If, by this time, you are a little weary of FROSTY THE SNOWMAN and the remainder of the winter-holiday songbook, may I suggest this as an aesthetic panacea? 

It’s Clint Baker’s New Orleans Jazz Band, recorded by Rae Ann Berry on December 20, 2009, at Pismo Beach, performing WHEN MY DREAMBOAT COMES HOME.  Clint’s happy colleagues are Marc Caparone, trumpet; Dave Caparone, trombone; Mike Baird, alto sax; Carl Sonny Leyland, piano and vocal; Katie Cavera, banjo; Mike Fay, bass; Hal Smith, drums.  Highlights for me are the friendly two-teumpet conversation at the start.  Clint then shifts to trombone so that he and Dave can be a full section; Mike Baird sounds remarkably like Cap’n John Handy on alto; Carl shouts the vocal most endearingly, and that rhythm section rocks — at a tempo that’s not too slow and not too fast, either.

This clip led me into half an hour of etymological research into “dreamboat,” with the lexicographers getting the meanings right — the adored one or something that is adorable — but no one noticed that the song above was a hit in 1935 (music by Dave Franklin, lyrics by Cliff Friend).  Whether lyric writers invent new idioms or they simply make effective use of them in their songs, I wouldn’t say, but having Bing Crosby record this tune for Decca meant that it came into the public consciousness — with versions by Jimmy Rushing with the Basie band, the Bob Crosby Bobcats, Tommy Dorsey, and even Fats Domino, Benda Lee, and Cliff Richard (!) to follow.

Whatever one might make of the etymology, I send the best romantic wishes to all my readers.  May your dreamboat be close at hand, now and always.  And if you are temporarily dreamboat-lacking, may (s)he come to you in 2010 or even earlier!

Postscripts: the American and British sheet music covers, (where “dream boat” is two words), to inspire you:

I was going to do a couple of other days of Christmas songs but I’m bored with this idea already.  In truth, my other favoured Christmas songs are from the 1950s and before anyway – you’ll know them: Brenda Lee singing Jingle Bell Rock and a cute original version I found on You Tube of ‘Frosty the Snowman’.  It’s not that I’m old enough to remember the originals of these (she was quick to say), it’s just that they have stood the test of time. 

No, instead, I’m zapping forward to possibly my favourite ‘modern’ Christmas song:  ‘The Christmas Song’, written by Mel Torme and Bob Wells in 1944 and sung by the distintively mellow voice of Nat King Cole.  Nip to the end of this post to hear it if you wish. 

Otherwise, here’s a taste of modern Christmas which might make you smile (or sardonically sneer in your best Ebenezer Scrooge manner):

Health and Safety Considerations for Christmas Songs

 
The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O’er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions – including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled ‘little’ and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘cash for gold’ etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
 
Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed  -   This is definitely one for Social services

…………………………………..

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
- Charles Dickens, Ebeneezer Scrooge, A Christmas Carol

Hey.  So, I like Christmas music.  Not all of it, of course.  There is some really terrible stuff out there.  But generally, yes, I get excited when the stations turn to 24/7 Christmas tunes.  Crank that stuff up, light up the tree and start baking, and that is a happy moment.

Here are some of my favorite moments in Christmas music.  I will Disclaim this:  I like Christmas carols the most, the songs about Christ and His birth, and consider them to be in a completely separate category from Christmas music.  In spite of that, Christmas-y songs are lots of fun for good ol’ Christmastime festivity and cheer.  Here are some of my favorite moments:

“Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” Brenda Lee.  So good!  I love the instrumental part with that sax solo, where the sax has such a similar tone to her voice.  I’ve never heard a cover as good as the original.

“Last Christmas” George Michael.  So bad, it’s good.  Is there anything else to say about it?

“Step Into Christmas” Elton John.  This song has nothing to do with the holiday at all, except for mentioning it once in the beginning and once in each chorus.  I don’t want to hear it very often (at all), but that first time, it does make me laugh.  And have you ever noticed the bass line?  It’s just silly!  Makes me laugh all over again.

Anything Mannheim Steamroller.  The theatrics.  The details.  The drama.  The synthesized everything!

“Feliz Navidad”  Jose Feliciano.  Best moment: the “a-ha” before the chorus.  Such a happy-sounding song.  And I have heard so many ‘misunderstood lyrics’ over the years it’s hard not to laugh a little just remembering those.  (Police on the dot;  police shot my dog; and from Stella & Oliver– May-meece mommy-dah!)

“Mary’s Boy Child” Boney M.  Island/disco Christmas!  And the story of Christ’s birth, to boot!

#13 – Brenda Lee – “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” – (1960)

Yeah, so this was in Home Alone as well. But who doesn’t love the guitar in this song? It’s so singular in nature and every time I hear it I picture a cardboard cut-out of Michael Jordan riding a miniature train set around a window – in silhouette of course. Also featured prominently in Home Alone (which has to be the greatest movie soundtrack as far as Christmas music goes) was “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” I think the version from the movie might have been by Mel Torme, but I prefer the Judy Garland original. And, although I don’t much care for it – even though everyone else seems to – I feel compelled to at least mention the 1953 cult-hit “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” by then 10-year-old Gayla Peevey.

Marshmallows and Christmas do seem to go together.  Darlene Love and Dean Martin also have notable versions of this holiday confection but many people prefer Brenda Lee.

One of my favorite songs to listen to during the Holidays…

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee

WORD

mortify [mawr-tuh-fahy] v. (used w/ object) 1. to humiliate or shame, as by injury to one’s pride or self-respect 2. to subjugate (the body, passions, etc.) by abstinence, ascetic discipline, or self-inflicted suffering 3. Pathology. to affect with gangrene or necrosis ∞ v. (used w/o object) 4. to practice mortification or disciplinary austerities 5. Pathology. to undergo mortification; become gangrened or necrosed

Note: I am giving the definition of “mortify” because it has been brought to my attention it’s used wrong pretty much all of the time. I have to admit, I learned something new today.

BIRTHDAY

John Labatt (1838), Carlo Ponti (1912), Big Mama Thornton (1926), Rita Moreno (1931), McCoy Tyner (1938), Donna Mills (1942), John Kerry (1943), Brenda Lee (1944), Teri Garr (1947), Bess Armstrong (1953), Jermaine Jackson (1954), Nikki Sixx (1958), Jon Brion (1963), Mo’Nique (1967), Mos Def (1973)

STANDPOINT

This Tiger Woods scandal. Christ.

Thousands of unanswerable questions seem to be flooding the news hourly. None are getting answered.

The facts (maybe) are: (a) At 2am the morning after Thanksgiving, Tiger got into his car and drove into a fire hydrant and then a tree, both within walking distance of his home. (b) His wife reportedly saved him by smashing one of the back windows with a golf club. (c) Tiger didn’t really want to talk about the whole thing, instead he took to dodging police inquiries and issuing vague statements on his website. (d) At least a dozen women jumped out of the woodwork, feeling the sudden urge to tell the world about their sexual misconduct with Woods. (e) Tiger’s mother-in-law was admitted to the hospital with stomach pains that probably had something to do with her son-in-law sleeping with lots of women who were not her daughter. (f) Tiger Woods’ life, no matter how this all plays out, is fucked.

And that sucks for him but he was having sex with hostesses, waitresses and porn stars. Difficult to feel bad for the guy. Difficult, but not implausible. I mean, getting caught for one transgression must be a pretty shitty ordeal. But to get caught having mulitple affairs with at least ten different women within the span of several days? Well, I’m not even sure Bill Clinton could shuck and jive his way clear of something like that.

There is one question, however, I would like answered: Whatever Tiger has done or not done, what’s the difference? How’s it going to change my life?

Sure, it’s interesting to bemoan the current state of a society which seems to (a) shrug its collective shoulders when yet another of its heroes are found to be flawed, and (b) be running out of respectable authority figures and celebrities. We’ve adapted a very another-one-bites-the-dust mentality. Everyone’s rather concerned but no one wholly cares.

There are those overly curious about a situation in which a man who seemingly had everything he could ever want, managed to blunder this bad. People are demanding the truth, soapboxing on the notion we all deserve to know. As usual, the American people want to get down to the bottom of a situation in the interest of mainly being able to say, “I hate my life, but I imagine I’d rather be me than Tiger right now.” It’s always amazed me how determined people are to reveal how fucked up everyone else is.

It’s not like any of it matters.  Woods is under absolutely no obligation to disclose more than he wants. He’s not a politician. He’s broken no laws. In reality, he could pack all ten women he’s been sleeping with into his Cadillac and drive into ten trees. Unless, he’s charged with some sort of crime, he doesn’t have to justify anything. Oh. In addition, he’s also the first billion-dollar athlete, so if O.J. Simpson can kill two people and amble freely out of an actual courtroom, Woods’ gigantic gobs of money will guarantee a night of careless driving and a few years of bad decisions won’t stop him from ambling equally free out the courtroom of public opinion.

Plus, in a few months, possibly a few weeks, everyone will have moved on to the next thing. And I don’t blame it on short memory. Everyone says that and it’s bullshit. The real reason everyone’ll forget about this by the next time Woods steps onto some nationally-televised first tee is once the outrage lessens a bit, most people will start making excuses for Tiger Woods because the execrable things he’s done to his undeserving family will have grown far less significant than the idea of a PGA season without Tiger Woods.

Note: During my research and reading for the above rant, I encountered this piece. As far as I’m concerned, Tiger Woods can do whatever the hell he wants. As long as Glenn Beck is around, everyone else gets a pass.

QUOTATION

The typical gambler might not really understand the probabilistic nuances of the wheel or the dice, but such things seem a bit more tractable than, say, trying to raise a child in this lunatic society of ours. → Arthur S. Reber

TUNE

 Yesterday, I hit up my favorite music store, Main Street Music in Manayunk. (One of the best music shops of all-time, by the way. If you can get there, I highly recommend it.) Anyway, I bought a couple albums. One of them was People Are Soft by local Philadelphia band, The Swimmers. I like the whole album a lot. Go buy it and support your local music scene. Favorite track so far? “Nervous Wreck.”

GALLIMAUFRY

→ For all of out there who wish you could get rid of Facebook forever, there’s now an option. Seppukoo.com is ready to assist you with your virtual suicide. Click here to see how it works.

→ There’s many arguments I can tolerate listening to, no matter how completely wrong they are. But I refuse to hear anyone out who’s not entirely convinced Ted Knight didn’t steal the show in Caddyshack. I know. There are argument to be made for Chevy Chase, Bill Murray and Rodney Dangerfield. But without Judge Smails (link is a small collection of wavs), it would’ve been a lesser film. Still good. Just not as good.  

→ Do you desire with all your heart to have a chihuahua? All you have to do is get on a plane to California, where the little dogs have become an essential purse accessory to the likes of Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus and a slew of other people who don’t really matter. Animal shelters across the state are reporting chihuahuas make up close to 30% of its inhabitants. Seems even idiots are capable of grasping the notion that, after they take it out of their purse, the dog wants to do all kinds of annoying crap like eat and be taken for a walk.

Be sure to read Part 1 to get numbers 11-25 on this list. And now…from the home office in the beautiful, snow covered hills of northcentral West Virginia…The Manofesto’s Top 10 Christmas Carols:

10 Winter Wonderland / Jingle Bells

Ok, so The Top 10 is going to have slightly more than 10 songs. Hey, if the Big 10 conference can get away with having 11 football teams then why should I be forced to stay within arbitrary boundaries?? Anyway, as we move into the upper echelon you will find that the ubiquitous quotient increases exponentially. In other words, now we’re getting to the songs that you sing while caroling and hear on the radio several times per day this time of year. That kind of repetitiveness would serve to drive many of us nuts most of the time, but personally my love for Christmas carols is such that I not only can endure hearing the same song a half dozen times a day for a few weeks, but I actually embrace it.

Jingle Bells is yet another “winter carol”, meaning it’s not actually a Christmas song. Seriously…listen to the lyrics. It never references Jesus, Santa, trees, decorations, gifts, or anything else even remotely associated with Christmas. What it does do is make schlepping around outside in bitter cold and snow sound like fun, which I suppose it would be in a horse drawn sled as opposed to a two ton motor vehicle with hundreds of bad drivers surrounding you and endangering your life. All of us, from the smallest child to the greyest head have probably sung Jingle Bells thousands of times. It’s a happy, upbeat song and that’s a good thing.

Winter Wonderland was written in a sanitarium. I bet you didn’t know that. But it’s not as bad as it sounds. In the 1930’s, when the song was written, sanitariums weren’t places for mental patients…they were simply long term care hospitals, commonly used for folks with tuberculosis. Anyway, another example of a winter song that was not specifically written in reference to Christmas, Winter Wonderland also makes looking outside and realizing that it’s cold and there’s a ton of snow on the ground seem like a positive thing. It describes snow as “glistening” and “a beautiful sight”. The words conspire, frolic, and Eskimo are utilized as well, and that’s impressive and unique. FYI, because I am here not only to entertain but to educate, Parson Brown would have been a preacher. I kind of like that term. Maybe I’ll start calling my minister Parson Rod.

9 Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer / Frosty the Snowman

I realize I am in my late 30’s heading downhill toward 40. But darn it, I am fully in touch with my inner child and proud of it. Evidence that these two songs are the top two children’s’ Christmas songs can be found on your television, where two animated specials featuring Frosty and Rudolph have been annual traditions for over 40 years. Rudolph may be the second example in history where commerce and holiday wonder converged successfully not only on the balance sheet but in the hearts of the American public (leave me a comment on what you think was the first and we’ll see if we’re on the same wavelength). “The most famous reindeer of all” was created by an ad executive for Montgomery Ward department store in 1939. The character grew from that man’s story into the song written by Johnny Marks and recorded by Gene Autry in 1949 into the famous Rankin/Bass animated special first shown on television in 1964. Frosty was likely created in an effort to ride the wave of success brought on by Rudolph, but that’s okay. If one thinks of it as a sequel atleast it’s a good sequel and not something awful like Jaws: The Revenge or Staying Alive. It’s also another game effort to make cold, snowy weather seem pleasant. The Autry version of Rudolph is still the best, but a very close second is a swingin’ cover by Dean Martin, in which he refers to the titular character as Rudy the Red-Beaked Reindeer. How cool is that?? I personally still like the Jimmy Durante version of Frosty used for the television special better than any cover I’ve ever heard.

8 Deck the Halls

Deck the Halls continues the tradition of taking a tune (in this case a Welsh song written in the 16^th century) and then creating appropriate lyrics for it a few hundred years later. A few random notes must be made about the song. “Gay apparel” meant a whole different thing when the words were written and has nothing to do with cross dressing or anything else in relation to sexual preferences. Jolly and merry are both used in the song, another example of painting a picture and telling us exactly how we, ideally, should feel during the Christmas season. And finally, as anyone who has watched the perennial holiday classic A Christmas Story can verify, Deck the Halls is the opening theme music as played by an unknown (atleast to me) but quite lovely brass ensemble. I love to hear this song sung by a choir or a group of carolers, and if it’s going to be played orchestrally it should be played in an old fashioned way, not too jazzed up with modern instruments and stylizations. One should be able to hear the trumpet, the trombone, and the saxophone.

7 Sleigh Ride

Sleigh Ride is the Christmas carol equivalent of Boise State or TCU…one doesn’t really expect to see it highly ranked but that lack of respect doesn’t make it any less worthy. Sleigh Ride is a winter carol not especially written for Christmas and has a lot of similarities both in structure and lyrical content with Jingle Bells and Winter Wonderland. The inaugural version was recorded by The Boston Pops in 1949, and they probably still do it best, though I am torn between their purely instrumental adaptation and those with words, such as Mel Torme and Harry Connick Jr. My best advice is to learn the words…which speak of friends, wintry fairy lands, a wonderland of snow, being nice & rosy and comfy cozy, a fireplace, watching chestnuts pop, coffee & pumpkin pie, and Currier & Ives…then sing along to the Boston Pops rendition.

6 Jingle Bell Rock / Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree

The connection here is obvious…rock. Rock n’ roll swept the nation into a frenzy in the 1950’s, and these carols came along during the latter part of that decade. Both tunes are more what we would today call rockabilly or southern rock, which is probably why I like them so much. I’m a huge fan of bands like Lynyrd Skynyrd, Stray Cats, and ZZ Top, all of whom fall into that genre to some degree. Even Elvis Presley was really a rockabilly artist. Anyway, both of these songs are just a swingin’ good time. As Dick Clark might say, “they have a good beat, and they’re easy to dance to…I give them both a 10”. The original Bobby Helms version of Jingle Bell Rock is still the best, although The Brian Setzer Orchestra did a nice cover. The song is the opening theme for the original Lethal Weapon (one of the best action and Christmas movies of all time) played just before a girl jumps off the top of a high rise apartment building into the roof of a parked car. Brenda Lee did the best and most well known version of Rockin’, and no other cover really stands out as particularly notable. When I hear it I always think of the scene in Home Alone when the bumbling crooks come by what they think is an empty house only to see a happenin’ party going down, a party that is really only MacCaulay Culkin’s Kevin manipulating a bunch of inanimate objects (including a cardboard Michael Jordan).

5 Silent Night

Earlier I made reference to sitting in a candlelit church at midnight on Christmas Eve singing softly. This is the second tune which fits that motif. Silent Night is a German carol written in the early 19^th century by two Austrians. Supposedly the church organ was broken so the two men wrote the song specifically to be played on the guitar. That seems appropriate. Minimalism is the key when it comes to Silent Night. It doesn’t need to be loud, boisterous, or modern in any way. It needs to be simple, almost meditative. I find it perfectly acceptable to sing acapella, but also with just a single instrument, be it guitar, piano, saxophone, or trumpet. The words are quite possibly the most beautiful and eloquent description of the night Jesus was born ever written. I don’t think it is humanly possible for anyone with even an ounce of faith to not have something stir within them when they hear this song. Give me 24 hours with an atheist and an endless loop of Silent Night and I just might be able to accomplish something wonderful.

4 White Christmas

Here we go again with trying to make snow sound positive!! The question I have as a person who hates snow is…why do I get sucked in EVERY time?? Written in 1940 by famed composer Irving Berlin (who also wrote God Bless America, Steppin’ Out with My Baby, There’s No Business Like Show Business and hundreds of other songs), White Christmas was made famous by Bing Crosby, who sang it in the movie Holiday Inn. The song itself inspired another movie (though not a sequel) starring Crosby…you can guess the title. The lyrics provide a perfect mix of wistful nostalgia and old fashioned romantic charm. It’s actually a pretty simple tune, with only two different stanzas that are just repeated. It is the most popular Christmas carol in the world and some say it is the most popular song in history, Christmas or otherwise. Because money grubbing bean counters didn’t really start tracking such things until a decade or so after the song was released no one really knows for sure, but it’s a nice thought. It is certainly influential. Ask yourself this…have you ever hoped, even slightly, for a white Christmas?? Yes, you have…everybody has. The question, again, is why?? Why are we so hell bent on trekking around to various relatives’ houses on Christmas Day in bitter cold and on icy roads?? It makes no logical sense. Christmas would be much easier and more convenient if it were 60 degrees and sunny. But…it just wouldn’t be…right. I blame this song on that kind of insanity being ingrained in to us…this wonderful, beautiful, powerfully expressive song. Because of its popularity dozens…probably hundreds…of artists have covered it. Almost any singer, band, orchestra, or other assorted musical performer who has ever produced a Christmas album puts White Christmas on the playlist. But really, there is only one rendition that is worthy, and that is Crosby’s. That man could sing. Christmas simply isn’t Christmas without White Christmas, and we’re all the better for it.

3 The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire)

Let me get this off my chest right off the bat: I don’t really care for chestnuts. But look over the list so far…how many songs do I love that glorify snowy , cold, wintry weather all while I detest such conditions?? So who cares if I’d rather have a big ol’ hunk of chocolate cake than a bag of toasty chestnuts?? I have to admit though, Nat King Cole makes those chestnuts sound tasty. Written in 1944 during a heat wave by Mel Torme, the song began as a simple effort to “think cool”. I dig irony, and I dig descriptive. Several songs mentioned in this list paint a wonderful, cozy, fun, or nostalgic picture of the Christmas season, but none do it with the elegance and class of The Christmas Song. It talks about “yuletide carols being sung by a choir”, turkey, mistletoe, “tiny tots with their eyes all aglow”, Santa with his sleigh full of toys, and reindeer. It’s not a religious song, and it’s not a fun kids’ song…it’s sentimental without being sappy, lighthearted without being frivolous. The aforementioned Cole did the definitive version, and I tend not to stray far from it, though I do like Torme’s rendition alot. And as much as I hate to admit it, Kenny G does an exquisite instrumental on his saxophone. A piano and/or sax is essential for The Christmas Song, it’s just that kind of tune.

2 Blue Christmas

While White Christmas seems to get all the good PR, I give the nod to another color…blue. Country artist Ernest Tubb originally recorded the song in 1948, but a few years later The King (this time I mean Elvis, not Jesus) came along and the rest is history. I suppose Freud-types would love analyzing a single guy’s bromance with a Christmas carol about unrequited love, and that’s okay with me. It’s completely logical that a man in my situation would appreciate the subject matter, although there’s really no one that I am currently pining away for. Musically it’s a simple song, accompanied best on guitar. Elvis, despite his rockin’ reputation, was an exquisite singer with a sublime voice. I suppose that’s why no other cover quite lives up to his. There is one other version that I really like and it’s a bit off the beaten path. Some years ago a person calling themselves Seymour Swine did Blue Christmas as sung by Porky Pig. Folks, do yourself a favor…if you have not heard Blue Christmas by Porky Pig/Seymour Swine stop whatever you are doing and Google it right now. It is one of the funniest things I have ever heard in my life. I have never been able to find out the story behind Seymour Swine and have never heard any other songs by that artist. I think Blue Christmas may have been recorded live in a radio station or something, as one of the funniest things about it is the guys laughing in the background…it makes the song that much funnier. I don’t know of another Christmas carol that evokes such opposite emotions depending upon who is doing the singing. It’s quite the odd dichotomy.

1 O Holy Night

As bumbling burglar Marv says to his partner Harry in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York…”I’ve reached the top!”. O Holy Night completes the triumvirate of songs best enjoyed in a candlelit church on Christmas Eve. Written in the mid-19^th century in France, it is an emotional account of the night Jesus was born. It refers to the “thrill of hope” as “the weary world rejoices”, a “world in sin and error pining”. It uses words like glorious, divine, beaming, and gleaming to describe that hope, the hope we have in our Savior, Jesus Christ. The song tells us exactly what Jesus is all about, that “He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger”, that “He taught us to love one another, His law is love and His gospel is peace”, and that “chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother, and in his name all oppression shall cease”. If you can’t get on fire for The Lord after reading those words there is something missing and you better get on your knees and search your soul! But…reading the words isn’t even a good substitute for hearing the song. When done right it is soft and tender before building into a powerful crescendo that fills the heart with emotion. Nat King Cole did a great cover in the 60’s, but he doesn’t have quite enough gas in the tank to pull off the climax as well as it should be done. For my money the best cover I’ve heard is probably Josh Groban’s from a few years ago. That dude has some pipes!! I am sure there are other good versions that I am not thinking of at the moment. At any rate, it’s a beautiful song that should be sung acapella or with very minimal instrumentation by a legitimately great singer, not someone who is good looking and can sing just enough to justify making a record (a description that unfortunately describes probably 75% of what you hear on the radio).

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. And God bless us everyone.

I had a short internal struggle over whether or not to give you the Kim Wilde and Mel Smith version of this song, but the Gladallover advent calendar is, when it comes down to it, all about the music, and Brenda Lee sings it much more prettily (sorry, Kim, I still think you’re lovely).

However, if you find you’re in the mood for a spot of Mel and Kim, you’ll find them here.

While I’m feeling political, I thought I’d share another recent Clarke and Dawe gem with you.  These guys are like the Statler and Waldorf of the Australian political stage. Ooh! Did i just compare the Aussie Government to the Muppets?! Ooh!

The background:  In 2008, Australian P.M. Kevin Rudd officially apologized – the first from the Commonwealth government – to Stolen Generations of Australian Aboriginals.  The hundred-year policy, kept in place until the 1970s, allowed for the uncontestable removal of Aboriginal children from their families, and subsequent adoption by white families or missions; officially it was a measure toward education and social elevation but in practice many children were treated as slaves; only a few were able to rediscover their traditional families through documentation.

Two weeks ago, Rudd apologised again, to whom some refer as the “Forgotten Generation” of mostly British children who were treated essentially the same way during the early twentieth century.  Many children were shipped from English (and I presume Irish, etc.) orphanages or state wards, or directly from families, in the promise of better care and income, but raised in horrific, abusive conditions.  Very, very sad.

So Rudd is now known as “The Apologiser”.  He does a pretty good job of it.  Here Clarke and Dawe imagine other things Kevvy could beg pardon for.

(Can’t find a direct video link, click here to watch).

FYI:  Telstra = major phone/internet provider corporation, their CEO resigned last year with a massive bailout and a fat bonus.

Collingwood Magpies = Aussie Rules Football team; imagine if the Dallas Cowboys had fans like the Oakland Raiders…

Land Tax = Property tax.  Mortgage and market value fluctuations, etc.  Taxes are assessed on unimproved property, so there’s almost no profit in renovating.

The Bill = An Australian TV police drama.  I can’t stand it.  “I acknowledge your pain.”  “Thank you. sniff.”

After offering a “Christmas mix, not for Mother” last year, I feel obliged to make amends to your Mom by creating a mix she might like. Yes, it’s all gloriously retro this year. The youngest of the songs, as far as I can tell, is Jim Nabor’s version of Sleigh Ride from 1968; the oldest, Eddie Duchin’s (Don’t Wait Till) The Night Before Christmas, is 30 years older. Most of the songs here come from the 1940s and ’50s. A hurriedly put-together front and back CD cover is included, and as always the mix is timed to fit on a standard CD-R, which might sort out the Christmas prezzie for some relatives. If this mix is popular enough, I’ll do a second volume. Let me know what you think in the comments section (you do know that bloggers really like to receive comments, so don’t be shy).

Fans of The Originals series will appreciate the first version of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by Jimmy Boyd, then 13, which was released in 1952. Boyd died in Mach this year at the age of 70.

TRACKLISTING
1. Sammy Davis, Jr - Christmas Time All Over The World
2. Burl Ives – A Holly Jolly Christmas
3. Billy May - Do You Believe In Santa Claus
4. Dean Martin - Rudolph, The Red-nosed Reindeer
5. Lena Horne - Santa Claus Is Comin To Town
6. Nat ‘King’ Cole – Mrs. Santa Claus
7. Gene Autry – Here Comes Santa Claus
8. Andrews Sisters - Winter Wonderland
9. Connee Boswell - Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
10. Dinah Washington – Ole Santa
11. Fontane Sisters – Nuttin’ For Christmas
12. Frank Sinatra – Jingle Bells
13. Brenda Lee - Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree
14. Ernest Tubb – Blue Christmas
15. Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys – Santa’s On His Way
16. Jogi Jorgensen – I Yust Go Nuts At Christmas
17. DeCastro Sisters - Snowbound For Christmas
18. Jim Nabors – Sleigh Ride
19. Perry Como – Silver Bells
20. Bing Crosby – Frosty The Snowman
21. Jimmy Boyd – I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
22. Louis Armstrong – Zat You, Santa Claus?
23. Lionel Hampton & his Orchestra – Boogie Woogie Santa Claus
24. Judy Garland – Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
25. Ella Fitzgerald – The Secret Of Christmas
26. Eddy Duchin Orchestra – (Don’t Wait Till) The Night Before Christmas
27. Gordon Jenkins Orchestra – White Christmas
28. Les Brown Orchestra feat Doris Day – The Christmas Song
29. Red Foley – Put Christ Back Into Christmas
30. Rosemary Clooney – Happy Christmas, Little Friend

DOWNLOAD

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Christmas Mix, Not For Mother
Any Major Christmas Mix Vol. 2 (2008)
More mixes

This started as a Rhapsody playlist that I put together when I interned there during the last holiday season, but I’m a sucker for Christmas music so much that I decided to break the walls of Rhapsody (and some of the restrictions of their database) and make a real list of the most kick ass Christmas songs of all time.  Some are classic, some are fresh, some are absolute originals, but they’ll all make you feel the holiday spirit.  Here is a list of my 120 favorite Christmas tunes (in no particular order).

[P.S. If you're tired of the same old Christmas albums, here are a few new ones released this year to spice up your collection (some are featured in the list below): Sting's If On a Winter's Night, Bob Dylan's Christmas in the Heart, Straight No Chaser's Christmas Cheer, David Archuleta's Christmas From the Heart, A Very Special Christmas 7 (which is full of awful teeny bopper renditions of formerly good songs - not your typical A Very Special Christmas selection which used to be awesome), A Christmas Story Soundtrack (yes, first being released 16 years after the movie came out), and ironically enough, Neil Diamond's A Cherry Cherry Christmas.]

(Below, check out my Twelve Days of Christmas Movies)

1. Little Saint Nick – the Beach Boys
2. Blue Christmas – Elvis
3. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – John Mellencamp
4. Donde Esta Santa Claus – Guster
5. Happy Xmas (War is Over) – John Lennon
6. White Christmas – Otis Redding
7. Merry Christmas Baby – Sister Hazel
8. No Christmas for Me – Zee Avi
9. Winter Wonderland – Rockapella
10. Santa Claus is Coming to Town – The Jackson 5
11. Jingle Bells – Harry Connick Jr
12. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree – Brenda Lee
13. Run Rudolph Run – Chuck Berry
14. Silver Bells – Brian McKnight
15. Please Come Home for Christmas – Jon Bon Jovi
16. Here Comes Santa Claus – Bob Dylan
17. The 12 Days of Christmas [Live] – Straight No Chaser
18. Sleigh Ride – Debbie  Gibson
19. The Chrirtsmas Song – Nat King Cole
20. Santa Claus is Back in Town – Jonny Lang
21. Home for the Holidays – Tony Lucca
22. Winter Wonderland – the Eurythmics
23. I’ll Be Home for Christmas – Michael Buble
24. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – Ringo Starr
25. Christmas – Blues Traveler
26. Peace – Norah Jones
27. Christmastime – the Smashing Pumpkins
28. Please Come Home for Christmas – Willie Nelswon
29. Winter Wonderland – James Taylor f/ Chris Botti
30. White Christmas – the Drifters
31. Deck the Halls/We Wish You a Merry Christmas – Neil Diamond
32. All I Want for Christmas is You – Mariah Carey
33. River – Joni Mitchell
34. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays – ‘N Sync
35. It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year – Andy Williams
36. This Christmas – Donny Hathaway
37. Blue Christmas - Melissa Etheridge
38. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – Christina Aguilera
39. Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Zooey Deschanel & Leon Redbone
40. Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You – Billy Squire
41. Here Comes Santa Claus – Elvis
42. Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow – Frank Sinatra
43. Last Christmas – the cast of Glee
44. Jingle Bells – Ella Fitzgerald
45. A Holly Jolly Christmas – Burl Ives
46. The 12 Days of Christmas – John Denver & the Muppets
47. Someday at Christmas – Stevie Wonder (the Jackson 5 version is money too)
48. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – Jack Johnson
49. The Christmas Song – ‘N Sync
50. O Holy Night – Brian Setzer
51. Let It Snow! – The Glenn Miller Orchestra
52. Back Door Santa – B.B. King f. John Popper
53. Merry Christmas Baby - Bruce Springsteen
54. Step Into Christmas – Elton John
55. Jingle Bells – Andrea Bocelli f. the  Muppets
56. Silent Night – the Temptations
57. O Come All Ye Faithful – Harry Connick Jr
58. Run Rudolph Run – Sister Hazel
59. Silver Bells – Rockapella
60. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - Brian McKnight
61. Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town – Mariah Carey
62. Last Christmas – Wham!
63. All I Want for Christmas – John Waite
64. Christmas All Over Again – Tom Petty
65. I’ll Be Home for Christmas – David Archuleta
66. Winter Song – Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson
67. What Christmas Means to Me – Stevie Wonder
68. Christmas Time - Bryan Adams
69. Santa Baby – Madonna
70. Sleigh Ride – Diana Krall
71. My Grown Up Christmas List – Kelly Clarkson
72. The Christmas Song – Straight No Chaser
73. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – James Taylor
74. Jingle Bell Rock – Hall & Oates
75. O Holy Night – Tracy Chapman
76. White Christmas – Michael Buble
77. Christmas is All Around Us – Billy Mack (Love Actually)
78. Christmas in New Orleans – Louis Armstrong
79. My Only Wish (This Year) – Britney Spears
80. Merry Christmas Baby – Otis Redding
81. White Christmas – Bing Crosby
82. Santa Claus is Coming to Town – The Pointer Sisters
83. The Night Before Christmas – Carly Simon
84. Happy Xmas (War is Over) – Shinedown
85. O Holy Night (a capella) – ‘N Sync
86. Wonderful Christmastime – Paul McCartney
87. Please Christmas Don’t Be Late – Alvin & the Chipmunks
88. Dominick the Donkey – Lou Monte
89. Jingle Bell Rock – Bobby Helms
90. Feliz Navidad – Jose Feliciano
91. Merry Christmas Baby - Eric Clapton f. Sheryl Crow
92. Silent Night – Zach Gill
93. Please Come Home for Christmas – Sister Hazel
94. O Holy Night – Josh Groban
95. Last Christmas – Taylor Swift
96. Baby It’s Cold Outside – Dean Martin
97. Do You Hear What I Hear – Carrie Underwood
98. The Christmas Song – Hootie & the Blowfish
99. Christmas Blues – Eric Clapton & John Popper
100. Must Be Santa – Raffi
101. Blue Christmas – Andrea Bocelli f. Reba McEntire
102. Silent Night – Gloriana
103. Sleigh Ride – Ella Fitzgerald and Frank DeVol Orchestra
104. Carol of the Bells – Trans-Siberian Orchestra
105. Frosty the Snowman – Fiona Apple
106. Merry Christmas Darling – the Carpenters
107. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – Frank Sinatra
108. Jingle Bells – Brian Setzer
109. Little Dummer Boy – Harry Simeon Chorale
110. Run Rudolph Run – Bryan Adams
111. Merry Christmas Baby – Melissa Etheridge
112. Joy to the World – Whitney Houston
113. Santa Claus is Back in Town – Elvis
114. Christmas Vacation – Mavis Staples
115. The Chanukah Song (Part 1) – Adam Sandler
116. The Chanukah Song (Part 2) – Adam Sandler
117. All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth – the Chipmunks
118. Sleigh Ride – whoever performs it – the version from the Gap commercial a few years ago.
119. Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You – Alexa Vega
120. Auld Lang Syne – Various Artists from the Hotel Cafe Presents Winter Songs 

On the movie front, check out my
12 Days of Christmas Movies

Every year I like to spend a few days before Christmas emersing myself in holiday spirit.  Starting December 12th, I choose 12 different Christmas-related movies to watch each evening until Christmas Eve when the real good stuff kicks in. 

Here are my twelve movies for this year, starting with the 12th day and ending with the only movie I can really ever watch on Christmas Eve. 

(Honorable mentions go to White Christmas and Polar Express.)

12. Look Who’s Talking Now

11. It’s A Wonderful Life

10. Miracle on 34th Street

9.  Home Alone

8. How the Grinch Stole Christmas

7. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

6. The Muppet Christmas Carol

5. A Charlie Brown Christmas

4. Elf

3. Love Actually

2. All I Want for Christmas

1. A Christmas Story

I remember when rock was young.
The songwriters had so much fun.
They took greetings of the holiday,
And played them in a rock-and-roll way!

First came Bobby Helms in 1957 with “Jingle Bell Rock.”

Then Brenda Lee upped the ante in 1958 with “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.”

Audiences swooned, and America’s department stores signed what can only have been an irrevocable, 200-year contract with Helms and Lee to play their songs every ten minutes from Halloween to New Year’s.

Despite near-total saturation of rock-and-roll Christmas songs, some artists have continued to inflict rock-themed songs on us.

(This song topped the Christmas charts in Britain in the ’80s, which is surely a black mark on Lady Thatcher’s premiership.)

Indeed, by the 1980s, they just needed to stop:

(Go, Santa, go . . . far away from here.)

And this profusion of rock-themed ohrwurms has brought with it a hideous array of covers, which are designed to fill in all the empty spots between the original “Jingle Bell Rock” and “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” on the radio. Because we care for you, we’ll leave you with only this example:

(This idea blatantly stolen from France, FTW!)

Current Books: Can I tell you a secret? It takes me forever to read a book. I always have several going at one time and it can take me years (hello, The Fountainhead) to finish one. Right now I’m in the middle of Dead Until Dark, The Man Who Fell in Love with the Moon and A Homemade Life.

Current Playlist: I’m always adding to my beats playlist and recently started compiling a Christmas playlist. Recent iTunes purchase include ’Till I Collapse (Eminem), Forever (Drake), Replay (Iyaz), Go Tell It On the Mountain (Jim Nabors) and Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree (Brenda Lee). Yes, I’m kind of a Top 40 whore.

Current Guilty Pleasure: Hershey’s Kisses at work. I don’t usually eat sweets at the office, but my boss bought me a bag and I can’t say no to Hershey’s chocolate.

Current Color: Black. When in doubt, I always go for black. Or green (but not dark green).

Current Drink: Water, Mountain Dew (I allow myself one can a day during the week) and this fantastic raspberry pomegranate juice I found last week at the grocery store. SO good.

Current Food: I’ve been eating a lot of pasta e ceci over the past 10 days. I’m also obsessed with Snyder’s of Hanover Sourdough Nibblers.

Current Favorite Show: I can never pick a favorite. Also, please don’t judge me based on my fascination with “reality” stars. That said, these days I always tune in to Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, The Real Housewives of Orange County, The Hills, Fringe, Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters.

Current Wishlist: A car made in this decade. King-size flannel sheets. A bed frame. T-shirts from mental_floss.

Current Needs: Nada

Current Triumphs: Taking care of the car situation by myself without hyperventilating. Actually, taking care of just about everything by myself  since September 14.

Current Bane Of My Existence: Brian being away. I’m sure you’re all sick of hearing about it, but it’s true.

Current Celebrity Crush: Ed Westwick, Mark Ruffalo, Joshua Jackson … and mayyyyyyybe Justin Bobby. That guy is a total dbag, but way easy on the eyes.

Current Indulgence:  Is this different than my current guilty pleasure? OK, pizza rolls and ice cream. I’m trying to clear out all the bad (read: unhealthy) crap from my freezer … by eating it.

Current Blessing: My whole life is a blessing. Love, work, food on the table and a roof over my head.

Current Slang: A compendium of words and phrases I’ve picked up over the years. Examples include “super pissed with cheese” and “your mom.”

Current Outfit: Black North Face fleece jacket, magenta V-neck sweater, jeans, Montrail hiking boots

Woman Reporter Dragged Away by Obama Security

Talk about life on the road!

Musicians come in all shapes and sizes.  They normally fall on a continuum between being primarily a live musician and being a studio player.  In the lifetime of a musician, they can certainly be both.  But each major category has its characteristics.  One of which is accuracy.  When you see a live show, if the lead guitarist misses a note, by the third song you may forget this and be rocking out to his encore at the end of the concert.  In the studio, time is money and the more accurate the better.

Improvisation certainly links the two categories.  Talented musicians who can creatively express the melody will always be entertaining on the road and lend a cool sound to a studio project.  The ends of the spectrum do come with different lifestyles.  Some people like getting up driving to work and being home at night to enjoy their family and favorite tv show and others like the thrill of the road – travel, uncertainty, and the roar of a live crowd.  For the people who would rather be a touring musician, it is hard to know where to start.

I had the chance to ask Frank Michels, a veteran “sideman” in Nashville, about his time on and off the road.  He has played for such entertainers as Brenda Lee, Tanya Tucker, Ronnie McDowell, and currently, Michelle Wright.  Hopefully you will gain some insight from his experiences:

How did you get your first Artist gig when you came to Nashville?

When I first came to Nashville in 1984, there were still bands playing in Holiday Inn lounges and bars all around the area, and I got a job playing lead guitar and fiddle for a local country band.  I also hung out in the bars that had jam sessions in order to meet other musicians.  I got my first major audition with Brenda Lee when her bandleader called me after seeing my info card down at the musician’s union.  They liked the fact that I sang and played other instruments besides guitar, and I was hired.  A couple weeks later I was on a tour bus headed for Lake Tahoe, Ca, and a two week gig in a casino showroom.

What advice would you give to young musicians coming here today?

It doesn’t matter how good you are if no one knows who you are.  Most artist gigs are filled by word of mouth, so you have to make it your mission to meet as many other musicians as you can, by hanging at the jam sessions, doing little gigs even if they don’t pay much, and introducing yourself to the players in the honky-tonks down on lower Broad Street.  If you leave the impression that you are reliable, talented, and easy to get along with, sooner or later you’ll get recommended for an open slot in a band, if you can ace the audition.

How important is it to belong to the musicians union?

If you intend to try and break in to the world of session musicians, I would say it’s essential.  But for road work, it has become much less important than it used to be.  For some, it can be a place to develop contacts that lead to gigs, but for most non-studio players, it can seem like a place that collects dues from you, but doesn’t help you very much.  If you get a job with an artist that requires union membership, you can always join then.

How much does appearance matter?

Just like any other job interview, the way you present yourself can mean the difference between getting a job or not, unless your playing is so incredibly great that it doesn’t matter as much.  Today’s country music singers spend much of their time connecting with fans through TV appearances and music videos, and they don’t want someone who looks like a homeless street person in their band.  If you have a scraggly beard, trim it.  If you are overweight, go on a diet.  On more than one occasion I’ve seen a female artist hire a sideman against the advice of her other band members, just because that person fit into the image she wanted to present to the public.

What about equipment?

You should have professional-quality music gear appropriate for the instrument you play.  Drummers should polish their cymbals, stands and drums so they look good on stage.  Guitarists need to have both a Fender and a Gibson-style electric guitar, plus a good quality acoustic, and enough effects pedals to get any sound you can hear on contemporary radio.  Keyboard guys need a basic great piano sound, plus another keyboard for organ, strings, etc.  Bass players should be comfortable on a 5 string, and for some groups, stand up bass.

How much money can a sideman make?

It all depends on how successful the artist is that you land a gig with.  Most folks don’t become musicians because they want to get rich, there are a lot easier ways to do that.  If you play with a singer whose best days are behind him or her, at dinky county fairs on weekends, you can make about $20K a year.  If you back up a star at the top of the charts, you might pull down $100K…but most sidemen I know have other things going on the side.  For instance, I have a demo studio in my house and do song demos in between road gigs.

Frank’s experience makes his practical advice hard to find and history very fun to listen to.  Hopefully his story will encourage you to get your game face on and put a more realistic yet professional foot forward.  The road is calling your name, but you have to know how to find it.  Leave your comments below if you have questions or additional advice for musicians eager to be in the band of an artist.