I miss her, I miss loving her. I miss dates and meals, afternoons together. She’s got someone though. He’s four times my height and probably has a giant scrotum. What am I to do? Find someone new? It’s not that simple I’m afraid. I’m strange I guess, I’ve got my heart set on a lady, and I can’t just get a new relationship. I fear I’d go insane, or just beak her heart, which is something I never want to do to someone. This is horrid. My gut feels like it’s rotting away and my heart like it’s running on fumes. I couldn’t even get out of the house today.

    So I guess this is it. Please forgive my cold shoulder, but maybe I’ll just fall back in love when I’m older.

I’ll be communing with nature (and some awesome friends) along the Smith until Tuesday, so there won’t be much action here until then.
(B I G  thanks to my house/dog sitters!)

Until then, be fabulous!

~G

My sister got ill, nobody knew what she had, everything was too similar to the situation that got B. to leave this world two years ago, and finally the diagnosis – the same.
I freaked out, everybody in the family freaked out. (My parents’ friends have been very nice and loving with them, I don’t know what I’d do to have friends like them, they’re all very lucky to have each other.)
My sister’s fine now. She got better, she does a normal life again, and I’ve learnt to love her much, probably. Which is some way horrible to say, that you have to experience some kind of threat to realize certain things, but most probably it was something just hidden behind those stupid siblings fights.

But it never ended to be tough. Drugs, alcohol, doubts on my carreer, fears for my imminent move to another country.

Then recently a knife stuck right in my chest. My boyfriend (? if he still is) and I are on a break. He asked me. And I said if you need it, as you wish.
And here I am, on the 7th day, trying to manage the silence, the distance, the indescribable pain I feel inside.
He wrote me a letter, in which he basically tells me that he’s confused. I replied, telling him that I love him, and other incredibly -I was drunk and doped- lucid, well-articulated and nearly balanced things from deep down my heart.
He replied, in the most perfect way, ’cause he’s perfect for me and I don’t know how could I do without him.
I have to respect his decision to stay away for some time, I should, I have, and I fundamentally do, but it hurts so much, and if it’s true -and it’s true- that I can’t really function in normal conditions, in this way it’s even worse.

I think I’m going to use this blog when I have things to tell him. So I tell him, without really telling him, and everybody’s happy. (Where it’s understood that ‘happy’ doesn’t actually mean happy)

Undefined things make me go crazy.

Snowy Big City Dreams, Feb 2010 © mbee

en timmes promenad med syster som avbrott under pluggandet var tanken. saken är bara den att det brukar ju sällan stanna där. en timma blir lätt till två och tre…och fyra…och fem timmar slutade den delvis ofrivilliga pausen på. och voíla plötsligt hade jag inte längre möjlighet att gå hem klockan åtta och hinna iväg och träna som var tanken, utan återvände till biblioteket klockan sju för att stanna till klockan 12. kul. liv. (särskilt när man inte klätt sig för att vara ute på natten och halvt hinner frysa ihjäl under cykelfärden hem. dagens bild får symbolisera den kylan.

/mbee

// Am I the only one who think that those strict-1-hour-breaks u sometimes set up between studies, work, or else often has a strange tendency of stretching themselves out and somehow ending up as a fully-3-hours-absence? Well that happened to me this day, one hour walking went into five (?!) hours of walking, eating and buying stuff which was the reason why I returned to the library not until 7 in the evening and then leaving at midnight. great postponing really. I even almost freezed to death during my biking home in the night since I wasn’t really dressed nor prepared for nightly adventures… Photo of the day may represent my feelings on my way home… //

woo! edited by yours truly..

Thats it.. Finito!   

Finished my first year at University!!

I still find it hard to believe that I am no longer fresh meat!
Looking back at this year, I have met so many amazing and interesting friends; I really do thank the stars that I met such a friendly bunch of people! I have been so lucky with the people that I have been living with in halls, of course things have happened, people change and move on.. but I can honestly say I wouldn’t have done anything differently!

Even though I feel like I haven’t achieved all that much, I have only got to look around in my room, at my work and at myself, to see that I have become a lot more creative and interested within the area I am studying. Of course, I had thoughts that ‘first year at uni is pointless..’ when in fact I feel that it has been worth every minute; even though the grades may not go towards my finals, I know that my social skills and confidence that I have learnt this year sure will.

So that’s it. first year? done!

 one down – two to go!

But I am not.

The simple fact is, I am training for a marathon and that training takes a lot of time. It is also quite exhausting and food is to refuel not to look pretty, as least at the moment. My concerns these days are my pace, and the distance and injury related. Food, baking and cooking take the backseat.

However, do not despair, I have posts liked up, or rather, I have cooked and baked, taken pictures but no time to write it down yet. There is also a stack of books on my counter that asked to be reviewed. I also want to re-make old recipes and re-shoot them so you, my reader, has a better idea of the product.

After the FBC conference in April there are many things that I would like to enhance with the blog. As said above, photographs are one thing, re-writing the recipes is another thing. But all of this is work in progress, or rather planning in progress.

I will try to add a new recipe this week for your enjoyment. The marathon is May 26th, a couple of days of rest afterwards and I should be back to my old self.

Thank you for your patients.

What keeps you busy these days?

Happy Baking and Cooking.

The site has now been live for just under 1 year now! We would like to take the time to say Thank You! You’ve been giving up great support throughout the time we’ve been live, from the likes to the shares. Everything you do helps us!

We’d like to explain why the content has slowed down… 

We have exams, a week of exams to be specific. I’ve been revising for the last few weeks and am currently in my exam week. We hope to start making awesome content again starting next week. Our other writers will be starting to create more content very soon! DYMgamer will be our chief game writer, While I (DYMofficial) will be continuing our general news section. We have some exciting news to share too!

• We hope to get a few more writers! – More Awesome Writers mean more Awesome content!
• We’re working with loads of talented new Youtubers! – We hope to start gaming videos with some of Our official gaming crew!
• We have a new Look! – more of a “mature” look to the site, but don’t expect it to stay like this forever!

More content and exciting news soon! We’re always thinking about the future!

DYM Team

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Dustin (25), Kelly (23), Patrick (22), Carnell (21), and Bryan (19) have now come back to WOW their crazed fans again. Now the ages I have listed them to be may not be exact! But they are pretty darn close. Anyways, as you can see they are now attracting the same crowd of ladies they were before… except we’ve ALL grown up! Which is great! I KNEW Diddy had a plan for these young men, there was no way he was going to let them go that easy.

There has been the debate lately about them being better than Mindless Behavior and One Direction, and that MB and OD should just stop making music now that B5 is back. And I say, EH! WRROONNGGGG! Mindless Behavior attracts a much younger audience, ranging from ages 5 (maybe even younger) to let’s say about 17… after that, the rest of us have no boy group to drool over. As for One Direction they attract another type of audience, they are a band from the UK and their Pop and Acoustic genre of music differs from B5′s Urban R&B style. I mean even Day 26 vanished and every other boy band group has gone extinct. B5, Mindless Behavior, and One Direction are in their own categories ya’ll… Let’s get that straight. There’s No Jackson 5, No New Edition, No Soul For Real, No Boyz II Men, and No Jagged Edge!! I wouldn’t mind saying yes to a B5. So I say “Welcome back! AGAIN” to these talented, handsome young men…

We’re glad to see you.

Below is the official video to their newest single, “Say Yes.”

1. Read something for fun like my blog or other blogs, magazines, etc…

2. Cooking (if you enjoy it) can be a nice way to rest your mind and cultivate your more artistic side. Put on some music and your apron and make a tasty study snack.

3. Go outside and do something not involving technology. Humans need fresh air and sunshine every now and then!

4. Play a game on the computer, with your friends or family, or your pet. The less mental effort it demands, the better.

5. Clean that thing you’ve been avoiding like your desk, the bathroom, your closet… Although it’s not a super fun activity (for most people), it is a way to reduce mental activity which is your goal.

6. Talking about your concerns with school or work with someone can be a great stress relief. Even just chatting online or at coffee with a family member or friend be very relaxing (as long as they are not your very dramatic family member or friend).

While working two jobs, it is pertinent to keep in touch with your mental state. If you find yourself unhappy and stressed out, address the issue timely so you can continue towards your goals! Other things to consider paying attention to would be your diet, amount of sleep your getting and if there are other stressful or distracting events going on in your life.

Still Gettin It from Todd Barry Films on Vimeo.

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‘Cause someone asked “What is the biggest age gap you have had in a relationship?” Perhaps I “answered” too much. :-/

I was 24, she 37; she 21, I 28.  Not just years, but think percent or ratio, e.g. she more than 50% older, and I about 1/3 older.  So I lost my virginity at 24 to a 37 year old.  And for only that one rather brief span in my life – about 6 weeks – was I ever having sex with a woman in her 20s – just that one partner – and never a sexual partner that was younger than 21 – ever.  And since that very first relationship, if one adds up all the spans of time I’ve been in sexual relationship with someone, it doesn’t even total up to 5 months.  And, in the last about 15 years, been in such a relationship only a span of 3 weeks.  And I’m already past 50.  Damn life sucks.  Hope yours is going better than mine.

Perhaps I should’ve footnoted it to define “sexual relationship”, in that context, as actually having intercourse … not that that distinction would changes the picture a whole helluva lot.

“Wrong, Do it again!” - from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”.  Not sure exactly why, but quite jumped to mind fairly recently and seems rather stuck in my head at least presently.  Don’t know if it is/feels like it’s “me” saying that to me, or “everybody else” (or both) – but in any case, sure as hell very much feels like that.  The social thing.  Yeah, obviously, I must have that very wrong – ’cause it’s so highly not working for me – over and over again.  So, it’s like – at least a lot of – no, don’t stop, don’t give up, but rather – mostly, lots of “Wrong, Do it again!”.  Feels like a damn torture – well, maybe not necessarily quite as much a torture in-the-moment, but certainly in cumulative effect (or affect, whatever) – damn friggin’ hurts like hell, and, … keep – at least mostly – tossing myself back into it – at least some fair bit, and obviously since it keeps not working, I must be doing it Wrong, so … keep repeating again - Do it again!  Ugh.  In-the-moment … and how’s that generally feel – social ‘n all that for me.  Eh, … rather like I could take it or leave it – at least most of the time.  Some of it moderately to fair bit positive, much of it too, feels quite the opposite.  Often not particularly predictable – often highly unpredictable – how things will go – and/or even how I’ll feel about it.  So, … really don’t know (much, if at all) ahead of time – at least in most cases.  So, … it’s like, even just “in the moment” – do I enjoy it or not?  Don’t much particularly care either way – for the most part makes so damn little different I really don’t much care either way.  Yeah, sure, if I spend (way) too much time isolated/isolating, I’ll miss that “contact” – though contact is relative misnomer.  Often it’s more of just being around people, with only zero to negligible contact.  And too, sometimes, if I do quite a bit of contact, frequently, even or often at length, etc., put much effort into it … and “of course” (? – but why?) still get zero results – or damn nearly so – that’s … well, besides being rather “torture” in cumulative effect (or affect) – well, it just ends up not only highly exhausting after a while, but really draining and frankly quite depressing.  If/when it gets to the point where my attitude rather to quite totally sucks, and I can’t even muster up or fake some reasonable degree of positivity, then it’s time to pull back and not try so damn hard – or perhaps even hardly at all – at least for a while.  ’Cause, when my attitude gets that sucky, and I’m that run down by it, well, can pretty much only be counterproductive to still keep pushing myself on it then when I feel that horrible about it, in it, through it, and in every attempt I so much as make at it.  So yeah, sure, sometimes I pull back fair bit – even a lot – give myself a “break” from it.

TV?  Most television programming sucks.  Most of my adult life, I’ve typically not watched, or only quite rarely watched TV.  In about the last nearly 15 years where I now live, I switched on an actual television (picked up a quite small one for free that someone was getting rid of) only once – flipped through all the available channels (and many of them available where I am) – utter cr*p – nothin’ worth watching, turned it off, haven’t looked back.  That’s mostly been the case for me for many decades now.  I used to – as hobby – pick up, for free, non-working television sets and repair them(did that all the way back into my teens).  But after repairing them, all the intellectual challenge was completely and totally gone – as there was nothing worth watching – so what was I gonna do with a working TV set?  Anyway, fastforward in time – cable TV and all that – hundred(s) or so channels.  Yeah, still pretty close to nothing worth watching (I’ve never had a cable TV subscription).  Forward bit more in time – not only The Internet, but lots of video content available, and the vast majority of it available for free, or effectively so.  So now instead of like hundred(s) of channels, … more like hundreds of thousands or more.  And mostly not “broadcast” or real-time, but stored, so one can watch them at one’s leisure.  Yeah, still not much worth watching … but … out of the hundreds of thousands or more – including also much of what’s been broadcast before, … some things rather to quite worth watching … but still not all that much.  So I watch a few TV shows (more-or-less) and/or other (semi-)regular video programming/content.  But not much.  Of the current stuff, there are only two currently running programs I quite like (for certain definitions of “currently running”).  Doctor Who, and The Americans.  There’s also some bits of other semi-random stuff I watch – or at least sometimes watch – my “guilty pleasures” – but most or all of those I don’t much care about, and often don’t watch at all, or quite postpone (perhaps indefinitely) watching them.  Not gonna bother to explain – at least here ‘n now – why I like those two programs.  Anyway, among other things, I do quite like some of the bits of quotes and (more-or-less) “wisdom” in Doctor Who – not that (hardly?) any of it is “news” to me, at all, but, is often well said, and sometimes also more-or-less shown.  The Americans – one of the bits I rather like in it, is some of the music.  It’s got some faux period music in it (or maybe bits so obscure I don’t recall them at all?), but also some actual music from in/around the period it’s set in.  And sometimes used quite well.  One that keeps coming to mind, but that they’ve not yet used, is “Russians” – by Sting.  And one they used quite recently – I think it was season finale – “Games Without Frontiers” – Peter Gabriel.

Music … & loss.  Music can be rather to very good for me.  I don’t indulge nearly as much as I probably ought, some of those reasons probably “historical” and various life things that have happened along the way.  Back in my teens, and even earlier, sure, quite an interest and liking of music – especially lots of popular tunes and the like.  But did I buy albums?  No.  I was mostly on the “starving student” budget – typically taped stuff off the radio.  Never owned that many albums (or commercially produced tapes).  I remember back in college, there were folks there that had music collections – most notably album collections, that I was quite envious of.  I really just didn’t have the funds for it – I could scarceely afford college at it was (and that was a stretch!) – though too, others had it even harder financially (and/or otherwise) than I.  But music was a luxury I really just couldn’t afford – certainly not anywhere near as I wished, anyway.  And – really haven’t mentioned it to many – mostly just too damn painful and prefer to forget – but in 2000, major burglary, my entire audio collection was stolen (along with about 20% of every possession I had – of negligible value to anyone else or “street value” – but it was very valuable stuff to me … gone forever, never to be seen again.  I figure about 5 man-years of stuff, gone forever – and not stuff I could, for the most part, ever go out and just buy.  Stuff I created, wrote, assembled, collected, things given or handed down to me – not valuable to anyone else, but regardless, valuable to me, and irreplaceable).  So, all my recorded audio was stolen – albums, tapes, CDs – even audio tape “letters” exchanged with friend – who died before 2000, auido tape recordings of family members already deceased by then – all of my grandparents, at least one of my great-grantparents, and some other relatives long since gone, recordings of me and my sister as quite young kids, audio recordings from my cave explorations, stuff taped off the radio, much, etc.  Wasn’t a huge music collection, but it was all I had – my entire audio collection.  I haven’t even attempted to replace it.  So, yeah, music – generally good for me.  Most notably, it tends to make me feel something.  Not necessarily better, though sometimes so.  Mostly just tends to enhance or build a mood … whatever that mood might happen to be … or … sometimes shift it a bit, but mostly just tends to kind’a amplify what’s already there.  And, even when the mood is crud, and the music rather to quite dark or “negative” or the like, it’s still mostly a good thing … most of the time.  Even on the negative, … it tends to help kind’a work/feel it through … rather than more so just kind’a leaving it festering and lingering.  Yet at the same time too – though I try to forget, it’s also often hard.  That burglary – whole helluva lot of loss there.  And not a damn thing I can do about it.  So, yeah, sometimes, in many cases, music also reminds me of that loss.  And that may be a reason why still, to this day, I don’t listen to as much music as I might otherwise.  Certainly do sometimes, … but not a lot, and far from constant, or even as frequently as daily – even a bit.  Some music I hear – perhaps the song, or just where my head is at when and as I hear it, quite reminds me of that loss – and it hurts a lot more … or I just turn the music off, and try to ignore and forget.

Attitude.  My attitude has been pretty sucky.  Are we surprised?  Yeah, I know.  It should be better … much better.  Not exactly super-easy to fix.  I certainly wish it was much better.  Mood generally been quite sucky, and that tends to quite bring the attitude down with it.  Often very much so.

Advice.  Much easier dispensed than followed, eh?  Yeah, I can quite say that of my own good/excellent advice – even if I mostly follow quite a bit of it.  Certainly also fail to follow significant bit of it too.  And lots of advice from others to me – various persons, sources, etc.  And – rather like much of what’s on The Internet – some of it good/excellent, some of it cr*p, and … whole lot in the middle, mostly fairish – may be highly redundant of what I already know and tell myself, or might be “good”, but just not at all relevant – e.g. doesn’t at all usefully apply to me, my situation, country/culture I’m in, species I happen to be and planet I reside on, etc.  But, I should better appreciate the advice I receive, and make better use of it!  Sure,”of course”, some of it will be “wrong” or not fit, much of it may not be particularly useful or feasible to implement or may not do what I (or anyone else) want done.  But regardless, there’s probably, oh, guestimating, somewhere between 5 and 20% of the “advice” received (and/or that I run across, etc.), that is good to excellent advice, and also useful, fitting, suitable to me and my situation, feasible to implement (or at least sure as heck try), etc., etc.  Yeah.  Attitude.  Need to fix that.  Really hard to see and spot the best bits of such advice when the attitude (and mood) sucks.  It all seems so dark, impossible, infeasible, “can’t work”, blah, blah, blah (excuses, excuses, find a “fault” in all of it), when, in “reality” … well, it’s probably quite a bit better and more fitting, useful, and helpful than it would seem or appear or feel to be.  And should well appreciate such advice.  (I do, but may often fail to show, or adequately show that).  And, the especially challenging part - despite the sucky mood and attitude, should be able to pick out the best most useful bits, and apply them.  But damn, it’s hard to recognize which bits are those, among all the advice, when mood/attitude is doing so poorly.  But, it is in there somewhere!  And (un)fortunately, who best to know which bits actually do and would work for me, vs. which, wouldn’t, or not so well – why me, of course!  Hmmmmmmm… bit of a Catch-22.  Now, of course, someone that knew me highly to exceedingly well, might be able to pick out and emphasize those particularly most fitting and useful bits for me – even if I couldn’t for myself.  Ah, yeah, if only someone actually knew me that well and was quite inclined to do so … though anything at least slightly or more in that direction, is at least some bit of a positive.

Attitude, attitude.  Sometimes quite/too negative.  Gotta watch myself on that, as it can be a bad thing.  E.g. this (well, yesterday, as it’s 1:45 A.M. as I’m typing this) morning … yeah, shouldn’t ‘a been thinkin’ so much about the dad/father thing, but found myself thinking – not that I’d actually do it, but … of, like getting a T-shirt printed up, and printed large and bold on it (slightly censored version here):
YOUR DAD IS A
MOTHER F*CKER!
Uhm … yeah, quite the provocateur that would be, eh?  But I also found myself slighty bemused that, despite its great offensiveness, technically it’s literally and universally true (well, at least given certain interpretation).  But probably not the technical point to try and make after someone knocks my teeth out for wearing such a T-shirt.
So, yeah, also bad attitude – or most especially mood, and particularly combined with distraction – or more exactly just not paying attention, that can potentially be hazardous to gravely dangerous.  E.g. traffic.  Signal says “walk”, step off curb and walk – BZZZZT – wrong answer.  Just ’cause the signal says walk, doesn’t mean the two vehicles still barreling through the intersection at high speed, and the third one about to blow the red light and chase ‘em on through the intersection give a sh*t about the walk signal I’ve got or are at all inclined to hit the brakes should a pedestrian step in front of them – after all, they’re pushing the gas to try and beat the light … if they’re even so much as paying attention to it.  So, yeah, catching myself with highly sucky mood, not paying attention, and stepping or nearly stepping in front of such traffic – despite whatever the damn signal happens to also tell the idiot drivers out there – not a good thing; shouldn’t be making, or nearly making that mistake.  And, “I don’t care”, or “I don’t care, at least I’d feel something.” – yeah, wrong attitude.  Being smashed by traffic is definitely a feeling I could quite do without.  So, yeah, gotta try ‘n keep that attitude in check.  Feeling like crud is one thing, but no use also being stupid about it.

This blog posting is getting too damn long – and I’ve only covered very roughly about half – if that, of what I’ve in mind to address.  Guess I’ll cover more of it later … if ever?  But one more bit before I “wrap” this one up.

“Do something”.  Yeah, do something … almost anything!  Much … well, at least significantly better than “nothing at all”, or merely filling in time.  And the social stuff, pretty close to tortuous.  Not that I’m necessarily or exactly giving up on that, but … really do need more to do than mostly just feeling like I’m beating my head against the wall over and over again.  So, … stick my head into something else.  Something I enjoy?  Yeah, right … got fair bit of a problem with that lately.  So, well, screw that, come up with an action plan and do something anyway.  So, … got more technical stuff to bury my head into.  Do I like it?  Well, my mood’s been crud lately, so, haven’t really been enjoying hardly anything at all.  So, not like I dislike it, but no, not “enjoyment”.  But what the hell, something to do, anyway, and something other than torturing myself with trying at social stuff.  Just bury my head and attentions in some technical stuff.  Master yet another technical skill – whatever, I do that dang well.  Not that it exactly makes me “happy”, but hey, at least it’s something I can not only do and do well, but rather to exceedingly well – beat the hell out’a failing over and over and over and over and over and over and over again – despite whole helluva lot of effort to try and succeed.  So, … more focus on sh*t I can and do actually do dang well.  Whatever, maybe it’ll earn me yet more money (though that’s not an issue) and I could potentially retire even sooner – if I want … though to do what in retirement, who the hell knows – other than “not working”, can’t say I’ve really got much of anything yet that I’m looking forward to in retirement.  Yeah, would be nice to have some dreams, fantasies, etc.  My “fantasies” have been degraded to pretty dang minimal stuff (like maybe even having bit of a nice conversation?  Or maybe like more than a hug or two or three a year – if that?) – pro’lly ’cause those seem more probable to be attainable.  Stuff like “wonderful relationship, get engaged, married, live happily ever after” … yeah, not even hangin’ out in my fantasies or even dreams in more recent months/year(s) … just seems way too damn improbable – if not “impossible”.  Damn, there’s that messed up attitude (and mood) rearin’ its ugly head again – or consequence thereof.  Anyway “do something” – so I can – at least also, do some more burying my head into yet more technical stuff.  Whatever, at least it’s “something”, a helluva lot less painful than the social sh*t, and … dang, I’m even rather to quite good at it – even if I’m not exactly able to presently enjoy it.  Whatever, at least it’s something.

More (mostly cr*p) later.  Yeah, about 4 hours to write and edit this blog entry – and at that a relatively piss poor job of it.  Now, if I put about 16 hours into it, … it would be, … well, … fairly decent or so, but still not all that great.  Of course that’s only about half the material I’d want to cover for a single day.  Sure, … just need 32 hours a day to cover the blog bits – and written well, then another 24 for life or whatever, … Yeah, not really so much blogging ’cause I “want” to (do I even really want to at all?), or even ought to … really mostly just need to – nowhere else to go with it – no conversation to be had or the like.  And so it goes.

Thanks for liking, reading and visiting the Blog from time to time – appreciate it.

Thanks for liking, reading and visiting the Blog from time to time – appreciate it.