Been sitting here in front of my laptop for almost an hour now but i still couldn’t figure out if i will write something here or not. My brain’s on the loose!

Sorry I haven’t posted for a while. After the consolidation chemo, I hibernated to dream land and tried to live a pseudo-normal life. But with my restrictions and “not-to-dos” it’s difficult most of the time. I’ve been continuously doing my therapy and patiently waiting for that time where I would see myself walk on my own two feet again. For now, I can already go up and down the stairs by myself, without a cane (I just cling to the stair handles like my life depends on it, ha ha ha).

I’m done with my liver function test, 2D-echo, lung capacity test, glucose tolerance test, sperm count test and endoscopy. Yesterday, they’ve removed “Hickie” (good grief!) and I also had my bone marrow biopsy. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my EENT doctor in the morning and my dentist in the afternoon. I’m also taking a close to 20 pills a day and still under a strictly organic fruit, vegetable and soft diet. Whew! I was told that these are phases in preparation for the “my big SCT” next month.

I still feel lethargic at times but I know that I’m getting better every day. I’m still adjusting to these big changes in my life and I really thank God because all is going well so far. There were anomalies in some of my test results but my doctors assured me that they are all manageable and the prognosis are very encouraging. Nothing major has come up yet and my numbers are still okay. And, I have to mentioned that “someone” is making me smile every morning, making my “every day” a better one. Ehem! (I can’t wait to spend some “quality tea time” with her soon).

I’m taking some baby steps, getting myself ready for the transplant while trying to live a somewhat normal life. My hope and trust is in HIM—my Lord, Savior and Healer—-because He knows what’s best for me and I’m completely surrendering my life to Him and letting Him do His will in my life.

Again, I want to say thank you to those who are still praying for me. God bless all of you! And to those who made comments in some of my entries here, thank you so much. Please know that I truly appreciate your visit and although I may not be able to answer all of them now, they are very important to me and I will try to answer them one of these days.

And I want to say a “special” thank you to Pastor Eric C. Maliwat of 702 DZAS. Thanks for the email po and for the prayers. More power to your station.

My journey from brokenman to betterman continues!!! Please journey with me!

I never let myself believe it
No, not till I looked into your eyes
Then I knew I found all I need
The moment that I found you

I was born to love you
Born to be right here by your side
Through all your darkest nights
I was born to love you
Id do anything to make you mine
Until the end of time

Theres no need to ever doubt it
You set my love free when you walked in the door
You changed everything
Youre all that Im living for

I was born to love you
Born to be right here by your side
Through all your darkest nights
I was born to love you
Id do anything to make you mine
Until the end of time

You changed everything
Youre all that Im living for

I was born to love you
Born to be right here by your side
Through all your darkest nights
I was born to love you
Id do anything to make you mine
Until the end of time

I was born to love you
Born to be right here by your side
Through all your darkest nights
I was born to love you
Id do anything to make you mine
Until the end of time

I was born to love you

                              i was born to love you/eric carmen

today is my third day doing my OT and i feel good!  

occupational therapy or OT refers to the use of meaningful occupation to assist people who have difficulty in achieving a healthy and balanced lifestyle.

according to the OT manual that was given to me, occupational therapists work with a variety of individuals who have difficulty accessing or performing meaningful occupations. they work with individuals who have conditions that are mentally, physically, developmentally or emotionally disabling. their goal is to help their clients have independent, productive and satisfying lives. basically, its about helping someone like me, a leukemia patient on remission, get back my independence and enjoy life as normal as possible. isn’t that great?

so my first OT session which lasted for 3 hours was on dressing, we called it “dress for success”.  i told the therapist that i can put my socks, jockey and pants all by myself but its the upper stuff which i find difficult to put on alone. so he helped me in putting on a patient gown as if i’m going to wear  a shirt and then he gave me a small panel with fabric and buttons and he asked me to button up the material like a shirt. it was difficult and painful but i was able to pull it through after 30 minutes. whew! the process was repeated i think 3 times and  after that he asked me to answer a 3-page questionnaire full of abstract figures. whew again!

afternoon of the same day, i was with my physical therapist and i had fun doing some leg exercises and walking. first it was walking with a walker, then with my cane. i was so proud of myself because i was able to walk farther and broke my own record. after taking a break, i had some stress testing and arm exercises. i was exhausted but i felt really good. seeing those sweats coming out made me smile.

second day of OT is on shaving and it was hard. its been a while since i used my hands that way and coordination was difficult at first. i almost cut the side of my lower lip while shaving my moustache. and i felt really sad when we tried shaving a little of my goatee. he he he.

so today is the third day and i still have two more sessions for OT. i feel a lot better now and i want to believe that i’m getting better, well except for a fever spike two days ago.

i can walk now, a few baby steps, without my cane and it felt really great. i hope i could jog and jump soon.

again i want to say thank you to all those who are praying for me and supporting me financially, emotionally and spiritually. thank you so much. God bless all of you.

the journey continues………..ahoo! ahoo! (inspired by “300″) he he he

i have fever. it has been coming in and going out for a few days now and i’m getting used to the chills, shivers and tylenol. the doctor said this condition is quite “normal” for this phase so i just have to be more patient  :(

my immune system is still not normal so my ID (infectious disease) specialist prescribed 3 anti-infection medicines (anti-viral, anti-fungal, antibiotics) to help my body cope up with the vulnerabilities. my latest blood culture test revealed a negative result, meaning there’s no known infection present. i find it really weird since fever is an obvious sign of infection. again, the doctor said the condition is “common” for this phase and they call it “neutropenic fever”.

my ANC or absolute neutrophyl count was up to .4 today (yesterday it was .2) and my monocytes is up from 55 to 68%. today, i had a bowl of organic green salad and apples for breakfast and lunch. dinner was vegetable soup, a piece of banana and a pear.

i’ll have my spinal tap on wednesday and i’m praying that i’ll have complete remission this time. i’m trying to be positive about it, trying to be cool but often times i can’t stop the negative thoughts from creeping in. i’ve been in this treatment for quite a long time now and i feel very very tired already.

today, i found strength and comfort in a song called “wait” by steven curtis chapman. too bad youtube doesn’t have a video of it yet. you can still listen to the song, though, by hitting this link and then choose song # 7.  the lyrics of the song can be found below:

You wonder when the Lord will renew the strength within you;
You wonder how, how can He use you as you are.
Seems like you’re wasting precious time,
But then a voice comes to remind you (to wait)

Wait, wait, wait on the Lord;
You will understand in time.
Why you must wait,
Wait, wait, wait on the Lord;
Yes He hears you,
But for now you must wait on the Lord

Answers come slowly to your cries of desperation,
But time is His tool, teaching the greatest lessons learned;
So let Him do His work in you,
And watch the miracles come true as you (wait).

And He wants you to know that
They that wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They will rise up with wings as eagles,
They will run, not get weary.
They will walk and not faint;
That’s a promise to us when we (wait).

i’ve been reading some of the comments and its really lifting my spirit up. thank you for making my “journey” bearable. words are not enough to express  my appreciation. God bless all of you. please keep those prayers coming!

the journey from brokenman to betterman continues!!!!!

Di ko maintindihan
Ang nilalaman ng puso
Tuwing magkahawak ang ating kamay
Pinapanalangin lagi tayong magkasama
Hinihiling bawat oras kapiling ka

Sa lahat ng aking ginagawa
Ikaw lamang ang nasa isip ko sinta
Sana’y di na tayo magkahiwalay
Kahit kailan pa man

Ikaw lamang ang aking minamahal
Ikaw lamang ang tangi kong inaasam
Makapiling ka habang buhay
Ikaw lamang sinta
Wala na kong hihingin pa
Wala na

Ayoko ng maulit pa
Ang nakaraang ayokong maalala
Bawat oras na wala ka
Parang mabigat na parusa

Huwag mong kakalimutan na kahit nag-iba
Hindi ako tumigil magmahal sa’yo sinta

Sa lahat ng aking ginagawa
Ikaw lamang ang nasa isip ko sinta

Sana’y di na tayo magkahiwalay
Kahit kailan pa man

Ikaw lamang ang aking minamahal
Ikaw lamang ang tangi kong inaasam
Makapiling ka habang buhay
Ikaw lamang sinta
Wala na kong hihingin pa
Wala na

                              ikaw lamang/silent sanctuary

                              (video by: xxxnimsay)

…….for bone marrow transplant! wink!

my younger siblings, godfrey and reese, were both tested positive for bone marrow matching and were considered “well matched”. this great news was relayed to me yesterday. based on the results of their tests, the doctors compared the characteristics of their stem cells to my stem cells and found out that the protein content are similar. thank God!

i know i still have a long way to go as i need to have “complete remission” from my “repeated” chemo therapy first before the allogeneic stem cell transplant. but nevertheless, the reality that i now have genetically perfect matches has raise the positive feeling that my body will definitely accept the donated stem cells.

i had my chemo yesterday, the last for daunarubicin. i still have four more days for ara-c and then i’ll have another bone marrow biopsy. i feel a little low today because i’m having  hypercalcemia or high calcium level, which they say is a typical complication from chemotherapy. the nurses are now giving me calcitonin every six to eight hours to lower the calcium level. 

i was talking to the oncologist a while ago re: stem cell transplant and he told me that it is not really recommended for all AML patients because of the high risk in complications and in some cases there are no clear benefits. in my case, he said it seems to be appropriate because i failed to achieve a remission following my initial induction therapy.

i had another session with my psychotherapist this afternoon and it was an hour of expressing my emotions using crayons and colored pencils. i was slumped on the floor doing some drawings of the sun, moon, stars, skies, rainbows, clouds and rain. i felt like a kid again

oh well, i’m kinda sleepy now so i’ll be taking a nap after posting this entry.

again, i want to say thank you to those who are still offering/whispering prayers for me, those who sent e-cards, encouraging sms, giving me financial and spiritual support—–words are not enough to express my appreciation, i’m overwhelmed.

thank you Lord for Your love and for being true to Your words….i’m pressing on with the journey and i’m trusting You more each day…….continue to do Your will in me.

yesterday……. i had my contrasted CT scan in the morning (to determine if i have secondary infection causing the recent fever spikes), another round of chemo during the night, was throwing up, had difficulty sleeping and drank almost two liters of water. whew!

and today…….i woke up feeling some aches and pains in my lower back and i threw up twice already. but i definitely feel a lot better and I’m looking forward to an hour session with my psychotherapist. i’ll also have my ECG later and the usual drawing of blood.

the past few days…..my spirit is actually down and weary. i feel very tired. this continued treatment is starting to drain my positive energy. and oftentimes i feel like i’m just going with the flow without that much conviction. yes,  i’m still praying and holding on to my faith but my being human is taking its toll on me.

a while ago i was scanning/reading some passages from the Bible and this verse caught my attention:

“I am now giving you the choice between life and death, between God’s blessings and God’s curse and I call heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Choose Life”

                                                            Deuteronomy 30:19

wow! what a perfect verse for me. all of sudden i felt like a comforting hand has touched my head–giving me enough boost to go on with my treatment.

so here i am with my choice: i choose life. i choose to fight. i choose to go on with this journey. i choose to be a betterman.

turn down the lights, baby turn off the telephone. now its time to forget the day you’ve been through. you don’t say much but now we’re here alone. there’s just one thing left to do oh woman

you better get ready to give love tonight. lay back, relax and let me do it right. lady, get ready to give love tonight. just leave the rest up to me.

listen. don’t say a word, baby, i’ve got this evening planned.  i’m here for you, body and soul. just put yourself completely in my hands. ‘coz your pleasure is my goal. oh uh oh woman

you better get ready (get yourself ready) to give love tonight. lay back, relax and let me do it right. baby get ready to give love tonight. just leave the rest up to me.

baby better keep the fantasies again. i’m gonna dedicate myself to making each one come true. girl, you’ve given me so many nights i’ll never forget. i want you to have this one just for you. wohoo

oh you better get ready. i’m gonna love you. lay back relax and i’m gonna do it right. darlin’, darlin’ baby won’t just go easy to me. i’m gonna love you. i’m gonna hold you. i’m gonna do you right.

you better get ready to give love tonight. lay back, relax and let me do it right. lady, get ready to give love tonight. just leave the rest up to me.

                                                             get ready/james ingram

hey! i’m scaring you…he he he

and so my treatment continues……… 

since i’m now done with induction therapy and got partial remission from it, i’m moving on to the next level which is the consolidation therapy. this phase is designed to further diminish the number of cancer cells and achieve complete remission.

my treatment plan is called three-plus-seven method. i was told that this is the most common drug treatment plan for AML. this would mean i will be treated with a combination of anthracycline (which in my case is daunarubicin) for 3 days and 7 days of ara-c.

so, two days ago i had my first round of chemo. daunarubicin was administered manually every 5-10 minutes. i was told that this was the standard procedure as to ensure that the drug doesn’t enter my bloodstream that quick. after almost two hours, they then hooked me to a bag of ara-c. i was a real mess after—was throwing up, grouchy and depressed.

yesterday, my numbers picked up. (ANC: 200; WBC: 1.0; HGB: 9.3 and platelets: 206) but there’s still a leukemia blast in my blood: about 5%. i had chest pains in the middle of the day and there were little aches and pains in my lower back and in my legs. it sure made sleeping very difficult that i had to ask for adavan so i could get some rest. i also got my anti-nausea pill, my all-time favorite, the yellow candy-like drug called zofran.

today, i woke up feeling very lazy and my spirit was down. how i wish i could convince myself that everything miserable will stop dead if i just don’t talk about it. (of course it won’t work that way). i had body pains and was throwing up. suddenly i felt like i was a little scrap of humanity lying in bed, sick and wet. damn!

some relatives visited me and prayed with me so i felt a lot better now. i’m looking forward to my chemo later. i hope my numbers will continue to pick up and then eventually i get complete remission at the end of the treatment. i’m keeping my hopes high.

“……though i walk in the midst of trouble; You preserve my life; You stretch out Your hand against the anger of my foes; with Your right hand You save me”…..Psalm 138:7

thank you my Lord and Savior for Your great love. i am in awe of You. i’m also sending my warm hugs to those who are continuously praying for me. words are not enough to express my gratitude. God bless all of you.

still a long way to go……..but i’m giving it a good fight……..the journey from brokenman to betterman continues!

when the oncologist walked into my room three days after my bone marrow biopsy,  i told myself “this is the moment“. i tried showing a brave face as i felt the sudden surge of emotions but i guess i’m really not good in acting. after the usual pleasantries he finally opened a brown envelope and read through the results of the biopsy.

i’m on partial remission——meaning the stubborn leukemia finally responded to the chemotherapy but it did not disappear completely with the treatment. (this leukemia must have fallen in love with me and doesn’t want to leave. ha ha ha. silly thought!)

the doctor said my suppressed marrow function is beginning to return to normal but in a very slow rate. this was also confirmed by the latest results of my cbc and reticulocyte count  which were used to evaluate cell production in my marrow. he told me that treatment via radiation therapy plus oral medication will continue so that complete remission can be achieved.

initially, i was disappointed with the result as i was expecting complete remission. the feeling of uncertainty went back to me and consumed me. but when the night came, i found myself talking to God, asking Him “what are you trying to tell me Lord?”, “what do you want me to learn from this new development?“. i asked Him to give me His peace and to hug me as I embark on my journey to radiation oncology.

i already had two sessions of radiation therapy and will have five more the coming days. i’m actually on “break” right now. i personally asked for it as i want to spend the holidays with my loved ones ”radiation free”.

i’m keeping my hopes high, trusting Him and letting Him do His will on me. i know that He will complete His work and I’m holding on to His promise that “He will never leave me nor forsake me”.

I then remembered I Thessalonians 5:18 that says “Give thanks in all circumstances….” and i just felt that this is what He wants me to do—to continue thanking Him inspite of all the painful things coming my way and He wants me to look around and appreciate the beauty of life.  there are indeed countless reasons to thank Him for His love and faithfullness. i thank Him for the gift of life, the gift of time, the gift of love, the gift of family, the gift of friends—–the list could go on and on—–mercies that will never come to an end.

again, i want to thank the people who journeyed with me and prayed for me. i want to send my warm hugs of appreciation to my family, my children, my best buddies, friends, classmates, aunts, uncles, cousins, other relatives, family friends, online friends and those who’ve just chanced upon my blog and offered prayers, online strangers and “you” (wink!)  thank you very much.

my journey from brokenman to betterman continues………please journey with me.

a belated merry christmas and a blessed new year to all!

!!!

Thinking back when we first met
I remember what You said
You said You’d never leave me
I let go of your hand
Built my castle in the sand
But now I’m reachin’ out again
And I’m not letting go
Till You

Hold me
Mold me
Sometimes I feel so all alone
See, I gotta find my way back home
So why don’t You
Shape me
Make me
Wash me whiter than the snow
I gotta find my way
Back home

Master upon my knees i pray
I just want to be the clay
Put Your arms around me
Place my life in Your hands
Lord, I know I’m just a man
I know You understand
This time I’m not letting go
Till You

Anoint me
Appoint me
Sometimes I feel so alone
See, I gotta find my way back home
So why don’t You
Chastise me
Baptize me
Wash me whiter than the snow
I gotta find my way

‘Cause I’m lost and alone
I’ve been wandering
Long enough to know
Humbly I search for You
And I’m not gonna rest
Till You

Choose me
Use me
Sometimes I feel so alone
I’m on my way back home

So why don’t You
Direct me
Bless me
Wash me whiter then the snow
I’m on my way
Back home

                                       home/brian mcknight

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
MmmmmmmmMaybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

                                            home/michael buble

.. matapos maging top 3 khapon ang aking blog sa fastest growing blog sa wp.. ay tlagang umanod ng luha sa hideout ko sa sobrang tuwa.. Patok na patok c misyel pala sa wp.. Akalain mong halos kamag-anak niya ay nagbloblog.. kakatuwa tlaga.. pero ang nagpaiyak tlaga sa akin dahil natouch ako sa istorya ng kayang buhay ay c BROKENMAN ng mbasa ko ung blog nya.. naalala ko kc c PUDANG ko ang aking padir na namatay sa cancer..(hehehe senti ito..) lahi kc nila na my cancer sa liver.. tapos sobrang consistent xa sa kanyang mga bisyo everlu… perfect attendanz sa mga frendships nya na my get together olways!!! Sv ko nga kung naturuan ko lng c pudang magblog nuon.. e dito xa naadik.. hehehe.. sana ngayon alive and kicking xa!!! hehehe..

Pero wla naman akong hinanakit sa kanya.. idol ko p nga yun khit ganun xa , naigapang nya kming 8 magkkapatid(my hormonal inbalanz pa xa nyan.. hahaha) upang makatungtong ng kolehiyo.. ayun nakatungtong nga ako.. nakatungtong lng.. hehehe.. kc namayapa c padir d p ako finish ng pagsusunog ng kilay.. kya hayon. stop look and listen muna ako dito sa hideout ko at pag may datung na gogora na ang byuti ko para iinvade ang paaralan!!

Dmi kong namiz ky pudang kung pwede ngang hukayin ulit xa at itanong ang mga tanung kong xa lng ang matiyagang sumasagot.. eh di sana enjoy ang life everlu!! Pero lam kong my dahilan si Lord bkit kinuha nya c pudang.. Kc sobrang bait nya tlaga!!!kya nga natatakot ako baka kunin rin agad ako ni Lord kya medyo nagpapakasama ako ng konti..(hihihi)…

Heniways… sana napaaga rin pla ako natutong mgblog ng nabasa ko ang mga blog ni brokenman.. kc naman alam kong makakatulong ung blog nya na ienlighten ang mga buhay ng mga frendships kong namayapa… tulad na lang ni Calwit- hay naku!! di ko nga alam sa batang ito bkit pinutol nya kaagad ang buhay nya sa mundo.. ang saya kyang mbuhay… di man lng xa humingi sa akin ng advise bgo magsuicidal.. tsk.tsk.tsk. Sumunod si Ivy- namatay dahil sa aksidente sa motor- cnving wag magmomotor pag gabi at lasing ng di madisgrasya… hay… Next. c Vine…- alam na nga nyang maysakit xa sa puso hayun nanganak pa… bawal nga sa kanya un.. delikado.. Last c BM- sa lahat naman ng naligwak kong frends e dito ako close.. at saludo sa kanya.. cngip nya kc ung kaklase namin para di malunod.. at nagpaubaya na lng xa… bait tlga ni BM…May napansin pla ako ang common nila… bukod sa nasa heaven n sila, eh.. lhat cla mababait.. naku… parang delikado tlaga ako ha.. baka kunin ako ni LORD (gagawa pa ako ng maraming blog.. hehehe.wag muna..)

kya salamat ky brokenman na kahit nagnonoseblid ako s kababasa ng blog niya ay trulilily inspiring tlaga xa… saludo ako sau.. awww!

Just heard from a friend over at WordPress Pinoys that another member of ours, Lex, is still in the hospital going through a grueling series of chemotherapy.  He’s been there for almost a month now and there is still no word as to when or how much longer he has to stay there.

I may not know how it feels to undergo such a painful procedure… but my wife and I had a friend once who had leukemia, the very same condition Lex currently has… and we’ve seen how she suffered which in turn affected everyone around her greatly…

So, right now… I’d like to offer a prayer for my friend knowing that God is the Lord of infinite possibilities.

I ask that you, my readers, friends, even strangers… to please spend some time with me by reading the prayer below…

Dear Lord,

You know my friend so much better than I do. You know his sickness and his need. You also know his heart.  Lord, I ask you to be with my friend now, working in his life. Let Your will be done in my friend’s life.

If there is a sin that needs to be confessed and forgiven, Lord, please help him to see his need and confess.

Lord, I pray for my friend because Your Word says I should pray for His healing.  I believe You hear this earnest prayer from my heart and that it is powerful because of Your promise.  I have faith in You to heal my friend, but I also trust in the plan you have for my friend’s life.

Lord, I don’t always understand Your ways, and why my friend has to suffer, but I trust You now.  May You be glorified in my friend’s life and also in mine.  In Jesus name, I pray…

Amen.

To those who spent a little time in prayer with me… thank you and may the Lord bless your lives as well.