subject of Gaelic literature? How?!"

When these guys are talking, apart from concocting elaborate suicide plans, I am always kept busy wondering if they have any idea how unlikely their claims sound. I mean, if somebody tells me they have a photographic memory, I have already written them off as having an IQ somewhere between Goofy and Pluto. But if on top of that you tell me that you are a concert pianist and fully certified to perform CPR underwater during a tornado, I start knitting a noose out of lint.

Don’t be “that guy”. I’d rather entertain you with the plenty of factual evidence of my genius and beauty.

NV/R,

Margo

Nothing Sacred is a new Horror/Fantasy film by writer/directors Dylan Bank and Morgan Pehme.  The film synopsis is: To avenge their mother’s death, a pair of twins must kill their father before he can become immortal.

The special effects in the film help to move the plot along.  I especially liked a scene in which a creepy puppet seems to come to life and another involving a woman being possessed by a snake spirit. 

Makeup Special Effects artist Anthony Pepe worked on this film and did a great job!  Filmed on location throughout the United States, France, and Belgium, was released in both English and French versions.

The film stars French box-office sensation Thierry Lhermitte (The Dinner Game, French Fried Vacation), Philippe Nahon, the star of High Tension, and famed scream queen Debbie Rochon (Terror Firmer), alongside newcomers Alan Barnes Netherton and Naama Kates. Actor William Sadler is cast as the film’s villian.  Sadler is known for his roles in such films as Die Hard 2, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey and The Shawshank Redemption.

http://www.nothingsacredmovie.com/

I adore top ten lists. Movies, restaurants, actors, bags, blogs, MBA schools whatever - if you’ve ranked it, I’ve probably read it..and left a comment about how wrong you were and how fendi has no place on any classic bag list, you logo whore, you. I love how tight lists are – how they force you to be more discriminating (tila tequila or flava flav?), use your choices wisely (how can i leave emoshanal atyachar off a best song of 09 list? how can i leave emoshanal atyachar *on* a best song of 09 list?) and come up with well-researched supporting arguments for your opinions (of course the dark knight is one of the year’s best movies – poor Heath *died* while making it. have you no heart?).

So that being said, here’s part one of the top ten list of movies I feel compelled to watch *every* single time they come on TV.

Bugger off before I eat you

1. Jurassic Park (only the first one)

Dinosaurs come alive and there are quasi-scientific explanations for it? Sign me up! Paleontologist Alan Grant wears a silly hat and I wish those damn kids were eaten by the door-opening velociraptors and Laura Dern never gets eaten at all even though she’s fully bleeding and limping on one leg through half the movie. But apart from these little glitches, I have to say, this is the *best* movie for repeat viewing. Why? Did I not mention the dinosaurs? Also, Jeff Goldblum explains Chaos Theory in like, 30 seconds. And a dinosaur spits in a fat guy’s eye and then eats him. Enough said.

2. While You Were Sleeping

 Sandra Bullock is plain (oh, just go with it). She’s lonely. She’s underpaid and in a shitty job. She yearns after a hot guy who doesn’t know she exists. Are there any Twilight readers out there who do NOT identify with this? Sandy falls in love with her imaginary boyfriend’s family – and they love her back! She falls in love with his quiet – but hot – brother who has Integrity. ZOMG, he likes her back too!  But what about her imaginary boyfriend and their imaginary love?  Damn you, studio movies, you know your demographic and I am clearly it.

3. Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey

Aah…a classic. Air guitar. Lots of ‘Whoas!’ and  ’Excellent, dudes!’ Oh, and Keanu playing Twister with the Grim Reaper. It’s also the first*  time that Keanu’s patented ‘Huh?’ look is revealed to the world. It will serve him well in the Matrixes and Constantine and Point Break (vaya con dios, buddy. vaya con dios). Later, baffled critics unable to understand how he has a career will call him inscrutable. But here, he’s just the dude who knows the words to ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn’ and is therefore able to outwit Death. Most excellent.

*I’m thinking of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and this movie as one awesome piece of work.

4. The Birdcage

Hi, Nathan Lane, learning how to ’schmear’ butter and walk ridiculously. Hola, houseboy Egador Spartacus in teeny shorts and serious stilettoes learning how to fall ridiculously. Nice to see you, Gene Hackman – playing the straight man and the straight man – and hello, Calista Flockhart before you became Ally McBeal and annoying. Every single cliche about gay people ticked off on a list? Yup. Still funny as hell? Yup. 

5. The Departed

R was watching this out of the corner of his eye while I was having a very serious conversation with him. I poured out all my angst about my work problems and my boss and why it’s tough to make these decisions and I don’t know what to do now and he nodded understandingly. I said “You’re such a good listener.” And he nodded understandingly. I said “Are you watching TV?” And he nodded understandingly. Onscreen, a coworker said to Mark Wahlberg’s cop after Wahlberg roughed him up: “Who the fuck are you?” Wahlberg: “I’m the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.” And R got up and cheered. So I sat with him and watched the rest of the movie. It’s good – Leo’s so angry! so nervy! so on edge! so on the brink of losing it completely! that it brings back memories of watching my fifth standard maths teacher trying to get the answer to 9 times 7 from us. Matt Damon is smooth. Also evil and kinda hot (must be the way he keeps saying ‘the depahted’). Jack Nicholson’s a ham but then I like ham . For a wtf 15 seconds,  he briefly impersonates a rat. And oh, the music – who would’ve thought comfortably numb could be such a great make-out song? – and the random acts of unrepentant violence. Fun!

Is this a dream? A fantasy? Bill & Ted double feature plus Q&A with the screenwriter. Where do I start?  Did Beethoven file a wrongful arrest suit against that mall? What ever happened to that Ted guy and does he now hate Keanu for his success? Or, here’s a terrific question from blunderful_k on IMDB.com

Why would Rufus need to go back in time to help them with their history project when the future was already perfect? If the future is amazing and wonderful, how would he have figured out that they were in danger of never forming a band?

For Real. I call time-travel BS on that plot element, Mr. Screenwriter. You better have a good answer.

Information from 5th Ave. Cinema:

A VERY SPECIAL DOUBLE FEATURE OF
Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure AND Bill And Ted’s Bogus Journey

(1989 Stephen Herek & 1991 Peter Hewitt)

*****Co-Screenwriter of both films, Chris Matheson, in attendance for Q&A at intermission during Friday’s screening ONLY*****

WHEN:     October 17th & 18th at 7 and 9:30pm
WHERE:    5th Ave Cinema, 510 SW Hall St. Portland, OR 97201 @ PSU
ADMISSION:  Free for PSU Students, Faculty and Staff with ID; $2 for
Other Students, Seniors and Children; $3 General Admission

Synopsis: BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE

With only a few days before their high-school graduation, it looks like airheaded rock star wannabes Bill (Alex Winter) and Ted (Keanu Reeves) are doomed to flunk all their finals. The boys’ long-suffering teacher gives them one more chance. If they can ace an oral exam on the topic of how a famous historical personality might react to modern times, they will be allowed to pass. If not, Ted’s dad will plunk the boy into military school, thereby breaking up the boys’ garage band permanently. Bill and Ted receive unexpected aid from a very unexpected source: Rufus (George Carlin), an Emissary from the Future. It seems that in Rufus’ time, Bill and Ted’s rock music is the basis of all society-and if their band is aborted, Rufus’ world will no longer exist. Thus, Bill and Ted are whisked off in a time machine (actually a telephone booth) to retrieve a few historical characters–including Joan of Arc, Abe Lincoln, Napoleon and Beethoven–as “eyewitnesses” for their crucial oral exam. An instant classic!

BILL AND TED’S BOGUS JOURNEY

Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, the sequel to 1989’s Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, find the two obtuse pals battling The Grim Reaper, God, robots, great philosophical questions, and girls — although not necessarily in that order. In this loose parody of the Terminator movies, directed by Peter Hewitt, the ultimate has happened — at Bill and Ted University of the future, for many years now the people of the world have been “excellent to each other.” But fed-up with Bill and Ted’s peaceful world and even more fed up with heavy metal, the evil De Nomolos (Joss Ackland) decides to do something about it. De Nomolos creates a cyborg Bill and Ted, who travel back in time to kill the original Bill and Ted, win the Battle of the Bands and pave the way for the hellish reign of De Nomolos. In the past of 1990, Bill and Ted are immediately dispatched by the time-traveling cyborgs. And while the cyborgs Bill and Ted make time with the real Bill and Ted’s girls and prepare to take the real Bill and Ted’s place in the Battle of the Bands, Bill and Ted are forced to deal with Hell (“Just like an Iron Maiden album cover”), the Grim Reaper (William Sadler), and God himself. When Bill and Ted are asked the secret of the universe, they get it right and as a reward a pair of Martians construct a set of “good” Bill and Ted robots to go head-to-head with the “bad” Bill and Ted robots at the Battle of the Bands.

—The New York Times

FORMAT:  35mm Film
RUNTIME:  90 & 93 mins

Totally non, non, non, non heinous. Not. 8/10

Buy it

The Celtics, after losing the game prior, were feeling pretty down, that is, until they watched Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey and realized who they were missing. STATION! The team’s missing link has been found! Sam Cassell and this trainer guy will form together an unstoppable titan.

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