Sometimes it seems that life is stripping you raw. No matter what you try, things that are a deep part of our life fall apart, go “wrong”, break, and/or simply disappear. I have noticed patterns in my life where this happens. I’m in one of those very patterns. It started with my son Christopher accidently spilling water next to my computer. As that glass of water fell, my life’s trajectory shifted into a new direction and I entered into the LAND OF YOU-ARE-ABOUT-TO-LOSE-A-WHOLE-BUNCH-OF –VERY –IMPORTANT-DATA-AND-SPEND-A-LOT-OF-MONEY-AND-TIME-HOPELESSLY-TRYING-TO-FIX-IT! After three weeks of trying to recover it, my hard drive is being flown to Wisconsin to see if they can recover my original mother board (how appropriate with Mother’s Day this weekend). The computer I bought less than 2 weeks ago had a corrupt operating system and I spent a large part of yesterday at Apple with the technicians, talking to my computer guy, looking for files…..Believe I COULD go on and on around this but let’s move to a bird’s eye view of the situation, shall we.

It is PRETTY obvious that I’m being STRIPPED RAW of my technology. I can get into my head very easily. I know I’m doing this because I get into those LIFE MODELS of “WORK-CHORES-KIDS-TV-SLEEP” (not in that order). I carve out very little time to hang out with friends or to read or anything like that. As much as I dislike to admit it, my GREAT TRANQUILIZER is my television and BOY DO I USE IT TO MEDICATE myself. Sure it’s entertaining but when you are lacking sleep and you choose TV over sleep like I do almost EVERY night I know there is an issue. I know I could spend my time more wisely. I know my life would shift in ways I have been dreaming about. (DEEP BREATH HERE)

This is one of those BRIDGE POINTS in life where you begin to SEE what the issue is and then you add CHOICE. Sure I can HIDE from my CHOICE but that is not, not making a CHOICE. As the double negative shows here in this sentence, we cannot be NEUTRAL. Life NEVER stops flowing. Sometimes we want to stop it and say NO but life keeps on flowin’ and the same way you cannot stop the ocean, you cannot stop this rhythm of life so what to do?

Key here is to, as my good friend Keith has been reminding me for the last couple of years, “SURRENDER”. Surrender the fight! Whatever you FIGHT grows. PICTURE that and then take a moment to FEEL it in your body. If your child does not do what you want and you begin to YELL does that make the situation any better really? If you lower your voice and speak to that child does it shift things in a different direction without the ICKIES? If you find yourself in NOT TAKING CARE OF ME MODE is fighting with yourself about how you SHOULD going to help you?

This Mother’s Day consciously TAKE OFF your boxing gloves, STRIP YOURSELF RAW, knowing that you are always safe. As the beautiful Carolyn Myss and Wayne Dyer both say, it is an illusion that we control anything really. We have the power of CHOICE, like WHAT TO FOCUS ON, but the big stuff is out of our hands so instead of STRESSING OUT your whole ride, why not let go and ENJOY IT?

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY EVER-GROWING HEART…..HAPPY MOTHERS’ DAY!!!!

Great big hugs,

Maariaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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Be IN The Picture

Share Your Experiences, Educate Others

Children Are Our Future

Forsaking 2/3 For 1/3?

Tell Them You Love Them

Don’t Let A Fight Get In Your Way

Breaking Patterns

Don’t Be An Arbitrator

Identify & Avoid Crazymakers (like your life depends on it)!

Apply The Newspaper Test At Home

Chapter I
I walk down the street. There is a hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter V
I walk down another street.

-Portia Nelson

I don’t  need you to make me feel

I don’t need you to make me strong

I don’t need you to tell me how to feel

let go let go let go

I’m here acclaiming my status upon this earth

I’m here expressing the pain

The pain of a broken heart

the anger of disappointment

the mirror of neglect

I’m here looking upon my reflection

seeing myself moving a different direction

take me!! Break these chains!!!

My reflection will not dictate

You, external person will not be my dictator

I

I

I the true inner self  will be the warrior

will overcome these fears, will overcome these regrets, will triumph

I will forgive, I will let go, I will accept

I am moving on

Travel onward feet

move ground under my heals and toes

I am running with freedom

Thank You, Thank YOu! Thank YOU

At times, I may appear weak or passive during play but it is because most events do not require aggression. I am strong, enduring and persistant and those who truly know me can attest to this. Others testaments only back up what I already know about myself. Being gentle, kind, open, caring and enduring are not signs of weakness they are qualities of strength. It takes great courage and strength to remain true to these qualities during times of uncertainty.

It takes courage to pull out of the game. I may appear weak but by far I know I am strong.

I will not be walked upon.

peace.

your beauty lies within your eyes and now your miles away, a friend  ship apart

brief sparks of inspiration have delighted my imagination but none so far have captivated my attention as long as you

the knowledge of your absence inspires me

stomp upon my pride, snub my glance and tell me lies

O muse O muse O mine

You were never mine.

It is exciting to know that my life is just beginning, I have the tools of my experiences and skills from my education to get me to my destinations.

Why did I do it?

I no longer have the interest or use for social networking. I’ve come to realize that my true friends are a text/call away.

How do I feel?

Great! I can use my time to enjoy other things. I doubt that I will regret leaving the social networking sites. We had some good times. It’s time to move on.

Here is the excerpt from the book “The Truth of Suffering”:

“There is the pain of birth. When a child is born, we celebrate it, but at the same time that child has gone through alot of hassles. It is painful being born- being pushed around and pulled out. The concept of being in your mothers womb feeling very comfortable swimming in warm milk and honey, sucking your thumb. There was a feeling of satisfaction and then you were thrust out and had to take some kind of leap, which must have been painful.
Although you don’t remember your own birth, you know that it is frightening for the child. As you are born, you are experiencing the pain of birth, and your first exposure to the world, which consists of hot and cold and all kinds of inconveniences. The world is beginning to wake you up, attempting to make you a grown up person, but your feeling as an infant is not like that: it is a tremendous struggle. The only thing you can do is cry and rave in resentment at the discomfort. Because you can’t talk, you can’t explain yourself ; there is a sense of ignorance and inadequacy.
More generally, the pain of birth is based on your resistance to relating with new demands that come at you from the world. Although it applies to your physical birth, it also can apply to your ordinary life as a grown up. That is, you are always trying to settle down in a situation in which you finally think that at last you’ve got it made. You planned everything down to the last minute and you don’t want to change your scheme. Just like an infant settling down in it’s mothers womb, you don’t think you ever have to come out: you do not want to deal with the hassle of being born.
This type of birth happens in your relationships, you have to decide how to deal with your friends and lovers. You may be in a home, with a dishwasher, refrigerator, telephone, AC, and you feel that you can stay in this womb for a long time. But then somebody comes along somewhere and either through no fault of your own-
Or maybe it is your fault- pulls the rug from under your feet.

You don’t want to be born into the next world, but unfortunately the situation is such that you are born into the next world. Being able to settle down in a situation is painful. You think you can settle down, but the minute you begin, you are exposed and given another birth. It is just like a baby being pushed out of it’s mothers womb and exposed to another world. We are not able to settle down.
That is the truth.”

I think using this metaphor is a great way to develop compassion for others who may be struggling with doing things differently. It’s also useful in applying to your own life-when you find yourself feeling fearful of change, grieving, or being resistant to breaking a solid pattern in your life.

Kelley Lockhart Delaune, LCSW

Kelley Lockhart Delaune is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in the Greater New Orleans area.

http://www.therapyneworleans.com

I am reminded of what the river taught me as we come into 2010:

• I must stay alert and assess what lies ahead, doing my best to be prepared.
• Paddling against life’s current is a futile effort. Go with the flow.
• Take time to rest and relax. I am able to deal with the rapids of life when I am refreshed.
• When boulders and snags come up, a simple course correction moves me around them.
• Working in cooperation and asking for support, I get things done and I move forward with ease.
• If I find myself in an eddy, going around and around, it is time to make a change to break my pattern that keeps me stuck.
• When I stay focused I am able to make great progress.

With all the changes and opportunities that 2010 brings, I hope that you to can also benefit from what the river taught me. May this year bring you blessings of abundant joy, peace, health, wealth and love.

During these challenging times I have wanted to terminate all relationships and run away to start over, however the lack of money to relocate has reminded me that I need to sort things out with great endurance. I can now say that I have been downhearted since last year with the loss of my previous boyfriend, special pet and death of a friend. I have actually began to accept and heal from those losses the beginning of the year but at the same time I preoccupied myself with men.

Men are my weakness, well let’s just say romantic bouts are my weakness.  Romance helps me to avoid responsibilities that I need to take on. Romance has become my addiction because it fulfills my sexual passion and sometimes small need for drama. As I write this I realize how shallow I am but nonetheless I cannot deny it. I find it hard to be romantic with my boyfriend since he doesn’t express himself according to my ideals. So my problems, I mean responsibilities were not forgotten nor avoided. Several times I have thought why am I dating this man? I’m still having to face my responsibilities, dreamland is a few stops away, I took the wrong train.

I have a problem when I’m not doing so well in a lot of life spheres, I usually become destructive by causing drama or ending romantic relationships or beginning new ones,  this time I realized that and purposefully maintained my relationship. So now I’m at a point to where the cliche’, you make your own life becomes true for me. I have made decisions to face responsibility and work vigorously to complete MY PERSONAL goals.  I have this idea that one romantic partner will come into my life and help me become the person I’m destined to be. It’s so romantic and thoughtful.

I’m truly realizing that I must take myself on alone and that I cannot continue to search for that other person to assist me to be who I am supposed to be. I have to relieve myself from living like a hopeless romantic. Being “single” has become a reality to me I must be true to myself so I can reap the benefits of having relationships with others. I must put the burden upon myself. It is time to live with my eyes open and to keep my perception keen. To love those whom I become close to without expecting them to act out my ideals but let them be themselves.

The day after the exchange we agreed to meet at the flying saucer for a drink. I called some of my friends to join, my boyfriend was on a business trip and nobody was available or didn’t want to come out. I went on my own and got on fine with my new acquaintance, during this time I told him I was in a relationship and spoke about my family. We spoke about several topics in particular, dating American Women vs Brittish Women and the differences in custom between the two.  This made an interesting conversation since he is Brittish and has been in Texas for nine months. After a great round of trivia and pints of Rahr beer, he asked me questions about the length of my relationship and questioned if I was happy. Unfortunately, casual fun time morphed to contemplative time and I was ready to go. I felt insecure and wanted to address these feelings with my boyfriend. So I called my boyfriend to talk about my feelings with hopes of reassurance and to be at ease.

My boyfriend had just arrived  at the hotel and was very tired when we spoke at midnight. I dove right in with the questions about his friend he used to date years ago and still friends with. I asked him questions that I knew the  answers to but just wanted reassurance. The conversation didn’t go the way I thought it would instead he got upset and didn’t know where all this came from. He felt judged. I didn’t know how to explain that I was needing his reassurance, that I was wanting a positive response. The conversation was somewhat destructive. At the end of the conversation he wished me a good night and told me he would see me when he returns.

Now, I know I made a mistake allowing myself to be easily influenced. I made a mistake calling my boyfriend after drinking to have a serious conversation in the middle of the night.  I made these mistakes without thinking things out.  It’s good to question when there are really questions but to question when you know the answer can be a waste of time and mental energy.

I learned that I am sure I want to be with my boyfriend and no one else, to think before I act and talk and to go to bed after a night of drinking. Hopefully, my boyfriend will accept me for my mistakes.

Today I’m okay with him being on OKC we just began dating “officially” for a month or so and it’s normal. I’ve considered the importance of having a healthy dating relationship with this man. This is by far the first healthy relationship I have ever had and I do not want to indulge into my patterns of insecurity. I want to work on these fears of being cheated on and deceived which have been an ongoing issue in all of my relationships previous to this one. I truly want to work this out with myself, I trust the man I’m dating because he has given me attentive affection and honesty. He is the type of man who will show more than tell me what he is thinking. This is the magic of understanding his feelings. I believe him because he speaks so loudly with his actions. 

I will continue to date him alone and will approach the OKC activity with caution because it is too soon to jump to conclusions.  I really dig this man.

I decided to wake up from this sleepy existence. Five years of anxiety that was distracted by love, friendships, deaths and frustration. Several times I jolted in my sleep but never to wake myself for it is a conscience dream. An idealist dream with purists ambitions the one dream that sends me spiraling to struggle for survival.

When will it be safe for me to lay my head down on the pillow of aspiration? I have overslept and missed the opportunities that have passed. To catch the chance of success has me out of breath. I just woke up and I’m running, sprinting, hurdling to catch the chance.

When a head is sleepy all else is blurry a visual focus becomes an illusion. Uncertainty becomes the instrument of emotional torment. Brooding over tangled situations created by the mind. Foggy voices and tearful murmuring become the speech of everyday. Oh how misery consumes the body and soul. All becomes unbearable when moodiness set its position to extreme. Tolerance to this state broke and melted into a puddle of black tar.

This tar was made in misery.

Stepping away from this melted puddle is difficult to do. A happy disposition that was so easily expressed now trying to find the way home. A slow awakening is necessary for this gentle soul

The words I hear all the time when I suggest a change of diet are “It’s so hard!” When you think it is hard, it really is hard! I will come back to how we work with changing mind with PC. But even shifting perspectives or changing frames can help before the PC work begins.

I started with the title, “Changing your way of eating…” because I don’t really like to refer to it as a diet. When a diet is mentioned, it’s generally considered for weight loss. What I am talking about and encouraging is Optimal Health, so it’s more of a lifestyle change than a diet. But even a lifestyle change can be daunting to think of because it seems like your life could change in ways you’re not willing to change. For example, changing the way you eat can be quite tricky when eating out. I’m going to talk about a low fat raw vegan diet though it can apply for any change in diet. There are only two raw food restaurants currently open in the Seattle area, so as a raw foodist, if you want to eat out, you have to get creative! (The fact that low fat raw is harder to find on a raw food restaurant menu is another subject. I suggest the produce section!)

I learned from my favorite raw foodist experts, Roger Haeske, Dr. Douglas Graham and Frederic Patenaude, how to do this eloquently, so I’ll pass it on to you here. First, consider that eating out is more for the pleasure of company than the food. It is divine to be served and catered to when eating out. But really we eat out to enjoy the experience of eating out. It is the reason why so much effort and art are put into décor, ambience and presentation. So there are a couple things you can do to prepare for a dinner out.

Remember that it is your choice and you are the one that is making the decision to eat in a new way. The reasons can vary, even when life threatening in cases of cancer and disease, and even if recommended by your doctor, but it is ultimately your choice. So when people ask you if you “can” eat this or that, kindly let them know that you can eat whatever you want!  You are choosing to be more conscious of what you are putting into your body. 

Let them know that you can talk to them about the reasons you are changing your diet after the meal. It’s much more enjoyable to visit than talking about your diet for the __th time! Plus it can be received as a criticism of their own choices, especially if they are not happy with them.

Before you go out, prepare a favorite salad dressing and bring it in a small container that you can fit in your pocket or purse. You can let the server know that you are on a special diet and even ask them to put the dressing on the salad for you.

Eat a large amount of fruit before you get there. This can be as decadent as eating a fancy meal at a restaurant. When you satisfy your appetite before going out, your resistance against foods you no longer want to eat will be stronger.

Or bring your own fruit when eating out. Once again, let the server know that you are on a special diet and ask them to put the fruit on a plate for you. You can always call in advance and find out if it’s OK, in order to allay any fears or concerns that might come up. I have not been denied my requests yet. 

Prepare your own meal at home and invite guests to try your new fare.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve surprised and educated family and friends by eating the way I want to and inviting them to join me.

Another more expensive option is to order from a chef that delivers, although they also tend to be fatty (high in nuts, seeds, oils and avocado). There are all kinds of delivery services available, even raw meals.

These are just a few examples. I’m sure you can come up with more ideas! 

As far as the mind goes, you can either fight it or ask it to help.  There are a couple exercises in PC that we use to shift mind into helping gear: 

Judgment release helps a lot, as always. Is it really hard to change your diet? Try one thing at a time. You don’t have to do it all at once.

Asking the question, do you really, really really want what it is you are craving or feeling like you’re missing out on? Get to the Core Desire of what you want once you have that thing you think you want so much, before you eat it.

Talk to your Body! Direct Dialogue with Body is an excellent exercise. 

You have all the answers to your health questions. You might need a little practice to distinguish mind from body at first, but your body is talking to you all the time. Start listening. Eat one food at a time and see how your body responds. Remember that our bodies are generally severely out of balance. I am not talking about running after food cravings we know are not healthful! I’m talking about the stomachache after eating a meal!

Be patient. Body changes don’t happen overnight. Your current body form is the response and reflection of what you have been eating and how you have been exercising and loving your body. Be consistent with your new way of eating for at least 30 days, and even better, for 90 days to see your body remade.  

Be kind to yourself. When you slip up from eating in new ways, remember how long you’ve been eating in old ways!  Old patterns are only broken when they are finally broken!  You are the only one who can break your own old patterns, and they will pull you in until you do. Resist!  Every time you strengthen yourself in the direction of how you want to eat, you will find yourself even stronger to make other changes, and your Body will thank you. When the thought, “It’s too hard,” comes to mind, change your mind.

Is it common for the one who has been spurned to pine for their wayward lover to come back to their senses and verbalize all those tragically romantic thoughts they are harboring? ”I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life.” “I’ll never love anyone as much as I love you.” “I feel like we’re tangled up in someone else’s lives.” “I don’t know how I can live without you.” And finally, “Maybe we’re meant to spend some time apart so we can really appreciate what it is we have.” Isn’t that the call that everyone wishes they’d get so you can rush back into your lover’s arms and forgive all for the sake of love? How few of us ever really get that call?  I got that call Monday morning at 7:30 am. 

I think I must either be a cast iron bitch and my heart has turned colder than Cybill Sheperd’s snatch or I’ve begun to move on. In the normal course of events, a call such as that would have had my heart strings tugging but there was nary a plunk. Honestly, I thought it was rather amusing and vindicating in a way. You see, I knew he was feeling those things so it came with a sense of satisfaction to actually hear them. And yet, they didn’t move my in any way. In fact, the very act of hearing them allowed me to address them as a fact and then put them away. Dear has made a big mistake. A fact. Dear still loves me and more than he will ever love Twitch. Another fact. But it doesn’t want me to rush back into anything. It just let’s me feel sort of pleased (in a slightly malicious way) that he’s coming out of his befuddled fog. 

Are our lives made of patterns that we’re destined to repeat?

I’d like to think not but evidence points to the contrary. We seem doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again until we finally address them and move on. Will I ever be financially secure? Not if I keep frittering money away and not truly facing the fact that I simply must learn how to balance a checkbook. It ain’t pretty but I’m 41 and if I don’t figure out how to live beyond paycheck to paycheck, when I’m seventy-five, i’ll be living in a velvet lined cardboard box. 

A few weeks before all hell broke loose, Dear became quite frantic one night and insisted that he was about to repeat a pattern of his and I must help him. He begged me. At the time, I didn’t get what it was he was trying to say and what he needed of me. His pattern seemed to be that he’d get into a relationship and then the sex would evaporate and instead of facing the issues and dealing with it, he’d find someone else and leave the first behind with the first lover blind-sided and furious. (There is one that still won’t speak to him, over ten years after the fact.) I knew we were having issues with our sex life. The issue: no sex. But I thought if we actually worked on that, well, it might come back with time and nurturing. I thought we could beat any pattern. After all, we’d stayed together through the early years after rehab. If we could get through that, we could get through anything. And this was the longest relationship for either of us. We should be able to break a silly old pattern.

I’d been warned. Dear’s last serious boyfriend. The one that came two guys before me. Old Turtleneck warned me one day Dear would just throw in the towel and hit the road. I thought it was bitterness speaking as we’d been able to make a success of it, when Dear had driven Turtleneck into rehab.

Now between Turtleneck and myself was The Liar. The Liar is one of the chief reasons Dear ended up in rehab. The Liar not only was a rampant Meth user, he also would have sex with other guys every minute they weren’t together and then lie about it and swear they were monogamous. This slowly eroded Dear’s self-assurance and equilibrium and precipitated his slide down the slippery slope. The Liar had done quite a number on Dear and I had a lot of work to get him to a place where he could trust again. Now, the bizarre thing is that Twitch reminds Dear of The Liar. Not only in personality (secretive, non-communicative) but also the fact that Twitch is less than honest with him about his activities. Another pattern of Dear’s picking lovers that are dishonest to him.

Twitch has patterns, too. Twitch, it seems, has a history of leaving a steady, solid, stable partner to run off with a high-energy and extroverted, yet, unstable partner. It’s nice to know he’s fulfilling his pattern as well.

We can spend our entire lives swinging over and over again on the same trapeze. But what truly makes us break our patterns? Self-awareness? Strength? The will to change? Or just growing up? Facing your demons, realizing they no longer hold power over you and laughing them away. I feel I am moving forward. I feel that by truly living on my own and thriving, I will have broken a pattern. But what patterns are still spun around me like a web? Are we ever truly free?