Me and my good friend Martin were having a conversation early on Christmas morning about my previous post “Yes, BUT…”

Shortly after posting “Yes, BUT…”, he made his own post on his WordPress blog, wherein he compared relationships to the building and reconstruction of a car. He’s in the process of moving on, and the best way he could explain how he was coping, was to compare it to a car. He said, and I quote,

“I got the engine to fit in, and now bolted on the transmission. Time to connect the necessary lines and cables to the engine to give the car life. I’m so excited to fire it up. When this thing starts, the next step would be the paint job, and upholstery. The last part would be adding the necessary fittings to complete it. I cannot wait to complete this thing. I wanna go out and let the tires burn on smooth asphalt. ”

He told me he felt like he had just gotten out of a totalled car. In a relationship, when you give it all you’ve got, and the relationship fails, it hurts. Big time.

Why even make yourself vulnerable to that kind of pain?

Because if it succeeds, it feels good. Big time. It’s like poker. When you bet small, win or lose doesn’t really matter much. When you go all in, you either win big or you lose big.

Is the risk of losing when going all in really worth it?

Is the risk of crashing worth the hype? If you crash, could you get out of the totalled car?

Dear Dickhead,

To think that I actually dated you for a few short weeks of my life makes me question my taste in men. Then again, I would have never dated you if you hadn’t professed your feelings to me that one rainy night in Munich. Clearly, the rest of our Europe trip would have been awkward if I had straight out rejected you. It was fun until you quickly became a workaholic auditor at some job that you don’t even have a passion for. Way to be boring, buddy. All you talk about is accounting, South Park and online poker. You’ve never even taken the Muni in San Francisco and you’ve been living in the Bay for over a year. What, are you too afraid to get your shoes dirty on the bus? Have you ever even been to Golden Gate Park or Dolores Park? Do you do anything fun besides hang out in your “Penthouse” apartment, where you share a bedroom with your friend. By the way, the apartment is really not that cool. If you really knew SF, you’d know that there are way better living options that are cheaper and have views just as good or better than yours. And you wouldn’t have to share a bedroom! But, you don’t explore, and you’ve become an incredibly pompous, arrogant asshole who has little compassion for anyone but yourself and a few select others.

Do you really want five kids? You said you hate screaming children. Good luck being a father. Do you really want to name your first male child after yourself? Do you think you’re that amazing that you want your son to take your name?

I knew it was really over when I went over to your place and you asked me, “McDonald’s or Buger King?” Seriously? No thanks. Then you took a phone call, while I sat on your couch for almost an hour watching South Park by myself.

Here’s some advice. Relax without smoking. Go out and explore. It’s stimulating. And then maybe you’ll be able to talk about something other than accounting. Be more compassionate. Listen to people without judging. It goes a long way. I’m hoping you find positivity in your life. If only you weren’t so pessimistic. Life’s too short to complain and be angry. Make the most of it.

The good part about being with you is that I realized what I don’t look for in a man. I’ve learned from you, and that’s what matters in the end.

Good luck with your future endeavors. I hope you get a personality.

Not yours,

Really It’s Over

P.S. Yeah, you were good in bed. But don’t flatter yourself because I’ve had better sex since you.

A lovely thing happened to me yesterday. After the Hunky family de-friending of the last week, it was a huge surprise, but I got a message from his cousin’s wife (who I got to know a bit when we were together). She didn’t say much – just wished me a happy Christmas – but I was really touched. After I’ve been cut out and shut out from his side for so long, it meant a lot for her to take the time to send those wishes, when she’ll know the background and she’ll be able to guess I’m probably having a bad time of it. It struck me as a very kind thing to do.

I’ve posted a few times in the last weeks about trying to find my Christmas spirit. How I’ve slowly got into it, but nothing like I have in the past. How I can’t help but compare this year to the last one, Wham-style. It’s hard to find the Christmas spirit when some days you just want to sit in the corner and cry.

But then I got to thinking about what the Christmas spirit really is. We’ve come to see the holidays as some kind of perfect picture of happiness and togetherness. If you don’t feel happy, you don’t feel part of it. But if you go back to the very first Christmas story, it was about hope for the poor and disenfranchised. It was about not feeling alone in the world. If you go back even further, the solstice celebrations were about getting through miserable winters. Later, St Nick was about random acts of kindness and generosity, just like that email. Hope in the midst of hardship. That’s what Christmas is really about.

So perhaps this year I’m closer to the real spirit of Christmas than I was when I had the movie-style holidays. And perhaps this Christmas comes at the perfect time to bring hope, and to remind me that it won’t always be winter, and that I’m not alone.

Whatever hardships you’re facing this holiday season, I hope that the festive season brings you hope for better days to come. Here’s wishing you all a very happy Christmas.

In the first installment of our new “Jesse Thunderwake has difficult conversations on your behalf” franchise, I explain to your boyfriend why you don’t want to see him anymore.

I’ve been feeling a bit like a Scrooge the past couple of days.  I have been surrounded by everyone at work exchanging presents and going out for lunch together while I’m left sitting at my desk punching out audits. My frustration built yesterday as one thing after another went wrong.  I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore and I felt like the walls were caving in.  As the laughter rang in around me so did the loneliness and for some reason it just hit me.  He really left me.  Why it comes at me like that I don’t know.  I’m sitting at a desk, in a job I hate and there is no one here for me.  I’m on my own and he left me.  His Elvis Christmas CD isn’t playing and we aren’t having our pizza and whiskey in the office with everyone to celebrate Christmas as a work family.  He won’t be coming around the corner in one of his Sparky sweaters.  I can’t breathe him in anymore when he slides his arm around me. 

My mind flashes back to everything we did last year at this time.  The snowy evening we spent beneath twinkling Christmas lights making love.  It all reminds me of him. My God the promises he made for this Christmas.  The plans we had made.  We were suppose to spend this Christmas in Wyoming with his family.  Hell, the promises he made for this whole year.  The promises he made at midnight on New Years eve last year.  Where is that man who I loved?  Where is that man who I looked at next to me in bed?  The one who said I love you every night.  My best friend.

I took off outside to gulp in as much air as possible.  I counted to ten while the cold air hit my face and chilled my lungs.  I can do this.  I also felt the need to puke but I knew I could get through this.  Plus clinging to the ground and sobbing wasn’t going to look good if anyone walked out the door so I had to pull it together.  There wasn’t time to fall apart.  I pulled out my phone and made a call.  I needed someone, anyone, and called a friend.  Vented.  Called another friend.  I needed a plan.  I also needed a drink after work and someone to listen.  We did just that. 

I walked out of the bar last night and lifted my face to the ice falling from the sky and knew the impending storm they were talking about was starting. I have no idea if I will make it to my parents for Christmas as planned or if I will be stuck at home with Dustin.  I did call work today and told them I wouldn’t be venturing the icy roads and would be staying at home.  I was more afraid of losing it at work due to my lack of Holiday cheer which I am usually abundantly filled with.  Instead I’m going to sit and listen to the rain pound on the windows as it instantly freezes and wait for the curse of the snow.  I’m going to watch the sappy movies on Lifetime and try to not think about him.  As Lisa so often reminds me He has to be thinking of you.  He is human.  This was your time of year together.  Human or not I hope he has a miserable Christmas. 

I’ll also work on my Holiday cheer today.  It may come in the form of wine later tonight.

When Penny and I broke up in 1996-97 (we were dating at the time; not yet married), we lived maybe four blocks apart. We got back together, and after a couple of weeks, Penny suggested she move in with me.

It was the logical thing to do. I was committed to marrying her (we were “engaged to be engaged”), her lease was about to expire, and it would save us money. My apartment was big enough.

And I suggested it might be a bit soon, that it might not be a good idea. While *I* was committed, she still didn’t act as if she was. We were back together… but when I made any sexual advances, she would reply that she wasn’t ready yet. It was too soon. If it was too soon to have sex again, I thought, then wasn’t it too soon to live together as a couple?

Then there was the fact that a certain shithead was still living in the downstairs apartment of my house. (Said shithead had made a compelling case that he would be a better boyfriend than I, and he wooed Penny away from me, but she eventually returned to me. Supposedly.)

Oh yes, my friends, my life was a country song back then.

But, well, Penny was practical, and it all made sense, and I was committed, wasn’t I? So she moved in.

[Yes. I should have been committed.]

When we saw our first couples counselor last year, at the very first session we had together, the counselor asked when the trouble began. Penny said it was probably then: when we moved in together at Penny’s suggestion, even though I had said it might be too soon.

Now, here we are at the close of 2009. Our financial situation is rather bleak, and our marriage is little more than a business relationship (with co-parenting mixed in). I have decided that I am no longer interested in remaining in a loveless marriage, and have tried to resolve the loveless aspect of it in vain. A couple of commenters have posed the question: why not divorce, but continue to live as roommates, keeping the house and stuff as shared property for the benefit of the kids?

Staying as roommates does have the benefit of being practical… from a strictly financial standpoint. For the short term. This is what I didn’t quite process those many years ago when we first lived together: the word “practical” can be applied to more than one aspect of a situation. Yes, it would be financially practical. For the short term.

But getting a divorce on paper without actually divorcing our lives would pretty much keep me in the situation I’m in now: having all of the disadvantages of being married and all of the disadvantages of being single, with none of the advantages of either.

First of all, I do not want to know a damn thing about Penny dating anyone else. I just would not want to know it. I can’t imagine she would want to know anything about me dating anyone else. Now, how’s that going to work out if we remain housemates?

Dating without the kids being in some way involved (or, at the very least, aware) also becomes problematic. As does the notion of bringing someone home. In fact, when you get right down to it, what does it tell a prospective date when I say, “I still live with the mother of my children. But it’s okay. We’re not married any more.”

And it’s not like I’d be getting any action from Penny.

Then there’s the financial entanglements. In fact, this is one of the major bones of contention. Penny and I have different attitudes about money; differences that have led her to admit that she doesn’t respect me (and, I’m coming to realize… I don’t respect her approach, either. At all. More on that another time, perhaps.) Remaining in a housemate situation does nothing to address that disparity, nor the respect issue.

And the fact of the matter is, I don’t want my money situation tied to hers any longer. I don’t want to be on the hook for her debts, and neither do I want her to be involved in the debts I incur. I don’t like her debts, and I don’t like her having any say over mine.

As another commenter brought up, there’s also the issue of how we role model for our kids, and I think it’s a biggie. I grew up in a household where my parents sometimes fought, but they always showed affection for each other. Terms of endearment. Hugs. Kisses. They liked each other. That’s the kind of thing I need for my kids to see: a healthy, loving relationship.

I’m already seeing respect and affection issues in our two oldest, and I’m not entirely convinced it’s because of their ages.

There’s certainly the possibility that for practical considerations, we will have to consider remaining in one household for longer than I prefer. But the point is that I’m setting goals in an effort to be clear that it’s a temporary situation.

The point is to be clear that as soon as it’s practical, I need to get on with my life.

And if it’s not practical soon, I need to work harder to make it practical. It’s not about rushing headlong into divorce regardless of the consequences. It’s about being mindful, and heading off those consequences sooner rather than later.

Since Hunky won’t be getting a message from me this Christmas, I got to wondering what might be in his festive inbox instead. Here’s how I like to imagine it…

Two more sleeps until Christmas! Have a good day, everyone!

Nothing has been confirmed yet, but a recent fight via Twitter led lead singer Tyson and band mate Nick Wheeler to say here  and  here that Nick is leaving the band for good and Tyson is over everything.

News comes just days after the band was announced as a headliner for the 2010 Warped Tour. Let’s hope that the disagreement blows over soon and they can go back to performing.

Tiger’s wife is going for 1/2 of his $600 million nest-egg.  That’ll definitely put a cramp in his billionaire ambitions.

It has been 40 days since I last saw him, 18 days since I last spoke to him, 1.5 seconds since I last thought of him. It is actually another fulltime job, this whole broken heart business, dividing my time between work, friends and crying. Fortunately the latter can also be done in combination with the first two.

But please, do not feel sorry for me. I heard that some famous writer once said he had learned the most from the times he was the unhappiest. Be jealous that I am learning a lot with every tear that rolls down my cheek.

All is not lost. My life seems to have suffered a napalm attack and the ruins may resemble Ground Zero, yet I am still standing. And among the remains I am beginning to recognize items from my previous life such as Friendship, Family, and also Love.

I can fight this. I can kick and I can scream. I can hate. Or I can love enough to let go.

I think one of the reasons it takes so long to get over a bad breakup is that it’s never just one kind of loss. There’s the loss of the person in your daily life, the gaping hole, the hurt like a missing limb. There’s the loss of the life you planned on – all the things you let yourself hope for that won’t be yours. There’s the humiliation of it, especially if you were left – knowing that someone took a good look at everything you are and said “no thanks”. There’s all that love, and nothing to do with it. The bittersweet memories you don’t know where to put anymore. The loss of intimacy – the connection that once meant they were your person, and you were theirs. And who does that make you now? There’s the loneliness, the boredom, the awkward social situations, the difficult questions. There’s the hurts and disappointments every time another tie is cut. And alongside all of that grief is the sheer pity of it.

There’s something inherently hopeful about two people falling in love. We’re all so different and complicated; it’s a miracle love ever happens, that it ever works. It’s the biggest risk, but the one we’re all waiting to take. And when we choose to love and to trust and to drop our anchor with someone saying “here – here is my place” we are filled with hope that this time, this one, this love will be the one that sticks. Whatever kind of relationship you have, both of you invest in it and nurture it, and choose to stick with it over and over again. You choose to believe.

That you can love and hope and trust and try and it can still fail… just feels like a tragedy. And mourning the dead thing that once was love – whatever that love became – is one of the hardest breakup griefs of all.

Here is a wound that never will heal, I know,
Being wrought not of a dearness and a death,
But of a love turned ashes and the breath
Gone out of beauty; never again will grow
The grass on that scarred acre, though I sow
Young seed there yearly and the sky bequeath
Its friendly weathers down, far underneath
Shall be such bitterness of an old woe.
That April should be shattered by a gust,
That August should be levelled by a rain,
I can endure, and that the lifted dust
Of man should settle to the earth again;
But that a dream can die, will be a thrust
Between my ribs forever of hot pain.

Edna St Vincent Millay

Main Batakha Nahin Hoon. – I am not a duck.

I started learning how to speak the beautiful language of Hindi today.

I can describe people, (he, she, you, me, I) with ten descriptive words. How exciting!

Hopefully this will come in handy when I move to India.

I broke up with the boyfriend today. Ex I suppose now. He needs to GTOD.

The “Reality Distortion Field” (read: denial) around the state of our marriage is beginning to flicker. I’m coming to realize that denial is a powerful coping mechanism to help you get through the day-to-day. As such, in the day-to-day my wife and I pretend that we’re going to continue to live together in this house. I get the impression sometimes that she might even still believe that, at some level.

As a friend good of mine mentioned to me not too long ago: in the past, I haven’t really given my wife reason to believe that I am willing to leave. Of course, that’s because in the past, I wasn’t.

But now when we talk about it when the kids aren’t around (I find I can’t help but point it out, with increasing frequency), we both talk about separate households as our near-term destination. Even if somewhat reluctantly.

With each mention of this, I lament (if only a little) the falling away of denial. Then, denial rears its fishy head once again in the day-to-day conversations, proving how hard it is to sink, and I then have the mixed feelings that comes with it. Should we try to stay together? Am I being too hasty? (Um, yes… I hear one or two of you laughing out there. Cut that out.)

But even if Penny continues to talk during the day as if we still have a future together, I notice that she has dropped all pretense at volunteering any “I love yous.” She truly has become even less affectionate — as if that were even possible without becoming openly hostile. And yet… she has managed to not become openly hostile, and she has withdrawn even further into roommate territory. Next to go will be the perfunctory pecks hello and goodbye, which are the only signs of affection my children see between us, and which are really about as warm as a business handshake with your banker whom you’ve not previously met.

She may or may not attach the same significance to these acts that I do, but for all the talk about our future together, the fact that she grows even more business-like (or roommate like) tells me that she knows we’re done.

I think we may have to cling to a healthy dose of denial for us to all get through the Christmas season with the kids.

But I’m resolved to starting the “what our divorce is going to look like” negotiations no later than the first week of January.

I’d like for the divorce plan (for lack of a better term) mostly agreed upon by the end of March, and our separation to be mutually recognized by then — even if we are unable to afford two separate households by then.

And I want to do my best to make sure we absolutely can afford, and are living in, separate households no later than the end of June.

There. I said it.

I’m committed.

So many years ago, I had to change the wiring in my head in order to be the kind of guy who could really, truly commit to marriage. And mean it. It has taken me many, many years of rejection and other blows to my self-esteem to finally commit to a corrective course of action.

This doesn’t feel like victory. But it does feel… necessary. And about goddamn time.

Stuffed animals

A box of chocolate

Romantic dates

Sweet kisses

Love is in the air.

Tears ran down my cheeks

As he said the final words

Ending our relationship.

I loved you

Supported you

Through thick and thin.

What happened?

How did we get here?

I still love and care for you.

Don’t you feel the same?

“We’re growing apart,” he says.

“Since when?,” I asked.

“In the last few months,” he answered.

What do I do now?

My heart can’t take this pain.

This hurts too much

Too many memories to count.

How could it all end here?

What do I tell my family and friends?

I never saw it coming

Heartache.

There is nothing worse than trying to work on youself and get yourself emotionally prepared for the next love of your life and have people just mess it all up. It’s a weird time when well, you haven’t been single for a very long time. People are attracted to you and some are actually taking the initative to approach you. You then have to remind yourself. This is OK. This is normal. This is what singles do. Date.

So you try to put yourself out there and well give it a shot. I have been talking  to a few guys well that are interested. It’s all very interesting because some of them have very strong connections with me and some are well not so much. Some just like the idea of me and well have forgotten that you really need to get to know me to even think that you  .. “know what I need”.. that you have discovered that you “like me.”

Just because I was either the girl that was taken, the girl that is now single. the girl that catches your eye please take the time to get to know me before you make stupid remarks. “I want to make you mine.”…..” I wanna turn your whole world around.” ….” I want love you like no one has ever.”…. “I wanna be the one for you if you allow me.”

Please take your time. Don’t push yourself on anyone. Don’t assume you got them figured out. Don’t think that its your job to fix their broken past. If your interested in someone who has a recent heart break genuinely be there for the person. Don’t make it more difficult by being selfish and forgetting their needs. If it was meant to happen it will if not please get yourself together, learn, and move on.

-JeRp

For all those who frequent this blog, please pray for my soul. I am extremely sad yet I can’t seem to cry. I want to be with friends and family right now but I am isolating myself. People have given up on me. I know God however hasn’t given up on me. I wish I could redo 2009 all over again, but since that’s not an option, I will have to concentrate on the upcoming year. I messed everything up in 2009.

Jesus, please forgive me. For each time I didn’t listen to You. For all the times I selfishly thought of myself whenever I did something. Thank you for giving me the ability to cry right now. I hurt. There is an empty spot in my heart. I am missing someone deeply. I ask that You fill that void. God, please make the pain go away.

I know I completely lost my focus in life this year. Please direct me. Guide me. I can’t do it alone. I love You, Lord Jesus. I give my life completely to You. I surrender. You are my concentration. You are everything I need in this universe.

Ironic that I was talking about Facebook this week, and then today I noticed both Hunky’s mum and sister de-friended me on Facebook.

I feel quite weird about it. On the one hand, of course it was going to happen at some point. I felt weird taking them off my list, but I assumed that at some point they would make that call. And there’s really no need for me to stay connected to either of them – of course I have no intention of contacting them anyway. The same reason a friend’s husband de-friended Hunky this week – as he said “there’s just no point”. It doesn’t change anything. We can’t be more broken up than we are now.

I suppose the only part that feels a bit sad is that it was obviously a co-ordinated effort. That they’ve been talking about me and he’s obviously asked them to do it. That he wants to ensure there are no ties to me whatsoever. That he is clearly never, ever going to speak to me again. That’s the part that sort of makes me angry. I’m the good guy here. All I ever did for that boy was love him. Maybe I didn’t get it right – maybe WE didn’t get it right – but I sort of feel like I’ve been treated like someone who did something awful to him. Unless there’s something I did that I’m completely unaware of, I really don’t deserve to be cut dead and I’m still disappointed that he’s treated me with so little respect. But… well. So it goes.

I’ve asked the friends I have who haven’t de-friended him to do it. I know they were sort of waiting for my cue, and there is some advantage to them being able to tag me in pictures or let me know things like that he left the country. But if we’re going to cut ties, then hell, let’s cut ties. At this point I think it’s better we know nothing about each other’s lives.

Ah well, off to bed. I’ll feel fine in the morning.

The heart can be such a deceptive organ… I sometimes wish there was no emotional connections to the ones we loved… But I guess that wouldn’t be loving at all?

I guess I’m happy that they both have moved on to other things.

But ya know what? It only makes me stronger. So just move on out like another chapter. I don’t need your fucking tragedy’s.

Yesterday December 19, 2007 Niley broke up and Miley had a concert at the O2 arena in London. She sang “7 Things” and unlike the other days this week she didn’t change the lyrics to anything different than they were written. Are you a Niley fan?

“7 Things on “Niley” Anniversary”