Having sex with an ex is never a way to get over the relationship so you must only engage if this is purely a sexual act and not a means to get back together. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way.

After our break up, I was furious, sad and mostly heart-broken. We hadn’t talked for months, I missed him but as time went by, I didn’t miss him that much. Then I got a phone call from him. We met up and I invited him back to my place. Of course we started kissing, touching and took it to the bedroom for more. As soon as the clothes came off, I started crying. I couldn’t do it. I wanted to. I thought, if I did, we would get back together and everything was going to be okay again. But it wouldn’t help me trust him again and it wouldn’t make up for the fact that he stepped out on me when we were together.

I gave it some time before our next attempt. This time, we did it and it was the most dirty kind of sex I’ve ever had. By this time, I was just angry. Not sad. Not heart-broken. Just angry enough to fuck and leave. That’s exactly what I did. No cuddling, no cute talk, no I-love-yous. I meant business and it was hot sex. He was hard and ready to go. I was aroused and had my game face on.

It was good because we already knew each other’s bodies. He knew what to do to turn me on and I knew how to make a grown man moan. From then on, we occasionally met to work through our anger. The key here is not do it THAT often. It can get boring. Oh yeah, and DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL!!! Ladies, you are notorious for this.

There have been times where I felt like I was “falling in love” with him again. Then I came and realized that it was just a way for me to get off. He will do the same thing. Tell you he loves you. How much he misses you and wants you back. It’s all just head games to get him off. It’s like talking dirty. So don’t believe anything you hear or mean anything you say when you’re having ex-sex.

I was dating other guys, carried on with my life but you know when you’ve had a bad day at work and all you want to do is go home and flop in front of the couch with a giant tub of ice cream? Well, I went to another source of comfort. As time goes by, life goes on… and I don’t go running to comfort anymore. That’s when you’re over it. But until then, enjoy the sex. The uninhibited, raw and sexy kind that you see in porn.

on the tails of another break-up, i am inspired to take a stroll down memory lane with today’s Music Monday. and now ladies and gentlemen, i smugly and somewhat trepidatiously [editor's note: yeah, that's not a word, but whatever. this is my blog. deal with it.] present to you, My Romantic Life in Music Videos. (fyi–not all these are really the sad-schmoopy break-up songs, but rather songs that, for some reason or another, remind me of certain folks…)

First, there was Doug:

Then, there was Geoff (who was so memorable that he gets two songs):

Next up, Anthony:

Then there was several years of Single Sarah:

Then Tom:

And now, Adam:

Once we have encountered someone they are permanently recorded in our memory and not forgotten unless we suffer some sort of catastrophic, irreversible memory loss. The factual details are recorded in our Parent and our emotional responses concerning the person are recorded in our Child – see my previous article on Perspective for a description of the Parent-Adult-Child (PAC) model developed by Thomas A Harris.

Consequently under normal circumstances once we get to ‘know’ someone it is not possible to get to ‘not know’ them or, to use a more common term, ‘forget them’. I think that whenever we encounter someone, however briefly, we establish a relationship that we never really ‘lose’. My view is that it continues to exist in one of the four states depicted below – Harmony, Triggers, Conflict or Resolution.

Even if we never see a person again after a brief encounter, e.g. check-in staff at the airport, one night stand etc, if our parting was on good terms the relationship remains forever in Harmony with no chance of ever entering Conflict because we will never see that person again and we will have warm, pleasant memories of the encounter. If, however, triggers occurred, e.g. the service, sex etc was terrible, this may have led to conflict and the relationship then remains forever in Conflict with no chance of resolution as we never get to see that person again in order to attempt to reach Resolution and restore Harmony.

The more time we spend with a person and the better we get to know them the more chance there is of entering the Conflict state. In his excellent book ‘You Can Be Happy No Matter What’ Richard Carlson says:

“THE THOUGHT SYSTEMS OF OTHERS

We have learned that thoughts with recurring patterns become part of our individualized thought systems. Because our thought systems are self-validating systems (in psychological terminology, closed systems), we are unable to question them, and it will always seem to us that we are seeing life accurately and realistically. Because of this, we tend to question the ways in which others live their lives and the ways they do things, because self-validating systems are very protective of themselves. Information that doesn’t match our existing beliefs will be filtered through our belief system and judged as “inconsistent with the truth,” “a strange way of doings,” “weird,” “unusual,” “different,” and most often, “wrong.”

As we get to know another person better this tendency to question their thought system will increase, not decrease. The more opportunity we have to interact and spend time with other thought systems, the greater is the chance of conflict. This is why the most difficult relationship, for so many people, is marriage. For unmarried people, the most difficult relationship is commonly the person they are closest or most intimate with. In some ways, it seems ironic that we should be most bothered by those to whom we wish to be closest. But it can’t be any other way, unless and until we understand the psychological functioning of ourselves and our partners. Once we do, the opposite will happen. With understanding, we will gain new love and respect for those we choose to spend the most time with. We will retain our positive feelings for them as special and unique people. The issue of our differences will cease to bother us – perhaps it will even become amusing! We will begin to see people as characters, rather than adversaries.”

I agree with Richard…the closer we are to someone the more likely it is that conflict will arise. When we talk about ‘working at a relationship’ I believe what we are saying is that we need to work through resolving conflict whenever it arises and that it is particularly hard work in our closest, most intimate relationships. As time goes on and the relationship evolves the frequency of entering the Conflict state diminishes; in some cases to a point where conflict no longer happens between the parties.

As the diagram shows I believe that the route to conflict is via triggers. These are pre-existing psychological states many of which have not yet been resolved. For example some peoples’ rage is triggered when they are pointed at moving them to the Conflict state while others just shrug and think “hmmm… pointing isn’t polite” and their rage is not triggered hence they remain in the Harmony state avoiding getting anywhere near the Conflict state.

A relationship that has become stuck in the Conflict state is sometimes described as lost. However I believe that there is no situation that cannot be resolved. Whether or not it does get resolved depends on the desire of all parties concerned to reach resolution and return to a state of Harmony. Communication and negotiation play a very important part in resolving conflict – see my previous articles on Communication and Negotiation.

Here are some of the things that I think are common causes of conflict:

Lack of Expectation Management – This is one of the major causes of the build up of anger leading to resentment and rage. This, in turn, results in very serious conflict – see my previous article on Expectations

Mismatching – Mismatching is also a significant cause of conflict. One of our major issues is hoping to match ourselves with others before we get to know ourselves. How can we hope to enter in to an effective match with someone else when we barely know who we are ourselves? This is why I think that introspection is so important – see my previous article on Introspection.

Attachment to Things and Acts – For a variety of reasons we find ourselves drawn to material things and acts of others toward us. Here are a couple of questions we should be asking ourselves:

• Are we falling in love/in love with ‘Our’ things (Our Tune, Our Joke, Our Place, Our Gifts etc) or with the person?
• Are we falling in love/in love with the person or the way we’re being treated?

Where we are in love with things or acts, once others are unable to give these to us anymore a major conflict occurs. The reason being that we no longer have any reason to stay with the person(s) who is (are) no longer a source of the things or acts that we have fallen in love with. So we move on to others who can restore to us what our former partner/friends etc are no longer able to give and leave them devastated. If we are in love with the person(s) and/or simply appreciate them for who they are we stick with them.

Possession or Person – The treatment of a person as a possession always leads to conflict. Whether slavery (actual or metaphoric), excessive jealousy or perceived ownership, the person(s) who is (are) the focus of the possessiveness will eventually rebel either quietly or very loudly.

Contact – Some of us are contact junkies; others of us are quite happy to wait, sometimes extended periods of time, between contacts. This can be a very significant source of conflict. Contact junkies will terminate relationships (or, more accurately in my view, put them in an indefinite state of Conflict) because they are aggrieved that they are not being contacted often enough.

Dominant Parent and/or Child – Where one, both or all parties in a relationship have a dominant Parent and/or Child conflict is inevitable. This is because the weakened or absent Adult is unable to assert the necessary rationality that fosters effective communication and negotiation. If the Adult is dominant and strong in at least one party the conflict can be resolved quickly.

Mental Illness – This in my view is the most disappointing cause of conflict. In my experience most people have taken the view that they did not get involved in a relationship to deal with someone’s psycho behaviour. It is disappointing because all it requires on the part of the person(s) who are mentally healthy is a resolve to assist the mentally ill person recover be it depression, neurosis or whatever.

Negativity – Excessive jealousy, extreme anger (rage), resentment, blaming and fault finding are just a few of the excellent ways to move very quickly to a state of Conflict. My advice is to avoid expressing negativity inappropriately at all costs.

In summary I think that the trick is to stay in the Harmony state. Where this is not possible then the triggers should be removed and/or the conflict resolved as quickly as is practicable.

Stay strong and serene.

I have plans. Lots of them. Like sitting on his porch and wailing. Uncontrollably. For a  really long time. I really think I’ll do it some day. Soon. I wonder if he will just call the police right away? I wonder how long I will have to cry before he’ll call the police. Or maybe he’ll just ignore it and the neighbors will call for him. Will he come out and check? I’m sure he’ll know who it is. I would text him and beg him to  come out and talk to me. Would he? I have no idea. Would he throw things at me and tell me to shut up, would he be scared and just not know what to do? Or would he open the door…ever so slowly and gaze down at me with those brown eyes and say “come on” and offer his hand to help me up. And then he would let me sit on his couch and make me some tea. And we could talk. And be friends. And it would all just be okay. He can have Tina. He can love her and marry her. He doesn’t have to kiss me or love me, or even like me. He doesn’t have to spend time with me or call me. We could just be friends. Like when we see each other switching classes he could smile at me and I at him and we could just know that it’s okay and the past is in the past. Or we could like catch up over coffee every few months or something…

Anyways, my most recent plan, I think I should title it “Plan boy am I ever stupid.” I can never let things go. Ever. Why can’t I just accept that it’s over and move on? Maybe because I don’t want to. Or maybe because I honestly don’t know how. Or maybe it’s because of this stupid stupid STUPID hope bubbling deep inside of me that it’s not over. That he’s coming back and everything will all work out. I have this hope – like in New Moon where Edwards leaves for October….November…and December…and then comes back in Janurary! So I think Michael’s coming back in Janurary. And I think maybe over Christmas break he’ll realize he misses me. Even just as a friend. Fuck romance movies and books. I hate them. They’ve ruined me! I mean look at this! Things don’t always work like the Notebook. Sometimes people honestly leave. Somethimes love really just doesn’t work out.

But sometimes it does. And sometimes people come back. And sometimes things take a turn in a way you never thought they could. But how do you know when to pray for a miracle and when to burn pictures? Anyways, “Plan boy am I ever stupid” goes like this:

While I was visiting the great state of Colorado for Thanksgiving break…I bought him a souvenir. I couldn’t help it. It fit him to perfectly. I didn’t really know what I was going to do with it, I just bought it. So I’ve been thinking…and I think I have a really bad idea that I will most definitely pursue! I want to give him stuff. Not only the Colorado water bottle – but other gifts too. So I went to Starbucks today and got him a giftcard and a CD. And he loves geocaching so I wanted to “gift upgrade” his account there.

I don’t think I’m going to give him any of these in person. I was thinking the water bottle, I’ll just put on his bike during his 9:30 class Tuesday morning. And the starbucks card I can put in his school mailbox. And the geocaching thing is online. I haven’t decided if I want to spread these out somewhat over a few days or just one day.

I’m not sure what I am trying to prove by doing this. I don’t want to “buy” his love back, and I’m not trying to bribe him into anything. I may be trying to buy his attention somewhat…but I think my strongest motivation is really to show him that I want to be his friend. This no-talking thing is really complicated because you don’t ever know what the other person is thinking. So for all I know, he could be thinking that I hate his guts and I am plotting evil plans to kill him. (Those plans I will save for another blog…lol **wink** )

And I’m not sure what I am expecting as a response? Maybe a text message would be nice. Even if it says “why the heck are you buying me stuff?” Surely he’ll know they’re all from me. I’m sure he will. He doesn’t know anyone else on campus that would randomly give him gifts. But what if he doesn’t say anything? What if I never even know for sure if he beyond a shadow of a doubt received all of them and knows they are from me? Maybe I’ll text him. I don’t know. Boy I’m losing my head.

Apparently stupid plans are just my thing at 2:30am

So there I was on Saturday night, out with a group of the girls for a ladies night on the tiles. 2 for 1 cocktails to start, then on to a local club. Good group of girls, white wine flowing – I should have been having a great time. Instead I kept having to go and have a little weep in the bathroom and even getting tearful chatting to the girls. Now there may have been some PMT involved, but even so. Nights like that are supposed to cheer me up, not give me another opportunity to feel sorry for myself.

This is so not me. I don’t DO crying, and I definitely don’t do crying in public. I’ve had my ups and downs in life, but I’ve always remained essentially me – the bubbly one, the one who makes everyone else feel comfortable. I don’t recognise the person I am right now and I don’t think my friends do either. They’re supportive, but I don’t think they know what to do with me.

Of course, it didn’t help that one of the girls is due to marry her guy, and that they got together at the same time Hunky and I did. She’s got that whole bridal glow thing going on already, and I really am so happy for her – they’re perfect together and both deserve all the happiness they have now. But I can’t help feeling a bit wistful. I thought it was my turn this time. Finally.

I suppose it’s just a case of being patient with myself, and I’m trying to be. But I wish Breakup Me would finish up her business and move on, so Fun Me can make a return. I miss her.

NO WAY
NO WAY
This is just CRUEL. because this is what I have been DREAMING of for AGES. and now they SPLIT? NOW? so that I look like the very last bitch  who is cheering at such a news.

Now they look kind of adorable together (since we know it's history).

Does anyone really feel sorry?

Cause I kinda don't.... (hope it's not for Prince of Persia promotion only... Megan Fox "breaking up" with Brian Austin Green right before Transformers II premiere anyone?)

anyways, they’ll be better off separately. I think so. I know there is no chance I take over Jake so I kinda honestly feel sorry for reeze (hope she’s okay) and I also (with all my love) hope jake is fine with this. things happen, ppl! cheer up!

and guys TRUST ME you at least WERE happy together, as a couple for quite some time and I (like probably MANY other people) WERE NOT. and ARE NOT. so…

The deed is done, but I didn’t get to do it like I wanted.  He texted me one evening with kisses and cuddles, and I had to gather my courage.  I told him that I wanted to talk to him and not text.  I guess he didn’t like the idea of voices either because he insisted that texting was the same as talking.

I took all of the blame; really it is my fault because I am just not into him.  It was hardly taking one for the team.  I told him every excuse possible, like throwing darts and hoping one would stick.  I am not so good at darts.  Listing issues with past relationships, my own selfishness, and commitment problems, I tried it all, everything but me actually admitting that I didn’t think of him THAT way. I even said he deserved better, and his only response was why.  I dished out some compliments for him, but he just kept trying to fix all the issues.   Finally I felt like I completed the task.

As with any break up, I considered that maybe I didn’t try hard enough to make it work.  I closed my eyes trying to think of my original complaints.  All I could see was his huge lips and tongue flopping out of his mouth; a giant monster trying to slime me.  After our words, I tucked myself into bed and heard yet another text.  Questioning details of our conversation, I assumed it was someone else.  Nope, he wanted to tell me that when I am ready he wants to “cuddle more and more and more.”  I rolled my eyes and covered up.  The pling of my phone goes again, he reminds me that he is also recently out of a bad relationship, and we could help each other.  I turned off my phone.

The next morning, in the world of technology, I got online.  He has sent me a message on my Facebook, luckily not on my wall but a private message.  It says that after his night at the bar at 2 AM (a real gentleman HA!), he is thinking of me and wants to kiss me all over.  This was my sign to turn up the mean; was I the only one part of the “conversation” last night?  I replied that I don’t need the kissing right now that I am confused and not ready.  I don’t hear back from him for a day or two.  I am thinking that message must have hit home.  Until I realized he has posted HIS NAME “wants to be spending his time with a certain blonde hair blued-eyed girl.”  His friends had posted all kind of random responses to his post.  My sister has even posted a witty “You want to hang out with me?”  He has replied that she is taken and that won’t work.  The final post was “Be careful what you wish for.”  I so wanted to list my own response, but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction that I am reading his post.  It would give him the wrong idea.

My job now is to avoid him, I guess.  I have no other choice.  Even without contact, he is still ever-present.  I still think I did the right thing.  My BFF tells me that if I really liked him I would like his “cuddling and kissing all over” comments.  She is normally always right and knows me better than I know myself at times, but for now the comments just disgust me.  I just need to be alone….without guys for now.  I am not desperate.  I do not need to date.  My life is full, and I don’t have to go out with someone I don’t totally like just to have a free dinner.  Better luck next time.

My first post. I wish to explain my entire life from beginning to end, to give background of my circumstances, and to the way I think. But that would be too time consuming, and far too much to type. Everyone has history, but the only time history matters is when we witness its effects on the present. So I’ll begin there.

He’s back. I grew up and said no more, I told him game over. I hadn’t seen him in awhile and I called to finish all the games. To sum the conversation up, it began with me laying down the law. I talk, you listen. I said no, no more. Love is unconditional, love can not be harmed by distance, nor mistakes. Bad timing, or young age. When it’s real, it’s going nowhere. And to live our lives like we are not in love when we so obviously are is destructive. Therefore, I made up my mind to pull out the best I could… To at least make the first step. I explained to him that love should never be sacrificed by bad timing, or long distance. That I am not able to be put on the shelf till later, when the love is as strong as it always was. That even though I love him dearly, if he can not stand up confidently and say he wants me, I will be with someone who does. 99.99% just doesn’t cut it for me. I need it all. Because the loyalty I expect is inconvenient to him, does not mean I should have to put my life on pause because he does not want me to move on… but he does not want me to hold on either. I stood up, after four months of going back and forth between him wanting, and not wanting. Between me being over it, and falling back down again. After being with other people, and depending on spite and abusive recreation. I said I’m out. No more games, no more being used. In conclusion to my speech, my lecture, I was all set for a goodbye. And he said “I’m in.” Just as I gained the strength and the maturity to say I’m out, he says he’s ready to be back in. Says, he can give me everything I asked for and is ready for that loyalty, and to make the distance work until we’re together again in the Fall. Every time I grow the strength to cut the cord, he dulls my scissors. I laughed and smiled as he said those two words… it was the very last thing I had expected. I pester him about his certainty, trying to talk him out of his answer, bringing up every difficult situation we will more than likely go through. And he says “Yes, I want this, I want everything.”

I don’t know if hes certain, or if he knew this was his last chance before he lost me forever and he plans to ponder his certainty while he still holds on. I do not want him to tell me what I want to hear, I do not want what’s expected. I want honesty, I want the truth. No matter how hard, no matter how heartbreaking. I want what’s real, and if he can not  give this relationship the commitment it deserves I do not want to depend on that. I would rather him tell me he can not, be cut from life completely. And if two years down the line he is ready, at least then I’d know his words are the truth. All I want in life is honesty; do me wrong, hurt me, use me, abandon me. I don’t care, but tell me the truth the whole time through and I will forgive you with love. I can’t change him, I can’t make him committed, I can’t make him loyal. But if I could just relax by being able to know that if his feelings are not the same or change, then my life would be blissful without worry. Our upsets are because of lies of involvement, of commitment, and lies told in order just to cause upset. Without those lies I’d forgive him for all his wrong doings. I’d never have a worry in the world because I’d always know the truth. I would no longer have to keep figuring him out, and I’d always know what to expect. I could trust.

So now he’s in. Does he really mean everything that comes along with that, or is he buying himself time before I’m really gone for good. Is he just going to try it out and test the waters until things get hairy then split? Or is he in it for the long run, thick and thin… because he doesn’t want to ever lose the one he loves? Jeez, I just don’t know.

Texting a breakup? Not OK.

We live, breathe and flirt in a world of high-tech, digital romance. And I can’t say with a straight face that I am not a user and abuser of texting/IMing/Facebook chatting when it comes to communicating with members of the opposite sex. But there are some instances where no Tweet can do justice to a face-to-face interaction when you’re wheeling and dealing in the game of love. Talk about bad romance.

The Break Up:
Remember when Berger dumped Carrie via Post-it note on Sex and the City? Well that sucked. But at least he made the effort to find a pen and paper. I’d take a post-it over a break-up text message any day. In my opinion, it is never OK to end relations via a short message service. Since when is a break-up considered a short message? Think about it. (Exception: You’ve only been dating for a week, and he’s already named your unborn child. Take the quickest possible escape route available. NOW.)

TMI on the Internet:
Making plans on each other’s Facebook walls. Really? Did you lose their number? No one wants to read this: “Hey babe, why don’t you come over around 7:30. We’ll watch a movie or something… but we probably won’t see very much. LOL! Ps. my roommate’s in the library for the night… bring condoms! You know my favorite kind.” All of your mutual friends are currently puking on their Newsfeeds right now, and so is your new-to-Facebook and recently friend-request-accepted mother.

Furthermore, websites such as IJustMadeLove.com should not exist. If you have enough energy to go online and let the world know what positions you just did it in, well I just don’t think you’re doing it right!

No Calls?
Sending texts/emails when phone calls are due is my biggest pet peeve. What we could have accomplished in a five-minute phone call has now clogged up my Gmail inbox with a back-and-forth rant about whether we should eat Italian or Chinese food that night. Honestly, if we can’t talk on the phone, then we probably won’t have much to say face-to-face.

Tweeting is Not Enough:

Reading “Happy one year anniversary, baby!” right in between Perez Hilton tearing down Michael Lohan’s parenting skills and John Mayer’s latest witticism about poop just isn’t going to cut it. I need flowers, I need restaurants, but what I don’t need is social networking, thank you very much.

Pardon my rant, but technology is really putting a damper on my love life. I guess I’ll just have to decipher his choice of emoticon in his latest text to see if we were meant to be.

I told my bf that I was not feeling it and I didn’t really want to have sex last night. The problem was neither of us was tired. So we spent a few hours tossing and turning until finally he suggested that we have sex again. I thought it was a bad idea but I also thought this may be the last time we get a chance to have sex. We tried again and it started off really slow and un-sexy. His hip bone was poking into my thigh and all his weight was pushing down on my stomach. He was kissing me so sloppily that I just lost it. He stopped and told me to go in the bathroom and come back in two  minutes. He had an idea.

While in there I gave myself a pep talk and three minutes later I went back to the bedroom. When I walked in R&B from my iTunes was playing softly. Some Toni Tony Tone song I have not heard in years but he does not know much about R&B so I let that slide. It was a sweet gesture. I sat on the edge of the bed and we tried again. This time was slightly sexier but still a no-go. He was getting frustrated and I was not enjoying this “four-play” anyway. I thought about just turning off the music and going to sleep but I did not want to stomp his ego out and like I said before, this might have been the last time. He asked if it was a total failure and I replied, just do it. Like the Nike commercial I guess. lol Well, he did and it didn’t turn out so bad. It ended up being pretty good actually because he played into some of my desires.

Overall, it was a good sexual experience. It still lacks connection. My mind was with two other fantasies somehow. I managed to climax and I always do but I do not use this as a measure of a sexual experience. I know any sex therapist would say I am lucky because most women do not climax every time they have sex. It took me years to have an orgasm during sex but once I figured it out I never turned back. I would not consider myself lucky. I would say that I am very in tune with my body and I know how to get myself there whether he is helping or not. He is also very good at reading when he is doing the right thing. This confuses him too because he is good at what he does and if I do have a orgasm he does not think it could have been sex without a connection. The problem is: I am there physically but somehow I am about 300 miles away mentally. I don’t know how I can achieve an orgasm with all these conflicting feelings, but I do.

What do I think? I still think we should break up. I do not see the progress that a three year old couple should have. It will be exactly three years on December 25 and I don’t feel it. I feel like we are just here. We have evolved as a couple but we are still emotionally in the first year. We are not in love and I am tired of pretending. Everyone keeps asking when the wedding is and if I will say yes when he pops the question. I am getting scarred because he graduated, I am graduating, he might ask me and I would have to say no. I need time to sort out my life. I won’t make the finaly decision until tomorrow. I just don’t want any bad news right now. Maybe I should do it now? Then I can party it off all night. No. Tomorrow.

Along the Blue Ridge Parkway on a fall afternoon as a storm begins to break up and scatter the clouds.
© 2009 D L Ennis, All rights reserved.

NOTE: Permission for the use of my images is granted for personal websites and blogs but is to include a link back to this site and proper credit given to me, D L Ennis. Link to be used…(Visual Thoughts http://dlennis.wordpress.com/)

NOTE: Commercial use, and the creation of prints, must be purchased! For more information you can contact me here.

This is another poem that describes sensing the end of a relationship. It was written some time between 93-95.

Holding on for the moment

Staring in fear

Wondering how to let go

time is near

Dreaming of the moment

when souls meet

Only a short while

must retreat

Keeping back the tears

can not fall

Turn my lips cold

A stone wall

Slipping into this fantasy

drift away

There is just one word

can not say

Look into deep eyes

can not see

Past this mystery or

boundary

Hold on with all we have

till it’s free

Turn and say goodbye

let it be

Saat ini~ sudah tak ada hubungan apa-apa lagi antara Rena dan Nika. Kini,, Rena dan Nika hanyalah sahabat Biasa. Semua hubungan antara Rena dan Nika telah selesai secara baik-baik. Dan janji itu~ Hanyalah janji yang tak dapat di tepati… Hanyalah kata-kata yang sempat terucap di masa lalu dan tak ada artinya lagi saat ini.

Mungkin,, memang ini yang terbaik untukku dan Nika. Dan inilah yang terbaik untuk persahabatan Rado dan Nika. Aku tau,, hubungan kita selama ini merupakan Cinta Terlarang yang tak seharusnya terjadi. Tak seharusnya Aku dan Nika menjalin sebuah hubungan terlarang. Tapi aku dan Nika tetap bertekad dan saling berjanji untuk tetap bersama sampai kapanpun. Tapi apa daya… semua janji itu haynya kata-kata yang takkan pernah di tepati.

Kini,, Hanyalah Rado satu-satunya harapanku. Tapi,, asalkan Kau tau Nika. Aku masih Mencintaimu dan berharap bisa bersamamu lagi. Mungkin kini kau merasa lebih bahagia dengannya.. tapi asalkan kau tau.. Aku tak dapat melihatmu bahagia dengannya. Aku tak bisa.. Aku tau akhirnya akan seperti ini tapi ku mohon!!! Jangan kau lupakan aku!! Jangan kau lupakan masa di mana kita pernah bersama dulu.

Nika.. Saat ini aku menangis karena mu. Jujur aku tak mau hal ini terjadi.. Kehilangan dirimu tuk yang kedua kalinya merupakan hal yang begitu berat bagiku. Tapi,, terimakasih. . . Karena kau telah membuat banyak kenangan manis bersamaku. Tapi kita tetap bersahabat kan????

Somehow i already understand it. The reason why you looked down. It’s because you can’t talk about “Breaking Up”. Even though our shadows on the road are nestled  on the top of each other. Our memories  keeps fading away now…

If you know me, then you know how true this is. I can’t make a decision to save my life. I’m just a crazy “well, what if…” type of person. It’s getting bad, you guys. I can’t even make out how I feel anymore!!! I know it’s a tragedy. Ok it’s not really that bad.
More news on the break0up front!

I forgot the some other options! Sorry, I completely forgot that you don’t have to leave your ex in the dust and never so much as have a thought about him again OR be a sulky loser for the rest of your life. You could also be platonic friends and just be cool with eachother OR the dreadful “get back together” (noooooo, don’t do it!!) I mean you broke up for a reason, gosh! (Hahaha @ me saying that) Don’t even try the friends with benefits deal please, please, please! Always end badly, or even worst, AWKWARDLY!

Let’s just not have that happen

Oh, the irony.

More, better blogging to come, promise!

-Kristin

P.S. Hai John!

I broke up with my boyfriend tonight. And though it is something that I ultimately chose, it was definitely forced upon me by his actions. The break has been coming, I’ve felt it’s building weight in my limbs every day. The part that is so unexpected is how sad I am. Especially since I knew it was on it’s way, the amount of sad I have right now is surprising. Of course, one is expected to be bummed when a relationship ends. But I have found this giant, heavy block of melancholy that has lodged itself into my chest cavity. I can’t breathe. I feel like I’ve made a huge mistake. Thats my heart talking, the huge mistake business. In my rational mind, I know that he wasn’t what I need, or even what I want. He was at first, which is what made the actual cut so hard to make, but he isn’t now. And he isn’t willing to compromise. That in itself is an excellent lesson to learn – don’t trust the beginning. I suppose I should’ve learned it several times over by now, but I think it’s really stuck this time. He was my fourth boyfriend, in my long 23 years. I never used to want to keep boys, just play with them and discard them. But lately I’ve been craving a partner in crime. I realize that I am very young in years, and that I have no reason so rush these sorts of things, but I want a mate. I want someone to rely on, something to be stable as the world shifts. I suppose that comes with having a shitty family…the craving of stability.  This boy, he was perfect for the first month. I don’t need perfect, but I need effort. And at some point, his effort ceased. And instead of feeling lighter, from the weight being lifted – I feel heavy. I feel hopeless and lost. And so alone. So lonely. These are things that I need to mend within myself, it’s the figuring out how is what is so tricky.

For now, I think I will barricade myself in my bedroom for the weekend, and see if I can’t lose my mind entirely.

It was a mistake
and I will tell you why
from the start, I wasn’t real
and you believed the lie

it was a mistake
I will explain
I could see it coming
the guilt and the pain

it was wrong
I was hoping for too much
I felt it right away
in your kisses and your touch

I was a fool
for leading you astray
I knew it all along
you would go away

I was stupid, I will tell you why
I could see it coming, I felt it right away
I knew it all along
when you kissed me that day

(more on my poems blog)

One of the best first dates I’ve ever been on was to a sushi restaurant. I had never tried sushi before, and it ended up becoming one of my favorite foods. I ended up dating that boy for three years. And in those three years, our lives became increasingly intertwined. We were already in the same honors classes, we both played soccer, we both wrote for the school newspaper. We fit into each other’s lives so perfectly.

For three years, we got along perfectly. And then we broke up. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Some people eat after I break up, I couldn’t bring myself to eat. I was nauseous all the time. I lost almost thirty pounds. And sushi had never looked more repulsive.

For months after that, every time I saw sushi I thought of him. He was there every green car that drove by, every time I passed a soccer field of boys practicing. I had never been even the slightest bit phased by a break up before, so I had no idea why I was so upset. I felt so weak, so pathetic, for letting myself be so upset over a boy.

Time passed, and I gradually began getting better. It took little steps. I finally stopped crying. I didn’t have to see him anymore once school ended, and then I was able to stop thinking about him almost altogether. I started dating some other people casually, and soon I rarely thought of him. I could even eat order a California roll without a single painful memory. (Which instantly enhanced my life; I’d really missed those little guys.)

I start college, he starts college, we continue to have no communication whatsoever. Then one night, my phone rings. I look at the caller ID. It is a number that I deleted long ago, but one I still remember by heart. It’s him. I can’t answer. He leaves a message, writes me an e-mail, calls a different time. He says he wants to be friends.

The boy that was the sweetest boyfriend on the face of the planet, the boy that later transformed into the most massive jerk known to mankind and broke my heart – he wants to be friends again. At least friends. Maybe more.

My stomach dropped. The thing is, I really want to talk to him again. I like talking to him, and we were best friends for so long. We have so much in common and so much history together. But he also hurt me more than I ever thought was possible.  And I’m afraid that he’ll do it again.

And I really don’t want to lose sushi again.

I want to be able to talk to him and have him back in my life, but a huge part of me knows that that would be a horrible, self-destructive idea. I don’t know if I can, I don’t know what I’m doing or what will happen.

So what do I do?  Does anyone have any idea?

How would you feel, when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out that in the end,  it was never bound to be?

For girls, finding the ‘right’ guy is as hard as finding the perfect bra, if not harder. Hell, you can even equate it to finding the perfect shade of red lipstick! And getting rid of that lipstick mark on his shirt collar, that’s as hard as it goes when it comes to leaving the person you love or once loved. Reality is harsh but you just have to learn to let go.

As pessimistic and as cynical as I sound, I do acknowledge that there can be favourable situation, where it is as though the relationship is smooth sailing and everything was meant to be.  But come on, let us not kid ourself, separation, with a loved one, or anyone else for that matter, is inevitable and eventual. So, logically speaking, we ought to mentally prepare ourself for it.

Anyway, we know all of the above, yet, we choose to love our partners deeply, deeper than the wrinkles on our brows. Then, we promise our partner an eternity of love, despite knowing that forever doesn’t exist. And although we know that a heart cannot love without the risk of pain, we brave ourself for it and submit ourself sincerely and wholeheartedly, all of which, will be at our eventual expense. But the thing is, you do not care about it’s ’side effects’ because it just feels so damn right. It just feels so perfectly in place. It just feels so comforting- To have someone to love, someone to hold, someone to call your own.

Having said that, we cannot deny that time passes by so fast and people, they just go in and out of your life.  And I feel that while we still have that one person whom we hold on to dearly, we must never miss the opportunity to tell this person how much they mean to us and how much we truly cherish their presence.

Anyway, I just wanna share this quote with you in the hope of resonance.

They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you make them feel.

I know that someday, you and I will be history, just a page in a journal, just an entry in a blog. But I hope that ’someday’ is far from today, because right now, I’m deeply in love with you, deeply in need of you and deeply in want of you. And most importantly, I don’t want to ever have to experience the saddest thing in this world which is to still love someone who used to love you.

And that someone is you while that you is me.

A funny thing happened to me today. I was reading through Booshy’s awesome thankfulness project (which I didn’t participate in because I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving) (and also because I am lazy) and vaguely thinking as I read about what I would be most grateful for right now. And a surprising thought rose out of nowhere and popped into my head:

I’m grateful I’m not Hunky.

Didn’t see that coming. What an odd thing to be grateful for. Is that really true? But when I sat with it for a second, I realised that it was.

The thing is, as well as the whole end-of-relationship thing, Hunky has some stuff to work out. It’s his stuff, so I won’t go into it, but there’s stuff. And I don’t just say that in the “he left me and I’m awesome therefore he must have issues” kind of way. (Although I am awesome.) It’s real stuff, and if I’ve learnt anything recently, it’s that you have to deal with your stuff. You can try to put it away and even start again and hope it plays out differently, but it’ll keep coming back until you turn around and say “Okay, fine, I see you. Let’s tango.” Me and my stuff, we’ve done the steps. I’m good with my stuff. But I don’t think Hunky has even begun to tackle his, and I don’t envy him that. It’s been really hard to get where I am now, but at least I’m here.

Besides, it’s no fun being the bad guy. It hurts like hell that I gave it all I had and he left me. But I’ll get over that, and when I’m done I know I’m in a position to be a better partner to someone than I have ever been in my life. How much would it suck to have been loved by someone you loved back, and who you respected (and I know he did both), and then to let them down so completely? And to not have the guts to say goodbye? How do you justify that to yourself? Even if he did the best he could at the time – and I think he probably did – he still has to live with knowing how much he hurt me. Me, I know that I did everything I could, no regrets.

So there’s my random and unexpected bit of thankfulness. I’m thankful I’m not my ex-boyfriend. Can I have some turkey now?

PS Happy Thanksgiving, Americans! I still don’t really know what you’re celebrating, but I hope you had an awesome day.

There’s something universal about this message. You can attribute it to loss : Break-up. Death. Misfortune.

Having been through a few of these myself, I really believe you can find yourself touching most – if not all – aspects of Grief. There are (5) stages in total and it’s probably best illustrated in Diane Birch’s song “Nothing But A Miracle”. So here they are.  .  .

Five Stages of Grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

And if this post speax to you, I feel that I have done my job. And remember while you endure this feeling – to stay stronger than weak, be honest with yourself, and in time you’ll be able to iron out the wrinkles in life; forging forward  f – a – s – t – e -r   and STRONGER than ever! I’ll try to remember this on my next encounter.

What’s More? This very Quote by Corrie T. Boom. Remember to hold everything loosely : relationships, titles, possessions etc, ’cause it hurts when the good Lord pries your fingers open!

I leave you with a variety of (4)  songs. Enjoy. Turn It Up. And remember – You are not alone. Everyone has, or will, go through this emotion in life. Same Song – Different Verse.

God Bless & Happy Thanksgiving where ever you are in Life Today =   )

Ah, life. That thing that happens when you’re busy making plans. A lot has changed since March, I’m sure, but I’m not going to worry about filling in the gaps.

The last few months have provided the usual hotchpotch of business, love, charity and disintegrating relationships (in reverse order of financial gain, and – hopefully – ascending order of personal growth). The Pirate and I are done, in the friendliest way possible, and even have our own break-up song:

There was a brief relationship with a new man, which was an incredible re-awakening of my romantic senses, and a subsequent break-up caused by his arguing style. So damn repetetive. I like my arguments to have the decency to appear to be moving in a forward-like direction.

I realise now… blessed hindsight… that the two years I spent with the Pirate had little to do with love, and more to do with a lack of disgust, as Eoin Colfer succinctly puts it in the next episode of the thrilling Hitchiker’s series. I do feel a little wiser than I did this time two years ago, but I also feel cynical and disillusioned, which will hopefully pass.

Cynicism aside, I’m enjoying the freedom of being alone again… and knowing that I don’t need anybody else. I had one of those rare moments of insight on a bus last week, when I suddenly wanted to sing and embrace the person sitting across from me. I managed to hold back from hugging strangers, but I did smile the whole way home.

So life is moving on, and I’m trying to keep up with it.

How have you been?!

For some stupid reason, I woke up at 5am this morning. (NYSoonergirl, I blame you. It’s catching.) I had been dreaming Hunky and I were in Russia. (Unfortunately, James Bond did not turn up to snog me and shoot him.) Anyway, so there I was, unable to get back to sleep, so I decided to play a little game to amuse myself, and try to come up with songs according to the stages of grief. I know that if I’m feeling angry, I want to hear angry songs, and if I want to cling to the kitchen floor, I want to hear a song that really makes me weep. They all have their place. So here are some of what I came up with.

Denial

Don’t speak – No Doubt
I can’t believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you’re letting go
And if it’s real
Well I don’t want to know
Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts

And I am telling you – Jennifer Hudson
I’m not livin’ without you.
I don’t want to be free.
I’m stayin’,
I’m stayin’,
And you, and you, you’re gonna love me.
Ooh, you’re gonna love me.

Anger

My happy ending – Avril Lavigne
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Caught out there – Kelis
I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
Aaaaah

Bargaining

The scientist – Coldplay
Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start.

Unbreak my heart – Toni Braxton
Unbreak my heart
Say you’ll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life

Depression

Here with me – Dido
I won’t sleep
I can’t breathe
Until you’re resting here with me
And I won’t leave
I can’t hide
I cannot be
Until you’re resting here with me

Behind these hazel eyes – Kelly Clarkson
Now all that’s left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
‘Cause I can’t breathe
No, I can’t sleep
I’m barely hangin’ on

Acceptance

Stronger – Britney Spears
Now I’m stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger

Stronger – Sugababes
I had my ups and downs
Trials and tribulations,
I overcome it day by day,
Feeling good and almost powerful
A new me, that’s what I’m looking for

What songs do YOU listen to when you’re feeling the stages?

I saw that last night and I kinda had to pause for a second. Like, what made yesterday different from the other days? Who knows. I’m betting it was the BGLH title. Anyway, the fire alarm is going off in my building. So I figure I will write while I wait. I have run out of full time positions to apply for on Monster. One university responded and said they have filled the position. That was the one place I really wanted to work but hopefully they all won’t say that. I have to look at the international postings for Biomedical Science. I thought NYC would have more jobs to offer but I guess not too many people are looking for entry level scientists.

Today is the big day. I think it was just earlier this month I was ranting about my family never wanting to be together. Well, my aunt announced that Thanksgiving is at her house and she wants everyone to come over today to cook together “like the ladies on Soulfood.” Not only that, she also said, pack a bag because we are spending the night and continuing to cook together in the morning. That is a huge step up from our usual holiday celebrations apart. I am excited. I hope it goes the way I am thinking in my head. I hope I learn to cook some stuff. So far I know there will be Peach Cobbler and Apple Cobbler. My friend was telling me his family mixes two fruits in one to make cobbler. Last year they did pears and peaches, I think. This year they are trying peaches and blueberries. I would love to try something like that. Well, I hope to pick up some cooking tips. I will keep my eyes and ears open.

Last night we tried the sex thing again. It was not bad sex, definitely not bad. It was not great sex. I should make a new category called intermediate sex. Hmm…that would imply there are levels…I have to think of a better phrase. Mediocre sex? That is kinda insulting to him…Ideas? If there are any readers out there, Comment me some ideas. Anywho, it was not stellar, ok? It was inventive because we got to explore the living room. That was cool. It’s been done but not quite like that. When we get the house to ourselves, we get to explore more rooms but we put a sheet down so it was all sanitary. What made it mediocre? It just was. Overall, I liked it but like I said before, the connection was gone.

We had two long conversations last night. The first was: Why do I fantasize while having sex? There is no cut and dry answer. I just do. I think I always have. I believe it is because I fantasize when I masturbate. I feel like it is totally normal and I know it works for masturbation so why wouldn’t it work during sex? The first time I tried it, I reached orgasm and I have been doing it since then. He had other ideas about it. He thinks he should be enough. I told him I am not usually into skinny guys. So I might close my eyes and imagine a buffer guy. I don’t know how wrong that is but it’s true.

The second conversation was: Do you want to break up? We talked about this for hours before bed. I was not tired so we were just talking until about 5:30 this morning. We came up with no conclusion. He says no. I say maybe. He said if I feel like that’s what I want then just do it. I know it would turn my life upside down and I don’t know if I am ready to start again. He said it will be different after graduation. Maybe he is right. I think breaking up is like  a band-aid. Best to just yank it off. I am really stuck with this one though. I am always the one to do the breaking up but this time I don’t know if I really should. It would be easier if he wasn’t such a good guy.