I’d like to say right now that I’ve passed a milestone.  Just a few minutes ago, I had the first female in my life ever to tell me to put the toilet seat down.  Aside from the slight embarrassment (and huge flush of relief that came to realize that she saw it up before her mom did), I felt a sense of… becoming- not quite pride, but accomplishment; the feeling of passing on into being not just a boy, but maybe even a man.

My 21st birthday is in 3 days.

I’ve been thinking about it for about 5 months now, and I’ve finally decided that I am, in contradiction of everything I’ve said before, going to cut my hair.  Yes, I’ve said before that I don’t:

1)  go around wearing what I wear or looking what I look like just to make things easier for everyone else.  I do this for ME.
2)  follow gender stereotypes, because if I think that’s what makes me a man, then I might as well just pack up and go home.
3)  want to go through transition for the sake of being a man, I do it for the sake of being MYSELF.

I still hold to those standards, but the funny thing is, I feel like a completely different person today than I did five months ago.  I feel that short hair would suit me better as I am, that I’m really not trying to live up to that scruffy biker/metalhead image anymore, that I want a softer, shaggy, more boyish cute faggy look as I settle into my male self.  (Plus Hilary Swank looked awfully cute in short hair in Boys Don’t Cry.)  In fact, I could go on listing a thousand reasons I’ve changed my mind- it doesn’t matter.  I will never abandon my resolution to be myself, and if I tried to hold to an image that I was before but not now, just to prove something to anyone else, then I’ve lost sight of that.

This cutting of my hair will also mark the passing of another landmark, no matter how I try to downplay it.  I’ve had long hair for my entire life, as long as I can remember, and losing it will almost be a point of no return.  I may grow my hair long again, in the future when my features have masculinized again, but for now, this is my aggressive visual act of manhood to those around me.  It says, “this isn’t just something I’m saying, or a phase.  I’m serious about this.”  If nothing else, I hope that it will be a constant reminder of what pronoun to use.

So, I’ve decided that, the night before I get it done, I’m going to make almost a ceremonial gesture, an act of severance to the female life behind me.  My friends and I are going to go out for a night on the town, and I’m going in full drag as a female.  There will be nothing questionable about it- I’ll be gussied up in every way possible, from corset to makeup and hairdo, head to toe.  It will be very symbolic as the last time I ever don the female garb, and at the end of the night I’ll remove every piece and say goodbye to the life behind me.

I’m calling it my Severance Ball: my rite of passage from a female body into a male one, and I feel that at the end of that night, I will have no regrets and will never look back.

Part I:

1.) What specific experience will you undertake the task of, and take responsibility for, expressing? What is the concrete historical context?

I believe I want to express the experience of confusion and apprehension that accompanies a child while “coming out”—publically expressing their sexual preference—to those around them (friends, parents, family, and strangers).

A. Historically, I want this expression to take place in the late twentieth to early twenty-first century. An era in which homosexuality is widely accepted, although still highly debated. (Vermont’s 1999 same-sex benefits, Hawaii’s ruling against same-sex marriage in 1999, Canada’s same-sex benefits Supreme Court ruling in 1999, Quebec and Ontario recognition of same-sex marriages in 2002-03, Mass. Gay-Marriage legalization in 2003. According to A Decade of Violence: Hate Crimes Based on Sexual Orientation, 13,798 reported hate related incidents have occurred based on sexual orientation in the US from 1993-1998). I would also like this expression to take place in a Southern state where “old South” traditionalism would antagonize the situation.

B. This expression will explore the realm of identity discovery, and the controversial issue of sexuality. This issue can be tied to various other degrees in the “matrix” of  life, including religion as well as family dynamics.

2.) “Explanation” or “account” of this experience from a conventional view? What is the dominant understanding?

In the very recent era, there have been several key events that can add an understanding of this experience. Although homosexuality is now more widely accepted than in the past, the reversal of several key Supreme Court decisions giving gay rights widespread validity has brought the issue to the forefront of the media and the lives of homosexual/confused/experimenting individuals within the US, primarily those of a young age striving to understand their identity themselves. It is the dominant understanding in modern society that homosexuality is not a “violent” issue, however, it causes vast emotional struggles between said individuals and those around them.

Source: Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, Homosexuality, http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/homosexuality/

3.) Personal resonance for you in the present?

Being a homosexual female in the modern era who disclosed her sexual preference to her parents a mere two years ago, I feel I have an extremely strong sense of familiarity with this subject. My own personal struggles with family, friends, and the public in general  in regards to my lifestyle will be instrumental in constructing the expression of the experience of my imagined protagonist. Because this topic is so controversial and there is no “correct” or even “usual” response across the public, it allows for great creativity as well.

4.) One cultural narrative or image that is prominent in your memory?

One of the most disturbing depictions of homosexual hatred and identity confusion I have ever seen was in the form of Boys Don’t Cry (1999), a movie starred in by Hilary Swank and directed by Kimberly Pierce that expresses the experience of Brandon Teena, a transgendered teen who was brutally raped and murdered by two “friends” upon their discovery of his lifestyle choice.

I viewed this film approximately a year after I came out to my parents, a phase in which I was very interested in exploring my lifestyle choice on a broader level. Although I obviously encountered nowhere near the amount of resistance depicted in this account, it made me realize how blessed I was for the support of those around me, and instilled in me a sense of empathy for those who cannot be open with themselves because of those around them, as well as a need to help those individuals.

5.) One “forgotten” (overlooked, neglected) aspect or element?

This topic has been so greatly explored in modern popular culture (literature, cinema, etc), that I believe almost all aspects of the issue have been depicted in one way or another. I’m sure this answer will come to me upon further thought.

6.) One lesson (abstract) and one technique (specific) from one of our relay novels, that you will implement?

I believe one of the most useful lessons I will implement in regards to the expression of my proposed experience can be witnessed in Silko’s “Ceremony”, allowing us as readers to understand that cultural background (belief, religion, family) is an instrumental and influential feature in the manner in which we shape and grade our actions.

Perhaps I will use intertwining literature from various sources while expressing this experience to bolster the emotions felt and understood by my protagonist. (song lyrics, poems, literary quotes, etc.)

7.) A potential interface? A potential figure? (expressively)

I believe a cultural interface would be most useful when constructing my expression. Perhaps my figure will be musically or literarily inclined (such as myself), and I will be permitted to use allusions and citations from a myriad number of sources to reinforce the experience.

Part II:

“Pain. I seem to have an affection, a kind of sweettooth for it. Bolts of lightning, little rivulets of thunder. And I the eye of the storm.” (Jazz, Toni Morrison)

“And I don’t want the world to see me, ‘cause I don’t think that they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.” (Iris, Goo Goo Dolls)

This song quote expresses the feeling of hopelessness felt by someone who believes he/she is not understood by those around them. It also expresses a sense of desire for identity, “soulful”, personal understanding by one person around them, the “you” in reference.

Weepy. That was me, yesterday. Tears of joy, and yes – sentimentality. Remembering poignant moments when my sons were younger, and realizing that my second little bird will fly the nest before I know it. Tears, and more tears. All good.

What makes you cry?

Men and tears

Boys don’t cry.

How many times have we heard that uttered as an instruction, or said it ourselves? We teach boys to display a more restrictive set of emotions than girls.

My own sons (raised by me) were encouraged to feel and express a breadth of emotions – and certainly saw their share from me. I also taught them that what is fine in private is not necessarily fine in public. Tears were allowed. Still, they stopped crying in the tween years. I’ve seen them cry since, but it is rare. Because of that, when it happens, I know the pain is extreme.

Women and tears

I won’t say that girls and women cry all the time, but we aren’t judged for crying. So we do so, more often and more easily. Perhaps because we do so more often and more easily, we aren’t judged for crying?

Crying is one of the few ways in which women have greater freedom than men. In fact, it is often expected that we cry at weddings, films, memories, or over stress. Some of us do. Some of us don’t. Do our tears help?

I have known men who cry

As babies and children, crying is as natural as laughing. What happens as we grow up, especially to our men?

In my recent years of dating and relationships, I have encountered men who cry. It’s not an everyday experience, but I find the honesty of the emotion reassuring, along with the willingness to express it. To me, vulnerability is a plus, not a weakness.

Emotions make us uncomfortable

We live in a culture where emotions make us uncomfortable. Happiness? Fine. Anger? Ironically, also acceptable. My observation: when a woman might cry (appropriately), a man will display anger. Perhaps because what’s acceptable in a woman is less so in a man? A cultural shortcoming?

We know how to respond to smiles. They’re infectious – and who doesn’t want to feel good and be happy? We’re less equipped to deal with someone’s grief, sadness, or confusion. We’re less able to listen, to embrace, to console. Tears make us uncomfortable.

Do we need more skills in expressing and responding to a broader set of natural human behaviors and emotions?

When is it appropriate and acceptable to cry?

A breakup, an injury, a death, or the jubilation of a long-awaited event are all appropriate reasons to shed a tear. We are allowed to cry when someone dies, or abandons us. We are allowed to celebrate life with tears, and we may do so (in moderation) in public, and in private.

Where do we stow our emotions when they are disallowed? The extreme  frustrations and pressures that we face daily – in jobs, with kids, with spouses and partners when things are on a rocky path? Especially if we’re tired or in physical discomfort, which adds more stress to the mix?

Wouldn’t it be easier to shed a tear of joy, or pain, and experience the release that comes afterward?

In your experience -

• What do you think of men who cry, or who never cry?
• What do you think of women who cry too much?
• Do you cry more since you’ve had children?
• Do you cry in front of your children?
• Did you ever see your father cry?

© D A Wolf

Big Little Wolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy

So I’m a little late on the uptake for this one.  I tried my damnedest to find some way to watch it on the TGDoR, but nothing really wanted to work out for me on that day, period, and I wound up stranded at my trans-non-sympathetic friend’s house.  He accepts me well enough, but he doesn’t really see that there’s a tragedy going on with these people, thinks the surgery is “cosmetic” and didn’t do more than shrug when I told him what day it was, or the Statistics.  I started thinking, sometimes the ones that don’t care are worse than the ones who damn us.

But then I watched Boys Don’t Cry.

Don’t get me wrong, I know the story front to back, watched the documentary on Youtube, read the blogs and news journals, but they don’t take you into the experience of the story like the movie does.  And I tend to relate very heavily to a given character when I watch a movie, whether I’ve got much in common with him or not.  Brandon was Me in too many ways for me to even feel comfortable with, before we even got to the bad part of the movie.  (Well, except in the juvenile delinquent sort of way.)

Anyway, I got to sit down properly with my boyfriend last night and watch it (until his mom got home, at which point I got to sit down awkwardly and stiffly and watch it.  I don’t think she likes me and she’d like me even less if she knew I was a guy.)  But as awful as it was, it was worth watching.  He gripped my hand tight through the worst of it.  The rape scene WAS the hardest part to watch, but I think most of the horror of it all washed over my head until the end of the movie.  I think I sat there staring blankly at the screen for about five minutes.  And then his mom told us dinner was on the stove and she left the room, and then I got my plate and sat with it and I couldn’t eat, and then I noticed there were tears dripping onto my plate, and I just sat there like a statue until reality snapped back and I had to go to the bathroom to blow my nose.

I’m trying to think of the only other movie that made me cry.  I can’t remember.

(Might have been Wrath of Khan.)

So on one hand it kinda left me feeling scarred for life, and on the other hand it brought home how dangerous it is out there, really sort of made the danger and hurt mine to own and internalize, really sparked a spirit to do something about this in me.  I’m not sure what yet, but it’s brewing.  After all, I’m only 20.

…

And that brings home another point.  Last night I stared at my boyfriend’s calendar and started shaking when I realized I have no more than three weeks to come out to my dad if I want him to know about this before my 21st birthday.

I don’t know how to cope.

I’m just scared of how things are going to change around here when he knows.  We’re really tight these days; he’s slowly been turning me into a Trekkie by ordering the first season of Star Trek through Netflix.  Whenever we go out to do yardwork or something together, I call him Captain and he calls me Mr. Spock.  It’s really dorky but it’s something we share, and I think he’s somehow slowly coming to understand me by it.  I don’t want it to end, but in that same way, I don’t want our relationship, as good as it is, to be fake in any way.  I don’t want to be whatever he wants me to be just to preserve our friendship.  I have more respect for him than that.

…

On a happier note, I came up with a name for my… upper region that’s better than “tumors” or even “moobs”.  They are my chestnuts.

wOOt

I’m feeling baffled and lonesome today.  Not only did my car break down so I couldn’t go to any trans sympathetic events today, but all of my friends seem to be busy.  But if I have to light a candle all by myself today in remembrance, I’ll do it.  This day is weighing heavier on me than I thought it would.

I couldn’t sleep this morning.  I got up before 6 and started writing my coming out letter to my dad.  It’s now probably around five or six pages, and from here it’s just paring it down into something he can process.  I needed to start working on it today, even though I’m planning on not coming out until shortly before my 21st birthday next month.  I want to have time to let it sit and ruminate, decide what to share and what to keep.  Even now I feel I’ve left a ridiculous amount out, but I don’t think it’s the kind of thing he can take in one sitting, anyway.  I want to provide him with so much so that he can understand it- I just don’t know how much he can get his head around in one letter, and if he can’t, what the most important thing is to include on his first experience with this, just in case he won’t want to listen to any more of it.  I may post my rough draft next time I post.

…

I’m on a quest to find other trans people in the county, because I’ve heard rumors through a friend of a friend about a friend or two they may have.  I don’t really have enough information to go on, but I’m pretty good at internet sleuthing, so I feel that if I dig around with just the right nugget of information, I may uncover something.  I just feel like I’m on the coattails of finding someone around here who’s like me.  I don’t find much support in the queer community, that’s for sure- I’m tired of hanging around with people who either need to be educated, or don’t want to hear it.  I need to get to know someone who already knows.

But, of course, there’s the whole problem of said possibly-existant person being the sort who loves their stealth and doesn’t want it uncovered by anyone, even other trans people.  I don’t know how to broach that line.  All I know is, I don’t want to be alone in this anymore.

…

One of my old friends from high school- one of the first friends I made, in fact, in Math- I just came out to him.  He sort of figured it out on his own.  I was never actually too incredibly close with him, he was just more of a fun guy to be around but not listed among my top friends.  But the funny thing is, he’s taking this trans thing like a regular pro, treating me just like one of the guys- just the way he’s always treated me, really- and trying harder than anyone to get my name right.  It’s great, he’s like a brother.  We got in an arm punching contest yesterday- I think he stopped pulling his punches when I punched his arm with such force that he stumbled back into his porch door.  It was awesome.  Now I have some bruises that feel just great.  No, I mean that.  I’ve never actually been in a fight before, and I don’t count slugging contests either.  I don’t think I have nearly enough battle scars.  It feels good to get some aggression out once in a while and I’m thinking about getting into some kind of combat class, maybe a martial art, maybe boxing.  I know for a FACT I want to start working out at a gym of some sort- I wish I could afford a membership, but I think the community college equipment is available with permission.  But I’m really getting off track here.

It’s just awesome to have a guy friend who I can joke around with and be a guy with- a straight guy friend, no sexual tension, I’d like to emphasize- and one who really knows what I’m about.  I think this is a major uplift in my life right now.

…

I’d like to do only one thing for sure before the day is over.  I’d like to rent and watch “Boys Don’t Cry.”  I think one of my other friends is coming over to pick me up today, so I was hoping we could stop and grab it at the video rental.  It’s important to be able to watch it today, on this day, if nothing else.  I wish I could spread the word to as many of my friends as possible about the dangers of being trans, but for now all I can do is keep writing, light my candles and watch a movie.

I feel a little… useless today.

Spirits soar when I’m by her side

She put a little love in this heart of mine

Maybe I’m lucky, maybe I’m freed

Maybe this woman’s just all I need.

Rod Stewart sang about rapture in his1984 hit “Infatuation.” For those experienced in the euphoria of another person, Stewart’s catchy tune is relatable and as infectious as the sheer and utter control a brand new love interest can invoke. The feeling incites a powerful out-of-body encounter compelling the abandonment of inhibitions, convictions, and objectivity.

Tales of lustful binges is nothing new in story-telling. By capturing the interest and hearts of its voyeuristic followers through the guise of crazy passion, consumers are sometimes asked to step beyond hetero-normative expectations to consider variations of the male-female experience. This happens in “Edward Scissorhands,” “Beauty and the Beast,” “King Kong,” and, more recently, “Boys Don’t Cry.”

In “Boys Don’t Cry,” Lana’s urges to abandon her dead-end, cash-strapped, small-town existence are compounded by new and intriguing love interest, Brandon.

Hastened by his outward charm and likability, Brandon exposes a turning point for Lana which invites her to think beyond her original desires, mundane as they are, to include him. It appeals to Lana and her unexamined life—fragile, reactionary, fleeting—without pause for consequence, even losing recognition of her self-identity.

Nothing special happens in Lana’s life until Brandon appears. Her reaction toward Brandon is less desperation, more compromise, less risk-taker, more “I’ll take what I can get.” An unspoken, non-binding agreement ensues between the two.

Writing about the couple, Dr. Judith Halberstam concludes, “Exclusion and privilege cannot be assigned neatly to (them) on the basis of gender or class hierarchies; power, rather, is shared between the two subjects. (Lana) agrees to misrecognize (Brandon) as male while he sees through her social alienation and unhappiness, recognizing her as beautiful, desirable, and special” (89).

Caught me down like a killer shark

It’s like a railroad running right through my heart

Jekyll and Hyde the way I behave

Feel like I’m running on an empty gauge.

Lustful indulgence propels the story’s secondary heterosexual characters, Tom and John, to lose control forcibly raping Brandon in the movie’s latter half. Beforehand, viewers become familiar with two irrational, amoral, narrow-minded, self-serving males who seem to affirm each other’s vicious behaviors with their mere participation. After all, Brandon was paid a lesson for his dishonesty, reminded of who the real men are.

Early in the morning I can’t sleep

I can’t work and I can’t eat

I’ve been drunk all day I can’t concentrate

Maybe I’m making a big mistake.

Following the act, glimpses of their remorse are revealed through Tom and John’s attempted lies and cover-ups—the recognition that assault, especially that of their queer acquaintance, will prompt them and others to question their sexuality. This appears to underscore sexuality’s frailty. “…the cultural energy involved in disciplining gender and sexuality suggests how fragile those institutions actually are; if…gender and sexuality are achievements rather than givens, then sexual identity is complex, incomplete, and unstable” (104) says author Diane Raymond.

Oh, no, not again

It hurts so good

I don’t understand

Infatuation.

It is infatuation that pushes us forward past our limits, propelling us beyond our normal capacity. It is this unbridled lust that drives the movie’s characters in their actions.

Halberstam, Judith. In a Queer Time and Place. New York: New York UP, 2005.

Raymond, Diane. Popular Culture and Queer Representation: A Critical Perspective. Thousand Oaks: Sage P, 2003.

Stewart, Rod, Duane Hitchings and Roland Robinson. Infatuation. EMI/Full Keel Music P, 1984.

I think things in my life were getting too good.  I was getting too nervous about being on top of things.  Nothing bad’s happened yet, but with some trepidation I stepped away from my gay little friend with the delicious cock and all the other contraband I’ve been enjoying too much.  I’ve been away from him for three days for the first time in two weeks and I’m just waiting in my storm shelter for the world to collapse around me.  I’ve spent well enough time with my boyfriend in a sort of repentence about making him jealous that I don’t feel so guilty anymore.  But still, I don’t think I can dance away from this fire so easily without getting burned.  Nothing in this life ever works out so easily.  Nothing.  Whether he wants to admit it or not, I’ve hurt him, at least as much as he hurt me, maybe more.  I know I enjoyed it more than he did.  I waited longer.  How can you fall in love with someone and wait for five years to see it come to fruition, and not feel like you’ve cheated the devil somewhere along the line?  There’s an equivalent exchange and a consequence for everything, so I must be paying for what I’ve taken somewhere.  I’m just not seeing it yet.

…

On other things, there’s this amazing webcomic my bf sent me that is a huge artistic statement for the LGBT movement in my opinion: Khaos Komix.  It takes a while getting to the point (at least for us), but by about part four or five, everything explodes and you’re glad you read it.

…

What else is there?  Oh yes, the Trans Day of Remembrance on the 20th.  I live 109 miles from the nearest event sympathetic to the holiday and I’d like to be in San Francisco (165 miles) for the big protest event, but I can hardly afford to drive to the store these days, let alone take a road trip.  I’d like to make an effort to bring my friends together and light a couple of candles, but I’m afraid their attitude is less than accommodating.  The general consensus (not spoken, but just inferred by their blase attitude) seems to be…

“Not my fight.”

I’d like to bring my friends together and try to watch “Boys Don’t Cry,” (which I haven’t seen yet, just watched the Brandon Teena documentary in 12 parts on youtube), and I hope to change that attitude.

I know that I need to spread awareness of the trans battle beyond those of us it applies to if I hope to make the world a safer place for the oppressed.

-Calvin Jack Thomas

Hon har beskrivits som “den första att göra en könskorrigering” och “den transsexuella dansken” – och jag menar inte Christine Jorgenssen som är den mest kända, utan Lili Elbe. Jag har bloggat om henne förut, i samband med att det blev känt att hennes liv ska bli film. Svenska Daniel Alfredsson har fått Nicole Kidman att tacka ja till huvudrollen, och Gwyneth Paltrow som Lilis fru Gerda i The Danish Girl.

Idag hittar jag en intervju med Kidman i Nöjesbladet, där hon förklarar:

“I nuläget har jag ingen aning om vilken sorts research jag ska göra för att kunna spela man”

Jag kan ju ge henne ett insidertips:

Spela inte man. Spela en kvinna med manlig kropp.

Förmodligen är du för välkänd för att kunna göra som Hilary Swank gjorde inför Boys Don’t Cry: Hon provade på att klä sig som man och röra sig ute för att verkligen få uppleva hur det är att vara transperson, när hon skulle spela Brandon Teena. Synd, för annars är det förmodligen den bästa research du kan göra. Det, och att lyssna mer på transpersoner själva än på någon annan.

Läs även andra bloggares intressanta åsikter om Nicole Kidman, Gwyneth Platrow, Lili Elbe, Daniel Alfredsson, transsexualism, könskorrigering, historia, transpersoner, HBTQ, kultur, film, Danmark, kön, genus, könsroller, kändisar, skådespelare, The Danish Girl, Hollywood, män, kvinnor, Boys Don’t Cry, Hilary Swank, könsbyten, drag, research, Einar Wegener, Gerda Wegener

it is with fondness and melancholy that i remember that it could’ve been five years today except that it will never be because of almost five months ago. but i’m okay now, i think.

there was a female cover of the cure’s “boys don’t cry” from an obscure compilation by jam 88.3 which will always remind me of 2004, when it was blaring over the speakers of every stinky, dirty, speeding bus i was on then. it also happens to be a nice ending track to a playlist. (click on “boys don’t cry” in this playlist. check out the lovely arrangement around the instrumental. sorry, don’t know how to rip mp3s from myspace)

I would say I’m sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I’ve said too much
Been too unkind

I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
’cause boys don’t cry
Boys don’t cry

I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It’s too late
And now there’s nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
’cause boys don’t cry

I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it’s no use
That you’ve already
Gone away

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
’cause boys don’t cry
Boys don’t cry
Boys don’t cry

I Ragazzi Non Piangono

Ti direi, mi dispiace,
Se pensassi che ti farebbe cambiare idea
Ma so che questa volta
Ho detto troppo
Sono stato troppo scortese

provo a riderci su
A coprire tutto con delle bugie
Provo a riderci su
Nascondendo le lacrime nei miei occhi
Perché i ragazzi non piangono
I ragazzi non piangono

Mi inginocchierei ai tuoi piedi
E chiedere perdono
Ti chiederei clemenza*
Ma so che è troppo tardi
E ora non c’è niente che posso fare

Così provo a riderci su
A coprire tutto con delle bugie
provo a riderci su
Nascondendo le lacrime nei miei occhi
Perché i ragazzi non piangono
I ragazzi non piangono

Ti direi
Che ti ho amata
Se pensassi che ciò ti farebbe restare.
Ma so che non servirà
Perché tu sei già
Andata via

Ho giudicato male i tuoi limiti
Ho tirato troppo la corda con te
Ti ho dato per scontata
Ho pensato che avessi bisogno di più di me

Ora farei praticamente tutto
Per riportarti da me
Invece continuo soltanto a ridere
Nascondendo le lacrime nei miei occhi
Perché i ragazzi non piangono
I ragazzi non piangono
I ragazzi non piangono

Ieri sera ho visto le foto delle vacanze di un’amica, erano montate con Boys Don’t Cry dei Cure come colonna sonora. Per me questa canzone sa di pedalate fino all’ultimo respiro, sere umide, scoperte e amicizie finite chissà dove. Il video originale restituisce bene la sensazione che provo di essere attraversata dal tempo che passa come fosse una lama incandescente.

Space Invader 'Boys Don't Cry' Edition of 40 Size: 70 x 70 cm €200 Each

Here is another cool print by the artist Space Invader, this was part of his Top 10 show. This print is called ‘Boys Don’t Cry’ and it is an homage to The Cure’s album with the same name. It is an 8 colour 70 x 70 cm screen print with an edition size of 40, they come signed and numbered for €200 each.

Check it out HERE

Alguém me explica o problema do sexto colocado?

So I just got a $60 bad haircut today. What can you say when you keep giving suggestions and it just keeps getting worse and worse… you hear the *reeee* of the chair of the next waiting customer as she’s craning her big-permed neck to see if you have finally finished.

What does it look like?

I just realized that Boys Don’t Cry is going to be on TV in an hour. It might be the scariest movie I’ll ever see, but I want to try and watch it. I’ve made a promise to myself: I’m going to stop watching if the film gets too strong. Maybe I should switch off the TV as soon as Brandon is about to get raped. Has anyone seen it? Should I avoid the ending?

Edit: The TV guide was wrong — Boy’s Don’t Cry isn’t showing. I still intend to watch it someday.

Boys Don’t Cry

I was sitting on the floor of a corridor in school at lunch break earlier today, waiting for my next class to start. I had my earphones plugged in as I watched Boys Don’t Cry for the first time. I must have looked slightly crazy to the people passing by, because my face was all scrunched up. I would catch myself sometimes, but inevitably end up with the same scrunched up face all over again.

The movie was extremely intense. I couldn’t help but feel so involved.

I’d gotten used to sugarcoating in the movies I’d been watching, but there was none of that here. I was being thrown into a world I wasn’t ready for, and I didn’t know what to do. It was harsh, without even a heartwarming ending to make up for the emotional torture. If there was even a hint of happiness, it was bittersweet.

Scenes from the movie may cause disgust. The characters themselves certainly will not fail to. It’s difficult to learn to like a single one. Whereas other stories are about those people you know you should hate but you just can’t help but love, these people, I couldn’t seem to love. And it had nothing to do with the issue of Brandon’s being transgendered. It was just that no one could seem to do anything right, even by the lowest standard of simply acting with decency towards one another. There was so too much deceit and too little respect.

From disturbed people living in a world driven by the unnatural high of drugs, and drowning in the intoxication of alcohol, you cannot expect much. I say this as objectively as possible.

But as much of a challenge it was to watch the whole movie, it was an eye-opener. Sure, we hear about violence against transgendered people. We hear about violence about minorities in general. But we don’t see it quite as often, so we’re given the lucky privilege of choosing not to know. Not anymore.

Boys Don’t Cry, while partly fictionalized, is based on the true story of a real Brandon Teena.

This is the cold, hard truth right in front of your eyes. Don’t shut them.

This post was supposed to be about her,but i guess its impossible to talk about either without mentioning the other,so now its about both of them.I know thoughts and lines might be mixed,going back and forth but i cant keep my head straight,i just hope that i am able to do a decent job of this.

I have been wanting to write about this and hope in some way to get it out of my system,at different times when i have been feeling down or i have been seeing her suffer,i have written lines in my head but never actually put them down,and its time i did,i really do need to get it out of me.I know even writing pages and pages of how i feel and what not is not going to take away the pain or the memories,or the hurt that i feel every day when i see her.How at times i stay late at work just so i dont come home when she is in one of those moods.

The one person i really feel bad for is my dad,who is there with her 24/7,he has no friends,he does nothing all day but be by her side to take care of her,not trusting anyone not even his own children to care of their mother,and to be honest we wouldnt be able to,no one can do what he does.He was a different man 6 years ago,he is clearly older,more tired,weaker,i have got to know him more then i ever knew him over the last 5 years,grown closer to him.He is not the hero or the super man that i had in my mind,my dad the risk taker business man who had nothing when he was 18 years old and by the time he was 45 he had everything and more that 18 year old would have wished for.Today i know that he would not have achieved half of it if it wasnt for my mother,she was the corner stone,the support,both of them together built everything,raised their 5 children and gave them everything they wanted,life was perfect for them.

He loves her,even a blind man can see it,even today.Even though the woman today that looks like my mum and has her voice is nothing like my mother,my mummy.Its not her.The strong willed woman who kept her family together,ran her own business for 20 years,raised 5 kids,and yet had time to help others.The risk taker,the super woman,the hero,it was her all along not my dad,but i didnt know that as well as i do today.

He is a hero,the superman and much more to me today then he ever was to me when i was growing up,i cant imagine anyone,no one in this world who would go through and live the life he has for the last 4 years,no matter how much they loved the other person,specially if you love them.You can not spend every hour of each day for so many years,watch someone you love,who was everything for you,the person you fought for with your family,the person you left your sect for,the woman who has been your life for  over 35 year.How can you stay there and watch her change,change so much for the last 5 years that today to me she is not my mother,yes she looks like her but its not her.He sits there by her side knowing that she is going to die,there is no cure for it,nothing that he does can bring her back or make her better,yet he is there every second watching,waiting,taking care of her.I cant imagine his pain,what he goes through every day,every minute,every second that he is there with her.Not only have i lost my mother but i feel at times that i am watching my dad die a little everyday and i cant do anything about it,cant do anything but cry when i can.

She doesnt remember much,answers a few questions when she is in a good mood,this past week she didnt know who i was,not my name,asked her if she was my mum (my sister and i do this with her a lot,asking her whose mom she is and 90% of the time she takes my name) she didnt know.

One name she doesnt forget though is of my dad,and i dread the day that she forgets his name,and i pray to God that it doesnt happen because its going to end any hope he has.We always ask her if abba is nice or not,and the answer every time is along the lines of he is the best,no one can be like him,and of her praying for his health,even today when she doesnt know where she is,who we all are,she remembers him and calls for him every 2 or 3 mins ,we get sick of it but abba replies every time,every time.

I honestly didnt know him to well,only that i have been working with him for the last 4 years or so that i have become close to him and have gotten to know the person then him just being abba.If there ever was a saint,i have lived with him.Not that he is perfect,a whole list of flaws.But the last 5 years cover every flaw and mistake that he has ever made.

I just wish i was a better son,i could do better then i do,and meet whatever expectations that he has off me,i wish and hope that he is not disappointed and that i am not a failure,that in some way he is proud of me.

All of us have changed over the last 5 years with her,our lives have changed,i dont know if i have become a better person or not,if i have done enough,maybe i havent.I guess i have started doubting myself,questioning and second guessing myself,something i never did before.I dont know if i am stronger or weaker today,all i know is i wish i wasnt sitting here at 4 am on a sat night,day of the first fast and writing this.I wish i was down stairs with my mummy and abba having sehri.

I thank God when ever i can for everything that he has given me,i might not thank him every day but i do complain,i let him know that i do not understand why this has happened to her.I hope i get a chance to ask him one day and that i am able to understand why.

Here are the results of one long afternoon of me and my friends messing around with Garageband on my Macbook Pro (turn it up loud because the songs were recorded at a low level):

Boys Don’t Cry (The Cure)

Jason- drums

Jake- guitar, vocals

Andy- bass

Extinction (The Soft Pack)

Jason- drums

Jake- rhythm guitar

Andy- bass, lead guitar, vocals

Grinding Halt (The Cure)

Jason- drums

Jake- guitar, vocals

Andy- bass

12_51 (The Strokes)

Jason- drums, handclaps

Jake- guitar, vocals, handclaps

Andy- guitar, bass, handclaps