They were hidden behind the rain clouds, lost. But the past 3 nights have been wonderfully cloudless and the stars have come out again, shining through. That’s what the night really is about, and it’s pretty that way. Don’t let that go.

I think i need to stop angsting. may be it is getting too much. i’m probably having too many committments now. and i should cut down, if that is what i want. if not, i have to follow through with it with better discipline and management. Violin has been quite trash these past few weeks. i haven’t been practising enough and it’s horrid.

It’s been almost a year since entering jc, but i think neither my mindset or my opinions have changed about the way we survive in this environment. i seem to be thinking about the same things as the start of this year.

In the end we have to be guided by our central principles. trust and faith is important; staying true.

in my half dazed, half awake mode this morning before i got out of bed, i was still thinking/dreaming about oral presentation. it’s freaky how it’s still in my head. pw has zapped alot of my energy and time this year and i’m just glad it’s (almost) over. the best and easiest way to describe it is “bitter-sweet” i guess.

i just want to move on to other things which i really want to do now. the generic list is reasonably short. but there is a lot to do. it’s really how i’m gonna spend the rest of this year and all the way till JC2 starts…

i need to put all my energy into things that really matter to me. that is when it is most rewarding (a bit like how pw has been). and it is tiring, but i can’t make excuses.

why’s it that it is so easy to think of many things but its many times more difficult to do it. it’s so much easier putting things in thoughts, in words, than in action. i know what i need to do, i know the whole rationale for doing or not doing. but carrying it out, takes so much more. and there is no way i can be helped but to get a grip of myself. no one can do it for me, but myself. it’s a fight with myself.

i guess thats why we can dream. the unimaginable mind can be a boundless source of strength. but it can be a weakness too.

been some kind of a crap day. pw is more interesting than chinese, that seems to say alot. and i spent more time sleeping than studying probably. its the same thing as cts this year, and i’m quite sick of it honestly. doesn’t feel like i’m sitting for a national exam at all and thats bad. may be sometimes having a plan is overconfidence. you think you know, but you don’t.

i’ve got my hands quite full at the moment, doing all sorts of things (things which distract me from chinese right now). i guess they’re stuff i want to do and will somewhat enjoy doing them. but its still no doubt stressful or worrying doing them. and they distract me from the job of studying. i really hope the two months left in this year will be spent doing stuff i know that needs to be done.

it has been quite messy. messy in many ways. the mix of some very important school work, some not so important but still important work and other issues all over the place make things… irritatingly annoying at times. it’s the “not everything is the way i like it” that is getting on my nerves. i don’t know how else to put it – its just exploding energies. and it isn’t necessarily ‘negative’, just uncontrollable.

Strength is not about raw brute force. It is not the hardest, strongest, fastest, biggest. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is the ability to exert the exact amount of force required in a given situation, right down to the most minute muscle movement. That is true strength. And strength is control. Control gives you power – the ability to do just what you want. It isn’t just physical, but psychological and emotional as well. That is real power. Because the mind and heart knows no boundaries.

We are all crafted by our past. But how much of the present is within our control. Which part of us is shaped by nature, which part of us is shaped by our own doing, which part of us is history. What can we still change, force out.

Stand by who we are.

Drive and Direction.

When there isn’t one big fat target placed in front of you, where do you go? That’s the part i hate most after exams.

We have more time, less academic work. I want to do other things, but there is still academic work to do. There isn’t enough time in a day to do all the other things, do work, have fun and still laze around. Lazing around is the biggest hindrance. All i want to do is to laze around all day, but there isn’t enough time in a day to spend all day lazing around and still do other things. Time management is a problem…

It’s really about doing things that i want to do, without feeling guilty about doing them. That’s how time should be spent, doing meaningful things.

and here begins another phase. finally activities are resuming again and life is getting back to the so-called “normal”. as they resume, it’s actually a good juncture to re-think strategies and figure out if the previous methods were the best methods. if not, change. been dreaming/imagining a fair bit about 2010 season next year (season referring to all things not academic) and the wonders which i might/can create in the last season i have in school. just have to grab as many opportunities as i can, without messing up those yet-to-be As.

this week has been a long one. lost track of the days, with all the exams and post exams and what not. the whole post-exams feeling is kinda like last year – mixed emotions. although this year, after exams doesn’t mean the end of school or anything close to that.

i realised before promos that this whole promotional exam thing is really just one part of our lives. when people say that sometimes its not the results that matters? i think sometimes, thats rubbish. but then, i think that’s true in part too. at least thats how i’ve been thinking about it. at the end of the day, it’s about how we lead our own lives. im not saying that in a selfish way. if you are ultimately satisfied with what you have put in and taken out, then no one can take that away from you.  it really is just about the effort sometimes. putting in the best means that even if the results don’t meet expectations, at the end of the day you still can be satisfied.  it’s about finding the meaning for yourself from experiences. and that won’t come if there was no effort in the first place.

a lot of things have set me thinking lately, but till now, i haven’t really had time and the energy to think about them properly. sometimes i wish i could document every thought down. we think about things then forget them with time.

then again, too many thoughts aren’t good as well.

We’re all trapped in the creation of who we are.

We try to change. Push against the body that has held us in.

Everything is inside.

“Time has a way of healing…” But even the past catches up with us.

apparently gardenia raisin loaf is good. so good a monkey decided he’d help himself to the loaf in my kitchen. i have no idea how it smelt it, but i found it behind my neighbour’s house tasting my bread. although it seems like he didn’t like it all that much afterall – he left half of it behind and disappeared into another house. the next time you decide to waste food, think about the poor starving monkeys.

that provided some amusement. studying’s really getting to be a bore. it’s just a few days more but i’m losing steam already. i wonder if i really will ever get out of my poor academic showing.

defining the time that is slipping by

hold your own
know your name
and go your own way

i’m getting really worried about the inability, and sometimes unwillingness, to study. and all the effort and time spent doing pw.

but i want to keep my head straight and try. put in what i can and try.

The silence. Stillness of the night.
The street lamps and my room lights.
Only the sounds of brandenburg
And the occasional rattling of the fan.

, breathing the colour thought is before language into still air. I’m figuring out what that might mean.
A nice time until you realise that tomorrow you’ll be sleepy.

Why’re you still awake? What keeps me awake.
Three weeks. No. Less.
Why do this?

Every drip drop of energy. Effort.
you know people do get quirky, a bit, at this time

i think compared to last year, i’ve taken a more positive attitude towards the pre-exam studying. not that it makes my studying any easier or any faster. i still delude myself that i will be able to finish everything sufficiently and satisfactorily in these 3 weeks. though honestly, i’m getting kinda worried.

sometimes, the best action amidst uncertainty and fragility,
is inaction.

I spent lunch time today watching 102 Minutes That Changed America on history channel. I was intending to do work, except that the documentary on 9/11 was too striking. I know it’s been a long time since 2001, but the images still caught me. This was a plain, pure compilation of numerous video footages from as far as outside of manhattan to right beneath the world trade centre. There was no narration, no cgi, no nothing. Just true images and voice recordings of civilians on the ground, civilians trapped in the wtc and paramedics. It captured raw human emotions. The gaping mouths, the shaking of heads, the look of utter disbelief – that struck me the hardest. It brought me back to that night, when i was a mere primary 3 kid. I’m quite sure I still remember the disbelief, but also the (innocent and disgusting) excitement I felt. Today, I thought of what I would have done if I were caught in that situation. The panic and desperation – a huge surge of overwhelming emotions. A news reporter mentioned how that could be a day that would change your life forever. And I wondered if such a day would come for me. How would I be different. Which part of me would endear through. Is a near death experience for the better?

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”  –Ralph Waldo Emerson

it takes courage to tread into the unknown;
to find a direction amidst the uncertainty.

edit: it takes courage, confidence and a belief

i just wonder if this really is the kind of person i want to be. increaisngly, i feel that i’m getting more impatient with people. perhaps i’m thinking too much. but perhaps i really am loosing a grip of myself. some days i just disregard who i am, and let myself be whatever, whoever my emotions make me into. other days, i force upon myself a mood, an emotion, a reaction. should that be the case? sometimes for my sake and others, yes. is that how i should be? i don’t know. i try to tell myself this is where my strength lies. but that can turn into arrogance and pride. i’ve got to find that control and that patience, before things go horribly wrong. because some days i just feel it boiling in me. and i want to just let it all go.

This is one of those shopping trips to remember. It started well with a purchase of ammo. And well. I got suckered into seeing an old flick, some Blanks and Anarchists and of course Farve to see a screening at a converted warehouse. Well I’d never been to one of these before, and I can tell you it was an experience. And for all you out their seeing a non interactive story, played out in 2D with a room full of other people, is well interesting. I’m not sure if it’s my cup of tea, but I’m glad I tried it. The story was called ‘The Sound of Music.’ The best part has to be when the Anarchists started singing along; mohawks bouncing and pierced skin all spinning around. If I had never seen it myself I would think someone was pulling my leg. At least it made my night a bit brighter, and it was a welcome rest from lugging this ammo home.

So if you find yourself near Van Der Kamp on a night, listen for the singing. If not you cannot miss it they have two spot lights lighting up the night sky. It might not be fun but it’s something to go see, just to make you realise how primitive we used to be.

At least I got more info of Farve about the night before.

DL2100

Getting used to the archaic system is going to take a while, the Technophles seems to be doing some repairs on the this internet thing. I think they are making is a but more robust, as it seems some of servers haven’t been touched in 30 years.

Typing is such a strange experience, but it seems that this is a good way to keep things off the radar at least for a while. And the Blanks are always thankful for a place to get news and blips.

I over heard this story last night, I cannot remember who told me or even of I got the story straight. Take it or leave it it seems to have some substance.

the decision to let the oteam opportunity pass has been bugging me a bit. i guess a bit of the regret has been unnecessarily self-induced. it’s just quite unlike me to let it go. but i guess thinking about academics puts it into perspective. i think of myself this time next year, and i don’t want to think further. don’t really want next year to arrive just yet i suppose. although time is slipping away pretty quickly.

i haven’t watched many plays this year, and that’s something i miss. really miss the emotions that come with good plays – and drahma was good. it makes me wonder more and more what i will do next time, where i will put all my life’s energy to.

all the dreams and ambitions of a little kid…
but for now, just finding a drop of joy in little things that pass everyday.

since monday, the rpa charity dinner gig has been stressing me out. from the first practice, i was kind of in “panic mode”. every day i was just thinking of going home to practice practice and practice. (and putting off already over due work in the process…) if there was anything good that came out of suddenly watching KEANE last night, it was getting inspired again. when i finally got home last night, i was sure i wanted to put up a good performance tomorrow. its odd how the process can be so masochistic, but the end can be so satisfying and even fulfilling.

this week just showed me what i can do. really. i managed to step out of myself so many times this week, to suppress the natural feelings and to just believe. nj match, rpa gig… i realised that when i do develop a determination to do something, i really will do it.

of course things don’t stop here. there are next week’s deadlines to meet and more immediately, there’s still the gig i want to do tomorrow. it isn’t easy, but i guess it’s all about developing the strength to keep going. that includes fighting a possible onset of flu. i will keep this up for as long as i can.

in many other ways, this has been a week of learning.

thank you for having pulled me through

To dig deep within myself
To step outside of myself
To do what i know i must

Not just for myself
But for others
Bigger, greater.

This is a very common requirement for many of us, and there are multiple ways to achieve this many of which requires running macros, but the easiest way that I follow is following these steps :

1) On the “Home” tab >Select the “Find and Select” dropdown menu ( on the Editing Group of icons)

2) Select “Go to Specials” and select the “Blanks” radio button and say “OK”

3) Type 0 or  any character that you want to replace the blanks with

4) Press Ctrl+Enter

.. and you are done

In the face of work, of troubles, of whatever it is that is thrown at us, we just feel like giving up. To just rebel in a fit of violent anger. The independent mind – and heart – just wish things were different.

Yet the little voice within us just keeps us going. It tries to find peace within all the insanity. We all have our control mechanisms, in violent and non-violent ways. At the end of it all, we just want to come out of it better, safe, satisfied.

The little voice that speaks, that guides us along.

i think sometimes i give up way too easily. the target today was a 30 min run, but i ended up only doing half of that. the urge to stop was simply too enticing. but i can’t keep doing that, especially during training. and finally training is back after all the disruption. i think it’s going to be exciting but tomorrow is going to be tough given my fitness level.

and i hate feeling dumb after lessons. physics was an absolute blur to me. to be honest, it isn’t all that difficult. it’s just.. who in the world would go think of those formulas. it’s a hell lot of studying to do. and econs is getting worse and worse. i look at essay questions and i dont know how to do. there’re so many different concepts i don’t know which one to use. worse, which combination of concepts to use.

all i know is that there is a lot a lot of studying to do. it just never stops!

committing to one. and i have to make that one succeed.