(This review will not try to avoid spoilers, so SPOILER WARNING if you haven’t seen Titanic, which is to say, if you do not live on planet Earth)

A successful story, in any storytelling media, is not the same as a good story. “Twilight” is undeniably a successful novel. Three chapters in, I wanted to cut my carotid open. “Transformers” is an undeniably successful film. And it’s also a badly-directed, over-cut, loud and stupid piece of shit.

It had been a while since I’ve watched “Titanic”. Hell, I think I was a teenager last time I did, and I was only seven years old when the movie was released to overwhelming success. I would watch it years later. My young impressions of the film were very positive, but I’m not the person I was years ago (thankfully), so I decided to watch it again to determine whether or not, from my point of view, this film deserved the success it got. And also because I’ve been hearing a lot of people say, “I don’t like Titanic” or using the film as proof that James Cameron’s next project, “Avatar”, will suck.

The verdict is that, once again, James Cameron’s film immersed me completely in its admittedly conventional but incredibly compelling love story, which is vital in creating a connection between the viewer and the death of 1500 people in the real life tragedy of the Titanic. Fuck yes it deserved the success it got. It’s a painstakingly researched, passionately crafted film, with the dedication of Cameron and his crew displayed in every frame. It’s also surprisingly humorous, achieving an amazing emotional balance, something made much more challenging by the sheer scale of the story.

It’s pretty much futile to complain about the unidimensional nature of some of the characters, because that was the point. One thing I love about this film is how relentlessly it satirizes aristocracy, and to achieve this effect, it’s no wonder Rose’s family are absurdly stuck-up and snotty. This leads to several priceless moments throughout the film, and makes the contrast between Jack and them (when they’re all sitting on the same dinner table) even stronger. And let’s not forget: we’re hearing the story from Rose herself, and I doubt her impression of these characters stretched beyond “what a bunch of cunts”.

And even though the premise of the movie’s core romance is conventional (poor boy, rich girl, etc. etc.), Cameron avoids cliches when developing the actual romance itself. Jack and Rose’s chemistry always rings true, because it makes perfect sense. She’s a rebellious aristocrat, feeling trapped in a predictable life — as she herself puts it, “I saw my whole life as if I had already lived it.” And he is a smart and adventurous man, the one person in her life who seems to truly care about her — something established right when they first meet, when Rose is about to commit suicide, and he threatens that if she jumps from the ship, he will “have to” jump in after her.

Always a brilliant storyteller, Cameron avoids melodrama by constantly balancing the dramatic and romantic scenes with humorous moments that hit the mark, even (and especially) during the sinking of the “Titanic”. One of the best of these moments is when Rose needs to break Jack’s handcuffs with an axe, and he asks her to rehearse it on an object first, with disastrous results.

Equally important was holding composer James Horner back — and keep in mind this is an unfair statement, since for all I know Horner held himself back of his own accord. But really, all you need to do is watch “Glory”, directed by Edward Zwick, to see how ridiculously melodramatic the otherwise talented Horner can be. In “Titanic”, however, the music is used to perfection. Whenever a scene needs the famous score, it’s there, never overdone. Whenever the scene needs to work solely on dialogue and sound effects, the music disappears — which is particularly important on scenes with romantic dialogue, where music would have been excessively emotional.

After one hour and a half establishing Jack and Rose’s relationship and other interesting characters like (the real-life) Unsinkable Molly Brown, the sinking of the Titanic begins. This sequence, well over one hour long, has always fascinated me for its magnificence. From the impeccable editing to the amazing special effects, it’s impressive and emotionally wrenching thanks mainly to Jack and Rose, who work as a way of immersing the viewer into the film to the point where you truly feel every death onscreen, and you honestly care about the crew’s survival as well as Jack and Rose’s.

Which is why, proving his competence for the umpteenth time, Cameron never spares the viewer, filming every death in appaling and relentless detail, never turning his camera away even when portraying the death of children (something particularly disturbing when one of the frozen bodies the rescue boat finds is of a woman with a dead baby on her arms).

(Cameron does slip in his portrayal of the real-life William Murdoch, though — on the film, he commits suicide after killing two desperate passengers with a pistol. This is entirely ficticious (although it can’t be proved it didn’t happen — or that it did) and the Murdoch family wasn’t happy about it.)

As the director, James Cameron not only does an amazing technical job (building an almost full-size replica of the Titanic definitely paid off onscreen), he invests heavily in the story he’s telling, especially in some beautifully nostalgic shots when a camera travels through the sunken wreck of the Titanic and dissolves, without interrupting the camera movement, back to 1912, showing the same location brightly lit and full of passengers. Cameron saves the best of these shots to the very last scene, which, without a single word being said, portrays Rose’s life after the Titanic in a continuous, fluid and perfect camera movement. Cameron is aided by the convincing recreation of the time period and by the amazing cinematography, which is especially impressive when the Titanic’s lights switch off as it sinks, and the lighting manages to convey the darkness without becoming unclear or losing its aesthetic beauty.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet have exceptional chemistry, also being utterly convincing in their respective roles — there is a moment when Winslet’s character sees a rich little girl, sitting near her, being taught etiquette by her mother. Winslet manages to make it clear that she’s seeing herself in that little girl only with a terrified, but subtle look in her eyes. And Leonardo DiCaprio, in an early display of his now proven talent, refuses to rely on his then-boyish looks, using his charisma and impeccable comic timing to turn Jack into an excellent character. I particularly like the look on his face when Rose takes her clothes off in front of him, and the way he shakes, nervously, after sex — a brilliant and subtle touch. The rest of the cast, from the captivating Kathy Bates (as Unsinkable Molly), to the heartfelt Gloria Stuart (as the older Rose) and the arrogant Billy Zane (as Caledon Hockley) are, as a whole, convincing and competent.

In fact, Jack seems to be based on none other than his creator, James Cameron himself — it’s no wonder that all the drawings in Jack’s book were actually drawn by Cameron, an exceptionally talented artist, and that on the scene Jack draws Rose, it’s Cameron’s hands drawing her, not DiCaprio’s — not to mention Jack has the same adventurous spirit Cameron had when younger, and still has to this day (just try telling Cameron he can’t do something — everyone said “Titanic” would be a disaster, prior to its release).

So honestly? “Titanic” is a classic. I’m happy to see that, as I near my twenty-somethings, this movie hasn’t lost its heart, at least for me. In fact, after more than a year reviewing movies (which made me more observant and nitpicky), it’s even more satisfying that I didn’t really find anything significant to dislike in “Titanic” — it simply works. It more than succeeds in its emotional and dramatic goals.

Let me put it this way: in most disaster movies I see, I care more about the main characters (or, when watching a Roland Emmerich movie, no-one at all) than everyone else. I rarely think of the thousands who died in the background, only about the main group that mostly makes it to safety.

And the reason I truly love “Titanic” is that it makes me feel the weight of the catastrophe as a whole, providing a rich and satisfying cinematic experience.

So yeah, since his career truly started (with “The Terminator”, since his actual first film was “Piranhas 2″), James Cameron, always a dedicated innovator and brilliant storyteller, hasn’t yet disappointed me.

The sweater, the finger, the director of "Darfur"

Known and disdained for his beyond-bad video game adaptations, director Uwe Boll has decided to use his cinematic powers for good. Which might not work out well, considering how inept he is. Nonetheless, production has wrapped on Boll’s Darfur, a film about the conflict in Sudan starring Edward Furlong and Kristanna Loken of Terminator franchise fame, and also Billy Zane, who I last remember as the villain in Titanic. No, not the iceberg, smartass. The bald dude.

I’m trying not to make fun, because genocide isn’t all that funny — and I’d like to believe that maybe Boll is a talented, sensitive director at heart who got caught up in the easy money that comes with Hollywood hackery — but the trailer is out and I watched it and it contains a spelling error (“existance”). Which is fine, I make typos all the time all over this blog, but that combined with this story from Cinematical about Boll using actual refugees to recreate their own rape experiences? Something tells me even this slow-and-serious change of pace won’t help Boll’s flaccid Rotten Tomatoes ratings.

Peter Hall reports:

Now it would be easy to not take the film seriously given who is involved, but I can attest that there was genuine frustration in Boll’s voice when he talked about tackling the material. However, the credibility he earned by showing a more noble side than one normally sees in his filmography quickly took a nose dive as Boll explained he used actual Darfur refugees in making the film. That sounds no alarms at first, but he further explained that he had actual rape victims in his cast, victims who were asked to re-enact their rape on camera; because that kind of ‘honesty’ was the only way he could capture how dire the situation is.

Right, because the best thing for refugees is to have a B-movie director not only recreate, but reinforce their identity of victimhood. Also, he talks about ‘honesty’ as if he has never seen or heard of a ‘documentary’. Which in all fairness, might be true. Actually, there’s so much wrong with the ‘honesty’ comment (paraphrased, I know) I don’t even want to try to unpack it. Of course, it’s not like Boll can force any actor in his films to do anything against their will, but shit guys, you ever think that maybe he can? I can’t imagine that anybody — Ben Kingsley? Michael Madsen? — was a willing participant in Bloodrayne. Or it’s sequel. Or it’s third installment, currently in production. I’m just saying, I hope you never find yourself on this guy’s casting couch. Who knows what kind of shit movie role he’ll talk you into.

To end, let us count the ways of Boll:

1. Boll’s highest rated film on Rotten Tomatoes is Blackwoods, clocking in at 11 per cent.
2. All four of Boll’s video game-based movies appear on IMDb’s Bottom 100 list.
3. Boll’s average IMDb rating is 2.44 (on a scale of 10).
4. Boll is a multiple Razzie-winner, Worst Director natch.
5. Boll challenged his worst critics to  “put up or shut up” boxing matches.
6. And he plans to use those boxing matches as scenes in a future movie. (You believe me now?)

(via)

Much of LA becomes consumed with the buying and selling of features this week as 8000 gather at the American Film Market which kicks off W 11/4 and runs through W 11/11 concurrently with AFI Fest. Ground zero is the Loews Santa Monica Beach Hotel where 400 distributors are getting ready to rumble.  As the distributors are there to sell, the first half of AFM belongs mostly to the buyers.  You need a full market badge ($895) for access to the upper floors during this time, but its free to linger to the lobby and lounge by the pool putting together target lists which many do in prep for half badge face time ($345) starting Su 11/8.  Day badges $275.  To see the market in action check out these videos from Film Specific’s Stacey Parks, UpsideDownTV’s Johnny Neurotic and Variety’s Michael Jones.

Here is the list of IFTA members where you can dig deep for contact information, slate and budgets. You can also pick up free in the Loews lobby the AFM directory in the bumper copies of Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, Screen International and The Business of Film.

On the Variety & THR list of AFM targets are Akin Gump ($600mm for 60 films), Endgame (3-5@$10-40mm), Exclusive Media ($100mm for 2-3 films), Incentive Filmed Entertainment ($100mm for 10@$15mm each), Liddell (3-4 films@$5-20mm each), Magnet Media (Jeanette Buerling & Magie Monteith), Natural Selection ($100mm for 20 films@ $5mm+ each), Overnight Prods (3@$10-40mm), Sheppard Mullin ($65mm), Social Capital (2-3@$2-20mm each), Stroock Stroock ($5-100mm), Tic Tock (2-3 films@$10mm each), WestEnd Films (Maya Amsellem & Eve Schoukroun), Winchester Capital (3-4 films@$10-40mm each), plus those in bold above.

Some are speaking at the AFM seminars:

F 11/6 9-12:30
AFM Finance Conference
with Media Rights Capital, Hyde Park Entertainment, NatGeo..
Fairmont Miramar, 101 Wilshire
2008 Videos

F 11/6 4-5:30
FILMART/HK Co-Production Partners
with Screen International, Distribution Workshop, Imagi Studios
Le Merigot, 1740 Ocean
2008 Videos

Sa 11/7 9-12:30
Pitch Me!
Producers for Bee Season, Capote, Nurse Betty
Fairmont Miramar, 101 Wilshire

Sa 11/7 9:15-5:30
Distribution U
9:15 Breakfast/Introductions
10:15 Fans, Friends, Followers – Scott Kirsner
11:15, Break
11:30, New World of Distribution I – Peter Broderick
12:30, Lunch with Adam Chapnick, Distribber.com, Thomas Mai, Festival Darlings, Jon Reiss, Thinking Outside of the Box (Office), Adrian Belic, Beyond the Call, Genghis Blues, Justine Jacob, Ready Set Bag
2, New World of Distribution II – Peter Broderick
3, Case Studies/Anvil!, Good Dick
4, Booksigning/Thinking Outside the Box (Office)
4:15-5:30, Pitch Workshop
USC, Davidson Conference Center, 3415 South Figueroa

Sa 11/7 2-5:30
Produce and Sell Your Film with Dov S-S Simens
Topics include: Theatrical Deal Memo Points, 7 Major Revenue Sources, Profit Participation Scenarios, Cable/TV/DVD Licenses, Publicity & Festivals, On-Demand vs PPV, Global Revenues, Foreign Sales, Private Placements, Investor Offerings, Gross vs Net, Split Rights & 50-50 Deals, Production-Distribution Agreements, plus Producer’s Workbook/Directory
Fairmont Miramar, 101 Wilshire

Su 11/8 11-12:30
Changing Indie Distribution Strategies
Ted Mundorff, Landmark Theatres, Jon Reiss, Think Outside the Box (Office)…
Le Merigot, 1740 Ocean

Su 11/8 2-3:30
DIY Distribution Playbook
with Adam Chapnick, Distribber.com, Matt Tyrnauer, Valentino, Sacha Gervasi, Anvil!, Scott Hamilton Kennedy, The Garden, Lisa Smithline, Trouble The Waters
Le Merigot, 1740 Ocean
2008 Videos

Su 11/8 4-5:30
SAG/A Filmmaker’s Resource
Le Merigot, 1740 Ocean

M 11/9 11-12:30pm
WGA/Writing for the Genre World
Mick Garris, Larry Cohen, Juliet Snowden, Stiles White, Stephen Susco
Le Merigot, 1740 Ocean

M 11/9 2-3:30
DGA/Online Piracy
Brad Beutlich, DtecNet, Darcy Antonellis, Warner, Jonathan Dayton, Little Miss Sunshine, Andrew Horton, Mark Monitor, Alann McNeil, Deluxe’s Web Watch
Le Merigot, 1740 Ocean

M 11/9 4-5:30
PGA/Package and Finance Indies Oversees
Aurora Productions, Akin Gump, Endgame Entertainment, The Film Department, Paradigm
Le Merigot, 1740 Ocean

Tu 11/10 11-12:30
Indie Marketing with Ondi Timoner, We Live In Public…
Le Merigot, 1740 Ocean

Tu 11/10 2-3:30
WIF/New Hollywood Movie Studio & Social Networking
Le Merigot, 1740 Ocean

Tu 11/10 4-5:30
ASC/Film or Digital
Le Merigot, 1740 Ocean

Sa 11/7 – Tu 11/10 9:30-5
Favorite Film Pitch
Le Merigot, 1740 Ocean

For newbies, there are AFM first-timers guides on working the market at:
IFTA , FilmSpecific, and IndieGoGo.

As for AFM Hotels, many were booked by 10/2 but feel free to try:
- Georgian, 1415 Ocean 90401 ($242-384) 310-395-9945
- Ocean View Hotel, 1447 Ocean 90401 ($224-272) 310-458-4888
- Hotel California, 1670 Ocean 90401 ($260,299+) 310-393-2363
- Hotel Shangrila, 1301 Ocean 90401 ($319-489) 310-394-2791
- Le Merigot Marriott, 1740 Ocean 90401 ($365+) 310-395-9700
- Viceroy, 1819 Ocean 90401 ($348+) 310-260-7500
- Fairmont Miramar, 101 Wilshire 90401 ($324+) 310-576-7777
- Hotel Casa del Mar, 1910 Ocean 90405 ($459+) 310-581-5533
- Sheraton Delfina, 530 Pico 90405 ($267-320) 310-399-9344
- Doubletree, 1707 4th 90401 ($270-$282) 310-395-3332
- Holiday Inn, 120 Colorado 90401 ($248-258) 310-451-0676
- Hotel Carmel, 201 Broadway 90401 ($175-232) 310-451-2469
- Ambrose, 1255 20th Street 90404 ($192-227) 310-315-1555
- Best Western, 1920 Santa Monica Blvd 90404 ($170) 310-829-9100
- Shutters, One Pico 90405 ($575+) 310-458-0030
- Huntley, 1111 Second, 90403 ($350) 310-394-5454
*There is a shuttle for the AFM hotels, parking lots and screenings.

Film Catalogue/445 screenings, 73 premieres including:
- American Sunset (Global Universal) – Corey Haim, Frank Molina
- Blue Seduction (Global Universal Pictures) – Estella Warren*
- Bobby Fischer Live (Amadeus)
- Chloe (StudioCanal, budget $10-25mm) – Julianne Moore
- Dorian Gray (Ealing Studios, budget $10-25mm) – Colin Firth
- From Time to Time (Ealing Studios, budget $5-10m) – Maggie Smith
- Get Low (K5) – Bill Murray
- Glorious 39 (The Works International) – Julie Christie
- Harry Brown (HanWay) – Michael Caine
- Hawaii A Voice For Sovereignty (ITN)
- Junkyard Dog (Epic) – Vivica Fox**
- Kill Speed (Epic) – Nick Carter, Tom Arnold**
- Life During Wartime (Fortissimo) – Ally Sheedy & Paul Reubens
- Love & Other Impossible Pursuits (Essential Ent) – Natalie Portman
- Mama I Want to Sing! (Vision Films) – Ciara & Billy Zane
- Mao’s Last Dancer (Celluloid Dreams) – Kyle MacLachlan, Joan Cheng
- Rounds (Global Universal) – Billy Drago, Mark Attenza
- Saint John of Las Vegas (E1) – Sarah Silverman & Steve Buscemi
- Snowmen (MPower) – Ray Liotta, Christopher Lloyd
- Stay Cool (American Cinema) – Wynona Ryder, Hilary Duff
- The Making of Plus One (New Films) film market wheeling and dealing
- The Meaning of the 21st Century (WWFilmEnt, bud $3-5m) – Michael Douglas
- The Next Three Days (Mandate Intl) – Russell Crowe
*no screening, ** got picked up by Independent Feature Films

And more:
- AFI Fest - free tx to screenings, red carpet events, details here
- IBM/USC Imagine The World in 2050 invite-only event
- TromaDance Film Festival press conference
- 8th Samurai screening at the Consul General of Japan

Events that recap AFM:
- 12/1 Distribution U, San Francisco
- 12/8 DMW/Variety’s Future of Film, Sheraton Delfina

I was very upset to hear that this wasn’t a film based on Danny Phantom.

In 1930s New York City, the purple-clad Phantom’s longtime effort to crush a culture of evil pits him — and his dashing alter ego, Kit Walker (Billy Zane) — against megalomaniacal villain Xander Drax (played by Treat Williams).

I have never really heard about the comic books that this film is based on, and to be truly honest I was kind of interested in reading them before I saw this movie. Now, i don’t think I need to read them at all.

The comic books are made from the 30’s and I liked how the film stayed close to the old look, rather than having it all modernized and changed up for the modern audience.

The real big problem I had with this film however, is that it’s script is really god awful. The lines in this film are so cliched and cheesy that I don’t know if they were intentional or not but I really did laugh my ass off by the stupidity of these little lines.

Also, another problem I found with The Phantom was that it’s story wasn’t different from any other superhero film, and when the action wasn’t happening I felt the film dragged on for a bit too long. The story gets weaker and weaker as it goes on, and when the film’s all said and done with you will probably forget about the story itself.

The action scenes in this film really are it’s high points. There are no use of CGI, and all of the action fighting stunts look real. When The Phantom falls and hits the ground, he looks like he hit the ground and is affected, and you don’t feel like he has that sense of cat-lives one bit.

The colors in this film make this film even better to look at. The blending of a lot of bright colors make this film very astonishing and it keeps your attention as you watch on, and adds a little more to the action scenes.

I can really tell that Billy Zane is really trying his hardest with this character but nothing good can really come out. The poor script has his character delivering cheesy lines beyond belief, and never really giving us a real look of who is the man behind the mask. The supporting cast is really well done and I found them to be sometimes more interesting than The Phantom himself.

Consensus: The Phantom is very nice to look at, but starts to overcome itself with a horrible script and a not so interesting plot when the action wasn’t going down.

5.5/10=Rentalll!!

Recently, I saw this documentary on Titanic. The reason I watched was because I have an interest in the Titanic. Anyway, that made me think. Why is there a lot of interest in the Titanic in the first place? I think that it’s mostly because of the tragedy behind it. So many people could have been saved if more people were put into the lifeboats in the beginning. Anyway, in all of my readings on the Titanic, the thing that I found the most interesting was the novella, Futility, written by Morgan Robertson. The similarities between the Titanic and the novella are so interesting. Anyway, that’s just I think.

Critters

Dad’s been shredded, Mom’s got a harpoon in her neck and they just keep getting bigger!

In the beginning, there was Gremlins, a top rate family movie about little monsters. It hit a perfect mix of thrills and laughs and is regarded, rightly, as a classic.

Gremlins spawned an excellent sequel and a host of generally shitty imitators (I’m looking at you, Ghoulies). Critters is the best of them, and is a damned good little film in its own right. Hilariously, Dominic Muir, the writer and Stephen Herek, the director, now claim that they had written it years before Gremlins, but had to drastically rewrite it to remove similarities. Bullshit, says I, but I couldn’t care less. There’s no shame in a rip-off, provided that it doesn’t suck. You only have to be embarrassed if you cynically aim at a cash-in, fuck it up completely and drop a turd like Quigley Down Under.

Let me tell you a story about a young, devilishly handsome, prodigiously talented lad growing up in a grim provincial city in the 1980’s. Our erstwhile protagonist had somewhat hopeless parents, who lacked a basic understanding of either video technology or censorship. One evening his parents went out for dinner leaving the 8-year-old hero in the care of buxom teenage babysitter that would be a certain corpse in a slasher movie. Within moments of the front door closing said large breasted babysitter’s sleazy boyfriend turned up with a six-pack of beer. Babysitter despatches our hero to another room to watch a film so that she can be impregnated by douchebag and confirm her status on the bottom rung of the socio-economic ladder. And what was the film? Critters.

This film has always held a special place in my heart since traumatising me as an 8 year old. There’s nothing like watching a film about ravenous Velcro basketball like monsters to the gentle accompaniment of a nasty peroxide sticky-permed slut making noises like a seal being harpooned, as a result I hadn’t watched it again until yesterday, and I’m ecstatic to report that it still stands up.

The usual quick plot summary: Alien (Crites) species breaks out of prison, hijacks ship and heads to earth. Predictably, they land in small town in the ass-end of nowhere near a dilapidated farm. Bounty hunters wreck town looking for them, Crites terrorise family, carnage and hilarity ensue. Bounty hunters ride to the rescue; farm is destroyed, before being rebuilt.

I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of this film. I usually watch these with my Irony dial turned up to 11, but this one doesn’t need it. It is genuinely good. The cast is top-drawer with Dee Wallace and M. Emmet Walsh heading a line up featuring a very young Billy Zane. They all turn in proper performances, and it’s clear that everyone took the whole thing very seriously. Don Opper, as town submoron Charlie- who can hear aliens in his fillings, actually managed to forge a career out of this film, reprising his role in all three sequels. Herek’s direction, in his first outing, is solid if uninspired and the special effects are passable for the time.

However, there are several factors, aside from simple professionalism, that raise it far above dross like Ghoulies. Firstly, the transformation effect on the face morphing bounty hunters (one of whom is, hilariously, called Ug and takes his face from a shitty 80’s big-hair soft rock tosser called Jonny Steele) by R. Christopher Biggs is simply phenomenal, even if it is reminiscent of the end of Raiders of The Lost Ark.

Secondly, and far more importantly, the Crites themselves are exceptional monsters. The design of them, by the Chiodo brothers, to begin with is cleverly thought out- they look vaguely cute but it’s hard to ignore the teeth and spikes. They grow when they ear, which must be problematic, although I suppose there is a maximum height, which gives us a fabulous man-in-suit moment to laugh at, and they can fire toxic needles out of their back at people. If pricked, the victim is instantly rendered insensible until the needle is removed, which revives them faster than speed. The script, however, wisely focuses on the humour. It is well aware of the inherent silliness of Space Hedgehogs on the rampage, and plays up to this. There is a sequence about half way through when they critter are wrecking the house involving an exchange between a critter and a stuffed E.T. doll that ends with the Crite biting the doll’s head off. There are several moments like this, and each of them raises a smile. It’s gleeful stuff, and thoroughly enjoyable.

On a slightly different note, although it is far tamer than I remembered it being, there’s a wonderful atmosphere to the film- it really feels like an old-fashioned 1950’s alien B-movie. They take their time building up the key characters and relationships and when it all turns to shit, the feel of panic in the cast is palpable. You actually care about this family, even the annoying kid, and do not want any of them to be turned into pet food.

It isn’t perfect, by any means, the horrid 80’s power ballad “The Power of the Night” that they insist on playing all the time is infuriating and wretched, and the ending is a bit lame with the Bounty Hunters magically rebuilding the devastated farmhouse. Needless to say, though, that these are minor flaws and don’t detract too much from the film

Overall, would I recommend it? Yes, but not in the way I was expecting to. It isn’t a film that I’d watch late at night after a drunkening armed with nothing more than a kebab, but it is one I’d gladly sit down with on a Sunday afternoon. I’d even go as far to say that with the state of cinema nowadays I’d have no qualms letting a 10 year old watch it, aside from the swearing- it isn’t going to scar anyone, but don’t take this as gospel. You have your own minds; it is entirely up to you. Let me put it this way: it isn’t fucking Hostel. It’s a family movie with something for everybody. And you cynical bastards thought I didn’t like those sorts of films.

I’ll probably come back to the Critters sequels at some point, and they’re definitely more schlocky than the original, especially Critters 4 (in space), and are also packed with hilarious before they were famous appearances. Even if none of them hit the heights of this first attempt, they don’t detract from either my feeling of fond nostalgia or my current enjoyment of it.

Ο Billy Zane είναι ένας εκ των πρωταγωνιστών της ελληνικής καλτ ταινίας με ζόμπι “Το Κακό 2, στην εποχή των ηρώων“, εδώ με το ποδηλατό του παρακάτω.

Είδα την ταινία στο φεστιβαλ και τα έσπαγε. Άφθονο γέλιο, ζόμπι σπλατεριά σωστή και μια Αθήνα άδεια από αυτοκίνητα όπως δεν την έχετε ξαναδεί.

I recently posted the fact that the comic book artist Jock (The Losers) was still working on the concept art for the new Judge Dredd film. Alex Garland (The Beach) has written the script and things are slowly moving along.

As we all know Stallone played him in the previous version (it had a great opening 10 minutes and then it just got ugly). The big question for the new one is who will they get to play Judge Dredd?

I could see someone like Bruce Campbell (he has the chin), Ron Perlman (he doesn’t mind covering his face and we all know Dredd never takes his helmet off – well not on screen anyway), Thomas Jane, Billy Zane or Jason Statham.

I have received a few emails that suggest Gerard Butler (Gamer, 300, Law Abiding Citizen) is interested in the role and has been in talks. Now I have looked around the web for confirmation of this, but so far I cannot find anything else. However, the emails I have received have all come from different unrelated sources, a couple of whom are usually spot on.

For the moment mark this one down as a great big rumour though – it is still early days and I personally don’t think they are as far along as casting.

If anyone happens to know Gerard could you ask him if this is true. I will keep digging and let you know if I find anything more.

Do you think Gerard Butler would make a good Judge Dredd? If not him who else could it be?

We’re brainstorming a new sketch for Halloween and I remembered seeing this trailer a while ago…
looked it up, and found out it’s coming out really soon on DVD/Blu-Ray.  Nice.

Billy Zane has officially jumped on the Celebrity Gone Green bandwagon but only so that people will no longer call him gay when he drives around in his Prius.

Billy Zane tried to revive his career by going to the bookstore, and asking for a self-help book called “How I Got My Sexy Back” by Justin Timberlake.

Apologies for the horrendous use of colons in that headline, in penance this week we present our mind-shattering remake of 2001: A Space Odyssey…

Tom: we’ll do 2001 next

John: i’m not sure i like you any more

Tom: first thing we do….remove all ambiguity

audiences dont like to think

John: so it’ll be the first film released with the director’s commentary as part of the overall sound mix

Tom: doubtful

the film needs a lot more work than that

where are the A-list actors?

where is the CGI?

HAL is fine, but he needs an evil face

John: you’re pushing me tom, you’re testing our bond

Tom: also what the fuck is a Space Odyssey? no one knows. We’ll call it 2001: A Space Adventure

well it’ll have to be 3001 since 2001 is a little dated

3001: A Space Adventure!

John: but then some people might assume it’s based on the book 3001: A Final Odyssey

Tom: with the exclaimation mark as mark as part of the title

like anyone reads these days

John: people will have to read our script though

or is this pure improv?

as long as i can retain the rights to the lunchbox merchandise on this project then you can do what you like

Tom: with actors like Paul Walker, David Arquette and Chris Klein in the lead, who needs a script?

John: investors?

Tom: AND despite it being a little weird, we’re keeping the big baby at the end

played by Billy Zane

the investors will be on board because of the big monkey battle at the start

John: this is starting to sound like planet of the apes

planet of the apes: in space

Tom: funny you should say that. we’ll just use longshots from the tim burton film for that

no one saw it and it’ll save money

John: and then the apes battle the fierce HAL for control of the universe?

Tom: the monkeys will have to speak too

Brian Blessed is the head gorilla

John: monkeys + robots = cashprofitmoney?

Tom: i won you back with that one

John: you always win me back with monkeys

if it works on hard-nosed film investors then it’ll definitely work on a sap like me

i want to get Calvin Harris to do the soundtrack

Tom: every 10 minutes there needs to be an action beat

open with the monkey battle

the last monkey standing throws the bone up in the air

people expecting it to cut to a spaceship

WRONG

it cuts to a freaking laser rifle

huge laser rifle battle

then main character wakes up

it was just a dream

which proves our movie is so badass, people dream action set pieces

John: or maybe our main character is secretly a laser rifle-toting ape in a past life

Tom: you seem desperate to tie the apes from the start of the movie with the rest of it

John: but where’s the link?

audiences don’t like ambiguity, you said it yourself

Tom: i dont know

they just saw an epic monkey battle

they’re satisfied

but fine…we can make HAL the disembodied brain of the last surviving ape after that battle

all the other apes are dead

turns out this surviving ape was behind every one significant event on earth

he shot Kennedy

erm. invented velcro

everything

and then becomes a mass computer brain

John: i think you’ve gone mad with power

you need to calm down

Tom: hey i was happy to leave the ape battle seperate. this is the only logical way how we can tie it into the rest of the movie

John: ok fine

can we also have a bad CGI John Colicos saying to the camera at the end “deep down we’re all a bunch of monkeys”

Tom: wow thats a sucker punch

John: roll credits

not a dry eye in the house

everyone is giving us money

Tom: dont know what to do about those monoliths

they seem irrelevant to the story so maybe remove them

no one will miss them

John: or make them into massive orbital cannons

HAL invented them

Tom: well thats works too

also HAL can have two robotic henchman, called Stanley and Kubrick, for a nice in-joke

John: won’t that involve a level of intelligence on the part of the viewer? i’m deeply troubled by a movie that starts out simply to entertain the audience with a massive monkey laser fight only to have a somewhat subtle in-joke later on

Tom: well you have to please the original fans too

John: i don’t think any of this will even remotely please the original fans

i feel that we may have to go into hiding

Tom: as a comprimise, we’ll still call it 2001: A Space Odyssey

so they know what we’re trying to do

John: that’s somehow worse

but i like it

can we have a scene of someone being put into a rubbish bin and thrown down a hill?

this is the only thing i feel the film is missing

what’s a space odyssey without a man in a bin

Tom: the bad guy will have to do that ‘Taking out the trash…the SPACE trash’

John: bin rolls slowly down the hill and exploooodes

cue Calvin Harris

Chris Klein rolls in on a trained ape

defeats HAL somehow

Arquette and the other guy help a little

someone is singing

it’s HAL

HAL is singing to Chris Klein

it’s beautiful

Klein weeps and turns on Arquette and the other guy

Calvin Harris gets louder and appears on screen

Harris disappears

HAL and Klein destroy everything

cue Colicos

credits

i want my money now please

Tom: i have a huge problem with this

John: why

its perfect

drama, intrigue, sexiness

Klein riding a monkey

Tom: when i see the poster for ‘2001: A Space Odyssey- A visionary reimagining of a Stanley Kubrick movie’

i dont want to be looking at just apes and Chris Klein. that’s a bit homoerotic

i want to be looking at MEGAN FOX

and some other talented actresses

wearing skimpy space suits

John: let’s get Elisha Cuthbert in then

happy?

i want my bin scene though

Tom: fine

it can be a real bin too. a nod to the lack of CGI used in the original

that’s two winks

John: i feel you’re playing a risky game here

Tom: we need a video game too. for the monkey battle, it can use the LOTR: Conquest engine

John: i’m off the project, you lost me at that one

going to call time on this one, here’s your last chance. what’s the tagline on the poster going to be?

Tom:  erm

‘a remake of a film that time (and space) forgot’

John:  good luck with this

Hello, all! I was writing down a bunch of macabre puns for today’s feature, Tales From the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight, but I looked down after 45 minutes of hard work, and all my hand scribbled down were the words “YOU’RE A DOUCHEBAG FOR USING PUNS”. So I guess I’m fresh out of hilarious death-related quips to share with you. C’est la vie. Anyway, today’s film marks my 260th review, and while I’m not yet burned out on movies, as so many people have assumed, it certainly can grind on one’s mental processes. That’s why it feels good to cut loose with a cheesy movie like Demon Knight. It’s a horror movie that isn’t really as terrifying as it is laugh-inducing, but that’s all par for the course if you’ve ever seen an episode of Tales From the Crypt.

Hosted by the Cryptkeeper, a chattering corpse with a mind for groan-worthy menacing wordplay, Demon Knight tells the simple story of a guy named Brayker who is in charge of protecting a precious artifact. He’s being pursued by something not of this world. It’s known as the Collector, and it takes many forms. He tries to take refuge in New Mexico, for some reason, and after a near confrontation with the Collector on the highway, he meets up with dear, sweet, neurotic Uncle Willy, who, despite his love of getting totally Ka-flooey all the time, herds enough brain cells together to get Brayker to a boarding house for the night. There he meets all walks of people in all different situations, like the landlady, her not-so-law-abiding daughter Jeryline, a sexy hooker, sexy hooker’s loser boyfriend, and Wally the Mental Post Officer. Brayker has a moment of respite amidst these people before the Collector comes knocking for him, disguised as a human. During the night Brayker stays in the house (which used to be a church, for 86% more sanctimony!), he will be confronted by both the Collector’s evil hell spawn as well as guests of the boarding house whom the Collector has tempted with seductive offers. Will Brayker survive the night? Will he be able to keep the artifact from the demon? What the hell IS the artifact anyway?!?!

HA! is the first thing that comes to mind when I think Demon Knight! What a jolly bit of hullabaloo for the whole family (over 17). Tales From the Crypt, from which this film is said to be derived, had a wonderful tendency to go over the top for comedic effect. It was part of the reason I tuned in at all, to see famous actors and directors make something that was totally overwrought with the idea of HORROR, like they used to do in the days of antiquity. Like the sentiment of a Bela Lugosi’s Dracula-themed birthday party for children, or the Classic Movie Monsters drawn on Doritos bags during Halloween, add graphic imagery for HBO’s discerning adults, and that’s what watching the show felt like. And Demon Knight is no exception to this rule; it was so concerned with the idea of being a horror that it forgot to be scary, and that’s what I like about it because it gives me a chance to mightily guffaw at the garishness of it all.

But other than the sentiment, I find it hard to believe that this was a movie made by the Tales From the Crypt people. I mean, there’s really no connection between the two concepts. Tales From the Crypt was a horror show on HBO loosely based off of the old EC comic title of the same name where a ghastly old Cryptkeeper would bookend random monster/serial killer of the week stories with twist endings a la The Twilight Zone. Fair enough. Demon Knight, however, while featuring the Cryptkeeper bookends, has no serial killer OR monster of the week OR twist. It’s a good versus evil story that could have easily come from the Sci-fi Channel or USA Network before “Characters” were “Welcome”. It feels like they found a movie that had stalled during production, got shelved, and was just cleaned up and recycled later by the TFtC guys with added Cryptkeeper chicanery.

But let’s not beat up on Demon Knight too harshly. There’s things to love about it. The cast is total 90s gold. I love Billy Zane, and the fact that he never made it big is a fucking travesty. He’s like Clark Gable without the wooden inflection. He’s like Gary Cooper without the slight rage. He’s like George Clooney without hair! He’s the Collector, and he’s as smooth as Cool Whip on a balloon animal. Jada Pinkett Smith is the felonious Jeryline, and I hate her guts. But it inexplicably fits with the era, so I can’t really complain too much. I’ll just say that she, like in most of her repertoire, is too damn angry. Calm down, lady! We know, you’re indignant! We get it! No need to rub it in out faces like a bowl of lava! William Sadler is Brayker, and his blandness is vaguely comical to me. He’s so white-bread, I can’t even verbalize it. Just watch every scene with Brayker in it, and tell me what you think of him. If you say anything besides “Eh…” you’re a damn liar!

And something special has to be said for the Cryptkeeper himself, John Kassir. He makes Tales From the Crypt special, and without him, it’s just… Tales From the Darkside, which wasn’t as good. Perhaps it’s his devil-may-care attitude, his eerie decaying face, or those terrible, terrible puns of his. I don’t know, but all I know is that he’s in this movie, ironically attending a premiere OF this movie, and his bookend segments are something to look forward to.

With a good 90s ensemble, a great 90s soundtrack (featuring Pantera, Ministry, and Filter!), and some of the most jaw-dropping exposition for a schlock horror movie I’ve ever seen, Demon Knight delivers. Surely you didn’t expect it to be perfect, but I bet you weren’t expecting it to be pretty good. I recommend it for anyone with a sense of humor and an eye for epochal cheese classics. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll get a rash from Jada Pinkett Smith grating on your eyelids. I give it 6 1/2 Boils and Ghouls out of 10. Cackle cackle cackle.

Tomorrow I button up my shirt and straighten my tie for a more serious endeavor, Tony Scott’s Man on Fire! Until then!

There isn’t a man alive who can look sexy in a purple body suit.

Unless you’re Billy Zane.

Be still, my beating heart! ♥

I never noticed the tribal/skull pattern on the suit before. I need to watch this again. Who’s got a copy?

This is one of those pieces that is sort of news but isn’t. Keep on reading and you will see what I mean.

The excellent comic book artist Jock recently tweeted some kind words about Judge Dredd screenwriter Alex Garland, whose script the “Losers” artist is currently developing visuals for.

@jock4twenty working through script visuals for JUDGE DREDD movie. Alex Garland writes a great script.

The reason why I say this is not really new news is that it was known that Alex Garland (The Beach) was working on a Judge Dredd screenplay back in December of last year (more here) and there was some lovely concept art from Jock in January.

However, since then it has all gone a bit quiet. Hence the reason for this post. Looks as if things are slowly creeping forward for 2000AD’s Dredd and Mega City One. Humour me, I just love a bit of Dredd.

I don’t suppose anyone has a copy of the new script they care to send my way?

The question though is who can play Dredd in the new film? Christian Bale, Jason Statham, Bruce Campbell, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Sam Rockwell, The Rock, Ron Perlman and Billy Zane are just a few ideas. Don’t forget the original take on Dredd was based on Clint Eastwood.

Of course if the big bad of the piece is Judge Death then the main man, Doug Jones (Hellboy, Legion) is the one for that.

There is a thread on the LFF Forum

So, its time for Bad-urday again. This week’s bad boy is Billy Zane. Who can forget him and how bad he was in Titanic? What woman in her right mind would have picked the child, Leonardo Dicaprio when she could have the fabulously sexy Billy Zane? Yes. He was a jerk. But, he sure looked fine. He was better off without the Kate Winslet character- I still say she had enough room to move over on the piece of the ship she was floating on- she could have made room for her doomed love on that raft and saved him from his watery grave. But maybe she re-thought it and decided he wasn’t worth saving and so did not share her perch!
AND who could forget how evil Billy was in Dead Calm?

Anyway, Enjoy Mr. Zane!

If you think this is big, wait till we hit our anniversary...

As thanks for your continued patronage, myself, Tksama and Schuyfi here at YDP would like to invite you to join in a celebration–for our 100th post!  I figured it’s only fair we throw a party (any excuse we can get, right?) and you’re all invited.  But a Yuppie Dance Party is unlike most others.  If you want a real sense, look back over our past few months:

• We’ve showed you some music that makes you look awesome walking in slow motion to–
• We’ve put you In the Know–
• Billy Zane has read us poetry–
• We’ve been to Russia and imagined a Muppet Talk Show
• And of course, we’ve danced.

So if you will, just pretend I’m your man Don Cornelius…and hop on the train.  Until next time y’all…PEACE…LOVE…AND SOUUUUUUUL!!!!