“Your sexy is showing” is the name of this section.  This is where I muse over findings on what conforms & formulates that which is sexy.

Some of the times when I’ve found myself most enticed and allured, down right  TURNED ON by guys, have been times when a guy’s intelligence has been exhibited.  For example, not long ago, about… Maybe a week, a week and a  half ago I was watching a documentary on National Geographic about a marine biologist that was studying giant squid.  He was of: formidable build , had blue eyes, complete with a charming New Zealand accent , but what really drew me in &  enthralled me was : his hunger for knowledge , his drive for discovery &  his inspiring  intellect.

Tall, dark, handsome, strong, etc…  These are all traits that are  foremost obvious to mention by most as attractive qualities. I love such qualities myself, but there’s others too. Qualities that are far superior, that can be much more substantial, with a much more profound affect. Unfortunately such traits are usually slighted for those which are the set standard of what is considered attractive. Things like intelligence tend to be neglected instead of recognized for what they are, super SEXY. The truth is that, sometimes a “good looking guy” can make a girl feel so extremely jaded instead of enthused &  stimulated. That’s not to say that if your smart you can’t be good looking or if that your good looking your automatically dumb. What I’m saying is that,  a guy who ONLY has his looks going for him is at a serious loss. A guy who is cute, fun, or funny, but unsophisticated & obtuse is a let down to a  girl that craves more. Girls are just like guys : yea the “hot babe”  is fun for while, but after a while it gets old. The golden rule of course is: Too much of anything can be a bad thing. Everything in moderation.  I myself don’t want a super book worm that bores me to tears or a full blooded techy, and geek chic is not for me.  All I’m saying is  intelligence is desirable & there must be a a happy medium.

There was the first guy from YWAM.  The one I liked so much.  He liked me too, but turned out to be less mature than I imagined him to be.  Haha.

Then there was the other guy from YWAM, who was my dear friend.  We talked on the phone for years after parting ways.   I think I always knew he wanted me, but I just never quite came around to that.

The guy in Indiana.  We e-mailed at least once a day for over a year.  A few phone calls.  One meeting/”date”.  He was the perfect guy (i.e. outrageously good-looking, athletic, intelligent, understanding, attentive, hard-working, etc.).   Just not for me.

There was The Friend.  We semi-dated for a couple months after two years of a casual friendship.  Now we’re better friends than ever.  Only sad part is that it’s a long-distance friendship at present.

There was The Canadian who could have easily become a good friend had he not gone all horny on me.  He may still become a good friend, just depends how easily he lets go of the fuck talk.  Except I don’t know if this counts because we’ve never met.

~~~~~~~~

The Men Who I’ve Wanted:

There was the pastor’s son at my church.  YAY for that never happening.

There was the sexy guy at my church.  I liked him for a long time.

There was my brother and sister-in-law’s good friend and neighbor.  I like to think I won him over, but I think I perked his interest right after I starting talking to China Man so that never went anywhere.  And now that I have the opportunity again (we’re in the same city now), I’ve realized that I don’t actually want him.  Nor do I want him to want me.

There’s my brother and sister-in-law’s other friend.  The tall, athletic, funny one.  (Who China Man met and who has one of China Man’s framed pictures in his house, oddly enough.)

I don’t know why I felt like writing this post, but I did.  Just wanted to think about other men besides China Man.

Am I allowed to put David Gray in this section?  Is he married?

…. oh, sad.  I just had a memory about China Man that relates to David Gray.  We were in Hong Kong in The Garden Hostel.  It was one of our last two nights together.  I was sitting on my bed, he was on his.  He said something like, “[My name] come over here.  The David Gray and the [snacks] are over here… and I’m over here.”  Of course, I went.  How could I turn down the opportunity to listen to David Gray in the arms of China Man?

… that the happiest people are not ones who all their relationships (family, friends, significant other, etc.) are good. (This was a real study to…)  The happiest people are the ones who have an satisfying understanding of why the less good/bad relationships (and the good ones too) are the way they are.

I thought that was so interesting.  And of course, I want to apply it in my life.  Right now with China Man.  I think I’m doing a good job too.  It really helps me a lot to understand why it hurts so bad sometimes, like I tried to do in my last post (“Alone in My Fight”).

You  know, sometimes I feel like I’ll never figure this out.  I feel like I’ll love him forever and will always be trying to soothe myself, tell myself it’ll be okay, but then it’ll never be okay.

I can suck it up if I see him dating other people.  I feel well acquainted with loneliness and grief.  If I knew that was what I was up against, then I could set everything hope and thought in me toward recovery.  Toward making peace.

But it feels so much harder when I’m just not sure how things will turn out.

I was in Barnes & Noble the other day and I was, as usual, in the “Psychology” section.  As I perused the titles there, I picked up the Cognitive-Behavioral Workbook for Depression.  One of the things I remember reading was an instruction to let there be room in your mind for unknown.

That really helps me in this circumstance.  I just accept that at this point, I don’t understand nor do I know how things will turn out.  Right now, I just don’t know.  It doesn’t feel okay, but it IS okay.

Hope complicates things enormously.  If I didn’t wish for him to desire me, then I’d be set, like if I was okay with not knowing AND didn’t care what happened.

As it is though, I take two steps forward when I make peace with not knowing, then one step back when I hope for a certain outcome.

I wish for the security of being loved.

I’m not.

And that’s okay.  I don’t know what will happen with China Man, but I know somehow, some way, some day… I’ll survive.  It may not be pretty.  I may not do it all right between now and then.  I may never be loved how I want.  But I’ll make it through.

I’m not the perfect girl, but I do the best I can.  And that’s good enough.  Maybe not for him, but it’s enough for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I knew now, that it is by loving, and not by being loved, that one can come nearest the soul of another.  ~George MacDonald, Phantases

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But what is left for the cold gray soul,

That moans like a wounded dove?

One wine is left in the broken bowl –

‘Tis to love, and love, and love.

Better to sit at the water’s birth,

Than a sea of waves to win;

To live in love that floweth forth,

Than love that cometh in.

Be thy heart a well of love, my child,

Flowing, and free, and sure.

For a cistern of love, though undefiled,

Keeps not the spirit pure.

~George MacDonald, Phantases

Insurmountable.  Impossible.  Or at least very, very difficult.  I have been charged with the task of coming up with a complete costume design for Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Nights Dream.  Those of you who know me recognize that this should be, perhaps, the coolest homework assignment ever.  “Should be” being the key phrase there.  Under normal circumstances, it would be, but these are not normal circumstances.  I have three weeks to design them.  “Three weeks,” you say, “that should be easy.”  But you forget, perhaps, that I have much more on my plate then merely designing 27+ costumes.  I have, after all, four more classes on top of Costume Design.  And they all have their fair share of end of the semester projects.  I also have to design the costumes of four characters from Romeo and Juliet.  This was changed, of course, at the last-minute, from designing four costumes to designing the complete set of costumes for four characters.  This, as you may realize, presents a much more complicated problem.  Juliet, for example, should really have at least four costumes: the masquerade, her pajamas, her day clothes, and her burial clothes.  In an act of utter rebellion, which is actually out of character for me [when it comes to homework assignments, at leat], I’m saying “fuck it.”  As far as I’m concerned, Juliet only has one outfit, wears a simple black mask to the ball, and sleeps in the nude.

Then I also have to do the scene design for Romeo and Juliet, which I’m sure will be changed on us at the last-minute.  As it stands now, we only have to design the scenery for one scene, but I’m sure it’ll be changed to the whole play, or something.  And to cap off my Fundies of Design class I have to make a winter kite.  No, I don’t have any idea what that is either, so don’t bother asking.  I’ve never even flown a kite, let alone made one; that should make the whole experience just that much more fun [please not the heavy sarcasm].  I have a scene to direct for Directing, which is being presented two weeks from yesterday.  I still don’t have my third actor and I have no idea when I’m going to find time to rehearse.  To make that whole process more fun, I also have to do a production pitch, which as far as I can tell, is going to result in me having to create yet another concept of design.  Yay…..not.

Moving on to my other major, I have a paper to write for American Lit. that’s due two weeks from Wednesday and a major final to study for, that will take place three weeks from yesterday and is thankfully my only real final.  And of course, all the readings I’m supposed to be doing.  I’m hoping the knowledge I gleaned from 12th grade Humanities will be enough to help me BS my way through the end of the semester.

Then there’s Italian, which I am suspiciously not failing.  I’m supposed to be going into the Language Teaching Center to work on the Rosetta Stone software, but I haven’t really had time and when I went to do it on Wednesday, the LTC was closed.  Go figure.  We also have a test coming up, which I’m not at all prepared for and we’re going to have to write a paper.  In Italian.  I don’t know enough Italian to write a paper!

And I’m already behind on everything because I had the swine flu last week.  That’s right, dear reader, I had the H1N1 flu, and let me tell you, it sucked.  I was sick for a week, couldn’t eat solid foods for four days, everything hurt, I had a fever, chills, a cough, absolutely no energy.  Not fun stuff.  So I missed a week of class and now November is basically over.

I had my first breakdown today.  Not first one ever, not even of this semester (those have been happening fairly regularly), but of this whole Insurmountable Task episode.  I sat on my bed, pathetically sobbing, because I have too much to do and I’m being a horrible best friend.  And then I was sobbing harder, because all I could think was “if I’m such a horrible best friend, how can I ever hope to get a boyfriend?”  By horrible best friend, I really just mean neglectful, because I’ve been so busy.  But Doc is very good with guilt trips, so I feel awful [which will inevitably just make me mad at him for making me miserable and then mad at myself for being mad at him when I am being neglectful, though justifiably so].  Meanwhile my cat was sitting in my lap, trying to comfort me with her purring as I drenched her ears in big, sloppy tears.  She’s a very tolerant cat when you’re upset.  And then I realized how pathetic it was that I was sitting in my bed with my cat, crying about how stressed and lonely I am, which only made me cry harder.  But I eventually stopped crying and took my dog for a walk and then came back up here, feeling a bit better.

So now I’m ready to begin this nearly insurmountable task and I will hopefully not have been institutionalized at the end of it.

Here goes nothing….

We talked last night.

It was strange.

I was crying, but trying not to.

The conversation was all drawn out without much getting said.  Mostly because I was dragging my feet.  Who wants to tell their ex-boyfriend how unhappy they are in life right now?  And that’s what he kept asking about.  All he got though was me trying not to cry and being evasive.

Finally, I explained, “I don’t want to be here.”

And he said, “Then move to  China.  If you’re only doing [your job] for the money [and don't enjoy it], then fuck it.”

Then I said a couple things.  One, I would love to, but how can I do that if you wouldn’t be willing to do the same for me.  That ticked him off, because he feels that he just did exactly that by coming to the States for the summer.  I see where he’s coming from and I’m feeling really bad that he might be thinking I am not bowled-over-appreciative for his coming back.  Also, it does feel slightly different.  It’s the difference between his visiting here and my moving there.

The other thing I said was that I never really felt like he wanted me to come there.  He had different reasons at different times (i.e. he wasn’t ready, I have a great job, I have loans, etc.).  He agreed to this and then unfortunately, he had to go teach class and so we didn’t have time to continue the conversation.

Also, as I suspected, I didn’t really need to freak out a few days ago for the reason that I did.  I know why I did though.  I tried to explain it to him with a metaphor that didn’t come out right.  What I was trying to say though was this… It’s like I’m a boxer and I’m in the ring fighting.  When I know I have someone in my corner who’s got my back, then I can turn my full attention to the fight (i.e. life and all that entails).  In the same way, if I know there’s no one at my back, then I know I have to fight the good fight on my own.  It’s more distressing though, when there’s someone who may or may not have my back, because – metaphorically speaking – I have to keep looking back to see if they’re going to be there for me or not.  It makes me weaker because I’m distracted from the fight.  I have to fight on two fronts.

All that to say, that I used to be assured that I could turn to him when I needed him.  Then we broke up and I knew I was on my own.  Then in that last week or two he was telling me that he missed me, which made me start hoping and wondering if perhaps he would help me.  It was at that point that he was able to access that site again, the one where we met.  Seeing that made me feel extra alone in the fight because I needed and hoped he might help me, but then I knew I couldn’t count on him.  And I was alone again, trying to defend myself with no one to help.

All that would have happened anyway, whether or not he had regained access to the site.  I’m confused.  After talking to him I see that I am correct in thinking I’m alone in my fight.  It’s just that I want help.  However, he’s won’t tell me one way or the other if he’ll be my help.

So I’m fighting my fight alone, as I have been, but now with the addition burden of disappointed and uncertain hope.

My back’s aching – not aching actually,  scratching. Not even scratching; it’s itching, but slightly. It’s not as if I have to tear down my clothes and rip through the itching area. My back never allows me to do so nor does it give me a chance to do so either.

I was thinking about the times I spent with my ex-boyfriend (Harry). Oh he did not scratch my back, but he did excite me no end. I was so happy being with him. Of course, had it not been for my break-up before I met Harry, I would have still been with him. I broke up with Harry because I realized I wasn’t over the ass I had dated before him.

Today, as I sat in the bus and listened to a Philharmonic Orchestra playing Christmas carols, I began to drift back in time to the days Harry and I were dating. We would meet at places in Bandra and we did coochie-coo like rabbits.

Sigh! I miss intimacy. I miss it like hell. It’s the one thing that I hankered after for so long and when it did come my way, because I was in a skewed state of mind, I dumped it and how! I called Harry and broke up with him on the phone!

Silly of me, really, but then I have reason to say that this is just one of the numerous silly deeds I have participated in in the 30 years of my life here on Earth.

I have just started on a new project which I’m really excited about but can’t reveal much. You’ll know about it in a few months.

Anyway, it’s sad that there’s only 26 days left to the end of exchange. As much as I’d love to be back in Singapore to see Tim (and the rest of my dear friends), I’m also upset that I’m gonna leave this life. Somehow, I feel that I’m more of the real me here, having no inhibitations, living the way I’ve always wanted to live and being the me I’ve always wanted to be. I don’t have to be afraid of people judging me, don’t have to behave ‘correctly’ and I can pretty much say and do whatever I want. I’ll also miss living in a student accommodation. You can walk out of your room at any time of the day and find someone there always. There’s always new things to discover about everyone. We have endless topics to talk about despite the language barrier. I’m glad that I’ve forged stronger friendships even in my last month here. By stronger friendships, I don’t mean the hi-bye friends I meet in Akademien every Wednesday but people in the house. I used to think Julia is cold and rude like the typical Germans. I even thought she didn’t like me much because of the lack of interaction between us. But after the booze cruise, I realised she’s really easy to speak to – you just have to give people a chance before you start stereotyping them. We started having little girly pillow talks and partying together. Kudy has been a great friend too. I’ve spent the past few nights chatting and watching movies with him till wee hours of the morning. Tired as I am the next day, I’ve enjoyed our conversations a lot and some things we spoke about are thought provoking and set me thinking. We have actually gone beyond being ’superficial’ friends.

As we were talking about parents of our other halves, this thought came to my mind. I don’t know how true this is but I realised that out of the past few parents I’ve met, those boyfriends who are the only son in the family actually have parents that treat me better than the one who had two other brothers. It all started with Nic. I was fifteen then. His mother didn’t like me much because of my colored hair. I wasn’t exactly the girlfriend to bring home back then and was a bit of the wild child in the early stages of rebellion. However, I believe I was brought up well and still know what manners are and the way to behave infront of a boyfriend’s mother. After Nic put in some good words for me, she began talking to me and fell in love with me too. It was really nice being together with him and his family almost everyday. He’d always call his parents up when we ran out of money and his dad would fetch us from wherever we were and the four of us would head off for a cosy family dinner together.

After Nic came Leo. I was glad when he told me that I am the first girlfriend (out of 22) that his father actually liked. But that’s probably because I’m his only girlfriend who is not an uneducated ah lian. Heh. He was an English speaking ah beng back then. Love it when he tries to speak Mandarin! So his mum was extremely nice to me as well. She pampers me almost as much as she pampers Leo. I’d help her with all the pastry making before CNY and she’d always cook curry for me because I told her it’s my favourite dish of hers. We’ve been in contact for all of these 6 years after Leo and I broke up. I meet her for lunch every now and then and sometimes visit her at home when Leo’s girlfriend is not around. When I do remember, I’ll send a card over on her birthday or remind Leo about it because he is terrible with dates and numbers.

Joshua’s Mum was probably the first bitchy mother I’ve met. It was scary when she started bitching about the last girlfriend and how she made her sweep the whole house etc. Err, I was thinking I’d better not offend her else I’d die a horrible death. She was one I knew if I were to ever marry Josh, I’d never stay together with her. It’s not like I don’t like her but you know, familiarity breeds contempt. Luckily Josh and I didn’t work out. Maybe because we were a little older, they treated me like their daughter-in-law, paid for my trip to BKK so I don’t stay alone in SGP while they were away and made me join all the 123123 extended family outings (which I really enjoyed). Josh’s Mum wasn’t as easy to please. She was neutral towards me but after helping with the cooking and to set the table before meals 123123 times and joining/interacting with the family in the living room instead of what typical girlfriends do – hide in the bf’s room – they love me more and more. (Hazel, I hope you are reading this ‘cos you wanted to know how to please Cay’s parents. ) We were on such good terms that I often went out with the rest of his family and extended family without him. Too bad Josh was sucha jerk else it would have been great.

When the last three breakups happened, I could get over the guys fairly easily but it’s the family that I couldn’t get over. I really miss those times together as a family. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m in love with the guy or their family. There were times when I knew we wouldn’t be able to make it together but because of their family, I stayed on in the relationship. It’s not the correct thing to do but trust me, if you lack family warmth as a kid, these things will appeal to you and affect your decision a lot. The guilt I felt when I broke up with Josh was terrible, especially so because it was straight after the BKK trip. I didn’t wanna go for it anymore but Josh begged me to so as not to disappoint his parents. I think it is worse for me that I went and break up after. They would have thought I was just waiting for the free trip before breaking up. I think I owe them an apology. They were so nice to me yet I had to disappoint them and break their son’s heart… I think this whole family warmth thing is the reason why I want to get married so much and start my own family. I want to give my kids the warmth I never had and hopefully I will be able to feel that warmth again myself. Sometimes, I felt I yearned too much for the warm and fuzzy feeling that it made me a little confused. I was actually unsure if I was more in love with the idea of love and the things that might come after or the guy himself. It was almost as though I was just making use of the guy to get what I want.

Bah. This was supposed to be about being the only child/son but I don’t know how it turned into this. Joanne never ever keeps to her point. Just so I end off with what I started… Jason’s mum treated me a random woman. I guess she was used to her three sons bringing girlfriends back home and didn’t really care much about them. I was just ‘one of them’ and I didn’t like it at all. When you have three sons, you probably have to divide the love for each girlfriend by three so there wasn’t much left. After evaluating the four, I realised that the mothers who were especially nice are so probably because

1. My bf is their only precious son so they love whatever their son loves.
2. They didn’t have a lot of kids to shower their love on.
3. They want to see their son get married one day and didn’t want to eliminate the possibility of me being their daughter-in-law so they were nice – just in case I would not want to marry if they weren’t.
4. None of the above. They really liked me for me which is why they were nice. Heh.

I’m too tired to continue.

On October 21,2009 Mathew and I had our engagement party!  It was so much fun! We had a lot of our close friends and family there. 2 of my sisters came. My other sister had a class for work and was not able to make it but I know she was there in spirit because for some reason I was dancing and I NEVER dance.. she is the dancing queen. Mats cousins came and his older brother was there as well.. Lots of pictures were taken and we even got gifts, which was totally unexpected but we really appreciate it. The week leading up to the party was kind of stressful because we were both working a lot and trying to get everything ready was like a 2nd full time job. After everything was said and done we could not have asked for a better turn out. The food was great! We had mini sandwiches, cupcakes, veggie tray and cheese and crackers!. The drinks were great. Everything turned out great. I even got a new dress. Which I think will be my fav dress from now on. Here are some pics from the party!

I’ll probably be MIA for a few days due to seeing my sweetheart black Friday for his BIRTHDAY!

I’ll miss you all! Have a wonderful long weekend with your families and friends!

Be thankful!

]]> http://thebackofmymind.wordpress.com/2009/11/26/flying-stealth/ Thu, 26 Nov 2009 05:31:27 +0000 thebackofmymind http://thebackofmymind.wordpress.com/2009/11/26/flying-stealth/

So someone referred the other day to being “invisible” on Gmail chat as “flying stealth.”

I thought it was so funny.  He mentioned it, because that’s what I like to do.  It’s like caller ID on chat/messengers… you never have to talk to anyone, but the people you want to.

It’s also useful when there’s a certain boy you want to stalk (practically).

Just saying. 

Am I being stupid here?

Over-reacting?

Is it at least understandable why I feel such a way?

For the record, I despise these feelings.  In the same way you dislike the feelings of jealousy, so do I dislike not knowing where I stand with a s/o (former or otherwise), namely you right now.  Just like I said in Hong Kong.

[big sigh]… oh, well.

I’m on the verge of laughing now.  How did I get here so quickly?  I didn’t even think I’d talk to you again for months, years, and here I am, all of a sudden… concerned about your activity on that site.  Haha.  It’s not funny, but it is funny.  This is such a silly game.  I like my life so much better drama-free.  This is not lending itself very well to that.

Oh, silliness.

Another moment I want to remember…

We were at your sister’s house.  You were laying on the floor in her kitchen.  I was sitting at the island.

Everyone else had left the room, but I was still quiet.  You questioned me about this fact.  At bit later, while everyone was still gone, I asked if you were going to drink the rum you had beside you.  You responded, oh so perfectly…

Is that what you’ve been thinking about?

Then you said with a most beautiful mixture of compassion and affection in your voice, and a look in your eyes that I hope I never forget…

Get over here and talk to me.

I’ve thought of this moment many times since then.  Thank you for this memory.  It is so dear to me.

As far as it depends on me, I want to always treat people well.  Especially when it gets difficult.  I want to keep an open heart and let myself risk being hurt.  I want to love even when it won’t turn out well for me.  In romantic relationships I want to be in them and leave them knowing that I didn’t betray my desire to always do my utmost to love.  I want to leave them with an open-heart, appreciating the good times and knowing that there was value in being in a relationship with them.

I wish I would to not get hurt, but even though that is impossible, I choose to not let that be a reason for me to hurt them or treat them badly.

I want to love through think and thin, to know when to leave, and then to leave with the peace that I did everything I could to love them to the best of my ability.  I want to leave still loving them, even though the expression of that love changes.

I want to forgive when I’ve been hurt and to give grace in all circumstances.

I want to be loved in the same way I love.  But I will love anyway, even when it is not returned how I would like, or at all.

Love is a choice.  It is not easy or dependent on other people.  It is up to me.  It is my choice and the way I choose to live my life.

I will forgive emotional debts.  I protect his freedom, especially his freedom to not choose me.

This is the life I choose for myself, because it is the life that will mean the most to me in the end.  I choose to accept pain as a necessary part of living life.

Even the pain of…

letting go.

This year has not been a great year for me and relationships. I’m just going to put it out there, universe are you listening? The men you sent me this year have by and large been epic fails.  Could I not get at least one decent one? But come to think of it, last year wasn’t the best either – though due to lack of numbers rather than the quality of the participants. And don’t even get me started on the year before…

My mom always told me the women in our family have incredibly bad luck with men.  No argument from me there mom, between multiple marraiges (some to the same person more than once!), divorce drama, abuse and general crapiness it seems the women in my family are better off on their own.

But I still harbour the hope that I could be the one to break the cycle, I mean I go to therapy, meditate, have an ever increasing self-help book collection, what more can I do?

So far this year I have managed to find the committment phobes, cheaters, drub abusers, liars and the terrible in bed (which is whole nother blog post in itself).

Now I am not on the hunt for a boyfriend, I like being alone, I love my life just the way it is, I just don’t know if at the ripe age of 23 I can accept being alone for the rest of my life.

That means either a life of celibacy or a whole lot of nap overs and a trip to the naughty store.

So universe the gist of this is, please pull up your socks and send me something better next time, please?

Like the amazingly hot, sensitive, funny artist you sent my friend. (This is where the jealousy part of the post comes in). I know I might not have legs up to my ears, or a body to die for, but really, she could not possibly hold his interest.

What about me???? I am funny, interesting, sharp, and witty – where is my New Yorker artist!

At this point I reach for my chocolate – damn, is it still a diet if every day is a cheat day?

Oh happy day, Callou, Callay… And other Frabjous and frilling words!

I R luv !1!1!

His name is Taylor, but he prefers his nickname, which is Deisel. ^^ I know, it sounds silly, but… well, think about it. If your first name was most often used for girls, and everybody mispronounced it, wouldn’t you find a nickname too?

Rawr! lol

He’s silly and sweet and romantic and sexy, too… he likes hiking, the nets, gaming and geekery, movies and candle-lit dinners, and even long walks in the park, lol. I don’t know how to describe him… But we fit, somehow, together, in a way that is as much mundane as it is profound.  Just know that you must envy me, for he is a catch, and I has caught him. ^^

*glares when you does not envy him*

Ennnnnnvyyy!!!!

Better.

*strolls off, whistling a merry tune off of Eric Clapton’s Slowhand album*

P.S. I took both of these photos of him, whaddaya think?

a few things jumped out at me when i read this~~

Hunt on for killer ex-royal aide

Spectacular fall of royal helper Police are trying to find a former royal aide who has absconded from the open prison where she was serving a life term for murdering her boyfriend. Jane Andrews, who stabbed and beat Thomas Cressman at their London home in 2000, went missing from East Park Prison, in Maidstone, on Sunday. Kent police said they were looking for the “vulnerable” 42-year-old in the East Sutton area. The former aide to the Duchess of York was ordered to serve at least 12 years. She was initially ordered to serve at least 15 years in 2001, but that was reduced on appeal. Andrews was wearing a black and white striped top, black jeans, a black body warmer and black trainers when last seen, police said. A Kent Police spokesman said the force was working with the Prison Service to locate her. Asst Ch Con Andy Adams said: “We are pursuing lines of inquiry, there are a number of addresses that she is associated with.

specifically this sentence:

Police are trying to find a former royal aide who has absconded from the open prison where she was serving a life term for murdering her boyfriend

is anyone surprised????

the second thing is how easy it is to get away with murder in this country….12 years???gimme a break!

and last but not least, and be honest ladies~~~ have you ever~~~ for even a split second~~~ contemplated killing a boyfreind/lover/husband???

i’m sure i have although i don’t remember the exact moment…i do remember having long day dreams involving the less offensive thought…wishing…praying….hoping he would die a slow, painful death…i’m still waiting…

i used to think 20 years in prison was a small price to pay for ending the endless pain and agony he was inflicting on me and my kids. not that there is anything in this article to imply she was being abused in any way…she’s just a nutter!

"Roissy in DC" author: James C. Weidmann

Jimmy-The-Jew:  ”Roissy in DC”

Now, let me just say this.  I have never felt the need to dedicate a post to Roissy because we all know (in his many pathetic, repeated blog posts dedicated to me) that is exactly what he wants.  He wants to be the “dark villain” and the “dangerous man”.  Sadly, most women can see upon reading a few words of his that he is not a dangerous nor scary man.  He’s a sad, lonely, 40’s-something guy…..stuck in a big city…..where he just can’t keep up with the competition  (please refer to what he looks like and what he WEARS as a man his age to see what I am referring to).

*I am interested to see if Roissy “takes it like a man” or shrieks like a schoolgirl and demand it be removed.  ( I say this because Roissy has felt free to find and post photos of me, my family, my personal info, and anything else he can find to “call me out”).  I wonder if the “dishee” can also take it.*

Desperation drips from his false online persona like a broken rusty rain gutter that everyone gave up on fixing long ago……

If you are NOT familiar with blogger, “Roissy in DC“……I’d suggest you click and read a bit of his blog (you’re welcome, Roissy).

This is a man who claims to be a Master of Seduction, a Jesus-Like Savior of (wimpy) men, a Colossus of Gaming, and of course an all around “Ladies Man”.

He extols the virtues of dodging child support payments, physically intimidating your wives & girlfriends to “keep them in line”, and even encourages men to “raw-dog” it and have as much unprotected sex as you possibly can (gross….can you say STD’s and MORE babies in foster care???).

Unfortunately, the men he is preying upon don’t realize that he is NOT out to help them, NOT out “offer advice”, but out ONLY to reassure himself in his aging, middle-aged, desperation…..that ANYONE still wants to hear what he has to say.

You all know the expression “Well….if I’m going down….I’m taking everyone with me.”  THAT is exactly what Roissy’s “Game” advice to men is.  It’s like the crack under a recovering crack-heads nose…….the “miracle diet pill” to the lifetime Anorexic……and the walking, talking ENABLER of the further decline of modern men in today’s society.  He encourages men to go back to the “id”…..the caveman inside themselves…….and care about nothing but eating, sleeping, and fucking.

Every step that man has taken forward in the world, Roissy helps them to take a step back.  For every man who DOES have discipline and character (and self-control)……Roissy helps to enable 10 more NOT to be.

The chauvinism, arrogance, and cock-obsessed points aside……Roissy is a living breathing example of the stereotype that many men have been trying to not be a part of:  drooling, horny, pussy-obsessed, “cocks-on-wheels” with not a thought in their head except finding a warm-hole.  (Pardon the nasty expression, but that is the main thought process of men like these).

Anyway…..I received an email directly from a mysterious (and generous) Miss X.  This is evidently a woman who feels much the same way that I do and is tired of witnessing this sort of degradation in our society as whole.

*NOTE:  I will remove tidbits from the email that could/would give away the identity of “Miss X” and how she may be “familiar” with Roissy.  I will also mark my own comments with *asterisks* and Italics so there is no confusion.*

Dear Lady Raine,

I’ve been a longtime admirer of your contributions to the debate at Roissy’s. However, his recent smugness has exceeded even my tolerance, and I thought I might offer a little birthday present to you to offset the bile you’ve received from him:

I believe I know Roissy’s real name.

I know that you like investigation…. take a look at James (Jim) C. Wiedmann, employed by FINRA (a private finance regulatory body in D.C.). Also interviewed in the Mail and Globe article “When Players Turn Into Boyfriends.” See if this rings any bells:

The pickup artist’s message for wannabe players and boyfriends alike is essentially “don’t be a wuss,” says J. Wiedmann, a Washington-based white-collar-crime investigator. Mr. Wiedmann, who did not want his full name used, launched his “reality-based seduction” blog, “Roissy in DC: Where Pretty Lies Perish,” last year. Reviled and beloved, the blog is full of devilish relationship strategies.


“I’ve written about the importance of instilling dread in your girlfriend by turning off your phone twice a week, or calling her from a busy place where women are laughing in the background … despite her protestations to the contrary, a little bit of uncertainty goes a long way to keeping her aroused for you,” Mr. Wiedmann said in an interview.


Aside from the usual fawning and vitriolic responses to his posts, Mr. Wiedmann has been seeing more pleas for relationship advice in his inbox lately. “Most of my male readers ask for advice on how to win that ‘one girl’ over. They’re struggling to get out of the discount bin of the sexual market,” he says.

(http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/article714983.ece)

Roissy published a blog entry entitled “I Am In the Globe and Mail,” but has recently deleted it.
(http://roissy.wordpress.com/2008/12/19/i-am-in-the-globe-and-mail/).

He is 41. His birth day and month are the same as listed in this profile, but he lies about the year. This is what he looks like.
(http://www.puaconnect.com/roissy/)

If you’d like any further confirmation, try a Google search for “Roissy’s real name.”

He loves to brag about his exploits, but abuses women while hiding under a cloak of secrecy. And now he is making it a personal crusade to attack all the women on his blog who are still willing to stick around. Please be careful — some of the men at his site are very angry and seem a few minutes away from snapping.

From one woman to another,
Miss X

*I also received this in my comments section from another one of my readers*

You should send Roissy a nice thank you card:

Jim Wiedmann
1778 Lanier Pl NW #9C
Washington, DC 20009

 

*OH, JIM…….LOL…..what does one even say about this?  Other than the fact that a 41 year old “finance-nerd” who dresses like he’s a 21 year old emo-prep college-boy.  The fact that he constantly berates women and evidently LIES about his age even to his own readership is really rather funny.  I recall so many articles talking about how “young hot women just LOVE old, pasty gross men” and now I know why he’s so desperate to get other men to believe this kind of thing.

You would think that JUST the fact that he’s a middle-aged, pasty-white finance-Jew posing as a playboy would be reason enough for people to disregard his opinions and advice (like most people already do)…..but there are and always will be looking for their “own personal jesus” to tell them it’s okay to hate women, hate life, hate responsibility, hate morals, hate “hard work”, and hate ANYONE AND EVERYONE that you can possibly think of to blame for being  what they have become.

This falls into my “Why People Are Assholes” post.  Roissy may not be a big-name who is going to influence anyone who actually matters……but he’s certainly known enough to be influencing men who otherwise may have turned to look at THEMSELVES (yes I know introspection is a crazy concept for guys like him) for their failures/shortcomings in life.

It’s a dangerous world we live in when there is a “miracle pill”, a quick fix, and a (insert random group) to blame for everything a person DOESN’T do to be responsible for their own lives.

Our good friend Jimmy-The-Jew, here is just one of them.*

Yes, Gentlemen....THIS is the man you are asking for advice on picking up ladies.....(Note: The....errr..."artwork" done to this pic wasn't done by me. This is the way the photo was when I saved it, lol)

*Yes, Ladies I know…..it’s hard to control yourself in the presence of such an Adonis, but please try to remain calm for the sake of our female dignity.*

Update:  Much like I expected….some of Roissy’s shrieking henchman came here telling me I have “stepped over the line”.  For a bit on the “history”….this is the first time I have published a “post about Roissy” on my blog.  Roissy has published at least 6 or more posts specifically about me.  Containing personal photos of me AND MY son….which is “unsavory” in the first place.  But he then continued over the past 6 months to try to slander me, give out personal info (like mentioning the town I live in as often as he can) and worst of all posts porno videos and says that it is ME in the video (and isn’t.)  He has publicly posted lies on his blog accusing me of prostitution AND pornography and attached my photos to the (complete lies) he is telling.

I never really bothered posting about it here on my blog, because anyone who knows me in real life knows those things aren’t true and are ridiculous…..but that doesn’t change the fact that Roissy likes to go and play in people’s lives and slander innocent people for his own amusement and to up his blog stats without remorse and without even having  a good motive to do it.  Just because it gets him attention.

Well I think it’s high time someone finally fixed his little red wagon, and I’m certainly the woman for the job

*Update:  November 25*

Here is another address that is identical except for a different Apartment number…..ooops guess it WAS a residential address….silly old me with my tiny female brain…..

Wiedmann, James C

Age:40-44

1778 Lanier Pl NW, Apt 8B

Washington, DC 20009-2190

*This is dedicated RIGHT to Roissy for the post back in June where he posted my son’s name, age, and photo without my permission (and involving kids is the lowest you can go anyhow):*

Address History

• 2 in Washington, DC
• 1 in Chevy Chase, MD
• 1 in Somerville, NJ
• 1 in Ventnor City, NJ
• 1 in Atlantic City, NJ

Aliases

• James Wiedmann
• Jim Wiedmann
• James Charles Weidman

Relatives

• L Wiedmann
• Catherine R Wiedmann
• Lisa A Wiedmann

*Ouuuuuuuuuuuch, Jimmy*

So in the two months since we broke-up, the last three weeks of which we’ve been “not e-mailing”, China Man and I have exchanged …

77 e-mails.

And we’ve schedule a Skype chat for Thanksgiving day, which China Man dubbed “a Thanksgiving date.”  I’m not ready to call it that again for reasons I mentioned >>here<<.  Perhaps I’ll bring those reasons up when we talk.  Or not.  Whatever.

Just thought it was funny that we’ve supposedly been not e-mailing, but have sent all those e-mails to each other.

FYI – we’re approaching our one year “anniversary” of when we first connected…  Dec. 3, 2008.

not too long ago i updated my status to say “i am woman, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, i love my curves and i do eat! and that’s sexy”… quite a few of my friends chimed in that they loved it, most of whom were guys… and it got me to thinking… ladies, here’s a news flash… at the end of the day a sexy woman isn’t always the most attractive nor is the most attractive woman sexy. sexiness has absolutely nothing to do with the size clothes you wear or the numbers on the scale. sexiness is found in how you feel about yourself.

when you feel good about yourself, when you love who you are flaws and all, it naturally shows as confidence to the people around you. they see you as self assured and you move more easily as you interact with the world around you. that’s not to say that you are all over every person you see, throwing yourself at them….nope, not saying that. what i’m saying is that when you feel good about you, you feel more at ease in dealing with whomever you find attractive because you have your a-game on.

what men say they find sexy:

• your curves, proportionate bodies, smooth lines – “enough to grab but not so much that you drown” (and yes that’s what one of my guy friends said)
• your smile
• twinkle or light in your eyes (that thing that says “yep, i have a spark”)
• the scent you wear – some love the way you smell naturally as well as the scents you wear
• the way you walk
• the way you wear your hair
• you with natural skin, minimal make up – they like to see the real you (the one they wake up next to) and the made up you (take care of your self from the inside out and you’ll have nothing to hide)
• you in their t-shirt and your undies
• you in lingire
• you naked
• you in heels
• you in flats

do you see the trend? it’s all about YOU and YOUR CONFIDENCE. when you feel good, you believe that you look good and you act differently than when you don’t feel good or don’t feel attractive. so being healthy/fit (taking care of yourself without obsessing over it) helps a lot in making you feel good…

the reality is most men don’t know a size 2 from a size 0, but they do know the difference between cup sizes…lol why? because if they are with you, you’ve already passed the first hurdle – physical attractiveness to them….. they find you attractive so enjoy it.

be you and enjoy it.