My hypnosis CD arrived today, I have ripped it to my IPod and cant wait to go to bed early and listen to it. I think husband is going to join me.

It’s a bit sad to be so excited about a CD but hey! Who cares. I am a positive person, I set goals for myself. Reminds me I must break through the pain barrier and do some exercise! I need to make a doctor’s appointment too. Someone suggested I should be tested for PCOS as one of the major symptoms is hair thinning which I have suffered with considerably. I used to have massively thick hair and now it’s majorly thin, you can see my scalp in places which gets me down a lot. PCOS is very much a chicken and egg situation, it can make it difficult to get rid of fat but putting weight on can cause some of the problems. I may have already been tested so I am going to call up and see what can be done if anything to assist with my weight loss. I feel like I can approach professionals now that I am doing something myself now. In fact I think I may call up weight management and make an appointment with the clinic nurse there for a chat. I want to show her what I’ve been doing.

I may even tell her about this blog, if you are reading this – I’m not eating all the cakes!

I have even committed to going to a BOSPA session. I rang up and they said I could come watch. It’s at the same time that my husband takes Charlie to a Dad’s group so it’s perfect really.

Now is the first time in a long time that I have felt optimistic. I feel like I finally am gaining control of life, of my food, eating, and feelings. I feel like I am achieving things. It’s nearly a month since I made a number of new year goals with my husband, I want to look at them individually and review at the end of the month. I can’t believe it’s the last week of January already. (pay day tomorrow ! Whoop!) It’ll be Christmas before we know it!

Well Day 2 went wrong. I had the day from hell. Child driving me bonkers, being naughty and making me feel like a terrible mother.

I set out to start so well. Had breakfast – Start – with skim milk. It was lovely and I was full. Then I went out for lunch because the boy was driving me so bonkers. Bad move. Ordered Brie and Bacon Pannini and curly fries, plus some chips for the wee one. Diet coke and Fruit Shoot. One hour later it hadn’t arrived and I cancelled the order and got a refund. I was almost relieved. It’s wierd, I was hungry, I was looking forward to it but I was totally relieved when it didn’t arrive.

So off we go to Gym Tots, the boy enjoyed a great run around, and actually behaved really nicely. We were both hungry by the end having not eaten before that we went to McDonalds, this is where I epically fail.

Quarter Pounder with Cheese (minus onion & pickle) = 460 calories
Large Chips = 450 calories

I had a large diet coke but that’s about 3 calories but all the shame and guilt of remarks made in the real world about “isn’t it always fat people eating burgers and drinking diet coke” made me actually sit and nearly cry in McDonalds. Bless my boy, he was so happy with his happy meal of fish fingers and chips and fruit.

Even worse, when I was asked about what I ordered at the Cafe and what I ate at McDonalds by my husband I lied. I don’t know why I did it but the shame was just ringing in my ears. To push the shame down I have eaten about a 1000 quality street.

I am looking in to hypnotherapy at the moment. I need to address my mental issues with food before I am ever going to address my weight.  I am scared of getting the letter to see the consultant. I have been really bad. I haven’t been to any bospa (British Obesity Surgical Patients Association) meetings or part 3 of the course. I am a bad fatty. I am going to ask my husband to read this and hopefully he will forgive me.

I can’t bring myself to weigh myself but last time I weighed it was 269 lbs. Fuck.