I woke to tears this morning. Pain so deep that it aches in ways I’ve never felt before.

I hardly talk to him anymore, last night it was a few words before he told me she was sitting there with him. She knows we’re friends I guess and all the things that were unique and special about me are things she’s starting to do. He won’t need me anymore and just the way he says friend is enough to kill me.

I’m so incredibly stupid. I should just keep to myself, any time I’ve ever taken a risk I end up being told there is someone better than me. I’m tired of coming in second, tired of someone else always being better.

It’s so hurtful to keep getting told how great and awesome you are BUT not good enough because they need something else. Some physical attribute that I don’t have. I shouldn’t want someone who thinks like that, I tell myself it all the time but you get pulled in and you’re told you’re great only to have the rug snatched out from under you and your head hits the hard floor. One of these days it’s going to happen and my head is just going to smash to a million tiny pieces.

If she’s so great why do you keep talking to me? Why do you keep talking to other girls? What the fuck is wrong with you?

With this pain it’s easier for other ones to keep surfacing. It’s like a gashed open wound and all the blood and puss just keep coming through. I keep thinking about another guy who flirted with me, told me how important personality is and how it’s so much more important than looks yet while taking me out for a drink kept texting this other girl the entire time. Then a kiss and the words it’s really not fair to her…

If it’s not fair to her why the fuck would you do that to me? What about what is fair to me? The worst part about it, we’re still friends. It’s like a guy needs to make sure they emotionally destroy me before just being friends. Why do I keep getting punished?

I can’t do this anymore so I stopped talking to the guy above. From time to time he says hi, whatever.

When will I be the one?

Banyak sudah kisah yang kita dengar tentang keajaiban organ ini. Dalam haditsnya, Rasul berkata bahwa jika benda ini baik maka seluruh tubuh akan baik. Ya, inilah dia, hati.

Pernah juga tertangkap olehku bahwa hati itu laksana cermin, sedangkan ilmu bagaikan nur (Cahaya). Berbuat maksiat diibaratkan dengan bernafas di depan cermin. Cermin menjadi kabur, dan cahaya tak akan dapat menembusnya. Akibatnya, ilmu yang kita dapat adalah pengetahuan yang setengah-setengah, jika pun kita mendapatkannya secara total, mungkin kita tidak akan mendapatkan berkah dari pengetahuan tersebut.

Seorang gadis pernah bertanya padaku, apakah kau tahu, mengapa simbol hati yang kita gunakan selama ini adalah daun waru, dua bagian atasnya tumpul, sedangkan bagian bawahnya runcing? Kujawab, ada beberapa analisis tentang ini. Hati terbagi menjadi dua bagian yang simetris, satu sisi menyimbolkan laki-laki sedangkan sisi lain adalah perempuan. Dua sisi ini tidak dapat dipisahkan, jika dipisahkan ia akan menjadi hati yang setengah. Yang tak dapat satu dan menyatu. Ini pertanda bahwa laki-laki membutuhkan perempuan dan sebaliknya. Ketika bagian ini menyatu, jadilah ia sesuatu yang normal, perfect.

Ada hal yang menarik, bentuk tumpul dua buah di atas daun waru adalah simbol bahwa hati memiliki kemampuan untuk saling mengasihi, menyayangi, melebihi dari kemampuan apapun yang ada. Bahkan logika sekali pun. Hal ini diimbangi dengan sisi runcing yang sangat tajam, menunjukkan bahwa hati memiliki potensi untuk saling menyakiti. Jika ini terjadi, hubungan pria dan wanita yang selama ini terjalin, pasti akan porak-poranda.

Hati disimbolkan berwarna merah, selain sebagai simbol bahwa kemampuan hati akan mempengaruhi seluruh bagian tubuh yang dialiri darah, warna merah (berani) juga menyatakan bahwa hati adalah penetralisir yang sangat berani mengorbankan dirinya dalam menetralisir racun yang berbahaya bagi tubuh.

Penggunaan kata heart dan liver juga menjadi salah satu fenomena. Heart digunakan ketika kita berbicara tentang hal-hal yang tidak berhubungan dengan jasad manusia, tepatnya ketika kita berbicara tentang dunia metafisik yang tak dapat terjangkau oleh mata. Ketika dua insan digeluti rasa gelisah tanpa kata saat asmara datang menyatukan mereka. Liver dipakai saat kita bercerita tentang kesehatan, jasad nyata.

Penelitian juga membuktikan bahwa kemampuan menyimpan informasi tidak hanya berada pada otak manusia, tapi ini ada hubungannya dengan hati. Jika sedari dulu orang selalu mencari tau tentang hakikat diri, maka benda ini adalah benda yang paling sulit dijangkau, dalam hubungannya dengan ruh, dengan jiwa, dengan nyawa. Meski tak mampu memahami hati secara penuh, kita dapat merasakan pengaruh hati yang sangat besar dalam hidup. Ketika kita jatuh cinta, hati kita selalu berbunga bak taman bergantung Babilonia. Ketika cinta terpisah, hati kita hancur berkeping, sakit. Ketika kita membenci sesuatu, hati kita mampu membuat kita sesak nafas. Dan ketika kita mendengar lagu-lagu tentang cinta, syair asmara, irama jiwa, hati kita trenyuh, haru biru.

Wahai Yang Membolak-Balikkan hati, tetapkanlah hatiku pada Agama-Mu.

I’m going to start with a cliche, and continue from there.  Opposites Attract.  Apparently.  However, what is wrong with people who are opposites is that whilst the banter and attraction may be there- the life aims, morals, values and upbringing can be so different that it will rarely work out. 

I’ve been in one of these “opposites attract” relationships, and it just gets really destructive.  Speaking personally here, I got to the stage where I hated who I was because of how I acted and how I was made to act in that situation.  I wasn’t entirely at fault, but I wasn’t the victim either (Ha!  ME! A victim!).  In fact, it was pretty equally messed up- we pushed each other to the limits.  This was good in some areas, and it certainly opened my mind up a lot.  I still think about it all the time, which isn’t ever a great thing to admit (and I am a little bit embarassed to say it here, but it’s the truth).  But in the end, it drove us apart. 

You lie because you want to see if they care.  They lie, because they don’t want to hurt you.  You say something to hurt them, because you are hurting.  They act inappropriately, you say things they don’t like.  It’s an endless cycle of pain.

The worst thing is that it really doesn’t matter how much you like someone, or how much you appreciate them, or how much you are willing to change who you are to fit in with them.  If you aren’t heading in the same direction in your life- why continue the sadness?  You can’t pretend to be someone you aren’t.  I can’t pretend to want to be a house-wife who has no interest in journalism.  It just… isn’t possible.  And yeah, it sucks.  And sometimes I sit there and wonder- is what I am doing worth it?  Well, it must be, because I’m going through with it.

It isn’t anyones fault.  I went through the blaming period.  Hating myself, then hating him.  It’s never fair to carry on like this.  Both of your points of view are valid- and denying either person isn’t fair.  In the end you have to honour your own wishes, because no one else ever will.  Just think- will I be able to achieve everything I want with these restrictions (although that is a bad word for it) placed on me?

Breakups are disgusting.  They bring the worst out in people.  They make you feel vulnerable and alone, no matter what end of the spectrum you are on.  You delete all their photos, messages, emails, screw up all their letters and sit there in the middle of the wreckage and wallow.  All the good moments go through your mind, you wonder if anyone else will ever love you despite all your flaws, and if anyone else will love those stupid details about you that they normally only notice in movies. And let me tell you a few secrets…
It isn’t going to stop hurting “with time”.  Sure, you might think about it less, but when you do think about it- it is still going to hurt.
You will regret it.  But it doesn’t mean it wasn’t the wrong thing to do. 
When you listen to songs/watch certain movies/ accidentally dig out an old diary- every feeling you thought was gone forever suddenly overwhelms you from nowhere. 
No matter how perfect you NOW think your relationship was… remember why you broke up, there is a reason.

Live your life.  It’s who you are, and what you were meant to do.  Never cut your potential short for someone else.

Addiction

I can still feel you, trapped inside my core,
I pulse around you, my drug, my lifeline,
and the day after is always a little harder
your smell is embedded in the sheets
not the wedding presents, but my recovery.
Nights, I read you, wordlessly
and you’re merciless in your demand,
obtrusive and tidal. My pain
outweighs your gifts
my head pounds with withdrawal
and I wait for near darkness
when I might peak again.
If you apologize for the indecency,
my denial will crouch
in the wrinkles where I’ve kissed you.
If you talk me into it,
I’ll oblige, accept my shortfalls,
and mourn another moment
that I pawned for your attentions,
however dissolute.
Regardless of your intentions,
I belong to you.

¿Qué significa que alguien te diga que eres una gran persona? ¿Qué vales mucho y que tienes muchas cosas que le podrían gustar…a alguien más? A eso vino un amigo esta tarde, a platicar que le dijeron eso. Que es una persona muy inteligente y sabe mucho pero no es lo suficiente para la persona que le gusta. Eso me ha pasado muchas veces, también. Es tan común.

Creo que las personas deberían de decir, simplemente, no me interesa, para que adornar con adjetivos. Es cordial y grato simplemente escuchar, lo siento no es el momento, punto y aparte y adiós. No hay nada como hablar con la verdad y decir, no se puede, no me gustas, estoy comprometido con alguien más. Es como esta monita de Crepúsculo, que le da alas al pobre lobo y luego, bueno ya se saben la historia.

Cuando no se puede, lo siento, se acaba la ilusión pero al menos estás consciente de lo que sucede. Es feo cuando te dejan con el sentimiento en la boca sin poderlo expresar, por que eso también sucede. Pero es tan cliché decir, “Eres un gran persona, pero no eres para mí” Enserio, ¿De qué sirve? Todos sabemos que somos grandes personas por eso intentamos conquistar a alguien, bueno no es una razón, pero es parte del enamoramiento y conquista, hacerle ver a la persona que vales más que los demás.

Pero bueno. Simplemente sean honestos consigo mismos y digan NO cuando realmente lo tienen que decir.

Ánimo: Molesto

Canción: Las cartas sobre la mesa – Raúl Ornelas

—————————-

A restless girl shivered, her weathered hands clutching the damp scarf draped around her neck. She felt suffocated, but not by the prickling wool or the moist air she inhaled.

Memories shaped as rough hands enclosed her throat with their slick fingers, an ice cold grip making her gasp.

The mental trace of him in her mind led to the perfect lines of his face, the gentle dent in his chin, a voice that always sounded husky as if it had just woken up and carried the blissful memory of the night before.

Having lost her way inside of her thoughts, the craving for a man she had long lost now overwhelmed her mental capability of staying sane.

She needed his romance more than the sleep that hunted her this night.

Hard words had driven him away from her but her heart still couldn’t agree with the “I never want to see you again” her lips had formed.

Actually, she wanted nothing more but to see his face throughout the day, walk next to him when he looked up at the sky and sighed, determine every step he took as the rain splashed down on him.

He had become too much of who she was, yes, as if his glance was now to be seen in everyone’s eyes, as if the radio kept playing songs he only liked and the fact his name appeared in every random TV show.

He was everywhere. He meant everything. Nothing else mattered; until he started to cry the night before this one.

They were holding each other, their eyes fixed on a bright yet lonely moon. She felt a sharp wind blowing through her hair and mind, realizing she would never be able to let go of the boy who sacrificed himself to her.

He was the piano she could never play, he formed the strings she didn’t even need to touch in order to form a melody. A melody of a perfect understanding between two lovers. The musician and the music, needing each other to exist.

But when she kissed his cheek gently and tasted his salty tears clinging to her needy lips, her body froze over and cold hands grasped his shoulders.

Her hero couldn’t be ordinary. Cause if he hurt, she would hurt even more.

“I have to leave in two days,” his response to her desperate gaze had dislodged the lock to her fear she usually tucked away deep down.

When he left, there was nothing to believe in anymore. She had begged him not to go, to leave his career plans for the wolves to devour them. She promised him more than the bright moon watching them could ever offer, but he refused to be her hero any longer.

“I’ll come back for you,” he had sobbed, but she couldn’t wait for her soul to break down to pieces until he’d come back to glue her up again.

“If you leave now, I never want to see you again,” she had spat the threat right at him, leaving him frightened and small.

No reply came. She left before he could.

She ran, ran through the streets to try and hide from the words he had spoken, the truth he had finally brought up.

And here she ran again. A day full of wandering and thinking over the cruelty of her lover’s faith had passed. What if he’d never come back and was to die alone without having kissed her goodbye? What if he had no choice but to leave, because he needed to keep up appearances when it came to the rest of the world?

There was more to his life than their own little world. She had been selfish.

When the moon softly slipped into the twilight, her eyes stayed fixed on its luminance. Her boy was the sun she could no longer see and she formed the moon that was able to shine in his shadow.

She had left this boy she loved to cry by himself.

Tears couldn’t heal if there were more to concur.

So she ran, tripped over rocks of guilt and drudged through her sorrow. He was leaving by dawn and she would offer him her bare love if he still wanted to accept it. She would be left behind but he would leave with her smile sticking to his melting heart.

Right now it was the only thing that mattered to her.

Her legs carried her light weight easily, though her heavy heart made her feel like she had to drag herself towards her baby’s house.

He was there. Head down, face hidden in the giant hoodie he loved stealing from his brother, eyes checking his watch every five seconds and a mind cursing time for flying by so easily.

It felt like his sadness radiated off of him, like the rays of light coming from the man that she called her sun burned her beautiful skin until she was soft and unimportant as the dust that crept over the pavement.

If she’d lay down here, would he step over her? Maybe even crush her. She’d let him, because she’d understand.

The rain poured, as she held out her hands to touch his crooked back with her scarlet hands. The blood of an executed love stuck to her fingers, but maybe it wasn’t too late to still undo what she had done.

She barely recognized his face as he turned around, pools of dark water forming eyes she used to admire. They were flowing over, a flood washing the once so vibrant color off his cheeks.

He opened his mouth, his bottom lip shaking, tiny curves dancing on his wrinkled forehead.

“Don’t worry, you’ll never see me again, as you wished,” his voice tensed, his body shut down.

She cupped his face with her shaky hands, trying to keep him from closing his eyes. The weeping coming from the sky seemed to trickle out of the black wounds plastered to the moon hovering above them.

“I love you,” she whispered gently, a sweet wave of honesty fanning over his face.

She had never, ever before, spoken the words he had always longed to hear. He knew she needed him, but he never really knew why. That’s why he decided to leave in the first place. He never wished to be someone’s savior, if that person couldn’t save him from a lonely heart.

He was no hero, he was in love.

“You look beautiful in the rain,” he smiled softly, his thumbs stroking her shivery lips.

She looked up at him shyly, rolling her eyes subtly and leaning into him so she could steal some of his warmth.

“I’m sorry I-“ she breathed against his lips, but he caught them in a kiss before she could finish her sentence.

He held her in his arms as she pulled him even closer. Saving each other. Loving each other.

“Come with me,” he broke the hasty moment of needy affection, slipping his hand through her soaked hair.

“Let’s make the world ours.”

—————————-

Dedicated to my friends (Kim, Wien, Laura,… I love you), my mom,my inspirational artists, my bro and these amazing people on twitter & elsewhere who continue to support me: Chantelle Paige, Audrey Kitching, Richie, Emilio, Desi & Tracie, Tara, Vicki, Vincent, Pauline,Sofie, Hanna,Aino, Susslianne, Shayenne, Laure, Anabeli, Ristarx, ErikaWTF, Free, Evelien, __Lindy, Tomkaulitzluv, Ladysteffita, Starburst_Sarah, Tjailadiamond, Licia, Saar, Chantelledaily, Joke, James, Marco,Sharon, Anke, cigimuz, Jmin4C4dillac, lostmymind, ChanFamParty and especially the sweet Nina. + so many more…Thank you for inspiring me. I love you all.xoxo

You’ve got that perfect mask,

Of pity and concern,

Layered over apathy,

Oh all the wicked things you’ve learned,

You say you just need time,

You say you just need space,

I can’t hear your words,

I’m too busy reading to your face,

It’s saying it’s too late,

It’s saying that time was never there,

All your dreams, your hopes, your needs,

Well I wish that I could care,

Yeah you wish that you could care,

But you say you’re tired,

You’ve been in love for too long, now, too long, oh no oh no,

And I say I’m sorry love,

But I don’t know what I did wrong, now, what’s wrong, whoa-ho-oh-oh,

I’ve done all I can,

To be yours, to be the perfect man,

For you love,

The man, for you love,

But all the work in the world,

All the pretty words mean nothing girl,

When you don’t want to be loved,

God knows you don’t want my love,

You say you want to be set free,

Far from love, yeah, that’s far from me, love, far from me,

You say you’ve gone to find yourself dear,

Well I found you, you’ve always been right here, love, right here,

But you say you’re tired,

You’ve been in love for too long, now,  too long tonight, Jesus Christ,

And I say I’m sorry love,

But I don’t know what I did wrong, now, what’s wrong now with us,

Yeah but I know someday,

Someday you’ll have found yourself you see,

You’ll figure out what you want,

Oh girl you’ll find what it is you need,

And you’ll think back,

You’ll think back on what you had,

And it’s only fair,

What you always wanted was always there,

And I can’t wait to see the day,

When you come by my way,

No I can’t wait to see the day,

When I get to hear you say,

I thought I wanted to be set free,

Far from love, but baby, I want you to love me, oh boy,

I went and I found myself dear,

I realized, my place here, with you boy, it’s hear,

And I’ll smile as I say,

I’ll say I’m tired,

And well, hell, you know the rest.

Setelah melewati malam yang menyesakkan, akhirnya saia putuskan untuk sedikit bercerita disini…

Permasalahan klasik yang lagi-lagi datang dalam kehidupan saia sebagai manusia. Permasalahan yang tidak akan ada habis dibahas hingga akhir zaman…
Ya, ini adalah cinta…

Beberapa waktu terakhir saia dekat dengan seseorang, kita sebut saja dengan “X”…
Saia dan X berada dalam hubungan yang agak sedikit abu-abu. Lebih dari teman, lebih dari sahabat tapi kami tidak berpacaran…
Hingga pada suatu saat timbul sebuah pertanyaan, akan dibawa kemana semua ini. Dan saia mempercayai cinta datang karena terbiasa. Kebiasaan bersama itulah yang membuat akhirnya perasaan KEMBALI mengalahkan logika…

Awalnya si X yang menanyakan tentang kejelasan hubungan, dan itu sempat membuat saia berpikir hal yang sama. Pada saat itu saia belum bisa memberikan keputusan dan kepastian. Tapi beberapa hari kemudian saia kembali menanyakan hal yang sama kepada X, aneh nya kali ini X yang tidak bisa memberikan jawaban dan meminta saia untuk menunggu…
Dan akhirnya saia bersedia menunggu. Namun hari-hari yang terlewati setelah itu semakin menyakitkan buat saia. Perasaan mulai menutup mata dan telinga logika untuk berpikir dan bertindak logis. Semuanya begitu menyesakkan dan saia tetap saja menanti akan hadir nya sebuah kepastian…

Setelah kembali membahas semua nya bersama, saia mendengarkan semua pendapatnya. X bilang kalo dia belum yakin terhadap saia, ada sesuatu yang mengganjal katanya. Tapi X tidak tahu apa itu…
Saia mencoba meyakinkan nya bahwa saia sudah serius. Karena bagi saia setiap hubungan dan kedekatan itu adalah hal serius bukan hanya untuk kesenangan semata. Dan pada akhirnya saia kembali mendapatkan jawaban yang mengambang…

Hingga pada suatu hari, X bercerita ada orang lain juga yang sedang MENDEKATI ny (sebut saja Z)…
Saia menanggapi nya dengan hati terbuka. Inilah kehidupan cinta, pasti akan ada persaingan di dalamnya. Yang saia lakukan hanyalah mencoba meyakinkannya bahwa saia serius dan bukan untuk main-main…

Tapi kenyataan apa yang saia dapat?
X tiba-tiba saja menghindari saia. Sms gak dibalas, telepon gak diangkat. Saia mulai curiga, dan bertekad harus mendapatkan penjelasan…
Ternyata di hari X bercerita bahwa Z sedang mendekati nya kurang lebih selama seminggu terakhir, tenyata malamnya mereka telah jadian…
Tiada kata maaf, tidak penjelasan. X langsung saja menghilangkan diri nya dari saia. Apa dia sadar bahwa saia adalah manusia biasa yang punya perasaan???
Y Allah, ternyata dari pengalaman-pengalaman pahit yang saia alami selama ini masih ada pengalaman yang lebih pahit lagi…
Tapi apa yang bisa saia lakukan? Saia memang bukan siapa-siapa…

Cinta itu memang kejam, cinta itu memang menyakitkan…
Saia tidak akan menyalahkan siapa-siapa, yang salah adalah diri saia sendiri. Dan kini saia mencoba bangkit untuk kesekian kalinya. Kembali berdiri dan bersiap untuk mungkin jatuh kembali di lain hari. Masih banyak bagian tubuh yang belum terluka, mungkin saia akan mendapatkan luka dalam bentuk kisah yang lain…
Ada teman yang menasehati, “sakit yang kamu terima sekarang ini bukan cuma sekedar luka, tapi pelajaran yang harus kamu ambil maknanya. Pandanglah masalah ini dari sisi lain maka kamu akan bisa melihat semuanya menjadi baik”…

That’s one of my life story…
That’s one of my hurt and my lesson…
Thanks for reading, happy blogging everyone… =]

HANKY 41

Too many LIES can weaken one’s trust…

Too much BETRAYALS can cause a person to be afraid

And the sad truth is …

Too much PAIN felt by a loving heart can cause it to freeze

Till it goes numb by the never ending pain,

Until it doesnt feel any love… anymore.  (Sad but true)

HANKY 42

To love someone doesn’t mean to commit with that person.

Sometimes you just have to be satisfied with whatever connection you have with that special one.

Isn’t it sad when you are so much in love right now, but you cant freely let it out?

And your so damn scared to show it to all cause of one reason?  ITS COMPLICATED

HANKY 43

Are we really hurt because we can’t tell the person we love what we really feel? Or are we hurt because at the back of our minds we know that telling the object of our affection what we really feel wont make any difference

HANKY 44

People must try to be sensitive…

cause not everyone is strong enough to endure pain.

After all there’s no anesthesia for a broken heart

HANKY 45

What makes us a FOOL??? When it hurt us to the core seeing the one you love with somebody else, but still, you keep on staring.

HANKY 46

UNCERTIANITY is the biggest torture in love.

You feel jealous yet you cant complain. You can get hurt yet you cant show it. You can love with your all yet you cant say it. All you can do is watch, keep the pain, enjoy, the smiles, hugs and kisses then show how much that person means to you

HANKY 47

The love you cant have….

Last’s the longest

Feels the strongest

And hurts the MOST.

HANKY 48

Akala mo hindi ka niya mahal dahil mas pinili nyang maging magkaibigan na lang kayo….

pero ang hindi mo alam… higit ka niyang mahal dahil pinili niya kung saan kayo mas magtatagal

(this message really makes me cry…why cant we be more than friends – AJ)

HANKY 49

In this world, it’s hard to tell who’s true and who’s not

People may be good at the beginning and be cruel in the end;

If your too trusting, they’ll take advantage of you;

if they know your weak, they’ll hurt you and suck the blood our from your veins;

after loving them, they’ll leave you behind… gasping for air.

The weekend I was calm, I even waited a whole week to write you, I felt calm because I was distracted I didn’t dream about you last night and didn’t cry myself to sleep…

But today I went to the movies, and saw twilight, every image of the two lovers, reminded me of you, and here I am… sobbing again for the same reason, just when I thought I could control myself, I am the same wreck again, like if it was yesterday.

I give up, I’ll stop thinking when is this going to stop…

that you told me i was your true love
that i believed you
that i opened my heart to you
that you broke it
that you asked me about my hopes and dreams
that i turned my life upside down for nothing
that i wake up in the middle of the night thinking of you
that my body still aches for you
that i can hear your voice in my head
that you erased me from your life like i never existed
that i hope every day that i’ll hear from you
that i miss you
that i still love you

When I was in College, one of my roommates dated a count who basically gave her everything she wanted, and even things she didn’t wish at first. She met him by accident. He left his wallet at the bar next to where she was sitting. And she ran after him in the street to give it back to him. He invited her to dinner to thank her, and  they started dating shortly after. From the beginning, he was very generous with her. The day he was picking her for the restaurant, he bought her red roses. On the third date they spent together, he offered her a bracelet. On the fifth, a necklace. Coordinated with her bracelet. And he wanted to introduce her to his parents very quickly. But my roommate called it quits. She became scared a little bit of all of those attentions. “It was way too much for me. I felt I didn’t fit in his world, because I don’t come from the same caste than him. And I didn’t feel anything for him. I didn’t love him as he wanted” she said.

Back then, my other roommates were appalled with her decision. They told her they would have swapped her place anytime and that she was an idiot to let such a charming guy go like she did. But her answer was a bit surprising. “I saw my mother dying of boredom in her marriage to my father who gave her everything she wanted. His fortune didn’t stop her to ask for a divorce. She said that wealth is a great thing, but if you feel imprisonated in your relationship by it, it’s not worth it. And I don’t want to repeat the mistake my mother made” she said. She also added that she didn’t need a man to make her fortune, she could make it on her own.

I remember asking her what she wanted from a man, and she replied that she only wants him to “give her butterflies in her stomach“. “It doesn’t take a lot of money to do so“  she added. When we finished College, she moved in with her man, a photographer, who didn’t earn a lot of money, but gave her plenty of butterflies in her stomach. I haven’t heard about her ever since.

Years later, when I was a banker, I could see that there’s no universal rule for love. Some of my clients were ruined by a husband who left them nothing but debts, because they were too in love to think about a prenup when they married. Some of my clients left their husband because they had enough. Some of them cheated on him.

So, I believe that butterflies in your stomach is a good thing, but some cautions are also worth once in a while.

]]> http://pcloeb.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/dandelions/ Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:25:13 +0000 pcloeb http://pcloeb.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/dandelions/ http://ihopenooneknowsyet.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/194/ Sun, 22 Nov 2009 15:31:00 +0000 ihopenooneknowsyet http://ihopenooneknowsyet.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/194/

Fighting for something that came out of my womb
This can’t be real
I know that i will awake soon
Hard to keep my mind on anything else
Loosing my heart, and can’t get help
Lost the battle in 2006
Ain’t this some shit.
Could have had you by my side
Being beat cause I had to keep you alive
Leaving the states was all that i could do
I never tried to run away from you
My heart died each time i cried

Love happens in the most peculiar situation. But the common ground for every love story lays on our emotionnal ebbs at that time.

Recently, one of my friends announced to us she was getting married. She met her husband three years ago while she got fired, and for his part, he was involved in a lawsuit with a woman he almost killed with his car. Both of them were at very low emotionnal ebbs at that time, and ran into each other in a cafe. She told me she looked like shit when she met him, but he wasn’t that glorious either. “I just looked at him, standing miserably in front of me. And I don’t know why, but his eyes had something captivating and his voice was very soothing. The way he looked at me was so comforting. He explained he was sorry for his poor company and told me his story. I told him mine, and at the end of the conversation, we knew we couldn’t get separated. Meeting him was the best thing I could have in my life. He enlightened my life. And so did I”she explained. The next day, he called her and asked her if he could come at her place. When he arrived, he asked her to come down from her apartment, and told her he wanted to sweep her away. He had booked two tickets and a hotel in Prague. She followed him. (sigh).

Another friend of mine met her man while she was struggling with her motivation at work. For his part, he just arrived in his company, where he didn’t feel very welcomed. They met at a seminar, where both of them were speakers. She told me they both sucked miserably at their presentation. At the end of the speech, they looked at each other and laughed. They went out for a drink and told each other their unfortunate experiences at work. And couldn’t stop talking and laughing. He offered her to come to Paris with him for a week-end. And they fell in love madly.

This doesn’t work all of the time, though. We all look for love, but for some reasons (marital, sometimes…) the one we fall in love with is unable to love us back. And this is how we can have our heart broken. I know how difficult it is not to get fooled by your feelings. When we’re in love, we tend to look for every mark of attention from our significant other. And we count, we count, we count until those never materialize. Or materialize, but our significant other is too coward to stand his feelings. This is how we can start a one-sided relationship.

And this is how there can be an ocean separating you from the one you love, and you still miss him like if there was nothing else on this planet but him…

If you want to share your bad or great experience with love, leave it here in the comments.

Will keep talking to you from time to time, that makes me feel better  and I know it makes you feel better too, eventually I will be able to let go of you just as I did with him by talking to him, or at least that what I hope (I wish).

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen!

Today we are going to have a LESSON IN LOVE.  Now this is an idea I had after seeing this picture and it made me think of some things that men and women should do when this happens.

When you have a broken heart, don’t just sit and sulk forever!  You need to learn to keep going with life because if you just sit in your house all day you aren’t going to find anyone to fix it.  If you start just going about your days as you normally would you never know who could be waiting around the corner.

If you don’t have a broken heart, you have to be prepared for people that do.  You have to be willing to carry around that glue gun and help someone fix their broken heart.

Heart break happens every day people, you need to be know how to deal with it.  Don’t sulk all the time just make sure you make it through every day, one day at a time if need be.

Yours truely,
Alanna Grace

So I stayed in the darkness with you.

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown up!

You left me in the dark.

No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight

In the shadow of your heart.

I told chloe and jake I’m back with mike. It felt terrible, because everything chloe said was true. His personality matches his hygene, and apparently his looks too, but I have strange tastes. I know that I’m going to break my own heart when he cheats on me. Because its not if but when. Things are already different from when I first went out with him as just a boy toy.

Anyways, the swings at my old elementary school are the best things ever. Euphoric as the songs of the soundtrack to my life pound through my being. Music could be my religion, as easily as a real religion. I really do feel connected to… Myself? the world? my feelings? a bigger thing? I think thats what a religion is suppose to do for you. That and keep you safe and happy. And feeling alive. Completely alive. I suppose even if that has to do with pain. But knowing that I can feel everything down to my bones makes me happy, even if its sad.

I remember a post secret that I saved because I loved it so much…

ps- Florence and the Machine’s album Lungs is utterly reverent and moving. Simply amazing.

Hoy siento frio
Por lo largo de estos dias
Por lo ancho del camino
Que he perdido y que no se
Por las horas que no he visto
Por tu ausencia y por la mia
Por la lluvia de este octubre
Por el frio que le cobija entre los suspiros
que el viento se ha llevado con mi fe

Tu distancia es el naufragio
Labatioso sobre mi vida
Las auroras mas cansadas las mas tristes despedidas
Las noches mas solitarias de que tuviera razón
Y aunque clamo a la cordura a que me libre de estas ansias
Soy victima del impulso de mi propio corazón

Hay si te contara yo de penas y razones
Por las que de lejanías se han cargado mis canciones
Pero que le cuente el tiempo porque hoy te hago esta promesa amor
Voy a olvidarte con todas sus consecuencias
Y a librar este pasado que no dejo de arrastrar

Voy a olvidarme tu nombre
Aunque sea lo ultimo que haga
Aunque sea la última cosa que me esconda la ontanaza
Y ojalá que en mi camino no me abrume la añoranza
porque aunque muera de pena voy a olvidarme de ti

Y que me atrape la noche y que me lleven las tormentas
Si le vuelvo a dar motivo al sentido que te recuerda
Te repite y te repite y vuelve a hacer pronunciación
De ese tu nombre, de luz que ardía en la habitación
Como me amabas como me necesitabas como fue que se fue todo
De repente una mañana desperté lejos de ti de todo lo que fuera yo

Voy a olvidar cada noche andar al filo de tu calle
A la luz de esos faroles que jamás debieron ser
La luz que guiara mis pasos al compás de los recuerdos
Que me enardecen la sangre y hacen entre fiebre y vuelos
Un fuego en el que arde mi alma cuando sueña con tu piel
Si un dia te dije que a mis manos no se olvida la caricia de tus manos
Tu mirada encendida, voy a olvidarte de veras
Hoy olvida que te olvida, voy a derrumbar mis sueños a diseminar las ruinas
A liberarte y dejar que nada haya en tu lugar
Porque si asi no lo hiciera si comienzo a recordar
con la luz de tu milagro no podria volver a amar